Pods We Love: Happier with Gretchen Rubin

Sharing an episode today from our friend Gretchen Rubin's podcast, Happier https://gretchenrubin.com/podcasts/. Gretchen and her sister Elizabeth Craft discuss the idea of the "familect" and why it might be fun to create a dictionary for our own familect. They also talk about a hack that makes it easier to use a smartphone, and they share dozens of listeners' thought-provoking "Secrets of Adulthood." Get ready for another Meditation Party at Omega Institute! This in-person workshop brings together Dan with his friends and meditation teachers, Sebene Selassie, Jeff Warren, and for the first time, Ofosu Jones-Quartey. The event runs October 24th-26th. Sign up and learn more here http://eomega.org/workshops/meditation-party-2025! Join Dan's online community here http://www.danharris.com/ Follow Dan on social: Instagram https://bit.ly/3tGigG5, TikTok https://bit.ly/3FOA84J Subscribe to our YouTube Channel https://bit.ly/3FybRzD To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://advertising.libsyn.com/10HappierwithDanHarris

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:04Dan Harris?

  This is the 10% Happier Podcast. I'm Dan Harris.

• 0:19Dan Harris?

  Hey, hey, happy Sunday. Today, we're sharing an episode of a podcast that my team and I love from a person who I have known for a long time and really admire and respect and love, and it's Gretchen Rubin. She's got a show called Happier. She's a very successful author. She's written books, including The Happiness Project, and Secrets of Adulthood, and Better Than Before, all of them bestsellers. She's also got a Substack, and you should check her out there. And like I said, she's got a podcast. It's a weekly podcast with her sister, Elizabeth Kraft, who's a TV writer in Hollywood. As I mentioned, it's called Happier. Today, we're going to share an episode of Happier with you here. On this episode, you're going to hear Elizabeth and Gretchen talk about the idea of the famelec,

• 1:04Dan Harris?

  or family dialect, words and phrases that are only used within your family. They also have some ideas for how to organize apps on your phone, and they share some secrets of adulthood from listeners. Secrets of adulthood are basically aphorisms, or little missiles of wisdom that you can surface in your mind just when you need them. As you'll hear, Gretchen's show is super practical, super fun. You should listen to this, and then go subscribe and listen to all of her stuff. Before we dive in with Gretchen and Elizabeth, I just want to remind you that we're now offering bespoke, custom meditations with all of our Monday, Wednesday episodes here on the podcast. We're going to be doing this indefinitely as part of our regular programming.

• 1:45Dan Harris?

  Every month, we're going to choose a teacher of the month who will create a batch of meditations, and they will drop all of those meditations in conjunction with our episodes. These meditations are only available to paying subscribers over at danharris.com, so sign up today, and you'll get a fresh meditation in your feed tomorrow for the Monday episode. Also, if you're a paying subscriber, over at danharris.com, you can join me for live meditations and Q&A sessions. We have one coming up this Thursday, August 14th, at 4 o'clock Eastern. Sign up, danharris.com. Join the party. Okay, enough out of me. Coming up, it's Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

• 2:21Speaker 01

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• 3:27Speaker 03

  Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about strategies and solutions for building more happiness into our everyday lives. This week, we'll talk about why it's fun to write a collection of your own family famelect, and we share many excellent secrets of adulthood from listeners. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness. Good to have is secrets of adulthood, human nature. I'm in my little home office here in New York City. And joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister Elizabeth Kraft. And Elizabeth, you are full of secrets of adulthood.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer living in LA. And Gretchen, I have to tell you, I've been suggesting to everyone that they get your book Secrets of Adulthood for graduation gifts and Father's Dan gifts.

• 4:11Speaker 03

  Oh, what a good sister. Thank you. But before we jump in, a few updates.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  Nicole says, "I wanted to share that Eleanor's advice about command hooks and strips has really been amazing for me. Her advice to use command hooks makes me laugh because I'm 36, own a home, and have three kids." I'm a full fledged adult and I just loved how Eleanor's dorm advice has struck a chord with me. I've always had analysis paralysis when it comes to decorating my home. For some reason, hanging art has felt too permanent. I remember Elizabeth mentioning the same thing. My walls have been bare and we moved into our home three years ago. Now I'm using command strips to hang art. This has helped me get over the fear of the art having a permanent

• 4:58Speaker 04

  spot on the wall. I feel better that I can easily move it if and when I change my mind about it in the future. Realistically, I probably will never move it, but I like knowing I could if I wanted to.

• 5:10Speaker 03

  I love this example of like how there's maybe an easy solution for something that feels like a really perplexing problem. It is often that you just feel like I'll do nothing because I really don't want to make a mistake.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  And this allows you to say like, now the stakes are very low.

• 5:27Speaker 04

  Yes, yes. Very true.

• 5:29Speaker 03

  Love that. Love command hooks. They are magic. Tish writes, I just listened to the exceptional advantage episode. This is where we talked about asking yourself, well, what is an exceptional advantage that you have in your life, or your circumstances, or your personality? And I headed right over to Lake Michigan, which is a six minute drive from my home. The proximity to the lake is my favorite thing about our town. I always say I never want to live any further from the water than I am now, but I still don't go on any regular basis, except for the month of August, when I go every day. I now resolve to drive by every time I am out in the car, as it takes so little time to stop for a view. My goal is a five minute sit on a bench to start with, which easily fits into most

• 6:10Speaker 03

  days. The first bench I headed to had a shiny penny under it. Always a good sign. Thank you for waking me up to my exceptional advantage.

• 6:18Speaker 04

  I love that. It's like you with the Met, Gratch.

• 6:21Speaker 03

  Exactly. Right. You have this resource. You feel very lucky to have it, but you really have to take advantage of it if it's your exceptional advantage. And this came from a listener about my mispronunciation, because I was talking about my summer of blank. I've had my summer of Proust, my summer of Virginia Woolf, my summer of rereading, and this was going to be my summer of Sundoku, but I should have said sundoku. Tammy wrote, since it might come up a lot if this is going to be a summer of sundoku, the first syllable doesn't rhyme with sun. It rhymes with soon. There's no sun sound in Japanese, the way we pronounce that word in English. Just think of it as sudoku with an N and you'll come pretty close. So sundoku. Thank you, Tammy.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  And Gretchen, I am excited because you have an announcement. I have to officially welcome you to the world of Substack, my favorite new world.

• 7:13Speaker 03

  I know, Elizabeth, and you've got your whole thing about anytime you can, you sort of, what is it you push a button and you say, please join me, sign up for our Substack.

• 7:20Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 7:21Speaker 03

  Well, sign up for my Substack. I have started a new project on Substack, partly inspired by you, Elizabeth, and it is called Secrets of Adulthood. I am so excited for this new project. This is where I am going to share reflections and teaching stories related to happiness, good habits, human nature, self-knowledge. As I often say, for my whole life, I've been collecting aphorisms and proverbs and fables, parables, paradoxes, Koans, all kinds of teaching stories. And so this project is a way to share my writings on this, to write them myself originally or to comment on other ones that I know. I'll also be having a series of live conversations with other writers and thinkers about their own secrets of adulthood.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  So if you want to learn more or if you want to subscribe, just search for Gretchen Rubin or Secrets of Adulthood in Substack, or if you want to go straight to it, it's secretsofadulthood.substack.com. But you can just search. But I'm really excited, Elizabeth, it's so fun.

• 8:17Speaker 04

  Yes, I love it. And you know, a lot of people still aren't aware of Substack.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  But it's really just a place that has newsletters, it has a feed where you can comment, there's chat. It's got a lot of great stuff and it's really not intimidating. I think it sounds intimidating to people, but it really shouldn't.

• 8:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  And while you're there subscribing to Secrets of Adulthood, also subscribe to Happier in Hollywood for our free weekly newsletter. There, I said it.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  Now we need to get matching mugs. I was gonna get you a mug, now we need matching mugs.

• 8:53Speaker 04

  Yes, exactly.

• 8:55Speaker 03

  So this week, our tried this at home suggestion is to write a collection of your familect.

• 9:00Speaker 04

  Okay, I love this word. Describe what it means.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  Okay, a familect, also called a marriage language, is a set of invented words or phrases with meanings understood within members of a family or other small intimate group. And this was inspired by a note from our listener, Robyn, who was writing about her favorite words, because her favorite words are family words. Here's what she said.

• 9:25Speaker 04

  Several years ago, I became acquainted with the idea of a familect, which is essentially the unique language your family communicates with. And I love the idea so much. I started keeping a familect dictionary and it brings me so much joy to think about the quirky and whimsical things we say to our nearest and dearest that other people might find nonsensical or crazy. A few examples: sissy, a little unexpected present; lalashy, delicious; him and hoot, swimming suit; make 'em up, makeup; foo-foo juice, deodorant. You get the idea. Anyhow, just keeping these on a little list on my phone

• 10:07Speaker 04

  brings me a lot of joy every time I think of a new one to add. That's so fun.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  It's so fun. And listening to her list, like, a lot of times, the way that words enter the familect is because a child cannot pronounce a word properly and then the whole family, or a child says something funny and then everybody just picks up on it. I remember when Eleanor was really little, she said, "Please pass the pajamas", when she meant, "Please pass the Parmesan." And for a while, we called Parmesan pajamas. Now, that's fallen out of our usage. I just kind of remember it. So this is one of the reasons it would be fun to make a list of it, because sometimes they come in, but then they fade out again. And it is really fun to remember them. They really are kind of a timestamp. And it's fun to have your own secret language within a family.

• 10:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, so what are some other ones that you have, Gratch?

• 10:53Speaker 03

  Well, Elizabeth, can you remember why I might say this? Because this goes way back to the dawn of time. Sometimes when I like food is ready or like it's time for dinner, I'll say this way to the cat fud. Do you know what I'm referring to?

• 11:07Speaker 04

  Totally. Gary Larson Far Side cartoon.

• 11:10Speaker 03

  There's a hilarious cartoon of a of a dog trying to like entrap a cat. So it says this way to the cat fud, but it's been misspelled because the dog. But anyway, it's funnier than it sounds from the description, but I that's just stuck in my mind. Another thing that I always say. So when I was little, I used to read Cricket magazine, which are these very literary magazines for children. I still have them all. They are super precious to me. I probably have practically memorized them. But at the bottom of it, kind of to have like a running little comic strip, but also to explain unfamiliar words or concepts to children. So it sort of was like footnotes as well. Were these little creatures. There'd be a ladybug and a cricket and all these sort of insects that were because the name of the magazine was Cricket and they would all be talking to each other. But they would always

• 11:53Speaker 03

  say every buggy instead of everybody. And so I will often say like, where is every buggy? Nobody else in my family says it, but I say that all the time. But here's something funny also. And you know, sometimes you say things without realizing it. And so it's sort of part of your family like and you're not even conscious of it. So I realized with Taffy, it's calling out in me some of the behaviors that I have as a parent of a new baby.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 12:15Speaker 03

  And I realized I had forgotten that I did this. The minute I said it, I was like, oh, I did this with Barnaby. I did this with Liza. I did this with Eleanor. When I go to get them up out of their crib or their carrier with Taffy, I say, well, is there a little girl in here who wants to get up? The minute it came out of my mouth, I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is the thing that I said so many times. But then, of course, when you're not doing that anymore, it fades away. So Taffy brought that back to my mind. So I will write that down in our family act. How about you, Elizabeth? What have you got?

• 12:45Speaker 04

  Gretchen, I am not whimsical in that way. I wish I were. I feel like we don't really collect these. I will say Adam and Jack have pointed out that I always say at the ready, like, do we have the keys at the ready? We want to have a sandwich at the ready.

• 13:02Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 13:03Speaker 04

  But I don't have like, made up words.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  That's interesting.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  Part maybe partly because with an only child, you don't have the siblings kind of. A lot of times it comes, it seems like from the younger sibling not being able to pronounce the older sibling's name, things like that. I don't know.

• 13:22Speaker 03

  That's interesting. Yeah, well, like Eleanor, her nickname in our family is Enno. And everybody calls her Enno sort of from time to time. Or like if they're typing, they'll use Enno instead of Eleanor. And that was because when Eleanor was little, she couldn't say her own name. She would say Enno. That was her name for herself. Well, it's interesting. It probably is the case that some families are really much more prone to this than others. Probably depending on their level of whimsy and like how many mispronunciations come up, but also a family that can include phrases that have meanings. And it's interesting. I was just, I'm reading this very delightful memoir called Look Back With Love by Dodie Smith. And Dodie Smith, if you've ever read I Capture the Castle, which is like this towering classic, super fun read. She wrote that and she also kind of strangely also wrote 101 Dalmatians.

• 14:07Speaker 03

  So it's kind of an odd mix of things. But anyway, Look Back With Love is this just super charming, sweet memoir of her absolutely delightful childhood. Where she was surrounded, but she was an only child and she was just surrounded by adoring, an adoring mother and aunts and uncles and grandparents and neighbors. And anyway, it's very funny. But one of the things she often talks about is the familect and how certain phrases, like there would be some funny story or something funny would happen and then it would become a catchphrase from then on. So for instance, she, she said that one of her uncles was always chasing and teasing the landlady's cat. And the landlady would wail, don't touch a tail, don't touch a tail. And that became the family synonym for like leave well enough alone.

• 14:51Speaker 03

  Or she says that when she was really little, she had a neighbor who was six years older, who would play with her all the time. But she would also just, because she was so much bigger, every once in a while she would just pick up Dodie Smith and hoist her around, which she did not enjoy. And she would yell, you can't have me, Muriel. And that became a family saying too. And again, these are phrases that come into the familect and that have special meaning within your group.

• 15:13Speaker 04

  Well, I want to try to start a familect because I love this idea. It's very sweet.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  Well, and I think it could also happen at work. Somebody said something like super preposterous at a meeting and then it becomes kind of a catchphrase.

• 15:24Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  Or people have some funny name for some project that you have to do that nobody likes or I don't know, you know, it's part of, and you know, we also, we often talk about like, how do you increase the feelings of closeness? And this is a way, having kind of a secret language, it's like having a nickname. It's like having nicknames for things that are not people. So it is really fun. And I think that making a collection of it, we often talk about easy ways to hold on to memories, how to be a storehouse of family lore. And this is the kind of thing that could be really, really fun to keep a running list. And over the years, it could be very satisfying to reflect back on it. It would be a time capsule of your family life or your work life or whatever group.

• 16:05Speaker 04

  And looking at it would bring back this very specific memory that you might forget, like waking up the girls before school, just saying that brings back those memories. So I love this.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  Or please pass the pajamas, right?

• 16:18Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Absolutely. Well, let us know if you do try this at home and how making a collection of your own famelec works for you. I have to say, Alyssa, I'm not 100% confident that we use the word properly every single time. So anyway, you get the point. Instagram, threads, Facebook, Tik Tok, drop us an email at podcast gretchenrubin.com or as always, go to the show notes, go to happiercast.com/537 for everything related to this episode.

• 16:43Speaker 04

  Coming up, we've got a tech organizing hack, but first this break.

• 16:58Speaker 04

  All right, Gretchen, we are back with this week's happiness hack.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  This is something that I just did and it's really making my life just feel that much smoother and quicker and more convenient, even though it's a matter of milliseconds. Now, we have talked many times about the value of deleting a soul sucking app.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Or if there's an app that you really need to keep, but you want to use it less, you like move it late into your swiping so that you have to swipe, swipe, swipe, or you put it in a folder so you have to click, click. You want to make it inconvenient and put it out of reach. But this is to organize your apps. And I've heard of people organizing their apps by color, which is very next level. But I just realized that a lot of the apps that I use most regularly were like on the third screen. And some apps that I hardly ever used were on the home screen. And I thought, why don't I just take 30 seconds and just move things around and put like next to like. I had two folders that had travel apps. It's like, we'll put those together. So it's like the travel section. And it works really well. And by organizing

• 18:01Speaker 03

  them, you can make it more convenient to do the things you want to do. Like, let's say you want to encourage yourself to read more, you could put your e-reader or your library app where you listen to audiobooks that you've checked out from the library. You could put that on the home screen so that you just, it's very easy and you have the visual reminder. And then like, if you don't want to check social media as much, you move that later. So it's just further away.

• 18:23Speaker 04

  This is smart. I should absolutely do this. My apps are not organized at all. And even though I use the same ones all the time, I'm always hunting for them. So I love this idea. Like, for instance, my Libby app, which I use all the time.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:37Speaker 04

  Is like in my fourth screen. I should definitely have it on the home screen. Next to podcasts, next to audible.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  Right, exactly. That's like your audio entertainment.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  You say, how long does it take? Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. But it's these little things that somehow just feel like a little bit of grit. And then when it's just right there, life just feels easier.

• 18:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 18:58Speaker 03

  And I realized that mine were extremely haphazard. So anyway, it's a small thing, but I get a lot of satisfaction out of it.

• 19:04Speaker 04

  Oh, yay.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  And now for secrets of adulthood. So in episode 523, our try this at home suggestion was to share one of your own secrets of adulthood. We've had so many great listeners' suggestions of their secrets of adulthood. And there's kind of a mix. Some of these are proverbs or pieces of folk wisdom. That people said, well, here's a piece of secrets of adulthood. It's not that they wrote it, but it's something that they find really useful. And then some are original. So these are the listeners own secrets of adulthood. So there's kind of a mishmash of these, but they're all useful. And it was so fun to read all the ones that people sent.

• 19:38Speaker 04

  Yes. Lanky's library on Instagram said, the people who do it are the people who do it.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  Hmm, that's worth thinking about. Mrs. Roberts had three. Nothing good happens after midnight. Something is better than nothing. And go slow to go fast. I often remind myself, go slow to go fast, because it's when I'm, it's when I'm hurrying that I do things like spill an entire cup of coffee on my keyboard, et cetera.

• 20:07Speaker 04

  Yep. Melanie said, if you have to do something every day or regularly, find a way to enjoy it.

• 20:14Speaker 03

  Good advice. SeeBruce1508 says, not my circus, not my monkeys. I love this phrase for so many situations. Yeah, I believe this is a Polish proverb, a great proverb.

• 20:25Speaker 04

  Malin said, just because things could have been different, doesn't mean they'd be better. Very true.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  Reassuring. Yeah. Michelle said, I never feel like doing the spin bike, never. Usually I'm glad halfway through and definitely after.

• 20:41Speaker 04

  We all relate to that. Irene said, the anxious bunny survives.

• 20:47Speaker 03

  Huh, okay. Liz says, our family motto is always carry a book and a sweater.

• 20:53Speaker 04

  Amanda said, always ride the carousel.

• 20:56Speaker 03

  Ah, Laura, don't attend every argument you're invited to.

• 21:00Speaker 04

  Hmm. Jennifer said, always take the high road. There's less traffic there. That's funny.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  Lucky says, everything in moderation. And to that I would say, do nothing in excess, even moderation.

• 21:15Speaker 04

  Miranda says, it's rarely worth correcting someone.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  I have to keep that in mind for sure. Kim says, it's worth it to spend the money for good tires and good insurance.

• 21:25Speaker 04

  Jen said, adults pretend they know what they are doing and no one notices most of the time.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Nana says, follow a routine, not your mood.

• 21:36Speaker 04

  Suzy said, "Always check for toilet paper before you sit down." This is a metaphor and also not.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Christine says, "The cheapest car is the one you own."

• 21:49Speaker 04

  Leslie said, "Do it right, right now."

• 21:52Speaker 03

  Hmm, fun. Galson says, "Sleep begets sleep." I remember this from having little kids. You think they might sleep better if they skip their nap? No, sleep begets sleep. Kate says, Kate has several. She says, "It's always better in the morning after a good night's rest. You are the lead role in your own movie. Everyone else is starring in their own. When you worry about something that hasn't happened, you worry twice. And finally, the laundry will never, ever be done."

• 22:22Speaker 04

  Liz said, "I tell my students, 'The secret to life is to practice something you want to get good at.'"

• 22:29Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 22:30Speaker 04

  Very true.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  Kate says, "Sometimes you make the right decision. Sometimes you must make the decision right." Yep.

• 22:37Speaker 04

  Catherine said, "The more I have to do, the more I get done."

• 22:41Speaker 03

  That's a good self-knowledge assertion. Marlene said, "Everything is a lesson." I tell myself this message multiple times a day.

• 22:49Speaker 04

  Sometimes the lesson we don't want to learn.

• 22:51Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:52Speaker 04

  Lindsay said, "My motto has always been, 'Life is best lived on simple pleasures,' so I have full freedom to throw myself into enjoying little treats, getting excited when I get to pet a new dog, gasping at an impactful sunrise, or singing loudly in the car."

• 23:09Speaker 03

  Well, and related, Brandy says, "I never let my lack of ability inhibit my enthusiasm. I have a terrible singing voice, but I love music, so I sing. I sing every single song I know, regardless of the note or tune. If we only do the things we are good at, we will do very little. If we do the things we enjoy, we will enjoy a lot."

• 23:28Speaker 04

  Leanne said, "Gemo, G-E-M-O. Good enough, move on." Goes along with the Voltaire quote, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good," which, Gretch, you say all the time.

• 23:41Speaker 03

  All the time. I love Gemo. Bailey says, "It might be a little silly, but what I've learned in my Years of horseback riding, don't squat with spurs on. Okay.

• 23:50Speaker 04

  Tiffany says, be kind to your future self. Yes, we always say, think of your future self.

• 23:56Speaker 03

  Janet said, the saying from Jonathan Winters, if your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it. This quote made me join a dating service in 1994. I met my husband and we were married in 1995. Thirty years married now. Aw.

• 24:11Speaker 04

  Congrats. Catherine said, two of my favorites. It's easier to keep up than catch up.

• 24:17Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  That is very true when hiking.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  And then, better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

• 24:25Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. I've heard you say that one, Alyssa.

• 24:27Speaker 04

  I say, I'd rather be looking at it than looking for it.

• 24:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:31Speaker 04

  From a fellow writer who says that.

• 24:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, which is a good example of how many aphorisms and secrets of adulthood are, the same idea is expressed, the same like core idea is expressed in different words, but that's part of the fun. Arain has several. Once the text or email takes up the whole screen, it's best to speak directly. Oh yeah, we've all done that. Be prepared, even if you don't know exactly what you're preparing for. There are very few true emergencies. Most situations can benefit from a pause to consider your response. You don't need to have an opinion about everything. And one my physician shared with me in my daughter's early weeks, stay calm. Okay, Alyssa, who does that remind you of?

• 25:13Speaker 04

  Our mother. She always says that, stay calm.

• 25:16Speaker 03

  Stay calm.

• 25:17Speaker 04

  Karen says, from Maya Angelou, do the best you can till you know better, then do better. It stops a lot of regrets of the if I knew then, what I know now variety.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  Kelly writes, people show you how they like to be treated by how they treat you. Say someone you love always buys you experienced days rather than actual gifts. It's likely that that's their idea of a gift. This reminds me of the five love languages, because that's one of the clues that you can have about what someone else's love language is. Because you look at what they do, because that's probably what they value.

• 25:49Speaker 04

  Yes. Patty says, mine of my husband's is a nightcap is always a bad idea. And you can control the choice you make, but not the consequence of that choice.

• 26:01Speaker 03

  Very true. Brian writes, my mom has a few that make me laugh. Look with your eyes, not with your mouth. And once you stop, that's it. She'd say the first one, we asked where something was instead of actually looking. And the second about getting through the day. If she sat down, she might not get back up. So she just kept moving. Just get started and keep going.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  Carmen says, I have two that come to mind. One, you never regret reading the manual. And two, you don't need to feel bad about things you don't need to feel bad about. Helps me with regrets about making choices or not doing something perfectly.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  Jennifer writes, don't ruin an apology with an excuse.

• 26:43Speaker 04

  That's one to take to heart. Barbie says, this isn't phrased as an aphorism or secret of adulthood, but something I frequently ask myself when I'm putting time and energy into doing something and wonder why, I ask myself, whose rule is this anyway? Am I doing something because my father, mother, boss, husband, neighbor always did it? And so I do it too? Did I start a practice that seemed useful at the time and now isn't useful, but I continue anyway?

• 27:11Speaker 03

  Well, this sounds like a question, and that's a good reminder for all of us of like the value of questioning, like, why are we doing this anyway?

• 27:17Speaker 04

  All right, coming up, we have more secrets of adulthood from listeners. But first, this break.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  And now we are back with more secrets of adulthood from listeners. Katie writes, I love this idea and I cannot wait to read this book. My secret of adulthood is that nobody cares. This sounds harsh, but it's true. It allows you to make decisions without hemming and hawing about what people think, because generally, they don't care. This started off as a joke in my family, but it's become a reality. It's easy to get offended when you first hear it, but it's really not offensive. Nobody cares. So it sounds like this is part of her family act.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  Yes. Leah says, I've started a new secrets of adulthood note on the journal app on my phone. Thanks for this great idea. Here are two of mine. It's far better to over communicate than to under communicate. And there is no peace without dialogue.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  Hmm. Presley writes, living alone is highly valued in this country, but I find it leads to isolation and disconnectedness. I'm a mental health therapist and often encourage my clients to consider living with other people as a way of helping with anxiety and depression. Hmm, thought provoking.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  And finally, Naomi says, my secret of adulthood is the anticipation is often worse than the actuality. I have found this realization has helped me be able to go into new territories with less hesitation and with a more open mind.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  I love that. Well, these were so great. I feel like I could just read these forever. I love a secret of adulthood.

• 29:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 29:00Speaker 03

  Clearly.

• 29:01Speaker 04

  And now Gretchen, it's time for demerits and gold stars. And you are up this week with a happiness demerit.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  This is a repeat to merit, but I think I have learned my lesson. Okay, so we have our puppy Taffy, who we love. But you know, there's a lot of things about training her to go outside, not to bark, not to nip, to help her and Barnaby get along well, all these things. And I, in my very upholder way, can like get very up in my head about these are the rules. This is the right way to do it. Don't do it this way, do it that way. And Jamie was just said again, hey, you're criticizing my dog care and it's really annoying me. And Jamie doesn't that often come out and say like, you are really driving me bonkers. And so I was like, okay, and I said, I've got it. There is no one right way. We are not going to ruin this dog.

• 29:51Speaker 03

  She's a wonderful, wonderful dog. She's sort of getting a grip on the situation and we're starting to understand her. But I definitely was criticizing a lot of the things he was doing and he did not appreciate it. So anyway, to merit to me, I want to rein it back.

• 30:07Speaker 04

  All right.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  It's stressful having a dog, you know, and I think that's Part of how I do my stress is like trying to super control everything.

• 30:14Speaker 04

  All right, Gretchen. Well, hopefully that will turn into a gold star for how well you're handling Jamie's dog care in the future.

• 30:21Speaker 03

  Ashley, you gave me a gold star for this. And I was like, I don't know that that would be a universal gold star, but maybe I will aspire to that gold star. But Elizabeth, in the meantime, what is your gold star?

• 30:30Speaker 04

  All right. Well, Gretchen, our listeners often write in that we should give ourselves more gold stars, that we give ourselves demerits, but we always give our gold stars to other people. So I am giving myself a gold star this week.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  Good.

• 30:46Speaker 04

  Giving myself, yeah, why not?

• 30:49Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 30:49Speaker 04

  I'm giving myself a gold star for just keeping my hustle going in Hollywood.

• 30:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 04

  My writing partner Sarah and I are really putting pedal to the metal and going for it. We've just decided to do everything. We're working on weekends now we didn't use to. So giving myself a gold star for that, Gretchen.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, you are keeping the hustle. And the way your job is, you have to have so many projects going simultaneously. And that is in itself challenging. You have multiple projects in multiple stages and they each have separate teams that are working on them. Like, it's a lot to manage. Yes, I heap gold stars on you for keeping the hustle. I like that phrase, you're keeping the hustle.

• 31:34Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  And the resource for this week, we mentioned it up top, and here it comes at you again. If you are interested in learning more about my new Substack, Secrets of Adulthood, or you want to subscribe, go ahead and subscribe. You can go to secretsofadulthood.substack.com or really you can just search Substack and Gretchen Rubin, you know, in Substack, and you will find me there. It is so fun. I'm really excited to be doing this project. So, Elizabeth, what are we reading? What are you reading?

• 32:00Speaker 04

  I am still reading All the Way to the River by Elizabeth Gilbert.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  And I am reading Modern Friendship by Anna Goldbard. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Make a collection of your own, famalect. Let us know if you tried it and how it worked for you.

• 32:17Speaker 04

  Thank you to our executive producer Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Here's your rhyming reminder. If you love the show, please leave a review to let us know. We really do appreciate it.

• 32:27Speaker 04

  Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Kraft.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us.

• 32:31Speaker 04

  Onward and upward.

• 32:44Speaker 03

  Elizabeth, I was trying to think of our famalect growing up and I couldn't really think of funny words we had for anything.

• 32:51Speaker 04

  Not funny words. I was trying to remember what Dad always said when we arrived home from a trip. He had something he always said.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  I guess there was some old television show from when he was young where there would be, "And as we bid farewell to the towering cliffs of Dover."

• 33:07Speaker 04

  That's it. "As we bid farewell."

• 33:10Speaker 03

  He always said in this TV announcer way. It was clearly an allusion to something that we never actually saw, but it was an allusion to something he knew. But it was, it was like a tradition that he would, yeah, "As we bid farewell." Yes.

• 33:22Speaker 04

  And you know what? I think I do say that now that I think of it when we, Jack and Adam and I leave someplace. I think it's, I'll say, "As we bid a fond farewell to La Quinta."

• 33:32Speaker 03

  I think I say it too. We should go back to our voice memos from the hiking trip. I think we might have said it there.

• 33:40Speaker 04

  Oh, funny.