BITESIZE | Mel Robbins: How to Reduce Overwhelm, Reclaim Your Energy and Feel More In Control of Life #572

Today’s guest shares a simple but powerful tool that can help you lower your stress levels, increase your energy and feel more in control of life. Feel Better Live More Bitesize is my weekly podcast for your mind, body, and heart. Each week I’ll be featuring inspirational stories and practical tips from some of my former guests. Today’s clip is from episode 525 of the podcast with best-selling author and expert in life improvement, mindset, and behaviour change, Mel Robbins. Studies show we spend up to 70% of our mental energy focusing on things we can’t control, which affects our relationships, stress levels and health. In this clip, she shares two simple words that could help us start to break free. Mel has amassed an incredible 25 million followers online because of her unique ability to connect with others. She is passionate, articulate and very relatable – and this episode is full of practical tools. Mel's book - ⁠The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About⁠. Thanks to our sponsor ⁠⁠⁠https://www.drinkag1.com/livemore⁠⁠ Show notes and the full podcast are available at https://drchatterjee.com/525 Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts ⁠⁠https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore⁠⁠ For other podcast platforms go to ⁠⁠https://fblm.supercast.com. DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Rangan Chatterjee?

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• 0:41Rangan Chatterjee?

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• 1:20Rangan Chatterjee?

  See all details at drinkag1.com/livemore. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 525 of the podcast with bestselling author and expert in life improvement, mindset and behaviour change, Mel Robbins. Studies show that we spend up to 70% of our mental energy focusing on things we can't control, which affects our relationships, stress levels and health.

• 2:02Rangan Chatterjee?

  In this clip, she shares two simple words that could help us break free.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  If you're exhausted, if you're not achieving your goals, if you can't catch a break, if you're constantly overwhelmed, you're not the problem. The problem is the power you give to everybody else. Yeah. The power you give to their thoughts, to their actions, to their moods, to their expectations. Every time you allow somebody else's behavior to impact you, or you allow their emotions to bother you, or you make it your job to make people happy, or you allow their opinions or the fear of their opinions to stop you, you are giving power to other people. And it took me until I was 54 years old to realize that, holy cow, there's a different way to live. Yeah.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  So just stop as you're listening right now and consider that there is something that you would like to change or try in your life. Like, maybe you want to write a book. Maybe you want to start a YouTube channel or a podcast. Maybe you've thought about changing careers. And yet, even though you have thought about this, you have seen other people do it, you maybe have felt a little jealous. For some reason, you're not doing it. And there's a reason why. And the reason why is because you are worried that if you were to try it, you might fail. And if you realize that this is something that's happening in your life, that you want to become financially secure,

• 3:36Speaker 01

  this is something that you really dream about, you would love to, but you don't even get started. It's because you don't believe you're going to be successful. You're afraid that you're going to fail. And so what I started to see in my own life is that there were a lot of things that I wanted to be doing, but I was stopping myself from doing them. There were a lot of things I wanted to try. But I either thought it was going to be too hard, it wasn't going to work out, so why even bother? And what's interesting about being afraid of failing is, why would it matter?

• 4:13Speaker 01

  And that gets to the deeper truth about what's underneath it. You're not afraid of failing. You're actually afraid of other people seeing you fail. You're afraid of feeling inferior to other people who tried the same thing, and it worked out for them, but it's not working out for you.

• 4:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  And if you start to realize that, my God, it's not about failing at all. It's about the opinions of what other people are going to say about me, what must be true about me in the eyes of other people. If I go after something and I look stupid, or it doesn't work out, or it's a giant eye roll to everybody. So you're not afraid of failing at all. You're afraid that other people's opinions will be that you're a failure. And when you go deep like that and you realize, wait, well, that stinks. Because number one, I'm never going to be able to control what other people think.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  And I'm allowing that fear of something I can't control because people are going to think whatever they're going to think about you. They're going to have whatever opinions. Half of them are so consumed in their own lives, they're not even paying attention to what you're doing anyway. But you're allowing that fear?

• 5:33Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  I mean, this is one of the reasons why a lot of people, you know, who want to learn how to make money online, or who want to learn how to do something with social media, or who want to learn how to market themselves or put themselves out there, don't do it.

• 5:48Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  It's because of this nagging sense that if I were to take this risk, if I were to make this change, that other people are going to think something, and that makes me a failure.

• 5:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  It's so powerful, Mel. There is actually a story in your book about Molly, your friend, the interior designer, that really kind of speaks to this.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, so this is a story about, and look, here's my belief. You and I share this belief in the limitless potential that you have inside you to change your life.

• 6:20Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  You have fundamentally changed who you are, how you live your life, the way that your life looks, your career over the past decade.

• 6:30Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  I've done the same thing over the last 15 years. There is not a chance that, in hell, that you could come up with a excuse or a reason.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  That would make me say, "You're right. You have no power here. You're right. There's nothing you can do. There's always something you can do." And oftentimes, what I've found in my own life is that I've spent so much time and energy looking at whatever everyone else is doing, that I am not paying attention to what is within my control, which is my actions, how I spend my time, my response to things, what I do, what I don't do. And so that brings us to this story about Molly. The experience that I'm about to explain is a universal feeling. Yeah. So Molly, not a real name. She calls me one night and she's all upset about something. I'm like, "What's wrong?"

• 7:21Speaker 01

  And there's a woman that is in her friend group, and it's not really a woman that Molly's good friends with. It's a woman that's kind of annoying, she's a little overbearing, a little bit of a bragger, and she has now gotten into the design business. And Molly has gotten her certifications. Molly has been in business for 10 years. And now their whole friend group is just going on and on and on about how talented this irritating woman is, who's not even a real designer. She, of course, checks out the woman's website, checks out the woman's social media. "It's beautiful." By the way, these photos are her house?

• 8:04Speaker 01

  And she didn't even decorate her house? And so Molly loses her mind. And here's the point of the story. For years, Molly has known that she needs to get serious about marketing her business better. For years, Molly has been talking about updating her website. She hasn't done it. And now, all of a sudden, this irritating woman comes along, and she is doing the exact thing that Molly has been stopping herself from doing. Yeah. And this is very important. Because when Molly was like, "What should I do?" You know, "Is she gonna steal my clients? Like, everybody thinks she's a better designer." Again, now I'm worried about people's opinions about this woman versus me.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  I'm also mad at myself.

• 8:51Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Because I'm seeing somebody who I know has no advantage, no trust fund, no special anything. And now, I don't have any excuses. Because if this chick can do it, there's nothing stopping me but me. And so she's like, "What should I do?" I'm like, "You should pick up the phone and thank her." Because this irritating woman is in your life for a reason. She is there to stir something up inside of you that you need to recognize that your excuses are BS, that you can find time, you can figure this out. The fact that you're angry and jealous of this person actually means that this matters to you. So it's time to get out of your way. It's time to stop with the excuses.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  And it's time to just make a plan and figure this out. And it brings me to a point, Dr. Chatterjee, that was so life-changing to me. Because when I was in my twenties, thirties, and even into my forties, I was a walking red flag as a friend. Because I hadn't done enough work internally. And when you're insecure about yourself, when you are in a state of struggle or lack, you cannot give other people what you do not have to give to yourself.

• 10:03Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  And so I was the kind of person, Dr. Chatterjee, where, you know, I would see somebody else winning in life, and I was jealous. I could not authentically be happy for somebody, even the people that I love, even the people that I know work hard, even the people that I know deserve it, because I was in such a state of lack. And what was interesting to me about the story about Molly and learning the let them theory and starting to use it in my life is that... No one can take anything that's meant for you. No one can. Only you can do that to yourself. See, this woman that all of a sudden starts posting beautiful things on social media

• 10:48Speaker 01

  and starts a design business and is doing all these things that you've talked yourself out of doing, she's not taking anything from you.

• 10:56Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  I never knew that. See, I would see somebody else's wins as my loss. And here's the message that I have about other people's success. Number one, other people will never block your way. They lead the way. If somebody else has a beautiful kitchen, or a brand-new podcast, or they've got a wonderful relationship with their kids, or they've turned their health around and they've lost a bunch of weight, that means you can do it too.

• 11:23Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  But if you pour time and energy into watching them and to allowing your jealousy and your insecurity to consume you, you're wasting the very energy and time that you need to focus and wake up every day and chip away at working on the things that you want. And this is the biggest revelation. Like, you know, a lot of us don't feel like we have any power. And there were times in my life where I felt like I had zero power too. But what I've come to realize is that you will never take control of your life until you stop trying to control everybody else's.

• 12:02Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  You will never feel powerful in your life until you stop giving your power away. And if you're sitting there listening to my voice right now and you're thinking, "But Mel, I don't have any power," baloney. You have so much power and currency. Your biggest power is your time and your energy and your health. And I'm gonna tell you something. Every time you try to control what somebody else thinks, or you worry about it, or you are frustrated by somebody's opinion, or you navigate your life around people's moods, or you make it your job to make everybody happy around you, you are focused on something that is outside of your control.

• 12:47Speaker 01

  And if you are spending time and energy on something that you'll never be able to impact, of course, you're going to doubt yourself. It's never going to work.

• 12:55Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  And so you're in this loop where by constantly thinking about what other people think, believe, do, feel, all of your energy and power is going to other people. So you have none left for yourself. And then you've missed the single biggest truth about life. It was never over there. The power's in here. The power's in what you do, what you think, how you process your emotions. There's a different way to live.

• 13:22Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  And the different way to live is to just let people, let them have their thoughts, let them have their opinions, let them have their business and their success and their brand-new kitchens, let them have their disappointments and their expectations, let them.

• 13:34Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  I got to focus on me. Let me remind myself that I got power here because I can always control what I think, what I do, and how I process my emotions. And that's how I take responsibility for my life.

• 13:48Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah. That's the big theme for me in your book. It's responsibility. It's about agency. It's about a sense of control that we can take back if we've given it away. I mean, that's such a key point, isn't it? One of the reasons we're so tired all the time is because we waste, and I use that word intentionally, we waste so much of our own internal energy on things outside our control, on the reactions and opinions of other people. And that Molly story, the reason I wanted to talk about it is because it's a universal story.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  And here's what I want to say about that. First of all, you said the key word here, responsibility. Responsibility is just the ability to respond.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  That's what responsibility is. You take responsibility for your life by understanding that you are in control of your ability to respond to life.

• 14:53Rangan Chatterjee?

  That's the secret to life.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  That's the secret.

• 14:56Rangan Chatterjee?

  Right there.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  And this is not a new idea, by the way. Like, I did not create the idea that what's happening around you does not need to happen to you. I did not create the idea that your power is not in trying to control out there, it's in trying to control in here. This is Stoicism. This is Buddhism. This is Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. And what I love about these two words, "let them," is that it has all of its roots in this philosophy and truth that has been true about human beings and life since the beginning of time. Which is, anytime you try to control something that you can't control, it just creates stress

• 15:40Speaker 01

  and frustration for you. And the more you give up trying to control everything, the more control you gain. And I've spent my entire life getting sucked in, well, I shouldn't even say sucked in, because that implies that somebody else pulled me in. I have spent my entire life-

• 15:57Rangan Chatterjee?

  Pulling yourself in.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Pulling myself in, allowing myself to be involved in people's drama, affected by people's moods, frustrated by things that I can't control, scared about what people are doing, scared about their opinions, all of which I can't control. And these two words, just saying "let them," it was like discovering there's a completely different way to live, because there is. When you learn how to detach, and this is another thing that the "let them" theory really is, if you understand detachment theory or radical acceptance, this is how you apply it in modern life. It's ancient wisdom and therapeutic modalities and some of the greatest spiritual teachings.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  In a simple tool for a very frustrating and stressful moment in human history.

• 16:48Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  So you can apply it. That's what this is. And so back to the Molly story. The interesting thing about jealousy is that I used to get consumed by jealousy. If I saw, you know, a group of people going away, I would be jealous I wasn't invited. If I saw somebody else getting, you know, the promotion I thought I deserved, I would be jealous. If I saw somebody getting the better shift, if I was a waitress on Saturday night, I would be jealous and frustrated. The thing about jealousy is that you can only be jealous of things that you actually want. And so if you're willing in those moments of jealousy and you're like, I'm jealous of that. Well, let's go a layer deeper. Because what if jealousy didn't mean that there's something wrong with you?

• 17:33Speaker 01

  What if jealousy is a signal from your values?

• 17:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  That there's something important that you're ignoring? That friend's brand new kitchen that you're happy for her, but you're super jealous about? Okay, good. Let's go underneath that.

• 17:46Rangan Chatterjee?

  I think one of the things people love about you, Mel, is how open you are. You share very openly. I think it's an old friend of yours and they had the most beautiful house and your kids loved hanging out there and you wanted to be happy, but you couldn't.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  Yes, I was so jealous. I mean, I'm like, have you ever had an experience, Dr. Chatterjee, where you and your wife, you pull into somebody's house, you're like, how do they have this much money? Like, the driveway's long. It's like they've got the playroom with like four bunk beds. And you're like, no wonder my kids are always here.

• 18:15Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  And the thing about those moments is it's normal to feel that way. And it's normal to struggle with these conflicting emotions of being both happy for your friends that worked hard and who are awesome and deserve this stuff, but to then also feel sorry for yourself and really jealous. And so if you then can use, let them. Okay, let them have a better house to meet. Let them have the most amazing bunk room for the kids. Let them enjoy this. Now let me go to the let me part. Let me really ask myself, what exactly am I jealous of? What exactly is bothering me? Because, you know, I'm not jealous of somebody that has a penthouse in Dubai. I don't want to live there.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  But for the things that are meant for you, I believe jealousy is a message from your future self. I believe jealousy is such a kind of frustrating emotion that it is trying to organize the energy and friction that you need inside yourself to actually wake up and recognize that where you are is not where you want to be, nor where you're meant to be.

• 19:29Rangan Chatterjee?

  I think some people get stuck there now.

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Of course, I lived there for decades.

• 19:32Rangan Chatterjee?

  In stage one, without realizing, okay, stage one, be honest with yourself. Don't try and pretend you're not feeling that, which is what I think a lot of people do. But then move to stage two. You call it let me. The way I hear it for you, it's kind of like, you recognize it. Spend a bit of time understanding, what precisely is it about this person and their life? Molly can apply the same thing with their interior designer business, right? And then what can I now do about it?

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Correct, because here's the thing. The let them theory is a very simple mindset tool. And it is ultimately about control and freedom. That's what it's about. One thing that you will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control is what another person believes, feels, thinks, says, or does. And so the let them theory is super simple. The first step is anytime anybody else, whether it's the government, or it's traffic, or it's your boss's mood, or it's your in-laws, anytime anybody's behavior bothers you, just say let them. Because when you say let them, you are queuing to yourself.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  I recognize that I can't control the government. I can't control my mother-in-law's mood. I can't control what my boss is doing right now. I can't control what the hell, let them. I can't control the fact that there's traffic right now on a Monday morning, which is super stupid, while everyone's trying, let them. Because if I can't control it, when I say let them, I'm putting up a boundary. And I'm saying, this isn't worth my time and energy.

• 21:12Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  And then you say the second part, which is let me, and this is the more critical part, I think, this is the more powerful part, because let me, every time you say let them, you separate yourself from allowing the world to impact you in a negative way, and you separate yourself from making it your responsibility to make other people happy or meet their expectations. And then, when you say let me, you now cue yourself every time, Dr. Chatterjee, there's only three things in your control, ever. It's what you think right now about what's happening. It's what you do or don't do.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  And we forget that not doing something is often the more powerful choice. And number three, you get to control how you react to your own emotions in this moment. Do they rise and fall? Do you breathe through it? Do you use your three, four, or five breath?

• 22:13Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  And some of the tools that you talk about all the time and settle yourself? Or do you allow your emotions to run you over like a freight train? And next thing you know, you said something you've regretted, or you've spent 90 minutes, have you ever written one of those emails where it's like,

• 22:28Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, come on.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  Back, back, back. And you're like, best, and then send. And does nothing but keep you in a stressed out state. And so, it really is a tool that you can use in endless ways to recognize when life is getting to you, and that you're giving time and energy to something that you can't control, and you're now choosing to recognize it and say let them, which means you protect your time and energy.

• 23:00Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  And then, when you say let me, you remind yourself, no matter how scary this is, no matter how tired I am, let me remind myself through my attitude, my actions, and my ability to process my emotions, I actually can make this a little better. I have power, I have choice.

• 23:17Rangan Chatterjee?

  Some people may say, well, is some of this a bit of toxic positivity? Right? Is you saying, let them, someone's going to criticize me, let's say a member of the public, we're not talking about your family now.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Or even the family.

• 23:30Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, let them. It doesn't bother me.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  I didn't say it doesn't bother you. The reason why you have to say let them is because it does bother you.

• 23:37Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay, so this is the key point because you're not saying ignore your emotions and just stoically move on.

• 23:45Speaker 01

  Nope. So here's the thing. The issue isn't caring. The issue is that you give more weight to your family's opinions than you give to your own. So the let them theory is not supposed to actually hurt your relationships. It's supposed to teach you the emotional maturity and the compassion and the confidence to be able to care about what somebody thinks, to care about why they may think that way,

• 24:24Speaker 01

  but to care more about the decisions that you make about how you're going to live your life. And again, learning this incredible skill that two things can be true at once.

• 24:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, I love that.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  So the easiest way to start using the let them theory is to simply protect yourself from daily stressors. Like, you know, if you're standing in queue at a little market and there's two cashiers open, five people in front of you, and there's like tons of people around, but five other empty cashier register things. And it's like beep, beep, beep.

• 25:05Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  What do you feel in your body?

• 25:07Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 25:08Speaker 01

  You feel the flood of stress. And in that moment, if you're the old Mel Robbins, you would start rocking back and forth. You'd anxiously look at your phone. I'd turn around and roll my eyes at the person behind me. I'd get frustrated if I saw people working in the store, but they're not coming to cashier. And here's what I've just done. I've allowed something stupid to put me in a fight or flight response and trigger the stress psychology in my body, which impacts me for the rest of the day. And I've also lost sight of something. I have control. Let them be slow. Let them run the store like this. And let me remind myself that I can leave.

• 25:51Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  Instead of rocking back and forth, I could actually close my eyes and practice your three, four, five breath technique.

• 25:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah. Anything you want.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  Anything you want.

• 26:02Rangan Chatterjee?

  Once you realize that you have the power.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:04Rangan Chatterjee?

  That's the key.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:05Rangan Chatterjee?

  That's the key message in this book, right?

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Yes. And I would hear like people like you talking about what's possible when you really relax, when you really start taking care of yourself. And I will admit, I had that thing like I could, I could get a little bit of that. But I didn't really understand what it meant to be in a body that feels calm and present. Like if you insulate yourself from those moments of stress that drain you, that just impact your health, one, two word phrase at a time, you're actually protecting yourself from the things that are hurting your health.

• 26:44Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, I love it. I mean, as you say, there are echoes of Stoicism, philosophy, religion. But what does that speak to? It speaks to the fact that this is a universal human truth. But I think what you've done so beautifully is by distilling it down to two very simple words, two deceptively simple words. That's where the power comes. Thank you so much for listening. This episode was the last bite size of the season. If you are a long time listener of my show, you will know that every summer I take a break from the podcast for six weeks. Why do I do that? Well, my wife produces each week's show.

• 27:29Rangan Chatterjee?

  I spend a lot of time researching and having these conversations. And you know, over the summer, it's really important for us as a family to take some time off so we can really spend some quality, undistracted time with our children over their summer break. There is one more long form conversations come next Wednesday. We finish off the season with a very special episode, of course. I'll be back at the very start of September with the Wednesday full-length conversations and the Friday bite-sized ones. If you have enjoyed my podcast, if you've enjoyed these bite-sized episodes, I'd really appreciate your help in spreading the words. My request to you this summer is if you found my podcast useful, if you found it valuable

• 28:13Rangan Chatterjee?

  in your own life, would you consider sharing an episode of this podcast with five different people? My goal with the information on the show each week is to inspire and empower as many people as I possibly can. And you guys can help me do that. If you help me spread the word, together, we can help spread this message of positivity, compassion and health. Thank you so much for your support this season. I hope you have a good summer and I will see you at the start of September, ready and raring to go.