How To Rewrite Your Story, Make Peace with the Past, and Break Old Patterns | Melissa Febos

Practical ways to upgrade your narrative. Melissa Febos https://www.melissafebos.com/ is the national bestselling author of five books, including Girlhood https://www.melissafebos.com/girlhood, Body Work: The Radical Power of Personal Narrative https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/691717/body-work-by-melissa-febos/9781646220854/, and a new memoir, The Dry Season https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/725681/the-dry-season-by-melissa-febos/. She is the recipient of awards and fellowships from the Guggenheim Foundation, the National Endowment for the Arts and others. Her work has appeared in The Paris Review, The New Yorker, The Best American Essays and others. She is a professor at the University of Iowa. In this episode we talk about: How to "audit" your personal narrative with simple questions Melissa's five-step method for rewriting unhelpful stories Why community, and vulnerability are required for real change; in other words, why it's harder to do this work alone Melissa's own experiences running this playbook with regard to her relationships and her addictions. Get the 10% with Dan Harris app here https://app.danharris.com/membership Sign up for Dan's free newsletter here http://www.danharris.com/ Follow Dan on social: Instagram https://bit.ly/3tGigG5, TikTok https://bit.ly/3FOA84J Subscribe to our YouTube Channel https://bit.ly/3FybRzD To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://advertising.libsyn.com/10HappierwithDanHarris

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:04Dan Harris?

  This is the 10% Happier Podcast. I'm Dan Harris.

• 0:19Dan Harris?

  Hey, hey, how we doing, everybody? One of the most potent sources of human suffering is the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Sometimes these stories are damning and demeaning. You know, I'm a bad person, I'm gross, I'm unworthy, whatever. Sometimes they're self-aggrandizing or victim-oriented. Why does bad stuff always happen to me? But the good news is you can learn how to revise and upgrade the stories you tell yourself. In other words, you can change. And today, we're going to talk to somebody who has a playbook for doing this and has run this playbook many times in her own life to great success. Melissa Phibos is a professor at the University of Iowa and a renowned memoirist who has

• 1:01Dan Harris?

  written several books, including Bodywork and The Dry Season. We talk about how to audit your personal narrative with some simple questions, her five-step method for rewriting unhelpful stories, why community and vulnerability are required for real change, in other words, why it's much harder to do this work alone. And we talk about Melissa's own experiences running this playbook, as I said earlier, with regard to her relationships and her addictions. Just a quick reminder, it's not too late to sign up for the New Year's Meditation Challenge over on my new app, 10% with Dan Harris. The challenge is free, and it's led by the renowned teacher, Joseph Goldstein. You can sign up for the app at danharris.com.

• 1:46Dan Harris?

  We'll get started with Melissa Phibos right after this.

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• 2:47Dan Harris?

  Melissa Fiebos, welcome to the show.

• 2:49Speaker 03

  Thanks for having me.

• 2:50Dan Harris?

  Pleasure. I've been reading this, as you probably know, I get a prep doc or preparation doc before every interview, and you and Marissa Schneiderman, who's our senior producer, and she's producing this episode, put together a great document to help prepare me for this conversation. And I read with interest that you, in some ways, are not a natural memoirist in that, like, left to your own devices. You're not particularly introspective.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  It's true. It's true. I think that's actually a great misconception of a lot of memoirists. Folks who don't write or don't know any memoirists intimately tend to assume that we're kind of inherent overshare-ers, right? Or we love attention, or we can't wait to tell you all of our secrets. But actually, I think it's usually the opposite. Memoirs are some of the most secretive people I've ever met. And I think what happens is we tend to be the kind of folks who conceal parts of ourselves and are very careful about sort of what we let other people see, in addition to sort of keeping real secrets. And over time, that gets kind of exhausting and heavy to carry.

• 3:57Speaker 03

  So we start to slowly develop this kind of counter-impulse to want to put it all down or say the unspeakable thing. I think all people have that impulse, right? We kind of want to say the unspeakable thing just as much as we fear it. And so, writing memoir is kind of the perfect antidote to that lifestyle, because you get to tell everyone everything, but you do it totally alone in a room with no one watching you. And you can take like 10 years to do it if you want to.

• 4:25Dan Harris?

  I'm trying to think if that describes me. I guess maybe I'm a memoirist. I've written one and I have another one coming out.

• 4:31Speaker 03

  I would say you are. I would say you are.

• 4:34Dan Harris?

  Yeah. I am actually a little bit more of a exhibitionist and oversharer by nature that spills into my memoir. But I guess if I think about the two books, one written, the other almost written, I am actually revealing things that I have not hitherto revealed. So there's something there.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, there's obviously variation across the genre, but I do think for a lot of us, the juiciest parts, like the fun parts of writing, are also kind of the scary parts where we're revealing something and maybe we're looking at it for the first time ourselves and we're like, oh, wow, I've actually always known that about myself.

• 5:13Dan Harris?

  Yes.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  But I also didn't know it at the same time because I never put words to it. I would also say that I identify as an addict. I've been clean and sober for over 20 years. And so I have a really strong instinct toward what feels good. And I, obviously, that sort of applies to all people. But to me, it's like, to a catastrophic degree where I really sort of, anything that sort of gets my yummy brain chemicals going, I want to do it until something breaks, like external, internal, whatever. I'll just keep doing it. And self-reflection is definitely not one of those things. Self-reflection is like slow. It's offers only longitudinal rewards. It takes a lot of work. Like, it's not a

• 5:57Speaker 03

  high, you know? So I've had to really sort of build it into my life for my own survival, which I think is also what I mean about being a memoirist, being kind of counterintuitive for me.

• 6:09Dan Harris?

  No, that all lands. Just to be clear, I was laughing at your description of doing things that feel good until everything breaks, not because I was judging you, but just because I see myself in that and that.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  That was my assumption. I could tell the quality of the laughter was recognition.

• 6:22Dan Harris?

  I was laughing with you, not at you, for sure. One of your main contentions that comes through in the notes I have in front of me that you and Marissa worked on is that most of our pain as an individual comes from the shitty stories we're telling to ourselves about ourselves.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  You know, this has proved true across my whole life, but also, you know, I work with memoirists and writers and people who want to write their own stories. And I've also seen it in that form, revealed over and over and over again, as well as just my friends, the people I know, my family members. I mean, a lot of times it is a shitty story, but sometimes it's an aggrandizing story, too. I've definitely had like stories I've told myself about myself that were eliding the problematic behaviors that I had or the ways that I was complicit in my own unhappiness, right? And I think it's just kind of the way the psyche works, right? Is that as we're living, we're constructing a narrative of our experience, you know, and especially when there's patterns, we make a story out

• 7:27Speaker 03

  of it. And we say, oh, I just can't find the right person in my love life, or everybody always takes advantage of me at work and I get totally overworked and burnt out and I get used up, you know? And we sort of cast ourselves in a familiar role and then sort of lacquer over that with future retellings and more and more retellings. And I think there's a purpose to that story. It helps us survive difficult experiences. It sort of helps us in a momentary way, and it gives us a solid sense of our identity, right? But I don't think it's necessarily the truest version of our story. I think it, in the interest of helping us survive an experience, it leaves out some of the painful parts or

• 8:11Speaker 03

  the compromising parts, and sometimes even the parts that make the people we love look bad, who we don't want to hold accountable, whatever we don't want to look at or think we can't handle in the moment. But when we hold on to that story long term, it compromises us because it sort of forecloses the other possibilities for how we might be living or who we might be. And we really never get to look at those parts that we left out in the kind of initial draft in our mind.

• 8:37Dan Harris?

  Maybe you already listed some examples, but are there examples of? Unconstructive stories, either aggrandizing or deprecating that you were telling yourself historically about yourself. You mentioned something about something professional and something romantic. Were those actually bits of memoir?

• 8:54Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. I mean, how much time do you have?

• 8:58Speaker 03

  I've been through this process many, many times. Most of my research is empirical, right? You know, I'm a serial sort of memoirist and personal essayist, and I would say everything I've ever written sort of fits into this rubric and is an experience that was difficult while I was living it. I created a certain story about it. I stuck to the story and I kept living the same kind of unpleasant or unhappy experience until I hit a kind of breaking point. And then I thought, something's wrong here. Like, the common denominator is actually me. Whatever the story I'm telling, like, what I am living, it's not quite matching up. The ones I was referring to was, you know, my most recent memoir is a book called

• 9:39Speaker 03

  The Dry Season, and it's about a year that I spent celibate after 20 years of nonstop monogamous relationships. And I had a story about myself that was actually like a pretty happy story. The story was, I'm a great partner. I work really hard in my relationships. I've been to a lot of therapy and 12-step recovery, but my relationships just weren't working out. And I had this one particularly catastrophic relationship that was really like a hurricane that swept through my life. And on the heels of it, I was in my mid-30s. I thought, okay, I do feel tired, but that doesn't mean I've been doing the right kind of work in my relationships. Let me take a look at this story I've been telling myself and see if it's actually true,

• 10:22Speaker 03

  if it actually matches up with what I've been doing for these last 20 years. And like, to my sort of surprise, it wasn't true at all. I had been working really hard, but kind of in the wrong direction. I've had a lot of issues around work for this, but I would say probably the one that comes first to mind is that I used to kind of have a story about myself, that I'm such a hard worker. I always end up being sort of indispensable in my jobs and people depend on me a lot. And then there's too much pressure and I feel unappreciated. And then the only option is for me to like quit and run away. And it sort of always ends badly. You know, this was sort of a similar story as the way I

• 11:02Speaker 03

  related to my romantic relationships. Do you? Unsurprisingly. And I hit a point where I was like, you know what? I have a great job. I have pretty great colleagues. Like, I don't think I have an extreme situation here. Like, what am I doing that's contributing to the story I'm telling myself? And how might I revise it so that I can behave differently and have a different kind of experience? And obviously, the process is like much longer than just asking that question. But that question is the start.

• 11:30Dan Harris?

  We're gonna get into the process. There are five steps, at least from what I can see, that I'm really interested in. Before we get into that, you're talking about this in a light way. This realization that your story, and in these cases, they're somewhat self-aggrandizing stories, that they weren't true, like, that's a monumental achievement to be able to see that. And I just don't want to let that go uncommented upon.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  Thank you. Yeah, I mean, in the moment, it's actually pretty devastating.

• 11:59Dan Harris?

  Sure.

• 11:59Speaker 03

  I mean, it's sort of like a door opens, right? It's hopeful, too, because if I've been wrong about the story I'm telling myself, then there's other options, right? Then I might be able to have some control over the experience that I'm having. But at the same time, it's a bit mortifying and scary to have been lying to yourself, you know? And I think we all do, but it's still quite shocking when we face it and we've been really committed to something and our sort of denial starts to fall away a little bit. I mean, these are really intense reckoning points in my life that I probably could never have imagined writing about in the moments when they were happening because I felt so humbled and sometimes ashamed.

• 12:44Speaker 03

  And it usually isn't until years later that I'm comfortable being like, let me go talk to a bunch of strangers about this experience, you know?

• 12:51Dan Harris?

  I mean, I've been through similar experiences. And you say humbled and ashamed, and I can see myself in both of those. But often, for me, and this is not flattering, it's a protracted, and by protracted, it could be many years-long period of defensiveness, too.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's kind of the worst part, right? It's like when you're awake to what's happening and you have some degree of self-awareness, but you're fighting it. It's like having surgery with no anesthesia. At least when you're in denial, you're like, God, I'm just a hapless victim. Why does this keep happening to me? And you can really feel like the hero of your story. When you know that you're culpable, then it can be quite excruciating. And I've definitely sat in that phase for a long time, too. I heard someone say recently that the distance between not knowing that you need to change and changing is so much greater than the distance between knowing that you need to change and changing, right?

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Going from not knowing you need to change and knowing you need to change is like the hardest part in many ways, or the longest distance. And even if it gets really uncomfortable after that, I think if you're a person who's open to that in any way, it's sort of inevitable that it will happen eventually.

• 14:09Dan Harris?

  Yeah, I would agree that the longest distance is going from denial to self-awareness. But there's this cultish stage, this awkward stage that you're pointing at between self-awareness and like, I might be misusing this term, but like self-actualizing or like, you know, where you operationalize the insights. And I'm actually working on a chapter in my next book now where it's like, I do incredibly dumb shit in this chapter, and I know I'm doing dumb shit. And like in the earlier chapters, I didn't know, so it was embarrassing in hindsight. But this was like dramatic irony, but I'm both the audience and the character.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. No, it's brutal. I mean, you're definitely writing memoir because that is what memoir is made of. Yeah, I've had that experience a lot of times, just making a decision and being like, I want to do this. I want the short-term benefits of doing this. I know it's probably going to blow up in my face because it has before, and I'm going to do it anyway, you know? Like, I'm not proud of it, but like, as someone, as I said before, who has a really addictive personality, when I get into a habitual behavior or way of like coping with something, I can spin my wheels for a really long time trying to get out of that, even if there are just like pretty minor short-term benefits to it, and sometimes even none, I will just keep doing it for a while after that. Like, it's really...

• 15:34Speaker 03

  Change is not easy. I need like a system in order to do it.

• 15:39Dan Harris?

  One of the things I was really interested in, in reading up on you is what you have to say about how this process of rewriting your story works on a psychological level to change us. From what I can tell, the model seems to be like awareness leads to agency, agency leads to urgency. Am I understanding that correctly? And if so, can you unpack it?

• 16:03Speaker 03

  The first step is definitely looking at what is actually happening. Looking at the story that you're telling yourself, becoming willing to see something that I haven't been seeing. You know, like there really is that willingness is sort of key. People can, as we were just saying, be really, really uncomfortable and still be unwilling to change. We've all seen it. We can stay in it for years. We really have to be willing to like do something different. And then I think we can look at the past and look at the story that we're telling ourselves and see if they really match. And usually they don't, right? If we're having a repetitive unpleasant experience, they don't quite match up. We're either telling the story is aggrandizing us, or sometimes it's degrading us too much,

• 16:48Speaker 03

  which is also like grandiose in a different kind of way, but we're leaving something out. And then that's when the agency comes in because first we can sort of update the story of ourselves, our understanding of our situation. We can put in the thing that we're leaving out. Like for me, this might be, oh, I'm like volunteering too much at work. I am obsessed with becoming indispensable because it makes me feel needed and I like that feeling, right? But here I am blaming other people for using me. Or like I am being overly accommodating in my relationships and trying to be perfect. And then I'm blaming my partners for like controlling me when I'm leaving out the part that like, I'm making some choices here about what I'm doing. Nobody's forcing me to do it.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  And when I fill that part in, it gives me more agency because I see the choices I'm making and I'm able to make different choices. And I would say, you know, if I can generalize in kind of a broad way, the story we tell ourselves is usually like much more black and white, much more sweeping and more complacent. Right? We see ourselves as a victim when actually we're making choices that are contributing to the experience that we're having. Right? And I think like once We go through the awkward phase of trying to implement different behaviors. It all starts to work together in a way that updates our whole sense of ourselves. And our self-image and our identity really kind of changes.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  And I stopped thinking of myself as someone that people use and don't appreciate. And I think of myself as someone who values her own time and makes conscious choices about how she wants to be of service to other people. It's a very different story and one that has a lot more sort of power of decision-making and choice in it.

• 18:37Dan Harris?

  I mean, this is such good news because, I mean, these stories we're telling about ourselves, positive or negative stories, they're just massively limiting. And the fact that you can see through them and update them, as shitty as it may be, as painful and awkward as it may be, is just, I think massively good news.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is, it is. But I think that willingness part is really key too, because most people don't think of themselves as telling themselves a story. That feels offensive to a lot of people, right? They're like, no, this is my life. This is my experience. This is my truth. Right? But you're also choosing that. And I think this is where my perspective as a memoirist really comes in, because writing memoir makes you realize there are so many ways you can tell a story. And I think we know this a little bit intuitively, because for every event, think of like family history, for every big family holiday or big family fight, there are as many true versions of that story as there were people present. And they're not wrong, even though they might contradict each other, because truth is subjective.

• 19:42Speaker 03

  We all tell ourselves a story about what happened. Even now, as you were saying, I'm talking about this in kind of a lighthearted way because I've made friends with this process, but that's not how I saw it when it happened. When it happened, I thought my life was over, like many, many times. I thought I could never change. I was devastated. I thought I was a terrible person. But like, the story can change. Realizing that, opening ourselves up to that is scary and humbling, but I think you're right, it is really, really good news. We're so much more empowered if we're looking at it that way.

• 20:14Dan Harris?

  I just want to promise the listener again that we're going to get pretty granular and it does not require you having to write a memoir, but let me just stay at a higher level just for a second before we get into the nitty gritty. I understand you've been pretty deeply influenced and you referenced your sobriety by both 12-step and a kind of therapy called Internal Family Systems. Can you say a little bit about each?

• 20:36Speaker 03

  I was raised by a psychotherapist, so I've had a lot of different kinds of therapy. And I've always been interested in psychology, even when I wasn't interested in self-reflection. I'm just interested in how people's minds work. IFS, Internal Family Systems Therapy, it's the kind of therapy that my mother practices and trains people in, and we've done workshops together. And it really sort of draws upon lots of previous models of therapy. You can find traces of it in Freud and Jung and I think probably most models of therapy have some version of thinking about how to mediate between what might be called the unconscious or the parts of our psyche that we are unaware of, but that are contributing

• 21:21Speaker 03

  to our actions. And in IFS, we might call these exiles. They're sort of the parts of us that were wounded when we were children and that we sort of sent away inside of ourselves because they were scary and we chose not to deal with them. But a lot of our adult behaviors end up being guided by these parts that were sort of exiled, right? And the way the therapy model works is the therapist helps the patient try to go into sort of dialogue and conversation with the different parts of their psyche. And in addition to exiles, there are also managers, firefighters, there's a few different parts, right? But the goal is to sort of draw in the parts of ourselves that have been exiled and integrate

• 22:04Speaker 03

  them into the psyche so that we can be led by our higher self, so that we aren't being sort of driven by the parts of ourselves that are kind of hidden in the dark. And that very much sort of speaks to my experience of 12-step recovery, which is, you know, I'm in multiple 12-step programs and have worked the 12 steps a lot of times. I would describe that process also of sort of surveying our past and our past behavior so that we can fill in the gaps of our own agency. Where did I hurt other people? How was I complicit in the end of these relationships? That sort of thing. And then we sort of tell our story to another person and make it visible to someone

• 22:49Speaker 03

  we trust. And then we go about trying to amend our behavior. And sometimes that means like apologizing to people from our past. A lot of times, it just means practicing awareness of what in 12 step language are called character defects or character defenses. And that might be workaholism, people pleasing, competitiveness. Those are just some of mine. And then over time, we sort of turn the volume down on the character defenses that have caused us problems in the past. And we try to replace them with more positive behaviors, right? That aren't going to create wreckage or hurt us or other people. And so I think the way that I think about personal change and the way that it's been reflected in my

• 23:33Speaker 03

  experience of writing memoir draws pretty heavily on both of those models. And I've been really interested in the way that I see sort of models for change across discipline and culture and time. They have these really common elements of us surveying our past, telling the truth to other people, and then trying to do something different, right? Whether you're looking at psychology, or religion, or creative practice.

• 24:01Dan Harris?

  Well said. I, notwithstanding my history of cocaine use, I have never done 12 step work. And over the last couple of years, I've gotten, I have a newish friend. I won't say his whole name, because there's a reason why they use the word anonymous in these programs, but Danny is his first name, a really good friend. He has really lifted the curtain for me on, because we'll have dinners together and he'll tell me about what's going on in his various 12 step programs. And there's this thing that you'll be familiar with that I wasn't really familiar with, like inventories. And so it's not like, I mean, maybe it's something you do early on, but Danny's been in recovery for decades. This is really like for active issues that may not have anything to do with the original

• 24:44Dan Harris?

  addiction, per se, you're doing an inventory. Can you describe what that is?

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I do a daily inventory. And I think when you first come into recovery from whatever it is, the first inventory is sort of the mother load, right? Because you've never done one, and so you're doing an inventory of your whole life. But the idea being that after you've sort of done that and kind of cleaned house, you keep it up as a regular practice for the rest of your life, basically, so that you catch things before they start kind of warping your thinking and you develop your little story around it, you know? So for me, I have a little text thread with a couple of friends of mine, and we do a little inventory, and there's a series of questions we ask ourselves. And the questions include, did I tell any lies today? Did I act on any sort of bad behaviors today?

• 25:35Speaker 03

  Did I do any estimable acts today? Did I keep any secrets today? There's like eight or nine questions, and we answer them. And then, you know, there's always a little something, right? Sometimes there's a big something, and then that's a little sort of alarm, right? Because then you go take some action. If I find that I was, a lot of times it'll just be, you know, I was a little snippy with my wife when we were traveling yesterday because I was tired, right? And I'll be like, all right, I guess I'll go apologize. Or I've been really avoiding my email because I don't want to respond to this person. And like, it becomes harder to keep doing that once I've admitted it to myself and to another person, you know?

• 26:17Speaker 03

  So the inventory is sort of like psychological, and maybe to some extent, like an ethical hygiene

• 26:24Dan Harris?

  Yeah.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  that keeps me from collecting the grimy, sort of feeling bad about myself, harmful behaviors that can really accrue over time.

• 26:34Dan Harris?

  You literally took the words out of my brain. I was thinking interpersonal and intrapersonal hygiene. It's like a A haircut, you're just not letting it grow out.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it prevents conflict with other people, too, because it forces me to admit to myself like, oh, I've been withdrawing from this friend of mine because we have this dynamic that I don't love. And it just forces me to be like, all right, like, what do I actually want to do about this? Do I want to talk to them? Do I want to end the relationship? Do I want to get over it? What can I do here that has a little more integrity than just avoiding? Because avoiding is one of my old behaviors that has caused a lot of problems in my past.

• 27:15Dan Harris?

  Yeah, but it is so seductive. I mean, I find myself sliding into the warm bath of avoidance all the time.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, so tempting. It's really my go to like, oh, could I just not do anything and deal with it that way? Yum. But it just causes more problems down the road. I've seen it in my own life over and over again.

• 27:37Dan Harris?

  Okay, now, as promised, we're going to get into Melissa's five steps for rewriting your story. We have covered some of these, but my experience, I suspect you would share this view when it comes to personal development. Repetition is your friend. So first step, from what I'm seeing, easier said than done, but it is to become aware of the story you're telling about yourself.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's right. I think the first step is just looking, like, stop acting. I am like a person who is very busy. I like to be in action. I've been told that I'm a human doing, not a human being. And so for me, the key is like, stop, stop doing and just look, right? And for me, because I'm a writer, I like to write it out. And this is not writing a memoir. This is like just writing in my journal, which I think is a good tool for this. Not required. Talking through it with another person can be really helpful. I think externalizing it is useful because then we actually can like, look at it. But in any case, the main sort of meat of this step is just sort of.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  Telling ourself what we've been telling ourself, but with awareness. So here's the way I see this part of my life, where I see this area, whether it's work, or it's dating, or it's my relationship with a parent, or with a child. This orb for me with exercise was a big one for me. What is the story? What is my relationship to this? And what's been happening? And just sort of lay it out and then actually look at it. And think, okay, can I just look at this as a person who's divested a bit from it being true? And just kind of critically read it, maybe for the first time? So I think that's pretty much step one.

• 29:32Dan Harris?

  And thank you for saying this. I should have said it earlier. This process of, you know, becoming aware of your stories does not require writing a memoir, which is a Titanic pain in the ass, as you and I both know. You know, it could be journaling. It could be, you didn't say it here, but I believe you've said in the past, it could be voice notes, voice memos. It could be talking to a friend. It's just trying to get some sort of, to the best of your ability, journalistic take on what your inner tails are.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  I think that's the key, the journalistic take, to just be like, can I look at this sort of coldly without my emotional attachment to it? And just see what is the narrative that I'm holding here? And let me take a look at it.

• 30:14Dan Harris?

  Okay, so step number two is conducting an audit. What does that mean?

• 30:19Speaker 03

  So this is basically the inventory, right? This is sort of what actually happened? Whether it's in the past or it's ongoing, can I actually describe what happened in a way that is separate from that narrative? Like, slow down and try to fill in the pieces that have been missing. And we might need some questions for this. Like, that's why then the inventory that I use in my 12-step work has questions. Because if I just ask myself, like, Did I do anything today that I should think about? I'm very happy to be like, I don't think so. But if I ask myself, did you tell any lies today? That's very specific, right?

• 31:03Speaker 03

  And I'll be like, oh, you know what? I actually gave some false praise to a bunch of people today because I was just schmoozing or what? You know what I mean? And like, maybe that's okay, but I don't love it. So this is good to come up with some questions, maybe ahead of time. Some good questions are, how was I complicit in my experience? What are the choices that I made here? How have I been making them? Am I letting anyone else off the hook? Who is accountable for their own behaviors? What am I avoiding? Maybe what is the lie I've been telling myself? In my inventories, it's always what is the lie? What is the truth? Those are the last questions I answer for myself. What is the lie I've been telling myself?

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Which sounds presumptuous, right? But I will say that almost every time I've asked myself that question, I already know. Like, I already know there's something I'm leaving out. Because it's always the same kind of thing. It's like I'm blaming other people when I am the person who keeps volunteering or choosing something. I'm acting like something has been compulsory when actually I'm choosing it. That's usually the thing for me, right? Or I'm telling myself I'm doing something for one reason when actually it's another. Like, I have this past experience I referred to earlier where I told myself for years that I exercised a lot because I was a really healthy person. Like, I was exercising for my health. And I wasn't.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  I was exercising because of the way it made me feel psychologically, right? And I actually compromised my body in many ways by doing that. So sometimes you have to dig a little bit to get to this, but sometimes you don't. Sometimes it's right there and it's really obvious. And the key here, I think, is to like, think about yourself like another person. Sometimes when I'm trying to see something I'm missing in my own behavior or experience, I think, what if one of my students or a friend of mine or my younger sibling came to me with this problem and described it as I've described it to myself? What would I see that they can't see? And sometimes that little mind trick works for me because it pops me out of my emotional attachment

• 33:14Speaker 03

  to how I've been framing things.

• 33:17Dan Harris?

  I have found very useful, you have a question in here, how was I complicit in my own experience? My executive coach, Jerry Colonna, often phrases it, how am I complicit in the conditions I claim I don't want?

• 33:28Speaker 03

  Yes, that is good.

• 33:30Dan Harris?

  It's really good. Having said that, what if you are somebody with, I don't know if I'm using the terminology correctly here, but low self-esteem, or you have a tendency to blame yourself to a catastrophic extent? Are questions like this perhaps not for you?

• 33:46Speaker 03

  No, I think the same questions actually apply because I think that's a story, right? I'm the worst. It's all my fault. I'm unlovable. Those things are almost never true. I would even say that they're probably never true. Like what happens between people intrapersonally is always a collaboration between the people. It's never just one person's fault, or very, very rarely, if ever so, right? And so I think the ways that someone with low self-esteem or a negative story about themselves is complicit is that they are heaping all the blame onto themselves.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  It's not all their fault. Sometimes they have to admit to themselves that other people are also playing a part in it. And maybe some work needs to be done in those relationships. Maybe the job needs to be changed. Maybe the lack of confidence is the problem here. Whether it's a positive story or a negative story, it's still a same problem of sort of scale and grandiosity, right? It's this black and white kind of thinking that is almost never sort of what actually holds the truth of a situation.

• 34:56Dan Harris?

  Friend of mine, her dad was in, having some struggles and really down on himself. And she baked him a cake and put the words fuck everyone on it.

• 35:07Dan Harris?

  Which I think helped get him out of, it's all my fault.

• 35:12Speaker 03

  It's really true. I mean, it's so painful, but there is a way that it's convenient to blame yourself. I have actually had this in the past. There were a few situations, both when I was a kid and then also when I was early in my teaching career, where I just didn't like the idea of being a victim. It felt vulnerable and scary to me. I didn't like the idea of someone else having control or power mistreating me. And so I had a story that it was my fault when that happened. Like, I had a colleague who was kind of a bully early in my career and she would make these kind of like passive aggressive digs at me and do weird undermining competitive things. And for six months, maybe,

• 35:57Speaker 03

  I would say, I don't know, the energy is kind of weird between us, but maybe I'm not communicating myself clearly, or maybe I did something. And I had a therapist at the time that was like, I can see that you're really reluctant to admit that this person is mistreating you. But until you face up to that fact, you're not going to be able to change it or demand better behavior. It really comes out of experience that I say this, because only when we sort of put everyone's behavior where it actually goes and hold other people, everyone, all the adults in the room responsible for their own behavior, that's when we can really change the situation.

• 36:35Dan Harris?

  Can we sidebar for a second on something you said a couple of minutes ago about how you noticed giving out a lot of false praise? I find that terrifying, not only because I do it, but because how do you, as an individual, know what to believe about your work or your place in the world when people are giving out false praise as a kind of currency all the time?

• 36:55Speaker 03

  I know. It's really, really tough. I mean, it's really also the kind of plasma that we're all swimming in. I've had this conversation with other writers because like the people who review books are mostly writers. And so we're all kind of like in the mix, getting reviewed, reviewing each other's books. And like, it's really obvious that it sort of behooves everyone to just be nice all the time, right? But then you can't really trust anyone. I don't have a perfect answer for this, but what I do know is that The people I give false praise to, or the people who I suspect of giving it to me, they're like three rings out in terms of like my spheres of intimacy, right? They're not my close people.

• 37:35Speaker 03

  My close people who I talk to on the phone and spend actual time with and go to when I have a real question, these are people that I have cultivated real honesty with and where I know that they know that they can trust me not to punish them if they say something to me that's hard for me to hear. Cultivating at least that small cohort of people who are willing to tell you the thing that's gonna hurt. You know, and usually those are people I would say I love, where we have mutual intimacy and we love each other, right? Where the relationship can weather saying, I think you can do better. Or like, you know what? You weren't being your best self in that moment and like, I love you and I want you to be your best self.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  The people who I can sort of communicate with like that. As long as I have them, then I feel like the world isn't constructed of lies. But I still don't love the feeling of going out and being like, oh my God, I loved your book, which I haven't actually read. Like, you know, everybody does it at least a little bit and doesn't contribute to my self-esteem. I will say that.

• 38:40Dan Harris?

  No, it's a great thing to monitor. I'm glad you brought it up. Okay, so step one, become aware of the story. Step two, conduct an audit. Step three, revise your story to integrate new information.

• 38:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. Basically, in this part, we're filling in the holes of the things we've missed. We've done our inventory. We've asked ourselves the questions. Almost certainly, we've come up with some things that we've left out. Some part like I'm blaming myself all of the time when actually someone else at work has been mistreating me. Or I'm blaming my partners for being controlling, but actually I'm being overly accommodating before they're even asking me to do so. And I update that story. And so in my recent book, The Dry Season, I went through this process in a pretty explicit way during that year of celibacy. This was way before I was writing a memoir about it. When I went and did the inventory, I thought, oh, wow.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  I've been pursuing and seducing people that aren't actually great matches for me because I like how it feels. I like the psychological high. And then once I'm in relationships, I'm doing a lot of over-functioning, people-pleasing, kind of codependent behaviors. And then I'm feeling suffocated and miserable and like the other person's trying to control me and I have no choice but to break up with them and run away from them. And the story I'd been telling myself, if you remember, was that I was a great partner and I worked so hard in my relationships and I had this huge emotional vocabulary, like, what was wrong with these people? So I fill in the holes and I think, you know what? I do work really hard at relationships, but I work really hard at jobs that no one is

• 40:22Speaker 03

  asking me to do and then actually compromise who I am and hide what I actually need in order to have a sustainable, happy relationship. And so I had to really update this story, which was pretty aggrandizing. And the new story was that I was actually quite codependent. I was sort of capitulating and manipulating people, trying to avoid conflict and appear perfect, and it was totally sinking my relationships. And there was good stuff in there, too. I was a thoughtful partner. I did work hard, but the sort of toiling at the center of my dynamic was actually preventing real intimacy from happening.

• 41:02Speaker 03

  And so I had this very new story, which was much less flattering, but showed a lot of room for improvement, which was good news.

• 41:12Dan Harris?

  Yes, which brings us to the to do list.

• 41:14Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 41:15Dan Harris?

  We'll talk about that in a second, but I do want to reference something you say or that I'm reading about you in my notes in front of me, which is actually, this is where even though I can't stress strongly enough, nobody has to write a memoir if they don't want to. Treating yourself as a character in your own book can be really helpful.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know if you've had this experience. I'm interested to hear if you have, but I think it's like when we're walking around and telling ourselves the narrative of our lives, we're totally blended with that character. But when I'm writing a memoir, I want it to make sense to other people. I don't want my readers to see things that I don't see about myself, which means I have to get to like a higher level of self-awareness than maybe I hold myself to in my daily life. And so I really have to look at it as if I was reading someone else's story and thinking, what does this person not see? What is this person missing? And what could she do differently to have a different experience? And it's pretty surprising because there is always something like our friends come to

• 42:19Speaker 03

  us and they complain about the same things and we tell them what we see, but it's so careful and loving, you know? But you can see them really clearly. You can be like, well, if they just stopped picking these unavailable people, or if they just stopped volunteering to pick up extra shifts, they wouldn't be so tired all the time, you know? It's usually pretty obvious. And I think the tricky part isn't recognizing the thing that we're not seeing. The tricky part is looking at it, objectifying ourselves, like looking at ourselves like a character, looking at ourselves as if we were someone else who was not sort of wed to the story we're telling ourselves about it. You can't just flip a switch, right? I think it really is sort of like, you kind of have to go through the process that we're talking about here, right?

• 43:04Speaker 03

  And I do think for me, externalizing it is really helpful because when I'm reading my notes, I'm literally looking at something else. It's not me, I'm over here reading. So it's something I've gotten better at over the years of writing, but I don't know. When you're writing, do you ever have moments where you're like, oh, man, Dan really messed up here or like, wow, he really could have like handled that one differently or something as you're writing the story?

• 43:32Dan Harris?

  Yeah, I can't emphasize enough, I'm actually a pretty inexperienced writer and I didn't write my first book until. My early 40s and I'm in my mid 50s now, so I'm pretty new to this. And I've spent eight years on my memoir, which hopefully fucking comes out sometime in the next 18 months. It's been a nightmare. And what has allowed me to have some scintilla of optimism about the fact that it might come out is a very good friend of mine. I've been writing these like drafts that are crazily long and boring and stupid and no structure. And a friend of mine, Jonathan Glick, came in and really helped me clean it up.

• 44:14Dan Harris?

  And he will often, I was talking to him yesterday because he'll just check in on me, I'll send him a chapter. And he'll often say like, what is your character thinking in this moment? And just those words, what is your character thinking? Is really helpful and I think could be scalable from writing a memoir to

• 44:30Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 44:31Dan Harris?

  journaling and thinking about how to do life better, your own life.

• 44:34Speaker 03

  That is such a good tip. Yeah, I feel like, you know, the meat of a memoir class and any creative writing class is sort of everyone reading one person's work and commenting on it. And in my classes, I'm very strict about everyone has to refer to the narrator as the character and never by the writer's name or you. We're always talking about the character, the mother character, the brother character, the partner, you know? And it's been such great conditioning for me because then when I go to my own work, and I know this happens for my students too. Then I'm thinking the character, right? And it's actually worked sort of in this amazing, almost like a kind of a crystal ball in a way. I remember I was writing my second book once.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  I was in this horrible relationship, but I was like really trying to make it work. And I was writing the story of it in a memoir and I was trying to write it into a happy ending. And I was trying to live it into a happy ending too. It was terrible. It was never going to work out, but I did not know that yet. And as I was writing, I was just fully in the process, you know, like really forgot about sitting in the chair, was just working. The way that people imagine writing always feels, but how it almost never feels. And I had this moment where I was like, oh my God. This character really needs to end this relationship. This is never going to work out. And then I stopped and I was like, weird. That's so funny because I am clearly going to ride this thing into the sunset.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  And I went back to trying to force it, but it got in there like a little seed of it. And of course, when it didn't work out, I was like, oh, interesting. The writer brain could see the truth while the person living it wasn't ready yet.

• 46:10Dan Harris?

  Yep. Funny how that works.

• 46:15Dan Harris?

  Coming up, Melissa Phibos talks about the last two steps for rewriting your story. Plus, we get into some examples of how she applied all five steps in her own life.

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• 47:02Dan Harris?

  Okay, step number four. So, once you've revised your story, you need to decide how you want to be different. So, this is the aforementioned to-do list.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is where the rubber really sort of meets the road. When we've sort of filled in the blanks, we understand where we have agency, what we are actually doing that's participating in creating our own experience. We are an active player now. We're not a victim. Things haven't just been happening to us. We've been collaborating in them in some way, whether it's the story we've been telling ourselves that it's all our fault, or a behavior that we're doing that is contributing to whatever outcome we want to change. I think the key here is that we can't just stop doing something. I think this is a mistake. A lot of people sort of get to this point kind of intuitively or through their self-help

• 47:56Speaker 03

  books or whatever, and they think, all right, I just need to stop doing this thing. But I have never been able to just stop doing something, especially not when it's wedged into my life in a really integral way. I have to replace it with something like immediately. The vacuum will just suck the old behavior right back into its place. And so I think some strategies that I've used for changing behavior and replacing one behavior with another are having little index cards, making a list of index cards with the behaviors I want to change on one side and what I want to replace them with on the other side. And like choosing one every morning and choosing to just try to cultivate awareness of when I'm doing one and then try to replace it with the other.

• 48:41Speaker 03

  It's very simple, but it's really, really worked for me. The other thing is to think ahead and really look at sort of our days. Like, who am I going to interact with at work? When are the opportunities for me to do things the old way going to crop up? And to not leave myself in a position where I'm going to have to react in the moment because I'm going to do the old thing in the moment. That's just how it works. You know, my neural pathways are all arranged for me to do the old thing. So for me, it's really helpful to think ahead, even write out a little script for myself. If it's a communicative sort of interactive thing. I've done this with family things that I wanted to change, where there was a particular dynamic or a kind of interaction

• 49:26Speaker 03

  that I was always having in my family that left me feeling miserable afterwards. And I have written out a little script of the new thing I want to say is like, I need to take some alone time from the family so that I can enjoy the time we spend together or something like that. Right? And I think of very simple, very straightforward. I memorize it. I bring it into the situation and I just say it as many times as I need to. And really sort of setting myself up for success and not just flinging myself into a situation hoping I'm just going to do it differently, but to really plan ahead. And I think, you know, I hate doing this, but it's really helpful. Doing role plays with people. I was terrible at breaking up with people for most of my life. The people I was breaking up with would always talk me out of it.

• 50:11Speaker 03

  And somehow I would end up still in the relationships I wanted to end like it was a nightmare. I would hurt people way more doing it my way, which was avoidant. Once I started doing role plays with this one friend of mine, figuring out exactly what I was going to say, I would go into the conversation and I would actually have the outcome that I wanted. Right. And role playing is so cringey. It's really uncomfortable, but it actually does work because it builds a frame of reference that we can draw upon when we're in the actual situation. You know, they say in recovery, people, places and things are the things that sort of trigger you when it comes to addictive behaviors. And the way that sober people deal with that is they plan ahead. They bring, even now, I'm like 21 years sober.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  I still always bring a six pack of seltzer to the party because I want something to drink. And now it's not because I think I'm going to drink if I don't have it. It's just because I want something yummy. But when I was first getting sober, I just needed something in my hand. Right. So that I wouldn't pick up something else. Right. And just planning ahead, bringing a friend, writing a script, having your little index cards, whatever works, people can come up with their own strategies, but sort of having a little system in place for how we're going to replace the old behavior with a new behavior.

• 51:26Dan Harris?

  All of that makes complete sense. I was just going to say that, and I've mentioned this many times on the show. So some listeners will have heard me say this, but I've been working for six or seven years with communications coaches, which should be a much more common thing than it is because communication is the main unit of exchange in human affairs and nobody really teaches us how to do it. I hate doing it too, but they force me to practice conversations. And then when I get into them, I can execute them much more skillfully.

• 51:55Speaker 03

  It's really amazing. I mean, I couldn't agree more. I feel like I wish I could just assign people communication coaches. It's like all the English professors that I work, you know, it's like people just don't, we don't learn, we just communicate the way we learned in our families, you know? And we all have these very different ways of communicating. So it's no wonder that it goes sideways so often. But yeah, that's really interesting. Good for you.

• 52:21Dan Harris?

  I didn't do it because of saintly impulse. I did it because I got feedback that I was being a schmuck. So.

• 52:28Speaker 03

  We almost never do, but still a lot of people don't take action. Sometimes people hear you're being a schmuck and they're like, no, you're a schmuck. And they don't do anything. So I think it takes a lot of character to hear people and take action.

• 52:41Dan Harris?

  Just to be clear, my initial response was no, you're a schmuck.

• 52:46Dan Harris?

  Everything came slowly.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Also very common, I think.

• 52:51Dan Harris?

  Okay. So the fifth step, and you say this is a step that people often leave out, but is crucial, is to share with trusted others.

• 53:00Speaker 03

  I think that's the thing. It's almost like our national ethos in many ways. We want to do things alone. We want to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and change. I understand it. I relate to that. I was religiously self-sufficient for a really long time. Change, this whole process, admitting that something's wrong, admitting that you need to change, trying and failing. These are incredibly vulnerable experiences, right? I would very, very much like to do them in total privacy and have no one witnessing me making mistakes or admitting to making mistakes or trying and failing or resorting to my old ways and then having

• 53:44Speaker 03

  to recover. Like, it's so embarrassing to have someone see you in that kind of space. We're not really taught how to manage that, but it is so hard to do this alone. We're really not meant to, and it just doesn't work. Every single course of change I have tried to take in my life, I tried to do it alone first and failed. Every single thing I have ever needed to change about myself, truly tried to do it alone, failed miserably, usually a bunch of times. I was like, I'll figure it out and just failing over and over again. And now finally, I think I've been humbled enough by my experience that I know to bring other people into the process with me.

• 54:26Speaker 03

  And hopefully I have people in my life that I trust enough to be like, hey, I'm really struggling with something and I think I want to change it and I need to talk to somebody about that. Are you available? Maybe it's a therapist. It's kind of ideal if you can pay someone to be that person. But I've also found it's really, really so much easier to create lasting change in yourself, in your life, inside of a community. It is community work. And the beautiful thing is that it's mostly been my experience that when I share these kinds of struggles with other people, they identify with me. I mean, look at this conversation we've been having, like, there's been so much identification. And these are all things I couldn't even say out loud for a really long time because I was so mortified about them.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  I felt like such a failure. I felt like it might just be me. So there's just very rarely going to be something that we're alone in or that other people aren't going to relate to. And when I let other people into my process of change, I develop community. It binds me closer to those people. It deepens those relationships. Like, it really only does good. It's just sort of surmounting that initial resistance to it because I just want to, when I failed or I'm scared, I just want to go hide and lick my wounds. I don't want anybody looking at me at all, but I really have never been able to do this alone.

• 55:51Speaker 03

  So whether it's like a group, like a formal group, like a 12-step group, trust me, there's a program for everyone, or it could just be a group of friends, or just one friend, or a therapist, a partner and a friend, the more, the merrier, for sure. But at least letting one other person into the process who we can really be honest with about it has been absolutely the, like, deciding factor for me in a lot of situations.

• 56:19Dan Harris?

  I think you've answered this question, but a lot of people may be at home wondering, you know, what do you do if you don't have trusted others? And I think your answer is you can pay a shrink, or if that's too expensive, 12-step is free. And they have a program for everything and they're all over the place.

• 56:36Speaker 03

  They really do. And there are all sorts of, we're social animals, right? Even if we're people who have a tendency towards isolation, as I do. When I'm struggling, I want to isolate from other people, but we are instinctively drawn to move together, right? We are stronger together. And so whether it's 12 step or some other kind of group, there are so many different kinds of support groups. My dad is struggling with a degenerative memory disorder right now. He has like three different groups, a creativity group, a support group, another kind of activity group. Whatever it is that we're struggling with, there are so many other people who are struggling with it. We just have to find them. You know, the internet is such an incredible resource for this.

• 57:20Speaker 03

  There are so many chat rooms and Zoom groups and whatever it is you're struggling with, there is a group. But I would also just encourage people, if you don't have folks that you have this kind of intimate relationship with, the only thing you have to do is initiate it. You have people in your life, start the conversation. The worst thing that can happen is it doesn't take off. And like, that's disappointing, but it's not the end of the world. And I think the odds of success are much greater than we think. All we have to do is share a part of ourselves that is vulnerable. And that invites the other person to do so. Creating intimacy is just something we do by communicating, by sharing ourselves with others.

• 58:03Dan Harris?

  I completely agree. I had a interviewee recently, Dr. Ingrid Clayton, I believe her name was. She said something that's been rattling around in my brain, which is that wounding happens in relationships. Healing also happens in relationships and

• 58:17Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 58:18Dan Harris?

  You just made a strong case for it.

• 58:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:20Dan Harris?

  Okay, so given what a skilled storyteller you are, you've actually planted several narrative threads throughout the course of this conversation, which I now want to follow up on as we draw or vector toward our conclusion here. You've talked about the stories you were telling yourself at work and in your family and in relation to exercise and in relation to your relationships. And I'm curious, where's all of that sit or stand? What's the right verb there now?

• 58:54Speaker 03

  I am in multiple places of recovery. I often like to joke that I get rid of my compulsions in the order that they're going to kill me, like in their order of lethality, right? And so I had to deal with like the heroin and cocaine first, and then I moved on to like disordered eating issues, and then I've moved through relationship issues, money issues, chronic pain, obsessive exercise, workaholism. I mean, it really just goes on and on. Honestly, I don't quite know what comes next because I have just come off of a period of huge change in my relationship to my body and chronic pain, kind of over the pandemic and since then.

• 59:38Speaker 03

  But what I will say is that I have been at such a low point in all of these experiences, in terms of my health, in terms of my romantic relationships, in terms of my work life, and in terms of like multiple kinds of addiction, where it really felt helpless, where I really thought, I will die of this. I will never get out of this. I will be unhappy for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do. And I went through some version of what we've talked about here. I've often ended up writing books about it afterwards, but usually I went through the process of change, and then I went through the process again, writing a memoir about it. And I am on the other side of every single one of those experiences. I don't struggle

• 1:00:21Speaker 03

  with any of the things that I have struggled with in the past, things that plagued me for years and years and years. So I am like living proof that this actually works. You hear sometimes when you're out there, people say the phrase, like, people don't change. People say that all the time, and nothing has been less true in my experience. Like, sometimes people don't change for a long time. Sometimes people never change. But if people want to change, they absolutely can. They can change almost any aspect of themselves or their lives. I really, truly believe that.

• 1:00:55Dan Harris?

  I used to be an obsessive record shopper back when records and CDs were, you know, before.

• 1:01:00Speaker 03

  I was gonna ask, because I see the records behind you.

• 1:01:03Dan Harris?

  Yes, yes. These are all from the 90s, back when I was a young person and back when records and CDs were like, things you had to buy before streaming services. And there was a sign at Newbury Comics, my favorite record store in Boston, Massachusetts.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  Oh, are you from Massachusetts?

• 1:01:19Dan Harris?

  Yeah, I'm from Newton, Massachusetts. Are you?

• 1:01:20Speaker 03

  Oh, interesting. I know Newton really well. I grew up on the Cape, but my mom used to split her time between the Cape and Newton, so I know it really well. I was at JP Licks last summer, so, yeah.

• 1:01:30Dan Harris?

  The ice cream store. So, where on the Cape?

• 1:01:34Speaker 03

  Uh, Falmouth.

• 1:01:35Dan Harris?

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:01:36Speaker 03

  Sorry, you were saying Newbury Comics?

• 1:01:38Dan Harris?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was fun to learn. Newbury Comics, they had a sign over the door that listed upcoming releases and then the, some clever clerk wrote, "All dates can change, so can you." That always stuck with me.

• 1:01:53Speaker 03

  I love that. I love that.

• 1:01:56Dan Harris?

  Okay, so you, I just wanna drill down just one click on your various personal narratives. So, in dry season is about a year of celibacy, but you did mention a wife, so you have gotten married. So, there seems like a happy-ish ending there, at least.

• 1:02:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, there is a happy ending there. I, um, I was a serial monogamist for many years, but none of my relationships lasted longer than like two, at the very outside three years, and that was sort of my whole adult life. And then I spent this year basically doing what I've described here, and I developed a new sort of blueprint for relationships. I was like, this is actually the person I want to be in relationships. I want to take accountability for what I actually want and need, and not be following some script that I didn't choose, that doesn't really have anything to do with me. And at the end of that year, I met my future wife. And of course, like, the hard work of actually being a different

• 1:02:52Speaker 03

  person happened in the context of that relationship, and was really messy and scary and difficult at times. But we've been together for almost nine years now, and married for five, and it's a really happy relationship, and... I plan to be with her forever. So it really is. I mean, it was almost like too tidy in the book. In the first version of the book, I told my editor, look, I'm not going to write about my marriage. I'm not going to put my wife at the end. It's like a tidy little bow. And she was like, what are you talking about? That's literally what happened. Like you have to put it in there. So I ended up doing that, but I didn't want that to be the point because I really did want it to be about the process of change of like hitting this kind of reckoning

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  point and deciding to do something different and really taking the time to sort of learn how to live differently and be honest with myself about who I was. Like that was really the focus. It wasn't on the outcome, but you know, the outcome was also amazing. Like I kind of can't believe that it worked out the way it did, but it has.

• 1:03:52Dan Harris?

  Awesome.

• 1:03:52Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:03:53Dan Harris?

  And then I'm just curious. So you had this period of time where your back pain was overwhelming. And then you realize it's because you were over exercising. So where are you? What's your exercise habit look like now?

• 1:04:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. So I was a long distance runner for a really long time, probably from 16 until I was almost 40. I would run 10 miles at a shot and it got really bad in the sort of early pandemic. I was running upwards of 50 miles a week and kind of training for a marathon that was never happening, you know? And then I got a horrible sciatica and it took me a while to figure it out, but I had really violently ruptured one of my spinal discs from running. And I just had chronic pain for months and couldn't figure it out and was still running through it early on. I really missed having surgery just, just

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  barely. And anyway, it's a long story, but I just sort of came to the conclusion that it wasn't just that I was like a healthy oriented person. It was that my main mode. Of dealing with stress was running and I was doing it to such an extent that I was really abusing my body. I don't run anymore. I don't run at all anymore. And I had to go through a kind of grieving period about that, but also I definitely ran a lifetime's worth by the time I was 40. Like, I got my mileage in. And now I do like much more sort of balanced, like, middle-aged lady things, like Pilates and walking briskly uphill and weight training.

• 1:05:27Speaker 03

  So I still do get my like endorphins flowing, but I actually am oriented towards exercising for my health now. And it's okay. I'm into it. I get my thrills elsewhere. Or maybe I don't get thrills anymore, but I'm actually happy and it's worth it.

• 1:05:43Dan Harris?

  Well, this has been great. Is there anything that you were hoping we would get to that we didn't?

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  No, this felt really comprehensive and fun and went really fast. I feel like we got it all in there. How about you?

• 1:05:54Dan Harris?

  I feel great about it. Yeah, you've done awesome here. Can I get you, though, to, you've referenced the dry season, but can you just give us the full bibliography before we let you go?

• 1:06:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, sure. So my first book was a memoir called Whip Smart, which was about the three and a half years that I spent working as a professional dominatrix and a time during which I also recovered from heroin addiction. Then I wrote a book called Abandon Me, which was about a lot of things, but it included an emotionally abusive relationship and having a sea captain for a father. And my third book was Girlhood, a collection of linked essays that look at adolescence and sort of use my experience of adolescence as a kind of touchstone to look at how experiences that we have during that time sort of play out over the rest of our lives. And then I wrote a book called Bodywork, The Radical Power

• 1:06:47Speaker 03

  of Personal Narrative, which is all about writing memoir. If you are someone who is interested in memoir and do want to conduct this process through that form, this is definitely the book for you. And then finally, I wrote about the dry season, which was my year of celibacy that led to my marriage.

• 1:07:05Dan Harris?

  Amazing. How did you lose your Boston accent?

• 1:07:08Speaker 03

  Oh, I never had a super strong Boston accent. Neither of my parents are from Massachusetts. They're both from Jersey. So I'll have like random words that I say in a Boston way. And then I'll have random words that I say in a Jersey way. Although the other day, my wife, I always claim I don't have a Boston accent. And then my wife was like, I don't know. I'm going to point it out the next time I hear something. And she got me the other day and it was extraordinary. That's an extraordinary book. And she was like, I'm pretty sure that's a Massachusetts way of saying it. How about you?

• 1:07:42Dan Harris?

  I was a news anchor for 30 years, so I don't, it's all gone. And my dad was from Jersey. My mother was a kind of upper crusty North Shore Boston lady who didn't have much of an accent. So, yeah, but all the guys I grew up with, all the people I grew up with have ridiculous accents.

• 1:07:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know if you have it too, but like when I was growing up, I didn't want it. And I sort of had like a now kind of embarrassing like superiority. Like I don't really have it, but all these other people do. But now I absolutely love and borderline fetishize. Like I love watching movies with Boston accent. Any movie that takes place in New England, I'm on it. There is something like super comforting and delightful about it to me now, so.

• 1:08:23Dan Harris?

  Yes, yes, but most of them fuck it up. It's unless it's Matt Damon or Ben Affleck, like it's horrible to watch.

• 1:08:30Speaker 03

  Oh, I know. They're so good at it because it's, it's real.

• 1:08:34Dan Harris?

  Yes.

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  I know, I know, it's true.

• 1:08:38Dan Harris?

  Well, this has been a pleasure. Thank you very much for doing it.

• 1:08:40Speaker 03

  Oh, the pleasure is all mine and thank you. I am a big fan of the podcast for actual real praise, not false praise. I actually really do love it. Like my wife and I actually discovered you over the pandemic. You had this like meditation teacher come on and do this meditation. That life was so stressful at that time. We listened to it every single day for like a year and a half. So, yeah, actually a fan. And yeah, it's been an honor. So, thank you.

• 1:09:12Dan Harris?

  Thanks again to Melissa Phibos. Really enjoyed talking to her. Don't forget, it's not too late to get involved with our free New Year's Meditation Challenge. Seven progressive guided meditations led by my friend Joseph Goldstein, really a masterclass in Buddhist meditation, which is good for beginners and experienced meditators alike. You can sign up over at danharris.com. There you will find instructions for downloading my new app, 10% with Dan Harris. Head on over to danharris.com and get the app and join the Meditation Challenge. It's free. And if you sign up, you'll get a 30-day free trial to check out everything we're doing on the app. Finally, just want to thank everybody who worked so hard on this show. Our producers are Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasili.

• 1:09:57Dan Harris?

  Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our managing producer. Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer. DJ Cashmere is our executive producer. And Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme.

• 1:10:19Speaker 02

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