Pod Insights The Psychology of your 20s 312. Can self improvement go too far? About this episode Does chasing your "best self" ever feel like an endless race? You're constantly striving, optimizing your routines, and learning new skills, yet sometimes a quiet exhaustion creeps in, or you wonder if you're truly any happier. It's as if the very pursuit of perfection leaves you feeling perpetually inadequate. In today's episode, we're diving into the hidden costs of this modern obsession with betterment: when personal growth can go too far.
Things we discuss:
• The deep-seated desire to grow and reach our potential
• The impact of societal pressures and the booming self-improvement industry
• Understanding the roles of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation
• When toxic over-striving is disguised as discipline
• Self-improvement burnout
• Actionable ways to cultivate sustainable growth
If the non-stop quest for "more" sometimes leaves you feeling depleted, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra: https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=b6ad5d555c1940e0
ORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean
Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en#
Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en#
For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected]
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:04 Jemma Sbeg? Hello everybody and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s. The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
0:24 Jemma Sbeg? Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. If you have read the title of today's episode, you will know exactly what we're talking about. And what we are talking about is the tricky trap of self-improvement. When it goes too far, whether there is such a thing as too much self-help content. And whether it is beneficial to constantly be chasing something better for ourselves or improving our lives. Let me firstly begin by addressing this.
1:08 Jemma Sbeg? The irony is not lost on me that you are tuning into what is in essence a self-help podcast. And yet we are talking about the downfalls of self-help, right? You know, I have literally written a self-help book. It is titled Person in Progress. Like there is, there is probably not a more self-helpy title for a book out there than that. And a lot of what I speak about on this podcast is really geared towards knowing yourself better, knowing your brain better, knowing your psychology, elevating ourselves. And yet in the background, personally, I have become a little bit disenfranchised with this kind of approach to our lives. With this feeling that there is constantly something that we need to improve, we need to fix,
1:53 Jemma Sbeg? we need to work on. Personally, you know, I think I have taken self-improvement way too far in the past. And I have fallen into trap of thinking that if I just wake up at 5am, if I just quit caffeine, if I just do as many meditation retreats as possible, if I read that book, if I only listen to motivational podcasts, my life will be better. And I will finally uncover the secret to happiness. Guess what? None of those things have ever made me happier. And none of those things have ever made me more successful because none of those activities were actually a problem to begin with. All of those efforts were really just a distraction for something deeper.
2:36 Jemma Sbeg? And yeah, it has made me a little bit disillusioned with this space and in a more broader sense, this industry that's been built around this space. I read this quote the other day that really summarizes it for me. You can't self-help your way out of a life that isn't aligned with you to begin with. And I for one have really been discovering how that is true. And so today I want to bring my thoughts to you guys to consider. I want to talk about the nuances of self-improvement from the perspective of someone who is loosely and by accident kind of based their in based their career in this space. And as someone who can also openly really point to the downsides and point to the fact
3:20 Jemma Sbeg? that there is a lot of information out there that is suffocating and unhelpful and not very useful. This is obviously not going to be a strictly anti-self-improvement episode per se, far from it. I think I would be shooting myself in the foot and I would literally be burning my career to the ground if I just sat here and hated on self-improvement because I do think that there are parts of it that are incredibly important and healthy. What I really wanted to be is a bit of an investigation into when it can go too far and who benefits from us not being happy with what we have. I also want us to kind of redefine self-improvement and recognize that it's not just about external actions.
4:03 Jemma Sbeg? It's definitely not just about consumption. It's not about perfection. Self-improvement should really be based on self-discovery and living a good balanced life and beyond that, a really happy and fun life. And I think that that is something that has kind of been lost in the flurry of self-improvement um information and books and speeches that we have been exposed to recently. So I am very excited. Excited for this episode. I'm very excited to kind of give you guys a peek behind the curtain as someone who operates in this space and operates in this industry and kind of reveal what authentic self-improvement content looks like, when it's just trying to sell you something
4:44 Jemma Sbeg? and so much more. I just hope that today's episode kind of challenges your assumptions and gets you to really think about what real personal growth means to you. And also maybe think about whether the amount of self-improvement content you are consuming has become harmful. You know, that's a question that you guys have to answer for yourselves, but I hope I give you the tools to at least think about it. Without further ado, hopefully you can sense my excitement and maybe my fear in doing this episode, but let's get into it.
5:20 Jemma Sbeg? This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, question. Are you an Extra Care member at CVS? Because there is literally no reason not to be. It's super easy to join and members instantly get extra big deals on things you buy most. I mean, this is stuff you're already buying, things like snacks, personal care products, all of it. And after you join, the savings just show up. Deals refresh every two weeks, but they don't last long. Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app, look for extra big deals and start saving today. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing
6:03 Jemma Sbeg? and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
6:34 Jemma Sbeg? These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. Your social media feed is packed with wellness trends telling you to cold plunge, protein max, and so much more. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? Health vs. Hype from the American Medical Association breaks it all down. Emmy nominated hosts Trace Dominguez talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors, to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to really matters. Listen to Health vs. Hype wherever you get your podcasts. No one's journey is the same. That's why Delta SkyMiles moves with you.
7:18 Jemma Sbeg? Whether it's earning miles from coffee runs to flights to redeeming for vacations your way or even unlocking exclusive experiences, a SkyMiles membership fits into your lifestyle, letting you do more of what makes you, you. It's more than travel. It's the membership that flies, dines, streams, rides, and arrives with you. Because when you have a membership, that's as unique as you are. There's no telling where your journey will take you next. To begin, let's really dig into a fundamental question here. What is so powerful about self-help content? What is so powerful about self-improvement content that compels us to buy,
8:00 Jemma Sbeg? listen, engage in it as often as we do? To understand this, to understand this innate drive many of us have towards self-improvement, we have to dig deep into an area called humanistic psychology, which essentially focuses on human potential and the mechanisms behind personal growth. Specifically, we have to understand this concept of our actualizing tendency. So our actualizing tendency was first identified by an American psychologist called Carl Rogers. And he basically revealed, discovered, believed that humans, every single one of us, have an innate drive to fulfill
8:44 Jemma Sbeg? Our unique potential. We each have a drive to grow, to become fully functioning, to be successful in one form or another. Within every single one of us, there is a seed that wants to become a tree. This process is so natural, inherent, instinctual to us since the time we are born. You know, our body wants to grow bigger and stronger, our limbs want to elongate, our bones want to gain mass. And the same for our minds and our emotional realm as well. We want to learn more, we want to strive, we want to thrive, we want to be successful, we want to find our purpose. Now, this looks different, obviously, across different cultures, people, personalities.
9:26 Jemma Sbeg? Some people strive for gold medals, some people strive to push themselves physically. Other people strive to be a better member in their community or to be inventive, creative, to understand themselves more. But basically, at the end of the day, what this theory really says is that we need something to work towards, otherwise we feel incomplete. So this idea is actually beautifully complemented by another theory that you probably know of called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's that famous pyramid that I'm sure you've seen many times, but the theory behind it is that human motivation isn't random. It actually follows a pattern that extends from a very baseline level of
10:08 Jemma Sbeg? simple needs to a high level need to self-actualize. So to really just break down this pyramid that I'm sure you've seen many, many times. At the very bottom of this pyramid that we need to achieve before we achieve anything else is our physiological needs. Food, water, sleep, shelter, these are things that allow us to survive. Once those needs are reasonably met, we then want to achieve safety needs, feeling secure, having stability, personal security. Once we have that comes loving and belonging. We want connection, we want friends, we want family, we want a sense of community. And then we can seek our esteem needs. So self-respect, achievement, recognition from others. Those things can only be pursued if we have all of.
10:54 Jemma Sbeg? Those things that have come before. That is not the top of the pyramid, though. The top of the pyramid, the thing at the very top, the pinnacle of this pyramid is self-actualisation. This is the ultimate human desire. What Maslow says, every single one of us is working towards. It is the drive to become everything that we are essentially capable of becoming. It really centres on our drive to find something that we're good at, to find purpose, to live a life that feels really meaningful. And so our ardent, often obsessive pursuit of self-improvement can actually be seen as a direct manifestation of this inherent human need to climb Maslow's ladder, to aim for that profound
11:39 Jemma Sbeg? internal sense of fulfilment and personal concurrence. So from the humanistic perspective, we're really drawn to growth and self-improvement because it satisfies this inner longing for meaning. If we are improving, it means that our life has purpose. It means that there is something bigger than us that we can achieve and feel satisfied with. There's also the secondary element of this, which is that simply accomplishing something, working hard, being rewarded for that, naturally just feels really, really nice. That, you know, delayed gratification and sense of pride, like, it's a really good feeling to say, I wanted this thing, I went after it and I got it.
12:21 Jemma Sbeg? When we learn a new skill, when we run a marathon, when we overcome a challenge, like, there is an inherent reward to that, that really fuels growth and fuels further efforts to improve. And it's this drive to engage in things from the inherent satisfaction that they bring that researchers call intrinsic motivation. Now, this is the third concept you really have to understand if you want to understand why you love self-improvement. Intrinsic motivation is basically the purest form of motivation because it doesn't rely on others, it doesn't rely on external things. It is the joy and the satisfaction that we derive purely from what we get out of something and from enjoying the process.
13:06 Jemma Sbeg? When this is our reason for pursuing self-improvement goals, when we benefit mainly because of how something makes us feel competent, makes us feel successful, makes us feel like we have control, self-improvement is primarily a beneficial thing. This is the space in which self-improvement is really beneficial and in which I think all of us can benefit from having something that we want to achieve and having something that we do feel compelled to work hard for, for our own satisfaction. And so what happens when this natural striving for improvement becomes unhealthy? How does it become unhealthy is maybe a better question.
13:49 Jemma Sbeg? It becomes unhealthy mainly because of external factors. This inherent drive for growth is a very pure positive thing, but when it becomes competitive, when it becomes a way that we want to prove our self-worth to others, it turns very nasty and toxic. So people who really criticize self-improvement and the self-improvement industry, their main argument is that this approach to life uh is too simplistic and would have us derive our entire worth entirely from what we can achieve, from our ability to push ourselves, from our ability just to meet our goals, rather than the fact that we have worth purely for existing.
14:30 Jemma Sbeg? Basically, what they're saying is that self-improvement has become twisted and toxic because in this current day and age, it isn't about what you can do for yourself and it isn't about how you can improve, how you feel about yourself. It's basically how you can improve how other people see you. Often the push for self-improvement stems from societal conditioning rather than a purely innate drive. In today's, you know, very hyper-connected, achievement-focused world.
15:01 Jemma Sbeg? There is an unspoken pressure to constantly be optimizing because of how that will make you appear to others, because it will allow you to get ahead, because it will allow you to kind of beat the competition. Just before, we talked about how the purest form of motivation is intrinsic motivation. On the flip side to intrinsic motivation, we have extrinsic motivation, and this is really what we're talking about here. Extrinsic motivation, when that takes over, it means that we only do an activity for an external reward, or to basically avoid punishment. So, we lose weight to impress or attract someone. We run a marathon to post it on social media. We pursue our artistic passion purely because we think it's going
15:44 Jemma Sbeg? to make us famous. We want a promotion simply because we want to prove that people who doubted us were wrong. The difficulty with relying purely on extrinsic motivation is that we actually fall out of love and we forget the reason why we started something to begin with. Basically, we tell our brain, the only reason to improve ourselves is if other people acknowledge that we have improved, if other people acknowledge that this is worthwhile. And so suddenly, what was something that we once genuinely enjoyed doing, felt passionate about doing, wanted to do for ourselves, turns into a chore, it turns into a discipline
16:25 Jemma Sbeg? exercise, sometimes it even turns into an activity that we use to kind of punish ourselves. It also turns into something that can be profited off of. And this is where the self-improvement industry really steps in as a major factor and a major motivator that intensifies our drive to improve in a negative direction. Think about it. This industry is worth forty-two billion dollars. And the only reason it's worth that much is because it excels at identifying insecurities, identifying our desire for betterment and to impress others and for
17:06 Jemma Sbeg? control, and then offering us a seemingly very perfect solution. This industry is constantly putting forward aspirational figures that have very curated, perfect lives, that are then paired with something that you can buy to have that life yourself. And it's very hard to resist that glossy, beautiful, perfect packaging. You know, if you see someone who is in a perfect relationship, who has a perfect body, who has perfect skin, a perfect routine. Of course, you're going to want that because we have that natural aspirational drive. This industry really does thrive because it does meet a genuine human need for progress, right?
17:47 Jemma Sbeg? That's not a bad thing. People do want to feel good about themselves. It has become toxic in recent years because it's often completely unrealistic. What it's telling you is possible. It demands complete personal transformation that is actually very hard to achieve and very costly to achieve. The other thing is that there's a powerful kind of feedback loop at play here. Our desire for growth and improvement creates demand and the industry supplies it. And then it intensifies our dissatisfaction with ourselves and insecurities to drive even more demand. So that we want their supply. So this is why we often feel like the bar keeps moving.
18:33 Jemma Sbeg? This is why we often feel like we are chasing an ideal that's just not reachable. It's because the moment that we perhaps achieve the dream life that is being sold to us. Well, they can't make money off of you anymore. You know, you're no longer a customer. And so the bar does have to keep getting higher so that there is still demand for what they're putting out. What I mean by this is that it's not just feeling like nowadays, having a good life isn't just feeling full and feeling happy and having a job that brings you purpose. It's also having a skincare routine. And once you have the skincare routine, it's also having a really good nighttime routine that involves taking a certain supplement or that involves a certain eye mask.
19:18 Jemma Sbeg? And once you achieve that, they go, okay, well, actually that's not going to make you happy. The next thing is that you have to have the perfect body. And then once you have that, then we actually need to give you this. There is no end goal here. There is always going to be a deficit in your life that a product or a thing that you can buy will seemingly fulfill and make better for you. The thing that a lot of people in this industry have actually gotten really good at, and I think this has become the tricky thing, is that they mix the perfect lifestyle with occasionally actually talking about failure. And with occasionally showing themselves as imperfect. So you feel like they're more like you.
20:02 Jemma Sbeg? And by doing that, they also really stoke the sense that, hey, I maybe I can actually be like this person. Have you noticed this? I've noticed this a lot recently is there are a lot of, you know, self-improvement individuals who will only talk about failure in the context of it making them better. They will only talk about their imperfections in the context of it helping them love themselves more. They will only talk about hard things in the context that they have learnt or they have overcome that hard thing. There is never this discussion of like, oh, sometimes this is just hard and this doesn't have a solution. And you have to just sit in the suckiness of life.
20:47 Jemma Sbeg? There is always a but, there is always an and, there is always some philosophy or some book or something that you can then do that they have done that will fix your problem. The thing is though, you can't buy your way into a more fulfilling life. You can't buy your way into happiness. One of you guys, one of the listeners actually messaged me about this and I thought what you shared was perfect, so I'm gonna share it here. They gave the most beautiful summary. If you could buy your way to self-improvement and to perfection, rich people would have no problems. And yet they do. And in turn, some of the happiest people have the least because
21:32 Jemma Sbeg? this process that we are all aiming for isn't about what we can buy, isn't about a product, isn't about what we can achieve for others. It's about personal introspection and there is no market price for that. There is no thing that can Fast forward that process, you actually just have to do the hard work. There's an important question that really emerges from this as well, which is, is self-improvement actually making us more self-centered? Because it's subtly becoming more about improving social standing and appearances and the external impression we have, rather than how we feel when no one else is around. And I think the answer is yes. I do think that self-improvement has made us think about ourselves way too much.
22:17 Jemma Sbeg? Self-help is mainly a Western idea that makes most of its money in Western countries, like the US, like the UK, like Australia, like Canada, where we know psychologically that a lot of societies are more individualistic rather than collective. The thing is though, human happiness and joy fundamentally has community at its centre. We were built to not care about ourselves as much as we care about others and the collective. And we were built as well to be loved, to belong, to be cared for, to care for others. And when we are entirely focused on self-improvement, we obviously have less space to think about how we could be a better neighbour.
23:01 Jemma Sbeg? We have less space to think about how we could give back. We have less space to think about whether we are available to our friends and our families, to think about whether we are a good sibling, we are a good partner, we are a good daughter, whatever it is. One of the most robust studies on human happiness ever done, ever conducted, was a longitudinal study from Harvard. And they looked at people across their lifespan and they found that more than personal achievements, more than appearance, the biggest predictor of whether you were happy was meaningful relationships. Yet when, you know, self-improvement becomes hyper-individualized, it can erode that for a lot of people. It can mean that we aren't focusing on what really matters.
23:46 Jemma Sbeg? Now, of course, there's a difference between being self-focused, being self-obsessed, and being selfish. And you guys know, even I'm an advocate for being selfish sometimes and just saying, I've got to lock in and focus on myself because I want more for me, I need to do this for me, I need this sense of fulfillment. But how long can that truly last before you look around and realise, you know, in the pursuit of becoming the best version of me, I'm actually no longer a nice person to be around? I'm no longer someone who's fun. I'm no longer someone who actually is joyful and enjoys any part of this. Where does that lead us? Well, I want to introduce you to the concept of self-improvement burnout
24:27 Jemma Sbeg? and why it has become way more common than you may think after this short break. So stay with us.
24:38 Jemma Sbeg? This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com. No two journeys look alike. That's why Sky Miles is designed to move with you wherever life takes you.
25:22 Jemma Sbeg? Fly, it flies with you on new adventures, family getaways, business trips and the moments that matter most. Earn, it earns alongside your everyday life. It dines with you on special nights out, it streams alongside your favorite entertainment, rides through your daily routines and helps turn everyday moments into something more. Redeem, it helps you redeem for what's next. From spontaneous weekend escapes to the trip that you have been dreaming about, to upgrading your next trip to a premium cabin experience, the miles you've earned along the way can help take you further. Access, and it unlocks access to exclusive, one-of-a-kind experiences and opportunities that make membership feel rewarding long before takeoff and long after landing.
26:05 Jemma Sbeg? Because Sky Miles is more than a travel program, it is a membership that moves with you. Fly farther, earn every day, redeem your way and access more. Because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you. Something that really frustrates me is when wellness brands greenwash their products to make them seem more clean or better for the environment when they are actually not. When you look into it, they are kind of just like the rest of them. Nature Sunshine, however, doesn't just talk about the planet. They do something about it. They sustainably source ingredients. They craft their supplements with 100% solar powered manufacturing and their products are incredible.
26:49 Jemma Sbeg? I don't drink coffee and so Nature Sunshine Brain Edge gives me that kick I sometimes need with potent ingredients combining yerba mate with nootropics, adaptogens, botanicals to support mental clarity and focus. And you already know how much I love their marine glow and have for years. It is the only collagen that combines skin supporting marine collagen with the sun and blue light protection of luton to make your skin feel and look glowy and protected. Plus, I just really like that they have nature at the core of everything that they do. Try Nature Sunshine and experience the difference with supplements that are better for you and the planet. Go to naturessunshine.com today and use the code PSYCH for 20% off your first order
27:35 Jemma Sbeg? plus free shipping. That's code PSYCH for 20% off your first order at nature sunshine.com.
27:43 Jemma Sbeg? You know that feeling when your skin just needs a tall drink of water? That's what Clinique Moisture Surge 100 Hour Moisturizer is for. Moisture Surge 100 Hour Moisturizer absorbs instantly and hydrates for 100 hours for plump glowing skin. That is correct, 100 hours. It is a lightweight, oil-free gel cream, safe for sensitive skin. It's allergy tested, it's fragrance free, it absorbs quickly, so skin feels hydrated without feeling heavy or weighed down. I use this daily and I'm very picky with what goes on my skin. I have a combination skin type, so I really don't want to feel too oily or too dry.
28:26 Jemma Sbeg? And this product is perfect for that. I also find that Moisture Surge is a great Lightweight base if you like something under your makeup. It makes your skin look so plump and soft, especially first thing in the morning when it's maybe not looking that way. Basically, I think it feels exactly like how you want a moisturizer to feel. Fresh, lightweight and deeply hydrating. Try Clinique Moisture Surge 100 Hour today at Clinique dot com. Feels like moisture surge. Something that I think is becoming more and more common is that we are becoming burnt out, not by things we have to do, but by things that we feel we need to do in order to be successful and impressive.
29:11 Jemma Sbeg? In that way, sometimes self-care has kind of turned into a weird form of mental self-harm. I have this thing that I do when I'm feeling overwhelmed where I look at my to-do list because I realize that a lot of stress obviously comes from my to-do list. But it typically comes from things that actually don't deserve to be on there. And I will look at my to-do list and I'll break it down into things that I have to do, things that I would like to do and things that are like complete extras, almost entirely pointless or optional. And anytime I am stressed, I can guarantee you that that extras list, that optionals list, that would like to list has become full of things that I feel like I have to
29:56 Jemma Sbeg? do to impress others or that I feel like I have to do to be my very best self, when actually they're kind of robbing me of a lot of joy. Things like, okay, today I need to take an everything shower. Today I need to do at least 20,000 steps. Today I need to do my two workouts. Today I need to meal prep. And yes, those things would be nice and yes, I'm sure those things would better me as a person, but actually in that moment, they're not. They're just creating more stress and there's no self-improvement actually happening in those moments. It's all like self-flagellation and self-sabotage. This is what I call self-improvement burnout. It's a specific kind of exhaustion that happens when you're constantly pushing yourself,
30:41 Jemma Sbeg? you're constantly striving for more, you're not taking breaks, you're not reflecting because you are too caught up in this idea of a perfect life and these outside goals that aren't actually really helping you be successful in that moment. Your body and your mind, you are not a machine. You are not a machine that is designed for endless optimization without periods of recovery and decompression. In fact, a study that I read recently essentially concluded that every single one of us needs at least three and a half hours of downtime a day to maintain optimal brain health and to actually feel well rested and to feel good in ourselves and our body.
31:24 Jemma Sbeg? Some estimates would even tell you that you need more than that, you need four or five hours. This is how much time our very ancient bodies and minds would have been used to in the past. This is what they were designed to experience compared to today in a modern context where every single hour of our day seems accounted for. You know, you have to work for eight to 10 hours, then you have to do exercise and you have to commute and you have to focus on some outside activity that you're invested in and you have to see your friends and you have to do chores. And all of that does actually accumulate and it means that we actually don't function as well as we could.
32:05 Jemma Sbeg? Essentially, I'm making the argument that we need more space to simply just exist rather than do. If chasing self-improvement becomes this very rigid, unyielding master, it could completely strip away the joy that you're meant to have about your life in the first place. You know what we need to talk about here? We need to talk about how self-improvement can turn into an obsession with tracking metrics rather than with how we're feeling, you know. There, there are apps for everything these days, for your steps, for your food, for your sleep, for your productivity. They're helpful for accountability, but they're also a little bit of a trap. If every aspect of your life is quantified, optimized and measured, like you do lose joy,
32:49 Jemma Sbeg? numbers become the goal. If working out only becomes about hitting a certain number of calories burned, do you even enjoy the movement? If writing only becomes about hitting a word count, are you actually making your best work? And are you actually connected with creative flow? And this is where toxic self-improvement can often disguise itself as discipline. We might tell ourselves, no pain, no gain. You know, I just need to push through this. Nothing good comes without hard work. Yeah, sometimes that's true, but sometimes discipline is actually just creating unhealthy internal pressure. That means that when you finally get to the goal, you don't even enjoy it because you've sacrificed so much
33:32 Jemma Sbeg? that the process of getting there has brought you zero happiness. Discipline is a very important part of life. Discipline is what brings great things into the world and does allow you to meet your goals. But I really like to follow the idea of an eighty twenty split. There are going to be periods of your life where you are working really hard towards something. I thought, I think about, you know, my final year of high school or my final year of uni, or even sometimes when I was writing my book or when I'm working, there are really busy periods. And sometimes you do have to lean into the fact that there is a higher goal that you are really excited about, that you want to work hard for. You also need that twenty percent to ground you.
34:18 Jemma Sbeg? And you need that twenty percent to be able to look around and remain attached to the life you have right now. It's very easy to get lost in the pursuit of discipline because it's so romanticized. But a lot of people who I see occasionally who are quite disciplined actually don't have very interesting lives and they actually aren't really interested in anything other than than their goals. And perhaps that's what they want for their life. And I'm not someone to judge them or tell them not to do that. But personally, for me, I don't want to get to the end of my life and look around and realise that I spent my whole life. Disciplined and trying to improve myself and trying to optimize.
35:01 Jemma Sbeg? And I actually am going to end up in the same place as everyone else. Is life really about how much you can optimize your time or how much you can enjoy your time? We also have to be cautious of the fact that sometimes discipline is is a sneaky way that our brains can rationalize extreme behaviors. In the name of a goal. If you are someone who is quite obsessive, if you are someone who finds they really struggle with perfectionism, they have to do things perfectly or they can't do them at all. You should kind of maybe approach discipline with a little bit of caution because it's a slippery slope. I it's one I found myself on where what starts with wanting to be productive comes with being unable to quit.
35:41 Jemma Sbeg? Even when the thing you're pursuing is no longer making you happy, even when your life is kind of falling apart. External goals that you put a hundred and twenty percent of yourself into are actually at the end of the day, you know. Really great distractions for deeper dissatisfaction. It's a great way to never actually look at your life and contemplate what would truly make you happy. And what is maybe under the surface that you need to unpack? When you aren't able to hide behind constant goals. When you can't hide behind constant explanations or something bigger than yourself that you need to achieve. Here's another subtle but insidious trap that self improvement content can sometimes trick us into. Over intellectualizing and consuming without actually making changes.
36:27 Jemma Sbeg? Consuming instead of applying, watching but never learning. Thinking that we're doing something about a problem or an insecurity that we have when we're actually not really engaging on a deeper level. I think this is especially common when we excessively consume self help content. Rather than apply it because we think that it's fixing something in our brain. When we bury ourselves in podcasts like this one or books or seminars or online courses. And we're gathering vast amounts of information and psychological insights, but never actually implementing them into actionable steps. The thing about this is that it can feel productive, it can feel like you're doing something meaningful.
37:08 Jemma Sbeg? But again, it is a form of false discipline or a form of procrastination or perhaps a substitute for real work. You know all the strategies, you know how to improve productivity, you know how to improve your relationships, but having knowledge and doing something about it are completely different things. Sometimes I feel like there's a certain kind of person who, and I used to be this, who consumes a lot of self-help content and becomes kind of like a knowledge hoarder rather than a knowledge applier. And I think sometimes the reason that I at least did it and some other people may do it is because it feels like if we just know a little bit more, if we just know a little bit more, we have to know everything, then we can finally
37:50 Jemma Sbeg? act, then we can finally make a decision about what the right thing is to do. But it just ends up being mental clutter. Like you just end up being more confused. That is why, you know, on my podcast, I always try to give you guys good tools that you can actually apply to your life that are accessible and realistic. So that what you're hearing isn't just information, it's things that you can implement. It's not just, you know, it's not just clutter. This is kind of a nice place to actually shift gears and talk about what is a healthy approach to self-improvement. We kind of have already talked about it. I just want to give you a few more steps to identify when it is healthy
38:28 Jemma Sbeg? versus unhealthy. A truly healthy approach to self-improvement thrives on firstly clarity around what you actually want to do and why you actually want to do it. Is this goal that you've set intrinsically or extrinsically motivated? Is there a genuine problem here? Or are you just searching for something wrong in your life as a proxy for something deeper that you don't actually want to address? A truly healthy approach is one that is quite honest, one that is quite honest about your intentions, your motivations, what you are actually capable of, and is honest about the outcome. This big thing that you may
39:09 Jemma Sbeg? want, it probably won't completely change your life. It probably won't make you the most successful, best version of you if you haven't done the deeper internal work in a practical way through therapy, through really knowing yourself. Through experience, through testing yourself first. I think it's also important that you know what your enough point is. You know what you're really working towards before you start a project, before you start a new workout routine, before you start a goal, before you start, you know, a new career trajectory. For example, if you have a lofty goal of wanting to be fitter and healthier,
39:54 Jemma Sbeg? you need some kind of end goal for that, where you're going to allow yourself to sit back and just be happy. This really counteracts the idea that we have to constantly be getting better. You also need to have points where you can reflect and look back and see how far you've come. And sometimes having smaller goals or having an enough point for the current phase of your goal is really crucial so that you are constantly not just on a path that, or not just raising the bar on yourself, not just on a ladder that never ends. You're actually able to say, wow, I'm really proud of how far I've come. I'm really proud of where I am at right now. Maybe I don't need to get better. Maybe I don't need to improve from here. This is where I always imagined myself.
40:38 Jemma Sbeg? This also requires, you know, setting realistic expectations based on your actual resources. Not based on someone else's resources, not based on anyone else's commitment or energy levels or time. What are you actually capable of realistically? If you plan three runs and you run three times, that's a success. Don't beat yourself up for not running five times like someone else. If, you know, running five times a week was never realistic. Please be careful with not setting parameters that can be achieved by people who don't have full-time jobs, don't have the same kind of financial stresses that you may have. Have entire teams behind them, have personal assistants.
41:23 Jemma Sbeg? Because, just because you can't meet that same level as them, doesn't mean you are failing. They wouldn't even be able to meet that same level if they didn't have the resources that they had. When you are comparing yourself to someone online who seemingly has everything together and is the most efficient, productive person out there.
41:43 Jemma Sbeg? Take a second and think about what you are not seeing, which is the amount of help that they receive, the amount of people that are on their teams, on their side, the luxury that is afforded to them by wealth, by significance, by having a platform. All of that does stack up. And just promise me that even if you have big goals, which of course are important and which you are allowed and should have, just take a break every now and again and do something purely for the heck of it. Do something that serves no greater purpose, that has no meaning, that has nothing to do with success, nothing to do with productivity, nothing to do with your current goal. Just do it. Do something just because you want to. Like, take a day
42:26 Jemma Sbeg? off just because you want to. Go see a movie at 2pm just because you want to. Like, do something fun. Eat a mango in the shower. Like, I don't know, just go to the dog park and just like lie and get cuddles from the dogs just because you want to. Like, I also want to stress again, life is not just about optimization, it's also about enjoyment. You will lead and you will find yourself constantly miserable if the only thing you ever enjoy or feel proud of doing is something that only comes from pushing yourself really, really hard. There are so many just like simple things that require no work to feel good about, that require no effort to enjoy. Make sure you have a good mixture of those things as well.
43:09 Jemma Sbeg? Okay, we're gonna take a short break, but when we return, I have a couple listener questions before we wrap up. So stay with us.
43:20 Jemma Sbeg? This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
43:57 Jemma Sbeg? No two journeys look alike. That's why Sky Miles is designed to move with you wherever life takes you. Fly, it flies with you on new adventures, family getaways, business trips and the moments that matter most. Earn, it earns alongside your everyday life. It dines with you on special nights out, it streams alongside your favorite entertainment, rides through your daily routines and helps turn everyday moments into something more. Redeem, it helps you redeem for what's next. From spontaneous weekend escapes to the trip that you have been dreaming about, to upgrading your next trip to a premium cabin experience, the miles you've earned along the way can help take you further. Access, and it unlocks access to exclusive, one-of-a-kind experiences and opportunities
44:42 Jemma Sbeg? that make membership feel rewarding long before takeoff and long after landing. Because Sky Miles is more than a travel program, it is a membership that moves with you. Fly farther, earn every day, redeem your way and access more. Because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you. Something that really frustrates me is when wellness brands greenwash their products to make them seem more clean or better for the environment when they are actually not. When you look into it, they are kind of just like the rest of them. Nature's Sunshine, however, doesn't just talk about the planet. They do something about it. They sustainably source ingredients, they craft their supplements with 100%
45:27 Jemma Sbeg? solar-powered manufacturing and their products are incredible. I don't drink coffee and so Nature's Sunshine Brain Edge gives me that kick I sometimes need with potent ingredients combining yerba mate with nootropics, adaptogens, botanicals to support mental clarity and focus. And you already know how much I love their marine glow and have for years. It is the only collagen that combines skin-supporting marine collagen with the sun and blue light protection of luton to make your skin feel and look glowy and protected. Plus, I just really like that they have nature at the core of everything that they do. Try Nature's Sunshine and experience the difference with supplements that are better for you and the planet.
46:11 Jemma Sbeg? Go to naturessunshine.com today and use the code PSYCH for 20% off your first order plus free shipping. That's code PSYCH for 20% off your first order at naturessunshine.com.
46:25 Jemma Sbeg? You know that feeling when your skin just needs a tall drink of water? That's what Clinique Moisture Surge 100 Hour Moisturizer is for. Moisture Surge 100 Hour Moisturizer absorbs instantly and hydrates for 100 hours for plump, glowing skin. That is correct, 100 hours. It is a lightweight, oil-free gel cream, safe for sensitive skin. It's allergy-tested, it's fragrance-free, it absorbs quickly. So skin feels hydrated without feeling heavy or weighed down. I use this daily and I'm very picky with what goes on my skin. I have a combination skin type, so I really don't want to feel too oily or too dry.
47:08 Jemma Sbeg? And this product is perfect for that. I also find that Moisture Surge is a great lightweight base. If you like something under your makeup, it makes your skin look so plump and soft, especially first thing in the morning when it's maybe not looking that way. Basically, I think it feels exactly like how you want a moisturizer to feel. Fresh, lightweight, and deeply hydrating. Try Clinique Moisture Surge 100 Hour today at clinique.com. Feels like Moisture Surge. Okay, welcome back to our discussion on self-improvement. Can it go too far? Has it gone too far? We're going to talk through some more interesting questions that you guys sent me on the topic of self-improvement, starting with this question, which I thought was
47:53 Jemma Sbeg? just a really nice, lighthearted one to begin with. What are some actually good and worthwhile self-improvement resources that you personally use? I really like this question because, you know, obviously, working in this space, like I do still engage in self-help content quite a bit. And I still find it really useful to give me a different perspective and interesting. A couple of books that I really love. The Alchemist, I think this book is self-helpy without being too self-helpy, and I love it. The Four Agreements, also kind of like another spiritual coded book that I find really interesting. The Untethered Soul is another one. I tend to prefer like more spiritual books for my self-help books
48:36 Jemma Sbeg? just because I spend so much time in the science with this podcast. I genuinely think I would read at least, or at least look at 50-plus academic articles every single week. So I get enough from that. When I engage in self-help reading, I want something that's a bit more... Introspective and light, I guess not light, but a bit less scientific. I also really like personal memoirs. I think that personal memoirs are a really great place to start slash go to if you are kind of sick of, you know, reading the same old self-help books all the time. Um, the book of joy is another one that I really, really like. It's about happiness. It's about humanity.
49:17 Jemma Sbeg? It's about gratitude. It's about what it means to live a good life, which I think is something we could all benefit from. I also really like the dare app. It's like a meditation anti-anxiety app that I find really useful and it's practical and it will get straight to the heart of your problem immediately, especially if you're someone who's dealing with anxious thoughts or dealing with how to approach fear. Also, a podcast that I love, two podcasts that I love. I love Soul Gum by Victoria Hudgens. Um, the Daily Victorian on Instagram. She has actually been on the podcast before. I just love how she intersects spirituality, philosophy and psychology. I think that is so powerful.
49:59 Jemma Sbeg? Um, Do You Fucking Mind by Alexis Fernandez is also another podcast that I adore. She is also a personal friend of mine and she is a neuroscientist. I love getting content from people who know their shit and I love getting content from people who are experts, but also have a lot of empathy rather than just, um, like a one-track mind when approaching topics like this. I like people who are willing to see different sides of something and willing to open the door to a discussion or to different ways of approaching it, rather than just being like, this is the best way to go about something and there is no other alternative. So those are kind of my favorite resources.
50:39 Jemma Sbeg? This next question I really love, when is the right time to be disciplined versus when do I know that I need to take a break? I think you need to take a break when you don't even care about the outcome anymore. When you're thinking more about how other people will view you more than how this goal will change your view of yourself. When it's becoming suffocating, when it's overwhelming everything else, when there's nothing about it that you even slightly enjoy, when.
51:05 Jemma Sbeg? When you just feel like you need a break is when you need a break. You know, discipline, it's incredible, it's a great skill, we need it to follow through. It can't be your whole life. Make sure you have some spontaneity and some fun. There was kind of a second part to this question, which is how to know when you've consumed enough self-help content. So not just how to know when you've pushed yourself too far in terms of a goal, but how to know when you've overwhelmed yourself with more answers than you need. Um, I think you know that you've consumed too much self-help content when you can't trust yourself anymore. When you always need someone else to give you the answer, to provide reassurance or an explanation,
51:46 Jemma Sbeg? rather than just being prepared to learn through experience and to try things out and make mistakes. When you're intellectualizing and gathering information rather than doing things, you're missing out on the most crucial part of learning, which is of course, experience. There is only so much someone can tell you, there is only so much guidance someone can tell you before you have to go out there and try it yourself and feel it yourself. It's like someone can describe to you the most beautiful tasting cake, but you're not actually gonna enjoy the taste of it until you try it yourself. Someone can, you know, tell you the most amazing way to get something out of life, like the most amazing mindset shift.
52:29 Jemma Sbeg? You're not gonna actually know what that feels like until you commit to trying it. Also, when you feel like you don't know what to think anymore and it's making you more confused rather than bringing you clarity, that's when I think you really need to take a step back and just like read something different, watch something different, enjoy like your guilty pleasure TV show, watch some Love Island. Like, there's no police that's gonna come around and be like, you're brain rotting and you're consuming things that aren't intellectuals. So like, we're taking away that self-improvement badge from you. Like, you're not a fully optimized human, like shame on you. No one's gonna do that. It's actually good to let your brain be kind of gooey and kind of lizardy every now and again.
53:14 Jemma Sbeg? This is a question that I really, really thought was important to bring up here because we didn't necessarily cover a lot of it in the episode. Um, so hopefully I can give it some airtime here. How does the self-improvement industry harm or influence our perceptions of chronic illness? I have been thinking a lot about this question since I first came across it in my Instagram DMs. Um, I think the biggest issue is that the self-improvement industry is so focused on productivity and so focused on personal responsibility that it kind of implies that wellness is always within our control. And it kind of implies that everyone should be capable of doing the same things when that is not the case.
53:59 Jemma Sbeg? And just because your abilities are different, doesn't mean you're worthless. Just because you can't wake up at 5am and then, you know, go to bed at 12 and work as many hours as possible and do six workouts a day. Like just because you can't do that, doesn't mean you're a failure, right? It just means that your body is different. And I think the wellness space in particular, and particularly like the fitness space, self-improvement space, it's really focused on productivity and doing as much with your hours as possible. And often that muchness means a lot of effort and a lot of time and not a lot of rest.
54:40 Jemma Sbeg? And if you are someone who struggles with exhaustion or has a kind of physical impairment, or if you're someone who has a different brain to someone else, like that's not always going to be possible for you. It doesn't mean that this person and people who are able to do that are better. I think it can also lead to a lot of shame or guilt or a sense of failure that you're not able to work hard enough to heal yourself. You should be able to heal yourself through your mindset. If your mindset is strong enough, you can overcome anything, including a chronic condition. And it's like, that's literally ridiculous. Like, no. Like, no matter how powerful your mindset is, no matter how productive and efficient and powerful your mental state is, like.
55:27 Jemma Sbeg? So there are just things that aren't possible. And that doesn't mean that you are giving up. It just means that you understand your limits. And that in itself is actually a lot more powerful than just saying yes to everything. And being someone who can stretch themselves so thin that they become exhausted and actually take their health for granted. I think the space just sometimes really dismisses the realities of chronic illness. And it really oversimplifies. It really oversimplifies and focuses more on mindset than it should. And it kind of sidelines the voices of those whose conditions don't fit into the industry's neat, you know, like before and after success stories.
56:11 Jemma Sbeg? Or don't fit into this narrative that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Like, you could if you wanted to, but do you want to? And is that actually the best thing for your health? And should you force yourself to make yourself less well, just to prove something to someone else? Just to prove that you have worth because you can meet their standards? The standards that weren't set with you in mind? No. So I think it is actually a really big issue. And I think it's one that I really should do a whole episode on how self-improvement and the self-help space sidelines the voices of people with chronic illnesses, not just mental health issues, but physical disabilities and so much more. Because it is something that feels largely invisible.
56:55 Jemma Sbeg? So thank you so much for that question. I'm gonna do a whole episode on it, I think. So we will talk about that more later down the line. I'm gonna answer this final question, and I love this question. Uh, I love this question because it's a little bit different to what we've talked about. This person says, I don't get the hang with the self-improvement space. Is it really that bad to want better for myself? I don't think it's toxic to work hard, and I don't think that discipline is an evil word. Uh, I also agree with you, actually. I think that you are totally right. It's not bad to want better for yourself. It's actually amazing. And it's great that you've been able to identify something that, or a collection of things that you think will make your life better. But I do think the reason you believe this is because you have the right attitude.
57:40 Jemma Sbeg? Everything that you are saying sounds like you meet all the kind of
57:46 Jemma Sbeg? All the checklists, all the categories for someone who approaches self-improvement positively. You're doing it for intrinsic reasons, you're self-motivated, you're doing it to align with your purpose. And it sounds like you're not falling into a toxic trap with discipline, which means that it's amazing for you. And it means that you are really focused on elevating yourself from an authentic position. I think I've laid out all the reasons that it becomes toxic, but just to reiterate them. It really becomes toxic when it's not for us, when it's for someone else, when we're not doing it for inherent enjoyment or for, or to prove to ourselves something. And when it's dominating our entire lives so that there is space for nothing else.
58:30 Jemma Sbeg? Nothing is ever entirely one thing or another. And the same can be said about self-improvement. There are such beautiful parts of it and I continue to have goals that I want to strive towards. I continue to have things about my life that I do think could be better. But I also don't let that take away from the appreciation that I have for the things in my life that are already great. And I think that is the healthy space to be in and it sounds like you're in that healthy space as well. So congratulations. Thank you so much if you have made it this far. I want to hear your thoughts about self-improvement in the comments below. If you agreed, if you didn't agree with something that I said, even better. What are your thoughts? How do you know when it's going too far in your life?
59:10 Jemma Sbeg? But also I want you to share a piece of content, a self-improvement project, book, podcast, series, seminar, whatever it is that you think is actually a genuinely positive beacon of light in this space and that you think people should be engaging in. What are the positive examples of self-improvement that you consume or that you see? That you think others could benefit from knowing from as well? So thank you again for listening. Make sure that you are following along wherever you are listening to this podcast on Apple, on Spotify, on the iHeart Radio app. I don't know where you're listening from, but make sure you hit that follow slash subscribe button. Make sure that you leave a five star review as well if you feel called to do so. And share this episode with a family member, with a friend, with a colleague.
59:55 Jemma Sbeg? With your followers, if you think that this is a discussion that needs to go further than just you and I, I think that it's something we need to talk about more and I hope others agree with me. So I'd love for you to be able to share and bring more people's attention to this. As always, as we wrap up our episode, I want to remind you all to stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. And as always, we will talk very, very soon. Thanks for joining me.
1:00:25 Jemma Sbeg? This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
1:01:02 Jemma Sbeg? I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable personalized insights that have made me more intentional
1:01:48 Jemma Sbeg? and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. Hi, this is Jemma Sbeg. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean completely changing your routine. Naturewise Vitamin D3 is an easy way to support immune, bone and muscle health every single day. And because quality matters, Naturewise has one of the first NSF certified Vitamin D3 currently on the market.
1:02:30 Jemma Sbeg? Plus, it's non-GMO, gluten-free and third-party tested. Visit naturewise.com to explore their Vitamin D3 options and find the one that's right for you. Naturewise.com. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.
Previous 311. How to stop ruminating Next 313. Confidence is a skill, not a trait Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated