Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show Wife’s Spending Habits Ruined Our Marriage About this episode 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app.
On today’s episode, we hear about:
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A wife debating how to tell her husband she’s done with his dreams
A woman wondering how to stop eating her emotions
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 She started in real estate. She's gone on 11 years and she created kind of what she calls her business account and I do not have access or cannot see that account every year when we go to do our taxes. We owe, you know, a bunch of money.
0:29 Dr. John Delony? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Dude, I feel like my voice just cracked there. Going to puberty.
0:36 Speaker 02 Puberty, finally.
0:37 Dr. John Delony? It was gonna happen.
0:38 Speaker 02 Congratulations.
0:39 Dr. John Delony? Sooner or later. It's a big day for all of us, I guess. Dude, I'm glad you're here. Taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, if you're going through the big changes in your life, I guess like I am. I'm glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and if you'll take 10 seconds, it costs you no money. It's a huge support to the show and especially to Kelly's continued employment. If you will subscribe, like, share, whatever you gotta do in the digital world to let the algorithms know you're a fan of the show. Did I say that right?
1:17 Speaker 02 The very long-winded version, yes, you did.
1:20 Dr. John Delony? That's usually how I do it.
1:21 Speaker 02 I'm fully aware of that.
1:23 Dr. John Delony? It's got, let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Bill. What's up, Bill? How we doing, brother?
1:30 Speaker 00 Hey, I'm doing all right.
1:32 Dr. John Delony? What's going on, man?
1:34 Speaker 00 Well, I'm not feeling great with my marriage right now. My wife is just not been responsible with our finances and tried talking to her repeatedly over the years and it's not getting any better and I don't know what to do.
1:56 Dr. John Delony? Man, how long you all been married?
1:58 Speaker 00 Uh, 20, almost 22 years now.
2:01 Dr. John Delony? 22 years. How old are you?
2:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm 54.
2:06 Dr. John Delony? 54. Um, so we'll get to the money part. Besides money, where are y'all also disconnected?
2:19 Speaker 00 Um, probably just...
2:24 Speaker 00 I'm busy and I travel for work a lot, uh, so it's hard to connect sometimes, uh, when I'm home. Um, we have three kids still at home, uh, so I'm busy with them, school and, uh, they'll be graduating here, well, are graduated, uh, so, uh, just a lot of stuff going on with that.
2:52 Dr. John Delony? Hmm. So tell me about the money situation.
2:56 Speaker 00 Well, she, uh, well, you know, I guess to be honest, we probably always struggled with, with our finances, not been great about budgeting and, and things like that. Um, had a bankruptcy about 12 years ago.
3:11 Dr. John Delony? Oh, wow.
3:11 Speaker 00 Um, yeah. Um, and, you know, we, we've kind of had good years and bad years and she started a, in real estate, uh, she's gone on 11 years and, you know, that can be a struggle in the beginning until she builds up, you know, clientele and stuff. And, uh, you know, she's had good years and bad years and she created kind of what she calls her business account, uh, for, you know, for real estate and all her commissions go into that account and I do not have access or cannot see that account. So I don't know how much she's, how much is coming in, how
3:55 Speaker 00 much is going out. I know that, uh, she doesn't, you know, hold out taxes like she should and pay quarterly. So every year when we go to do our taxes, we owe, you know, a bunch of money and, uh, we have back taxes, uh, that we're making payments on from the IRS and...
4:16 Speaker 00 The bad, I guess the worst part, the thing that's really I'm struggling with right now, she's strung together, you know, been doing really well in her business and had a couple, you know, two and a half, three years now that she's had good years, but the money comes in and then it goes out and next thing you know, we can't afford to pay bills and we're putting things on credit cards until she gets more commission than paying off the credit cards and then the money disappears again and it's just this cycle basically every year of going into debt, big commissions, paying off debt, you know, just this cycle
4:59 Speaker 00 and I can't, I don't know what to do to help her see how that's affecting our relationship and obviously our financial situation.
5:11 Dr. John Delony? What was the root of the bankruptcy 12 years ago?
5:15 Speaker 00 Well, we had three kids in 18 months and she, she stayed home from work for a while and I was working two jobs trying to help, you know, cover bills and then she, you know, went back to work and then got laid off and decided to go in, you know, real estate and so just kind of a combination of, of things and, you know, just not spending while, not keeping track of our, our money.
5:52 Dr. John Delony? It is, man, there's so much here.
5:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:59 Dr. John Delony? Are y'all, are y'all living in a house you can't afford and driving cars you can't afford? Or is this just nickel and diming?
6:07 Speaker 00 No.
6:08 Dr. John Delony? It's just like a hole?
6:09 Speaker 00 That's the worst part. No, our mortgage is about a thousand bucks a month. I make, well, last year about a hundred and fifteen thousand a year and we have five vehicles that are paid for. No car payments.
6:22 Dr. John Delony? So this is just good old fashioned, like, immaturity?
6:32 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think we finally, you know, like you said, she's strung together some good, you know, good years in real estate and I think she's, we're finally able to afford some things and that she's wanted for a long time and like right now we're putting new floors in the house and
6:49 Dr. John Delony? I know, but brother, you can't afford new floors.
6:51 Speaker 00 Remodeling a bathroom.
6:52 Dr. John Delony? You can't, you can't, you can't afford those things.
6:55 Speaker 00 I know.
6:57 Speaker 00 That's, that's the frustration. We have, well, so our twins are graduating high school and one of them will be going off to college and I'm like, you know, we could pay for her year of college with the money we're spending on the remodel.
7:13 Speaker 00 And she's, and still hasn't put aside money for taxes for next year. So come next January, we're gonna owe a bunch of money again and not have any saved.
7:26 Dr. John Delony? But the definition of immaturity is doing whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want, and not caring about the consequences. Like she likes to have her own account for her job and I'm all, like, a business account should be separate from the family finances, but when she gets paid, that goes into the family account.
7:52 Speaker 00 I've, I've suggested that. I said, this is your business account, create a budget.
7:57 Dr. John Delony? Yes.
7:58 Speaker 00 Put that, that stays in the business account, the rest goes in the savings account, and then we decide what to spend that on. But she leaves it in her business account and, and then three months later, between closings, the money's gone.
8:13 Dr. John Delony? I know, but on what, dude? Like, over the last 10 years in Nashville, I can't think of a better job than to have been a real estate agent if you're good.
8:24 Speaker 00 Uh.
8:24 Dr. John Delony? It's been an ATM machine in Nashville, especially the last six years.
8:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's, well, I, I don't know. I mean, I know right now, she buys things for the house to, to fix the house or re, you know, remodel, things like that. Um, she spends a lot of money on the kids that I don't know about, a thousand dollar prom dress, you know, just.
8:56 Dr. John Delony? So here's the deal, here's the deal.
9:04 Dr. John Delony? At the end of the day, I mean, you have to decide if you want to be married to someone who has no interest in being married to you.
9:13 Dr. John Delony? She has no interest in a partnership with you where y'all are co-creating a future together and a present together.
9:21 Dr. John Delony? She likes it when you bail her out every year because she's been so immature with her spending and with her business and with her, she hides things from you, she buys things, spends thousands of dollars, like, it's madness.
9:40 Dr. John Delony? And then she comes to you with her hand out at the end of every year saying, "Hey, I owe $40,000 in taxes." And you're, and you say, "We're on a payment plan for last year's taxes." And she goes, "I know, but look at this new bathroom I started." Like, I, I can't tell whether you, like, let me, let me ask you this question. This is a weird question to ask. What happens if she says, "I want to redo the bathroom," and you say, "No, we're not doing, we're not doing construction on this house until you've paid quarterly taxes." What's the ramifications in your home? What happens?
10:24 Speaker 00 She does, she does it anyway.
10:26 Dr. John Delony? Just contractors just show up to the house?
10:29 Speaker 00 So, yeah, so like this year in January, we sat down and talked about finances and she's like, "Here's what I have in my pipeline, here's what I have already, closings are scheduled, I should be, I should have like $65,000, you know, by May."
10:51 Speaker 00 I'm like, great, we can pay off the $10,000 from our 2024 taxes that we're making payments on. We can set aside 20% of those commissions for next year's taxes. We can pay off the credit card debt.
11:05 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
11:05 Speaker 00 Right? We can pay off the credit card debt. And then we can, after all that, and put, you know, five, six thousand in savings, then we can start doing some home projects if you want. If you're having that good of a year, then we can start all this. And it'll be amazing. I can't wait. And next thing you know, she, well, we're having a graduation party for the kids and she wanted the house to look nice. So instead of paying off previous taxes and whatever,
11:42 Speaker 00 we are getting flooring.
11:45 Speaker 00 And uh,
11:45 Dr. John Delony? I know, but what keeps you from calling the police and telling these men they're not welcome in your home?
11:51 Speaker 00 Oh, wow.
11:54 Dr. John Delony? Like, here's the deal. At some point, you have to do one of two things. You have to draw a hard line
12:03 Dr. John Delony? and say you're putting our home at risk.
12:08 Dr. John Delony? Like you're, you're, we are financially unstable. We're in debt to the federal government, for God's sakes.
12:16 Speaker 00 Right.
12:17 Dr. John Delony? We're in debt to all these other credit card companies.
12:22 Dr. John Delony? We cannot do home projects. Our kids are about to have to borrow money to go to college because we have together been irresponsible. And it's gone on for, for 20 years. You have to start living in reality in your home because you live with someone who doesn't.
12:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:41 Dr. John Delony? And that reality is, I will not be married to somebody who is
12:49 Dr. John Delony? so irresponsible and irresponsible and immature with their business, with our family, with our finances. We're not co-creating a future together.
13:00 Dr. John Delony? We are
13:01 Speaker 00 That's kind of what I fear. At my age, I'm kind of looking at, you know, kids going off to college. I'm kind of looking into the future a little bit, like retirements, semi-retirement, whatever. And I, I just
13:14 Dr. John Delony? Can you afford, retirement's a number dude, can you even afford that?
13:18 Speaker 00 I don't know how we get there. Yeah, that's, I mean.
13:23 Dr. John Delony? There's gonna come a month or three months or six months where there's not another commission to come bail out last month's immaturity.
13:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:32 Dr. John Delony? And I promise, I promise you-
13:35 Speaker 00 I made enough to pay all our bills. I mean, with my salary and, and wise spending, we can pay all our bills and all our commissions should be extra.
13:46 Dr. John Delony? I know dude, but if y'all were united in this thing, and I'm preaching to the choir here, if y'all were united in this thing, in this season of blessing where y'all are in right now, y'all could get so far ahead.
13:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:59 Dr. John Delony? You could have an amazing, astounding, earth-shattering, fun, memorable, exciting graduation party without new floors, for God's sakes.
14:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:11 Dr. John Delony? You know what I mean?
14:13 Speaker 00 Uh, yeah.
14:16 Speaker 00 I do.
14:17 Dr. John Delony? But here's the thing. It, just listening to how you're talking, I get, man, I've talked to, to husbands who are just beat down. I've talked to them over and over and over again.
14:29 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to go through an exercise by yourself where you imagine yourself getting out of the trunk of your own car and getting into the driver's seat and asking yourself, what do I want?
14:42 Dr. John Delony? And if you want to stay married to this woman, and she's irresponsible, then you have to make some choices because you have, somebody has to live in reality.
14:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:54 Dr. John Delony? You have a thousand dollar a month mortgage and no car payments. You make a hundred and fifteen grand a year right now. You should have well in excess of your, what it costs to keep the lights on and the water running.
15:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:09 Dr. John Delony? And so you're gonna have to decide, I'm not going out to eat. And if she says, we're going out to eat tonight, you can say, I'm not.
15:17 Dr. John Delony? Cause I'm trying to plan for our future.
15:19 Speaker 00 I, I, I'd stay home when she wants to go out to eat.
15:25 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
15:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:28 Dr. John Delony? But you'll need to have a bigger conversation about your marriage because you have a very, you don't have a marriage, you have a roommate.
15:37 Dr. John Delony? Who
15:37 Speaker 00 I tried to tell her, I, I, I mentioned, I said, you know, if, if we got divorced, you would have to be more financially responsible. Why don't you just do it now?
15:49 Dr. John Delony? Does she want to be married to you?
15:54 Speaker 00 I, I think so. I hope so. I
15:57 Dr. John Delony? Okay, you need to ask that question.
15:59 Speaker 00 Married to her. We were high school sweethearts. Like, uh,
16:02 Dr. John Delony? Great.
16:02 Speaker 00 We went to prom together and that, yeah.
16:04 Dr. John Delony? Great. You have a lot of history and that's, that's beautiful and amazing and it should be a great foundation, but right now it's an anchor at the bottom of the ocean.
16:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:16 Dr. John Delony? If behavior is a language, she is telling you, I don't care what you think. I don't care what you want. I'm gonna do what I want to do.
16:26 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:27 Dr. John Delony? And I will figure it out next month. And when I can't figure it out next month, like every December 15th or every April 15th, more like it.
16:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:35 Dr. John Delony? You need to write a check to the federal government and figure it out.
16:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:44 Dr. John Delony? Behavior is a language. She does not want to be married, which is she wants to co-create an awesome life together.
16:54 Dr. John Delony? She wants to do what she wants to do.
16:57 Dr. John Delony? I can't tell you what to do next, but I'll strongly recommend, get out of the trunk of your own car, man.
17:04 Dr. John Delony? And this doesn't have to be a fight, a loud conversation. This can be a gentle, quiet, direct, clear as kind conversation. I can't live like this anymore.
17:17 Dr. John Delony? I've got to make a separate account because I'm worried about our future because you're spending it last month.
17:26 Dr. John Delony? And my goodness, how amazing it is if you don't owe anybody anything and then you start getting these commission checks. You know what y'all can do? Whatever you want.
17:38 Dr. John Delony? But man, so I, man, I hate this for you. I hate, it breaks my heart talking to men whose wives just run over them and just drag them around. And either allow it or draw a line. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a woman wonders how to ask her husband to let go of his failing business without making him feel like a failure. We'll be right back.
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20:55 Speaker 03 Not much. Um, I was just wondering how I can convince my husband to give up his failing business without making him feel like a failure.
21:05 Dr. John Delony? Oh, man.
21:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:07 Dr. John Delony? Um, you, I'll answer it this way, and then I want to hear some more. You can't make, um, you can't be responsible for how your husband feels.
21:21 Dr. John Delony? He gets to own the, his reactions to hard conversations.
21:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:28 Dr. John Delony? So tell me about his business.
21:31 Speaker 03 Well, so it goes pretty deep. His trucking business was first seeded with a HELOC on the house that I owned prior to us getting married.
21:41 Dr. John Delony? Oh geez.
21:42 Speaker 03 Yeah. This and that happened. Pretty horrible things happened. In the meantime, I had to foot all these bills like with my credit card. Um, all the money from the HELOC was just lost. He was later able to get a loan so that he could lease a truck to own. Um, but there are constantly issues where he doesn't have enough money saved up to resolve the issue. So I have to pay it and put it on my credit card. His money brings in, or his money, his business brings in no money for our household.
22:18 Dr. John Delony? This, it's not a business then?
22:21 Speaker 03 Uh, yes, exactly. How I convinced him of this?
22:24 Dr. John Delony? It's a truck drive. I mean, it's math. It's a truck driving hobby.
22:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:30 Dr. John Delony? It's like a four wheeler hobby, except it's humongous four wheeler. I mean,
22:35 Speaker 03 And it's, it's this.
22:36 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, it's not a business.
22:39 Dr. John Delony? And so your husband may not be a failure. I, I've got my own opinions about that, but his, like what he's doing makes no money. That means it's not a business.
22:50 Speaker 03 Right.
22:51 Dr. John Delony? And it's not in some sort of investment phase. Right? How long has this been going on?
22:57 Speaker 03 Five years.
22:57 Dr. John Delony? Five years. Yeah. We're well past it.
23:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:03 Dr. John Delony? Um, but I'm more concerned not that he tried something and it failed and he tried it in a couple of really dumb ways. Taking a HELOC out on your house, started trucking business. My gosh. Let's put a, our, let's put our safest place on the planet on the block. Right?
23:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:21 Dr. John Delony? Um,
23:24 Dr. John Delony? it's that you don't respect him. I can hear it in your voice.
23:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:27 Dr. John Delony? And now you're starting to resent him and I can hear it in your voice.
23:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:31 Dr. John Delony? And that means your marriage is on its last breath here.
23:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:38 Dr. John Delony? Have you had that conversation?
23:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, a lot of times when we do have these conversations, I try to be, first, I get really emotional having tough conversations, but I try to be calm and I try to have the conversation. And at the end of it, I always just feel like I'm like a horrible wife who's just beating down my husband who's trying to do something and make something of himself. And so, nothing ever comes out of it. Like, I give him money for his business all the time. Like, literally, this business cost me so much money, just so that he can say he's an entrepreneur.
24:15 Dr. John Delony? Okay, well, that ends today. But, but, just the fact that you're, you're saying, "It's my money" versus "our money."
24:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:32 Dr. John Delony? And maybe you've had to wrap your head around it, but you started the conversation by saying, "My house."
24:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:38 Dr. John Delony? He took a lot of loan out on my house when we got married. And then I had to give him my money.
24:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:44 Dr. John Delony? That tells me y'all aren't united here. And I don't know if that's how you, like, that's how you started your marriage off, or you were pretty adamant, "This, I'm gonna have my money, you have your money."
24:55 Speaker 03 No, we had a discussion prior to getting married. Um, I thought we would have joint accounts, have a joint account, and then like each have our own little account. Um, when we got married, I kept pushing and pushing for that, and he finally just came out and said, "I don't want a joint account."
25:12 Dr. John Delony? Then your money doesn't go into his account anymore.
25:16 Speaker 03 Right. But how is that gonna, how do I make him not resent me in return? Because what he sees is he sees that I have the capability to help him, and I would choose not to.
25:28 Dr. John Delony? You're not helping him. He's an alcoholic begging you for a drink, and you keep buying it for him. What you're giving him is not help. You're numbing him out to the reality that he is a failed entrepreneur. Doesn't mean he's a failure as a human.
25:47 Speaker 03 Right.
25:49 Dr. John Delony? But he's not good at this thing.
25:51 Speaker 03 No, he's not.
25:52 Dr. John Delony? And our family's finances are not gonna continue to prop up your ego.
25:57 Speaker 03 Right.
25:59 Dr. John Delony? You have to deal in reality.
26:03 Dr. John Delony? And so a clear as kind conversation from this point forward,
26:09 Dr. John Delony? I'm going to continue to put our money into an account, but that money is going to be designated, it's going to be budgeted and designated for retirement, for our kids, to pay our house off,
26:23 Dr. John Delony? to pay off credit cards. Zero dollars will go into this trucking business. If it can't afford it, if it can't afford itself, then it ends, like all businesses do.
26:37 Speaker 03 So I asked him to get out of the business and let the truck go, because he still owes on it. And he said that he discussed that with the people, whatever, and
26:52 Speaker 03 they said that they would sell it at auction, and it probably wouldn't bring much, but he would still be responsible for paying off the rest of the truck.
26:59 Dr. John Delony? That's true. Well, hold on, is he leasing it or buying it?
27:06 Speaker 03 Leasing it, I guess. Well, he's trying to buy it. He uses it while he's trying to pay it off.
27:11 Dr. John Delony? Well, it's either a purchase or a lease. If he's leasing it, you turn the lease back over and you pay the penalty.
27:18 Speaker 03 Oh, it's a purchase then.
27:20 Dr. John Delony? Okay, then that means he took out a loan.
27:22 Speaker 03 Yes.
27:24 Dr. John Delony? And is paying this truck off.
27:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:27 Dr. John Delony? Yes, and if it gets repo'd, he's exactly right. They will sell it for almost nothing, and then he'll be responsible for the difference.
27:36 Speaker 03 Right.
27:39 Dr. John Delony? And since he is adamant about keeping his money separate, then he can go get three other jobs to pay that off. But he wants his cake and he wants you to pay for it.
27:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:50 Dr. John Delony? And he wants you to make it, and he wants to walk around town holding the cake and eating it and saying, "Look at this cake."
27:58 Dr. John Delony? But let me put it this way, you trying to protect him from "feeling bad" is digging a deeper and deeper and deeper hole for your family. It's ending your marriage.
28:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:12 Dr. John Delony? Right?
28:15 Speaker 03 It is.
28:19 Dr. John Delony? And so I think it's fair, not only think it's fair, I think it's right. I think it's honest for you to sit down and look him in the eye and say, here's where I'm at.
28:28 Dr. John Delony? And use the words, we, we have been pumping money into this and it's failed.
28:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:34 Dr. John Delony? We're in a, we're in a humongous, what are you going to do with a paid off truck? That's depreciated all the way down on a business that makes zero dollars.
28:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:44 Dr. John Delony? You know what I mean?
28:45 Speaker 03 Mm hmm.
28:47 Dr. John Delony? Let me rephrase it this way and make it a little bit more simple. You have to decide what you are going to do. And you have to decide who you are going to be.
29:03 Dr. John Delony? And if you want to be his mom and keep supporting his failing lawn business, then so be it. But don't resent him for it because it's a choice you're making.
29:11 Speaker 03 Right.
29:14 Dr. John Delony? And if you want to look five years, 10 years down the road, the other direction of the future y'all are co-creating.
29:21 Dr. John Delony? And say, we're going to lose our house. We're going to lose a hundred grand on a failed truck purchase.
29:32 Dr. John Delony? I don't, I don't know what the economics are. I don't know if he can find somebody to come in and take over his payment. I don't know how any of that works. I do know when I co-host the Ramsey show, I'm constantly getting calls from truck drivers who are in bad arrangements, who, who were so desperate to quote unquote, get their own truck. That they sign their life away and now they're in a mess.
29:52 Speaker 03 Yeah.
29:52 Dr. John Delony? And as the truck, the trucking industry has really been rocky the last 24 months.
30:01 Dr. John Delony? It's been a mess for a whole bunch of drivers.
30:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:08 Dr. John Delony? But I don't know the economics of that. I know the, I know the reality of your marriage and it's, it's on its last thread, right?
30:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:16 Dr. John Delony? Does he know that?
30:17 Speaker 03 It really, it's, well, yeah. I mean, he tells me that he's afraid I'm going to leave it. And really it's the financial things.
30:24 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, but the, the financial things are, are what floats up to the surface. Underneath it is you have a husband that doesn't care about you. You have a husband that cares more about his ego and his business than he cares about having a stable, secure, peaceful home.
30:39 Speaker 03 What does that say about the marriage I'm in?
30:41 Dr. John Delony? Exactly.
30:45 Dr. John Delony? And you know that in the middle of your chest, you're just scared to say it out loud because it shines a light on the reality of your situation, right?
30:52 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:57 Dr. John Delony? But if you haven't sat down and been clear about, here's what I want.
31:03 Dr. John Delony? I want a home that you come into every day that I'm happy that you're here. I want a home where we're united on stuff.
31:12 Dr. John Delony? I want a home where I don't feel like I'm propping up nothing but your ego.
31:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
31:18 Dr. John Delony? I don't want a home where I need to have a hard conversation and I walk away feeling like I'm a terrible person.
31:25 Dr. John Delony? Because I not only have to tell you the truth about our financial situation, but then I gotta massage your ego, make sure you're okay, and pat you on the head. I don't want to do that either. I need you to be a grown man.
31:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
31:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, because our kids are young. We have a three-year-old and a three-month-old.
31:42 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
31:48 Speaker 03 I have so much resentment because
31:52 Speaker 03 my dad worked so hard to set up all of his kids for a great future. When I moved to the city, when I got my job, I bought a house for so cheap. I had my car. When he and I got married, we both paid off our cars. I had the house down where I only owed $10,000 on it. And that's when I was bragging to him about, look what we've done. We put all of our money into the mortgage and now we're gonna have it paid off in just a couple of months. He just saw dollar signs.
32:22 Speaker 03 And I just cannot move past like that resentment I feel to him.
32:26 Dr. John Delony? But you signed the paper too.
32:27 Speaker 03 I know.
32:38 Dr. John Delony? And so, own your part of it.
32:44 Dr. John Delony? And part of the hard conversation you need to have is, I went along with this. And so I'm taking, I'm taking more than my share of responsibility and this ends today. How much do you owe on this house now?
32:58 Speaker 03 I think like thirty something.
33:00 Dr. John Delony? Okay. That's still a really small amount.
33:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:07 Dr. John Delony? It's a very, very manageable amount.
33:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:13 Dr. John Delony? And so blame fairly.
33:16 Dr. John Delony? Blame him, fine, but also blame yourself because you participated in this. And then be really clear about who you're gonna be next and what you're gonna do next.
33:24 Speaker 03 Okay.
33:25 Dr. John Delony? And behavior is a language. If he wants to be married to you, then he's going to say, I want to be married to you more than I want to walk around the neighborhood calling myself an entrepreneur.
33:35 Speaker 03 Right.
33:41 Dr. John Delony? And together, y'all have to figure out how to get out of this mess if he wants to be together.
33:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:49 Dr. John Delony? But it sounds like he's getting the world he wants, which is, I don't want to share money with you. Okay?
33:56 Dr. John Delony? If you want to look him in the eye and say, I, as your wife, will not borrow any more money. I've put a freeze on my account, on my credit report, so that no more accounts can be taken out of my name.
34:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:10 Dr. John Delony? How much do you owe on this truck?
34:14 Speaker 03 Uh, forty.
34:16 Dr. John Delony? You cut out again.
34:18 Speaker 03 Forty three.
34:19 Dr. John Delony? Forty?
34:20 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
34:21 Dr. John Delony? How much do you make in your job?
34:23 Speaker 03 I make fifty-four thousand.
34:31 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, he's got to call it. And y'all are gonna have a forty thousand dollar.
34:37 Dr. John Delony? Like really ugly cancer that y'all gotta pay off if he wants to go get a real job and start bringing income into the house. Has he not made any money in five years?
34:48 Speaker 03 Not really.
34:49 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
34:50 Speaker 03 When I met him, he was also a teacher.
34:53 Dr. John Delony? He would have been, y'all would have been a million miles ahead of where you are now if he stayed a teacher.
34:58 Speaker 03 I know, I know.
35:00 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so I mean, here's the deal. The best way you can love him right now is for you to sit down. And by the way, I get emotional too during hard conversations, so I often write things down. Write it down and read him a letter.
35:14 Dr. John Delony? And say, I'm gonna be as honest as I can about the state of our marriage, state of our finances. Here and get all of your financial stuff in order, all the debts, write them all down, smallest to largest. If you want to like stay married, here's what must be true. I don't trust you anymore. I've lost respect in you.
35:35 Dr. John Delony? And I still want to be married to you.
35:38 Dr. John Delony? But here's what that's gonna look like. And then he gets to be a grown up and decide, does he still want to be married to you? Or does he want to take his ego and his entrepreneur title and continue parading around town in a truck he can't afford?
35:53 Dr. John Delony? Man, it's a mess, man. It's a mess. I'm sorry that you're in it. But we gotta turn the lights on, stop the music, stop dancing, stop all the charade. And we have to choose reality. Here's the reality of our situation, both financially, both relationally. In our marriage, we got two little kids. We get to choose what happens next.
36:15 Dr. John Delony? And since you've left me all alone, here's what I'm gonna choose to do next with my money. And here's what I'm gonna choose to do next with my character and my integrity.
36:25 Dr. John Delony? And I hope he exhales and says, you're right. I'm all in. I hope, hope, hope.
36:34 Dr. John Delony? Thanks for the call. When we come back, a woman asks how to stop using food as her coping mechanism and deal with the deeper emotional issues. We'll be right back. As you know, I am a believer in therapy. It's a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges, and practice new ways of relating to others and living life in the presence of a trained professional. But sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50-minute session. Sometimes pausing the grind of everyday life and digging into a multi-day intensive experience with your spouse or with your kids can transform everything in your home, your marriage, and your life. I want to tell you about Capstone Wellness and their Vine and Root program. It's a deeper level of care. It's a three-to-five-day
37:19 Dr. John Delony? therapy intensive for couples, families, and individuals who need more than once-a-week sessions to change your life. Whether it's trauma, addiction, marriage challenges, burnout, or anything, the therapist at Vine and Root can help you get to core issues, and this is important, leave with tools and a plan. They are a Christian organization, but they help people of all faiths, backgrounds, and experiences. They follow a strict code of ethics, and they don't push anything on anybody. Vine and Root is a real investment of your time, your energy, and your money. But if you're serious about getting well, change requires serious commitment. Go to capstonewellness.com/dalony and click on Vine and Root to learn
38:01 Dr. John Delony? more. That's capstonewellness.com/dalony. All right, San Francisco, California. Let's talk to Jennifer. Hey, Jennifer, what's up?
38:12 Speaker 04 Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
38:14 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing all right. How are you?
38:16 Speaker 04 Nervous all of a sudden, but excited.
38:19 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. What's going on?
38:22 Speaker 04 So, I wanted to ask you how I can stop using food as a coping mechanism. I don't have any other vices in my life. Really, the only thing I do, I don't drink, I don't smoke, or vape, or any of the things. The only thing I've ever used, I guess, without knowing it, to make myself feel better is food. Anytime I'm stressed, I'm bored, I'm anxious, any of the above, food is...
38:54 Speaker 04 Basically, my coping mechanism, um, and I, I have a family that comes from addiction and things. And, you know, for them, it was a matter of just get sober and just never do it again.
39:08 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, you can't do that with food.
39:09 Speaker 04 How, yeah, no.
39:11 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
39:12 Speaker 04 So I'm wondering, uh, if you have any insight on how I can stop using food for that.
39:19 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I mean, I'm an emotional eater too. Um, uh, my, my question is, anytime I'm talking with somebody who's either struggling with addiction or a numbing agent is to kind of flip the conversation on its head and suggest that alcohol works, eating works, eating takes, takes the edge off of boredom. It takes the edge off of anxiousness. It just does, right? And it always comes with the shame aftermath and the guilt aftermath and the shirts that don't fit and the pants that don't fit. I mean, it comes with consequences like all vices do, but it works. And so what I would ask you is, what is, what is going on in your life that you feel like you need to numb away?
40:02 Dr. John Delony? Or what is your body feeling anxious about that's trying to get your attention about something in your environment? Um, or in your relationships that you're trying to quiet those alarms with food?
40:17 Speaker 04 So that's, that's my big question, I guess, for myself. I figured you'd probably ask that. Um, I don't know. I mean, my marriage is really healthy and incredible. Um, I have a great relationship with my family members. Um, you know, my mom and my brother and other family members. Um, I feel like my relationships are pretty strong in my life.
40:40 Dr. John Delony? That's awesome.
40:41 Speaker 04 Um, yeah, so I, I'm thinking it must just be, um, maybe my job at this point in my life. Um, I work for myself and I run a business by myself. Um, so everything's on me every day and especially in my busier seasons, that becomes a lot. Um, so it could very well be my job. Um.
41:07 Dr. John Delony? Are you professionally lonely?
41:10 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah. It's, it's a one-person job. You're, yeah, you're behind a screen and you're mostly by yourself for the entirety of the job.
41:25 Dr. John Delony? Do you have a group of girlfriends that you just go hang out with, raise havoc with?
41:30 Speaker 04 I do. It's hard to get all of our schedules to line up, especially because mine's so odd, but I do have a pretty good group of girlfriends to lean on.
41:44 Dr. John Delony? What's the state of your job financially?
41:48 Speaker 04 It's actually, it's doing very well, which is actually part of the intimidating part because I'm just one person. I'm doing really well. I'm in my busiest season right now.
42:02 Speaker 04 And yeah, things are going really well, but that means the pressure's on for me. I have a lot of deadlines to meet and I have to deliver creatively and emotionally to every client that I come in contact with.
42:16 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, that's a lot.
42:18 Speaker 04 Yeah.
42:19 Dr. John Delony? Is it as, I mean, you come from a, from a home with addiction. Is that fair?
42:27 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
42:28 Dr. John Delony? Okay. What is this, what is success in this job? What does it get you?
42:35 Dr. John Delony? More work?
42:38 Speaker 04 Yeah.
42:39 Dr. John Delony? And then what does that get you? More success, which gives you what? More work?
42:44 Speaker 04 Yeah.
42:45 Dr. John Delony? So give me a finish line, meaning how will you know when you can exhale?
42:53 Speaker 04 Honestly, probably when we pay our house off and I don't have to keep running anymore.
42:58 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Is, is that a goal you and your spouse are working hard towards?
43:02 Speaker 04 Yeah. He's working very hard as well. He's pulling lots of overtime and he's incredible.
43:08 Dr. John Delony? How close are you?
43:11 Speaker 04 My spouse and I?
43:12 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no, no. How close are you to paying off your house?
43:15 Speaker 04 Oh God, we still have about 360,000 to go.
43:19 Dr. John Delony? Okay. I mean, you're, you're in the Bay area, so that might be one contract for you or that might be 10 years. Give me a timeline.
43:29 Speaker 04 We knocked our budget out and it looks like about four to five years if we really Ramsey it out, which we've done before. So we know the program.
43:38 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. So four to five years is, is a long sprint.
43:42 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:44 Dr. John Delony? That's like trying to sprint a 10K. That's too far to sprint. If it was two years, I would say.
43:51 Dr. John Delony? Like, so here, here's how I want to kind of navigate this. One is, let's don't blame the food. Let's look at the food as a solution. Okay?
44:00 Speaker 04 Okay.
44:00 Dr. John Delony? And let's look at what may be on fire that our body need is, is trying to get our attention about. And so let's stop going to war with food. Okay?
44:11 Speaker 04 Okay.
44:12 Dr. John Delony? The second thing is, is one time, um, not, not the current book I just finished, but the one before. Um, I was talking to one of the top fitness and nutrition guys on the planet. And I said, hey, I'm entering into a book season and I have snacks by me all the time. It's just, I just helps me get into a laser beam. And, but I don't want to do, I don't want to do that. I'm going to feel guilty. And he said something that changed my life. He said, hey, for a season, just don't waste the calories. And I said, what do you mean? And he said, if you're heading into a really creative season and it's not for the rest of your life, it's for a short season.
44:54 Dr. John Delony? Then just make sure you spend some time lifting heavyweights.
45:00 Dr. John Delony? I said, really? And he goes, yeah, I just don't waste the calories. And what he did for me there was he just unhooked the guilt and the shame from it. Now, the calories I was eating was mostly gummy candies, which weren't great, right?
45:15 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
45:15 Dr. John Delony? But then I'd go down to the gym and I'd be like, I'm not going to waste these calories. But for me, it was mostly psychological, but what it gave me in that process was for a short season, I'm not going to go to war with my body. I'm not a loser. I'm not a failure.
45:29 Dr. John Delony? I'm going to be, I'm going to be unintentional here so I can be hyper intentional there.
45:35 Dr. John Delony? And another way to say that is, I don't fall off the wagon very often, but sometimes I'll climb off that wagon and I will just roll around in the mud. And then I'll get back on my wagon and I'll get mud all on the wagon and I'll have to clean it later. You get, you get the difference?
45:53 Speaker 04 Yeah, so basically not punishing myself for that and just going harder on other things like the gym and running when I have the time.
46:01 Dr. John Delony? If, if, and here's the if. If, A, you can be highly intentional about the whole thing and B, you, you are really cognizant of the inner dialogue you have with yourself.
46:17 Speaker 04 Okay.
46:17 Dr. John Delony? And if you are at war with yourself, I'm more concerned about the voices, the stories you're telling yourself than I am that you're in a really busy season and you're snacking more.
46:31 Speaker 04 Yeah, I think it's, that's my big concern too. It's definitely the, the inner voices that are not seasonal, you know? Cause I feel like I don't struggle with discipline in other areas of my life and that's why this has been so hard for me to understand where it's coming from.
46:49 Dr. John Delony? Oh, I think it makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense. Yeah, so I mean, you're stressed and if you, if discipline, and, and, and I'm a pretty disciplined guy. Discipline can also be another, it's another form of stress.
47:06 Speaker 04 Yeah.
47:07 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so if discipline is the, your ticket to the thing, if you're disciplined about the things you do that are gonna give you the great life, it's awesome. If discipline is another thing you have to go to war with
47:24 Dr. John Delony? yourself every day of your life, it's not discipline, it's torture.
47:30 Speaker 04 That's what it feels like with food for some reason.
47:33 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I mean, but again, if you look at food as the enemy, it's always, I mean, it's gonna, it's, that's a battle you can't lose because it's evolutionary, right? It's biology, it's physiological, like, you're gonna lose that fight.
47:46 Speaker 04 Yeah.
47:47 Dr. John Delony? Or, I made peace with the fact that engineered food, those guys are better than me. They've studied my body and my brain chemistry to a science. They win. And so there is points when I have to say for this season, I'm just not gonna eat these foods. I'm gonna be pretty restrictive, and there's some benefits to that, there's some negative things to that. But I know, kinda like, let me put it this way, I know people who've been through recovery with alcohol, who can now have a glass of wine at a wedding, no problem. And I've got close friends who are like, dude, if I have a single glass of wine, if I have one beer, I'll wake up three days later, coke down on my mind. And they just know, right? And so I know there's been years of my life when I got restrictive about eating,
48:32 Dr. John Delony? I'm not gonna eat candy this month, I knew on the other side of this thing, I am going to be a monster, right? And I know for myself now, if I have some candy, I'm gonna wake up three days later in a diabetic coma. I know that. And so, I'm gonna avoid it. And when I don't avoid it, I walked into a hotel, I was doing a speaking event the other day, and whoever signed me up, I mean, whoever hired me for this event, knows I talk about candy a lot. Dude, my room, there was these gift bags so full of gummy candies, it was unbelievable. And I sat there for a second, and I had a moment, and I remember smiling, alone in a hotel in a strange city, and I was like, I'm gonna crush this, right?
49:17 Dr. John Delony? And I knew what it would cause, and all that, it was fine. But I'm not going to war with food anymore. What I wanna ask myself is, am I being intentional about showing up as my best self?
49:31 Speaker 04 Okay.
49:31 Dr. John Delony? And so I'll ask you, if you're in a really busy season, give yourself some grace, number one. B, like, what are the things you need to do not to make sure you're crushing your morning routine, but to make sure you're not at war with yourself?
49:51 Speaker 04 Okay.
49:53 Dr. John Delony? I have not found a way to do this, either working with people or personally where I'm not writing these things down. I, for years, I still have it in my bag right now. I rarely write in it now because I've gotten a much better grasp on them. And that's my promise to you, is your default setting will change over time if you'll be intentional about it. But I just write down those, those stories that my brain just starts telling myself.
50:21 Speaker 04 Okay, I can do that.
50:23 Dr. John Delony? You fat loser. What a bum. Here you are telling your buddy that you're disciplined and you just ate that candy. What a loser. I'll write, I wrote those down for years. And then I would challenge it. I would demand evidence from those stories. Is that true? No. Did I come out of a really bad, my, my boss, right outside of his office, is a drawer, like a, not one drawer, two drawers, filled to the top with every snack you could imagine. It's an addict's dream. And there's been a few meetings that come out, they were, they were really hard meetings I had in there. And I would have to walk past this thing and I'll grab something out of there. And I'll write it down, you undisciplined loser.
51:07 Dr. John Delony? Is that true? No. Did I have a bad meeting? Yeah. Was I unintentional, unintentional for a few minutes? Yeah. Am I a good husband? Good guy? Yeah. All right, I'm gonna move on about my life. You know what I'm saying?
51:20 Speaker 04 Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I can do that.
51:24 Dr. John Delony? And if you-
51:25 Speaker 04 So some things- Go ahead, sorry.
51:26 Dr. John Delony? No, you go ahead, go ahead.
51:29 Speaker 04 So some things I should try are writing down the stories-
51:32 Dr. John Delony? Yes.
51:32 Speaker 04 -when they pop up and challenging them.
51:34 Dr. John Delony? Keep, keep that journal with you-
51:36 Speaker 04 And maybe doing some more self-care.
51:37 Dr. John Delony? Keep that journal with you at all times.
51:40 Speaker 04 Okay.
51:41 Dr. John Delony? And ask yourself, I want you to ask yourself, and you may, your husband's perspective may be great on this, my wife was really insightful with this with me. What is my disciplined routine? What is it getting me? Is it getting me another cage that I've locked from the inside out? Or is, like Jaco says, is discipline actually the key to the free life? Right? If I get up in the morning early and I go work out and I go get some morning sunlight and I wrestle with my kids or have breakfast with my kids or my wife, that actually sets me on a day that's gonna be a pretty awesome day. But it used to, my morning routine used to be a prison.
52:27 Dr. John Delony? You get the difference?
52:28 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
52:32 Dr. John Delony? But also, could I just cheer you on for a second? If you come from a home, a long line of folks who struggle with addiction, since you were really young, you had the insight that you needed to be a certain way or you weren't worth being loved.
52:52 Dr. John Delony? And that's not true.
52:57 Speaker 04 Thank you.
52:59 Dr. John Delony? If you're, if you get no more clients, you're still worth being loved. And I bet you're still a pretty damn good wife, too.
53:08 Speaker 04 Thank you. Yeah, my husband's actually with me, he's sitting next to me on the phone and shaking his head, yes.
53:15 Dr. John Delony? Okay. People who come from homes whose parents struggle with addiction, who had siblings who struggle with addiction, they have to, they're trying to prove to the world that they're worth being loved.
53:29 Dr. John Delony? And your body can't carry that weight and it's always gonna need extrinsic vices to make everything, to take the razor's edge off of just being alive every day.
53:42 Dr. John Delony? That's why in the 12-step programs, the powerlessness, like submitting to a higher power, I'm powerless, that is you setting down the knife that you're running around trying to cut everything down with. Like, I can't, I can't do it.
53:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, I think that definitely has a huge part to play. Um, my dad actually passed away when I was 11 from a brain tumor and of course, I'm the oldest daughter, so there was this weird unspoken like taking his place, filling his shoes kind of thing growing up and I, I know now as an adult that I, I can't do that and I don't need to do that and that's not on me, but I definitely still live my life
54:27 Speaker 04 as if, you know, I still look out for my sibling and my mom kind of in the place of my dad and they definitely lean on me like that, so.
54:36 Dr. John Delony? Will you do something awesome? Don't do it for me, do it for you. You don't have to if you don't want to. I would love for you to write your dad a letter.
54:47 Dr. John Delony? What's his name?
54:48 Speaker 04 I can do that. Ken.
54:50 Dr. John Delony? Ken. Was he awesome? Like your, your, your faded memories of him, was he awesome?
54:55 Speaker 04 Oh yeah, he was amazing.
54:56 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to write him a letter.
55:02 Dr. John Delony? I don't want you to tell him what an amazing woman you've become.
55:08 Dr. John Delony? I want you to tell him about this badass husband you married. Kind of goofy, kind of weird, but he's awesome.
55:16 Dr. John Delony? And if you have kids, I want you to tell them about them.
55:21 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to tell your dad in this letter, I've worked really hard to fill your shoes for all these years and I realize that's not my job.
55:31 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to write that letter. I want you to read it out loud to your husband. I want you to share it.
55:41 Speaker 04 Alright.
55:44 Dr. John Delony? And then if you grab a doughnut, do it intentionally.
55:52 Dr. John Delony? It's the mindlessness which gets us in trouble, right?
55:55 Speaker 04 Yeah.
55:56 Dr. John Delony? And if you're heading into a month that is your craziest season, just don't waste the calories, man. Give it to yourself.
56:03 Dr. John Delony? Just commit to, "I'm not gonna, I'm gonna write down those shame sentences. I'm gonna write down those ugly stories I tell myself. And if I put on five pounds over the next two months, I'll go, "Yep, I was pretty intentional about that. I rolled around in the mud and I got muddy." Cool. You get what I'm saying? And I'm gonna, I'm gonna even do the work to, to, to get those five pounds off. And I'm not gonna wanna do it, but I'm going to. But all that's different then. I suck. And now I gotta extra go to the gym because I gained five pounds and I'm a loser. You get the difference?
56:34 Speaker 04 Yeah, definitely.
56:36 Dr. John Delony? It's remembering why I'm working in the first place. I work so I can have this awesome life that me and my husband wanna co-create together. I'm not working to prove that I'm worth being loved.
56:47 Dr. John Delony? I wanna be healthy because I wanna enjoy every last drop of this crazy thing called life. Not so that I can get to the end of my life when you and him are old and wrinkled and on the front porch of your house in rocking chairs. And you look at him and you say, "Aren't you so glad that I stayed at this percent body fat?" He's like, "I care. He's gonna be so glad he's holding your hand."
57:11 Speaker 04 That's true.
57:17 Speaker 04 Well, thank you so much. That's really helpful and I will be getting a journal today, it sounds like.
57:22 Dr. John Delony? Awesome. And if he wants to be a gangster, he can get one too. Y'all can share stories.
57:30 Dr. John Delony? Just tell him to not try to fix your stories just yet, okay? Because most husbands wanna fix those stories. "That's not true!" And then it just makes them sound crazy.
57:39 Speaker 04 Alrighty.
57:40 Dr. John Delony? If you don't, if you don't wanna share stories, my wife and I would never do that. So I'm just asking, I'll do something I would never do in my house. If y'all wanna share stories, it can be a pretty intimate thing. I've heard from couples all over.
57:53 Dr. John Delony? Especially if you don't try to heal each other's stories. You just nod and say, "Thanks for sharing."
57:59 Dr. John Delony? Or, "It's not true, but thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing."
58:04 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, food is, man, it can be a drug and it can be a coping thing and it can take the edge off. And when intentional, who cares? And when it becomes a coping mechanism, when you know you're not well with it, when you know you have an unhealthy relationship, when you know it's covering up other painful parts in your life, that's where we're gonna sit down and be intentional. And we're gonna go a couple of steps deeper. Thanks for the call. You are awesome, Jennifer. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days? You can get in shape, you can lose weight, you can work on your marriage, you could play games with your kids for 90 days and change your relationship with them, right? You can do a lot in 90 days.
58:48 Dr. John Delony? And that's why I want you to try Hallow for 90 days. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every day of my life. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down before the day starts and prioritize what matters. Hallow will give you 90 days for free for you to try the same. It'll help you build a habit of reflection and prayer. Hallow is simple, and it's guided, and it meets you where you are. It helps you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, so much good stuff. And most importantly, it helps you start your day with peace. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney.
59:31 Dr. John Delony? That's 90 days for free at hallow.com/deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, what's up?
59:38 Speaker 02 All right, so I just got an email from a woman that we just had on a show a couple of weeks ago, actually, not even a week ago, the one that her daughter wanted to go on sleepovers, and she was telling her no because they had moved locations.
59:50 Dr. John Delony? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Has this show even aired yet?
59:52 Speaker 02 No, well, by the time this show airs, yes.
59:56 Speaker 02 But no.
59:57 Dr. John Delony? We're in the matrix, man.
59:58 Speaker 02 I know. So.
59:59 Dr. John Delony? All right.
1:00:00 Speaker 02 For the listeners, yes, you've heard this. Her name was Kay.
1:00:03 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
1:00:03 Speaker 02 On the show. So she said, I wanted to reach back out and thank Dr. John for helping me process through the issue. My daughter and I actually listened together and she had big crocodile tears. She said, how does he know how I feel? He's never even met me. She's still pushing boundaries. We'll be saving that sentence, by the way, and just using that for future needs. She's still pushing boundaries, trying to get more privileges and creating her emotional hurricane when rebuffed, because that's what they do.
1:00:34 Dr. John Delony? Of course.
1:00:35 Speaker 02 But because of your advice, I feel more empowered to say, I see your feelings, I hear you, and my job is still to keep you safe. I will always love you, no matter how you feel about me. We started an Apple Note to track her requests while her dad works nights, so we can all talk about them and that they don't get forgotten.
1:00:49 Dr. John Delony? Awesome.
1:00:50 Speaker 02 We've also played a ton of Stardew Valley together. I had to look, that's a video game. It's like a, kind of a, what was that farming game that used to be on? Kind of you like you create a, it's one of those phone games where like you go in, I looked it up just a few minutes ago, and you like create a village and buy things for the village. So they, something they play together. And I'm making a better effort to get to know her friends' families. So, thank you. Thank you for your insights. You made me feel seen, you made her feel seen and gave me courage.
1:01:21 Dr. John Delony? Awesome.
1:01:21 Speaker 02 Look at you.
1:01:22 Dr. John Delony? Hey, and, uh, look at, uh, her sitting down with her daughter. That's awesome.
1:01:28 Speaker 02 Good job, Kay.
1:01:29 Dr. John Delony? Way to go, Kay. And good job to her sweet little, to her sweet little daughter. Um,
1:01:36 Dr. John Delony? man, that's, that's awesome. That's all I'll say about that. Good for her. Good for that whole family unit. And I love the idea of, we're gonna write these things down, and one parent isn't gonna carry all of these, because dad's working late. We're all gonna circle back and talk about it. That kid will know, everyone in my house is on my team. And what a blessing for that kid. Awesome. Love you guys. Bye.
Previous My Wife Prefers Doomscrolling Over Sex Next My Husband Disgusts Me Page updated October 29, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated