Live from the Van w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored by: Mint Mobile: Shop data plans at https://mintmobile.com/GARBAGE. Sponsored by Better Help: Visit https://betterhelp.com/GARBAGE to get 10% off your first month. Pretty Litter: Go to https://PrettyLitter.com/GARBAGE to save twenty percent on your FIRST order and get a free cat toy. Lucy: http://lucy.co/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00H. Foley?

  Gang, the 2025 edition of the Are You Garbage card game, third edition is on sale right now at areyougarbage.com. Play it with your friends, play with your family, and see who is trash.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, we got over 50 questions right here. Was your babysitter a man?

• 0:14H. Foley?

  Yes, he was.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Hit me. Ever been run over? How you doin'?

• 0:16H. Foley?

  Yes, I have.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Can you pick up stuff with your toes?

• 0:19H. Foley?

  Yes, I can.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Gang, available at areyougarbage.com, and they're shipping in a day or two. Get on board.

• 0:26Speaker 02

  Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

• 0:45H. Foley?

  Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?

• 0:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 0:51H. Foley?

  It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out to go to be classy.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:56H. Foley?

  If they're just a big ol' piece of trash.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Garbage.

• 0:59H. Foley?

  I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day, barreling down the Pennsylvania Turnpike here in Toody's Mobile. Big Blue. Toody's back at the house.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:10H. Foley?

  We left her a rolled up hundred on the kitchen table, and I don't think it's gonna be for pizza. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman, and he's sitting in the captain's chair. He's got all the remotes. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Let's go.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available on Spotify. And I just checked the nose nombies last night. Them things are cookin', baby. And then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/areyougarbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.

• 1:53H. Foley?

  Boys, we're doing a little bit of something different today.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  Uh-huh.

• 1:55H. Foley?

  Little taste of the road with us in the back. Two little spoiled brats back there.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  From Route 66 fame.

• 2:03H. Foley?

  From Route 66 fame, the boys are on the road. You got Mr. Tom "Cat Daddy" Cassidy.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  Good to be back, boys.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Happy to have you, Tommy.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  Out on the open road. Pittsburgh, salt of the earth out here, these people.

• 2:15H. Foley?

  Hey, you're a true talent, Tommy, let me tell ya. And of course, Mr. Sam Rubenoff.

• 2:19Speaker 04

  Hey, happy Passover, or whatever you celebrate.

• 2:23H. Foley?

  Comedian, director, actor.

• 2:27H. Foley?

  Stand-up comedian?

• 2:29Speaker 03

  Classic schlub.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  All-around loser.

• 2:33H. Foley?

  Hebrew. Is it Passover?

• 2:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, man.

• 2:37H. Foley?

  So what are you doing?

• 2:38Speaker 04

  I'm, uh, I did a seder on Sunday.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Drop that microphone. Not allowed to be touching electronics. Aren't you guys Amish on the weekends?

• 2:44H. Foley?

  Shouldn't you be shitting shiva somewhere or something like that?

• 2:47Speaker 01

  That's what you do.

• 2:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, you know, we did the Passover seder thing and, uh, now I'm hanging out with my favorite Catholic people.

• 2:56H. Foley?

  Is this a big one? Is this a big holiday? Is this a high holiday?

• 3:00Speaker 04

  It's not a high holiday, but it's a holiday.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Doody's high.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Every holiday's Passover for her. How you doing?

• 3:08Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah, no, but it's one that people... I would say it's like Jewish Thanksgiving.

• 3:14H. Foley?

  Didn't I see you eating bread yesterday?

• 3:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I did, I did the... Yeah, you eat, you eat fucking meat during Lent.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  I saw you eating a lot yesterday, too.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Don't be judging people for what they were eating.

• 3:25H. Foley?

  Diesel, you're in the middle of the goddamn road.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, we got our boy Ryan D. driving. Great wheel, man. He's been a little wonky this trip. I just had to check him as he was cruising through an intersection. Uh, but all in all, this is the squad, gang. This is the road squad. This is the bus. Uh, we are leaving Pittsburgh right now, just pulling out of town, headed to Cleveland for two sold-out shows. Really one, when the other one's about 96% sold out, like a walk-up.

• 3:52H. Foley?

  Packed out, not sold out.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Packed out, not sold out. Uh, we wanted to give you a little... We typically do these on Patreon, the greatest website of all time, but we wanted to give, uh, the bozos a little slice of life, you know what I mean? So here we are. This, and I gotta be honest with you, uh, I am in love with this bus. I might be done flying forever. I, I might be full-blown John Madden, just wheels on the bus, cruising through this great country of ours.

• 4:19H. Foley?

  Taking your meals in here and shit like that?

• 4:21Speaker 01

  I'll be doing everything, dude. Just me and Diesel on the open road. I'll meet you guys in Portland.

• 4:25H. Foley?

  Doing play-by-play for the Raiders games from here?

• 4:28Speaker 01

  I got a bunch of TVs going.

• 4:29H. Foley?

  By the way, I wanted to bring something up. This is a little bit of hard feelings, but I heard you talking yesterday

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Shit?

• 4:35H. Foley?

  About commissioning the, uh... The van for a personal trip.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Well, that was another thing. I liked the van so much. My family's got a trip in Florida. And I was, I'm trying to convince my brothers, my brother, my brother-in-law, and my nephews to ride like, I'm like, let's ride down to Florida. They are adamantly opposed to it.

• 4:53H. Foley?

  Well, what's the compensation coming my way?

• 4:56Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 4:57H. Foley?

  See, I own half of this thing.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 5:00H. Foley?

  So am I coming?

• 5:01Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:02H. Foley?

  So there'll be a monetary compensation?

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I doubt it.

• 5:05H. Foley?

  Something sexual?

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Why not just being a good friend of mine, you let me use it, and also now you're putting our business out there for the IRS? Which I do not appreciate, my friend. That is a business trip. I'm going down there to talk to clients. I'm going to try to secure some, some funding from some Cubans.

• 5:23Speaker 03

  And you could take the bus too. You could take Patty down to Sandals or something, whatever you guys do.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Down to hedonism, wherever you and your family go.

• 5:29Speaker 03

  Get it on a boat.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I will, I want to take the kids on a road trip. These kids don't know road trips, you know what I mean? So I want to take them on a nice fun, we'll stop at south of the border, you know?

• 5:40H. Foley?

  They don't want to sit in a van with you? What are you talking about?

• 5:42Speaker 01

  I'm the cool uncle.

• 5:44H. Foley?

  Yeah, right.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  What do you mean, creep? Yeah, I don't know why you're going down that way with it.

• 5:50H. Foley?

  You know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 5:52Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Pancakes?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  A western?

• 5:55H. Foley?

  I did try the waffle at the Hampton Inn, just...

• 5:58Speaker 01

  That's crazy. But I'll give it to you, I respect it.

• 6:00H. Foley?

  Yeah, pretty good. I couldn't wait the two minutes though, so it was a little medium rare. To be quite honest with you.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  A little runny on the middle?

• 6:08H. Foley?

  Yeah, I couldn't wait.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  You couldn't wait the two minutes?

• 6:10H. Foley?

  It was 250, 200, 2, 2 minutes and 50 seconds you had to wait for it to cook. I don't like them well done either though.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  You're doing a shot of the batter?

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Mom, why is that guy eating waffle milkshakes?

• 6:22H. Foley?

  Shut up, kid. Um, I was thinking about this this morning. I don't know if you guys are going to be able to relate to this at all, because you're younger.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:31H. Foley?

  All right, so when you think about the span of 20 years, all right? Where I'm going with this is, I remember in the 80s, being in cars that were probably made in the 60s, or even let's say the 90s. If I'm, if I'm in a car in 1990, that was made in 1970.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 6:52H. Foley?

  It felt like they were 100 years old. They had like that smell.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:57H. Foley?

  You know that smell I'm talking about? That rusty metallic.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 7:00H. Foley?

  Rusty the trunk. What made me think of it is when Kramer was talking on Seinfeld, because I was watching Seinfeld, because I can't sleep. These pills got me. I can't sleep at all. I didn't fall asleep until like 6 o'clock last night.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  I know. You had your, you had your medium rare waffle then went back to bed.

• 7:15H. Foley?

  For an hour.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:16H. Foley?

  Without a CPAP, and that was bad. I had like five heart attacks while I was laying there.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Sure. It's a big morning.

• 7:23H. Foley?

  But I was watching.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  The waffles and heart attacks.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  The smell of old cars.

• 7:29H. Foley?

  But I was watching, I was watching Seinfeld, and it was the marine biologist episode where he was talking about all the golf balls he had in the trunk of his car. And as you know, Kramer had an older model car.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 7:38H. Foley?

  And I was thinking about what the trunk of that car must smell like. That like gasoline rusty kind of smell. When you think about it though, a car made in 2000, or if I'm in a car in, in.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  It's like the Loom. The Loom's 20 years old.

• 7:53H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I have. I know exactly what you're talking about. I went out and bought that car.

• 7:57H. Foley?

  But that wouldn't have that same kind, that's.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  I know, but it has smell of that time. It has smell of the car.

• 8:03H. Foley?

  Yeah, which is, it's weird.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Like it doesn't smell like a car from 2025. You get in that, you're like, I am in fucking the year 2000, or what is it? The 95. You're like, I am in.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  30 years old.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm in 1995.

• 8:15H. Foley?

  It's weird to think though. It's not, they get, well, how come it doesn't seem, how come 2020 to 2000 doesn't seem as far away as 1990 to 1970?

• 8:27Speaker 01

  Because you're.

• 8:28H. Foley?

  We're still in Vietnam in 1970.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  The passage of time is different.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, but yeah, but you're, how old were you in 1990?

• 8:33Speaker 03

  40.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  I was just retiring for my first job.

• 8:38H. Foley?

  In 1990.

• 8:39Speaker 03

  He was 14 years old.

• 8:40H. Foley?

  I was 14. God damn stalker.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Why don't you two get a room?

• 8:45H. Foley?

  Get off my dick, Tommy.

• 8:46Speaker 03

  1976.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, so you're 14, your life experience is different. Every year at 14 is vastly different than every year from 30 to 50.

• 8:57H. Foley?

  No, but I'm just.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  No, that's what it is.

• 8:58H. Foley?

  What I'm saying is the technology has evened out. From 1970 to 1990 is a huge jump. But 2000 to 2020 doesn't feel like that huge of a jump.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  That's an insane statement.

• 9:11H. Foley?

  Is it?

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Dude, there's, there was, from 2000 to 2025? Dude, compare the Lumina to this thing. This thing has wifi.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  And a fucking flat screen in it. And do we have a five camera setup going on right now?

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Smells nice, too.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  The Lumina?

• 9:27H. Foley?

  It smelled nice until you squashed that spider, which that's fucking bad juju, by the way.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  That's the last thing you need.

• 9:34H. Foley?

  That's the last thing I need.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  That'd be six heart attacks.

• 9:35H. Foley?

  This guy's killed.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Bad juju, he's sitting right next to me, take it easy.

• 9:39H. Foley?

  Happy Passover. And is it happy Passover?

• 9:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, sure.

• 9:43H. Foley?

  It's sad Passover.

• 9:44Speaker 04

  No, it's a good one.

• 9:45H. Foley?

  Isn't this when you were hiding babies?

• 9:48Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah, we're, we're...

• 9:49Speaker 03

  Put the paint on the door.

• 9:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  I don't know if you've ever met them, but the Jews are rarely happy.

• 9:53Speaker 04

  This is a happy one, we're hiding babies.

• 9:55Speaker 03

  Foley smears barbecue sauce on his door.

• 9:57H. Foley?

  This is why, this is why Jesus got out of town, right? They were, they were killing the firstborn or something like that?

• 10:02Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:03Speaker 04

  This had nothing, this is pre-Jesus.

• 10:04H. Foley?

  Yeah, nothing to do. I was like, oh, see how they start that?

• 10:07Speaker 01

  I was never even there, I was out of town that weekend. I don't know what these guys are...

• 10:11H. Foley?

  You shut up, bitch!

• 10:11Speaker 01

  I don't know what these guys are talking about. Yeah, you really started dissing himself from the old JC, didn't you there, Sammy Rude?

• 10:18H. Foley?

  I'm actually half Italian.

• 10:20Speaker 01

  Uh, I wanted to mention too, uh, yesterday on the ride, we had a nice ride out from New York City to Penns- uh, to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. By the way, Pennsylvania, beautiful state. I trashed it for being whatever, pencil tucky, they call it, between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. There is some real nice country out there. You get the mountains, you get the green farms, we went through a couple of sun showers, fucking beautiful.

• 10:45H. Foley?

  I have bad memories about that drive. The drive from, uh, from, from the east coast to Pittsburgh. Cause I only did it once, my buddy was going to Pitt, and we went out there for, uh, the Christmas, between Christmas and New Year's for a party in the middle of the semesters. And we got a bunch of bad blow and fucking had to drive back all crashed out. I hated it.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:07H. Foley?

  It's like a long six hour drive and I was crashing out.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Falling asleep at the wheel?

• 11:12H. Foley?

  I wasn't driving.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  Fair enough.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Ryan D was driving.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Meanwhile, you had me and Ruben off on a puddle jumper. Jesus Christ, was the day the features died on that one.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, Rubenoff and Tommy had to fly out.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  It's a fucking paper airplane.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  A lot of last minute change of plans, obviously.

• 11:28H. Foley?

  We had some things up in the air. We had a couple of things we had to stay in the city for. We had to cancel one of the Pittsburgh shows, unfortunately, as everybody knows. We had a humdinger there last night. It was fantastic.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Great.

• 11:38H. Foley?

  We're working on the makeup dates. Check the website. And yeah, we had to send you two morons out there just in case we were pulling in late. So you could do the sound check and all that stuff.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Which was gonna be real Hollywood stuff if we did get jammed up. We had them out there to start the show if we were gonna be running late. You know what I mean? We run into town, I'm putting my tux on as I'm like running through the door to go up and bomb for 300 people.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  No, but everything ended up working out easy peasy lemon squeezy. But on the way out, we stopped at a gas station. And I'm a little peckish, right? All the me, new guy Luke and Ryan D, we go in, we take our PP's. We get a coffee, and then we go, ah, they see them milling around. Most, you know, it was a gas station like a-

• 12:22H. Foley?

  It was a Love's.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  Nah, that was like a Sunoco A+ or something like that.

• 12:26H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  And they have that like, uh-

• 12:28H. Foley?

  I don't like Love's.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  They have that oval refrigerator. You know what I mean? They have like a wow, well, they have it all gas station.

• 12:35H. Foley?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  It's like open, there's no doors on it, it's stuff to keep like a little bit colder.

• 12:39H. Foley?

  It looks like the thing that they keep cake in at diners, except it doesn't have the doors.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Shh, okay. That was a very specific thing. It's like a car without the doors and a window and a refrigerator. Should've started doing a completely different thing, but we, um... I see them milling about, you know what I mean? I'm a little peckish at this point. They're looking, we're about four hours into the drive. They're looking, they're looking, they're talking, they're laughing. I go, they got their eye on something. They both grab, and I ain't never had it, they both grab those meat, cheese, and cracker Hillshire Farm salami packets.

• 13:10H. Foley?

  You never had those?

• 13:10Speaker 01

  I ain't never had one of them, and baby, I gotta tell you, I ain't never going back. That is fucking gummy bear, fucking Cheez-It. We were sitting in here, it was like, ah, I mean, phew, that was all frickin' right. It's like 310 calories too. Short of nitrites ain't good for ya, coming out your pores.

• 13:29H. Foley?

  All right, I have a confession to make.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 13:32H. Foley?

  So, you, what are you looking at Diesel? Cause you were grilling me this morning and I didn't know if you saw this or not when I came.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  We, listen, I'm done with the tracking you, you, you do you. I'm done with all of it. I'm putting my hands up in the air. Big man can big man, I'm done trying.

• 13:52H. Foley?

  Listen, I'm trying, alright? Yesterday, we had our egg bites in the car, right?

• 13:57Speaker 01

  Well, can I tell you this? Cause we were clocking it this morning.

• 14:00H. Foley?

  What?

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Cause Diesel went, he had egg bites and then a chicken Caesar wrap and that was it. And I go, I didn't like the big man.

• 14:08H. Foley?

  And then I smoked and I, but I didn't feel, I haven't been feeling well.

• 14:12H. Foley?

  My sleep's been fucked up, alright? Uh, I'm on noxone, anti-opioid, not that I'm on the junk, it's to keep me from.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Maybe you would, you'll lose a couple pounds, thin out. Let's get this, let's get this guy on some smack.

• 14:25H. Foley?

  Get in there and spike up.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  What's it called again?

• 14:28H. Foley?

  What?

• 14:29Speaker 03

  What's it called again?

• 14:29H. Foley?

  What's what called again?

• 14:30Speaker 03

  The drug that you're on?

• 14:32H. Foley?

  Meat and cheese.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Genoa salami.

• 14:36H. Foley?

  It's not Genoa.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Okay, sorry.

• 14:39H. Foley?

  Genoa. Um, I apologize.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  But did I, Jesus Christ, did I offend your family?

• 14:48H. Foley?

  Alright, so here's the deal, cause.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  I went down to the front desk after everybody went upstairs. I murdered, I murdered the attendant working the desk.

• 14:56H. Foley?

  I hate him.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  I just took her keys, I drove to her sheets. I had a cheeseburger with mozzarella sticks on it. I killed the guy behind that counter.

• 15:04H. Foley?

  I snuck up behind her and put a staple to the back of her head like it was a gun.

• 15:09H. Foley?

  Like he didn't Batman begin, power two. No, um. Had the egg bites, okay? Then had that wrap, which was delicious. I go with all Luke's, whatever Luke gets, I get.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then you do, you do sneaky eats.

• 15:27H. Foley?

  I didn't do sneaky eats. I tried to do sneaky eats. Let me tell you the fucking story, alright? So you guys had those meat and cheese plates?

• 15:35Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, don't act like, don't act like it was a charcuterie board.

• 15:39H. Foley?

  Well, that trick, that gets in my head when, you know, when I make a, I make a file of that.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  I think you, but do you do, oh, they ate and I didn't, then you make it up on the back end? Cause that's what I do.

• 15:49H. Foley?

  Sure.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, I didn't, I knew you guys had the meat, cause you have that ready. Anytime someone comments, oh, that's a, that's a, you know, maybe you shouldn't do the medium rare, uh, waffle. You go, you guys had those meat and cheese plates. I didn't have anything.

• 16:03H. Foley?

  Right. Also Diesel had the meatballs, which I really wanted at the, at the comedy club.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Really? You didn't make that known?

• 16:08H. Foley?

  Man.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  I thought you were gonna fucking hit him.

• 16:10H. Foley?

  Who the fuck thought at improv in Pittsburgh would be making homemade meatballs? What the hell are you doing to me? They look delicious. So I'm starving. I can't sleep. I go upstairs. I lay down. I almost pulled the trigger on a Hershey's almond bar and I didn't, right, Luke? I didn't. So I go upstairs, I lay down, I'm not feeling well. I fall asleep for like an hour. I don't know what it is. I can't fucking sleep at night now. And I'm sleeping all day. And I fucking fall asleep for an hour and I wake up and my tummy is a grumbling. Like, it, I'm hungry like summer camp hungry. Like, middle of the night, summer camp, haven't had dinner in a long time. I'm starving.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  I don't know what that, I mean, you did a good job describing it. But like, that's a, that is a deep cut. Only fat guys know.

• 16:55H. Foley?

  I'm hungry and there's no access to food, cause I had already taken my contacts and shit out and I was in my skivvies and I wasn't going downstairs.

• 17:03H. Foley?

  So.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  You wake up, think you're home, you go downstairs like that. You're in the little snack closet. How you doing? You're slapping your stomach.

• 17:11H. Foley?

  Hey, don't forget to leave the cat in.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Your ball sacks hanging out. Your ball sacks hanging out the blown out elastic band on your.

• 17:17H. Foley?

  Where's that turkey I left in here? Sir, please. There's a Japanese family standing there.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  You're in the break room looking, going through people's Tupperware and shit.

• 17:29H. Foley?

  Time to go work tomorrow.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 17:32H. Foley?

  Kimmy, this is Mint Mobile, baby.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Shout out to Mint Mobile.

• 17:35H. Foley?

  You know it, you love it. We're talking about Mint Mobile, gang. Why are you spending so much on your, uh, your phone bill? Huh? Why? Tell me why you're doing that. When you got Mint Mobile and you could be getting it for $15 a month when you sign up for three months? What are we doing here? Come on. There's no brick and mortar. They're passing the savings right on to you. You get to keep your number. Do yourself a favor. Get a. On Mint Mobile.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, say bye-bye to overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. All plans come with high-speed data or data, your choice. And unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. I ain't talking 1G, 2G, I'm talking 5G network. Take that to the bank. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with your existing contacts. It's easy-peasy. My wife's been using it for years. It's fantastic. I've been, way before this podcast was even accepted, bada bing bada boom, we been using it. Not only the client, I'm the player president, dog. No matter how you say data or data, don't overpay for it. Shop data plans at mintmobile.com/garbage, at mintmobile.com/garbage. Upfront

• 18:40Speaker 01

  payment for a $45, an upfront payment of $45 for a three-month 5GB plan is required, which is the equivalent of $15 a month, obviously. New customer offer for the first three months only, then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com for details.

• 18:56H. Foley?

  Gang, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is.

• 18:58H. Foley?

  As you know, Kevin and I have both started taking our mental health journeys.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:03H. Foley?

  Right?

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:05H. Foley?

  Psychopath.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Whoa, wait, yo.

• 19:07H. Foley?

  As you're looking at me with the thousand-yard stare, this guy needs double dose, huh? University level. Listen, gang, we wouldn't have started that journey if it wasn't for BetterHelp. If you've got something going on, whether it's big in your life, whether it's small in your life, maybe something from the childhood that's unresolved, or you're just trying to figure out a couple of things now, you can do it from the privacy you're on home. Reach out to BetterHelp, a match you with a licensed therapist, and talk it through, baby. We can't say enough about talk therapy, and we believe it will help you.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Yes. Mental health is no joking matter. But here at AYG, we will make light of it. That's what we do. That's how we handle our business. We're crazy. But all jokes aside, traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save and average it up to 50% per session. BetterHelp's all done. You pay a fat fee, flat fee for weekly sessions, saving big on costs and time. Therapy should feel accessible, and that's, the hardest part is it doesn't feel accessible, and with BetterHelp, it is accessible.

• 20:03H. Foley?

  Yes, it is.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  So visit, uh, your well-being is worth it, so visit betterhelp.com/garbage. You get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash garbage. Do it.

• 20:15H. Foley?

  Uh, I go on Uber Eats. I'm looking around.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 20:18H. Foley?

  I'm looking around. I'm starving.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  And I want to say thank you for sharing this with the group.

• 20:23H. Foley?

  Yeah?

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:24H. Foley?

  Fuck you.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  And your fucking salami back, so.

• 20:29H. Foley?

  So I'm looking around on there, and I know Luke knows this.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  This is like 2:00 in the morning in Pittsburgh at this point?

• 20:34H. Foley?

  It's probably like, no, you know what time it was?

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Man, they gotta get, they gotta pick that, you gotta order from a restaurant in New York, you want food at that time around here. That's gonna be a long delivery wait.

• 20:44H. Foley?

  Six hours.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  Woo, hey.

• 20:45H. Foley?

  So.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Better off going to the airport.

• 20:48H. Foley?

  It was 12:55 because I got to the room around 11:00. I fell asleep, I woke up at 12:15. I go on, uh, a little outfit called GoPuff.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 20:59H. Foley?

  Shout out to them.

• 21:00Speaker 01

  They'll deliver you beer, heaters, they'll go to like a 7-Eleven for you.

• 21:03H. Foley?

  And it also comes in a sealed bag, so nobody could do any snooping around. If anybody asked, I was just gonna say it was mouthwash or NyQuil because I couldn't fall asleep. So, I didn't, wasn't 100% sure what I got, so I'll tell you the exact order. All right? Not that I'm proud of it.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  I thought you said you didn't do anything.

• 21:19H. Foley?

  Just listen. I got a lunch-

• 21:22Speaker 01

  I can't get a read on this guy.

• 21:23H. Foley?

  I got a Lunchable.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:25H. Foley?

  And I got one of those Hillsire, they actually had the Hillsire, the ones.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Most places do.

• 21:30H. Foley?

  So I got one of those, I got a bag of Cheez-Its because there was a bag of Cheez-Its in here, that got registered in my brain.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  You look fat memento.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, like Kaiser Soze.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Everything you see, you eat later on that day.

• 21:41H. Foley?

  I have it written on my arm.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Jesus Christ.

• 21:45H. Foley?

  And I got a, a Great Powerade, never heard of a Great Powerade, but I got one.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 21:50H. Foley?

  It says-

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Because you were doing so much working out that day.

• 21:52H. Foley?

  It says 20 minutes. All right, 20 minutes.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  No way.

• 21:56H. Foley?

  20 minutes, it says.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Do you get, but you know that's not a real 20 minutes, right?

• 22:01H. Foley?

  A half an hour, I'll be okay. I had to eat-

• 22:03Speaker 01

  That's a 40 piece.

• 22:04H. Foley?

  Listen, I haven't been sleeping, I couldn't sleep.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  I understand.

• 22:06H. Foley?

  I had to eat something to go to fuck to sleep.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  I'm not judging, I'm just saying you know that that, a 20 minute at 1:00 a.m. in Pittsburgh ain't 20 minutes.

• 22:13H. Foley?

  I didn't, I, I, you know, I was thinking positively, I don't know.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  Sending out positive vibes in the world.

• 22:19H. Foley?

  Pittsburgh could've fucking turned me around, you know what I mean? Could've came through for me, which they fucking didn't. So, 20 minutes goes by, nothing. Now, GoPuff is a separate operation from Uber Eats. Usually on Uber Eats, you can track. You see the guy on the bike?

• 22:34Speaker 01

  The tracking's real bad on GoPuff.

• 22:36H. Foley?

  Bad?

• 22:36Speaker 01

  It's real bad. It's like a map from like, it's like made in like MS Paint. It's real bad.

• 22:41H. Foley?

  And when they ask you, "Is it there yet?", you know you're screwed. And if it's not there yet, push a button.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  Hey, we lost Barry. We don't know where the fuck he is.

• 22:49H. Foley?

  It's like, just wait a little longer.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  He's got your Lunchable and he disappeared.

• 22:52H. Foley?

  So, I fucking, I'm sitting there, I'm waiting, 20 minutes goes by, half hour goes by, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. So now I start calling downstairs. I'm like, "Hey..."

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Where the fuck is the salami at?

• 23:05H. Foley?

  I'm like, "Hey, did a, did a delivery guy come by?" And the lady was like, "No, they, they didn't." I'm like, "You sure?", they're like, "No, nobody's, nobody's even been here." I'm like, "All right." So I wait like another 20 minutes. I'm dying. I'm tossing and turning. I'm trying to fall back asleep. Half hour goes by, hour goes by, hour goes by. Fucking hour.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  And that's like two?

• 23:26H. Foley?

  I call, I call back down. It's ringing. No one's picking up downstairs.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, they disappear at like 2, 3 a.m. Those people are, they're getting fucked. They're sleeping. They're doing something.

• 23:36H. Foley?

  So, she finally answers, and I'm like, "Hey, did, no, you didn't see the delivery guy?", and I assume she knows it's me 'cause they can see on the thing. That there's, this guy we're in DEFCON 1 upstairs. Big guy needs something.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I think we were on the wrong rooms, 'cause I got keys, but the guy at the front desk gave me keys. And I opened the door and Tommy was in there pooping, so we all got, Luke got Sam's, we got keys to say, we were all fucked up.

• 24:00H. Foley?

  She was probably down to like, "This Jewish guy really wants the salami, huh?"

• 24:04Speaker 01

  I thought it was Pesel, but...

• 24:07H. Foley?

  So, nothing. So, I wait like two hours, and I'm just, I'm just watching Seinfeld, tossing and turning. I can't sleep. I probably called her like four times. And every time she's like, no, no one, no one is-

• 24:19Speaker 03

  Are you sure?

• 24:20H. Foley?

  No one has been here.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  I'm dying, baby.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  No, are you sure is funny. Like, maybe it slipped their minds?

• 24:25H. Foley?

  So I end up laying in bed until literally 5 o'clock, scroll, doom scrolling on Instagram, watching Seinfeld, not being able to sleep, tossing and turning. I was thinking about taking some, some sketch classes. That's what I was looking up. Sketch and improv classes. You told me I gotta, I gotta find a hobby.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  I did. That, that's a new game for the homies and bozos out there. Find H. Foley a hobby. Kid needs something to do with his time.

• 24:49H. Foley?

  Well, I have an idea what it could be. Salami hunter. Alright?

• 24:53Speaker 01

  You're fine to just shove it up your ass?

• 24:55Speaker 03

  Give me a suggestion. You're a fat guy waiting for salami at 3:00 in the morning.

• 24:59H. Foley?

  So, nothing. So I stay up until 5:00 and then I finally fall asleep and it's a bad sleep. So-

• 25:05Speaker 01

  And have your salami.

• 25:06H. Foley?

  So then I'm like, I know breakfast probably starts at like 6:00, down at the, down at the thing. So I'm like, if I can ride this out until 6:00, I can go down, get something to eat, come upstairs, get an hour or two of sleep. I fall asleep, I wake up at fucking 9:00. I call downstairs real quick. I'm like, hey, what time's breakfast in? She's like, 10:00. I'm like, alright.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  Has GoPuff been here?

• 25:28H. Foley?

  Hop in the shower, blah, blah, blah. I go downstairs and that's when I see you. But as I turn the corner, sitting at the, on the desk, on the front desk of the hotel-

• 25:39Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 25:40H. Foley?

  Is a GoPuff bag. And I walk over to it immediately and the new girl, who I think was the same girl- Cause her voice sounded real similar. She goes, is this your GoPuff? And I'm like, yeah, it is. And she's like, sorry about that. And I'm like, don't worry about it. I grabbed the bag and I turned to go throw it out real quick. Just throw, I just threw everything out.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  This all makes sense to me.

• 26:05H. Foley?

  Cause I, then I looked over and I saw fucking, this fucking Boy Scout up fucking writing at fucking 9:00 in the morning. And you made eye contact with me.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  And you were weird.

• 26:15H. Foley?

  I wasn't sure if-

• 26:16Speaker 01

  I, this all makes so much sense, dude. Cause I'm like, you came in and then you sat there and I'm like, anybody can't get vibes on the big man? He was real fucking short with me when I saw him. Dude, that was like when Donnie Brasco bumped into the guy at the motel during the coke deal. I was like, this guy's vibes are off.

• 26:34H. Foley?

  He's working under salami. Get out of here.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  That was, okay.

• 26:37H. Foley?

  I just stuffed the whole thing in the thing and then walked over to you like-

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Those are good road snacks, though.

• 26:42H. Foley?

  Well, I don't know. I figured they'd been sitting out all night.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  So you think the lady was fucking with you? Like, when do you think it came?

• 26:47H. Foley?

  So, then, you wanna talk about the, the Joe Pistone situation? You had your headphones on, you were sitting there writing, Rubenoff had not come down yet. So I go over to the fucking omelet station, little pre-made omelets, I'm starving.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Not an omelet station. They were pre-made microwave omelets. Omelet station.

• 27:05H. Foley?

  They were delicious.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Cheese and eggs, they were good.

• 27:07H. Foley?

  Oh, right? They were fantastic.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  I do like a bad, I do like a bad, uh, hotel breakfast. I like a bad egg.

• 27:13H. Foley?

  And I go over there, and I don't know where you are now. And all of a sudden, the girl comes walking up, and she's real loud. I'm like, literally, I'm, I'm loading up my plate.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  I got a GoPuff for fat ass?

• 27:24H. Foley?

  She goes, "Hey, you should, you should call them and cancel that." She's like, "My, uh, my, my girl overnight said that, that, uh, that they just left it outside." They left it outside.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  A ton of bugs get it.

• 27:39H. Foley?

  Yeah. Which makes me believe that this broad fucking knocked off at some point to go flick the bean or call her boyfriend or something like that.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:47H. Foley?

  And the fucking, and, and the GoPuff guy got there and couldn't get in the front of the building.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Couldn't get in.

• 27:52H. Foley?

  So he just left it outside.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  That makes sense, cuz as a GoPuff, as a delivery driver, you get right there. What do you, why, you're not going in an extra five feet, drop it off, make sure you get the good rating?

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Such a bad move, though, to put, to, to leave anything outside.

• 28:05H. Foley?

  Fucking scumbag move.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, you should never do that.

• 28:08H. Foley?

  I was checking the address, and then I had anxiety about, like, did they bring it up to one of your rooms by accident? And then I'm gonna fucking walk into that in the morning? That you were gonna fucking not say anything and wait till we got on camera and then fucking bang, and you were gonna pull out my great, uh, powerade and start fucking hitting me with it?

• 28:25Speaker 01

  Well, thank you for believing I'm, knowing I'm such a good broadcaster, that's what I would've done.

• 28:29H. Foley?

  Cuz I also got a box of Runts.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  I would've done a public trial, for sure. Would've hanged you in the public square, big dog. Throwing you in the rivers, see if you can swim.

• 28:38H. Foley?

  So that's my story.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  So you snuck the box of Runts in at the end?

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. I, Tommy, this ain't my first time talking, dealing with this.

• 28:45H. Foley?

  My question is-

• 28:46Speaker 03

  I needed some sugar. Was there anything else?

• 28:47Speaker 01

  If you think I thought it's just those four items, you're bonkos.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, what else?

• 28:52H. Foley?

  What else?

• 28:53Speaker 03

  Was there one more thing?

• 28:54Speaker 01

  Probably a dozen eggs.

• 28:57H. Foley?

  There was something else.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 28:59H. Foley?

  There was a box of peanut butter and jelly cookies.

• 29:03H. Foley?

  Because I thought if I got them, think of Uncrustables, I would eat the whole box.

• 29:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, you need a dessert.

• 29:06H. Foley?

  Because they have whole boxes of Uncrustables on GoPuff. Check it out, GoPuff.com backslash H Foley.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  You're doing your own brand deals.

• 29:15H. Foley?

  But I didn't get none of it, so it never happened.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Well, I'm, you know, listen, I'm, thank you for being honest. That, that shows, uh, that shows growth. I get it. I've been, I've been there as well. I have two ordered, uh, see with those things, you just kinda gotta get out in front of it.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Because you just gotta go, you text the group, "Hey, guys, I can't sleep. I'm putting in a GoPuff order. Anybody need anything?" That would have qualmed all of this.

• 29:39H. Foley?

  No, no, you, I would have been taking shit right now.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  I don't think so, because it's 2:00 in the morning, too. We're all going to bed.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:45Speaker 03

  We're not psychotic people.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  Or also just like, "I'm putting in a GoPuff order. I need Adv- or something. I need Midol. I need, uh, I need some Preparation H, something." And then, because then you're up all night torturing yourself. That ain't worth it. And buddy, I've done it. I've ordered, fuck, I've gone up to the room and ordered a whole bunch of McDonald's before. Low-key, you feel like you're smoking meth and that, you feel like that motel room painting. You're looking out the door, you're making sure no one's in the, no one's at the drop zone.

• 30:13H. Foley?

  I've done that a lot.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  I know you have.

• 30:16H. Foley?

  When I'm on the floor by myself, I get into bad things.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Maybe we should, me and you should start sharing rooms and I can keep you in line a little bit. Not that, but, not that I'm any fucking, then, you know.

• 30:26H. Foley?

  I was, I was.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Maybe we can split a, a 20-piece or something. Get some nuggets for the room. I ain't the...

• 30:32H. Foley?

  I was thinking we'd all get separate hotels.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  You stay in New York.

• 30:36H. Foley?

  So I can be left to my, then, then when I was ordering, I'm like, I'm a goddamn grown man.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  I've had this fight with myself, too. I'm like, dude, I'm like, I was like, I've been like worried to bump into like Luke or somebody in the lobby. I guess this motherfucker works for me. He can suck my dick. I don't care.

• 30:50H. Foley?

  But I did think, all the time that I'm, that I'm spending on thinking about this and sneaking around, all my energy's going to that. Because I'm preparing lies, I'm preparing defenses, I'm preparing, oh, you know, what they're gonna say, what I'm gonna say, all that kinda stuff.

• 31:05Speaker 03

  You need that, though? Because like on the Route 66 door, when you hid the poop, like, do you think that's just something you need in your life? To always be hiding something? Always be scheming?

• 31:15H. Foley?

  I don't think it's good.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  I don't think it's good either, but you are a, you know, every fiber of your being is a bit of a schemer, scammer.

• 31:22H. Foley?

  I've been doing it my whole life.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  I know.

• 31:24H. Foley?

  It's no good.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  It ain't good.

• 31:27H. Foley?

  I want to be free of it.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  I mean, this guy. Throwing seven different kinds of crazy today, big man. You're on it. And then you sat at a table at breakfast. I'm sitting there, you sit at a different table.

• 31:43H. Foley?

  Because you were sitting there writing and Rubenoff was sitting there. By the way, next time fucking I'm sitting eating, turn away from me.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Rubenoff?

• 31:51H. Foley?

  I look over and he's fucking sitting with his cardigan on.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  And he's got a notepad in his lap.

• 31:57H. Foley?

  You're sitting cross like it, like fucking Sigmund Freudstein, fucking analyzing every bite that I had.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  The North American fat ass.

• 32:04H. Foley?

  You were making direct eye contact with me as I was eating my omelet sandwich.

• 32:09Speaker 01

  My waffle omelet sandwich?

• 32:12H. Foley?

  I had two omelet waffle sandwiches. You take one piece of lightly toasted bread, a little bit of butter, a little bit of jelly. You slide one of those little mini omelets in there with the little sausage patty.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Uh, I saw Tommy had just a untoasted piece of white bread today. It looked like he was in jail. He sat down next to me with an untoasted piece of hotel white bread and was like dabbing up his egg juice.

• 32:37H. Foley?

  What are you, a beta fish?

• 32:39Speaker 03

  I've gotten 14 hours of sleep in the past two weeks.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Eating like a duck back there.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  I woke up.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  I'm about to throw a hand of seed at you.

• 32:48H. Foley?

  You're like, oh, Tommy's got a hook in his mouth?

• 32:53Speaker 03

  I woke up at 9:56. I put my sneakers on and I just ran down there and got whatever I could. Those, the people running that thing shut it down at 10, man.

• 33:02H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  I was taking sausages out of their hand. So I had to get what I could.

• 33:07H. Foley?

  I think they moved the toaster. I don't know why. I just always picture you sleeping with your shoes on.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Tommy's sleeping in jeans?

• 33:13Speaker 03

  I will say this, that piece of bread was delicious, though.

• 33:15H. Foley?

  You just had a piece of-

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Dude, he looked British. It was so weird.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  No, I had eggs.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  I couldn't get a rea- he sat down. I went, alright, man, maybe fatherhood does this to you. If you don't know, Tommy just had a baby.

• 33:25H. Foley?

  Tommy's eating eggies in a basket.

• 33:28Speaker 03

  What a blessing.

• 33:28H. Foley?

  Congratulations Tommy. Tommy's the new dad.

• 33:31Speaker 03

  What a time to be alive.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  Tommy!

• 33:33Speaker 03

  Love you, boy.

• 33:35Speaker 03

  But, uh, yeah, so I got an egg, the last sausage.

• 33:39H. Foley?

  You got, wait, did you have one of those hard boiled eggs?

• 33:41Speaker 03

  And a piece of bread. Nah, there weren't any hard boiled eggs when I got down there.

• 33:43H. Foley?

  Those things are disgusting.

• 33:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, the hotel ones are. I like them generally.

• 33:47Speaker 01

  What are they doing putting out hard boiled eggs?

• 33:49Speaker 03

  I like a hard boiled egg if it's done right.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  I don't touch them.

• 33:52H. Foley?

  That's, those things gotta be soaked in salt solution or something, some kind of preservative.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  You like a deviled egg? I love a deviled egg.

• 34:01H. Foley?

  Tommy, come on, what am I, a fucking asshole?

• 34:03Speaker 03

  Dude, deviled eggs on Easter too.

• 34:04H. Foley?

  Woo, wee, little Pat Breeka in there?

• 34:07Speaker 03

  Oh my goodness.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  I went to school with him, Pat Breeka.

• 34:09H. Foley?

  Good kid.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Shout out Patty Breeka.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, wow, that, I mean, what a, what a, I didn't know all that happened. You shouldn't be, you get out in front of it next time. Listen, cause we woke up anyway and being like, there's no way he just had that, so we know. You act like we, you, you think we don't know you.

• 34:28H. Foley?

  Here's the thing, I woke-

• 34:29Speaker 01

  We've been on the road together for five years at this point.

• 34:31H. Foley?

  I woke up feeling, or despite the sleep, it feels good to be hungry. It feels good to be empty. But I just, I haven't done it in so long like that, where I just couldn't go all the way through. If that makes sense. I couldn't make it through the night. I couldn't sleep.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Well, I think there's other issues going on.

• 34:50H. Foley?

  I wish I didn't have those fucking, the, the omelet sandwiches this morning. And I didn't know you were going to fucking the juice place. I didn't see the text in the group.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Which, here you go, we got your juice.

• 34:57H. Foley?

  It's too late. Now my stomach's all full with the egg sam- with the omelet sandwiches.

• 35:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you ate, you ate that way before I went to the juice place.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, before we decided the juice.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  I left for the juice place after that.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  Also, nobody made you make an omelet waffle sandwich, you lord ass. What are you talking about? You're yelling at us, you, this is what you do. You're now yelling at us that you didn't get a green juice and we had green juices because you made a waffle and omelet sandwich.

• 35:21H. Foley?

  I'd probably feel a little bit better right now if I didn't have the omelet waffle sandwich and I waited and got the green juice.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Hey, next time, don't eat the waffle and omelet sandwich.

• 35:29H. Foley?

  Well, tell the hands it in not to put out such a delicious pot.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  It's like talking to a six-year-old. It's, it's like, hey, little buddy, maybe next time, don't swallow the quarter, you know?

• 35:36Speaker 04

  The only reason you didn't-

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Don't put the fork in the outlet. And you don't learn. Keep zapping yourself. That's why you can't sleep, you got fucking 2:20 running through you.

• 35:45H. Foley?

  I remember doing that as a kid, not being able to control myself. I knew that I was gonna-

• 35:48Speaker 01

  You do it now!

• 35:49H. Foley?

  I was gonna shock myself and I would just do it anyway.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was, that was a big day when you learned how to lick the bad, the nine volt. Man, me and, I remember sitting on the couch for about two hours, just fucking zapping myself. Whaling away on my wiener at the same time.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  That's why I like it weird, gang.

• 36:07H. Foley?

  Kid likes the rough stuff, huh?

• 36:10Speaker 04

  Wait, what do you do? You lick a battery?

• 36:11Speaker 01

  You lick a battery and then shove your finger up your ass.

• 36:14H. Foley?

  Shock collar in a dead man's hand?

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, um, okay, well, you know, yeah, that's great. Let's just try to do better today.

• 36:25H. Foley?

  He's psychotic, what are you talking about?

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Let's just try to do better today, you know?

• 36:29H. Foley?

  I am psychotic.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  I know, I'm, hey, I'm well aware.

• 36:32H. Foley?

  I'm losing it!

• 36:34Speaker 01

  I'm not sure if these pills are working either. I'm, I'm hoping it's like things get better, things get worse before they get better. Cause right now you're in a free falling.

• 36:43H. Foley?

  In a dark place. In a dark place and it's all salami.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  You're like one of those fish that live in the dark with that big mouth.

• 36:51H. Foley?

  What, a little angler fish that has a little?

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Order, order an Uber Eats in the middle of the night.

• 36:55H. Foley?

  That's a little Christmas light right in front of him.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Can you, can you deliver us to 10,000 fathoms under the sea or whatever? 2,000 leagues under the sea.

• 37:04H. Foley?

  Right by the Mariana Trench.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Just leave it by the coral.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  The real villain in this story is the front desk attendant.

• 37:10H. Foley?

  Yes, it is.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  That ruined, you tried to be a fat ass and she ruined.

• 37:14H. Foley?

  Yes, it is.

• 37:15Speaker 03

  Because after the second or third time that your fat ass called her, she should've checked outside.

• 37:20H. Foley?

  Cause she knew she probably wasn't around.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:23H. Foley?

  She was probably in the break room sleeping or taking a dump or something like that.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  Which, by the way, the men and the women in Pittsburgh, that is a big city.

• 37:32H. Foley?

  What do you mean?

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Those are big body boys and girls walking around Pittsburgh. It's like a hillbilly.

• 37:38H. Foley?

  Sell the aluminum in the water.

• 37:39Speaker 01

  It's a hillbilly Philadelphia.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  Bunch of Richard Jewels walking around.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  I don't know who that is.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  You just had him on your podcast.

• 37:46H. Foley?

  We had the actor who portrayed Richard Jewell. Paul Walter Hauser, shout out to him.

• 37:51Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 37:52H. Foley?

  Got a new movie out right now, Luckiest Man in America.

• 37:55Speaker 04

  Great film.

• 37:55H. Foley?

  In theaters, check it out.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  Sam snuck in last week.

• 37:59H. Foley?

  You snuck in?

• 38:00Speaker 01

  It was Passover!

• 38:01Speaker 04

  I bought a ticket, what are you talking about?

• 38:04Speaker 01

  I don't pay for shit.

• 38:07H. Foley?

  Did you stink into the movie, Sam?

• 38:08Speaker 04

  No.

• 38:09H. Foley?

  You can't. As a director, you can't be... They'll kick you out of the director's guild.

• 38:15Speaker 04

  No, I always buy... I gotta support the theaters. IFC, baby.

• 38:20Speaker 04

  Anyway.

• 38:20H. Foley?

  Okay. I'll give it to you.

• 38:22Speaker 04

  So I don't think improv classes are gonna help you.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  You need something a little heavier. What a callback. Hey buddy, I don't think the yes/and bit's gonna fucking solve...

• 38:32Speaker 04

  You gotta go full Mysner, please.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  Whatever thing you got. Yeah, why don't you... You're an actor, right? You're an actor?

• 38:38H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Why don't you just do method actor of a guy who's not a crazy fucking...

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Big guy?

• 38:45H. Foley?

  Build a...

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Trying to clean it up.

• 38:47H. Foley?

  Build a project around it.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. Just say, "Hey, how... Listen..."

• 38:51H. Foley?

  Can I get some points on the back end?

• 38:52Speaker 01

  Sure. I'll pay ya every week, starting now.

• 38:56H. Foley?

  Listen, I got it. I'm turning over a new leaf.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Hopefully there's Gulp Off under there.

• 39:02H. Foley?

  Here's one of my favorites, Pretty Litter, baby.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Ooh, Pretty Litter.

• 39:05H. Foley?

  And it's not just my favorite, it's my kitty cat's favorite. This is for all you kitty cat fans out there, all you kitty mommies and daddies out there.

• 39:13Speaker 01

  Yikes.

• 39:13H. Foley?

  Not dumb dogs. Talking about nice, smart kitty cats. Beautiful little angels on this earth, alright? And if they got some stinky doo-dos and some pee-pees, do yourself a favor, go over to Pretty Litter, because it smells better than anything else on the market. And it also lets you know if there's something going on with the cat, if it's got a urinary tract infection, Pretty Litter lets you know. It's the crystals, baby. Crystals last up to a month. They're lightweight, you're not lugging some big thing up there. It smells great, it's less messy, it doesn't get everywhere. Telling you right now, it's the only kitty litter that my cat'll take a deuce in. Is Pretty Litter.

• 39:48Speaker 01

  I'll join him from time to time if you need me.

• 39:50H. Foley?

  Her.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  How you doing?

• 39:51H. Foley?

  Dare not.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Pretty Litter helps keep your house smelling fresh and clean. Try it, you're gonna love it. Go to prettylitter.com/garbage to save 20% off your first order and get a free cat toy. That's for the big man. That's prettylitter.com/garbage. Save 20% off your first order and get a free cat toy. Prettylitter.com/garbage. Terms and conditions apply. See the site for details, dad.

• 40:10H. Foley?

  Okay, let's talk about that Lucy good.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Ooh, shout out to Lucy.

• 40:14H. Foley?

  Love Lucy. Love the brill... Lucy products over there.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  They sent them all to us. They're nice folks over there at Lucy. I'm telling you, they keep the boys flush.

• 40:22H. Foley?

  Keep them here in the office, like to have one after recording, sit and relax, little fresh mint, little berry mint, something nice. Gang, always remember, Lucy, 100% pure nicotine, always tobacco-free. Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with a little extra surprise. Each pouch holds a capsule that can be broken open, Therese, a little flavor and a little what?

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Hydration.

• 40:45H. Foley?

  They're looking out for you over there at Lucy. Set yourself up with a subscription and have Lucy delivered straight to your door.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  Yes, uh, it's time to level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to lucy.co/garbage, use our promo code garbage, G-A-R-B-A-G-E. You get 20% off your first order. That ain't nothing to shake a stick at. 20% off your first order with the promo code garbage. Lucy has a, they're such good people over there. Lucy has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind. Again, one more time, get a pen, get a pencil. That's lucy.co. Use the code garbage, you get 20% off. Uh, and here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

• 41:30H. Foley?

  Back to the show. Back to the show.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  Okay, alright.

• 41:32Speaker 04

  From here to eternity.

• 41:34H. Foley?

  See, as we're talking about it, you were saying that he hadn't eaten.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, you, I mean.

• 41:39H. Foley?

  So that's why you asked, that's why Diesel asked me, he's looking at me in the mirror.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  No, he started it. He came up to me, I said, anybody get out.

• 41:45H. Foley?

  Listen, you fat fuck, do me a favor.

• 41:49H. Foley?

  You had three dinners last night. You had two bowls.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  Well, look who's counting.

• 41:53H. Foley?

  When we got our wraps. And then you had a fucking Chinese chicken salad, their words, not mine, and a fucking thing of meatballs.

• 42:01Speaker 04

  It's Asian chicken too.

• 42:02H. Foley?

  And then you, and then you're judging, then, then you're, you're kicking up dust for me? You're muckraking?

• 42:09Speaker 01

  Listen, I'd make the same.

• 42:11H. Foley?

  Trying to stir trouble up, trying to take the heat off you?

• 42:13Speaker 01

  I would make the same argument if I was the big man right now. I'd be also doing a little face throwing. And it's not fair that he's not Mike, but I also would do that as well, so he can't defend himself. Continue the trashing, my friend.

• 42:23H. Foley?

  Why didn't you say, hey, Foley did a great job yesterday? He only had that. Not, not, ah, this doesn't make sense.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  It was suspicious.

• 42:33H. Foley?

  Well, you should, as a fellow fat ass, you should know this.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Well, that's why we know it's suspicious, because we are fat asses.

• 42:40H. Foley?

  Why don't you just mind your own goddamn business? Worry about me. Work on your skit sketches, or whatever you're doing to support it.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, whatever you say, fucking Second City. Shut up.

• 42:50H. Foley?

  Shout out to Second City.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  What could be a hobby for you? Bird watching? You like bird watching, maybe?

• 42:56Speaker 04

  What about getting back into music?

• 42:57H. Foley?

  Talking about dudes?

• 42:58Speaker 04

  I'm already doing that.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, why don't you start, why don't you make a record or something, a demo?

• 43:01Speaker 04

  Singing lessons.

• 43:02Speaker 03

  Is there a bike?

• 43:03H. Foley?

  Singing lessons? What the fuck is this?

• 43:05Speaker 01

  They got food there.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  Ain't no fucking cured meats at the fucking choir. Why don't you join the choir?

• 43:13H. Foley?

  I know how to sing. Why don't I need singing lessons, Sam?

• 43:15Speaker 04

  I don't know, you need to be, yeah, you need to get on track.

• 43:18H. Foley?

  Luke, throw in the disguise. Bang!

• 43:22Speaker 01

  Luke, hit me.

• 43:23Speaker 03

  We're treating you like a 1940's actress on like a movie deal?

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:27H. Foley?

  What?

• 43:28Speaker 03

  You know, how they used to like have acting lessons, and singing lessons, and dancing lessons.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  I think it'd be great if you did something innate, maybe, you know... I don't know.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  Shouldn't it be something involving exercising? Like, can we make a bike that would fit you? Like, could you get a bike?

• 43:43Speaker 01

  There's just a car.

• 43:45H. Foley?

  You're in it. And you're just being hurtful.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  Me?

• 43:49H. Foley?

  Tom.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  I'm trying to be helpful.

• 43:51H. Foley?

  No, Tom is.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  I'm talking about a hobby that would make you less fat. Kill two birds with one stone.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  I, listen.

• 43:58Speaker 03

  Like bicycling.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Exercise aside, I think you need some, I think you need a place to put your... You know. We have, we work a lot. We do a lot of comedy, we do a lot of touring, we do a lot of spots in the city, a lot of podcasts. That is our life. I think you need something else to, to, to put your focus on sometimes. That's all I'm saying. I also try to, I, I struggle with it. I'm, I try to find stuff to do.

• 44:21H. Foley?

  So I was, that's why I was looking up, maybe taking a, taking a sketch class.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  I would say something else.

• 44:26H. Foley?

  Or doing a scene study class.

• 44:27Speaker 01

  I would say.

• 44:28Speaker 04

  Scene study would be good.

• 44:28H. Foley?

  Getting around like-minded people.

• 44:32Speaker 01

  Actual artists. Hey, we both tried to eat salami yesterday. We are like-minded people, big guy.

• 44:36H. Foley?

  Fair enough.

• 44:37Speaker 01

  Um, I know, I'd say something outside of the arts.

• 44:41Speaker 04

  Get outside. Or outside of performance.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, yeah, no, no, act, that's, that's work.

• 44:45Speaker 04

  What about like, painting or photography?

• 44:48Speaker 01

  Hey, sip and paint, zip it. If I want to go hang out with a bunch of drunk whores, I'll go to the village on the weekend.

• 44:57H. Foley?

  Sippin' paint.

• 44:58Speaker 03

  Horticulture? I don't fucking know. Um, do you like birds?

• 45:02Speaker 01

  I like sucking them.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  Hey, dad.

• 45:07H. Foley?

  I have a wife.

• 45:09Speaker 03

  Remember we played ten- we got those tennis passes last summer?

• 45:11H. Foley?

  Yeah, you fucking bitched the whole time. And fucking, I tried to get a volley going, and every ti- this is what a dirtbag he is. He can't control himself. He has to spike it.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Talking from GoPuff at 2am.

• 45:23H. Foley?

  He has to spike the ball really hard.

• 45:25Speaker 03

  That's not true. We're both really bad at tennis.

• 45:27H. Foley?

  No, Tommy.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  The truth is, we're both really bad at tennis.

• 45:30H. Foley?

  You are the most unathletic human being. I've met crutches that were more athletic than you.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  I don't know. I just watched you try to golf a month ago. That was the saddest thing I've ever seen. And you do all-

• 45:40H. Foley?

  That's a leisure sport. Put the pads on, cue ball. Tommy, it's not even about that.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  You just made it about that.

• 45:48H. Foley?

  We go out to the tennis courts, it's Tommy brought it up, and I'm like, "Just hit the ball back and forth really nice." And he's fucking spiking it, like my fucking stepson.

• 45:58H. Foley?

  Yes, I could.

• 45:59Speaker 01

  He's in the back, you fat piece of shit. He's beaming you.

• 46:04Speaker 03

  That's not true. We're both really bad at tennis.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  Growing up, our one buddy, his dad was this big, fat, tall, like just huge tall guy, right? Big, tall. He must have been like 6'6", fucking 350, just a big, big man. And his dad came in, he was one of the kids that would just tell his dad to shut the fuck up.

• 46:24Speaker 03

  Crazy.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  Bad ass fu- badass group of kids. And his dad came out and he's like, "You-" we were across the street and he came out, he's like, "Fucking, you go upstairs, you clean your room, you don't talk back to your mom." He's screaming, his face is turning red, and the kid's like, fucking, not moving and he just does not give a fuck. And he's got a tennis ball in his hand. And the dad turns, like, really gave him a fucking rash in his shit, turns around, the kid goes, "Watch this", and fucking pegs him right square in the back with the tennis. He goes, "Ah!"

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Dude, he fucking made like, the cartoon tennis ball sound. It was like he got shot, dude. His arms went up, he screamed, right after trying to be like the toughest guy in the world.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  Did he hit him after or anything?

• 47:11Speaker 01

  No, he never did. That kid ain't doing great.

• 47:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's why that kid was like that.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, yeah.

• 47:16H. Foley?

  I don't know if I ever told you this, but, uh-

• 47:18Speaker 01

  I got GoPuff last night.

• 47:22H. Foley?

  My one, uh, my one Korean buddy in, uh, in high school, alright, his parents worked all the time, so they were never around. They both worked crazy.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:31H. Foley?

  Busting their ass. They-

• 47:33Speaker 01

  As Korean immigrants tend to do.

• 47:35H. Foley?

  They were, they were first generation. They had just gotten here. Um, the import exporting they were doing. So we never really saw, we never really made that-

• 47:42Speaker 01

  North or south?

• 47:43H. Foley?

  I believe south. Or maybe north to get the hell out of there, I don't know. But made a nice life for himself. Did very well. Nice house, all that stuff. So they were never really around, so we never really made a connection with them. And they ain't speak any English. So, we, uh, they, and they had two refrigerators. They had a regular refrigerator and they had a Korean refrigerator with all the good stuff in it, in the, in the, in the kitchen. So, this is senior year in high school, there's like a snowstorm or something like that. We all take acid. It's like a Wednesday night, and we're over at, uh, we're over at his house. His parents are upstairs sleeping, and we're downstairs. So we decide to open up the, uh-

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Korean fridge.

• 48:22H. Foley?

  Yes. And we start dying laughing.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  That's, I mean dude, for a high school kid, a high school kid, a fucked up high school kid opened up a Korean refrigerator, I would laugh now.

• 48:32H. Foley?

  The craziest shit.

• 48:34Speaker 01

  I'd have to be asked to leave.

• 48:34H. Foley?

  Like if I looked at it now, I might be able to identify some stuff, like a little cow b or something like that. But it was all like, it was like whole fish, like in bags and all that kinda stuff.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Like a duck hanging or anything like that?

• 48:45H. Foley?

  All kinds of crazy Korean stuff, right? And we're, we're literally, we're passing it around, we're standing in the kitchen dying fucking laughing. And all of a sudden we turn, and the light goes on, and it's his dad and his little baby sister standing there. She's like rubbing her eyes, and he's standing there in like the 1950 pajamas. You know what I mean?

• 49:05Speaker 01

  He's got the candle and everything. Bayonet.

• 49:09H. Foley?

  And he just goes, he, he, in, in broken English, he goes, "Go home, please. You guys gotta get out of here." And we all turn and we look at him, and I was holding like a bag of octopus, and when he said-

• 49:21Speaker 01

  It sucks on your face.

• 49:24H. Foley?

  And when he said that, I threw it to my one buddy and we all started dying laughing in this guy's face.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  I would've kicked your fucking ass. Dude, your Korean boy got beat the fuck up after you guys. He got fucking.

• 49:36H. Foley?

  He got the shoe, definitely.

• 49:38Speaker 01

  He got all the beatings they wanted to give you guys.

• 49:41H. Foley?

  I mean, we just laughed in this guy's face for about a minute and a half and then just fucking walked out the garage door.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  That's a fucking tough one, dude. We had a, I've said this before, but we had a... My brother's school had a kid from Iceland in, Donny. And he like stayed with different families for like a week or so at a time.

• 50:02H. Foley?

  That's a narc in my school.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's fucking 32. He's got a mustache in 10th grade.

• 50:08H. Foley?

  I never understood that, man.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  What? It was like a soccer program because they were on a pretty good soccer team. So it was like, he comes over. I don't really know.

• 50:16H. Foley?

  But the whole foreign exchange, did we do that the other way?

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, high school kids? I don't know. Not like college, like study abroad.

• 50:25H. Foley?

  Yeah, we had a couple foreign exchanges.

• 50:25Speaker 01

  Who the fuck wants to go to Iceland for high school? Fuck that, dude.

• 50:29H. Foley?

  That's something I can see Tommy doing. Just to get a hot meal in him.

• 50:34H. Foley?

  And a warm bed.

• 50:36H. Foley?

  Stop getting cigarettes put out on him for a couple of weeks.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  All the classes are in saunas or whatever.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Sauna, um... I, uh, and dude, so he got passed around from like family to family for like a week or so at a time. And, um, we got him from this like fucking northeast Philly family. The one, the mom.

• 51:00H. Foley?

  Where's he from again? I'm sorry.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  He was from Iceland.

• 51:03H. Foley?

  Okay. Do you know where that is, Tom?

• 51:06H. Foley?

  Excuse me?

• 51:07Speaker 01

  It's where they make snow cones.

• 51:09H. Foley?

  It's in the back of the Wawa.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  It's the walk-in. That's where they keep the milk. Um... So like, I remember she was dropping him, so the mom came, drove to my mom's house, was dropping him off with his stuff and he, you know, now you got a bunch of-

• 51:24H. Foley?

  He stayed at your house?

• 51:25Speaker 01

  He stayed at our house for a couple of day, a two or three day, I told you this. They got him all fucked up on weed and booze and he puked all over my sister's bed. I told you this. He woke me up in the mid, like fucking 6 a.m. He's like, "I had an accident." And I thought, I thought he peed, so I'm like, "Aight, man, it's okay."

• 51:42H. Foley?

  How old were you?

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Oh, I was... If they're, if they're sixteen, seventeen, I'm eleven, twelve-

• 51:50H. Foley?

  Why didn't you wake your brother up?

• 51:51Speaker 01

  I don't know, he was fucked up. They were up drinking and smoking all fucking night. Let the kids sleep it off, you know what I mean? Also, you know my brother, do you wanna wake me up or him up if you've-

• 52:03H. Foley?

  Was your sister, was your sister sleeping in the bed?

• 52:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 52:06H. Foley?

  Oh, where was she?

• 52:07Speaker 01

  In college, probably. So we had a spare room, so we were gonna move him in, and it was a pink room, everything was pink, the comforter was pink. He puked all over the fucking room, dude.

• 52:19H. Foley?

  Did the police find out?

• 52:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, so then we go, "Aight, shower," I go, "Just shower, we'll figure this out." And then he gets in the shower and doesn't put the, I told you, doesn't put the shower curtain on the inside of the tub.

• 52:31H. Foley?

  Ooh, that'll get ya.

• 52:32Speaker 01

  So he's in there for like twenty minutes, probably, you know, fucking cleaning the, the puke out of his hair.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  He's destroying your house.

• 52:38Speaker 01

  And dude-

• 52:39H. Foley?

  Probably wailing on his herring in there.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Giving the old sea bass a slap.

• 52:47H. Foley?

  Doing a little pickling.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  He, dude, so it starts leaking, and my mom's like-

• 52:55H. Foley?

  I was puking on my he's.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  Remember Big Jay?

• 53:00H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  He was doing crowd work with two people from Norway, anyway. She was-

• 53:04H. Foley?

  She was suking our dukes.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  She was suking our dukes. And then duking coom.

• 53:10H. Foley?

  We didn't even know him then.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  I know, this is, we had just moved to New York and he was doing-

• 53:14H. Foley?

  It was at Stand Up New York on the Upper West Side.

• 53:17Speaker 01

  These two chicks were suking our dukes.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Shout out fucking Jason Okerson.

• 53:25H. Foley?

  New special out.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  Well, funny, my, hands down, my funniest guy, I mean, the funniest guy.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  Did you guys have nosebleeds, growing up?

• 53:36H. Foley?

  What the fuck?

• 53:38Speaker 03

  Did your nose bleed when you were growing up?

• 53:40H. Foley?

  Ryan, pull the van over, will ya?

• 53:41Speaker 01

  Hey, phenomenon zipping, will ya? No powder, I think powder.

• 53:46H. Foley?

  Fucking powdered donuts over here.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Fucking Green Mile, mouthful of bees.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Cause I slept in my buddy's-

• 53:52H. Foley?

  Dog tired, here, genie. Dog tired.

• 53:58H. Foley?

  Now we didn't have fucking nosebleeds, we got way in high school.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Too busy getting pussy.

• 54:04H. Foley?

  Christ, you fucking limp noodle.

• 54:06Speaker 03

  I had nosebleeds, so sometimes-

• 54:10H. Foley?

  Probably from playing the clarinet or whatever you were doing. Are you kidding me?

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Nosebleeds.

• 54:15Speaker 03

  My nose bled up until like-

• 54:17Speaker 01

  Probably from the radon leaking that dump you grew up in.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  Up until like I graduated high school.

• 54:21H. Foley?

  All that carbon monoxide, you look at your eyeballs were dry.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  Cause it was up until I graduated high school.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Probably got black lung in fourth grade.

• 54:30H. Foley?

  They gotta keep a canary in his room?

• 54:32Speaker 01

  He's got toilet paper in his nose.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  I used to sleepwalk a lot, too.

• 54:37H. Foley?

  Sounds like a fun guy.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, what the fuck? You're making fun of this fat idiot.

• 54:42H. Foley?

  Sleepwalking with a nosebleed. Hey, Rosemary's baby, shut up.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  But, hold on, so this mom came over, this mom came over to drop Donny off. And he's, and she goes, "My mom-" First of all, none of these people, all from Philadelphia, have ever met a guy from Iceland.

• 54:59H. Foley?

  Sure.

• 54:59Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Let alone a teenager figuring this out.

• 55:02H. Foley?

  He might as well be from fucking Saturn.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  Gleep glorp.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  This North Philly, this Northeast Philly, like, stereotypical Northeast Philly guy. My mom goes, "Anything I need to know about Donny?" She goes, "He eats some weird fucking food."

• 55:28Speaker 01

  My mom goes, "Who do you mean?"

• 55:30H. Foley?

  He's like Alf, eating like-

• 55:32Speaker 01

  Eating a lot of tuna fish.

• 55:35Speaker 03

  He eats the cat?

• 55:36Speaker 01

  He eats the cat!

• 55:40H. Foley?

  He eats a lot of weird fucking food.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  I'm just like, what?

• 55:55Speaker 01

  She goes, "I don't know, he had some wrapped up in tin foil. I think he was a gate's head."

• 56:03Speaker 01

  "He thought he was traveling with a goat's head." Wrapped in tin foil. He flew. She thinks he got on a commercial flight with a goat's head. "I don't know. I think it was a goat's head."

• 56:20H. Foley?

  Tommy, why'd you have nosebleeds?

• 56:24Speaker 03

  What do you mean, why? I mean, it's-

• 56:26Speaker 01

  That's a medical question, Tommy. That's not like-

• 56:29H. Foley?

  You told me you had nosebleeds for most of your young adult life.

• 56:31Speaker 03

  Well, I mentioned it because we were talking about sleepover things. So I slept at my buddy Matt Parrish's house one night. And I woke up-

• 56:38Speaker 01

  I'm sure he wants this out there.

• 56:40Speaker 03

  And I woke up in the middle of the night and the pillow was covered in blood. And it was his pillow.

• 56:46Speaker 01

  That's the beginning of a horror movie, Tommy.

• 56:48H. Foley?

  It's probably him trying to smother you.

• 56:49Speaker 03

  So I went out-

• 56:50Speaker 01

  So there I am levitating.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  And Matt wakes up, looks over, Tommy's floating, laying down. "You wanna fuck me?"

• 57:02Speaker 03

  So I took the pillow out to my blazer and hid it.

• 57:06H. Foley?

  Wait, what? Your blazer?

• 57:07Speaker 03

  My Chevy blazer.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  Wait, you were driving it?

• 57:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  I thought you were like nine years old, dude.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was like seventeen.

• 57:13Speaker 01

  Holy shit. Why'd you- why- you should've just drove away. Why'd you-

• 57:16Speaker 03

  So then I-

• 57:17Speaker 01

  Would you just go back in for breakfast after that?

• 57:20Speaker 03

  But then I felt-

• 57:21Speaker 01

  You know, I could get a couple more hours.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  Somehow they found out.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, no shit.

• 57:25Speaker 03

  And then his mom was like, "No, it's okay. Chief bleeds on the pillows all the time." That was his older brother, Chief. He also had nosebleeds.

• 57:32H. Foley?

  He had an older brother named Chief?

• 57:34Speaker 03

  Matt, Matt's brother did. I guess that was his nickname.

• 57:36H. Foley?

  Man.

• 57:37Speaker 03

  But yeah.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Yes, who knows? Who knows your part of town?

• 57:40Speaker 03

  Um, but yeah.

• 57:41Speaker 01

  Oh, God, that's so fucking funny.

• 57:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Me and my nose bled a lot.

• 57:47Speaker 01

  I, I, I get them in the, I get them in that, in that, uh, New York. I, I get them seasonally, probably. One or two a year, maybe. Plus, I do a lot of digging up there at certain times of the year, certain times of the year.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:58H. Foley?

  Catch a bad bag every once in a while.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  They dry out in the New York City apartments. And when I first moved to New York, I was sleeping on my buddy's, uh, floor. And I, this is when I was like real fat, too. I woke up, I had a nosebleed. Typically, if I get them at night, in the, in the winter, with that heat, you wake up kinda right away. You feel it dripping. I didn't wake up at one time, dude. I, I woke up, my face and hair were covered. I looked like Pesci at the end of Casino when they'd throw him in the cornfield. Dude, I was fu- I got, and I didn't really know. Like, I thought like, ah, my god, what a- and dude, I turned the light on in the bathroom, fucking Bloody Mary. Tasting pennies in shit.

• 58:42H. Foley?

  I never understood it. It was always the weird kid that got a nosebleed in class.

• 58:45Speaker 03

  Gotta cock your head back real quick. Also, yeah, you'll just be talking to a chick and your nose will start bleeding.

• 58:49H. Foley?

  What the fuck?

• 58:51Speaker 01

  That's crazy, dude.

• 58:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know. It just stopped eventually, you know?

• 58:56Speaker 01

  That shouldn't be happening.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  Maybe that's why you're so stupid.

• 59:02Speaker 03

  Hey, stick to the camera, dickhead.

• 59:05Speaker 01

  Fucking looking the zingers in.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  I was gonna do a voiceover later. Um, but yeah.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  I haven't laughed like that in a while. It was fucking good. Um, but yeah.

• 59:15Speaker 03

  Henry, you never got a bloody nose? Like, your nose never started bleeding?

• 59:18Speaker 01

  No. What?

• 59:19Speaker 03

  That's not that crazy of a question.

• 59:21H. Foley?

  That's weird kid shit. Never got anything like that.

• 59:24Speaker 03

  Do you ever, oh, you know it's a funny look too?

• 59:26H. Foley?

  I poisoned ivy a lot.

• 59:27Speaker 03

  You know what I used to do too?

• 59:28H. Foley?

  Warts, I got warts. Jock itch.

• 59:30Speaker 01

  Webbed feet.

• 59:31Speaker 03

  You know what's a tough look? When your nose is bleeding too? You put a little bit of tissue in your nose.

• 59:35Speaker 01

  Hey, this isn't, this isn't loser hour, Tommy. There's fucking chicks that listen to this thing.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  When you just got the, you got a little tampon in your nose?

• 59:44H. Foley?

  You know, when you're 16 and your testicle still hasn't dropped? And all the kids are making fun of you in gym class, calling you one ball nosebleeder?

• 59:51Speaker 03

  We only had gym in 9th grade.

• 59:53Speaker 01

  You only had gym in 9th grade?

• 59:55Speaker 03

  I believe so, yeah.

• 59:56Speaker 01

  Did you go to school in a trailer?

• 59:56Speaker 03

  Archbishop John Carroll, they, they knocked it out in 9th grade.

• 59:59H. Foley?

  Wait, you, wait, you didn't have gym-

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  All of your gym class was in 9th grade?

• 1:00:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, in, in high school, yeah.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  So you didn't have gym in 11th grade?

• 1:00:05Speaker 03

  I didn't have it in 10th, 11th, or 12th. Is this why you're bad at tennis?

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  Were you in all normal classes, Tommy? Or did some of your classes have two teachers?

• 1:00:13Speaker 03

  No, I was in all normal classes and I did poorly.

• 1:00:15H. Foley?

  One to hold his head back for the nosebleeds.

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  Uh-huh. But no, yeah, yeah, I don't know. They, yeah, they only had, uh, gym in 9th grade at Archbishop Carroll. It's a good school, too.

• 1:00:26Speaker 01

  And Tommy, what'd you get on the SATs?

• 1:00:29Speaker 03

  Uh, 1140?

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:00:31H. Foley?

  Pretty good.

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  Not too shabby.

• 1:00:33Speaker 03

  I think 1130. I juiced the numbers a little.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Eleven thirty, eleven forty. You ain't lying, you ain't trying, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think we gotta wrap it up, baby. We're about an hour outside of Cleveland. Little Kipperino's gotta take a tinky, tinky.

• 1:00:46H. Foley?

  Tommy got his period in his nose.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:51H. Foley?

  Gang, we love ya. See ya back at Tooties. Peace.