Happy Place Hotline: Excruciating embarrassment and resisting rest

That moment you want the ground to swallow you whole - we’ve all been there! On this week’s Happy Place Hotline, Fearne helps listener Charlotte get an embarrassing moment off her chest, and shares some of her own red-faced experiences. We also hear from Olivia, who feels like she’s carrying the weight of friends, family and colleagues on her shoulders. Plus, Rosie asks Fearne a very relatable question - how do you stop resisting rest? Got something you want to share with Fearne? The Happy Place Hotline is open! Email [email protected], or send us a DM or voice note on Instagram @happyplaceofficial Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 2:39Fearne Cotton?

  Hello, everyone. I'm Fern Cotton and welcome to Happy Place. It's time again to open

• 2:48Fearne Cotton?

  the Happy Place hotline. This is a chance for you to get in touch with your dilemmas, if you so choose, and your voice notes and little life updates. You can basically use and abuse this hotline, well, within reason. For whatever reason you need, you can tell us a problem you've got going on, something like some great news that's happened to you, a funny story, whatever you like. So I want to hear all about what's going on for you. You can email me [email protected] or you can just slide into our DMs. You can give us a little voice note on Instagram. It's @happyplaceofficial. So, right, let's get to some of your brilliant messages that you've sent in. This one is from...

• 3:33Fearne Cotton?

  Hello, it's Olivia. It's Olivia. Olivia says, "I have loved the pod for years, so I wanted to write in. I've realized recently that I've somehow become the person everyone comes to when they're having a difficult time. My friends ring me when they're upset. My family relies on me to organize things, and at work, I'm always the one who will step in when someone needs sorting. I genuinely like being someone who can be depended on. I care about the people in my life, and I don't want to become someone who's less available or less generous. But lately, I've started to feel quite resentful, which makes me feel awful because nobody has actually asked me to do these things. I just automatically say yes. The problem is, when I'm the one having a hard time, I find it really difficult to ask for help.

• 4:18Fearne Cotton?

  I think part of me feels that I'm the capable one, I should be able to cope. And another part worries that if I stop being so useful to people, they might not need me in the same way. I'm starting to wonder whether I've accidentally taught everyone that I'm fine all the time. How do you learn to put your own needs first without feeling selfish? And how do you stop being the person who holds everything together long enough to let someone else look after you?" Olivia, this is an excellent, excellent topic for us to look at. There's so many things I want to say. I'm going to start by just one sentence that you put here. And this one, for me, is a great subject because I was/still can be an Olivia. I can so be an Olivia.

• 5:02Fearne Cotton?

  And it's taken me a good couple of years to undo some of the things I've put in place as you have, Olivia.

• 5:12Fearne Cotton?

  So you said here, "I care about the people in my life and I don't want to become someone who's less available." I think you should. I think you should become much, much less available, without a doubt. The problem is, in this day and age, we can be available 24/7. We feel we have to get back to text messages and phone calls immediately, because if we don't, we worry like, "Oh, they'll think I don't care about them," or whatever it might be. And I think making yourself slightly less available is the best bit of self-compassion you can give yourself. Because where, Olivia, are you in all this? Are you being available to yourself? Does that make sense? Do you know what I'm saying?

• 5:57Fearne Cotton?

  Like, are you leaving room to go, "What are my needs? What about me?" That's why you're feeling resentful. And I'll tell you what, I got so resentful being like this. And, you know, like you've said in your email, of course, you want to be there for your friends and family. You love them, you don't want anyone to suffer. But when you then start suffering, and resentment, I think, is suffering, that's when something needs to change and there just needs to be a shift. And it doesn't need to be one thing or the other. You can still be there for people, but with some boundaries in place. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying this because I have so been there. And my resentment got so bad, I think it actually made me sick. I think I actually got sick from feeling such inattention, like your muscles are tense,

• 6:41Fearne Cotton?

  your jaws clenched. I got sick from feeling like that. So I would say feeling resentful is a real good sign that something needs to change. The other part of this issue is a very historic issue that relates to being a woman. And that issue is that there's the sort of trope of being a martyr that has been attached to being a woman forever, like throughout history, that we are to be the nurturers, the people that give and give and give, and we have this endless supply of ourselves to give other people in all manner, all manners. And that's not true.

• 7:26Fearne Cotton?

  We, you know, we need to keep something back for ourselves. And because we've had this kind of put upon us, we then feel like we're being selfish if we go against the grain and we say, "Actually, I can't help you out," or you just don't text someone back. You're not being selfish. You're not being selfish. It's that classic case of if you're not looking after yourself, you can't, of course, look after anybody else because you're full of resentment and you're pissed off and you're knackered and you just, you just want to hide away. And I think you probably do get to the point of burnout if you don't put boundaries in place. Well, Olivia, I'm speaking from a place of like absolute experience. What I do now is just answer honestly. So if one of my mates gets in touch and says, "Oh, my God, could we have a quick phone call? I'm having a really rough time."

• 8:10Fearne Cotton?

  If I've got the headspace to do it, I absolutely will. I will have that phone call and see if I can be of help. And a lot of the time, you know, you just need to listen. You don't have to find a solution to someone's problem. You just need to listen and that makes them feel good. So that's like a slightly easier way of dealing with it. But equally, if I'm in a place where I am max capaz up to here with like jobs I've got to do, juggling work and kids and all that comes with that, I will quite honestly just say to someone, "Do you know what? At the moment, I'm just absolutely full to the brim with stuff and I've got some of my own personal things going on. And I promise I'll, you know, get back to you at some point.

• 8:55Fearne Cotton?

  Maybe next week, we can go for a walk or we can have a coffee. But at the moment, I just can't." There's nothing wrong with being honest. It doesn't mean you're a selfish person. And actually, by doing that, it shows that you have got needs. And they then might go, "Oh, what's going on for you?" Which is how it should be. It's not a one-way street. So I think just start being a bit more honest and just say no. Just say, or just don't even respond. You don't have to. Have a day where you just ignore your phone. You're not there to fix everybody's problems. Like, you're really, really not. Just be there for yourself as much as you possibly can and say no when you get to a point of resentment, because there's no point helping someone whilst secretly feeling resentful. Like, "Yes, I'd love to help out. What can I do for you?"

• 9:39Fearne Cotton?

  That is not good for you or them. So just put those boundaries in place. And Olivia, be a bit more selfish because you can afford to be, okay? Good. I'm saying that because I got so fucked off with doing everything for everyone. And now I have boundaries in place and I am happier. Oh, the other thing, Olivia, there's a PS to this. You will piss some people off, and that's all right.

• 10:05Fearne Cotton?

  Okay? Onto the next one. This is from Rosie. Hello, Rosie.

• 10:14Fearne Cotton?

  Hi Rosie.

• 10:16Fearne Cotton?

  Hi Fern, I wanted to get in touch with the hotline as I have a problem that might be relatable for others. I've realised that I'm actually quite bad at resting.

• 10:26Fearne Cotton?

  I can have an entire free afternoon ahead of me with absolutely nothing I need to do and rather than feeling excited, I feel vaguely anxious about how I should be spending it. I feel like that. Oh my god. If I sit on the sofa and watch television, I start thinking about all the things I could be doing instead, like how I could go for a walk, call a friend, sort out the cupboard, read that book I bought months ago, or do something vaguely productive. Even when I do manage to relax, there's often a little voice in my head telling me that I'm wasting time. I know we're constantly told about the importance of slowing down, protecting our energy and taking care of ourselves, but sometimes I wonder whether I've become so accustomed to being busy that I no longer know how to enjoy doing nothing. And I'm also not necessarily achieving anything by

• 11:10Fearne Cotton?

  keeping myself occupied. I'm just tired. And then I feel guilty for being tired because I haven't done the thing that should have made me tired in the first place. What a conundrum. How do you learn to rest without feeling like you need to earn it first? And what do you do when slowing down feels uncomfortable rather than restorative? Oh my god. Right, I am straight up hyperactive and I have been forever. I saw a friend yesterday who came over to the house and after I'd finished work, I decided to make a Halloween costume out of old tights. And I did it quite quickly because I wanted to do another chore afterwards. And my friend came round and went, "What's that?" And I went, "Oh, I just made it." "When?" I went, "Literally just now." "You made that just now?" I was like,

• 11:55Fearne Cotton?

  "Yeah, I just made it." "What do you mean you just made it?" "I just, I made it." And then I was on to sorting the loft out. Like, I am, I like having little busy, little busy bee projects to be doing, but just like you, Rosie, I hit a wall and then I think, "Oh my god, I shouldn't have let it get this bad. I should have had some rest beforehand." I'm really bad at rest because I don't know how, I don't know how to do it. If there's a TV show that I find very compelling, Below Deck, I can chill out and watch that in bed on the laptop, but there are very, there are very few other shows that hold my concentration as Below Deck does. Traitors maybe as well. I find it so hard to chill out. So I'd say

• 12:39Fearne Cotton?

  don't give yourself a hard time. Because if you like being busy, that's okay, I think. Allow yourself the, like, the joy of clearing out a cupboard. Or like, the other day, I reorganised the whole of the loft. Oh my god, it was so sexy. I bought a bunch of massive plastic containers like this big. I got a black marker of Zommer Virgo as well. And I wrote, like, Christmas decorations, Halloween decorations, generic party decorations. And then I stored them all in boxes, lined it all up. Oh, it is gorgeous up there. No one will ever see it apart from me, but it is so gorgeous up there. I think let yourself

• 13:23Fearne Cotton?

  enjoy being busy. If you know you're about to hit burnout and you feel utterly shit, that's when you probably need to find some sort of rest. Like, what is your Below Deck? I can't think of any other ways that I chill out. I do love reading in bed, so I read in bed every night, but that is part of my sleep routine. So I don't think it constitutes as rest, but just like, general rest. I don't know how to do it. I don't know. Like, Rosie, I need this advice as much as you do. All I've got for you in the bag today is try Below Deck. And if you haven't seen Below Deck, you have got years of archive. Like, I'm jealous. You've got so many Below Decks to watch. Rosie, that is all I've got for

• 14:08Fearne Cotton?

  you. I'm really sorry. This is why you should have not used to have a place hotline. You should have gone to a professional person who knows what they're talking about. Because I don't.

• 14:17Fearne Cotton?

  Thanks, Rosie. Don't forget to check out Below Deck. Oh, we've got Charlotte on. Hello, Charlotte. Charlotte says, "Hello Fern, I need to tell you about something that happened to me recently because I'm hoping that by sharing it, I might finally be able to move on. I do believe sharing cringe-worthy stories is the only way to make them dissipate." Charlotte says, "A few weeks ago, I was walking down the street when I spotted someone I was convinced I knew." Oh, fuck, I've so done this. "I gave him a massive smile, waved enthusiastically and shouted, 'Oh my god, hi, how are you?' They looked at me completely blankly. So naturally,

• 15:01Fearne Cotton?

  rather than accepting that I'd got the wrong person, I doubled down. I started asking questions, trying to jog their memory until it became painfully clear that I had no idea who they were. I wanted the pavement to open up and swallow me whole. The really annoying thing is that at the time, I laughed it off and carried on with my day, but now, weeks later, my brain keeps replaying the whole thing at the most inconvenient moments. I'll be brushing my teeth or trying to fall asleep and suddenly, I'm back on that pavement, reliving every second. It made me think about how much energy we spend worrying about looking silly in front of other people. I know logically that nobody probably cares as much as I think they do, and that most people are too busy worrying about their

• 15:43Fearne Cotton?

  own embarrassing moment to remember mine, but that doesn't seem to stop me." "How did you learn to laugh at yourself and let these things go? I'd love to get to a point where I can make a fool of myself, have a good laugh about it and move on, rather than letting one awkward interaction haunt me for the next 10 years. And I'm curious, Fern, what's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you that you can laugh about now?" Where do I fucking start? I mean, my whole first half of my career, quite frankly. It's just like, one big cringe fest that is on the internet. Ah. What's the worst one? I mean, there are loads. There are like, lots in my live radio days because you're on live

• 16:21Fearne Cotton?

  radio. And one time, I used to have this lovely producer on my radio show called Alex, and he was from Cornwall, and he was the sweetest chap ever. And I used to call him my little Cornish angel. By accident. As I was going, like, literally faded up a song to play. I think I pressed play. And I was doing that bit where you talk over the beginning of the song before it goes into the intro. And I called him my little Cornish anal.

• 16:56Fearne Cotton?

  Instead of angel. And then the song started and we both just sat there going, "Fuck", and there was no going back. I'd done it. It was on live radio. Six million people heard me say that. Oh, so bad. I've done millions. I've done so many. I'm quite bad with names, so I've had it where someone I know quite well walk up to me and I'm with someone else and I have to introduce them and I freeze. I remember once when mum came up to me in a playground opposite the school and I was fucking knackered, so my brain was not working. And I was with one of my friends, Aisha, and I was like, "Aisha, this is..." And I stopped, just literally said nothing. I was so awful. See, I'm still thinking

• 17:41Fearne Cotton?

  about that now. That was about 10 years ago. It happens to all of us all the time. Luckily for you, yours wasn't on live radio. But it happens all the time. I've got another one. Because these things wake you up at three in the morning. I'll just outright say this one. And it makes me feel sick still thinking about it. So, when I was doing an episode of Happy Place ages ago, I had Chris and Rosie Ramsay on. And I was really tired and it was a night time record at 8pm. And I hate recording at night because I don't have a personality. And I called, I called, I called Rosie Rosemary for the first, like,

• 18:24Fearne Cotton?

  20 minutes, until I caught up with my own brain. And about halfway through, I was like, "Rosie, Rosie? It's definitely not Rosemary. Why have I been calling her Rosemary? Rosemary! She's called Rosie Ramsay quite famously." I was so embarrassed. I actually text Chris after and went, "I, I just, my brain doesn't work past 7pm. I'm so sorry." There's another excuse. It's called your wife, wrong fucking name, the whole bloody thing. So embarrassing. Anyway, my point being, Charlotte, we've all got so many of these. Like, there'll be people listening to this who have farted in front of someone at work. Do you know what I mean? Like, just stuff that we know is silly and we should laugh about, but definitely haunts

• 19:06Fearne Cotton?

  you. I would almost encourage more of these stories into the Happy Place hotline. I think the more we can share these stories, the more relieved we are. Because let me tell you, a weight has been lifted having just shared with you all my embarrassing encounters. And there have been more. Some I can't talk about because they're so bad. I think more of those, please. I like the embarrassing ones. "What tried to take you down but didn't? What can you now laugh about?" I would say, Charlotte, time is a healer. I would say that after some years, that's when you can look back and go, "Actually, I can see the funny side now," rather than literally waking at three with heart palpitations, wanting

• 19:49Fearne Cotton?

  to dry wretch. Like, we've all been there. Pretending that you, like, knew someone you didn't and thinking that it was somebody else. You're never going to see that person again, we hope. So, move on. We'll have a good laugh about it on your behalf. And the sad, annoying thing is, more embarrassing things will happen to all of us in the future. And we've just got to deal with those road bumps when we hit them. So I think we need more of these. More embarrassing stories that nearly took you down, but you can now laugh about. We'd like more of those. Thank you, Charlotte. And put your specs on next time. Love ya. So, what a joy. I'm loving our Happy Place hotline. This phone is going

• 20:33Fearne Cotton?

  to be literally going bananas after this, hopefully, with all of you letting us know what you're up to, your stories, your dilemmas. You can voice note us on Instagram, it's @happyplaceofficial, or just send us a message. Put your name, because it's always nice to be able to give you a shout out and tell us where you're from in the world. And we will give you a little bit of space and a bit of chat on our Happy Place hotline. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

• 21:01Fearne Cotton?

  Goodbye.

• 21:59Speaker 04

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• 22:29Speaker 05

  Help I Sexed My Boss is the podcast where manners meets mayhem. I'm William Hanson. I'm Jordan North. And together we take on the hilarious challenges of modern life. William's the arbiter of etiquette. And Jordan's the chaotic yin to my perfectly polished yang. So if you want laugh-out-loud stories and brutally honest moments, then you'll love Help I Sexed My Boss. Watch and listen every Tuesday and Friday. On YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Just search Sexed It. Be warned, it's a bit rude.