Caller: “I’m Not Included in My Husband’s Inheritance”

📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose husband hid his inheritance from her A wife grappling with the aftermath of her husband’s constant cheating A woman who can’t face her husband’s ex-wife Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products.[AP1] Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I approach my husband about his lies and about an inheritance that he will not spend on us or our household? When I try to talk about just like the kids or whatever, he usually says, you know, you're ruining my day. I'm trying to have a good day.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 0:35Dr. John Delony?

  I'm so glad you're with us. There's about 11 trillion podcasts, 11, 12 trillion YouTube shows, and y'all picked this one. And I'm grateful for your time, grateful for you guys all pulling up a seat and either joining us on the show or just, just being a voyeur, just listening to other people, real people going through real stuff in their lives. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes. And we're going to talk about your marriages and your kids and your relationships and your mental and emotional health. We're going to talk about all of it. So anything you got going on, give me a, well, don't give me a call, click the link because it's the 21st century now and we'll get you on the show.

• 1:16Dr. John Delony?

  And one thing I want to also tell you about the link in the show notes here. One of the most common challenges I hear from folks is we are living roommate lives. This is folks in, who are married, romantic relationships, we are roommates and we are living parallel lives. We love each other. We, most of our communication is about logistics and we are just running in parallel. We, we make sure the kids get where they need to be. We make sure our bills get paid and we miss us. And this sounds super simple and almost counterintuitive, but if you distill it all the way down, one of the greatest gifts you can give each other and yourselves and your marriage is to have a weekly check in.

• 2:00Dr. John Delony?

  How are you? Here's how I'm doing. What do we have coming up this week? Like being honest, choosing reality about the week ahead of you. What's on the calendar? Have we put us on this calendar? Are we prioritizing you and me? What do we have to pay for this week? What's coming up money wise, right? So I've created, it's a quick PDF download. It's just a weekly check in guide. You can get it in the show notes. It's free and costs you anything. It's just, it's just from me to you. But this is something similar that me and my wife use every week of our lives and it just keeps us not living parallel, keeps the, us in one train, on one track, moving towards the world we want to build together.

• 2:45Dr. John Delony?

  So check it out. All right, let's go to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Annie. Hey, Annie, what's up?

• 2:51Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for speaking with me today.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  And helping me sort out some things.

• 2:58Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for calling. I'm great, I'm grateful. What's up?

• 3:01Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm nervous, so.

• 3:03Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I'm glad you're here.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you. I'm glad I'm here too. Okay. So do you want my question first?

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, go for it.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Okay. How do I approach my husband about his lies and about an inheritance that he will not spend on us or our household, but plans to give to his two children and our two children after he passes? He avoids talking with things about, with me. And I can give you a little background if you want it.

• 3:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, sure.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  I'm shaking.

• 3:45Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good. You're good. You're good. I'm glad you're here. How long have y'all been married?

• 3:51Speaker 00

  33, 33 years.

• 3:52Dr. John Delony?

  33 years. Okay. And he has two other kids from previous relationship?

• 3:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. He was married a few times before me.

• 4:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But your third time was the charm. You, you hung in there.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  I'm the fourth.

• 4:07Dr. John Delony?

  Fourth time was the charm. All right. All right.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  Well, it's not really charming.

• 4:11Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um, so, but, but before we, before we dig into this, this inheritance conversation, like back out of it with me, because right now you're right square in the middle of it and it feels super heavy. Back out of it with me and let's just look at it from a distance. Okay. At this thing called your 33 year marriage and this guy that's sharing this 33 year marriage with you. What are some things he for sure will not talk about? Forget the inheritance part. What are things that you've wanted to talk to him about for years that he's just like not having that conversation?

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Well, he, I catch him in lies.

• 4:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Tell me about those.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Well, oh God, this is a whole nother thing, but.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  I bet it's not another thing. I bet it's all kind of wound up and jumbled together.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  We have a son who died five years ago.

• 5:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  He was 26 and it was a very sudden thing. It was like an undiagnosed medical condition.

• 5:17Dr. John Delony?

  What was his name?

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Frank, Frankie.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  Frankie. Good kid.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Frank, Frank the Tank.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Frank the Tank. There you go.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  He was cool. He was really cool and he was a good kid. He was a good person.

• 5:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  And so he died five years ago and that's kind of when things started going haywire. Okay. Um, so he was our middle child and it, he started, it started going nuts after that because as soon as he died, I, I was going to keep his pickup truck and drive it. And my husband had other ideas and he took pickup truck and gave it to his grandson from his first marriage. And then they, I wanted to keep it and he, he like just pressured me. You, you need to, I want to give it to our grandson, blah, blah, blah.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  And I'm like, okay. And I finally gave in because of the pressure. And the grandson crashed it up, of course, because he just turned 16. And he and his son and the daughter-in-law all lied to me for four months and didn't tell me they crashed up the car.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  And.

• 6:39Dr. John Delony?

  So give, give me another example of conversations you want to have and it's his, we're the highway.

• 6:46Speaker 00

  And yeah, he won't talk. He won't talk about that. When I try to talk about just like the kids or whatever and my thoughts, he usually says, you know, you're ruining my day. I'm trying to have a good day type thing. So we're not really allowed to talk about anything.

• 7:07Dr. John Delony?

  But that, that wasn't just five years ago when Frankie passed. That's been that way forever.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  No. Yeah. It's been that way forever, since the beginning.

• 7:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  You know, I, I guess I always thought he was truthful with me, but he's not.

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  But you, you wanted him to be truthful.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I've always, you know, I always thought, well, we're adults, we talk about things type thing, but.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right. But, but also, and here's what I'm trying to do, I'm, I'm intentionally trying to be gentle, but I want to pop the bubble that has been the fantasy for 33 years.

• 7:40Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:41Dr. John Delony?

  And it's, my guess is, and I love being wrong, so tell me if I'm wrong. My guess is, um, you've been an accessory to the life he has wanted to live for 33 years.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so.

• 8:00Dr. John Delony?

  A very important accessory, but y'all haven't co-built anything. He has.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:06Dr. John Delony?

  Done what he wanted to do and you've lived there.

• 8:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And so there's two parts to that. One is I hate that for you and I actually hate that for him because his life would have been deeply enriched by, by co-creating a world, not just having his own way. But the other part of it is, and this is the ownership part is really important.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  You've, you've put up with that. You've chosen that for 33 years.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  I've always had a hard time advocating for myself.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. All right. And so that's not a thing to feel ashamed about or to feel like downtrodden about or I don't want it to become yet another thing you're disappointed in yourself about. But there is something important to say, I have done X, Y, or Z for 33 years and here's where the fork in the road comes. This is the life I signed up for. This is the life I have participated in. And so this is the life I have or as of today, this ends and it's going to come with a lot of disruption. Either one of those paths is hard.

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  So it's not a matter of I'm going to take the easy road or the high road. I mean, the easy road or the, the difficult one. It's both of these paths are hard.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 9:22Dr. John Delony?

  So when it comes to this inheritance, how much money are we talking? Just.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 9:26Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you don't even know? Okay.

• 9:28Speaker 00

  It's less than a million. I know that.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that could be a $25,000 or it could be $950,000. That's, that's a big swing, right?

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Well, it's over a couple hundred thousand.

• 9:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. How is your, um, what's the state of, of your family finances? Do you know how much you have in retirement? Do you know if your, if your husband dropped dead today, do you know what would happen next?

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Well, I'd get his social security. He's older than I am.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:53Speaker 00

  And he's like about 11 years older than I am.

• 9:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:58Speaker 00

  And I would get his social security and his pension. And then I have some, I always worked part-time and so I don't have as much as he does, but I've, I mean, I have it in investments, what I do have, because I was, I grew up in a really large family, like of 10 kids. So my parents taught us how to be really frugal and safe. So that's really good.

• 10:26Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge is.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  Even the way you just talked about what happens after he passes,

• 10:37Dr. John Delony?

  you've always been on your own inside this marriage, and so is he.

• 10:41Dr. John Delony?

  He has his money, you've got yours. He has his retirement, you've got yours. He's got his nest egg, and he's gonna decide what he wants to do with it, which doesn't include you. And you've got yours, and you'll make do with what's left.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Pretty much.

• 10:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've always been kind of on my own. I travel alone. I go places alone.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's where all of this is dynamically linked to the question you asked me.

• 11:12Dr. John Delony?

  He has never cared what you think about his money, as he sees it.

• 11:19Dr. John Delony?

  In my house, if and when my aging parents pass away, and my wife's aging parents pass away, neither of our families have a lot.

• 11:30Dr. John Delony?

  But whatever small inheritance we might or might not get, it's ours. It would go into the same account, and we would decide what happens next. You get what I'm saying? Like, the structure you have built for 33 years is foreign to me.

• 11:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so here's what I...

• 11:51Dr. John Delony?

  At this point, you're not gonna change him. Is that fair?

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Right. I've actually thought about spending some time... I'm at my girlfriend's house right now. I'm spending some time here. And I was out the door one time after my son's truck was smashed, and they lied to me. And my sister said, "Don't leave. Go see a counselor." And, well, it takes months to go see a counselor to get in. So, you know, by that time, you're getting along again, and talking again, and stuff like that about things. But, I mean, not talking about the actual thing that happened, but...

• 12:35Dr. John Delony?

  You're not getting along. You're a peacemaker. You're not a peacemaker, you're a peacekeeper. And so getting along in your house is, you figure out how to squash the fears you have, the anxieties you have, the questions you have, the connection you want so badly with this guy.

• 12:56Dr. John Delony?

  That's not getting along.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  That's dying inside.

• 13:04Dr. John Delony?

  So that y'all can plop down next to each other on the couch. And I don't want you to get off this call saying that I'm telling you to do something different. If that's the life you've got, that's what you know, and that's the life you're choosing, then the path forward is, he's got his inheritance, he's never gonna ask your opinion on it, he's never gonna consider this a joint decision, and so I'm not gonna lose a second of sleep over it. Because any amount of angst, any amount of frustration, any amount of anger I have is not gonna change the final outcome, and it's just a choice for me to be miserable.

• 13:41Dr. John Delony?

  If you're gonna leave him, and you wanna start talking about splitting up assets, and whose is what, and while he was out working all those years, you were at home raising the kids, and y'all wanna sell the house and divide everything up, now you got another conversation to have.

• 13:56Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because legally, part of that inheritance might be yours. And so...

• 14:01Speaker 00

  No, it won't be.

• 14:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, depending on what state you're in, and how it all shakes out. And so, that's what I'm saying. If you're not gonna leave, and you're here... How old are you right now?

• 14:14Speaker 00

  I just turned 60.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, 60. So, and he's 71, so he may have two more years left, he may have 10 more, he may have 20 more years left. All right? And so, is what it is, what it is. Maybe that inheritance puts him into long-term care at some point. Maybe that inheritance makes sure y'all have food on the table when he's going through whatever medical challenges he has in the last decade of his life.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  Who knows? Who knows?

• 14:43Speaker 00

  It'd be nice to go on a vacation.

• 14:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but here's the thing. He's never gone on a vacation with you.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  And so, there's not a reason to think that he would suddenly change. The only person you can change now is you. And beating your head up against the wall of, "I wish, I wish, I wish, I want, I want, I want." It's just an exercise in to give you a really bruised forehead. You get what I'm saying?

• 15:08Speaker 00

  And I've been doing that, yeah. I've been doing that, not letting things get to me.

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, no. They're gonna get to you.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  I want them to get to you, and I want you to grieve them. I want you to be sad.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  I grieve a lot.

• 15:21Dr. John Delony?

  Because husbands and wives should go on vacations together, especially when they're financially secure, and they're able to, right? And so, I don't want you to not let it get to you. Because that's you just building up a wall. Because if you build up a wall and don't let those bad feelings get in, the good ones won't get in either. I want you to grieve it, be sad. And then ask yourself, "What am I gonna do next, in light of the reality that I find myself?

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna go on that vacation. I'm gonna take two girlfriends with me."

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's pretty much.

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I'm gonna let the dream of vacations pass into the ether, and I'm gonna start a garden in my backyard." Like, I don't know what the thing is, but it's about taking action on answering that question, "What am I gonna do next?"

• 16:09Speaker 00

  I'm a very active person.

• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  I do a lot of volunteering, and I have a little job that I have, and I sing at church, and all that kind of stuff, so I consider myself very charitable when it comes down to it.

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  I agree, but...

• 16:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:29Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I want you to hear me say at the end of the day.

• 16:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  For 33 years, you've tried to plug into a guy that doesn't have an outlet. And probably for 33 years, you've wondered, "What's wrong with me?"

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:48Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to exhale and say, probably mostly nothing.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Right. I get it. I get it.

• 16:56Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  Because if you go do charitable work,

• 17:04Dr. John Delony?

  because you don't think you're lovable, and you need to do something nice,

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  then you're using the people at the charity to try to prop you up.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:16Dr. John Delony?

  If you wake up every day, and you're like, "Dude, I love myself, and I'm gonna go share some of me with my community," dude, that will be the most life-giving work you do, serving your neighbors.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  I think that's kind of my attitude with it.

• 17:30Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, awesome.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love helping people. I know that people can count on me to do stuff. And I, you know, I ask people, "Would you like some help with that? And I can help you with that." You know, I do a lot of gardening and stuff like that, so...

• 17:50Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome. That's awesome.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:52Dr. John Delony?

  And it's all right to grieve and be sad, that the one guy in the world you wanna do this stuff with, you want to do this with, he won't.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 18:01Dr. John Delony?

  He won't.

• 18:01Speaker 00

  Right. I know. Gosh, how'd you figure that out?

• 18:07Dr. John Delony?

  It's just life. It's... At a micro, micro, micro scale,

• 18:16Dr. John Delony?

  it's about 9 o'clock at night is when I get all jazzed up, and I wanna go out on the town and do something bananas. And my wife is borderline comatose.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 18:27Dr. John Delony?

  And at 5:15 AM, she is up, and like, "Let's go burn the world down," and I don't know what day it is, right?

• 18:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:35Dr. John Delony?

  And that dynamic will always exist.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 18:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so, we get to ask ourselves, "What kind of world do we wanna build with this reality?" We have amazing materials, but the home we have is on a... I mean, the land we have is on a slope, so it's gonna limit the kind of house we build. So let's make the best possible one, given that we're on the side of a mountain, right? And it can have great views, but it's not gonna have a big, crazy, sprawling backyard.

• 19:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And every day I walk outside and saying, "I want a backyard, I want a backyard." I can't change that mountain. It is.

• 19:10Speaker 00

  Right.

• 19:11Dr. John Delony?

  I can move.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Right.

• 19:13Dr. John Delony?

  The net benefit to me is so great, doing life with this one person, that I'm gonna have to grieve the fact that I wanted a big sprawling backyard, and I'm gonna move on with my life. And so, I don't wanna be dismissive, but he's never gonna talk to you about this money.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 19:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Tell me I'm wrong.

• 19:32Speaker 00

  Right.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  I think you're right.

• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

  He didn't even sit down with you and say, "Hey, we lost our son. What do we wanna do next?"

• 19:42Speaker 00

  Right.

• 19:43Dr. John Delony?

  He said, "I lost my son. Here's what I'm gonna do. You need to get over yourself." That's cruel, Annie.

• 19:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:50Dr. John Delony?

  It's cruel. And they lied to you about it.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  The lying things, I've never approached him on it, like... But I started questioning some things, and then he explodes and says, "You just keep digging. I didn't wanna tell you this, but blah, blah, blah." And I'm like...

• 20:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's called gaslighting 101. He's making you the bad guy.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:17Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not the bad guy.

• 20:19Speaker 00

  And he never apologizes. He always says, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

• 20:22Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly, exactly. So, but this isn't new. This is three and a half decades.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  Right.

• 20:30Dr. John Delony?

  And so, either say, "This is the guy that I chose, and I'm continuing to choose to do life with, and given that set of realities,

• 20:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna dig. I'm gonna go live my best life that I can. And I'll be a good version of myself here. I'll be kind, and respectful, and honorable, and all those things, right?"

• 20:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:54Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I'm gonna go do something else with my life."

• 20:58Speaker 00

  Right.

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  I might have 30 years left.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, my mom died at 61, so I'm not counting on it.

• 21:07Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, you can look at that in two ways, like, "Oh, I got one year left." Or you can say, "I'm gonna make sure I put every deposit in the taking care of myself bank. I'm gonna put every deposit in the health bank. I'm gonna get my blood work done. I'm going to laugh as much as I can. I'm gonna go try to live this life," right?

• 21:34Dr. John Delony?

  But all those are choices you get to make. I hate that you're in this situation. And I hope this call has empowered you to say, okay, these things aren't going to change. The only person that can change in this situation is me. And then you have to ask yourself that scary question. What am I going to do next? Anytime you call me, we'll pick up the phone and we'll talk. I'm grateful for you. When we come back, a woman asks how to save her marriage after her husband confessed to multiple affairs with other men. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, so the folks at BetterHelp just released their annual State of Stigma Report. It's full of all sorts of data about why people avoid getting help for their mental and emotional health challenges. And here's a data point that stood out to me when I read it.

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  More than three out of four Americans reported anxiety or depression symptoms over the previous two weeks. If that's you and you're carrying stress, symptoms of anxiety or depression, talking to someone can really help. I want you to reach out to BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with one of their 30,000-plus licensed therapists based on your goals and preferences. It's easy and it's convenient. And you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Don't let stigma stand in the way of you getting the help you need. Visit betterhelp.com/daloni and get 10% off.

• 23:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni. I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life. And life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time. And we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life. So why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest? This is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis so I can feel better in my own skin. And this is why I'm a huge fan of Joy and Blokes.

• 23:43Dr. John Delony?

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• 24:24Dr. John Delony?

  Go to joyandblokes.com/daloni and get 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J O I N B L O K E S. Joyandblokes.com/daloni. All right, let's go to Buffalo, New York and talk to Ann. Hey, Ann, what's going on?

• 24:45Speaker 02

  About a month ago, my husband, 15 years, and all of my six kids told me that they've been cheating on me for the past two years with other men. The cheating was both over like video calls and in-person hookups. So my main question for you was, can my marriage be saved? And how do I fix it? My other big question is, how do, what do my kids? How do I live a day-to-day life? You know, is there any hope? What did I do wrong? Kind of thing?

• 25:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I hate this for you.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not exactly something I, I wanted on my bingo card.

• 25:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anybody draws it up. So listening to you ask that question, here's the picture that popped into my head, okay? Your house was just, and I grew up in Houston. So this is the reference point I have. I know it's different in Buffalo. Your house just got flattened by a hurricane.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:56Dr. John Delony?

  And the question you're asking me as a first responder is, can we save that couch? Okay?

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  The, the questions you are asking are like, for somebody who's in complete and total shock, is, are, are good questions? They're right questions? They're, they, they're the questions that most people in your situation ask. And so what I want to do here is like, hold your hand and back up to the street and just look at your house. The house you had is over. So can you save your old marriage? No, that marriage is over. Can you build a new one? Maybe. But the thing that y'all had created together, you, your husband of 15 years, these six amazing kids, that thing y'all built is, doesn't exist anymore. It's gone.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so metabolizing that, letting that flow through your veins is important. Otherwise, you're going to walk around like in a stupor saying, can we save the couch? And where's the photo album? And the first responders and the lights flashing in the street are going to say like, hey, we got to get you off this site. It's not safe. Okay? So when he sat down and told you this, was it out of remorse? Was it out of this is who I am now? Give me the context for that conversation.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  So I found a picture on his phone. He told me he didn't have time to talk about it right then. He came back after work that day and he sat me down and he just filled everything. And I said, why did you tell me now? And he said, because honestly, I couldn't come up with a lie. I couldn't hide it anymore. And he just told me everything.

• 27:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And what did he tell you?

• 27:54Speaker 02

  He told me he'd been cheating on me for the past two years. He told me about every two weeks, he'd been meeting up with somebody. He, like, he just, he tried to tell me everything. Like, I, I don't know how to describe it. Like, I, I'm, I know how I reacted. I told him, thank you for telling me. And I left the house for a while. I needed some space.

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  Does, does he want to continue the relationships? Does he want to?

• 28:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 28:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Yes, we want to continue our relationship.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Does he want to continue those relationships?

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Oh, no, no, no, no.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  Did he come out and say, I'm gay? Did he come out and say, this has always been a thing for me? Did he say, like, what was his, what was his context?

• 28:46Speaker 02

  He, he told me he's been struggling with his sexuality since he was 13. That was something I knew about previously, like in, within our marriage. You know, even before we got married. But it, it never seemed to go as far as that. Like, this to me was a huge shocker that he goes, well, it was with men. I was like, wait a minute, what? Like, that was just a grenade.

• 29:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  I wasn't expecting that one.

• 29:16Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes in these conversations that I have with folks, especially behind closed doors, when we're being pretty, pretty open and raw with each other. Not always, but sometimes there's a, it's okay, because it was somebody of the same sex. Or it's a, it's okay, because this is who I really am. And I always want to come back to, I don't care who you're cheating with. Cheating is cheating. Infidelity is infidelity.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so it doesn't, for me, it doesn't matter that it wasn't his secretary. It doesn't matter that it wasn't some woman that he met down the street. The fact is, he stepped out on your marriage. And he put you in incredible risk, health-wise. And he put the stability of your family and your six kids in incredible, right? I mean, it's, it's, it's a big deal.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Well, in a, in a way, it puts his job at risk too. I mean, like, he just, he put everything at risk. In a way, I, I could feel less about me with the kids, when it's our home, when it's our community, when it's his job.

• 30:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's his job?

• 30:29Speaker 02

  I'm almost more upset about that. He's a school teacher.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Okay.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  So

• 30:43Dr. John Delony?

  trying to think of the right even place to start with you. I guess I'll walk you down as though you just were at my house right now and we're just sitting down like and you're saying, what do I do next? Okay, here's what I would do next. Number one, um, this is uncomfortable, but I would go get tested.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've already done that.

• 31:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Are you, are you clear?

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I would do another one in six months. Okay, I just put on my calendar and I would do a follow up one in six months. Um, the second thing is, is you asking yourself, is this the relationship I want to be in? And that is going to be a first question. Do I want to rebuild this thing with this man? Because if I'm going to stick in this, stick this out because I'm worried about the kids, I'm going to stick this out because I don't know what I'm going to do next. It's going to mess up everything. Trust me that everything is messed up.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  Is this a person that I can trust, knowing that he put his job on the line, he put his reputation in our small town on the line, he put, fill in whatever blanks you want to fill in? Do I want to rebuild this thing with this person?

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  The next question is, despite the fact I may want to, will I be able to? Will I do the, because you're going to have hard work too, of practicing trust again, of not looking over your shoulder every week, not walking into restaurants and wondering if he's been with any of these other men in this restaurant?

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:14Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It's a, it's a, you're going to get tired of checking his phone. You're going to feel like you have a seventh kid.

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I don't want another kid. I've got enough kid running around.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly right. And so, and he's going to have to ask himself that same question because out of the fog of getting caught, out of the fog of the, the, there's a cathartic release, that's, I'm trying to think of a non nerdy way to say that, he's going to feel better with all the secrets out. Because secrets like that will kill you. They'll eat you up from the inside out.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  But he's going to have to ask himself, does he want to live in the marriage that he has created with you? Does he want to rebuild with you? Or does he just feel real, real guilty right now? Does he not know what kind of job he's going to have?

• 33:09Dr. John Delony?

  Does he not know if he's a school teacher, he's not going to be able to split up his income half and live his life, even in a one bedroom apartment, and also give child support to six kids and alimony to a wife? Is he going to want to rebuild with you because it's going to be easier?

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I don't, yeah, I don't know that answer. Do I want it because I want to stay? It's easier for the kids? Or I want to stay because I want to stay? Like, that's a question I've been asking myself over and over and over again.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  It'll be a question that takes, yeah, that'll be a question that takes time.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right? That'll be a question that takes time. The first thing is, you got to bring in an excavation team to clear the site of the house that used to stand there.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:57Dr. John Delony?

  And that may be y'all sitting down with a marriage counselor and

• 34:03Speaker 02

  We have, we have one on the, on the calendar right now.

• 34:08Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and you would be well served to write down these hard questions that you want answered.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  Don't go to that counselor and mince any words.

• 34:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:22Dr. John Delony?

  Don't go to that counselor and say like, well, there's three or four questions I just don't want to ask, because I'm scared of the answer.

• 34:31Dr. John Delony?

  And then you have to ask yourself true questions about trust. Do you need to go get a job?

• 34:37Dr. John Delony?

  If he turns around and says, you know what, I'm out. What, what happens next? Do you all have a place to live? Do you have food for those six kids and yourself? Do you have lights? Clothes?

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  These are all questions that your nervous system is trying to solve right now. And that's why I'm saying the longer you just stare at that couch in the middle of all the rubble, the more you're, you're going to feel like you're getting dragged underwater because your body is screaming at you, hey, we're not safe, we're not safe, we got six kids.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:09Dr. John Delony?

  Or, for nervous system language, I have six kids.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:15Dr. John Delony?

  Because he blew up the we that I knew.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, definitely.

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? And here, here's, if you haven't had it yet, you're right to be overcome with anger.

• 35:34Dr. John Delony?

  And if you haven't let yourself

• 35:37Speaker 02

  They keep saying I'm going to be angry. I'm not glad he told me. I'm, I'm glad he finally respected me enough to, to voice that. I, this is kind of a matter of hate the sin, hate the, hate the sin, not the sin, type situation. I, I don't understand how I'd be mad. It, it, to me, being mad is a waste of my time and energy when I should be

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  It's a biological process.

• 36:07Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's biology.

• 36:10Dr. John Delony?

  Anger's a, anger's a tool. It's a gift. It's a, it's, it's your body pointing to something that should be different that is not.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:20Dr. John Delony?

  It's not a waste of time. Rage,

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  like self-imposed trapped rage. Some people feel rage because they are trapped.

• 36:32Dr. John Delony?

  That, that, that stinks. But choice rage, right? I'm not going to take the next right step. I'm not going to start applying for jobs. I'm not going to start reaching out to babysitters because I got six kids and I got to figure out how to make sure that at least I'm anchored to something because I don't trust you right now. I'm not going to trust you for the next couple of years because we're going to practice trust. Not doing those things and just sitting at home and stewing? Yeah, that's a waste of time.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:55Dr. John Delony?

  It's understandable, but it's, it's not, it's not fruitful. It won't get you to where you want to be, which is safe.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so I think for you all, like backing all the way out and you taking some time to write these questions down.

• 37:14Dr. John Delony?

  I, I don't know if you're just a person who doesn't get mad. I'm mad on your behalf. And I just, I just heard this story. And I don't want to force feelings and emotional responses on you. Everybody's body's different.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, I just, like I said, I'm, I'm not mad. I feel bad. I'm upset, but I'm not mad.

• 37:40Dr. John Delony?

  You're, you're, you're a different person than me. I'll tell you, I'll tell you that.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  But yeah, I, I, like I said, I'm not even sure how, my other thing is, is do I, am I supposed to even fix the marriage? It, I didn't set the grenade off. I didn't start a fire. He did.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. And that's why, like, you're, you're, the language you're using is of somebody who's still in shock, but I don't want to put that on you. You may be, you may be clear as a bell.

• 38:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 38:13Speaker 02

  No, I don't know. I mean, this is 15 years of history and then he blew it up. So I probably need a minimum of 15 more years to feel safe again.

• 38:24Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I, I mean, that math doesn't work, but I get the impulse right now. Right? And, and again, it's like your house just got blown over. The impulse is, I want to move. I don't ever want to come back to this house again. I get that. That's a right impulse. Or there's another impulse, which is equally powerful, which is, let's start rebuilding today. And you see people the day after a hurricane with a shovel, right? Like, for a job that needs a crane and a backhoe, they're out there with a shovel, like, I'm getting after it right now. Or they start trying to fix their flowers in the flower bed out front, and the house is gone. Right? Like, so your initial response, the first two weeks, three weeks, one month, two months after something like this,

• 39:02Dr. John Delony?

  give yourself grace for whatever responses your body's trying to direct you to.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  The worst thing you need right now is you saying, I should, or I have to, or I, like, right now.

• 39:15Dr. John Delony?

  Like, that's going to add extra weight in a backpack that is already real, real heavy now.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  The thing you should do is ask yourself, am I safe? Are me and my six kids safe? Do we have a place to live? Do we have lights on? Do we have money in the account?

• 39:33Dr. John Delony?

  What action steps do I need to take? Do I need to go get a job?

• 39:40Speaker 02

  I have a part-time job.

• 39:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Does that need to be a full-time job now?

• 39:45Speaker 02

  I don't know. Taking care of six kids all the time. I don't know when I'd do it.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  It will, and that's, that's why, that's why I've got such a strong visceral reaction. It's easy to say, I've got this life and I need to figure out how to deal with this madness and keep the same life I have. And that's what I'm trying to tell you. The life you have is over.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  And so trying to keep your part-time job, but also be a part-stay-at-home mom and also be super wife, over. You might, in the rebuild process, end up back in a part-time job, part-time stay-at-home with six kids, shuttling kids to and fro, or suddenly all six kids may become bus riders. And you may never go to another PTO meeting, PTA meeting again. You may miss most Little League games because you're working two jobs. Because your husband blew your life up.

• 40:50Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? This is hard and this is breaking my heart to say it like this directly. Okay.

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so instead of saying, how do I keep... dot, dot, dot? Clearing the deck in your mind and looking at a blank sheet of paper and saying, here's what must happen today. Do we have a house? Yes. Do I have this? Do I want to build this marriage? I don't know. Do I love this man? Of course. We have shared history. We have six kids together. We made humans together. Do I want to rebuild? I don't know. Even if I do want to rebuild, here's what must be true for me to even consider rebuilding with you. And then he gets to be a grown man and say, I don't want to do that. The recklessness with which he is displaying, like the lack of care he's shown for your

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  health, the lack of care he's shown for the stability and safety of your family, the recklessness with which he has cared about his own well-being. Should cause anybody to pause. And let's begin to ask ourselves some of these big, hard questions. No, you can't save the marriage it was. It doesn't exist. Do I want to rebuild with that guy? And does he want to rebuild with me? And if that, if we decide we do, here's what must be true. And you get to paint the path that he's going to walk to reestablish trust in your home. Both of you are going to have a bunch of work to do moving forward. I hate this happened to you.

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you so, so much for the call. We come back, a woman asks how to manage anxiety about being around her husband's ex-wife. We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cut well. This is why I bought my wife the culinary kitchen knives from Montana Knife Company, and it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana Knife Company knives are razor sharp, right out of the box. They're balanced and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. They're knives perfected.

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  Montana Knife Company makes their knives right here in the United States, and years of experience go into every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used, I've sent them off and got all my knives right back razor sharp again. And these knives will still be sharp when my great-grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com. All right, we're back. Hey, check out the Together app. For you folks who use Apple products, go to the App Store and get the Together app. It will transform your marriage.

• 43:52Dr. John Delony?

  And for those of y'all who are listening and you use Android devices, we're coming for you. We're still working on it. We got the engineers after it. And don't forget to hit the like or subscribe buttons for me. All right, let's go out to York, Pennsylvania and talk to Stacy's mom. It's got it going on. What's up, Stacy?

• 44:10Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. Nelloni. It's an honor and thank you for taking my call.

• 44:14Dr. John Delony?

  It's an honor to talk to you. How's it going?

• 44:16Speaker 03

  Oh, you know, pretty good. Just have a quick question for you.

• 44:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, go for it.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, how do I manage the anxiety I feel about being around my husband's ex-wife? And I also feel like I carry resentment and insecurity and dislike toward her.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, just a quick question. Just a quick question. How do I, how do I navigate this entire world I've, I've opted into? How long have you and your husband been married?

• 44:46Speaker 03

  Seventeen years.

• 44:48Dr. John Delony?

  Seventeen years. Okay.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:50Dr. John Delony?

  And how long was he married to his ex?

• 44:53Speaker 03

  About seven, and they had three children. Yeah.

• 44:58Dr. John Delony?

  Do you and him have any kids?

• 45:00Speaker 03

  We have three.

• 45:01Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so he's, he's got six kids.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  Yep, and I had one previously, so we have seven altogether.

• 45:08Dr. John Delony?

  Dang Gina. All right.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  So seventeen years. What is it about this woman that when she comes around, I'm assuming it has to do with kids and birthdays and graduations and stuff like that?

• 45:22Speaker 03

  I mean, I have some context if, you know, if I can keep on track of who it might mind. So we were invited, my husband and I, to a party my stepdaughter is having at her mother's house for her boyfriend. And my stepchildren tend to become noticeably different and distant when they're around their mom, when their mom is around us, basically altogether, almost as if they're uncomfortable engaging with us. And the boyfriend's parents will also be there, and they've already developed a relationship with my husband's ex-wife. So, and we've never met them. So I find myself dreading the event because I anticipate feeling like the outsiders, and I worry that we'll be judged or awkwardly excluded.

• 46:03Speaker 03

  And I'm trying to understand whether it's just social anxiety or insecurity, or a realistic response to a difficult family dynamic.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. My first guess out of the, like, rattle out of the bag would be, your body's working perfectly. You just identified, so there's always going to be the loyalty challenge, which is, your husband and his ex-wife's three biological kids are always going to have a tension of this woman you is the woman they spent most of their childhood with, but that's, that other lady is their mom. And any affection and kindness and love and secrets they tell you is always going to have, there's like a teeter totter inside their chest, that it's always out of whack.

• 46:53Dr. John Delony?

  And when birth mom is around, that loyalty thing comes out. And it happens even with adult kids. And so I would hope adult kids are more mature, but it's just a real thing. And so wondering why kids' bodies are acting like kids' bodies are acting, that's, I wouldn't spend time on that. Because you get to make up the story that comes next, right? You see that interaction, your husband and his, like, your three stepkids walk in the room, they lean towards their mother, your body goes, oh, and then boom, you start backfilling it with stories. I'm not enough. They love her more than me. I've never been there for them. I, I, I, right?

• 47:38Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:38Dr. John Delony?

  And then your body responds to those stories to try to protect you. And so...

• 47:45Speaker 03

  That's exactly what I was...

• 47:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so there's, the, there's a couple of paths forward. One is you can just politely opt out of the party. That's one way. That's avoiding the situation, but sometimes avoidance is not a bad thing. Right? The second thing is, is saying, I won. I got him. I've been with him for twice as long as you, and I'm going to choose to tell myself positive stories. When they start leaning towards their mom, you can exhale and say, I'm so glad they, that she's still in their life. Good for them. Because we're not, I'm not competing with you. I won.

• 48:30Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't a game between two women. And I'm going to stand there and smile. I'm not going to give away, and I'll feel awkward, that's fine. But I'm not going to outsource my sense of worth to an ex-wife of almost two decades. I'm not going to outsource my, especially not outsource my self-worth and the strength of my current marriage to my stepdaughter's boyfriend's parents. They don't get a vote in your life. You know what I mean?

• 49:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  And all of that sounds nice and good, but there's just a walking in going, oh, this is going to be uncomfortable. And so here's the two or three things I'm going to do. It gives your body a sense of, oh, you're driving, we're going through a really rough patch of road, but here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put the car in four-wheel drive, I'm going to slow way down, and I'm not going to rush through this. I'm going to take my time. Cool. Or I'm going to hit the gas and just zoom right through this, or I'm going to drive four hours out of the way so I never have to leave the main road and I'm going to stay on the pavement. You get to pick the path, right?

• 49:49Dr. John Delony?

  But you feel like, it sounds like you're trapped in a prison of shoulds and duty and stories you're telling yourself. And I guess I just want to tell you that, that prison's locked on the inside. Just turn the key and walk out.

• 50:07Speaker 03

  Okay. Yeah, I feel like that like seventeen years.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm way oversimplifying, I know. Now, there could be some, like, again, along the thesis that your body's working perfectly, does your husband still show his ex preferential treatment? Does he still lean towards her?

• 50:27Speaker 03

  No way, not at all.

• 50:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And maybe you letting him know on the front end, uh, my wife and I have all kinds of arrangements like this. We don't, I don't have an ex-wife, but all kinds of different situations she finds herself in as a virtue of being married to me. What we talk about, I want you to hold my hand. If I wink at you, I'm going to step out. If I come put my arm around you, then that's the five-minute warning that I'm at my capacity and we're, we need to go. Right? And so I'm going to pre-arrange an exit strategy, and since he's on my team, and I come first before all this other, I need to impress the, my daughter's boyfriend's parents, like,

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  before all that nonsense, um, we're going to have an exit strategy.

• 51:20Dr. John Delony?

  And again, even if you never use the exit strategy, the fact that your body knows, oh, we can leave anytime. We're adults. I think it was the comedian John Crist who told me, he's like, adults can't get in trouble. You know what I mean? Like, if you don't commit a crime, like, and you show up to work, like, I'm not in trouble with the boyfriend's parents. I don't care what they think.

• 51:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know. That's the feeling I feel is that we're like in trouble. And I mainly feel it for not for me as much as my husband. I feel sad for him. Yeah. When we're like around all of them, because I'm like, she blew up their marriage. And I feel, even though I got him, I feel sad that it's been broken and he doesn't have that type of relationship that she has with them, that she's always trying to pull him away from.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 52:09Speaker 03

  And it just makes me sad.

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  But don't, don't take his, feeling sad for him is right. You love him and you see a good man hurting, right?

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  But don't take his agency from him.

• 52:24Dr. John Delony?

  He's made choices along the way, too.

• 52:29Dr. John Delony?

  And he's choosing to head into this. So maybe y'all go to dinner and be like, all right, we're headed to another awkward situation. Tell me what you're feeling. Well, nothing will be fine. Like, no, I'm with you. We've been together 20 years almost. Like, I know. Here's what I'm feeling. And here's what I, I want us to plan together. Because I want this to be enjoyable, as enjoyable as it can possibly be in an otherwise awkward world.

• 52:52Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 52:53Dr. John Delony?

  But the whole thing is empowerment. The whole question I want you to continually go back to is, what am I gonna do next? What are me and my husband gonna do next?

• 53:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:03Dr. John Delony?

  And if y'all leave early,

• 53:07Dr. John Delony?

  spending one second imagining what they're saying with you not in the room is a waste of your time and energy.

• 53:16Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're not there. And who cares? They don't get a vote.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 53:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 53:22Speaker 03

  Right.

• 53:24Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I know, I know I'm over nonchalanting this, right? But I'm trying to hit the pendulum really far to show you how much of your core self you've outsourced to strangers.

• 53:37Dr. John Delony?

  They don't get a vote.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 53:41Dr. John Delony?

  And if you and I had an hour together, we could probably unpack, you've probably spent a lot of your life outsourcing who you are to other people. Is that fair?

• 53:49Speaker 03

  Very fair.

• 53:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. Mm hmm.

• 53:52Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a good mom to those stepkids?

• 53:55Speaker 03

  Yes, I love them dearly.

• 53:57Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a good mom to your biological kids?

• 54:00Speaker 03

  I am.

• 54:02Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a good wife?

• 54:04Speaker 03

  Yep. He tells me I am.

• 54:06Dr. John Delony?

  No. When you look in the mirror, you're like, yeah, I still got it.

• 54:13Speaker 03

  Oh, no. I try not to look in the mirror.

• 54:16Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, gosh. That, that.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's the work that I really want you to spend time on over the next year, because it's gonna take a while.

• 54:26Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. Okay.

• 54:27Dr. John Delony?

  Most of us who spend our lives outsourcing our sense of worth to other people,

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  find ourselves in that predicament, needing other people to like us, to approve of us, to say we're doing okay, because we don't like us. We think something's fundamentally flawed in us.

• 54:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that's the, that's the master narrative that we have to solve.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 54:56Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 54:58Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 55:00Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're worth looking in the mirror and being happy with who you see.

• 55:06Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 55:09Speaker 03

  I'm trying.

• 55:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you got a pretty wild Brady Bunch situation going on. And it sounds like y'all are making do with the, in the best possible ways. The fact y'all still like each other with all that chaos after 17 years is pretty impressive. That means y'all are intentional about your marriage.

• 55:25Dr. John Delony?

  No marriage is perfect, but y'all are intentional.

• 55:28Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. I'm trying to be.

• 55:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 55:30Speaker 03

  I'm listening to you. So I'm learning along the way.

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I'm gonna hook you up for a year with the Together app. It's, it's an app that will continue to bring y'all two back together. And I also am gonna send you, I want you and your husband to start practicing this weekly rundown. I made a PDF for it, but it's just a thing that y'all can sit down once a week and just say, how are we? How are you? What do we got coming up this week? How can we love each other this week? And it's just a quick boom, boom, boom. Sometimes these meetings are five minutes. Sometimes they're 35. Sometimes me and my wife would just talk for hours. But I'm gonna send both these to you, because I'm, think you're pretty awesome. But the adventure I want you to go on with yourself and probably a mental health professional is,

• 56:11Dr. John Delony?

  am, why do I think so little of myself that I need my stepdaughter's boyfriend's parents

• 56:20Dr. John Delony?

  to approve of me?

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  I want to get to a place where I'm free of that chain, that free of that shackle. Because those people, I want to be kind. I want to be a respectful adult. I want to be a good human being. But they don't get a vote in my life.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for the call. We'll be right back.

• 56:42Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? Dr. John Deloney here. When was the last time you and your spouse got away? Just the two of you, no kids, no work, no distractions, just time to reconnect? Most couples can't remember. That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville to laugh together, learn and grow with your spouse. We have a weekend on sale right now, October 22nd through 24th, 2026. Get your tickets at ramsaysolutions.com/events or by clicking the link in the show notes. All right, we're back. Kelly, can I tell you about a victory I've had? And then we can do the follow-up call.

• 57:21Speaker 04

  Please do.

• 57:23Dr. John Delony?

  So I haven't told anybody this. I think I may have told you a part of it. So back in May,

• 57:30Dr. John Delony?

  I just quit eating candy.

• 57:33Dr. John Delony?

  I haven't had a piece

• 57:35Dr. John Delony?

  since May. Not one.

• 57:37Speaker 04

  Not one gummy of any sort.

• 57:39Dr. John Delony?

  None. And there's literally bags at my house. I don't know what happened. There was a switch that flipped.

• 57:45Speaker 04

  That's impressive, because I know you.

• 57:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. It was a weird, like, I've heard about this happening. People were like, with smoking, like, they wake up one day, like, I'm not smoking anymore. And I had a friend in high school that was like, or in college, he's like, I'm just quit. I was like, you can't just quit. And he's like, I'm just, anyway. And then, I think I'm up to 35, maybe 36. Um, 35 days ago, I was just farting around on the phone. And a songwriter named Zach Tealander, I think his name is, um, he opened up for Chris Williamson on his tour. He just posted, he's like, I decided to run one mile for 100 straight days. And I was like, that sounds nuts. I'm gonna try that.

• 58:29Dr. John Delony?

  And for the last 35 days, I've had times I get home, like, I drove 17 hours from across the country home. I had to run at 1:30 in the morning, like, and sometimes get up the next morning at 6:00 and go again, or 5:00 and go again. And then

• 58:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm, I've lost so much stinking weight. I, my sleep score keeps, it's annoying that it's been those two things. And I really haven't changed anything else. I have ice cream with my daughter at night. Last night, she couldn't sleep. I went into her room at 10:30 at night and she was still awake. I was like, oh, gosh, today's gonna be tough. But I just snuck ice cream in there and I'd sneak it. It's my house. I didn't tell my wife. But I brought ice cream in there and we just sat on her bed and laughed till late at night. But like, all to say is, those two little things, like, all my pants don't fit anymore. It's been a wild, like, hanging on to it. It has not helped me be on time. But other than that, I'm seeing it mostly net positive.

• 59:23Speaker 04

  I'm proud of you. That's pretty awesome.

• 59:26Dr. John Delony?

  Just a mile a day.

• 59:27Speaker 04

  And we'll work on the other stuff. I mean, you know.

• 59:29Dr. John Delony?

  That's a problem for future us.

• 59:30Speaker 04

  We, well, we've been working on it for six years, but you know, it's fine.

• 59:34Dr. John Delony?

  So do you folks who just post random, like, here's what I've been doing for 100 days on the internets?

• 59:39Speaker 04

  I don't.

• 59:40Dr. John Delony?

  No, I'm just saying, like, I always am like, why do people do that? To Zach? Thank you, man. That was like a thing. And it's, I don't know, it's been a helpful little anchor point for me. Ta-da.

• 59:51Speaker 04

  Congrats. I am. I'm proud of you. That's pretty cool. Because I, I mean, that's pretty awesome.

• 59:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I, there you go. Okay, so what's the cool thing that happened?

• 59:59Speaker 04

  All right. So this is from Kim. Kim actually called in in February of 24 about her relationship and they had some different lifestyles and priorities. So this is just a little bit of an update.

• 1:00:12Dr. John Delony?

  You know, on our show, that can mean so many things.

• 1:00:16Speaker 04

  I mean, it's like.

• 1:00:18Dr. John Delony?

  Different lifestyles and priorities.

• 1:00:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, none of them are great.

• 1:00:20Dr. John Delony?

  He's a vampire and I

• 1:00:22Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:00:23Dr. John Delony?

  have a thing for giraffes, or whatever, like, whatever. Like, that could mean a lot.

• 1:00:26Speaker 04

  Hold on. We have to have a chat real quick.

• 1:00:29Dr. John Delony?

  We always have to have chats.

• 1:00:33Speaker 04

  What is your thing with giraffes?

• 1:00:37Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have a thing with giraffes.

• 1:00:38Speaker 04

  I think you do.

• 1:00:39Dr. John Delony?

  That's Alex.

• 1:00:40Speaker 04

  Nope.

• 1:00:40Dr. John Delony?

  Why do I?

• 1:00:41Speaker 04

  I don't think you realize how many times you bring it up.

• 1:00:45Dr. John Delony?

  Here, okay, here's, here's, like, if I'm honest, I did write a thing in the book about a giraffe. But giraffes are, in my world, the, the wild things that end up on the show pale in comparison to the calls I get in my real life.

• 1:01:05Dr. John Delony?

  Or the weird situations I find myself in. I've yet to find somebody who

• 1:01:11Dr. John Delony?

  identifies as a giraffe, has a thing for giraffes, has it, and so, I, it becomes an outlier for me. It becomes a thing that's way out there that can be just like a silly, like, nobody's that far out. But the way you're looking at me, you might know somebody.

• 1:01:29Speaker 04

  Well, I think it might be you, because.

• 1:01:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'll, I'll change animals.

• 1:01:35Speaker 04

  We, I mean, I, I don't think you realize the amount of, God, that was such a disturbing sentence right there.

• 1:01:43Speaker 04

  So disturbing. The amount of discussions and text threads that have gone around this team about your thing with giraffes. And memes.

• 1:01:53Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think I've, I never.

• 1:01:55Speaker 04

  Oh, it's been brought up in multiple calls?

• 1:01:58Dr. John Delony?

  Giraffes?

• 1:01:58Speaker 04

  Giraffes. So, and by the way, we're not doing this follow-up right now. We'll do that next show.

• 1:02:04Dr. John Delony?

  Along with my gummy candy, like, it will end today.

• 1:02:07Speaker 04

  Do, so we took a call months ago about a woman whose husband was, um, every time they had sex, it had to be theatrical. There was always a role play, a costume or something.

• 1:02:19Dr. John Delony?

  Did I mention giraffes in that call?

• 1:02:20Speaker 04

  Multiple times in that call, you talked about wearing a giraffe costume.

• 1:02:26Dr. John Delony?

  I think it was because I was trying to be so, like, that I know isn't happening. Hopefully.

• 1:02:32Speaker 04

  I don't, I mean, I don't, based on some of the emails we get, nothing shocks me anymore. Some people out there, you know, whatever, whatever, float your boat.

• 1:02:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, exactly. But like, I, that's why, like, giraffe is like such a, because of, well, I won't even go there. I've gotten real questions about other animals. I've never gotten a question about a giraffe. And so that one is so abstract and out there, that's why I keep referring to it. That's why I used to refer to it, but I won't anymore.

• 1:03:02Speaker 04

  You gotta do to sleep at night, John.

• 1:03:05Dr. John Delony?

  I was gonna say, nay, but that's a, that's the wrong animal. I don't know what.

• 1:03:08Speaker 04

  I don't know what sound a giraffe makes and I don't need to know.

• 1:03:13Dr. John Delony?

  Well, this ends my giraffe era, everybody.

• 1:03:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if any of you show up in a signing line somewhere, or at a comedy club, and you hand me a giraffe sticker,

• 1:03:25Dr. John Delony?

  no, no.

• 1:03:26Speaker 04

  Yes, please.

• 1:03:27Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 1:03:27Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:03:28Dr. John Delony?

  Bye.