Pod Insights The Psychology of your 20s 313. Confidence is a skill, not a trait About this episode You know when someone seems to breeze through life, can approach any social situation and challenge with such self-assured confidence? It seems innate - something they were born with. But what if that's not true? What if, instead of a fixed personal trait, confidence is actually a set of learnable abilities, a dynamic skill that anyone can cultivate, sharpen, and ultimately master? Today, we’re challenging the notion that confidence is a trait, and instead something you build.
Things we discuss:
Why confidence is dynamic and adaptable Self-efficacy as a driver of confidence How "growth mindsets" can revolutionise your approach to challenges and setbacks Understanding the locus of control to fuel or hinder your forward momentum Actionable strategies to build your confidence from the ground up
If you’ve ever thought, “if only I was just born confident”, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra:https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=b6ad5d555c1940e0
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:04 Jemma Sbeg? Hello everybody and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s. The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
0:22 Jemma Sbeg? Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course, break down the psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just want to let you know that this episode actually has two parts. It has basically like, I guess, a sister episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this episode to start your day or to start your week, I'm going to leave a link in the description of this episode for you guys to go and check it out.
1:06 Jemma Sbeg? I would love if you just gave Mantra a try. I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love that podcast because it's basically the psychology of your twenties, but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go check it out. But as for our topic today, we're going to talk about confidence and what it is about confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous and how we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright, amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something that you are born with. It is a skill, a skill that you can develop.
1:50 Jemma Sbeg? One of my closest friends, Percy, actually inspired this episode, friend of the show. We love Percy. She is what seemingly, well, she seemingly is a very confident person. She just approaches every single social situation, every work presentation, every first date, with just such a grounded, secure mindset. It's honestly, it's sexy. Like she is so magnetic to watch. And sometimes I've even like found myself just being like, where did this come from? Like, who is this amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura. It's like a color that almost surrounds her. And I think it's so easy to observe people like her and conclude that she was simply born with this.
2:32 Jemma Sbeg? This is always who she was going to become. But the thing is, I've been friends with Percy for some time, for a long time, and I know her very well. And I know that this is not always what she was like. She was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled. And so it really got me thinking, what does she kind of know that we don't? Like, what, what is this formula that she has? What are the profound kind of psychological principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident and people who are not confident? What is it about their history, their upbringing, their personality, whatever it is? And what about that can we change?
3:16 Jemma Sbeg? What about ourselves can we kind of work with to come into any situation and just feel like we own the room, feel like we like deserve and belong to be there? Because once we understand the science of confidence, once we kind of break down the myth that confidence is only something that you are born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we become unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves, in directing our lives, you know, the list could go on and on and on. So where do we begin? What do we do? How do we get there? That is exactly what we are going to talk about today, your formula for confidence. Let's get into it.
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7:06 Jemma Sbeg? So let's begin by dismantling this core assumption, or core misconception, I should say, that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You either have it or you don't. Is that true or not? Well, I'm going to give you the answer right now, and then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer is no, it's not. According to research, including a really comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in 2021, confidence is only between nine to 28% heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics, because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of our confidence, somewhere between 72 and 91%, is shaped by
7:50 Jemma Sbeg? things like environment, experiences, mindset, choices, not just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of your orbit of control. For the most part, something like confidence is something that we can.
8:07 Jemma Sbeg? Change. We can in, we can kind of intercept and form to our desires. And to truly understand why this is the case and to truly understand like the foundation of confidence, you have to understand one of its core ingredients, which is self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is a concept that was first named or labeled, I guess, by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous sociopsychologist who we talk about a lot. And it is basically our belief in our capacity to execute the behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms, because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your belief that you can successfully perform a given task. You can achieve a particular goal.
8:52 Jemma Sbeg? You can, I guess, present yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires. It is not so much your belief that things will go well. It's not so much your belief that people will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we can become confident, we need self-efficacy. And the great thing about self-efficacy is that it can only be built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us. It is not either there or not the moment we are born. So there are four primary sources through which self-efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources,
9:37 Jemma Sbeg? you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in someone, brick by brick, through the process of learning and environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first one, is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically, when you successfully perform a task, especially one that you initially found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities. This starts like, is like, from like three months old. Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike, because it's a very good one. You know, the riding a bike is kind of scary. Like, it is kind of scary. Like, you have to balance on these two wheels and you can go really, really
10:21 Jemma Sbeg? fast and you'll probably fall off. You know, the first few attempts involve wobbling and falling and that erodes your confidence. But with each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance, like your belief in your ability to ride independently grows stronger. It's all based on these moments of feeling like, I didn't believe I could do this, but I can. And that, for our mind, kind of acts as these concrete data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your trust in your own abilities. The fact that you've kind of, you are capable. Now, the brain actively seeks and reinforces these positive experiences, which
11:01 Jemma Sbeg? means that the next time you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others, the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created. And that's really important because the more times you show yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next, we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of course, inherently social beings and we learn a tremendous amount
11:41 Jemma Sbeg? by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do, it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors, role models, even peers are so crucial in building confidence. If you're, you know, a budding entrepreneur and you see someone from a similar background successfully launched their business, it sends a really powerful message, like, if they can do it, maybe I can too. This actually really explains why representation matters and is so important for marginalized groups.
12:23 Jemma Sbeg? There was a study done in two thousand and sixteen in the UK. And researchers asked high achieving university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send letters to students from similar backgrounds who were considering university. And just talk about their experience, talk about the fact that it's possible. So there were over eleven thousand people in this study. And these letters were really positive. They were like, shoot for the stars, you can do it, aim higher. And the researchers tracked students' application decisions and found that there was a significant increase in applications to more prestigious unis amongst the group that received the letters versus groups that did not.
13:05 Jemma Sbeg? So this isn't about blind imitation, it's about seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated by others, which then informs your own sense of possibility. It's also why I think that we could do with more admiration in this society, instead of being jealous of people who are have what you want or have the life that you want or who are doing better than you. These people can act as basically proof that your dreams maybe aren't even that, aren't big enough, because this person has managed to do it. Therefore you can too, there is a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be acquired through observation in a really significant way. The third way we gain self-efficacy is through social persuasion. So it's not
13:49 Jemma Sbeg? observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged by people who you admire. Having people like a coach, a parent, a teacher, a friend, someone that can say, you're doing a good job, you are capable of doing this. Positive feedback, it's truly so motivational because we really do like external validation secretly, but also not secretly. And so if you have someone who you admire, who was saying like, wow, you, you really are getting better and you're improving and you're doing well. You're actually prepared to fail more. You're prepared to fail more, in some circumstances at least. Because you have this weird desire within you to succeed more and you kind of put yourself,
14:35 Jemma Sbeg? um, you kind of face opportunities more often, you put yourself in the path. For success more often, even though you know that failure might be a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in those moments when you do fail. Because you you have this strong sense of someone else believes in me despite missed opportunities, despite moments of ill confidence, therefore I can believe in myself. There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can really make us feel terrible about ourselves. From parents who are dismissive to childhood bullies. You know, I remember I had a teacher once who was really, really mean to me. And I was like, why do you have beef with me? Like, I'm literally seven years old. And I felt really like I remember feeling really bad about myself and not wanting to
15:20 Jemma Sbeg? try and not wanting to speak up. Discouragement is equally as powerful as encouragement. That is why it is so important to surround yourself with good people. It may be hard to go up against this if you've had, you know, a family who was really awful, or if you were bullied, or if you do feel like your environment is really what made you the way you were, and it's hard to escape. But the older you get, you do have choices to be around people who will care about you, who will elevate you, who will encourage you. You know, if your friends are secretly trying to tear you down, or if you are constantly listening to what people online are saying that is mean or cruel, or if you let the
16:05 Jemma Sbeg? words of your family members really invade your mindset, confidence, it will be harder to obtain. Luckily, we have one final source of self-efficacy to talk about, and that's our ability to manage our own emotional reaction to stress. It's our physiological and emotional states, our mood, our stress levels, that can profoundly influence how we judge our potential for success. If you're feeling calm, Energized and physically prepared for a task, you will believe in yourself more than if you went to bed super late, or if you have had too much coffee or you're hungry. These choices matter and these are choices that you have control over.
16:50 Jemma Sbeg? Basically, how you approach stress, how you learn to relate to your emotions, how you physically prepare yourself is a factor in whether you feel capable. But that also means that we can create routines and patterns and traditions that we know will make us feel confident and good as a way to prepare us and counteract negative emotional states that kind of come with doing new things or being in front of new people. So when you understand these four sources, it becomes really clear, right, that confidence isn't an inherited trait. If you consistently seek out opportunities for mastery, if you observe others who are successful, if you go where you are valued, if you learn how to manage your anxiety and
17:33 Jemma Sbeg? your physiological state, your self-efficacy and therefore your confidence will likely grow. It is important here to talk about the fact that although confidence isn't inherited, it is, you know, really quite deeply influenced by how you were raised and who you grew up around. You know, if you, again, had parents who were deeply discouraging, if you grew up in poverty, if you grew up with, you know, mentors or teachers or no examples of success, you are starting from a harder point. And we have to be completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring those disadvantages.
18:15 Jemma Sbeg? I would not be doing my job if I sat here and said, everyone starts from zero and starts at the same starting point, you know what I mean? And everyone has the equal ability to build confidence because it's just not the case. But what I'm really trying to say is that it is possible. So it's not like if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed. If you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk down to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself, these are things that can actually be undone. They were done to you. That means that they have Kind of like a counteracting or a counterbalancing action that can also do upon you, that you can do upon yourself, not to reverse those things and to reverse those experiences,
18:59 Jemma Sbeg? but to integrate them and say that you are more than them. We're going to talk a little bit more about that later on, but I think it's an important caveat to add here. Now that we kind of understand self-efficacy, let's also talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident, you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best, who discovered that there are two, and really only two, fundamental mindsets we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've probably heard of them before.
19:41 Jemma Sbeg? You can either have a fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset believes that their basic abilities, their intelligence, their confidence, these are static traits. They are what they are. They were born that way. There's little that can be done to change them. If you're good at math, it's because you were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence, it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you can change. There's nothing you can do to change that. This kind of perspective is voluntary. You, I know it's going to sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way.
20:21 Jemma Sbeg? And so what that means is that when you face obstacles, when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like you can change them. You feel like you are always going to be this way. In contrast, a person with a growth mindset believes in themselves, but also believes that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work and practice. And your brain, talent, personality, those are just starting points. In other words, they have what we call an internal locus of control.
21:01 Jemma Sbeg? They believe in their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome, but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe I am capable, I am expanding, I am learning, I am experiencing, I am confident.
21:17 Jemma Sbeg? You act that way. You know that how you think about your situation and how you think about yourself will influence what part of your, what parts of yourself grow and expand and what parts, you know, ultimately shrink. The reality of course is more nuanced. We've kind of already talked about this, you know, confidence is a skill. It is something that comes from mindset. It isn't something that you're born with, but there are other things that we are born into that can make it harder. What it's about discerning is really when your mindset can trump those things and when it cannot. And that's when having a formula
21:57 Jemma Sbeg? for confidence or having skills and things in like your toolbox really helps. Because instead of just feeling paralyzed by situations, you do have options to try out to kind of counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety, counteract your social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your belief that you don't deserve to be there. So that really leads to the biggest question that we have today. How do we do that? I'm not just gonna leave you guys here without some practical tips, including the formulas of some of the most confident people in the world, how you can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable, completely yourself. That's what we're going to explore after this short break.
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26:19 Jemma Sbeg? And something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop. Because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day. Why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress. And most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns. So I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. Confidence is truly a mental game.
27:02 Jemma Sbeg? And the good thing about that is that if you have the right mental strategies, you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you, these strategies are coming with you as well. So the first part of our mindset that we want to target are the deeper beliefs that we have that we don't deserve to be confident at all. Or that people will always be able to see through us. They will always see us as a fraud. They will always know we're faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least I call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects of your confidence and of your self-belief.
27:43 Jemma Sbeg? So I do need you to become aware of your confidence blockers or your inner critics. What is your inner critic's favorite catchphrase? And favorite thing to tell you when you're putting yourself out there or trying something new? Probably something along the lines of, you can't do this. You're definitely gonna mess it up. Everyone's gonna know that you're a fraud. Everyone's gonna see you fail. Not true firstly, but when those self-defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then begin to question them. Is that thought truly a hundred percent accurate? Like what concrete evidence do you actually have for that? And what evidence do you have against it?
28:26 Jemma Sbeg? You can fight back, you know, your inner critic isn't the only one with a voice. Your inner cheerleader also has something to say and they can say it louder. They can fricking scream it. You get to choose what you want to believe about the future and about where you sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet. So as much as your inner critic wants you to believe that you're gonna fail and you're gonna embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no more idea than your inner cheerleader who thinks that you're gonna do absolutely amazing. So every time you encounter a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well, this series of mantras. I'm magnetic. People flock to me. My energy, it opens doors before I arrive.
29:11 Jemma Sbeg? I move through this space steady and prepared. I am calm. I am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident. Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports you and elevates you and which capture you and, you know, enthral you. I need you to be ready to kind of like throw them at your inner critic. I kind of think of it as like throwing balls of sunshine. And like each time a ball of sunshine like hits your, like the shadow of your inner critic, like it gets smaller and smaller and like parts of it like dissolve away. Whatever makes it visual for you. Positive self-talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and your brain have a two-way relationship. You are what you tell your brain.
29:54 Jemma Sbeg? You become the words and the sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of this is that the language that we use towards ourselves and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking, but actually shapes how we think. So if you are constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may literally narrow how you see the world and how you see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language, confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency and you broaden your sense of the world. If you say to yourself, and sorry, I'm going to sound so repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point.
30:39 Jemma Sbeg? If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment, I will be an image of confidence and power. That creates somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy, which we know is a psychologically proven and relevant concept. Because the expectations you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I also want you to sincerely ask yourself right now, why don't you deserve to be confident? Let's put on our investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this is who I am? Who made me feel small?
31:19 Jemma Sbeg? Who told me that I should shrink and that this is where I belong and I should be silent? And more importantly, what makes them right? Seriously, like what evidence do they have? Are they like the head of some like accredited committee? Have they been ordained to be able to do this? Do they have some degree or some authority in who's allowed to be confident and who doesn't? No, they literally don't. They just have an opinion. And you can have a better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate. Because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're a good person. You know you're thoughtful. You know you're smart. You know that you have things to say and that you deserve success. You know that better than anyone. Because you have to live with yourself every single day and they don't.
32:05 Jemma Sbeg? So you can choose to disagree, not only with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is, parent, I don't know, family member, ex-boyfriend, ex-best friend, who convince you to be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident mindset is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful. It's why we talk about it so much. Visualize how you want to enter a room before you enter it and you will enter the room that way. Visualize how you want others to feel in your presence and often they will feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady. Visualize the eye contact you'll make. Visualize your posture. Visualize your power.
32:50 Jemma Sbeg? There are a few exercises to make this easier. One I have spoken about before many times called the golden orb theory. This is the one that I personally use. If you have ever met me at like a meetup or like on my book tour or at a live event, I promise you that I have been doing this when you have met me. This is what happens. I, before I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there, we're visualizing, but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe out, as I step into this room, it expands.
33:33 Jemma Sbeg? And expands and expands. Anytime I make eye contact with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more. And this ball, this orb, just gets bigger and bigger and bigger so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes into contact with it immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied to me, immediately feels, you know, good around me, immediately feels like their best self and I feel like my best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously I don't, but I do get to control my own perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange, but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident. It's not that you don't know that you can handle yourself, it's that you're overly worried with how other people are gonna perceive you.
34:18 Jemma Sbeg? So if you give yourself the illusion that you can change their perception, suddenly, nothing else really matters and you feel the ability to be authentic and natural. And that's what this kind of activity and exercise really does for me. There's another one, it's known as the golden thread trick, golden orb theory, golden thread trick, you're seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a golden thread pulling from the top of your head into the sky. Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you and it's making sure that you take up space. It's not gonna let you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink. It wants you to be present and you have like the permission from this golden string, this thing
34:58 Jemma Sbeg? way up high going into the cosmos and beyond to be here and to be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it. There's also the very famous act as if technique. The act as if technique, it's a psychological strategy that involves behaving as if you already are the version of yourself you wanna become. Confident, secure, successful, grounded, you are already those things, even if you don't fully feel it yet. We talked about modeling before and modeling really asks you to look at someone else who has what you have and to kind of emulate them. You can also kind of emulate yourself as well, right?
35:39 Jemma Sbeg? Like you can emulate a version of yourself that you think is incredible and who you wanna become and who you can so clearly visualize. It's not about faking it, it's about rehearsing the reality that you're stepping into. And over time, the gap between who you are and who you're acting as if begins to close and so you feel like that version of you is real. It's like uh, method acting almost, method acting for a future version of you that you wanna become. Also, not to bring up modeling again, but if it's too hard to fake it. You don't have to. You can also borrow your confidence.
36:16 Jemma Sbeg? You can borrow other people's innate abilities. Like you can borrow their sense of satisfaction and pride in themselves. When you see someone that you really admire, think about the coolest person you know, like the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational person you know. Think about everything that they would do in this situation that you're scared to be in. How would they hold themselves? How would they walk in? How would they speak? How would they communicate? How would they be? Think about that. Take it all and pretend that that's you. Borrow what they have. There was a study that I read from twenty twenty one that actually looked at how this is used to help train the confidence of young Olympic athletes or Olympic hopefuls.
37:01 Jemma Sbeg? And there was a study done in Korea and the researchers basically asked the participants, who were people who would probably one day be in the Olympics, to borrow their confidence from someone they admired. They were paired with an older team member or an older Olympic hopeful or an Olympian even at that. And they were asked to think about them before they, you know, started swimming or dove off the diving board or did whatever sport they were doing. Think about them. Think about what they would do. Think about how they would stand. And their self-efficacy, which we know is a crucial ingredient, increased. Not only did their self-efficacy increase, they were also better able to really shift into a flow state.
37:45 Jemma Sbeg? They were better able to cut through the noise of their own insecurity or their lack of self-belief and just be present in what they were doing. So just choose someone you admire, borrow what they have. Another step to mastering confidence and really building this skill like a muscle is putting yourself in situations where you can prove to yourself you can cope. You can win, you can show up, you can be successful. Basically, find ways to experience small boosts to your confidence, like those mastery experiences we were talking about before. A lot of building confidence is actually exposure. Like anything, if you have a social phobia, like how they treat most phobias is exposure. So if you have a social phobia or
38:28 Jemma Sbeg? any kind of anxiety around specifically being around people.
38:33 Jemma Sbeg? What someone is probably gonna ask you, what a therapist is probably gonna get you to do is to be in those spaces that terrify you the most as much as possible. If you are terrified of dating, you have to go on ten first dates to win the challenge. If you're scared of meeting strangers, you have to go to all these stranger events. If you're scared of giving presentations, you have to volunteer to do them. No skill ever is built simply by thinking about it. It's built through practice. It's built through stretching, pushing yourself. And you know what? That's really scary. It's really freaking scary. It's also the only way to do it, I'm sorry to say.
39:15 Jemma Sbeg? And then one day, not too long in the future, you'll suddenly find yourself being the person who is no longer at the beginning of this story, but you know, halfway through it. Who was able to turn around and say, I used to be someone who really struggled with this. I used to be someone who didn't wanna date, who didn't wanna put myself out there, who didn't wanna wear these clothes. And now I'm a success story because I put in the work. Finally, really consciously focus on your sphere of control. This is like the practical, everyday application of cultivating a growth mindset and a strong locus of control. When you find yourself facing a challenge or a daunting situation or decision,
39:58 Jemma Sbeg? you have to really ask yourself, what parts of this can I genuinely do something about? And what parts do I just have to accept or lean into? Then critically direct your energy and your effort solely towards the things you can influence. Your preparation, your effort, your belief, your learning, your attitude, how you choose to adapt. Rather than wasting precious time and energy on things that are never going to be something you can change, even if you try your hardest. One huge example of something you can't control, and this might surprise you, it's what other people choose to think of you. You may be thinking like, oh wait, what the heck? Like, isn't that all we've been talking about?
40:40 Jemma Sbeg? Like, all those exercises that you just told us, like, wasn't that to control or influence what other people think? No, those aren't meant to change what they think. They're meant to change what you think. They're meant to change how you think about yourself. That is way more powerful than ever trying to change what other people think of you. They're gonna follow your example. How you think about yourself is how other people will often end up thinking about you. People can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's also not your business. You just can't control it and you will go mad trying to because trust me, there will always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone, no matter who they are.
41:21 Jemma Sbeg? I think we've all been on the internet long enough to know this, right? You know, literally think about like the coolest person on this planet, like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't like that person. There is someone out there who could sit down with this person and have a big in-depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only came from people liking you, no one would ever be confident because everyone, there is a hater for everyone out there. So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel. What do you want from a situation? How do you want to leave feeling?
42:02 Jemma Sbeg? Remember, people that are confident, they're not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They are often people who can admit when they're not great at things. They can ask for help. They also know that there will be people who don't like them. But they know what's in their control, which is their mindset. Okay, we are going to take another short break, but when we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas, all about confidence. So please stay with us. We will be right back after this short break.
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46:55 Jemma Sbeg? Welcome back everybody. We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously the listeners. If you want to be able to partake in this section of the podcast, make sure you are following us at that psychology podcast over on Instagram so that you can see when I put up question boxes for new episodes. Questions for this week? So good. Thank you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow, I sound like, I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it. This question in some form or another was probably the most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident, I will come off as
47:40 Jemma Sbeg? cocky in work situations and beyond. Where is the line? So many of you wanted to know this. Where is the line between being confident and arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question. I think the fact that you are already aware of this possibility means that you are probably self-correcting too much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself more than you deserve to. We want to find an authentic way of expressing confidence, right? And so what's important to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't think about others for a second. When you are truly confident, you probably feel very calm,
48:21 Jemma Sbeg? you feel alert, you feel grounded. When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense, you feel anxious, you feel like you have something to prove, you feel forceful. Learn to tell the two apart and to just stay in the first lane. When you are authentically confident, that comes off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off amazingly. When you are anxious is when you actually end up being arrogant. So as long as you can tell the difference, I think you're pretty safe. I will also say I hate the word cocky there, especially when it's used towards others to put them down. Like there are very, very, very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky and yet people
49:02 Jemma Sbeg? use that word to really keep other people small because it benefits them to do so, or because they think that they should get to be in control of how people act when it's none of their business. Often it is just a projection of how they think they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should act because they've chosen to do it, but they don't really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry less about being seen as cocky and more about what feels right for you to share, what feels right for you to open up about what you wanna say, how you wanna act, how you feel in a situation. If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt yourself or question yourself and say things that genuinely feel true and meaningful, that is
49:44 Jemma Sbeg? coming from a deep place. And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that it's not your intention. And that's really the only explanation you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as arrogant or conceited, you are actually the person that I'd probably be worried least about because you have self-awareness and I don't think that truly arrogant people do. So you should be okay. Second question, another frickin' banger. Why do we feel less confident in a group of very confident people? I think there are a few explanations. Maybe, I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space to take up, less kinda like breathing room, because everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably also triggers
50:29 Jemma Sbeg? a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these people have real reasons to be confident, like these people really look like they believe in themselves. I don't, I'm just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic, mine feels fake. That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological side to things, which is a bit more complex, but we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply social animals, that's encoded into our neurobiology. And from an evolutionary standpoint, entering a group meant having to be able to subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order. So like,
51:10 Jemma Sbeg? who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with, who feels like a friend? High confidence and high confident people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech. They feel like they are leaders. And so our brain has to readjust where we sit. And that may interpret things as a challenge to our social standing, even if it's not, because we have these ancient brains in a modern setting. You know, there isn't just one person who's always in charge. There isn't just one leader who will dominate over others. There is more space. The important thing to also remember is that truly confident people, they are the ones who want others to thrive and they want to elevate you. Confident people have
51:53 Jemma Sbeg? actually been shown to judge others less and they spend more time assessing themselves compared to other people. So actually, in a room full of confident people, you are probably the safest you will ever be from judgment. So actually, this is where you should feel free to be loud, take risks, tell stories, be who you want to be authentically. If they judge you, that's something they have to address, not you. Next question, does being delusional actually help in elevating confidence? 100%. Yes, yes, yes. Being delusional can make you more confident. It's again, the language and the way that you're speaking to yourself. It relates to that self fulfilling prophecy
52:36 Jemma Sbeg? that we kind of talked about before. If you, you know, feel like you can be something, if you just so deeply believe it, chances are that you're more likely to act in a way that will make that happen. Kind of relating to the first question, though, there is a fine line here between um, delusion and narcissism, and also delusion and actually putting in the work. Like, confidence is a skill, not a trait. That's the title of the episode. Skills require work. So saying like, this is gonna happen to me, this is going to happen for me, all great things. You should believe in yourself, you should believe in your dreams, you also have to do something about them.
53:17 Jemma Sbeg? You also have to find a way to take all of that really positive energy, like, that's a great starting point, and make a plan, be willing to initiate, be willing to put yourself out there, be willing to be cringe, embarrassing, fail. That's what a really confident person would do. But yes, being delusional, 100%, very helpful.
53:38 Jemma Sbeg? Final question. How do I feel confident in a physical feature I can't change? I don't wanna get surgery slash I can't, so how do I embrace if not truly learn to love this part of me? I woof, I really relate to this. Um, yeah, I really relate to this. For a long time, there are things about myself that I really wanted to change. I still do. Here's the thing. We were not meant to be as conscious of our appearance as we are. Appearance was not meant to be such an important factor as it is in modern society. And so of course, it's really hard to love yourself when the thing a lot of us feel judged for first and foremost is by our looks.
54:20 Jemma Sbeg? And it's not just that looks signal attractiveness anymore or fertility or whatever it was meant to. It's it signals wealth and it signals social standing and it signals all these other things that is just like making it such a confusing thing to manage. Oh my God, I saw this video the other day and not to judge this woman at all, but I saw this video of this woman who had sperm, like what was it? Um, like fish sperm injected into her face and I was like, that. Imagine telling someone like six thousand years ago that that was something that was done like that. Sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's like something that people pay for to like stay young these days and um, it's just the culture that we live in. No wonder everyone feels ugly. Like I don't know
55:04 Jemma Sbeg? anyone who like truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. That's always something that an industry or a business or a brand is gonna try and make you feel insecure about. So it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this was a problem in the first place? And what do they have to gain from making me feel bad? Often, you know, our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very narrow ideals. It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually not objective. Um.
55:34 Jemma Sbeg? At all. Also, just really start by softening the language. Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special. From embarrassing to mine to whatever word you wanna use that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't have to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim for neutrality, aim for something that's a little bit easier and just saying this part of me, it exists, I don't need to shrink because of it. Also, how you look is really the least interesting thing about you. And I know I've said that so often and I'm sorry if you've heard it before, but if life was all about appearances, it would be very boring.
56:15 Jemma Sbeg? And beauty does fade and beauty becomes something that people can only talk about for so long. So focus on the other areas of your life where you feel naturally confident and work on expanding them. Work on thinking about them more, putting more time into those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractiveness, it is something we all live with, obviously, and have to consider. And we exist in a system where that does matter, I'm not gonna deny it. But how much do you want it to matter? How much do you want it to dictate the rest of your life? That's like a big question that I think is very existential and that you kind of have to answer for yourself. But um, I wish you the best of luck and know that I'm there with you and I've had many a similar thought.
57:01 Jemma Sbeg? That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners. I hope that this episode has given you something to think about and given you something to apply to your own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill, not a trait. And with a skill, with any skill, it's something that you can improve in whatever area of your life you want to feel more like yourself and more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips in the comments below. If you have one that I haven't mentioned, let's, let's share it. What's the thing that you do that like is just so weird and wacky, but always works? And always makes you feel amazing, whether it's like a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like what is it? I wanna know. Make sure again you are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast.
57:46 Jemma Sbeg? And that you share this episode with a friend, with a family member, with a colleague who you think could benefit from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like, share, all those things. I always forget which order they're in, but you know the deal. Really helps the show grow, helps it reach new people. Also puts a smile on my face if that's something you may or may not want to do. But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. We will talk very, very soon.
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