The key to a less frantic holiday season

There can be a lot of stress when it comes to the holidays: figuring out travel plans, preparing the perfect meal, spending time with the whole family for days on end. There can also be a lot pressure to do everything perfectly, but psychotherapist and author of All Is Calmish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays, Niro Feliciano, says that letting go of the need for perfection can actually make your holiday less stressful. This episode, Feliciano shares tips for keeping your holiday season merry and bright. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekit http://plus.npr.org/lifekit See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

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• 1:35Marielle Segarra?

  It is December, which means you have approximately 30 days to do the following. Visit a quaint holiday market and find gifts for all your loved ones. Attend a sophisticated orchestral performance featuring all the holiday classics. Go ice skating, preferably holding hands with somebody. String up your Christmas lights, put up the tree, or a menorah, or both. Travel to an Austrian castle and fall in love with a prince. Return to your hometown after years away and fall in love with that bakery owner, or farmer, or the carpenter guy you went to high school with. Yeah, he is looking good, isn't he? Plan a menu, buy ingredients, and serve up an elaborate Christmas feast. Wrap the presents, make cookies for Santa, oh, and peel the carrots for the reindeer.

• 2:20Marielle Segarra?

  That last idea comes from Nareau Feliciano. She's a licensed clinical social worker. She has four kids and, yeah, she used to peel the carrots for the reindeer. Until one Christmas Eve, when she and her husband were up really late and she realized, "Why am I doing this? Who is this even for?" She also realized that the holiday season had started to come with this sense of dread.

• 2:41Speaker 02

  Pretty much November 1st is when I started feeling it. And I realized that this was also felt by so many of my patients. Because the way our life is now, no matter if you have no kids, or four kids, or whatever it might look like, we are all running at maximum bandwidth.

• 2:59Marielle Segarra?

  For so much of the holidays, we're on autopilot. We're doing the things we think we're supposed to. And while some of us are trying to create magical holiday experiences, like the ones we see in those Hallmark movies, that can leave us exhausted.

• 3:12Speaker 02

  And I think the question we have to ask is, okay, what is really important in this season? And what's taking away from the things that are the most meaningful parts of the holiday? And what can I let go of in this season?

• 3:27Marielle Segarra?

  Nareau just wrote a book on this topic called All Is Calm-ish. On this episode of Life Kit, we talk about how to be realistic during this season, how to let go of what you don't actually care about, and how to appreciate the holiday activities you are participating in. We'll also get into managing conflict around the holidays, because fighting with family is not on anybody's to-do list.

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• 5:06Marielle Segarra?

  You tell a story in the book about a Christmas morning where you weren't feeling very merry. Can you talk about that?

• 5:13Speaker 02

  There was one holiday where we hosted dinner at Christmas Eve, and this is after attending a church service. And I looked at the clock. It was around 11 o'clock, where we began the preparations for the next day, all the things that Santa doesn't take care of. And it was probably around 6:30 in the morning where I felt my kids jump on our bed to wake us up. And I thought I had just fallen asleep. And that morning, I was sitting there watching them, and they were still at that very magical age where Christmas, everything about it was very magical for them. And I could barely keep my eyes open. And I remember thinking, oh, my gosh, in all the doing, I am missing being. I am not

• 5:55Speaker 02

  here. I'm not present. I'm missing this. And I knew at that moment, this time is so fleeting. And now my kids, one is out the door, she's in college, and the time is going fast. So I'm grateful for that moment, because it really did change the way I began to navigate the holidays. Certainly not perfect. I still have my moments of chaos and last minute and trying to get things done. But I've gone through it a little bit more mindful and present in the moments that I know I want to be present for.

• 6:24Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. It actually reminded me of a story from my childhood. Well, I asked Santa to get me a Polish Barbie, because I'm Polish on my mom's side, and They had all these ethnic Barbies. I already had Puerto Rican Barbie. I had German Barbie. I wanted Polish Barbie. And so my mom looked for it everywhere and like was not finding it and not finding it. And then on Christmas Eve, she was up so late and she went to the store at the last minute on Christmas Eve and found it. And then the next morning, like, I remember opening it up and being like, "Oh, my God, Polish Barbie."

• 7:04Marielle Segarra?

  And I like, I showed it to my mom and she was just laying on the couch like exhausted and did not seem excited that I had gotten Polish Barbie and like Santa had fulfilled my dreams. And I felt in that moment like I had done something wrong. And I felt like, why doesn't, why is mom sad? Like, why isn't she happy right now? What, you know? And obviously, I look at this very differently as an adult, like, and once I understood. But I think that in thinking that we have to make Christmas or the holidays like perfect for our kids or get them every last toy, every last thing they asked for, we end up burning ourselves out.

• 7:49Marielle Segarra?

  And then we're not present in the moments that we're there. And that actually can be hurtful to them in ways that we don't even realize they're processing, ways that we don't realize that our mood is affecting them.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  Hmm, that is such a powerful story. And it's powerful for me for two reasons. I'll just share because I remember the day I got Indian Barbie. I'm South Asian. And I remember how exciting it was just to see myself represented in some way in that toy. So I understand the Polish Barbie, the child's perspective in that. But I have been your mom in that situation many times over. And it's not that we don't want to feel joy, but in that moment of exhaustion, we really can't. And for that reason, I wrote in the book, one of the phrases which stay with me during the holidays, and that's connection over perfection. Because I think at the end of it, that's what we all want. We all want to feel connected in this season.

• 8:43Speaker 02

  And there's so many things that steal that ability from us in trying to make this perfect for so many people and create those memories. And one thing I've always told parents and people during this time of year is that if you authentically can find joy for yourself, that will do more for the people around you than you killing yourself trying to bring joy to them in other ways.

• 9:08Marielle Segarra?

  Takeaway one, when in doubt, focus on connection over perfection. It's okay if the cookies are a little burnt. You know Santa's gonna love them. And if you let go of the stress, y'all could have fun making them, too. You have a takeaway in the book that you should think about three moments that you'd like to be fully present for and engaged in this holiday. Think about what it is that you'd like to experience in those moments and also what might have to change, what's gotta give in order to make that happen.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Yes. Being present all the time is hard, and it makes us feel really guilty. There are a lot of should statements that run through many people's heads. It's like this monologue that continues, especially during the holidays, of what we should be doing. So I always say, let's give ourselves grace in this season. Pick those three moments that you know you want to be present for, and then we can be intentional in those moments. Maybe it is that Christmas morning, or that dinner with the family, or at the concert that you're attending. And in that moment, put away your phones as much as you can and really show up for it with as much as you can bring in that moment. And I think that's a good start.

• 10:16Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. And in terms of what might have to change to make these moments happen, I think of that as like, what am I gonna stop doing? And you have one example in here that you were like peeling carrots for the reindeer.

• 10:33Marielle Segarra?

  I don't know, do you still do that?

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Why do I do that? I'm not sure if I even left carrots out last year. Because all of a sudden I realized, why am I peeling these carrots for the reindeer? Why am I doing that? But we just, in so much of the season, we're on autopilot. And I think the question we have to ask is, okay, what is really important in this season? And what's taking away from the things that are the most meaningful parts of the holiday? And what can I let go of in this season?

• 11:02Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. You also talk about shifting your mindset a bit. You say to name three statements that you make during the holiday season, like, I have to do this, I have to do that. And see if you can shift those to, I get to do this, I get to do that.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. That's a powerful shift. And I remember at one holiday where my monologue was about 100 I have to statements. And there were things that if someone heard me, and of course, you know, problems of privilege, I have to send out 200 holiday cards and I have to, you know, go shopping for whatever gifts I need for whoever. But I stopped for a minute and I thought, these are privileges. And shifting it to I get to helps us to recognize privilege. And that often leads us into gratitude. It's not to minimize anybody's stress, but it's to see, can we shift perspective? And does that make a difference in how we experience the stress? And it did for me in that year in a very powerful way.

• 12:02Marielle Segarra?

  What are some of your I get to's this year?

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Well, this year, because I've been so packed with this book promotion, I've said, I get to decorate my house early. Because I know if I don't do it early, it is not going to get done with the month that I have. But even things like I get to bake cookies this year, which sometimes seems like a chore for me. Part of that is because I know my daughter's coming home from college. And now I recognize the value of having all my kids under my roof. It's not something that I take for granted anymore. So there's a different kind of energy in getting our house ready and getting my mind ready and getting my spirit ready to be in a place where I can be present and enjoy having my whole family together for the short times that we are this next month.

• 12:51Marielle Segarra?

  Takeaway two, this season, think about three moments that you'd like to be fully engaged for. What are those? What are you willing to stop doing to make space for them? And then, as you do take part, try a mindset shift. Instead of, I have to do this, tell yourself, I get to do this. Because after all, you are choosing to participate in these things.

• 13:13Marielle Segarra?

  Okay, another important takeaway, I think, from the book is to ask yourself, what expectations or beliefs do you have for yourself, your family, or other people in your life this season that often don't get met? And the example you give here is, family time is peaceful, and everyone enjoys it.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  Yes. It's what we wish for, but reality often doesn't mirror that.

• 13:37Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. Well, so what do we do with those expectations that crop up around the holidays?

• 13:43Speaker 02

  I think we have to take a look at them a little bit closer and rewrite those expectations. So in the case of an expectation like that, I would say, you know, there are going to be good moments with our family, and there'll be moments where the kids are fighting, and they're not grateful. And, you know, we may get into things because we're stressed. But that's okay. That is also normal when families spend an extended amount of time together. And in that, there will still be moments that are joyful. But I think oftentimes, we don't even realize we're holding this expectation. We do recognize when it's not met, and we're left either disappointed or frustrated. So maybe we have to think backwards a little bit to, what are my expectations for the holiday? What are the ones that never get met

• 14:28Speaker 02

  that always leave me disappointed? And then work through it from that perspective.

• 14:34Marielle Segarra?

  Takeaway three, ask yourself, what expectations or beliefs do I have for myself, my family, or other people in my life that often don't get met this time of year? How can I revisit those so they're more realistic? When we're back, Noreau has tips for dealing with family drama that crops up around the holidays.

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• 15:59Marielle Segarra?

  Nero, you have a takeaway here about conflict during the holidays and what boundaries you might need to set. First of all, tell me what you mean. I feel like we have all heard the word boundary a million times, but like, how do you define a boundary and how do you figure out which ones you might need?

• 16:13Speaker 02

  I say any area of your life where you generally feel resentful or depleted or exhausted is an area that likely necessitates some boundary. So that might be in relation to an obligation or a commitment, or it may be in a relationship, something that occurs in your relationship that leaves you feeling that way. And that might be a simple, something you don't take on, something that you need to say no to, or specific directions that you may need to communicate to someone else. And let me give you an example. So a friend of mine said to me, I love hosting for the holidays. I love it.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  And my family comes and they usually stay for a week. And I am all in. I make it joyful for everybody. And this year, I didn't invite this part of my family because I'm tired. And we also want to do things with my kids because some of them are coming home from college. So she got a call from this family member saying, "We can't wait to come. We're coming for a week." And she said, "I can't do it for a week this year." So I asked her, "Well, how long could you host them for? First of all, do you want to host them?" And she said, "Yes, I do, but not for a week." She said, "I could feel joyful for like four days." And I said, "Well, then that's what you're going to communicate." So we went over a script and I said to her,

• 17:36Speaker 02

  "Say to them, 'We are so excited to spend the holiday with you. And we'd love for you to come from Friday to Tuesday,'" or whatever the time was that she had decided. "And after that, we've made plans, so we're not going to be around." So she did that and she felt so much freer just by setting that boundary. So it can look like that where you're actually not having a whole conversation and inviting that opinion, but you're stating what you need in that moment.

• 18:08Marielle Segarra?

  Takeaway four. You may be spending more time than usual with family this time of year. And as we've learned, we tend to have expectations of our family members that may or may not be realistic. So be clear about what you want, what you can attend, how long you can host people, and what you won't be participating in. Also, remember, you don't have to fight anyone this Christmas or to fix anyone. Ask yourself, "What conflict is not worth addressing this holiday season?"

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Yes, because for some of us, we know the people who are going to bring the drama. It's the same people every year. So if we've had this conflict for 20 years, we don't necessarily have to solve it this holiday. We can do what we need to do to maintain peace. At the same time, that shouldn't necessitate sacrificing all your joy to maintain peace. But there are oftentimes, not on one extreme or the other, but somewhere in the middle, that we can come to that place of peace. Okay, this is what I can deal with. I can't deal with some of these other things. So here's what I'm gonna do and here's what I'm gonna let go this season. And not take the bait to get sucked into whatever conflict might be occurring.

• 19:18Marielle Segarra?

  Choosing peace, as they say.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  Choosing peace and asking that question. Okay, what can I do to maintain the peace this season? And what do I need to not do to maintain peace in this situation?

• 19:31Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. You have a chapter in here that talks about anxiety in the moment. You know, I can imagine this can happen when you're driving up to Thanksgiving dinner and you know that there is like someone there who you sometimes have conflict with. Or you're preparing to have people over and you're just like stressed out that it's not perfect. I mean, there are so many different reasons you might get a flash of anxiety. So you have some techniques in here that are research backed that can help you in those moments. What's one of your favorites?

• 20:04Speaker 02

  So a couple of things. One, the longer exhalation breathing, if we do it repeatedly, you know, long breaths. I like to do a four count inhale, a six count exhale. What it does is it takes us out of fight or flight. That sympathetic activation, it stimulates the vagus nerve and that puts us into parasympathetic, which is the rest and relaxed part of our nervous system. So that is something you can do on the way to that person's house. You can do it as you're preparing to have people over. Just take one minute and stop and slow down your breath and get into a place where you feel calmer. And it's amazing how quickly it actually can happen when we take the time to do it intentionally.

• 20:46Speaker 02

  And then the other thing I tell people, which is fairly easy, is use the cold. That could mean ice. That could mean take a quick, really cold shower. Put your face in cold water, open the freezer and stand there for a few minutes. Because that also takes us out of sympathetic activation and puts us into parasympathetic. Ice packs on your neck. On your chest, on your pulse points, that can lower the tension very quickly.

• 21:12Marielle Segarra?

  Go outside and shove your face in a snowbank.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  That's right. If you live in a cold climate, it actually will work. So it's something that most of us have access to in some way or another, and we can use it for our advantage, especially when we're feeling anxious or stressed.

• 21:29Marielle Segarra?

  I find it helpful to remember that most of what we do during the holiday season is actually optional.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  Mmm, I love that. It is. It doesn't feel like it, though, does it? It feels like, okay, we've made this commitment years before, we gotta keep it up. But you're right, it is optional. I spend a lot of time trying to convince women and parents and caregivers that your joy is so important and it will make a difference in how other people experience joy around you. So look at those things that you say, okay, this is optional. And if it is going to take away from my joy, let's see if we can do things a little bit differently this year.

• 22:11Marielle Segarra?

  Okay, takeaway five. Whether you're headed to a party or you're getting ready to host something, you may start to feel anxiety creeping up on you. Try a simple reset. Take a deep breath, exhaling for longer than you inhale, or press something cold against your face or your neck. You could also try something called the GLAD meditation. That was created by psychologist Donald Altman.

• 22:35Speaker 02

  For many people, we've heard a lot about gratitude, and it can get tiring for people. Although I will say, when you are practicing gratitude, what helps you get out of the very rote, I'm grateful for my health, my house, my partner, is getting specific. What do you love about your house? Maybe it's your cozy bed or your blanket, or what do you love about your partner? Maybe it's something they said to you that morning, or how they looked at you. Get specific, and that's what keeps it from getting so routine. But the GLAD practice is another way to practice gratitude. And what GLAD stands for is an acronym. G is for what are you grateful for?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  L is what have you learned about yourself or someone else in that day or that season of your life? The A is for what have you accomplished? And for some of you, under a lot of stress, getting out of bed can go on that list for what you've accomplished for that day. And the D is what brings you delight. For me, sometimes it's just enjoying my cup of coffee that morning without having to microwave it three times before I get through it.

• 23:47Marielle Segarra?

  Niro, thank you so much for this.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Oh, my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

• 23:51Marielle Segarra?

  Happy holidays.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  And to you too. Happy holidays.

• 23:55Marielle Segarra?

  OK, time for a recap. Takeaway one, focus on connection over perfection. Takeaway two, think about three moments that you'd like to be fully present for this holiday season. And then, instead of saying, I have to do this, tell yourself, I get to do this. Takeaway three, ask yourself, what expectations or beliefs do I have for myself, my family, or other people that often don't get met this time of year? And how can I revise those so they're a little more realistic? Takeaway four, be clear about what you want, what you can attend, how long you can host, and what you won't be participating in this year. Also, remember that you do not have to fight anyone this Christmas or to fix anyone.

• 24:38Marielle Segarra?

  Ask yourself what conflict is not worth addressing this holiday season. And takeaway five, when anxiety sneaks up, try a simple reset. Take a deep breath, exhaling for longer than you inhale. Press something cold against your face or your neck, or try the glad meditation. G, what are you grateful for? L, what have you learned about yourself or someone else recently? A, what have you accomplished? This can be a small thing. And D, what is bringing you delight?

• 25:08Marielle Segarra?

  And that's our show. Hey, by the way, you're a fan of Life Kit, right? Well, don't keep us a secret. Why not send this episode to a friend who's been stressed about the holidays? Give them the gift of Life Kit. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Lennon Sherburne. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Robert Rodriguez and Gilli Moon. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 25:51Speaker 03

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