Pod Insights Life Kit Plus When your best friend tells you to stop texting her About this episode Advice inbound. In this edition of Dear Life Kit, we're pulling wisdom from the Life Kit archives to help you:
-Support a friend who is imposing distance
-Escape your kids' exhausting schedule
-Handle a tricky conversation about money with your family
-Call out some bad energy in your friend's marriage
Have a question for the Life Kit team? Write us or send a recording to [email protected] mailto:[email protected] . Questions about money, health, home and family life, staying organized, sticky social situations — we want them all. We may answer your question in a future episode.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 This message comes from the Southern Environmental Law Center. No one voted for dirty air and water. That's why S E L C is fighting back to defend the healthy environment everyone depends on. Because it's not political, it's fundamental. Learn more at S E L C dot org.
0:20 Marielle Segarra? I was telling Meghan all about this. I was dog sitting for three days.
0:23 Speaker 02 Really?
0:24 Marielle Segarra? I feel like I don't have the, what's the word? The stamina, the, the like-
0:33 Speaker 02 Constitution.
0:33 Marielle Segarra? I was starting to be like, can I have a baby? Like, if I can't even do this for three days.
0:39 Speaker 03 And you know what they say, it's one of those things, like, when it's your dog, it's different. When it's your baby, it's different.
0:43 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
0:44 Speaker 03 I was never a kid person. I just remember being like, they're just sticky all the time. Why are they always sticky? And now my kid is always sticky. And I'm like, yeah, fine with it.
0:52 Speaker 02 You get conditioned to being a gross cesspit and like always having like jam and yogurt.
0:58 Speaker 03 I don't know if you're selling this, Malika. I don't know if you're selling it.
1:01 Marielle Segarra? Gross cesspit.
1:07 Marielle Segarra? Hello and welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, the series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice with help from the collective wisdom in our archives. I am Marielle Segarra, and as always for Dear Life Kit, reporter Andy Tagel is here. Hey, Andy.
1:24 Speaker 03 Hi.
1:25 Marielle Segarra? And we've also got our digital editor, Malika Garib here. What's up?
1:29 Speaker 02 Hello. Hello.
1:30 Marielle Segarra? Hi, I like your Dodgers jersey.
1:32 Speaker 03 Me too.
1:33 Speaker 02 Thank you, it's the Filipino edition.
1:35 Marielle Segarra? Oh.
1:36 Speaker 03 Envy.
1:37 Marielle Segarra? Cool.
1:37 Speaker 03 A lot of envy.
1:38 Marielle Segarra? If you have a question for us, please get in touch. Write us or record yourself asking your question and email the file to [email protected] . Okay, Andy, let's get started. What's our first question?
1:50 Speaker 03 All right, let's do it. So Lizeth writes, "My best friend is expecting her first child, and we live in different countries. I want to be supportive, but my friend was clear in setting a boundary. No texts or communication until she appears with news when she has time and energy to do it." I just want to be a good friend, but I miss her. How can I be supportive, respect your boundaries, but still be there even in the distance? I'm a childless person and I don't plan to have kids, but being an auntie with my friend's child would be a dream.
2:19 Speaker 02 Hmm, wow.
2:21 Marielle Segarra? That sounds painful.
2:22 Speaker 02 Can I just say, this sounds like a red flag for me for the friend, like, is she okay? Is the friend okay? Like, this is a long distance friendship already. Like, long distance friendship is what? Sharing memes with each other, sending those Instagram videos to each other. Like, how do you feel right now? Are you okay? Do you need anything? And like, not wanting any of that communication is kind of wild for a best friend dynamic.
2:46 Speaker 03 Or, like, does this friend just not know what's gonna happen? Like, I'm thinking, like, first baby on the way, there's a very high possibility, if this is really what they think they need, there's a very high possibility, if this person is really your best friend, that that's gonna change. So like, if it were me, if this was my best friend telling me this, I'd be like, okay, I'm gonna do my best to respect what you think that you need, but I'm gonna send you a giant care package. And in that giant care package, there's gonna be like a menu of options.
3:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:12 Speaker 03 And that menu of options, it's gonna be like, like a plane ticket, that's gonna be like, ready to go. A diaper delivery, it's gonna be a, you know, like a food train, whatever. And you know what? The other thing I might do is I'm gonna like, call that panel of experts that knows her. You know, I'm gonna call your partner, I'm gonna call your mom, I'm gonna be like, is she okay?
3:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:27 Speaker 03 You know, like?
3:27 Speaker 02 Yeah. Absolutely.
3:28 Speaker 03 This is a strange request with a baby on the way.
3:30 Marielle Segarra? And although you can send something, like a care package, like you said, Andy, and just be clear that they don't need to respond.
3:39 Speaker 03 Totally, yeah.
3:40 Marielle Segarra? I will say, though, like, the desire to be a supportive adult in a kid's life, I mean, it makes a lot of sense. And you mentioned that you don't have children and you don't plan to. We actually did an episode on being child free. And one of the points that people made was just because you're child free doesn't mean you don't like kids. And in fact, like, kids are often a part of your community and you wanna play a role in their lives, just not as their guardian.
4:05 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
4:05 Marielle Segarra? So that impulse makes a lot of sense, but this might not be the right child and the right family to do that with right now. And there are people that you'll meet who you haven't even met yet, who you could become an auntie to. So just look out for those opportunities, too, and like, share your love where it's appreciated.
4:24 Speaker 02 Hmm, don't put all your eggs in this basket.
4:26 Marielle Segarra? Yeah, that's true. Never put all your eggs in one friendship basket.
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5:03 Speaker 05 Midlife brings a lot of changes. Your Turn with Allison Aubrey is a new podcast to help you navigate the twists and turns. From health and relationships to creativity and purpose, we can help steer your next chapter with Your Turn with Allison Aubrey. Find it on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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5:25 Speaker 06 This week on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, we talk with fashion designer Daniel Vasevic about why he is in charge of renovating his parents' house.
5:32 Speaker 07 I don't have an architecture degree.
5:34 Speaker 06 Yeah.
5:34 Speaker 07 I'm not an interior designer, but I'm gay.
5:36 Speaker 06 Right. Well, there you are.
5:38 Speaker 07 So how hard can it be?
5:40 Speaker 06 Don't miss our full conversation and the rest of our games. Listen to the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me podcast in the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
5:49 Marielle Segarra? All right, next question.
5:51 Speaker 03 Next question. All right. Brian writes, I am a single father of two kids, a girl, 13, and a boy, 11. Both play in a variety of sports. We spend countless hours, days, and weekends at competitions, tournaments, practices, games, and other gatherings. Personally, I think they should be spending more time improving themselves in their sports independently. But their mother thinks being enrolled in an activity is important to their improvement and to limit screen time. She often dismisses my concerns with, it's just a busy time in our life. It's exhausting spending three to five hours a day supporting these activities on top of everything else I have to do. The financial side is also ridiculous. I don't know how families do this, especially single parents. How can I navigate this with my children?
6:36 Speaker 03 I want to be supportive, however, at what cost to my mental, physical, and emotional well-being?
6:41 Marielle Segarra? I hear this a lot.
6:42 Speaker 02 That's a big no for me.
6:44 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
6:44 Speaker 02 I feel like, I'm not doing that. But I'm also like, not like the most, I'm just thinking about myself. I'm also like, the most like motivated to do a lot of extracurriculars. I'm curious to hear about what you all will say.
6:55 Marielle Segarra? Wait a minute, Malika, you do all sorts of extracurriculars.
6:58 Speaker 02 I know, I know, I know, I can't believe it.
7:00 Marielle Segarra? What are you talking about?
7:01 Speaker 02 I don't do like organized extracurriculars.
7:04 Marielle Segarra? Organized ones, okay.
7:07 Speaker 02 Like, I'm not gonna like be in a class.
7:09 Speaker 03 Okay, are you just saying sports, like you're just not big on sports?
7:12 Speaker 02 I just think that it's so tiring for the parent and for the kid. But I, I want to like, just hear what y'all have to say first, or, you know what?
7:18 Marielle Segarra? Well, just like, just to that point, Malika, I feel like what you're getting at is that you do a lot of unstructured play. Like, you'll be like, what do I feel like doing? You let yourself get bored for maybe a microsecond, and then you're like, "I'm gonna build a fountain in my backyard." But like, all these ideas are coming from you, nobody told you to do them.
7:38 Speaker 02 Right.
7:39 Marielle Segarra? And they come when you got a little bored, which, that is definitely an asset for kids, I think.
7:45 Speaker 03 What I was gonna tell Brian is that I'm like, I'm just, I'm tired for him.
7:49 Speaker 02 Poor Brian.
7:50 Speaker 03 It sounds definitely like both Brian and his kids are pretty overscheduled. So the first thing I'm wondering is, how do your kids feel about that? I feel like, you know, ages 11 and 13, that feels old enough to have at least some say in these scheduling decisions.
8:05 Marielle Segarra? That's often our first takeaway at Life Kit, is, consider why you're doing this. Do you actually enjoy this?
8:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, are they like, actually talented in sports? If they're not talented, take them out. Just kidding.
8:17 Marielle Segarra? Oh my god. Hot take.
8:22 Marielle Segarra? I don't know about all that.
8:24 Speaker 02 Wait, wait, but I mean, on a serious note, though, like,
8:27 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
8:27 Speaker 02 A lot of the, one refrain that I hear from parent friends here in my community in Nashville is that like, organized sports for children is so intense, you know, everyone thinks that they're raising like a little NFL player, you know, and...
8:42 Speaker 02 That's not going to be the story of everybody. There's got to be some kind of like lower key, middle ground level of organized sports activity that is just a little chiller than others.
8:54 Speaker 03 But I don't think it's necessarily about them having to be good at it. Like, do they enjoy it? Do they enjoy being all of these sports? And from there, first, your time is as valuable as theirs, like, period, full stop.
9:07 Marielle Segarra? Love that.
9:07 Speaker 03 If you're going to keep a schedule, at the very least, you have to carve out some dedicated parent PTO. This is something we talk about a lot. Every parent deserves to protect a few hours, a day of the week, a weekend every month, whatever feels actually achievable and maintainable just for you. But I also think it's totally fair to go to your kids, to go to their mom and say, you know, let's just pick one sport. If you need a sport, if you need that organized activity, one sport per kid per season. Like, I'm a parent, but I'm also a person. I want you to be involved, but I shouldn't have to spend every free waking moment acting like a shuttle service or an equipment manager.
9:41 Marielle Segarra? I think that also teaches kids how to make priorities, right? Because as adults, they're going to have limited income, like most people, and they're going to have limited time, like all of us. And so they need to start learning how to budget those things. And so you can say to them, like, what are you most excited about?
10:00 Speaker 03 I mean, the last thing I was going to say is because, is like, the mom was talking about, like, they need to be scheduled because they need to be away from their tech. And so along those lines, my last suggestion was about an episode we did for How to Be Better Screen Time Role Models for Kids. I interviewed this researcher, Jean Twenge. She has these 10 rules for raising kids in a high-tech world. And one of them was, in the absence of devices, give your kids real-world freedom to help them be more independent. So, for example, letting them go to the grocery store, like, letting them bike to the grocery store, if it's close enough, having them get the groceries, having them bring them home, having them cook dinner with those free afternoons.
10:38 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
10:39 Speaker 03 And then, two-for-one, Dad, you don't have to cook dinner.
10:41 Marielle Segarra? Cooking skills are much more important for the average adult than soccer skills.
10:47 Speaker 02 Dang, she said it. During the World Cup season, no less.
10:51 Marielle Segarra? I know.
10:52 Speaker 02 Marielle Segarra hates the World Cup. Just kidding, just kidding.
10:56 Marielle Segarra? Andy, want to take us to our next question?
10:59 Speaker 03 Yes, I will.
11:02 Speaker 03 Okay, our next question. Dear Life Kit, after a pleasant four-way conversation with my wife, my pregnant daughter, and my son-in-law, we all say, "Love you, bye," or something to that effect. Recently, my son-in-law started embellishing the phrase by saying, "Love you, bye, send money."
11:20 Marielle Segarra? What?
11:20 Speaker 03 I don't know if he's serious, or I don't know if he's serious or joking. We've given them money in the past, but we've never been specifically asked for it. How do I respond?
11:30 Marielle Segarra? Wow.
11:30 Speaker 02 He's bold.
11:31 Marielle Segarra? He's bold.
11:33 Speaker 03 Yes, Malika, please.
11:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay, so there's two things here. One is that like, I love that he's in a relationship with his father-in-law where he can tell him he loves him, let's give him his flowers for that. Okay? I think that there's no way around this, other than to just pull him aside, address the elephant in the room, and say in a kind way, like, "I notice you've been joking about needing money. Are you, are you guys okay? Are you in a tough financial spot?" And I think just like, addressing it right there, hopefully tells the son-in-law, like, "Okay, yeah, that might have been an awkward joke to make," and will shut the joke down. But then, it also shows the son-in-law that, yeah, the father-in-law hears what he's putting down, and he's addressing the issue.
12:14 Marielle Segarra? Right. I think conversation is often the answer when it comes to money awkwardness. So many things get weird because people don't want to talk about money.
12:23 Speaker 02 It's awkward talking about money, though. I hate talking about money.
12:25 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
12:25 Speaker 02 And you love talking about money, Marielle. You love talking about money.
12:30 Marielle Segarra? I kind of do.
12:32 Marielle Segarra? I don't know, I think like, we actually just did an episode on financial guilt. And one piece of advice that Lauren Williams, the financial planner, gave us is, if you are going to give money to someone in your family, or your friend, first think about how much you want to give and can afford to give, before you have a conversation with them, or ideally, before they even ask you. Because that can help you make decisions from a place of tapping into your values, and from a clear-headed place, versus making decisions from a place of guilt and pressure.
13:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:10 Marielle Segarra? Like, would we want them to pay us back? What would we be willing to give them money for? All of those things, so like, you're on the same page when you go to them, and you have your clear boundaries set up. I think it all starts with a conversation.
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14:19 Speaker 03 All right, Andy, last question. OK, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my husband and I have dear friends that we've known for about a decade. We love them both. They're kind and generous, but every time we're with them, she's mean to her husband. She gets super irritable and critical, and he's clearly stepping on eggshells and super deferential. Do I risk our friendship by pulling her aside and confronting her? I know marriages are private and challenging, but it's so uncomfortable and sad to witness her cut him down.
14:48 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
14:49 Speaker 02 Yikes.
14:50 Marielle Segarra? I mean, obviously, we don't know what's happening behind the scenes. I mean, there are two options here, right? You could talk to her, or you could talk to him. Either way, one way to start is by telling them how much you value them and the friendship. That's advice we've gotten from the psychologist Marissa Franco in an episode about conflict and friendship, because that signals the reason you're bringing the issue up is because you're invested in them and because you care about them. So you could go to the wife and say, hey, I really value our friendship, and there's something I want to talk about. Like, I've noticed a few times recently that you put Tim down when we're all hanging out. Can we talk about that?
15:34 Marielle Segarra? Like, what is going on for you guys?
15:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:36 Marielle Segarra? And the other version is going to the husband, saying something similar, like, I noticed... Tammy puts you down a lot in front of us. Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Even if they don't want to talk, you can tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and make the request that they don't do it in front of you.
15:53 Speaker 02 I think that's all really good advice, Marielle. Plus one, no changes. No comment.
15:59 Marielle Segarra? Andy has comment.
16:01 Speaker 03 I don't have a comment. I just, you know,
16:05 Speaker 03 I think other people's marriages are such tricky territory.
16:10 Marielle Segarra? Yeah, this is true.
16:12 Speaker 03 Your very best friend in the world, maybe. Maybe you can say something very gently, one time. And I think you should still prepare for it to backfire, you know? Because if you're wrong, because if you caught him at the wrong time, you know, because if you're just seeing that sliver, you know, like you said, Marielle, like you have no idea what's happening the rest of their life.
16:33 Speaker 02 Actually, Andy, you had this Dear Life kit once, and I don't remember the exact context, so maybe you can try to remember. Maybe this will jog your memory. But it was something about how like, just support your friend. You know, you don't have to like, try to fix what's going on between the friend and the spouse. Just ask the friend, like, how you doing? Are you okay? How you been? Like, let me take you out.
16:56 Speaker 03 That's what it was. It was like, mind your business.
16:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, but also like, support the friend who's hurting.
17:01 Speaker 03 It's like, you can be right, but your friend's never gonna thank you for that. You know, like, what good will come from that? Like, of you pointing that out, right? Like, they need to, it needs to come from them. It needs to come, it needs to come from their own heart, basically. And all you can do is be ready to help them, help them through it.
17:19 Speaker 02 That's right.
17:19 Speaker 03 But saying they're awful doesn't help in the situation if they're still in the relationship. You know?
17:25 Speaker 02 If they're like, energy vampires too, and like, you're not feeling refreshed hanging out with them, then also, it's totally okay for you to put a little distance between yourselves, you know?
17:35 Marielle Segarra? Pull back.
17:36 Speaker 03 Right.
17:37 Marielle Segarra? Okay, before we go, Malika, let's share a comment that we got in response to our last episode of Dear Life Kit, and this comes from a listener on Spotify.
17:47 Speaker 02 Yes, this was someone who was reacting to the question in our last episode where someone was dealing with extra responsibilities at work. Basically, they were picking up a lot of slack because a colleague was out. One of our Spotify listeners had this suggestion. Say to your boss, here are the things I am working on. Which of these things should I hold off on so I can take on this other responsibility? If the answer is do it all, then the conversation should become about additional pay or title. Dang.
18:16 Marielle Segarra? I love that. It's one of those like-
18:19 Speaker 03 Expert level.
18:19 Marielle Segarra? Yeah.
18:20 Speaker 03 Yes.
18:20 Marielle Segarra? If this, then that, you know?
18:22 Speaker 03 Tool for the toolbox, yeah. Mm-hmm. Adding it, adding it.
18:27 Marielle Segarra? All right. Once again, if you have a question for Life Kit, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about healthcare, about staying organized, about messy breakups, or annoying friends, whatever you got. Email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to [email protected] . I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.
18:56 Marielle Segarra? Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors. This weekend up first, we're in the final days before the midterm elections, and this is one of the wonderful things about politics, one of the wonderful things
19:07 Speaker 05 about humanity. We have all this data, we have all this information, and nobody really knows what's gonna happen. We're gonna follow it day by day through Election Day and beyond. And you can listen to Up First every morning on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. Midlife brings a lot of changes. Your Turn with Alison Aubrey is a new podcast to help you navigate the twists and turns. From health and relationships to creativity and purpose, we can help steer your next chapter with Your Turn with Alison Aubrey. Find it on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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