Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Trashy Cars Edition w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley About this episode Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon about Trashy Cars. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
Steal shampoo from hotels?
Own a George Foreman Grill?
Ever worn JNCO Jeans?
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Transcript 13,509 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 H. Foley? Merch alert, merch alert, merch alert. Look out, just in time for summer, well, almost halfway through. Either way, we got some hot new tees coming at you, gang. You got Kippy's King of the Burbs.
0:10 Speaker 01 Oh, Handyman Services.
0:12 H. Foley? Look at that.
0:12 Speaker 01 We got Aunt Toody's Department of Sanitation. Get involved, join the union.
0:17 H. Foley? Let's go.
0:18 Speaker 01 And then Uncle Hank's Hot Dogs.
0:21 H. Foley? Near and dear to my heart, Uncle Hank's Hot Dogs. Grab a litter, hot kids.
0:25 Speaker 01 And then the Garbage University, boom, established 2020 when we started the show. Available at RUGarbage.com, limited supplies, get one at a last. We love yous.
0:34 H. Foley? Love yous.
0:35 Speaker 02 Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:54 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage.
1:00 Speaker 01 Amen.
1:00 H. Foley? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's good to be classy.
1:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:05 H. Foley? Just a big old piece of trash.
1:07 Speaker 01 Garbage.
1:08 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful summer day. We're out back here at Toody's in a new addition. She's in the backyard running through the sprinkler.
1:15 Speaker 01 Toppling.
1:16 H. Foley? Cool it, cool it.
1:18 Speaker 01 Jugs out.
1:20 H. Foley? My co-host is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman, and thank God, my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
1:31 Speaker 01 What up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify, nice little platform they got where the boys are boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, cooking.
1:44 H. Foley? In the charts.
1:45 Speaker 01 Yes, we're doing well over there. Just got the reports, everything is going well. Also, I got baby on the brain, dude. I am mush mouth over here. Go to the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/rugarbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, plus the back on the block door is coming up, and tickets are moving. Second show added in San Francisco, low tickets in Boston. I don't think we're adding second shows in a lot of these places due to the rotting, so get your tickets while they last.
2:14 H. Foley? Yes, sir, and gang, we're here for what we call a family episode, just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. But before we get to that, let's stop by the old corner office over there and say hey to our good pal, Mr. Luke Dempsey.
2:27 Speaker 01 Luke Dempsey.
2:28 Speaker 03 How you guys doing? Just happy to be here.
2:31 H. Foley? There he is.
2:31 Speaker 01 Look at him, he's got a nice little corner over there.
2:34 H. Foley? All set up, little nepo baby in the corner there. He's keeping one eye on the Asian markets and one eye on the podcast. What's Bitcoin at right now?
2:41 Speaker 01 Now, if I'm not wrong, is that you and JFK I see in the back?
2:45 Speaker 03 It's actually my grandfather.
2:47 Speaker 01 Oh, wow, okay. This guy's doing well.
2:49 H. Foley? The Dempsey Group, look at you, doing well for yourself.
2:52 Speaker 01 This guy does all, I don't, listen, all jokes aside, Luke's got a corner now, and I didn't, that looks expensive. We got custom Dempsey Group signs made? How much is this costing me?
3:02 H. Foley? You can't see the desk, it's crazy.
3:03 Speaker 01 He's got a mahogany desk. That's nicer than any desk, that's like a banker's desk.
3:08 H. Foley? Like San Adams over there.
3:09 Speaker 01 I love how we spent 800 bucks on something that's not on camera. Him and Ryan, we get, Ryan, Ryan's got a credit card, and that's bad news.
3:17 H. Foley? Luke lives a charmed life.
3:19 Speaker 01 Kid does alright.
3:20 Speaker 03 He works hard. That's how the Dempsey Group moves.
3:23 Speaker 01 Steps into, dog, or horse steps into shit this kid.
3:26 H. Foley? Born rich, gonna be rich.
3:28 Speaker 01 Gonna die rich, my kids are gonna be rich.
3:31 H. Foley? But that's neither here nor there, gang. We're here for a nice theme episode. Fun time today.
3:36 Speaker 01 Yes.
3:37 H. Foley? Talking about cars.
3:38 Speaker 01 You don't say.
3:39 H. Foley? Trashy cars.
3:40 Speaker 01 Well, this all, yes, this all stemmed because someone at the table, you know, is in the market for a car, I hear.
3:47 H. Foley? That's true.
3:48 Speaker 01 This is very much, this is a very H, you know, this is a toe into Foleyville of, I don't know what to do, I'm thinking Rolls Royce, I'm thinking, you try to be a man of the people.
3:59 H. Foley? I mentioned an Audi.
4:00 Speaker 01 I know, I'm kidding.
4:01 H. Foley? By the way, I should tell you, I got about five days before the lease is up and I gotta turn this car in. So I gotta make a move and the guy says he's going on vacation. I think they're screwing me, trying to get me another lease.
4:12 Speaker 01 Sure.
4:12 H. Foley? Jamming me up.
4:13 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
4:14 H. Foley? You want me to buy-
4:15 Speaker 01 I don't want, listen, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
4:18 H. Foley? He wants me to buy an old taxi.
4:20 Speaker 01 He'd make good money on his side. You're a hack. Um, listen, don't, you always say, "Doe, I'm to say this." I'm not saying this, I'm saying, "Look at things a little differently." It is very you to go, "I want something nicer than what you currently have."
4:38 H. Foley? I don't-
4:38 Speaker 01 Except shirts, for some reason. You haven't done that about clothes, but with everything else.
4:44 H. Foley? Yeah, I gotta make a decision.
4:45 Speaker 01 You've been a Jeep man since?
4:47 H. Foley? Jeep man, all the way through. We were Maximas in the 90s, when they were hot.
4:51 Speaker 01 Your mom was a Maximas? Ay caramba.
4:55 H. Foley? Erin, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
4:56 Speaker 01 Man, it hit me one day, I guess, I don't, find out what year, what was she in, Buffy? No, that was Sarah Michelle Gellar.
5:04 H. Foley? She was in Party of Five.
5:05 Speaker 01 Part, well, find out what year Party of Five was.
5:07 H. Foley? Late 90s.
5:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess I wasn't maybe fully sexually turned on, like my, you know? And then I, and I guess I just missed her.
5:17 H. Foley? It was all goldfish and dinner rolls.
5:19 Speaker 01 Amen. But, uh, I saw a picture of her one time when I was in something, when I was like 15 and I went, "Who the?" "The most beautiful girl in the whole wide world."
5:31 H. Foley? Beautiful.
5:32 Speaker 01 Cannons.
5:33 Speaker 03 1994.
5:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, 94, I was eight.
5:37 H. Foley? Way to keep it classy.
5:38 Speaker 01 I mean, I'm talking.
5:40 H. Foley? Jennifer Connelly too. Man.
5:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, I was old, uh, just, I was like younger, she was old, it didn't- I was into the Danny Bobbers.
5:47 H. Foley? Love her.
5:47 Speaker 01 Uh, but this is, I mean, this is getting sultry real quick.
5:51 H. Foley? Her and Bea Arthur. You know Bea Arthur?
5:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know Bea Arthur.
5:53 H. Foley? From Golden Girls?
5:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:55 H. Foley? I always had a thing for her.
5:56 Speaker 01 You guys graduated together, didn't you?
5:58 H. Foley? Anyway, that's neither here nor there. We're talking about cars, talking about vehicles.
6:02 Speaker 01 Trashy, trashy vehicles.
6:04 H. Foley? And I've had a lot of them.
6:05 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
6:06 H. Foley? Alright, so if I want to get a Jeep, I should be able to get a Jeep.
6:09 Speaker 01 No one's saying you can't get a Jeep.
6:11 H. Foley? My mom wants me to buy the lease that I have now.
6:14 Speaker 01 Well, that's not a bad idea.
6:15 H. Foley? The fucking fuel pump went at 15,000 miles and the dash don't work.
6:20 Speaker 01 What do you mean the dash don't work?
6:21 H. Foley? It fritzes out.
6:22 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
6:23 H. Foley? It's like a Russian space show. Fucking get me up there, fuck.
6:27 Speaker 01 It's like the guys in A Bottle of 13. There's a bunch of guys in a room, they dump out stuff in a box. We need to fit this into this with this material.
6:34 H. Foley? Man, I keep catching Armageddon like the last 45 minutes. Like the past week, every day I've been catching it. Man, that shit.
6:41 Speaker 01 Busy week, huh? You're just yelling at me. I don't know what I did all week. Caught Armageddon four times.
6:48 H. Foley? Passive viewing, it's on in the gym.
6:53 Speaker 01 Is that what you call your kitchen? Listen, um, why don't you, so you don't want to buy that? Well, again, I don't, listen, I'm not, we were never lease people. We were buy-used car people. That's who we are. My mom didn't have a new car until, I mean, this show was probably on the air when she got her first new car.
7:10 H. Foley? Always lease people. And I know it's not the right way to go.
7:13 Speaker 01 I don't know. I mean, Luke, get some, I'm sure we've done this, but what is better to lease or to buy? I think it depends, I think it's all use. It's probably, you know, how many miles you plan on putting it on.
7:23 H. Foley? I think it's if you're a dirtbag or not.
7:25 Speaker 01 No, I don't think so, because I think if you're like a sales guy, where like, you know, like Phil X, he's in the car all the time doing sales. So it's like, yeah, I'm not buying a car to beat the shit out of. I'll buy a car, beat the shit, I'll lease a car, put on the miles and turn it in.
7:37 H. Foley? Can I say this? You know what sucks? One thing about the time that we live in?
7:40 Speaker 01 What?
7:41 H. Foley? As, as we're adult men now, you know what I mean?
7:44 Speaker 01 My goddamn father.
7:45 H. Foley? Well, that's right, you are. Congratulations.
7:47 Speaker 01 Thank you.
7:47 H. Foley? And you know what I was thinking the other day?
7:48 Speaker 01 And I gotta think safety. I think safety when I think cars. I need safety.
7:51 H. Foley? Volvo.
7:52 Speaker 01 Volvo.
7:52 H. Foley? That's what you know.
7:53 Speaker 01 That was, Volvo was such...
7:57 Speaker 01 Financially well but conservative, sound, smart.
8:02 H. Foley? The Volvo wagon.
8:03 Speaker 01 I remember when I found out how much they were and I'm like, you don't even get a Mercedes for that price.
8:08 H. Foley? Yeah, but you get in them and they're very rigid.
8:10 Speaker 01 I don't know if I've ever been in one. Uh, my buddy's mom had one. Yeah, my buddy's mom had one.
8:15 H. Foley? Hot?
8:15 Speaker 01 No.
8:16 H. Foley? Okay. Fair enough.
8:18 Speaker 01 He was alright.
8:19 H. Foley? Fuck, what was I gonna say? God damn it Kevin.
8:21 Speaker 01 Buying the lease.
8:22 H. Foley? Buying the lease, uh...
8:24 Speaker 01 Do they give you a price break if everything's broken on it?
8:26 H. Foley? Nah, this guy's banging me out and he's making it sound like, uh, that he's doing me a favor. He's like, hurry up with this cuz I'm doing some... I'm waving...
8:34 Speaker 01 I got Armageddon's on.
8:35 H. Foley? I'm waving some refund or something like that and he's going on vacation.
8:39 Speaker 01 They get you with that. There's always some.
8:40 H. Foley? But I get to pull in and pull out, no money down. He wanted to charge me fifteen hundred. I was like, spread that over the lease buddy. You know what I'm talking about? Not going and giving you fifteen hundred dollars of my mother's hard-earned money.
8:49 Speaker 01 I had to do that with the key. I had to put down, I think like a thousand or something.
8:53 H. Foley? Listen, it's a goddamn miracle that I didn't need my mother to fucking co-sign the car. Let's start there.
9:00 Speaker 01 I mean, you walked in two days ago or something bragging like you just got a house. You got approved for a fucking Jeep with a bad fuel pump and a wire harness. What are you talking about?
9:11 H. Foley? What I was gonna say is, I wish that we lived in the...
9:15 Speaker 01 You wish?
9:15 H. Foley? I wish that we lived in the time where that our dads lived. My Uncle Mike, company car.
9:23 Speaker 01 Sure. I think they still do that.
9:25 H. Foley? I don't think so.
9:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, they're all, you get, uh, like, uh, we should do, we should all get the same car. They're all doing like black Ford Focuses or Ford Tauruses. That's what they do.
9:34 H. Foley? No, Impalas. We should all get Impalas.
9:36 Speaker 01 I don't think they're still making Impalas like that. I don't think so. I mean, they made them and then... Your Uncle Mike had an Impala?
9:43 H. Foley? No, he had a, he always got a nice new Cutlass with wire wheels. Smoked the hell out of that thing.
9:48 Speaker 01 What the hell was he, a pimp? A Cutlass with fucking hundred spokes? It's crazy, dude.
9:53 H. Foley? That was popular back then.
9:54 Speaker 01 Was he tipping on Faux Faux's?
9:56 H. Foley? We had wire wheels for a little while.
9:58 Speaker 01 Whoa.
9:58 H. Foley? And a Pontiac. Wire wheels and white walls. I used to have to go out and scrub the white walls.
10:03 Speaker 01 What's the matter with the car?
10:07 H. Foley? My dad was racing for pink slips.
10:09 Speaker 01 My loom, my original loom had white hubcaps, 96 white Chevy Lumina, white hubcaps, which man is a tough look.
10:17 H. Foley? When one of those goes.
10:19 Speaker 01 Dude, it was a, they got so dirty. It was a white hubcap and then had what, not a white wall, but a white, thin, not thin, but probably like a half an inch, like a small white wall around the whole thing. And that got dirty. I'm not good with white stuff.
10:34 H. Foley? You gotta scrub them.
10:35 Speaker 01 I know, I'd go out there and scrub, but then you'd armor all the tires, that would leak into the white. It was a whole.
10:40 H. Foley? We had a whole system in the eighties. My cousin Joe, my cousin Patrick, they always had, you know, cool cars and it was always they'd send us out there.
10:46 Speaker 01 What do you mean cool cars?
10:47 H. Foley? You know, they had like a nice Pontiac, one of them had a Trans Am. Uh, and when they'd babysit, the first thing we had to do was go out there, take a Brillo pad and clean, do the white walls. That's the first thing we did. Then they'd roll the keg in the back with all the boys, a couple of broads. We'd start serving beers. And then about 45 minutes into that, they'd make me and my brother fight with our shirts off in a, in a circle in the living room.
11:10 Speaker 01 It's hot.
11:13 Speaker 01 These guys still banging?
11:14 H. Foley? It's a good time, man. First time I saw Delirious.
11:17 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
11:17 H. Foley? Eddie Murphy. And it's funny because I had like a hundred and three.
11:20 Speaker 01 That's just the coolest party in the world. First time I got my first blowjob too.
11:25 H. Foley? Shout out to Coughlin High School. It was popping in the eighties.
11:28 Speaker 01 Uh, wow, okay. That's quite, that's quite the show. Um, we were, we were never a cool car family. Still, you know. Yeah, never. My dad had, we said my dad had Jeeps, but never, we just bought used cars. First car I remember was a Woody with red tint. I guess.
11:47 H. Foley? A Woody?
11:48 Speaker 01 Uh, like a wood.
11:49 H. Foley? What, you Mike Love?
11:50 Speaker 01 Who's Mike Love?
11:51 H. Foley? He's one of the Beach Boys.
11:53 Speaker 01 Man, you're.
11:54 H. Foley? Shout out to Brian Wilson, by the way.
11:55 Speaker 01 Thanks for wearing the shirt and respect.
11:58 H. Foley? I was really sad when he died because I love him for everything that he went through. And then like two days before he died, I didn't know he was sick. I was listening to God Only Knows and there's one little part in the bridge in the beginning and I was like trashing it in my head. And then he died and I felt really bad because it is the most perfect song ever written.
12:20 Speaker 01 Great.
12:21 H. Foley? So Woody, huh?
12:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, Jesus Christ.
12:23 H. Foley? What are you talking about Woody? Station wagon?
12:25 Speaker 01 No, it was a van, the Plymouth Voyager.
12:27 H. Foley? Oh, God.
12:28 Speaker 01 It was a maroon one with the wood, and I feel like it had-
12:30 H. Foley? What are you, a Korean dry cleaner?
12:33 Speaker 01 It was Denise's. I guess they were still together when she had that, but then that was the car into the divorce. Man, that's bad if you're splitting up the Woody.
12:42 H. Foley? Did they have to split that up?
12:44 Speaker 01 Uh, no. I don't know what, I guess my dad probably, my dad had a Jeep my whole, just Jeeps.
12:49 H. Foley? Yeah, he just gave her the car.
12:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, she kept that.
12:51 H. Foley? Car to house and your ugly mug.
12:55 Speaker 01 Lucky her.
12:56 H. Foley? Eating her at a house and home.
12:56 Speaker 01 Sure, um, but then it was that, yeah, it was always just used cars.
13:01 H. Foley? That's trashy.
13:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:03 H. Foley? We tried to, you gotta fake it till you make it a little bit. My dad would drop a lease two seconds if he didn't like it, he'd take it right back. He had a Mustang for a little while.
13:13 Speaker 01 Till they took it.
13:14 H. Foley? Huh?
13:15 Speaker 01 Till they took it.
13:15 H. Foley? No.
13:17 Speaker 01 Okay, what the fuck is wrong with you?
13:20 H. Foley? They did take it.
13:21 Speaker 01 No shit.
13:22 H. Foley? Widener University took it. It's the saddest day of his life.
13:26 Speaker 01 Widener took it?
13:27 H. Foley? Yeah, cuz he had to sell it to pay my tuition.
13:29 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
13:30 H. Foley? He always wanted to redo it, get it all fixed up.
13:32 Speaker 01 That is, guy's like, yeah, listen, your dad's a great guy, but he don't have, he don't have any redoing Mustang in a driveway vibes.
13:40 H. Foley? The guy he sold it to would come and-
13:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, you were saying, yeah, you were just telling us, yeah. Um, alright, well, so what do you think, I would like to, the listener, the listeners and viewers out there, what should the big man buy? You're saying Audi. Have you thought about an Audi?
13:55 H. Foley? Listen, I'm not saying it like that, and this isn't like a flex or a face throw, I just, I don't know anything. I just assumed an Audi and a Jeep would be around the same price. I mean, it's 2025.
14:08 Speaker 01 What's that? I don't know what that, I mean, I don't know the car market, but I think the ones, I agree, you can get anything.
14:13 H. Foley? No, but anybody, like, people driving, you know-
14:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, I would argue, I don't think, I don't know if it's financially responsi-, I don't know what they go for, I have no idea.
14:20 H. Foley? What does like a nice SUV Audi go for?
14:22 Speaker 03 Uh, the Q3 goes for $560 a month for 36 months.
14:26 Speaker 01 He needs something bigger than a Q3.
14:29 H. Foley? What's that? Is it like a-
14:30 Speaker 01 I don't know, 3's not big enough. I know they got an A6 and that's still a fucking car. You need something bigger than a Q3.
14:36 H. Foley? Something that comes with some onion rings.
14:38 Speaker 03 Q7's gonna get you for $679.
14:42 Speaker 01 I don't think you're a 679 guy either.
14:44 H. Foley? What's that, what's that off the lot? How much, how much of that if you buy it?
14:48 Speaker 03 Oh, Q7? I think it's like starting around...
14:52 H. Foley? What?
14:52 Speaker 03 50 or 60.
14:53 H. Foley? Yeah, see, it's the same thing as a Jeep.
14:54 Speaker 03 60.
14:55 H. Foley? Yeah, look at a Wrangler. That'd be sweet. Get an old school Jeep.
14:59 Speaker 01 Having to cut you out of that thing?
15:02 Speaker 01 Cut out the roll cage.
15:04 H. Foley? Jaws of life.
15:05 Speaker 03 No, the standard Cherokee's only 36.
15:08 H. Foley? He's still clutching his chicken sandwich.
15:09 Speaker 01 Cherokee's 36.
15:10 H. Foley? What?
15:10 Speaker 03 Standard, the, the souped up Cherokee's 60, the 4XE.
15:15 H. Foley? Cherokee Jeep Limited Cherokee, 2025, tints.
15:21 Speaker 01 Spinners.
15:22 H. Foley? Some 22s on it.
15:23 Speaker 03 The limited, I think that's just the...
15:26 Speaker 01 They're all LTD bullshit. 40 grand.
15:30 H. Foley? Maybe look at an old school car.
15:32 Speaker 01 Like what? Lumina? I got one with a flat tire that's gotta go.
15:35 H. Foley? Nah, maybe go and get like something from the 70s or something, like a Kramer car. That's what I, what am I, what am I doing? I'm a dirtbag.
15:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, I agree.
15:44 H. Foley? I don't deserve a nice car. I should be the guy on the side of the highway with the, with the, the T-shirt hanging out of my window. And I'm nowhere to be found.
15:51 Speaker 01 Sure, you're dead.
15:52 H. Foley? I just assumed those guys were all dead.
15:54 Speaker 01 I, I always think they walk into the woods.
15:58 Speaker 01 Where are you going?
15:59 H. Foley? Murder their wife and kids.
16:00 Speaker 01 Where are you going, dude? Walking to the woods.
16:02 H. Foley? Kid, let's talk about Nob's.
16:03 Speaker 01 Ooh, shout out to it, baby.
16:05 H. Foley? Let me ask you that. You like brushing your teeth?
16:07 Speaker 01 I, I don't, cause I don't have a good product to use.
16:10 H. Foley? You don't have a good product. And what's been like something over the last few years I've let people start to become aware of? That there's a lot of different stuff in the stuff that we use.
16:17 Speaker 01 Looking for natural ingredients.
16:19 H. Foley? Natural ingredients.
16:21 Speaker 01 Safe.
16:22 H. Foley? Have you ever had toothpaste that was in a glass?
16:26 Speaker 01 I don't think so.
16:27 H. Foley? No kidding? Well, Nob's does.
16:28 Speaker 01 Nob's got you, baby.
16:29 H. Foley? Coming in a glass.
16:30 Speaker 01 Yes.
16:30 H. Foley? It's coming in glass. What are we doing here?
16:32 Speaker 01 Uh, at Nob's, they also prioritize health and sustainability, like the big man said, with plastic-free glass packaging.
16:39 H. Foley? That's crazy.
16:40 Speaker 01 Uh, it's been shown to be just as effective as fluoride paste, toothpaste. Nob's is perfect for adults, kids, and pregnant women, as it does not contain fluoride. And as you know, my wife was just pregnant. That stuff is very important. You need to take care of it. That it's it's it matters so much. Nob's dehydrated tablets with no necessary preservatives offer a compact and mess-free solution ideal for travelers, which we do all the time.
17:02 H. Foley? All the time.
17:02 Speaker 01 It's formulated with just 13 ingredients. They ensure effective oral care without sacrificing luggage space. The absence of liquids also makes them TSA friendly, which is very important. They don't want to jam you up, allowing you to maintain your oral hygiene routine seamlessly during your travels. Unlock 10% of your entire order this June and July. Visit betterbuyhome.com and use the promo code garbage at checkout. One more time, that's betterbuyhome.com. Use the promo code garbage at checkout for 10% off.
17:27 H. Foley? Do it. Okay, let's talk about Tushy.
17:29 Speaker 01 Woo, shout out to Tushy.
17:30 H. Foley? Let's talk about the most important thing in this life. Keeping that butthole clean.
17:37 Speaker 01 Squeaky.
17:38 H. Foley? That's really what it's all about.
17:40 Speaker 01 You're not lying. You get to a certain age.
17:41 H. Foley? Yeah, I'm not lying.
17:42 Speaker 01 It's a certain age. I never understood it.
17:44 H. Foley? Do you believe me on this? You know, I'm not lying now.
17:46 Speaker 01 Sure.
17:47 H. Foley? Right? Clean butthole. And what are you gonna, how are you gonna do that? You gonna do like a caveman?
17:51 Speaker 01 No.
17:52 H. Foley? Wiping with, with, with dead trees?
17:53 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
17:54 H. Foley? Don't think about the environment. Do yourself a favor, get over to Tushy, get the bidet. It's fantastic.
17:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:00 H. Foley? Talking about clean, whistle-proof butthole.
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18:36 H. Foley? Anyway.
18:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:38 H. Foley? Let's talk about automobiles.
18:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, gang, this is a family, one of the theme family episodes that we've been doing that people seem to like. Uh, this one's trashy cars. So we had the, the good folks over there on Patreon submit their questions, their stories about their trashy cars. Uh, this one's from Xavier, $10 makes you holla. Child of the eighties, my dad used to always throw a giant subwoofer in any used car we had growing up. Dude, a subwoofer in the family car is tough. I've, I've hung out with some dirtbags. I've never seen in the family car a set of subs. He goes, "Picture my mom picking me up in a 98 Ford Windstar jamming to Ambitions as a rider by Tupac in 2002." That's tough, dude.
19:25 H. Foley? That's a tough look right there.
19:26 Speaker 01 Although, I gotta give you, a 98 Ford Windstar in 20, in 2002, that's-
19:30 H. Foley? Is that a van?
19:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, that dude-
19:32 H. Foley? That's a Mini.
19:33 Speaker 01 That Ford's Windstar in the late 90s, early 2000s, and that toy, that Plymouth or Chrysler Town and Country. That Town and Country-
19:44 H. Foley? That was nice.
19:44 Speaker 01 That, that was the one that both, they had both side doors and some-
19:48 H. Foley? Yeah.
19:48 Speaker 01 They were like the first ones you pressed a button and it-
19:51 H. Foley? Remember if you touch them, the dad would be like, "What are you doing? It's automatic! You're gonna break it!"
19:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, I got it. I won't touch it. I got like an Uber driver.
19:58 H. Foley? Yeah, freak out on you.
19:59 Speaker 01 Fucking relax, dude.
20:00 H. Foley? Fucking bullshit.
20:01 Speaker 01 The goddamn Plymouth. I remember- They were, I remember a lot, a lot of my boys are like, their parents got them. Cause they had kids and it was like-
20:09 H. Foley? The mom had it.
20:10 Speaker 01 The mom had it, Pat had it, fucking-
20:12 H. Foley? Town and Country.
20:13 Speaker 01 My boy Derek had the Town and Country. My boy, uh, uh-
20:16 H. Foley? Champagne's always a good color for those.
20:18 Speaker 01 The dark, the dark purple or dark blue was good. My, my then stepdad's dad, so my grand stepdad, like, what would that be called? My stepdad granddad?
20:29 H. Foley? Ron.
20:30 Speaker 01 It was Frank.
20:31 H. Foley? Some guy who doesn't like you.
20:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, he, he did not, last time he saw me, he called me my brother's name. Shout out to Dan.
20:39 Speaker 01 "How you doing, Dan?" I said, "Pretty good, Frank. Keep it moving." Um-
20:42 H. Foley? Is your daughter?
20:44 Speaker 01 It's got, no, I said it fits on him. Um, he had, which I always thought was cool, he's an older guy, older construction worker. He couldn't get up in the big truck anymore, the big F-150, the whatever.
20:56 H. Foley? Uh huh.
20:56 Speaker 01 So he took one of those Plymouth, he bought like a, a purple used Plymouth Town, or it might've been a Ford Windstar at that point, but whatever.
21:03 H. Foley? Uh huh.
21:03 Speaker 01 Like a pretty solid van and took out all the, just the two rows, the two bench seats in the back. So the back of the van was like an enclosed bed, but he didn't have to get up, everything was low.
21:16 H. Foley? Gotcha.
21:16 Speaker 01 He could, had both doors open up, and he turned it into his work truck.
21:19 H. Foley? I thought you were gonna say that he slid the driver's seat back or something.
21:22 Speaker 01 Suicide doors.
21:25 H. Foley? You know what every dad loved when it hit the scene? My, my parents would never get like a aftermarket sound system. All they needed.
21:35 Speaker 01 What?
21:36 H. Foley? The question was that.
21:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, this guy, he's playing with a different deck of cards. I didn't peg Patty as a JBL kinda girl.
21:44 H. Foley? Bose. It's got the Bose system.
21:47 Speaker 01 In it? You were doing Bose stuff?
21:49 H. Foley? The Maximus, they all had Bose. Nissan had them. We were all Maxima.
21:54 Speaker 01 All the time?
21:55 H. Foley? Always.
21:55 Speaker 01 Wow.
21:56 H. Foley? Yeah. That's how we did it. Maxim.
21:59 Speaker 01 My, when I first met my stepdad, he had a big, big white Chevy, uh, uh, Suburban. Big. It still had like the diamond plate steps on, like before they made, you know.
22:12 H. Foley? It was for, for horse carriages.
22:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, it was before they like had.
22:15 H. Foley? Farm shit.
22:16 Speaker 01 Yeah. Before they were like for passengers. It was like, he had the, he had, I remember the nine antennas on his thing. It looked like the, looked like the fucking SS Minnow.
22:24 H. Foley? Those things always scared me. They were like tin canes. You ever see one of them all crumpled up?
22:28 Speaker 01 Nah, this thing was like, this thing had to weigh 17,000 pounds. It was, put me in it, it was 18. It was, it was a big boy. And, uh, he had a, I, it's probably still floating around my house. Cause they don't throw fucking anything away, but he had a, a bass, like subwoofer in the back. Cause he's, he meets my mom, he's a young, single business.
22:49 H. Foley? Your stepdad?
22:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:50 H. Foley? He had a subwoofer?
22:51 Speaker 01 He had a subwoofer and we played country. We'd be playing like bumping Garth Brooks and playing fucking Bill Engle, Here's My Sign. And I remember jumping all the way in the back, cause it was all the way in the back of the Suburban. So I climb over, which seemed as a kid, 17 rows of seats.
23:04 H. Foley? Sure, it was like being in a school bus.
23:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, dude, just going, me and Danny are fighting in like 15 different rows. He's flipping me over. We'd get to the back and it would blow out air and we would just sit there.
23:14 H. Foley? Sit on it?
23:16 Speaker 01 Stick my wee wee in the side of that thing.
23:18 H. Foley? Riding the.
23:18 Speaker 01 Being.
23:20 H. Foley? I wouldn't know what a subwoofer was if it hit me in the face. I honestly, what the fuck does that do?
23:25 Speaker 01 Mega bass.
23:27 H. Foley? Boom, boom, boom. It's lost, shit's lost on me. Surround sound, all that shit.
23:33 Speaker 01 I would, I can never, I never had the, the cash for it. My parents would never give me the money to put fucking subwoofers in my car.
23:39 H. Foley? Come on! Yeah, that's what was gonna get you later.
23:43 H. Foley? You hit the gym, pork chop, huh? Do a couple of pull-ups, brush your teeth.
23:46 Speaker 01 I could've, I could've been driving a fucking Formula One car to school. You guys like potato chips?
23:56 H. Foley? Still striking out with the chick in the headgear.
24:00 Speaker 01 And she gets in, the bass is rattling it. Her teeth are falling out.
24:04 H. Foley? I remember one kid in school, his dad did really well in real estate. Good kid, nice kid, nothing against him, but he got like a Mustang 5.0. And I remember junior year, caught fire in the parking lot.
24:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, he had that.
24:17 H. Foley? Back of my head, yeah, fucking.
24:19 Speaker 01 You're standing, you're standing 50 feet away smoking a cig with a gas can.
24:25 Speaker 01 Take that, you rich prick.
24:27 H. Foley? You never know how these things happen.
24:28 Speaker 01 Real estate, huh? Um. I. I forgot what I was gonna say. Um, that's, uh, yeah, a couple of kids, I remember one kid's dad.
24:42 Speaker 01 I only knew, uh, how to make, no one I knew ever made money in the stock market. Then one kid's dad, we heard, made a bunch of money in pharmaceuticals. And I remember going to my dad, being like, we gotta get into pharmaceuticals. This is when like business.
25:01 H. Foley? Drugs.
25:02 Speaker 01 This is when business was like not going well, and I thought I was gonna come home and like, have you thought about making a lot of money in the stock market? You know, and he was probably like, shut the fuck up.
25:11 H. Foley? If you would've gotten a Prozac or something like that early.
25:14 Speaker 01 I think the guy, I think, I remember Merck. They made it in Merck.
25:17 H. Foley? Yeah.
25:18 Speaker 01 And.
25:19 H. Foley? At Big Dina Philly.
25:20 Speaker 01 I know.
25:20 H. Foley? A bunch of Merck, uh, they get compounds, shit like that, with guards and all that stuff.
25:27 Speaker 01 You gotta keep an eye on that Merck, that's fucking fiends down there, be climbing the walls.
25:32 H. Foley? I remember one of my buddies' kid.
25:33 Speaker 01 Be like Day of the Dead.
25:34 H. Foley? One of my buddy's kid brother worked at like a warehouse for one of those. And man, we had the fucking heist of the century planned. Never had the balls to pull it off. Just antibiotics.
25:46 Speaker 01 Z-Packs, as far as I can see.
25:48 H. Foley? Fuck, I love a Z-Pack.
25:48 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, that's pretty good. Uh, I remember I bought, I added Pioneer 6x9s. I bought them at Best Buy. I got an out of the box special. They were 129 bucks.
26:02 H. Foley? You put them in?
26:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:04 H. Foley? You put them in like the doors?
26:05 Speaker 01 No, they went under, like I put them in the trunk and they went, you know, inside the...
26:09 H. Foley? Is this in the Lumina?
26:10 Speaker 01 This is in my first Lumen. But you couldn't see them because they were covered with the...
26:13 H. Foley? Yeah?
26:14 Speaker 01 Like the mesh, or whatever. Not the mesh, the felt.
26:18 H. Foley? The shit in the back?
26:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, like on the back windshield. There was like that shelf back there.
26:22 H. Foley? Where the dead bees go.
26:23 Speaker 01 Yeah. And I put them up into there. And I remember, fuck, I remember being so mad and you couldn't see them. I wanted people to fucking... I got the JBLs. They were returned or something like that. Man, that fucking stunk.
26:37 H. Foley? One's white, one's blue.
26:39 Speaker 01 Good thing you can't see them. Uh, alright, this is from Chris Upgang. $20 D3 football player.
26:44 H. Foley? Love it.
26:45 Speaker 01 Shout out to ya. "When I was about 10, my brother who was about 12 bought a car from our neighborhood meth head."
26:52 H. Foley? What?
26:53 Speaker 01 "He bought the car for 40 bucks. It had no driver's seat and he sat on a milk crate to drive it. The car caught fire while we were driving it down the highway. He pulled off to the side of the road and left it there. He was 12. The 90s were a different time."
27:07 H. Foley? That's nuts. 12 driving.
27:11 Speaker 01 That's cra- yeah. Dude, the 90s, early 90s?
27:14 H. Foley? 12?
27:15 Speaker 01 I'm not saying it's right.
27:17 H. Foley? Holy shit.
27:19 Speaker 01 Dude, think about your, a meth head rolls up.
27:23 H. Foley? Man.
27:24 Speaker 01 I remember some guy gave us his car in Village Shire. We'd always skate in this, this townhouse. It was a huge townhouse complex surrounding a shopping center.
27:33 H. Foley? I know your Dogtown and Z-girls fucking days. I know what you're talking about. The pool, the bowl, you skate around.
27:39 Speaker 01 What? I don't think I've ever said any of that. You're smoking wet? What are you doing?
27:46 H. Foley? You and Heath Ledger running around. I don't know about it. Brody or Bodie?
27:52 Speaker 01 And this guy was like, there was a Saab, an old Saab or something like real beat up.
27:56 H. Foley? Love the Saab.
27:57 Speaker 01 I know, but real beat up, piece it like just, had like, uh, the, the weather had removed the shine and it was like the, you know, the, had the
28:05 H. Foley? Those things went south quick.
28:06 Speaker 01 The dull metal spot on it. The guy's like, you go on this car? It was right next to where we were skating.
28:12 H. Foley? What?
28:12 Speaker 01 And we were like, okay. So he gave us the keys, not me.
28:16 H. Foley? That was an insurance scam.
28:18 Speaker 01 We didn't drive, but he gave us the keys and we were just like, for a weekend or maybe even a day. Yeah, we just sit in there and smoke cigs in a parking lot.
28:28 H. Foley? I'm the dad.
28:30 H. Foley? Start choking the kid out.
28:31 Speaker 01 I'm fucking making a move on Pat, the mom. Uh, yeah, it was just like very, and I'm like, they gave them to my somebody and they were like, we got keys to a broken down Saab. And I'm like, let's go fucking hang out in there for the weekend. Never moved it or anything though.
28:45 H. Foley? That's shifty.
28:46 Speaker 01 This is from, I'm your pitch a man. Friend of mine bought truck nuts for his grandfather. The old man hung them from his rear view mirror.
28:53 H. Foley? Truck nuts?
28:54 Speaker 01 Yeah. I guess it would be funnier if you knew what truck nuts were. Yeah, they're for your hitch in the back.
28:59 H. Foley? Not like the bolts.
29:01 Speaker 01 No.
29:01 H. Foley? Like they look like testicles.
29:02 Speaker 01 Yeah. They're for, you put them on your hitch and it like sways. It's like a set of nuts for your truck, but they're like this big in metal. He had them hanging from his, his rear view mirror.
29:13 Speaker 01 That's, I mean, that's just not knowing. That's hilarious. What was big for us was the, uh, either the small, uh, Jordan, the small Air Jordan hanging from the rear view mirror or the Converse. People would buy
29:27 H. Foley? Baby sneakers.
29:28 Speaker 01 Baby sneakers and hang it there. And that was like, cause Jordans were so hot that it was like a cool.
29:33 H. Foley? Sure. We hung our, uh, tassel from graduation.
29:36 Speaker 01 I did that for a minute and that's like, oh my goddamn loser. Yeah. I think I did it cause you're like, I don't know. And then I remember it was in my, uh, center console for like way too long, covered in loose tobacco from empty cig packs. You know what I mean?
29:53 H. Foley? And Chick-fil-A sauce.
29:56 Speaker 01 I'm a dry nugget man, everybody knows that. This is from OnLizzle. Uh, "The worst was having a dad that owned a really nice crew cab Ford Power Stroke, but insisted on driving the work truck everywhere instead. Getting dropped off at school looking like you just left the job site is a tough look." That was big for us, too.
30:15 H. Foley? What's the first, what's the first one?
30:17 Speaker 01 A nice crew cab Ford Power Stroke, like a big, nice, uh, pickup truck.
30:23 H. Foley? Ah.
30:23 Speaker 01 Like, you know, one of the fucking, the one that was like big country or open country.
30:27 H. Foley? With the two wheels in the back? You ever see one of those things?
30:29 Speaker 01 A dooley. My neighborhood got a-
30:31 H. Foley? That guy got laid.
30:32 Speaker 01 Dude, my neighbor got a dooley. One of, Mark III, remember that?
30:36 H. Foley? Mark III, Vans Mark III.
30:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I think his truck was a, it was like a fucking custom sky blue. I remember we were like-
30:43 H. Foley? Eddie Bauer?
30:44 Speaker 01 No, it was a dooley though. It had the two wheels-
30:47 H. Foley? Harley?
30:48 Speaker 01 What? You're just saying brands?
30:49 H. Foley? No, they did the interior.
30:50 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, I don't know. But this was like custom paint job. It was his first car and I remember being like... I would tell people. I'd go, I'd go to school and be like, "My neighbor's got a dooley, no big deal." It's for towing, I guess?
31:03 H. Foley? I got a mix and match subwoofer.
31:07 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, that's tough. We were also very, cause my dad, I lived outside of the neighborhood for bus pickup to go to school when I was with my dad. So I couldn't take the bus. So he had to pick me up. Let's say I had to be at school, you know, whatever, as a young tyke, 8 o'clock.
31:24 Speaker 01 He would go to work. He was working construct, you know, he's running a construction company. So he'd go to work at 5, go do running around, but sometimes he'd show up in someone else's car. Like, I was so in, I was backed in at the whatever, at the job or the all, like-
31:39 H. Foley? You're in a sidecar?
31:40 Speaker 01 I took Jimmy's keys. So I'm just in Jimmy's work van with like, the shit on the dash, like the cups of coffee leaning forward, the stack of papers.
31:49 H. Foley? I got a dooley at the house!
31:51 Speaker 01 It looks like we were about to go rob a bank or something.
31:53 H. Foley? Whenever my dad would have to take us to school, he had a, uh, he had a Navy car. It was a government car. And we weren't allowed to be in it. So we would have to like crouch down in the backseat. He took it very seriously.
32:05 Speaker 01 Not that serious, he's driving, he's taking to work.
32:08 H. Foley? I know, but he would stick us, we'd have to crouch. I'd be like, "Who the fuck's looking for you? Like the MPs are coming to get you." Goddamn Cold War going on. They worried about fucking you taking me to school?
32:17 Speaker 01 Yeah. That was always big too, cause like my dad's had work trucks for the employees. Uh, and I would see them on- Saturdays, you see fucking Frankie driving down the shore, whatever. And I'd go, buddy, you're out of your jurisdiction. Unless you're doing a service call over there at Maury's Beer. You can get your ass back to the greater Philadelphia area.
32:38 H. Foley? Driving a cement truck to Wildwood?
32:42 Speaker 01 Got an hour left on this thing.
32:44 H. Foley? Maybe I'll get one of those.
32:45 Speaker 01 A cement truck?
32:45 H. Foley? Let me get a tractor trailer.
32:47 Speaker 01 Why don't you get a pickup? You're a pickup guy.
32:48 H. Foley? Nah.
32:49 Speaker 01 You're a big power stroke pickup guy.
32:52 H. Foley? Nah.
32:52 Speaker 01 Why not?
32:53 H. Foley? Too light in the back. They're dangerous.
32:56 Speaker 01 What are you talking about?
32:57 H. Foley? Plus, I'm not hauling nothing.
32:59 Speaker 01 You don't, you don't drive anything now.
33:01 H. Foley? Maybe get a convertible. Miata.
33:05 Speaker 01 Really?
33:05 H. Foley? No. I'm not completely, I'm gonna take the easiest way out.
33:10 Speaker 01 Suicide.
33:13 H. Foley? Out on Route 9.
33:14 Speaker 01 Walk into the woods, kill your family. Hang the t-shirt in the window of the Jeep.
33:19 H. Foley? T-shirt's hung on me.
33:20 Speaker 01 Um, I think you're a pickup guy.
33:24 H. Foley? I'm not a pickup guy.
33:25 Speaker 01 You don't know that.
33:27 H. Foley? I was a pickup guy in high school.
33:28 Speaker 01 Those pickups are nice. And you know what you'd like? They got those like F-150s, they got the big center console.
33:34 H. Foley? I do like that.
33:35 Speaker 01 You get your whole-
33:35 H. Foley? For my snacks.
33:36 Speaker 01 You get your whole big arm on air, a couple of sizzlys. Maybe your McDonald's big breakfast plate.
33:43 H. Foley? It's like breakfast in bed.
33:44 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah. I remember my brother got that. I remember when they changed the bottle of the F-150s to the more like what they are now.
33:52 H. Foley? Nicer.
33:53 Speaker 01 And my brother got a used one. And he really started throwing on my truck, my truck. Guys with a truck don't call it the car.
34:01 H. Foley? The truck.
34:01 Speaker 01 They're not like, I left my-
34:02 H. Foley? I got the truck.
34:03 Speaker 01 I go, my truck. So there I am, I'm in my truck. I pull up, I got the truck. It's cool, I would do it too.
34:10 H. Foley? I got to drive a pickup in high school. My dad drove a pickup, it was nice, nice Nissan, I got to drive it on the weekends.
34:16 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. I would, uh, I would like, I would like a pickup if I could. I, I, listen, this is, this-
34:22 H. Foley? You gotta be a real man to get one of those.
34:24 Speaker 01 This might sound nuts.
34:25 H. Foley? Try hanging a picture or something like that in the house.
34:26 Speaker 01 I can't do that. Um, shagging.
34:28 H. Foley? Do you put your tools in there?
34:30 Speaker 01 No.
34:31 H. Foley? Fork?
34:32 Speaker 01 I just got really big utensils. I got them strapped up on the rack.
34:37 H. Foley? One of those pizza things?
34:40 Speaker 01 Um, this is also, I'm realizing now, buying the Lumina might not have been the best, you know, logical decision when buying a second car now that I have a family. I bought it, I didn't have a kid.
34:57 H. Foley? Sure.
34:58 Speaker 01 Now I have a kid, I can't really-
34:59 H. Foley? You don't use it.
35:00 Speaker 01 I'm going to need a second car.
35:02 H. Foley? Why?
35:02 Speaker 01 When I'm coming to, like, we're staying in the burbs.
35:05 H. Foley? Oh, cause she's gotta have something-
35:07 Speaker 01 She's gotta have a car in case of an emergency.
35:09 H. Foley? And you're not gonna leave her in the Lumina.
35:11 Speaker 01 What?
35:12 H. Foley? Man, talk about welcome to America.
35:14 Speaker 01 I, yeah, welcome to America, 1995 and your car stinks.
35:17 H. Foley? Wait, so you're gonna start driving that up here?
35:19 Speaker 01 I can't drive the Loom up, I can't take the Loom into the city. That's...
35:26 Speaker 01 No way. I don't think it would last on the highway, like, it can't last-
35:30 H. Foley? You're getting oil every time you get gas?
35:32 Speaker 01 I know, which by the way, 90%, 90% of the submissions were, I had to get oil every time I got gas.
35:37 H. Foley? Every time, man.
35:39 Speaker 01 Um-
35:39 H. Foley? Every time.
35:40 Speaker 01 So I don't know, I might, I was thinking about buying, I gotta, I gotta get this off my hands, but I don't wanna get it off my, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
35:46 H. Foley? Maybe I'll buy the Loom off you.
35:47 Speaker 01 It's not practical, man, we just said you can't drive it.
35:50 H. Foley? Make me an offer.
35:50 Speaker 01 I always said, make you an offer.
35:52 H. Foley? Yeah.
35:52 Speaker 01 You make me an offer.
35:53 H. Foley? No, you make me an offer.
35:55 Speaker 01 I'm not, I don't wanna sell it. How did we end up here? You're trying to buy a car I don't wanna sell and I gotta sell it to you?
36:00 H. Foley? I'll give you a grand for it.
36:02 Speaker 01 No.
36:03 H. Foley? Twelve hundred.
36:03 Speaker 01 No, you're not even close.
36:06 H. Foley? Eight hundred. Can I lease it off you?
36:10 Speaker 01 I have fifteen hundred down, six forty a month.
36:13 H. Foley? You're banging me out, tag and title?
36:15 Speaker 01 Listen, you got five days, I gotta get this rebate in, so you gotta sign, sign and drive, it can't be sign and drive event.
36:21 H. Foley? I'm a sucker.
36:21 Speaker 01 Um, I was thinking about just buying like a U, I gotta get another, I can't get another car, these insur- Listen, you wanna hear something stupid? I'm still paying for the insurance on the Kia.
36:33 H. Foley? Why?
36:33 Speaker 01 Cause I couldn't find the plates, I didn't know you had to turn them in.
36:36 H. Foley? Wait, don't you take the plates with you?
36:39 Speaker 01 What?
36:39 H. Foley? Don't, aren't I gonna be able to take my plates and put it on a, on a, on a new car?
36:43 Speaker 01 You got a Pennsylvania car, don't you?
36:45 H. Foley? No, I got a New York.
36:46 Speaker 01 Oh, I don't know.
36:48 H. Foley? Fuck. God damn it.
36:50 Speaker 01 I owned my car, though, you're leasing it, that's their problem, they do that.
36:55 H. Foley? I don't wanna have to get the license plate again.
36:57 Speaker 01 Why? You take the car with the license plate, you don't have to do anything.
37:01 H. Foley? You sure?
37:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:03 H. Foley? I think I take my license plates with me.
37:06 Speaker 01 Listen, man, I don't know. It doesn't matter. They're not gonna make you... You don't have to go make the license plate or something. They're gonna hand you or mail you license plates. There's no like... You don't have to go to the license plate store.
37:15 Speaker 03 The license plate is yours.
37:16 H. Foley? Nice.
37:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:17 H. Foley? Hanging in my garage, next to my truck.
37:20 Speaker 01 Uh, but mine, I had to return them and I lost them.
37:25 H. Foley? Who the fuck loses license plates?
37:26 Speaker 01 They were in here!
37:28 H. Foley? Oh, I know where they are.
37:29 Speaker 01 No, I... (laughing) They're hanging on my wall in my garage. I finally returned them.
37:35 H. Foley? Hmm.
37:35 Speaker 01 Now, because you can't... I thought I could just cancel the insurance, but they're like, "No." I've been paying that for a year.
37:40 H. Foley? Wait, you have to turn the license plates in before you can cancel the insurance?
37:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, you have to get a letter from the... New York's wonky. And listen, I never did this stuff.
37:49 H. Foley? Yeah. It's brutal.
37:51 Speaker 01 I had to get a letter... I had to mail them in. They had to mail me a receipt, and then I have to give that receipt to the insurance company.
37:56 H. Foley? Hmm.
37:57 Speaker 01 But I gotta... I wanna buy like an old Civic or something. Not old.
38:01 H. Foley? Civic?
38:02 Speaker 01 Something reliable. I can boot, scoot, and boogie. This... I gotta tell you, you know, the Lumina jammed me up. That was a bad call. Looking back, bad call.
38:09 H. Foley? Yeah, I'm fucking taking car advice from you, you idiot.
38:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, don't do that. You just wanted to buy the Lumina, actually. What are you talking about?
38:16 H. Foley? I'll give you $1,300.
38:19 Speaker 01 Interesting trades, considering.
38:21 H. Foley? Would you go for some...
38:22 Speaker 01 How about that Beach Boy shirt you got on?
38:24 H. Foley? (laughing)
38:25 Speaker 01 Is that 2K and Sam on a surfboard?
38:26 H. Foley? This was worn in the Kokomo video. John Stamos wore this.
38:29 Speaker 01 Sure.
38:30 H. Foley? On Full House.
38:31 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
38:31 H. Foley? And Happy Days.
38:32 Speaker 01 Um, alright, let's see here. Uh, this one's from Foley's Weird Looking Mole. Okay, $10 homie never had one.
38:39 H. Foley? Got a lot of them.
38:40 Speaker 01 (laughing) Take your pick.
38:41 H. Foley? I gotta get my eyes done. I got little skin tags on my eyes. Gang, this show is sponsored by Liquid IV.
38:47 Speaker 01 Sing it from the rafters, big dog.
38:49 H. Foley? This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. I'll tell you what, I do it for free.
38:52 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
38:53 H. Foley? Because that's some good, good stuff over there. Listen, summertime, working out, you're losing a lot of electrolytes down at that beach. Showing that body off.
39:01 Speaker 01 Sure.
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39:11 Speaker 01 They're doing well.
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39:13 Speaker 01 Especially now they got that Arctic raspberry flavor. Coming in hot.
39:17 H. Foley? They better send us one of them.
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39:34 H. Foley? Three best times.
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39:50 H. Foley? Do it.
39:51 Speaker 01 Back to the show.
39:52 H. Foley? Back to the show.
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40:22 Speaker 01 Um, all right, this says, I bought my brother's girlfriend's bright red 2000 Pontiac Grand Am for 300 bucks.
40:29 H. Foley? Nice.
40:30 Speaker 01 That's a nice, that 2000 Grand Am Grand Prix era, was that the new body one that had to be, right? Maybe it was right after that.
40:39 H. Foley? Probably still smelled like the chick too.
40:41 Speaker 01 But for 300, that can't be, two, let me see, 2000?
40:46 H. Foley? Maybe they worked something out.
40:48 Speaker 01 Grand Am.
40:49 H. Foley? 2000?
40:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, they.
40:51 H. Foley? Damn.
40:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's the new body style. I love those cars.
40:58 H. Foley? Yeah.
40:58 Speaker 01 That dude, they dropped those in black? Oh, man.
41:01 H. Foley? I picture that with a, like a pink bandana hanging on the, smells real good in there.
41:06 Speaker 01 Uh, that's still kind of the old one, actually. They had a little bit newer, well, my buddy had, I have one, I remember. I was trying to save up, I was working at like fucking Wings to Go or Giuseppe's, I was gonna save up. There was this like lie that I was told that like, my dad would help me pay for half a car, right? Meanwhile, there was like no money, ever, and like there's like, things are bad. And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll give you half." "So whatever you get, I'll match it."
41:34 H. Foley? He's trying to get you fired from work?
41:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, I called him stealing, he's calling me. "The fat one is stealing dinner rolls, by the case." It was under the guise of "I'll match you with half" or something like that. So I'm like 14, I'm like, "I'm gonna fucking work these next two years, save up eight grand, that's $16,000 I get a car," something like that. First of all, I came nowhere near eight grand.
42:01 Speaker 01 Nowhere near eight grand.
42:02 H. Foley? You owed 400.
42:06 Speaker 01 I remember keeping my money in an old apple juice bottle. I would fold up my twenties, so I couldn't get it. You know what I mean?
42:14 H. Foley? You fat little bitch.
42:15 Speaker 01 I would fold them up like you were tipping a stripper with it, like long and thin, and then stuff them in there. But then I couldn't get them out, really.
42:24 H. Foley? Smash that motherfucker.
42:27 Speaker 01 But then you had to do that, and you're like, you know, that was at least the prevention.
42:31 H. Foley? No problem. Between that and some drugs?
42:35 Speaker 01 Sure, I wasn't, I wasn't a, you know, I wasn't into the narcotics.
42:39 H. Foley? Sure.
42:40 Speaker 01 But I saved up, I don't know, maybe 700 bucks.
42:44 H. Foley? Look at you.
42:45 Speaker 01 Busting tables.
42:46 H. Foley? There you go. You get a nice huffy?
42:48 Speaker 01 I wanted, and then I wanted this Grand Prix, and I thought I'd be able to fucking...
42:53 H. Foley? Bullshit your dad?
42:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:55 H. Foley? Meanwhile, he just took the 700 from you.
42:58 Speaker 01 Probably. But then my buddy got the exact... I never, I get it now, but when people got brand new cars, kids got brand, I get...
43:08 H. Foley? It's crazy.
43:09 Speaker 01 Listen, if you're like a lawyer, or like, you know, you could get a brand new, I don't know, Toyota Corolla for fucking 100 bucks.
43:16 H. Foley? For your daughter.
43:17 Speaker 01 For your daughter.
43:17 H. Foley? So you know she's safe.
43:18 Speaker 01 The broad's always got nicer cars than the boy. The boy's got kinda whatever, the hand-me-down, or, you know, we'll buy you a fucking $2,000 car or something like that.
43:26 H. Foley? Real quick, you know what's underrated that was always fun? Driving your high school girlfriend's parents' car. Every once in a while.
43:34 Speaker 01 On that.
43:35 H. Foley? Like if like, you know, she.
43:36 Speaker 01 Henry's drunk in the back.
43:39 H. Foley? Like if she was driving.
43:40 Speaker 01 Oh, she took her car and you're like, let me drive. She's got her feet up on the dashboard or something like that. Yeah.
43:45 H. Foley? It was nice.
43:46 Speaker 01 You've got his glasses on, smoking his cigar.
43:52 H. Foley? It's a prescription. I can't see a thing.
43:55 Speaker 01 I'm a method actor.
43:59 Speaker 01 But people who got, I remember like, you need to go like, I remember wrapping my head around. Things weren't great financially at the time for, you know, the household and, uh, I remember just being like, my mom's never had a new car. How do you have it? Like, how much money you guys have? And now I know a new car isn't the most expensive. You can, there's affordable new cars.
44:22 H. Foley? We get to drive the nice cars on the weekends, you know, get to take my mom's car out of my dad's truck or whatever. Other than that.
44:29 Speaker 01 But I just remember being, I remember that all the girls got Acuras and I was like, who the fuck, what are you, billionaires? This is fucking nuts. My mom's got, I got a Chevy Brevata. The nicest car I can get my hands on is a fucking Chevy Brevata. That fucking stutters when you turn right too hard.
44:46 H. Foley? Yeah. But you're glad there's people like that out there in the world.
44:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course.
44:50 H. Foley? You don't want these hot rods riding around in fucking shitboxes.
44:53 Speaker 01 There you go. Um, all right, let's see here. This is from Blake Dots. In high school, I used to live next door to a real tugboat. It's a deep cut. It's a. Someone got her car mixed up with my mom's car and keyed her entire, keyed my mom's entire car. Saying fuck you bitch slut and keyed circles and scratches all over the car. My mom was too embarrassed to drive it, so she made me run all of her errands until we could get it into the shop. That's bad.
45:22 H. Foley? He's a dirty little boy, huh?
45:24 Speaker 01 He's up there showing everything.
45:26 H. Foley? Man, she was a bad girl, huh?
45:27 Speaker 01 That sounds like that's, uh, there's no driveway involved in that situation. You don't miss the driveway. That is a, that is a townhouse or townhouse community where everybody's commingled in.
45:41 H. Foley? She slept with somebody's boyfriend from some other school, probably Catholic.
45:46 Speaker 01 That's funny dude.
45:50 Speaker 01 This one's from B. Smitty. $10 bozo, never had one red. Uh, my first car was the car that my parents drove me home from the hospital and after I was born, a 98 Honda Accord. Ended up selling it for parts for a Jihad. That's not a bad return on investment.
46:06 H. Foley? Selling it for parts?
46:07 Speaker 01 Well, you gotta think, I mean, this kid was born in at least 99.
46:11 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
46:12 Speaker 01 Wow, that's crazy. So he's like, "You're eight. What year were you born?"
46:14 Speaker 03 97.
46:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, so he's like, "You're age."
46:19 Speaker 01 I mean, that would be the equivalent of me being 16 in... What year? 2000?
46:26 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
46:26 Speaker 01 2002, I was 16. That's like me getting a 1986 in 2002. There's a big jump of technology between 86 and 2002 though.
46:36 H. Foley? Huge. We drove a Ford Matador for the beginning of my life. Remember, I cried when we left it at the dealership. It was my grandmother's.
46:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:45 H. Foley? Damn, a little fucked up.
46:47 Speaker 01 Man, this guy. Alright, let's see here. This one's from Garbage Aficionado. $10 Long Island garbage enjoyer here, never had one red. I had a 1993 Pontiac Bonneville. That thing is a boat.
47:01 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
47:01 Speaker 01 They were, they came in two or three colors too. A boat.
47:05 H. Foley? The Bonneville, the word always was falling off.
47:08 Speaker 01 Sure.
47:08 H. Foley? It was always missing letters.
47:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:10 H. Foley? It's too long.
47:11 Speaker 01 That was the year I'm thinking too, also, the name Bonneville was imprinted in to the fender. I don't know if you remember that.
47:19 H. Foley? And there was like this thing that went around that, like a rubber something. They were real shitty.
47:24 Speaker 01 They were hu... I remember being in the first, it was like driving a fucking cruise ship.
47:28 H. Foley? Yeah.
47:29 Speaker 01 A ferry or something. Big, they had those big windshields. Uh, what's that? A Pontiac Bonneville?
47:35 H. Foley? Pontiac. Pontiac's out of business, right? And they're still banging? No, the Aztec. Right?
47:41 Speaker 01 The Aztec, I mean, that was in the early 2000s.
47:43 H. Foley? No?
47:43 Speaker 01 I think, I don't know. Pontiac's gotta be dead. Gotta be.
47:46 Speaker 03 Yeah, defunct.
47:47 Speaker 01 No shit.
47:48 Speaker 03 14 years ago.
47:50 Speaker 01 Man, get with that. We'll lay off the peyote, will you, big dog?
47:55 H. Foley? Gotta lay off the antibiotics.
47:56 Speaker 01 Uh, I had a 1993 Pontiac Bonneville that my grandfather gave to me for a dollar. Shout out to Gramps. It had a sagging ceiling cloth, man. Yeah, it did. Leaking windshield, so it was smelly, and no AC in sight. One day, the bracket holding the turn signal switch crumbled in my hands and dangled next to the steering wheel for the entire time I kept it. About a week after I lost the blinker, I drove my boys down to Jones Beach Theater to see Slipknot play.
48:31 Speaker 01 Toughest of looks cruising down the Meadowbrook Parkway with a car full of sweaty dudes using bad hand signals to hit the left and the right with Slipknot playing on the cassette to phone jacks.
48:42 H. Foley? Definitely riding dirty, too. There was weed in that car.
48:45 Speaker 01 Bad weed in that car.
48:46 H. Foley? Yeah.
48:47 Speaker 01 Dude, bumping Slipknot, hitting him with the, "We're making a right!"
48:50 H. Foley? We drove back and forth to the shore in high school in like a fucking 1970 something Datsun piece of shit that had a garbage bag in the back window. And we had a theory that the car only worked when we were smoking weed in there.
49:06 Speaker 01 Sure.
49:06 H. Foley? It was so fucking dangerous. Like, so dangerous.
49:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know. I, I, uh, I had, I guess...
49:13 H. Foley? No seat belts.
49:15 Speaker 01 If I'm looking back, I had the worst car out of everybody. My first car was the worst car out of everyone. No one had a really nice car of like my boys. Pat had like a newer Ford Taurus that I think he got from his grandmom or something.
49:28 H. Foley? It's not bad.
49:29 Speaker 01 Uh...
49:32 H. Foley? My boy Kramer had a GTI. It's nice.
49:35 Speaker 01 Golf, the Volkswagen?
49:36 H. Foley? Mmm, stick.
49:38 Speaker 01 My boy had a, my boy had a Golf.
49:41 H. Foley? Not a Golf, GTI.
49:42 Speaker 01 But that's the same.
49:43 H. Foley? Is it?
49:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's like, or it might not be a Golf, but it's like...
49:46 Speaker 03 GTI is a version of Golf, I think.
49:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, it looks exactly like a Golf, right?
49:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:50 H. Foley? Who are you, Fred Beans?
49:51 Speaker 01 Shout out Beansy, by the way.
49:53 H. Foley? Fucking sniper from the corner office.
49:54 Speaker 01 Um...
49:56 Speaker 03 Golf GTI.
49:57 H. Foley? Okay.
49:58 Speaker 01 Uh...
49:59 H. Foley? You proved your point, Luke.
50:01 Speaker 01 Volkswagen. My one buddy had a, not a Saab, what's the other one? I don't know, something like Swedish.
50:07 H. Foley? Alfa Romeo?
50:08 Speaker 01 No, I wanted to buy one of them when I was, when I was looking at cars. Just cuz I, cuz Seinfeld likes them.
50:15 H. Foley? What are you, an English spy?
50:16 Speaker 01 They're kinda cheap, though. Like, they're not as expensive as you would think.
50:20 H. Foley? Yeah, cuz they break and they fall apart and you can't get parts.
50:22 Speaker 01 I know.
50:23 H. Foley? Can't get, these European parts.
50:25 Speaker 01 Is that still a thing, though?
50:26 H. Foley? I don't know.
50:26 Speaker 01 It can't be, right?
50:28 H. Foley? Scared the shit out of my family.
50:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, I remember, I remember this guy, he worked for Rollpool, shout out, uh, Mr. B with Doug. He's the one that had the ceramic, uh, Dougie B was a listener for a long time, I think he's jacked out a little bit. Fair enough, he did, he supported us early on when we needed it. Um, he had a, he had a BMW, and I remember going, asking my dad, I go, why, you know, why don't you get a nice car? Like, me breaking my dad's balls.
50:52 H. Foley? Nah, he got it.
50:53 Speaker 01 Break, imagine, imagine an eight, eight-year-old in the backseat eating fucking Rita's water rice with a pretzel braid going, "Why don't you have a BMW? Why don't you get a nice car?" Fucking rat. And he goes, "You can't get them things fixed." And there was this thing in, uh, in our town, it was an imported...
51:11 H. Foley? I was just gonna bring that up.
51:11 Speaker 01 And it was a small, little garage.
51:13 H. Foley? They looked different.
51:14 Speaker 01 They did.
51:15 H. Foley? They looked nice. Served espressos and Nutella.
51:18 Speaker 01 And I remember we were drinking, he goes, you, my dad goes, "You drive by that, the same car's been sitting out front for 16 weeks, they can't get the parts."
51:25 H. Foley? Yeah.
51:26 Speaker 01 I can't, I, I, I work in construction, I can't afford not to have a car.
51:30 H. Foley? Waiting on shocks from Stockholm. Jam me up.
51:34 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
51:34 H. Foley? It was always like a German engineer that was in there.
51:37 Speaker 01 I, I mean, we never, I never went in.
51:38 H. Foley? Just looked better.
51:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, this one was like real boutiquey, you know what I mean? Knock coffee out of like, they no, they ain't got powdered dairy, the, you know, powdered milk in there.
51:49 H. Foley? Their subwoofers match. In there.
51:52 Speaker 01 Um, all right, this one's from James, "Hey, bozos, first time, long time. My first car was also a Chevy Lumen in 96 in white, how you doing? Shout out to you, respect it. I bought the car from a guy in the paper." That's old school.
52:04 H. Foley? Very.
52:05 Speaker 01 You just had to go see a car.
52:07 H. Foley? Parked on, parked on the lawn.
52:09 Speaker 01 No real, yeah, parked on the lawn, no real pictures, just had to go see it.
52:13 H. Foley? Roll the dice.
52:14 Speaker 01 Hey, get in a car and drive to two towns over.
52:17 H. Foley? Take a look at it, walk around, he's coming out.
52:19 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
52:20 H. Foley? He's got meatloaf in his mouth, he smells like inside the house. Fat wife sitting on the porch.
52:25 Speaker 01 You been there?
52:26 H. Foley? Know all about it.
52:26 Speaker 01 Is that a Camry? What are you talking about? Um, let's see, I bought the car from a guy in a paper. Turns out the reason he was selling it because it was his father's who passed away in the car.
52:39 H. Foley? Fuck that.
52:40 Speaker 01 The father croaked in the car while smoking a cig.
52:43 H. Foley? Fuck that.
52:44 Speaker 01 The cig burned a hole through the seat and I got a great deal on the car. Love yous.
52:48 H. Foley? At least he told you.
52:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:50 H. Foley? I wouldn't say shit.
52:51 Speaker 01 No. I would say the cigarette lighter dropped when I was smoking a cigar because I was celebrating how sweet this car is.
52:58 H. Foley? Fucking dead man's car. That's how they got James Dean.
53:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, didn't they turn into a motorcycle that got someone too?
53:03 H. Foley? Yeah.
53:03 Speaker 01 They turned to, who would do that? Talk about possessed.
53:06 H. Foley? Fuck that.
53:07 Speaker 01 No.
53:08 H. Foley? I'd rather ride around in Annabelle.
53:11 Speaker 01 What's Annabelle?
53:15 Speaker 01 Is that a plane or something?
53:15 Speaker 03 No, it's...
53:17 Speaker 01 Death car?
53:18 H. Foley? It's a doll from The Conjuring.
53:20 Speaker 01 Oh.
53:20 H. Foley? That was possessed.
53:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:23 H. Foley? You snip that if you want.
53:24 Speaker 03 Looking for Christine.
53:26 H. Foley? No, I wasn't.
53:27 Speaker 03 Well, that's an evil car.
53:31 H. Foley? Christine was a scary movie. That guy was a freak. You know that movie?
53:35 Speaker 03 You're a bit of a freak. Stephen King.
53:37 Speaker 01 Um, alright, let's see, this one's from Charlie Brown. Great name. Doubt it's really yours. Crashed a car and my buddy owed me money. That's a... Also, that's not even a... Dude, crash?
53:50 H. Foley? Real quick, did you ever hit one of your friend's cars? You ever crack into one of your friend's cars? I did it on New Year's Eve. I smashed right into my buddy's rabbit. Trying to be a tough guy. Pulled into the parking lot. It was all icy.
54:00 Speaker 01 You're always trying to be a tough, cool guy.
54:02 H. Foley? Yeah, smashed right into his car. Ruined the night. Had no money to pay for it.
54:08 Speaker 01 Uh huh. I... I had my Chevy Lumina. What the fuck kind of... It wasn't a Saab. What's another car like that? A Saab? I can't remember. Oh, was it a Subaru XRI or something like that?
54:23 H. Foley? Subaru? Mazda?
54:24 Speaker 01 No. It was a Subaru, but they had a cool... It was after WRX. Subaru WRX. That was their racing rally car. Rich... Our rich buddy got... I don't think they were rich. I think they were just spending money to have. He got one of them.
54:41 H. Foley? You put their business out there.
54:43 Speaker 01 I'm sorry about that. He got... I mean, so were we. He got one of those. And my boy Pat, I had to tell you this, we were drinking at like Pat's ex-girl, like Pat's girlfriends at the time were in high school. Her parents were gone.
54:59 H. Foley? Sure.
54:59 Speaker 01 So everybody pulls into the driveway, like you do.
55:01 H. Foley? I'm with you.
55:02 Speaker 01 You stock the driveway. So now everybody's all, people are leaving, people are coming, it's a whatever. I park in the street because I'm like, I ain't dealing.
55:09 H. Foley? Understandable.
55:10 Speaker 01 I'm staying the night, I think. I think like someone, she's like, yeah, you can all get drunk here and stay here.
55:15 H. Foley? Gotcha.
55:15 Speaker 01 So you don't have to drink and drive. So I'm staying there. So I'm like, I'm not going to park in the driveway. I'm just parking in the street because I don't want to be the guy, now I gotta move, I'm in, I'm in, if I'm running a beer pong table, I want to stay at the table.
55:25 H. Foley? Sure.
55:26 Speaker 01 So Pat goes, hey, yeah, someone's got to get out. He borrows my buddy's, the WRX's keys. To back out so someone else can get out. He backs out of the driveway, smashes my Lumina.
55:43 Speaker 01 Allegedly, Pat. I don't know if he ever admitted this. Smashes into, I think he one, did one time drunk, smashes into the loom, doesn't say anything.
55:52 H. Foley? My man.
55:54 Speaker 01 Comes back.
55:55 H. Foley? God damn hit and run.
55:56 Speaker 01 Pulls the car back in the driveway, whoever left, left. Comes in, we have the night as it goes. My buddy Lee gets in his car, drives home. It's night, it's a black car. He doesn't realize till the next day.
56:08 H. Foley? Nice.
56:08 Speaker 01 Sunday, he's going to get like, you know, whatever.
56:10 H. Foley? Bagels.
56:11 Speaker 01 Going to get bagels. He realizes his car's all fucked up with white paint.
56:16 Speaker 01 I wake up in the morning, I walk out to my car, fucking, you know, I got half a hard on, I got, you know, I got syrup in my hands. And I, my car's been hit by a black car and I pick up the taillight from the car that hit me. I'm thinking it's a hit and run, which it technically is, but I didn't know I knew all the fucking, uh, this is like a murder mystery. I feel like I'm on the fucking, only murders in the building. So I pull up to school on Monday. I go, ah, fuck it. I don't care. I have a little touch off paint. Mine's not that bad. You know, my mirror, whatever. I don't care. I got a piece of shit car. I pull up Monday to school next to my boy. I go, yo.
56:56 Speaker 01 And he's, him and his, him and a couple of other boys are looking at the car and he goes, somebody fucking hit my car. I hasn't involved in a hit and run. I said, so was I. He goes, yeah, some white car smashed my car.
57:07 H. Foley? Probably the same dude.
57:08 Speaker 01 I said, some black car smashed my car. And he goes, yeah. I go, hold on, is this your taillight? And it was his fucking taillight. Pat denied it for years.
57:19 H. Foley? Love that.
57:20 Speaker 01 Years and I'm like, you're telling me someone crashed into his car, got it, you know? And hey, I respect the lies.
57:28 H. Foley? It's a crazy world.
57:29 Speaker 01 But now, to bring that up, I was never a fix my car kinda guy.
57:33 H. Foley? Sure.
57:34 Speaker 01 I was never taken to the body shop.
57:36 H. Foley? Sure.
57:36 Speaker 01 When it come to, when it came to your cars, cause I didn't, I don't really know you as a car guy.
57:41 H. Foley? No.
57:41 Speaker 01 You recently got into the Jeeps, but the whole time I knew ya, you didn't have a car.
57:45 H. Foley? What do you mean? Like, like my high school car?
57:48 Speaker 01 Like, yeah, if something were to hap-
57:49 H. Foley? Like my parents.
57:50 Speaker 01 Your high, like your car. I'm saying, you aren't doing-
57:53 H. Foley? What?
57:54 Speaker 01 Doing nothing.
57:55 H. Foley? If it was something that I had to get done to make it street legal, like get a, get a headlight put in-
58:01 Speaker 01 Sure, no, I'm saying like cosmetic. Are you-
58:03 H. Foley? Get the fuck outta here.
58:04 Speaker 01 No.
58:05 H. Foley? What? I don't give a shit.
58:07 Speaker 01 Uh.
58:08 H. Foley? Fuck that.
58:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
58:10 H. Foley? I wouldn't even know where to go.
58:11 Speaker 01 I know. It just seemed like such a, I think, people are like, that'll be 700. And I went, 700? 700 dollars was so far away from what I had to be like, you think I'm gonna spend this on to make this piece of shit look better?
58:22 H. Foley? Probably gonna kill myself in this thing in a couple of weeks. Get the fuck outta here.
58:25 Speaker 01 Probably gonna hang the t-shirt in here if you catch my drift.
58:28 H. Foley? Cracked windshields, busted, nah, what?
58:31 Speaker 01 I, well, a few times I fixed a cracked windshield.
58:34 H. Foley? Look at you.
58:35 Speaker 01 Later, just cause I learned it was in your field division.
58:37 H. Foley? Like Safelite.
58:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, my stepdad was pretty handy with cars. He was boys with a... I, I had someone that could fix it, but I had to give... I had to, I had to pay cash. Or my, my stepdad would, could inspect it.
58:51 H. Foley? Your stepdad was making you pay for it?
58:54 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
58:54 H. Foley? Damn.
58:55 Speaker 01 He would bill me.
58:58 Speaker 01 He didn't give a fuck. He'd go, "You still owe me 86 for the brakes and the road?" I'd go, "86, dude?"
59:03 H. Foley? Parts and labor.
59:04 Speaker 01 I'd be-
59:05 H. Foley? Labor!
59:05 Speaker 01 I'd be working at Acme, working 12. I'd go, "I made fucking 80 bucks this week."
59:10 H. Foley? Take some bananas and shut up.
59:12 Speaker 01 That's my heater money. Uh, yeah, no, he would, he would, he would, uh, he'd whack me. He would do the la, the labor for free.
59:20 H. Foley? Well, there you go.
59:21 Speaker 01 And then he would tell his boy, "Hey, here are the numbers," and then it would print the fucking stickers for us.
59:25 H. Foley? My dad came to me for money. Get the fuck outta here.
59:28 Speaker 01 He's not my dad, that's the thing. It's a fucking, we're just two dudes living in the same house at this point. You know what I mean?
59:35 H. Foley? Yeah, I'll get it to ya.
59:36 Speaker 01 He also bought the car for me.
59:37 H. Foley? Ah.
59:38 Speaker 01 1200.
59:39 H. Foley? There you go.
59:39 Speaker 01 There's a picture of me. Buying the car, the guy took, I'm trying to find it, I went to, they, I never told you that, they lured me out of the house on a rainy Friday night.
59:53 H. Foley? To surprise you?
59:54 Speaker 01 To surprise me with a car.
59:56 H. Foley? Like your quinceanera.
59:58 Speaker 01 They told, you know, they told me we're going to Applebee's on street road. They go, we're gonna go to Applebee's.
1:00:02 H. Foley? Did you go to Applebee's? Fuck.
1:00:04 Speaker 01 Oh, maybe we did and I drove, but she goes, we gotta meet Joe at the shop. So we pull up, then he goes, walk up here. I kinda knew the fix when we parked at the used car dealership. You know what I mean? What the fuck's going on here? Talking to Eddie, what are you talking to Fast Eddie for?
1:00:19 H. Foley? They signed you up for the army? What the fuck?
1:00:23 H. Foley? Thought I was getting a golf.
1:00:24 Speaker 01 I'm in, I'm in dirty sweatpants and a dirty hoodie, bad hair, like, just like...
1:00:30 H. Foley? I've seen ya.
1:00:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, and they took a picture and then hung that on the wall of the, the guy, the guy took pictures of every sale.
1:00:37 H. Foley? At the used car place?
1:00:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:39 H. Foley? Like you're a celebrity? Like John Travolta eating pizza?
1:00:43 Speaker 01 No, every deal he closed, he took a picture of you, printed it out and put it on the wall.
1:00:47 H. Foley? Whoa.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 And some girl came and she goes, Kevin, I know where, this is like months later, she goes, Kevin, I know where you bought, like a cool girl at school. Kevin, I know where you bought your car.
1:00:56 H. Foley? And your sweatpants.
1:00:58 Speaker 01 Clearly had semen on them. Yeah, it was, it was tough.
1:01:04 Speaker 01 No, he bought me the car so I couldn't be really like, you, when it's your stepdad, you don't really have like a, hey, fuck you, you have to love me, kinda.
1:01:11 H. Foley? Sure.
1:01:11 Speaker 01 You know what I mean? Like I'm yours type deal. It's like, this is a decision we've all decided to make work.
1:01:16 H. Foley? Sure.
1:01:17 Speaker 01 You know, and he wanted his eighty, I remember eighty-six.
1:01:20 H. Foley? Fifty.
1:01:20 Speaker 01 And then he yelled at me too, if, if you change the brake pads, when I tell you, you wouldn't have to replace the rotors. It does it.
1:01:30 H. Foley? What the fuck's a rotor?
1:01:32 Speaker 01 It's the thing that the brake pads hold.
1:01:33 H. Foley? Exactly.
1:01:34 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:36 H. Foley? Ain't getting fixed.
1:01:36 Speaker 01 I'll tell you that much.
1:01:37 H. Foley? I'll put the windshield air per fluid in there. Feel like, I feel like a real man.
1:01:41 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:01:42 H. Foley? That's about it.
1:01:43 Speaker 01 That did make you feel like a man.
1:01:44 H. Foley? Oh, yeah, that and clean out the, clean out the ashtray?
1:01:46 Speaker 01 Let me take a look at this, yeah.
1:01:48 H. Foley? I'll poke around a little bit.
1:01:50 Speaker 01 And I remember my buddy was trying to sell, sell me a car one time and we popped the hood and we were looking around. My stepdad was looking around, standing there acting like a man and he, I guess it's the sales, he goes, the ones you, the ones you gotta stay on top of, a lot of them you can see, they're clear, like the fluid levels.
1:02:07 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:02:07 Speaker 01 That you can change yourself or should change yourself and maintain, you can see, like the windshield washer fluid.
1:02:13 H. Foley? Oil.
1:02:14 Speaker 01 Oil, I guess you can't really see.
1:02:15 H. Foley? Antifreeze.
1:02:15 Speaker 01 And, yeah, all that other stuff, like the clear ones.
1:02:17 H. Foley? Brake fluid.
1:02:18 Speaker 01 Sure. The ones that you can see, you know, they're in a clear thing, like you're supposed to track them. I went, ah, that's pretty good. Did you take know your car?
1:02:26 H. Foley? Did I what?
1:02:27 Speaker 01 Take know your car?
1:02:28 H. Foley? Take know my car? What the hell are you talking about?
1:02:31 Speaker 01 That was a class they offered in school, not my school.
1:02:33 H. Foley? No, we, we had to take a class at the community college for like a couple of Saturdays to get.
1:02:37 Speaker 01 How to be a fat idiot?
1:02:38 H. Foley? To get your insurance lowered. But that was more like make a left turn, right turn, how to drive safe.
1:02:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, we did Dunkin's.
1:02:45 H. Foley? Dunkin's?
1:02:45 Speaker 01 Dunkin's driver's ed.
1:02:48 H. Foley? Any munchkins involved in this?
1:02:49 Speaker 01 I told you the guy took me, I told the guy we were just, I was just running the guy's errands with him. And it was Norm's. I took Norm's drivers, like Norm's.
1:02:58 H. Foley? Oh, I never did one of those.
1:02:59 Speaker 01 And we would like pick up his dry cleaning and like drop it off at his mother's house. I remember being inside someone's house.
1:03:04 H. Foley? Hey, you're really killing it, Norm.
1:03:07 Speaker 01 Shut up, Norm. Someone's house.
1:03:09 H. Foley? What are you talking about, one of those cars with the two wheels? Fuck that. Uh-uh. I would never get in one of those.
1:03:15 Speaker 01 I don't think he had two wheels. I think it was.
1:03:17 H. Foley? World War I?
1:03:18 Speaker 01 I think it was just, uh, I think he had the brake.
1:03:23 H. Foley? Never. That dumbass thing on top, trying to get laid out here, dude.
1:03:28 Speaker 01 I'm looking like a real fucking rookie.
1:03:32 Speaker 01 Trying to fuck, yeah, can we go to another town where I got a fucking replica?
1:03:35 H. Foley? He stopped shorting you, grabbing your balls.
1:03:39 Speaker 01 Jerking, jerking myself.
1:03:45 Speaker 01 What'd he say, we moved this party to the backseat? I think I'm the make out point.
1:03:49 H. Foley? Those are always the shittiest cars, man.
1:03:51 Speaker 01 Nothing on that. I think I'm the make out point.
1:03:57 Speaker 01 Ah, lover's lane.
1:03:59 H. Foley? It's alright.
1:04:00 Speaker 01 Alright, let's get through this one and then we gotta wrap it up.
1:04:02 H. Foley? Alright.
1:04:03 Speaker 01 I crashed a car, a buddy owed me money, took his 98 Range Rover. Not bad.
1:04:07 H. Foley? What? Wait, he took his 98 Range Rover?
1:04:10 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Wait, his bu- I crashed a car.
1:04:14 H. Foley? Uh huh. Your buddy owed you mi-
1:04:16 Speaker 01 His buddy owed him money.
1:04:18 H. Foley? Instead he gave him a car.
1:04:19 Speaker 01 I guess he was like, "Hey, I need mo- I crashed my car, I need money."
1:04:23 H. Foley? Right.
1:04:23 Speaker 01 I guess he didn't have it.
1:04:25 H. Foley? Gave him the car.
1:04:26 Speaker 01 So he took his 98 Range Rover. That means you got it all-
1:04:29 H. Foley? Who the fuck are these people? The Halliburtons? That's nuts. A Range Rover.
1:04:36 Speaker 01 And I think those drop drastically in... Value. If they're like 10 years old. I mean, I don't know what year this was.
1:04:44 H. Foley? Never been in one.
1:04:46 Speaker 01 I've been in a Land Rover.
1:04:48 H. Foley? Look at you.
1:04:49 Speaker 01 My boy's mom had a really old one. Like, it feels like you were in a safari, you were sitting way too high-
1:04:54 H. Foley? Yeah, I didn't like that shit.
1:04:55 Speaker 01 Let me borrow it for the weekend.
1:04:56 H. Foley? I feel like you were filming a video for men at work or something like that.
1:04:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, just didn't- I took it down the shore, I needed a car, he's like, "You can take my mom's Land Rover." I was like, I- this is how uncultured I was. I didn't know... That it was a-
1:05:11 H. Foley? Is that the wheel was on the other side?
1:05:14 Speaker 01 I didn't know they were a nice car. Like, I didn't know the brand-
1:05:17 H. Foley? Sure.
1:05:18 Speaker 01 Was a reputable- I'd never- no one I knew had a fucking Land Rover.
1:05:21 H. Foley? What?
1:05:22 Speaker 01 I'd heard of Range Rover.
1:05:23 H. Foley? America.
1:05:24 Speaker 01 But, you know, from like rap songs and shit. But I took it down the shore, it was the first week-
1:05:30 H. Foley? Hello!
1:05:31 Speaker 01 And then, Nadine came to visit me and we took that down the shore. Cause I was gonna have to rent a car and I don't think I-
1:05:37 H. Foley? You're driving somebody else's car?
1:05:38 Speaker 01 I drove my boy's mom's car.
1:05:40 H. Foley? What the fuck?
1:05:41 Speaker 01 Down the shore for the weekend.
1:05:43 H. Foley? Man. Now look at ya. Father.
1:05:46 Speaker 01 And, uh, father. Uh, I parked out front, my uncle, I was staying at my uncle's house. I was staying at my cousin's. This is how bad I was staying- I borrowed- I borrowed my buddy's mom's car to get down the shore. To stay at my cousin's house because they were out of town for the weekend. The big guy's house, the big nice house. Big nice house on the bay. An NFL player, nice, nice, nice, nice property.
1:06:08 H. Foley? You got a Land Rover out front.
1:06:09 Speaker 01 And my uncle went, "Who's Land Rovers outside?" I went, "I didn't know." I went, "Oh, that's, that's mine." He goes, and this is when it all hit me.
1:06:19 H. Foley? You still owe your stepdad $86.
1:06:21 Speaker 01 He looked at me and squinted, he goes, "Who the fuck gave you a Land Rover?" And I went, "Well, he's a pretty nice car that day."
1:06:27 H. Foley? Cleaning England.
1:06:30 Speaker 01 Uh, alright. Took his 98 Range Rover, damn thing tried to kill me multiple times. Brakes went out three different times for three different reasons and each time my foot went to the floor and I had to pull the handbrake to not die. That's a scary feeling when you hit the floor and you're still cooking. Car locks itself apparently. They will never unlock unless you get a new key and matching computer. I just ripped the computer out and bypassed the key. In that process, I found you can literally pull one of the windows out to any 97 to 2000 Range Rover with your bare hands from the outside. Uh, it caught fire twice, ended up cleaning it up and selling it for three grand to some poor bastard.
1:07:15 Speaker 01 I literally ran away from the sale just in case the truck exploded and he wanted his money back.
1:07:20 H. Foley? My man.
1:07:21 Speaker 01 Talk about paying it off to the next man. Getting out of Dodge, baby.
1:07:25 H. Foley? Ah, I love it.
1:07:26 Speaker 01 I respect the shit out of it.
1:07:28 H. Foley? Jesus.
1:07:28 Speaker 01 But we gotta wrap it up, gang.
1:07:30 H. Foley? What a fun one, gang.
1:07:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:32 H. Foley? We love ya. See you next week.
1:07:34 Speaker 01 Peace.
Previous Patreon Episode: The Pickup Artist - Are You Garbage (FULL) Next Losing the Room w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated