College Drop Off: 6 Steps to Navigating Any Major Change Like a Pro | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In today’s episode, you are getting a relatable and hilarious guide to navigating major transitions like a pro. Join me in a real and raw conversation with my friends and colleagues, Amy and Lynne, as we unpack the major mistakes and 6 lessons learned from "horrible" college drop-off experiences (both our own and the ones we had with our kids) and the fear that comes with any major transition in your life. Whether you’ve got kids or not, these 6 lessons apply to you. Everyone is going through some kind of transition right now: back to school, back to work, and dropping out of college. It’s a time of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, and of helping people move into new dorms and apartments and transition to new jobs or a new grade. That means it is the perfect time to learn the 6 lessons I learned (the hard way) about managing big life transitions without losing your sh*t. Listen and Learn: - The RIGHT way to empower someone who is drowning in self-doubt - The #1 thing to say to help anyone move forward with confidence - The 4 words that will help you or your child commit to change - A science-backed "bridging" tool to help any child feeling nervous - The 2 most important qualities you have to let your child borrow from you - Why feeling scared and anxious before a big change is mentally healthy. Xo, Mel In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:55 Hear one mom’s mistake after dropping her child off at college. 04:32 And what this mom did differently for her second child. 08:08 The drop-off experience that I wish I’d done differently. 10:27 Say THIS to your kids to help them ride the wave of emotions. 11:57 What you think you will feel is different from reality and that’s ok. 15:37 The #1 tool you have to let your child borrow from you.. 18:21 Use this preschool trick from psychologists when you leave your kids. 22:50 Remember this the next time you start to overthink. 29:46 Recapping 4 major takeaways. 31:57 A fighter pilot shares how to gain control of your emotions. 33:36 I’ve used this trick often to help others adjust to change in their lives. 35:23 Feeling sad or uncertain about change? Good; you’re normal. #college #newbeginnings #changeyourlife — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:07Mel Robbins?

  Today is a hot on the mic, what do we call this Amy? Jump on the mic. Jump on the mic episode. Yeah, let's jump. Jump on the mic episode. I was downstairs talking with two colleagues and we were talking about, drumroll please.

• 0:23Mel Robbins?

  College drop off. It is the season of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, of dropping people off, helping people move into new jobs, move into school, start a new grade. I guarantee you, either you or somebody that you love is going through a major change right now. They are starting at university and you're about to drop them off. They're going into their senior year of high school. That's what's happening here in the Robbins household with our son Oakley. You've made a new sports team. Wow. And it's game on. Like you actually made the division one. Let's fricking go. Oh no. Have you ever noticed

• 1:05Mel Robbins?

  that about changing? That you can be really excited about something. You can be excited about moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other. You can be excited about the new job. You can be excited about starting to finally date again after a divorce or a breakup. But you're also nervous. And so as we were starting to share stories around the island in the kitchen, there was so much meaty, amazing stuff happening. I'm like, everybody shut up. We're going upstairs. We're turning on the microphones and we're talking about this. And this is an episode and a conversation for you whether or not you have kids. This is an episode and a conversation for you whether or not you have anybody going

• 1:48Mel Robbins?

  back to school or starting a new job because every single one of us has a very difficult time dealing with change. And

• 1:58Mel Robbins?

  Those moments of goodbye are so triggering. And we also get triggered by the people that we love who get triggered by change. And so, let's just start with Lynn, who is sitting right here to my right. And she was the one who started this domino fall by saying that you just dropped off your daughter in college.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  Yes. And, you know, it's heart wrenching every time. I think it's just part of the process. I think it will be this way every year. And I just know that this is part of what's going to happen, right? This is the transition.

• 2:38Mel Robbins?

  Yes. Why is it heart wrenching for you?

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Seeing emotion from either of my children. I had this with my firstborn as well. Dropping him off the first year, he thought he made the biggest mistake, chose the wrong school because he did not know a soul. And it's really scary to leave them in a state of, you know, kind of emotional distress.

• 3:01Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  It is so hard. And I didn't do the right thing the first time around.

• 3:05Mel Robbins?

  What did you do?

• 3:06Speaker 01

  Let me just say.

• 3:07Mel Robbins?

  Let's hear the big mistake. Let it on us.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Oh, everything went wrong because I was so sucked into the emotions that he was feeling that I was crying. I was upset. I was not strong for him at all.

• 3:19Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  I wasn't encouraging him. I was wanting to take him home.

• 3:23Mel Robbins?

  You were in it with him.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  I was so in it with him.

• 3:25Mel Robbins?

  I get that.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  And I think I learned that I am an empath, so I take on the emotions of other people. I mean, a dog trainer told me once that I was, you know, the weak link. So, it's true. I was then the weak link because anytime anybody else was suffering, or upset, or I thought I was putting somebody into this uncomfortable place, I just fell apart and I had to save them. And I was robbing them of the opportunity to rise up and deal with change because we all have to learn how to do that.

• 3:58Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  So, as I, you know, went through this with my son and now with my daughter, although they're two different people, I know that the best thing to do for them is to encourage and to just remember and remind them of the skills they have to rise up, to be able to handle anything, you know, and it makes them stronger adults.

• 4:18Mel Robbins?

  So, what did you do differently? Dropping off your daughter the last couple of days that you screwed up with your son at that first drop off.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that's clear. Dropping off my daughter, even though she was still emotional and loves her school, like really excited to get back, but it's a new living situation, surrounded by new people. What I did differently is I don't show my emotion, even though she's emotional, I just, something just has to turn off in my brain and let her be emotional, understand that this is her transition, and I reminded her.

• 4:57Mel Robbins?

  Sounds like you're being a cold bitch.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:59Mel Robbins?

  You're literally like on flipping off the weak link with the dog trainer empath mode.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yes. But you know, I will say this, if you don't mind, just to pause on that story, because that's what my mom did to me when I went for my year, quote unquote, abroad. I went to Hawaii for a semester and I was leaving, I will never forget this, I was getting on the plane by myself. How old are you, like 18, 19 years old, right? And I was so scared, I could almost feel like my voice trembling now, I can really get in touch with how afraid I was. And I remember I looked at my mom and I said, well, I can always come back if it doesn't work out, right? You know my mom, she said, no. She said, you can't come back.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  What?

• 5:45Speaker 02

  You better make this work out. Let me tell you, though.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  That's the best thing.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Are you kidding me? It is the best thing.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  It is the best thing.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  It was the best thing, because if she had said, yeah, give me a call if in five days it doesn't work out, give me a call if your stomach is out of control with anxiety, give me a call if you find yourself in the psychiatrist's office, all of which happened, right? If she would have said that, I would have given her a call and I wouldn't have given it a go.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  Right? I would have kept looking back to my mom to see, is it time to go home yet? Can I be done now? This is so hard. And instead, I looked forward at all the new people I was gonna meet, my roommates and all that stuff.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  And I was able to look forward and it was cold hearted.

• 6:36Mel Robbins?

  I have a story just like yours, Amy, where I would call my mother collect from a payphone every single day from the first floor of Russell Sage dormitory at Dartmouth College, sobbing.

• 6:49Mel Robbins?

  I don't have any friends. And I was miserable.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Right, but you do need that. You do. Dropping my daughter off the first year, she said, I made a mistake. Can I come home? And I said, no, definitely not. And she said, what about after the first semester? And I said, no, definitely not. And she's, you know, I said, you have to make it go of it for a whole year. You have to give it your all. You've spent a whole year choosing this school and you won't know. You won't know until a year to, you know, to experience everything. And that's what she needed to hear.

• 7:21Mel Robbins?

  What are you thinking about now? I, I, I, I literally probably look like I'm going number two. I have such a stunned look on my face. I'm realizing I needed this conversation and I'll tell you why. Um, I hate feeling people in distress. And I remember when we dropped off our oldest Sawyer and she manages her discomfort around transitions by making lists and organizing. She was packed, color coordinated, had reached out to roommates to pick out the bedspread. She had mason jars selected for all of the office supplies she would never use. All lined up.

• 8:06Mel Robbins?

  And I remember pulling into Boston College and she just froze. And we set up her room and she was completely disassociated. You could tell she had left her body. She was having an out of body experience. I remember this moment where she was sitting up on her bed and we of course had to buy the little stands that lift up the bed to put the dressers underneath it. And so she's sitting there, she looked like a little kid because her feet were dangling on top of this big bed that we had lifted up with the things from Bed Bath & Beyond. And, oh my God. And I said to her,

• 8:44Mel Robbins?

  Are you okay? And she said, no, I think I made a mistake. I don't think I can do this. This doesn't feel right. And I said, well, why? Do you want to go do something? Instead of saying, no, we've moved you in. It's time to face it. And so we drove into Boston and we walked around the Container Store and a Target. And we had the world's worst early dinner, trying to kill time. As you could tell that she just didn't want to go back. And it was a major mistake. And I remember we dropped off Kendall at USC. Again, I love what you just said about the fact, if you spend a year picking this place, you have to give it a year. I think that's a good barometer for a job, too.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or for a grade school. Like, if you spent a year working up to this next grade, give it a year.

• 9:33Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 9:33Speaker 02

  Before you think like, oh, this, you know, like, I'm still afraid I'm not going to make this happen.

• 9:38Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  You spent a year.

• 9:39Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  I love that.

• 9:40Mel Robbins?

  And I remember how hard it was for Kendall to get into this program. I've talked about it on this podcast. It was like winning American Idol and Division One recruiting to get into this pop music major program at USC. It's all she wanted to do. This was her dream. We got out there. She was a blubbering mess, sobbing, like, just clinging to you when you were saying goodbye. And we're like, we gotta go. We're actually flying out, we gotta go. And then, of course, I get upset. And I do think getting sucked into their nervousness, which is normal, is destabilizing for them when you're not strong through it. And one of the things that I wanted to share with you guys immediately is steal this.

• 10:24Mel Robbins?

  All three of us have one major takeaway from this. And it's that one of the things that you can say to somebody is, of course, you're upset. This is your process for going through change.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:36Mel Robbins?

  You always do this. You always think and get so excited and then you get there and you don't like it. This shows me that you're mentally well. This shows me that you're going through your process. This makes me feel good that you're sad, even though you thought you'd be excited because This is what you always do before any major change that turns out great. And so you gotta ride the wave because this is part of your process. Don't expect it to be exciting. And I think that's part of why these changes are so hard for people because you literally build them up. Like sophomore year, junior year, life after college is gonna be freaking awesome. I'm moving to New York City. I'm doing this, I'm doing that.

• 11:17Mel Robbins?

  And then this thing that you've just built up in your mind is coming at you and you go, this doesn't feel like I thought it was gonna feel. No. At all. And then you freak out. Why? Because it's new. That's why it doesn't feel like what you thought it would feel. What you think it's gonna feel like in your mind is very different than how your body experiences it as it's happening. And I need this conversation, and I realize it, because one week from today, our daughter is moving back to Los Angeles to start life after college. And just yesterday, I was saying goodbye to seven of her best friends from USC who had come from her birthday weekend.

• 12:00Mel Robbins?

  And they were all getting teary eyed because some are going in one direction, others are going in the other direction. And I remember that moment so well from my own life, when everybody scatters and you go to yourself, things are never gonna be the same again. Because we're never gonna be in the same place again. At the same time, living all together. And my life is moving forward whether I want it to or not. And so Chris is flying out a week from today to help Kendall move into her first big girl apartment and start life. And Sawyer is leaving in 22 days for this trip she's been saving for, for five years

• 12:45Mel Robbins?

  to go travel in Asia alone.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  And you know what she's doing right now? She's making lists. She's not buying mason jars. No. Because you can't take them in her backpack. But lists, you gotta embrace the lists, everybody. Lists and lists and lists and lists. Why? That's her process. Yes. And you want to know what else I know? What do you think is going to happen? When she lands in the very first country that she arrives in? On the trip she has dreamt about taking for a decade. Does she reach out to you? Oh. She made a mistake. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. This happened with your daughter? Yeah, absolutely. When she took her gap year. Yeah, she took her gap year and she was in Spain. She was in Malaga. We all went over, our whole family went there to drop her off. She was ready as could be.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  But when there comes that time when you say goodbye to the old and you're ready to face the new, right? Mm-hmm. You're in the terror barrier. You're like, I can't do this. What am I gonna do? So, and, and I felt like I was like Lynn about to get swept up. Because we dropped her off early in the morning. But it was, uh, it was a Sunday morning. So, everybody was out partying the night before. And there were people, you know, still drunk in the, on the streets of Malaga. And she walked us to our, our cab. And we were just like, we're leaving her here? Yeah, you feel like the worst mom in the world, right? Right. You do. You feel like you're deserting your child. And she felt like, I can't do this, mom. I'm gonna get emotional. Uh.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  Because here's why. Because I realized in that moment, I have to believe in her more than she believes in herself. And she has to borrow that from me. Yeah. Or someone else. I mean, what a beautiful thing as a parent that we can say, yes, you can. Mm-hmm. Not in a mean way, not in a judgy way, not in a shamy way. But just like, yes, you can. You will triumph. Yes. You will look back at this and say, Isn't that so funny?

• 14:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, that's amazing because it's true. They just need you to be confident not sucked into the emotion.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  And just be OK with the emotion like that. We're not OK when we see somebody upset, right? That's hard.

• 15:03Speaker 02

  Right.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  But you know, on the other side of that, if you encourage, they are going to triumph.

• 15:09Speaker 02

  They are.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  They are.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  In their own way.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  And then they move up that ladder of life.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  And they like do four months in Spain and then the next thing you know, like they're doing something else really awesome.

• 15:20Mel Robbins?

  I think this is a great time to take a quick pause. Well, because I'm still like jaw on the floor about what you said. And I want to unpack that when we come back. So stay with us.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I got to get a Kleenex.

• 15:32Mel Robbins?

  And noodles at the door. We'll be right back.

• 15:43Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and I'm here with my two friends and colleagues, Amy and Lynn. And we are all moms with kids that are college age and post-college age and high school seniors and high school freshmen.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  High school freshmen, yeah.

• 15:57Mel Robbins?

  And we are talking about what it's like to help somebody you love go through a major change. And of course, it's drop-off season. It's new job season. It's start life after college season. And you probably either have somebody in your household that is either going into a new grade or getting dropped off at a school or getting moved into their big person apartment for their big first job. And those moments of goodbye are so triggering because, well, first of all, I think we all agree, we can't stand to see people that we love in pain. And for me personally and selfishly, I don't know about you two, but it always reminds

• 16:42Mel Robbins?

  me of those moments when I had to say goodbye to my parents.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:47Mel Robbins?

  Right? Absolutely. And it makes me re-experience that terror that you can feel when suddenly the people that you love walk out the door and there you are alone in your apartment or in your dorm room and you're in this new life. Or I even remember when I was in nursery school. I literally remember being in nursery school and my mom leaving. I remember that too. You do? It was traumatic. Very traumatic. Yep. Yeah. Now, every young mom listening right now is like, we've just scarred her for life. Well, maybe we show them a better way to do it, though. You know, like, I mean, if we, what if you could prep the kid and say, you know, like, you can do this and I know that this is going to be hard,

• 17:33Mel Robbins?

  but use that bridge, right? Like, when I see you again, you are going to have been to preschool for the first time. Isn't that exciting? That is a huge takeaway. So I want to make sure we take a highlighter and highlight it. Amy's sharing a technique that tons of psychologists and researchers talk about, which is creating a bridge between this moment and something in the future. And they always say that when you drop a little one off at a daycare or school, you build that bridge and are like, I'm going to see you tonight. I'll be here to pick you up. You're going to have a great day playing with your friends and I'm going to come back and then we're going to do this. And the same thing, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. I'll see you in a couple of months when I come visit.

• 18:17Mel Robbins?

  I'll see you in a, in a week or so. And so creating a bridge is a wonderful way to provide that emotional stability. I also want to take a minute and highlight two things. Lynn was talking about this ability that she's created, right? When she dropped her daughter off this year, to switch gears and to feel that pull like, oh, my God, I'm going in, I'm going to the tidal wave. And then flip into a mode of strength. And Amy, I keep thinking about what you said, which is the way that you show up in those moments

• 18:57Mel Robbins?

  allows the people that you love to borrow your belief in them. Yeah, I love that.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  That is so cool.

• 19:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, it's so important. I know I really needed that when I was little and I don't know that I got it all the time. And I know when I did receive it, I did so much better, you know? I really was able to ground myself in the understanding that I could do it, rather than panic about not being able to do it. So I think borrowing confidence from other people is, is a life skill. Because you're not only managing other people through change, you have to learn how to manage yourself through change, right? You have to learn how to manage yourself through even just the day to day stuff, all these little things and big things.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  How can I do this? And if you're overwhelmed, it's gonna be a lot harder. But if you have even just a sliver of confidence, you know, even just like a little light through the crack of that disbelief that you have, there's a light of confidence like, well, I handled something like this before. I did freshman year, maybe sophomore year I could do, right? Like I did nursery school, first grade's gonna be a little bit better, maybe. If you can get that confidence somehow, either from somebody else or something that you've done in the past, I don't know. That's how I manage myself and that's, I think, what I'm teaching my kids.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  I had never thought about it that way. Like that the role in that moment of drop off is to act in a way where you're exuding confidence in their ability. Yeah, you acknowledge this is gonna be really hard. And you're right, junior doesn't feel like sophomore year did. And you're not living with the same people. And, you know, the same people aren't on campus and people have graduated. So it's not gonna be exactly the same, but it could be even better. And this is gonna be hard and I believe in you. And I believe when I see you again, you're gonna be doing great. And I love you and I miss you. And then look them in the eye.

• 21:05Mel Robbins?

  Give them a big old hug and kiss, then turn around and pretend you actually feel all those things as you walk away. Right? You've got to walk away without sobbing and running back for that hug like I always do. Do not do that move.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  Yes, no, that's, that's.

• 21:18Mel Robbins?

  Kiss of death.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:19Mel Robbins?

  Kiss of death. Well, I want to turn to you, Lynn. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but you're doing this for yourself because you left a job where you were for 10 years, very successful, and you are brand new to our team. And you're here in Vermont at our, the first offsite that we've had where you've been on the team. How are you coaching yourself through a big transition? Because, you know, we've been talking about being that confidence for someone else. How are you doing it for yourself? Because you don't even look slightly nervous.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  Well, you know, I think I am, because you always wonder, right? That little voice in your head that will say, am I the right person? Is this the right opportunity? But I just don't give myself permission to listen to that voice. I don't. I just know that I've been capable before of transition. I am not afraid of change, even though it's uncomfortable. I know I can do it. So I just keep telling myself that. And it's interesting you ask, because I mentioned to my daughter this morning, I'm going through all these things too. You know, even as upset as you are, I know this is going to be perfect. Like you loved last year, right? And I didn't even know if she would get emotional this year. I was kind of hoping I'd escape it. But, you know, I didn't.

• 22:40Mel Robbins?

  More practice for you, Lynn.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, but it's, you know, it's perfect because now I have something I can say to her that, you know, I'm going through all this too. I don't know if the team's going to like me, or if I'm going to be the right person for this job, but I'm going for it. And I'm just telling myself that I know I can do it, just the way you can. And you are going to thrive this year. And she feels so confident, I know, just in the responses that I get from her, that that gives her that, that little boost of confidence that she doesn't quite yet have for herself. But over college. Transitions, job transitions, every transition, if we as the parents can do that for them, to just, like you said, you know, be that, that voice, giving them that confidence that,

• 23:26Speaker 01

  you know, maybe they just need that little push. Eventually, they'll do it for themselves.

• 23:29Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  You know, and they won't need us. And then they'll be doing it for their kids.

• 23:33Mel Robbins?

  I think one of the reasons why I've always been so triggered in these goodbye moments is because I left home at 18 and I never moved back.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 23:44Mel Robbins?

  I left Michigan to go to Dartmouth. And it's not like I can drive home for a weekend. And so I would only see my parents on the big holidays. And then I stayed on the East Coast for jobs and for internships. And so I think part of what I carry into these transitional moments, like I am thanking God I'm not the one moving Kendall in, because these stir up so much for me, like, am I ever going to see you again? Does this mean you're going to live in LA forever? And I know intellectually, I just want you to live wherever you are happy.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 24:27Mel Robbins?

  As much as I want you to be my next door neighbor, which I would love, and I'd love to be in a business with my kids, I'd love to see them every day, I can't lay that on them. And so it brings up so much for me when Sawyer goes and travels, in the back of my mind, it will be, oh, God, are you going to meet somebody as you're traveling? Are you going to live in Asia? Are you going to be so far away? Because I miss my parents terribly. Like, one of the things that I hate the most about having raised our kids in Boston is that my parents weren't around, because they're still in Michigan. And so I think that's also part of what makes it so difficult for me. And I love

• 25:08Mel Robbins?

  What you two are sharing, because it's given me a new way, other than shove down the trauma, don't, don't, don't let your shit get on their shit. It's given me a different way to think about it. That you, as a friend, as a family member, as a parent, as a partner, you have the ability to display confidence on someone's behalf.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:34Mel Robbins?

  And that allows them to borrow it. Now, I always then sob in the car.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  That's a good way. You know what I'm saying? Or in the airplane seat.

• 25:41Mel Robbins?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Or whatever. Power mom move. Yeah.

• 25:45Mel Robbins?

  But that was really helpful. Thank you.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:49Mel Robbins?

  Thank you.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely. So how would you then deal with that? If you had to take Chris's place and move Kendall in, do you think you'd be able to do something different? Or you think that it would be hard? Or, because I'm sure there are a lot of people that are feeling like, how actually does this look? How could I, how could I jump into that role?

• 26:09Mel Robbins?

  It's a great question. And I'm going to hit pause. We're going to hear a word from our sponsors.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Great.

• 26:15Mel Robbins?

  And that'll give me time to stall and think about a really good answer when we come back.

• 26:20Speaker 02

  Awesome.

• 26:28Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm here with my friends and colleagues, Lynn and Amy, and we are talking about just going through these seasons of change. It's a huge drop off, back to school, new job kind of season as we're recording this right now. But this is a topic that is pertinent any moment in your life. And I didn't realize how deep this was going to go. Because I thought we were just going to talk about tips for college drop off.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or back to school anxiety. And now I'm like, I never

• 26:59Mel Robbins?

  Went home after I went to college, stirring up all this shit about not living close to my parents and I mess up. And you just asked me, would I handle it differently? First, I have a confession. I secretly hope Kendall doesn't end up in LA. And I notice I'm a bit of an asshole. Anytime she does any kind of griping about the LA scene, I'm like, yeah, you know, you really are just like an East Coast person. And I realize that I am doing this because I desperately want her to move back to the East Coast.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  You're allowed to do that, I think.

• 27:37Mel Robbins?

  Yes. And she was saying that, you know, when her friends said goodbye this weekend, they were here for her birthday and a bunch of them are moving to New York. She got really sad and was like, I wish I was going to be in New York with all of them. And I'm like, eventually you will. You could live in LA for a year and then, you know, move back. So I'm being an asshole because I'm starting to plant that stuff. So I gotta stop doing that. I could absolutely have a ball moving her in. I would get very teary when I said goodbye. And I think part of it is because instead of holding the confidence that this is going to be one of the best years of your life, and you're about to do the thing that you've been wanting to do forever, and I can't wait to see what you produce this year

• 28:19Mel Robbins?

  in terms of your music career, I think about like, all the shit that impacts me. God, I'm getting older. Wow, these kids are, you know, sprouting their wings. Wow, like, time's flying. I start going there and get very self-reflective. And I'm going to use what we've talked about today to stay in the space because I have a choice. I don't have to torture myself. I don't have to make everything so deep. That's what Kendall always says me. Not everything's that deep, Mom. You know, just because you're moving me into an apartment, doesn't mean you need to get that deep. You could just stand in confidence and go, go get them. Good luck paying your bills because this is it. This is the moment we've been waiting for.

• 29:05Mel Robbins?

  And I think what you both have said, flip the switch, know your role in that moment.

• 29:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:10Mel Robbins?

  Don't let it get too deep, be confident about what's about to happen for them and exude it so that they can borrow it from you.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 29:20Mel Robbins?

  That fucking helps me. Thank you. Does anything else come up for you guys in terms of those moments? And then I'm going to share one story quickly that is super important that I think everyone will get a lot of value out of.

• 29:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I just think that, you know, what you just said is great and like you might get emotional, but that's okay. You can get emotional with them and tell them you've got this, like this is what you want and really ask them questions because maybe she does want to go to New York, but maybe she doesn't, right? Oh, she does. She talks about. She does want to go.

• 29:52Mel Robbins?

  Come on, come on, come on.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  But I think, you know, it's like we, that would be music to your ears if she wanted to change her mind, but you don't want her to give up on her dream either. So it's like really being the voice to ask those probing questions even when we might want something, you know, and it's really up to us to say, what would your path look like? And just make sure that they are making the decision not to please us because I could get really comfortable with that. Like I could totally lead that.

• 30:23Mel Robbins?

  You're okay with causing that much guilt trip for people, right?

• 30:25Speaker 01

  I could, I could. But would I be serving my kids and their futures? No, I wouldn't. So, yeah.

• 30:33Mel Robbins?

  You know what else this makes me think of is those phone calls I got from our daughters when they were first at school, sitting alone, crying. And I'll tell you what really helped is this idea of narrowing their focus. Acknowledge that it's hard. Say you're not the only one, but you got to narrow their focus. Let me tell you what I mean by that. My friend Carrie Lorenz, who's the first female F-14 fighter pilot, wrote a book called Span of Control. And in an emergency situation, there are only three dials that matter in a fighter jet. That's it. And you got to narrow your focus so that you can gain control. Where if you're like overwhelmed by something, it's super important that you narrow your

• 31:14Mel Robbins?

  Focus. And so if you are gonna get that teary phone call, I don't think I can do this. Somebody's crying from the bathroom stall at a new job. Or, you know, after a big sports practice at a new team that one of your kids has made, they're like really upset, narrow their focus. What can you do in the next hour? What's one thing that you could do? What could you focus on? Because part of what happens, I think, in these moments of change, whether you're at a new job or you're sitting in your dorm room alone, is you're like, I don't know what to do. I'm in a new neighborhood, what do I do? I feel like a dork, I feel like the only one. I don't know anybody at work, I don't know what people are talking about. You have to get out of your office, you have to get out of your cubicle, you have to get out of your room, and you have to force yourself to start walking around and talking to people.

• 31:59Mel Robbins?

  That'll make you feel better. It's the same thing when we moved here. Like, I wasn't gonna meet anybody if I sat in my house and cried. I had to get to the coffee shop. I had to push myself out of that freeze mode and through my discomfort and keep reminding myself, Mel, this feeling is normal. You're going through a big change. It's gonna pass, but bitch, you gotta do something about it. Like, you want friends? You get your butt out there. And the same is true with you, and the same is true with the people you love. Another thing that's really helpful is that if somebody is overwhelmed by going through change, a lot of times the response to it is to freeze. As you've been learning in a lot of episodes,

• 32:40Mel Robbins?

  freezing and procrastinating is a kind of anxiety or even a trauma response to something very overwhelming. And change is always overwhelming. It's just part of the duality of it. We were learning this today. Is coach the people in your life to put some things in their calendar. Take a look at what's going on this week. What could you plan to do? Who could you reach out to? At, you know, that you've met in the DMs and set up a lunch. Who could you ask to go to the cafeteria with you? Those sort of breadcrumbing of dates with people or things to do or sign up for this event so that when you-

• 33:24Mel Robbins?

  You look at your calendar, you see forward motion. I got a call from a gal that I consider to be like one of my daughters. You know who you are. And she had pulled over on the side of a road and was calling me because she was having a panic attack. And I asked her, okay, well, tell me, first of all, tell me, what do you see around you? So I used that grounding technique where you go, tell me one thing that you can see. Tell me, you know, something that you can hear right now. And then we started breathing together and I told her to put her hand on her heart. And so we like helped her drop into the moment and really ground into her body. And the dogs are barking right now.

• 34:04Mel Robbins?

  It's okay, we're gonna just keep on rolling because this is one of those hot on the mic kind of episodes. And we started talking and she was explaining all the stuff that was going on. She had just graduated, the job that she was starting had been delayed. The family has just moved, mom has a big job, her grandfather's sick. And what I said to her was this, I said, you know, the fact that you're upset and kind of panicking right now tells me that you're mentally healthy. Because anybody going through this level of change and that much transition, you should feel completely turned around. And so the fact that this is bothering you tells me you're well. Yeah.

• 34:45Mel Robbins?

  And I also want to remind you that it's temporary. And the most important thing that you could do is to remind yourself this is temporary. The fact that I'm bothered by all of this change and I'm upset about it and I feel out of sorts is a sign that I'm doing well. Because I should feel out of sorts, I'm in a new environment, there's a lot of change going on. And the same is true when you move back to school or you start a new grade or you start that new job. It's a sign that you're mentally well if you're turned upside down, because everything is new. And your body needs time to process the new environment and the new rhythm and the new people around you and the new space that you're living or working in and the new

• 35:28Mel Robbins?

  commute and the new everything. And it's really a good sign that even though you're excited, you're nervous and you feel activated. That's because there's so much new stuff for you to learn and absorb right now. And so if you can remind yourself that it's temporary and if you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that the fact that I'm upset about this change doesn't mean that it's going to be bad. It just means I'm going through change. This is my process. And I want to personally say to you two, thank you, because I am not dropping off Kendall, but metaphorically, I'm gonna think when I say goodbye to her on Sunday night and she and Chris drive down. I'm gonna put my hands on her beautiful cheeks and I'm gonna

• 36:12Mel Robbins?

  look her straight in the eye and I'm gonna say, I know that this is gonna be hard, but it's only gonna be hard for a little bit. And I believe in you. And remember, this is how you do change. It sucks for two weeks. Just get into a good rhythm and before you know it, you're gonna be better than you ever imagined. I love you. Go get 'em. And then I'm gonna turn around, I'm gonna pull my shoulders back and I'm gonna stomp away from her like I meant it, because I do. And as soon as I turn the cornel, I will collapse and one of the dogs will start crying because she's leaving. Sounds right. That sounds right. And that's how we do change here on the Mel Robbins Podcast. That's right. I love it. Like some fucking powerful bitches. That's how we do it. Fantastic.

• 36:57Mel Robbins?

  My biggest takeaway today is just this idea of being a surrogate of confidence for somebody else. Just because somebody that you love is upset, you don't have to cry with them. In fact, it's better if you just acknowledge that this is hard and then say, now pull up your big girl panties and get your ass out there and go make some friends. All right. Well, in case no one else tells you, you're mentally well. Because you're nervous. And I love you. And I love you. And I love you. And we believe in you. We believe in your ability to just go through whatever you're going through and know that you've got what it takes to get through it. And we believe

• 37:40Mel Robbins?

  that. So borrow the confidence that you need from us. And we'll talk to you in a few days.

• 37:50Mel Robbins?

  Is this me?

• 37:50Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 37:51Mel Robbins?

  Okay, good.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 37:52Mel Robbins?

  It's me.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  You're done.

• 37:54Mel Robbins?

  Okay. Test, test, test. All right, okay, now we're all talking at the same time. I think we're all at the same levels. All three of us have one major takeaway from this, and it's that... I forgot what the takeaway was. Oh, this is your process. We turn this fucker on, right? Okay, good.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Oh, my God! I was looking a couple of times. Can you imagine?

• 38:13Mel Robbins?

  Fuck, yeah, that's how we do it here. That's how we do it. Okay, and the team just showed up, so... Amazing! They're gonna shit themselves when they hear that we just did another episode. Amazing! Mel, Fant- Lynn! Come on!

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Really?

• 38:26Mel Robbins?

  Come on!

• 38:27Speaker 02

  Great job!

• 38:28Mel Robbins?

  Lynn!

• 38:34Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  Stitcher.