My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know I Take Meds to Have Sex

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man wondering how to tell his girlfriend the truth about his medications A woman struggling to feel attractive as she ages A young mom wondering how to talk to her kids about homelessness Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch ❤️ Getaway with your spouse today! Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I've met a 62-year-old woman and if I can just be frank, she and I have marathon intimate times.

• 0:12Dr. John Delony?

  First, you roll into my house and say, "I'm 62 and I have marathon sex for hours" and that you take a couple of Cialis.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:21Dr. John Delony?

  Where are you feeling dishonest?

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You amazing men and women are writing and calling in from all over the planet. We talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you've got going on in your life. My promise is I'll pull up a seat and I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina and talk to Brother Bruce. What's up, Bruce?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  Hello, Doctor. How are you?

• 1:02Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, man. How are you?

• 1:04Speaker 00

  I'm perfectly well and very nervous. I feel very privileged to talk to you, although I'm extraordinarily embarrassed.

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  Aw, man. Your feelings are all real and you're allowed to have them. I'll just tell you, I'm glad that you're here. It's just you and me and several million people listening in, so it's all, it's all, it's all good, man. What's up?

• 1:26Speaker 00

  Okay. Thank you. I'm a 62-year-old widower with no children. After my wife passed away in 2020, I needed to come to Vanderbilt there in Nashville for a heart and kidney transplant, which I eventually got. And I haven't started dating until, you know, about five years after her passing.

• 1:50Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on. So after your, after your wife passed away, you had to go through a heart transplant all by yourself?

• 1:55Speaker 00

  A heart and kidney transplant, yeah.

• 1:57Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  And both organs had to come from one person.

• 2:01Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. How are you doing right now?

• 2:04Speaker 00

  I am perfect.

• 2:06Dr. John Delony?

  That's...

• 2:07Speaker 00

  As perfect can be.

• 2:09Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, I wish more people described themselves as perfect. That's awesome.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:14Dr. John Delony?

  But I can't imagine, I don't like doing a cold with, like going through a cold without my wife. I can't imagine grieving and then having to go through that at the same time all alone, man.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yes. I was, I was very fortunate because I'm a veteran. The, uh, so the VA, as soon as my wife was diagnosed, uh, I started counseling to process, you know, the, you know, the eventual loss of her.

• 2:37Dr. John Delony?

  Good deal. Did y'all have some good last years together?

• 2:39Speaker 00

  I was in counseling for three years.

• 2:42Dr. John Delony?

  Did y'all have some good last years together?

• 2:45Speaker 00

  We did.

• 2:45Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, awesome.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  And we, you know, with no children, you know, um, I just sat here in, in my house, in our house, uh, the night that she passed and I just sat next to her as she breathed her last. And then I took care of all of her final, um, wishes the way she wanted. I planted a tree in the graveyard as she asked me to do, and that's what I did for her.

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, you're the man, brother. That's awesome.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:09Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for sharing that, man. That's a beautiful, that's a beautiful image and a beautiful story of a really gnarly time, man. So thanks for sharing that.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  So how can I help you today, my man?

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Well, I, I'm extraordinarily honest and I've met a very beautiful, very loving, uh, sixty-two-year-old woman here in Charleston who also doesn't have any children. She's divorced for about fifteen years. Um, and I've fallen in love with her. And if I can just be frank, uh, when we began our intimacy, uh, I find that she and I have what I call marathon, uh, intimate times where it's several hours. Which she very much enjoys, but the bit of dishonesty that I'm struggling with is there are times, more times than not, that I have to take a couple of Cialis pills in order to...

• 4:03Speaker 00

  Do this with her and I have not told her. I have been completely honest and open with every other aspect of my life, but I feel disingenuous by not saying to her. Um, you know, she says that I make her feel very beautiful, which she absolutely is. Um, I love her a lot and so I feel very fortunate to have found her. She's a very accomplished person financially and in her career.

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, brother, hold on. You're going down, you're going down a side trail.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:32Dr. John Delony?

  First, you roll into my house and say, I'm 62 and I have marathon sex events for hours.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  And that you take a couple of Cialis.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 4:45Dr. John Delony?

  Where, where are you feeling dishonest?

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Because I, she doesn't know that I'm, she knows that I take a boatload of pills to protect my transplanted, uh, organs, but she doesn't know that sometimes those pills, you know, are the Cialis pills.

• 5:03Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, this is me being as kind as I can, but so what? Why do you feel like you're cheating her?

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Um, what I, what I fear is, uh, what I fear is if she, if she finds out or if I've, you know, I find the courage to say to her, uh, I'm, I'm taking these on, on more than a few occasions when we're together. I don't want her to feel less, you know, like I, I need them because she's less attractive or I love her less. I feel like she may be-

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the thing, number one, you're 62, you gotta get that out of your head, man.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you're 62.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Yes, I am.

• 5:42Dr. John Delony?

  Those, you're not 18 is what I'll say. Okay?

• 5:46Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:46Dr. John Delony?

  You're not 25, you're 62.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  I didn't need them when I was 26, but I am 62 and I have-

• 5:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying. Okay, just be really grateful-

• 5:54Speaker 00

  I have health issues that I still have to manage.

• 5:55Dr. John Delony?

  Be really grateful that you live in a sliver of history when this is possible. Okay?

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's number one. Number two, you are creating stories. And in, about a potential future mishap.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you are dragging that stor, those stories back into your present and experiencing the heartbreak, the frustration, the embarrassment in real time.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  If you care about this person, you said you're falling in love with this person. You have a great time with this person. This person is accomplished and I don't care about their accomplishments, but that is a signal to me that they are able to critically think, they can work through challenges, like all that stuff.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  Like you saying this, I just can't wrap my head around there's any sort of deception whatsoever at all.

• 6:55Dr. John Delony?

  Like you don't explain to her which pills are which to keep you breathing every day.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  I do not. No, she just knows that when I come to her house, I have a big bag of medicine and I take them twice a day and that's all she knows.

• 7:08Dr. John Delony?

  If this is, here's the bigger thing. The bigger thing is troubling me is that you say you love this person. You're willing to have, as you put, marathon physically intimate, like, like, I don't even know the right word, without being crass, like just get it on time.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:26Dr. John Delony?

  But you don't feel safe enough to, like, who cares about the medication? But there's a secret that you have that you don't feel safe enough to say out loud.

• 7:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't care if that secret is,

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  "My wife of however many years used to wear those red dresses. Next time we go out, could you not wear a red dress?"

• 7:49Speaker 00

  I see.

• 7:50Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "Hey, I love coming over here and being with you. I never thought I would say these words, but I want to get married. I'll spend the rest of my life with you and let's just get old and ride or die together." Or, "I take a medication. I'm just embarrassed about it. I just want to put it on the table."

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "Whenever I eat, whenever I go to a ballgame and I eat hot dogs, I get gas." Like, I mean, y'all are past that physically. Y'all are past that relationally. But something in your, like, you've anchored a flag there that somehow you're less than. Or worse, somehow because you're 62 years old.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  And the plumbing is different than it used to be, that she is gonna interpret that not from the, like, factually, but she's gonna create a story in her head. Like, man, you're there's, uh, let me say it this way. There's enough craziness in the world, don't create yet another story about somebody you have a great relationship with.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  I, I, I really appreciate that because, um, I had been feeling prior to hearing what you just said, that I'm, I'm walking around in my house while she's at work. I'm not allowed to, to work anymore, but she's still in the workforce. So I'm, I'm, you know, I'm kind of bumping around in my house, um, creating roadblocks to a woman that I absolutely want to marry and spend the rest of whatever years I have left, uh, with someone who wants the same. And I, I should just be open, you know, to that possibility and not worry about the rest. Um, I just, I'm very honest and I have felt not saying anything

• 9:39Speaker 00

  about this particular aspect of my life, that I've been dishonest by keeping it to myself.

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  Can I challenge you on something?

• 9:47Speaker 00

  I'm sorry?

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  Can I challenge you on something?

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yes, sir.

• 9:51Dr. John Delony?

  I may be completely out to lunch here, okay? So just imagine you and me out here in Nashville. There's a Grad Taco Shop right across the street from Vanderbilt, okay?

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  We're, we're, just imagine us two sitting there having chips and queso, okay?

• 10:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:08Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a possibility that you got married once and you had a ride or die?

• 10:16Dr. John Delony?

  And she left. She passed away.

• 10:20Dr. John Delony?

  Could it also be the scariest thing besides somebody leaving is when your own body fails you? And you can't, can't count on your own heart? What else can you count on?

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a possibility that you're afraid, "If I go all in on this thing, she might pass away on me too, or my body may fail her too?" And so, we're just gonna create stories to keep a little bit of space between this amazing woman and this amazing guy who had this amazing relationship.

• 10:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because I've been through hell, I've been through pain before. And your body's saying, "Hey, we know what happens if you fall in love. We know what happens if you get a forever person. It ends in heartache and painless stay away."

• 11:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so, you pace your house, you pace your apartment, wherever you live, repeating stories, responding to stories.

• 11:20Dr. John Delony?

  How many times, let me ask you this, how many times have you been down a rabbit hole in your mind? About some... More, more times than I can, I can't count. Okay, but you're down this rabbit hole, and then you see this girlfriend of yours? Yeah. And she is, she's, she's the sun. She is. She's, and you realize, "Oh, I was, I was way off." Yeah. She can't wait to see you, and she, she lights up when she sees you. Yeah.

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  So, what I'll tell you is this, rumination feels like productive thinking. It feels like, and especially for my friends who are veterans. Yeah. They were trained to foresee anything that could happen and reverse engineer a plan just in case.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And they get out of the service, and they come home, and they start ruminating, imagining worst-case scenarios everywhere, and trying to come up with a plan for all of it.

• 12:18Dr. John Delony?

  And you can't do that with that many variables, and friends, and work, and family, and, and, and. "Oh, by the way, you have to have a heart transplant and a kidney transplant. You gotta go through it alone because your wife passed away." Yeah. And so, what I'll tell you is rumination never solves any problems. It feels like productive thinking. It feels like you're practicing a future solution to a thing. It's not. What it's doing is making your present miserable.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so my challenge to you is-

• 12:48Speaker 00

  Absolutely. I don't want that.

• 12:51Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, I totally, I totally get that. Can I tell you a couple of tricks for that? Not tricks, but solutions for that?

• 12:58Speaker 00

  Yes, sir, please.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to sit down with your girlfriend.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:03Dr. John Delony?

  How long you, have you all been together?

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Oh, six or seven months so far.

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to say, "There are some big things on my heart, and I have tried to protect you, I've tried to protect me, and I just want to have a time of openness." Is that cool? And probably, she's pretty, sounds pretty awesome, she'll go, "Sure, go for it." And you can say what you want about, "I really care about you." And I take 500 pills a day, you know that. I'm 62 years old, couple of those pills are Cialis. And I have told myself, this, this is important,

• 13:44Dr. John Delony?

  I've told myself this story, that you won't like me if you knew that. And here's what you're gonna do, you're gonna head straight into this fear. And I'm almost willing to bet, I could be wrong. And by the way, if she looks at you and goes, "Oh my gosh, gross, you're the worst", you have dodged a bullet like the Matrix, my friend.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:07Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm almost confident she will smile and say, "Honey, you're 62."

• 14:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  She will, I know her that, I know her well enough to know that that will be her reaction.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  And that all my fears are all self-induced.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, the only way through them is through them.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  And then, as you come up with other stories, because your body's gonna try to protect you from close intimate relationships, because it remembers when your wife passed.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:35Dr. John Delony?

  It remembers when the doctor said, "Your body is failing you from the inside out."

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:40Dr. John Delony?

  Your body's not broken, it's just trying to keep you safe, man. And what you have to constantly practice is, at one time, it wasn't safe, but it is now. And so when I get those stories that I start to ruminate on, I'm gonna write them down, I'm gonna get them out of my body, and I'm gonna ask one question, "Is this true?"

• 15:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I think you factually know she would, if you told her a couple of those pills are Cialis, she'd probably laugh, probably give you a hug. She might say, "Thank God." Right? Is that fair?

• 15:11Speaker 00

  I'm certain she wouldn't, she wouldn't care less about any of it. It's just, it's just me.

• 15:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I want you to hear me say, "You're not broken." Not something wrong with you.

• 15:22Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 15:23Dr. John Delony?

  Your body's just trying to keep you safe.

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  And, and by the way, can I applaud you for being a 62-year-old guy who went to the doctor about ED? Most men don't, and that's why I take so many sexless marriages calls on the show. People calling in. Because guys don't have the courage to go to the doctor.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  Thank you for that.

• 15:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you, man. That's a big step.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 15:44Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the next thing. Can I throw one other thing at you?

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 15:49Dr. John Delony?

  The

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  the largest number of STI, I have to just say this to me, okay?

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:56Dr. John Delony?

  And again, if you could see me talking, you'd see me with a smile on my face, okay?

• 16:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 16:00Dr. John Delony?

  But also, I'm being serious. If the largest number of people who are diagnosed with STIs, sexually transmitted infections, I used to call them STDs when we were kids, is obviously young people. But there is a surge of people 55 and older

• 16:21Dr. John Delony?

  because of these medications, because people are hooking up later and longer.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  I see.

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  Why do I tell you this? If you love this woman, go make this woman your wife and y'all ride off into the sunset together and go until y'all have no tread left on the tires. And dude, I just gotta say, you've been through it and your body's gonna try to protect you. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. And man, it sounds like you're a good man. So thank you for being a good man and wanting to always be honest and integrous. I don't see this as an integrity moment at all. I see this as you trying to protect yourself because, man, you're about to really go all in on loving this person if you haven't already, and that means you can get hurt really bad again. And that fear is real. I'm gonna tell you, man, buckle up and head right through it.

• 17:11Dr. John Delony?

  Go marry this lady. Y'all are 62, clock's ticking. Let's go create an amazing fourth quarter. When we come back, a woman is struggling to believe her husband still finds her attractive as they've grown old.

• 17:27Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, I know it's not just me. Everyone I'm talking to has that feeling like something is off. There's this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives. And it feels like our phones are listening to us. It feels like everybody's tracking us. And we know for sure that when we're on the internet, every keystroke is being tracked. We're living in a time when personal information, like our name, our address, our phone number, even our family's information, is being bought and sold behind our backs without our knowledge or consent. It's not just a privacy issue. Because when your data is scattered all over the internet, it just feels off. It's gross. And that's why I use DeleteMe. DeleteMe is a service that hunts down your personal information

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:52Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:11Speaker 02

  Hey.

• 20:12Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 20:14Speaker 02

  Uh, I don't know. This is pretty crazy.

• 20:17Dr. John Delony?

  It's crazy for me, too.

• 20:19Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, right.

• 20:22Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on?

• 20:24Speaker 02

  Um, I'm, I'm just surprised. I don't feel like my issues are nearly as big as a lot of stuff you guys are taking care of. So I'm surprised you're willing to talk to me today.

• 20:33Dr. John Delony?

  Pain and concern and fear, there's, it's not a sum zero game. Everybody's hurt is their hurt and everybody's concerns are their concerns. I'm just, I'm just grateful that you called.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Well, thanks for talking to me. Um, yeah, so should I just give you the question and you can ask me what background you want?

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  Get on the high dive, tuck your knees and cannonball. Jump all the way, jump all the way in.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Okay, um, I'll warn you, I'm, I didn't think you'd choose it. I kind of just sent it out into the universe, thinking it would stop bothering me if I actually admitted it out loud. So this is not something I talk about a lot, but, um, no, I just, uh, you know, I kind of really.

• 21:13Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly has a knack for finding people who are really vulnerable and she's like, yeah, let's get them. It's her superpower.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  Kick them while they're down. No, I'm just kidding.

• 21:22Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's awesome. All right, go for it, go for it.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, so, um, you know, I've had a really blessed life. Um, I have an amazing husband who, um, he's honor, integrity, like all the things. He loves me. We've had a happy marriage. He's my favorite person in the whole world and he tells me the truth and we have, um, a really good marriage and for whatever reason, um, I just have a hard time believing him when he tells me he's attracted to me. And I don't not believe any other time, but for whatever reason, um, I'm convinced.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  That being a man of integrity or a man of honor, he's gonna honor our marriage. And so he's gonna tell me what's gonna be nice to hear or something. I don't know.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  So.

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  That's hard to say out loud, isn't it?

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:23Dr. John Delony?

  I've got a hypothesis. Can I throw it out there?

• 22:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:28Dr. John Delony?

  Is this one particular particularly hard to hear when he says, I think you're beautiful? Or you hear me say all the time on the show, behavior is a language. When he wants to still be with you after all the years y'all have been together. I sleep with you. He still wants to like be intimate with you, right? Because you don't think you are.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  Oh, absolutely.

• 22:56Dr. John Delony?

  And so when he says, I think you're beautiful. Or when he kisses you or holds you tight. Or wants to make love with you. In your mind, one of you has to be wrong. One of you has to be the liar here.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  Because you so deeply believe you're not beautiful anymore.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  See, it's it's crazy because I like. So we we have six kids. My body's been through it. And I'm not worried about stretch marks or anything like that, but I have like thirty pounds on me. Like not a lot of weight, but like weight I don't want. And he

• 23:45Speaker 02

  you know, he he says he doesn't mind, right? He doesn't care. He understands. But when we got married, I was nineteen. It was cute and like, you know, thin and all that. And I'm I'm not uptight about a lot of the things about my body, but. Man, that weight, when you get close to forty, just doesn't come off the way it used to. And all of a sudden, I don't look quite as young. I'm not carded anymore when I go into restaurants, right? Like, just stupid stuff. But, um, yeah, I just, I feel like I'm aging and I don't look old. And I don't think I'm ugly and I don't think I'm huge. Like, there are so many other people that I look around me and I'm like, oh, they're actually,

• 24:30Speaker 02

  they look really cute in their clothes and they're heavier than me, right? But I just, I, I don't know, I feel like-

• 24:36Dr. John Delony?

  You don't think you're lovable? You think you've done something wrong?

• 24:45Speaker 02

  I feel like I've let him down.

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, where does that story come from? You've given him six amazing kids and he loves you to death. A guy would take on the world for you.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  Uh, he would, um-

• 25:03Dr. John Delony?

  Well, here's the story, here's the story Arca most interested in.

• 25:10Dr. John Delony?

  Why do you believe that thirty pounds is the difference between worthy of being loved or letting down my husband?

• 25:20Speaker 02

  I don't know. I feel like, I mean, so obviously I've been, since I wrote in, I've been thinking a lot about it because I actually admitted it to something. And then Kelly found it immediately. I was surprised by that, um, but, um, when I, when I've been thinking about it, I mean, I immediately, when I was told that you would talk to me, I immediately called him and said, hey, this is something I did and I'm gonna have this phone call. And he was like, well, I love you and I think you're beautiful and go get some help. Like, he was totally supportive and he didn't tease me about it or anything. And so, yeah, he's wonderful.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  But I think, looking at like my whole life-

• 26:06Dr. John Delony?

  And you are too.

• 26:10Speaker 02

  I feel like my whole life I've been, if I'm being honest, especially after having kids and like seeing all the different personalities, I actually have been very naturally talented or blessed in a lot of ways. I was probably above average intelligence. I was above average in the sport I participated in, but that meant that I was always put in the smart class or in the competitive team. And then I was not the best there. And so I had this view of me always like just trying to catch up. And I don't know, I've just always felt

• 26:53Speaker 02

  like I was clawing to prove that I was good enough to be wherever I was.

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  Are you tired?

• 27:04Speaker 02

  I'm exhausted.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  That sounds exhausting.

• 27:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. But then I just think, oh, it's just being a mom or whatever. Cause I actually homeschool them all since COVID. It just kind of, that's how we needed to do things. And so, yeah, I'm on tap all the time for all six of them.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  When's the last time you went and hung out with your girlfriends, just you?

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Actually, my mom just planned one last weekend and it was amazing, but then I was stressed the whole time about my, you know, leaving my family behind.

• 27:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. This is gonna sound bananas, but you're gonna have to practice not being codependent.

• 27:53Dr. John Delony?

  You-

• 27:53Speaker 02

  Is that what I am?

• 27:54Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I don't like the labels of your code. You've, you've got some sort of codependency disorder. I'm not gonna say that. I'm saying your actions are this.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or what's inside your chest is, I need my kids to be okay for me to be okay.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  And nobody can help them be okay more than I can be okay. So the story, the loop you get on is, I need to sacrifice everything. Laughter, joy, connectivity, friends, community.

• 28:26Dr. John Delony?

  Every movement, exercise, like just saying, "Y'all, take care of yourselves. I'm relaxing right now." You sacrifice all of that for this ever-moving finish line of, "Now, they're gonna be okay."

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:41Dr. John Delony?

  And you dumped that on your husband.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:44Dr. John Delony?

  Because my guess is, is like, "I'm gonna be a great mom. I'll quit my intellectual pursuits and be a stay-at-home mom." Not one kid, not five kids, six kids. "I'm gonna be with you sexually, I'm gonna be with you emotionally, I'm gonna do all these things." And he is super grateful, like, he's beside himself. He knows how lucky he is. And yet, you keep moving the bar for yourself. "Oh, well, now he's not happy because I got 30 pounds." Now, he's not happy. And my guess is, you were, there was something else about you before this.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, probably. Seems reasonable. I think that's probably part of why I wrote into the show was because now that I have teen girls, like, I don't like the way I feel, and I don't want them to be like this. Because I tell them all the time, like, "Your value has nothing to do with the way you look."

• 29:38Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but they know that, they know that's not true.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I'm worried about that.

• 29:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Let that worry pulse through you.

• 29:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? It's a real worry.

• 29:56Dr. John Delony?

  And, like, the other day, I took my son out for breakfast, and I said, "Hey, I need you to hear me directly. I have set a terrible example in this house." Because I walk in through our back, through the garage, and I drop my stuff right there. My jackets, my bag, whatever I got in my hands. I usually have two Yetis in my hands. I just drop them. And I said, "I've shown you a bad example of what being respectful of this house is. Your mom puts a lot of work in here, and I just come and drop it." And I said, "I have to change my actions. I'm gonna call, I'm asking you to call me out, and I'm asking you to call me out." That's how you fix this stuff.

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  Is to sit down and say, "I've given you this image."

• 30:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're gonna have to practice. Y'all are on your own. I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends on Monday nights.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna go see a counselor and pull the thread on where are these stories coming from that I'm not lovable? That I'm not, not beautiful in the aesthetic sense, but I don't have any beauty worthy of people being around. You think you're a burden to your husband?

• 31:07Speaker 02

  I think I'm a burden to most people.

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And with all due respect and love in the world, that's madness.

• 31:18Dr. John Delony?

  It's not a true story.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  I think that's what's frustrating is that I know it's not, but I can't help myself.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  From, to change.

• 31:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I, it was about a year ago now, I asked my counselor, the woman I see here in Nashville, "I need help," and I put my hand on my chest, "I need help knowing, feeling," and I pointed to my head, "what I know to be factually true."

• 31:45Dr. John Delony?

  And she smiled and said, "That's the longest walk you'll ever take." And I was like, "I know, but I gotta do it."

• 31:52Dr. John Delony?

  And that's you walking in to a counselor and saying, "I understand that the feelings I'm having are not reflecting the reality with which I live," and that usually means either childhood trauma, or that means that your body is sensing scary things in the present, and you are trying desperately to keep everybody around you okay and safe, and you're spinning up stories as to why you feel the way you feel. And there's something about dropping your shoulders and saying, "I'm worth being loved."

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  And on the days I don't feel like it, I'm gonna trust you.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna start practicing saying out loud, or even writing in a journal, "Today is three things I want."

• 32:38Speaker 02

  And that's not selfish?

• 32:39Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 32:42Dr. John Delony?

  Why would that be selfish? Where'd you hear that story? That you taking care of you is selfish?

• 32:51Speaker 02

  Well, no, I think I, you know, I, I try to take care of myself, but...

• 32:56Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a Christian?

• 32:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  Do you remember the story where Jesus got away from everybody to go pray?

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. There's time when to work all in. You got six kids, you're on the clock all the time. You have a husband who still thinks you're beautiful and still wants to be with you. You're on the clock all the time. And I'm saying that sarcastically, you know what I mean?

• 33:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:20Dr. John Delony?

  And yet, there's times I'm pulling away.

• 33:24Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going out on the lake with my buddies, I'm gonna go sleep.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna pull away all by myself. Y'all keep watch, I'm gonna go pray.

• 33:35Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's not selfish. It's putting your oxygen mask on first so you can go do the next hard thing.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  I think I, being married young, it, it was very much about making sure that, and he made sure I got my degree too. I have my bachelor's, but he did advanced degrees and that meant that I was having kids and staying home with them while he was doing the late nights and the long hours and stuff. Um, he went through medical school and residency and all that together and, um, yes, I've always felt like I was sacrificing for our greater good.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I promise you, he thinks the same thing.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so both of y'all have competing stories. It's actually the same story that could unify y'all in an amazing way.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  Because he works crazy hours and has a crazy job taking care of hurting people. Nobody comes to see them when they're having a good day.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  That's accurate.

• 34:43Dr. John Delony?

  And he has to deal with all of the medical establishment, which is in utter chaos right now. And insurance, all he does, all that. And the story he tells himself is, "I'm sacrificing myself for this amazing, beautiful wife of mine and my six awesome kids."

• 34:58Speaker 02

  Well, I'm sure that's what he's telling himself.

• 34:59Dr. John Delony?

  And you wake up every day and say, "I've got intellectual pursuits. I don't have any adult friends. I miss folks. It's so bad that my mom had to plan a trip." Right? "And I'm sacrificing myself for the kids."

• 35:15Dr. John Delony?

  And what happens is you run parallel to each other.

• 35:20Dr. John Delony?

  You become amazing co-managers of the household.

• 35:29Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of realizing, "We both are trying as hard as we can. We're giving pieces of ourselves for the other person." The other person's saying, "That's not, I just need you." And you're saying, "I need you." And he's saying, "I need you." And it's coming back and saying, "Hi, my name is Elizabeth. I love you. I'm really struggling with body image these days. I'm really struggling with the story I've made up that you don't love me, that I'm not pretty anymore.

• 35:55Dr. John Delony?

  You still like me?

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  You want to build a new amazing marriage with me? I may want to go back to school one day. I want to get a graduate degree. We make enough money. Could we hire..." Like, it's beginning to put some of that stuff on the table. And him saying, "I don't want to work so many hours anymore. I miss you. I'm missing the kids. I miss you." And it gives everybody permission to put these things on the table.

• 36:18Dr. John Delony?

  "But I guess I want to tell you, man, you're not broken. You're not a burden to that guy. You're amazing. Thirty pounds doesn't disqualify you from being beautiful, from being worthy of being loved, from being an amazing mom and wife and woman and friend and daughter."

• 36:40Dr. John Delony?

  And at the same time, the truth is, your kids are your daughters, are watching, "This is what, this is what

• 36:49Dr. John Delony?

  loving, being a person, being an adult looks like."

• 36:57Dr. John Delony?

  And it's cool to take a mountain and say, hey, I'm, I've fallen into a trap where for some reason I don't think I'm beautiful anymore. And I'm done with that story. I'm gonna get, I'm gonna do some work with some people. And maybe it wasn't your parents, maybe it wasn't childhood. Great. It's awesome. But you're worthy of being loved, my friend. I'm really grateful that you called. Now the work begins. Day one. When we come back, a mom wonders how to explain homelessness and addiction to her young kids. We'll be right back.

• 37:31Dr. John Delony?

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• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

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• 38:59Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Toronto, Ontario. Let's talk to Clara. What's up Clara?

• 39:04Speaker 03

  Hi there. Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me call in.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. What's going on?

• 39:10Speaker 03

  Well, I'm a mom to two, two young kids, a preschooler and a baby. So I'm hoping that I've, I've called in time to set, set this out right.

• 39:18Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just stop you? Whatever you're calling about, you have plenty of time.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 39:23Dr. John Delony?

  You have a toddler and a baby. You've got a long runway, sister.

• 39:28Speaker 03

  So I would love to get your perspective on how to talk to my kids about homelessness and some of the factors, maybe like addiction, that, that contribute to, to that reality for some of our community members.

• 39:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Um, great question. So tell me about your community.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, so my husband and I just moved our kids to the downtown core of Toronto. So it's a, a really big city. It's really vibrant and dynamic. There's people from all walks of life. We've, we've really enjoyed the transition. There's tons of restaurants and festivals. Um, and the other side to it, the, the heartbreaking reality of it is that, that more of that, that, that community of homelessness, uh, people who are unhoused or experiencing homelessness is, is much more evident now that we're in the downtown core. Um, and we, we do a lot of walking with our kids. And so every day we're passing by someone who, who is, is on the street. Um, and so far, my three-year-old, the sort of most that I've heard from her is, oh, that

• 40:28Speaker 03

  man is sleeping on the bench. And, uh, my response was, yes, he is. Um, and so I'm just wondering when and how to talk to my kids about this. Um, and yeah, I would love, love your insight.

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have any literature on this. I can only speak from what we've done, my wife and I have done with our kids.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, and I want to frame this because my dad was a homicide detective in a huge city in Houston, Texas, right? Um, and the perspective he taught me at a very young age was very counter to any political argument I've ever heard in my life, ever.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 41:10Dr. John Delony?

  And the, essentially, whether he's talking about someone who's struggling with homelessness, he was talking about someone who'd committed a murder, someone who was go, like on trial, like we talked about that a lot. He was very open with me growing up. And the chief lesson I walked away with is...

• 41:27Dr. John Delony?

  That person that you see, whoever, whatever you call, say is a they, that guy, those people, you're about two or three or four decisions away.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:41Dr. John Delony?

  Be very humble.

• 41:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:45Dr. John Delony?

  And be very kind. And this is from a Texas homicide detective.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  (laughing)

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 41:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:51Dr. John Delony?

  Because he would meet these folks and realize, oh, my gosh. But for two situations that are different, I'm that guy.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and so, the, what we've done, so I'm, like, I don't have a political bent on this. I've, I've, I know some of the, the data. I've done some personal, like, um, ethnographic qualitative research on some of the rural popu-, like, I, I know that peripherally. I'm just gonna direct, be direct about, here's what we do in my house.

• 42:20Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:21Dr. John Delony?

  The first thing with my kids since they were, since they were zero, very, very young, um, is humanize folks. It means you have to get involved and serve these people because they have names and they've got stories. And so, I wanted my kids to see not just a guy sleeping on a bench, but a guy that had a dad and a mom at one point. Maybe he's got brothers and sisters.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:45Dr. John Delony?

  And when somebody has a name, it opens up to, yeah, that person may be very, very sick. And that sick, instead of coughing sick, is, and again, if you're talking to a three or four-year-old, instead of coughing sick, that sick is inside their mind.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 42:59Dr. John Delony?

  And they really struggle. And one of the unfortunate things about our world is there's not a ton of resources for people with that kind of sick.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:06Dr. John Delony?

  Imagine not being able to go to the doctor when you were sick.

• 43:09Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:10Dr. John Delony?

  And it, what it will do is challenge you and your spouse to come up with, what are we gonna, what's our house gonna look like? Right?

• 43:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:20Dr. John Delony?

  So, for instance, um, we participate, like, my local church here participates in something called Room at the End, where during the winter, the local churches in Nashville, uh, Tennessee have beds, mattresses, all through their buildings. And homeless folks come spend the night there. And we have meals, but more than meals, we hang out, play games,

• 43:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  Laugh. And it was a shock to me, as a guy who lives in this, like, is invested in this, how one night, uh, one morning I woke up and all six of the quote-unquote homeless guys that had stayed with us were at work. They left at 5 o'clock to catch their shift, right? So it told, it just tells a different story. Now my son's old enough that he can come spend the night with us too.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:01Dr. John Delony?

  My daughter comes and she'll be a part of the meal part.

• 44:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's just finding, finding places. And then my wife and my daughter make bags with water and socks and gla, like, things like that. We don't tell anybody about that. It's the first time I've ever talked about this. But I want, my kids are always seeing, hey, that's a, that's somebody's dad. That's somebody's brother.

• 44:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Um, and so i- it's finding ways to get involved and humanize them. And then not shying away from your own personal heartache. Mom, that's so sad.

• 44:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, it is. It breaks my heart.

• 44:37Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:37Dr. John Delony?

  And kids will call us out. Well, why do we have, we have all these extra rooms. Can they come stay here?

• 44:42Speaker 03

  Hmm, hmm.

• 44:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And tho, like, out of the mouth of kids, man, kids tell the truth.

• 44:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's addressing some of those things head-on. And I want to, I used to, one of my things for my students when I was a college professor was, I, I couldn't solve anything, I, like, I was a professor, right? But what I always wanted is, I never wanted my students who left my class to ever be able to drive through a neighborhood again and not see it. And that's it.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, we have already noticed within days of being in such a, a busy place, how, how far removed you, you immediately become.

• 45:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  Of just, you're on your, you're on your walks, you're doing your thing, and, and suddenly you don't notice it anymore. And, and that's also really scary.

• 45:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I don't ever want a person to become a crack in the sidewalk.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 45:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And so it starts with you and your husband saying, as for our house, us too.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 45:37Dr. John Delony?

  If this matters to us, and I'm assuming because you're calling that it does matter, right?

• 45:41Speaker 03

  It does. Yes.

• 45:42Dr. John Delony?

  Then what is one small thing we can do to get involved? Is there a local organization? And if you're not a person of faith, there's, there's, there's five million nonprofits in these cities. Where's the thing we can invest our time in? That then becomes the story, mommy, where are you going? Daddy and I, you know that man that was sleeping on the bench? Yes, ma'am. Your daddy and I are going to help him out.

• 46:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  What do you mean? Well, he doesn't have a house to sleep in, he doesn't have any food. So we're going to go make sure he's got a meal tonight. Why doesn't he have any food? I'll talk to you about that when I get home.

• 46:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  And we're going to begin gently those conversations. But I, oh, kids, uh, my friend Rachel Cruz says more is caught than is taught. They're going to learn by how you and your husband either go, ugh. Or if they ask for money, you turn your nose up or pretend they're not there. Your kids will learn to pretend people aren't there.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:33Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you, if you look them in the eyes and say, you don't have any cash. I'm so sorry, man. I don't have any cash, but my name's John. What's your name? Dude, it's an honor to get to meet you today. And you walk on, your kids will pick that up too.

• 46:46Speaker 03

  It's a really great reminder.

• 46:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 46:48Speaker 03

  Um, if I can just go a little bit further than.

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  Is there an age or stage where if they haven't asked, you want to make sure you bring things up?

• 46:57Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 46:57Speaker 03

  Like.

• 46:59Dr. John Delony?

  My wife and I, again, this is the path we have taken. Um, when they were very young, and I would say 10 or younger, nine or younger. Um, we tried to let our actions do all of the talking.

• 47:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so conversations about sex, about mental illness, about, um, violence, right? Um, those kinds of things. I want my kids to see me weep when somebody dies. And I haven't shielded them from that. My, unfortunately, I think Will Ferrell humor is still the funniest humor on the planet. And so I've had to explain, when I make a joke, my wife's like, alright, your dad's gonna explain that to you all. So, like, talking about sex has never been a taboo thing in our house. And so it was never, only now that they're getting older are we pulling them aside and saying, hey, this is what a period, like, you've heard us talk about periods, this is what this actually means, what it's gonna feel like, right?

• 47:55Dr. John Delony?

  And, or, like, obviously, I'm not having that conversation, but, um, or I'm taking my son out to talk about X, Y, or Z, right? So, we like to let our actions, when the kids are young, do the talking and let them communicate, there is never a question you cannot ask us.

• 48:13Dr. John Delony?

  And then, as they get older, it's less about, why is that guy there? Because by the time they're six, seven, and eight, they already know about that guy, because mom and dad go every week or every other week to serve in the soup kitchen. And, that guy's Jeff.

• 48:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And when Jeff's angry, we step away, because that's real. I don't want to be, like, it's not all roses, if you work with anything with homeless, it can be tough. And, um, there's some harsh realities to all that.

• 48:42Dr. John Delony?

  But, that's the way we do it. And then, as they get older, about very specific things. But, um, we've tried to cultivate, we haven't done it perfectly, obviously, we've tried to cultivate a, a healthy field that our kids can plant any seeds they want and ask anything that they want. But most of it is, I want them to see us living by action.

• 49:00Speaker 03

  I love that. Thank you for that.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  No, I think, can I just tell you, thank you for being a, A, a concerned citizen. Homelessness is, like, as inflation goes up, housing prices goes up, homelessness is going up more and more and more. And thank you for being a person who doesn't just point a finger at a homeless person and say, oh, it's your, like, right, thank you for being that person. But, also, thank you for caring about the world your kids are growing up in. And your actions and kindness will teach them the kind of citizen they can become.

• 49:32Speaker 03

  I love that and, and you know, it's just, it's, the world feels really daunting when I myself am still grappling with my own understanding of, of these kind of issues. So it's hard to know, what am I passing on to my kids and making sure I'm doing that with kindness and compassion for everyone involved. So.

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a, um, what's your educational background?

• 49:51Speaker 03

  Um, more in the sciences. I have a doctorate in neuroscience.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you how I knew to ask that?

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  Um, you like me, and my wife was Dr. Deloney before me, we were trained to think very carefully and deeply and thoughtfully about something. Before we put any sort of action into the world.

• 50:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  And what I want to tell you is raising kids is the exact opposite.

• 50:21Dr. John Delony?

  Do the next right thing and then be willing to say, I was wrong on that one.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:28Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 50:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  And so let your actions be the guy, you are not going to intellectually solve this problem. It's plagued humanity. Um, but you can make a really powerful difference to Jeff.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:42Dr. John Delony?

  The guy who's got schizophrenia and they kicked him out because he doesn't have any, any, any more money.

• 50:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:47Dr. John Delony?

  You can make a huge difference in the life of Susan, who's, if she told you her story, you would just start sobbing because it's so awful.

• 50:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right. You can, you can give her a hot meal. You may not even change your situation, but she's going to eat tonight because me and my husband got involved. And your kids are going to see that sort of heart and mind. And then if you want to become a sociologist, you can go down the rabbit hole, but I wrote a second dissertation. I don't recommend it. It's not, it's not a great idea. But thank you for having such a beautiful heart and spirit about you that really, um, that encourages me in a time when things feel like they're getting dim. People like you out there saying like, I want to hold the light out here and I got two kids. I'm going to make sure I hold as much light as I can. Thank you for, for being, for being that kind of, that kind of mom. Kudos to you. We'll be right back.

• 51:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are way into fall right now, and you probably know I'm a pumpkin spice guy. Just kidding. Pumpkin spice is disgusting. Nobody should drink it. But I am a guy who loves the fall, but I gotta be honest about it. I've got so much going on. I've got stuff with family, I've got stuff with school, stuff with work, holidays, and I know you do too. In a season that already tends towards anxiety and exhaustion, sleep is super critical right now. That's why I can't stop telling you about Helix mattresses. When people come spend the night at my house, they always want to know about this mattress they're sleeping on in the guest bedroom. It's that amazing. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not just quote-unquote "average sleepers."

• 52:18Dr. John Delony?

  So whether you sleep hot, cold, on your side, on your back, even you face sleepers, I'm not gonna judge you, but come on. Helix customizes their mattresses for you. I got online and took the Helix Sleep Quiz. It took like two minutes, and you can do it too. And now every room in my house has a Helix customized for the sleeper in that room. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 27% off their entire order at helixsleep.com/doloney. That's for your entire order. Go to helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com/doloney, and tell them you heard about it right here on this show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. We've got a money and marriage question.

• 53:02Dr. John Delony?

  If you want to come to the best marriage retreat on the planet, we've got one on sale right now. This show launches in November. That one will be sold out by now. But we have one Valentine's Day weekend. If there's still tickets left when you get this, you can go to ramsaysolutions.com/getaway and get your tickets. Here is one of the questions that was left in the anonymous question box at last year's Money and Marriage event. "How do I get my husband to be present and stay off his phone?" Uh, here's a couple of things right off the top of my mind. Um, you can take his phone and throw it out in the street. That's one. You can take his phone and drop it in the toilet, so it won't work anymore. That's one. Or sink, whichever body of water works best for you. Or another one is, you can take him out...

• 53:50Dr. John Delony?

  And say, "Hey, I want to go to breakfast this weekend."

• 53:53Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, no phones. "I'm not turning my phone off. It's Saturday. The game's..." "I'm just asking you for two hours of your time with no phones." "We turn them off. I'm gonna put mine in my bag. Can I put yours in my bag?"

• 54:06Dr. John Delony?

  And then you use "I" statements. Not "you" statements, but "you're always on your phone." I'm talking about you use "I" statements and you say,

• 54:15Dr. John Delony?

  "I have this nagging feeling in my chest that I've lost you to technology. I miss you.

• 54:22Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to work on how I can be present in our home, and I would be honored if you would work on that, too. I'm on my phone too much. I'm on my screen too much. I feel like I'm competing with the screens, and I miss you."

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  And then usually that can be followed with an, "Oh, God, you're right." Or a whole bunch of, "Well, I have to. I'm on call. I gotta do this. I gotta do this. I gotta do this." Um, but it's you being honest and speaking it out loud.

• 54:55Dr. John Delony?

  "I feel like I'm coming second to the phone." And the fourth thing you can do is just nag and fight and punch and kick and be like, "You were always on..." And that is never gonna work. So that'd be my recommendation.

• 55:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'll tell you this, to husbands and wives listening to this. Probably in the top three or four most common questions I get is, "How do I get my spouse off their phone?" I like to think of folks who are stuck on their phones as folks who are numbing away a life where they feel dead in their own skin, and the phone is actually a Xanax.

• 55:29Dr. John Delony?

  So sometimes, instead of asking, "How do I get you off your phone?"

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  "Will you join me in building a marriage that is alive from the inside out?" "What does that look like?" "I don't know. Let's figure it out." "This could be the funnest adventure of our lives." Love you guys. Bye.