My Husband Disgusts Me

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband won’t address his bad hygiene A husband whose wife feels unseen and unheard A mom pondering what to do about her daughter’s girlfriend Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  He will go days without showering. He won't always brush his teeth, won't wash his hands. I catch him wearing the same boxers for a couple of days in a row. Our sex life is nonexistent. If it does exist, it's because he showers that day.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, commentary from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges in their marriages, in their mental and emotional health, in their lives, struggling with addiction, trying to love people well. I'm glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you to Kelly and she will get you on the show. She actually links her personal cellphone number in. She doesn't.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  No, that doesn't happen.

• 1:01Dr. John Delony?

  You know what?

• 1:01Speaker 02

  I don't even give you my personal cellphone number.

• 1:03Dr. John Delony?

  That would be a great auction.

• 1:06Speaker 02

  No, thank you.

• 1:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. If you ever mean to me, I'm... That would be so great.

• 1:10Speaker 02

  Don't forget, I have yours as well.

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  Mine's not real.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Both of them.

• 1:14Dr. John Delony?

  One of them's real. One of them is not. Dude, what a game of, what a game of mutually assured destruction we could play.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  How about we just both not?

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Biloxi and talk to Liz. Hey Liz, what's up?

• 1:27Speaker 00

  Hi, how are you?

• 1:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right. How about you?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  I'm okay.

• 1:31Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Well, thanks for calling. What's up?

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Um, so, um, my husband and I have been together about 10 years, married since 18, and as much as I love him and everything like that, his hygiene is awful.

• 1:49Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. I, like, hygiene can mean a lot of things.

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  But it sounds like it's it's taken, it's just ground you down to the point where you're like, it's awful. Like, what do you mean when you say the hygiene is bad?

• 2:06Speaker 00

  Um, he will go days without showering. He won't always brush his teeth, won't wash his hands, and I catch him wearing the same boxers for a couple of days in a row.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  And you're in Mississippi. It's not like.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  It's hot.

• 2:24Dr. John Delony?

  He does not, yeah. I mean, if you walk outside to get the mail, you need to take a shower.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:30Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. So how can I help? I hate this for you.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  I don't know. I have tried a gentle approach. I have asked him why, and I never get a response. Um, I have even gone as far as asking, because as a teenager, he played sports. And I asked if like, he was maybe assaulted by a coach back in the day. He told me no. Um, his mom has also said that his hygiene as a teenager was bad. So it's not like it just developed.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 3:18Dr. John Delony?

  Does he have any diagnosable mental health issues? And I'm not talking about just emotional, but I, I, I've, part of my job over the years has been to sit down, especially in educational settings, with college students, sometimes graduate students, and say, hey, like, your hygiene, we gotta work on this. Like, and that's always an awkward, hard conversation, but I've had to do it a number of times. Um, but almost always, there was a, there's a surrounding issue, right? With mental or emotional health challenges. Is he struggling with anything like that? Or is he just literally not care?

• 3:54Speaker 00

  I, nothing diagnosed. Um, when I say he's depressed, yes. Um, he won't get help for that. Um, but, yeah.

• 4:08Dr. John Delony?

  You all have kids?

• 4:10Speaker 00

  We have a four-year-old.

• 4:12Dr. John Delony?

  Four-year-old? Is this getting passed on to your four-year-old?

• 4:16Speaker 00

  Um, I noticed like he's not getting his teeth, so I work early and I know that he's not always brushing his teeth before going off to daycare.

• 4:32Dr. John Delony?

  Does your husband work?

• 4:33Speaker 00

  And I just, he does. He's a great provider, hard worker. Um, so, you know, I, I try to look at his wonderful qualities. But this is affecting our sex life.

• 4:51Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  It can't be spontaneous. I've suffered with UTIs throughout the years and I've tried to talk to him about that. And now it's just like our sex life is non-existent, or if it does exist, it's because he showers that day.

• 5:12Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 5:15Dr. John Delony?

  So the hard part for me here is he's not on the phone, you are. And so I guess what I want to ask you is,

• 5:26Dr. John Delony?

  with your limited scope of what you can do, what do you want to do next? And here, here, here's like a broad array of things. Um, if you, if you, if, if, and I'm going to be ridiculous for a second, okay, but just go with me. If you put a pair of clean underwear on his bed in the morning and say, you, you have to put this on and you gotta go shower, will he do that or no? Will he just walk right past you?

• 5:54Speaker 00

  No, he'll probably walk right past me. He does what he wants.

• 5:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Where else does he completely disregard what you want or what you need in your relationship in your home?

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Um, again, he's a wonderful provider.

• 6:12Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, I know a lot of men who make a lot of money who are not people I would want my daughter around.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  Um, I mean,

• 6:24Speaker 00

  I don't ask him to do much for me. He's, I mean, he's.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  He does the dishes, he does laundry, you know. So he takes the burdens off of my life. Um, but.

• 6:43Dr. John Delony?

  When you say he's a good provider, what does that mean?

• 6:46Speaker 00

  He brings home, I mean, I work too, but he pays bills. He will go grocery shopping. He will do the laundry. He will do the dishes. I don't ever have to ask him to do that stuff. But if there is something that I do need help with, if I ask him, it won't be done right away.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Or I just don't ask.

• 7:20Dr. John Delony?

  Sounds like you're kind of living in his world.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:27Dr. John Delony?

  And what I.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't make plans because I don't want to

• 7:36Speaker 00

  take away from the stuff that he needs to do.

• 7:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 7:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's, it's not much of a marriage.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  No, it's, it's definitely more of a roommate situation.

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but it's, it's a roommate situation where you're living in somebody else's house, right? It's not like two roommates went and got an apartment together. It's like he has a house and you live in it.

• 8:04Dr. John Delony?

  And you have no rights, you have no, um, you have no relationship there. He comes and goes and does what he pleases, doesn't shower, doesn't bathe.

• 8:18Dr. John Delony?

  Are you safe?

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

• 8:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  That, there's no question about my safety.

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:29Dr. John Delony?

  So I guess you have to ask yourself, what kind of world do you want to live in? Do you want more for you and your kid than this?

• 8:38Speaker 00

  I can't see myself waking up without my child in my home. I don't want split custody.

• 8:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Um, it's, it's not one of those things where,

• 8:51Speaker 00

  like, my son has a great household. He has a great childhood.

• 8:56Dr. John Delony?

  I'm telling you right now, he doesn't.

• 8:58Speaker 00

  He does.

• 9:02Dr. John Delony?

  The single greatest predictor of your kid's future success

• 9:08Dr. John Delony?

  is that his parents have a great relationship together.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  It's not horrible.

• 9:19Dr. John Delony?

  Let me, let me back out and, and let me ask this. Is the way your husband treats you and disregards you,

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  where are ways you are becoming somebody you never thought you would be?

• 9:36Speaker 00

  I want someone else.

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  That looks at me and tells me I'm pretty.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  And wants to touch me, wants to hold my hand, wants to hug me.

• 9:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Can I tell you that's not crazy, Liz?

• 9:56Speaker 00

  I mean, I know it's not crazy.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  So the question you have to ask yourself, and I can't answer it for you, is, are you going to settle for that? For not having that? For this?

• 10:08Speaker 00

  But is there a way I can help him to build our marriage? To get him help to build my marriage?

• 10:17Speaker 00

  Our marriage?

• 10:20Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it sounds like, I don't know how direct you've been with some of these conversations.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  I have.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and does he just blow you off?

• 10:30Speaker 00

  He never has a reason. I've cried to him. I've said, like, I've asked him to shower. I've asked him how many days it's been since he's showered. And sometimes he doesn't even know the answer.

• 10:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that, I mean, that's a huge deal. Hygiene's a huge deal.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:52Dr. John Delony?

  No wife should have to tell their husband. I mean, on occasion, yes, fine. But no, no wife should have to regu... I mean, you're talking, like, that's how you talk to a four-year-old.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  Or a 12-year-old, right? A 12-year-old boy, you say, "Hey, did you shower today?" And they're like, "Oh, come on, Mom." And then they come out of the bathroom, and you're like, "Is that the same underwear?" And they're like, "Come on, Mom." Or, "Come on, Dad."

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:13Dr. John Delony?

  Like, that's a 12-year-old. But that is the tip of the iceberg, as far as I'm concerned, because underneath it,

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  you have a marriage where your spouse doesn't look at you, doesn't touch you, doesn't care about you, where you can't ask things, you can't do things.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? And so, the first thing you have to do is to reckon, I don't know, there could be any number of reasons, and it would take us a couple hours to probably dig through them, but

• 11:47Dr. John Delony?

  in the same way you're telling me these things, these are all real, and these are all heavy, hard things. And you wallpaper over all of that with this story that everything in your home is great.

• 12:02Dr. John Delony?

  And it's not.

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  And your son is absorbing all of this.

• 12:11Dr. John Delony?

  And in a, in a way, not in a way, and with a ringside seat, he's absorbing what being a husband and a father looks like in real time. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  And this wife of mine is an accessory to the life I want to live. It's not us co-creating and building a thing. And so, until you allow that wallpaper to fall off, and you sit in the reality that is your home...

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  Because what I don't want you to do is to start to become a person you never thought you would be. Never thought you'd be a person who's bitter and resentful in your own house, where coming home was not your safe place, where your husband wouldn't look at you and tell you you're pretty and want to hold your hand. My gosh, if the barrier to first sex is a shower, my gosh, there would be millions of men running to the shower, right?

• 13:09Speaker 00

  And that's what I don't understand.

• 13:12Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And so, but the next layer here is, I don't want you stepping out on your marriage. Because then you're going to add a layer of, oh my gosh, now I've become somebody that I never thought I would be. I've become somebody I don't respect anymore.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I want you to put everything out on the table. And if he looks at you, I mean, I haven't seen it work other than to say, here's the truth, I'm about to leave. Or, I feel unloved in my own house. And if shower becomes the proxy war, then he's going to say, I don't have to shower. But underneath all of that, if he's as good a guy as you says he is, in quote unquote, providing, he needs to provide a space where his wife feels loved. Providing is way more than just a dollar amount.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  I get it.

• 14:11Dr. John Delony?

  And if you don't want to do that, if the thought of, I'm worth more than this, let me put it another way, my husband's left me, he just lives in the house. Fidelity, fidelity is not just not having sex with somebody. Fidelity is, I'm all in, and you're all in. And he's not. He lives his own life.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  Honestly, the biggest thing that keeps me here is the fact that it's just financially, it's so hard to live on your own these days.

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  It is. It is. It's brutal.

• 14:55Dr. John Delony?

  And women who leave abusive relationships, women who leave, um, relationships, um, where their spouse isn't a person of fidelity, uh, the data tells me that they often bear the brunt, especially in the short term.

• 15:12Speaker 00

  And I don't have a support system down here.

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have some girlfriends you can talk to? Or do you have nobody?

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Not really.

• 15:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 15:29Dr. John Delony?

  The, the next right step for you, I think, is someone to walk alongside you and help clear the cobwebs. I'm gonna, and, and at least give you some, some clarity on what my options are, what your options are. Cause right now it feels like you've, you're hemmed in, right?

• 15:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I honor that. Like, you sound hemmed in, but I've, I believe there's always a path, multiple paths out of a situation. None of those paths are easy. I'm gonna hook you up with three months for free with my friends at BetterHelp, okay? And get you a licensed counselor that you can talk to on your phone, that you can talk to with your laptop, and you can talk to them in the parking lot of a Walmart, okay? You can FaceTime with them. But I want you to talk to a licensed professional, wherever you happen to be, and I'll, I'll, they'll, they'll cover it for three months, okay?

• 16:19Speaker 00

  Okay, thank you.

• 16:19Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to talk to somebody, because you're not as trapped as you feel, but I can tell by talking to you, this has been going on a long time, and

• 16:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:28Dr. John Delony?

  10 minutes with me isn't gonna, isn't gonna free you from that. I just want you to hear me say, you're worth more than this life.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 16:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 16:42Dr. John Delony?

  I shouldn't have to say this like I'm gonna say it, but I, I will anyway. You're worth freaking showering for.

• 16:49Speaker 00

  I thought so.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth getting dolled up and going out.

• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  Providing is not just a big muscle and cash. It is providing a space for a, a wife to feel insanely prized and loved.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 17:13Dr. John Delony?

  Call me anytime, okay?

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Okay, thanks.

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with better help.

• 17:23Dr. John Delony?

  We come back, a man asks how to want to become a better husband when his wife feels like he checked out years ago. We'll be right back.

• 17:31Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:15Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:11Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:40Dr. John Delony?

  Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney.

• 20:50Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray?

• 20:57Speaker 03

  Dr. John, how you doing?

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you?

• 21:01Speaker 03

  I'm doing pretty good.

• 21:02Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on, man?

• 21:04Speaker 03

  Well, you know what? I think this is a kind of a like divine timing here. This, uh, listening to the, uh, the last call kind of put things into perspective for a part of the reason why I'm calling today. And, um, I'm sick and tired of perpetuating the same cycle over and over again here.

• 21:24Dr. John Delony?

  Well, dude, I'm glad you called, man. I'm glad you called. What's up?

• 21:30Speaker 03

  So, uh, my wife and I have been married. We just had, uh, four years, six years, uh, six years together total. And, uh, there's been...

• 21:41Speaker 03

  A lot of the same, same, uh, problems come up where she feels like, um, I guess for, for lack of a better phrasing, she was like, you're checked out. You don't want to be married. You don't love me. You resent me. Um.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Is she right?

• 21:57Speaker 03

  Which like, I mean, like it, it wasn't, it wasn't like that the entire time. Like we, we had it, we had a great relationship. Um.

• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, answer my original question. Is she right? Have you checked out?

• 22:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  I have.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  She's entirely right.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 22:19Speaker 03

  So there was a situation that happened that she, that she always puts like a, to use your words, a GPS pin. Um, and, uh, back in, when we first started dating, maybe a few months in, my sister got a divorce. She left an abusive situation. She had a spare room in her apartment and we talked about it. We invited my sister in and, uh, we thought, okay, we're going to give her some space, let her kind of get back on her feet and, uh, sign a lease. She did the whole, like the legal, legal paperwork and all that. And, uh, it turned into an absolute nightmare. Um, during that time, we didn't think to consider like the trauma that she was going through because like we had no idea the extent of

• 22:58Speaker 03

  it. And she was, uh, like basically being like the worst roommate possible. Um, cleanliness, there was, um, boys over constantly rules breaking. We asked her to take care of her dog while we went out on vacation. That was already pre-planned and she completely neglected. And just overall just being like a, a very negative person to be around.

• 23:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:19Speaker 03

  And so being that she was my sister, I was put in the middle of this and having to be like the liaison between my wife and my sister about like what's going on, how to move forward, the expectations and all that. Um, and like my wife is very outspoken and like she will very clearly speak her mind. Um, and so like it was a lot of, it felt like a barrage, uh, just like a, like all what now type of deal. And, uh, as a result of that, um, we're starting to think that I've been holding on to that even though like my sister's in a better place now. She's remarried. She's much, in a much better state of health and, um.

• 24:03Speaker 03

  Like these problems have been, haven't been resolved, or at least like the, the feelings of resentment, or I guess like contempt, I don't know if I'd go that far, but that, that comes to mind.

• 24:12Dr. John Delony?

  Mm hmm.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Um, of, so like, well, why are we still complaining? Like, it feels like we're still back in that same position we were years ago. And, um, I feel like that carries on in how I look at her, how like I wanna, how I wanna treat her. And like, I've become very dismissive of whatever she has to bring up, especially if it has anything to do with me directly.

• 24:37Dr. John Delony?

  Mm hmm.

• 24:38Speaker 03

  Um, she's claiming where I've been very defensive. And if anything gets said like to me about even something simple as, hey, I saw you did this, can we do this in the future? It, it turns into this big old thing. And once we start getting heated and started getting elevated in, in conversation and arguments, then she recognizes where she's at her limit for a conversation, she has her boundaries, and I just barrel right through them. And we talk about it later. I realize, hey, you know what? You're right. I shouldn't have done this. And then it happens over and over and over again.

• 25:15Dr. John Delony?

  Do you wanna break the cycle? You wanna stay married or no?

• 25:17Speaker 03

  No, I do. Absolutely, I do.

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, all of this will start with you saying, I still wanna be married to this woman. You're in?

• 25:27Speaker 03

  I'm a hundred percent in.

• 25:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Does she still wanna be married to you?

• 25:31Speaker 03

  She does.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  She's, she's all this to me.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, if one person in a, in a relationship changes, the relationship changes. And so you called me, and so I want you to have the courage to say, I'm gonna make the first step. I'm gonna make the first change. Are you in?

• 25:50Speaker 03

  I'm in.

• 25:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, the process here is relatively straightforward and, and dare I say, simple, it's really hard to do. It's hard to check yourself and it's hard to, to break out of a relational pattern. This is me explaining in real time what I mean by, I always say, uh, someone's gotta stop the music and turn the lights on. This is that moment, but I'll walk you through how to do it, okay? But it only works if you're a hundred percent and wanna stay married.

• 26:20Dr. John Delony?

  If you, if you want to, you could back out of this thing 30,000 feet and have this perspective. We first got married after knowing each other for a couple of years. And then we did a really hard thing. We invited a woman who'd been abused, that happened to be my sister, into a legally binding contract into our home. And it went real bad.

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  And we learned that we've got some things we need to do to practice for our communication. We learned that, man, if we ever invite somebody else in who's hurting, we need to ask more questions, we need to have stronger boundaries. You may have learned, I have to practice stepping up and defending my wife because she is my number one, because I married her. Sometimes in between her and my family. Your wife may learned, like just berating and beating up my husband does nothing, except hurt him, right? So if you look at this as a set of skills, that y'all, like y'all joined a basketball league and you both sucked at basketball. Instead of, she's terrible, he's a loser. He loves his sister more than me. My wife, like, you see what I'm saying?

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  You can moralize this and put character assassinations all over this thing, or you can just say, man, we tried a hard thing when we first got married and we were terrible at it.

• 27:37Dr. John Delony?

  And one of those, viewing it one way takes all the pressure off of it and really points out, highlight some skills we need to work on so that we can continue to come back together. The other one is a constant way for each one of us to feel powerful in a situation, in a marriage where we both feel powerless.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  One of these paths will end your marriage. One of these paths will make your marriage stronger than you ever thought possible.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  But that's going to be you letting go, opening your hands up. And hope to God she does the same.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you're willing to take that frame on it, I'll give you a very simple yet complicated, I mean, very simple yet hard path to walk. Are you in?

• 28:21Speaker 03

  I'm in.

• 28:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Here's I want you to do. I want you to schedule

• 28:27Dr. John Delony?

  three hours at a breakfast place this weekend or next weekend, depending on what your schedules are. Y'all have kids yet?

• 28:34Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, we're actually in the process of adopting a newborn.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing, amazing. So this is the most important thing you can do. Cause you don't want to bring a brand new baby into this kind of like communication, conflict, chaos, right?

• 28:52Speaker 03

  Agreed. And I like, I've been listening to your show a long time and I hear, and I'm, I'm seeing um, that like the kids absorb the tension.

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 29:02Speaker 03

  And the last argument that we had actually ended up turning out to be a pretty bad one where she's like,

• 29:09Speaker 03

  threw all her clothing out of the closet and she's like, I'm done this and that. And I'm over there, I'm looking at, I'm looking at my son, he's six months now. And like I stopped, stopped in my tracks and like she let her just kind of go through whatever she was, whatever she needed to get out. And we were done for the day and we went our separate ways, like figuratively speaking. Um, and then I remember thinking the entire day, I'm like, he doesn't deserve to feel this.

• 29:41Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but listen, you don't either and she doesn't either.

• 29:46Dr. John Delony?

  You can't make these, a kid may be the impetus for change, but you can't make the change because of the kid. The kid can't bear the weight of that adult relationship transaction, transformation. You have to say, I'm worth more than this and she, my wife is too.

• 30:02Dr. John Delony?

  And the kid will be the beneficiary of this, no question about it, but so will y'all too. But you have to decide, I'm worth living in a marriage where I cannot wait to get home just so I can drop my shoulders.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  And your wife has to say, "I can't wait to get home because I got a guy at home who loves me to the end of time. And together, we created this world where we brought, we went and picked a kid and said, "We choose you to come live in our home with us." That's amazing, right?

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Actually, we were picked.

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, even more amazing. Somebody looked at you all and said, "We pick you to raise our flesh and blood." Amazing. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to clear the deck, and I want you to sit down with your wife, and whether you feel this is justified, whatever, I want you to go first. And I want you to say, "I love you. And over the last three or four years, ever since my sister moved in with us, moved out, I've not been the man that I want to be. I'm sorry. I've made up several stories about you, about us, and I want to share them with you. And I want to tell you about the stories I've made up and

• 31:16Dr. John Delony?

  how they make me feel. And more importantly, here's what I want to do next. And I want you to be honest. I've made up a story that you think that I'm fill in the blank. I've made up a story that you're volatile and that you are outspoken and you beat me up all the time because you think it makes you feel powerful. I don't know if that's true. I just made that up. And then that makes me feel angry and resentful. And then I try to defend myself and we get in this loop. I don't want to be in this loop anymore.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to ask her, "Are there stories about me you've made up? I'm here, and I'll listen to them, and I won't fight you back. I won't respond because I want to connect with you." And y'all have to take all of these, like, just imagine you and her carrying these Home Depot buckets full of just bricks. Y'all been carrying them around for years. Dump them all out on the table. With the understanding, "I want to be married to you, and I want to build a new marriage." And here's the thing, we get to decide what kind of marriage we build.

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  And the final step of this process is you say, "Here's what I want. Here's what makes me feel loved. Here's how you can connect with me. And I really wanted to get to know you and celebrate you. How can I love you better?"

• 32:37Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the thing. This is a super vulnerable exercise because she may come at you like guns a blazing.

• 32:45Dr. John Delony?

  But at least you'll know.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  Because what's the other alternative? You're just gonna keep doing this?

• 33:01Speaker 03

  She won't let that happen. If, honestly, I don't, if I don't make a change soon and like keep it, I don't think she'll allow the marriage to continue.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then use her language and give her a gift and say, "I've checked out and this is me checking back in 100%.

• 33:21Dr. John Delony?

  I love you too much."

• 33:24Dr. John Delony?

  And I would frame it up. "I want to say some things first and then have you come back and respond. But if you'll allow me, I want to say these things first." And just go first, man.

• 33:40Dr. John Delony?

  Because my guess is both of y'all have co-created this.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  She responds over the top. You get mad and defend yourself. And then you barrel through her what she wants and needs. And then she responds over the top. And just this loop-de-loop, right?

• 33:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's about how it happens. Yeah, every time, the intensity only increases the more it happens over the years.

• 34:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And where you'll land is you're still gonna have disagreements. You're still gonna have like conflict. That's part of life. That means something matters. Conflict is the path to connection, man. Like, but you'll learn because you know each other and you see each other well. I know that when my wife and I are in like in a big conflict, I will say,

• 34:31Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, I want to talk about this big thing.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  I need to talk about it within the next, I want to talk about it within the next 24 hours. Will you let me know when a good time for you is?" And my wife's like, "Yeah, I will." And sometimes she'll say, "Let's go right now." And then sometimes she'll say, "Let's talk tomorrow morning."

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right, we're still gonna have the conflict, but she can prepare herself. I'm not just coming in here guns a blazing. I'm not over emotional like I tend to get, right? So it's just, you get to know each other. And she might sit down and say, hey, we need to have a big conversation. Can we talk about this? And I can say, yeah, I need an hour. Give me one hour to get my head in the right place. You get what I'm saying? Because now we're gonna actually try to solve a problem. We're not just gonna blow up on each other and try to have some cathartic moment. And then just limp along to the next part of our day. Because we're both worth more than that.

• 35:25Speaker 03

  I feel that. Like it's, I've heard you say plenty of times, like getting back to the way things were like that. That doesn't work.

• 35:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. You have a new marriage. You can't go back to before your sister lived with you and you felt attacked by your wife. And you felt embarrassed that your sister was blown up. And then you felt ashamed because you finally started to realize what had happened to your sister. Like all that stuff, right? You can't go back before that. But you can move forward and say, from this point forward, I choose you over all my family members, over everybody, because you're my wife.

• 36:04Speaker 03

  And then I gotta do whatever, whatever I need to do to, to honor that.

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And the best, the best way forward is to ask her for a path. How can I love you today? And this is not gonna be, you're gonna leave this breakfast together. Hopefully y'all spend two or three hours and y'all get frustrated and there's some tears shed and y'all laugh, cry together. And then y'all have some sort of a, of a in pencil plan. How can I love you? And both of y'all are gonna have to decide we're gonna give each other grace because we're practicing a new way of doing this relationship that we've gotten in a really rutted dance with. It's gonna take time. It's okay.

• 36:43Dr. John Delony?

  And you leave that with a signal wink at me. Um, stick your tongue out at me. Will you come up with a thing so that if I blow it? If you see me heading down a path? You can catch me because you know I'm on your team. Y'all have to get used to saying, hey, I said that wrong. Can I say that again?

• 37:02Dr. John Delony?

  And the other person exhale and say, yeah, go ahead.

• 37:06Dr. John Delony?

  It won't take the sting out of what was said, but it will be a bid to come back together and you accept each other's bids. Like this is, this is a choice, man. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you the together app and um, I don't want you introducing this until after you have this. Clear the deck. We want to build a new marriage. And by the way, y'all have a reason to build this thing now. One for y'all and two, because another family is handing you their baby. And y'all are doing an amazing thing by going through the adoption process, taking a child. That's awesome, amazing, wonderful, the best, the best, the best, the best.

• 37:41Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all got a reason to reset. The marriage you had is over. Let's build something new. And that starts with you going first and saying, I'm sorry.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're right. You've told me I'm checked out and I did some soul searching and you're right. And this is me checking back in 1,000%. I'm going to be honest, I don't fully know how to do that. So I'm going to ask you every day, how can I love you? This is not going to be fixed in some big fireworks show. It's going to be decision by decision, day by day. And sometimes you're going to have to swallow your pride, swallow your frustration, swallow your ego, and then just go do the dishes, go do the next right thing. It's going to be you choosing to put a note on your windshield or on your, on your uh, steering wheel. So when you pull into your driveway, there's a little note that says, put your phone away and walk in the door and hug your wife and find one thing to do to help her on the house. These are tiny little things you're going to do. They're all choices. And she's going to have to do the same.

• 38:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'm in the middle of a thing. My husband just drove up. I'm going to put this thing down for a second and we're just going to hug when he walks in the door.

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm worth that. He's worth that. Or whatever the thing is, you know what I'm talking about.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  You get to choose, man. Both of y'all get to choose. You want to keep doing what we're doing? We want to split this thing up? Or do we want to build a brand new marriage? I've got all the hope in the world for y'all.

• 38:58Dr. John Delony?

  But let's set down those bricks that we've been carrying about what happened when this thing first started. Set down these bricks of resentment and let's go till some new soil and build something amazing. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter while holding to her beliefs and her boundaries. We'll be right back.

• 39:16Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. Listen, what could you accomplish in 90 days? You could get in shape, you could start losing weight, you could change your marriage, you could play games with your kids and change your relationship with them. You can do so much in 90 days. And that's why I want you to try Hallow for free for 90 days. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and I think it's one of the most important things I do to start every day of my life. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters before the whole day grabs me and swallows me up. Hallow will give you 90 days for free to do the same thing, building a habit of reflection and prayer. Hallow is simple and it's guided and it meets you wherever

• 40:00Dr. John Delony?

  you are. Whether you're a brand new believer, whether you've still got questions about all this belief stuff, or you've been practicing your faith for decades. It'll help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. Ask yourself, where do you want to be and who do you want to be 90 days from now? If you want more peace, or you want to get more grounded in your faith, give Hallow a try. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney. That's three months for free at hallow.com/deloney.

• 40:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Houston, Texas, home of the Stros. I'm ride or die, dude. If they're not having a great year, I'm still, I'm still Team Stros.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Only thing that matters is we are one place above y'all right now as the Rangers. That's literally, we're both awful.

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, we're in last place, aren't we?

• 40:50Speaker 02

  No, you're in fourth of five.

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  And we're in third.

• 40:54Dr. John Delony?

  So you're telling me there's a chance?

• 40:56Speaker 02

  We're both awful, but we are one place, like literally one win above y'all.

• 41:02Dr. John Delony?

  Just wait, just wait. All right, let's go out to Houston and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up? Hi.

• 41:09Speaker 04

  Thank you for taking my call.

• 41:10Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's going on?

• 41:13Speaker 04

  So I recently found out that my daughter, um, we've been letting her friend come over and sleep over and letting her go to her friend's house.

• 41:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, how old's your daughter?

• 41:23Speaker 04

  And I, uh, she's 15.

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  15, okay.

• 41:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I recently found out that they are dating. So I'm just, I'm trying to figure out, um, my husband and I are Christians and that's how we're trying to raise our kids. And I'm trying to figure out how, how to talk to her about it, like what, what boundaries to set and also how to talk to the other girl's parents about it, or if I should.

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm, okay. How'd you find out they were dating?

• 41:53Speaker 04

  Um, my daughter got her phone taken up a while ago, so she was texting her, her friend, or I guess girlfriend on my phone.

• 42:00Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:00Speaker 04

  And, uh, she just forgot to delete the messages, so I, I read them and I found out, uh, that way.

• 42:07Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to say good for you for being a parent that checks on the text messages of their kid. I, I applaud you for that.

• 42:12Speaker 04

  Thank you, because I was kind of feeling bad for it.

• 42:15Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're a parent.

• 42:16Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  You're a parent, and we've handed these kids these magic wands. We've, like, as my buddy Sean Ryan says, we're not giving our kids access to the world, we're giving the world access to our kids. And so, if parents are gonna hand their kids smartphones, they better be on the alert and going through those things. Um, there's a couple of layers here, okay? So what, often things like this get really big, and it feels like everything all at once. And so what I want to do is pull it apart a little bit, okay?

• 42:44Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 42:46Dr. John Delony?

  Thing number one is they're dating, okay? So let's put that in its own category here. We'll put the, your moral beliefs and your convictions and your faith, all that stuff, we'll put that in a separate bucket for a second, okay?

• 42:59Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 43:00Dr. John Delony?

  Bucket number one. In no way in a million years would you let your 15 year old daughter, if she had a boyfriend, spend the night, come over, go on dates, whatever.

• 43:12Speaker 04

  Right.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So, that world ends immediately. Because you're a caring, wise parent. Okay?

• 43:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, we put a stop to the sleepovers immediately.

• 43:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but I want her to know, the sleepovers are not ending because you're gay. The sleepovers are ending because you're dating somebody and I'm not, I wouldn't let you have any partner over here. You get what I'm saying? And so that, again, you're asking a 15 year old to get the nuance here. They're not going to, but I want you to be super clear as you're laying this out. Okay?

• 43:48Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  And if you and your husband already had dating rules and regulations and age limits and whatever y'all's regulations are. Some people let their 14 year olds go on dates. Some people say you can't date till you're 16. Some people say you can't date till you leave my house or whatever. Every parent's gonna do their own thing, but I want y'all to be clear about, here's our rules for dating, period.

• 44:08Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 44:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And if you're telling me this is your girlfriend, then those, those, those rules apply. Then we get to the faith part of this. And anytime somebody lays down, here's what we believe, and here's what our boundaries are gonna be. Every belief and every boundary comes with what I, I mean, it sounds negative, it doesn't have to be negative, but they always come with consequences.

• 44:40Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so, what I don't want, I can tell you on the other side of this conversation, I cannot count the number of conversations I've had, because I spent several years at multiple faith-based universities in addition to public universities. The number of parents who have come to me and said, I would do anything to have that first conversation back, because I didn't just give them my opinion on their sexuality, I lost my kid.

• 45:06Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 45:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, we haven't talked to her yet because um I was waiting till I talked to you actually.

• 45:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah. So I think I it's hard for a 15 year old to parse this, especially with the messaging they're getting from all over the planet. But the first and most important thing I would tell any parent in any hard situation, any situation where they find their kid, their teenager, is doing something that they don't agree with, is to say, "You are my daughter, and I will love you till the end of time." Period.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 45:44Dr. John Delony?

  You will always, that front door will always be open to you.

• 45:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I would even go one step further. I'll tell you the things I tell my kids. There's not a thing you can do that I won't love you, and that I won't storm the gates of hell to come get you.

• 46:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Now, my 16 year old's driving. He's out and about. He's a way better driver than me. He's more responsible, like, right? But I've told him, "Hey, if you, like, you've now, you're now out in the world, man. You're moving out in the world with adults, wild teenage drivers, everything. If you do something that violates the law, I'll hold your hand, I will sit right next to you in court, but I can't protect you from everything now." Like, you're entering into a new world, right?

• 46:32Speaker 04

  Right.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it's like, I can't, but I want my son to know, there's not a thing that you can do on this planet that I won't still love you. I can't protect you from everything, but my God, I'll love you. And then, we're gonna get into the values conversations.

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what we believe, because we're of this particular faith, and we're of this particular belief about this thing. We don't agree with it. We think it's wrong. We think it's a sin, whatever you want to say about it.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  And then you can go one step further and say, "While you're in our house, here's gonna be our rules and regulations about it."

• 47:13Speaker 04

  That's really helpful. That's kind of what I was wondering, like, I don't want to force my kid to be a Christian, you know, like, I don't, if she wants, if she wants to be, I want it to be of her choice. And so I just don't want to shove this stuff down her throat. But then we have three other kids that we're raising also, and they're watching everything, and they had already kind of noticed, like, the closeness between her and her friend, and kind of like pointed it out. And so I want to make sure that we're, you know, so you think it's okay, like, for us to be sticking to our values, I guess, while she's in our house, like, that's...

• 47:49Dr. John Delony?

  I take a hard line that I will not get between people and their values.

• 47:56Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 47:56Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have to agree with your values, and you don't have to agree with mine. But what I want, the thing I want people to do is to, if you're gonna own a value, you gotta own it, you gotta drive, ride it to the bottom of the ocean. And so if this is a value to you, let's take, let's take her, um, let's take her being gay off the table for a second, okay? Let's take something like smoking, okay? Um, you can sit down and say, you, like, we think smoking's bad for you, we think it's wrong, and you can even go one step further, we think, um, I've heard this, this used before, we're people of faith, and we believe that the

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  scripture says a body is a temple, and we think smoking is destructive of that temple. So we think it's wrong, and you can't do it. Okay?

• 48:47Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 48:48Dr. John Delony?

  Your kid can look at you and say, "The second I can walk out of this door,

• 48:55Dr. John Delony?

  I'm walking and I'm never coming back."

• 48:58Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 49:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so, because, because at some point, they become an adult. And my hope is, the love that y'all have for her, the safety you have for her, the welcoming hospitality you have for her, and you holding the line on your values, that over time, I don't expect a 15-year-old to metabolize that. But over time, she's gonna know, they disagree with, I disagree with them big time on this thing, whatever this thing happens to be, but I can't argue with the fact that my parents love me.

• 49:34Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  And I've talked to a number of gay, young adults who have told me, no, my parents, they, they think what I'm doing is wrong. They think what I'm doing is, but man, I got good parents.

• 49:46Speaker 04

  Okay. That's kind of where I'm trying to, I don't want her to feel like I'm rejecting her for who she is. Like, I don't know if this is just a phase, or she's gonna grow out of it, or if it's gonna be like a long-term thing.

• 49:57Dr. John Delony?

  I, I wouldn't spend one second worrying about that. I would spend every ounce of energy I have loving my kid.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 50:04Dr. John Delony?

  And loving your kid does not mean, whether they're straight, gay, it doesn't mean you love every decision they make.

• 50:12Speaker 04

  Right.

• 50:12Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't mean that you protect them from every consequence of every decision they make. It just means, like, in, not just in one big, big conversation, but in word and deed, you know I love you. You're always welcome here.

• 50:28Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 50:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 50:30Speaker 04

  So us sitting down and saying, you may not date your girl while you live in our house, is okay?

• 50:36Dr. John Delony?

  That's for y'all to ride or die on.

• 50:39Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 50:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's for you to ride or die on.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I would not start the conversation like that.

• 50:48Speaker 04

  Start with all the love and like.

• 50:51Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I, I would, yeah. Um, because, because here's, here's where any of us would go with that. Oh, so I have to be alone. I can't feel connection. You're, you're, it, you're, you're one of those people who hates first. Are you get what I'm saying?

• 51:12Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so, sitting down with somebody and saying, I understand that my values, because you live in my house, are gonna cost you this and this and this. Again, sexuality is so charged, I don't want to take it away from that. I've had multiple conversations with my son over the years, telling him, I know that my stance, that I've made public because of my job, I know that my stance on technology costs you friends. I know that, and I'm sorry.

• 51:44Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 51:44Dr. John Delony?

  I hate this for you. I hate it.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  But I believe in this moment in history, in this moment in time, I'm doing what's best for you.

• 51:56Speaker 04

  Okay, that's super helpful to like, take it away from the whole sexuality conversation and

• 52:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 52:01Speaker 04

  Think of it that way.

• 52:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I have different opinions and different beliefs on this than a number of my friends.

• 52:11Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  And I've tried to do my, outside of abuse and a couple of big things, I've tried really hard on the show. I want to show up here as a good, um, coach would and say, I want you to own your choices.

• 52:26Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. If you sit down and say, you will never date a woman in my house, a girl in my house, like that's not who we are. I'm telling you right now, I've sat with that child forever. I mean, for, for 20 years. And you will have severed your connection with your child.

• 52:42Speaker 04

  So, okay, so, um, okay, so we need to kind of decide if we want to say that, or if we want to say like, if you're, if it's someone you're dating. Cause I mean, because she kept it a secret, now we feel like we can't let any girl stay the night. Because we don't know, we're kind of like, gonna do away with the sleepovers.

• 52:59Dr. John Delony?

  I think that's just a wise thing to do.

• 53:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:02Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, not, not because of sexuality, just teenagers sleeping over, dude, that's just a recipe for, for getting in trouble. And how do I know that?

• 53:09Speaker 04

  Right.

• 53:10Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I was a teenager that went to a lot of sleepovers. Like, I just know that.

• 53:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:13Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 53:15Speaker 04

  Okay. So we, I guess, me, my husband and I need to decide if that, we want to draw that hard line, or if we just want to say like, you want to date a girl, fine, but

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, I mean.

• 53:23Speaker 04

  She can't sleep over.

• 53:25Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's a no brainer, right? Cause you wouldn't let, you wouldn't let her date boys and sleep over.

• 53:29Speaker 04

  Right, exactly.

• 53:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right. I, I'm saying, if you're gonna get to the place where you say, as for me, as for me and your husband, as for our house, um, you're not going to go on dates with other girls, other young women. Um, if y'all are gonna get to that, if that's your line, then let that be your line. But God almighty, you better double and triple and quadruple down on you're our daughter and we'll love you to the end of time. And we know that this is gonna be painful for you, for us, and we will sit with you through this discomfort.

• 54:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, the hard thing is like, we don't really necessarily know. So it's like, because I was telling my husband, we still have to let her have friends. Like, but we're not gonna know like which ones of them she's dating because she, she just hides everything from us.

• 54:17Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and but, but some hiding from teenagers is normal. They're trying to, they slowly develop their autonomy. That's part of the process. And so that's developmentally appropriate to say it like a nerd would say it. And the less anchored or safe is a dramatic word. I don't mean safe from getting hit or getting fed. I mean, safe like you're allowed to have your own opinions in my house and we have healthy debate and we have a lot of laughter in this house and we have a lot of shared, um, we do hard things together as a family. Kids who feel that feel less need to hide stuff.

• 54:58Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 54:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you and your husband to take some reflective time and say, have we created a world where our teenager knows, um, uh, we are hardliners and we don't, we don't, we don't love, we don't answer the question. We, we just say, no, get away. And that's who we are. Or is some of this secrecy because she knew my mom and dad, um, are gonna judge me on this thing and they're not gonna hear me out. They're not gonna be connected to me. It might cost me my relationship with them.

• 55:29Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 55:29Dr. John Delony?

  The number of young people I've talked to over the years, can I tell you what their biggest, uh, this is what they've reported to me, right? The number of kids up to, I would say, young adults, 18 to 25, 18 to 30, young adults, can I tell you what their biggest fear is? Was coming out to their parents. Like, you won't love me.

• 55:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:53Dr. John Delony?

  I can't have Thanksgiving at your home anymore.

• 55:57Speaker 04

  No, we'll never, we'll never say that.

• 56:00Dr. John Delony?

  Can you imagine the terror of any child believing if my parents know this one thing, they won't love me?

• 56:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:09Dr. John Delony?

  That's trauma, right? That's the definition. And that's why, that's why I can't tell you how many parents have said, my God, I wish I could have that over and let my kid know, I will, I will burn the buildings down to come get you because I love you. You're my kid. I want you and your husband to be aligned on the same page before y'all walk in there. Okay?

• 56:30Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 56:31Dr. John Delony?

  Who's here, who's, here's who we're gonna be as parents who love our kids well.

• 56:37Dr. John Delony?

  Here's who we're gonna be as, um, parents to this young woman. Here, here's who we're gonna be as people of faith. Are we confident that we're on the same page with this?

• 56:51Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 56:51Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what love is gonna look like. And these are gonna be our boundaries and every boundary comes with consequences.

• 56:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to really talk about that and make sure we're in agreement before we talk to her.

• 57:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 57:05Speaker 04

  I felt like we were, but now I'm kinda thinking I might need to think over it.

• 57:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 57:09Speaker 04

  Um, do, do you think that we should talk to the other girl's parents about it?

• 57:16Speaker 04

  I had planned to, but now I'm not sure.

• 57:18Dr. John Delony?

  Um,

• 57:24Dr. John Delony?

  I will tell you, I would talk to the parent not because I found out their kid is attracted to my, or is dating my daughter. I wouldn't run to say, oh, my gosh, guess what I found out about your kid?

• 57:37Speaker 04

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 57:38Dr. John Delony?

  I would talk to-

• 57:39Speaker 04

  They're gonna be wondering-

• 57:40Dr. John Delony?

  I would talk to the other parent and say, hey, I found out our daughters are dating and we can't do sleepovers.

• 57:46Speaker 04

  That was pretty much, yeah. I, because I know they're gonna be wondering.

• 57:49Dr. John Delony?

  I would do that, especially if they're close family friends. If you don't know this family- I wouldn't feel an obligation. But I wouldn't, I wouldn't feel the need to run out and be like, oh, my gosh, guess what I found about your kid? I wouldn't feel that obligation, but I would say, hey, we found out our daughters are dating. And they're in a relationship together and they've been spending the night with each other and we're drawing a hard line on that.

• 58:12Speaker 04

  Okay, that's, yeah, the mom and I have kind of become friends through the girls being friends.

• 58:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 04

  And they've just been really good to our daughter. So I just don't want to leave them in the dark, like wondering why we all of a sudden decided to stop letting her stay the night.

• 58:25Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Yeah.

• 58:26Speaker 04

  So.

• 58:26Dr. John Delony?

  And, and.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 58:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you can sit there open handed with her and say, here's what I found out about our daughters.

• 58:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:33Dr. John Delony?

  And she, be prepared for to go, yeah, I knew that.

• 58:37Speaker 04

  I know. I'm like, if she knew and didn't tell us, that's not, to me, that's not cool, but.

• 58:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right, right.

• 58:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:45Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm way more concerned about the sexual activity of my teenagers.

• 58:51Dr. John Delony?

  Then, then, than anything else at this point.

• 58:54Speaker 04

  Same. Yeah. I just don't want to put her in the position, in that position yet at 15.

• 58:58Dr. John Delony?

  God, no.

• 58:59Speaker 04

  To be like experimenting and whatever, whatever gender it is, I just don't think.

• 59:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yes, yes, because you're a good parent. Okay.

• 59:08Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah, get with your husband and get real clear.

• 59:11Dr. John Delony?

  And we can go from there. Thank you for talking through this with me.

• 59:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, thank you.

• 59:17Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for wanting to love your daughter well.

• 59:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, I appreciate your help so much.

• 59:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you bet. And if you want to call me back, or you come back with your husband, or you can come back with your daughter. Um, I won't talk, I won't talk to kids under 18 on the show, but if they call their parents, I'd be happy to.

• 59:36Dr. John Delony?

  Our kids, man, parents out there, our kids got to know on a, on a, not a regular basis, a daily basis.

• 59:43Dr. John Delony?

  There will never be someone on your team more than me. That doesn't mean I'm going to approve of everything you do, like depend on your values. That's not going to be mean that you're not going to have a consequence free life. Of course not. Especially that doesn't mean I'm going to let you do whatever you want, whenever you want to. Um, based on safety concerns, etc. But my gosh, every one of those decisions is going to be made because I love you forever and ever and ever. We'll be right back.

• 1:00:12Dr. John Delony?

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• 1:00:56Dr. John Delony?

  Cozy Earth Sheets are soft and breathable, and somehow they keep me cool without freezing me out, and I don't sweat all night. They're just perfect. Cozy Earth Sheets help me sleep better. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth will give you a 100-night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10-year warranty on everything else. So there's no risk trying out Cozy Earth gear. Try them for yourself. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney with code DELONY. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show.

• 1:01:38Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back, Kelly.

• 1:01:40Speaker 02

  All right, so I have a question about the Together app.

• 1:01:43Dr. John Delony?

  Rip it.

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  And this one's a little more personal than like the ins and outs and the how it works things. So I want to know, first of all, what's your favorite part? And then how have you and Sheila used it? And what have you seen from that?

• 1:01:55Dr. John Delony?

  The favorite part for me and my wife was if you'd asked both of us, do we do it, what I would call small, this is a dorky way to say this, small attenuating bids? Do we do those things every day? We've both been like 1,000%, nobody does them better. This app was like, "Oh, I don't do them like I thought." And especially, I don't ask, I don't do the work to find out what are the best bids for her. I do bids as I would want them, right? And so I'll tell you, man, when we first got the first prototype in and we started using it at the house, and again, I was doing this just because I thought, I need to be able to say I use this app too. I'm telling you what, man, it changed my house.

• 1:02:40Dr. John Delony?

  Getting home and finding a note about my wife seeing me do a certain thing with the kids that she just said, I want you to know, like, that's awesome and I love you.

• 1:02:50Dr. John Delony?

  The other day, when we were at the beach, I went from, I flew down to Orlando, did that event for three days. It's a super intensive with 2,700 business leaders. It's on, never, like, all day, all night. It's a wild thing. I flew back to Nashville, threw my stuff in a bag and we drove to Knoxville for my son's state track meet. We spent the night in a hotel there. We drove back and we didn't stay at home. We immediately jumped in and went to Alabama for a family trip we'd planned. And after day two or three, my son's just getting up before God and being like, let's go fishing. She saw it on me. And I was just like, I'm out of gas. But I told this kid, we're gonna fish till we can't walk anymore. And so we're going.

• 1:03:35Dr. John Delony?

  And she caught me on the way out the door in a way she's never. And she held me and said, I'm watching you be the best dad I've ever seen. Like, like, but that is the daily, that's us doing that app over and over and over again. And, and so, yeah, it's changed us even. And I wrote it, right? But it's changed us in a pretty powerful way, just to constantly be paying attention to how can I love you? And, uh, man, it was, it was pretty cool. It gave me some extra, extra gas in the tank, just seeing her see me, right? I felt seen and it was awesome. So, cool. You should do it too, Kelly.

• 1:04:15Speaker 02

  I do it, but my husband, and I'm so ashamed to admit this, has an Android. I know.

• 1:04:22Dr. John Delony?

  You're married to someone with an Android?

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  I know, I know.

• 1:04:24Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, we'll talk about that.

• 1:04:26Speaker 02

  I'll call in.

• 1:04:26Dr. John Delony?

  At the next show.