Oprah Explores the Rising Trend of Going No Contact with Your Family

In a groundbreaking conversation about one of the fastest-growing cultural shifts of our time: Oprah talks with leading experts and a live audience about the decision to go “no contact” with a family member. It’s estimated one third of Americans have cut off ties or is estranged from their family. Once considered taboo, family estrangement is now being openly discussed by people of all ages who are redefining what healthy boundaries look like in family relationships. In this revealing episode, Oprah and best-selling psychologists unpack this rising trend of people distancing themselves from parents, siblings, or relatives they consider toxic. Adult children and parents who have chosen to go "no contact” share their stories and their reasons behind this difficult decision. Oprah and the audience explore the emotional, cultural and psychological issues behind the movement - ranging from trauma and generational patterns to mental-health awareness and the expanded definition of abuse. BUY THE BOOK! DR. JOSHUA COLEMAN - RULES OF ESTRANGEMENT https://amzn.to/45uDXZp DR. LINDSAY GIBSON - ADULT CHILDREN OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD: https://amzn.to/4w2X33z NEDRA GLOVER TAWWAB - DRAMA FREE & THE BALANCING ACT https://amzn.to/4pNxr9z https://amzn.to/4fquQ1O Chapters: 00:01:00 - One-third of Americans are going no contact—what it means 00:02:00 - Younger generations choosing no contact for mental health 00:02:50 - Guest: Dr. Joshua Coleman, Rules of Estrangement 00:03:40 - How the concept of family has shifted 00:06:27 - Guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents 00:09:30 - How to tell if a parent is emotionally immature 00:10:25 - Guest: Nedra Tawwab, Drama Free 00:12:20 - Dr. Coleman on his daughter cutting contact 00:14:22 - Chris shares going no contact 00:18:48 - Why Chris made the decision 00:19:30 - Talking to kids about going no contact 00:23:04 - What kids learn from cutting off difficult relatives 00:24:39 - Bristyl shares her no-contact story 00:26:20 - Will the longing for a mother–daughter bond fade? 00:29:00 - Expanded definitions of harm, neglect, trauma, abuse 00:30:00 - Bree shares her no-contact choice 00:33:37 - Is forgiveness possible? 00:37:26 - Christy shares her daughter’s estrangement 00:39:40 - Do some estranged kids lack conflict resolution skills? 00:43:20 - Kendall on going no contact with her adult son 00:44:50 - Why parents are criticized for going no contact 00:47:20 - Aaron shares his daughter cut ties with him 00:53:25 - Have we gone too far? 00:54:48 - The one thing that can save your family relationship 00:58:10 - There are separate realities in every family 01:00:17 - Hadley shares her experience as a hospice nurse 01:05:00 - Why Hadley went no contact 01:09:00 - Parent child dynamic has shifted from role to relationship Follow Oprah Winfrey on Social: https://www.instagram.com/oprahpodcast/ https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey/ Listen to the full podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/0tEVrfNp92a7lbjDe6GMLI https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-oprah-podcast/id1782960381

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:29Speaker 01

  Today officially marks one year of no contact with my parents.

• 0:33Speaker 02

  I've been basically fully no contact with my parents for the last three-plus years.

• 0:37Speaker 03

  We're talking about the rapidly growing epidemic of estranged children who walk away from their parents. What are they protecting themselves from?

• 0:46Speaker 01

  You know what? I'm over it. I'm over the idea that parents are supposed to sit around in emotional timeout until our kids decide we're worthy again.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  And when somebody new in my life finds out that I've been no contact with them, without failure, the number-one thing that they tell me is, "But they're still your mom."

• 1:06Oprah Winfrey?

  Hi, everybody. It is my pleasure to welcome you to the Oprah Podcast. We are here in New York City with a live audience of our listeners. Hello, New York. Hello, New York. Hello, New York. So maybe you all can relate in some way to this growing phenomenon known as going no contact. That's when a person cuts off ties to someone in their family. A Cornell University study now shows that almost one-third of Americans are, one-third, are actively estranged from a family member. That is incredible to me.

• 1:50Oprah Winfrey?

  I want to ask a few people in our audience to help us understand what that means. So Bristol, go ahead.

• 1:55Speaker 05

  I have been no contact with my entire family for a year and a half now.

• 2:01Oprah Winfrey?

  No contact?

• 2:02Speaker 05

  No contact.

• 2:03Oprah Winfrey?

  Not a phone call, not a text, not a nothing?

• 2:05Speaker 05

  Nothing.

• 2:06Oprah Winfrey?

  For a year, year and a half now, okay? Chris, how about you?

• 2:09Speaker 06

  It's been four years since I've had contact with my parents and my siblings.

• 2:12Oprah Winfrey?

  Four years. Not a word?

• 2:15Speaker 06

  Not a word.

• 2:16Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. And Kendall?

• 2:19Speaker 05

  I've been no contact with my 30-year-old son for two years.

• 2:23Oprah Winfrey?

  By your choice?

• 2:23Speaker 05

  By choice.

• 2:25Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, so some experts believe that there's been a shift in how younger generations protect their mental health and their boundaries, or have an expanded view of what is considered abuse. And that has led to a silent epidemic. So, social media has millions of videos with the hashtag #NoContact from adult children who say that their parent or their sibling is toxic, and they've had enough. So, what is going on? So, we gathered leading experts, leading experts, and people with different experiences and points of view on this issue, including parents whose adult children have cut them off.

• 3:08Oprah Winfrey?

  And we'll hear from other adult children who chose to go no contact with their parents. I know this is a tender, hot-button topic. My hope is that we can open up the heart space and really listen. I'm not on anybody's side. I just want to hear what everyone has to say. So, let's start by introducing Dr. Joshua Coleman, who's a psychologist and bestselling author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Now, he's a frequent contributor to the Washington Post column, "Ask a Therapist." Welcome, Dr. Coleman.

• 3:44Speaker 05

  Thank you for having me.

• 3:45Oprah Winfrey?

  So, is this a new thing? Because, I mean, for many, many, many years of doing shows and talking to families from all over the country and the world, when there's a crisis, people just sort of figured it out or came together at Thanksgiving and had a big fight? But is this new?

• 4:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, there's always been estrangements, right? Forever, there's been estrangements. But it's new, the way we think about family. There's been a radical change in the way that we think about family. The old days of "Honor thy mother and thy father," "Respect thy elders," "Families forever," has given way to this much more of an emphasis on personal happiness, personal growth, my identity, my political beliefs, my mental health.

• 4:29Speaker 05

  So much so that today, protecting my mental health is the single most common thing that I see in every single letter from every estranged adult child.

• 4:37Oprah Winfrey?

  And has this been exacerbated, or has this increased because of social media?

• 4:42Speaker 05

  Oh, there's no question. Absolutely. Yeah, because you've got 2 billion hashtags, toxic family. And everybody's got a, you know, if you line up and you're an estranged parent, you're gonna get onto a Facebook site. If you're an estranged adult child, you're gonna probably get onto Reddit or something like that. And you're gonna get support for your perspective. But these aren't people who actually know your parents or know your adult child. They're gonna kind of tell you what you want to hear. So there's this very inflammatory reaction that people have as a result of it. And partly that happens because we've become so divided as a society. People are kind of looking for their tribes. Because their tribes are, you know, they don't have them anymore. We're lonely, we're, we have rising rates of mental illness.

• 5:20Oprah Winfrey?

  But your tribe used to be your family.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  Your tribe used to be your family, exactly. And it still could if we figure out how to talk to each other.

• 5:27Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, it's so interesting because, you know, I've been talking to people for a number of years. And I remember back in the day, meaning 80s, 90s, the aughts, the very idea of having a disagreement with your family and the very idea of divorcing your parent or removing yourself from a toxic situation was a foreign concept to people. But now, it's like, common understanding.

• 5:53Speaker 05

  It's common understanding, and it's also positioned as a sort of virtuous act of protecting our mental health. And you know what? Sometimes it is. There are truly abusive, difficult parents and family members. But there's a lot of people getting estranged today who aren't abusive, who are loving, decent, hardworking, loving, caring parents, and they're being cut off. And part of the problem is, as therapists, as I hope we'll talk about, because as therapists we become with the sociologists Alison Q. calls detachment brokers, where we help people not feel guilty about feeling responsible for our parents. That gets sort of pathologized as being codependent or parentified, or that kind of thing. And therapists are sort of greenlighting a lot of estranged, particularly when you use language like,

• 6:36Speaker 05

  "Oh, your mom's a narcissist," or "Your dad's a borderline," or "They're a sociopath," "They're gaslighting you," or "They're a boundary crosser." And once you say that to somebody, once you tell somebody that their parent or their family member or their child is that way, you've just greenlit them, cutting them off. Because now it's a virtuous act of protecting your mental health. I think that's a problem.

• 6:56Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. Dr. Lindsay Gibson is here, and she's a clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author of Adult Children of Emotionally In mature Parents. And I hear it has sold now over 2 million copies. And many people credit your book as the catalyst, actually, for this surge in adult children going no contact. Now, her upcoming book is How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child. So, Dr. Gibson, what is it that you were seeing in your own practice?

• 7:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. As a psychotherapist, what I was seeing was people coming in not identifying the problem as being with their parents or their family members. Usually, it was some other kind of stress. Could be work stress or friend stress, that kind of thing. And then about three or four sessions in, they would start talking about what was going on with the family. Um, it's sort of like their daily life stress. And from there, we would begin to get a picture of this old, underlying tension that had been going on for a long time with the family. But very few people, early in the day, would come in and say, "I have a problem with my mother,"

• 8:14Speaker 03

  or "I have a problem with my, my son." They would come in with some other life stress, and then we would get to the family issue.

• 8:21Oprah Winfrey?

  Is the family issue at the root of most things?

• 8:24Speaker 03

  Well, I don't know if it's at the root or whether it just resonates with what's going on now. It's, it's very hard to tell. But what I found was that the coping mechanisms that they had learned to use with their parents, when their parents were either trying to control them or, um, get them to do what they wanted, were being transferred to their current relationships or their work relationships.

• 8:53Oprah Winfrey?

  Could you give us some, um, factors that you believe make it necessary to protect somebody's emotional health by going no contact? I mean, when you say to someone, or do you say to them, "Perhaps you should go no contact"?

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't say that.

• 9:09Oprah Winfrey?

  You don't say that?

• 9:09Speaker 03

  I don't say that.

• 9:10Oprah Winfrey?

  Let them decide for themselves?

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Well, my job as a therapist is to help people...

• 9:14Oprah Winfrey?

  Come to their own conclusions.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  Well, not only... They come to their own conclusions, but I want them to be able to turn within and test out their own inner guidance. In other words, get back in touch with their own feelings and how things affect them. And lots of times when you've had a dominant parent, that ability to know what you actually feel and think has been messed with.

• 9:35Oprah Winfrey?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Okay?

• 9:36Oprah Winfrey?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  Because it becomes an issue of you love your parent by agreeing with what they see. So actually, no, I'm all about helping people to understand the dynamics of the relationship, how it's affecting them, and then they make the decision about what they want to do.

• 9:57Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, how do you talk to them about your emotionally immature parent? And how do you determine whether a parent is emotionally immature?

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. I really stay away from those terms in psychotherapy because I'm not there.

• 10:13Oprah Winfrey?

  You wrote a whole book about it.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  I did write the book.

• 10:17Oprah Winfrey?

  When I'm coming in, I'm coming to the lady. I'm coming to the lady who wrote the book about emotionally immature parents, okay?

• 10:24Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 10:25Oprah Winfrey?

  Whether you mention it or not in our session.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  Right. But when I'm talking with them in this session, I'm describing behavior. They're describing behavior, and we're talking about the effect of those behaviors on them. Down the road, you know, once they've read the book.

• 10:44Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  Then we might use that shorthand about emotional immaturity. But at the time, we're just trying to understand their subjective experience of that parent.

• 10:55Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. I want to bring in Nedra Goldberg to WAB. Nedra is a licensed therapist and a relationship expert known as the Boundary Queen on social media. And she's the author of the New York Times bestseller, Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. And her upcoming book is The Balancing Act: Creating Healthy Dependency and Connection Without Losing Yourself. Welcome. I see you nodding here, and you're nodding for both of them. So what does that mean?

• 11:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I think it's such a thin line between like what's appropriate and what's gone too far. Because as therapists, we do see our clients suffering. And as Lindsay mentioned, I don't say like you need to leave this relationship, but I might think like. I wonder how you will feel if you did. Because there's so much pain for so long.

• 11:49Oprah Winfrey?

  But you wrote, you wrote that no contact is not the first option as much as a last resort.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 11:55Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 11:56Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 11:57Oprah Winfrey?

  And when is it a last resort, do you think?

• 12:00Speaker 03

  I think when you've assessed whether the relationship is safe, if you can handle the consequences of actually leaving that relationship. It's our work to help our clients determine, is the relationship just toxic? Or is it annoying? Are these some behaviors we can live with, with people? Is it possible for us to have less contact instead of no contact? Have we set expectations? Are they even clear about a problem? Because sometimes we haven't talked to people about the problems we're talking about in therapy or with our friends. And they need to know in order for us to have a better relationship with them.

• 12:40Oprah Winfrey?

  So I think what's so interesting, Dr. Coleman, you lived through this with your own daughter.

• 12:45Speaker 05

  I did, yeah.

• 12:45Oprah Winfrey?

  Who cut off contact with you. She cut off contact with you for several years.

• 12:50Speaker 05

  For several years.

• 12:50Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. Tell us what this was like for you to go through this.

• 12:53Speaker 05

  Oh, it was hell. I was completely heartbroken. I was married and divorced in my twenties, and my daughter's in her forties now. We're blessedly very close, and she has a child that I'm also very close to. But, you know, she's in her early twenties, and she wanted to talk to me about what it was like growing up being in a blended family and how she felt, you know, after I became remarried and had kids from my second marriage, which is my current marriage. And, you know, how she felt in some ways neglected, or like I didn't really have her back, and in some ways unloved by me. Which is very, very painful to hear your own child say that. And at the time, of course, I responded defensively, angrily, explained myself, blamed other people. Yeah, and for some weird reason, it didn't really bring her back to me. I don't understand why.

• 13:38Speaker 05

  But so, it really wasn't until I realized I just needed to empathize with her and take responsibility and find the kernel of truth, if not the bushel of truth, in what her complaints were, that things really began to shift. Because up to that point... I was making it about me. And it was really about her and her suffering. But going through that, it was hell. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed.

• 14:00Oprah Winfrey?

  Did that inform your ability to write Rules of Estrangement? Did it?

• 14:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:05Oprah Winfrey?

  And was it harder for you? Because you're supposed to know.

• 14:09Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 14:09Oprah Winfrey?

  You're the person that's advising other families and other people about their lives. And in your own family, it happened to you.

• 14:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, I wrote my first book on the topic when parents hurt in 2007. And as it was, once we'd reconciled, I wouldn't have written this book if we hadn't reconciled. But once we'd reconciled, I wrote it. And as a result, got a really wide following of other parents who were going through it. And they all said the same thing, which is, I thought I was the only one. As a result of that, I did a study of 1,600 estranged parents and published that in that book. So yeah, it's been really my works for the past almost 20 years.

• 14:44Oprah Winfrey?

  Time for a quick break. Up next, adult children who have cut off contact with their parents and what led them to make this difficult decision. Stay with us.

• 14:53Speaker 03

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• 15:23Oprah Winfrey?

  Welcome back. We're about to hear from adult children who don't speak with a family member. It's now known as going no contact. If you think this is a conversation someone you love needs to hear, share the link to this episode with them. Let's get back to it. Well, we have a number of audience members who are going through this right now. So Chris and Bree, what's going on?

• 15:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, absolutely. So I grew up in a very performance-oriented household. It was attend an Ivy League school, get the money, the power, the status, be someone that we can feel proud of. And Bree very much did not come from that background.

• 16:00Oprah Winfrey?

  Did you have other siblings in the household too?

• 16:02Speaker 06

  I did. Yeah, I had two younger brothers.

• 16:03Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 16:03Speaker 06

  So I was the oldest, so I was trailblazing in that way.

• 16:06Oprah Winfrey?

  So tell us again, you've not had contacts with your parents now for four years?

• 16:09Speaker 06

  Four years, that's right.

• 16:10Oprah Winfrey?

  Is it parents and siblings?

• 16:11Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 16:12Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. Nobody in the family?

• 16:14Speaker 06

  There's some extended family, but not in the core family.

• 16:17Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 16:17Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 16:18Oprah Winfrey?

  All right.

• 16:18Speaker 06

  And so when Bree and I first got together... We very much felt like she was, remember my parents were apathetic towards her. They were not super interested in getting to know her and

• 16:29Oprah Winfrey?

  They didn't like her. Yeah.

• 16:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's the feeling that we got.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  That's the short answer.

• 16:33Speaker 06

  That's the feeling.

• 16:34Oprah Winfrey?

  They didn't like her. They didn't like her.

• 16:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, and the way that that really surfaced was what we perceived as a disinterest in getting to genuinely know her.

• 16:41Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 16:42Speaker 06

  And for, you know, while we started dating, so be it. But as it became clear that this was a real relationship, that this was an intense relationship, that we were in love. And I said, this is the woman I'm gonna marry.

• 16:54Oprah Winfrey?

  Uh huh.

• 16:55Speaker 06

  And as we moved into that more serious realm, it went from what we perceived as apathy to more of, we don't like this. And the way that that took form for us was my parents, we found through friends, were scheduling lunches to have conversation with my friends, where the topic was, we're worried about Chris, that was the first thing, and then it became, can we delay this engagement or can we?

• 17:20Oprah Winfrey?

  Asking your friends.

• 17:22Speaker 06

  Yes, and can we take this marriage off the table?

• 17:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Uh huh.

• 17:26Speaker 06

  In spite of that, we really worked hard to figure out what is our new family gonna look like going forward. Like, we're going to get married.

• 17:33Oprah Winfrey?

  So when you hear that they're conspiring with your friends, what'd you do?

• 17:38Oprah Winfrey?

  You have a conversation about it?

• 17:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, we have a conversation about it. I very much grew up in a house where, again, because of that performative aspect, it was also, there was a compliance aspect.

• 17:48Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 06

  And so frankly, something I've had to really work on and grow in is being comfortable in that conflict. And at the time, I wasn't really, I could bring that up, I'm unhappy with this, but am I gonna really pursue that? The answer's no.

• 17:59Oprah Winfrey?

  Uh huh.

• 18:00Speaker 06

  And so, you know, we got married, they were invited to our wedding, they were a part of that. And for a time, we were able to have this kind of tacit peace.

• 18:08Oprah Winfrey?

  Wasn't there something with the bridal shower? Or there's something, did she try to mess up the bridal? Yeah, yeah. Your mother-in-law did? Tried to mess up the bridal shower? Yeah.

• 18:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, and we were, we were trying to kind of construct a

• 18:20Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, that's a sign.

• 18:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's a sign for sure.

• 18:22Speaker 03

  That is one, yes.

• 18:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 18:24Speaker 06

  And, and where the tables really turned was when we found out that Bree was pregnant with our first daughter.

• 18:31Oprah Winfrey?

  And?

• 18:31Speaker 06

  And so, we, we were nervous, we called up my parents, we said, "This is what's going on." And we were profoundly hurt by what we were met with, which was disappointment. And-

• 18:42Oprah Winfrey?

  They were disappointed that she was pregnant?

• 18:44Speaker 06

  That's right.

• 18:44Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 18:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, they, they, the way that we perceived it is that they were expressing that this wasn't the pace that they expected us to move at. And we had already gotten married before they had wanted, and now we were having children before, you know, was their timeline.

• 18:57Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 18:58Speaker 06

  And, we, I left that call, I said, "Let's, let's regroup, let's have another conversation." And when we did have that conversation, and I expressed how I had felt and how hurtful that was, rather than being met with the empathy and some repair that we would have really hoped for. I was met with, um, what they described as they were embarrassed by us. And, that was actually the last conversation that I had with my parents before going-

• 19:23Oprah Winfrey?

  Four years ago.

• 19:24Speaker 06

  No contact, four years ago. And, I just remember walking out of that conversation, thinking, for the years that Bree and I have been together, I've had to watch her endure that treatment of not feeling accepted. And the last thing that I would want to do is bring a daughter into the world where she will walk into the world on day one and experience that treatment from her grandparents.

• 19:43Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, and so you just decided no contact. So I'm curious, Chris, so can I ask how old you are?

• 19:49Speaker 06

  I'm thirty.

• 19:49Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, you're thirty. So, you grew up in a world where you said you, you, there was compliance, and there was, the household was performative. So, you didn't grow up in a world where you thought about, you know, removing yourself or distancing yourself from your parents? Where did the idea even come from, that, "All right, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna cut you off, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore"?

• 20:11Speaker 06

  Yeah, I don't think there was one moment, I think it was very incremental. And I think that, actually, it all began when, when we first got together. It really highlighted the emotional distance between myself and my parents.

• 20:23Oprah Winfrey?

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:24Speaker 06

  And I think with each step over years and years, where I saw my parents being less and less a part of my life. The idea that they could not be a part of my life at all became something that seemed possible.

• 20:36Oprah Winfrey?

  So did you reach a point where you felt, if I don't comply, then they don't love me unless I'm complying?

• 20:42Speaker 06

  That's right. Yeah, I would say I'm not accepted unless I'm complying.

• 20:44Oprah Winfrey?

  Not accepted. Okay, do you have a question for one of our experts here?

• 20:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, as you think about parents raising children, and you know, us as parents were not connected with our families, what would be your advice for talking about that with our children? Right? How as parents can we best support our children as they grow up?

• 21:04Oprah Winfrey?

  You mean with their grandparents?

• 21:06Speaker 06

  Without grandparents.

• 21:07Oprah Winfrey?

  Without grandparents. Because are you speaking to your parents? You're not speaking to your parents either?

• 21:10Speaker 03

  No.

• 21:11Oprah Winfrey?

  Why aren't you speaking to your parents?

• 21:13Speaker 03

  I grew up in a very religious household. And when I became an adult and was not necessarily having some of the same morals and values and political beliefs and religion, they basically disowned me.

• 21:25Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, they disowned you?

• 21:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:26Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. All right, so your children are grandparentless right now?

• 21:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:31Oprah Winfrey?

  And so you're asking the question of, how do you manage the grandparentlessness, right? Nedra, is it a tragedy if as a grandchild, their children are two and four, you never even knew your grandparents?

• 21:44Speaker 03

  Yes, but they will still have some idea of what a grandparent is. And I think for you two, it'll be very important in an age-appropriate way to explain the situation. We have chosen to not have this contact as a protection for our family, right? And as they get older, you express that more. I don't think they need to know like all of the painful stories. That's not appropriate. But being clear that this is a choice that you made and trying to find other people in the world who can be grandparent-like, right? So that could be a neighbor. If you're a part of a social community, that could be someone in that social community. But being open and honest is really important.

• 22:29Speaker 03

  Not trying to erase your childhood. So, you know, not doing the thing of never talking about your childhood, never talking about your parent. Share some of those good memories with them as well. So, you know, don't make it seem like these are people we don't talk about because they will have some curiosity. And if you want to have that emotionally connected relationship with them, the one that you didn't have, you'll have to be vulnerable and honest with them.

• 22:55Oprah Winfrey?

  So you shouldn't act like these are people we don't talk about even though you're not talking about them?

• 23:01Speaker 03

  Well, they should be clear that these are people that you have chosen to not have a relationship with. We don't want to make it seem like they just disappeared, no one ever existed. Because you were raised by someone.

• 23:12Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:13Oprah Winfrey?

  What do you say, Dr. Gibson?

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was just, I was just thinking about when your children begin to be curious about it, or when they bring it up.

• 23:22Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  I think that's when you're in that position of what, what do we say now? What do we do now? But I don't think that, you know, for little children, two and four, yeah. I mean, they're not in the position yet where, you know, Johnny's grandparents had him over for supper, where are our grandparents? I mean, that day may come, and when it does, I think you can let them know that we're just not that close to them, we don't have contact with them. It's sort of like when children ask, you know, the facts of life, it's like, be careful about how much you lay out for them at once, because they can only digest so much.

• 24:00Oprah Winfrey?

  Age-appropriate information.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  And age-appropriate, right? But I think it's very important to wonder and ask the child, honey, why are you asking that right now? What's, what's, what brought up, what brought up the, the thought about grandparents?

• 24:14Oprah Winfrey?

  I'm just curious, it's been four years, you think it's gonna go on forever? Do you see it going on forever? You see never, ever, ever communicating with them again?

• 24:22Speaker 05

  Right now, yeah.

• 24:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah. Both do.

• 24:26Speaker 05

  On a cautionary note, you are presenting your children with a role model of how to handle conflict. And that is, and that's a concern. You know, you are showing them that people can be cut out of your life. And so that is a role model, because I'll, I'll sometimes work with a, with a parent who will say, well, you did it, mom, you cut, you cut out your grandma, so why can't I cut out you? So I mean, it's an adult child, so we just have to be very mindful of every layer of this.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Well, I've thought about that. I think you're trying

• 24:57Speaker 07

  You will try, knowing what you all do about the importance of your inner subjective experience as being an individual, you're gonna pass that on to your child. That what people make you feel inside matters, okay? And that has to be taken into account. It's not a solution just to cut somebody out for no reason, of course. But if there are reasons, there are people that we, the role model that you're becoming is, if there are people that are harmful to you emotionally, you do have the right to keep as much distance, maybe not total cutoff or whatever. You have the right to decide the optimal distance that you're going to have in your relationship with them.

• 25:40Speaker 07

  That is preparing them for adult life. So don't see it as you giving them carte blanche about cut anybody out that you don't like. You're saying, you know, you have to come to that decision about what's best for you, and we would be here to talk with you about that if you ever needed that.

• 25:59Oprah Winfrey?

  Thanks, Chris and Bree. Thank you, thank you. Bristol?

• 26:03Speaker 07

  Hi. I first want to start off by saying thank you for creating space to have this conversation. When I first made the decision to go no contact, I felt so alone. So this conversation means the world to me.

• 26:17Oprah Winfrey?

  So when did you make, when did you first make the decision to go no contact?

• 26:21Speaker 07

  As sad as it is to say, ever since I was young, I knew I would be no contact. I knew I didn't want my family in my life.

• 26:29Oprah Winfrey?

  You're still young, Bristol, let me tell you that.

• 26:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, no.

• 26:31Oprah Winfrey?

  So what do you mean, what do you mean by young, okay?

• 26:34Speaker 07

  No, like just being

• 26:36Oprah Winfrey?

  A younger kid.

• 26:37Speaker 07

  Eight, nine years old. Yeah, and I had family that saw how I was treated as well, and tried to step in. So it's, it's something I sadly always knew would happen.

• 26:46Oprah Winfrey?

  Is it like what Chris said, there isn't one thing, but there was a series of things?

• 26:50Speaker 07

  Yeah, it is multiple events. So you, it's not just one traumatic event.

• 26:54Oprah Winfrey?

  What was the final straw for you that, that you said, that's it, no more, I've had enough?

• 27:03Speaker 07

  It was a phone call, actually, where I, you know, I spent my whole life trying to change every aspect of myself to be the perfect daughter and to make the relationship work. And it was a phone call where I tried to set a boundary of just, "Don't talk so rudely about your children. Like, we're not punching bags." And she, my mom, is actually the one that blocked me initially. So she's the one that laid down that foundation and I followed suit and just cut off contact everywhere else.

• 27:35Oprah Winfrey?

  I hear you have a question for Dr. Gibson.

• 27:37Speaker 07

  Yeah, I do. So I have no regrets about my decision to go no contact. But every time I see a girl with her mom or dad, it physically aches in my heart. And so, does the longing for that connection, despite never experiencing it myself, ever go away? Or do you just learn to live with it? Yeah, I mean, it's like any terrible loss. Do any of our terrible losses ever go away? We all know that it never goes away, okay? But I think our job in this kind of situation is to enlarge ourselves so that we know ourselves better, so that we are expanding our own life,

• 28:22Speaker 07

  so that this terribly hurtful loss becomes a part, an integrated part, of the tapestry of your life, of your overall life. It'll never go away, but it's not all there is to you. And so you carry this, I see it as, as part of your increased complexity as a human being, your increased depth, and your ability to know what it is that's good for you and not good for you. And when you bring all that together, yes, that feeling is still there, but the context is now so much bigger because you're a much more complex person.

• 29:03Oprah Winfrey?

  Nedro, you wanted to say what about this?

• 29:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that void gets smaller as time passes, but there will always be something there because you do have a mother, you do have that part of your family, and both things can exist. You can miss people and decide to not have that relationship, and you don't get to erase the feelings in either direction. So it's something that you'll come to live with.

• 29:29Speaker 07

  Thank you.

• 29:30Oprah Winfrey?

  But how's your life otherwise? Do you miss, miss, miss, miss the contact with them? Or have you been able to create a life that's full and vibrant without them?

• 29:40Speaker 07

  I love my life. Like, I have, I have five animals, so I've created my own family. I, when I went off to college, I am used to spending holidays alone, so it's not like much has changed. I'm just not being walked all over, actually. So it's, it's, I know peace for the first time. It's amazing. I felt my nervous system leave, fight or flight.

• 30:02Oprah Winfrey?

  And I, I think this is so fascinating to me because I've been doing this so long.

• 30:08Oprah Winfrey?

  And I remember in the early days doing this, people just suffered. They just went through hell with their parents, and we were always talking about relationships with your parents. Have you, as therapists, seen it evolve over the years also?

• 30:22Speaker 05

  Oh, absolutely. You know, and I think one of the things, Oprah, is that there was a study done in 2016, which showed that, that our ideas about what constitutes harm, abuse, trauma, and neglect have radically expanded in the past three decades, radically expanded. So what often happens is an adult child, like any of you, may come up to your parent and go, "You emotionally abused me. You neglected me. You traumatized me." And your parents are gonna be like, "What the hell? I would have killed for a childhood like yours."

• 30:51Oprah Winfrey?

  Yes.

• 30:52Speaker 05

  So generations are talking past each other. I mean, it's kind of incumbent on us as parents to really learn how to speak the language of our adult children if we want to have a relationship with them. But that is one of the most significant changes, is our, our expanded views of what constitutes abuse and harm.

• 31:08Oprah Winfrey?

  And that has changed.

• 31:10Speaker 05

  That has changed radically.

• 31:11Oprah Winfrey?

  And it has evolved exponentially in the past several years.

• 31:14Speaker 05

  Exactly. Well, the past few decades, but, but social media is an enormous amplifier of that.

• 31:20Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah. Thank you, Bristol. Thank you so much. We need to take a break. Next, we're gonna hear the parent's side of going no-contact mothers and fathers speak out.

• 31:31Oprah Winfrey?

  And play. Come together on a Windows 11 PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the Unreal College Deal. Everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox Wireless Controller. Learn more at windows.com/studentoffer. While supplies last, ends June 30. Terms at aka.ms/collegepc. Thanks for joining me on the Oprah Podcast. We're talking about the dramatic rise in estranged families, people who've chosen to have no contact. My hope is that this conversation can help you or someone you know who might be going through the same thing. We have another Bree in our audience.

• 32:15Oprah Winfrey?

  This Bree is with two Y's, in case you're going to get them confused. Okay, so you've decided no contact with your mom. What happened?

• 32:22Speaker 07

  Yeah, so my mom abruptly stepped away from our family when I was six years old to be with someone else. And not only did she leave my dad, she didn't want to be a mother to me at that point either. And so throughout

• 32:32Oprah Winfrey?

  So your mom basically abandoned you?

• 32:34Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 32:35Oprah Winfrey?

  When you were six?

• 32:36Speaker 07

  Yep, she didn't, she was just like

• 32:37Oprah Winfrey?

  She left to go with an old boyfriend?

• 32:39Speaker 07

  Yep, she decided to go be with her college boyfriend and she wanted to kind of just live this new child-free life. And it was very jarring and traumatic for me because I was used to having a two-parent household and doing things with them and just, it was just a night and day. And at that point, she just kind of stepped away, didn't really have as much contact. Would see her sometimes. It was very off and on. And I would try. And whenever I would try, I felt like I would be let down. I had a wonderful dad who like filled the gap, but it's just like, just no mom. And I would see all these girls being raised their moms and I wanted that. And so when I was in college, I extended all the branch and I invited her to my college graduation. And she ended up humiliating me. I was on the floor with the graduates

• 33:23Speaker 07

  and I saw this crowd of people walking towards me, security, the counselors. And looked in the middle, it's my mom. They brought her towards me. They said, "Bree, it's been an emergency." So I'm like, you know what's going on? And she's just like, "I'm ready to leave." Like, we're about to go, her and her boyfriend. And that was what the emergency was in front of all the graduates before I even walked. And so I was bawling, crying. The whole stadium's looking at me. And from that point on, I was like, this is done. Like, she does not have a care for me. And with me being a mom now

• 33:56Oprah Winfrey?

  She couldn't leave quietly?

• 33:57Speaker 07

  And she couldn't just get up and go.

• 33:58Oprah Winfrey?

  I know.

• 33:59Speaker 07

  And so.

• 34:00Oprah Winfrey?

  What caused the scene?

• 34:01Speaker 07

  A whole scene. And so, like, I'm a mom now, and I'm a single mom. And so, there's points in motherhood where I'm like, ooh, like, I, I get that it can be a lot. Like, you know, but I could never just walk away from my child. Like, I just couldn't understand doing that. And so, I get a lot of judgment for it. Like, when something happens and people are like, you know, your mom isn't feeling well, or something like that. Like, it's like, you know, I don't have that empathy because it's just like, you know, she didn't really have it for me. And it's, it's hard for me because it's like, you know, I understand, you know, like, that she is my mother and this whole you only have one mother thing. However, we did not have that relationship. And so, what weighs on my heart and mind a lot is the forgiveness. And sometimes I'm like, will I ever be able to just forgive her and let this go?

• 34:46Speaker 07

  Because it's like, you know, some people's mothers have passed away. My mother lived 20 minutes from me my whole life, you know, and just didn't want to be there.

• 34:53Oprah Winfrey?

  And didn't see you.

• 34:54Speaker 07

  Yeah, and just didn't want to see me by choice.

• 34:56Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, I think that's so interesting because people use that phrase, particularly in our culture. You only have one mother.

• 35:03Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 35:03Oprah Winfrey?

  Uh, and they use that to guilt you. No matter what's been done to you, no matter what you've been through, you only have one mother. And it sounds like that you allow that sometimes to bother you, right? You, you feel the, you feel embarrassed or the shame of that in some way.

• 35:21Speaker 07

  Absolutely. I'm very empathetic, and it's the fact that it's like, I do understand she is my mother. However, it's like, we just, we don't have that relationship, you know? And so, it's just like, you know, she, she was never there for me. Like, you know, and, and whenever I would try, it would be, I would be met with hurt. And so, it's like, you know, I want to be able to, like, forgive her for my own peace and mind, not to bridge the relationship, but just to, like, have some kind of a start to healing.

• 35:49Oprah Winfrey?

  So, your question is?

• 35:50Speaker 07

  So, my question for Nadra is, um, how do I carry the, the void of the disappointment and the hurt, um, and the distance, but also, like, is there, is there a chance that I could truly forgive her and be able to kind of move on, even though we obviously are both still, you know, here in the world?

• 36:10Speaker 03

  I think you have to accept that people can birth a child without parenting them. And what I'm hearing in your situation is you have a mother, but you don't have the nurturing of one. And it's very hard to reconcile that while you're mothering, right? And other people are being mothered and they're telling you about their mother and you should do this for your mother. But you don't have that role or that connection with your mother. And so it's very important for you to accept that you can give birth without parenting.

• 36:46Speaker 03

  I think you also need to allow yourself to be angry. Because sometimes we're not making room for that and we're just rushing toward forgiveness. I have to hurry up and forgive.

• 36:56Oprah Winfrey?

  Especially if you live in a culture that says, "But it's your mother." And it's the only mother you have.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  But you are her daughter. But you are her daughter. And so on both sides, if we're gonna say, "But this is your mother, this is your father, you are also a daughter." And you get to be upset about not being parented.

• 37:14Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 37:14Speaker 03

  After you work through that stuff, what does forgiveness mean for you? Because you can forgive and reconcile. You can forgive and continue to not have her be a part of your life. You can forgive and readjust what the relationship is. Maybe she's not a mother, but she's a great friend. So you get to decide what that forgiveness is.

• 37:36Oprah Winfrey?

  Did you see her just do this?

• 37:41Speaker 03

  Or maybe an associate.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Maybe she's an associate, I'm not sure. But perhaps there is something there. If you can remove that expectation of parenting from her because she hasn't done it and she's not doing it, maybe there's a little bit left there that you can have. I don't know what that is. And maybe it's nothing. But you decide what that forgiveness looks like. And it sounds like you have learned how to be a nurturer, even though you didn't have it.

• 38:11Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, and may I say this? That in all the years of all the shows and all the experts, my best example or best definition for me of forgiveness that has carried me through many a situation is that forgiveness is giving up the hope. That the past could be any different. I don't even remember who said that so many years ago, but when they said it, the hairs on my arm raised because I was like, wow. It's not even about that other person. It's about you giving up the hope and you accepting finally that this, as Bristol has already done, that the relationship is what it is. And there's not going to be one thing you can change. You cannot change yourself.

• 38:56Oprah Winfrey?

  You cannot change that situation. Give up the hope that it's going to be anything other than what it is and accept the reality of it. That's what I hear Ned just saying. Once you accept the reality of it, you can meet her where she is or not meet her at all. Yeah, you wanted to say what?

• 39:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, the only thing I would add to that is we can't really forgive people who've hurt us unless we really believe we didn't deserve to have what happened. When you were abandoned by your mother, she treated you really poorly. And you probably don't yet fully know that you really didn't deserve that. You might consciously feel like you don't deserve it. But we can't really forgive somebody until we really, really know in our guts that we didn't deserve to be mistreated. So usually compassion can follow from that.

• 39:37Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, we have some parents here who have a different perspective. First, watch this short clip of what a mother named Christie posted on her social.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  So I'm going to ruffle some feathers with this one, but I don't care. So I'm going to address a comment that repeatedly gets commented on my post and other people talking about estrangement. And it's the comment that says, "Your children are not estranging from you to hurt you. They're doing it to protect themselves." I call BS. What are they protecting themselves from with us? Loving parents who've always supported them? Loving parents who's always, you know, done everything in their power to be there for them? Who financially has supported them? Who has went out of their way and put their life on the back burner for their kids? What are they protecting themselves from?

• 40:29Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, Chrissy, so you've had no contact with your daughter now for what, three years?

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Um, my daughter, yes. She's estranged from my side of the family three times in seven years. The last estrangement came as a shock because we had reconnected for two and a half years. I let my guard down. We got matching family tattoos, beach vacations with me and her brothers. And so I thought we made it. We're golden. We're not, I'm not gonna lose her again. And bam, a little conflict happened and out the door. And I tried to talk to her and I was like, we need to sit down. Can we just please sit down and talk? And like, why are you so upset? It was something so minor. And she refused to communicate with her brothers and I. She's cut my mother off, the only grandmother she's ever had who's completely heartbroken. Her brothers don't have a sister, you know?

• 41:18Oprah Winfrey?

  Just cut off contact with them, yes.

• 41:19Speaker 03

  Yes. And in the beginning, the first estrangement, I will give, you know, it wasn't her fault. She was seventeen, eighteen years old. I went through a divorce. She felt she had to choose and she didn't choose me. We worked through that, you know? And she explained some things to me and I understood it. Um, but now she's twenty-five, almost twenty-six. She knows I'm a good person. She even, you know, we made TikToks together. She made me beautiful TikTok and that I have pinned on my profile, you know? And, you know, literally Mother's Day and then two weeks later, there was a conflict. So my daughter, she is smart, she's funny. I've, she was a joy to raise. She's a college graduate, but I feel she lacks conflict resolution skills.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  And I, I just feel like my question to the therapist is how, how do we move forward to help parents and children that weren't an abusive parents? Like, a lot of us are really good parents. We aren't deserving of this. How do we teach parents and children that we can work through the messy, hard stuff? So that we can talk and not go no contact? Because I'm not gonna lie, like, it's been three and a half years, no word at all. And the glimmer of hope of us ever reconnecting is, is...

• 42:37Speaker 03

  Going away, you know. I talk about a platform and give parents a place to be seen and heard. And, you know, when I, when it first started happening to me, I was like you. I was like, I thought I was alone. So now I have a platform where parents can be seen and heard because we are villainized. And that video was about how villainized we become on that app.

• 42:57Oprah Winfrey?

  What was the response to that video?

• 42:59Speaker 03

  Parents were thankful and, you know, so many, I felt like I was alone. And to be honest, so many of us parents, I'm not a therapist, but I've heard hundreds of stories. So many of us never even got the opportunity to sit down and talk to our children. Listen, I'm all about, we don't decide what hurt, we don't get to decide what hurt someone. They don't get to decide what hurt us. So if my daughter came to me and said, Mom, can we talk? Heck, yes, absolutely. I would take ownership of anything she said I did to hurt her. Because I don't get to decide what hurt her. But she refuses.

• 43:35Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, you know, that brings me to the point. When you said the thing, the reason we are not talking now, it was such a little thing. We all are wondering, what little thing was that? What was that? And you know what? I was gonna say, but I didn't want to interrupt you. Maybe it was a little, obviously, it was a little thing to you, but it wasn't a little thing to her.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  It was something she didn't get her way.

• 43:54Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  She didn't get her way. And, you know, my boys are in my life. I'm a mom of three. They reassure me all the time, Mom, you're not a bad mom.

• 44:02Oprah Winfrey?

  Do you have a specific question for?

• 44:04Speaker 03

  My question is, how do we, how do we work on teaching conflict resolution skills? So that the no contact doesn't start? Because we all know, once it starts, it's a hard thing to go back from.

• 44:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  So.

• 44:17Speaker 05

  I mean, what I always tell parents is you have to start with telling your adult child that, I know you wouldn't do this unless you felt like it was the healthiest thing for you to do. Now, I may not feel that way to me.

• 44:27Oprah Winfrey?

  Is that the first rule of estrangement?

• 44:29Speaker 05

  That's the first rule of reconciliation.

• 44:31Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 44:31Speaker 05

  Yeah. The first thing is, you have to reach out to your adult child and say, you wouldn't do this unless you felt like it was the healthiest thing for you to do. Now, you may not feel like, you probably don't feel like it's the healthiest thing to do. I, as a therapist, may not feel like it's the healthiest thing to do. But it doesn't matter. Your kid does. And there's no way. They're gonna come to the table unless you do. Second of all, you have to find the kernel, if not the bushel of truth in the complaints. And maybe you did all that. I mean, I get it. You're right. Some of these adult children who cut off contact, they're conflict avoidant. They don't know how to have a conversation. And they tell their parents that they're gaslighting them, or they're, you know, emotionally mature, sorry. Or they're, you know, narcissism, whatever. And it's actually that they have mental health issues.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 45:10Speaker 05

  You know, or they're being negatively influenced after a divorce.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 45:13Speaker 05

  Or they're married to somebody who says, choose them or me, you can't have both. Or they're involved with a therapist who assumes everything's a result of parental trauma. Or they don't know any other way to feel separate from the parent, other than to cut them off. But this idea that it's only bad parents who are getting cut off. I'm sorry, I call bull on that.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  Thank you. Thank you. You agree with my TikTok.

• 45:33Oprah Winfrey?

  So we have another mother here. Kendall. Kendall?

• 45:38Oprah Winfrey?

  Hi.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Yes, I am estranged from my 30-year-old son by choice. And what I do notice, even in the room, when the children were speaking, people were kind of nodding and agreeing with them. But the moment Christie started telling her side of the story, people were kind of like, hmm, you know what I'm saying? My platform speaks similar to hers on behalf of the parent. Because parents are suffering in silence. And when children become estranged, they are celebrated, they're supported. People rally behind them. But when their mother decides to go no contact with her child, she's demonized. And that's been my experience.

• 46:13Oprah Winfrey?

  You made the decision to go no contact. Why? With your son?

• 46:16Speaker 02

  My son has been, he's caused me verbal, emotional, physical trauma and financial trauma for over 15 years now.

• 46:26Oprah Winfrey?

  And you just decided enough?

• 46:27Speaker 02

  Two years ago, he threatened my husband and myself, and I made a conscious decision that that was the last straw.

• 46:32Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  Because he didn't get his way.

• 46:36Oprah Winfrey?

  He didn't get his way?

• 46:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:38Oprah Winfrey?

  And has he respected the no contact?

• 46:40Speaker 02

  No.

• 46:41Oprah Winfrey?

  He has not?

• 46:41Speaker 02

  No, he has not. He sends threats that if we don't unblock him, he just threatened my husband yesterday as I got off a flight, saying if we don't unblock him, if we don't, you know, if I don't speak to him, he's going to do some harm to us.

• 46:54Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  So that's been my experience. And parents don't go no contact for very small reasons. It takes a lot for a mother to make that conscious choice. And I've been experiencing this for over 15 years, since his dad and I got a divorce and I got remarried 18 years ago.

• 47:10Oprah Winfrey?

  And you have a question?

• 47:11Speaker 02

  My question is, why are parents always demonized when they speak their truths? Or when they make a conscious decision to go no contact, but estranged children are celebrated and rallied behind?

• 47:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Good question. Who wants to answer that?

• 47:27Speaker 03

  If someone was coming in to see me as their therapist, I'm listening for what that person's experience is. And I have had parents come in whose children are asking for money or they're making the parent feel morally obligated to give them exactly what they want. It's the emotional immaturity switched, okay? I mean, you don't have to be the parent or the adult child to be emotionally immature. And so whatever it is that is crossing the boundary of the relationship or the other person's right to their own life or to their right to say no, I mean, that has to be dealt with every time

• 48:12Speaker 03

  in order to keep your own stability and mental health. So I see it very much as going both ways. Whoever it is that's going across the boundary and saying, "You have to give me what I need because I'm the most important person in the relationship here," in effect,

• 48:31Speaker 03

  whether that's parent or child, that has to be addressed. And it's for your own mental health.

• 48:38Speaker 05

  I would add to that, that for a parent, when they're estranged, there's no upside to being an estranged parent. It's all downside. It's all heartbreak, it's all shame, it's all getting cut off from your grandchildren, it's all guilt, it's all sorrow, it's regret. Whereas when you're an adult child, it's, I mean, you're not doing it unless you were in pain in the first place. I get that. But, but it's also wedded to our very powerful themes of identity and personal growth and personal happiness and protecting mental health. And those are much more resonant themes in our culture. So they're much more likely to catch fire than, you know, some parent is getting cut off.

• 49:17Oprah Winfrey?

  Thank you so much. After the break, can you rewrite family patterns without cutting off contact with your loved ones? That is next. This episode is brought to you by HBO Max. For your awards consideration, HBO Max presents Rooster. Starring Steve Carell, this new comedy series focuses on the complicated relationship between a successful author and his daughter. Don't miss the series IGN called Hilarious and Brilliant. Rooster is streaming on HBO Max. Watch now.

• 49:47Oprah Winfrey?

  Hey there, welcome back. If you or someone you know is going through a strained relationship with a relative, our experts have advice and guidance on navigating family estrangement. I encourage you to send a link to this episode to someone, anyone, who may need to hear this conversation. Let's jump back into it. I wanted to now bring in Aaron. Aaron is a husband and father of four, whose oldest daughter chose to go no contact Correct. For three years. Correct. Before reconciling. Correct. Take a look at what he shared with other parents about that experience.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  Parents, no one prepares you for the silence after no contact with your adult children.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  One day, you're texting, "I love you." The next, you're staring at a phone that doesn't ring.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  That silence.

• 50:46Oprah Winfrey?

  It doesn't just hurt. It haunts you.

• 50:51Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow. Painful. Painful. It's painful. It's very, very painful. So what, what's your story, Aaron? So my story was, my daughter, I think it was around 20, 21, she decided to go no contact. That's turned into three years of no contact. Three years. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I thought I was a great father. I really did. I thought I was a great father. I did the best that I could. Provided her with everything, took care of her, just did everything I thought that I was supposed to. Yeah. But, what she told me, and when we had the conversation, she said, Dad, you're a helicopter parent. I said, a helicopter parent? I didn't know what that was.

• 51:33Oprah Winfrey?

  Again, I didn't know what that was. She told me I was a helicopter parent. And a parent, a helicopter parent is a parent that wants to fix everything. And then I started thinking about it. She was right. I was a helicopter parent. I was trying to fix everything. I was always doing too much. I was overstepping my boundaries. And I had to realize that and understand that. But weren't you doing that as a man, providing for his family, trying to protect his family, wanting the best for your children? You were not doing that because you were trying to inhibit her. You were doing that because you wanted the best for your children. Correct. Yes. But then she also told me I didn't listen. She wasn't wrong about that either. I don't listen. Okay. I'm hard-headed. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, so she wasn't wrong about that. But she told me, she said, you're a helicopter parent.

• 52:18Oprah Winfrey?

  So was she, is she having this conversation after the three years? Correct. Okay. After the three. So for three years, she said nothing? Nothing. You thought everything was great? I thought everything was great, and then my wife reached out to her, and she didn't respond to my wife. And my wife kept trying to reach out to her. Is your wife her mother? Her mother, correct. Okay, okay. Yeah, she kept trying to reach out to her. And then we went through a situation where we started talking to her roommate, just trying to figure out what's going on. No contact, no communication, no nothing. Yeah. So then she needed some help, of course. So she calls me. Dad? Can you help me? I'm enrolling in college again. Okay, cool. I was just happy to hear a voice. Yeah. So I haven't heard from her in so long. So she came over, we talked, and she, that's when she told me, she said, Dad, you're a helicopter parent.

• 53:03Oprah Winfrey?

  And I'm looking, and I'm gonna tell you something. So you were willing to help her even though she hadn't spoken to you all these years? Oh yeah, that's my baby. Yeah, okay. Oh yeah, I don't, I got you. Okay. You know what I mean? I'm, I'mma help you as long as I'm living. So then, a- after the conversation, she said, I said, well, how can we work on our relationship? What can we do? She said, I'll tell you what we can do. We can go to therapy. As a man, I did not want to go to therapy. I'mma be real with y'all today. I did not want to do, I didn't want to go and be vulnerable to somebody that I don't know. Uh huh. So, went to therapy, because I wanted to get my baby back. So I went to therapy, we, and therapist, the therapist told me, she said, listen here, what you gotta do, and you gotta understand, you have to parent your children at different stages differently.

• 53:46Oprah Winfrey?

  You're still trying to control her like she's a teenager. You're still trying to do too much like she's a teenager. She's a full-fledged adult. Yeah. Understand that. Yeah. You know what I mean? So that changed my whole outlook. Yeah. And then the therapist also told her, she has to learn how to communicate and stop running. A lot of adult children run and hide when they don't get their way. Yeah. Or when their parents don't. I think this is so interesting. I have a friend who just went through, is, is going through this with her daughter, and she said, we'd gone out for Thai food and bowling. Correct. I thought everything was fantastic, and then I get a letter, a letter arrives in the mail telling me from this day forward, no contact. And then she thought something had happened to her daughter.

• 54:30Oprah Winfrey?

  She thought like, it was like, that her daughter had been kidnapped, or somebody had done some harm to her. She calls the police, they go to the department, all of that. So I think it's harder when you don't even, you don't know where it's coming from. Correct. Yeah. I think this situation where they tried to work it out, you tried to get them to accept your, your, your new wife. You tried to get them to accept that you're having a child. Very different than if you just suddenly disappear and nobody knows what it is. Correct. Yes. No, I totally agree. Yes. So, the positive, our relationship now.

• 55:02Speaker 02

  It's phenomenal. We worked it out. We learned how to communicate. I backed up, like I backed up. So what I started doing now, and I'm gonna tell you parents out there, this is how you can help your situation. First thing first, stop overstepping boundaries. Stop overstepping boundaries. Just have a normal conversation with your adult child. You know, if they ask for any more information or if they need a question answered, answer that question. But stop overstepping boundaries. That's what I did. I changed my relationship.

• 55:33Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah. I, we're so happy to hear that your story worked out, but I also can hear that every situation is different.

• 55:38Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 55:39Oprah Winfrey?

  I mean, in Kendall's situation where there is verbal and physical abuse.

• 55:43Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 55:43Oprah Winfrey?

  Uh-uh, no.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 55:44Oprah Winfrey?

  Not, not tolerating that.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  And I agree with what you said earlier, too. In our generation, the way we grew up, you know, you loved your parents no matter what.

• 55:51Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  They're not doing that no more. They're not doing that anymore. And now that you think about it, hey, you know, I can see some of these situations, I understand.

• 55:59Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, I know. I mean, listen, I've been doing it so long that people were like severely abused physically, emotionally, and still felt like they had to, you know, tolerate whatever from their parents. So I think some of it's good. Some of this being able to, I think, reaching a state where you're able to honor and protect your own emotional and mental health, that's a good thing. That means that we are evolving as human beings. Have we gone too far? That's the question.

• 56:30Speaker 03

  Well, what I'm, what I'm hearing a little bit of is if someone isn't coming to me with an issue, it's very, it's very important to ask ourselves, why? Do they not feel safe with me? Is there something maybe I've done in the past that has prohibited them from wanting to clear the air, talk about an issue with me? Sometimes we don't recognize that with ourselves. We think, oh, I'm just being the dad. I'm just being a mom.

• 56:57Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 56:57Speaker 03

  But what's actually happening is you're overstepping their adult boundaries.

• 57:02Oprah Winfrey?

  But isn't it also true, though, that, because, because Erin and I were talking about being raised in a different time, that a lot of the parents who are parenting kids, they're raising kids the way they were raised? And so you were raised not to come to your parents with your problems. You're raised not to have conflict with your parents. You're raised not to disagree with your parents. So nobody knows how to even begin to have that conversation because your whole life you weren't allowed to disagree because you always had to be compliant.

• 57:28Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, but just.

• 57:29Speaker 01

  As the kids have more information and we know gaslighting and we know nurses, we know all these terms. It's also available for parents to find and understand these things as well.

• 57:41Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, you want to say that. Yes, Dr. Gibson.

• 57:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, I was just gonna say that

• 57:48Speaker 03

  you show the one thing that turns this thing around. And that's the willingness to self-reflect. Correct. You, I mean, that is the change agent. Because if you can't reflect on your own behavior and say, gee, I wonder if there was something I did Correct. that may have contributed to this. A lot of times, when people are scared and they're in fear of loss, their first reaction, of course, is to be defensive and to find all the reasons why they're not the bad guy. Because that feels horrible.

• 58:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Which is what Dr. Coleman did the first, when his daughter had the conversation.

• 58:27Speaker 03

  Anybody would do that.

• 58:28Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, it's what we do. It's your natural reaction.

• 58:30Speaker 03

  Because it's like you've just been injured, okay? Your first reaction is gonna be to clinch and to defend, okay? But nothing can change until you ask that question, which is, gee, I wonder if there was something that I did too. Once you do that, you begin to become more objective. And you certainly become more receptive to your adult child. And that is the platform from which you can have a different relationship. So I just wanted to point that that is a hallmark of emotional maturity, that you can self-reflect and understand that you are not the most important person in the relationship.

• 59:14Oprah Winfrey?

  Erin, you are the hallmark of emotional maturity.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  Fantastic.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  Thank you for saying that.

• 59:21Oprah Winfrey?

  Thank you, Erin.

• 59:22Speaker 03

  I think that absolutely you would want to hear what your daughter had to say. That you would want to work it out and do that conflict resolution, absolutely. The problem is that some of us have such a strong personality and such a strong way of engaging other people that it becomes a little intimidating. And we don't know we're doing it because we, this is our energy. Yeah. Okay, this is what we, this is who we are. So one of the things we have to remember is that when you're trying to get someone to engage with you in conflict resolution, that you have to be aware that you may have more power than you actually think you do.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  And they may be backing up from that in a way that feels unnecessary to you. But to them, it may feel like, I can't stand my ground with this person. And if you feel like there's no hope of standing my ground, there's no hope of the conflict resolution. So I think we have to just be aware of how we come across with our energy. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with being a strong personality. Yeah, my, my sons communicate well with me. The problem is, is it's not all on my daughter. I'm not saying that, but she has cut her father off. She's cut other people off. When there's a conflict, I feel like she lacks that, those skills with anyone, not just me. Well, is it that she lacks the skills or that she lacks the feeling of personal

• 1:00:49Speaker 03

  power? That she could, that she could stay.

• 1:00:52Oprah Winfrey?

  You just said something, and this is definitely not a criticism, but I'm just going to say that, because I said it's not a criticism, you're going to think it is a criticism.

• 1:01:00Speaker 03

  I'm used to it. I take it all the time on TikTok.

• 1:01:02Oprah Winfrey?

  This is just, this is, this is what, what I noticed that you said, and I just wanted to bring up this point from Dr. Kobil's book, that there are separate realities in every family. And for years, I've had multiple discussions with lots of families. And lots of parents say what you just said, Chris, they say, but my sons did this, and my other child did this, and my other. Everybody in the family, in the same family, you're doing the same thing with all the kids, they're all having a different experience, correct?

• 1:01:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, not only is it correct, but you know, our children also have, they kind of come into the world with a certain temperament. If you've got, you know, three kids, they might all have really different temperaments. Some might be really assertive, others might be really resilient, others might be really conflict avoidant, anxious, depressive. And you know, how they see us as parents is going to be reflected through that filter. So if you have a kid who's sort of prone to depression or anxiety, they're going to see, they're going to be much more reactive to you. They're going to be much more sensitive, and they're going to later say, well, you were emotionally abusive. You're going to be like, the hell I was, because you're not really reading the world from their perspective. And that's why I agree with what Lindsay's saying, that we need to sort of see it through their eyes, not through just our own eyes.

• 1:02:16Oprah Winfrey?

  All your kids see their experience in the family.

• 1:02:18Speaker 03

  And I understand that. And like I said, I've never had the opportunity to talk. Like, we didn't come from a family where we just fought and yelled. That wasn't our family, you know? And in fact, you know, a lot of things were shoved under a rug. And I have thought to myself, did I teach her how to communicate? You know, because a lot of things in my marriage was shoved under a rug, not on my end, but it takes two people to talk. And if there's not communication, so I've thought, did we teach her that? Did we teach her to just shove things under a rug and not talk?

• 1:02:49Oprah Winfrey?

  Where did she learn not to have conflict?

• 1:02:50Speaker 03

  But I can't make her talk to me. Like, she has to be wanting to come to me and say, let's sit down, let's go to therapy, let's talk about this. Because I've said so many times on my platform, I will own it. Bring it to me. I will own it. I've not had that chance. And so many other estranged parents haven't had the chance either.

• 1:03:08Oprah Winfrey?

  Does she know you want that chance?

• 1:03:10Speaker 03

  Yes, I'm sure she's seen my TikToks.

• 1:03:12Oprah Winfrey?

  So we thought this was interesting. Thank you all so much. We thought this was interesting. Hadley, stand up. So Hadley, y'all, is a hospice nurse and a New York Times bestselling author about her experience. And she says that sometimes her dying patients will ask her to call their estranged adult children who have gone no contact. And when my team saw one of her videos, we, you know, wanted her to join us in this conversation. Here's a quick look.

• 1:03:45Speaker 02

  If you are the type of person who continues to have no contact with your dying family member, even after I, as the hospice nurse, call you and say that is their final dying wish to talk to you, then I think that's totally fine. I don't judge you, and I don't think you owe people who abused you peace.

• 1:04:04Speaker 03

  I don't mind being the bad guy and telling them no. I'll even update you when they pass if you ask me to and be your shoulder to cry on. And if all you feel is relief, that's totally normal to you, and you're not a bad person.

• 1:04:17Oprah Winfrey?

  You know, when I first heard your story and I hadn't seen you on TikTok, I was like, wow, what an interesting thing. You're putting these estranged children with their dying parents. But it's not that at all.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Not always.

• 1:04:32Oprah Winfrey?

  In most cases, they don't, right? They say no. I don't want to see them.

• 1:04:37Speaker 03

  They do in most cases, but it's difficult. I've had conversations before where they say, what should I do? And they ask me, and that's very difficult. When I became a hospice nurse 10 years ago, I was not estranged from my own biological father. And about seven years ago, I did become estranged from him. So I really began to understand more how those children are and what they're feeling whenever they're getting that phone call.

• 1:05:05Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow. And so what do you find when the people who are dying ask to see their children? Are they asking to see their children, their estranged adult children, because they want to apologize? Because they have regrets? Because they want to have final words?

• 1:05:22Speaker 03

  I don't believe personally that they usually want to apologize because they're telling me, do they know that I'm dying? It almost feels like a guilt trip to me. Like, please tell them. That I'm dying and maybe they'll talk to me.

• 1:05:40Oprah Winfrey?

  Hmm. Has anybody expressed, you know, regret or grief that they were estranged from their?

• 1:05:49Speaker 03

  I did have one person in particular I think of that really told me that they had a lot of regrets and they wanted to make amends and I did with our social worker make that phone call to the child and asked if they wanted to hear them out and give them that chance. They ultimately decided not to. They went really back and forth. They ultimately decided not to. So what myself and the social worker did is we offered for that patient to write a letter to the child and we said after you pass, we'll make sure that they get it. We can't promise that they'll read it. And the patient decided to not write that letter.

• 1:06:26Oprah Winfrey?

  Really?

• 1:06:27Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:06:28Oprah Winfrey?

  You told my team that you think that this is oftentimes a form of control on the part of the parents.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  I do, yes.

• 1:06:37Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah. Well, first of all, what it takes to be a hospice nurse. Can we just give that around?

• 1:06:42Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:06:42Oprah Winfrey?

  Thank you. That is...

• 1:06:47Oprah Winfrey?

  That is the Lord's work you are doing for sure. And do you find that when you're asked to reach out to these estranged children, adult children, that the adult children appreciate being reached out to or not?

• 1:07:03Speaker 03

  Not always. I think that sometimes they have no idea that... Anything about their parent at all. And I'm usually making these at like 11 a.m. on a Tuesday and they're in the middle of a workday and I think it's very jarring, understandably.

• 1:07:19Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, right. And how long have people been estranged from their children?

• 1:07:24Speaker 03

  I think the most I've seen has been like 20, 30 years.

• 1:07:28Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:30Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, I can understand it's been 20 years.

• 1:07:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, to get that phone call on a Tuesday while you're working.

• 1:07:35Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:36Oprah Winfrey?

  Hard. And then you call them after the person has passed? If they want you to?

• 1:07:41Speaker 03

  I ask them, um, our social worker will, I ask, and most times they do want to know, which I find interesting, they, they wanna know that they've passed and I understand that. I mean, being estranged myself, I think it would also be extremely drawing to find that out from like Facebook.

• 1:07:55Oprah Winfrey?

  Hmm, yeah. So you said you now are estranged from your biological fa- father?

• 1:08:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:08:02Oprah Winfrey?

  Why? Can we ask?

• 1:08:03Speaker 03

  I say it's a million cuts that bled me dry. And I could give you one reason, but I think that it wouldn't reflect the entirety of the situation, and I think that someone would judge that one situation and say that wasn't enough of a reason. And in reality, it wasn't just that. It, it was a million things before that, that led up to that.

• 1:08:23Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah. It sounds like it's never one thing.

• 1:08:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:26Oprah Winfrey?

  Nobody does it over one thing. So I, thank you so much, Hadley, for sharing that with us. I wanna close with a, a word from our experts. Nedra, let's start with you.

• 1:08:36Speaker 03

  Well, I think there is hope because we have more information on the topic. And if we want to preserve relationships, we have to be open to hard conversations. And sometimes we have to be the person to start it, whether that's the parent or the child. We have to get out of these patterns that we've been in with our parent, if they've been domineering, if they've done something to us, we have to learn to use our words and speak up. I think that the boundaries that we're starting to see with so many adults is not necessarily a new thing, but people are more vocal about wanting emotional connection with their parents

• 1:09:18Speaker 03

  or not wanting to be told who to marry or what they should feel in certain situations. And that's not necessarily a bad thing because we want to feel closer to our families. But we also have to learn to deal with the conflict within our families. And I don't think everybody is just like, I'm out of here, I've never had a conversation. Sometimes people make it hard for us to talk. Some people are intimidating. Some people become defensive. And so it's hard to tell a person who's doing that, that they're actually doing that. But if-

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  If you are disconnected in a relationship, you have to look inward and you have to own your part of it and not just assume that this other person is wrong. It's two people. Perhaps we both did something. So being open to that conflict is really important for repair.

• 1:10:10Oprah Winfrey?

  That's what you said, Dr. Gibson. Self-reflection is the key.

• 1:10:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, it's the key for any relationship to have things get better. But I just wanted to mention that, you know, societally and culturally, what we're all up against is that everybody has tremendous stress in dealing with a very complex world now. I mean, this is not the world of 30 years ago even. The things that adult children are having to think about, weigh, succeed in are very different, and it's very, very stressful. We don't have the energy to put into relationships where someone is going to be continually pushing back

• 1:10:58Speaker 03

  and making us feel that what is going on inside us is not valid or is not true in some way. This old way of the respect for the role itself, I think, for the role of the parent or the authority figure.

• 1:11:14Oprah Winfrey?

  Honor thy father and thy mother.

• 1:11:15Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly. Yes, it says honor them. It doesn't say obey them, agree with them, do whatever they say, make them the most important person in the relationship. So those days of the role trumping everything else are gone. People do not have the energy now to sustain a relationship that is draining or difficult or constantly conflictual. They do not have the energy to keep on maintaining that and live this very complex life in our culture.

• 1:11:51Oprah Winfrey?

  I think it's a very interesting thing you just said. The days of the role.

• 1:11:57Oprah Winfrey?

  Being the almighty in the relationship. Because it's not about the role. It really is about the relationship.

• 1:12:05Speaker 03

  And that's what's happening to these poor parents. Because they're thinking that there is some security there for them in the role. Okay. But what has happened is that...

• 1:12:17Oprah Winfrey?

  And that's what people mean when they say, oh, that's, you know, she's your only mother, that's your only one. They're talking about the role. You actually haven't had a relationship with a mother who mothered you.

• 1:12:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, it shifted from the role to relationship skills and to empathy and to understanding the other person's subjective experience. There has been a ground shift in that. That's not going to go backwards. People are not going to become less aware and less conscious of their own inner experience. The, you know, the ship has sailed. And so we have to find ways of understanding that our kids are stressed, they're exhausted in this very complex society. They don't have a lot of extra energy to work stuff out with you. And so you have to, if you want to get along or regain the relationship, you have to treat them like a treasured friend.

• 1:13:12Speaker 03

  Like, how would you keep a friend that you wanted to keep? A cherished person. That's how you have to treat them, because they're exhausted. You'll have to improve the relationship skills. Yes, thank you. That's what I'm trying to say, that the relationship skills have to take the place of the role.

• 1:13:29Oprah Winfrey?

  You have to do that and not use the, I'm your mother, I'm your father, and so automatically you should give me whatever.

• 1:13:35Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly. But, but see, nobody comes along and tells the parent, you have to undergo this shift. And you have to understand now that it's going to be the quality of the relationship and the empathy that's going to count. Nobody told them that. Everybody's being caught unaware by that.

• 1:13:52Speaker 05

  Well, I agree with all that, um, but.

• 1:13:55Oprah Winfrey?

  But, I know there's a but coming, yeah.

• 1:13:57Speaker 05

  But I would add that, you know, the Surgeon General recently came out and added parenting as one of the risks of adulthood currently. And parents are under enormous pressure, including parents of adult children. In part because the criteria of what constitutes good parenting has gone through the roof. I mean, it's what I call the soulmate parent. You're not only supposed to be, you know, get your kids in, out of the house and independent, you're also supposed to be sensitive and empathic and psychological and a coach and a learning disability specialist and a psychiatrist. And that's a lot of pressure on parents. And then later, your adult child may estrange you because you didn't do one of those things. I mean, I'll see letters from adult children saying, "Well, you didn't see that I was depressed when I was young and get me help, so I don't owe you a relationship."

• 1:14:42Speaker 05

  I'm like, "Well, your parent isn't a damn psychiatrist." You know, I mean, they didn't know that you were depressed. And to cut off a parent for that reason, to me, that just seems wrong. Okay, now, final comment, two things. One is, um, I have close family who are in recovery, and I've learned a lot from the fourth step, which is that you make a fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself. And this is similar to what Lindsay and Nedra are saying. You make a serious and searching moral inventory of your own character flaws. Because we all have them. Y'all have them, we have them as parents. Everybody has character flaws. And what I often tell parents is, you know, it's about humility, it's not about humiliation. Because parents don't really necessarily want to write that estranged letter. It's probably hard for you to hear what your daughter had to say, it was hard for me to

• 1:15:24Speaker 05

  hear what my daughter had to say, and to really open myself up and be vulnerable. But I think what we're all saying is, nothing's gonna happen unless that, unless we can do that, unless we can sort of see our own character flaws. But I think adult children, also, you have to see the ways that you push your parent away, or you don't give them credit for the things that they did, or you don't recognize that they might have grown up in a culture that, you know, didn't, um, wasn't so psychological, wasn't so emotional and sensitive, and love them anyway. See that their efforts were still loving. And so, those are my final words.

• 1:15:58Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay. I thank you, all of you, for being a part of this conversation. And for all of you who were thinking, oh, you were alone. Well, there's rules of estrangement. There's adult children and emotionally immature parents and drama free. People are writing about it and now we're all talking about it. And hopefully this has been eye opening for many of you, particularly those of you who are going through it. Thank you so much for joining us. Go well and we'll meet up again next week.

• 1:16:28Oprah Winfrey?

  You can subscribe to the Oprah Podcast on YouTube and follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. I'll see you next week. Thanks, everybody.