A Tiger Almost Ate Bert's Daughter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Join our next 2 Bears 5K on April 10th in Nashville, Tennessee! Register over at https://2Bears5K.com SPONSORS: Peak season doesn't wait, and neither should you. Get ahead of it today with ShipStation, and get sixty days free at https://shipstation.com/cave Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trustpilot rating as of 6/1/2025. Start your free online visit today at http://hims.com/bears for personalized care-from hair to ED to weight loss and more. Start learning a new language TODAY with Babbel. Right now listeners can save up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from Austin and New York. Bert lays out his plan to spend 24 hours with Mark Wahlberg alongside Rob Lowe, from 3 a.m. prayer to sleeping in Wahlberg's daughter's bedroom. Then Bert says his new hour finally clicked in Philadelphia, and the guys pull up the People magazine exclusive about his couples therapy with LeeAnn that Bert doesn't remember giving. From there, Bert tries to Google a photo of himself with Dolly Parton to prove to his daughters he really met her, and instantly regrets it. The Bears also get into Bert's bench press push-up challenge, getting drunk for the first time in nine months on Por Osos, and why LeeAnn keeps asking when he'll retire. Plus: why Tim Dillon is the funniest guy alive, Bill Burr in The Social Reckoning, Tom making the case for Tom Cruise's Digger, comedy as a belly flop contest, why you never turn your back on a tiger, and Bert's plan to keep a pygmy hippo at home. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 345 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:11:07 - Bert's People Magazine Exclusive & The Dolly Parton Photo 00:17:14 - The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge 00:25:11 - Bert Got Drunk & LeeAnn Asks About Retirement 00:33:39 - Bill Burr's Social Reckoning & Why Digger Bombed 00:39:16 - Why Comedies Stopped Working & The Belly Flop Contest 00:44:57 - Never Turn Your Back On A Tiger 00:49:44 - Bert Wants A Pet Pygmy Hippo & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  All right, guys, we have a huge announcement. You know that every year for the last several years, we have been doing a 5K and it's been a great thing where it brings people together from all fitness levels, from all types of backgrounds to just become a community. And whether you walk, run, jog, crawl, the 5K has been growing and we are here to announce the next one. It is going to take place in Nashville, Tennessee on

• 0:27Speaker 01

  April 10th.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Correct.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  And we are taking to the next level. We are bringing out all the country stars, all the football players, all the, we are gonna be the biggest thing in Nashville since the thing that put it on the map.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  There you go. It will be the biggest 5K yet by a country mile. So make sure you get tickets at twobears5k.com. That's the number two, the word bears, the number five, the letter K, dot com. It's going to going down, April 10th in Nashville, Tennessee. Get tickets and I promise you, you're gonna be blown away by just look like the welcoming, the friendliness. If you have not done this yet, you are missing out. Those who have, you know how fun it is to get together. This will be our biggest one yet.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  And I'm telling you right now, we will lean into every country music star that we know, that we have a connection with, and we will have them playing onstage acoustically, and we're gonna have a blast.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  It's gonna be nuts. Make sure you get tickets. We love you. See you there.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Hundred percent.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Hey, guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm in New York, Tom's in Austin. This is gonna happen from time to time because Tom's got his preposterous tour starting in January, and I am on my Permission to Party World Tour currently. I'll be in Texas in a couple of weeks, Tom, so we'll be doing one together in a couple of weeks.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  Will we?

• 1:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm, I go, I go from here to London. I'm in New York right now. I go to London to go see the Jaguars game. I then go to Vegas to work out with Mark Wahlberg, and then I go, and then I go, I know, I'm so fucking excited. Well, we talked about it on Two Bears with Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe and I were like, we wanted to work out with him, spend 24 hours a day with him. And so we're going to his house.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  So you're gonna do like the 4:00 AM wake up or whatever he does?

• 2:15Speaker 01

  Tom, we start at 3:00 AM for prayer.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  You're gonna start at 3:00 AM with him?

• 2:21Speaker 01

  One hour of prayer.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  I'm assuming you're gonna work out at like his private gym?

• 2:25Speaker 01

  At his house. I'm sleeping in his daughter's bedroom.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  What?

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. Rob and I are sleeping in his daughter's bedroom.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  So it's like camp?

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then, and then, I mean, listen, I'm, we said it, we did it, Rob Lowe and I did a podcast about it, and we talked about it. We were like, I wanna experience it all. Like, I wanna get up and have coffee with him, and I wanna do the whole thing. And so we're gonna go to bed at 7 o'clock at his house, and then wake up at 3:00. We're gonna get prayed up with him, and then we're gonna work out.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  How are you gonna fall asleep at 7:00? I'm assuming you're gonna take something?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, you're not passing out. You're not like, oh, bedtime.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  You think I'm gonna lay in his daughter's bed with my fingers crossed, just counting sheep?

• 3:10Speaker 00

  Good night.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  I will be the first person to take drugs in his house, I think.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, be like, hey, Mark, do you have any fucking Ambien?

• 3:19Speaker 01

  I have to, I mean, I, I don't, he doesn't drink. So, uh, so I'm like,

• 3:26Speaker 00

  That adds up.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's not a drinker. He has a vodka and he'll have, or he has a tequila, he'll have a drink, but he's not a drinker. He's, uh, I've watched a bunch of his 4:00 AM club videos. He's, he's pretty, he's a pretty serious guy, like,

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Well, he's disciplined.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  He's disciplined. He's, he's like, if Joe had never gotten into comedy.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  You know, like, there's a part of Joe that's silly, and I think there's, I know for a fact, the first time I met him, he was funny and he was cool. He came up and he was like, hey, it's my favorite action star. And I was like, yeah. And then he was kind of busting my balls. He's like, can you believe, action stars look like this now?

• 4:05Speaker 00

  He's like, we used to be really fit.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. And so, and so, uh, I told him, Rob and I said, we want him to wake us up like Dirk Diggler. I got the big dick, let's go. Come on, I'm fucking, I'm ready to fuck, Jack. I'm so excited, Tom, I'm so excited.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  So they, well, you'll do the prayer, you'll work out, and then just like go with him for the day?

• 4:26Speaker 01

  I, I think. I mean,

• 4:28Speaker 00

  I bet he runs calls all, I bet it's a very busy day.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  I think we're probably in and out. I think we'll go in, do the workout. I think we wanted to play golf. I think maybe just Rob and I'll go play golf.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Or I'll just go back to sleep.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  You'll be fucking tired, bro.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  You're gonna be tired. That's fun.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  It's hard, it's hard because I, I don't like, I can be a lot, and I don't wanna be a lot in his space.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Maybe you'll visit the crystal shops or something?

• 4:55Speaker 01

  I love crystals.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  So congratulations on wrapping on your movie.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Thanks, man. I'm very, very, it was really fun. Honestly, it was such a fun time. The cast was so fucking great, dude. Heather Graham, Stamos, Ralph Macchio, Santino, Tim Simons, Cinquale Walls. It was fucking so cool. We had a great time. It was really hard work. I mean, it was a lot to do in that amount of time, but I'm, I'm very excited for it. It was really fun. I'm also excited for my beard to grow back.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Did, did you have a goatee right now? I can barely see you.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  No, it's still the chin strap.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Ooh, I just saw it.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  I know.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Wow. And they must have dyed up that mustache a little bit.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  First thing I did was sit in the, in the hair chair, and I was like, take it off, dude.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Why?

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Why?

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Do you know Mark Norman got hair transplants?

• 5:49Speaker 00

  I did not know that.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  I'm running this, I'm at, I do not know. I do not know. I should

• 5:55Speaker 00

  It's a really burnt move. Yeah, let me tell you someone's secret.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Text him. Text him right now and be like, do people know this? Cause I just said it on a podcast.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  I'm at his studio where him and Sam do, We Might Be Drunk.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  And, uh, so they'll, they're, they're gonna let me know. They're listening. They're gonna be like, no one knows about that. So if we, we edit it out if we don't, but sure. I love the, I, when I, I remember hearing Gillis one time say to someone, they were like, I'm thinking about getting transplant, hair transplants. And Gillis goes, or you could just be funny.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Dude, if I push dates, can I just open for you on the Preposterous World Tour?

• 6:39Speaker 00

  What do you mean? You're on tour.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  I know, but I'll just push them.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  You'll push your dates?

• 6:43Speaker 01

  I'm, dude, my hour right now is so perfect. I figured it out. Like, I figured, you know when you, you know when you like have a bunch of stuff, and then it all falls into a thing? So now I'm just gonna put it in the pin in it and work on new stuff and hope I can get another good bit.

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Really?

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I'm, I had the best two shows of my life in Philadelphia.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Wow, of your life.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  I mean, legit. You know what it's like, you know what it is, Tommy? You know when you have like, you have a ton of material, like an hour 15, and you know it kinda all has some themes and it all goes together, but you can't figure out?

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  Like, it just seems real staccato. And then Philly, I

• 7:24Speaker 00

  It all came together.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  It, dude, the first 30 minutes was perfect, and I went, oh my God. Like, it's like the greatest feeling in the world. It's the reason I do stand up. The reason I do stand up isn't, it's more the math of figuring out the way that

• 7:36Speaker 00

  It's the best feeling.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  It's the best feeling in the world. And then I was like, well, that was a one off. I looked at the setlist. I went and did Saturday Night in Philly, and then I did it again. And I went, shut the fuck up. And, and now I'm in the place where I'm playing with it.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Are you doing New York this week?

• 7:52Speaker 01

  No, no, I'm here for the Food Line Festival. Rachel Ray and I are hosting Burger Bash.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  And, and then, uh, I'm not doing stand up again until I'm in Texas. I'm in Texas uh, next like two weeks.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  You feel dialed in now.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  I feel dialed in. So what I wanna do is finish up this tour, put a pin in this hour, and I wanna figure out a new story. Like, one, I want one story. Like, I want a story that I, I still have like a year until I shoot this special.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's great.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  I can't, I'm so fucking pumped.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  That's awesome. I feel, I wish, I, I dream about the feeling that you're talking about, because I'm not there for sure on this yet.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  Where are you at?

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Like, I can do an hour, but it feels like it's a, it's more like 40, because it's still in the building stage, you know? Like, you're still like, oh, I'm still months away from having it be. And then I feel like, usually what happens is when a tour starts, you're like, yeah, I'm doing the show, but I think it takes six, nine months before you get the feeling of like, oh, now it's something.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  It took me a lot longer.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Well, sometimes it takes longer. Yeah.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  It took me so long.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  For this hour?

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, this hour just, it just, it felt so clunky for so long.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Scattered and weird, yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I started in arenas, and that's, and I was like, this, I called Nick and I was like, I, I can't, I can't just be working out an hour in arenas.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  I think that's very good to make that change for, for working it out. Yeah.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  It's so funny, though. Like, uh, I did do, I did Cleveland, I did the arena in Cleveland, and I, I'm a whore, cause I love, I love arenas. They're so much fun.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  There's so much, I mean, I, I literally was like, I gotta come to terms with exactly who I am. Like, I need to, I'm, I'm pretty, you know, I'm, I'm pretty deep in therapy. I'm off for a month, but like, I gotta fucking come to terms with exactly who I am.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  What do you mean by that?

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Um, like my wants and needs, like what do I want out of life? Like when I get done this special, do I want to like tour again? Do I want to do another hour? This hour was so difficult and I think it was because I don't have anything going on in my life. Like I don't have this fucking kids and, and events, like a bunch of like characters living their own independent lives and then we're all coming together at the end of the day. And then I'm, I've got all this material to work with. I think this hour came together hard because I was like, I'm writing from like the one time the girls were in town and then my, the time I went on vacation with my parents and then like, I'm only getting like pockets of life right now.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  And so, I mean, I'm jealous like, cause you got the boys, I'm fucking, I'm like, maybe I'll just like take your boys on a vacation and write some material about it.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  They're with me right now, which is so fun and they're off school. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna run home after this and just go out with them. Just, they're so fun right now.

• 10:49Speaker 01

  Is it crazy for them to be living in an apartment outside of San Antonio?

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. They're like, it's so weird to go from a house to your little one bedroom apartment. Yeah.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Dad, what's that? What's that? You're like, dad is a microwave. You're like, where's your maid?

• 11:04Speaker 00

  That's where dinner is made in the microwave.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Dude, did you see, uh, I, I just saw this on the list and I was like, Burt was in People Magazine last week about their couples therapy. What the fuck?

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Were you? I didn't know that.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  I didn't know that either. I mean, I know I did, I know I did an interview with People Magazine, but I know I talk about couples therapy. Can I tell you this is what I fucking hate about what's happened with this medium?

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Burt reveals the marriage lesson he and wife are working on in therapy.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  That's the fucking headline?

• 11:36Speaker 00

  It's the exclusive.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  That's the exclusive? What the fuck?

• 11:41Speaker 00

  That's quite a shirt you got on there, buddy.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ, I don't even show the leather pants.

• 11:46Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  I, I.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  Not your best photo, but yeah.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  No, it's not.

• 11:53Speaker 00

  She looks great.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, she always looks good.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  You look different. Um, scroll down.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Burt Kreischer says being a dad came naturally because his wife, Leanne, managed the household. Couple began therapy after their daughters left for college, leaving them to adjust to life as empty nesters.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Oh my God, I talked about goodwill listening.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  Goodwill listening to strengthen their marriage. You don't know what you talked about?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  No, I just do an interview and I talk and I fucking hate it. I hate that I do that because then I, you know, it's like, I, maybe when I say it, I think I say it differently and then it gets pulled and you're like, God damn it. Oh, the girls are not gonna like this.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  Those are bikini shots? Jesus.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  There's not gonna like this. They're not gonna like being in People Magazine. Oh, they're gonna be fucking.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  What the fuck did I say?

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Oh, wow. All right. Well, it's so funny that you don't know that you did an interview about this.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  I don't know what I do. I do interviews and then I haven't gotten in trouble for it. So I'm not, I'm just talking to, that's, that's fine.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  I didn't say their cities, did I? I probably did.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  Who knows, dude?

• 13:06Speaker 01

  I, I don't know what I say in an interview. I don't know what I say ever. And so, like, you know, I, I'm always like, I just talk and then.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  You made a good point, an interesting point earlier, though. What are your wants and needs?

• 13:23Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  That's what you're trying to figure out.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. Cause I'm like, you know, I keep, I keep telling you, like the things I, I get drawn to on the, on Instagram are like simpler lives. It just seems so enjoyable to not have the stress of like.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  A crazy life.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  But I gotta be honest with you, it would be nice to like, post something and then be able to read the comments like a regular person. And then be like, oh, I haven't talked to that person in forever. And they're like, oh, that's so cool. Oh, thanks. I'm, I, I do look good in that picture. Oh, cool. Oh, thanks. You're on Ozempic too. You know, like.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  But instead I, I, I have this thing where I post a picture and then I'm terrified to read the comments. I can't, I can't Google, I can't like, uh, when Dolly Parton died, I wanted to find a picture of me and Dolly Parton. So we're talking to the girls and I was like, yeah, I met her. And they're like, you didn't meet her. Every one of your stories is bullshit.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  I was like, no, I met Dolly Parton. And they're like, there's no way.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Such a relatable take from the girls.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Dude, you have no idea.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  Every one of your stories is bullshit.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  I'm like big fish. And so I want, I, I went, not even thinking, I went to Google Burt Kreischer, Dolly Parton, and I hit images and not, I mean, I can't look for myself at all. I can't, there's so many people that dislike me.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  In the image search of that?

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Dude, yeah, I saw a disgusting picture of me and it was like.

• 15:00Speaker 00

  Burt Kreischer's got Dolly Parton's tits.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  What did you see when you searched that?

• 15:07Speaker 01

  I don't know. I, I, Tom, I did this. I did this, like almost like a ghost. I went, ah, come on, what the fuck am I doing? God damn it. And then, and then I was like, nevermind. I don't know Dolly Parton. I never met her.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  The girl's like, I knew it. And I was like, yeah, that's it. I just, and so I think I look at like, I think I look at, like, when I look at Shane dealing with, and I, maybe he doesn't deal with it at all. I know him pretty well. I know he's a pretty regular person. I know that negativity is negativity and to get negativity, there's very few people. Uh, maybe Tony Haskins is the only person I, and Joe Rogan, the only people I know that they go, fuck them, fuck them, fuck them. And I think Shane's like, oh, you know, a little bit. And so I, I mean, you're, you're kind of dead inside like those guys. Like you just, you just go like, fuck them, fuck them.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't care actually.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't need to get there. That's what I'm working on in therapy is to really not care.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  So really not care and just be like, oh, my, my goal is to make you laugh. Like I can't imagine, I can't imagine, I can't imagine. Like I'm knowing, I've never had anyone say anything negative to me in person. I can't imagine if you're someone that people decide to give a peace of mind to, like, you know, like those celebrities where like, like.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  Where people let you know what they think.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Woody Allen or like Louis. I've seen people, you know, do it to Louis.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. I can't imagine, like for me, it's just, I'm annoying and I don't listen. That's why people hate me.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm sure there's more reasons, but, but yeah, it's, uh, that's what I'm working on in therapy. And I think sometimes I, I connect that to a simpler life is like when you have big wants and big needs, of course you're, that's what you get. You shouldn't want more than everyone.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Right.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  You shouldn't want less, you know? And so.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  I don't know if you should want or, you know, it's like, it's like, it's more like, what do you want as opposed to like what you should want? Like you have your own wants and needs, right? Like you have them. I don't think you have to want or need something that the outside dictates to you. It's really about what's inside of you.

• 17:15Speaker 01

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• 20:51Speaker 00

  The bench, the, the bench press push-up thing?

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:54Speaker 00

  And?

• 20:55Speaker 01

  I got to 10.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  That's great, right?

• 20:57Speaker 01

  I got to 10. I got six benches on 10, got pinned at seven and never did the push-ups.

• 21:03Speaker 00

  So wait, let me understand how it works. It's, it's 135?

• 21:07Speaker 01

  135.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  So you do a rep and then you get on the ground and you do.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  And you do a push-up.

• 21:12Speaker 00

  And then on the next one, you do two reps?

• 21:14Speaker 01

  Two reps.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  And then two push-ups, right?

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Two push-ups. Yep.

• 21:17Speaker 00

  And then I was gonna ask this, cause I didn't understand, is it? Like as soon as you're done, you just get right back on, right?

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's no rest.

• 21:25Speaker 00

  There's no rest, so you just go back and forth.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:27Speaker 00

  And then three, okay, and you got to.

• 21:28Speaker 01

  Three.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  You did 10 reps on the bench and you couldn't do a push. Is that what you're saying or you got pinned, you said?

• 21:35Speaker 01

  At, at, when I got to, I did nine and at nine, I was like.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Cooked.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  The ninth push up was tough.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  Oh, on the pushups.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  I got to, so I did one bench, one, two bench.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Two pushups. I got to nine bench, nine pushups, and on the ninth pushup, I was gassed.

• 21:53Speaker 00

  I got you.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  I was like, this is gonna be tough. Then I got onto the bench, I did six reps.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  And you were done.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  And I got pinned on seven, so I wrapped it. So that's where I'm at. So you gotta see if you can beat that.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  That's gonna be tough.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I mean, I know that everyone's gonna be like, your pushups suck. Yeah, that's how pushups work. Apparently you guys, I do black guy pushups.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  Is that what they're called?

• 22:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're black guy pushups.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  How are they black guy pushups?

• 22:17Speaker 01

  Google black guys doing pushups. Type in Diamond Gym, Diamond Gym Pushups. Look at this. You ever heard of Diamond Gym?

• 22:25Speaker 00

  Mm-mm. Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, yes. That's the place where like the super, yeah, yeah, the hardcore place, yeah.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  Do Diamond Bush Pushup. There you go. Okay, here we go.

• 22:34Speaker 00

  Diamond. Okay.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  These are black guy pushups.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  This isn't them, there's too many whites. What are we doing, guys?

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  It's gotta be black.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  That's, I think, yeah.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  Diamond Gym Pushup. There you go.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Okay. Let's see how this goes.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  I'm excited. Okay, okay.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:00Speaker 00

  Turn that down a little bit, please.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  Shut up, Abdul. Rules for Diamond Gym. No sitting. I'm my rules, Al. Yeah.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  He's a big fuck, that guy.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yes.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  No water, no sitting, 20 pushup. How, what's the pushup count today? I don't know, yeah, I'm feeling frisky. Don't know yet. As a matter of fact, you got 20 pushups for not even knowing the rules, buddy.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  Okay, watch the way, no, no, he's a white, so he may do them different.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  But usually they're, they're like, like.

• 23:32Speaker 00

  Oh, they cut it, yeah.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Okay, this has nothing to do with what we're looking for, that's okay.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  We're looking for Diamond Gym, Black Guy Pushups.

• 23:41Speaker 00

  Black guys doing pushups. This is an interesting search, I never thought I'd be here.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Here we go. Oh, the Superman challenge is gonna be where you gotta go out. That's, that's.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  Effective pushups in the game.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Look at that, look at that, you see that?

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  I do pushups like a black guy.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's more of a pump pushup. It's better for your body.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  No, it is, it's better, less stress on your shoulders, more on your triceps.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  Why don't we Google Marine Corps Pushups?

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Look at this, black guy pushups. They're called black guy pushups.

• 24:14Speaker 00

  I've never heard anybody say that, but. Okay, let's see how the Marines do it.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  Marine Corps. One, two.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Marine Corps Pushups, let's see, dude. Semper Fi. Yeah, full extension.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  Lower the chest to the depth. On the second and fourth count.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  That's my, that's my pushup.

• 24:32Speaker 00

  No.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  Marine will always start his pushups by lying flat on his stomach, pushing into the up position.

• 24:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, the full range.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Of Marine Corps. Begin with your palms on the deck.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, so yeah, I do black guy pushups. So people are gonna have problems with my black guy pushups, but whatever.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  Did you record it? Did you film it?

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Of course I did.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Okay, you're gonna post it at some point?

• 24:51Speaker 01

  And you gotta, I'm gonna, I'm editing it right now and then you gotta record it.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  And then we're gonna see how far you get. But don't, like, don't take like five minutes in between sets, cause.

• 25:01Speaker 00

  No, you said there's no rest.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  There's no rest. You get, I mean, you can take like a breath, but like, there's, you're going straight to pushups.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  You go back and forth.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Straight to bench, straight to pushup, straight to bench.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Have you drank this month? I haven't drank at all.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Dude, no.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Just kidding, I got hammered.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  Oh, you did?

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I haven't gotten drunk. I haven't gotten drunk in nine months.

• 25:23Speaker 00

  What got you drunk?

• 25:26Speaker 01

  I, Porosos, I was drinking Porosos and then we took a shot of whiskey. And when I took a shot of whiskey.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Oh, the shot'll just take you over.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  And we were in the bus and we were listening to music and we were fucking. And I didn't realize I was drunk till the next morning when I watched one of the videos and I'm slurring.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  I never asked you this because we were all, you know, obviously taken by your bus fire.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  And that was, wasn't that your build, like a custom build?

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  So did your replacement bus get a, is it a build or you just bought something on the market?

• 25:56Speaker 01

  I just got something. It's really, I'm renting it. It's the, it's the best bus I've ever had. This bus is incredible.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  It's, uh, it's pre-vest, but it's an H3, so it's a bigger bus.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  And it's got a slide out in the back bedroom, but it's the same configuration where it's bedroom, then bathroom. And the bedroom is a slide out with a queen size bed, so it's so much more room.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  And, and what's it called? How many bunks do you have for other people?

• 26:28Speaker 01

  Four, four bunks.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Four bunk, okay.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I love this bus. And it's, it kinda rides heavier, so it's a little smoother, although fucking driving in New York sucked last night.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  But I love it. I would buy it, but I don't, you know, like I said, I don't know what I'm gonna, like, I, I, that was one of the things that really upset me with me and Leanne is like, I was talking about, uh, buying a new bus. So I was like, I'm gonna buy a new bus. I got really excited and I got money back from my bus.

• 26:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  So I'm like, let's go, I'm gonna, I'm gonna buy a gangster ass bus.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  And she was like, how much longer are you gonna be doing this? I was like, what? She goes, oh, you gonna be doing this when you're 60? I was like, maybe, and living in a bus? I was like, I don't know. She's like, you don't do this at 55? I was like. I, I thought I was. She's like, okay. I'm just, I'm just saying, I don't know if we wanna buy a bus. For you to, you know, not use it and you're gonna retire. I go, retire? What the fuck are you talking about?

• 27:26Speaker 00

  What do you see yourself, like, or what does she see you transitioning to if you're not doing that?

• 27:30Speaker 01

  I don't know. You know, I think the girls asked Leanne if I, when I was gonna retire. I think the girls want me to retire. I think no one wants me to be on the road. I think everyone wants to move back to LA and me to just live in LA and do nothing, like a fucking nothing person.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  There's no way they think that you're gonna do nothing.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  I can't be, I can't be, you know, here's the deal. I mean, it's like, I gotta tell you, man, Tim Dillon's the funniest fucking guy alive.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's so funny.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  He is the funniest fucking guy alive.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  He is.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  And, and him on a podcast is genius. It is abs, did you see the one he posted today about, about, uh.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  What's her name? Uh, Tina, not Tina Fey, the other one, the blonde lady. Amy Poehler. Did you see the one he?

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Can you pull up Tim Dillon's fucking Instagram? This is why.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  He, he's gold.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  I, I mean this with so much respect, but like, I am never going to be as good of a podcaster or a broadcaster as Tim Dillon. I, I do not have, this is so funny, Tom, this is Tim Dillon.

• 28:32Speaker 04

  Poehler have the Cornell 7 on. And ask them if they like sparkling or still water. Hi, Cornell 7, thank you so much. You guys are a little young, I don't know if you're familiar with my work. Do you like sparkling or still? I like to go to bed really early sometimes, duck in really early. What do you guys, you guys don't, you guys are up pretty late, according to those texts. What are you doing, you bad little boys? This is a thought.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  It says she looks like Tom Segura?

• 28:58Speaker 04

  Go to Cornell and straighten it out. People are gonna say this is tasteless, but what if we dress like Sherlock?

• 29:05Speaker 01

  This is why I can't read, get it out of here. This is why I can't read comments, Tom.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  How did you guys get lit up in Tim's?

• 29:13Speaker 00

  I don't know, I just got distracted by that, I'm like, wait, what?

• 29:18Speaker 01

  And you can't reply to it, cause then they go, gotcha, I gotcha, man, I got you on the hook. But Tim Dillon is a brilliant broadcaster. No matter what year he lives, he would be a brilliant broadcaster.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  He would.

• 29:33Speaker 01

  And I will never, like, if I had Tim's ability to sit in front of a camera and just broadcast.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  Then I could absolutely say, yeah, I don't need to do the road, uh, I'm gonna just do this. And I, listen, I've also fucked up, cause I also, if I say something super funny, I pull it out of the podcast to use it on stage, cause I, I want, like, I, I hold things back, so I don't take bits on the podcast, cause the stage is where I started. But like, I, I'll never, if I could do what Tim does or what the Theo does, or Joe, I would absolutely retire and fucking just do that. I have a radio show. It's fucking great, but I'm not as good as those guys. So I do standup, that's where, I'm, I'm better in my, out of all my skillset, standup is the one I'm good at. So I just do standup. So when Leanne's like, well, don't you wanna just stay home? I go, no, and just do spots at the store?

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Like, no, I wanna fucking.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  Tour.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  Tour, the, being in front of a brand new, like, people go.

• 30:31Speaker 00

  But what you can do as, cause this happens as, like, in your age bracket, when people get older in standup, is they just dial down the amount of touring they do.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  Then you're not that good.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  No, you can still stay good by doing spots and not have to tour as extensively. It's, it's about stage time, you don't have to do it on the road to be good at it.

• 30:52Speaker 01

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• 32:16Speaker 00

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• 33:28Speaker 01

  Have you done that? Have you done that gig in, uh, in Arizona yet?

• 33:33Speaker 00

  No, I'm about to.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  When's that?

• 33:36Speaker 00

  Saturday.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  And you're doing, you and Bill?

• 33:39Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  Who goes first?

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Oh no. Rachel's, Rachel's on it too.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Rachel Feinstein?

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, she's opening the show.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  And then Santino and Chappelle the next night?

• 33:49Speaker 00

  The next night, yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  I'd love to see what Bill's talking about. Have you seen his press run?

• 33:54Speaker 00

  No, I haven't seen him, seen anything. I mean, I'm sure it's, he's always great.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  He's doing a press run for something. Oh, it's, uh, the David Finch, not David Fincher. He's in like a big movie with like a something, like, like a legit director or something.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  Oh, he's in the-

• 34:09Speaker 01

  The Social Reckoning.

• 34:10Speaker 00

  Oh, cool. Who's directed that?

• 34:13Speaker 01

  Uh, the guy who did The Westworld.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  The first one, right?

• 34:18Speaker 01

  Aaron Sorkin.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  No, he probably maybe wrote it, right?

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Oh, the director is Aaron Sorkin?

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Oh, he wrote it too.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  And what's fascinating about what Bill's talking about is he's talking about a legit. I mean, I really find this interesting. He's talking about, you know, I'm hesitant to talk on behalf of Bill at all, but like in what I've seen on these interviews, like the New York Times one.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  Go back to that so I can see the dropdown. Keep going.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  In, in what he's talking about in these interviews is, is basically

• 34:55Speaker 01

  kind of being a little more chill and getting older and, and I don't know what he's, he's talking about like not being the angry guy, you know? And so it's really fucking fascinating. I'm dying to watch him do stand up and you're gonna be with him.

• 35:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  So I'm dying to hear, I bet his stand up's still fucking brilliant, but like-

• 35:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course. I'm sure it's great.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  Bill Burr is Charlie.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  Cause that first one was a huge hit, wasn't it?

• 35:21Speaker 01

  Social, what was it? The social?

• 35:24Speaker 00

  The show, the social network.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Social network. Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  But I mean, it, it did really well. That's what I'm like, right? I'm, I'm assuming it, uh, let's see. That was, oh, that was 2010?

• 35:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  Oh, it grossed 224. That was, that's massive, bro.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  That's huge. Yeah, but that's when people went to movie theaters.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  That's true. Interesting.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  What was the box office of, uh, of, of Digger?

• 35:50Speaker 00

  Oh my God.

• 35:53Speaker 00

  Oh my God. It did eight domestic. Putting on track for a $245 million loss. Holy shit.

• 36:01Speaker 01

  People say it's fucking incredible.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  It is, it is.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  How come then it's not making money? Is it just not the thing people wanna go see in a movie theater?

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Uh, you know, there's a lot of people that don't like the message. Then there's people that, um, that feel insulted by it because the movie kind of makes it, it's not like a movie that goes, do you feel good now? Which like a lot of people like, it's like you're, you're the, it's, it, everybody is to blame in this movie. Like the, the movie blames you as the audience for being-

• 36:33Speaker 01

  I know nothing about this movie. I knows nothing about this movie.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  Holy shit. So it opened with eight in North America and 20 worldwide in its opening weekend. But for a movie that was between 160 and 180 to produce, that's obviously not a lot.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  I guess it says audiences were expecting a high octane Tom Cruise action vehicle instead of this eccentric message heavy satire about an oil tycoon facing an environmental disaster. It's very, it's, look, it is a feat of filmmaking. Like one, there's multiple layers to this movie. One of them is like, when you watch it, I think you can't-

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Have you seen it?

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 37:18Speaker 00

  You can't help but go like, just pulling this thing off. The, the storytelling aspect of it, you're like, this is, of course, Inarito is the, the guy to do it. Then you just see like, I read something about the amount of artists and prop people on, like on set.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 00

  Were over like 160. His, his crew was 680 people.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  The crew was like, cause you, and you see it on screen, though. You see it in the production design. The cinematography is, is outstanding.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Really?

• 37:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like-

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Did you see, did you see it by yourself?

• 38:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I saw it in Atlanta. Yeah, I just wanted to see it. Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Really?

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just went one night. I had a little free time. I was like, I'm gonna go see this movie. I wanna see what, what it is. I think that there's some really, you know, I'm not saying it's beyond criticism. I do think there were scenes where you go like, just fucking end this scene, man. Like it just went on, but that's also, I think if you've seen Inarito's stuff before, it's consistent with like, you know, he's in your face and he, he takes as long as he wants. So that's not, that's not, I think, why people are, are against it. There's also just conspiracies about how it was marketed and it's pretty, it's pretty interesting. But I think it's, if you like movies,

• 38:47Speaker 00

  this is definitely one of those movies that I, I think is worth seeing. And I do think it's gonna have a long life after this as a movie that gets more and more celebrated as time passes.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  Really?

• 39:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think you should go see it.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  So then, then here's my question, as a person who makes movies, or I guess both of us do. But when, when you make a movie and you want it to be in theaters, and, and I, I've said this and I, I'm sure you'll hear me eat my words when I have a movie that's going out in theaters. And I'm like, guys, how much fun are the movie theaters? But like, what is the thing you need to put into a movie theater for it to be successful? Does it need, do you need your $250 million to be action scenes for people to go, that's where I go? And do you need your comedies to be like, come in the hair and like, do you need to feel for comedy? Do you need to feel like you go, I can't believe I'm seeing this with other people?

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Well, the, I mean, that's a big thing. I think we're talking about multiple things. I think with comedies, one of the things that, that is clear is that when people go, talk, talk to me about a great comedy, we all reference movies that are 20 and 30 years old or older. Like we don't mention things from like the last couple of decades. No one is like, oh, all these comedies that I've loved from the last couple of decades. And I think the reason for that is that those older comedies, you were invested in story. People have abandoned story in comedies and it's about these set pieces and the big like gag. And they don't care about, they're not emotionally invested in the story anymore.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  But all the great comedies of the eighties and the nineties and early 2000s, you were very invested in story. So that's kind of just like an interesting thing. They also had, comedies used to be driven by a singular view of a director. That's like the, a big thing I think is when you start getting so many people's input into a comedy, it kind of just dilutes it and it fizzles down. I think when you wanna get people into theaters, people need to, it's never, it's, I don't think this will ever change. They have to connect with, with characters and with a story. They have to connect with that. Even when you get into like other genres of film,

• 41:12Speaker 00

  usually there's something about the story that a wide, it resonates with a wider audience. And I think comedies have absolutely dropped that in a big way in the last decade plus. So what do you need to get it? I mean, obviously if we knew the exact formula, we would just always do it. But I think comedies have, have failed for a reason.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Do you think they've made them, like now that, I mean, even when I think, if I try to connect what we were talking about with Gillis and how much attention he's gotten from SNL, when other comics have hosted SNL and no one talked about anything, like no one talks about their monologue. People, everyone's talking about his monologue.

• 41:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  Is it, and it's because he called them whores. And then-

• 41:59Speaker 00

  It's easy to jump. It's just a, it's a-

• 42:00Speaker 01

  No, but no, but do you give, do you give people, do you knowingly throw a fucking lit cigarette into the woods? And go, I hope it catches fire and I hope it, it makes people angry. And then I hope like, is that what, is, this is gonna sound like, I did an interview for, uh, with Jess Hilarious, um, for the, uh, for the Netflix is a roast of Kevin Hart.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  And she goes, what can you, what can I, what can we expect? And I said, and I thought it was pretty wise and no one ever picked it up and I kind of just sat with it.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  But I said, it's a belly flop contest. She goes, what do you mean? I said, it's a belly flop. No one can fuck up. You can't fuck all, you can fuck up by going too safe. But if you don't try, go for the belly flop and try, and it's gonna hurt and it's, say the most aggressive thing, the most insane racist, bizarre, fucked up misogynist, anti Zion, you say the most fucked up thing, you win. And, and, and because, because comedy, I, I mean, I don't mean to like, sound like I'm wholly with that, but comedy is turned into a belly flop contest where it's like, yo, in order to get views, you gotta say something that pisses people off. And then, like, I, I tell you what, that's why I fucking love John Mulaney.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  Because like, his, his thing that he did for the Golden Globes, for the Oscars, or whatever it was, the Academy thing, where he just talked about, like, uh, leading men, was so funny. But everyone thought it was funny. But that's what comedy is. And is that what, and I mean, it's kinda what me and you do, is we're belly floppers. Is, is that what you need to do to make a movie is belly flop it? And be like, fuck it, we're all saying the N word, we're taking our dicks out. And then everyone's like, god damn it, have you seen this? This is what comedy's about.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  I think some comedies are like, do, uh, uh, subscribe to that idea. And I don't think it actually is what gets people to go. I mean, that might get people like tweeting and stuff about it. But I think what actually gets people to go is they want genuine laughs. Like they want it to be funny, you know, which obviously that part is kind of subjective. But I don't think people will go in droves to see like chaos. I think they'll go if people are like, this is fucking good. This is good. These stories, this story is good. These characters I connect with. I think, I still think you need that if you want success at the box office. Cause that's what people are gonna-

• 44:33Speaker 01

  I don't know, but no, but hang on, but success at the box office changed so much. And now it's like, how do you get people to leave their house? They wanna see a public execution. By the way, I just watched a guy get eaten by a tiger the other day. And I was like, yeah, it was fucking incredible.

• 44:46Speaker 00

  He was eaten by the tiger?

• 44:48Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 00

  What?

• 44:50Speaker 01

  You didn't see it?

• 44:51Speaker 00

  No.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  Well, let's just say that I might as well watch the execution.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  Wait, you saw it fully eat a guy?

• 44:57Speaker 01

  No, if I could get that video, I would, but, uh, he, he gets in the cage and the tiger starts attacking him. And then he, he goes like this, the tiger. No, no. And the tiger stops a little bit and you're like, wow, he must work with tigers. And then it kills him.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  It kills him?

• 45:12Speaker 01

  It kills him.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  No shit.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's online.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  Fucking A. I'm sure that'll make its way to me.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  I'm almost certain that guy would have been outraged by Shane's.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, what you're doing is so offensive.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  Anyone who gets in a cage of an animal.

• 45:28Speaker 00

  I mean, that's only the mentally ill that go like, I'm, I'm entering the tiger cage.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  We are gonna get the worst reviews by USA Today.

• 45:37Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  On our shows from Kelly.

• 45:39Speaker 00

  Tigers are really interesting as hunters, by the way.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  You see it? There we go. Here we go. Man killed and tiger attacked. Look at it. Watch him, watch, watch it, watch him. He's like, no, what the fuck are you doing? God damn it. Hey, watch him, watch him. No, god damn it, they cut it. There you go, there you go, there you go. Watch him. He's like, what the, he goes, no, no, no. And for a second, the tiger listens and he's like, there we go.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Damn, he's pawing at him. Sometimes they do that with, um, with, uh, babies, you know? Like you'll see a, you'll see a tiger, like a baby gazelle, and it'll just play with it for a while. And you're like, aww, he's playing with a baby. It'll still kill it and eat it though, but it just does that for a little while.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  You know probably why it stopped right then? Cause it's facing the tiger. Tigers are interesting like that in that if you face them, you kinda, it's not that you'll survive, but you have a beat. But the moment you turn your head, the moment you turn your head, they go for the kill. Even the guys that work with them day in and day out, it's different than lions. See, lions, if you work with them day in and day out, they'll actually be like, oh, I know this guy.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 00

  But the tigers, even if you're there for 10 years feeding that tiger, the moment you turn your head, it's like, oh, food. And it just goes to kill you. Immediately.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  Pretty cool.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  We, we worked with one in, uh, Northern California. They had a white tiger, two white tigers at a theme park.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  And Isla wanted a picture with the tiger. And so the tiger is sitting on the, and there's big, there's all water in a cage, but the tiger's sitting on the thing. Isla's a baby. And she like turns to get a picture with the tiger. And the second she turned her back to it, it went like this.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  And leapt maybe 30 feet in the air and tried to, and if that cage wasn't there, it would have pounced on Isla. We would have lost that child forever. Dude, that's why they, you know that they make masks on the back of their head?

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, in India.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  In India when they go jogging.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, they say if you live in rural villages, they'll go for, when they, cause some of them like walk home from work, it's just to give the tiger the illusion that eyes are, are on them. Yeah.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  It's crazy. Yeah, I've never, I've worked with a tiger once, that one time. But yeah, tigers are fucking terrifying. Tigers are really terrifying. You know what they, can you believe a liger is a real thing?

• 48:12Speaker 00

  I know. And they're so big.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  They're fucking massive. There's animals, okay, top five animals that you can't believe really exist.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Well.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Liger, a, a fucking narwhal. Norwhals are real.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, for sure.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  Can you believe that?

• 48:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I believe it. Yeah.

• 48:31Speaker 01

  Norwhals really exist.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's pretty cool.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  I think that's fucking insane.

• 48:38Speaker 00

  That's the first time I saw liger. This was, I mean, it feels like, it must be like 20 years ago or something. And I'm like, oh, that's gotta be Photoshop.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  That's not a real thing. It's like, oh no. And they're so goddamn massive. Yeah, of course. You're not supposed to do that.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  Is that, is that just from interbreeding? It's not like they're not naturally in, well, the wild?

• 49:01Speaker 00

  I can't imagine that that happens naturally. I can't ima, there's like right there, just look at that. Second row. That is like, yeah, those are-

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Look at that guy with the liger. Look at the guy with the liger.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  Oh my god. Yeah, that's gotta be artificially done. Like that, that doesn't happen in nature. So fucking-

• 49:22Speaker 01

  God, I would, I would love to see a tiger and a gorilla have a baby.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  A goriger? A goriger?

• 49:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Can you, can you, what, how, how, how can far can we get in interbreeding?

• 49:38Speaker 00

  How far?

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, like what's the two-

• 49:40Speaker 00

  See, this is what you should do in retirement.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  That's cool. That's what you should put your energy into.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 00

  I like that.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  If we could, if we could miniature up a couple of animals?

• 49:51Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Like mini, mini giraffes?

• 49:54Speaker 00

  Like in your hand. I'm gonna hold them like this.

• 49:57Speaker 01

  I want, what I want is I want a hippo. Like I want a 20 pound hippo.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  How fucking great would that be?

• 50:05Speaker 00

  That'd be cool because they kill more people than anybody. So it'd be cool if you could-

• 50:08Speaker 01

  Ooh, I tell you what, I wouldn't mind a hundred pound hippo. And legit, it'd fuck people up.

• 50:15Speaker 00

  Well, it would kill them.

• 50:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, 140 pound hippo would be-

• 50:20Speaker 00

  Well, you keep gaining the weight. It was 20 a second ago.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Cause I go, I don't want a fucking 100 pounds when I can get 140 out of it. A fucking 140 pound hippo would be incredible.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  I think that's too big. The bite force is too much.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  Okay, what's, what do you think is the fun, like the perfect size for, for a, like a, pull up baby hippos.

• 50:39Speaker 00

  You don't want it to be able to- Oh, come on. That's what you want around the house.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  Holy shit. How can I, how can I, uh, R. Kelly these things? So I just get them at that age and then get rid of them? How do I Leonardo DiCaprio these, where I just get them at their young days?

• 50:58Speaker 00

  What's the size of a baby hippo at birth? Baby hippo size at birth? 55 to 121 pounds.

• 51:10Speaker 01

  Whoa, oh, there's a pygmy hippopotamus.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  Oh my god, 10 to 14 pounds? Can I keep one at my house? Can you have a pygmy hippo?

• 51:21Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Do they end up growing too much?

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Look at a pygmy hippo. Hold on, hold on.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  No, it gets pretty big, bro.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  How big?

• 51:32Speaker 00

  I don't know. I just saw a grown version.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  I gotta live on about an acre.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  Hmm, I think it might need more than an acre.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  Click Wikipedia, see how big they get.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  Also, just one day, you'll just go out there to feed it and just eats you. Just bites you in half. Native to Liberia, Sierra Leone, is reclusive, nocturnal.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  Okay, I only wanna play with it when I'm drunk.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, it still has a pretty fierce looking bite, man.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:03Speaker 00

  Fuck, this is a good idea. You should get like a mini polar bear too. That'd be cool.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Dude, 160 pounds? This is exactly what I want.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  Jake, can you say, can I have one at, can you see if you can buy one and keep it?

• 52:15Speaker 01

  Oh, are you, on the black market, you can get whatever the fuck you want.

• 52:17Speaker 00

  Is, private is generally illegal, although it depends on specific state and laws. Okay, maybe you have to have a zoo. Could you start like a Burt Zoo?

• 52:28Speaker 01

  I could. I think Matt Damon did it.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  He did?

• 52:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, in like a movie or something.

• 52:33Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 52:34Speaker 01

  But we should have a zoo.

• 52:36Speaker 00

  Okay. All right, look, I gotta, I gotta go pee. I love you. Have a great time in New York.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  I love you.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  Stay out of controversy.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm not doing anything. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be, keep my nose clean.

• 52:53Speaker 00

  Okay, good.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  I'm not doing any, I'm not doing anyone's podcast for like a year.

• 52:57Speaker 00

  Good. That sounds great.

• 52:59Speaker 01

  I'm doing ours and that's it. I was just asked to do one while I was here and I was like, yeah, I don't think I'm doing podcasts anymore.

• 53:05Speaker 00

  That's good. Smart. Um, all right, be safe and I'll, I'll talk to you soon, bro.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Tell the boys I said hi and then I'll be there in a week.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  Okay?

• 53:15Speaker 00

  All right.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  And we're getting fucking loose.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  Okay, sounds good, man.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  All right, love you, buddy.