Gary Vee ON: Living Without Judgment & How to Stop Beating Yourself Up When You Make Mistakes

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm Jay Shetty sits down once again with Gary Vee to talk about choosing to fight for your passion over what other people have to say. When you allow people and their opinions affect how you live, you give them control over your life. You are giving them the power to decide for you. You can change that but choosing how much of your life you want to share and to what extent is already considered an intrusion into your private life. Gary Vaynerchuk is a serial entrepreneur, and serves as the Chairman of VaynerX and the CEO of VaynerMedia. Gary is considered one of the leading global minds on what’s next in culture, relevance and the internet. Known as “GaryVee” he is described as one of the most forward thinkers in business - he acutely recognizes trends and patterns early to help others understand how these shifts impact markets and consumer behavior. Today, he helps Fortune 1000 brands leverage consumer attention through his full service advertising agency, VaynerMedia. Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:39 “I do a good job of making my Dad popular.” 06:41 If it works for you, you can juggle multiple things 12:33 “I’m very happy because I’m very simple.” 18:11 We have demonized losing when losing is the best 22:26 You’re in control of your life 26:50 Leveraging family and personal life lacks authenticity 29:54 Lack of accountability is leading to so much unhappiness 34:29 What is your most worthy pursuit? Episode Resources Gary Vee | Instagram Gary Vee | YouTube Gary Vee | Twitter Gary Vee | LinkedIn Gary Vee | Books Gary Vee | Facebook VaynerMedia The GaryVee Audio Experience See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:44Jay Shetty?

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• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

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• 3:00Jay Shetty?

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• 3:09Speaker 01

  You're in control, you, you, you decide what you consume, you decide what you believe, you decide who you surround yourself with, you decide what you put out. Take on accountability. Everybody wants the blame right now.

• 3:27Jay Shetty?

  I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out, and I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so, so excited for you to read this book, for you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to eightrulesoflove.com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules. Go to jschettytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more.

• 4:11Jay Shetty?

  I can't wait to see you this year. Gary, it's been three years since I've seen you, man. It's been way too long.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  It's nice to be back.

• 4:17Jay Shetty?

  It's nice to be back, man. We're always back here. This is like, I think, the third time I've interviewed you in this room. And it's just, it's always awesome when I hear from you when we're in touch, man. So I'm hoping that we can kick that off again.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 4:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love it. I want to start off, I have to ask you, I've got a ton of questions. I know we've got a limited amount of time. I want to start off asking, how's V gone? I was watching it, it looked amazing. I was following everything online.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  It was great. We, um, we're really happy with it. I've been telling a lot of my friends and family, like, you know, I really held back a lot. Meaning, since it was the first time, I didn't know what I was getting into. So it went super well, which has me crazy excited for the next one. It was educational, it was about community. It felt right, and now I think I can build off of that base. I like context a lot, and so I needed to contextualize throwing an event of that size. Now that I've calibrated, I think about it like a fighter. The first round, they want to feel each other out. You want to take that first punch, can you take the guy or gal's power? Now that we've done that, I feel like I can be even more ambitious with the next one. So it was really good.

• 5:23Jay Shetty?

  Nice, man. Yeah, the people I know that went, not as speakers, but as visitors, they had a great time.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  I'm glad.

• 5:28Jay Shetty?

  So, yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's been the universal take, which is for a first-year event at that size, I'll take it.

• 5:34Jay Shetty?

  Your team posted this beautiful video, it was literally yesterday, and I was scrolling through, and it's this video of a moment between you and your dad.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:42Jay Shetty?

  And I was just like, you know, to hear that from your dad, I'm gonna read it out. He said, "You don't even realize what you did on that stage. You completely changed my brain." And then he said, "You're really special." And like, we've seen moments with you and your dad on social a ton before, obviously. What was different about that moment? And what was he, did you sideline afterwards about what that was about?

• 6:03Speaker 01

  What's challenging for me is like, you know, look, my dad's a very popular figure. I do a good job making him popular. He's the best. But my dad and I are very different. My dad grew up with a very different mom than I did. My dad grew up in a very different place. The USSR is not an optimistic place. You know, a lot of Americans, a lot of people listening around the world, don't know this. The USSR was a jail. It wasn't only that it was a difficult country. We have difficult countries around the world. You couldn't leave. You know, I'm not educated. I think you can't leave North Korea, right? Like, if you leave, right? North Korea's the comp. Like, you couldn't leave the USSR. So that's called jail. And so, you know, he grew up in a very different place.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  That manifested in my father looking at his employees very differently than I do. Looking at the world differently. And we had some very serious conversations in the last 96 hours. Because I made this connection point, I'm not gonna put him out there yet. I think that's for him to put out there, if he wants to. But my last book, 12 and a half, Ingredients. What I realized when I wrote it was, oh, it's not just empathy. Oh, it's not just ambition. Like, we're the makeup of like, these three combos. These four combos. In this situation, these two combos. And what I think happened is, there was one ingredient that my dad wasn't using in combination,

• 7:30Speaker 01

  that if he starts using the way he has been the last two, three days, A, everybody around him's gonna be happier, but for me selfishly, he's gonna be happier. And I'm really glad that moment's connected. My dad's had stops and starts of like, optimistic points of view in the past. We all have. I've had stops and starts with candor. Let me make it about myself. I've had, I'm finally over the hump in the last three, four years. But it was a special moment and like, I'm incredibly emotional about it because it could be a really big impact.

• 8:02Jay Shetty?

  It was really beautiful to see, man.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Thank you, brother.

• 8:03Jay Shetty?

  And I loved how your response was like, "Dad, you should've come earlier."

• 8:07Speaker 01

  And look, it's fun to do this with you because you're also one of the human beings on earth that communicates in a way that helps people. It's a very heavy feeling to know that you can say something and can change someone's life.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  You know, I think it's intoxicating. I think it's why a lot of therapists love their job. I think it's why a lot of people that are into meditation. I think it's why teachers love their job. I think it's why a lot of parents. My mom had real sadness, empty nest, when AJ left. She was a Hall of Fame mother. When he left, she didn't get to play her, you know, like, so I think for many of us around the world, we do it publicly, but a lot of people do it privately or in small microclimates.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  There's nothing like saying something that provides someone else value. When that person ends up being some of the people you love the most, that goes to a different planet.

• 8:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, it's really special. And I think what you just said there, it accorded with me because I think we always want the answer to be like, well, should I be this or should I be that? Right? You're talking about the opposites. And it's like, should I be affectionate? Or should I be assertive? And it's like, be affectionately assertive.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  It's always and. Something I've been really tapping into is and versus or. I feel like I'm very affected because of our political temperature to last decade. You know, purple. America has been really told in many different ways, and it's a left and right issue.

• 9:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  This is not picking on any one party. It's just the climate. It's the popular culture. I'm watching my friends and acquaintances and business associates change their opinion on issues because they feel they have to be 100% red or 100% blue. It's incredibly devastating to me. I know where they stand. I'm watching them change their mind because they're treating it as a tribe. And the answer is purple.

• 9:52Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  And so, purple, and versus or. This is a lot of the work I'm working on within myself, through my content, affecting my team. And then, you know, you know, family, team, employees, the world, you know, I'm spending a lot of time on it. And that's why that book was so fun for me. Because, you know, I'm an enigma. I confuse people. I'm a contradiction. People struggle with it, and I see it as the strength. It is the and that makes me work. Like, I want to build the biggest companies of all time. Yet, I haven't come across a lot of people who really, genuinely, naturally, DNA, I'm not special, luck of the draw, really want everyone else to win. Like, I'm really about that life.

• 10:36Jay Shetty?

  I love that you just said that because I had a really dear friend who I respect, who's who we both know, who's very accomplished in their own world. He said to me recently, he said to me, Jay, the reason why I love having conversations with you is because I can have a spiritual conversation. We can then switch to strategy. And then we could talk about content. And he's like, I appreciate that you're one person that we can go there. And I was, and that gave me permission to be that. Because by the way, I'm the same paradox. People are like, well, I used to be a monk. But now you do media and you manage companies and people can't not always figure that out like, but I am all of them and I'm okay with that and I'd rather be all of them than have to choose one.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  A hundred percent and and a lot of people don't like juggling six balls. And I think that's awesome. I think life needs to be talked way more around self-awareness and self-love. Like, I can't pick one thing. Gary, so many of my friends, well-intended, most accomplished people on earth, Gary, if you ever decided to pick one thing in focus, you would. And I'm like, I would die.

• 11:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  You think, because you did and it works for you, that's awesome. And that's why when I make content, I say it with such passion and conviction. I'm always trying to use longer format platforms like this to take a step back and create some clarity. I'm asking people to do the things on their terms as passionately and all-in as I am. I'll talk about tactics. Yes, TikTok is an arbitrage attention machine right now. Yes, I believe you should post three, four times a day, but you don't have to. And more importantly, if you dislike posting on TikTok, the way I dislike reading, then you should do it never.

• 12:14Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  And that's the part that people, they want everything so black and white, when everything, everything is gray.

• 12:20Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  I'm always trying to share my conviction, talk about the ease of leaning into oneself, but remind people, don't be me. I have high energy. I have, I have levels of charisma that aren't trained. Like mommy and daddy made love at the right second and I was born with certain things. It's the same reason that I've struggled with candor. Do you know how many five-minute meetings I have that are such a waste of time because they could have been an 18-second reading of an email? But I can't do it. And, and, and I just, I was a DNF student because even as a child, I had some sort of subconscious force that just wasn't interested in not being me. You know?

• 13:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  And I just want that for more people, like, and then that goes into a framework that I get very passionate about. My favorite thing about walking around earth is how visceral I am against judging people. In an era that judgment of others has become the most popular pastime. But it starts with me not judging myself. I have standards, I have morals, but I don't beat myself up. And as you know, because I'm sure you're on the receiving end of different, but many of the same messages that I get.

• 13:32Jay Shetty?

  Oh, of course.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  People are just so good at beating themselves up. And I'm like, why? Like, everybody else sucks too. Like, great, so you're not good at this, or you missed your kid's baseball game, and you're not a bad parent. When you're, we need, you know, another thing, Jay, that I'm very passionate about, intent needs to have a seat at the table. We've eliminated the ability to try to figure out one's intent. You suck because of this. Do you know why they got there? Do you know how this happened? Like, we've just eliminated intent. So, these are all the feelings I think through, but you know, like, I, um, I definitely like doing a lot of things.

• 14:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And I, and I love what you're saying, because we'd rather project that label of judgment onto someone, because then we don't have to do the work to figure out how they got there.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, envy and jealousy are incredibly powerful traits.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  I tend not to, a lot of my friends throw it out about me, about themselves. I actually never go there. It's very real. I'm just trying to figure out the solve.

• 14:34Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Which is like, big things like, can we reframe success? Can we create clarification? For example, with me, I've spent the last five years trying to really explain why I want to buy the New York Jets. Because it's a fun game. Not like I need the New York, you know what I mean?

• 14:52Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I totally get that.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  I'm in a weird place now where I kind of want like Karen Thompson to buy the Jets, and be the biggest person, like, good job Karen, you did it. Like, I'd want to try to buy the Jets. I don't need the Jets. I want to try to build big companies. It's fun. Process over the trophies. I don't need the trophies to close gaps of insecurity.

• 15:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 15:13Jay Shetty?

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• 15:56Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 16:39Jay Shetty?

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• 17:13Speaker 01

  And so like redefining success, that was that talk right after BCon, a couple of days ago in Vegas. Lady said, you know, and she was so damn happy. And she's like, but I'm not, you know, making the dollars like everybody in this room. Like, are you happy? She's like, really happy. I'm like, you're the winner of the room. We have to redefine success. You know, I'm not against money. I'm an entrepreneur. I was born in the USSR and grew up in America. I'm like very pro anything in balance. Capitalism in balance excites me to no end. It's around merit. But we need to teach all of ourselves the simplicity of like, what, how, like redefining success.

• 17:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the fascinating thing about self-awareness. Going back to your earlier point that I found that envy and jealousy, when you don't have self-awareness, you're envious and jealous of everyone.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 18:01Jay Shetty?

  When you have self-awareness, it at least limits your envy and jealousy to what you do. And then you can actually do something with it and do something about it. And so self-awareness actually gets you halfway there in the battle against jealousy and envy.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  I'm obsessed with it. You know, it, it, it brings you better relationships. When a human is tone deaf of like how people are affected by them, they're in a very, very vulnerable spot. Self-awareness is very attractive and something that I, I hope society keeps pounding on.

• 18:29Jay Shetty?

  I believe that you're someone who has a even better private life than you do public life.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, you know, obviously, listen, I've gone, you know, through my personal things like anybody else. But you know what? You know how I would answer that? I'm wildly content and at peace. And I don't think that would make sense to most people that consume me. Cause I'm so frantic as a communicator. I'm such high energy. I think the thing I always enjoy when people get close to me and I'm looking at Dustin and Seth behind me is like, there's incredible levels of confusion on the calmness and like the ability to absorb, you know, bad situations. And that has so much to do with personal life, right?

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Like friends and family, I feel really good about it. I, I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of expectation I have of others. Doesn't mean I don't require like any human being, but like, I'm incredibly compassionate, not just empathetic. And I think when you combine compassion and empathy, you get into a really zen-y fun place. I find that, you know, I've been really thinking this through. I'm like, oh, those two, cause not only can I feel you. But when you come with something that isn't great, I'm going quickly to, "Are you okay?" versus "This hurts me." And so that gives me a very good personal life.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Again, trials and tribulations like any human on life from different various things, especially candor. I would tell you that everything that I've had challenges with in my life professionally and personally has been because I'm non-confrontational, which again blows people away. Because on stage, I'm incredible at it, because I'm talking to the world. When I'm talking to the world, I can't see your name or your face. And so I can just have really good observations to incredibly clean data, because very few people on earth read the comments from human beings at the level that I do. It's what I do for a living. So I have crazy insights. One that really caught me was how many wealthy kids were upset with their parents for paying things, but didn't want to give up on their parents. That one really triggered me in four or five years, because I didn't grow up in that environment.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  I was like, "Oh, this is a wild one." This is a very unhappy 25-year-old with a Tesla, a sick apartment in LA, an unlimited Uber, Equinox, but the subconscious is starting to take over, and they realize their parents think they're losers. That's why they're paying for everything. And it becomes, you know, breaking those things down. Yeah, I think I am very happy because I'm very simple. I'm way simpler in business and content than people realize. I'm very simple in life. I don't really want stuff. I like playing. I like playing. You know, I like competition. That's something I'm passionate about. I've been thinking a lot about competition. You know, I'm thinking about why is there so much anxiety in the system?

• 21:27Speaker 01

  Of course, social media pipes, I don't blame social the way people do. I just think that people are being exposed. I'm with you on that. This was happening at dinner tables. That's right. So I think people want to blame platforms. This is about a human thing. And I think every country is different, every religion's different, race, gender, there's a lot going on. But I really think that there's a lot of fun little pieces put together that got us to certain places. I think eliminating merit and demonizing competition has been a misstep. I think it came from great intent. I think parents didn't want kids crying, they didn't want them to feel bad. But we started training that 18th place is the same as first place.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Eliminating merit is not a happy place. It leads to a very unhappy place. And so, you know, it's funny, the things that get me going. Ambition and competition, I'm in, feels very red. Kindness over anything else, including those two things, marrying, you know, and because it's purple. And that's where my soul is right now. For the world, because I think so much of what I am and what I became was my mom and my DNA and my circumstance filled all the gaps along the way. I walked into high school, four foot 11, four foot 11. Confident, not because I thought I would get the cheerleader or it was gonna be the most popular, because I had zero interest in that validation.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  Not that I thought I was better, not that I thought I was better. And I think these, you know, these popular, I just wanted to be nice to everybody. I wanted to do my baseball card shows, I want to get my Ds and Fs on my way to going to the wine business. I wanted everybody to be happy and it really hasn't stopped.

• 23:11Jay Shetty?

  The Buddha thousands of years ago called it the middle path, right? The idea that we're trying to go, is it left or is it right? Is it this or that? And it's like, no, it's the middle path. And what you were just saying around eliminating merit, I think one of the bigger challenges is trying to eliminate pain early on in life.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  100%.

• 23:27Jay Shetty?

  Because you just become fragile.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 23:29Jay Shetty?

  And it's fascinating to me how much we don't realize that fragility is being spread by limiting. I was beaten up every day at school, at primary school, every single day. Cause I was the only Indian kid at school, I was the only overweight kid in school. And so I got beaten up every single day. And it was just what I went through and same, same as you, similarly, funnily enough, and we've never talked about this, but people are always like, did that affect you? I'm like, no, not really, because I wasn't looking for love from that person.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 23:55Jay Shetty?

  Cause even then I knew that that person had more pain in their life than me. They grew up on the council estate. They, they had, their parents had a broken marriage. They had so much more context, even at that age, that I could go home to my mom and dad.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  I think, I think it's real, I think kids not going outside, like, parents are too involved. I get it, again, best intent, best intent.

• 24:16Speaker 01

  But I believe in it.

• 24:17Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  I believe that we have demonized losing when losing is the best.

• 24:21Jay Shetty?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  Like, for me, it was, school was telling me I was gonna be a failure, so you have grownups left and right, friends, parents, and teachers, "You will be a garbage." I remember the favorite thing back in the eighties, "You're gonna be garbage, man." Big shout out to the garbage, men and women, first of all, but that was the cliche thing in eighty-four to eighty-seven, like, "I can't wait to be, like, I'm gonna be garbage." Like, they just really, it was only college, it was only grades, so that, and then I competed twenty-four, seven. I was always competing, and when you compete all the time, you're losing a lot. And I cried. I cried from six to twelve every time I lost in anything. Video games, checkers, Uno, football, because I hated the feeling, but the layers of skin that I have, you know, and that makes sense to me about you, you can't be out there at

• 25:06Speaker 01

  the level we're out there, if you don't have that stomach, you won't do it. You won't put yourself, we all now can. Everybody can put themselves out there. People won't do it if they don't have that layer of skin. And I, you know, I agree with you, like, and it's a tough challenge, but we have to get kids to, like, get comfortable with losing.

• 25:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, get comfortable with discomfort, even if they're not losing yet, just getting comfortable with discomfort.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  And we've really gone the other way, especially if there's money. If the family has a couple bucks, it's been completely eliminated.

• 25:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Parents are going to school, fighting for their kids, like, "My kid should've got an A," like, we're doing too much, and then they're twenty-two and they have to live life, and they go into the workplace, and they're like, "I should be the VP of this company, Gary." I'm like, "You've been here four weeks."

• 25:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  I'm like, "Start your own company."

• 25:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Have you found, have you found clever ways with your daughter to be able to do things like that? Like, have you found?

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Yes, I'm hacking all the time with my two kids.

• 25:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, how do you encourage losing?

• 25:59Speaker 01

  Competition.

• 25:59Jay Shetty?

  How do you do that with kids? Give me, because I'm not a parent yet.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  Beat them. Beat them. Beat them in everything.

• 26:03Jay Shetty?

  My dad used to do that to me.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  I wish AJ was here, like, AJ, my mom used to get so mad at me because we were siblings, not, "It's your child," and I'm eleven years older, so we're playing one-on-one basketball, I'm eighteen, he's seven, and I am beating him for a couple of reasons. One, I believed it. Two, I didn't want to lose. Three, I always knew when it happened, I'm like, one day he's gonna be seventeen. And I'm gonna be, you know, twenty-eight and he's gonna beat me, he's gonna be, and you know, like, I needed to get my wins on the board because, yeah, I think beating them, I think talking about adversity, explaining, non-conformant, leaning in, you know, and so, that's how.

• 26:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I like that. My dad was like that. It was really interesting because I think men and women react differently to that. But as a guy, like, my dad was like that. He would never pass, he would, he would get in front of an open goal soccer I'm talking about, get in front of an open goal. He could pass to me for his son to score and he'd go and score. We'd be playing father and son.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, and honestly, you know, I've been thinking a lot because I'm so soft-skilled.

• 27:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  There's so many moms I know that were like, will never let, like, the dad is, I'm thinking about one couple right now where it's like, I just think it's a DNA trait, it's a culture trait. But I think competition and losing and adversity need to be championed zero to twelve.

• 27:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  When they've been completely taken out of the equation.

• 27:23Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  And I believe the entitlement and the pain is a direct correlation. I really do.

• 27:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  I really do.

• 27:31Jay Shetty?

  What I got out of that was that it helped me become my own man because I didn't have my dad passing me the ball. I didn't have my dad passing it on. And so for me, it gave me no framework.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  I took that to the extreme. By the time I was eighteen or nineteen, I was, I mean, this is really, I think my dad's about to start consuming my content, so I'm gonna be very, I'm gonna tread lightly here, but Dad, if you're listening, at eighteen or nineteen, I became equally as important to the business. And by twenty-two, I was much more important in the business. And so, like, I took it to the extreme, right? Like, you know, the responsibility, the, the, putting it on your own two feet, like.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  We need a lot more of that.

• 28:14Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  No parent is doing their kid a favor by putting training wheels on their life.

• 28:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, I love that. Carrie, I'm asking this with love and you know, for me, this was a big thing. I, I think it was like, I think I'd been making content for two years before I introduced my community to my wife.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 28:34Jay Shetty?

  And everyone was like, Jay, you're married? Like, people had no idea because I just didn't talk about her because we just got married. We'd been together for a few years before that. I was like, I need to be careful about

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 28:46Jay Shetty?

  what we're gonna say, where this is going, how this feels. You've recently been more open about your relationship.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 28:52Jay Shetty?

  We don't have to go there.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  You're being very kind and I appreciate it.

• 28:54Jay Shetty?

  Because I respect you.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  I, I am incredibly private, as you know, and the world knows.

• 29:01Jay Shetty?

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• 29:43Jay Shetty?

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• 30:05Speaker 02

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• 30:35Speaker 03

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• 30:36Speaker 02

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• 30:38Speaker 03

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• 30:52Speaker 04

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• 31:02Speaker 01

  Because I'm going through a transition in my life, I felt like it got to a place where it was not sustainable for me to be 100% private. And so, I've been a little more public. It is something that I'm desperately not interested in. Even the part we just talked about with my kids, like, it's not somewhere I want to go. I don't want to go... I don't want to talk about my kids. I don't want to talk about my personal...

• 31:26Jay Shetty?

  We can cut a little bit.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  No, no, I want you to keep this.

• 31:27Jay Shetty?

  Okay, okay.

• 31:28Speaker 01

  And I'll tell you why. I want to remind people, you're in control.

• 31:31Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  It's incredibly important and appropriate, and I appreciate, especially being very cordial, for people to ask and things of that nature. But I want to remind people, they're in control.

• 31:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 31:43Speaker 01

  I want to provide value and put out things in my professional career. I'm incredibly private, and feel that the world is entitled to what you give it. So when I watch people get upset, when people get into their business, I'm like, you're giving them your business... By the way, you're leveraging your business. I don't want to leverage nor give my personal life to the world. I don't think that's the right way, by the way.

• 32:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  I just think it's my way.

• 32:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  So, the reason I have a little bit to what you're referring to is it became not sustainable because it's been a long time, and like, I was in a transition. Like, it was the appropriate time, and I needed to just get some context out there. But I'm a... It's not where I'm gonna go.

• 32:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and that's what I was more interested by. To me, it's not...

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Listen, us being together, my brain goes into maximize the value at the highest levels because we have the opportunity to, for as many people are listening. The takeaway there, from my perspective, is you're in control.

• 32:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  You have a learning disability and you want to share it? Mazel tov. You don't? Great. It took me back to something less serious. It took me 15 years of public life to say, "I'm not candorous." And it's hurt me in my personal life, and it's hurt me in my business life. You get to share what you want to share.

• 33:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  And, and I think people should be careful of what they share.

• 33:05Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  You share your abs as a, like, as a, like, you're a good shaped dude. People are gonna talk about your body for the rest of your life.

• 33:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  But you did that. You're gonna show your kid all the time? They're gonna talk about that. Relationship? They're gonna talk. You're giving the world permission.

• 33:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  I prefer not to give the world permission because that's a sacred place for me.

• 33:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  You know, even, look at my mom. She, like, the greatest gift I could give to the world is my mom to the world. The greatest. She's alpha me. She's more experienced. She's a different perspective as a mom, as a, she doesn't want it. The end. Right? I thought my dad and mom would be reverse. My dad, I never thought would love the limelight so much. But, you know, so I think if you're listening right now, please, if you're not going on social media because you have a skeleton in your closet, you have a disease, you have a bad, you know, situation, you, you're like me and like grew up in a family where like personal life is private. That's, I think, you know, in Russia, that was like, people would go to jail if anybody knew anything about you.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  So I think it ingrained in my parents, which then ingrained in me and my sister and brother. Like, we're private that way. You know, I think you have to understand, you're in control. Facebook and TikTok and podcasts and YouTube don't make you do anything.

• 34:23Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  They don't make you do anything.

• 34:25Jay Shetty?

  I'm so glad you're dressed up because I think there's, and this is why I brought it up. I think there's been a mask of false vulnerability that's been encouraged because of social media. So people think that the more vulnerable or more open you are, that shows authenticity.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, I totally disagree. I love you for that. You're going to a very smart place. I would argue, I see more lack of authenticity in the way that people are leveraging their family and personal life because they know it does well.

• 34:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  I don't want to go too deep because again, this is what's fun about being candorous in general, but I would never, ever say this to a human being. There's people who are leveraging their children for brand deals.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  That's something worth thinking about.

• 35:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Like, like, right now, those kids aren't talking about that to you because they don't talk because they're four, or because they're 16 and not ready to have that convo. But like, I think all of us have to think about things like that.

• 35:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I think for me, as an observer of you, I always respect that. That's why I was so intrigued and I still respect, I still send respect. But it's because I went through that journey in my own head.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:35Jay Shetty?

  Even with my own wife that I'd been together with, and even what we share and where we share.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  It's really intentional, like, to me, your family is the most sacred, like, that's who's gonna be around you when you're dying.

• 35:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Like, right, and so like, you have to think three times before you start letting anything in. Right, and by the way, the other thing is, I don't want to make decisions for other people.

• 35:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  I was built to be unstoppable. You know what I mean?

• 36:02Jay Shetty?

  So true, so true.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Like, when you, you see where I'm going?

• 36:04Jay Shetty?

  So true, yeah, I know exactly where you're going.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  Opening up for that judgment, if that person, it's hard enough if you choose it. Imagine someone else choosing it for you?

• 36:12Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  And so like, please, everyone, be thoughtful on this one.

• 36:15Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  And by the way, if you're listening right now and it's really hitting, but you already opened up Kimono's box, it's never, it's never late to close it.

• 36:21Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  You can close that.

• 36:23Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  We evolve, we change.

• 36:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  I will make mistakes, I will change, I will evolve, I will do good things, like, we, we need a lot more civility and patience for each other.

• 36:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  If you've been sharing everything and you decide off of this podcast, which I'm sure there's five to 500 people that just decided right now, then you just stop. And when people ask, where's Johnny, your boyfriend? Because, like, you, you can answer it, you don't have to answer it, but like, you're in control. People have to understand they're in control. Accountability, you know, V Friends is my, is the scaled version of me. You know, V Friends, you know, this is actually something I should talk to you about offline. You should really debate this.

• 37:07Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  The building intellectual property to scale one's message is very powerful.

• 37:12Jay Shetty?

  That's what me and Ryan were just talking about, so I'd love to, yeah.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, like, I met this woman, she's in her late 60s, early 70s, somebody introduced me to her, I wanna, I'm looking to potentially hire her to be a storyteller in V Friends. She worked for Jim Henson.

• 37:25Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  We're just getting to know each other, but like, the brief for Fraggle Rock, the brief for the entire show was stop war. And it was like the most profound, out of all these 16 months, that's been the most profound moment so far of my journey of V Friends. Because V Friends is to make people happier. But I think happiness comes in a lot of forms, not demonizing competition. My favorite character I want to develop is accountable aunt. Jay, I think the lack of accountability is leading to so much unhappiness. Like, life is so much better when you're like, this was my fault.

• 37:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  You're in control.

• 38:00Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  And so like, you know, this was like a wrap up to control. You're in control. You, you, you decide what you consume. You decide what you believe. You decide who you surround yourself with. You decide what you put out. Take on accountability.

• 38:14Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Everybody wants to blame right now. The algorithm, they're acting as the algorithms are like hypnosis. And I understand endorphin hits and all that, but like, you can delete the app. You can? Like, where's accountability in this?

• 38:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:28Speaker 01

  Right?

• 38:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Like, we have alcohol, we have tobacco, we have drugs, we have weapons, and we have all sorts of issues. But most people play within moderation. That's on you.

• 38:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And it's a tough truth, right? It's a tough.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  It's a tough truth.

• 38:41Jay Shetty?

  It's a tough truth.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  Especially when you're unhappy.

• 38:43Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  That goes back to why it's important. It's like the chicken and egg. It's like working out. Like, I got into better shape the last eight years. Nothing comes less natural to me.

• 38:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  Nothing comes less natural to me.

• 38:56Jay Shetty?

  I can relate to you.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Right? Like, but like, I was like, I just would like to live longer.

• 39:00Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  I would just like to live longer.

• 39:02Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  And go figure, it's not apple cider gummies, it's not steroids, it's not implants. I've thought about it. I'm like, can I get chest implants? I put in a lot of work. I feel like I've, like, Seth's good. Like, I feel like I've done more than Seth. But like, my body type, like, you know, and I'm like, I probably haven't. But, uh, but, but, no, it's like, eat well. Go in the gym, do the right things. And so, same for life. You know, whether it's meditation, whether it's exercise, whether it's therapy, whether it's good conversations, whether it's surrounding, you know? You know, back to us not having the, you know, we've had some meals, we've had some interactions. They're always, like, they're nice.

• 39:41Jay Shetty?

  We need more.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  I would like that.

• 39:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  And we'll build on that. I think, you know, I'm spending more time thinking about spending more time with more while doubling down on core. You know?

• 39:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  You know, because I've been, I did a really good job in the last 10 years of doubling down on core. But, but I think being as busy and I love what I do. You know, I really do want to build out a more of a friend network. More, I want to take more people from lightweight acquaintance to solid acquaintance. I want to take people from acquaintance to friend, from friend to best friend. And so I'm on a journey like everybody else, but I think that, um, I, God, I think, believe it or not, and this is going to sound so crazy for so many, the world actually has so much potential for everybody listening to be, the best time to be alive. Medicine and technology, and there's so much, but we're caught right now.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  It's like a hamster wheel. We're in the momentum of focusing on, you know, the bad.

• 40:43Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  And there's, there's always bad.

• 40:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  The Holocaust was bad. Genocide is always going on. Ganges Khan was not a fun time to be a human.

• 40:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  Like, you know, like, we, we are very bad at history. I was a really bad student, but I did well in history. Like, but that starts with you. What are you gonna do about it? Because right now, everyone's like pointing and feels like it's on someone else.

• 41:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  It starts with ourselves.

• 41:07Jay Shetty?

  I mean, when you said that and you brought up the Holocaust, I recently read Edith Eager's book, The Gift. She lived through the Holocaust. And she had that mindset in the Holocaust. So she said the only way she got through it is she realized that she wasn't a prisoner, that the only prisoners were the gods, because they were prisoners of their own conscience.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  Unbelievable.

• 41:25Jay Shetty?

  That was her mindset.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  She's right.

• 41:27Jay Shetty?

  And it's, and you know, she's like over 90 now or even older. And it's like, it's just phenomenal that her, Viktor Frankl, who wrote Mansage for Meaning, these two phenomenal books, if anyone hasn't read them, like, they had that in that scenario.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Well, that's the point I always make to everybody, like, you know, the only thing that works for me is trying to contextualize moments in time.

• 41:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  And like, you know, our great, great, great grandparents had it rough by comparison to the way we have it. And sure, they had some things that were better on simplicity, but we must choose optimism, because what's the alternative? Pessimism? Like, are you just gonna decide? Because once you decide, where are you? Once you decide it's bad, it's actually bad. And so like, one of the things that makes me very passionate to communicate is practical optimism.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Or the fact that I believe negativity is much better at marketing than positivity.

• 42:23Jay Shetty?

  Oh, for sure.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  I feel a huge sense of responsibility.

• 42:26Jay Shetty?

  What has become, out of all the things you've pursued, because I'm guessing at different stages in your life, and anyone who hasn't heard, I've interviewed Gary twice before, so you can go back and listen to those. You've pursued different things at different times. And every time I meet you, it's a really... What I love about it is that you're just, there's so much growth and acceptance and embracing of this new you. Every time we talk, I feel like I'm talking to a even more self-aware human, which is a really fun feeling when you're checking in with someone in this way. And so I go, what have you found currently to be the most worthy pursuit? Like, what is it that you're pursuing that you've found worthy of pursuit?

• 43:03Speaker 01

  It's always been the same thing for me. It's almost as if I'm living two separate lives. The most worthy pursuit is I am wildly gifted and helping other people. And I'm incredibly comfortable of also being okay with feeding myself around my own interests. The most worthwhile pursuit, my friend, and I think this is going to land with you, is the continuous balance beam that I walk on that is called equal parts selfish and equal parts selfless and refining that skill set. And I think in the three times, if I may, off of your analogy, I think the beam is getting thinner and I'm still walking it. You know?

• 43:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:45Speaker 01

  Maybe the first time we met, it was like an Olympic beam or a high school beam. Maybe the second time was, you know, my hope is that as I continue to go, I'll be on a tightrope across Manhattan and walk it easily because me playing my game of entrepreneurship gives me so much energy that I'm able to deploy it in a positive manner at scale. And I find it fascinating. And so that is what I continue to go after.

• 44:10Jay Shetty?

  I love that. Gary, 40 minutes with you feels like an hour and two hours with someone else. Thank you, man.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  Thank you, brother.

• 44:15Jay Shetty?

  You're the best. Thank you, brother. I appreciate you so much.