DLK: In our relationship, her dog comes first. Now I'm having doubts about us

That uncertainty you might feel in romantic relationships is common — and not always a bad thing, say Haley Nahman, writer of the Maybe Baby newsletter and Danny Nelson, co-host of the Dear Danny podcast series. In this episode of Life Kit, they weigh in on pet jealousy, whether it's OK to make a move on a friend, and questionable future in-laws. Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:19Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit.

• 0:23Marielle Segarra?

  From NPR.

• 0:25Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, everybody. It's Marielle. In romantic relationships, doubt can feel like a dirty word. If it's love, true love, then you'll just know it for certain. You'll lock eyes, preferably across a crowded room, maybe on New Year's Eve, and know that this person is the one for you.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  As if there's some mystical judge who has a secret answer. There's no secret answer.

• 0:53Marielle Segarra?

  Haley Naumann is a culture writer, an editor and author of Maybe Baby, a newsletter and weekly podcast about the mysteries of modern life.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  There is just a set of circumstances that have upsides and downsides. And if you happen to be in a relationship that has maybe a few more downsides than another hypothetical relationship you could be in, that doesn't mean it's wrong. You could still choose it because it's really meaningful to you.

• 1:19Speaker 03

  Right. Doubt in a relationship is the endless circle game of attempting to figure out if what you're doing is following your heart or just reacting to your own paranoia.

• 1:31Marielle Segarra?

  And this is Danny Nelson, Haley's friend and co-host of Dear Danny, the Maybe Baby advice column, where, similar to our show, they help readers and listeners with their thorniest love questions.

• 1:44Marielle Segarra?

  Now, sometimes, Haley and Danny say, you're in a romantic relationship and your doubts get louder and louder, to the point where you cannot ignore them.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, and if you want to keep avoiding it, you're going to have to build more and more and more protection against it, and you're going to start to feel so false.

• 1:59Speaker 03

  Right. Or work harder and harder, like you're swimming against the current.

• 2:05Marielle Segarra?

  On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the advice series brought to you by reporter Andy Tagle, we're talking about romantic doubt with Danny and Haley. They'll answer listener questions about priorities in new relationships, about dealing with parents in old ones, about making a move on a friend and more.

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• 3:50Marielle Segarra?

  So love and doubt. I wonder, just to get us warmed up, is that ever a good pairing, doubt and love?

• 3:55Speaker 05

  Is there room for doubt in our romantic relationships?

• 3:57Speaker 03

  Definitely. I'm trying to think if there was ever a time that I've been in love without experiencing doubt. What's interesting about being in love is that it's kind of like a faith-based endeavor. So you experience doubt kind of constantly in your life about everything, including your partner. And then like, love is kind of like the reminder of something untouchable or ephemeral that you have to accept that it exists without proof.

• 4:27Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. The more interesting question for me is always like, what's the source? The source of your doubt could be that you're afraid of commitment. Or, you know, you could have fleeting moments of doubt when like, a certain part of your personality feels like it's not being nourished in your relationship. And so you sort of make that feeling really big and it makes you doubt the whole relationship. When really the response is like, well, how can I nurture this outside their relationship or within it? I don't think you have to accept feelings of doubt all the time. I think they're kind of like an invitation, I think, to like, reflect.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  Very true.

• 5:00Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm. Danny, Haley, I have no doubt this is going to be a fun one. I feel strongly about that. Um, thank you so much for being with us. Uh, let's get into these questions, shall we?

• 5:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:12Speaker 05

  Question number one, here we go. Dear Life Kit, I recently started talking with someone who I really like and we're talking about taking it slow. However, despite her busy lifestyle, she just got a big dog that has attachment issues and spends all her time and money on him now. I didn't think I'd end up being jealous of a dog, but I find myself wishing she didn't have him and we could focus on each other. It's making me doubt whether she's still available and open to a relationship. How do I stop being jealous of a pet? Should I just consider it a loss, cut ties and move on? Signed, puppy love.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  It's not like you're jealous of a pet. It's just very difficult to share space and time with an animal that needs constant attending to. It's not like she's there being like, oh, I wish I was the dog. I wish I had what the dog has. I mean, maybe, I don't know. A little. Sometimes it's nice to get pet. But like, I think that like, she's there basically just being like,

• 6:15Speaker 03

  this is actually like a tenuous moment when like reciprocation and reinforcement are really key in order to actually like get off the ground with somebody.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  My take is, does a dog suit your lifestyle? Are you attracted to this quality in this person that makes her really excited about tending to her dog? And maybe giving up certain aspects of freedom, last minute travel, going out super late and not having to go home? Like, do you mind? Does that suit you? In which case, I'd say you can get through this early period as long as you make sure to find time for each other and explain that you want to have that outside of the dog and work with it. But if it doesn't really suit you and you really don't have that much of attachment to this person, I think you can just sort of call it.

• 7:06Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Danny, well, I can think of two close people in our lives who a dog has had an impact on their relationship in different ways.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, we do.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  So one got a really high needs dog and it just added a lot of stress to their relationship and they ended up breaking up.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:24Speaker 02

  And I have one who, he never wanted to get a dog because he wanted to be free and travel and stay out late, all the things I said. But I knew he loved dogs and I felt like, actually, if you just sort of committed and like were willing to like be tied down a little bit, you might find a lot of depth and meaning in a relationship with an animal, since I know how much you love animals. He finally meets somebody, she has a dog, and he's obsessed. And it's a really, really cute part of their relationship. They're both obsessed with the dog. They get like little plates made that look like the dog. And he actually has found a lot of meaning in coming into a dog, even though he was sort of commitment phobic about it before.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  So what I'm hearing, like, it plays a significant role in a romantic relationship and so you need to plan for that. And if puppy love wants...

• 8:13Speaker 05

  To do this, should she just work on being less jealous of this pet? You know, like, what does that look like?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  I mean, if it were me, I'd just be like, I want a pat on the head, too. I want treats, too. You know, you're always giving treats to the dog. What about yours, truly?

• 8:33Speaker 02

  I guess my advice would be, you know, puppy love says, I find myself wishing she didn't have him. I think that's a place to start. It's just sort of accepting that this is part of the package, finding the joy in it, giving it a shot without so much resistance and wishful thinking that's not gonna come true. And finding ways of engaging, including the dog, that you think are really fun.

• 8:57Speaker 03

  Definitely. You know, a way to accept a dog into your life is like, just to begin doing things for the dog.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Care begets love. It's not the other way around.

• 9:10Speaker 05

  All right, question number two, shall we? Dear Life Kit, I'm a 60-year-old widower and recently met a 52-year-old widow. We get along great, talk the same language, and seem to align well on values. The issue is that she's widowed from her wife. I'm also widowed from my wife, who was with women before she met me. We don't use the D-word, dating. But our times together go on for hours and we talk effortlessly. She's smart as hell and equally as sarcastic as I am. We've told each other that we like each other and have expressed affection in non-physical ways. I'm very open about people's sexuality, and we've also briefly discussed sexuality, but I have no idea how fluid she may be, if at all. My dilemma is that I would like nothing better than to kiss her.

• 9:52Speaker 05

  I felt that at least a couple moments would have been perfect for that, yet I hesitated. I don't want to chase her away. Part of me says I should wait until she makes a move. Part of me thinks we should talk, and part of me thinks I should wait for a good time and just gently, consensually try to initiate it. Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated. Signed, More Than Friends. I love it. Okay, Haley, I love the smile on your face. Tell me your initial thoughts.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  Yes, I think this one's so sweet. My dilemma is I would like nothing better than to kiss her. See, we've lost all romance in the younger generations.

• 10:27Speaker 05

  I know. I know.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Um, okay, my first impression of this question is I don't think a kiss is where to start here. I think he could say, I really enjoy being friends with you, but would you ever be down to go on a date with me? Or is that not your thing? Like, it could just be as simple as that and easy as that.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  Definitely. But like, before he does anything, he has to let go, honestly, of what the outcome will be if he wants to remain friends with this person. And like, then I think it will be safe for him to move ahead because he will evidently be open to maintaining kind of the relationship as it exists.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  I hear you. I don't know. I think that's kind of risky. Have you ever like genuinely been friends with someone that you liked and you try to tell them? And or like any sort of unreciprocated situation where you genuinely stayed friends with that person? Or that relationship stayed that close?

• 11:23Speaker 02

  I think that they're at an age and experience level where they could weather something like this.

• 11:29Speaker 05

  Where we could get through it.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  I mean, you're right. There's always a risk. I guess maybe there's always a risk with love or like putting yourself out there, but there's a risk with not.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  You know, if he wants to pursue this and he wants to move ahead and he actually treasures the friendship, so much so that he doesn't want to lose it, the first course of action is to come to terms in his own heart about the fact that like, he's completely okay remaining where they are now.

• 11:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  I think if he can communicate directly from that place in himself, it will be sensed.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I think, I mean, I think there's room for a little humor. It depends on his style.

• 12:08Speaker 03

  It depends on his style.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  But, you know, they've seen a lot of life and they can weather something like this.

• 12:17Speaker 05

  Okay, question three. Let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my partner of over six years and I are approaching our mid 30s and we're considering taking the next step together, getting married and having kids. While starting a family is something we both want in life, I am reluctant to commit to him because I can't stand his family. They're extremely rude to me and constantly belittle me, my background and my culture, like it's food and cultural values, which is different from theirs. It's extra difficult for me because my extended family does not live nearby, while my partner's family does. They get together often. I just couldn't imagine raising my kids in a mixed cultural household where their closest extended family doesn't understand and celebrate their unique heritage. I've told him how I feel about the situation and we both feel stuck. We feel that confronting his family would be awkward and drive a wedge between my partner and them,

• 13:02Speaker 05

  which is the last thing I want. I feel like the only options are to suck it up or move on. Signed, no thanks fam.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  It's curious to me to be with somebody for six years and be talking about starting a family and then be like, but like actually his in-laws are so awful that maybe I should just break up and start all over. It feels like a really extreme response for such a long relationship and one that like you're directly communicating about increasing the stakes in. It's worthwhile to consider like if actually you are just having doubts in the relationship proper.

• 13:43Speaker 05

  You're saying like, why now?

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, like I think it can be really painful for your in-laws to like not see you. And it can be really sad to give up a dream of what relationship you could have with them or what type of grandparents they might be. And I think that that's a real, that can be a real source of grief. But do I think it should break up an otherwise extra solid relationship? I don't think so. I mean, I think difficult in-laws is one of the most classic.

• 14:15Speaker 03

  It's a trope.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  It's one of the most classic downsides. And I, obviously it's a spectrum, but they're not in your relationship.

• 14:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  My breed of this is that the issue is with the partner. I think this is the partner's responsibility.

• 14:31Speaker 05

  Right.

• 14:31Speaker 02

  Deal with his family, like stand up for her. Tell them that they're not going to have a relationship with their grandchildren if they don't respect her.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Like especially thinking about having children with somebody, it's important to really like believe that they will stand up for you.

• 14:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:50Speaker 03

  And like for their own child. What, what you really are needing is like a show of solidarity from your partner with their family.

• 14:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, or you know, some, create some healthy boundaries, maybe.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  Right, or something healthier than that.

• 15:05Speaker 05

  Right, yeah, I mean, like you can, you know, she says that like his family gets together all the time. You know, do you have to go to every family gathering maybe? If this pair does decide to make it work, how can they set themselves up for success?

• 15:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think that she needs to be incredibly clear. With her partner about these fears and doubts she's having and really clear about what she needs him to do. And I think he needs to show up in a way that indicates to her that like she's safe and that he absolutely hears her on everything she's saying and agrees. Like hopefully he sees it the same way. If she feels belittled by him in any way, I think that's like a different conversation. If you feel like, hey, this is my person, this is my teammate, this is who I want to start a family with and go through life with, then yeah, I can't imagine saying, well,

• 16:01Speaker 02

  I'm just gonna ditch them because their parents are bigots, which of course would suck. Like it would truly suck and I think it would be really hard. But yeah, I think everyone, there's gonna be challenges in every relationship and I think all you can really ask is that you really feel like you're on a team with your partner and that you feel really respected and that they're hearing you and putting in effort to make you feel heard and known.

• 16:24Speaker 05

  Hmm, yeah. So I'm hearing, find the true source of your discomfort in this situation and give your partner the opportunity to be on the same team, given the opportunity to rise to the occasion and then go from there.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, and this isn't your burden to carry alone.

• 16:43Speaker 05

  All right, question four, here we go. Dear Life Kit, this girl and I have been talking for nearly a month. I asked if she wanted to go on a date and she said, I'm not saying no, and then proceeded to tell me she was still working on stuff caused by her last girlfriend. She said she wanted to get to know me more and see where it goes from there. She knows I like her and I flirt often, but she never really reciprocates or comments on it. She did initially. We talk nearly every day. She's hung out with me several times and I think we get along well. She also initiates a lot of texting. I told her I really liked her and appreciated hanging out with her and she said likewise, but I feel like I'm noticing her slowly slipping away. Is this going anywhere? I'm afraid to ask her and make her feel rushed into a decision and end up saying no because

• 17:28Speaker 05

  of that, but I'm afraid of waiting for something that may never happen. What if she isn't even into me? I don't know what to do. Do I keep hanging out and not saying anything or do I wait another month or two to say I wanna go on a date? Should I just start preparing for this to end? Signed, head over heels.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  So total honesty here, we almost didn't include this question because we were worried that the answer was a little too straightforward. There's just so much, if they wanted to, they would in the ether these days. And my friend, Head Over Heels, I say this kindly, we've all been there, it just doesn't seem like your love interest wants to or will.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  Yep. I mean, this is in no way meant to be cruel to the questioner because it's a universal feeling and experience that like everyone has gone through, but this is a case of self-delusion.

• 18:25Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  This person is not giving almost any of their energy to you, and they are only initiating like texting when they feel the need for some kind of vague affirmation.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think for me, has more to do with just like self-respect. I'm not saying end the friendship with this person, but you know, if you find yourself waiting around for somebody who's not investing any time and energy, or worse, sort of sucking your energy, you can also just sort of say, hey, that's not, it's not for me to wait around and feed that. And like, if you're making it clear that you're interested, and they know that, and they're sort of being hot and cold, they're already aware of the power imbalance that's going on here.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  For sure.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  And the only way you can sort of get your power back, I think, is to just recognize that, you know, you deserve reciprocation.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, they're getting what they need from this right now. Whether or not like they consciously are thinking about the power dynamic or anything, which they likely probably aren't, what's at stake here, like Haley said, is your self-respect.

• 19:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, absolutely. And I think you're being a little more generous than I would be to this other person. Like, the fact that she started out by saying, "I'm not saying no," feels a little bit... Like she knows exactly what she's doing, too.

• 19:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe so.

• 19:43Speaker 05

  The thing about these kinds of situations is they're so easy to see from the outside. But you swear it's different when you're the one being strung along, you know?

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Very true.

• 19:52Speaker 05

  Any advice to offer for anyone who's out there hoping beyond hope?

• 19:56Speaker 03

  It's very rare that a partner is something to win like a prize.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  These are such formative relationships, like experiences, though. Like, these are the exact experiences that you need to help contrast with, like, the warm glow of reciprocity when you finally feel it.

• 20:12Speaker 05

  What's the best way to move on after this kind of hurt? You know, what's the best way to shake it off?

• 20:15Speaker 02

  Refind your confidence, investing in people who are giving you the same energy you're putting out, and just sort of refill your cup.

• 20:25Speaker 03

  There's only one way, and it's just to do exactly what Haley said and also let time pass.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  It's just like, it's bad weather for now.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Wait out the storm.

• 20:37Speaker 05

  Danny, Haley, it has been an absolute pleasure. Before you leave, we ask every guest for their best piece of advice. I would love to hear each of yours. Anyone have anything to share to start?

• 20:49Speaker 02

  I tend to think of my emotions as problems to solve. And I think the best advice I've been given is to recognize that, sort of to what Danny just said, is that feelings are weather and they're meant to be experienced and moved through. And you don't always need to apply intellectual rigor to understand them or to process them. All you have to do, all you owe them, is acceptance and acknowledgement.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  That's really beautiful. What's my advice? Drive across the country? Leave your phone at home, spend time by yourself.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 21:29Speaker 03

  That's my advice.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Getting outside is huge.

• 21:37Marielle Segarra?

  That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on figuring out your attachment style and another on dealing with jealousy. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love Life Kit and you just cannot get enough, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected]. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Sorino. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.

• 22:19Marielle Segarra?

  Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Sam Yellowhorse Kessler, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Zoe Vangenhoven. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.