How To Make Changes That Actually Last: 5 Habits To Make 2025 Your Best Year Yet with Dr Rangan Chatterjee #506

Why is it that 80% of New Year’s Resolutions fail? In my opinion, it is because many of us are taking the wrong approach. But, if you take the correct approach it is absolutely possible to make meaningful changes in your life that actually last. This is a special New Year SOLO episode to celebrate the time of year and the release of my brand new book Make Change That Lasts: 9 Simple Ways To Break Free From The Habits That Hold You Back, which is now finally out and available to buy all over the world. https://drchatterjee.com/make change In this episode, I explore five important habits and ideas that you can introduce into your life immediately, which will help you make 2025 your best year yet, including: • Why listening to your body is the most important skill to work on in 2025 • How to best navigate a world where we are being bombarded with more and more information, which is leaving many people confused • The 3 most important rules of habit formation • The importance of understanding the precise role any behaviour is playing in your life before you try and change it • The 5 components of leading a successful and vibrant life • The importance of being able to say no and how to cultivate this skill This episode is full of practical insights that will help you start off 2025 in the best possible way. And, by the time you have finished listening, my hope is that you will feel empowered and motivated to make positive changes in your life that will actually last. I hope you enjoy listening. To get your very own copy of my new book Make Change That Lasts, click here. https://drchatterjee.com/make change Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. This January try FREE for 30 days on Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore. For other podcast platforms go to https://fblm.supercast.com. Show notes https://drchatterjee.com/506 DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified healthcare provider. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Rangan Chatterjee?

  Hey guys, how are you doing? I hope you're having a good week so far. My name is Dr. Rangan Chatterjee and this is my podcast, Feel Better Live More.

• 0:16Rangan Chatterjee?

  So here we are, it is a brand new year and of course, it is the time of year where many of us are trying to make positive changes in our life. But here's the problem, the research suggests that up to 80% of New Year's resolutions fail. So why is that? Well, it's certainly not a lack of effort or willpower. I believe that one of the reasons why so many New Year's resolutions fail is because we're not getting to the root cause of our behaviours. And that's why so many of us are unable to make changes that actually last.

• 0:57Rangan Chatterjee?

  So this year, I decided to record a bonus solo New Year's episode to address this common problem and to celebrate the release of my brand new book, Make Change That Lasts: Nine Simple Ways to Break Free From the Habits That Hold You Back, which is now finally out. The book is available all over the world right now as a paperback ebook and as an audiobook, which I am narrating. Honestly, I have put my heart and soul into this book over the past two and a half years and I'm delighted that it is now finally available for people to read and enjoy.

• 1:40Rangan Chatterjee?

  And as you can probably tell from the title, this new book of mine is really trying to address this common issue. How can people make changes that actually last? So this episode is a celebratory episode, yes, it is celebrating the launch of my brand new book, but I've also recorded it to celebrate the time of year. And in it, I'm going to share with you five powerful ideas and habits that speak to and around some of the themes within my new book, with the overarching goal being to help you make changes that last.

• 2:20Rangan Chatterjee?

  Now, if you heard the previous episode of this podcast, episode 505, another bonus solo episode that I released just a few days ago. In it, I shared some of the most important mindset shifts that you can make to help you make transformative change. If you've not heard that episode yet, I think the content within it works really well alongside the ideas that I'm about to go through in this episode. And you can listen to these episodes in any order, but I think they both work really nicely alongside each other. Okay, so for this episode, idea number one, trust yourself.

• 3:04Rangan Chatterjee?

  What do I mean when I say trust yourself?

• 3:08Rangan Chatterjee?

  Well, I think perhaps the most useful way to look at this is to examine the state of the world when it comes to health. We're living in a time where we've got access to more health information than ever before. More podcasts, more books, more Instagram posts, more online blogs. Yet despite this increase in information, our physical health is getting worse and our mental wellbeing is declining. And for the last years, I've been thinking, what's going on? We've got more knowledge than ever before, yet worse health outcomes. So why is that? Well, of course, there are some external factors that we need to think about.

• 3:52Rangan Chatterjee?

  The food environment, the pressures that many people are facing at work, the cost of living, et cetera, et cetera. I recognize that those things are real and that they're having a huge impact on our ability to make change. But it's not just that. There's also something internal going on within each and every single one of us that unless we address, the truth is, we're never going to make changes that last in the long term. And that's this idea that we all have an inner expertise within us over what is best for us. But we've outsourced that inner expertise to external experts.

• 4:37Rangan Chatterjee?

  So people will say, with all this health information out there, it's important that you only listen to advice from experts. But here's the problem with that.

• 4:48Rangan Chatterjee?

  Let's take this podcast, for example. I could talk to an expert. Let's say Chris Palmer, this wonderful psychiatrist from Harvard, who came on to this show a couple of years ago and showed that for some people with severe mental health problems, bipolar, schizophrenia, for example, he has seen that a ketogenic diet can transform these people's lives. And when he came on this podcast and in his book, he shares published research to support what he is saying and clinical case studies. Right? And then, so I can talk to Chris on this podcast and try and tease out when that approach

• 5:32Rangan Chatterjee?

  might be useful and for whom. And then I can also talk to another expert, let's say a few weeks later. Let's say someone like Professor Felice Jacker, who published a randomized control trial a few years ago, showing that modified Mediterranean diet can put some cases of depression into remission. And if you look at what that diet was, it was full of whole grains, lean meat, fatty fish, lots of diversity, nuts, pulses, legumes. Right? So two experts that on the surface are saying two completely different things.

• 6:13Rangan Chatterjee?

  So what I would often get is messages, emails or DMs on Instagram from people saying, hey, Dr. Chachi, both experts sound really, really good and convincing. I like them both, but I don't know which expert I should be trusting. I think in 2025, the most useful question is not which expert should I trust? The more powerful question, the more useful question is why do I no longer trust myself? This, I think, is probably the most important thing for you to think about this year if you want to make transformative change. Why do you no longer trust yourself?

• 6:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  I contend that nobody knows what is better for you in the context of your life than you. Now, I'm not saying ignore external experts like me, not at all. I'm saying the balance has shifted too much, whereas now we forget, or so many of us forget about what we think, and we're putting all our faith in that external experts. But here's the thing, no expert's advice is going to be right for every single person. And I include the advice that I give in that. Use the advice, but then pay attention to how that advice works for you. So through

• 7:44Rangan Chatterjee?

  the lens of diet, for example, I would say to people, well, if you think both of those experts sound credible, you resonate with what they're saying, and you're interested in trying, well, one approach might be to try one expert's diet for four weeks. And whilst you're trying it, pay attention, pay attention to how you feel. What's your energy like? Your vitality, your sleep, your focus? And how do you feel in yourself? What is your bloating like? Your bowels, your guts? Pay attention to those things, observe them, and then perhaps try

• 8:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  the other person's diet for four weeks, and pay attention to those same things. And I contend that if you start paying attention, you will very quickly realise which of these approaches might be the right approach for you at this particular moment in your life. Again, I want to be really clear, I'm not saying ignore external experts. I'm saying the balance has shifted too much. We want a balance between the two, external expertise and internal expertise. But too often now, we're getting confused with say, I don't know who I should be trusting, or the information is conflicting. But actually, if you start

• 9:10Rangan Chatterjee?

  paying attention to how you feel when you're doing certain things, and let's take this beyond diet. If you listen to my podcast every week, you'll be constantly hearing different ideas, perspectives, viewpoints, practices, and not all of them are going to be right for you. But if you want to change your life for good, you have to become your own expert. And it is possible. If I reflect on the patients throughout my career who have truly transformed their lives for good, not just for a few weeks or a few months, for good. At some point, they became their own experts.

• 9:52Rangan Chatterjee?

  At some point, they were able to say to me, hey, doc, you recommended those five or six things. I think those five were really well, but that sixth thing that you recommended, I don't think that's the right approach for me. I don't think that's going to fit in my life. When I do that, it doesn't seem to work for me. And it's that internal expertise, that ability to trust ourselves, that I think we need to take back. It's the only way, in my view, that you're going to be able to navigate this world where you're being constantly bombarded by more and more information, is by spending a bit of time developing and relearning the skill of listening to yourself.

• 10:35Rangan Chatterjee?

  One of the problems when we don't do this, when we don't trust ourselves and put all of our faith in external experts, is that if the plan that the expert is offering us doesn't work, we never think the plan was wrong for us. We don't think the expert gave us the wrong advice. We think that we're the failure. We think that we're the ones who've got something wrong with us. The expert had the perfect advice, but we weren't able to follow it. And I would argue that sometimes if we follow the wrong plan for us, and then we end up thinking that we're the failure, we're worse off than had we never even started off that plan in the first place.

• 11:21Rangan Chatterjee?

  That's a really key point. If you never followed that expert's plan, and then not managed to do it and failed, and then thought that you were the failure, in some ways, you would have been better off not even following that plan in the first place. So what you have to do, in my view, the more helpful way to look at these things is to go, no, I'm gonna, let's say you like a certain plan that someone's offering you, give it a go, but pay attention. Ask yourself, is this working for me? How do I feel when I do this? Does this resonate deeply within me?

• 11:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  Now, in my new book, chapter one is called "Trust Yourself", the whole of that chapter is dedicated to this concept. And in the chapter, I explain that our bodies are astonishingly deep sources of information, if only we learn to listen to them properly. One of the most exciting and rapidly growing new fields is the study of what's known as interoception. Interoception is literally a sixth sense, like sight, touch, taste, sound and smell. It's a basic power of detection that we're born with. But interoception doesn't interpret signals from the outside world.

• 12:42Rangan Chatterjee?

  Instead, it's directed inward at the signals that are transmitted from our internal organs to our brains. And the better we get at listening to its messages, the better able we are to thrive. There's a lot of scientific research now that shows us that developing our sense of interoception can transform our wellbeing. There was a study published in The Lancet where they reported on research done by Professor Hugo Critchley at the Brighton and Sussex Medical School with autistic individuals who had symptoms of anxiety. And Professor Critchley was able to significantly reduce their stress levels by training them

• 13:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  to become more aware of signals from their heartbeats. After just six sessions, 31% of them recovered completely from their anxiety, compared to only 16% in the control group. There was another study. Professor Cynthia Price at the University of Washington in Seattle has carried out equally impressive work with people who have substance abuse problems. Drug and alcohol addicts who relapse often struggle to regulate their emotions.

• 13:57Rangan Chatterjee?

  Cynthia Price found that training patients to be more acutely aware of their internal sensations with sessions of mindfulness that were focused inward, lessen their cravings, reduce depression, and help them remain abstinent over the course of a year. I mean, that's remarkable. These improvements are there when we teach people to trust themselves, to pay attention to what's going on inside their own bodies. This is the theme that I'm trying to get across. There's nothing wrong with listening

• 14:35Rangan Chatterjee?

  to advice from external experts, but you've also got to tap into your own internal expertise.

• 14:46Rangan Chatterjee?

  In fact, researchers believe that one of the reasons why physical exercise can be so powerful for so many different aspects of our health, including anxiety and depression, is because of increased interoceptive awareness. By regularly increasing your heart rate and working out your muscles, you actually become more attuned to the signals your body is emitting, which in turn helps you feel more capable and in control. So this whole idea is about trusting yourself. I really think at this time of year, it's the most important thing you can be thinking about. Is the approach that you want to take this year the right approach for you? Are you

• 15:30Rangan Chatterjee?

  someone who needs to start tapping into their own internal expertise? Now, the truth is, if you've spent your whole life not listening to your body's signals, and instead listening to the advice from people outside of you, it's not going to happen overnight. It's a skill that you can develop and cultivate, but it's going to take practice. Think about this another way. If you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is start consuming information, so the news, emails, social media, even if you're consuming high-quality information,

• 16:13Rangan Chatterjee?

  you're still getting information in from the outside, which means that you have potentially lost the opportunity to start listening to your body's own signals. How are you feeling? Are you overly stressed? Have you got some tightness somewhere? Is your mood slightly off? You see, we don't realise that when we start consuming from the outside, we're distracting, we're not having to sit with ourselves. And if you cannot sit with yourself, you're not going to learn about yourself, which is one of the reasons why we keep jumping from plan to plan, from expert to expert, wondering, why can't I find the right approach for me? Why does this expert's plan not work? Or this expert's plan not work?

• 16:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  If you're somebody who's constantly getting confused by the advice from other people, I would say that it's really, really important for you this year to focus on some solitude each day. If you've listened to this podcast before or read any of my previous books, you will know that I think in this day and age, one of the most important practices for any one of us is a daily practice of solitude. Why? Because this is how you develop the skill of learning about yourself. You sit with yourself. You step outside of your life so you can start reflecting on your life. But if you get up and straight away you're consuming information,

• 17:43Rangan Chatterjee?

  you've lost that opportunity. So the idea here is about trusting yourself and the practical take-home is, what daily practice of solitude can you bring into your life this year?

• 17:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  Now, in keeping with the theme of this idea, you're gonna have to find what works best for you. Yes, I have my own way of doing this. I have a morning routine of the three Ms. Mindfulness, movement and mindset. I start off each day with about 10 minutes or so of meditation and breath work. I then do some movement, a five minute strength workout while my coffee is brewing. And then I finish off with that third M mindset where I write in my journal. This is an intentional way of starting each day, which works for me. It means I'm not reacting to the world around me. I'm actually intentionally setting the tone of how I want my day to go.

• 18:43Rangan Chatterjee?

  I'm learning about myself through that morning practice. So I would say you have to figure out what is that daily practice of solitude gonna be for you? It could be journaling, meditation, breath work, going for a walk whilst not also staring at your phone. It could even be you have your morning cup of tea or coffee each morning in your kitchen or your living room in silence without also checking your emails or Instagram at the same time. That is solitude. That will allow things to come up for you that allow you to reflect on your life and make changes in your life.

• 19:27Rangan Chatterjee?

  So I really want you to think this year about what daily practice of solitude can you bring? And you may already have one and maybe me sharing this idea will powerfully remind you why it's so important for you to keep that practice up. And whilst you can vary the practice from day to day, I think it's better to stick to the same one every day, ideally at the same time. I think when you do the same thing every morning, it becomes repetitive, but the magic lies in the repetition. When you repeat a practice over and over again, you quickly build up your innate intelligence and intuition. You start to learn what is normal for you

• 20:09Rangan Chatterjee?

  and you start to learn when things start to feel different. So I have a friend, for example, who does five yoga postures every morning. It's the same five every day. Because on some days when she's doing those practices, They feel easy. She feels that they're fluid. She feels really flexible. And on other days, things feel a bit tight and rigid. Because she's doing the same practice every day. When things feel different, she knows it's not the practice. Because that's what's happening every day. That's her constant. She knows that there's something different within her.

• 20:49Rangan Chatterjee?

  So for example, when she feels tight and rigid when she's doing it. She knows that the stress load is building up in her life. Maybe there's a relationship issue she needs to address. Maybe she's taken on too much at work and she's stressed out and underslept. It's a practice that helps her tune into herself. So I'd highly encourage you this year to find your daily solitude practice that's going to work for you. Idea number two.

• 21:22Rangan Chatterjee?

  Follow the rules of human behavior. Okay, this is a really, really important one. If you want to make changes that actually last, you simply have to understand two or possibly three of what I consider to be the most important rules for behavior change. Rule number one, you have to make it easy. Now, let's go back to that statistic that I gave to you in the introduction. Up to 80% of New Year's resolutions fail. There are a variety of different reasons for that. But one of the big reasons is because we make our new desired behaviors too difficult.

• 22:05Rangan Chatterjee?

  The research shows us time and time again that when you make things easy to do, we will do them. Businesses absolutely understand this. When Amazon moved to one-click ordering, maybe over a decade ago now. Estimates say that their profits went up by $300 million a year. And why would that be? Well, just think back. Before one-click ordering. If you wanted to make an order on Amazon, you would click what you wanted. You'd have to go to a new page, confirm that that's what you had clicked on. Then you go to another page, put in your card details, expiry date, all those things, et cetera, et cetera.

• 22:48Rangan Chatterjee?

  Click again, confirm order, et cetera, et cetera. There were four or five steps you had to take before you could actually place that order. When they move to one click ordering, before you can even blink, you have something arriving on your doorstep the following day. They made it easy for you to do, so you went and did it. This is why Netflix and YouTube run one video or episode into the next one. It's not out of the goodness of their own hearts. It's because they know. Let's take Netflix, for example. Let's say it's 10:30 PM and you've finished one episode of a series that you're watching. Before you realise, oh, it's 10:30.

• 23:33Rangan Chatterjee?

  I need to be up at 6 for work. I'd better go to bed now. They've already started the next episode playing, so you get sucked in. And before you know it, you're still there. They made it easy, so you do it. Same thing with YouTube. One is one YouTube video goes straight into the next one. If people make things easy to do, human beings will do them. But when it comes to making changes in our life, to improve our health, let's say, we often don't apply those principles. We try and make things really, really difficult. But you simply have to make things easy if you want to turn those new designed behaviours into long-term habits.

• 24:18Rangan Chatterjee?

  Now, one of the reasons this is so important is because many of us overly rely on motivation. We think that motivation is going to last. But it won't. It never does. And in the research, they call this the motivation wave. Motivation comes up and then motivation goes down. If your behaviour is difficult to do, sure, you will do it when your motivation's high. But when your motivation drops, let's say you've had a busy week. You come back home late from work. You have to take your kids to after school classes or whatever it might be. When your motivation's low, you will never do the behaviour if it's difficult to do. But if the behaviour is easy to do, you will still do it.

• 25:03Rangan Chatterjee?

  You'll do it when your motivation's high and you'll do it when your motivation's low. So rule number one to think about, if you have a new desired behaviour you're trying to bring into your life is, can you make it easy? Okay, and I'll give you an example of that in just a moment. Rule number two is where are you going to put that behaviour in your life? A lot of the time, we don't give this enough thought. But every single human behaviour requires a trigger. Okay, so what is a trigger? Well, the trigger is something that triggers that behaviour. So let's say, for example, you want to start meditating this year. You go, okay, I know meditation's going to help me be calmer, less stressed.

• 25:47Rangan Chatterjee?

  It might help me with my anxiety, it might increase my focus. I really, really want to meditate this year. And you start off with all that motivation. Great. But if you haven't thought about where that is going to fit into your day, you're actually going to struggle in the long term. Or the potential is that you're going to struggle in the long term. So if we understand that every behaviour needs a trigger, we need to understand, well, what is the best trigger for me to use? One trigger could be your memory. You just remember each day that you're going to meditate. Now, can it work? Yeah, it can work. But unfortunately, memory seems to be the most unreliable trigger.

• 26:29Rangan Chatterjee?

  So if you're relying on memory to help that new behaviour become a long term habit, you're probably going to struggle in the long term. The next best form of trigger, as evidenced by the research, is some sort of notification. So a post-it note on your fridge, or a Google Calendar notification, something to remind you and prompt you, or trigger you, to go and do that behaviour. Okay, so that works. It's much better than memory, and for many people, it can be very, very effective. But the very best trigger, as evidenced by the research, and I learnt this from Professor BJ Fogg, is when you stick on that new behaviour onto an existing habit.

• 27:11Rangan Chatterjee?

  So an existing habit is something that you're already doing without any conscious thought. So it's a habit. If you stick your new behaviour onto it, it's much more likely that it's going to happen. Now, in the previous idea, the first idea about trusting yourself, I shared that I have a morning routine every morning, and one of the components of that is a five-minute strength workout every morning. I have rarely missed a day in over five years now because I followed those two rules. It's five minutes, right? It's easy. It's not half an hour, it's not 20 minutes, it's not even 10 minutes, it's five minutes.

• 27:53Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay, so because I made it easy, even on a busy day where my motivation's low, I can very rarely say to myself, "I don't have five minutes." That's why it happens. I also do it in my pyjamas. Okay, that's really important. I've made it so easy that I'm now at the point where it's harder for me to not do that behaviour than actually do it. I don't need to get changed, get my sports gear out, get shoes on. No, I'm barefoot, I'm in my pyjamas, I'm in my kitchen. Okay, so I've made it easy. The second thing I've done is stick on that behaviour onto an existing habit. So I'm someone who likes a cup of coffee in the morning, and I'm very particular with how I make that coffee.

• 28:35Rangan Chatterjee?

  I weigh out my coffee, I pour the water onto it, and then I put a timer on for five minutes. In those five minutes, I don't go on Instagram, I don't go on my email. I do my five minute strength workout in my pajamas. Okay, so I followed those two rules. I made it easy. And number two, I've stuck that behaviour onto an existing habit. Now, you may not drink coffee in the morning or tea. It may be that you have to find another habit in your life that you can stick on a new desired behaviour onto. But you'll have one. You just need to think about it. That is the one that works for me. And as I say, I've rarely missed a day in over five years.

• 29:18Rangan Chatterjee?

  It's got nothing to do with motivation and willpower. It's because I understand the rules of human behaviour and I've applied them. There's also a third rule there, which I want to talk to you about that I also apply, which again helps me keep that behaviour, keep that desired behaviour as a long term habit. And that's to do with our environment. So our environment influences our behaviour so much more than we think. You simply have to, as much as you possibly can, have your environment support your desired behaviour. So what does that mean for me in the context of this five minute kitchen workout?

• 30:00Rangan Chatterjee?

  Well, I have a kettlebell and a dumbbell sitting in my kitchen. Now, you may have heard me say before, many years ago, my wife actually did say to me, "Hey Rangan, are you gonna keep the kettlebell and dumbbell in the kitchen?" And I remember saying to her, I said, "Hey babe, listen, if I put that in the garage or my cupboard or we lock it away somewhere, I'm not gonna end up using it." Remember, if you make something difficult to do, even go to another room, opening a cupboard, opening the garage or whatever it might be, it's just much less likely that you're going to do it. So by having the kettlebell and dumbbell there, I'm visually being triggered every single day.

• 30:45Rangan Chatterjee?

  When I go into my kitchen to make my coffee, it's there. It's reminding me that I need to pick it up, that I want to pick it up. And you can apply that principle to anything in your life. Let's say you want to journal in the evening just before you go to bed. Maybe you've got a lot of thoughts wearing around your brain. You feel a bit anxious. You want to just download some of that onto your journal before you go to bed. Because the research shows that that can really be a powerful way of helping people improve their sleep. It sounds simple, but it is amazing how many people do not do this. If the journal is kept on your bedside table with a pen or a pencil, you are much more likely to do it.

• 31:30Rangan Chatterjee?

  If you go to bed and on your bedside table, one of those things is missing. And let's say you live in a house and you have to go downstairs to go and get that pen. Over time, I promise you it's much less likely that you're going to do that behaviour. So remember those three rules, okay? Make it easy. Stick on that new behaviour onto an existing habit. And three, have your environment support your desired behaviour. Let's just think about another habit that I hope you have in your life already, which is brushing your teeth. Two minutes in the morning and two minutes in the evening. That was not a habit when you were three years old or four years old or five.

• 32:11Rangan Chatterjee?

  You probably needed your parents or your caregivers to constantly remind you about that behaviour until it became a habit. So now as an adult, you take it for granted. Well, I've applied those same principles to my five minute strength workout. That is why it happens. Now, yes, on some days, those five minutes turn into 10 or 15 minutes. I have more time, I've got more energy. I'm like, yeah, I want to do a bit more today. But the minimum requirement is five minutes. That's why it happens. And that's why your tooth brushing happens. It's easy, okay? It's only two minutes. You do it at the same time every day. So you've got this routine, you're being triggered every single day at the same time.

• 32:56Rangan Chatterjee?

  And also your environment supports your behaviour. You go into your bathroom and the toothbrush and the toothpaste is there. You don't have to go somewhere else to go and get it. If you did, you may find that that behaviour happens less often. So if there are some new behaviours that you want to bring into your life this year and you want to turn them into long-term habits, basically you want to make changes that actually last, I would say, think about those three rules of behaviour change and think about how you can apply them in your life.

• 33:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  Today's episode is sponsored by the daily health drink AG1. The clocks are about to change, the mornings are darker, everyone around you seems to be coming down with something and suddenly that wellbeing you felt in the summer seems a long time ago. I certainly know that feeling and that's why at this time of year, I remind myself to lean into the fundamentals and one of those fundamentals is AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that has been in my own life for over eight years. And one of the many things I like about it is the fact that many of the nutrients it contains, for example, vitamin C, vitamin A, zinc and selenium, supports a healthy immune system. Some of the other things I really like about AG1 is that they are committed to continuous

• 34:19Rangan Chatterjee?

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• 34:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  All you have to do is head to drinkag1.com/livemore to claim this offer before it ends. Today's episode is sponsored by the daily health drink AG1. The clocks are about to change, the mornings are darker, everyone around you seems to be coming down with something and suddenly that wellbeing you felt in the summer seems a long time ago. I certainly know that feeling and that's why at this time of year, I remind myself to lean into the fundamentals and one of those fundamentals is AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that has been in my own life for over eight years. And one of the many things I like about it is the fact that many of the nutrients it contains, for example, vitamin C, vitamin A, zinc and selenium, supports-

• 35:43Rangan Chatterjee?

  A healthy immune system. Some of the other things I really like about AG1 is that they are committed to continuous improvement and updating their formula as a scientific research involves. And each batch is independently tested for quality and safety markers, including heavy metals, allergens and banned substances. This is how they can guarantee what's in your scoop and what's not. Right now, AG1 is offering a free AG1 flavour sampler and AGZ sampler to try all the flavours, plus free vitamin D3 and K2 and AG1 welcome kit with your first AG1 subscription order. That's $87 in free gifts for first time subscribers.

• 36:28Rangan Chatterjee?

  All you have to do is head to drinkag1.com forward slash live more to claim this offer before it ends.

• 36:41Rangan Chatterjee?

  Idea number three.

• 36:44Rangan Chatterjee?

  Understand your behaviours.

• 36:49Rangan Chatterjee?

  I think one of the main reasons that we are unable to make changes that actually last is because we don't understand something really, really fundamental, which is this.

• 37:04Rangan Chatterjee?

  Every single behaviour in your life serves a role. You will never change the behaviour in the long term unless you understand the role that behaviour is playing in your life. Okay, very simply, let's look at something that many people in January are trying to cut back on. Okay, sugar or alcohol. Okay, many people, maybe they've indulged a little bit over the festive periods. It's not uncommon for people to try and dramatically reset their relationship with either sugar or alcohol in January. So often people will go no sugar for January or no alcohol for January. And sure, that can be powerful.

• 37:46Rangan Chatterjee?

  But often, it doesn't lead to long-term change. Why? Well, let's look at this through the lens of alcohol, but you can apply the same principle to any other behaviour that you're trying to change in your life. If you are consuming alcohol to help you manage the stress in your life, then sure, you can try 30 days without any alcohol and you may sleep better. You may realise that you can live and function without it. You've got more energy. You have less bags under your eyes, whatever it might be. You may experience all those benefits. But often, you will revert back to your previous alcohol consumption, unless one of two things has happened.

• 38:31Rangan Chatterjee?

  Either you have to reduce the amount of stress in your life, so you have less of a need for the alcohol in the first place, or you need to find an alternative behaviour to manage stress that's not alcohol.

• 38:46Rangan Chatterjee?

  I think when I put it like that, I think it sounds relatively obvious, but I don't think most people are thinking about their behaviours in that way. They're too focused on the actual behaviour instead of the reason why they're choosing to engage in that behaviour in the first place. So, once you really start to pay attention to the reasons for your behaviours, that's where the gold is, and that's when you start to make those long-term changes. So, I have an exercise called the Freedom Exercise that I've been using with patients for years that's proved really, really helpful for people to understand what role their behaviours play in their life.

• 39:29Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay, let's look at this through the lens of, let's say, sugar.

• 39:35Rangan Chatterjee?

  Are you someone who is trying to reduce your sugar intake?

• 39:40Rangan Chatterjee?

  Whether you are or not, just listen to this exercise and how it applies to sugar, because you can use the same exercise to change your relationship with many other behaviours. Okay, so many people over the years would say to me something like this, "Dr Chastity, I really want to reduce how much sugar I'm having. I'm really good in the day, but often I end up at 9pm in front of the television really craving something sweet." I don't know if that's something that you've ever experienced yourself, but it's something that many, many people have experienced and have reported to me over the years. So let's think about how we can apply the Freedom Exercise to this scenario.

• 40:23Rangan Chatterjee?

  So the Freedom Exercise comprises of three Fs: feel, feed, and find. Okay, so next time you're on the sofa at 9pm and you are craving something sweet, so let's say some ice cream, I want you to take a pause. Before you go and get the ice cream from your kitchen and bring it in to your living room, let's say, I want you to take a brief pause and ask yourself the first F, feel. What am I actually feeling? Am I really hungry? Is this physical hunger or is it emotional hunger? You know, a lot of the time we eat when we're not actually physically hungry.

• 41:07Rangan Chatterjee?

  We eat for a variety of other reasons. Maybe you've been on Zoom calls all day, you've not had any time to yourself, and this is your little treat for you in the evening. Maybe you've just had a row with your partner, you don't feel good. So this is a way of soothing stress. Maybe the kid's bedtime has gone on too long and you're a bit frazzled and you need the ice cream or you want the ice cream to help you feel a little bit calmer, give you a sense of control. Maybe you're feeling lonely. Maybe you're feeling lonely and a bit isolated. And actually, the ice cream is helping you numb that emotion. Then go ahead and eat the ice cream if you want to. The most important thing is that you ask yourself that first F.

• 41:52Rangan Chatterjee?

  What am I really feeling? So either the same time or the next time you're in that scenario, you again ask yourself the first F, but then you move to the second F, which is feed. So the first F is feel. Okay, what am I really feeling? The second F is how does food feed the feeling? Oh, I'm feeling stressed. So when I have some ice cream, it temporarily at least helps me feel less stressed. Or I'm feeling frazzled because I just had a row with my partner. Temporarily, this ice cream, this sugar, helps me feel less frazzled and more calm. Maybe you want that sugar because you're feeling lonely,

• 42:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  which is completely understandable. But now you're starting to understand that, oh, wow, when I feel lonely, it doesn't feel good. So I'm going to want that sugar. It's going to help me feel better. Okay, great. You're now doing something so, so powerful, which is you're starting to understand the role that these behaviours play in your life. The reason why so many people cannot change these behaviours in the long term is because they're too focused on the behaviour. They're not understanding the role that the behaviour plays in their life. Okay, then the next time you're in that scenario, you do the first two Fs and you come to the third F. The third F is find. Okay, so the first F is feel. What am I really feeling?

• 43:20Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay, I'm feeling stressed. Second F is feed. How does food feed that feeling? Oh, sugar helps me feel less stressed. Okay, now the third F is find. Can I find an alternative behaviour that's not sugar to help me feed that emotion that I'm feeling? Okay, so let's say you're feeling stressed and sugar helps feed the stress. What else could you do? Maybe you love yoga. Maybe you go on YouTube and do a 10-minute yoga sequence. That's also going to lower stress, but arguably in a more helpful way. If you feel that you've been on Zoom calls all day, you've not had any time to yourself,

• 44:03Rangan Chatterjee?

  and that time on the sofa with that ice cream is your treat to yourself, what could you do instead?

• 44:11Rangan Chatterjee?

  Maybe you could run yourself a bath, put a candle on in the bathroom and nourish yourself in a different way. Maybe you're feeling lonely and you're going to sugar to try and numb that emotional discomfort, which is very, very common. Well, what else could you do? If you have someone in your house or your flat, maybe you could talk to them. If you don't, maybe you could call someone, a friend or a family member, or maybe you found one of your parents. Okay, there are other ways that we can deal with those emotions and those feelings, which don't involve sugar. And once you start paying attention to what that emotion is, what you are really feeling, and what role the behavior serves in your life and how it addresses that feeling,

• 44:57Rangan Chatterjee?

  then you're actually really empowered to start changing your behaviors. And you could find something alternative that's going to do the same thing, but arguably in a more helpful way. Now, that freedom exercise, which contains those three Fs, is a very powerful exercise that you can also use for other behaviors that you're trying to cut back on in your life, whether it be alcohol, online shopping, or too much time doom scrolling on your phone in the evenings. Now, I want to make a really important point about that exercise. Each one of the three Fs is not, in my view, equally important. The most important one is the first one.

• 45:40Rangan Chatterjee?

  As soon as you ask yourself that first F, what am I really feeling? That's when you start to understand yourself. That's the most important one. You are developing awareness. And without awareness, it's very hard to make long lasting change. Even if you can't change what you do, if you just become aware that, oh, I'm really, really stressed and sugar's helping me manage that stress, simply knowing that and being aware of it will start to change your relationship immediately with that behavior. You may not be able to change it immediately, but the next time you're on the sofa and you're faced with the same choice.

• 46:24Rangan Chatterjee?

  I can tell you because I've experienced it and I've seen it with many patients. You are much less likely to engage because you now start to understand why that behaviour is there. So this is really, really powerful. I'd highly encourage you to go through that three F process with any behaviour that you're trying to cut back on in your life and see what comes up for you. There are many other exercises that relate to this idea within my new book, Make Change That Lasts, because this is so, so important. Every single behaviour plays a role in your life. You'll never change the behaviour in the long term unless you understand what role it serves.

• 47:08Rangan Chatterjee?

  Idea number four, make sure you are working on the right things. Okay, the theme for this episode is how do we make changes that actually last? One of the reasons why we struggle to make changes that last in the long term is because we're actually working on the wrong things. So I think at this time of year, it's really important that you redefine success for yourself. What does success actually look like? Are the new behaviours and habits you're trying to bring into your life the right ones? Are they going to get you to where you want to go?

• 47:49Rangan Chatterjee?

  In the last episode, I shared this idea that many of us these days are overly reliant on busyness. There's a whole chapter on this in my new book. It's such an important thing. People are overly busy, they're chronically stressed out, they're always rushing. And they don't always need me, that's the key. I understand that some people have got challenging lives and maybe have no choice but to be really busy. But many of us don't actually need to be as busy as we currently are. And I think a lot of the time it's because we haven't actually taken the time to define what is truly important. Remember, idea number one in this episode is about trusting yourself.

• 48:34Rangan Chatterjee?

  And in that section, I mentioned how it's so important to have a daily practice of solitude. Unless you have some quiet time each day to tune into yourself and listen to yourself, you're going to really struggle to make the correct decisions in your life. You're going to struggle to make the right choices. And I think that idea plays into this one about working on the right things. If you don't take a better time to zoom out and take that big picture look on your life, I think you may well find yourself struggling later on in the year. You may well have climbed the mountain and got to the top, but were you actually on the right mountain in the first place?

• 49:19Rangan Chatterjee?

  Much better to take a pause, take some time and make sure your goal is the correct one before you start figuring out how you might go about achieving it. So what does success look like to you? You may have heard me previously say that many of us confuse happiness with success. And these days, when I think about that idea, I very much feel that the biggest disease in society is the disease of more. More money, more status, more holidays, more things is going to make me happy.

• 50:02Rangan Chatterjee?

  When for most people, it simply is not the case. Again, I recognize that how you interpret this advice is going to depend on the current state of your life. If you don't have much money and you're struggling to make ends meet, yes, I do understand that you may have to work hard at the moment to make that money, to make progress in your life. I understand that. The point I'm trying to make is that many of us are working harder than we need to. And by doing so, we're sacrificing a lot of the truly important things in life. So the way I articulate this in my new book is to think about some of the basic human needs, right? What does success actually look like to you?

• 50:46Rangan Chatterjee?

  And while it's true that everyone has different lives with different pressures, we also have a lot in common. So everyone has a basic need for inputs that are not related to our work.

• 51:00Rangan Chatterjee?

  We need time with family and friends, time to cook and eat properly, time to exercise, time to think, time to be in nature, time to pursue our hobbies and passions, and also time to rest. I believe that a successful life is a life that is broad rather than narrow. And it's a life where the whole range of our basic human needs are fulfilled, at least to a minimum degree. So what are those basic human needs? Well, for me, they boil down to five things. Work, family, friendship, health, and passions.

• 51:44Rangan Chatterjee?

  Now, each of these five needs are like separate fuel tanks. In a perfect life, each tank would always be full. But the reality is, it's really hard to achieve. I think for many of us, especially if we live in the modern capitalist world, in an urban setting in the West, actually, I think many people find this really, really hard to achieve. You cannot keep all of those tanks filled up consistently all the time. And I think that's okay. Life has different seasons. In each season, we're going to find ourselves prioritizing certain fuel tanks. In our early twenties, for example, we may choose to prioritize our career

• 52:28Rangan Chatterjee?

  at the expense of time with our partner and pursuing our hobbies and passions. In our thirties, we may end up focusing more on young children if we choose to have them. And consequently, we may not see our friends as much as we might like to. In our forties, we may realize that we neglected our friendships or some of our passions and start prioritizing them more, et cetera, et cetera. In our fifties, sixties, seventies, and eighties. As we go through life, the demands that are made on us will change. We'll find ourselves making trade-offs as we focus on one or two of these tanks more than the others. I think that is fine, as long as you're aware that you are making trade-offs.

• 53:11Rangan Chatterjee?

  If you neglect one of these tanks for too long... That's when the problems start to arise. That's when we see burnout. Burnout is reaching epidemic proportions in many different countries around the world. And often, people are working harder than they need to. Because they believe that more work, more promotion, more success is going to make them happy. But they often don't realise that they're prioritising one of the five important buckets. And by over prioritising work, they're often neglecting those other four.

• 53:54Rangan Chatterjee?

  You may have heard me talk on this podcast before with Bronnie Ware, the palliative care nurse who wrote the book, The Five Regrets of the Dying. She spent many years as a palliative care nurse, sitting with people and helping them at the end of their lives. And a lot of them would say the same things. "I wish I'd worked less. I wish I spent more time with my friends and family. I wish I'd allowed myself to be happy. I wish I'd lived my life and not the life that other people expected of me." So what can you learn from those deathbed regrets? You can learn a lot if you really pay attention. And I believe that this five bucket model is a very simple way for you to start looking at your life.

• 54:39Rangan Chatterjee?

  So before you jump straight in and make some new year's resolutions and think about what you want to bring into your life this year, just take a step back and start to ask yourself, well, what does success really look like? Go through each of those five buckets. Work, sure, work is important. I'm not trying to say that it's not. But have you got the right balance? Are you sacrificing your relationships at the altar of your job? Do you need to? Some people probably do. That is true. I accept that. But a lot of us don't.

• 55:20Rangan Chatterjee?

  One of my favourite phrases that I think about often is from the Tao Te Ching. "True wealth is knowing what is enough." Do you have enough? Do you really need to keep pushing for more?

• 55:38Rangan Chatterjee?

  These are important questions. They're sometimes uncomfortable questions, but they're very necessary questions. If you want to make changes in your life that actually last, you've got to make sure that you're focusing and prioritising the right things. So what I'd really love you to do is go through each of these five buckets, work, family, friendship, health and passions, and ask yourself, how topped up is this bucket? Is there a good reason why it's not topped up? Is there an end in sight? Maybe, for example, you've got three months of really hard work. It's important for your job, there's a deadline there, and you know that over those three months, there's going to be some sacrifices.

• 56:23Rangan Chatterjee?

  You're perhaps not going to see your friends as much as you want. Maybe you're not going to see your family as much as you might want, or engage in your passions, but you know that there's an end point. The problem is, many of us don't think about these things, and those three months turn into three years and then three decades. You see, the amount of patients I've seen over the years who got sick in huge part because of chronic stress. They kept pushing. They kept thinking that they were superhuman. They could keep going on. And somehow they were immune to the laws of biology. But you can't get away with it forever.

• 57:08Rangan Chatterjee?

  There is always a cost at some point to be paid. The question is, at what point will you pay it? That's why I really want you to spend time thinking about these five buckets. Work, family, friendship, health and passions. It's okay to neglect a couple of them for a short period of time, if you know you're doing it. But all five of them are really, really important. I mentioned work, of course, work is important for a variety of different reasons. It can give us a sense of purpose in the world, depending on what job we're doing. It, of course, provides us with money to help live our life, put food on the table, support our family, whatever it might be. But let's think about those next two buckets, family and friendship.

• 57:54Rangan Chatterjee?

  These are about our relationships. We know full well that the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. And actually, when there are problems in your relationships, that is a huge source of stress in your life. At the same time, if you're stressed, having those nourishing relationships there is going to help you. Are you neglecting your relationships? Are you working too much? Can you change that? Can you ring fence some time each week for your family and your friendships?

• 58:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  Remember in the last episode, when I was talking about busyness, I shared my anti-business question that I suggest you ask yourself every single morning, what is the most important thing I have to do today? And I explained in that episode that what is so powerful about that question is that in a world where our to-do lists are never done, we decide and state every morning what is the most important thing that needs to get done that day, and then we go and do it. Well, looking at these five buckets, looking at those two relationship buckets, family and friendship, through that lens is also really important.

• 59:15Rangan Chatterjee?

  So much of the time, it's only when our to-do lists are done that we focus on what really, really matters. Relationships matter. So how are you prioritizing your relationships? Because if we think about this through the lens of making changes that actually last, and if we think about the previous idea, which is that every single behavior in your life serves a role, if you're neglecting your relationships and you feel a bit isolated and disconnected from the people around you, you're going to compensate for that with your behaviors. That might be why you're having a bit of extra sugar, or a bit of extra alcohol, or

• 59:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  staying at work so late because there's problems in the relationships back at home. Right, so you can't look at any one of these things in isolation. This is one of the big ideas in my new book. All of these behaviours play a role. If you're not nourishing each one of these five buckets, you will compensate for that in other areas of your life. You will compensate for that often with problematic behaviours. We focus too much on the behaviours without understanding the role that those behaviours play in our life. So what is it you could do about your relationships? You know, instead of having five or six different health goals this year,

• 1:00:44Rangan Chatterjee?

  I'm not saying don't do them, I'm saying, well, maybe you need a relationship goal instead of one of those health goals. Maybe you drop it back to only three health goals and make sure you've got two relationship goals in there. Maybe it's some ring fence time each weekend with your family. Maybe it's a date night with your partner. Maybe it's a long hike every Sunday without phones with your entire family. Maybe it's regular meetups with your friends. These things are just as important for your health as meditating, eating unprocessed foods and moving your body. I'm not saying these things are not important, of course they are. But let's look at all of these five buckets and make sure they're all being nourished.

• 1:01:30Rangan Chatterjee?

  What about that fifth bucket, passion? Why is that important? Well, A, passion is enjoyable, but it's also really good for you. There's research showing us that regularly doing things that you love makes you more resilient to stress. At the same time, being chronically busy and stressed makes it harder for you to experience pleasure in those day-to-day things. It works both ways. So look at these five buckets. Identify which bucket is currently not being topped up and think about a few simple ways that you can start addressing that. Idea number five, get good at saying no.

• 1:02:14Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay, making positive changes in your life that actually last is not only about bringing things that you want in, it's also about saying no to the things that are no longer serving you. If you're able to cut out what is unimportant, the things that are most important will naturally start to happen more. But to do this, you simply have to learn the skill of saying no. But this is something that many people find really, really hard. So how do you find it? Are you someone who finds it easy to say no? Or are you someone

• 1:02:55Rangan Chatterjee?

  who finds it really challenging? You see, the problem is, if you find this difficult, and you don't do anything about it, your inability to say no means that you are inadvertently saying yes to so many things, and often, those are things that are not actually serving you. If you're someone who is constantly saying yes, even if you don't realise you're saying yes, and is constantly doing things for others at the expense of yourself, you may have an overreliance on being liked. This is what chapter three of my new book

• 1:03:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  is all about. It's called Be Yourself, and it's basically about this overreliance that many of us have on being liked. I certainly had it for many years, for many, many years, but thankfully, I've now managed to change that. Well, I simply don't anymore. If you have an overreliance on being liked by others, this can be toxic and massively get in the way of you making long-lasting change for two different reasons. Firstly, if we are continuously putting other people's needs ahead of our own, anger and resentment start to build up. Anger and resentment are actually really bad for our health in a variety of

• 1:04:21Rangan Chatterjee?

  different ways that I talk about in chapter three. When you're feeling a lot of anger and resentment because you were unable to say no, so you effectively said yes, it drives you to many unhelpful behaviours. If you're not feeling good in yourself, you know, if you're feeling anger and resentment, you're building up that emotional stress within yourself that I spoke about in the last episode, episode 505. And it's that invisible emotional stress that is often driving our unhelpful behaviours. Just think about it. If you're feeling angry and you're not feeling good in yourself and you feel resentment, it's much more likely that you're going to consume a bit of extra sugar, extra alcohol.

• 1:05:06Rangan Chatterjee?

  You're going to spend a few hours doom scrolling online. It's your way of trying to neutralise that emotional stress, that internal stress that you're feeling. So this is one of the main reasons why people are struggling to make changes that last. They get to New Year and they're thinking about, oh, I want to move my body more, I want to eat better. Hey, these things are all great, right? And I'm not saying you shouldn't do them. But what I'm trying to say in this episode and in my new book is if you don't get to the root cause of your behaviours, you're never going to change them in the long term. Okay, so I mentioned an inability to say no is firstly bad for your health because

• 1:05:48Rangan Chatterjee?

  anger and resentment build up within you, which drives you to unhelpful behaviours. But also, if you are continuously doing things for others at the expense of yourself, very simply, you don't have time to rest. You don't actually have time to work on your health because all that time has been eaten up by you doing things for others. So why is it that so many of us struggle to say no? Well, there's many different reasons, but in this episode, I want to share with you what I consider to be two of the most important reasons. Number one, I think we often struggle to say no because we are unclear on what our priorities are. So because you don't have that clarity...

• 1:06:33Rangan Chatterjee?

  You end up saying yes to things that you really shouldn't do. Okay, so that five bucket exercise I mentioned a few minutes ago in idea number four, where you look at your life and you assess each of those five buckets, it can be really helpful. That's why in that idea, I was saying, don't just jump into new habits and behaviours. Really make sure that you're working on the right things. So for example, in fact, let me use an example from my life. When I looked at those buckets a few years ago, I realised that that family bucket was one that I really wanted to prioritise. So I made myself a rule that year that I was not going to do any weekend speaking engagements.

• 1:07:15Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay, so I get, we all have different jobs, we all have different pressures and things that we are able to say yes or no to. I do understand that. For me, in my job, I get invited to speak at a lot of different places. For companies, to schools, at various health events. And because I really want to help people, I used to say yes to all of them. But I realised it came at a cost, it came at a cost to me and my wellbeing. But it also came at the cost of spending time with my family. So I made a decision a few years ago that barring exceptional circumstances, I was not going to say yes to any weekend speaking engagement.

• 1:07:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  And actually, by having that clarity at the start of the year, it made it really easy to act on that. If a weekend speaking engagement came in, it was like, yeah, this is a no. And I learnt the skill of saying what Greg McKeown calls a grace or no. Right, he talks about a no that you say firmly, resolutely, yet gracefully. And that's something where we often struggle when we say no. We're a bit defensive, we haven't got clear on our priorities. So like, oh, you know, I would love to do it, but this, you know, we're sort of faffing our answer. Instead of just going, hey, listen, thank you so much for the invitation. It sounds like an amazing event, I would have loved to have done it.

• 1:08:40Rangan Chatterjee?

  But actually, I don't do weekend speaking events because that's the time I spend with my family. When you learn how to say no gracefully, it is amazing how much respect you get from other people and how much they accept what you have to say. What I've learnt is that when I used to say no, I used to say a sort of defensive no, where I was sort of trying to fudge it. And I was so reliant on being liked by other people. I didn't want people to not like me. So I wouldn't say no in that firm, resolute, graceful way. So you can learn how to do that. It does take a bit of time, but I think it's one of the most important things that you can do. And as I say, one of the things that's going to help you

• 1:09:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  is by getting clear on what your priorities are. The second reason I believe that so many of us struggle to say no is because of a fear of rejection. We're so keen on being liked by other people. Now, I get it, we're social animals. Okay, we want to be liked by others. But it's when the balance shifts too much, it's the over-reliance on being liked by others at the expense of ourself that I'm talking about. That's when it becomes really, really problematic. And so what we're talking about really is excessive people-pleasing. If you've listened to my podcast for a while, you will know that I describe myself these days

• 1:10:09Rangan Chatterjee?

  as a people-pleaser in recovery. And actually, at the start of chapter three of my new book, I share quite openly some of the challenges I faced with people-pleasing when I started dating Vid, my now-wife. I remember in those early days of dating, I thought the way to make her like me was to give her everything that she wanted. And we'd go out on dates. And if she couldn't decide between two dishes to order from the menu, I would say, just order them both and I'll have the one that you don't like. But to my surprise and confusion, this kind of behaviour actually began to frustrate her. What I realised is that she didn't want me to simply please her by saying all the

• 1:10:50Rangan Chatterjee?

  right things. She wanted a man who knew his own mind. But the truth is, when you're a people pleaser, when you're an excessive people pleaser, you often don't know your own mind. I was so habituated to changing who I was to avoid rejection from other people, I wasn't even conscious I was doing it. And I suspect that some of you listening to this podcast right now are in the same boat. But here's the thing, if you continually rely on other people's assessments of you to feel good, you're never going to be free.

• 1:11:31Rangan Chatterjee?

  Ultimately, if someone doesn't like you or disagrees with something you said or did, it's out of your control. What you can control are your actions and values. And the truth is, sometimes people won't agree with them, or they'll see the world differently. Remember in the last episode, I mentioned how important it is to learn the skill of not taking offence. I shared in that episode that nothing is inherently offensive. It can't be. If it was, everyone would get offended to the same thing. Now, there's something within us that's been activated from the comments or the action of someone else. And once you learn that, you realise that, oh, I have the power to choose to not take offence here. I don't

• 1:12:15Rangan Chatterjee?

  have to. I could just think, wow, that person's got a different view than I do. And you can flip that when it comes to people pleasing. Once you get really in tune with yourself and what you stand for, and you make decisions that are in alignment with who you are and who you want to be, actually, it's okay if not everyone agrees with you, or they see the world differently. That's completely okay. And actually, that will happen.

• 1:12:42Rangan Chatterjee?

  But some of us are too afraid to go there. And that's a huge problem for your health, your happiness and your relationships. So there's all kinds of practical tips in chapter three of my new book that will help you. But for the purpose of this episode, I want to talk to you a little bit about boundaries. So if people pleasing, if excessive people pleasing is something that you struggle with, you're something going to have to learn how to put up boundaries. Okay, so what is a boundary? A boundary is something that demarcates a border. So in a house, a door is a boundary. We only allow people we trust to cross it. We don't just allow anyone to come and go as they wish.

• 1:13:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  This is a healthy boundary. Okay, other forms of boundaries are those that we erect in our social lives. I can say the form of emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, material boundaries or time boundaries. Okay, so emotional boundaries might be to do with topics we don't wish to discuss in certain settings. For example, our personal life or finances might be something we don't want our partner to talk about with work colleagues or parents. Physical boundaries are to do with what constitutes appropriate physical contact. Material boundaries relate to what constitutes an appropriate use of our possessions and belongings. And time boundaries relate to when we choose to give ourself to others.

• 1:14:09Rangan Chatterjee?

  But the thing about boundaries is if you are not accustomed to putting up boundaries, if you've never done it before, it can actually feel really, really uncomfortable, especially at first. You may feel that you're letting people down or upsetting them or somehow appearing unreasonable. There can even be a bit of pushback from others who are not used to you asserting your authentic self. That's a really important point. Okay, when you start to change, when you learn how to say a powerful yet graceful no. Some people who are used to the older version of you may not like that.

• 1:14:51Rangan Chatterjee?

  But you have to have that self-confidence to go, no, that's okay. It's much more important that I learn how to be authentic to myself and put my own needs first. If you're someone who's always giving in to other people's demands.

• 1:15:09Rangan Chatterjee?

  When you start putting yourself first, they may feel confused and frustrated. And actually, I think it's really important to not be too harsh with those people. They're simply responding to who you used to be, not who you are in the process of becoming. In the short term, yes, this can result in a bit of tension and distance. But over time, I promise you, it can often be the stimulus for positive change. When the people around you start to see you establish appropriate boundaries, they're also inspired to be able to do the same thing for themselves. If you want to make changes that actually last in your life,

• 1:15:54Rangan Chatterjee?

  you actually need to become okay with being disliked. The cost of trying to be liked by everyone is that we end up not liking ourselves. We lose touch with who we are as we perform our life instead of living it. Another key point to make is that a lack of boundaries also invites a lack of respect from other people, which then makes us angry and volatile as we feel that everyone else is treating us as a lesser being and pushing us around. We blame them for what's happening instead of realizing that the root of the problem lies within us.

• 1:16:36Rangan Chatterjee?

  When we rediscover our boundaries, we rediscover who we are. When we communicate our boundaries to others, we begin to consciously live as who we are. The angrieness and the blaming disappears and we start to get respect from other people and we start to respect ourselves. Okay, so as I mentioned, chapter three in my new book is dedicated to this entire topic. How can you be yourself more? How can you break free from your over reliance on being liked? And in that chapter, there were loads of exercises and ideas to help you move forward with this. I wanted to share with you one of those exercises now.

• 1:17:22Rangan Chatterjee?

  Which is really a series of questions to get you thinking. Okay, so remember, the big idea here is that if we struggle to say no when it's necessary that we do so, we're going to struggle to make meaningful changes in our life that actually last. Okay, so if you're someone who does struggle to say no, then I want you to have a little think about the following few questions. Okay. Where in your life do you struggle to say no?

• 1:17:53Rangan Chatterjee?

  Ask yourself, why? What are you afraid of?

• 1:17:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  What's the worst thing that you think will happen if you say no?

• 1:18:04Rangan Chatterjee?

  What's the best thing that will happen if you say no?

• 1:18:08Rangan Chatterjee?

  What's the most likely thing that will happen if you say no?

• 1:18:15Rangan Chatterjee?

  If someone making unreasonable demands of you, if so, it may well be that a boundary has been crossed. And when you feel calm, see if you can clearly communicate that with the other person.

• 1:18:31Rangan Chatterjee?

  Is the demand they're making on you actually reasonable? If so, meditate on why it feels like a boundary for you. If you ultimately decide that you still don't want to do it, once you're feeling calm and you process your emotions, try and explain it clearly to the other person.

• 1:18:55Rangan Chatterjee?

  Now, I think this is a really key point.

• 1:18:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  As you learn the skill of saying no, as you learn the skill of putting up appropriate boundaries, you really want to get clear on what you're saying before you actually say it. A lot of the time, we try and communicate these ideas to someone else when we're feeling emotionally volatile or emotionally triggered. And the truth is, it never goes well at that point because people can pick up on your energy. That's why I'm a big fan of practical exercises like this one and many others that I share in the book, which allow you to work on this, work on why it is that you struggle. What is coming up inside of you? You know, these questions are really, really helpful. They help you understand yourself better.

• 1:19:45Rangan Chatterjee?

  And over time, I promise you, what happens is that you then get clear on what it is you stand for, what it is that you want, and then you're able to calmly and gracefully say no in a much more effective way. Now, before we finish off this idea, I just want to make a quick point that I see a lot at the moment. It's really crucial that with all these ideas that we don't take them too far. So some boundaries, such as appropriate physical contact, yes, should never be crossed. But we must be really mindful that we don't allow healthy boundary building to become an excuse for being selfish and uncooperative with others.

• 1:20:27Rangan Chatterjee?

  In my view, not all boundaries have to be rigid and impenetrable. It's much better if we allow them to be porous. If someone is truly in need, for example, you may well be prepared to make exceptions and allow certain boundaries to be crossed. I think that's okay. In my experience, there is rarely such a thing as a perfect boundary that is static and holds true in every situation. So play around with this idea, right? Ask yourself those questions. Start practicing. You're not going to get it perfect straight away. It's a skill that you can develop and like all skills, it takes time.

• 1:21:09Rangan Chatterjee?

  If you spent your whole life only doing things for others at the expense of yourself, it's not going to happen overnight. But I hope that some of the ideas in this podcast and some of the ideas that I explore further in my new book are going to help you change that.

• 1:21:30Rangan Chatterjee?

  So I hope you enjoyed listening to this special New Year's episode. The key point is that long lasting change is available to everyone. I've seen it with my patients time and time again. You can make changes that last if you get to the root cause. Quick summary of the ideas I've discussed in this episode. The importance of listening to your body, the three key rules of habit formation, the importance of understanding the role of each behaviour in your life, the benefits of assessing the five different buckets of a well-rounded, successful life, and the importance of being able to say no.

• 1:22:14Rangan Chatterjee?

  I hope you found those ideas useful if you want to learn more about them and many more different ideas that will help you with your health, happiness and relationships. Please do check out my brand new book, Make Change That Lasts. Nine Simple Ways to Break Free From the Habits That Hold You Back, which is finally available now. If you have ever got any value from my podcast over the years, I really think you are going to enjoy this book. And I honestly believe it is the most important book that I've written to date. And it is now available all over the world in paperback, ebook and as an audiobook, which I am narrating.

• 1:22:57Rangan Chatterjee?

  A few previous podcast guests who you may know well have already read the book and have given really wonderful testimonials. Dr. Gabor Maté has said, "Rangan's finest work yet, an astute, stimulating and eminently practical guide to healthy living." Jay Shetty has said, "This book is Rangan's most insightful, inspiring and transformative book to date." And Chris Van Tullikin, one of the earliest people to have read this book, said, "Unlike many books in this genre, it's not about conquering the world. Instead, I felt gently led towards discarding habits and mindsets that erode blocks to the person I hope I am, or that I think I can be."

• 1:23:43Rangan Chatterjee?

  Really touching quotes from previous guests on this podcast. Just a quick note, if you do pick up a copy of my new book, you can get access to a brand new PDF worksheet that I have just created to help you learn and implement the lessons in each of the chapters. This free worksheet contains reflective questions for all nine chapters in the book, which have been designed to help you dive deeper into the book and explore its topics more thoughtfully. All you have to do is pick up a copy of my book, head to my website, drchatterjee.com, enter in your order number and email address

• 1:24:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  to get hold of the worksheet straight away. And before you go, I just want to let you know about an exclusive January offer. If you want to listen to every episode without having to hear any of the adverts, you can do so with an Apple subscription. We're extending the free trial from seven days to 30 days. So if you want to take advantage of this offer and support the podcast and enjoy every single episode advert free for an entire year, just go to the Apple Podcast app and subscribe. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you have a wonderful start to the new year.

• 1:25:08Rangan Chatterjee?

  And always remember, you are the architect of your own health. Making life's on change is always worth it. Because when you feel better, you live more.