Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show Should I Marry the Guy Everyone Thinks Is My Husband? About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
A woman who's been faking her marriage for years
A man feeling stuck in the middle of family drama
A husband who disagrees with his wife about their daughter’s health
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 I met my partner and we kind of had this whirlwind romance.
0:09 Dr. John Delony? What did you find that made you say, "Halt this thing"?
0:14 Speaker 00 We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts and part of that was wedding money. I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it and it was all completely gone.
0:29 Dr. John Delony? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges, struggles in their marriage, their mental and emotional health, their kids, whatever you've got going on in your life. I'm gonna pull up a seat, you pull up a seat, and we're gonna figure out what's your next right move. For more than two decades, I've spent time as a professor, as a dean of students, as a crisis responder, showing up in the wildest moments of people's lives and asking the question, "What are we gonna do next"? If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. I'd love to have you on. Let's go to Orlando, Florida and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah?
1:11 Speaker 00 Hey, how are you?
1:13 Dr. John Delony? Remarkable. How about you?
1:15 Speaker 00 Very nervous, to be honest, but excited.
1:17 Dr. John Delony? That's very cool, very cool. What's up?
1:20 Speaker 00 I just have a strange question for you, to be honest.
1:23 Dr. John Delony? Let it rip. Every question on this show is strange, so let it go.
1:27 Speaker 00 Basically, I just wanted some advice. How do I overcome issues from my past to learn how to trust enough to marry the man that everyone already thinks is my husband?
1:41 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna backtrack what I was saying earlier, that everyone asks a weird question. They don't ask that weird of one. Explain this, unpack this for me.
1:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's a very strange situation and it's kind of, it was an accidental kind of double life that I now live. Where basically what ended up happening was is um I I met my partner and we kinda had this whirlwind romance and he's absolutely wonderful and super sweet and he proposed very quickly. We had a very small wedding, but before we went through the entire legal process of actually legally getting married, I found out some things that really triggered some very bad issues for me and it really changed everything.
2:28 Dr. John Delony? So let's change a few things. You didn't have a wedding, you had a big party.
2:31 Speaker 00 Exactly.
2:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so we had a big party. Everybody showed up to it. They bring gifts. You all have like toasters and stuff?
2:38 Speaker 00 Yep, got it all.
2:39 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
2:41 Dr. John Delony? What did you find that made you say, uh, halt this thing?
2:49 Speaker 00 Well, a little bit of context is gonna be helpful for this, but basically, yes, we had a big party. We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts and part of that was wedding money and we put it in a joint account and before we finished through the legal process, I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it and it was all completely gone. And he had went and spent all of it on hunting equipment and things that he wanted and never talked to me. And unfortunately, that triggered a very bad insecurity. I grew up in a very abusive household where my father was very bad with money. He would beat all of us and kinda use money to manipulate our situation and we had to move a lot and
3:33 Speaker 00 cause a lot of insecurities. So when that happened, that really made things very challenging where I just suddenly didn't trust this person anymore.
3:42 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so he's not on the phone right now, so I'm gonna ask you some questions. They're gonna sound harsh, okay?
3:47 Speaker 00 Sure, of course.
3:47 Dr. John Delony? But but not being mean, same team, okay?
3:50 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
3:51 Dr. John Delony? So you go through with this big charade, this big party, this you you went through basically a fake wedding where did you hire a minister and everything? You go through that whole thing?
4:05 Speaker 00 Yeah, went through the whole thing.
4:07 Dr. John Delony? You just never got a marriage license?
4:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, exactly.
4:11 Dr. John Delony? And you then went home, deposited, took the gifts, deposited the money, and then I guess y'all were gonna go get a marriage license later? And then a couple of days or whatever later, you realize he'd burned through all that cash?
4:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, backstory makes it a little bit easier. It was during COVID, so it wasn't quite as easy as it usually is to get a marriage license.
4:34 Dr. John Delony? So it was delayed?
4:37 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
4:38 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So you're married in the eyes of the minister and everybody watching, just not legally?
4:44 Speaker 00 Exactly.
4:45 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So you say that you get triggered. Like, this thing sets off a whole cascade of a very abusive childhood. And yet you went ahead and kept living there?
4:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:01 Dr. John Delony? Do you all have kids?
5:02 Speaker 00 We do. We have one child.
5:05 Dr. John Delony? So you've been married this whole time?
5:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, exactly. But at the same time, it's kind of this, it feels like this double life because we don't share our finances. I know you say that you're supposed to, and I want to. I just, I don't know how to trust this person.
5:31 Dr. John Delony? That tells me this wasn't a one-time, young, knuckle-headed expenditure. That he's continually been not trustworthy. Is that fair?
5:40 Speaker 00 Yes, in different ways. I will say, since that time, he's never done anything, not that I've really given him the opportunity, but he's never done anything like that financially again.
5:52 Dr. John Delony? But you don't know because you don't even keep up with his money.
5:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:55 Dr. John Delony? He just Venmo's you for groceries and rent, right?
5:58 Speaker 00 Exactly.
5:59 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, you don't know what he's doing. So how else has he been untrustworthy?
6:04 Speaker 00 Unfortunately, I have caught him, like, watching porn and stuff like that. And I'd been in a previous relationship with somebody for 10 years, and he cheated on me multiple times. And that all kind of started with him watching porn, and it kind of escalated from there. So it's been other things as well.
6:23 Dr. John Delony? Hmm. How long have you all been together?
6:28 Speaker 00 Uh, six years?
6:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So what's your question? How can I help you?
6:37 Speaker 00 I don't know what to do, to be honest. I feel stuck in a life.
6:42 Dr. John Delony? I think you exactly know what to do. I think you know what you have to do. And I think that there's still a six-year-old little girl in there asking herself, Daddy, why are you hitting me?
6:54 Speaker 00 Yeah, I just, to be honest with you, I want this to work.
6:57 Dr. John Delony? I know.
6:58 Speaker 00 I have a kid now.
6:59 Dr. John Delony? You also didn't want your dad to be doing that stuff and he did it anyway.
7:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:03 Dr. John Delony? It's a story that's replayed itself over and over in your life.
7:08 Speaker 00 Yeah, I just, to be honest, it still is a problem. Like, every dime that I get, I still hoard money just because it's my security blanket. I don't know what to do with it, it just sits on a savings account. But I'm scared, I just, I'm terrified to be in that situation again. And I don't know.
7:27 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, you're in it. You live in it right now.
7:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:32 Dr. John Delony? You're in it.
7:35 Speaker 00 But financially, I can't, I can't leave and I don't know what to do. And I want to make this work. I want to.
7:43 Dr. John Delony? I know, I know, you keep saying that. And I want, I want it to work too. But everything you're telling me, behavior is a language, he's not interested in it working. Or he's, his life's just fine.
7:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, I mean, in some ways, things have gotten a lot better. But I just don't even know how to rebuild that trust. I don't know, you know, I'm scared to try to, you know, join our finances together and to try to trust him and legally tie myself to this person.
8:15 Dr. John Delony? Let me just tell you, let's get past all of that. You're legally tied to him.
8:21 Dr. John Delony? Anything else is an illusion in your mind.
8:25 Dr. John Delony? Unless the common law, did y'all buy a house together?
8:28 Speaker 00 Um, I have a house. It's not in his name at all.
8:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay, if y'all share a kid and y'all have been together for six years plus and y'all went through a marriage ceremony, I can guarantee you, on the other end of a divorce settlement, he's getting part of that house.
8:45 Speaker 00 That's terrifying.
8:47 Dr. John Delony? You've created an imaginary world that you think all rules are off because you didn't cross this one threshold, which is go get a marriage certificate.
8:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:58 Dr. John Delony? And in fact, the marriage certificate would have actually made separating one day way easier.
9:08 Dr. John Delony? Because, because it's, if people always say like, "I don't need the government to get involved." When this doesn't work, or if it doesn't work, a divorce, a legal separation, has legal roadmaps for how to do that. You made a human together. You are bound to this guy forever.
9:32 Speaker 00 So what do I do?
9:39 Dr. John Delony? I think the first thing you gotta do is go sit down with a counselor in your local area and say, "I'm not okay." If I'm being real honest with you, I don't think you're telling me the full story. I don't think you're okay.
9:52 Speaker 00 I'm not.
9:53 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Are you safe?
9:56 Speaker 00 Yes, I am safe.
9:59 Dr. John Delony? But you're way closer to the edge than you project, aren't you?
10:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:04 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
10:05 Speaker 00 Everybody else doesn't know.
10:08 Dr. John Delony? I know.
10:10 Dr. John Delony? I've been doing this, I've been having this exact conversation for way, way, way too long. You are teetering over the edge, and you can't go over the edge, you got a little one.
10:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, exactly.
10:21 Dr. John Delony? And you can't go over the edge. You wanna know really why? Because you're worth not going over the edge.
10:30 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think I tried so hard not to end up like my family and my mother, and sure enough, somehow I accidentally ended up in the exact same place.
10:39 Dr. John Delony? Okay, and you can't change anything about any of those decisions up until today, but you get to decide the very next choice you make.
10:51 Dr. John Delony? And that should be scary, but also, hopefully, way down in the dark, I hope that light's a tiny little spark. You've got agency.
11:01 Speaker 00 Yeah, I guess I just, I don't know what to do. I have been trying to save a little bit of money and put it aside to be able to figure out how to make it on my own, but I just, I don't even know if I can. And to be honest, I'm terrified about that kind of stuff.
11:19 Dr. John Delony? What do you mean?
11:20 Speaker 00 Well, like, it's just, I don't even know how to move forward. Like, I have wedding pictures hanging on my wall, celebrating a marriage that didn't really fully happen. I have a kid that I don't even know how I would explain this to later on. And I have a little bit of money saved that I'm so scared of spending that I just live like a miser all the time, because I'm too afraid to have my childhood all over again.
11:45 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
11:45 Speaker 00 And I don't want my kid to live like that.
11:47 Dr. John Delony? A couple of things here, all right? Number one, right now, you don't owe anyone any explanation.
11:57 Dr. John Delony? Your first job is safety.
12:02 Dr. John Delony? Emotional safety, financial safety, physical safety, sexual safety, that you and your boy are in a safe place.
12:12 Dr. John Delony? I am not convinced that this guy that you live with is safe.
12:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, me neither.
12:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
12:24 Dr. John Delony? I won't ask you any more questions, because I don't want to be invasive. If I can hear it in your voice that you don't want to talk about, I won't, okay? But I don't, I don't, you don't, there's a cadence to somebody that isn't safe, and I've heard it my whole career, and I hear it right now.
12:43 Dr. John Delony? The first, you don't owe explanations to anybody.
12:49 Dr. John Delony? If you have a parent or a friend that you can go live with for three months, actually, it's your house, he can leave.
12:59 Speaker 00 He hears that then done.
13:01 Dr. John Delony? I know, I know.
13:04 Dr. John Delony? If he's physically unsafe, I want you to call police if you need to.
13:10 Dr. John Delony? If he's financially unsafe, you have to sit down with a financial planner. Actually, I work at Ramsey Solutions. I'll hook you up with a free financial coaching session, okay?
13:20 Speaker 00 That would be great.
13:22 Dr. John Delony? Who will just walk through, what's the total, like, how much do you owe? What's your bills? What do you make? What's a plan? And I'll also hook you up with the EveryDollar app that will connect to your bank. So you can track your expenses and start, it'll walk you through how to make a budget and how to stick to some of the stuff and give you some financial security back.
13:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay?
13:51 Speaker 00 That would be wonderful. Thank you.
13:53 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna give you three months for free with my friends at BetterHelp, but you have to promise me you'll call them today.
13:59 Speaker 00 Okay, I promise.
14:00 Dr. John Delony? Okay, and you'll start seeing a licensed counselor right away. You're gonna need to see somebody in your local area, because I think your challenges are pretty big, right?
14:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:09 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
14:10 Speaker 00 You could say that.
14:11 Dr. John Delony? Okay, but we're gonna start today.
14:14 Speaker 00 Thank you. I just, I'll be honest, I don't know, I can't, I feel like I can't talk to anybody about it. It's weird and it's embarrassing and it's
14:22 Dr. John Delony? Hold on.
14:23 Speaker 00 complicated.
14:24 Dr. John Delony? You have to trust me, and do, like, I don't lie on the show, okay? You have to trust me that, that when somebody, let me see this the right way. Your fear of telling somebody something, this idea of being found out, you can pull a thread all the way back to a little girl who had to keep the secret of what was going on inside her house.
15:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. I never thought about it that way.
15:03 Dr. John Delony? And listen to me, freedom comes from telling stories, telling the truth. That's where you'll find freedom.
15:15 Dr. John Delony? And there will be some ramifications on the other side of telling the truth, okay?
15:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:21 Dr. John Delony? You're gonna have to own reality.
15:27 Dr. John Delony? And if people in your family are like, wait, what? You're not married? No, during COVID, there was a long wait. And in between us getting married, getting the official certificate, I found some pretty wild stuff. And so I didn't do it. I was scared.
15:45 Dr. John Delony? And if the next response isn't, oh, honey, come over. It's, I can't believe you. Then they are opting out of your life right now.
15:55 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think I'm gonna lose a lot of people that way.
15:58 Dr. John Delony? Okay. I think you're also imagining that.
16:05 Speaker 00 You could be right. It's just, you gotta admit, it's a little bizarre.
16:08 Dr. John Delony? The whole thing's bizarre. But you know what's not bizarre?
16:14 Speaker 00 What?
16:15 Dr. John Delony? A grown woman whose own father was super abusive, who found herself in one, if not two, adult relationships that weren't safe.
16:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, you're absolutely right about that. I'm not very good at picking guys.
16:29 Dr. John Delony? No, no, it's, I mean, you can make it a character. You can make it like another, yet another failure in your backpack if you want to. I'm not gonna do that.
16:43 Dr. John Delony? As the great Terry Real says, we often marry our unfinished business.
16:48 Dr. John Delony? And there's gonna be a little six-year-old girl wondering, Dad, why are you hitting me? I'll do better next time.
16:57 Dr. John Delony? And I'm gonna do better next time.
17:00 Dr. John Delony? And when I say, go talk to a counselor, it's about finally healing that six-year-old girl and letting her know it was never your fault.
17:07 Dr. John Delony? And working that stuff out through your body.
17:11 Dr. John Delony? And getting some tools on finances, getting some tools on work, and getting some next right steps.
17:18 Speaker 00 Yeah, I just, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I don't know how to, how to do this financially.
17:25 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
17:27 Dr. John Delony? Then hang on the line and we're gonna start that process. I'll get you some licensed professionals that can walk with you.
17:33 Speaker 00 Okay, thank you.
17:35 Dr. John Delony? If nobody else says this, I'm gonna tell you this.
17:40 Dr. John Delony? It's gonna be hard to stay where you're at and it's gonna be hard to make some big changes.
17:47 Dr. John Delony? I want you to choose the hard path that's gonna get you where you you wanna be in three years. Okay?
17:54 Speaker 00 I agree. I think you're right.
17:56 Dr. John Delony? And you're worth the work.
18:03 Dr. John Delony? You're worth every minute of the work. Okay?
18:07 Speaker 00 Okay.
18:07 Dr. John Delony? When you don't believe yourself, then get back to those words and believe them. You're worth the work. When we come back, we talk to a man whose dad is struggling to respect his sister's decisions to cut off the family. We'll be right back.
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21:05 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to Greenville, South Carolina, and talk to J.I.M. What's up, Jim?
21:12 Speaker 02 Hey, Dr. John.
21:14 Dr. John Delony? What's up, brother?
21:15 Speaker 02 Not much. I'm one of the original 18.
21:18 Dr. John Delony? Seventeen, OG 17. You are the 18th. Very cool.
21:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:22 Dr. John Delony? What's up?
21:24 Speaker 02 No, so, um, got a question for you. I'll tell you a little bit of backstory. My sister, oldest sister, I'm the fourth of eight kids, about a year ago, decided that she wanted nothing to do with my parents and the, you know, the older four of us kids.
21:44 Dr. John Delony? How come? What happened?
21:47 Speaker 02 Well, it's kind of confusing for us, to be honest, but it comes from...
21:55 Speaker 02 She's had a very hard life with health and medical issues, um, which got her going down a route of looking for answers about why her life is the way it is. I think, I mean, this is fundamental attribution error probably, but, um, she came across CPTSD and, um, concluded that she had it and then tried to backfill the, you know, the, the past trauma. And what was the past trauma for her? She said it was neglect by my parents, um, because
22:36 Speaker 02 my parents had so many kids. That's what she's told us. And then she asked us, did we experience these things? And all of us said, not really. Um, and, uh, that was it for us. Um, she felt like we weren't supporting her and, uh, wasn't really in a, you know, and because we weren't supporting her, which just doesn't want to talk to us anymore.
23:06 Dr. John Delony? You're on the other team, so you're not on my team, so you're dead to me.
23:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:09 Dr. John Delony? All right. So, so how can I help? I hate that for y'all.
23:13 Speaker 02 Yeah. So my, so she made a drawl decision to not talk to.
23:20 Dr. John Delony? How, how is she? How old is she?
23:23 Speaker 02 Uh, thirty-nine.
23:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay. All right. All right. So, um, yeah, uh, how can I help you right now?
23:29 Speaker 02 So her, my dad is still trying to reach out.
23:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
23:33 Speaker 02 And recently called her anonymously, blocked number and all that stuff, um, has sent some texts. And they're not like, it's like a text once, maybe twice a month to a full, to the family chat, chat, which she is part of. Uh, and it just came to head with this call we told.
23:57 Speaker 02 My, we told my parents, "Look, we're not gonna respond to any of these family chats that have her on it. We're going to start our own chat and respond that way without her because she's asked us not to reach out to her." Um, she rightfully thought this was very creepy. She had the, you know, she called the police and the police called my dad. And now I'm trying to figure out how I can help my dad respect that.
24:20 Dr. John Delony? You can't.
24:20 Speaker 02 And not.
24:21 Dr. John Delony? You can't. This is his daughter.
24:25 Speaker 02 I know.
24:27 Dr. John Delony? It's his daughter.
24:30 Speaker 02 I know.
24:33 Dr. John Delony? And I, as the daughter of a, of a nine and a half year old, I'd go to the ends of the earth for her.
24:40 Dr. John Delony? And I don't know what I would do if she created a story that made me the chief villain, so much so that she wouldn't talk to me or her siblings.
24:53 Dr. John Delony? I'd like to say on this side of it, I would respect her willingness, her decision to cut me off.
25:00 Dr. John Delony? I could tell you, I wouldn't be able to breathe.
25:05 Dr. John Delony? And I could also tell you, I would hope that I would leave a trail that let her know that I love her and she could always come home.
25:12 Dr. John Delony? And also know that
25:15 Dr. John Delony? harassment, it's officially harassment when somebody puts in writing, "Do not contact me," and you contact them. So I know I'm committing a crime. I, I just, I can't, I can't even put myself in the hell your dad's in.
25:28 Dr. John Delony? I can tell you that kids rarely change their parents' mind. They might influence behavior.
25:37 Dr. John Delony? The only thing I could tell you to do is be to sit with your dad in person and just say, "Dad, I think it's time for us to be sad for a while because I miss my sister and I know you miss your daughter."
25:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:49 Speaker 02 I mean,
25:52 Speaker 02 I do, and, I mean, it's not been easy on any of us either.
25:56 Dr. John Delony? I know.
25:59 Dr. John Delony? And there's no way to, it sounds like there's no way to make sense of it.
26:03 Speaker 02 No.
26:07 Speaker 02 I mean, it, literally, we just started realizing, "Hey, she's not responding to any of our texts." And then
26:13 Dr. John Delony? I know, hold on, but listen to what you're doing. I want you to be very careful of what you're doing. You're gonna start replaying it over and over?
26:22 Dr. John Delony? And you're gonna make yourself insane.
26:25 Dr. John Delony? Because you're gonna start looking for things you might have said, things you might have done. What if I had done this? How about this?
26:33 Dr. John Delony? And most people try to find a rational solution to an irrational act.
26:43 Dr. John Delony? And one doesn't exist.
26:48 Dr. John Delony? It's easier to blame yourself, "I should have done this, I could have done this, what if dad had done that", than it is to exhale and say, "Somebody I love and care for made up a story about me and cut us off."
27:00 Dr. John Delony? Man.
27:03 Dr. John Delony? Just hurts.
27:08 Speaker 02 Would it be...
27:13 Speaker 02 I'm convinced that the only, like you said, the way back to a relationship, if there can be one, is respecting her and just leaving the trail and saying, you know...
27:22 Dr. John Delony? I think the greatest thing you could do for your dad is to say, "Dad, I know how, I can't even imagine how hard this is. If you have a daughter, you can speak to it, I know, but if you don't..."
27:32 Dr. John Delony? But it's saying, "I don't want to see my father go to jail."
27:37 Dr. John Delony? And right now, the greatest way you can love your daughter is to give her space.
27:45 Dr. John Delony? And the only hope is, and this sounds awful to say it this way, is that now that she's cut off what she thinks is the source of her misery, she's gonna find out that wherever she goes, she goes with her.
28:02 Dr. John Delony? And my hope is that she realizes in short order, "Oh, that wasn't the solution. Healing that was actually part of the answer."
28:12 Dr. John Delony? That's the hope.
28:15 Speaker 02 My dad is part of a faith community where Christians. Would it be, I've thought about just going and reaching out to one of his pastors.
28:27 Dr. John Delony? Call your dad.
28:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:29 Dr. John Delony? Call your dad.
28:29 Speaker 02 Okay.
28:30 Dr. John Delony? Or better yet, go visit him in person.
28:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:36 Dr. John Delony? And here, can I, can I give you some, some side wisdom here, just off to the side?
28:40 Speaker 02 Sure.
28:41 Dr. John Delony? It'd be very hard for you to hear.
28:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:45 Dr. John Delony? There are often secrets that even siblings don't know.
28:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:52 Dr. John Delony? And so what I would caution you on is fully creating another story. The truth is, you don't know.
29:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:00 Dr. John Delony? She's the oldest kid. You don't know what happened, what didn't happen, what was actually said, what was spirited. You don't know.
29:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:09 Dr. John Delony? What you do know of is your heartbreak. You know that you're sad. You know that your dad is heartbroken and your dad just got visited by the police saying, "Do not harass this other adult."
29:21 Dr. John Delony? It's a mess. It's a mess. My hope is your sister finds the peace that she's looking for.
29:29 Dr. John Delony? I hope she finds it back with you all, but I hope she finds peace and I hope that your dad is able to exhale through this. And if he has some skeletons in the closet, I hope he's honest and truth and forthrightful about him. And if he's not, I hope he rallies around you and your other siblings and finds some sort of peace, if you will, knowing that my daughter's out there and she won't have me. She won't talk to me. I just can't imagine that kind of pain.
29:57 Dr. John Delony? I love my daughter more than life itself. So I wish you guys peace, man. I wish you guys peace. Um, these things, here's my framework. Facts are your friends.
30:12 Dr. John Delony? We're going to choose reality here. We're going to do the next right thing and we're going to figure out what's the best way that I can love you through action, even if that means not calling you. And as a dad, I can tell you that'd be the hardest thing I can imagine doing is knowing my daughter's out there somewhere and I can't reach out to tell her I love her. That'd be a nightmare. Wish you guys the best, brother. Thanks for calling. When we come back, we talk to a young father who is at odds with his wife on whether to give his daughter ADHD medication. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, this time of year can be tough for all of us.
30:56 Dr. John Delony? So I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing?" And we ended up having a great conversation that was hard, but we also laughed a little bit too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy, reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations, that can feel hard too, but it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends at BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world.
31:38 Dr. John Delony? They've served over 5 million people globally and they have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.
32:19 Dr. John Delony? Alright, let's go to Dallas, Texas, home of the failing Cowboys. And, Robert, what's up, Robert?
32:27 Speaker 03 How you doing, sir?
32:28 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing alright, brother. What's going on with you?
32:32 Speaker 03 Pretty good. We're doing pretty good, but kind of my question is, so my seven-year-old daughter is very much ADHD.
32:39 Dr. John Delony? What does that mean? What does that mean?
32:42 Speaker 03 Oh, um, she has trouble concentrating in class some days and is pretty much, uh, at 300 miles an hour, uh, 26 hours of the day. She is always constantly going, but during school time, she has trouble with sitting, she wants to stand all the time, then she'll sit and be walking around the classroom. And so it does disrupt the classroom, uh, pretty regularly.
33:11 Dr. John Delony? Have you had her tested?
33:13 Speaker 03 We have had her tested. Um, we tested her at five and they were unable to complete the test because they, she couldn't concentrate long enough.
33:23 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
33:25 Speaker 03 Um.
33:26 Dr. John Delony? She's seven now?
33:28 Speaker 03 She's seven now.
33:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay, don't do anything until you get her reevaluated.
33:33 Speaker 03 Okay.
33:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, then here, my first flag is, not always, but often ADHD is expressed in young girls through a, what I would call a neutral shutting down.
33:46 Dr. John Delony? And she's expressing this in a way that's typical of young boys. That is, that is, all that comes in a bell curve of some sort. So that doesn't mean anything other than there may be something else going on here.
34:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, and she has, um, she does have a rare food allergy.
34:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
34:06 Speaker 03 That started at, uh, at birth.
34:09 Dr. John Delony? What's the allergy?
34:11 Speaker 03 It's called F-pies.
34:12 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
34:13 Speaker 03 Um, have you heard of that one?
34:15 Dr. John Delony? I have not. What is it?
34:17 Speaker 03 It is food protein induced endocytitis syndrome.
34:20 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
34:21 Speaker 03 Hers is actually the protein, the protein chains in the food. Um, that she's allergic to. Once it hits the gut, the gut thinks that she has an infection.
34:31 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
34:31 Speaker 03 And it can turn into septicus. And so she has had a lot of, I mean, her first nine months, we had, uh, almost eighty doctor appointments in the first nine months.
34:41 Dr. John Delony? Wow.
34:42 Speaker 03 So.
34:42 Dr. John Delony? Wow, wow, okay.
34:43 Speaker 03 Um, and then it dropped down to about sixty, um, for the next calendar year, basically. So it's been a very long struggle. First eighteen months were bottle feed only every two hours.
34:58 Dr. John Delony? Sixty appointments. That means they're going once or twice a week.
35:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, for her, um, she, she was not on the growth chart until she hit six months old. She hit, um, the growth, she hit one percent at, uh, six months old.
35:16 Dr. John Delony? So do you have like a care network liaison, a social worker, somebody that's leading the charge on? Because this, this sounds like a complex matrix of things from diet to nutrition to physical health.
35:29 Speaker 03 She does, yeah, she does actually have a specialist and we have gotten lucky at about, um, five years old, she has almost cleared all the foods that she was allergic to.
35:42 Dr. John Delony? Wonderful.
35:43 Speaker 03 Um, she's outgrown a lot, outgrown all of it. There's still a couple of them that we haven't tried, but they are minor foods that aren't really used all the time. So.
35:54 Dr. John Delony? So that's great news.
35:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, and she's, now she's ninety-seventh percentile in heightened weight.
36:00 Dr. John Delony? Wonderful. Great, great news, man. That's awesome. Um. I, I have a, a, an allergy is too light of, I have a, a rage inside of me. Let me put it that way.
36:15 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
36:15 Dr. John Delony? I get angry only because part of my job for twenty years was dealing with ADA five oh four kids with accommodations.
36:24 Speaker 03 Right.
36:25 Dr. John Delony? Who were somehow challenged in a traditional learning environment.
36:31 Dr. John Delony? And the folks that went through and got kids, um, the right testing, the right support that sometimes include pharmacological intervention. I'm not against medicine. I've taken anxiety medicine, saved my life. I'm not opposed to it. What I am opposed to is teachers, administrators, or parents looking at a cluster of symptoms, Googling it, self-diagnosing, and then chasing down some doctor somewhere and you'll find one that'll write you a script for it.
37:07 Speaker 03 Right. Yeah. And luckily we've been working with our pediatrician. And at two years old, um, we started having the conversation with our pediatrician about it because we're kind of seeing the signs then. And she said, hold off until she's five and then have her tested at five. But we also found out at five that she has, um, they called it primitive reflexes hadn't released.
37:34 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
37:34 Speaker 03 When she was five. And so she did two years of occupational therapy and she finally met all of her goals for that.
37:41 Dr. John Delony? Excellent. And so I, part of me wonders what two more years of occupational therapy would, would do. Part of me wonders is her outburst because she's in an unsafe classroom.
37:56 Dr. John Delony? Where kids are picking on her because she's a little bit different or the teacher doesn't know how to handle it. Part of me wonders if there's additional allergies that are expressing themselves in different ways as she gets old. Like, see what I'm saying? So there's a lot of questions I would have.
38:08 Speaker 03 Right.
38:09 Dr. John Delony? Before I just jump to, and let me also be compassionate.
38:14 Dr. John Delony? I have sat with these families, I've sat with kids K through five and I've sat with high school kids and I've sat with university students who, because they have behavioral outbursts in classrooms, they're ostracized socially and every day is just a failure factory.
38:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
38:35 Dr. John Delony? And I, I, I get how frustrating and hard it is to see your kid struggling so much all the time, man. I honor that and it's so much so. Um, I just want the right professionals to sit down with your kid and if this, if you're in a public school there in Dallas, then they've got to take care of the testing and
38:55 Speaker 03 Yeah. And our school does a great, absolutely great job with it.
39:00 Dr. John Delony? Awesome. Great. That makes my heart feel so big. Awesome.
39:03 Speaker 03 Um, cause we're also starting to look at, um, she's still a little bit young, but as we get past the, um, like in January, they're going to look at, cause there's also possible dyslexia too.
39:16 Dr. John Delony? Sure. You got it.
39:18 Speaker 03 And so, so we're, we, unfortunately we are, I would almost sit there and say we're sometimes too involved, but we stay on top of a lot of stuff.
39:27 Dr. John Delony? Sure. And, and man, it sounds like you've got a lot of hats to wear. Let me challenge you to do this. Find ways, and this is going to be with you and your wife, find ways every single day to make sure that you put both hands on your daughter's face and find one or two or three things to celebrate about her.
39:51 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
39:52 Speaker 03 Okay. Yep.
39:54 Dr. John Delony? Otherwise she's going to get a meta narrative that she is broken. And it could be that she's amazing. She just doesn't fit in a traditional structure.
40:06 Speaker 03 Right. And that's something that we have been battling with. Um, cause she does, she is extremely critical of herself and hard, hard on herself.
40:16 Dr. John Delony? And she's probably parroting what some of her classmates say about her frustrations, the adults in her life.
40:22 Speaker 03 Yes.
40:22 Dr. John Delony? Experience with her. And here's an example. I sat down with my daughter, uh, as a few years ago now, and I said, Hey, I need to have a very serious, almost grown up conversation. Can you do that? And she stood up big and tall and she's like, yes. What is it dad? And I said, you got mostly my brain. And she said, what do you mean? And I, and I laid it out. Cause I've got some challenges with OCD. I've got some challenges with ADHD. I've got some challenges and anxiety. I laid it out and I also said,
40:57 Dr. John Delony? So we have to pay extra attention to how big our feelings are. We have to pay extra attention to our actions and this makes us incredibly more than anybody else able to feel other people who are hurting. And so the world needs folks like us to go help.
41:17 Dr. John Delony? And that lit her up like a Christmas tree. And so you can do a quick chat GPT or a quick Google of entrepreneurs with dyslexia.
41:29 Dr. John Delony? You can do a quick chat GPT or whatever of people who are out there in the world making a difference who also have childhood and or adult ADHD. And what we want our kids to know is you've got some struggles in this traditional set of train tracks that all kids have to ride on, but also you have some superpowers.
41:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, and my wife actually started doing that at bedtime to where she'll pull up someone that has like she'd type in like famous people that have ADHD and like one of the persons was Albert Einstein. And so they kind of do like a little five minute video or audio thing just talking about Albert Einstein or other people. That's something that we just started doing.
42:15 Dr. John Delony? Very cool, but that has to be coupled with not other people. It has to be coupled with, because here's the thing, she's not Albert Einstein, right?
42:24 Speaker 03 Correct. She's smart, but not that level.
42:27 Dr. John Delony? But what can happen is if she's failing in traditional academics, even though she's really smart, and she's failing in social engagement because she just sees the world and experiences it either more heavy or more sped up or more slowed down. And then someone says, well, look, Albert Einstein has the same thing you have. And she realizes she's not Albert Einstein. It weirdly contributes to, oh, I'm not enough.
42:55 Speaker 03 Right. And luckily academically, she isn't struggling. Where she struggles is because the teacher will tell at one time and she completely understands it and now is bored.
43:08 Dr. John Delony? Of course, yeah.
43:09 Speaker 03 And so that's where we, that's where we struggle. It's more of the social engagement.
43:13 Dr. John Delony? Well, and that's where a lot of, especially young kids, I'm glad you said this.
43:19 Dr. John Delony? Sometimes what comes across as ADHD is kids are bored out of their minds.
43:26 Dr. John Delony? And sometimes some extra support, extra challenge. I know of young kids who get pulled out of a traditional class and they're taken into an enrichment class with art, or music, or creative writing, or solving intense math problems, right? But it can be a way to stimulate a kid who is just bored to death. All I have to say is this, here's the deal. It sounds like you and your wife are doing an amazing job staying on top of this. I don't want to go down any pharmacological route. I don't want to go get my kid medicine. Just not to sound like a nerd. I don't want to get my kid's medicine until I have met with a clinician who has done the testing and can sit with us and confirm. And then, even then, I might say, are there non-medical approaches?
44:10 Dr. John Delony? Are there non-pharmacological approaches to this? Are there some steps we can try to intervene with before we go here? And then if the physician says, hey, given the full context of your kid, if this was my child, and I always ask, I'll ask every doctor I have, what if this was you or your kid? If it was my child, this is what I would do for this period of time, and here's the protocol I would use. And if you don't have peace or trust the doctor, then I'd go get another one. But don't Google it. Don't go down YouTube for diagnostics and interventions. That's where we've all landed, is everybody's... nevermind, I don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Man, your daughter's so lucky to have you and your wife in her life, Robert.
44:55 Dr. John Delony? I'm grateful for you. Get that testing done before you make any next decisions, and then partner with a doctor and ask the question, if this was your child, what would the next move be? Get the academic testing done, get the ADHD testing done, and it could be any number of things going on, and I want to get a full picture before I start altering my child's chemistry. And if that's what's necessary, I'm all in. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.
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47:28 Dr. John Delony? Alright Kelly, am I the problem?
47:30 Speaker 04 Alright, so this is from Heather in Osceola, Indiana.
47:33 Dr. John Delony? By the way, cool camo shirt.
47:35 Speaker 04 Well, it's Camo Thursday here at the office and...
47:38 Dr. John Delony? Never heard of that before.
47:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, I have two pieces of camo and I just alternate weeks.
47:44 Dr. John Delony? I guess you're going as night Ben? Everyone would know I'm a poser if I did Camo Thursday. That's fair.
47:52 Speaker 04 We all think that anyway, but whatever.
47:54 Dr. John Delony? I thought you were shouting at us deer season opens on Saturday. I thought you were like, being one of the team.
47:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's it.
48:02 Speaker 04 Like, it's black camo. What world? I don't even know where this is. Like, I'm camo at a goth club or what?
48:07 Dr. John Delony? No, if you're night woods hunting, duh.
48:10 Speaker 04 Oh, that.
48:11 Dr. John Delony? I don't know.
48:11 Speaker 04 Yeah, no. Anywho, Heather from Osceola, Indiana writes, "My husband and I have been together for 15 years. My house being clean is my happy place. We've had multiple discussions about him respecting that and helping keep the house clean. I've given up on him helping around the house. I'm just asking for him not to contribute to the mess at this point. We already have six and four-year-old boys. Yet I constantly find his shoes next to the shoe place at the door and his clothes next to the hamper in our bedroom and all of his stuff dumped all over where he drops it." These are just a few examples. "When I bring up how upset it makes me, he says he doesn't even think about it. Is that even possible?
48:55 Speaker 04 After 15 years of me complaining about the same behavior, why does he still do this? Or does he just not care enough about my feelings and he needs to put in the effort? Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house?"
49:09 Dr. John Delony? Yes, it's your problem. I'm just kidding, it's not. Kelly gave me a mean, her camo Kelly look.
49:19 Dr. John Delony? I read that last sentence again, because I think this is the problem with that email.
49:25 Speaker 04 Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house?
49:30 Dr. John Delony? That's the problem. You have identified this in the same breath of oxygen, food, and water. This isn't a need. This is a thing that you really want.
49:42 Dr. John Delony? And it's, there's something underneath this, which is, this is how I feel with a clean house. This is what a clean house means to me. And it's getting to that conversation. To answer the question, absolutely, this is a problem I have. I'll walk through a house. I won't see it. It won't, it wouldn't even occur to me that there's stuff laying there on the floor. Until there's a ton of it, and then I see it everywhere, and then I freak out, and I, so yes, he can walk through the house. And it could be that he is, drives up to the house, and he's like, put your phone away and go love your wife. Put your phone away and go love your wife. Go love and be present with the kids. Those boys have been running, running her ragged. I'm gonna go be with those boys. And he kicks his shoes off real fast and goes to do the thing that he think, right?
50:24 Dr. John Delony? So I guess what I would say is, A, he needs to suck it up and be a grown man and clean up after himself. It's ridiculous. And there is a sense of compassion. Y'all are talking past each other right now. And so getting to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. He can't say, I just don't see it. Okay, well, now I'm telling you, you gotta figure out a way to see it. Okay? I've been there. And when you throw around the word need,
50:53 Dr. John Delony? man, that's, that creates unnecessary burden around this conversation. I want a clean house. It means something to me. And it may be, I want it so much that I'm gonna do a little extra work. I'm asking you not to, not to actively destroy it. That's a fair request. You're not the problem. And he needs to be a grown man that loves his wife, right? So it's both and in this situation, but I think clearing this, here's what I promise you, Kelly. There's more to this story. There's other things he's not attentive to. And there's other things that she wishes, or she says, I need you to, and I need you to, and I need you to, that need to be addressed here. Um, that's just the truth of it. But for 15 years, brother needs to get over himself and participate in his household. That's the other side of that.
51:39 Speaker 04 Um, I, we deal with this at our house because I am.
51:42 Dr. John Delony? A drill sergeant.
51:43 Speaker 04 A bit of an eat freak. And my husband is more like you. He likes things out and on display.
51:49 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
51:50 Speaker 04 Um, and it wasn't until I finally told him, because I did that for years. Instead of saying why, it was just I griped about it. Pick up your stuff, pick up your stuff. Don't do that, don't do that. And until I finally explained, I feel unsettled. And I don't feel like I can relax in my own home when things are a mess. And then he was like, oh, I don't, he didn't want to make me feel unsettled and, and wanted me to be able to relax in our home because that benefits him if I'm more relaxed. And then he started.
52:22 Dr. John Delony? It benefits all of us.
52:24 Speaker 04 Yes, it does. Um, but he started making changes in the way he did things. And I have certain areas of the house, I know that y'all do too, where I don't complain about his office.
52:33 Dr. John Delony? Yes.
52:33 Speaker 04 As long as the door can shut, I don't complain. And I go in there and I break out in hives.
52:39 Dr. John Delony? Yes.
52:39 Speaker 04 But I don't go in there. And, but that idea, I had to finally tell him what it made me feel. And how unsettled it made me feel. And, and I knew that some of that came from my mother, like you didn't leave a dish in the sink at all. And I've relaxed on a lot of that, but he knew that that caused some emotions in me when things weren't put away. And so, you know, we had to come to some compromise, but yeah, instead of just griping about it, letting him know how it made me feel and how he could help me feel more comfortable in our own home, helped a lot.
53:14 Dr. John Delony? And I'll tell you on the other side of this equation, a note that I used to have in my car all the time, a note they used to have by my bed was the phrase, "Don't forget to remember." And what I meant by that is I would get out of my car and I, I wouldn't even see the trash or the, or the cups. I'd just get out of the car and run into the house because I'm on to the next thing. And I would see this little note that said, "Don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a clean car." And I would stop and I'd literally look around like, oh man, there's three cups in here and some trash and my bag and whatever. And I would put that by the corner of my bed. Don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a bed at night with the bed is when the bed is made and your nightstand doesn't have 75 books piled up all over it. And so that phrase, don't forget to remember was the key for me to change being on time.
53:59 Dr. John Delony? I don't do that here, but at my house and keeping stuff picked up and it just helped me walk into a space and be able to see all that stuff. Otherwise, I just get lost in my head and the next fun thing I'm on to and or the next crazy adventure I'm on to and I just miss it. So there you go. Thank you so, so much for being in our being on the show, in the show, with the show. And Kelly, thanks for hiding your, uh, the top half from us. Except for just like two floating half arms in there. It's terrifying. Terrifying. I just felt you flipped me off in your, in your mind. I felt it. It burns, Kelly. It burns.
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