3 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship & 2 Toxic Traits to Watch Out For

Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm What truly defines a healthy relationship? And what makes one unhealthy? Is there an easy way to spot if the relationship we’re in is good for us or gradually hurting us? It often involves the level of our emotional health, our mental maturity to process difficult situations, and how far are we willing to stay in the partnership. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares facts of how unhealthy traits eventually ruins relationships and the positive habits that can turn things around. Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ Key Takeaways: 00:00 Intro 01:30 The power of having a support system 02:08 Why the quality of our relationships are good for us 11:12 Sign #1: Sense of mutual respect 15:01 Sign #2: Honesty 18:56 Sign #3: Individuality 24:53 Unhealthy Trait #1: Sense of control 25:04 Unhealthy Trait #2: Emotional regulation Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:10Jay Shetty?

  Onpurpose, that's drink A G one dot com forward slash onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. Confidence isn't something Mazda finds, it's something they practice. That's the thinking behind every Mazda. With proactive safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus Awards than any other car brand as of July 2026. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more.

• 2:53Jay Shetty?

  Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Instead of trying to find love, we have to choose to create love. Instead of trying to expect love, we have to find ways to express love.

• 3:15Jay Shetty?

  So today's theme is all about the power of support. The power of support. Our support system, our support network, our support community. And isn't it fascinating that we use the word support system, but we don't always create a system of support? We have friends, we have family, we have the people we work with, but we don't have a system of how to seek support, even though we call it that.

• 3:54Jay Shetty?

  We call it a support network, but our network is often quite limited as to the types of people we have access to or the types of people we have a relationship with. So it's really intriguing that we have language that describes effectively what we need.

• 4:13Jay Shetty?

  But in our practice, we don't actually have what we need. We may say support system, but we don't have a system. We may say support network, but we don't really have a network. We have a few people. And today, I really want to talk about the power of support. How to find people of equal vibration? How to energetically match? These are questions that I'm sure are in your mind. Like, when you meet someone, how do you know that there is an energetic match? When you connect with someone, how do you know that you are of equal frequency or equal vibration? Or even if not equal, but aligned? How many times have you ever thought of that?

• 4:56Jay Shetty?

  How many of you have ever had that idea in your head? Where you're like, I like this person, but I'm not quite sure if we're on the same frequency? I want to share with you some scientific reasons of why the quality of our relationships are good for us. And the reason I'm doing this is because I think more of us have challenges in our relationships. We may have toxic elements in our relationships or unhealthy elements in our relationships than healthier ones across the board. And it's important for us to understand the benefits of healthy relationships. One of them is actually longevity. And studies show that people, particularly men,

• 5:40Jay Shetty?

  are healthier when they're married and they live longer, says the researcher Jones. And a lot of the longevity studies show that being in a loving, long-term relationship reduces stress. It helps us give up bad habits. And we actually adopt more positive habits. Another thing that's really interesting about having positive relationships, not just romantic ones, is that we actually accelerate our healing process. Benjamin Steinberg, M.D., says, "Generally, we see patients with strong social support having better recoveries." And by the way, that happens to all of us at different times.

• 6:24Jay Shetty?

  We all at different times need support in different ways. And Steinberg attributes improved recovery to lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Now, moving forward, we find that it also impacts our biology. Having positive, healthy relationships reduces our blood pressure. Now, one of the researchers talks about how we know that sudden negative emotions can lead to sensations mimicking a heart attack, also known as broken heart syndrome. And Steinberg says it stands to reason the opposite is true as well. Additionally, people feeling love are more relaxed

• 7:05Jay Shetty?

  and more likely to engage in exercise or other activities beneficial to the heart. Now here's the challenge. We hear this, we read this, we study this, and we think, but no one loves me. But why aren't there more people who show me this kind of love? I need to find people who show me love. That's what our instinct suggests is the method. I have a lack of this, let me fill this. When in reality, instead of trying to find love, we have to choose to create love. Instead of trying to expect love, we have to find ways to express love.

• 7:49Jay Shetty?

  Instead of hoping to meet someone who is loving, we have to make space for creating loving experiences. We have to construct our support system. You don't just have one, you don't find one, you create one. Today is all about the power of support. But support, funnily enough, is something you have to create, something you have to adopt, something you have to build, and then you receive the support back. Positive relationships result in a stronger immune system. Studies show that people who engage in supportive, positive relationships produce more oxytocin

• 8:34Jay Shetty?

  and they're less likely to succumb to the negative effects of stress and anxiety. It's really important to understand these aspects of the science behind positive relationships because I think we all underestimate the negative. Often, we let something toxic remain in our life for months, if not years. We experience the emotional pain, but we also don't realise the physical, biological challenges that are being adopted. So, studies show that we actually feel less pain when we have beautiful relationships. A behavioural study demonstrated that the presentation of romantic partner pictures

• 9:18Jay Shetty?

  was sufficient to reduce experimentally induced pain. So, relationships help us get through pain, relationships help us get through stress, relationships help us get through anxiety. So, of course, they should be something that we should be developing and investing in our lives. How many of us truly believe that we are investing in healthy relationships? Investing in healthy relationships doesn't just mean spending time. It means creating ways of having more powerful relationship exchanges and experiences. I want to talk a bit about what are the qualities of healthy and unhealthy relationships

• 10:03Jay Shetty?

  so that you can spot them, so that you can be aware of them, because I think that's what we often don't recognise. What we recognise is what we think someone is like as a person. We don't look at what they're like as being in a relationship with them. This is a really subtle point and I really want you to understand it and take it in. When you're looking to have a relationship with someone, you're looking at them and what they're like, rather than what they're like to have a relationship with. I'll give you a really simple example. I'm holding a pen, and this pen is a Sharpie pen. I'm sure you've seen a Sharpie before. And let's say from afar,

• 10:47Jay Shetty?

  the Sharpie looks aesthetically beautiful, and I say, "That's a beautiful pen." But then when I hold it, I have a different relationship with it. Now that I'm holding it, I'm not just looking at it, I'm not just viewing it, I'm not just observing it. When I hold it, I may say, "That feels really uncomfortable." It doesn't, it's beautiful. But I may think, "That feels really uncomfortable." "That isn't what I expected." And holding the pen is more important than what the pen looks like. It's kind of like when we buy something because it aesthetically is stunning, but functionally doesn't solve the problem. I'm sure you bought a piece of furniture, you bought a chair or a couch that you were just like,

• 11:32Jay Shetty?

  "This looks stunning, it looks like all the catalogs, it looks like all the websites, it looks like that home store that you love visiting." But you don't like sitting on it. That's kind of like people. We observe people for how they look, and what they come across as, and how they appear, but we don't really understand what they're like to have a relationship with them. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about friendships, I'm talking about business, I'm talking about community, tribe, squad. And so the reason I'm sharing this is just because someone appears to be trustworthy, just because someone appears to be a nice human being,

• 12:15Jay Shetty?

  you have to observe what they're like in relationships, in connection. To really understand whether this has longevity. And I'm so glad that this is resonating with you. I hope that this is resonating with you. I hope that you're listening going, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So let's talk about the signs from a scientific perspective of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Have you ever had one bad moment spoil your entire day? Or felt overwhelmed for no reason? What about stressed or anxious over that big moment or difficult conversation? You should try meditation and I know what you're thinking.

• 13:00Jay Shetty?

  Jay, you used to be a monk. I don't have time to sit in the woods for hours doing nothing. But really, all the time you need to start your own mindfulness practice is seven minutes a day with the Daily J, my daily guided meditations on the Calm app. You don't need to close your eyes or find a special seat. You can try it while you brush your teeth, do the dishes or walk your dog. My goal in seven minutes a day is to help you find calm and feel grounded in your busy world. Plant beautiful intentions for an abundant life and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams. Here's what one of the listeners of the Daily J had to say about their meditation. Wow, I just had a super hard day at work and couldn't get my boss's comments out of my head.

• 13:44Jay Shetty?

  Then I did the Daily J, which related to my work issues. Opened my eyes at the end of the session and felt renewed again. Previously, today would have destroyed my whole weekend. Meditate with me by going to calm.com/j to get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership. That's only forty-two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations. Experience the Daily J only on Calm. This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into a comfortable seat with plenty of room to stretch out. Catch up on work with wifi, grab a snack at the cafe car or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast.

• 14:30Jay Shetty?

  Choose a cellar or Northeast Regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit amtrak.com to plan your next trip. This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat, and build muscle with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com/onpurpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage and studio for details.

• 15:12Jay Shetty?

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• 15:55Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. So the studies show that healthy relationships have a sense of mutual respect. And I think we don't really understand what respect means. We think of respect as people being courteous, kind, respectful. But respect is much deeper than that. And I always like looking at dictionary definitions.

• 16:37Jay Shetty?

  Because they change my view of something. Listen to the dictionary definition of respect and compare it to the definition you currently practice or the action suggests that you practice. A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. And I would say in a relationship, it's really not about their abilities or their achievements. Those are appearances. It's about their qualities and their action.

• 17:15Jay Shetty?

  So we judge people by their abilities and their achievements, yet their qualities and their action are better signs of who they are. So when you're perceiving someone, I want you to ask the question, are you being currently impressed by their abilities and achievements? Because what we do is we assign people, we prescribe, we predict that someone has certain qualities because of their abilities and their achievements. If someone is a good communicator, we assume they're trustworthy. If someone is a good writer, we assume they're thoughtful.

• 17:56Jay Shetty?

  If someone is good at project management, we assume that they'll be organized at home. So we assign their abilities and their achievements qualities, but qualities and action are really what we need to observe in a relationship. So respect is, do you really respect a person's values and their boundaries? Someone may have a boundary, they may have a particular barrier that they don't want to cross. Do you respect that? Do you also know your own so that they have something to respect?

• 18:36Jay Shetty?

  It's really interesting to me how often we want people to respect us, but then when they're sharing their opinion, we don't have the time to listen to it. So respect. Expect is so much more deeper than just being cordial or courteous with each other. It's the idea of, do I give that person the opportunity to speak? Do I accept that even if their belief is different to mine, I'm open to hearing it? If you're not open to hearing someone else's perspective, then that is a lack of sign of respect, no matter what that perspective is. I'm not saying you have to agree with their perspective. I'm not saying that you have to encourage their perspective. But if you want to build a relationship with someone, if you want to build a relationship with the people around you in a deep way,

• 19:22Jay Shetty?

  we have to be okay and open to hear their thoughts. And we can't just respect them because they like us. We have to respect that they have boundaries as well. So a healthy relationship is one where you feel you can be honest without being judged. And that someone else can be honest with you, even if they disagree, without being judged. A healthy relationship is also one where you feel clear stating your boundaries. And you feel clear accepting someone else's boundaries. So respect is really important. The second one to me is honesty. But honesty is something that everyone says they want. But when someone's honest with you, we judge them for it.

• 20:07Jay Shetty?

  I remember being friends with someone who always said they wanted to be with an honest man. And she would always tell me, I just want to be with someone who's honest. I'm tired of having people who lie to me. I'm tired of having people who hide things from me. She started dating this guy and within a month, he told her that he had a porn addiction. And he was really open about how long it had affected him, how he wasn't proud of it, how he wasn't happy about it. He wanted to change it. He felt a lot of guilt. And he expressed just how much, since he'd been talking to this friend of mine, that his addiction had reduced.

• 20:50Jay Shetty?

  Now, that was a shock for her. She wasn't expecting that. And she probably was surprised by that level of honesty within a month. And what ended up happening is she actually closed off. She judged him for his addiction. Now, what happens in that cycle? Someone is honest about something that is tough to receive. We shut down and distance ourselves. Now, that person never wants to be honest again. A lot of people that are dishonest today, or I would say not dishonest. I would say people who may hide certain things or may not feel comfortable sharing certain things. It's because at one point they shared something and there was backlash. At one point, they shared something.

• 21:34Jay Shetty?

  They opened up their heart and someone didn't receive it with compassion, with kindness, and now they're scared. Now, they never, ever want to share it again because they think that people are always going to treat them that way. They're scared that people are always going to process things that way. So honesty means creating space for honesty and being honest ourselves. Are we honest? It's not that my friend should have just taken it really well and been okay with it. That's not what I'm saying. But we have to at least respect the act of honesty if we're saying we think a healthy relationship has honesty. Real honesty is when what that person thinks,

• 22:20Jay Shetty?

  what they says and what they do is aligned. That is real honesty. And a lot of people struggle with that type of honesty because most people are thinking one thing, saying another thing and doing a completely different thing, including us. Including us, right? How many of you agree that you think one thing, but you say another thing and you do another thing? This tension or this lack of alignment in our own lives results in what we experience from others as well. So most people are misaligned in that way. One of the things that I think is really healthy in relationships is having this conversation.

• 23:03Jay Shetty?

  I really set a precedence with my business relationships from the beginning, saying, hey, I'm really honest in business. I'm really transparent. I'm really opinionated. I will tell you, this is how I like to work. Are you comfortable with that? Are you okay with that? And I find that being self-aware and then expressing my self-awareness saves everyone a lot of time. And then it allows someone else to be honest back with me as well, because I have initiated honesty. And that's what I meant about creating honesty, building honesty, rather than looking for honesty. If you construct a relationship saying, I really respect honesty and here's something about myself that I'm being honest about. You're more likely to incite it from someone else.

• 23:48Jay Shetty?

  Another healthy trait of good relationships that is often undervalued and not talked about as much. We talk a lot about independence, that a good relationship is where both people can be independent. Because we don't want to be codependent. But what we don't realize, and I'm sure many of you have heard about codependency, right? I'm sure many of you have heard about codependency. And codependency exists because we are fully dependent on the other person. And we like the fact that they're always there, they're always around. That doesn't come because we're not independent. It comes from a lack of individuality.

• 24:30Jay Shetty?

  So a healthy trait in relationships is not independence, it's individuality. That someone is not dissolving their identity because of a relationship. A lot of people say, I lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I gave them everything, right? Those statements that you hear, they are a dissolution or a dissolving of our identity, our individuality. Am I judging them for the fact that they like to play video games? Am I judging them that they like to have a vacation in a particular way? Am I judging them because of how they like to dress? That is their individuality.

• 25:12Jay Shetty?

  And I find often that we demand this for ourselves, but we don't often offer it to others. A lot of these things, we demand for ourselves, but we don't offer to others. Independence is different from individuality. Independence is this righteous feeling of I can do it on my own. Individuality is I am my own person, right? There's a difference between I can do things on my own, I don't need anyone, to even when I have someone, I am still my own person. Please respect the difference.

• 25:53Jay Shetty?

  The desire for independence and pushing independence can often cause disconnection. But maintaining individuality is healthy for everyone in the relationship. When we talk about healthy relationships, we often talk about good communication. And while I believe that that's an obvious, I mean, I don't even need to explain that everyone knows that. I think it's really important to set communication patterns and habits early on in a relationship. How should we deal with when we come across an issue we disagree with? How should we focus on this? It's kind of like, if you look at a sports team, a sports team has the way it wants to play,

• 26:38Jay Shetty?

  but they also have a plan for, well, what if our opponent plays this way? What if we're surprised by bad weather? What if we are caught off guard by a player getting sent off or injured? What if we encounter something surprising that happens in the first few minutes? Just because a team is fantastic at what they do, they don't go into a space thinking that they're gonna win and crush and everything's going to go great. No, they recognize, they truly deeply recognize that they have to have a plan for things not quite working out, right? They have to have a plan for things not working out.

• 27:21Jay Shetty?

  And so I find that communication isn't about saying, oh, well, we communicate well. It's about saying, well, do we have a plan for what happens when? So I call this an if this, then that plan. If this happens, then we will do this. If this happens, then we will do this. Now, you don't have to think about every possible circumstance under the sun, but understanding a few of those is really, really important. Now, with the next few minutes, I want to talk about what are the unhealthy things to look out for? Because I think what we do is we try and create this balance and we think to ourselves, well, if the healthy things outweigh the unhealthy things, then that's a good relationship. That doesn't even count for a diet. I'll give you an example.

• 28:03Jay Shetty?

  Let's say you say, well, for breakfast and lunch, I'm going to eat healthy. And then at night, I'm going to eat unhealthy. They don't just balance and equal each other out and you don't just become healthy. Slowly, there is deterioration. Slowly, there is illness, disease, whatever it may be. If you are choosing to say, well, I'm gonna have a pizza and fries for dinner every day, but I'm gonna have a smoothie for breakfast, right? Like, that doesn't just equal itself out. You don't cancel out the unhealthy foods by because you have healthy foods, right? It doesn't work that way. And so you don't just cancel out unhealthy traits because there are healthy traits. Of course, there are good and bad in every relationship. There's tough and easy in every relationship.

• 28:48Jay Shetty?

  But there's a difference between really unhealthy traits that actually cause toxicity, right? There's a sense of like, I want to have something tonight that makes me feel good versus I'm gonna eat something regularly that's really, really bad for me. There's treating yourself and then there's hurting yourself, right? You can have a treat once in a while, but you're not going to allow something to continue to be in your life if it hurts you, hopefully. I think we do. I think we confuse what's a treat and what's hurt, right? We confuse what's a treat and what's hurt. I really want to reflect on some of those unhealthy traits. So one of them is a sense of control. It's where you don't feel like you're in a partnership or a relationship.

• 29:33Jay Shetty?

  It feels like you're being owned. Someone is controlling your actions, what you wear, what you think, what you believe by control. How do you notice this? Oh, no, no, don't wear that. Oh no, do you really need to spend time with them? Oh God, they're the worst, right? Like reacting to your friends, reacting to the people in your life. Another one is a sign of emotional irregularity. What I mean by that is everyone goes through emotions. Everyone goes through bad days where they can be more shut down, they can be down. But is someone in their lack of emotional regulation, are they hurtful? Are they offensive? Do they say things they don't mean?

• 30:18Jay Shetty?

  Do they say things that are outlandish or extreme? What I find is that saying hurtful things can become a bad habit. And hearing hurtful things can become something you become immune to. And that only gets worse and worse and worse because what that person wants is that they want the bad to be really bad. But then they're like, but no, things are good, right? Like we just had a bad day. And that idea of we had a bad day, but mostly we're good is not the way it works. What really works is someone saying, well, I don't want to have this experience again. I don't want to be in this position again. And that's the question you want to ask that person. One of the things that I recommend couples do, and I do it in my own relationship a lot, is that every few days

• 31:00Jay Shetty?

  and even every few weeks, I'll check in with Radhi and I'll say, is this the relationship you want? Is this the relationship you want? And I ask that question myself as well. And then I ask myself, well, if it isn't, what am I to do? What am I willing to do? What am I open to do to get to the relationship I want? Are you open to that as well? That kind of conversation can save a relationship and build a relationship. Of course, any type of sexual, physical, verbal abuse is completely unhealthy. I don't even need to repeat that. And I would say that, actually, I do need to repeat that because unfortunately too many of us accept it because we don't believe we're worthy of more. We feel that that is a part of love because that is the love we've been exposed to.

• 31:43Jay Shetty?

  So I hope that today's session has had a huge impact on your relationship. We've talked about the value of healthy and unhealthy traits, what to look for, right? These are the energy levels. If someone is operating on the energy level of ownership, you can't construct a relationship out of that. If someone is operating on the energy level of dishonesty and disconnection. But here's the thing, you're not just trying to judge it and see it in them. You're trying to build it and create it within yourself. You're constructing in the relationship. You're facilitating it to see if that person's open to it. You can't just look for it in them.

• 32:25Jay Shetty?

  You have to lead the way and see if they're willing to lead with you, to grow with you, to work with you.

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