Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Parents vs. Teachers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley About this episode Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 12,828 words · 6 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 H. Foley? Oh baby, hey Texas, hey Florida. The boys are coming down to see ya. So grab your tickets, they're the only shows we're gonna be doing in Texas and Florida. So grab some tickets and come see us.
0:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, this March, we're gonna be at The Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. Uh, tickets are going fast, as well as SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida, baby. Listen, Tampa and Austin, two great, uh, comedy towns. Get those tickets, we'll see you there.
0:22 H. Foley? Yeah.
0:23 Speaker 02 Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:42 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
0:49 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
0:50 H. Foley? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're going to be classy.
0:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:55 H. Foley? Or just a big ol' piece of trash.
0:56 Speaker 01 Trash, trash, trash.
0:57 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here, Tootie's in a new addition. She just got herself a sweet new pellet gun.
1:06 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:06 H. Foley? Copperhead bullets, baby, look out.
1:09 Speaker 01 Those were for the bad kids. There was two different types of kids growing up when I was banging.
1:13 H. Foley? BB guns and pellet guns.
1:14 Speaker 01 BB gun guys, which I was, you know, like a little dirt under the fingernail, a little bit, you know, a little bit of a cowboy spirit, then pellet gun kids. And those kids, well, I was a single-parent household.
1:26 H. Foley? Man, always. A buddy of mine put one in somebody's ankle.
1:31 Speaker 01 That was always a thing, you had to dig it out. You gotta dig it out.
1:35 H. Foley? My god, turns into a fucking field dressing at Gettysburg. Trying to get that out. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call the family episode, just the boys, the bozos and the homies. He's a little sleepy, a little gumpy, but always king of the burbs.
1:53 Speaker 01 Not at all.
1:53 H. Foley? King of the insults, king of the slams.
1:58 H. Foley? Kevin James Bryant, everybody.
2:00 Speaker 01 He's calling me Bryant?
2:00 H. Foley? No.
2:01 Speaker 01 What's up, everybody? Shout out to, oh man, you're needling me today.
2:03 H. Foley? I'm gonna wake you up.
2:04 Speaker 01 And you know it. What's up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify.
2:12 H. Foley? Woo!
2:12 Speaker 01 Top 100 all podcasts across the board. Take that, Golden Globes!
2:16 H. Foley? Yeah.
2:16 Speaker 01 Uh...
2:17 H. Foley? Suckers.
2:17 Speaker 01 And obviously, uh, this, this, this... Does the Golden Globes do the best, uh, best podcasts on Patreon? Cause the boys are gonna win. Over there, patreon.com/rygarbage. Over 15,000 strong on there. We're talking boots on the friggin' ground. Shout out to the homies, baby.
2:31 H. Foley? Lot of product over there.
2:33 Speaker 01 Well, five years of product.
2:34 H. Foley? Lot of gear.
2:35 Speaker 01 Lot of gear, lot of gear. You go over here, talking about the wrong side of the tracks. That's Patreon.
2:40 H. Foley? Start blowing up our boats.
2:41 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
2:44 Speaker 01 This is usually a non-political show?
2:47 Speaker 01 Bugman's been watching a little bit too much news.
2:49 H. Foley? What?
2:51 H. Foley? Since it is a family episode, we are...
2:53 Speaker 01 I was hoping we got the Nike track outfit on.
2:57 Speaker 01 The Big Ben...
2:59 H. Foley? Since this is a family episode, we are obligated to get cruised by the old corner office and say hi to the boss's son, Mr. Luke Dempsey.
3:06 Speaker 03 Your obligations are waived. Do not worry, Mr. Foles.
3:09 H. Foley? No? Thank you.
3:11 Speaker 01 I don't know why you continue to go to him. He's never said any... He's funny as a sniper from outside. You kick it to him, he panics. He doesn't, he's not a showman.
3:19 H. Foley? What's going on, Luke?
3:20 Speaker 03 I thought the obligations are waived was pretty good. I'm done.
3:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, no, you went back to him.
3:25 Speaker 03 Get me out of here.
3:25 Speaker 01 He got out with a decent line, you go back to him.
3:28 Speaker 03 Let me live.
3:28 Speaker 01 You stink.
3:29 H. Foley? What are you doing this weekend? I got something for both of yous. All right? Trash behavior. Not the good kind either.
3:38 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:39 H. Foley? Okay? Um, I'm in a coffee shop this morning in the city. Here, you know what I mean? Just get my coffee. You know what I'm saying?
3:47 Speaker 01 Company card.
3:48 H. Foley? I figured.
3:49 Speaker 01 You don't really like using your personal card for much.
3:53 H. Foley? They're writing it off!
3:54 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
3:55 H. Foley? You are. Appreciate it. Me and my four friends.
4:01 Speaker 01 I just got a text of a distant cousin asking for my number. My mom goes...
4:05 H. Foley? Whoa!
4:08 H. Foley? What's he up to?
4:09 Speaker 01 I don't know, but it had... Somebody wants something, I know that much.
4:14 H. Foley? Put a bunch of dollar signs behind it?
4:17 Speaker 01 Just sent me a Venmo request.
4:20 H. Foley? Hope you're doing well, too.
4:21 Speaker 01 Okay. Alright.
4:23 H. Foley? So, very small place.
4:24 Speaker 01 Hold on, you know it's bad when a family member, you also get the last name? Yeah, it's not just like Sean's asking for...
4:30 H. Foley? Sean Delancey?
4:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:32 H. Foley? Who?
4:32 Speaker 01 What the fuck, you know, my cousin Jimbo's nephew? What the fuck out of here? Jimming me up.
4:38 H. Foley? My mother is the king of that. Talking to like, the third generation of our family. Acting like they would know who like, you know, uh, Doreen Korecki is. You remember Doreen Korecki? Talking about it.
4:51 Speaker 01 I know, it's always, it's always names out of like a fucking... They all sound like, like, I mean, it's a joke, they all sound like, they're all the last names of the first guy who died in NOM, you know what I mean?
5:03 Speaker 01 You know the Clickits? Like, who? They're all names you've never heard outside of your mother and your aunt referencing them.
5:10 H. Foley? My mom just did that with a picture from somewhere. One of my cousins ran into a guy that my dad grew up with. And she shows us, I don't think I've ever seen the guy. If I did, I was a little kid.
5:22 Speaker 01 Sure.
5:22 H. Foley? You know what I mean? I think I was trying to run to his house when I got ran, when I almost got ran over around across Kidder Street when I was a young boy. Up there in Wilkes-Barre. I feel like they might have pushed me.
5:34 Speaker 01 Listen.
5:34 H. Foley? Trying to get rid of me.
5:35 Speaker 01 I get it. Trying to bump you.
5:39 Speaker 01 Listen, how much time were they spending with you? Cause it crosses everybody, you have a threshold of how much time you can spend with somebody till they go, "It'd be a lot better if this guy wasn't around, asking a lot of stupid fucking questions."
5:52 H. Foley? My cousin Joe always tells me that I showed up at my Aunt Mary Ellen's house one time and I took their phone and threw it in the fish tank.
5:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're a dick dude, you're a born dickhead. Ah, cool phones, cordless, click. Fucking shock all the fish? Not only did you ruin a phone, you probably nuked a fish.
6:13 H. Foley? They had it coming. Yeah, I don't remember any of that stuff. I just remember being a sweet little kid.
6:17 Speaker 01 You have a very selective memory.
6:23 H. Foley? Anyway, she goes to my nephew. She's like, "Do you know who this is?" And we're like, "Who the fuck is this guy?"
6:29 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
6:30 H. Foley? And she's like, "That's Bobby. How's your dad's friend?" The guy that got him to go to NOM. Because he got hurt.
6:36 Speaker 01 Um. What? We do a, we do a very, what?
6:42 H. Foley? What do you want?
6:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, what the fuck?
6:43 H. Foley? I'm killing over here. This whole thing on my back.
6:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, right. Wait till you play your little segment that you and Luke just took three hours to produce. It's not gonna go anywhere.
6:53 H. Foley? I don't know how to send that shit.
6:54 Speaker 01 We did, um...
6:55 H. Foley? You gotta put it to a drive, then you gotta send it to an email.
6:58 Speaker 01 I was with my mom and my aunt when they got news of someone they knew passed, right?
7:04 H. Foley? Recently?
7:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.
7:06 H. Foley? I'm sorry for your loss.
7:09 Speaker 01 I mean, whatever. They're in their 70s. It's, you know...
7:12 H. Foley? That's kind of it, right?
7:14 Speaker 01 What?
7:14 H. Foley? It's like everybody's cool with 70s now.
7:18 Speaker 01 I mean, I think that's pretty cool, right?
7:19 H. Foley? That's still young. Yeah, your whole life ahead of you, 70s. The golden years. 70s are only 20 years away from me, man. And I ain't gonna make it.
7:28 Speaker 01 It's a lot further than 20 years. Some would say. Unattainable. No.
7:34 H. Foley? I'll never make it.
7:35 Speaker 01 It's gonna take a lot of zip bound to get you to the 70s.
7:38 H. Foley? I might have had a little heart attack this morning, to be honest with you. There's a couple of things now that I'm creeping on 50 that like I've never felt. Just weird, sharp pains will just pop up in places.
7:49 Speaker 01 That's great. That's what I wanted to hear.
7:51 H. Foley? And I was doing my, I do my pushups on my kitchen sink.
7:55 Speaker 01 Right?
7:56 H. Foley? I have a routine in the morning. I do a whole routine. Put the music on, I do my face, I do my, my, do my cold face. Stick my face...
8:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, let's do the stuff that matters. Let's focus on that.
8:07 H. Foley? I'm doing, I stretch out, and I do the Asian slaps to loosen up the lymph nodes.
8:13 Speaker 01 Like you're fucking Bam Bam Bigelow.
8:17 H. Foley? I'm doing all the spots.
8:18 Speaker 01 Couple of slap jobs. Like, like you're telling a runner to round third.
8:25 H. Foley? Throw my cat against her fridge and I bounce back, crowbar him. And I banged him out and then I was taking my pills and I got like a real sharp. It shot right through me and I felt like a pain in my back from it. Yeah.
8:39 Speaker 01 That marble countertop you're doing or Formica? You gotta be careful with whatever it was, cause that's not-
8:43 H. Foley? No, it's granite.
8:45 Speaker 01 Okay.
8:45 H. Foley? I think so. Hard, hard rock. It's up against the wall. It's not going anywhere.
8:49 Speaker 01 Just, just saying. The guy-
8:51 H. Foley? Am I gonna push the building over?
8:53 Speaker 01 Well, I mean with the cheap labor these, with the, the cheap building materials these days. Um, but no, they got news of someone passing and that's a very dirtbag thing that I watched them do for about forty-five minutes is go through the whole family tree of, no, Mary Ann was Patty's sister. Patty was two years ahead of me at Little Flower. And then, no, she was the good basketball player, right?
9:20 H. Foley? Yeah.
9:21 Speaker 01 Oh, did she marry, did she marry Joe's brothers?
9:25 H. Foley? She could've married the guy that ran the supermarket though, but didn't go for it.
9:28 Speaker 01 I mean it-
9:29 H. Foley? He's got like four locations. They do wow.
9:31 Speaker 01 And they all, you're just like, what the fu- it sounds like something out of, out of, out of a movie.
9:35 H. Foley? Yeah.
9:36 Speaker 01 It's crazy.
9:36 H. Foley? Yeah, he passed.
9:38 Speaker 01 Oh, that's a sin. Lot of that's a sin.
9:41 H. Foley? It's a sin.
9:41 Speaker 01 Well, she got diagnosed early. They caught it and then they went back.
9:45 H. Foley? Came back. Always comes back. Yeah, came back.
9:49 Speaker 01 That's tough. But they sat there and chopped it up and I heard the whole, the, the-
9:56 H. Foley? It's crazy your mom don't smoke.
9:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:00 H. Foley? Heaters would really stretch out her convo's. Get her a nice one hundred.
10:05 Speaker 01 Sure.
10:06 H. Foley? Get her smoking.
10:09 Speaker 01 Now, she, we were talking about how we all quit. My brother, my brother quit and I quit and we were talking, we were telling my aunt, we're like, yeah, we quit. And she goes, I didn't really know you smoked. I was like, what the fuck? Lady, I showed up every Christmas smelling like a goddamn ashtray.
10:22 H. Foley? I thought you were more of a drinker.
10:24 Speaker 01 Well, hey.
10:26 H. Foley? Just glad you got off the dinner rolls. Um.
10:31 H. Foley? Daddy.
10:35 Speaker 01 I do my pushing up some of my kitchen sink.
10:37 H. Foley? I do.
10:37 Speaker 01 I'm sure the landlord loves that.
10:39 H. Foley? What are you a landlord? Superintendent.
10:41 Speaker 01 Fucking pipes are all kinked up behind that wall.
10:43 H. Foley? Who I still owe a grease to. Yeah, I haven't done my Christmas grease yet.
10:48 Speaker 01 The way you operate.
10:49 H. Foley? Way, way deep in the year.
10:51 Speaker 01 You, you operate like a pure, for somebody who thinks they're an operator, you operate like a pure bozo.
10:57 H. Foley? Yeah.
10:57 Speaker 01 You really do.
10:58 H. Foley? Not good, no.
10:59 Speaker 01 Bad.
11:00 H. Foley? Not good at all. I got a grease, but I figured, you know, you spent all that money on a holiday, you think you got a little something from Uncle Hank. Remember me? You know, Valentine's Day is coming up.
11:07 Speaker 01 That's a real good way to spin it. Hey, remember when you needed cash? Well, better luck, you got it three months later. And it's half of what I was gonna give you.
11:14 H. Foley? That's money in the bank.
11:15 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
11:16 H. Foley? I'm investing it for him. Give him the dividends. You know what dividends are?
11:20 Speaker 01 Money in the bank.
11:21 H. Foley? That's right.
11:22 Speaker 01 Shorty what you drank.
11:23 H. Foley? Alright, so I'm at a coffee shop this morning, minding my own business. Now, there's nobody in there.
11:28 Speaker 01 Now, why, how is that a, how is that a company purchase?
11:31 H. Foley? Cause I'm on my way to work.
11:33 Speaker 01 That doesn't matter. You're not at work. You were by yourself.
11:35 H. Foley? I was talking to somebody about a podcast.
11:37 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
11:37 H. Foley? I use my card, dickhead.
11:41 Speaker 01 Luke got this.
11:45 H. Foley? I gotta break into this fucking coffee shop tonight.
11:48 Speaker 01 Switch, switch the tapes and steal their. Steal the POS system. Luke, do you know how to hack a toast machine by any chance?
11:57 H. Foley? I do. I was one of the first guys to use toast.
12:00 Speaker 01 So you know how to hack one?
12:01 H. Foley? Huh?
12:02 Speaker 01 I just watched you try to shut your computer that you were real unsure about.
12:05 H. Foley? I had to make a hell of a BLT, you'll see that.
12:08 Speaker 01 What?
12:10 H. Foley? Dickhead.
12:10 Speaker 01 What?
12:11 H. Foley? So there's nobody, so there's one table in the coffee shop. It's like six, seven people.
12:17 Speaker 01 Six, seven?
12:18 H. Foley? And they are fucking.
12:19 Speaker 01 Do you probably even know what, do you know what that is?
12:21 H. Foley? Huh?
12:21 Speaker 01 I'm not, I don't know it, but.
12:24 H. Foley? Six, seven?
12:24 Speaker 01 Six, seven.
12:25 H. Foley? I know, yeah, that's what the kids are doing.
12:27 Speaker 01 You wanna know something really trashy?
12:29 H. Foley? I listen to Anthrax.
12:29 Speaker 01 I, I was holding back for a while.
12:32 H. Foley? What were you holding back?
12:32 Speaker 01 Listening to Anthrax.
12:36 H. Foley? Pantera.
12:39 H. Foley? I'm going to Lollapalooza this year too, so I need time off.
12:41 Speaker 01 Dimebag Daryl was the coolest name I ever heard. I remember being, I was like seventh, eighth grade when you heard.
12:49 Speaker 01 Brain exploded. I'm like, oh, you mean the coolest dude in the world?
12:55 H. Foley? Dime bags.
12:56 Speaker 01 That's because when you're getting into weed.
12:57 H. Foley? Dime, it's a dime bag.
12:58 Speaker 01 I know, but like, yeah, it's the age. Up in 7th grade, you're getting into weeds when you're finding music, some kid, yeah, dime bag, there. I couldn't name you a Wompanoa song.
13:05 H. Foley? How long you can make a dime bag last?
13:07 Speaker 01 Not really. We did that thing where we smoked it all really quick. We didn't know. That's also the weed we were buying was very bad.
13:15 H. Foley? Yeah.
13:16 Speaker 01 Fucking popping and.
13:17 H. Foley? Shit, you were pushing. That brick weed.
13:21 Speaker 01 I had good weed.
13:22 H. Foley? I know you didn't.
13:22 Speaker 01 Who do you know?
13:23 H. Foley? What'd you have? If you did, I would've known about it. Cause I would've came over and moved on you.
13:28 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
13:28 H. Foley? Had you working for me.
13:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:30 H. Foley? Corner boyin' it up. Your pockets out. One sweatpan up. Ass sticking out probably.
13:37 Speaker 01 That how you like it?
13:40 Speaker 01 Um.
13:42 H. Foley? Can we get to my segment here?
13:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm trying. You keep.
13:47 H. Foley? And now you burying the lead, you're building it up.
13:50 Speaker 01 I'm not doing anything.
13:52 H. Foley? So I'm over at this coffee shop.
13:53 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
13:54 H. Foley? Now.
13:54 Speaker 01 Spending company money.
13:56 H. Foley? At it, no, it was my card. At an empty coffee shop. Okay.
14:00 Speaker 01 You get so weird with that.
14:01 H. Foley? An empty coffee shop.
14:03 Speaker 01 That was my card.
14:04 H. Foley? People come in. And they're just, dude, they're talking. Play the tape. This is what I walked into. It, I'm talking about the size of this table, small joint.
14:14 Speaker 01 If this is someone recognizing you, that would be hilarious.
14:19 H. Foley? Buddy!
14:22 H. Foley? Luke, play the tape, please.
14:30 H. Foley? There's nobody in the place. There's just these six people.
14:37 Speaker 01 I don't know who I'm listening to.
14:38 H. Foley? Nobody. You're listening to people talking real loud across the table. Sitting over there.
14:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, I gotta be honest. I gotta be honest. That just sounded like a normal New York coffee shop. So maybe.
14:50 H. Foley? No.
14:50 Speaker 01 Maybe, maybe you didn't capture it great.
14:52 H. Foley? It's my phone, man. The microphone doesn't, I can't talk to people on FaceTime. I have to use my headphones cause it sounds like I'm in the submarine. Fuck. I really wanted that to work. Throw that in your face. You showed up late.
15:06 Speaker 01 Real deep throat.
15:07 H. Foley? I had work done. I had that ready.
15:09 Speaker 01 I didn't show, first of all.
15:10 H. Foley? Late.
15:11 Speaker 01 I, no.
15:12 H. Foley? Yes.
15:12 Speaker 01 Well, you're, you, you're guest bailed. You, you're, your collar, you lost, you lost your criminal.
15:18 H. Foley? Oh, so then you just stroll in?
15:19 Speaker 01 Ah, I, I told you I was having some, uh, you know.
15:22 H. Foley? The baby. It's all about the baby.
15:24 Speaker 01 You're very jealous. And I respect it as a crazy guy.
15:26 H. Foley? Kid's got cash.
15:28 Speaker 01 He's also going through a phase where their brain's developing so to stay asleep.
15:32 H. Foley? So am I.
15:34 Speaker 01 Are you sure about that?
15:36 H. Foley? That's what the pains are.
15:38 Speaker 01 Ah, I'm just getting smarter.
15:40 H. Foley? Did you ever go through growing pains?
15:42 Speaker 01 I don't, I mean, I-
15:43 H. Foley? I thought I was having a heart attack watching The Great Outdoors, the movie. I was in there on a date with this, about sixth grade or something like that?
15:50 Speaker 01 Six, seven?
15:52 Speaker 01 Oh, and I wanted to tell you, my mom wore a six, seven t-shirt on Christmas Eve.
15:56 H. Foley? Ooh, about that life. Bring her pellet gun?
16:01 Speaker 01 Dirtball.
16:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, I was just like, ah, she did it for the kids. It was like a six-
16:07 H. Foley? Did she know what it meant?
16:08 Speaker 01 I think she knows it's a thing, I think.
16:11 H. Foley? It doesn't mean anything. It's just what the kids are doing. It's stupid.
16:15 Speaker 01 Says the guy not involved in it. I mean, we're like so far, uh, away from it being relevant and or cool, but yeah.
16:23 H. Foley? It's like the Ice Bucket Challenge.
16:23 Speaker 01 I knew about it for months. Ice Bucket Challenge. Never get nominated for that?
16:28 H. Foley? Later.
16:28 Speaker 01 I remember this girl, "I nominate Kevin Ryan." I'm like, "You think I'm, first of all, lady, I'm sleeping on the couch in Washington Heights."
16:36 H. Foley? I do the Ice Bucket Challenge every morning when I shave at a Dunkin' Donuts.
16:40 Speaker 01 I don't even own a bucket, lady. Where the fuck you think I'm getting a five gallon bucket and ice?
16:45 H. Foley? She dumping a bottle of water on your head.
16:49 Speaker 01 I give myself a Swirly, pop back up.
16:52 H. Foley? So nothing on that? That wasn't impactful? That's a new segment here on the show. What's that sound?
16:59 Speaker 01 And it ain't about music.
17:02 Speaker 01 Um.
17:05 H. Foley? That's loud.
17:05 Speaker 01 Wait, is it, who, I don't know who I'm trying to listen to.
17:08 H. Foley? I told you six times.
17:12 H. Foley? I'm in a small coffee shop. There's a table of six people sitting over there, and they're loud as shit.
17:17 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Yeah, it's garbage behavior.
17:19 H. Foley? Play it again. Turn it up.
17:23 Speaker 01 Oh my god. He started with the police.
17:29 H. Foley? You sandbagging me here because you had to do a little extra work. That's not loud. Stop it again. Turn it up. It's cracked, man. No, it's not.
17:37 Speaker 01 That sounds just like, I'm like, I'm, I really wanted this to work out for you. I think you got a great, I think you got a great future in producing, but I just.
17:46 H. Foley? It's a field piece.
17:48 H. Foley? And that's why I put the coffees on the company card because I was working.
17:53 Speaker 01 This is all just because you're trying to think of something real quick.
17:57 Speaker 01 You're asking, hey, you guys like podcasts? No, no, no. Fuck, okay. Hey, talk a little louder, will you?
18:03 H. Foley? Field piece. Screaming in there.
18:04 Speaker 01 Okay.
18:05 H. Foley? Somebody else walks in, you would have been yelling at me if it was me.
18:08 Speaker 01 Why would I? Why? Why do you? Why do you bring me in? Don't fucking do that.
18:10 H. Foley? Because if I would have been loud, I would have yelled at you too.
18:13 Speaker 01 Well, why didn't you say that? Why is it me yelling at you?
18:16 H. Foley? That makes you look like an asshole.
18:18 Speaker 01 Fair enough.
18:19 H. Foley? Contractually complicated.
18:23 Speaker 01 Yes, that is, I hate that behavior. I hate, uh, we talk about this a lot that there's, you know, uh, I'm, I don't want anybody ever knowing what I'm saying.
18:32 H. Foley? No.
18:33 Speaker 01 Right? I don't know if that's just like the, who, how we were raised, whatever, like the, you don't want anybody knowing nothing.
18:39 H. Foley? Yeah. Who's sitting around you?
18:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:42 H. Foley? Buddy of mine was saying that they was at the dinner with somebody and the table next to them were talking shop and they knew who they were talking about. I don't ever want that. Huh?
18:52 Speaker 01 You got buddies?
18:53 H. Foley? Yeah. This was me.
18:55 Speaker 01 That was me.
18:57 H. Foley? I didn't want to rat you out. I keep my mouth shut. Okay, we got to talk about acorns, baby.
19:02 Speaker 01 Acorns, acorns, acorns.
19:03 H. Foley? Start putting that money away, gang. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. Acorns is easy. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money. Even if, even if it's a little spare change.
19:15 Speaker 01 A little dabble, do you?
19:17 H. Foley? Get it in there. Get in the habit. Next thing you know, it's going to grow and grow and grow.
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20:01 Speaker 01 During over the 14 million all-time customers, I'm one of them who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns.
20:07 H. Foley? That's a lot of money.
20:08 Speaker 01 I don't have the $27 billion. Head to acorns.com/garbage or download the Acorns app to get started. This is paid client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 2 compensation provided. Potential subject to various factors such as customers' accounts, age and investment settings. Does not include Acorns fees. Results slash results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investment involves risk. Acorn Advisors LLC, an SEC-registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com/garbage. Do it.
20:39 H. Foley? Okay, but let's talk about Ultra.
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21:47 Speaker 01 Please support the show and tell them the boy you sent you. We love you.
21:50 H. Foley? We love you.
21:51 Speaker 01 I ever tell you that time that the pandemic, it was in the pandemic, places had just opened up and like very limited seating. And we went into Patty's. And this is the first time that comics are back inside having beers.
22:03 H. Foley? The hot dogs.
22:05 Speaker 01 That was still outside. The hot dogs were out. You had to order food in order to sit, so they started selling hot dogs. Which, man, I did not mind that at shitty bars. Because they had to give out food. They had to become a restaurant.
22:16 H. Foley? Steamed dogs.
22:17 Speaker 01 Man, I would, "Get your hot dog." They're like, "Legally, I gotta drop the hot dogs on the table." I go,
22:24 Speaker 01 not legally, please.
22:24 H. Foley? We can do that.
22:27 H. Foley? Start coughing.
22:30 Speaker 01 But I'm sitting and we're in the back of Patty's at the table. There's like two tables in Patty's, so we're back there and there's, and we're doing like an all-time trashing session on comics, on me, you, everyone, everyone, you're just, what we're doing. We're having beers inside. We're back, baby! And the table, the table sitting next across from us the whole time, and then I get up to leave, they're like, "Big fan of the show, by the way." "What the fuck?"
22:54 H. Foley? "Give me a hot dog."
22:56 Speaker 01 I was like, "Oh, man, you just heard inside the vault. Everybody was getting it."
22:59 H. Foley? Yeah. That's really to do our trashing, in the vault.
23:03 Speaker 01 Sure.
23:03 H. Foley? Secret.
23:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:05 H. Foley? Never let anybody outside the family know what you're thinking.
23:08 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
23:08 H. Foley? Vito Corleone. Actually Mario Puzo, because he wrote the film. Book two.
23:16 Speaker 01 Um, listen, yeah, that's, you know, I don't, but they were the only ones in the, in the thing?
23:22 H. Foley? Until I got in there.
23:23 Speaker 01 I kinda give it to them then, a little bit.
23:25 H. Foley? I'm a nobody. You tone it down when other people come in. I couldn't even think. I couldn't enjoy my drink that my friend had purchased.
23:34 Speaker 01 Sure.
23:35 H. Foley? Talking about you.
23:35 Speaker 01 I know, I picked up on that. Uh, no, I, listen, yeah.
23:40 Speaker 01 I, I, that's shitty behavior.
23:42 H. Foley? No manners.
23:43 Speaker 01 No manners.
23:44 H. Foley? We went back to sir.
23:45 Speaker 01 I do think there's, there's also a thing too of like on the bus, on a subway, in, in public.
23:53 Speaker 01 There's rules to like spatial awareness. If you're sitting somewhere.
23:58 H. Foley? Blasting your shit.
23:59 Speaker 01 If you're, no, not even that. If you're just standing, I don't come and stand right here. If it's like you, and then someone's over here, like you cut the distance in half, you know what I mean? And then, does that make sense?
24:10 H. Foley? Yeah, I'm not a hundred percent.
24:11 Speaker 01 You don't get in my personal space, you split the distance between the two people. It's like if you're at a urinal, you don't go to the urinal right next to the guy, you give a buffer, if there is a buffer.
24:19 H. Foley? I do, I mean, next one.
24:22 Speaker 01 You get a little peek, a little dabble, do ya?
24:25 H. Foley? My pants now too, they tend to just drop when I'm peeing. Somebody caught a shot of that, Tommy C or something. Cause they just come down, cause my belt's so heavy. My belt is so heavy.
24:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:37 H. Foley? It's like one of those diving belts.
24:40 Speaker 01 You got the lead on it and stuff like that. That's what they do, right? And they like, that like keeps them hovering.
24:45 H. Foley? I'd be so scared to put one of those on.
24:49 H. Foley? You get a cramp or something, you're dead.
24:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, but can't you just take it off? Yeah, they're like, they're like, they're like.
24:53 H. Foley? If you're fucking bugging out, say you're afraid, your fucking turtles are biting at you and shit.
24:59 H. Foley? You swim with turtles, you don't swim with turtles? I swim with turtles.
25:01 Speaker 01 I don't think they bite ya.
25:02 H. Foley? What the, you're crazy. A sea turtle, take your finger off.
25:08 H. Foley? Yeah.
25:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
25:09 H. Foley? These things are aggressive.
25:10 Speaker 01 Sure. How big do they get?
25:12 H. Foley? Big.
25:13 Speaker 01 Okay.
25:13 H. Foley? Four hundred pounds, right?
25:16 Speaker 01 Big.
25:16 H. Foley? Sea turtles.
25:17 Speaker 01 I touched one once in Hawaii.
25:18 H. Foley? Yeah, it's bad news, man.
25:20 Speaker 01 A guy got really mad at me.
25:21 H. Foley? Yeah, you don't do that shit.
25:24 Speaker 01 Hey, what are we doing?
25:24 H. Foley? You don't, it's illegal.
25:28 H. Foley? It's illegal.
25:28 Speaker 01 Illegal. It's illegal.
25:33 Speaker 01 Listen.
25:34 H. Foley? What?
25:34 Speaker 01 Your bad production pieces aside, we got a goddamn family episode on our hands. We have business to get to.
25:42 H. Foley? Yep.
25:42 Speaker 01 Okay, okay. Um, speaking of family, is it, this is from Cameron, is it garbage for your mom to yell at a teacher at a parent teacher conference? Mom asked me to go wait in the hallway.
25:56 H. Foley? Whoa.
25:56 Speaker 01 Next thing I know, she's screaming. That's wild.
26:00 H. Foley? I respect the, the, you know, the gentleman's move of, why don't you go in the hallway, check out the car?
26:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, let the adults talk.
26:07 H. Foley? Yeah.
26:09 Speaker 01 This was, I, we have a very, we had a very, your teachers.
26:15 H. Foley? Oh, I was never getting.
26:17 Speaker 01 I think one a lifetime, one in our 12 years, you got.
26:23 H. Foley? Did your parents defend at you?
26:25 Speaker 01 Or just that teacher just doesn't like you.
26:29 H. Foley? Nah, I never got that.
26:30 Speaker 01 But it was, it was, that teacher just doesn't like you, do you figure it out? You don't get to, we're not switching classes, I'm not fucking going to defend.
26:40 H. Foley? Switching classes?
26:40 Speaker 01 People would do that, yeah.
26:44 H. Foley? Never.
26:44 Speaker 01 I think if, I think.
26:45 H. Foley? What'd you do? You did something, she doesn't like ya.
26:49 Speaker 01 Sure, which was the, the original thought.
26:51 H. Foley? Yeah, probably in there being fat and rude.
26:54 Speaker 01 Which you were.
26:55 H. Foley? Were.
26:55 Speaker 01 Yeah. Um, but it was, it was like a life lesson of like, that teacher just doesn't, does not like you for whatever reason. Mostly my reasoning, you know.
27:05 H. Foley? My fourth grade teacher didn't like me because of my snacks, the snacks that I brought. She thought they were too indulgent.
27:12 Speaker 01 That's a very astute observation by that. Do you have that teacher's number by any chance? I'd like to give him a. What were, what, what were you eating, a fucking meatball sub?
27:22 H. Foley? Tomahawk.
27:25 H. Foley? No, for a long time, hostess did these pies and they had eclair pies. I haven't told you this?
27:33 Speaker 01 I don't know, you, you, you talk about, you talk about food in the past a lot.
27:36 H. Foley? I had just moved to that school, we had just moved down. And it was my first time in, in a public school. You know what I mean? I was used, I was in a sheltered Catholic school before that. Nobody, nobody took shots at ya. Gentlemen's rules. And we all sat in this big ass circle and you got to have your snack, it's snack time. And I had one of these, uh, hostess pies. And she went, ooh, that's not a snack, that's a lunch. The fuck, bitch?
28:05 Speaker 01 Does the rest of your family come to split that thing with ya?
28:09 H. Foley? Stung the shit out of me.
28:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, I get that.
28:12 H. Foley? The fuck, man? Little fat ass, you drawing attention to me? Look, I'm not eating this in the coatroom. Privacy.
28:20 Speaker 01 Where I like to do my business. And then go through other people's belongings.
28:25 H. Foley? What's the private dining options in here? Ms. Cooper?
28:28 Speaker 01 You guys have like a banquet room or something I can go stay there?
28:31 H. Foley? She was actually cool as shit, but that one stung.
28:33 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah, that's, that's...
28:35 H. Foley? We got to have a big party at the end of the year, a big cookout. If we got enough marbles in the jar, I don't know what that was about.
28:42 Speaker 01 Did you get enough marbles?
28:43 H. Foley? Yeah.
28:44 Speaker 01 Wait, was it Burt Kidd?
28:49 Speaker 01 Ms. Cooper, I ate my marbles again. You're like Ralph Wiggum, dude. How have we never put that together? Your fingers stuck up your nose and shit? And I'm Bart Simpson, obviously. I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
29:04 H. Foley? Yeah, we had a cookout.
29:05 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
29:05 H. Foley? It was big bash.
29:06 Speaker 01 Was it for the class?
29:07 H. Foley? For all class.
29:08 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
29:09 H. Foley? Yeah. The wings and shit, it was nice.
29:11 Speaker 01 Wings at a... that's wild.
29:13 H. Foley? Yeah, it was cool.
29:15 Speaker 01 Chicken wings at an elementary school birthday party? What the fuck? Is it a Bills tailgate?
29:22 H. Foley? A fish fry?
29:25 Speaker 01 Alright, ten bucks a plate, y'all.
29:28 Speaker 01 Here, there we just take C. Adams.
29:32 Speaker 01 Sheesh.
29:34 H. Foley? I'm working the grill.
29:35 Speaker 01 You're an old black dude.
29:41 H. Foley? Your mama coming? I was asking for it.
29:45 Speaker 01 Tell her, go, everybody was asking about her.
29:47 H. Foley? I just rewatched Friday the other day. That plate that he brings back to, uh, Lawrence Fishburne at the cookout looks so good. Right before he cuts his hair.
30:01 Speaker 01 Did I tell you my brother was just telling me about the, I think I might have off air, was telling me about... He's got the... Apron with the big hog on it and he was like, dude, look what I like. I was just like, man. Funniest thing I've ever seen.
30:18 H. Foley? Sure.
30:20 Speaker 01 Oh, God. Um, yeah, I know teachers now.
30:26 H. Foley? It's different.
30:27 Speaker 01 It's crazy.
30:28 H. Foley? Yeah.
30:29 Speaker 01 It's absolute fucking bananas.
30:33 H. Foley? It's gotta be brutal to be a teacher or a coach now. Brutal.
30:37 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah, it's a lot of like, you need to apologize to the student, to the parents, to, it's like, actually.
30:47 H. Foley? The kid sucks.
30:48 Speaker 01 I know multiple teachers who are, have looked outward for other employment.
30:55 H. Foley? Different industries.
30:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think, well, it's changed.
30:58 H. Foley? It's not to mention, half of them gotta have a moonlighting gig.
31:00 Speaker 01 I think it's obviously.
31:01 H. Foley? They're bartenders.
31:02 Speaker 01 And a lot of them pay for a lot of the stuff in the, you know, in their classrooms themselves. Yeah. Um, but like, uh, I think it's obviously like every generation it changes. Ah, back in my day, like my mom tells you like the nuns would fucking beat the shit out of you and stuff like that. But, um, I think it's changed so drastically in the last 20 years that it's like, it's really jumped the shark. And a lot of people are like, I know multiple teachers who are like, I'm done teaching. I'm gonna go just get a fucking job doing whatever.
31:33 H. Foley? Fuck these kids.
31:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's just too much of like, hey, I have to,
31:38 Speaker 01 I have to write a letter to parents to apologize for like asking the student where their hall pass was or whatever.
31:46 H. Foley? Man, it's fucked up. My mom would have never backed me up. Never.
31:50 Speaker 01 No, I never got it. I got.
31:52 H. Foley? And there was a lot of, sorry to cut you off, there's a lot of, there was a lot of questions, a lot of friction, cause I was stupid.
31:59 Speaker 01 No.
32:00 H. Foley? Yeah. You know what I mean?
32:02 Speaker 01 Sure.
32:02 H. Foley? Undiagnosed a couple of things, ADHD, my glasses, all that shit.
32:06 Speaker 01 Diabetes.
32:09 Speaker 01 Ms. Cooper, I can't feel my toes.
32:15 H. Foley? Ms. Cooper, do you smoke burning grass? Or burning toast? Having a stroke.
32:20 Speaker 01 You don't fuck that up. Burning grass.
32:24 H. Foley? That's what I did my first play, Cybertron Oz. We did a play.
32:28 Speaker 01 Cybertron Oz?
32:29 H. Foley? Yeah, we were able to like, put a play together. So we combined Transformers and Wizard of Oz.
32:35 Speaker 01 Hey, you've been swinging out from an early, you've been striking out from an early age.
32:39 H. Foley? I had to play the uncle. I got killed in like, the first two minutes. Megatron.
32:44 Speaker 01 He kept trying to come back to life and steal the show?
32:48 H. Foley? Zombie. I am a zombie robot. Get him off! Foley, lay down!
32:56 Speaker 01 Back in the, back eating crab services?
32:58 H. Foley? Trying to do solos and shit.
33:01 H. Foley? Yeah, Cybertron Oz.
33:04 H. Foley? You ought to have had some legs on it. Thought about taking it to the West End, but uh, yeah, it wasn't a big...
33:08 Speaker 01 West End, uh, Wilkes-Barre?
33:10 H. Foley? West End of London, dickhead. That's where they do all the cool plays.
33:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:14 H. Foley? Bro, Broby's dead. Go over to West End, that's where you do it.
33:18 Speaker 01 Okay. Sure.
33:20 H. Foley? Be one of the walk the boards.
33:22 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, I never, uh...
33:26 Speaker 01 Was never defended. I remember there was a life lesson, it was in high school, my mom was just going like, "You just have to deal with this." Like, "If he doesn't like you, you need to modify your behavior to make this work." "'Cause this is what it is." And then, none of it, if that shit made it to my dad, it was like...
33:45 H. Foley? I feel like he would maybe defend you.
33:46 Speaker 01 It, no, oh, no. It was also, he was just like, this, he was a very big proponent of like, "This does not fucking matter." Like, and he had like, I mean, he had bigger problems than a fucking Mr. Jacobs breaking my balls.
33:59 H. Foley? Fatter fish to fry.
34:00 Speaker 01 You know what I mean?
34:00 H. Foley? No pun intended.
34:01 Speaker 01 Sure. So he was like, "What the fuck?", he was just like, "Just figure it out."
34:05 H. Foley? Can't handle some fucking social studies teacher? You pussy?
34:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, how you know?
34:09 H. Foley? How you gonna act on a job site?
34:10 Speaker 01 How you gonna act when the state comes after you?
34:13 H. Foley? Yeah, you're gonna act when the feds start closing it. Change your grade and you shut up.
34:17 Speaker 01 Uh huh, yeah, it was very, very much like just.
34:19 H. Foley? You're not gonna sign my name by now?
34:21 Speaker 01 Figure it out.
34:22 H. Foley? Yeah.
34:22 Speaker 01 Which I, I wish I could show it, but his handwriting was so bad.
34:26 H. Foley? Your dad's?
34:27 Speaker 01 Dude.
34:28 H. Foley? My dad's was bad too.
34:29 Speaker 01 I'll have to show you where me and my brother at an early age started getting called down to the office for forging his signature. His, dude, his cursive was like a second grader. Like, but perfectly bad, if that makes sense.
34:43 H. Foley? I gotcha.
34:44 Speaker 01 Like, huge, and they, they would be like, what is this? Every, every new school, like junior high, they'd be like, what the fuck is this?
34:53 H. Foley? He's in class with you next week?
34:55 Speaker 01 You'd have to go, hey, I know.
34:58 H. Foley? A blue collar guy, ladies!
34:59 Speaker 01 You can call him, you can do whatever, but like, that's, they would have it on file. Cause then the, the teacher would call the office and go, we have forged, like, he's forging his dad's signature on something.
35:10 H. Foley? Jesus.
35:10 Speaker 01 And they'd go, no.
35:11 H. Foley? Rats.
35:12 Speaker 01 That's, that's his, but then, once that happened, I learned this from Danny, once that, once the whole, everybody knew it was bad, then you could forge the shit out of it, cause they go, oh, this is bad.
35:23 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
35:23 Speaker 01 Kevin's dad's got a bad signature.
35:25 H. Foley? Yeah.
35:25 Speaker 01 So, that's how you, that's how you.
35:28 H. Foley? A hankering for butter, too. It's all over his test paper.
35:32 Speaker 01 Hey, we were a margarine family.
35:34 H. Foley? Yes, you were.
35:35 Speaker 01 With crumbs in it.
35:37 H. Foley? Ooh, little extra, little crunchies.
35:40 Speaker 01 Man.
35:40 H. Foley? I hate when it does that in the eggs. That's the only time it bugs me out.
35:43 Speaker 01 Oh, not on a pan?
35:44 H. Foley? Yeah, cause I was at my mom's and her butter dish is, uh, gross.
35:49 Speaker 01 I think the clinical term is, uh, nasty.
35:51 H. Foley? Dude, I don't know what she's doing in there. Looks like wolves got at it. And yeah, I'm trying to do a couple eggs. Fucking, there's a bunch of little, like, I thought it was mouse shit, there's a little rye seed. Flavor.
36:05 Speaker 01 Savor the flavor, baby, cause it sure as hell won't happen again. I used to clean it off. I used to like take a knife, clean it so I can get some fresh.
36:14 H. Foley? What'd you do with that butter?
36:17 Speaker 01 What?
36:18 H. Foley? Slap that on or you throw it out?
36:19 Speaker 01 No, I don't wanna eat other people's
36:21 H. Foley? If it's on toast, I'm okay with it.
36:23 Speaker 01 Nah.
36:24 H. Foley? Really?
36:24 Speaker 01 I didn't fuck with that. Also too, if there was jelly in the peanut butter, there was hell to pay. Mom!
36:33 Speaker 01 I walk up, I open her bedroom door. The fuck you call this?
36:37 H. Foley? You're sticking it in her eye like in this boy's leg?
36:39 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah.
36:40 H. Foley? I respect the mom for putting him outside. I respect the mom for standing up for the kid, but that-
36:44 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
36:45 H. Foley? That only goes so far.
36:47 Speaker 01 I think that it's a good life lesson to learn. Listen, if the mom's-
36:52 H. Foley? You're gonna straighten somebody out, get the kids out of their room?
36:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, one, that's true. Also too, like, stand up for yourself if you think, if she thinks the kid's being treated wrong, to an extent. Not that it happens... Listen, if this is, if your mom is, if you have a problem with every teacher, or your mom's yelling at every teacher, you guys are a fucking problem. But...
37:12 Speaker 01 I think once where it's like, yeah, hey, listen, there is a time of, you know, where justice needs to prevail, put my fucking foot down.
37:19 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
37:19 Speaker 01 Listen, you don't talk to me like that, you know, whatever, whatever the transgression was, is sometimes you gotta fucking choke a bitch.
37:25 H. Foley? Sure.
37:28 Speaker 01 That's what my buddy Piggy said that one time. Sometimes you gotta choke a bitch.
37:32 H. Foley? Kim, what's up about Chime?
37:34 Speaker 01 Chime!
37:35 H. Foley? As you know, baby, life comes at you pretty quick.
37:37 Speaker 01 You ain't lying, big man.
37:38 H. Foley? Things start adding up.
37:39 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
37:40 H. Foley? You know what I'm saying? I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, if you're gonna do a little banking, make sure you save your money, make sure you do it right, watch out for bank fees, all that kinda stuff. I'll tell you what I really wish, I could go back and say, "Hey, I wish I had Chime."
37:54 Speaker 01 I know. Listen, if you're out there, this is where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. It's hard, listen, it's hard enough to keep a buck as it is. Then you got these big corporate banks-
38:05 H. Foley? Amen.
38:06 Speaker 01 -coming after ya.
38:07 H. Foley? Overdraft fees.
38:08 Speaker 01 Overdraft fee, uh, monthly statement, not it. Oh, five dollars for this, ten dollars for that, they got their hand in your pocket.
38:14 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
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38:50 Speaker 04 Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime Card provided by Chime's bank partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com/disclosures for details.
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39:32 H. Foley? Yeah, there was a lot of, um, they couldn't, I mean, I think in their hearts, they knew what was, that I was just dumb, but, you know, my reading comprehension, acting out in class, overabundance of snacks at snack time. So they were, they, it wasn't just cut and dry. Like, our, my parent teacher things, I'd be in there till like 10 o'clock. Everybody's gone, I'm still sitting out there, fucking in the hallway, and they're getting an earful.
40:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, mine were always tense, too, if both of my parents, because that was sometimes the only time those two were in the same room.
40:07 H. Foley? Were they, what, why'd you need both of them to go? I don't know if my dad ever went.
40:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, they would go.
40:13 H. Foley? Ooh.
40:14 Speaker 01 Man, and that was like, fuck, you'd be on eggshells waiting to see what the fucking report was when they came home. You're just being like, man, or dude, I hope this works well.
40:23 H. Foley? So, you caused your parents divorce, huh?
40:25 Speaker 01 For everybody's fucking sake.
40:27 H. Foley? Man, would they gang up on you?
40:30 Speaker 01 Oh, at times, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, also, I was a piece of shit. To an extent, you know what I mean? I wasn't fucking.
40:38 H. Foley? Preaching to the choir.
40:39 Speaker 01 I know, you know what I mean, like, but you're, you lack, I'm assuming then, for sure, you lack the awareness that you are being a problem.
40:47 H. Foley? No, I knew a little bit.
40:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, not enough.
40:50 H. Foley? I also had charm, though.
40:51 Speaker 01 You don't know enough now.
40:52 H. Foley? You didn't have any charm. I had charm.
40:53 Speaker 01 What are you talking about?
40:54 H. Foley? I'd do a song in a day. I'd get people laughing.
40:56 Speaker 01 Adults loved me.
40:58 H. Foley? What?
40:58 Speaker 01 Adults lov- I would sit there and chop it up with my, the parent. They, they would all go, Kevin? No way Kevin does that. I'm in there doing fucking PR. I still hang out with Pat's dad.
41:08 H. Foley? That's true.
41:09 Speaker 01 I don't think Kevin.
41:10 H. Foley? Were you guys friends when you were that little?
41:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, me and Pat have been friends since you were like, I don't know, second grade or something like that?
41:16 H. Foley? No kidding.
41:16 Speaker 01 Seven, eight, ten, nine, something?
41:18 H. Foley? Hmm.
41:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:21 H. Foley? Old school, old school. You got any boys like that?
41:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's like.
41:26 H. Foley? Jared, Jared Mandarhoff.
41:28 Speaker 01 It was also like 10 years ago.
41:31 Speaker 03 High school, it's like you played it to the teachers. You got, you found the cool ones. I was tight with the guidance counselor, Mr. Monroe.
41:38 Speaker 01 I never got that. The people who were tight with the guidance counselors. They were narcs to me. It's like, you're not a kid, but you're not a teacher. I don't fucking trust you.
41:46 H. Foley? They didn't have high expectations for me.
41:49 Speaker 01 I remember they, to graduate, I, like, the last week I had to go talk to, like, she's like, you haven't talked to me in four years. What the fuck am I talking to you for, lady? I got enough, fuck, I got my fucking parents breathing down my neck, not to mention Mr. Jacobs, fucking stammering around, breaking my fucking balls. You think I need to come down here once a month and talk to you?
42:04 H. Foley? Entertain you, huh? How are things at home, huh? What do you want from me?
42:08 Speaker 01 I remember.
42:09 H. Foley? Can you get this jelly out of my peanut butter?
42:11 Speaker 01 One of the bigger things was, I was getting parking tickets, because I could.
42:14 H. Foley? What? Where?
42:15 Speaker 01 At school.
42:17 H. Foley? Parking tickets?
42:18 Speaker 01 They would write you $10 parking tickets. If I didn't have a parking, because I could.
42:22 H. Foley? How fat were you?
42:24 Speaker 01 I was taking up two spots. Hey, Lord, eh?
42:27 H. Foley? Double parked in the hallway?
42:28 Speaker 01 Well, you could draw, you weren't allowed to drive in 10th grade.
42:32 H. Foley? Parking, didn't you have a parking lot?
42:34 Speaker 01 We did. Yeah, I'm not fucking, I'm not a meter parking. Hey, keep it up front, will you? I'm gonna go hit, I'm gonna go hit this badminton game and fucking roll out.
42:45 H. Foley? So, how would you get a parking ticket?
42:47 Speaker 01 They would check, you had to have a parking permit to park at school.
42:50 H. Foley? Ah, we didn't have any of that shit.
42:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, that shit, uh, probably after the, you know, yeah, after your generation, more people were probably driving and stuff like that, so you-
42:58 H. Foley? Senior year, I had my spot, too. Everybody knew when I'd touch it.
43:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's because the car was broken down in it.
43:08 H. Foley? My mom's sleeping in it.
43:11 Speaker 01 Fucking corolla and cinder blocks, yeah, everybody wanted to steer clear.
43:18 Speaker 01 Hey, don't scratch your paint. You're missing a door, buddy.
43:25 H. Foley? So, your mom asking for a jump when she dropped you off?
43:28 Speaker 01 So-
43:28 H. Foley? No.
43:29 Speaker 01 I was, I could drive in high school, in 10th grade, I guess towards the end of 10th grade. I was able, I was 16 and able to drive, but I didn't have a parking permit, but I would drive anyway, because I wanted to catch my heaters in the morning.
43:42 H. Foley? Understandable.
43:43 Speaker 01 And, um, so I would park and they would write you tickets, like, they would check once a week. And I would, so I'd get parking tickets, and they were $10 parking tickets, and I had like fucking 14 of them or something, and they called me in. Sat me down.
43:58 H. Foley? Community service?
43:59 Speaker 01 And they're like, "You've had the most parking tickets of anybody ever." "Thank you very much." And we were big into cards at this point, like gambling, so I had a couple of shekels on me.
44:09 H. Foley? Okay.
44:10 Speaker 01 Probably two hunch on me.
44:11 H. Foley? What do you need, huh? Make this go away.
44:13 Speaker 01 And I did that, and the look on-
44:15 H. Foley? Jack of spades falls out of your pocket?
44:16 Speaker 01 Mr. Greenland, I think, the look on his face was like, like I just bought off the guards, dude, he was like, "What the fuck?" I pulled out, I pulled out a lot of 20s.
44:27 H. Foley? Yeah, you still some lunch, huh?
44:28 Speaker 01 There you go, what is it? 140, he goes, "I'm good for you, take care of Mrs. Secretary Week coming up, you know what I mean?" Oh! If you don't mind.
44:38 H. Foley? It's nice she was telling me she wants a scarf, huh?
44:40 Speaker 01 I'm gonna go hit my second lunch.
44:46 Speaker 01 See what you guys got cooking in the teacher's lounge.
44:48 H. Foley? You don't be able to sit in town at the volleyball game too, huh?
44:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was-
44:54 H. Foley? You're good kids.
44:54 Speaker 01 That was a behavioral issue. Mine was never really great. It was behavior. It was like me being a dick.
45:00 H. Foley? Broken home.
45:05 H. Foley? That's key, kid.
45:06 Speaker 01 Uh, alright, let's see here.
45:09 H. Foley? Rock and roll music. Now Maury Povich.
45:12 Speaker 01 Sure.
45:13 H. Foley? Plus you were all jacked up on carbohydrates and, uh, simple sugars.
45:17 Speaker 01 Really Wawa Sizzlys and French vanilla cappuccino.
45:20 H. Foley? Man. A lot of fucking-
45:22 Speaker 01 I did not know-
45:23 H. Foley? High fructose corn syrup pumping through them veins.
45:26 Speaker 01 Man.
45:27 H. Foley? Lot of Dino Nuggets and fucking Dunkaroos.
45:29 Speaker 01 I would crush that bagel. My dad would take me to Wawa every morning. I'd crush a bagel with butter. And at one point, I remember he goes, "I do half the bagel." "What, are you nuts, guy?" I didn't know that there was a cause and effect of the amount of carbs and margarine I was eating with. That was the first time I seen with butter.
45:47 H. Foley? Hey, what'd you get your wife back, huh?
45:49 Speaker 01 Hey, next parents' teacher conference, why don't you fucking dress up a little bit, make a move on the lady?
45:55 H. Foley? These two Christmases are bullshit.
45:57 Speaker 01 I know you guys are just fucking buying the same amount of presents and splitting them up over two houses.
46:03 Speaker 01 Oh, God. Um, alright, let's see here. Uh, this one's from Pac Rat. $10 homie.
46:11 Speaker 01 "Was it a gentleman's move when you come upon a freshly mopped floor? I feel like you should stay as close to the walls as possible and use as few steps as necessary." Man, I'm on my tiptoes too.
46:24 H. Foley? Great. Especially if the guy's there. Sorry, sir.
46:28 Speaker 01 Sorry about that.
46:28 H. Foley? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, your respect. A fresh, clean floor? Not to mention, you take a fucking header on one of those.
46:34 Speaker 01 Poo. Um, I remember my mom would be doing the floor. We'd be like out playing hockey or something in the summer. My mom would-
46:43 H. Foley? She would mop?
46:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:45 H. Foley? We'd maybe get that, that shitty one. I don't remember my mom mopping a lot.
46:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, your place is a sty.
46:54 H. Foley? Peanut shells.
46:55 Speaker 01 Your mom had to be mopping.
46:56 H. Foley? I guess.
46:57 Speaker 01 Something. I mean, my mom was a mopping fucking weekly. Two, three, you know, whatever. Whenever we did a clean, she would mop.
47:05 H. Foley? Hmm.
47:07 Speaker 01 And I remember have, it would see, it was just, I guess I was young, so it was my perception of time. She'd mopped the kitchen. And we had to feel, I feel like we had to stay outside for three days. Like you can't, "Hey, the floor's wet!" I'm like, "Well, I gotta fucking, I gotta go to bathroom." "I'll tie your pecker and then I'll..." You're just fucking jammed up in the garage. Out of shit, looking for air conditioning, middle of August. Fucking jammed up.
47:30 H. Foley? One of them Diet Iced Teas?
47:31 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Brutal.
47:34 H. Foley? Wow, yeah, respecting the mop. The school floors were always nice, with their nice, fresh mop.
47:40 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
47:41 H. Foley? Had that smell to them.
47:42 Speaker 01 I told you, I used to work the Zamboni at the Acme. Nothing better than that. That fucking manpower, fuck. Get a nice, good, clean, work the edges.
47:51 H. Foley? Through by the frozen food section? Get lost in there? You get frostbite on you?
47:57 Speaker 01 I gotta tell you, I went back to the Acme I worked at recently, when I was back home for the holidays.
48:02 H. Foley? Nice. That you worked at as a plumber, or as you worked at as a, uh...
48:08 Speaker 01 As a...
48:08 H. Foley? Grocery person?
48:10 Speaker 01 Customer service, customer service representative. And one hour photo, technish.
48:17 H. Foley? Hmm. You ever seen anything spicy?
48:19 Speaker 01 No, I wanted, I told you, I wanted to. I like called the manager over and it was a, uh...
48:23 H. Foley? Fingernail?
48:24 Speaker 01 No, it was, uh, it was bodies. It was like blood and bodies. I thought it was a crime scene, I thought I blew the case wide and open. Uh, independent film.
48:32 H. Foley? Ah. They would've killed you in two seconds.
48:35 Speaker 01 But the first couple, I was like, "What the fuck?" And I saw the cameras and I, I don't think they're, you know.
48:40 H. Foley? What are you shooting on?
48:42 Speaker 01 Um...
48:44 H. Foley? Stick your headshot in there?
48:45 Speaker 01 The urge, the urge in me, to tell people I worked there.
48:50 H. Foley? Was overwhelming.
48:51 Speaker 01 Was so overwhelming. To grab a high school kid, that I was the high school kid.
48:56 H. Foley? They do protos?
48:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:58 H. Foley? Yeah, they do protos.
48:59 Speaker 01 Back when I was here, Band-Aids were in aisle fourteen.
49:03 H. Foley? And clear ones, you believe that? Clear Band-Aids.
49:05 Speaker 01 Uh-huh, I was here when they put the self-checkout in. That was a day to remember. I wanted to fucking...
49:13 H. Foley? They still got that robot rolling around? Had a tasty relationship with her for a little while.
49:19 Speaker 01 At one point, that was me. I was the robot. But yeah, there was just something in me to be like, "I used to, back when I was banging here." Something. Something in me.
49:29 H. Foley? Yeah.
49:29 Speaker 01 That dirtbag, dirtbag.
49:31 H. Foley? It's funny, I had that instinct this morning, because it was busy at the coffee shop. And when I worked at Snack de Verne, that was basically a coffee shop in the morning. And it was for fucking the who's who at a West Village, so pressure. And I was almost, "Yeah, I know what it's like."
49:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:46 Speaker 03 You still do that?
49:48 H. Foley? Do I? Who do I do that to?
49:49 Speaker 03 I feel like you did that at that restaurant in LA. Ah, yeah, I used to, I used to...
49:53 H. Foley? No. What, those guys at Marvin?
49:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:56 H. Foley? Fuck those guys.
49:57 Speaker 01 But like we said, you want them to know by the language you use and your behaviors. You don't come out and say you were in this shit, but you... You got your Purple Heart on.
50:06 H. Foley? Strike this?
50:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:08 H. Foley? Eighty-six me.
50:08 Speaker 01 Hey, is this eighty-six?
50:10 H. Foley? Yeah.
50:11 Speaker 01 No, I don't do that. Maybe sound like an asshole.
50:14 H. Foley? I was those guys.
50:17 H. Foley? Plus a couple other factors.
50:18 Speaker 01 Sure. Okay, and we're back. Um, alright, this one's from Brian, uh, shhh... Fucking, real trashy spelling. B-R-Y-O-N.
50:29 H. Foley? Ooh, Byron.
50:31 Speaker 01 Brian?
50:32 H. Foley? B-R-Y-O-N.
50:34 Speaker 01 Brian?
50:35 H. Foley? Brian.
50:36 Speaker 01 I think it's just Brian. Brian? That was a robot's name. Brian.
50:43 Speaker 01 "Are you garbage if you leave your trashcans at the end of the driveway all week and then take your trash out from the house down there on trash day?" That's brutal. That's... as the king of the burbs.
50:55 H. Foley? Yeah, people don't like that. It's funny what neighbors don't like and don't say anything about. They don't like that. I don't know why they don't like that.
51:03 Speaker 01 It's a lit... I feel it, right now, you know, when I'm in the burbs. You notice it. You're, as a homeowner, you're more aware of... It's like the Keeping Up with the Joneses. You don't want to be the only guy with your trashcans blowing around, because they-
51:18 H. Foley? Or your lawn all fucked up.
51:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:20 H. Foley? That's gotta be you.
51:22 Speaker 01 No.
51:22 H. Foley? It's gotta be.
51:23 Speaker 01 Why?
51:24 H. Foley? Crabgrass and dandelions everywhere.
51:26 Speaker 01 Ah...
51:27 H. Foley? Fucking dog shit all over the place. That hunk of shit car sitting there.
51:32 Speaker 01 Okay.
51:33 H. Foley? Your dumbass coming out.
51:34 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
51:35 H. Foley? That's all I got.
51:36 Speaker 01 Anything else?
51:39 H. Foley? Big head coming through the windows.
51:41 Speaker 01 Uh, dog going nuts. Um.
51:47 Speaker 01 I did it as a kid and we would catch a fucking ration of shit of leaving them. I'd walk by them home from the bus. I ain't fucking bringing them.
51:56 H. Foley? You work here. You walked right by the trash cans?
51:59 Speaker 01 Yeah. I come home from all day fucking work and this is what I wanna see?
52:04 H. Foley? Fucking student athlete lady, get out of my face.
52:07 Speaker 01 I busted a lot of 20, that's just gonna cost me. Clean this thing up a little bit. Um.
52:13 H. Foley? Yeah, it's about money, huh?
52:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was, that was, and I never understood it as a kid. But I, you gotta get them that day. Overnight is bad, cuz they start blowing, the fucking, the raccoons get in there and stuff like that.
52:26 H. Foley? We've talked about this, but I look back on that stuff. It's like, why was I such a lazy piece of shit?
52:31 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
52:31 H. Foley? Doing that stuff now is, you know how long it takes to unload a dishwasher? About three seconds.
52:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:36 H. Foley? Grab the trash, you like, like doing it. Not even my house. I do for the old bro when I'm down there. You know?
52:43 Speaker 01 Uh-huh. You're a good guy.
52:44 H. Foley? Just could've done that shit. I would've saved so many arguments and stress for them. But that stuff that it led to, and then the fights and the yelling and the...
52:54 Speaker 01 I remember on trash night, we'd have to go up, we'd have to go collect the trash from like, the bathrooms upstairs. And that might as well been in India to me. We'd all be watching TV.
53:06 H. Foley? Bunch of Q-tips stuck to the bottom.
53:08 Speaker 01 Cotton balls with god knows what on them. What the fuck is this?
53:12 H. Foley? Feminine hygiene napkins?
53:15 Speaker 01 They were mine. But yeah, you're just like, I remember like dumping, something be stuck on the bottom and you're like, well, that's fucking tomorrow's, I'll get yelled at tomorrow for that. I remember being scared in my parents' room too, going, there's like a turn and I could, you couldn't see the hallway from the bathroom. Ay caramba.
53:31 H. Foley? I remember those maxi pads when I was a kid, they were, it was like a helix.
53:34 Speaker 01 Gave you a rash?
53:37 H. Foley? I couldn't figure out what the fuck that was.
53:39 Speaker 01 I still don't know.
53:40 H. Foley? I would just say "aplicated."
53:43 Speaker 01 "Applicate."
53:45 H. Foley? "Applied."
53:46 Speaker 01 And these things taste funny.
53:49 Speaker 01 You taking them in for snack time, Ms. Cooper? Uh...
53:53 H. Foley? I've told you about Ms. Cooper before.
53:55 Speaker 01 Sure.
53:55 H. Foley? Shout out to her, she's a lovely woman.
53:57 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Uh, alright, let's see, this is a home run of a name.
54:01 H. Foley? Talk to me.
54:02 Speaker 01 This is from the Chicken Pharmaceuticals.
54:03 H. Foley? Ooh, Chicken Pharmaceuticals.
54:06 Speaker 01 That's an all-time, all-time name. Uh, ten-dollar blue collar hat, uh... "Are you garbage if you were almost run over by the Ice Cream Man and were given a free soft pretzel in order to buy my science, silence?"
54:20 H. Foley? That would've cost you way more than that with me.
54:22 Speaker 01 I don't know.
54:23 H. Foley? No, come on. There was a step, there were steps to that. The Ice Cream Man. There'd be a pretzel and a soda.
54:32 Speaker 01 I don't think our guy had pretzels. I don't think so. He didn't have a kitchen back there.
54:38 H. Foley? Yeah, we had pretzels, I think.
54:39 Speaker 01 We just had the standard, it was like the van with the top on it, with the small window. Yeah. But then they went, then they went, yeah, they went rogue at some point, they were all fucking...
54:52 H. Foley? It's like the mob lost control of him or something like that. It was every man for himself.
54:56 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
54:57 H. Foley? Need fucking order.
55:00 Speaker 01 They never came to my neighborhood either.
55:02 H. Foley? When they got Bumpy Johnson in Harlem.
55:05 H. Foley? Every man for himself.
55:06 Speaker 01 Sure.
55:06 H. Foley? Chaos out there on the streets, Frank. Not to mention, they're chopping up the ice cream at the police station and selling it back to us.
55:13 Speaker 01 Uh-huh, I know you watched it this week.
55:15 H. Foley? What? Watched King of Comedy, Jerry Lewis.
55:20 Speaker 01 Jerry?
55:21 H. Foley? No more, there's, there's only like two or three more, uh, dramatic Jerry Lewis performances. One is something called, um, Him as a Clown in, uh, concentration camps that they held for like seventy-three years or something. He's so good in dramatic roles. Yeah, that's all I got.
55:40 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:40 H. Foley? But yeah, I did watch American Gangster.
55:41 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:43 H. Foley? Sorry.
55:43 Speaker 01 Alright, I'll get, I'll get, um...
55:45 H. Foley? You didn't see the jar, Hippie?
55:47 Speaker 01 Saw the jar, bud. Um...
55:51 Speaker 01 I had a friend get run over when we were kids, uh, fucked his ankle up pretty bad, and I think he got like two-hundred-and-fifty or three-hundred grand, that he had to wait until he was eighteen.
55:59 H. Foley? Soft pretzel.
56:02 Speaker 01 I mean, I think if it didn't, if you weren't that injured, if I wasn't like hurt to the point where you're like, because listen, this is what used to happen. From growing up with an older brother, where you'd fight, if you didn't have any proof, it's not what you know, it's what you can prove. I watched Training Day.
56:18 H. Foley? Nice.
56:19 Speaker 01 It's not what you know, it's what you can prove. So if I, yeah, say I got nicked by the car.
56:23 H. Foley? They hit me!
56:24 Speaker 01 Well, let me see it. And if there's nothing to show, there's no blood, there's no bruise, there's no, I gotta go get x-rays.
56:30 H. Foley? Kiss that pastry, shoodle goodbye.
56:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, so at that point, unless I'm bleeding, I'm really hurt, a fucking foot's going the wrong way or something, I gotta get what I can get.
56:42 Speaker 01 And everybody knows I like a nice, soft pretzel.
56:45 H. Foley? Yeah.
56:46 Speaker 01 Maybe I'd get like a-
56:47 H. Foley? I'd need a screwball to back that up.
56:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, firecracker kicker or something like that.
56:50 H. Foley? Something sweet and fruity to wash that down with. Which a popsicle and a soft pretzel did go very well together.
56:58 Speaker 01 Sure.
56:58 H. Foley? Similar to a soft pretzel and a Slurpee. Coca-Cola.
57:03 Speaker 01 That's the only reason. The only, the only time I liked going to 7-Eleven over Wawa, was to get that Coca-Cola and their warm pretzels. Because Wawa didn't have warm pretzels.
57:14 H. Foley? They still don't.
57:15 Speaker 01 Fucking crazy, right?
57:17 H. Foley? It's crazy. Wild. And they could throw in a fucking slushy machine. Sheetz has a slushy machine.
57:22 Speaker 01 They had the icy machine.
57:24 H. Foley? Oh, they do?
57:24 Speaker 01 They, I don't know if they still do, but for a while, they had the red and blue, just the red and blue icy.
57:29 H. Foley? Icy's that-
57:30 Speaker 01 Whereas 7-Eleven had Slurpee. I don't know if Wawa has it anymore, though.
57:34 H. Foley? Ices have that like bubbly-
57:36 Speaker 01 I loved, I loved both for different reasons. Truly. That blue raspberry was kick-your-dick-in good.
57:42 H. Foley? When blue raspberry dropped, that really changed, opened up a lot of doors for people.
57:46 Speaker 01 What do you got?
57:47 H. Foley? Still got the icy machines.
57:48 Speaker 01 Still got the icy machines.
57:49 H. Foley? No kidding.
57:49 Speaker 01 I haven't done an icy in so long.
57:51 H. Foley? Let's go! I wanted to tell you this, um, which I might have told you, but I'd had my brother dead to rights one time. Talk about evidence, I was the same way. If I didn't, if I didn't have something to pin it on him, they wouldn't believe me. Then I'd get it worse from my parents. And lying about, blah, blah, blah. But usually, he had it coming.
58:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, usually ended, ours usually ended in, "You're five years older than him. What are you doing?"
58:15 H. Foley? Yeah. Yeah, this was over-
58:18 Speaker 01 We were the same size, if not, I had him, I had him in, I had the weight advantage for a couple of years.
58:23 H. Foley? You were giving him your old clothes?
58:26 Speaker 01 That happened.
58:30 H. Foley? Pack of Razzles.
58:33 H. Foley? Get you every time. My best cases. Ice cream guy pulls up. It was the only day my mom was off from work. I don't know why. It was the summer. She was off from work. We were just talking about this over the holidays. Uh, my brother got something. I got a pack of Razzles. And me and Rodney, my buddy Rodney, we went down to the creek over a town line. We were whatever. And there was a bridge that went over the creek. My brother's like, give me a pack of them. Give me some of them Razzles. You know what Razzles are? No. Candy gums. Starts as candy, turns into gum. So gimmicky. That was great. What? That stuff, it's never good candy or it's never good gum. You idiots. Right. Anyway. Figure out what you are. My brother throws a mud pie at me. You know what a mud pie is? A whoopee pie? No, like a mud ball. Never had a whoopee pie. Shout out to Joltin' Joe List. One of my all time favorite lines.
59:17 H. Foley? Hits me with a mud pie or a mud ball, which had a rock in it. You always gotta make it food? I didn't know if, I didn't know if he realized it.
59:28 H. Foley? Hit me with a ham bone. Hit me with a mud penny all of that. Stains all over me. That's not gonna come out. Hit me in the head and there was a big rock in it. Fucking split my head open. I was gushing blood. Man, first of all, I thought I was dying. This kid Kurt Rikowski, who was with my brother, accomplished a crime. Was very nice. I was freaking out. I was like, Kurt, am I gonna die? He's like, no, you're not gonna die. You need some stitches. You're gonna be alright. Once I hear, once I. Give me some Razzles. My last wishes. Once I heard that, I switched operations to fucking, how can I? Victim mode. Fucking screw my brother. I went into the house, fucking. My lord. Fucking blood everywhere. My mom freaked out. Yeah.
1:00:11 H. Foley? Watched whatever I wanted on TV that night. The news?
1:00:18 H. Foley? Operation Desert Storm. Throw in that Tom Brokaw for a half an hour. We didn't find what the hell was going, find out what the hell's going on in the world. That's what my parents used to say.
1:00:28 Speaker 01 Uh, alright, let's see here. This one's from Tom. "Are you garbage if you put a 20 into the tip jar at an open bar for your first drink? Then you remind the bartender you already tipped heavy every time you get a refill."
1:00:42 H. Foley? You're almost there?
1:00:43 Speaker 01 You're almost there, I agree.
1:00:44 H. Foley? You have to give it to them. You give it to them. You say, "Here you go, that's for you." Tip fuck the tip jar!
1:00:50 Speaker 01 I'm a little bit off...up. I don't think you need to give it to them. I think it's a little tacky to give it to them.
1:00:56 H. Foley? You want them to know.
1:00:56 Speaker 01 I know, but you can make them know with the tip jar. Here you go, that's for you. Slow windmill Dominic Wilkins dunk.
1:01:04 H. Foley? Snap at it?
1:01:05 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Boop boop. Uh, you give him a half. There's another half when that comes back.
1:01:10 H. Foley? Yeah, he's got state pack there.
1:01:11 Speaker 01 Um, I agree with that. If you hit him heavy enough, you need a little bit of confidence that he remembers you.
1:01:18 H. Foley? Of course!
1:01:18 Speaker 01 And he does. So you just got, and I know it's weird to go to not remind them and you want to remind them because you don't want to feel like a cheap, like you're stiffing them.
1:01:26 H. Foley? That's why you hand it to them and you know he's gonna remember you. It's a transactional relationship, Kevin.
1:01:31 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:01:31 Speaker 03 You pulled the move I loved.
1:01:33 H. Foley? Me?
1:01:34 Speaker 03 Kippy said...
1:01:34 H. Foley? I'm good at what?
1:01:35 Speaker 03 He said, "Where's the tip jar?"
1:01:38 H. Foley? Oh.
1:01:38 Speaker 03 And then...
1:01:39 H. Foley? Where were you?
1:01:40 Speaker 03 Was that your wedding?
1:01:44 Speaker 01 And we're back. Um...
1:01:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, hey, where's the tip jar? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:01:50 H. Foley? Boom! There was no tip jar.
1:01:51 Speaker 01 I still give them...
1:01:52 H. Foley? I set that up. Greased everybody after.
1:01:56 Speaker 01 Stiffed.
1:01:59 Speaker 01 One for you, one for you.
1:02:01 H. Foley? No.
1:02:02 Speaker 01 Uh, okay. Guy who's getting way too defensive?
1:02:03 H. Foley? Gentleman's move.
1:02:04 Speaker 01 Um...
1:02:07 Speaker 01 I would probably push back on, they probably would've made more money if they were getting tipped by the general public, for sure.
1:02:11 H. Foley? Uh uh. I can guarantee you that. And you could take that... To the bank.
1:02:17 Speaker 01 Don't you still owe your tip to your super at the moment? So you can take that to the lying department.
1:02:26 H. Foley? Get them on Zelle. They get Zelle.
1:02:28 Speaker 01 I think, uh, yeah, just make sure they see it and then live in it for a while and then you gotta, uh, it depends on how many times you're going up, the complexity of your order. And then you give them a little bit of reinforcement. Doesn't have to be a 20 again, obviously, but maybe a 5, a 10, just something to go, let's say you go, you hit them with the 20, you go get 5, drink 5 rounds. Two couple hours later, tip them again to know, "Hey, I'm still here, we're still boys, I'm still talking to you." You know what I mean? That's what you do.
1:03:00 H. Foley? Then you ask him if he knows anybody in the area.
1:03:02 Speaker 01 Do you know a guy who can be here? Does he work on credit? I'm kinda light on cash at the moment. Can you break a 50?
1:03:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I get that. It is the gentleman's move, uh, to tip heavy up front and then, you know, they're always, they always remember you a little bit more.
1:03:20 H. Foley? But sometimes, like the teachers, a bartender can sometimes just be a dick.
1:03:26 Speaker 01 100%.
1:03:27 H. Foley? And they're still dragging ass with the 20 in the cup. And you gotta, "Yo, treat me like a fucking dickhead over here." You got a button in there and a 20. I gave you the 20.
1:03:39 Speaker 01 You know what they do as well? Uh, we have ours at a hall, our Christmas party at a hall, and I've always shocked by this behavior.
1:03:49 H. Foley? That's right, you would not let me come to that, remember?
1:03:51 Speaker 01 To my family-only Christmas party? Yeah. I invited you Christmas Day.
1:03:58 H. Foley? To your house?
1:03:59 Speaker 01 To my aunt's house.
1:04:00 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:04:00 Speaker 01 "I don't wanna go to that. I wanna go to the one I can't go to." Yeah, no, there's nobody but family members there.
1:04:08 H. Foley? Family? Uncle Hank?
1:04:11 Speaker 01 I'm pushing in front of a car.
1:04:14 H. Foley? I already tried that.
1:04:15 Speaker 01 He better kill me.
1:04:17 Speaker 03 Better have a soft rental.
1:04:19 H. Foley? I'll sue the shit out of you.
1:04:22 Speaker 01 They take, uh...
1:04:23 H. Foley? Screwball and a Superman Band-Aid, please.
1:04:25 Speaker 01 I respect the move 'cause you'll get tipped more. They take cash out.
1:04:29 H. Foley? Oh, yeah!
1:04:30 Speaker 01 Keep the tip jar like a quarter full.
1:04:32 H. Foley? Everybody does that.
1:04:32 Speaker 01 I know, yeah. I respect them saying, "I respect that. Keep appearances up like you're a starving artist."
1:04:37 H. Foley? Yes!
1:04:39 Speaker 01 Homeless guys do that, too.
1:04:40 H. Foley? Of course.
1:04:41 Speaker 01 Can't be sitting there with a fucking shaking a cup of 15 grand in there going, "Yo, times are tough."
1:04:48 Speaker 01 Okay, speaking of open bars and weddings, this one's from the head intern. A little bit of a situation they got here. I wrote a check for a wedding gift but forgot to sign it.
1:04:58 H. Foley? Nice. Like the move.
1:05:00 Speaker 01 Me too, big guy. Wink, wink. The bride reached out a couple of weeks later and said the bank wouldn't let them deposit it because it wasn't signed. How do you feel about that?
1:05:12 H. Foley? That sounds like a year prob, honey. The chicken was overcooked.
1:05:19 H. Foley? Just sign my name. Go to a different teller. That's what I would say.
1:05:26 Speaker 01 I don't love the reaching out. And it's a me personally thing. I feel like I'm asking for money now. And I've done that a lot and I don't... I feel like I'm coming from a position of I need the... And I get that the person wrote you a... Gave you a gift and it means a lot to them. Like, I understand the gift-giving aspect of it. But for me to ask is, is that something my wife and maybe this guy had his wife do it. Yeah.
1:05:52 H. Foley? Yo, for sure. The wife definitely wasn't connected to this guy. It was the husband's friend or whatever.
1:05:57 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:05:58 H. Foley? She don't mind, yeah. She's, you know, they're nesting, whatever, you know?
1:06:02 Speaker 01 Cause it says "the bride." It didn't say "my friend reached out." This dumb broad. Hit me up on my day off. I'm trying to relax, enjoy myself.
1:06:11 H. Foley? You ain't fucking cash that yet?
1:06:13 Speaker 01 Cost me a deadbeat. Oh, freeze it. I gotta freeze my account. I got a couple of things in the air.
1:06:20 H. Foley? Fraud, fraud!
1:06:24 H. Foley? Calling Saint-Dan-Tair right now.
1:06:27 Speaker 01 My money got tied up in a gold deal that went south.
1:06:32 Speaker 01 I'm not really liquid.
1:06:33 H. Foley? Lehman Brothers check? Nothing on it?
1:06:38 Speaker 01 You've been quoting a lot of financial crimes recently.
1:06:43 Speaker 01 Yeah. So it says, okay. Uh, wouldn't be tight because it wasn't signed, so we had to zell them the gift instead.
1:06:52 Speaker 01 Which I'm on record as saying, finding a checkbook, a card, signing it, we should be able to just zell.
1:07:02 Speaker 01 The, the, the non-emotionalist thing, I get that. It's not the best, but it's for convenience.
1:07:06 H. Foley? Yeah. I would've wanted, I'd need a copy of that check being ripped up though.
1:07:11 Speaker 01 He says, "The problem was I forgot how much we gave as a gift."
1:07:14 H. Foley? Ooh.
1:07:15 Speaker 01 This guy must have a couple of bucks. And I know how much everybody's gotten. "Is it garbage to ask them how much the check was for so I don't accidentally send less than the original check amount?"
1:07:26 H. Foley? Nice.
1:07:27 Speaker 01 "Or do I play it safe and overshoot it?"
1:07:28 H. Foley? Ooh. This guy is a gentleman.
1:07:31 Speaker 01 He's got a couple of bucks, because if you can just blindly overshoot it.
1:07:34 H. Foley? Who's this feller here?
1:07:35 Speaker 01 This is the head intern.
1:07:36 H. Foley? Get this guy in here working. Or I was working for him.
1:07:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, something. Um, I mean, writing checks and not knowing how much they're for.
1:07:44 H. Foley? Oh, yeah.
1:07:45 Speaker 01 I can tell you the amount of every check. I, I mean, I haven't written that many checks, but...
1:07:48 H. Foley? 100%.
1:07:52 Speaker 01 Huh.
1:07:54 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:07:55 Speaker 01 I, uh...
1:07:56 H. Foley? I guarantee I know what he did. I overshoot, I send you...
1:08:01 Speaker 01 I think the way to do, one, classy. Two, I think the way to do it is go, "Oh, I'm sorry. My wife Monica wrote that. How much was it for? I'll send you the zell right now." You know what I mean? Give yourself a little bit of a distance.
1:08:17 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:08:18 Speaker 01 Because if you overshoot it and you overshoot, I mean, I don't know. I, that's probably what I would do.
1:08:24 H. Foley? This guy's alright though.
1:08:25 Speaker 01 Yeah. He's a fucking mover and shaker.
1:08:28 H. Foley? By the way, Monica, sounds pretty hot too.
1:08:30 Speaker 01 You know, you got type, he's like...
1:08:33 Speaker 01 Uh, we gotta wrap it up though, gang.
1:08:34 H. Foley? What a fun one.
1:08:35 Speaker 01 What a fun one.
1:08:37 H. Foley? Gang, we love you. Tour's starting up very soon. Do yourself a favor, grab them tickets. Do a lot of weekends going quick.
1:08:43 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Yes. Show, the room, uh, we're doing more shows, uh, but they're comedy clubs, so get those tickies. We're gonna have a fun time. We'll just be posted up for a little bit. Listen, the shows that will sell out, well before the shows are Tampa, Austin, and Chicago. Get those tickets, or you're gonna snooze, you lose.
1:09:00 H. Foley? We'll see you next week. We love you.
1:09:01 Speaker 01 Peace.
Previous The Sweatpants Situation! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley Next Bert Kreischer Returns! Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated