How to be a better gift giver

Searching for the perfect gift for a loved one doesn't have to be stressful. With some clever thinking, buying a present can be even more fun than receiving one. Author Rachel Wilkerson Miller shares her best tips for the holidays, birthdays or any other occasion. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekit http://plus.npr.org/lifekit See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

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• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:17Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle. Before we start the show today, I want to talk about public media. Public media is made for you. It serves you with programs meant to enrich your understanding and your life. From its founding in the US, public media was also meant to tell stories from underrepresented communities and to provide cultural insight that expands your perspective. We still believe in these core commitments of public media at NPR. But as of this fall, federal funding for public media, including NPR and local NPR stations, has been eliminated. As we move forward, we're counting on your support so we can keep bringing you episodes of shows like Life Kit. Let's do this together. If you're an NPR Plus supporter, thank you.

• 1:02Marielle Segarra?

  We are so grateful. And if not, you can join the Plus community, get a bunch of perks like bonus episodes and more from across NPR's podcasts, and support public media by signing up for NPR Plus today at plus dot npr dot org. You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody, it's Marielle. Have you ever gotten somebody the perfect gift? Rachel Wilkerson Miller definitely has.

• 1:37Speaker 02

  If you live in New York and you've been to restaurants, every restaurant has to have a choking poster on their wall that explains like how to do the Heimlich on somebody if they're choking.

• 1:44Marielle Segarra?

  And a lot of restaurants will commission ones that are tongue in cheek or specific to them.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  And it's something that my girlfriend and I had talked about when we first started dating, like she would point them out in different places we'd go. And she pointed out a specific one that she really liked.

• 1:57Marielle Segarra?

  It was blue and white and had a kind of vacation theme, like people are having dinner on a tropical island underneath these palm trees while this dude in formal attire is getting the Heimlich and a full hamburger comes flying out of his mouth. So Rachel found the poster online, bought it, and gave it to her girlfriend as a housewarming gift when they moved in together years later.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  And just like a few, like a couple of months ago, she was just like, "I love that so much. That was the best gift I have ever received. It's so special. It makes me so happy every time I look at it." And like, you can't pull that off very often. Like, that was a deep cut that I got lucky in terms of finding. And then, you know, again, sat on it for two years until the perfect moment. But like, to me, that was, I feel very proud of that one.

• 2:37Marielle Segarra?

  Rachel, by the way, isn't just a great gift giver. She's also the author of the book, "The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People", and the former editor in chief of Self Magazine. And she says, "Gifts can help us show people that we care about them and that we know them."

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Because it's a way of communicating not just, "I care about you, but I see you. I see you for who you are and the things that you're interested in, and I found something that you personally are really into."

• 3:03Marielle Segarra?

  And when you nail it and get someone a really thoughtful, heartfelt gift, I swear, it's better than being the recipient. Because you get the anticipation when you have the idea and when you make the thing or buy it, when you're wrapping it, when you're bringing it to their house, and then finally, when they open it and you see that look on their face. We want that for you. So on today's episode of Life Kit, how to give better gifts for the holidays. And by the way, these gifts don't have to be expensive and you don't have to buy them. It's not about spending money. It's about showing love.

• 3:45Speaker 03

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• 3:49Speaker 00

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• 5:08Marielle Segarra?

  I feel like for a lot of people, gift giving feels really daunting, right? It's like you've got somebody with a birthday coming up and you want to, or you feel like you have to get them a gift, but you have no idea where to start.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  Completely agree. I think people get really overwhelmed because they want to do something really impressive or really special. And I think a lot of times people are trying to reinvent the wheel. They want to do something unexpected, so they avoid giving the person something that they explicitly asked for, which I actually think is a mistake. If somebody is telling you what they want, it's totally fine to give them exactly what they want. But even if they didn't, I think there are ways to figure out what might be a good gift for this person.

• 5:47Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. I mean, do you have a roadmap we can give to folks, the ones who are just standing there in the store with a big like question mark popping up over their head?

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Instead of going to a store and looking for inspiration in the things that you see, I think it starts with, before you even leave the house, thinking, what do I know about this person? Generally speaking, what am I looking for here? What they've mentioned being into, being excited about, things that they mentioned using a lot, or things that they mentioned wanting to try, thinking back to your recent conversations. If the person who mentioned that they were really excited to have a game night with friends, like, okay, that tells you that they're into games. That's a great jumping off point that maybe if not a game explicitly, maybe you get them a puzzle or a Lego set or something else that feels related to that.

• 6:33Marielle Segarra?

  So if somebody says they're excited about a game night with friends, that makes me think, you know, They like games, but also they might like gathering with people. Like, that's what is calling them right now.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  Completely. So maybe you give them a great book about gathering. I highly recommend The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, one of my favorites. If people like hosting, it's a great gift. But you could also think about other things that go along with having friends over for a game night. So maybe it is about like a charcuterie board, or other snacks, or a cookbook that's tied to making little appetizers, or just other things that would like supplement a game night without necessarily being a game.

• 7:09Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. Or could the gift even be that you set up the game night?

• 7:15Speaker 02

  Oh, absolutely. Like, just offering to throw that as a like get-together. Say like, "We want to celebrate your birthday. What do you think about coming over and trying out these new games?" Or, you know, just spending time together. I think that's a really great point. Just look for the ways that they tend to feel. Like, how do people spend their time? And focusing on that and offering them a way to do that, that maybe takes some of the pressure off of them, or makes it feel more special, or just something they don't have to plan themselves, that can be a gift in and of itself.

• 7:41Marielle Segarra?

  So I want to, I want to walk through an example, using our producer, Claire Marie.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 7:47Marielle Segarra?

  So I have some details about her, and I'm wondering what you might say would be a good birthday gift for her.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 7:54Marielle Segarra?

  Here are the things that I know about Claire Marie. I know that she likes knitting and backgammon. She also likes shoes. She really wants a butter dish.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Ooh, okay.

• 8:07Marielle Segarra?

  I have also learned that she likes a luxurious experience, like she's been wanting to get a facial.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  Ooh, okay. These are great jumping off points, I think, for a gift. So, um, let's start with knitting, because I think that that's something I actually do. So I have thoughts on how to put together a great knitting gift. Maybe you get them like little knitting needle covers, or other sort of like things to fill out their knitting bag. This is one, if you don't knit, that might be difficult, but I think it's worth kind of just poking around, searching knitting gifts online, and see if anything comes up that feels cute. Looking on Etsy feels like a good opportunity. But I would say like, anything that feels really personal, like choosing the yarn for your project, you probably want to avoid, particularly because you don't know what her skill level is. So think accessories versus yarn with, with a hobby like that. But the other thing that you said is that she wants a butter dish. And I think that's a really fun opportunity to find something that feels really fun.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  But I would recommend going to like an antique store or vintage store or looking on Etsy for something that's like a little bit more unusual or unique. And a thing that I really like to do with food related gifts is to pair it with a food of some sort. So in this case, when you give it to her, depending on the circumstances, you could also give it to her with like some really nice butter. Like you could go to a nice, high end food shop and get like, you know, just like the fanciest butter that they've got, or even just some Kerrygold, but something that that kind of takes it to the next level. So not only are you picking out the perfect butter dish, but you're giving her a new butter to try.

• 9:30Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, I love that. You have me already searching. I'm Googling butter dishes.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. See, you would also do like, there's lots of fancy little butter knives that you can buy that kind of go with like, or like they're like cheese knives, but I use them for butter personally. So like something like that could also help flesh out the gift if you wanted to add more to it. Not that you need to, because I think this is enough, but just thinking about kind of like how to build a whole little kit of small things versus trying to find one perfect gift can also be a nice option.

• 9:56Marielle Segarra?

  Totally. I wonder how should your relationship with the person come into play when you're giving a gift? Like I'm Claire Marie's coworker, but we, it feels like we're at the butter dish level.

• 10:08Speaker 02

  I think you're totally right. Like that feels like the exact correct gift because it's, it's friendly and it's warm without feeling super personal or intimate. And it's like a thing that she'll use. You know that she's mentioned wanting it, but you don't know her taste so well that you're trying to pick out a really expensive item where she can only have one and it needs to be perfect. Like you have a little more wiggle room with something like a butter dish. And so I think with coworkers or people who you don't know super well yet, going for those gifts that you're like, you're generally getting in the right area. And even if it's not perfect, there will still be value in it for them. I think that's the right move.

• 10:39Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. Butter is super neutral.

• 10:41Speaker 02

  It is. Everyone can enjoy butter. It's really not that personal.

• 10:46Marielle Segarra?

  I feel like sometimes the best gifts are like they're little treasures.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  Completely agree. Yeah, just like little weird things that people pick up on their travels or those I saw this and thought of you gifts. I think it's never a bad idea to just if you see something that reminds you of somebody, buy it then and you can either save it for their birthday or just give it to them then if it's small. Like it's a nice thing to do in friendships and relationships to just be thoughtful and give little gifts as you come across them. But I agree, they don't need to be elaborate or super complicated. It's just like here's a weird funny thing that reminded me of you and I thought you'd like it.

• 11:19Marielle Segarra?

  Do you have like a box or a bag under your bed with all the gifts you're saving up?

• 11:25Speaker 02

  I don't because I think I have ideas. I save ideas, but I don't usually buy the gift until it's time just because you never know if something better is going to come along. But usually kind of like storing those ideas away as you come across things is a good idea.

• 11:37Marielle Segarra?

  Where do you store the ideas?

• 11:39Speaker 02

  Usually in a notes app. One tip for everybody is if you have an iPhone in a contact card, you can put notes in the contact card. So you can you can make a note of like gifts you'd like to buy this person as you think of them, or you can email them to yourself, put it in your calendar reminder if you have that person's birthday on your calendar, just wherever you can find it easily, I think is the most important thing.

• 11:59Marielle Segarra?

  That's really smart. I'm going to do that. We'll have more Life Kit after the break.

• 12:04Speaker 00

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• 12:27Speaker 03

  This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com/podcast.

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• 12:58Marielle Segarra?

  Can a gift help you deepen your connection or your relationship with someone?

• 13:04Speaker 02

  I think so, particularly if you think about experience gifts like a museum membership where the implication is like, we're going to do this together. And that might be something with a family member or a significant other. But I think the idea of like, this is something that we can do together or that we have in common. Or if you have a parent who's really into a particular sport, maybe you get them tickets to that game for their birthday and you're going to take them and you're going to go together and you're going to make an event of it. I think that can be a really nice way to deepen that bond because you're not only giving them this really special thing, but you're also enjoying it with them. And even if it's something that you don't personally love, like the idea of like, for your birthday, I'm going to spend time engaging with the thing that you love, I think can make people feel closer.

• 13:46Marielle Segarra?

  What do you think about just asking people what they want for their birthday or whatever?

• 13:51Speaker 02

  I think that's totally fine. Again, I don't think that we need to put so much pressure on ourselves to choose the perfect gift without any input from the other person. So again, it kind of goes back to your relationship with people you're really close to, like family members or partners. I think it's like totally, like absolutely ask. I think with friends, it can be trickier because you are in that weird position of like, are we doing gifts? It kind of depends on how close you are. But I think you can frame it elegantly of kind of like, you know, if they've got a birthday coming up, like, you know, what's on your wish list this year? Or like, you can say like, I want to get you something special. I think giving them a category is like, like, are there any cookbooks that you're really excited about that you've been wanting? Like, give me a short list. And then like, the gift is you pick one of them, but they've given you five.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Giving them a little wiggle room when they give you ideas so that you get kind of like retain some of the magic of gifting, which I think a lot of people are hoping for.

• 14:41Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. There are some people who really don't want any more physical items or they don't have the space for it. What are some kinds of experiences you could consider as gifts or acts of service even?

• 14:55Speaker 02

  I think that consumables can be a really good option for people who don't want more stuff or don't have room for it. So again, thinking about like, is there a bakery in your area that makes really great pies or breads? Like, could you get them a really nice gift basket that essentially you're going to eat everything out of it? And like, you know, the basket is just a cardboard box at the end of the day. Something like that could be really good. We talked about museum memberships, and I think that's a nice option. Or are there other things in their area that they like to do regularly that you could sort of help facilitate? Car wash gift certificates can be a really nice option that kind of work for everyone who has a car. So that that could be a way you could do acts of service and something consumable that they might not be necessarily thinking about. But kind of combining these things together can be a nice way to do it.

• 15:37Marielle Segarra?

  I think a lot of people feel like they don't have the budget to get someone a good gift. But also, just based on what we're talking about, it seems like gifts don't have to be expensive to be meaningful.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 15:51Marielle Segarra?

  Right? Like, there's a lot we've just listed that are totally affordable, or even might just require your time.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. Definitely. I think that flowers you can probably get for $20, $25. That can be really nice. A book that you think they'll like is always a safe bet, particularly if you can find a copy signed by the author at the bookstore. I think that's a really nice way to take it to the next level. Can you make something? Can you make a really delicious batch of cookies that you like wrap up nicely for them? So I think just thinking about what can I personally provide? A little piece of art, like if you can draw or paint, can you make them a little something? Just, it doesn't have to be a big ordeal. It can be small and personal. And it's just a way of like saying, I care about you. I wanted you to have something nice and special on this day.

• 16:35Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. At their very best, what can gifts do for us?

• 16:41Speaker 02

  I think at their very best, gifts can give us an opportunity to do something that we might not have been able to do otherwise. They could really be about discovery. So I think that the gifts that are so special are the ones that are like, you found the perfect thing for me that I didn't even know existed. That's really hard to pull off. So we'll say that's like the platonic ideal. But I think beyond that, gifts can, they can solve a problem. They can make somebody's life a little easier in some way. They can bring them a little joy or delight or pleasure. They can make them feel less alone. They can make them feel seen. They can do any number of these things. And I think it can be helpful to just think about, what do I want my gift to do? Do I want it to make somebody laugh? Or do I want it to make them feel like really moved and cry? Because those are two totally different gifts, most likely.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  Just think about what you're trying to achieve with a gift and like, start there versus trying to come up with the perfect gift that would be perfect for anyone and everyone.

• 17:39Marielle Segarra?

  Claire Marie, are you feeling like I should get you a butter dish? Or has it now ruined the surprise? No, 100%. I want, I want a collection of butter dishes, you know?

• 17:52Speaker 02

  Amazing.

• 17:53Marielle Segarra?

  Okay.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  We did it.

• 17:54Marielle Segarra?

  You guys did it. Wow. Good. Okay.

• 17:59Marielle Segarra?

  Really nice to, to meet you, Rachel.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  You too.

• 18:05Marielle Segarra?

  All right, that's our show. Before we go, do you have a friend that you call for advice? Do you think they would like Life Kit? Why not share an episode with them? Spread the word. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Greed. Megan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Stacy Abbott. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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