Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card XII

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  Today is Wild Card 12.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  12?

• 0:11Dax Shepard?

  I cannot believe we've had 12 wild cards.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  We love a wild card.

• 0:16Dax Shepard?

  We do, because you don't know what you're gonna get. Are you gonna get sepsis?

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 0:20Dax Shepard?

  Someone might.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 0:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this is wild, as promised, as advertised. Please enjoy Wild Card 12. We get support from Quince.

• 0:34Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 0:43Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is, because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy, it's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:23Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time, and he looks iconic.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:33Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully-designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 1:51Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that, too.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop, cold water every morning before anything else.

• 2:40Dax Shepard?

  AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.

• 2:58Dax Shepard?

  It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know, mm, I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.

• 3:15Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega three fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Experts sent you.

• 4:00Dax Shepard?

  Hello.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Hi.

• 4:02Dax Shepard?

  I see you're in your closet.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  I am. My closet is tiny. I live in a Cape Cod house, so it's quite small.

• 4:08Dax Shepard?

  How long have you lived there?

• 4:09Speaker 02

  I have been here for about five years.

• 4:11Dax Shepard?

  You and who?

• 4:12Speaker 02

  My husband.

• 4:13Dax Shepard?

  How long have you been married?

• 4:14Speaker 02

  About three years. He and his parents actually renovated this whole house. And then the last nail was hammered in and I met him that next month.

• 4:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, what timing. That's perfect.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, it worked out great for me.

• 4:25Dax Shepard?

  And then you lived there in sin for a couple of years and then you tied the knot?

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, as the Lord intended.

• 4:29Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. What fake name are you going to use?

• 4:32Speaker 02

  I told my friend I would use her name, so I'm going to be Brooke today.

• 4:36Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. I like the name Brooke. It makes me think of Brooke Shields immediately. Solid. Okay, so this is wild card. Also, Monica may enter. She's late, but don't get disrupted if you see a small mouse cross frame and then join.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  I haven't had any small mice in my house before, so it'll be a first for me.

• 4:53Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. Brooke, please set up your story.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  This story takes place in 2012. I was about to graduate from college. It was actually two nights before my college graduation. So it was a Friday night. I was supposed to graduate on Sunday. And I went to a party that was hosted by the college. So they threw a little graduation chindig for graduating seniors.

• 5:19Dax Shepard?

  And can I ask what your major was? I want to stereotype you a little bit.

• 5:22Speaker 02

  Do you want to guess? Lean into the stereotyping.

• 5:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I'm going art history.

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Okay, I love it. It was not art history, but I appreciate it.

• 5:30Dax Shepard?

  What was it?

• 5:31Speaker 02

  So that actually is a little bit of the story. So I'm going to reserve that information. But my undergraduate program was just a small liberal arts college. They can't host a party for the entire graduating class. That's how small we are.

• 5:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. Okay.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  My friends and I went to that. And then after that was finished, we went back to another friend's dorm room in an area of campus that we typically did not hang out because it was where the first and second years actually lived. My friend that lived there had left first semester and come back, and that was the only place that they had housing available. So the party kind of continues there. At around midnight, we go outside to the smoking gazebo. The campus had these wooden gazebos in all of the different housing areas that were a particular distance from the doors to encourage people to smoke their cigarettes the correct distance away.

• 6:18Dax Shepard?

  And now 2012, what percentage of the students are banging darts?

• 6:21Speaker 02

  It felt like a lot, but maybe it was just my friends.

• 6:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  So we go to the smoking gazebo, and when we enter the gazebo, we realize that all of the freshmen, they're all given a campus book to read as they enter their freshman year. And they all had taken that book and hung it in the rafters of this gazebo. So there were probably like 12 to 15 books that were stuck in the rafters of this wooden gazebo. And they're all kind of hanging with their pages fanning out around us.

• 6:44Dax Shepard?

  How drunk are you out of 10 at this point?

• 6:46Speaker 02

  I feel like. In hindsight, I probably was drunker than I thought I was.

• 6:50Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure.

• 6:51Speaker 02

  But I would say like a solid five or six. I would not consider out of control. I've had way drunker nights. But that combined with the feeling of like, we're done with our undergraduate, we're celebrating.

• 7:00Dax Shepard?

  Nature's cocaine.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  Exactly. It really got into our system and we decide that we are going to light these books on fire.

• 7:07Dax Shepard?

  Great. And whose idea specifically?

• 7:09Speaker 02

  I mean, who can say?

• 7:10Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  We all stand up on the benches in the gazebo, flames to the pages. I'm sure you've burnt paper in your life. So, you know, there's a quick ignition of the pages and then burns out super quickly. And it's mostly just like the littering down of the book pages.

• 7:25Dax Shepard?

  Ash all over you.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  Exactly. We're getting covered in ash, but man, felt good.

• 7:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, exciting.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  We're in the gazebo. I am still standing on the wooden bench with my lighter up to the book pages. And I hear someone behind me say, what are you doing? And so I turn around and the person behind me is backlit by like the industrial lighting of the dorm building. So it's just an outline of a person. And with my lighter still up, I say, I'm lighting these books on fire.

• 7:51Dax Shepard?

  Duh.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  Obviously, like, what a stupid question. So the person responds, man, put the lighter down and step out of the gazebo.

• 7:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that sounds like a law enforcement.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  It is a law enforcement officer. And this is where I learned three very important things. At the same time that we were lighting these books on fire, there was a freshman across the quad that was lighting fireworks off. And so campus police came down to handle that and they stumbled upon this scene instead. I also learned that there has been for the last several months in this dorm building where I spend no time, a serial arsonist.

• 8:26Dax Shepard?

  Goodness. Okay. Wow.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  That they have been trying to capture. And I learned later that this serial arsonist has been lighting trashcans on fire inside of the building. Has been lighting rolls of toilet paper on fire and rolling them down hallways. So there's a serial arsonist at large. And this campus police officer thinks that he has captured that arsonist and that that arsonist is me.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  And with the benefit of hindsight, I mean, it looks like I have put kindling inside of this wooden structure.

• 8:55Dax Shepard?

  No, you want to talk about, pun intended, caught red handed. I mean, my goodness. Of course, you're the arsonist.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Then I admitted it freely. I have put books in this gazebo. I'm lighting in a circle. All of my friends at this point have ran, so it looks like it is just me because I had my back to him as he arrived. And so he puts me in cuffs. I end up in the back of the car. My friends have all run and my adrenaline is kicking in and I'm realizing that not only do I have nothing on me, but I don't know any phone numbers of anyone that can help me in this area. My entire family, every member I know is eight hours away. And now we're quickly approaching 2:00 a.m. the night before I'm supposed to graduate from college.

• 9:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  I tell the cop what's going on and he agrees to go get my phone out of my friend's dorm room. And so he brings my phone to me. We get down to the police station. I'm booked. They tell me at this point that I was booked with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and that my bail was $50.

• 9:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  It's just the booking fee, apparently, that they were charging me. So call my friend and tell him. And he says, no problem. I'll be down there within the hour. So they get me in a holding cell. Someone comes back in and says that they have spoken with whatever representative, whether it was the school or the fire department, I'm unsure, but they have changed the charge. They have upped it to destruction of property over 250 and arson, both of which are felony charges.

• 10:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  Well, this is just a horse of a different color and there's no way I can afford this bail. And they tell me bail is $250.

• 10:24Dax Shepard?

  Still reasonable.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  Not terrible. So I say, well, my friend's bringing 50. Can I call him back? And so they bring me my phone again, which I also did not think you can use your own phone. But I call my friend again and I tell him what's happened. And I say, I have an arraignment in the morning. I can just stay the night here. It is fine. $250 is a lot. I cannot pay you back immediately. And he just pauses and says, Well, is it scary?

• 10:48Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure, sure, sure. Are you enjoying yourself?

• 10:50Speaker 02

  I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not prison. And so he ends up coming down. He does come bail me out. At this point, I need to be in an arraignment in four hours at an undisclosed city in New England. And my family is preparing to get in their car at another undisclosed city eight hours away and drive to me for my college graduation. My grandmother has flown in from the Southwest. I am her first grandchild to graduate from college. My best friend is riding up with my family for this. I plan to just handle it, get through the weekend, not ruin graduation, and then tell them later.

• 11:27Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  And I go in for the arraignment, and I quickly realize I'm not going to be able to handle this easily because the judge asked me if I want a court-appointed attorney or a private attorney. And I just blank and I say, well, can I let you know? I have no idea what to do. It's quickly becoming obvious that I am not equipped for this situation.

• 11:49Dax Shepard?

  It's more serious than you're thinking at this point.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Yes, it's quickly becoming very obvious that it's more than it seemed like at 2:00 a.m. And so I leave the courthouse and I realize I need to call someone, but I don't know anyone that's pre-law. I don't know any lawyers. So I think, who's the smartest person I know that could like maybe help? So I call my cousin who's in med school, which does not translate to the situation. But he does tell me exactly what I need to hear, which is, why did you call me? You need to call your dad. So I called my dad and told him what had happened. And I have never heard him laugh harder in my entire life.

• 12:24Dax Shepard?

  You weren't a troublemaker, I'm assuming? This isn't like the 80th call he's received?

• 12:28Speaker 02

  The first one.

• 12:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, okay, great. You earned a laughing.

• 12:31Speaker 02

  I don't really know if he was laughing because he didn't believe me because it was just so absurd and out of character.

• 12:37Dax Shepard?

  Did you know already that they were trying to link you to this serial arsonist? Was that known to you at this time? Or did that come out later?

• 12:44Speaker 02

  I had a little bit of an idea about it because the arresting officer made a mention of it.

• 12:48Dax Shepard?

  So when you told your dad, you were able to say, hey, they think I'm this arsonist, but this was a one-off. I was just lighting some books on fire.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was just a comedy of errors. The simulation was not in my favor that day.

• 13:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, sometimes it doesn't go our way. It's a bad scene.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I was definitely in the wrong on that. But I had a little bit of an inkling. Because the arresting officer made a comment about it. So he kind of clued me in that there was a series of arsons that had been happening. And my response to that was I have put out more fires on this campus than I have started.

• 13:18Dax Shepard?

  Ah, okay.

• 13:19Speaker 02

  Which is true.

• 13:20Dax Shepard?

  This is a wild college. It's tiny, but it's wild. Yeah, a lot of pyros.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  I'm only one of many and not even the biggest one.

• 13:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:27Speaker 02

  So they've included, they're on their way to me. I get back to campus. I'm in the dean of students' office, where I then get filled in completely on the arson situation. And I have completely convinced the dean of students that I am not this arsonist. It is just a different, unconnected arson. The flames weren't even sending the gazebo. Like, there was no marking anywhere. My dad went back the next day to take pictures. But she suspends me for a semester, and she withholds my diploma.

• 13:55Dax Shepard?

  What?

• 13:55Speaker 02

  And she doesn't want to let me walk at graduation the next day because she wants to send a message that they don't take kindly to arson, which I cannot fault her for that message. But I'm also dealing with two felony charges on top of now this academic suspension and potential to not walk. So I beg her, like, my grandmother just flew in from the southwest. She is actively driving to me right now. She hasn't seen any grandchildren graduate yet. Like, give me an empty piece of paper. I do not care, but please let me graduate. And she agrees to that.

• 14:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  She still suspends me. The diploma is still withheld, but she lets me walk. But my family thought it was the funniest thing ever. My grandmother, the entire weekend, was like moving candles away from me at restaurants.

• 14:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this is the product of being a really good girl your whole life, is that everyone can have a good sense of humor about it. They're probably happy you got into trouble a little bit.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  Well, this is their favorite story to tell. I actually was a little bit nervous about telling it just because I never am the one that tells it. They are telling it about me.

• 14:48Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Just as an update for the charges, they actually ended up dropping the arson charge altogether. They changed the destruction of property charge to under 250, which is a misdemeanor. I had to go to court-appointed therapy. They had actually recommended Fire Starters Anonymous, but that is typically for children.

• 15:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, is it really?

• 15:05Speaker 01

  That's a thing?

• 15:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, not a great fit for what happened with me. Typically, if you are going to that program, you've been starting fires for quite a long time. But the therapist also thought this was very funny. She laughed at me when I told her. The whole story. However, I will say it gave me a very new perspective on how quickly something that felt very stupid or silly could derail your entire life. A lot of gratitude for the fact that it did turn out so well for me because it could have been very different for someone else in a different situation, or even me if someone had had a different opinion.

• 15:37Dax Shepard?

  We interviewed a kid that like, I want to say he opened up a fire hydrant to be funny, and it washed out an entire neighborhood above his house. Remember that in Utah?

• 15:44Speaker 02

  I remember that.

• 15:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Things can go wrong.

• 15:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. Looking at millions of dollars of damage. Oh, fuck. Did you have to get a lawyer to plead all that out? Did you end up getting a public appointed attorney?

• 15:56Speaker 02

  So the judge, when I said, can I let you know, when he asked if I wanted a court appointed attorney or a private attorney, just gave me a court appointed attorney and was like, you can deal with it. If you don't want him, just fire him later. And my dad did eight hours of research in the car on the way to me and was like, this guy's actually good. He's doing pro bono work. We're going to stick with him. And he was great. So after six months of no issues with the law, it was expunged from my record. So in terms of like the law, everything is copacetic. But that is not where the story ends.

• 16:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  So five years later, my friend, she was at the time a manager of a restaurant, they hired a new employee who had gone to my college after my tenure. And so she said, of course, oh, my best friend went there. She got arrested for burning a gazebo down, which

• 16:39Dax Shepard?

  is an exaggeration, but yeah, yeah.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  Exactly. And that new employee said, oh, they actually replaced all those gazebos with metal gazebos.

• 16:46Dax Shepard?

  Oh, because this was calling to the students to burn it down.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  They couldn't have a round two. They were like, we never caught the arsonist. So we need to make sure this can't get burnt down. But then several years after that, I applied to grad school. And in that application process, they ask if you've been suspended or had like an academic blip on your radar. And so I had to click yes. And I attached a document explaining basically what I sent to Emma when I submitted to Armed Terror Anonymous. Like, this is what happened. And I actually got a call from the admissions counselor a couple of weeks later. And he's like, I'm looking at this application here, and I see that you submitted that you were suspended from school, but I'm not seeing anywhere on your transcript that that's reflected. And I said, was it the end? So it's not super obvious. There's no gap. It's the last thing

• 17:31Speaker 02

  that happened. I said, did you read the attached document? And he said, oh, no, I didn't even see that. Let me go look at it now.

• 17:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh, oh.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  So he opens it while I'm on the phone with him. Then I get the privilege of listening to him live react to the explanation of my arrest for burning books while he reads my application for a master's in library science.

• 17:52Dax Shepard?

  Library.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  That's Simmy. That's Sim.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  And so add him to the long list of people that was laughing.

• 17:59Dax Shepard?

  And then, so did you get your master's in library science?

• 18:02Speaker 02

  Yes, I've been a U Services librarian for about five years.

• 18:05Dax Shepard?

  We've never interviewed a librarian.

• 18:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  You should add a librarian, Armed Chair Anonymous, prompt. We've got some crazy stories.

• 18:12Dax Shepard?

  Because people use them as like a public resting house. Yeah, you see some wild stuff.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  They call us the America's Living Room, like we're the last free place you can be without the expectation of buying something.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, like the Elizabeth Smart thing.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  That was at the library. You get a lot of heartwarming stories there, too.

• 18:28Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  That's a great idea.

• 18:30Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever caught any lovers?

• 18:32Speaker 02

  We had a bench at a library I used to work at that we called the make out bench because it was like just around a corner.

• 18:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  So we'd have to just break up like a bunch of teens.

• 18:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay, some heavy petting, but nothing too extreme.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  That's an episode of Friends. All these people were making out in front of Ross's book.

• 18:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's sweet.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  But he didn't like it. He wanted people to see the book.

• 18:51Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Well, they covered everything in that show.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  They really did.

• 18:55Dax Shepard?

  I've really come to realize. Okay, well, Brooke, so nice meeting you. And then it's such a sweet story. As far as people getting arrested and almost not graduating, it's about as sweet as it can come.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  I mean, it would not have been as sweet if my family was not as fantastic as they are. My grandma set the tone. She was just like, this is gonna be funny.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Good for her.

• 19:14Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's so nice meeting you.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, you guys too. Thanks so much.

• 19:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay, take care.

• 19:27Dax Shepard?

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• 22:14Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 22:15Dax Shepard?

  Hello. Is this Lauren?

• 22:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, so nice to meet y'all.

• 22:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, nice to meet you. First of all, I just want to say we know there are photos coming, which is very exciting. We don't get to flip them over yet, but anytime there's photos, we're excited. And then are you in the South or just from the South?

• 22:28Speaker 05

  I'm actually from Dallas, Texas, but I am currently living in Greenville, South Carolina.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 22:33Speaker 05

  Kind of close to you, Monica.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, not far.

• 22:36Dax Shepard?

  And are you loving Greenville, South Carolina? Why'd you move there? For a lover?

• 22:39Speaker 05

  My husband is from here.

• 22:41Dax Shepard?

  Those South Carolina gentlemen, they can be real charming. They got a real molasses-y accent.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  What is it called? Chivalrous?

• 22:47Dax Shepard?

  Does he ever duel men on the corner?

• 22:49Speaker 05

  He hasn't yet, but I mean, there's always time.

• 22:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. So you've got a wild card story.

• 22:54Speaker 05

  I do. It doesn't take place in the South, unfortunately. It takes place in Washington DC, which is where I was after college, where I moved post-grad. So back in 2021, I had just moved there. I was young. I was living my life on my own for the first time, which also plays into the story. I had just moved out there and I had a friend that was gonna come visit me. We went out, we got dinner, and then, you know, we went dancing and it was great. And we stayed up late. It was really fun. So then the next morning I woke up and I'm like, Allison, I am not feeling well. So I had gotten a blister on the back of my foot a week earlier from tennis shoes, not even from heels. And I was like, my blister kind of feels weird. And she's like, that's so funny.

• 23:36Speaker 05

  I was like, okay, but I'm here to show you the DC experience. So we go do all the monuments.

• 23:41Dax Shepard?

  Do you put a Band-Aid over the blister? Do you wear two pairs of socks? How are you addressing walking around with a blister?

• 23:47Speaker 05

  I had actually worn boots because it was also in November, which I had forgotten to mention. And my foot had actually swollen a little bit, and so it wouldn't fit into my boots. And so I had to go and change into my Birkenstocks back at home.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  That are open in the back.

• 24:01Speaker 05

  Yes. And so I walked around DC, probably, I think it was a whole half marathon, over 13 miles at that point. Not feeling great, but you know, it is what it is.

• 24:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 24:12Speaker 05

  Yeah. So we go to dinner that night. I'm really not feeling great. And she's like, okay, we'll take you to an urgent care tomorrow morning and we'll get you some antibiotics. And I'm like, great. So the next morning we go. Wake up, we go and the doctor sees me and he's like, you've got a little bit of an infection. Let's get you some oral antibiotics.

• 24:28Dax Shepard?

  He looks at the heel?

• 24:29Speaker 05

  Yeah. And at this point, it's like a little red. It's not too bad. In his defense and everyone's defense, I want to make that very clear.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  What did it feel like? Did it feel different than just like when you have a normal blister and it hurts a lot? Did it feel like different?

• 24:44Speaker 05

  Yes, it felt different and it also felt hot. I want to treat my friend to a good time. So then we continue on with our touristy, we walking around, it's great time. I send her on her way Sunday afternoon. Next morning, I have to walk to work because I don't have a car in DC. Most people don't have cars and walking to work, that was a tough one. It was pretty swollen. I had the mules where I could slide my foot into it, but also it's November, so I'm freezing. I get to work and I'm like, guys, look at this blister. It's crazy. And they're like, yeah, this looks really, really bad. You should probably go to the doctor. And I'm like, no, I've already been. I'm on oral antibiotics. It's fine. And this older coworker of mine takes one look at it and she's like, if you don't go to the doctor right now, like I'm going to be really mad.

• 25:25Speaker 05

  And I was like, but I don't want to pay to go to the emergency room because remember I don't have a car and I was making no money. I didn't want to pay for an Uber and she's like, if you don't go right now, I'm going to call an ambulance and make you pay for the ambulance.

• 25:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh wow.

• 25:37Speaker 05

  And I was like, well, I don't want to pay for an ambulance, so fine.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  She's really laying down the law.

• 25:41Speaker 05

  And looking back, I really am appreciative. So I go and I don't know if you guys have ever been to a emergency room waiting room in Washington DC.

• 25:49Dax Shepard?

  No, but we watched the pit, so I guess I'm, I have some sense of what it probably is like.

• 25:54Speaker 05

  So it's very similar. The chaos, seeing every single type of injury. I saw stab wounds. I saw multiple unauthorized evacuations.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Oh wow.

• 26:05Speaker 05

  Keep in mind, I'm 22 from the South in DC. Like this is a lot for me. I'm thinking that this is not that big of a deal. I'm actually supposed to go on a first date the next day and I'm texting this guy like, hey, I'm in the ER right now, but like this is not a big deal. And he's like, don't you need me to come? And the problem was that I told the nurse that this was like a level two or three on the pain scale. That meant that the stab wounds were gonna get seen before me, which, to be fair, that makes sense. So I go on thirteen hours and they're still not seeing me. I got there probably two and like three AM comes around and I'm still not getting seen by anyone. So I'm gonna go home.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:42Speaker 05

  This is crazy. At this point, the red has spread. The red has gone up my leg past my knee.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 26:51Speaker 05

  My entire leg is quite inflamed at this point.

• 26:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 26:54Speaker 05

  I'm like, I think I need to go get some stronger antibiotics. And I go back to the same urgent care guy and he's like, you need to go to a podiatrist. This is bad. So I Uber back to the podiatrist. I've spent so much money on Ubers at this point. I'm making no money. So this is really a big deal for me. I go back to the podiatrist. She takes one look at my leg. She's like, if you don't go to the emergency room right now, you're going to lose this leg.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 27:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my god.

• 27:17Speaker 05

  Keep in mind, this is from a blister.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:20Speaker 05

  I'm like, this is crazy. I was just there. It was thirteen hours and they didn't see me. And so she's saying, okay, I'll give them a call and make sure that they see you. But there is no if, ands, or buts. You've got to go to the emergency room. Luckily, it's a whole medical district in DC, so I just walk across the street, thank goodness. Because I get there and they still don't see me. So it takes a couple of more hours. So I'm on hour five at this point, waiting for the emergency room again. My body starts to like shake.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  It is sepsis.

• 27:47Speaker 05

  It was exactly that. So shutting down. I go to the nurse. I'm like, hey, would it be possible for you to take my temperature? I think something's wrong. I might have a fever. And so she takes it. She's, so it's one oh three. What's your pain scale right now? And I'm like, it might be at an eight or a nine. She's like, have you ever been at a ten? I'm like, no, I don't think so. Because nothing bad has ever happened in my life. Like, I've never gotten a bad injury.

• 28:11Dax Shepard?

  This is why you're so optimistic about this whole thing.

• 28:13Speaker 05

  Exactly. She's like, so I think that this is your ten. I do believe that you have sepsis and your body is shutting down. So she's like, we're gonna admit you right now, because if we don't, something bad is going to happen. I find out later that bad thing is in fact death. Like, I would have died because it was in my bloodstream at that point. They put me on morphine. And this is when I really find out that it's bad, because the morphine didn't stop my shaking. So you finally get me on I- Antibiotics and my body, funnily enough, is allergic to this.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  No.

• 28:44Dax Shepard?

  This is an episode of House.

• 28:46Speaker 05

  Truly. So I get this thing. It's called Red Man Syndrome. I think they've renamed it now because of, you know, it's bad.

• 28:53Speaker 05

  It's past my knee. My leg is red and my body's now matched that redness. And they're like, okay, so now we have to flush this antibiotic because obviously your body is having an allergic reaction to this, which they get really freaked out about because so much time has passed now, like the 13 hours, the five hours, the overnight, it's completely in my bloodstream. And so basically they get me back on a different antibiotic at this point. Apparently it was just in time where it didn't go into my bone. They were gonna have to chip away my bone. Because they thought that it was in that, but luckily they caught it right for that. And so they finally at that point are like, okay, we'll admit you into the hospital. I'm like, okay, well, what's the hospital gonna do for me?

• 29:33Speaker 05

  And they're like, well, we have to let the infection get through your bloodstream enough to where it can basically like coagulate into like a little ball to where they can carve it out.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is so gnarly. Oh, my God.

• 29:47Speaker 05

  This is where the pictures come in. So if you want to see the picture.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  I'm scared.

• 29:52Dax Shepard?

  So scared. I'm very scared. Oh, my.

• 29:59Speaker 05

  So there's like a little progression.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 30:03Dax Shepard?

  It looks like you have an eggplant hanging off the back of your.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  This is not a blizzard. I don't know how to describe this.

• 30:14Dax Shepard?

  Do they lance it?

• 30:16Speaker 05

  It took five days in the hospital. Basically, they just had to let the infection get through to that point. And then they just carved it out, like they scooped it out. The surgery only took 30 minutes. I called it my alien. Like it looked like a little alien on the back of my foot.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  I wish that the listeners could see the photo.

• 30:33Dax Shepard?

  It's foul. It's blue. It's red.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  Way worse than you're thinking in your head, listener.

• 30:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:41Dax Shepard?

  It looks like a really poisonous avocado hanging off the back. Wow. Any damage to your Achilles? Your Achilles is right there, right?

• 30:48Speaker 05

  No damage.

• 30:49Dax Shepard?

  Still positive. Still positive.

• 30:52Speaker 05

  No, seriously, like it really was the best case scenario. And so, well. The other thing that I was gonna say is that during that whole experience, I mean, I became really good friends with the nurses. I'm on this internal unit and I'm the healthiest person there. Yes, I was close to them. But like I became friends with all the nurses and I remember one of them said, oh, like, are you missing anything? And I was like, well, you know, that date, kind of tough, but you know, not like anything's ever gonna come from it. Or maybe we'll just reschedule it. We did end up rescheduling it and then we did end up a year later getting engaged.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 31:21Dax Shepard?

  And this is the southern gentleman from South Carolina?

• 31:25Speaker 05

  This is the southern gentleman from South Carolina.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  Oh, I knew he was a good one when he offered to come to the hospital that first day and they hadn't even gone on a date yet.

• 31:34Dax Shepard?

  Did he come see you in the hospital? No.

• 31:36Speaker 05

  No, and that was for the best.

• 31:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, I was gonna say, if he showed up and you had that thing hanging off your ankle and he's still stuck with you, I would say that's about as good of a sign as you're gonna get.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 31:47Speaker 05

  He did ask to see your pictures later and I was like, I don't know if that's good for our beginning of our relationship.

• 31:52Dax Shepard?

  I hope your visiting friend felt very guilty.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  Well, that hurtful.

• 31:58Speaker 05

  No, it's funny. I texted her that I was coming on this and I was like, hey, is it okay if I use your name? She's like, no, people need to hear the story. This is like an ad for Neosporin.

• 32:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, cautionary.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  It is cautionary. Tell you gotta clean these wounds.

• 32:11Dax Shepard?

  You do. I feel like it was directed at me in particular, which is like, I do not take anything serious until it's real late.

• 32:18Speaker 05

  Me neither. So this is my cautionary tale to you that sometimes things are as bad as people warn them to be.

• 32:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, sometimes the rewards are correct.

• 32:26Speaker 01

  That's right. Most of the time we are. That person you work with.

• 32:30Dax Shepard?

  Saved your life?

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, she saved your life.

• 32:32Speaker 05

  Shout out Natalie.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Well, that was horrible.

• 32:34Dax Shepard?

  It was gruesome and I loved it.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, thank you.

• 32:36Speaker 05

  It was so nice meeting you guys. Thank you for taking the time and shout out to my husband, Will.

• 32:41Dax Shepard?

  Will, what up? Good lad. Way to hang in there.

• 32:44Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 32:45Dax Shepard?

  All right.

• 32:45Speaker 05

  All right, thank you all so much.

• 32:46Dax Shepard?

  Bye bye.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 32:50Dax Shepard?

  So what name do you want to go by? You can give me a name. I'm gonna go Sarah.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 32:55Dax Shepard?

  Sounds great.

• 32:56Speaker 05

  A lot of good Sarahs.

• 32:57Dax Shepard?

  Sarah's a pretty solid name. I mean, there's gotta be a science to it, really. Like, the kind of name that appeals to parents are gonna be certain kinds of parents. Like, if you name your son Jagged, you're a type. We've already selected.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 33:08Dax Shepard?

  But Sarah's like, I think you love Sarah's smile.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 33:11Dax Shepard?

  You know, you like some soft rock.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  It's just classic. You can let the person become the name.

• 33:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Sarah Lawrence.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  The other way around, Sarah Lawrence.

• 33:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Okay, Sarah, can you tell us where you're at?

• 33:22Speaker 05

  Yes, I'm in Pittsburgh.

• 33:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  We were just talking about the pit.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, it's so good. I love it.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  It's so hot.

• 33:29Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever been in that hospital?

• 33:31Speaker 05

  I don't know if it's a fictional hospital, but I've been in that area of the city. So I recognize a lot of the exterior shots. So it's pretty authentic.

• 33:40Dax Shepard?

  And for the folks who've not visited Pittsburgh, some of the most beautiful bridges in the country.

• 33:44Speaker 05

  That's right. And if you ever have a chance to come, go to a baseball game. It's one of the most beautiful stadiums. You get to look right over the river, see all the bridges. If the ball gets hit far enough, it goes into the water. It's really beautiful.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  That's fun.

• 33:57Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a wild card story. This could be absolutely anything.

• 34:00Speaker 05

  This story took place last year. My husband and I got married just over a year ago.

• 34:08Dax Shepard?

  Congratulations.

• 34:10Speaker 05

  This occurred about three months into our marriage when we were still, like, very much in that newlywed phase.

• 34:18Dax Shepard?

  How long had you dated before you wed?

• 34:19Speaker 05

  Maybe a year and a half.

• 34:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay, pretty quick, pretty accelerated.

• 34:22Speaker 05

  We're both a little bit older, and so we just kind of knew it was a great fit, and we were in love, and let's do it.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Oh, yay.

• 34:29Speaker 05

  When we got married, I moved into his townhouse. And his townhouse is three floors, you know, kind of narrow. And my husband is a wonderful guy. He's a special education teacher. He's very funny and sweet and patient. And he's also kind of like a techie. He loves gadgets. So if there's like a single-use kitchen item that he can purchase, he will purchase it. And he has four different Alexas through the house. The Alexas have an announcement feature, so I would use it for something like, I'm in the kitchen, he's on the top floor. I'd say, you know, hey, Alexa, make an announcement, dinner is ready. And then it would go ding ding, dinner is ready.

• 35:14Dax Shepard?

  And works as like a P A system?

• 35:16Speaker 05

  Yes. So that's how I used the P A system. My husband used it a very different way from the beginning of our marriage.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  I work from home and if he came home and was ready for sexy times, he would use the P A to make that known throughout the home.

• 35:35Dax Shepard?

  Okay, he'd make a proclamation.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, like flirting. And so on this particular day, I'm working from home. I hear the door close and I hear like the ding ding. And he immediately is going into it. And I would like to say that there were a range of announcements for maybe like 15 minutes. Cause you know, he's coming in, he's making a sandwich, he's taking his work clothes off, you know, all this stuff. And I'm still in my office working. They were a range of more of like this dirty talk. I am not good at dirty talk. Okay. The deep voice of like, I'm gonna stick this in this place. I'm gonna touch you like this.

• 36:16Dax Shepard?

  Very graphic. Where did it start? Give me one example of how it started. Does it start like, you know, announcement, hi baby, I'm home. Like where does it start?

• 36:24Speaker 01

  We texted through the day.

• 36:25Dax Shepard?

  This is a hot relationship.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  You're good. Everyone's getting primed. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, one of the first, you know, I'm gonna lick you from head to foot. Oh, hot. But it was also kind of silly. He has silly ones because he's a very silly person where he'd be like ding ding. And he'd be like, my wife has a beautiful ass and I'm so excited to squeeze it. Sucks.

• 36:48Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. I like.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  After 10, 15 minutes of that dirty talk, we eventually do the things that we've been discussing. And then we're both sitting in the living room, like sitting on the couches and his phone dings. And it's a text from his cousin. Oh, boy. Who says, hey, my parents just.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Called and said that they heard your voice throughout their home, saying the most nasty thing. No. And there is no way that your wife would be okay with you doing this. Like, what the hell is going on?

• 37:41Speaker 07

  No.

• 37:43Dax Shepard?

  How on earth?

• 37:44Speaker 01

  It turns out that my wonderful husband, who is very kind, is also the techie of his family. So when anybody in the family, an older relative, wanted their own Alexa, they would call him and say, hey, could you set this up for me? So basically, without being aware, he had created a network of Alexas in his aunt and uncle's home and his parents' home. Oh, no.

• 38:14Dax Shepard?

  My god.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  And his school classroom.

• 38:18Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Yes, was quite terrifying.

• 38:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this is life ending and career ending all at once.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  Bad. Yes. What I don't understand still to this day is he had made those type of announcements for like the three months that we had been married. So why was it now that we were being actually told about this? When it had clearly been playing everywhere?

• 38:41Dax Shepard?

  Because they're old and confused. They don't know like what's going on. And it finally got too extreme.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  I made him go and immediately disconnect. I was like, I don't care if you're embarrassed. You are going to go to their home right now. You're going to drive over there and you're going to disconnect their Alexas. And then you're going to go around to every other relative that has also had this happening and you are going to do this. But like, he was not embarrassed. Oh, wow. To this day, like, I asked him, I was like, I'm going to be on I'm True Anonymous. Like, do you have anything you want to add because you can't be there? And he was like, I'm not embarrassed. I was getting it and I was getting it with my wife. Uh huh. I'm a parent who knows. Good for him. I kind of agree.

• 39:21Dax Shepard?

  I don't care if my mother or my father here.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Ah, plus, maybe they weren't home. Maybe for three months, yeah, they weren't home.

• 39:30Dax Shepard?

  If I were you, I would have just thought of the very worst thing that was said. And then that would just play on a loop in my head. And then I'd probably move to the second, like, oh, my god, I'm in there heard that. Were you caught in that loop?

• 39:42Speaker 01

  It was so bad that I

• 39:44Speaker 06

  If I wanted to stay a part of this family, I was gonna need to get over this very quickly. And also try to control the narrative. So like what I ended up doing was the first family gathering after this incident was like two days later. I immediately, I went up to like so many groups, like, did you hear what my husband did with the Alexa? Like, did you hear about that? How crazy is that? And I just went face on.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  Okay, you owned it.

• 40:13Speaker 06

  His family is really sweet. Like, they're a wonderful Pittsburgh family. They were great. And they were like, you know what? We wish that we had this in our marriage. Or like, this is what we wish that we were doing. Like, good for you guys. Yeah. So they were sweet and really understanding. The only saving grace to myself was that I never responded to him with any of those messages. Like, I never gave it back that way. And so I felt like I at least didn't expose myself.

• 40:42Dax Shepard?

  Yes, there is a glass half full here. That's a lot to be grateful for.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  Were they implying that it wasn't you? Because they said you would never?

• 40:50Speaker 06

  It was more like, they never thought my husband would intentionally do these things, but was he? Like, just that little question, you know, like, does he know that this is being broadcast?

• 41:01Dax Shepard?

  Like, was he fucking with us?

• 41:03Speaker 01

  That's tough.

• 41:04Dax Shepard?

  Luckily, I guess everyone was always out of the classroom when he was out of the classroom, because that would be a real tough one.

• 41:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm so glad that, like, no janitor or, you know, other after-hours person overheard this. So he also immediately had to disconnect them.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 41:20Speaker 06

  So we moved recently and none of the Alexas made it during the move. I made sure of that.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  Wow, that is funny.

• 41:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's a tall price to pay to have an intercom system.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 41:33Dax Shepard?

  I often think, God, I wish we had an intercom system. In fact, I just bought a cheap version of it. No one adopted to it. So now we just scream. We scream at the top of our lungs.

• 41:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, the thing that got me is I asked him, like, how are you techie and didn't know that all of these were connected? And he was like, oh, you know, actually, at one point, I did know because I intentionally made sure they were connected. And what he would do is he would make an announcement and like fart at the Alexa and then it would play.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  The fart in all of his family's Oh, he's a rascal.

• 42:03Dax Shepard?

  His name Rob Hollis? Are you married?

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Rob doesn't fart, we learned.

• 42:07Dax Shepard?

  Well, he might over the intercom. That might be how he gets it out.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 42:10Dax Shepard?

  That tops for me the embarrassment level of what Aaron did on the Zoom meeting in AA. So that's pretty mega.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  Well, I'm glad I could share it with you. At least got me here. Thanks for chatting with us.

• 42:22Dax Shepard?

  Lovely meeting you. And please thank your husband, because obviously without his.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  Go get her attitude.

• 42:28Dax Shepard?

  I guess that's what we could call it. Yeah.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  Sure, I will let him know.

• 42:33Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  Bye bye. Hi, Michelle.

• 42:37Speaker 06

  Hi.

• 42:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. We can hear you beautifully. Have you hung a sheet behind yourself?

• 42:42Speaker 06

  It's a large blanket and I feel like I look like I'm in like a hostage video.

• 42:47Dax Shepard?

  I was just thinking if we wanted to change out your wardrobe and your background, it'd be easy to do because we're almost at that green that we use.

• 42:56Speaker 06

  You can tell what my favorite color is.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Green's a great favorite color, geniuses.

• 43:00Dax Shepard?

  That's what they say. Do you know different shades of green? I mean, I only know a couple. Are you an aficionado?

• 43:05Speaker 06

  No.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  I do. Kelly, sage, emerald forest.

• 43:10Speaker 06

  Sea foam.

• 43:11Dax Shepard?

  Sea foam.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Foam, good one.

• 43:13Dax Shepard?

  British racing, green?

• 43:14Speaker 01

  There's a lot.

• 43:15Dax Shepard?

  And where are you, Michelle?

• 43:16Speaker 06

  I'm currently in northeastern Pennsylvania, but I am from eastern North Carolina.

• 43:23Dax Shepard?

  Close to the water?

• 43:24Speaker 06

  Right on the intercoastal waterway.

• 43:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no kidding. Okay, so you have a wild card story. Please lay it out for us.

• 43:30Speaker 06

  The prompt I put on there was tell us a crazy ATV story.

• 43:35Dax Shepard?

  My kind of story.

• 43:36Speaker 06

  I'll just give you a little bit of background. I'm the youngest of five kids and the only girl. Growing up with four older brothers was fun, but we kind of got into a little bit of craziness and probably did some stupid things also. This took place where I grew up in eastern North Carolina. It was in 2005. I was 14, freshman in high school. It was a rainy Saturday in October. My family was all kind of doing our own thing. My oldest brother, Jeff. Was twenty one at the time. He was away at college. My second oldest brother Doug was nineteen. He was upstairs asleep like well beyond noon.

• 44:17Speaker 06

  Comes into the story a little bit later. My brother Greg, he was seventeen. He was taking the SATs that morning. And then my youngest brother Curtis is just a year older than me, so he was fifteen. And him and his best friend Brett were just kind of hanging around the house. And then my parents had actually just left to drive to Durham to go to a Rolling Stones concert.

• 44:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this is brave of them. And I got to ask, because again, in my experience, this was the case. Did they get crazier and crazier in descending order, your brothers?

• 44:47Speaker 06

  No, actually, I think we kind of go the opposite. My oldest brother did the dumbest shit.

• 44:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay. He was a cautionary tale?

• 44:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, so when I told my family that I was doing this, he said, we probably have a lot of stories we could submit. But in talking to my family before doing this, my dad said he recalls saying, probably mostly to my fifteen year old brother, don't do anything that you wouldn't do if we were here. So naturally, not even an hour after my parents left, Curtis and his friend Brett decided that it would be a good idea to take a boating tube and tie it to the back of the four wheeler and pull each other around in the wet grass.

• 45:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, great idea. I stand by this plan. It's a good one.

• 45:31Speaker 06

  The picture that I sent, it's not a juicy picture, but it just kind of lays out the area in our backyard that we called the lower field.

• 45:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, you're right on the water. How beautiful. Yeah, it's a big chunk of lawn. I mean, that's got to be a good acre of just flat grass right there.

• 45:48Speaker 06

  Nice, open area to pull each other around in the wet grass. And they were out there doing that for a little while, just taking turns pulling each other around. And as I remember it, my brother came inside and said, this is so much fun. You gotta come try it. And talking to him, he said that I came outside as they were about to wrap things up and wanted a turn.

• 46:10Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so everyone's pointing the finger at one another. Am I right? These things generally have a really predictable curve, which is like you do the initial idea. And that's quite fun for a minute. And then the dopamine dissipates and you start thinking how we're going to ramp this up a little bit. Certainly putting you on back would be a ramp up of that.

• 46:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, and him and his friend were a fair amount heavier than me, so they probably weren't swinging around quite as much as I was, but I got on and this part of the story I kind of had to get from Curtis, from his point of view, but pulled me up and down the field a couple of times and then he was at the end of the field, like near the water, facing towards the house and he thought, I'll just do one last fast go towards the house. And I think I've heard you say before, Dax, that you never do one last lap or one last ride.

• 47:00Dax Shepard?

  No last run. Someone says last run, pack it in right then. It's already been jinxed.

• 47:05Speaker 06

  He was straight facing towards the house. The tube was kind of off to the right side and he accelerated pretty fast and I slung out to the left and we actually had a boat and a boat trailer parked down in the yard there. So he was looking back at me, realized that the boat trailer was there and slammed on the brakes, but I kept swinging out to the left and I didn't jump off. I was on my stomach, holding on to the tube and I just stayed on and I swung right into the front of the boat trailer.

• 47:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, head first?

• 47:40Speaker 06

  The whole left side of my body.

• 47:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh, no, no, no.

• 47:47Speaker 06

  He immediately jumps off. The tube is popped. I'm unconscious. He's yelling to Brett to go inside and call 911.

• 47:56Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 47:57Dax Shepard?

  Well, hold on. We've learned a lot about your brother in this moment, which is he's a man of integrity. Most young men at that point are gonna try to ride this out without getting in trouble. We're gonna figure out like-

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Really? Even when she's unconscious?

• 48:08Dax Shepard?

  Well, he's not quite there. He's already yelling. Like, his instinct is to get help, which is incredible, I think, for a 15-year-old boy.

• 48:13Speaker 06

  He thought he killed me.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:15Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 48:17Speaker 01

  He's non-responsive.

• 48:18Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 48:19Speaker 06

  There was like a gurgling sound coming from my chest.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 48:23Speaker 06

  He said he did what he probably shouldn't have done and was shaking me to wake me up. He said it felt like forever, but was probably like 10 seconds and I woke up crying eventually. They helped me back up to the house and older brother, nineteen year old, is still upstairs asleep. So they go wake him up.

• 48:41Dax Shepard?

  Just get an adult on the scene.

• 48:43Speaker 06

  Not too long after Greg, who had been taking the SATs, walks into the kitchen to find me sitting in the chair, freaking out, asking if I was gonna die, I don't wanna die, is my heart bleeding? Every time I breathed, I had this gurgling in my chest that was happening. At some point, somebody called my parents. I don't know which brother did that, but they were probably forty-five minutes away.

• 49:13Dax Shepard?

  Boy, it went to hell in a hurry, right?

• 49:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 49:15Dax Shepard?

  The parents are like, Jesus Christ, I barely got out of the drive, what are you idiots?

• 49:19Speaker 06

  My dad made a big U-turn and sped back pretty quickly to meet us at the hospital. So the ambulance arrived. I don't remember a ton about the ambulance ride, except for one very specific thought process I went through about what to do with the gum I had in my mouth.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  Oh, it stayed in there.

• 49:36Speaker 06

  Somehow I didn't choke on my gum. I was like storing it on the roof of my mouth, I guess. I had been chewing gum before the accident.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 49:43Speaker 06

  I was laying in the ambulance and just thinking like, I shouldn't keep chewing this. And I definitely shouldn't swallow it because there's something like happening in there. So I looked at the paramedic and just said, will you take my gum? And stuck my tongue out. He kindly took the gum and threw it away for me and kinda chuckled at me.

• 50:04Dax Shepard?

  Well, having interviewed quite a few paramedics at this point, that's like the nicest job they've probably had all year.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  They're lucky to do that.

• 50:11Speaker 06

  Eventually, make it to the hospital. My parents are able to meet us there, went through the whole workup. And my main injury was a hemo pneumothorax, which is essentially a collapsed lung with blood and air in between the lung and the chest wall.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 50:29Speaker 06

  I got a chest tube placed.

• 50:31Dax Shepard?

  Did you break any ribs?

• 50:32Speaker 06

  I didn't. I was fourteen. I think I was still pretty like bendy. So somehow I didn't break any ribs, just the blunt force caused the lung to pop essentially.

• 50:42Dax Shepard?

  Do they have to inflate it? Do they blow it back up?

• 50:45Speaker 06

  No, so the chest tube goes in, in between your ribs, and then it's attached to a negative pressure suction. And so it takes the air and everything out of the pleural space so the lung can reinflate.

• 51:00Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh, and you're obviously a doctor or nurse.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:04Dax Shepard?

  Even the fact that you said work up, soon as you said work up, I'm like, oh, she works at a hospital.

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Even when she said hemo pneumothorax.

• 51:10Dax Shepard?

  She said it too well.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, she nailed it.

• 51:12Speaker 06

  I'm an orthopedic surgery resident.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 51:15Dax Shepard?

  There we go.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Is it because of this? Aw, meet cute kinda.

• 51:19Speaker 06

  No.

• 51:22Dax Shepard?

  Meet cute with career.

• 51:23Speaker 06

  That was my main injury and the only other thing I had was a cut to my arm.

• 51:29Dax Shepard?

  You got lucky it wasn't head first.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  I know, or that your head didn't bang really hard and you got CTE.

• 51:36Speaker 06

  You're very afraid of CTE.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, I am, I am.

• 51:39Dax Shepard?

  She's her number one fear, tied with mice in her water.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  Ah, rat water bottle.

• 51:43Speaker 06

  I was at the gym yesterday and I saw one of the girls in my class was looking inside of her metal water bottle as if she like saw something. And I was like, oh, oh my God, I wonder if there's something in there. I got a little concerned for her.

• 51:58Dax Shepard?

  We've started a really irrational fear.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  I don't think it's irrational. It's a ratinal.

• 52:05Dax Shepard?

  It's an irrational fear.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Wow, well, that's scary.

• 52:09Dax Shepard?

  Did you have to spend the night or did they let you out pretty quick?

• 52:11Speaker 06

  I had the chest tube for like two and a half days and then they pulled it out. So I was in the hospital for like three days.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Your poor parents, they didn't get to see the stones.

• 52:20Dax Shepard?

  And they missed the Rolling Stones?

• 52:20Speaker 06

  They did, yeah.

• 52:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, what was the punishment for your brother?

• 52:24Speaker 06

  He didn't get officially grounded. He did enough punishment of himself. He was pretty traumatized by it. He told me that afterwards he got really bad eczema from all the stress.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  That's sad.

• 52:37Dax Shepard?

  Quite often you get enough consequence. We don't need to pile on.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:41Dax Shepard?

  How'd all these brothers turn out? How'd the one do on the SAT? Did he do alright?

• 52:45Speaker 06

  He got into college.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  That's what you want.

• 52:47Dax Shepard?

  That's the goal. Are either of your parents doctors?

• 52:50Speaker 06

  My dad's an orthopedic surgeon.

• 52:51Dax Shepard?

  There we go.

• 52:52Speaker 06

  I kind of like to say my fun fact is always that I've never broken a bone, only an organ.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 53:00Speaker 06

  So kind of ironic that now I fix broken bones.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 53:04Speaker 06

  My husband is actually a trauma surgeon and so this story to him is. Like, yeah, I see it every day. It's not that exciting.

• 53:13Speaker 01

  He's always trying to bring you down.

• 53:15Dax Shepard?

  He's made, don't let him make you small. This is a substantial injury for a 14 year old.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  Do you guys watch the pit?

• 53:20Speaker 06

  He has been watching the pit. I've seen a couple of episodes. I come home from work. It's not very relaxing to watch a show that's basically about work. But I've heard it's very accurate. They've probably placed some chest tubes.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I've seen them. I've seen hemo, no more thoraxes, too.

• 53:35Dax Shepard?

  Hemo, no more. What's the thing they're always saying on 16 minutes? Pneumococcal pneumonia.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:41Dax Shepard?

  Hemo, pneumococcal pneumonia.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 53:46Dax Shepard?

  I hate when these great laid plans go awry because I don't want anyone to be discouraged. You get out there and slide around a tube, but you just gotta maybe make sure the area is a little free.

• 53:54Speaker 06

  Recently, they actually got a large amount of snow in coastal North Carolina and my brother sent a video pulling my nieces around on a sled.

• 54:03Dax Shepard?

  Yes, of course.

• 54:06Speaker 06

  We're still doing it. Don't worry.

• 54:07Dax Shepard?

  I like this family.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  The eczema really didn't slow him down.

• 54:10Dax Shepard?

  Well, lovely meeting you. Thank you, Michelle.

• 54:12Speaker 06

  Nice to meet you, too.

• 54:13Dax Shepard?

  All right. Good luck on your residency.

• 54:14Speaker 06

  Thank you. Have a good day.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  I'm so impressed by these doctors.

• 54:20Dax Shepard?

  Yes, surgeon, no less.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a big job.

• 54:24Dax Shepard?

  Of all the medical professionals, which one do you think you'd be most suited for?

• 54:28Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a good question.

• 54:30Dax Shepard?

  Family practice? I mean, isn't that a good pick for you?

• 54:34Speaker 01

  Probably. I can't really see myself in, um...

• 54:39Dax Shepard?

  In surgery or the ER.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Maybe surgery. I'm pretty meticulous.

• 54:45Dax Shepard?

  Okay, you don't mind the open body and all the blood and everything?

• 54:48Speaker 01

  Right, that part's gross.

• 54:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 54:51Speaker 07

  Maybe dentist?

• 54:51Speaker 01

  No, people's teeth, that's gnarly. Look, it's not for me.

• 54:56Dax Shepard?

  We will say mine out loud on the three, two, one, right?

• 54:59Speaker 01

  Three, two, one, surgery. Oh!

• 55:03Dax Shepard?

  Right there.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  Cause drugs.

• 55:05Dax Shepard?

  I know everything about them.

• 55:06Speaker 01

  I thought you were gonna say surgery because you're good at mechanics and it is basically mechanics.

• 55:12Dax Shepard?

  I have been on record saying I can do any surgery if I can see a YouTube video first.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  I was trying to be nice in saying that.

• 55:18Dax Shepard?

  I just thought it would be such an obvious joke that it would be anesthesiologist. And then, of course, they'd be calling me all the time to the room. They'd be like, where is Dr. Shepherd?

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. And you're just high, walking around. I'm gonna be a fashion doctor.

• 55:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Fashion police slash doctor?

• 55:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:35Dax Shepard?

  All right, love you.

• 55:39Speaker 07

  Sing a tune or something, we know a theme song.

• 55:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 55:43Speaker 07

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Ryan Dish. On the fly, Ryan Dish. Enjoy.