Pod Insights My Brother, My Brother And Me MBMBaM 780: Face 2 Face: Good Will Horsing About this episode Live from the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas we’re playing new games and doling out wisdom about trampoline time, garbanzo beans, and knife-sharpening machines!
Suggested talking points: Zero Degrees to Natalie Portman, Tramposition, The President of Basketball, Loose Knives, Legal Rock Mistakes
Equality Florida: https://www.eqfl.org/
VR Link: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/xs2ky4ouy3vnvgs42dc9l/Dragonfire_trailer.mp4?rlkey=jiexk22u11p8dzb8o11sgv1jw&st=bqil367t&dl=0
Transcript 10,193 words · 12 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 The McElroy brothers are not experts.
0:05 Speaker 00 And their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert.
0:15 Speaker 00 But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.
0:30 Speaker 00 What's up, you cool babies?
1:23 Travis McElroy? Hello and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, Me and My Show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
1:32 Travis McElroy? What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother, Travis "Big Dog, Woof Woof, Vroom Vroom" McElroy.
1:41 Travis McElroy? Still scary.
1:42 Griffin McElroy? What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 Under 30 Media Luminary, Griffin "Bill" Fortuve-McElroy.
1:53 Griffin McElroy? And I am absolutely busting out of this teenager's Halloween costume.
2:00 Travis McElroy? Yeah, this has been a kind of an ongoing narrative. Somehow Griffin's costume has shrunk. And it is, it is just getting worse and worse for him.
2:10 Griffin McElroy? We have two more Live My Bimbims and then I think I'm just gonna like fucking Lou Ferrigno my way out of this thing on stage.
2:17 Travis McElroy? I'm riding high today, ready to do a great show. Because today, my oldest brother and I, along with Rachel and Amanda who helped put on our live shows, went and did a VR adventure where we fought some goblins and skeletons and spiders and stuff.
2:35 Travis McElroy? True.
2:36 Travis McElroy? And it absolutely ruled. Unfortunately, Griffin couldn't be there because he decided to have kids.
2:44 Griffin McElroy? What a loser.
2:45 Travis McElroy? Today.
2:46 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
2:47 Travis McElroy? Big announcement.
2:49 Travis McElroy? We're done. Done it again.
2:51 Griffin McElroy? I just wish Griffin could somehow experience it, Travis.
2:54 Travis McElroy? Oh my god, Justin, good news. We have video from it.
2:58 Griffin McElroy? I can't wait to see this. Why am I bloody?
3:01 Speaker 04 Get it. Get it up my face.
3:04 Griffin McElroy? Shit, guys, what is this?
3:07 Speaker 04 Oh no! Oh, come on!
3:13 Griffin McElroy? Whoa!
3:14 Speaker 04 Okay, okay, okay.
3:16 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, I got killed there. That's me getting killed by a big axe. If I was really in this situation, I would die. Many times, I learned, yeah.
3:26 Griffin McElroy? You guys look so inactive. There we go.
3:28 Travis McElroy? Now we're going, look, we're surrounded.
3:30 Travis McElroy? Yeah, look at me.
3:31 Griffin McElroy? The most nonchalant fantasy heroes of all time.
3:35 Travis McElroy? Well, Travis told us he can, he figured out he can hurt guys just by wiggling it. So he started wiggling it more.
3:41 Travis McElroy? Please, you have to say wiggle his sword. You can't just say wiggling it. That video, that video does not show the moment where I attempted to jump back from getting hit by a swinging axe and fully just went over a crouched down Amanda like she was half of a schoolyard bully push scenario.
4:03 Griffin McElroy? You guys looked even cooler in the real life footage than in the video game footage.
4:08 Travis McElroy? Yeah, somehow, right?
4:09 Travis McElroy? And Griffin, let me tell you, the sweatiest I've ever been in my entire life.
4:13 Griffin McElroy? Not surprising, even a little bit.
4:15 Travis McElroy? The lady came in afterwards with the towel and I was almost, "Please let me, I'll go clean my own equipment, thank you so much, you shouldn't have to do this." Uh, this is an advice show.
4:28 Travis McElroy? And we are going to take your questions and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom.
4:32 Travis McElroy? But first, fuck.
4:38 Travis McElroy? Papa's got a brand new game, let's see it, boy.
4:47 Travis McElroy? Welcome, everybody, to Portman Whoa, the hottest new game show with your host Travis McElroy, that's me.
4:58 Travis McElroy? Okay, I'm sorry, can we stop the music? Can we stop this? First of all, I hate this, he's been playing this game backstage with us, I hate to ruin it for you, but it's called, he's been calling it Zero Degrees to Natalie Portman. And basically, he just says "go" and then you have to say "Natalie Portman."
5:13 Griffin McElroy? As fast as you can.
5:14 Travis McElroy? Yeah, as fast as you can, it's like...
5:15 Griffin McElroy? You don't even have to name a Natalie Portman movie, you just say...
5:18 Travis McElroy? You just have to say Natalie Portman.
5:19 Griffin McElroy? So it's not gonna be...
5:20 Travis McElroy? If you guys don't like it, why do you keep saying Natalie Portman's okay?
5:24 Travis McElroy? Because I don't wanna lose, I mean, I don't wanna lose.
5:26 Travis McElroy? Exactly.
5:27 Griffin McElroy? As is always the case, Travis, your games are not my favorite games, but I will kick as much ass at them as I possibly can.
5:34 Travis McElroy? The original name, the name of this game was actually, um, Sometimes Words Sound Like Other Words The Game?
5:40 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
5:41 Travis McElroy? But that did not test well.
5:42 Griffin McElroy? No.
5:43 Travis McElroy? So we changed that.
5:44 Griffin McElroy? Unlike this, which was universally beloved.
5:48 Travis McElroy? This got 100% test rate with myself.
5:51 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, great.
5:52 Travis McElroy? I'm going to give you...
5:54 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
5:54 Travis McElroy? The clue.
5:56 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
5:56 Travis McElroy? And you're going to give me the portmanteau I am describing.
6:00 Travis McElroy? This is just your dirty games, but not dirty, this is like work of art, but not dirty.
6:05 Travis McElroy? I'm evolving as an artist.
6:08 Travis McElroy? Don't you mean as a fartist?
6:10 Griffin McElroy? No Travis, they're just in, don't tip-
6:13 Travis McElroy? That's pure oil and menace me. This is Portman Who.
6:18 Travis McElroy? I'm evolving as an artist. I'm getting worse.
6:21 Travis McElroy? Grow up.
6:22 Travis McElroy? Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. Portman Who, classy.
6:26 Travis McElroy? Alright. Your first clue.
6:29 Griffin McElroy? Yep.
6:31 Travis McElroy? What they would have called the park if Walt had written Mickey and Friends to be pick-up artists?
6:39 Griffin McElroy? Walt Jisney World? No, this isn't, no, this is not Work of Fart. It's not Work of Fart and I'm really sorry, because it's probably not Walt Jisney World?
6:46 Travis McElroy? No, J- no. Thank you.
6:49 Griffin McElroy? Don't fucking buzz me, Paul!
6:53 Travis McElroy? Wait, so, is it a-
6:55 Griffin McElroy? Better be careful, Justin, or Paul's gonna fucking buzz you.
6:58 Travis McElroy? On your own podcast, Griffin, that doesn't sound right.
7:02 Travis McElroy? This is my game show, not your podcast.
7:04 Travis McElroy? Okay.
7:04 Griffin McElroy? Okay, great, man. Great energy. Okay. What they would have called the park if it was for pick-up artists instead of about Mickey Mouse?
7:16 Travis McElroy? No, Mickey and Friends were pick-up artists, but yes.
7:18 Griffin McElroy? Goddammit. Mis- Mysteryland?
7:22 Travis McElroy? It's a Portman toe!
7:24 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, man, I- I gotta tell you, Travis, Work of Fart was a lot cleaner, um-
7:29 Travis McElroy? I'm gonna say it and you're gonna be like, Travis, you're actually a genius, that's great.
7:32 Griffin McElroy? Okay.
7:33 Travis McElroy? Okay.
7:33 Travis McElroy? Do you wanna hear the answer?
7:34 Travis McElroy? Is the answer Travis, you're actually a genius, that's great? Because I can get out ahead of that.
7:38 Travis McElroy? No, the answer is Rizny World!
7:40 Griffin McElroy? Rizny World, okay. You don't have to give him the correct answer, like, he made the game, so like... They don't throw a fucking parade for, uh, Ken Jennings every time he says what the answer is on Jeopardy, you know what I mean?
7:55 Travis McElroy? Technically, he says what the question is, but yeah.
7:57 Griffin McElroy? Damn it.
8:01 Travis McElroy? Get him.
8:04 Travis McElroy? Second, Portman Whoa.
8:07 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
8:09 Travis McElroy? Three podcasting brothers.
8:11 Travis McElroy? Hey.
8:12 Travis McElroy? Release a boxed pasta dish.
8:16 Travis McElroy? Phew. Release a boxed pasta dish?
8:20 Travis McElroy? A pasta dish in a box that you can make for dinner.
8:25 Travis McElroy? Crap. Um, um, uh.
8:28 Griffin McElroy? Hamboy.
8:29 Travis McElroy? My boy girl.
8:30 Travis McElroy? Ha, ha.
8:31 Travis McElroy? My.
8:32 Travis McElroy? Stop!
8:34 Travis McElroy? My brother, my brother, and macaroni and cheese and me.
8:37 Travis McElroy? No.
8:40 Griffin McElroy? Kraft, mackerel brother, and...
8:42 Travis McElroy? Oh, you were close.
8:44 Griffin McElroy? Kraft. Boys! Kraft, Kraft?
8:46 Travis McElroy? No.
8:47 Griffin McElroy? Fuck.
8:49 Griffin McElroy? Stop it!
8:52 Griffin McElroy? Mackerel, mackerel brony and cheese.
8:55 Travis McElroy? Judges? Yes, so what game is it? Mackeroni and cheese.
9:01 Travis McElroy? Mackeroni and cheese is like a third one.
9:03 Griffin McElroy? Literally exactly what I said.
9:04 Travis McElroy? No, no, like, mackerel, Travis said mackeroni.
9:07 Travis McElroy? Mackeroni.
9:08 Travis McElroy? You put in bro and put in another one. That's like a third joke in there, Griffin.
9:13 Griffin McElroy? Awesome. I'm so good at this game. Thank God.
9:17 Travis McElroy? Our final, Portman Whoa. Are you ready?
9:21 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
9:22 Travis McElroy? Pleasuring oneself at top speed.
9:25 Griffin McElroy? Fasturating.
9:27 Travis McElroy? Yeah!
9:32 Travis McElroy? Griffin wins!
9:33 Travis McElroy? Does he? I mean, does he?
9:36 Travis McElroy? Thank you. That's been Portman Whoa with your host Travis McElroy.
9:41 Travis McElroy? In...
9:42 Griffin McElroy? No notes.
9:43 Travis McElroy? No notes. "In 2024, I finally discovered the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas. This information is so funny to me that I need to tell everyone I know. The problem is, in order for that difference to really hit home, the conversation needs to come up organically. There are friends I have been waiting a full year to tell, and no matter how many times I throw garbanzo beans and chickpeas into a conversation, they never wonder aloud what the difference is. How can I get people to ask me this question more often in a way that feels natural?" That's from Bean Bud in Austin.
10:18 Griffin McElroy? Are you, are you, are you here? Hello?
10:22 Travis McElroy? I don't know the difference.
10:25 Griffin McElroy? Oh, well, I'll tell you. One's beans, one's peas.
10:30 Travis McElroy? I don't trust that.
10:31 Griffin McElroy? No.
10:31 Travis McElroy? Sometimes they call things, things that aren't things. Peanuts? No, they're legumes.
10:38 Griffin McElroy? I don't think anyone colloquially sort of calls them legumes.
10:41 Travis McElroy? It, we talked backstage about how much it would delight us to, not for jokes, but just kind of wonder aloud what the difference is. Just to really torture you. I don't know why.
10:54 Travis McElroy? It's the perfect opportunity and I'm not gonna ask.
10:56 Travis McElroy? I assume garbanzo beans are inherently cooler? Like when you see one, you're like, ooh.
11:02 Griffin McElroy? Ooh, that, but that has a more fun name. Person who asked this question, would you feel comfortable coming up to the, we have a microphone and usually we wait till the end of the show to do audience questions, but it does feel, hold on, wait, wait, wait.
11:15 Travis McElroy? It feels a little bit like if we don't.
11:17 Griffin McElroy? If you don't want to do it, just remain silent.
11:19 Travis McElroy? Nah, here they come.
11:20 Travis McElroy? Completely fine.
11:21 Griffin McElroy? Are you coming down? Okay, kick ass.
11:22 Travis McElroy? Now, okay, now wait, now wait. Uh, hello, what is your name? If you feel comfortable, give us your name.
11:27 Speaker 05 Hello, my name is Jesse.
11:28 Griffin McElroy? Hi Jesse.
11:29 Travis McElroy? Hi Jesse, I'm gonna set you up, you ready?
11:31 Travis McElroy? No wait, no wait, you don't set Jesse up. Here's the thing.
11:35 Travis McElroy? They asked, they said they wanted the question.
11:36 Travis McElroy? I know, but we have to be talking about it and Jesse's gotta find the window, right?
11:42 Travis McElroy? You're right, you're right, you're right.
11:43 Travis McElroy? Okay, so we're gonna be talking, Jesse, you'll know it when it comes, but you've gotta be able to, to, okay?
11:49 Griffin McElroy? Don't miss the window too, cause we, I swear to God, we are three straight white men, we will talk right over.
11:56 Travis McElroy? But, this, uh.
11:57 Griffin McElroy? You have to work really hard to get a word in.
11:59 Travis McElroy? I got, I got it.
12:00 Travis McElroy? Yeah, can you just?
12:00 Travis McElroy? Yeah, Justin, Justin, she, then she left me.
12:06 Travis McElroy? She said it was over.
12:07 Travis McElroy? Sad as that is, this hummus is delicious.
12:12 Travis McElroy? I can't tell though if it's chickpeas or garbanzo beans.
12:15 Travis McElroy? Basically the same thing, right?
12:17 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, there's no difference. It's basically a homonym and that's the truth of the matter. Anyway, next conversation subject.
12:24 Travis McElroy? Yeah, I'm getting divorced.
12:26 Speaker 05 Actually, I can tell you the difference.
12:28 Travis McElroy? Wait, what?
12:29 Travis McElroy? Wait, between getting divorced and not getting divorced?
12:33 Griffin McElroy? What kind of lonely life await?
12:34 Travis McElroy? No, wait, no, no, do you remember a few minutes ago when we were talking about homeless? I think Jesse's referencing that instead of your divorce, which is clearly what we're talking about now.
12:42 Travis McElroy? Yeah, I'm just trying to open up.
12:44 Griffin McElroy? Jesse, read the fucking room.
12:46 Travis McElroy? All right, Trav, read.
12:48 Travis McElroy? No, but now I do need to know, because this is what mine and Denise's major fight was about. The difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas.
12:56 Travis McElroy? Go ahead, Travis. I told you, you just tortured yourself at this point, man. It doesn't matter what the difference is.
13:00 Travis McElroy? It does matter, Justin. It matters to me.
13:03 Travis McElroy? Go ahead, Jesse, he can take it.
13:06 Speaker 05 Um, the difference is, I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
13:38 Travis McElroy? That's gonna do it for us.
13:40 Griffin McElroy? Jesse, if we, Jesse, if we had known that what you were going to do would be the funniest thing that's gonna happen here tonight, we honestly probably would not have invited you to the microphone. We definitely-
13:57 Travis McElroy? We would have kept that for ourselves.
13:58 Travis McElroy? We have 62 more minutes of show to do.
14:00 Griffin McElroy? We would not have put it at the top of the show, Jesse. That was fucking entrapment.
14:05 Travis McElroy? Jesse, you didn't put the punch, this wasn't an audience question that was submitted. You didn't put the punchline in there. You were just gonna have these three dinko berries-
14:13 Travis McElroy? Jesse gave us all the clues. We walked right into Jesse's trap. Jesse gave us all the clues. We just sprang it. The perfect, the perfect, it's like one of those locked-room mysteries. Like, how is Jesse gonna get out of this one? Jesse, I did, Jesse.
14:30 Griffin McElroy? I didn't. I couldn't understand backstage why this would be such a... It would get so stuck in your craw.
14:38 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
14:39 Griffin McElroy? Why you would be waiting on fucking tenterhooks to illuminate what the difference is between these two. But now I absolutely indefinitely and totally get it.
14:49 Travis McElroy? I'm a 41-year-old person who has been making comedy on the internet and existing on the internet for many years. And I don't know what it says about my level of naivete that when I saw this, I thought, "The difference must be really interesting."
15:04 Griffin McElroy? Jesse, just by a show of cheer, do you feel like you've gotten it out of your system now, though?
15:10 Travis McElroy? Wait. The anecdote has expanded, so you now have more onroads, right? So now people just need to bring up podcasting or us, right?
15:19 Travis McElroy? Or embarrassing three cis white dudes.
15:22 Travis McElroy? Yeah, funny story about that. Hold on one second.
15:25 Griffin McElroy? What's the difference between... This is gonna seem like a tangent, but...
15:29 Travis McElroy? Thank you so much, Jesse. Fantastic.
15:35 Travis McElroy? "I am 31 years old and I just bought my first house with my partner. At our housewarming party, my sister gifted us a 10-foot trampoline, fulfilling a longtime dream of being an adult that has their own trampoline to use whenever they want. We love our trampoline, but I find that I am not jumping on it as often as I had wished due to work or other adult-type things that ruin fun. Brothers, how do I make sure that I get in time to bring back the childlike wonder to my life that I so crave?" That's from aspiring aerial adult in Austin, Texas.
16:07 Griffin McElroy? Are you here? You're up high. That's appropriate. That works.
16:11 Travis McElroy? I don't wanna... I don't wanna seem like a downer, but I think 10 feet is too high for a trampoline to be.
16:18 Travis McElroy? Yeah, that doesn't seem safe or regulation, honestly.
16:22 Griffin McElroy? There's not a safe trampoline, guys. Like, you can put one of those two inches off the ground, like, life finds a way.
16:32 Travis McElroy? I guess that's... Now, Griffin, are you a trampoline fan?
16:35 Griffin McElroy? We have a trampoline at our house in DC.
16:37 Travis McElroy? Hey, a smooth transition, I'll say.
16:40 Travis McElroy? I call it a tramposition.
16:42 Griffin McElroy? That doesn't make any fucking sense.
16:46 Griffin McElroy? And it is cool, like the kids wear themselves out on it, which I really like. But they also want me to jump on it sometimes and I don't know how to tell them that as a 38 year old man, like stuff is looser inside of me than it is in them. And that if I bounce up and down too much, I feel stuff shifting around inside. That that is so hugely worrying, so troubling.
17:13 Travis McElroy? Yeah, I could bounce the wrong way on a trampoline and it's just, that's, that's it.
17:17 Griffin McElroy? Your stomach flips over like an old dog and then that's, that's a wrap on juice.
17:23 Travis McElroy? Yeah, one of the organs ends up in the wrong place and that's it.
17:26 Griffin McElroy? It'll happen. It happens every day.
17:28 Travis McElroy? I think the solution to your problem is if the adult things in your life keep getting in the way of trampoline time.
17:34 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
17:35 Travis McElroy? Start to incorporate trampoline time into the adult things in your life. For example, important phone meeting or Zoom conversation? That could be done on a trampoline, easy.
17:47 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
17:48 Travis McElroy? That's a powerful business intimidation tactic.
17:52 Travis McElroy? Is the laptop like resting on the trampoline or what?
17:56 Griffin McElroy? You're popcorn-ing it, baby.
17:57 Travis McElroy? You're just popcorn-ing it up like, oh, one other thing, Derek. And we got items.
18:03 Travis McElroy? A romantic evening with a partner? That could be done on a trampoline, easy.
18:09 Griffin McElroy? How?
18:10 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
18:11 Griffin McElroy? Explain what you just said, cause it doesn't sound right to me.
18:15 Travis McElroy? Coordination. Lots of practice.
18:18 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
18:19 Travis McElroy? And a willingness to embarrass yourself.
18:21 Griffin McElroy? That's cool. And important and grown up, Travis. Thanks for, thanks for once again bringing.
18:27 Travis McElroy? But that's what romance is, isn't it?
18:29 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, it's, it's got its, it's got its ups and downs.
18:34 Travis McElroy? Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. We're doling out the high fives tonight, man.
18:39 Travis McElroy? It's like a Paul Hollywood handshake, but it's a Travis high five.
18:43 Griffin McElroy? It's even more meaningful.
18:45 Travis McElroy? That's true.
18:45 Travis McElroy? Hey, we're all getting into some new stuff tonight and I have a new segment that I would like to do for you guys.
18:53 Griffin McElroy? I'm excited to hear it.
18:54 Travis McElroy? It's a brand new and to celebrate it, I made, I had some extra time today and I started messing around with like Canva and I tried to do an intro and outro for it and I'd like to show you the intro for it if I could.
19:05 Griffin McElroy? Fuck yeah, man. Let's see it.
19:06 Travis McElroy? It's.
19:13 Travis McElroy? Whoa.
19:19 Travis McElroy? Who is that? That's Shaq.
19:21 Travis McElroy? Whoa.
19:24 Travis McElroy? Hi, welcome to Shaq Watch.
19:27 Travis McElroy? Welcome to Shaq Watch. I'm A- reporter Justin McRoy.
19:33 Travis McElroy? Um, I wanted to tell you guys about the latest and greatest in Shaq news, but there's honestly so much going on with Shaq right now that it actually has gotten-
19:41 Travis McElroy? It's a great time to be Shaq.
19:43 Travis McElroy? It's a good, it's a great time to be Shaq. It's even better time to be a Shaq fan. Um, let's check in on our first story with the Shaqalicious XL gummies.
19:53 Travis McElroy? Those are his shoes?
19:55 Travis McElroy? Those are Shaq, no Travis, those are gummies that look like Shaq's shoes. Are you kidding me right now with this? This is why Shaq won't come on the show. It's because of garbage like this. No Travis, those are, uh, gummies that are shaped like Shaq's shoes. They're a new addition to the Shaqalicious gummy line and it's brand new. Like it's just coming out right now. They're shoe-based on Shaq's shoes because he's also a shoe entrepreneur. We got three different flavors here, strawberry, mango and lime. And, uh, they're crafted to match his O'Neal's appetite for bigger bites and bolder flavor. They're XL-sized sneaker-shaped gummies and they're a tribute to his larger-than-life personality and legendary shoe size of 22.
20:40 Travis McElroy? So there's just three big gummies in that bag? Can I say, as a purveyor of poor man toes? Yeah. Shaqalicious tells me nothing about the quality.
20:52 Travis McElroy? Yeah, it tastes like Shaq! Following its launch in 2024, Shaqalicious XL gummies became Hershey's number one sweet launch of the year with over 11 million units sold. The line, yeah, the line, including these new sneaker-shaped gummies, was ideated, developed and taste-tested by the big man himself.
21:16 Travis McElroy? Developed? He was in the lab?
21:21 Travis McElroy? Shackalicious.
21:21 Travis McElroy? He was mixing it up?
21:23 Travis McElroy? Shackalicious started with big ideas. Make candy that's bold, fun, and full of flavor. Now we're stepping it up with sneaker-shaped gummies and three wild new flavors for gummy lovers everywhere, said Shaquille O'Neal. I've been a part of this from the start. From the flavors to the shapes. Yes, Shaq has helped come up with the shapes, which to this point have included a cactus, Shaq's face, a four-leaf clover, and now three shoes. Thank you Shaq!
21:52 Travis McElroy? Not a, not a shactus?
21:55 Griffin McElroy? Why? Why? Why? Of all of those, I don't know why this is the one that's bumping for me, but why a cactus?
22:02 Travis McElroy? Cause it's-
22:02 Travis McElroy? A shactus!
22:03 Travis McElroy? Cause this is a big cactus. And the big shambra.
22:05 Travis McElroy? Shactus!
22:06 Travis McElroy? The big shactus, man.
22:07 Travis McElroy? Thank you.
22:08 Travis McElroy? Okay, next story. Don't worry about Shakaroni going away, guys, cause Shakaroni is now on the menu forever.
22:17 Griffin McElroy? That's quite the promise, Shaquille O'Neal.
22:21 Travis McElroy? Shaquille O'Neal-
22:21 Travis McElroy? They couldn't get him a better sign?
22:24 Travis McElroy? It's official-
22:24 Travis McElroy? For the photo?
22:25 Travis McElroy? He made it himself. Shut up. Originally launched as a limited-time offering in the summer of 2020, the Shakaroni quickly became an item fans eagerly waited to enjoy year after year, thanks to its extra-large size, extra cheese, and extra pepperoni. "The Shakaroni isn't just a pizza, it's a slam dunk," O'Neal said. I'm pumped! I'm pumped that it's now here to stay. It's big, it's delicious, and it brings people together just like pizza should! To welcome Shakaroni to the Papa John's core menu, O'Neal is sending Shakaronis to organizations supporting important causes. Hopefully, it's more of a coupon deal.
23:06 Travis McElroy? Instead of him taping them up in a box and mailing them to the Boys and Girls Club.
23:11 Travis McElroy? Here's a hundred pizzas to say thank you.
23:15 Griffin McElroy? The idea of it being eternally on the menu, I do have a problem with. One, it suggests that Papa John's will be around until the heat death of the universe, which seems like they've weathered too many storms to achieve that.
23:28 Travis McElroy? That's an interesting point, Griffin. Here's another interesting point. Did you realize that until the end of his term, Shaquille O'Neal is currently the president of basketball? It's true.
23:38 Travis McElroy? Wait, what?
23:39 Travis McElroy? Yes, Reebok.
23:40 Travis McElroy? I didn't know that was a position to be held, Justin.
23:43 Travis McElroy? Yes.
23:43 Travis McElroy? I haven't been doing any effort towards campaigning.
23:46 Travis McElroy? Yes, unfortunately, in 2023, Reebok appointed Shaquille O'Neal to president of basketball. So he has two more years in his term by my math. Reebok, the iconic and irreverent sports culture brand, announced longtime brand partner and legendary Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal as the president of basketball.
24:03 Travis McElroy? Now, if Reebok didn't give the other brands a chance to weigh in, it's not a presidency so much as a dictatorship.
24:10 Travis McElroy? That's true.
24:11 Travis McElroy? He has been declared, this was a basketball coup.
24:14 Travis McElroy? Yes. Um, throughout his epic 19-year career, O'Neal redefined the dominant big man role, tearing down backboards and racket. They, I bet they hate that.
24:25 Griffin McElroy? Oh, for sure, man.
24:26 Travis McElroy? I bet they just hate the dickens out of that.
24:28 Griffin McElroy? They have to stop the game and everything.
24:30 Travis McElroy? Yeah, even if they keep extra ones around, which only so many.
24:34 Griffin McElroy? Right.
24:34 Travis McElroy? At a certain point, it does take a while to change how.
24:38 Travis McElroy? Yeah. Now, how is Shaq using his incredible power as the president of basketball in this partnership with Reebok, you ask? Uh, in one of the most unhinged things I've ever seen in my entire life, Paul, let's see the shoes.
24:50 Travis McElroy? Huh.
24:51 Griffin McElroy? What is?
24:52 Travis McElroy? Wait, what?
24:53 Griffin McElroy? Wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
24:55 Travis McElroy? Wait. What's going on in the bottom there?
24:58 Travis McElroy? I'm gonna tell you.
24:59 Griffin McElroy? My eyes keep darting around to different incredible details.
25:03 Travis McElroy? Right.
25:03 Griffin McElroy? Right now, I'm stuck on the sneaker.
25:06 Travis McElroy? In the 1992 Pepsi partner with Shaquille O'Neal and Reebok for the first time, a celebration of the man who was taking Orlando in the league by storm. Fast forward 32 years and Shaq is as buzzy as ever. Recently showing love to Pepsi Minis with 90's icon Ski Low and having his magic number 32 race to the rafters last week. Big Diesel continues to be at the center of sports culture. Now Pepsi is collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi Sneaker. Cause, I don't know, man. Pepsi Sneaker, custom-built Reebok pump Shaq's attack courtesy of the.
25:40 Griffin McElroy? That's too many words.
25:41 Travis McElroy? That's a lot of words, man. Curd, I'm not done, okay? The name of it is Pepsi's collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi Sneaker, custom-built Reebok pump Shaq attacks courtesy of the shoe surgeon.
25:56 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, I don't, I don't want anyone off the street cutting secret Pepsi holes into my shoes. I need someone who went to shoe medical school for 12 years.
26:06 Travis McElroy? Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with my spine? Well, let me see the bottom of your feet. This has happened a lot lately. Yep, there it is, another Pepsi can.
26:17 Travis McElroy? These aren't just another pair of custom kicks, though. These are size 22 Reeboks. They're tailor made for the larger than life Shaq, who loves Pepsi Mini so much, he wanted a sneaker be able to bring them with him to enjoy wherever he goes.
26:32 Griffin McElroy? Okay. So, if you try to board an airplane with one of these on your feet.
26:40 Travis McElroy? Oh, here's the thing. This solves a problem that doesn't exist. How to get a can of Pepsi somewhere.
26:47 Griffin McElroy? Right.
26:48 Travis McElroy? What it creates is a multitude of potential issues. There are so many things on the ground that would puncture a Pepsi can on the bottom of my shoe. And the idea of suddenly taking a step and just Pepsi spraying all around me as I explained. Listen, I was trying to sneak a can of Pepsi in the bottom of my shoe.
27:13 Travis McElroy? Yes, I will go straight to prison. Thank you so much.
27:16 Griffin McElroy? Is it a platform situation? Or like an internal high heel? Because the Pepsi is where foot traditionally goes.
27:24 Travis McElroy? No, this is the thing. He has a size 22 foot because the middle of it's concave. And all the extra foot went out to the side.
27:33 Griffin McElroy? Right.
27:36 Travis McElroy? With the help of the shoe surgeon, an original pair of Reebok Pump Shaq attacks has been retrofitted to fit a full Pepsi mini can.
27:43 Griffin McElroy? Is this a news story about one pair of shoes?
27:46 Travis McElroy? No, it's a feet only possible due to the mammoth sized 22 shoe. The Pepsi sneaker allows Shaq to tote around.
27:54 Travis McElroy? They just keep saying the shoe surgeon, by the way, and not giving any details as to what that could possibly mean.
27:59 Travis McElroy? Okay, listen, Travis, if you don't know who the shoe surgeon is going in, they are not going to be able to make you care about it right now. The Pepsi sneaker allows Shaq to tote around a Pepsi mini can so that he can enjoy a crisp and refreshing sip of Pepsi or Pepsi Zero Sugar whenever the urge arises. Guys-
28:20 Travis McElroy? Is he unaware of pockets?
28:22 Travis McElroy? If I fucking saw Shaquille O'Neal and we were just talking, he's like, "Hold on a second, old chap." And he's like, pops up his leg on top of his knee and he's like, "Tssss." And that's the opening of the shoe. That's just a shoe. And then there's another, "Tssss." That's the can.
28:38 Griffin McElroy? That's cool, that's cool.
28:39 Travis McElroy? Pump action, he has to release the air.
28:41 Griffin McElroy? That's cool that you think that's the sound that that would make after walking around on your soda can all day and not-
28:46 Travis McElroy? Oh, God!
28:50 Travis McElroy? An additional 22 shoes will be available for fans to cop this week via a one-time Pepsi Sweepstakes. Some of Sh- Shoes Surgeon's key features include: Reebok's iconic pump has been turned into the Pepsi Globe. The colorway features Pepsi color palette. "Pepsi has been a core part of my career since the moment I joined the NBA," says Shaquille O'Neal, president of basketball at Reebok. That's what he is listed as. My partnership-
29:15 Travis McElroy? It should probably be like an Irish accent, because of like, "O'Neal."
29:19 Travis McElroy? That would be, I, nah, um, "My partnership with Pepsi means, it's more like me now. Means so much to me because we're always out here having fun, innovating, bringing the noise. Now I'm pumped that I never have to be without my Pepsi mini cans."
29:34 Travis McElroy? I think it really sucks that they put this press release out and not have one picture of Shaquille O'Neal holding a Pepsi mini. I'm fucking furious.
29:42 Griffin McElroy? Absolutely.
29:43 Travis McElroy? Paul, I need our best people on this to see if you can find me an image of Shaquille O'Neal holding a Pepsi mini like me playing dollhouse with my kids. Please. Uh, no, actually, Paul, don't waste your time with that because we have to move on to our next story. Uh, uh, this one, Paul, I just want a Shaq watch, the time, as part of Shaq watch, I want a Shaq watch, the time Shaq got pushed into a Christmas tree.
30:08 Travis McElroy? Chuck, don't cheat. Don't cheat, Chuck.
30:12 Griffin McElroy? You just love Shaq watching Shaq get pushed into a Christmas tree?
30:15 Travis McElroy? Yes, I put it in the Shaq watch.
30:16 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, no, it's great. We should have a button on our stage. Anytime we do a live show, we can press when the energy starts to flag.
30:22 Travis McElroy? And you get to see-
30:23 Travis McElroy? Can I also point out Shaq a clause, once again?
30:27 Travis McElroy? Yeah, he can't be stopped. Uh, and last Shaq watch story, uh, do we have the image, Paul, of the-
30:36 Travis McElroy? Infektus working with Shaquille O'Neal for a multi-year, multi-platform deal on his own line of watches.
30:42 Griffin McElroy? Can I tell you, was it right on the tin, man? That's great.
30:45 Travis McElroy? Freaking my bean, Justin.
30:47 Travis McElroy? What is it, Trav?
30:47 Travis McElroy? That watch looks big on Shaq.
30:50 Travis McElroy? Yeah, think about that for a second.
30:52 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
30:52 Travis McElroy? The tendons in his arm are actually stretching so badly right now. It's 35 pounds. He's doing everything he can to keep it off.
30:59 Travis McElroy? I'm trying to imagine how that would translate to my own dainty wrist.
31:04 Travis McElroy? Thanks for this week's Shaq watch.
31:06 Griffin McElroy? Thank you to you.
31:13 Travis McElroy? My girlfriend is determined to teach me how to swim. I'm not interested in learning. She used to be a swimmer and even worked as a swim instructor for a while, so she thinks she can teach me. But I swear, I sink like a rock anytime I get in the water. How can I convince her that I don't need to learn how to swim and that I just want to lounge by the side of the pool? That's from Dry Land Dweller in Dallas.
31:37 Griffin McElroy? Are you here?
31:41 Griffin McElroy? I've, we've been doing this for a long time. I have never heard two people shout in response to that question and one of them go, "No!"
31:54 Travis McElroy? What on God's green earth?
31:59 Travis McElroy? What the fuck is happening? Are you a throat singer?
32:05 Travis McElroy? I want to try it again, okay? And just the one would be grand. Are you here? Hi.
32:11 Griffin McElroy? Hi.
32:12 Travis McElroy? Hi, hello.
32:17 Griffin McElroy? Tough to come back from that moment. Give us a moment to process.
32:22 Travis McElroy? I love to float around. I love to splash around. So this is a little bit hard for me to relate to, but I can't remember a time when I didn't float. I've always been very floaty. It's, I don't, and that's my privilege, you know what I mean? And I've never really checked it.
32:38 Travis McElroy? He's born floating and he'll die floating.
32:40 Travis McElroy? You know, we are born knowing how to swim. It's one of the best baby facts. You chuck a baby in there, he'll figure it out. Until a point-
32:46 Travis McElroy? No way, don't chuck a baby in there!
32:49 Travis McElroy? I'm not saying you should, obviously, we do have an intro just for that. Even though Dad is kind of turning it into a bit of a one-act play. And we maybe need to like, bring it back a little bit.
32:59 Travis McElroy? Travis says he's a sex work thing in a way that made me-
33:03 Travis McElroy? Yeah, we don't need to turn it into a whole Noel Coward thing, man. We can just go ahead and say the intro, you know?
33:09 Travis McElroy? This is very personal for me because Teresa was a lifeguard and swimming instructor for many years. And I, I am not great at swimming. Good enough, I would say, to survive. In the day-to-day scenarios I find myself in.
33:25 Griffin McElroy? I don't think I've sw- swimm'd with you in forever, man.
33:29 Travis McElroy? I don't care for it, there's many things I can do that other people can't. It's fine, I'm better at cross-stitch than Teresa is. And you don't hear me making a big deal about it.
33:38 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, but, okay, but wait. If Teresa falls into a cross-stitching store, she won't die.
33:44 Travis McElroy? Yes, thank you, Griffin, thank you.
33:46 Griffin McElroy? There is a certain safety concern, uh, where that, that information will not become immediately life-or-death-important for your life.
33:54 Travis McElroy? When I was about 19, Justin and I went whitewater rafting with some of our friends. I went under the water, I've never been good at holding my, like, holding my breath underwater without holding my nose. I went underwater, starts to go under my nose, I'm going, ugh, all tossed around. And you know what thought crossed my mind? Well, this is death. I was at peace, Griffin. I was fine, I wasn't struggling. And then, a powerful hand reached down, it was my older brother Justin, who grabbed the back of my life jacket, which was ineffective, and pulled me back basically up onto the boat. And I learned, Van Griffin, that I might not know how to swim, but other people will save me, and I better just rest on that.
34:32 Travis McElroy? Yeah, he did learn the wrong lesson, to be fair, yeah, I don't think he got the-
34:35 Griffin McElroy? And you gave Justin a great gift in giving him his own Schlitterbaum hero moment.
34:44 Travis McElroy? All I'm saying is if you fall in the water, there's always gonna be someone else there to save you.
34:48 Travis McElroy? Not true at all. Demonstrably untrue. A lot of bad advice getting bandied about here this evening.
34:54 Travis McElroy? Throw your babies in the water, throw yourself in afterwards. You're gonna be fine.
34:59 Travis McElroy? You gotta be careful with this podcast. It's often incorrect. A lot of people will want to forget that. Once a month, the restaurant I work for hires a professional knife sharpener. I'm a college student and obviously I can't hire my own professional knife sharpener. So I need to figure out a way to get my, all my personal knives into work without anyone noticing. Also, how should I transport the aforementioned loose knives? That's from Doll in Dallas. Are you here? Okay, so...
35:31 Griffin McElroy? Can I interest you in some Charles Barkley knife shoes?
35:37 Griffin McElroy? They're special shoes Charles Barkley made where you can fit 13 knives into them.
35:44 Travis McElroy? Do you remember his great...
35:45 Travis McElroy? But then what do you do with the 14th, Griffin?
35:49 Griffin McElroy? The 14, oh, are there 14 knives? You carry that one in your hands and people will look at you and say, "I'm scared." You say, "What?" till you find out about my 13 knife shoes.
35:58 Travis McElroy? How are you with juggling?
36:00 Travis McElroy? I actually think exfiltrating the knives is harder than getting them in, right? Cause like, how do you explain the knife sharpener like, "I'll put this one in this bag." Over here, here. Let me hold on to those.
36:12 Travis McElroy? Let me wet my beak with some of these sharp knives.
36:15 Travis McElroy? Do you think just out of politeness, you would just, you wouldn't put all of them in at once, right? They would be like in a groove sharpening and you just kinda like slide one of your knives in when they're not really paying attention.
36:25 Travis McElroy? One for them, one for me.
36:29 Travis McElroy? No, you don't understand. I gotta wet my beak.
36:31 Griffin McElroy? I also, I know that working with dull knives is more dangerous than sharp knives, but I do think that smuggling dull knives in a big bag is probably safer than smuggling a big bag of very, very sharp knives.
36:41 Travis McElroy? You're gonna need a big hunk of cork?
36:44 Travis McElroy? Ooh. Trav, do you know how to do the thing where you run the knife along the stick? You know, the stick.
36:49 Travis McElroy? Yeah, the strap.
36:51 Travis McElroy? Yeah, you know how to do that.
36:52 Travis McElroy? The old "sweeney todd", as we call it in the business.
36:55 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
36:55 Griffin McElroy? God, I hope that's not the vibe of the person who comes into your place and be like...
36:59 Travis McElroy? Hey, Griffin, if you were good enough at sharpening knives that you were getting paid to do it, you don't think you're bringing a little of that heat in there?
37:08 Griffin McElroy? Have you ever gotten a knife sharp... I've gotten a knife sharpened by a professional here in Austin at, I think, the Mueller Farmers Market on Sundays. There is someone who will sharpen your knives. And we would go for other stuff, and obviously not knife sharpening, but after a while I was like, "Yeah, I guess the knives are getting a little dull, brought it in." I felt like I was in like, fucking Skyrim, guys, it was so cool.
37:30 Travis McElroy? You know, as they're sharpening it and they say like, "The curve of the blade, like a lover." You know that kind of rhyme?
37:36 Travis McElroy? Hold RT for a power attack against the Goblin Ki... yeah.
37:41 Travis McElroy? The Goblin King like a lover.
37:43 Travis McElroy? Yes. I, you know, you may not be able to afford a professional knife sharpener, but perhaps you go to the professional knife sharpener and you say hello. "I don't have the money to pay you, but if you are willing to take me as an apprentice, I will work underneath you and I'll learn your ways." My heart is pure. And then you go to your boss like, "Hey, fuck this dude. He's charging a hundred bucks an hour. I will undercut him twenty bucks, no problem. You bump my pay up a little bit, like five percent a year, I'm a professional knife sharpener too, okay?"
38:12 Travis McElroy? But also, boss, not yet, because I did just start the apprenticeship. Don't, hey, don't tell him.
38:19 Travis McElroy? Don't get rid of him yet, because I do need to learn all the tricks of the trade.
38:22 Travis McElroy? And when you see me coming with him, act like you don't know me, okay?
38:26 Griffin McElroy? The knife sharpener's not gonna complain about all the extra work, because you know the knife sharpener takes all those extra metal scrapings home to make bonus knives.
38:33 Travis McElroy? I can't, I cannot imagine how much, uh, extra paprika the professional knife sharpener is putting on the sandwich to make it look like you need to pay someone to come and sharpen your knives for you. There must be a whole presentation about it that makes it seem worthwhile.
38:48 Travis McElroy? If I was a professional knife sharpener and I worked for a restaurant, I would get a really convincing disguise.
38:54 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
38:54 Travis McElroy? And then I would show up at that restaurant every day and just really abuse that knife as hard as I could, just like have my own stone I'd try to cut up, and then be like, "This needs to be sharpened!" And then sneak away, because that's... Good business.
39:11 Griffin McElroy? It would be great to have any kind of practical skill at all.
39:14 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
39:24 Travis McElroy? Hi, everyone. We may sound a little bit different to you because we're coming from a magical space, a cyberspace, a Squarespace, if you will.
39:33 Griffin McElroy? We're on, we're on stage in San Antonio.
39:35 Travis McElroy? Yeah, but people don't need to, Griffin, they don't need to.
39:38 Griffin McElroy? There's never been a better time to start using online. And Squarespace is the diving board you can use to get your face wet in the, in the wa-
39:48 Travis McElroy? What?
39:48 Griffin McElroy? In the water of it. Don't, don't jump in now.
39:51 Travis McElroy? Can I tell you?
39:51 Griffin McElroy? Don't jump it. Don't say, "I'm gonna take a backseat on these ads and then jump it." Don't wave your hand in front of your face like it's a fart smell.
39:57 Travis McElroy? Can I tell you, sometimes Griffin, it's really hard to be the first one to speak. We all sat here for silence and I was like, "We're in cyberspace." And you're like, "No, that's dumb." And then you started saying your thing. And then you said, "Get your, use the diving board of Squarespace to get your face wet."
40:10 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
40:10 Travis McElroy? Okay, for the record, I was, I was-
40:12 Griffin McElroy? And then Justin made a fart smell sound.
40:14 Travis McElroy? I wasn't making your PPU waving away. That was wafting. I was enjoying it. No, that was a definite wave away.
40:20 Griffin McElroy? It makes me so angry because every time I listen to-
40:23 Travis McElroy? Like I uncored to find vintage.
40:25 Griffin McElroy? When I listen to other podcasts, their ads are all like direct experience. And we've used Squarespace to make so many websites. And it is easy to make things that look like you know what you're doing.
40:35 Travis McElroy? Yes.
40:36 Griffin McElroy? We could, we could speak for hours about that, of our direct experience. And yet we've done.
40:40 Travis McElroy? But we've done it. Because I'm afraid to be that vulnerable, Griffin, to talk about how important Squarespace is to me. We've explained so many times how great Squarespace is and how all the different templates are great. I think the best, most important thing we could do for Squarespace now is show how supportive they are of artists, which is what every ti- like, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do art and when Squarespace pays for it, that shows people that the company supports art.
41:03 Griffin McElroy? It doesn't say this in the ad copy, but they should put, "We are single-handedly keeping my brother, my brother and me, the podcast, afloat."
41:11 Travis McElroy? That's true. Thank you.
41:12 Griffin McElroy? That's huge for us.
41:12 Travis McElroy? So, head to Squarespace.com/MyBrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MYBROTHER, all one word, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Please, they have been so supportive. It's time to give something back.
41:28 Griffin McElroy? At the airport to fly out here, my young son wanted to play a tornado game on his iPad. And I'm not gonna say the name of it for reasons that'll be clear later. But he wanted the, he wanted the poop tornado skin. But to do that, you had to either play or get a VIP membership for $6 a week.
41:49 Travis McElroy? A week?
41:49 Griffin McElroy? A week for the poop tornado. And I was like, yeah, I'll remember to cancel that. Folks, I'm telling you right now, I'm not gonna remember to cancel that. And that's why I depend on Rocket Money to catch the, all the $6 a week poop tornadoes that my four-year-old son sneaks.
42:05 Travis McElroy? Did you, Justin, did you really wanna spend $99 a week on Fidget Spin Poop Challenge? No, I don't, I don't.
42:11 Griffin McElroy? I do not. Thank you so much, Rocket Money. I'm glad someone's paying attention to this stuff because I simply don't have the bandwidth.
42:17 Travis McElroy? Rocket, I don't know who taught the kids the screen time password, but it wasn't Rocket Money.
42:21 Griffin McElroy? No.
42:22 Travis McElroy? And Rocket Money, if you're listening, might I suggest a feature where when I sign up for one of those games for my kids and I'm looking at the button, you just know it and text me like, hey, it's Rocket Money, I got you.
42:34 Griffin McElroy? Don't worry.
42:35 Travis McElroy? Don't worry, man. Go ahead and click the button. It says seven days, I'm gonna remind you in six days.
42:39 Griffin McElroy? He'll be bored of the poop tornado in 15 minutes and then I'm gonna hit you up. Rocket Money doesn't just help you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. They do do that and they do it really well.
42:48 Travis McElroy? They do.
42:48 Griffin McElroy? Thank you. And they do monitor your spending as well and they can help you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. It shows you all your expenses all in one place, including all the subscriptions to Fart Piano and Fart Tornado you forgot about. Uh, and Rocket Money's gonna help you cancel all of those.
43:04 Travis McElroy? Does the fart tornado come from playing fart piano too much and too fast?
43:08 Griffin McElroy? Yes. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/mybrother today. That's rocketmoney.com/mybrother. One last time, rocketmoney.com/mybrother.
43:34 Speaker 06 Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where Black People Love Paramore comes in. We're a pop culture podcast taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint: she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited, no matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.
44:18 Speaker 07 Hello?
44:19 Speaker 08 Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast.
44:22 Speaker 07 No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye.
44:24 Speaker 08 It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.
44:28 Speaker 07 I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old, she's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones, I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I?
44:47 Speaker 08 Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast...
44:48 Speaker 07 Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.
44:55 Speaker 08 Simply go to MaximumFun.org.
44:57 Speaker 07 I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!
45:04 Griffin McElroy? All right. We are going to call some folks down to the microphone. You should know where it is at. It's where Jesse lit our asses up earlier in the show. If we don't call you down, please don't come to the microphone. Hello? Angle the mic down and just talk right...
45:20 Travis McElroy? And if you want to give us your name and if you want to, your pronouns, and then give us your one-sentence question.
45:26 Griffin McElroy? And/or more sentences, you don't have to do... Love sentences. Hello?
45:29 Speaker 09 Hi, my name is Alyssa, she/her? Hi, Alyssa. So, my question is, how do I get my scientist colleague to unban horses from his research lab?
45:43 Griffin McElroy? Okay. So, obviously, Alyssa, this one, this one, we have a heuristic set up on our email account to flag most horse-based content.
45:51 Speaker 09 Of course, yes, of course.
45:53 Griffin McElroy? So, you're gonna need to explain to us, one, what kind of science is being performed here?
45:59 Travis McElroy? We honestly, can I be honest with you, we're not gonna be able to help with this one. We are just kinda curious why the horses got banned in the first place. I'm gonna be honest, like, I just kinda wanna hear how the horses got banned.
46:08 Speaker 09 That is completely fair. We are psychologists.
46:12 Griffin McElroy? Not what I was expecting, Alyssa, at all. I thought you were gonna say, like, we're equine biologists of some sort.
46:20 Travis McElroy? Let Alyssa talk, please.
46:22 Speaker 09 Um, so, I'm not, he's here with me, by the way.
46:27 Travis McElroy? Hey, unban horses. Done, now go on.
46:31 Travis McElroy? Now, what happened?
46:32 Travis McElroy? I said, "Do it!"
46:36 Travis McElroy? Okay, sorry, I need to hear what happened to get horses banned, please, go ahead. No, okay, go ahead.
46:44 Travis McElroy? We'll meet after the show.
46:45 Travis McElroy? You're not in the podcast. Go ahead. Please, stop, Travis, I just wanna hear, please.
46:50 Speaker 09 Um, I think it's a series of events, but I think the instigating factor was, we got into a discussion about horse video games.
46:59 Travis McElroy? Okay.
47:00 Speaker 09 And...
47:01 Travis McElroy? Video games for horses?
47:03 Travis McElroy? Did you bring a horse into the lab?
47:05 Speaker 09 No.
47:06 Travis McElroy? Oh, okay.
47:07 Speaker 09 But I, I mean, I want to now.
47:09 Travis McElroy? Aw, man.
47:10 Speaker 09 We got into a discussion about horse video games, and I won an argument that Red Dead Redemption 2 is a horse game.
47:18 Griffin McElroy? Absolutely, it's a horse game, yeah.
47:19 Speaker 09 Yes, thank you, thank you. And I think it made him so upset that he just, he just had to ban horses. We can't talk about horses.
47:26 Travis McElroy? So, you're not saying that physical, actual horses are banned, you're saying that, like, you can't talk about horses?
47:32 Speaker 09 We can't talk about horses, horses.
47:34 Travis McElroy? Well, I don't care about that.
47:35 Speaker 09 Listen.
47:36 Griffin McElroy? Alyssa, I care a lot.
47:38 Travis McElroy? I thought you had a horse there!
47:40 Speaker 09 I want to bring a horse in, but I can't now.
47:42 Travis McElroy? Is it a second-floor lab?
47:45 Speaker 09 It is, it is a, on the fourth floor. Fourth floor?
47:48 Travis McElroy? Hey, then you're not allowed to bring horses in there.
47:50 Travis McElroy? You can't bring horses on the fourth floor anywhere. Horses talk about fourth floors the way that we talk about genies. You're like, they don't believe in them. It's like a magical thing they heard from a friend.
48:00 Travis McElroy? There is no method of getting the horse up there that the horse would enjoy.
48:05 Speaker 09 We have large elevators, we can, we can do it.
48:08 Travis McElroy? So you're telling me you put a horse...
48:09 Travis McElroy? No, no, no, no. The scientists who banned horses can't be like, "We have a freight elevator. We could get a fucking horse in there if we wanted to." You're not on a podcast. History has forgotten your perspective.
48:18 Travis McElroy? You might have an elevator large enough for a horse, but there is no amount of arguing you could do that would convince me that if you put a horse on an elevator and once it started going, the horse would think, "Yeah, I'm fine with this."
48:30 Travis McElroy? Yeah, this is great. I'm going which way now?
48:32 Travis McElroy? This is not a weird experience at all for me.
48:34 Travis McElroy? Sorry, which way am I going? Up? That's crazy. I've never gone up before. I didn't know there was an up.
48:40 Speaker 09 That's fair, but, I mean, horses deserve to have careers in STEM as well.
48:46 Travis McElroy? Yeah, but Alyssa...
48:47 Travis McElroy? Yeah, we sent a horse to college. We get it.
48:50 Travis McElroy? Don't lecture us about horses in education.
48:52 Griffin McElroy? Alyssa, I apologize if we lashed out at you. There was much discussion backstage of just like, "How did a horse get in there?" And how many Erlin Meyer flasks did they trample beneath their mighty hooves?
49:05 Travis McElroy? So I'm sorry...
49:06 Travis McElroy? Maybe it was a thing where the horse walked up to the blackboard where there was a problem that your partner couldn't solve. And then the horse did it and then went back to being a janitor. And they're like, "Holy shit." This is Goodwill horsing. It's a movie I'm working on and...
49:20 Travis McElroy? So if we had known it was on the fourth floor, we would have never taken this question because obviously you can't have a horse on the fourth floor. I hope you understand. Thank you so much for your time. Did that help?
49:32 Speaker 09 Maybe.
49:32 Travis McElroy? Yes, okay, fair enough. I'll take it. Thank you so much.
49:35 Griffin McElroy? Thank you, Alyssa.
49:36 Travis McElroy? Thank you, thank you, Alyssa.
49:40 Griffin McElroy? Hello.
49:41 Speaker 10 Hello, I'm Nora, she/her pronouns.
49:43 Griffin McElroy? Hi Nora, how can we help?
49:45 Speaker 10 At one point, do I tell my mom that it took me 10 years to finish college, not 4?
49:51 Travis McElroy? Okay, I would suggest that you are already working at a 6-year deficit, right? The clock is definitely ticking, because we are 6 years behind the time when this news would need to get delivered, right?
50:03 Travis McElroy? How long has it been since you actually graduated college?
50:06 Speaker 10 1 year.
50:07 Travis McElroy? So that's 7 years total. What does your mom think you were doing for that extra 6 years?
50:15 Speaker 10 Um, working.
50:16 Travis McElroy? But you weren't working?
50:18 Speaker 10 I was working, yes.
50:19 Travis McElroy? Okay, well that's no problem. Were you working on a surprise gift degree for your mom in secret? Like, that's why you couldn't tell her? Like, at Christmas, when you can't tell your parents the pottery you're making? Because it's a surprise gift? Was this degree maybe a surprise gift for your mom?
50:35 Griffin McElroy? I don't think they let you go to college for someone else.
50:39 Travis McElroy? It's just, Griffin, it's just an idea, man.
50:44 Griffin McElroy? How did this, how did this become a ruse that you deli... Was there a junction where you were like... They were like, "Hey, congratulations." And you were like, "Oh, fuck, uh, thanks." And then for 7 years, you just kinda had to spin those plates?
50:58 Speaker 10 So, I, um, gra... I was supposed to graduate in December of 2018.
51:03 Travis McElroy? Uh-huh.
51:04 Speaker 10 But I walked in May of 2018, because I don't have graduation... Official graduations in December. So, and then I didn't graduate in December of 2018. My whole family went to this graduation ceremony.
51:15 Travis McElroy? Oh my god.
51:15 Travis McElroy? No, wait, hold on.
51:16 Travis McElroy? Did you walk?
51:17 Speaker 10 I walked.
51:18 Travis McElroy? Oh, that's good, that's way better.
51:20 Travis McElroy? Hey, guess what, Nora? You did graduate.
51:23 Travis McElroy? Yeah, Nora, I, I don't know how to tell you this, but like... And this is something I feel like we, as a culture, do not talk about. Going to a graduation ceremony for someone else is the most self-sacrificial thing you can do for another human being. I would rather go to a funeral, or a wedding, or anything than a gr... Graduation? You know how long it's gonna take? Nobody knows.
51:45 Travis McElroy? And, and unlike a wedding, I don't know most... Of the people it centers on.
51:50 Travis McElroy? They pull into hour three and you're still there and you know when they're gonna stop? When they get to Z, Z, Z. That's when.
51:58 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, and at funerals, they don't make you watch them bury like 200 other people first.
52:04 Travis McElroy? 200 strangers and one person you give a shit about, honestly.
52:08 Travis McElroy? And they say like, "Don't cry until we get to the end, so that we kind of cry for everyone all together."
52:15 Travis McElroy? I had to go to Riley's law school graduation. Uh, double dip, I went, saw you graduate college, pal. Come on. So was it? You gotta choose.
52:24 Travis McElroy? Was it a thing where you needed like one more credit? And then you just said, "I'll get to it after the next leap year and a half."
52:31 Travis McElroy? What was the last, what was like, was there one dangling thing? For me, it was Spanish. I failed Spanish. I had to go to college for five years.
52:38 Speaker 10 Yeah, I had one credit left.
52:40 Travis McElroy? And it took you, Nora, I'm sorry.
52:42 Speaker 10 One class, one class, sorry.
52:44 Travis McElroy? What's, what is, what's the last credit?
52:46 Speaker 10 I had to take, uh, US history.
52:49 Travis McElroy? Oh, I can see why you wouldn't want to engage in that during that time period.
52:53 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
52:55 Travis McElroy? Yeah, 2018 to now.
53:00 Griffin McElroy? That is very much like the snakes at the pet shop in Peewee's Big Adventure of like, "Ugh, US history, I'll get to you."
53:08 Travis McElroy? It's gonna get easier, right? There's gonna be a time where that, no!
53:11 Griffin McElroy? No. Was there, how often did this, how often did you feel like you had to lie about sort of your, uh, your collegiate experience while talking to your, uh, to your mother?
53:22 Speaker 10 Whenever she was around when people asked me why I came to Austin.
53:26 Griffin McElroy? Okay, that seems like something that would come up from time to time, yeah. Um, well, it's not an issue now, right?
53:34 Speaker 10 She does, no, she still doesn't know.
53:36 Travis McElroy? Hey, guess what, Nora? Oh, off the hook. It doesn't matter. You don't ever have to tell her. It's done. She was there when you graduated. This is never gonna come up again. You're off the hook. Tell her on her deathbed.
53:50 Travis McElroy? Listen.
53:53 Travis McElroy? Listen. What you gotta do is play this podcast for, she's gonna be laughing so hard. When we get to this far, it's gonna be like, oh, you. Yeah, it's gonna be Star Trek or.
54:02 Griffin McElroy? Does she like Shaq?
54:06 Travis McElroy? Not a big Shaq fan, loves Jessie though. It was Cass, it was Cass did it for Jessie earlier in the show.
54:10 Griffin McElroy? Alyssa, I think you're in the clear. I think you're fine. I think you could bring it up like a, and by the way, I didn't even graduate back then.
54:17 Travis McElroy? You remember.
54:18 Griffin McElroy? Not an issue.
54:19 Travis McElroy? Yeah, you could try to actually mention it in passing, no problem.
54:22 Travis McElroy? You remember.
54:23 Travis McElroy? I thought I told you. Does that help?
54:24 Speaker 10 So, yes it does, because apparently I should casually gaslight her?
54:28 Travis McElroy? No, no, no, no.
54:29 Griffin McElroy? No, God, no, when you put it that way.
54:31 Travis McElroy? It's actually called, Nora, it's called shack lighting now.
54:34 Travis McElroy? No, we don't, he hates that.
54:36 Travis McElroy? He took it over.
54:37 Travis McElroy? He asked that we not do that. Does that help?
54:39 Speaker 10 It does, thank you.
54:40 Griffin McElroy? Thank you so much, Nora.
54:46 Griffin McElroy? Hello.
54:46 Speaker 11 Hello.
54:47 Griffin McElroy? Hi.
54:48 Speaker 11 I'm Carson, she/her pronouns.
54:49 Griffin McElroy? Hi Carson.
54:50 Speaker 11 And my question is, how do I break a streetlight without going to jail?
54:54 Travis McElroy? Yeah, yeah.
54:55 Travis McElroy? So, we had some debate about this.
54:59 Travis McElroy? Yeah, so we kind of just wanted to know why you want to break a streetlight, Carson.
55:02 Speaker 11 So, it's in front of our house, and we've lived there for three years. My husband's up in the balcony, way up there.
55:08 Travis McElroy? Hey, how's it going? What's up?
55:10 Speaker 11 That's Will.
55:11 Travis McElroy? I thought you meant lived on the balcony of your house. Sorry, I missed a few words in there, I think.
55:17 Griffin McElroy? He stares at the streetlight like a moth all day and night.
55:22 Travis McElroy? He lives on the balcony, he knows what he did.
55:25 Griffin McElroy? He keeps reaching for it, and I'm like, no, it's hot, you'll fall, don't.
55:29 Speaker 11 This is why I need it broken.
55:30 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, he just loves this streetlight. So, is it a nuisance?
55:34 Speaker 11 It is, it is like a sun in front of our house, and we had to get blackout curtains for the entire front of our house, and it's still hard to sleep. There was one month that it was broken, and it was the best month of my life.
55:49 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
55:49 Travis McElroy? But what about all the crimes that you will be subjected to when there is darkness surrounding your home?
55:57 Griffin McElroy? Don't worry man.
55:57 Travis McElroy? You've made yourself a massive target.
56:00 Travis McElroy? That's definitely the house I'm going to, the one that broke out their own streetlight?
56:04 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, I doubt they got ADT, man. Are you under the protective umbrella of a moon tower? Because that's gonna cover you from any ne'er do wells. As long as the moon tower's illuminated.
56:18 Travis McElroy? You don't need to break it.
56:19 Griffin McElroy? Okay.
56:19 Travis McElroy? You need to shimmy up there with some reflectors. You're going to shape the way the light shines.
56:24 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
56:25 Travis McElroy? Into a perfect spotlight.
56:26 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
56:27 Travis McElroy? On your front porch. That there's like no crime here, but not your windows.
56:32 Griffin McElroy? Okay.
56:33 Travis McElroy? Carson, I have two questions. Is it illegal to throw rocks, yes or no?
56:40 Speaker 11 No.
56:40 Travis McElroy? Okay, is it illegal to make mistakes, yes or no?
56:46 Speaker 11 No, no, it's not illegal.
56:48 Travis McElroy? Okay, so it seems like you could... If you threw enough rocks for fun, you might eventually make a mistake. That is, we've all agreed, perfectly legal.
57:04 Griffin McElroy? Okay.
57:05 Speaker 11 Thank you.
57:06 Griffin McElroy? All right, I am a police officer trotting up to your house on a big majestic horse.
57:11 Travis McElroy? I sat through a law school graduation for three hours, folks. I know my ways around the law.
57:16 Griffin McElroy? I just wanna hear, Justin, if an officer does pull up and is like, "Hey, we've had reports that you've been throwing 100 rocks out of your..."
57:24 Travis McElroy? I'm not talking to you!
57:30 Travis McElroy? I don't know who threw the rock! You could also just... Carson didn't throw the rock!
57:35 Travis McElroy? Wait, are you Carson's lawyer now?
57:37 Travis McElroy? Yeah, no, I'm across the street. Like, I don't know who threw it. Wasn't Carson?
57:42 Travis McElroy? Yeah, make everybody on the street throw a rock and nobody can pin it on anyone.
57:46 Travis McElroy? I am Caucenicus. I threw the stone. I, Mrs. McGinty, threw it. We all hate the light.
57:54 Travis McElroy? Just shimmy up there and put in a lower wattage bulb.
57:57 Travis McElroy? That's nice, Carson.
57:58 Travis McElroy? Yeah, just put like a 40 watt up there. Still a little bit of light, but not too much.
58:02 Travis McElroy? Put in one of those smart bulbs.
58:04 Travis McElroy? Yeah, there you go. You can change the color from your house.
58:08 Travis McElroy? That way your house can get robbed in a nice Christmasy light.
58:11 Travis McElroy? Everyone in the neighborhood could be like, "Oh, looks like they're watching a scary movie tonight."
58:15 Travis McElroy? I hear screaming from that house for Halloween. No, that's just Carson getting robbed again. Carson, does that help?
58:22 Speaker 11 That helps.
58:22 Griffin McElroy? Thank you so much, Carson.
58:26 Travis McElroy? Hey, everybody.
58:27 Griffin McElroy? Hey. Thank you all so, so, again, thank you for coming to see us. Thank you to the Paramount, once again, for having us. It's a genuine honor to be back here. Thank you to Paul and Amanda and Rachel.
58:42 Travis McElroy? And thank you to wonderful Rachel McElroy and Griffin McElroy.
58:46 Griffin McElroy? Thank you.
58:48 Travis McElroy? Thank you to our dad Clint.
58:50 Griffin McElroy? Thank you to our dad Clint, who is right now watching our kids back at the hotel, because he's a sweet man and a great grandpa.
58:59 Travis McElroy? And thank you to John Barlow for this amazing poster, making us look cool.
59:03 Griffin McElroy? We signed some of them. Again, I do believe we are sold out of the Pulse of Born Memorial canned food drive challenge coins, but you can still donate some money to the Hope Food Pantry, Austin, out in the lobby. Thank you to Montane for the use for a theme song, "My Life is Better With You."
59:20 Griffin McElroy? It is a great track. And, yeah.
59:23 Travis McElroy? I've got a fear here.
59:24 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, I would love for you to read this final fear here in 20 Thunder Drive.
59:28 Travis McElroy? This year, I will be faster than my fear that any of the minions will be killed off in future movies.
59:34 Griffin McElroy? My name is Justin McElroy.
59:36 Travis McElroy? I'm Travis McElroy.
59:37 Griffin McElroy? I'm Griffin McElroy.
59:38 Travis McElroy? This has been my brother, my brother, me, please kiss your dad square on the lips.
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