Fraud Friday: The Geriatric Gem Heist w/ Brian Simpson

In this week's Fraud Friday, comedian Brian Simpson (Brian Simpson: Live from the Mothership) joins Laci to discuss how a group of British OG’s successfully stole about $19.4 million from the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit Company. Plus, we learn how a Japanese KFC owner popularized fried chicken as the main dish during Christmas time in Japan. Stay Schemin’! (Originally Released 02/14/2022) CON-gregation, catch Laci's new TV Show, Scam Goddess, now on Freeform and Hulu! Follow on Instagram: Scam Goddess Pod: @scamgoddesspod Laci Mosley: @divalaci Brian Simpson: @bscomedian Research by Kaelyn Brandt. Sources: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9139718/hatton-garden-robbers-where-diamond-wheezers/ https://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/13/world/europe/london-hatton-garden-heist.html https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jan/23/one-last-job-inside-story-of-the-hatton-garden-heist https://www.grunge.com/360175/britains-notorious-great-train-robbery-explained/ https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-35126667 https://www.thejc.com/lifestyle/features/how-we-got-our-hatton-1.66197 https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-53581840 https://www.crimeandinvestigation.co.uk/article/the-hatton-garden-criminals https://blog.gaijinpot.com/the-true-story-of-why-people-in-japan-eat-kfc-at-christmas/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  That sound? That's the National Squash League. Pro teams, the world's best players, and rally so fast you'll forget to breathe. Season four is in full swing, and every match streams free on YouTube. Big hits, bigger rivalries, and a front row seat from wherever you are. Watch every match for free on YouTube. Search National Squash League and hit subscribe or follow live updates on Instagram at NSL.Sport.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps, OnDeck's loans up to $400,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of 5-star TrustPilot reviews, OnDeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes at ondeck.com. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 1:00Laci Mosley?

  What's poppin', congregation? It's your girl, Lacey Mosley, aka Scam Goddess. Welcome to an episode of Fraud Fridays, where we release older episodes from the Scam Goddess vault. That's right. Fraud Fridays is where we bring back your favorite episodes from behind the paywall. Enjoy this episode from behind the paywall, and as always, stay schemin'.

• 1:42Laci Mosley?

  What's poppin', congregation? It's your girl, Lacey Mosley, aka Scam Goddess. And we're back, and back, we're back, guys, with another installment of Scam Goddess. I'm so, what, yes, excited. You guys know, y'all know me, y'all know my heart. I'm very excited for today's guest, I truly am. Guys, we have a king on today, a comedy king. Today, we have an amazing comic. He's been named a new face in 2021 at the prestigious Just for Last Comedy Festival, and he's on the Vultures list of comedians you should know. In twenty twenty one, and I'm also on that list. Check out his hilarious stand up. I had to, I had to, Brian. Check out his hilarious stand up special on Netflix, season three of The Stand Ups Out Right. Neil, and guys, I have watched this episode of The Stand Ups. It is freaking hilarious.

• 2:27Laci Mosley?

  Get into it. Like, get your laughs, get your laughs, get your money's worth before Netflix runs that check up, okay? Congregation, please welcome Brian Simpson to the show. Hi, Brian.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Hey, how are you? I didn't know we were, I didn't know we were list buddies.

• 2:40Laci Mosley?

  Yes, we are.

• 2:41Speaker 03

  It should be called The List of Comics You Should Have Been Had Known.

• 2:44Laci Mosley?

  Right, that's really what it is. Like, you should have been had known. Yes. Wait, and now I gotta look back at the photo and find your face, because it's like they put us all in this, like, amorphous blob.

• 2:55Speaker 03

  Oh, right, right. And then they dropped the, like, four articles a day, separate things, yeah.

• 3:00Laci Mosley?

  Which is interesting, because you could tell some people who were on the list, like, they were like, oh, okay, we've seen these people's work, like, yours, like, your article. But then there were some people on that list where they were like, yeah, this person is on Twitter a lot.

• 3:16Speaker 03

  Right, right, it's crazy. That's what happens when you have people write their own interviews.

• 3:22Laci Mosley?

  I mean, it was twenty twenty one, like, I had to take my photos, like, outside of work. In wardrobe. I was like, can y'all beat my face and do my hair real quick, and then let's go outside, and I'm gonna take a picture in front of the quixote.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Like, it needs to appear natural.

• 3:38Laci Mosley?

  You know, very chill, very, like, yeah. That, that was the biggest bummer about twenty twenty one, was all the great stuff that happened that couldn't be in person, and then you just end up having to do it yourself. Like, you've been doing press for your stand-up show, right?

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:51Laci Mosley?

  And it's all.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  All Zoom. I think maybe two things have been in person. But I don't like people. So, I like, like, I got just for laughs, and they were like, oh, but it's a bummer, you can't go to Canada. I was like, I don't want to go to Canada.

• 4:06Speaker 03

  This is the best just for last I could have possibly gotten.

• 4:09Laci Mosley?

  Canada's like, now, why am I in it? Okay? They got maple, they got saps and whatnot up there.

• 4:16Speaker 03

  It ain't nothing up there that they hear, except Drake.

• 4:20Laci Mosley?

  I once went to Canada, um, and we broke into the Caribana Festival. Cause I didn't know you had to like be a part of the festival to be a part of it. And by that, I mean, like, you know, they have entry places and like people who are on floats and stuff. We thought you just showed up and then you was just in the carnival. We climbed some fences and whatnot.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  Is that, is that, is that when the scam goddess was born?

• 4:45Laci Mosley?

  Oh, no, she was born long before then.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  I just love, I love the concept of a whole podcast about getting over.

• 4:54Laci Mosley?

  Yes, as we all should be, okay, getting over and getting under. Now, Brian, I have to ask you, what's your relationship with scams? Do you like them, hate them? Have you ever been scammed? Do you do any scams that you can talk about?

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, of course. My relationship with scams is simple. It depends on who's getting scammed and why.

• 5:14Laci Mosley?

  Okay.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  You know, cause I'm a big fan of comeuppance. You know, I'm a big fan of people getting what they deserve. So it's like, yeah, like I'm on some Count of Monte Cristo shit. If you, if it's a long, long plot out revenge and the, and the, and they deserve it, or they've been screwing people over and you getting over it, I'm all for it. I'm all for helping you do it, all of that.

• 5:38Laci Mosley?

  All for participating, drawing up the maps. What would be your special skill? If you were like in the Ocean's Eleven situation, like who would you be?

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Oh, man, I would be the getaway driver.

• 5:50Laci Mosley?

  Okay, so you're a good driver?

• 5:51Speaker 03

  No.

• 5:54Speaker 03

  But I'm, I'm on time and I'm reliable.

• 5:57Laci Mosley?

  Okay, come on, punctual, that is not me. You're right. That's a good point. Nobody ever talks about that. When you talk about getaway drivers, it's always about skill. But nobody's ever like, we gotta wait for Craig. He not here yet. He said he in traffic. Ain't nobody trying to be waiting outside the bank with the bags of money like, damn, where is Greg?

• 6:13Speaker 03

  I definitely can't be the guy that's like, has to like do some acrobatic. You know, they gotta like stop before he touched the floor and all. I can't do all of it.

• 6:22Laci Mosley?

  Okay, like the laser work, you ain't climbing through the lasers?

• 6:25Speaker 03

  Nah, I can't do it. My stomach will set it off immediately.

• 6:29Laci Mosley?

  Okay, fair enough, fair enough. You are the on time driver. I was gonna say, maybe I could be a getaway driver, but you're right. Punctuality is a part of that, and that's something that's not in my spirit. And I'm tired of being ashamed for it. It's a real condition. Being tardy. And I think we all need to take it a little more seriously, so.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  You know what the secret is?

• 6:47Laci Mosley?

  What is it?

• 6:48Speaker 03

  For me, anyway, dude, cuz I used to have a real problem with it. Is I just plan, cuz a lot of people, they mess up and they set their clocks early. But no, you should plan on being early. So whenever somebody tell me what time something is, I plan on being there fifteen minutes early.

• 7:05Laci Mosley?

  Oh my god.

• 7:06Speaker 03

  That way, if something go wrong, I'm still on time.

• 7:09Laci Mosley?

  Fifteen minutes?

• 7:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I just, cuz I, you know, I bring a book, I chill.

• 7:14Laci Mosley?

  You bring a book? Oh my god. You live in different.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  I don't be doing nothing at home, except, like, when I'm, when I'm, when I'm running late, I don't be doing nothing at home, except waiting till I gotta leave the house at the last minute.

• 7:27Laci Mosley?

  Okay, see, that, that's true, that's true.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  I would just be there early and just do, do some activity.

• 7:32Laci Mosley?

  That's probably really wise. I should probably start doing that. I bet you have like way more, I, I love frantic energy. I don't know why, but I'm just like, and every time I do it, I'm mad at myself. Like, I'm in the car, speed racing, trying to get to the place. And I'm like, how did I do this? I, I just sat on my couch. Like, I was, I was ready, and then I just found a reason to be late. I don't know, I don't, it's just.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  You know what, you know where I started? Because I lost my license. I lost my license speeding to a show that was only paying me twenty five dollars.

• 8:00Laci Mosley?

  Oh no.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  You know what I'm saying? And the, the, the, the ticket, the ticket was eight hundred dollars, like, all the violations was eight hundred dollars, and the show only paid me twenty five dollars. And I was like, oh nah. From now on, I'm only, I'm only in a hurry for the money.

• 8:13Laci Mosley?

  Right. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's not a good deal. You had, did you go to the show after and, and like rob everybody to make up a difference?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  No, you know what, you know, you know what else? They ain't even, cuz I was late to the show, I didn't even get a spot. I didn't even get to do my spa- this was when I first started comedy. But that from that moment on, I was like, um, if I leave the house, like I say, I have something go wrong and I leave the house and I'm gonna be late. And I'm going somewhere where I ain't getting paid that that much money. I'm I'm not just late.

• 8:38Laci Mosley?

  I love that for you. They're they're lucky you showed up. You know what I mean? Like.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  Right, right. But she was like, you not paying me enough to risk getting a ticket.

• 8:46Laci Mosley?

  No, I I I truly don't know if anybody's ever paid me enough to risk getting a ticket. I have gotten too many tickets. I gave the L A D O T like twelve Gucci bags. I'm at like, like, at least, like.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Oh, you you're you're L A based?

• 8:58Laci Mosley?

  Yes, I'm in Los Angeles. Where you at?

• 9:00Speaker 03

  It was New York.

• 9:00Laci Mosley?

  No, but thank you.

• 9:02Speaker 03

  No, I'm in L A. I'm in L A, though.

• 9:04Laci Mosley?

  Okay, Ben, Ben, where you at? I'm gonna look out my window.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  No, I'm in the poor part of town.

• 9:10Laci Mosley?

  Oh, not the poor part of town. I mean, that's most of L A. It's like, it's a it's a mansion and then your unhoused neighbor right next door is it's a hot mess out here.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  You know what's so funny is you could, everybody that's poor in L A could be middle class somewhere else.

• 9:24Laci Mosley?

  Oh, my God, we could be so middle class. Are you kidding me? I think about Nebraska. Like, I know some people watch porn to get off. But I I'll get on Zillow in middle America. I'm just like, oh, three bedroom.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Every day.

• 9:37Laci Mosley?

  Spanish style. Okay, how much?

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, they'd be like, oh, five hundred dollars a month for a four bedroom house?

• 9:44Laci Mosley?

  Right, with a pool, what?

• 9:47Laci Mosley?

  Meanwhile, out here, I was, I had looked at homes for a second in Los Angeles. I'm gonna go back. I don't know why. It's a huge scam. But they got shacks out here. I'm talking about like, uh, we used to call them like, what is it called? Like gunshot houses, like shotgun houses? And with shotgun houses, uh, if you've never heard that, in the South, it was like, if you could shoot a bullet and shoot straight from the front door to the back door, that's shotgun house. But yeah, like those kind of houses out here in L A will be millions of dollars and it'll be on Zillow like hot home, like there's twenty one people bidding.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  And then they'll be filled up by trendy white people that's like, wow, this is different.

• 10:19Laci Mosley?

  Right. Oh, my goodness. This is we down bad in Los Angeles. It's real bad. Don't move here. We full. The traffic is bad enough, okay? Stay where you at. Enjoy having somewhat cheap rent or mortgages.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you're not, if you're not trying to be in show business, it ain't no reason to live here.

• 10:35Laci Mosley?

  Truly. And then after a while, if if you if you get lucky and you strike it big, you can move away. Especially during the pandemic. We just mailed them in these tapes anyway. You don't have to live in.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  And that's what they do. Most of the rich people don't live here no more.

• 10:47Laci Mosley?

  Smart.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you're just looking for paradise, see people that have never been to California, San Diego is what you think L A is.

• 10:56Laci Mosley?

  True.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  You know, it's palm trees, it's slow pace, weed everywhere.

• 11:00Laci Mosley?

  Weed everywhere, grows like grass, yes. And L A is dirty and oh goodness, it's it's it's hard to look at. But I love it here. I'm here, I'm gonna stay. Where are you from originally, Ryan?

• 11:13Speaker 03

  I'm originally from Peachy County, Maryland.

• 11:14Laci Mosley?

  Okay, you're from Maryland? Okay, so you begin mumbo sauce at the carryout?

• 11:19Speaker 03

  You damn right, I missed them. They're, you know mumbo sauce is in, they sell it in the store now. Joe, like there's like brand names, competing brands of mumbo sauce.

• 11:27Laci Mosley?

  That's wild, that's actually really.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  I remember just hoping it was safe. Now it's now you can buy it in the store.

• 11:33Laci Mosley?

  I remember hoping it was safe, the good old days when they were stirring it up in the back.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Right, and they would talk, they would, they were speaking in Cantonese and like you ain't know, did I just piss her off or?

• 11:43Laci Mosley?

  Right, uh, no, that's the same as like going to the jerk chicken place at the Jamaican spot where they always mad at you when you come to order. That's that's truly the scam. I wanna run a business where my product is so good that I can be rude to all my customers and they'll still come back.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, you you ever been to Dick's Last Resort? That was their whole thing.

• 12:01Laci Mosley?

  Oh right, is they were mean to people and it was like cute.

• 12:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, but they went out a bit, do they, do they have one in L A?

• 12:07Laci Mosley?

  They did, I'm pretty sure they did, it was downtown.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  They be going out a bit as, cause I think people like it as a novelty, but ain't nobody trying to go back.

• 12:16Laci Mosley?

  They can't, can't repeat customers. That's true, that's true. I would probably go once and let people cuss me out, but after that I wouldn't be like, let's go to that place where they cuss you out.

• 12:24Speaker 03

  I think I'll switch it up and have the, have the cuss out like maybe one day a week.

• 12:28Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, like if you really want that, you go on a Thursday and they'll drag you, but every other day it's like normal service.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's one day for masochists and the rest of the week for regular folks.

• 12:38Laci Mosley?

  I love that. I love that somebody's kink is being uh rude, uh being uh treated poorly at a restaurant.

• 12:43Speaker 03

  Right, over chicken wings.

• 12:45Laci Mosley?

  Right, but to get cussed out between apps, love that for them.

• 12:54Speaker 00

  That sound? That's the National Squash League. Pro teams, the world's best players, and rally so fast you'll forget to breathe. Season four is in full swing, and every match streams free on YouTube. Big hits, bigger rivalries, and a front row seat from wherever you are. Watch every match for free on YouTube. Search National Squash League and hit subscribe or follow live updates on Instagram at NSL.Sport.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps, OnDeck's loans up to $400,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of 5-star TrustPilot reviews, OnDeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes at ondeck.com. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 13:54Laci Mosley?

  All right, guys. Let's get into our first segment here. What's hot and fried? This is where we warn our listeners about scams that are popping in the streets. And more often than not these days, y'all know we get a listener letter. As always, snitch on your friends and family at [email protected]. Just make sure the scam is retired, because we don't want to what? Yes, fuck up your bag. Uh, Brian, I need a fake name for this person. We don't care about gender. It could be any name.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  Charles.

• 14:15Laci Mosley?

  Charles, oh, that's classy. Okay, Charles. I feel like Charles owns at least three suits, and he doesn't need to wear them to court, you know?

• 14:22Speaker 03

  Right.

• 14:23Laci Mosley?

  That's good for Charles. So, Charles says, "I have a story that I've wanted to tell you since I first heard of your show." Oh, okay, cool, cool, cool. "This is a one-time scam of convenience my friend pulled, but I witnessed." Okay, so you snitching on your friends. We love that for you and your friend. So it says, "We worked together as strippers many years ago, and one time we traveled out of state to work in a large upscale club on the other side of the country." Okay, fancy. So y'all did a little Zola. Y'all, like, got in the whip and went to strip on location.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, wow, okay.

• 14:51Laci Mosley?

  I love when strippers go strip on location. I feel like that happens, like, All-Star Weekend is a big, like, you know, all the strippers will congregate. Isn't it in Cleveland in 2022? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I have no idea.

• 15:03Laci Mosley?

  Which is like, I've been to Cleveland. There's literally nothing there. So it's like, all of the ratchet community is gonna like, as- assemblate. Yeah, assemblate, is that a word? That's not a word.

• 15:13Speaker 03

  Yeah. But it's like, yeah, that All-Star Weekend, that's like the finals for strippers, right? Like?

• 15:20Laci Mosley?

  Yes, it's their NBA finals. And I'm not calling them the ratchet community. I mean, the people who are going to Cleveland simply for the All-Star game. Uh, but they're all gonna go there. This is gonna be their All-Star game. You know, money guns, money flying everywhere. I remember one All-Star, uh, year, I think Cardi B threw a party with like the Migos and other people. And the strippers were upset because they didn't make as much money as they were supposed to. Cause there was like too many of them.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 15:47Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, and they said people was picking up the money off the floor, which is a big no-no.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  That's foul.

• 15:51Laci Mosley?

  That's foul. And also, a lot of times if you're stripping in a club, like you'll pay in, like for those events, you'll pay in like a fee to come work that night, which I think is wild. And then after that, you make your money based off of tips. But I'm like, mm, I don't like that. I shouldn't have to pay to come.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's wow. That's why, see, I didn't know, I don't know, you got a lot of stripper friends?

• 16:14Laci Mosley?

  Um, do I?

• 16:17Speaker 03

  Or you, or you teach a stripper class or something?

• 16:20Laci Mosley?

  I, I, I teach a pole class. Oh, no, I wish, I wish I had the upper body strength for pole. I've taken a few pole classes, cause that shit looked cute on Instagram. And then I was like, ow, ow, like, nobody would want me on the pole. I would be, I'd be too loud. I'm like, ow, oh, is this working? Ow.

• 16:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, even if you figure it out, it's like, you, you gonna be, it's gonna be sexy for like six months, you gonna fuck up your shoulders.

• 16:41Laci Mosley?

  Not your shoulders. Yeah, no, nobody would want me. I would be the, the stripper limping around complaining. Like, if they had a Dick's Last Resort for strippers, where I could just go and be like, oh, my feet hurt. Like, I think I could do that.

• 16:52Speaker 03

  I wanna open up a strip club for just low effort strippers.

• 16:55Laci Mosley?

  Yes.

• 16:56Speaker 03

  You ain't really gotta do that much. If, if, if you can wiggle a couple muscles. That's all we need up in here.

• 17:03Laci Mosley?

  I could work there. I would walk around, we don't even need a stage. I'll walk around the tables, like, hey, y'all, how y'all doing? Yeah, I'll throw it in a circle. I don't throw the ass in a complete circle. We, we mostly do half moons.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's, that's all, that's all we need. If we can get forty degrees out of you, baby, you can stay on staff.

• 17:21Laci Mosley?

  Forty degrees. Yes. So they go to the fancy strip club, you know, to make a coin. So, one, the club had weirdly advan- they had a weirdly advanced system for buying lap dances. You fed money into a little machine on a small display. You added the time for the dance and then it started counting down. The machine would keep track of how much we made and took out the club's cut. And at the end of the shift, we'd get paid for the dances we'd done. I chose this letter because that was the wildest thing I've ever heard.

• 17:48Speaker 03

  Like hot tech lap dances. Wow.

• 17:50Laci Mosley?

  Like, I don't know if I want to vent a machine lap dance. I thought the whole point was like, you know, I give the money, I throw the money, it's a part of the theatrics. Like now we just put the, we like, meh, C four, uh, twerk.

• 18:04Speaker 03

  I just imagine a stripper getting stuck in the, in the, in the apparatus. You sit there beating on the machine. I didn't get my fucking lap.

• 18:12Laci Mosley?

  Not you gotta shake the machine. Not the strippers are inside the machine.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  Right. Oh, that's so funny.

• 18:19Laci Mosley?

  So, oh, what she got, she got stuck in that little thing. You gotta stick a hand up underneath.

• 18:24Speaker 03

  Really? And the bouncer's standing over your shoulder making sure you don't touch nothing?

• 18:27Laci Mosley?

  Right. I just think that's wild. I don't know. Something about a vending machine for a lap dance just feels very impersonal. Like, I thought it was all about, you know, throwing the money, putting the money in the, in the G string and now.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  And not just that, but it's like, I, I always like, because even though it's like, I know stripper don't like me. You know what I mean? But I still like that. I still like the illusion because of, because of the good strip clubs. You kind of felt like they kind of chose you a little bit. And it's like, now, yeah, they chose me because I look like a simp that's gonna give them a lot of money. But still, I want the illusion to, to, to be undesirable a little bit. I don't want to order a stripper.

• 19:03Laci Mosley?

  And I mean, I guess it's like they still do the whole illusion, but then when you get into the room, they're like, okay, give us the cash. And they're like, meh, meh.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  I'm at it like, uh, this, this is making me think of like, uh, like a strip club, but with the Domino's tracker. It was like, yeah, your stripper's arriving at the club. Okay, she's, she's getting dressed in the back.

• 19:25Laci Mosley?

  Right. She's putting on lotion.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  Right, right. What scent? I mean, you know what? You could probably, you could probably do something with that, though.

• 19:32Laci Mosley?

  I just feel like that's too impersonal. I feel like, you know, I, I, I thought that stripping was more of a, um, you know, interpersonal, like you said, like a, like a, a relationship-based service. So.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  Like, like a single-serving relationship. It's like, you just, just real quick, a little bit of fake love.

• 19:50Laci Mosley?

  A little bit of fake love.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, fake love, real touching. That's what I want.

• 19:54Laci Mosley?

  Sounds like a Drake song, and I love it. So, too, many people, sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly, assume strippers know where to find cocaine. Okay, we've, we've made a departure. We went from the video, uh, the, the machine to cocaine.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  They do the same thing to black people.

• 20:09Laci Mosley?

  Well, explain that.

• 20:11Speaker 03

  If I'm ever in a situation where I'm the only black dude, which is a lot in Los Angeles, people just assume I know where drugs are.

• 20:17Laci Mosley?

  Really?

• 20:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, never heroin, but weed and cocaine, always.

• 20:22Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, okay, I, I wouldn't expect heroin, but I also wouldn't expect cocaine, cause like cocaine is not something that the black, I, I know black people do cocaine, but it's not something that we talk about. Like.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 20:33Laci Mosley?

  Culturally, like, white people would be like, yeah, where's, you party, where's the blah?

• 20:38Speaker 03

  But I, but I think they assume, like, if you the only black dude in this room, that, that is what means you have cocaine. Cause what else are you doing here?

• 20:48Laci Mosley?

  Good point. Solid point. Solid point. If you're the only black person in this room, you must be a cocaine salesman. Because what else, what else would you be doing here? Fair. I'm on their side, bruh? I'm on their side.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm never ma- I'm never mad at the question.

• 21:04Laci Mosley?

  You know, like, why would you think that about me?

• 21:06Speaker 03

  How dare you? No.

• 21:08Laci Mosley?

  You party, bruh? So, my friend and I were working a slow night shift and a well-dressed customer approached her. She asked if he wanted any dances and he said no, but then he asked if she knew where to find party favors, AKA, cocaína. So, this is the word that every idiot and club patron assumes makes them immune to arrest if they're accidentally talking to an undercover cop. The fact that she went, she was struggling to make money, all of this made her like more enticed to this rich douchebag, basically, is what Charles is saying. So, I guess, yeah, if you say party favors, can the cops arrest you? Cause you could've been a hat and a piñata.

• 21:46Speaker 03

  No, they can definitely arrest you if you say party favors.

• 21:49Laci Mosley?

  Really, I was like, I was looking for balloons.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  I mean, I don't know. Actually, I think it really just depends on where you, what state you in.

• 21:56Laci Mosley?

  That just feels like a waste of police money. Like, y'all just sitting around waving for asking for drugs.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  So she's saying her friend assumed that because this dude was looking for cocaine, that he was, that he had a lot of money?

• 22:09Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, they said he dressed really nice. He didn't want to vent the machine lap dance, but he was looking to find cocaine. I think that's very funny to go to a strip club and not be interested in anybody who's working there. Like, you're there strictly to find drugs.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  That's a red flag.

• 22:23Laci Mosley?

  But I guess if I, if I was from out of town and I was like, hmm, I need drugs, that seems like a good place to start.

• 22:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I guess, no, you, no, you right about that. But why wouldn't you ask like the bouncer? Or somebody, why you ask one of the strippers?

• 22:39Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, that's true. That's true. Like, why would you assume? Like, they, they have a job. Points are made. Points are made. So she told him that she had a hookup in the club. She pointed to the bouncer across the room, Brian, so you were right. And said, I can get you some from that guy, but he only sells five hundred dollars worth at a time. And I have to make it look like you're buying dances from me, so management doesn't get suspicious. This is what she told him. He agreed. She took him over to the lap dance booth. That's a lap dance booth. And she fed his five one hundred dollar bills into the machine. She told him, I'll give you a quick dance and then you can go, and then I'll go get your shit. She shimmyed on his lap for like a minute, then got up, put her bra back on and casually walked over to the bouncer.

• 23:19Laci Mosley?

  She pointed at the customer and told the bouncer, that guy keeps harassing me for cocaine and he won't leave me alone and is interrupting my sales.

• 23:28Laci Mosley?

  The bouncer promptly walked over to the man, whose face transferred from hopeful to distressed and was grabbed by the arm and dragged out the front door and told not to come back. So my friend made a quick few bills and a dumb tourist was parted with his drug money. Hope you like this story. Appreciate the hustle. Much love, Charles. Um, I do like this story, Charles.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  I like it a little bit. I felt bad for Charles, but at the same time, it's like when she start putting your money in a machine, you should have put two and two together.

• 23:57Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, cuz that's not how drug sales work.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, you think it's gonna be a receipt for this cocaine? Get your ass.

• 24:04Laci Mosley?

  Thank you, come again.

• 24:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, you was asking for it, Charles. That's one of those dudes that's, that sounds like one of those dudes that's never, he was completely out of his depth. Like, he's never been to like the wrong side of the tracks, never been to like a seedy place. He thought it was just like, so how do you find cocaine in here?

• 24:24Laci Mosley?

  Right, I'm looking party favors. Wink wink, like he saw this in a movie.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, or he read it on Urban Dictionary or something.

• 24:35Laci Mosley?

  What do people say for cocaine? Yeah, he definitely went on Urban Dictionary for this. And also, if I saw my way going into a vending machine, I too would be concerned that I would not be able to procure the drugs that I was soliciting. Also, whoever this uh woman was, or I don't know the gender, so they them non-binary icon, queen, king, whoever this person is who was doing the lap dance. I'm not gonna put all five one hundred dollar bills into the vending machine so the club can take a cut of all five hundred. Like, I put three hundred in there, but I'm gonna put two.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  But they probably, they probably watching those machines like a hawk though.

• 25:09Laci Mosley?

  Oh, yeah, you right.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  If you try to, I mean, cuz every stripper has started taking some of the cash.

• 25:14Laci Mosley?

  Well, as they should, as they should, strip clubs are a scam, you know what I mean?

• 25:19Speaker 03

  Strip clubs are a scam, and I, and I don't go to them anymore.

• 25:22Laci Mosley?

  I can't, I would go when men who were frivolous with their money would want to go, and me and my girlfriends would go, like, you know, after the club or something. And they give us a few stacks, you know, a few thousand, and then I'd be like, some for me, some for y'all.

• 25:37Laci Mosley?

  But that was when I was in college. Nowadays, I, I would throw it all, that's not my money, but in college, you best believe I was gonna skip a little bit off the top.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  The, the last two times I went into, I went to strip clubs with two different people, we left way too late in the morning, probably three, four in the morning. Both times, both people seemed drunk to me. Both times, I was like, are y'all, are you good? And both times, they were like, yeah, and both times, we got in a car accident.

• 26:01Laci Mosley?

  Oh, no, yeah.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I was like, man, what am I doing? I'm too old for this shit. I'm too old to be paying money for an erection. I'll, I'll get a blue chew for that.

• 26:11Laci Mosley?

  Blue chew.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  You know what I'm saying, it's cheaper.

• 26:14Laci Mosley?

  Let me get on Urban Dictionary, blue chew? I know what you're talking about. I know what you're talking about, hilarious. No, but yeah, also it's really, when it's that late at night and people have been drinking and you're probably also now tired, that's a really horrible combination. You should definitely not be whipping it. Call the Uber man, okay? Guys, call the Uber man.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Oh no, this was before Uber.

• 26:32Laci Mosley?

  Oh, this is before Uber? Oh gosh, so that's when you had to call like yellow cabs.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  That's when you had to sleep at the bus stop and wait till the train opened.

• 26:39Laci Mosley?

  Oh lord. Lord Jesus, I've had to wait till a train opened before, but it was in, uh, London and the tube wasn't open. And I was coming out of the club by myself and these nice British men took me home, which is the dumbest thing I've probably ever done in my life. But they were like, no, you're like a little sister. Cause I was like, oh no, I can't go with y'all, cause y'all might try to kill me. And they're like, we would never kill you. You're like a little sister. We love you. And I was like, you know what? I believe y'all.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah, see that's tough.

• 27:07Laci Mosley?

  I was at this club called Fabric and I got kicked out. I lost my friends. I got kicked out and I got kicked out because the bathrooms are gender neutral. So I went into the bathroom and I was just sitting on the toilet, cause I was so tired and I was like, I'm not ready to go yet. And I'm waiting on these little exchange students from Minnesota who were so racist. And I was, yes, I fell asleep and they saw my little feet. They're like, get out of here, you skank. And so they kicked me out and I was like, damn, I gotta get home. So I was waiting by the train and then these two black dudes who I had saw before, because we tried to like scam. This one girl was a little too drunk to go and you know, we're all young. So we're like, oh, we'll just put one arm on my shoulder, one arm on her shoulder and we'll walk you in and they won't know that you're drunk. What are we doing?

• 27:52Laci Mosley?

  So this girl trips me and they're like, oh ma'am, you're too drunk. And London is like so polite. So they're like, oh, you gotta wait in the drunk tank. So there's like a tank outside of this club, like a little roped off area where they put people who are too intoxicated and you just wait it out. And then they'll let you in. It's wild. And I'm sure it's not like that anymore. But so I'm standing in this little drunk tank. I'm by myself. I'm in like two pieces of cloth, like no clothes. And I'm standing outside this thing. I'm cold. I'm very much sober. And these two black guys I walked by and they're like, oh, what are you doing out here? Where are your friends? And I was like, oh, they're inside. They're not really my friends. There's a bunch of racists that I live with in this exchange program. And they're like, no, this is fucked up that they left you out here. We see them. So they like helped me get into the club.

• 28:37Laci Mosley?

  And then they like, we run into one of the people who's like, oh, Lacy, we were wondering where you were. And I was like, you don't know me, don't say you know me. And they're like, is this one of the guys who left you here outside? We're gonna beat him up.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  Oh, that's funny. We'll give him, we'll give him a right slap.

• 28:52Laci Mosley?

  Not a right slap. Right, they were like, woo, woo, shikies timbers.

• 29:01Laci Mosley?

  You know how British people be talking about, right?

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Right, right, like the most mundane shit'll be a serious threat.

• 29:08Laci Mosley?

  Right.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Like, I'll butter your bread.

• 29:10Laci Mosley?

  Right, and you don't even know butter your bread mean he got a forty-five, like.

• 29:14Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 29:15Laci Mosley?

  You're just like, we gonna have tea, bro, this don't sound that medicine. They're like, oh, no, don't, don't mess with him. He be buttering everyone's bread around here, don't mess with him.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, and then you ask him like, wait a minute, why does butter your bread a threat? They'd be like, oh, because bread rhymes with head. And butter rhymes with mother. So it means I'm gonna kill your mother. I'm like, oh, okay.

• 29:34Laci Mosley?

  Oh, okay, cool, cool. Didn't gain, didn't glean all of that from the first time, but thank you for the explanation. But yeah, so they were like, I remember I lost him in the club and the people that I lived with were mad at me because they're like, why'd you say you didn't know us? I was like, because I was trying to keep, I'm getting your asses beat, which I shouldn't have, should have let you get your ass beat. But yeah, so they ran into me afterwards at the train and they're like, we'll take you home and we'll get you some breakfast. And I was like, y'all, I can't go with y'all, y'all gonna kill me. They're like, we would never do that, we would never kill you. And I was like, all right, I believe y'all. Then they took me to breakfast and they drove me home. I lived in the suburbs, they drove me home.

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• 31:11Laci Mosley?

  And we are back. And it's time for my favorite part of the show, Historic Hoodwings. This is where I'm gonna regale Brian with the famous con paper group of Criminal Squad. We don't know yet. Maybe we love them. Maybe we hate them. We'll see. We'll get his opinions all throughout. As you guys can see, Brian's got opinions. Okay, Mr. Simpson has thoughts. And we love that for us. Today, we are talking about the month April, the year 2015. Professional thieves broke into Halton Gardens Safe Deposit Company in London. Oh, hey, we're back in London town. Okay, I like that for us. I didn't even know it was gonna be in London. I'm so sorry, UK listeners, because y'all know this means I'm just about to act the whole ass and do terrible accents the entire time. Y'all are here. So they broke into this safe company in London and made off with $14 million in British pounds,

• 31:57Laci Mosley?

  which is roughly $19.5 million USD, because you know our dollar is weak as fuck. They were called Dad's Army, the Diamond Weasers. That's too long of a name. See, that's how you know this is London. Like, your gang don't need to be like five words. Like, their name is Dad's Army, the Diamond Weasers.

• 32:18Speaker 03

  So they broke into this?

• 32:20Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, so they broke into this safe, and they stole all this money. The old blaggers, or as they are in the French press, le gang du papa.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Le gang du papa? Maybe that sounds like the gang of daddies.

• 32:35Laci Mosley?

  Right.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Daddy gang?

• 32:36Laci Mosley?

  Right, are they sexy? So it translates to the granddads gang. So these dudes must be kinda older, cuz it's giving zaddy, like.

• 32:45Speaker 03

  Okay, alright.

• 32:47Laci Mosley?

  Come on, bank robbers.

• 32:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, we love a, we love a good identity.

• 32:50Laci Mosley?

  Right, so this is what they did to Planet. The Street of Hatton Garden dates back to medieval times as an enclave of commerce for master craftsmen, including warrior monks, Portuguese diamond cutters, and the famed Jewish jewelers. Hatton's Gardens' reputation survives today as the center of London's jewelry trade. So Hatton Garden is still where the girls are getting their bling bling, that's where they go. It continues to be the home of a number of banks, safes, jewelers, making it ripe for the picking. I feel like that's too much, like, I feel like all the balling things shouldn't just be in one area. It feels unwise.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Right, right, but then maybe, ah, yeah, but I think they do it so they can combine their resources.

• 33:29Laci Mosley?

  Oh, their security?

• 33:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, like, we all chip in and have ten people patrolled at this moment, I don't know.

• 33:36Laci Mosley?

  That's true, that's a good point, maybe it is better to have them all instead of isolated. You might, yeah, you might be on to something here. So, planning for the heist began with four men meeting over some pines at the pub in Isling over the course of every Friday night for three years. Okay, so here we go, oh, they are older, they all got, they're like silver foxes. Here they are at the pub, meeting and talking about their robbery over some beers, over some pines. But unlike the pub's other regulars, the men who met there boasted long careers as professional criminals, hungry for more. So, the Mr. Reader, AKA the Master, AKA the Governor, why y'all got so many AKAs?

• 34:16Speaker 03

  And I don't even know, is this the leader, or is this the person that runs the town?

• 34:20Laci Mosley?

  So, Brian Reader was the leader. His name is Brian Reader. Brian Reader was the leader, AKA Mr. Reader, AKA the Master, AKA the Government, AKA the Diamond Boogeyman, AKA, like, what, like, why? Why so many names? Uh, so we have a picture of him right now, uh, looking.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  He looks sleepy as hell.

• 34:40Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, he looks a little exhausted, I don't know if Brian had his insurer before they took this photo.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is, he looks drunk.

• 34:47Laci Mosley?

  I, I'd imagine since they was at the pub, but I also feel like you shouldn't maybe, like, plan a whole heist, like, while drinking beers.

• 34:55Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, cuz you definitely gonna forget some shit. You know, or one of y'all leave, one of y'all leaves the pub too drunk and you gotta sit in that drunk tank.

• 35:02Laci Mosley?

  Right.

• 35:03Speaker 03

  Now everybody else waiting on you.

• 35:05Laci Mosley?

  Now the heist is held up, that's me.

• 35:08Laci Mosley?

  No, Mr. Reader's still in the drunk tank. God, okay, we get away out here with the diamonds. Like, what? Oh, no, nothing worse than doing a heist and then gotta wait for your ride. So.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Also, being the leader of the granddad gang doesn't seem as prestigious as it should.

• 35:22Laci Mosley?

  Really?

• 35:24Speaker 03

  Because I, because I think, thing is, I think it would have been, it would have been cool if they were all like young and they just, they were the granddad gang. But they all really look too old to be doing anything.

• 35:33Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, they all do look like they have grandchildren. Now, listen, I'm not gonna be an ageist. I think that you can do crime up to the day you die. You know what I mean? Y'all follow y'all passions.

• 35:43Speaker 03

  You're right, you're right. What am I saying? What am I saying? Especially, actually, that might be the best time to do crime.

• 35:49Laci Mosley?

  Because you look, who's gonna, like, think it's you?

• 35:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's easier to get away with it. And then even if you get caught, you only gonna be alive for like, it's like the most they can give you was seven to ten.

• 35:58Laci Mosley?

  Right. It's like they could give you a life sentence, but like, how much life is that really?

• 36:03Speaker 03

  Right, exactly.

• 36:04Laci Mosley?

  You're good. Yeah, I, I, I totally think so as well. And also, if I saw, like, Mr. Reader, I wouldn't think he had no jewels in his pocket. At most, I would think maybe he got a peppermint. You know what I mean? Like, it's giving pop off.

• 36:15Speaker 03

  Some butterscotch.

• 36:16Laci Mosley?

  Right, that's what he's giving. So in nineteen eighty-three, a group of armed men in ski masks stole gold, cash jewelry from a Brink's Matt warehouse at the Heathrow Airport. It was Mr. Reader who teamed up with Kent Crime Boss to help launder around forty million dollars in gold. With such an achievement on his resume, at the age of seventy-six, Mr. Reader became the head of the operations and resident diamond expert at the Hatton Garden Heist. So, you know, they were like, well, what, what have you robbed? And he's like, well, I've claimed forty million dollars of gold. Then, okay, he's gonna lead.

• 36:46Speaker 03

  Oh, right, he's a leader.

• 36:48Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, they're like, Frank doesn't know what day it is, but he's very good with a gun. We just have to tell him who to shoot. He'll butter their bread, he'll butter their bread, but he won't know what day it is. So Mr. Perkins is the second in command, the undercover intelligence gatherer. So Mr. Terrence Perkins was the group's unofficial second in command. He, in nineteen eighty-three, spent his thirty-fifth birthday involved in another notorious robbery with a hooded gang with sawed-off shotguns. They stole about seven point five million dollars in cash from London Vols of Security Express, a security company. He was sentenced to twenty-two years in prison. Okay, so see, this isn't as cute because Terrence, you got caught. And we're looking at Terrence right now, and Terrence don't really like, he's like, you don't give a damn, I don't give a fuck.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Right, right, Terrence, look, Terrence look like he don't even give a fuck if, if they, if he get everybody caught.

• 37:36Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, Terrence is giving very much like Cleo energy and set it off. Like, he would just go out being riddled with bullets.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  I bet you, I bet you Mr. Reader had to constantly be like, Clarence, what the fuck are you doing?

• 37:47Laci Mosley?

  Terrence, please, he's like, oh, man, we'll be all right.

• 37:50Speaker 03

  Or, or however they would say, Clarence, you're gonna, you're gonna bugger this whole thing.

• 37:55Laci Mosley?

  Terrence doesn't look like he would bugger the whole thing. Also, why did it take out three years to plan this? Feels too long, like, how often were y'all meeting? Was this bi-weekly, like?

• 38:04Speaker 03

  They had to wait till they all had, till they all synced up. Till they all, their colons and bladder synced up. So they, like, wait till we all got the right amount of fiber, till we all regular.

• 38:15Laci Mosley?

  That's what we all regular, they all drinking it short after the beers.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  Cause the last thing you need is Clarence shitting his pants in the middle of the heist.

• 38:22Laci Mosley?

  I mean, I don't know, these dudes look very virile, you know, some, everybody doesn't age the same. Like, they're giving, like, they're aging, like, the queen in them, you know, where they're just not gonna die.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  This last dude's got to be the enforcer, he look like he don't fuck around at all.

• 38:36Laci Mosley?

  Right, you know, you just see somebody who's definitely seen the life fade out of too many people's eyes. And doesn't even do anything for them anymore, it's death, it's giving murder.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's definitely, he's definitely gotten away with insulting whoever the fuck he wanted to.

• 38:50Laci Mosley?

  Right, you just look at him, you're like, it's not worth it, it's not worth it. You walk away because you know he gonna take your life from you. So, he was sentenced, remember, this is Terrence. He was sentenced to twenty-two years in prison for that seven million dollar heist. He escaped in nineteen ninety-five and wasn't caught again until two thousand twelve, when he was arrested and served the rest of his time for the nineteen eighty-three robbery. Mr. Perkins and Mr. Reader were old friends. They worked together on four robberies over twelve years. See, this is a career. You know, they're like this, they've worked together before, you know, they know each other's resume, you know. These are professional criminals, and I love that for them. But also, like, I just feel like this is too many robberies. Like, y'all couldn't do one good robbery and then just quit? I feel like you can't, like, keep doing robberies.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like, you don't have no retirement plan. Yeah, that's a tough life to live, but I mean, but, I mean, you can say that about legit jobs, too.

• 39:39Laci Mosley?

  Mm-hmm, the economy's crazy.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  Like UFC fighters, like, how long can you do that?

• 39:43Laci Mosley?

  Dancers, ice skaters.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  Dancers, strippers.

• 39:46Laci Mosley?

  Now, you can strip, now, now, if you, if you drinking water and you, you have, you have your B twelve in your college, you can strip for a minute, you know what I mean?

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, you right, I mean, it's levels to the clubs out here, you know what I mean?

• 40:00Laci Mosley?

  I'm just saying, like, the Bernice Burgos who don't look, like, I think that woman is, like, fifty, and she looks, like, twenty-six. So, look up Bernice Burgos, and y'all see, like, that woman, she has a child that's, like, my age, and, like, she looks so young, so I'm like, maybe, you know, some, everybody built different. So, Mr. Perkins and Mr. Reader are old homies. Mr. Perkins also posed as a builder at the safe deposit, or the safety deposit, to gather information prior to the actual heist. So, he was showing up down there, putting on a hard hat, and everyone just assumed he was employed there. And they're like, does anybody know Mr. Perkins? He asks a lot of questions, I was like, yeah, he just walks around with a hammer, and he's like, what's the code to the safe?

• 40:39Speaker 03

  I'm done, I'm telling you, a hard hat and a clipboard would make people not even fucking question you.

• 40:44Laci Mosley?

  Right, especially if you're an older white man. Like, people just assume older white men are employed everywhere, you know, to run it. So, I'm sure that he could just show up and act like he was running things, and everybody's like, okay, makes sense to me.

• 40:55Speaker 03

  An older white man and some dickies?

• 40:58Laci Mosley?

  Oh, can't be stopped, can't be stopped.

• 41:01Speaker 03

  Walk through anything.

• 41:02Laci Mosley?

  So Mr. Jones was the eccentric forensic expert. Danny Jones, fifty-nine, had a criminal record stretching back to nineteen seventy-five and eighty-two. He was convicted of stealing ninety-two thousand British pounds. He was the gang's eccentric. So he's the one who's like, see, when British people say eccentric, I feel like that just means like, cause I try to be, he don't look that eccentric. He looks pretty regular. We truly don't know. Oh, so his friends claimed that he could tell fortunes. He talked to his dog like it was a person and occasionally went to bed wearing his mother's dressing gown with a fez on. Okay, wh- what is a fez? I don't know what a fez is.

• 41:36Speaker 03

  I think that's one of those, um, one of those hats that, uh, it's like burgundy with the little tassel on it.

• 41:42Laci Mosley?

  Stop. I always see people with that, like, and they're on tiny bicycles or something.

• 41:47Speaker 03

  I don't know what they for, though.

• 41:49Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, I don't know what they're for either, but I've seen them. Uh, so then you got Mr. Collins, the lookout. We're getting through all these people so we can get to the actual highlights. Good lord. So John Kenny Collins, seventy-four, he had criminal record stretching back fifty years. Of course he does. You, you can't not have a criminal record. It's a Moroccan hat. That's what a fez is. Um, you can't not have a criminal record to be a part of the granddaddy gang. Though his teammates called him wombat thick, I don't even know what that means. You can't, y'all just be, what is?

• 42:16Speaker 03

  Wombat thick. Maybe that means stupid.

• 42:18Laci Mosley?

  Maybe.

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Like thick in the skull?

• 42:20Laci Mosley?

  Maybe, cause this is, he's determined, he determined that, oh, so they determined that he would best serve as the lookout. He was instrumental in gathering intelligence and purchasing equipment. That being said, while posing as the lookout, he did fall asleep in the getaway van during.

• 42:33Speaker 03

  My god.

• 42:35Laci Mosley?

  Okay, so maybe wombat thick does mean dumb because he did, how you gonna, you have one job.

• 42:41Speaker 03

  For real, my god, how you not awake?

• 42:43Laci Mosley?

  And it very much involves keeping your eyes open. Like, that's, like, it's in the word, look, look out, like, you gotta be looking.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  You ever see, you ever seen the movie, um, Lair Cake?

• 42:53Laci Mosley?

  No, I haven't.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  It's not about this, but there's a dude in there, this, this has nothing to do with the main plot of the movie, but it's a side thing where he flips out and beats the shit out of this. Like, they all sit in breakfast and he sees somebody in the diner and gets up and beats the shit out of him. And then when they, when they leave, his, and his voice is like, what was that about? It was like, and they, and they flashback and, and he did this to that guy. So the dude that got his ass beat fell asleep. He was the getaway driver. He fell asleep and got everybody caught.

• 43:21Laci Mosley?

  How do you even relax during a robbery?

• 43:24Speaker 03

  Like, well, how, yeah, how do you go to sleep, though? You're supposed to have no dose caffeine and some more shit.

• 43:33Laci Mosley?

  Or adrenaline, like you're doing a robbery, like, how does that feel like, nah, I'm just gonna close my, I'm gonna rest my eyes for a second. Literally, all you hear outside is like, boom, boom, boom, go, go, go, you like, sleep?

• 43:44Speaker 03

  And the thing is, if I got to be awake, I got at least forty eight hours in.

• 43:50Laci Mosley?

  Right, if I have to.

• 43:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, and if my freedom is on the line, I probably, I could probably stay up for three days without caffeine. Just on the strength of, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna go to prison.

• 43:59Laci Mosley?

  On vibes, for sure, I think I could stay awake as well, I'm definitely not catmapping during a robbery, like, how much time do you think they were gonna need? Robbers tend to be quick, I feel like you weren't sitting out there for like forty five minutes. So, the heist, after three years of extensive planning and research by the men and help from several lesser involved accomplices, the heist commenced. Uh, on the evening of April second, twenty fifteen, Mr. Reader, Mr. Perkins, Mr. Jones, Mr. Collins, they all pulled up in a white van at the Haddon Gardens Safe Deposit. The Haddon Gardens Safe Deposit held the safety deposit boxes of many jewelers in the area who'd used it as a company vault. So this is where they're putting all the cash, once they've sold all the blood diamonds, so all the money's sitting there. They were greeted by a mysterious man with red hair known at the time only as Basil.

• 44:42Laci Mosley?

  Possibly that stands for Best Alarm Specialist in London.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Oh, off the top!

• 44:47Laci Mosley?

  I'm glad that he shortened his name, because everybody else's nicknames are way too goddamn long. How do y'all call each other in the robbery, you're like, um, the Reader, AKA Fort Knox Johnny Jones Trappings? Like, these names are too long, like, Basil had the right idea, because I don't wanna yell out, Best Alarm Specialist in London!

• 45:04Speaker 03

  So now we up to what, there's five people in the gang?

• 45:06Laci Mosley?

  Yes, so while the men unloaded bags, tools, and two garbage bins from the van, Basil opened up the fire escape door to let them in. Once inside the building, the men disabled the elevator, leaving an "out of order" sign next to it, and sent the elevator to the second floor. I love that they were polite enough to leave, like, "out of order," this is a very British robbery.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Well, I don't wanna get stuck, I don't wanna inconvenience.

• 45:25Laci Mosley?

  So sorry, but you must take the stairs, we're doing a bit of a robbery. So then they shimmy down the elevator shaft to the basement. Now they are, these are older men and they are shimmying down an elevator shaft. So they got that upper body strength popping. Once at the iron gate that protected the vault, they cut the wires of the electrical box to disable it. From there, they drilled, where are the guards?

• 45:46Speaker 03

  Yes, this is the middle of the day?

• 45:49Laci Mosley?

  Right. I'm confused. Maybe it's at night. So from there, they drilled through the vault's wall, which they learned doing, watching YouTube. You can learn anything on YouTube. YouTube got all the crime hacks. So shortly after midnight, so that it is at night, because I was thinking that too. I was like, where are, nobody, okay. So shortly after midnight, the intruder alarm triggered, but the owner of the safety deposit company did not address it as a previous alarm had been recently triggered by an insect. So whoever heard the alarm was like, oh, it's the damn spiders again, and like rolled back over and went to sleep. An hour later, the building's security guard arrived. An hour later, what kind of security do you, this place needed to be robbed?

• 46:25Speaker 03

  So if you don't have security at midnight, but you got security at 1 a.m.

• 46:29Laci Mosley?

  And also like an hour later, I guess they only came because the alarm went off, but they came an hour later. That's how you know you're not paying your security guard enough money. That's how you know. If your security guard wake up like, ah, hell, I gotta go to work.

• 46:45Laci Mosley?

  It's a robbery down there.

• 46:47Speaker 03

  But you know what though, also though, I think, because we creatures of habit, you know, so it's like, after you done done like a hundred shifts and ain't nothing ever happened. And then the one time the alarm go off, it was a fucking insect. You ain't gonna be like, oh, no, somebody's robbing, but you be like, man, that's probably some bullshit.

• 47:03Laci Mosley?

  Right. Yeah, you're definitely gonna roll up, so probably roll back over, slept for 20 more minutes, then was like, alright, let me go, so I don't get fired. Uh, it's very much giving, so I don't get fired. So he showed up, the security guard showed up, looked through the letterbox of the fire escape, declared it was secure and left. So basically, he looked around, was like, hello? Oh, the elevator out of order.

• 47:22Speaker 03

  Any criminals here?

• 47:25Laci Mosley?

  Is anyone trying to rob the vault? Hello? Ah, didn't see anybody, alright, back to bed. This is the most minimal security I've ever heard. So the police were also notified of the alarm, but they decided that no response was necessary. Everybody was like, we good. Y'all not paying none of these people enough money. But despite having the best luck of any thieves, when the men finally breached the wall, they hit an unmovable metal cabinet bolted to the floor and ceiling that held the safe deposit boxes they left around 8 a.m. empty-handed. Undeterred, they returned two days later on Mr. Perkins' 67th birthday. Though Mr. Reader, the group's leader, he was like, I'm not going back for a second time. So the leader, Mr. Reader, was like, oh no, I'm not going back again.

• 48:06Speaker 03

  Hey, he was like, yo, my stomach, my stomach all.

• 48:09Laci Mosley?

  Right, he was like, nah, I can't, I gotta drink my insurance and go to bed. So during their second trip, they were able to dislodge the cabinet, gain access to the vault. The men ransacked 73 safe deposit boxes full of jewels, gold, precious stones, and basically like 14 million pounds at 6:40 a.m. After Mr. Collins had been woken up, they sped away. Mr. Jones was overheard saying that he would have to be wheeled out in one of the bins because he had not brought his insulin shots.

• 48:34Speaker 03

  Oh my god. See, that's why, that's why the leader knew better. He was like, bro, we gotta, our health got to be matching for us to pull this off.

• 48:42Laci Mosley?

  We had one good day where everybody, nobody had gout.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  Right, we need everybody's vitamin D up, all this.

• 48:49Laci Mosley?

  It was like two days in a row, a- a- a- after two days, we was up at midnight, bro. We can't be, at midnight again, come on now, bro.

• 48:56Speaker 03

  We need, we need, we gotta, we need another two weeks to catch up on sleep, to try again.

• 49:00Laci Mosley?

  Right, so this is how they got caught. Uh, we're getting to the end of this. It took several days for the men to be discovered. The lack of internal CCTV, fingerprints, or forced entry indicated a certain level of insider knowledge. So they're like, they got in here, basically walked in, you know, no, no fingerprints, no cameras, they, they cut the cameras dead ass. So there was a surveillance camera that was like hanging on outside in the corner, and that's how they found them, basically. Uh, so they had the surveillance footage from the street and bugs planted in their cars, which had picked up on them bragging about their spoils. So Mazzira Bag, a jewelry dealer, said he had lost everything. He said, I don't have a penny's worth of stones left with me because they were all in the safe deposit.

• 49:42Laci Mosley?

  Damn, you put all your stone, you can't put all your eggs in one basket.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  Or he was lying, because so the insurance would pay for it.

• 49:48Laci Mosley?

  Oh, you right, you right. Yeah, you right about that, cuz if I got robbed, I'm showing up in a neck brace. They're like, you weren't even here.

• 49:57Speaker 03

  No, this is from when I fell when I heard the news.

• 49:59Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, when I heard, I picked up the phone, was like, hello, and they were like, you got robbed, and I was like, I know, and then I fell down several stairs. Right, my whole family fell.

• 50:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, my whole family fell. You know, it's like, it's like those people, it's like, remember, remember when Janet Jackson's titty came out on the Super Bowl? And all these people was like, ah, I'm permanently damaged.

• 50:18Laci Mosley?

  We really did act a whole, and by we, I mean them, acted a whole fool. But I will say, though, the timing of that was wild because TiVo had just come out, and I only remember that because I was a kid, and my parents would always throw the Super Bowl parties, and they had just gotten, you know, the TiVo, which was like the new gadget. So when the titty came out, they rewinded a bunch of times.

• 50:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, they was like, wait, what?

• 50:40Laci Mosley?

  Wait, what was that?

• 50:41Speaker 03

  What's that?

• 50:42Laci Mosley?

  They were rewinding, pausing, chatting, it was a, you know, cuz it was like a house full of people. And like, not in a gross way, but more of like, we just got this TiVo thing, so now we can understand, cuz it was just such a quick moment, and people act like it lasted forever, and they were like, what just happened? Uh, yeah, so I'm sure that also exacerbated the situation. And shout out to Janet, a queen, no shout out to Justin, a, a jester.

• 51:05Speaker 03

  Exactly. Great opportunity to bring her out during the Super Bowl, but that's a whole other thing.

• 51:09Laci Mosley?

  Right, loser. And that's when he was like, wearing camos and, and, and trying to be white again. It was very weird.

• 51:15Speaker 03

  He went camping. He tried to Miley Cyrus us like thirty years later.

• 51:18Laci Mosley?

  He did. It was too late. You can't Miley Cyrus us that long. Timberland made your whole career, boo boo. You can't try to walk it back now. We saw them cornrows. Stop playing with us. Okay, we used to see your hair when it looked like a pack of ramen noodles. Don't play with us.

• 51:30Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. She get that to spin.

• 51:33Laci Mosley?

  So wrapping this up, on May nineteenth, after forty-five days of surveillance and gathering the information to determine where the loot had been stashed, two hundred police officers swept in on several of the men as they were transferring the jewelry. Two hundred.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 51:49Laci Mosley?

  That's a lot of police. The police raided twelve addresses in North London and arrested seven suspects. Of what was recovered, including Mr. Jones's bag of loot he had stashed under the gravestone of a family member, over nine million pounds was still missing. When arrested, all four men and accomplices who pleaded guilty to the theft, Mr. Jones, Mr. Perkins, Mr. Collins, they were all sentenced to seven years in prison. Mr. Reader was sentenced to six. I think six is not fair. Mr. Reader didn't go back, okay?

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, what, six?

• 52:15Laci Mosley?

  Six.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  Six.

• 52:16Laci Mosley?

  They getting seven, I'm getting six?

• 52:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's a lot because they didn't know that I tried the first night. So how do you even know I'm involved?

• 52:25Laci Mosley?

  Right. I feel like six is too much. If I just basically did break into enterance, cuz I wasn't there for the actual heist going out. That's raggedy. So it took three years for Basil to be identified. Michael Steed, a fifty-eight-year-old alarm specialist. So he was sentenced to a total of eighteen years. Now, wait a minute, these years ain't, the math ain't mathin'. What? Basil got eighteen.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  But you know what? That's probably cuz he was, he went on the run.

• 52:48Laci Mosley?

  Oh.

• 52:49Speaker 03

  Maybe they, they probably, maybe they charged him with some extra shit.

• 52:52Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, maybe cuz he was on the lam. So in January twenty eighteen, the Woolwich Crown Court ruled that Mr. Collins, Mr. Jones, Mr. Perkins, and Mr. Raider must pay a total of twenty-seven point five million pounds or face another seven years in prison. Mr. Perkins died in prison a week after the ruling. So like we said earlier, he was like, bye.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  See, where they supposed to get that kind of money from?

• 53:13Laci Mosley?

  Right. It's like, didn't they only steal like fourteen million in pounds and then the rest was jewelry? Like, we, we gotta add it.

• 53:19Speaker 03

  Well, they said six million was, was never recovered.

• 53:23Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, they said nine million wasn't recovered. So, but how does nine jump to twenty-seven? I'm confused.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, yeah, where else would you get twenty-seven million dollars from?

• 53:29Laci Mosley?

  Right. You know I don't got that. You want me to rob another bank? Give us three years.

• 53:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, they backwards over there. That's what they judges wear wigs.

• 53:37Laci Mosley?

  Right. And so Mr. Collins and Mr. Jones, their sentences were extended after obviously failing to pay and they're still in jail. Mr. Reader was released after seven, three years and had suffered prostate cancer and a series of strokes. Oh, Mr. Reader, I'm so sorry. So had the safe deposit was forced into liquidation and the building's new owner was considering turning the vault into a museum devoted to the heist. So they go try to get a coin however they can. Now they're like, come to oceans.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, or man, you know what? They could do one of those skill shares or one of those master classes.

• 54:08Laci Mosley?

  Right. Can you, now, cuz I was about to say, that's boring if you just turn it into a museum and I just walk around. Now, if you're telling me I could slide down the elevator shaft and like recreate the robbery, that kind of sounds popping. I would do that.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  Show me how to turn off this alarm.

• 54:23Laci Mosley?

  Make it into a dick's last resort, but you gotta break in to get to the restaurant.

• 54:27Speaker 03

  I wonder if it's illegal if I just break in somewhere, like just to fuck with somebody. If I break into, like if I break into a jewelry store and I just move everything around, but I leave it there.

• 54:37Laci Mosley?

  It don't, you don't steal anything, just inconvenience everybody.

• 54:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, just make everybody like, what the fuck?

• 54:44Laci Mosley?

  I mean, shout out to these kings. So sorry that y'all are either in jail or decided to peace out from the planet. Um, really wish, I mean, one, at least Basil was on the lam for three years. Hopefully he had some good times. You know, with some bad bitches. Uh, that's my hope for him.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  At least, at least they didn't snitch on each other.

• 55:02Laci Mosley?

  Right. It looks like they did not snitch on, on their friends or on their family, for sure. Uh, but it's just like, if I'm doing all this for a robbery, I need to be able to enjoy the money. I just feel like the police caught up to y'all too quick, like.

• 55:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, uh, yeah, but how did they, but was it specific about how they do it was them for sure?

• 55:16Laci Mosley?

  There was a camera. So they, they didn't catch them on camera in the actual place, but they caught their license plates, which I'm like, why are y'all driving your own cars? Like, yes.

• 55:26Speaker 03

  Between y'all, y'all got about ninety years experience. How you gonna drive your own car to a robbery?

• 55:32Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, they old school though. I'm sure back in the day when they were doing it, it was, they weren't ready for all the technology. They needed one young person on the team, like one person who got a TikTok, who could have.

• 55:44Speaker 03

  And you know what? And they probably have one. It was like, you know, you don't know what the fuck you doing. Let me, I'm, I'mma call my man, uh, who was the last one that got caught?

• 55:51Laci Mosley?

  Basil?

• 55:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'mma call my man Basil. This young nigga talk too much.

• 55:55Laci Mosley?

  He was trying to help y'all out. Well, guys, it's time for a quick scammer of the week before I have to let King Brian Simpson go here. Uh, this week's scammer of the week, where we honor a charlatan who's maybe worthy of our praise. Maybe not. We'll see real quick. So the scammer of the week, there's a Japanese tradition of eating KFC on Christmas. That might be built off of a lie from a Japanese businessman.

• 56:18Laci Mosley?

  When the first KFC opened in Japan in nineteen seventy, the store manager, Takashi Okara, struggled to make money. Japanese customers were unfamiliar with the store's American aesthetic and at times, Okara had so little money that he slept on the floor, bags in the back. So he was sleeping on the chicken in the bag, resting his head on drumsticks every night because he couldn't slang them. And I hate that for him. So at the time, Christmas was not a major holiday in Japan. But when a nun at a nearby school asked Okara to a Christmas party if he served KFC's fried chicken, he obliged, even showing up in a Santa Claus suit. So he was like, oh, y'all want chicken on Christmas? Yeah, I'mma pull up and I'mma pull up as Kris Kringle.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, Kris Kringle.

• 57:01Laci Mosley?

  Right, come on Chris, chicken, come on chicken cringle, we love it. So, he shows up with the chicken. The party was such success that another kindergarten class asked for a KFC themed Christmas party. Okara took the idea to his stores, putting Santa costumes on Colonel Sanders statues outside and marketing fried chicken as the replacement to the American turkey for Christmas dinner. News of the tradition spread, and when the national broadcaster asked Okara if fried chicken was a common western Christmas tradition, he said it was.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  Hey man, yeah, you came back out of that one.

• 57:32Laci Mosley?

  He said, yeah, everybody in America eat chicken on Christmas. Don't look anything up.

• 57:38Speaker 03

  Right, right, yeah, I've been there, and it's, uh.

• 57:42Laci Mosley?

  Colonel Sanders is actually Santa Claus, everybody knows that. And, uh, the chicken are the reindeer, and, and he pulls them on.

• 57:50Speaker 03

  I'm guessing that sign says a hundred percent chicken?

• 57:53Laci Mosley?

  Uh, yeah, that's what I'm guessing too. It has, it probably says a hundred percent chicken, which I always think is hilarious.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  And no lies.

• 57:59Laci Mosley?

  No lies told. He said, on drumstick, on thigh, on wing.

• 58:05Laci Mosley?

  On gravy, on biscuit.

• 58:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, what percentage chicken, is it chicken that's not a hundred percent?

• 58:10Laci Mosley?

  Uh, that's what I always think when people, like, I remember when McDonald's was like, now with all white meat nuggets, and I was like, when were they before?

• 58:17Speaker 03

  Right, right, well, yeah, when they first came out with the, uh, the chicken selects, the chicken tender. This is all real. What was the other shit?

• 58:25Laci Mosley?

  Right, that y'all served for many, many decades. They said McDonald's, now with meat. What?

• 58:32Speaker 03

  No, they, you know what, they, they got tired of the accusation and they put out a video. Where they show where, how they make the nuggets, and it did not help.

• 58:39Laci Mosley?

  It did not help at all.

• 58:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, like slime, I'm like, oh, that didn't make me feel better about it.

• 58:45Laci Mosley?

  Yeah, don't tell us, don't tell us that they making this with chicken booty.

• 58:50Speaker 03

  Like, this is the rest of the chicken.

• 58:52Laci Mosley?

  It's chicken cream, and then it solidifies. Into a nugget. I'm like, no, we did not need to notice McDonald's. To y'allself. So today, the phenomenon continues as every Christmas, people wait hours outside of KFC for fried chicken during the holiday season. Okay, Cora, I'm down. I like this scam. You're like, yeah, everybody in America, I'm sure some people in America aren't eating KFC on Christmas. It's not like you really lied.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, he's like, Americans eat. On Christmas, for sure.

• 59:21Laci Mosley?

  But I do love hyping it. I feel like you need to take it further. I feel like you should be like, yeah, every holiday, American Arbor Day, they gotta have a chicken. You know what I mean? Like, make it every day so you can really run the bag up. But at least you know Christmas gonna be hitting. I love that.

• 59:34Speaker 03

  Hey, real talk, though. Best fried chicken in L.A. is a place called Barbecue Chicken L.A. in Koreatown.

• 59:39Laci Mosley?

  Wow, I've never heard of that. I thought you were gonna say like Gus's or like Dave's Hot. Okay.

• 59:44Speaker 03

  It's a Korean spot, but they fried chicken. It's incredible.

• 59:48Laci Mosley?

  I do love Korean fried chicken, though. They usually is very much bussing. So, okay. What's it called again? Cause I'm gonna have to go.

• 59:54Speaker 03

  It's called Barbecue Chicken L.A.

• 59:55Laci Mosley?

  Barbecue, and then it's straight to the point. Barbecue Chicken L.A. You know what you're getting? You know where it's at. Love that. All right. Guys, we've reached the end of the episode. And Brian, we always ask on the show, where would you like to be found? Where do you want people to find you?

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  Like when I'm, oh, no, I thought you meant if I die.

• 1:00:12Laci Mosley?

  Oh, no.

• 1:00:16Laci Mosley?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:00:18Speaker 03

  No, um, I would like, you could find me on at BSComedian on Twitter or Instagram. Um, I'm gonna be all, I'm to, I'll be all over the place touring this year. Click on my link tree and I'm coming to your city, even if it's not up there, the links will be up there soon.

• 1:00:33Laci Mosley?

  Yes, and the standups on Netflix. Guys, please watch Brian. I'm, I mean, I'm just trying to do y'all the favor because Brian's episode is so frickin' funny. It's so good. I was telling him before we started the podcast that I was watching, because Naomi, I've Kerrigan and Janelle James, y'all know, have done the show before. I was watching to see theirs and Brian's was first and I was like, oh, I'm looking for Naomi's. And then as soon as he started talking, I was like, no, I'm gonna watch this. I was like, okay, this is funny as hell. Um, it was, it was a really good special. You should be very, very proud. Congratulations. Uh, y'all get into it. Y'all see this man live and in person, okay? Breathing in the city near you, telling these jokes, honey. Uh, as always, guys, snitch on your friends and family at [email protected]. If you want to see me and my shenanigans, D I V A L A C I D, Velaci, on all platforms.

• 1:01:18Laci Mosley?

  If you'd like to see any of these photos of these dashing, older criminals, uh, the granddaddies, you know, with all of their names, uh, scamgoddesspod on all platforms. Congregation, stay Schemin.

• 1:01:34Laci Mosley?

  This has been an Earwolf production in association with Team Coco. Scam Goddess stars and is hosted by me, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. It's produced by Judith Cargvo, engineered by Marina Baiz, and researched by Kaelyn Brandt. Stay Schemin.

• 1:01:51Speaker 04

  This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

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