3 Reasons Why Your Partner Is Closed Off From You & 6 Steps To Steps To Opening Up

Have you ever flown through a no-fly zone? Not many of us have, but in today's episode Jay Shetty reminds us that we navigate them every day in our relationships with others. Learning the right way to go about it is crucial. Being in a relationship has its ups and downs. It is how you respond to those ebbs and flows that will help determine your relationship’s success. Today you'll learn Jay Shetty’s six steps to resolving relationship no-fly zones. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

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• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. The problem with no-fly zones is that they hold us back from that deeper level of commitment that so many of us want to experience, but often are afraid of. So many people tell me, Jay, I want to have that kind of relationship where I know the other person has my back, where I feel understood, where I feel like we can talk about anything. But then we create and live with these no-fly zones.

• 3:42Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so happy that you're listening today. I'm sitting here, recording this from my studio at home. And whether you're cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're jogging, whether you're running, whether you're at the gym, whether you're at your laptop, whether you're editing, whatever you're up to, I am so glad that you decided to lend me your ears for this time. I feel so grateful to have such an incredible community that we have right here. And it's amazing because we've got over 13,000 five-star reviews. And if you haven't left a review, please, please, please go and do it. It makes a huge difference to the show. And so if you can go and leave a review of your favorite episode,

• 4:24Jay Shetty?

  and I'm going to read a couple out because I think it's a beautiful thing that I get to do here. So, let's have a look. So this one says gratitude from Sin Paviolo. I listen to Jay's podcast on my way to work in the van pool as I sit in the back when I'm meditating to help me really listen without letting my mind wander. I hear so many profound aha moments when I hear him and all the amazing guests speak such impactful words that I will add it to my notes in my phone. The message goes on to say, I pre-ordered the book and I'm so excited to get it. Thank you for being you, Jay, and following your heart purpose with no fear. That means the most to me. Thank you so much. Okay. And this other one is from Swiss Cheese. Immediately I was impressed.

• 5:09Jay Shetty?

  It doesn't take long to understand that Jay is very experienced within his field. And that's why I went ahead and pre-ordered his new book. This is exactly the enlightenment I've been seeking to help guide me towards being a better person, a better father and a better companion. Jay's teachings are so relevant to anyone and everyone. There's something for everyone to gain. I look forward to the journey ahead. Well, thank you to all of you who've left reviews so far. Thank you to those who have pre-ordered the book. I can't believe we're literally less than two weeks away, maybe, yeah, just over a week away from the book being out. I really hope you're going to go and grab a copy. And today's theme is all about how no fly zones are hurting your relationship and six steps to cleaning the air. Now, just about every relationship has them.

• 5:53Jay Shetty?

  They're those topics or those people we just can't talk about with our partner or spouse or our boyfriend or girlfriend, because every time these topics come up, it turns into a fight. You already know which ones they are for you. According to marriage and family therapist, Dr. John Gottman, 69% of marriage conflicts are about ongoing problems and never get resolved. Think about that. 69% of the issues we fight about are never resolved. They just keep coming up over and over and over again. And I bet a lot of you who are married or in long-term relationships or who are thinking

• 6:35Jay Shetty?

  back to past relationships are like, Jay, I definitely believe that. So what do we do about all these unresolved problems? Unfortunately, much of the time, we just give up. We simply stop talking about them. We avoid them, hoping that they're never going to come up again until that awkward family dinner where someone brings that name up or someone brings that topic up. John Gottman calls these issues gridlocked perpetual problems. I call them no-fly zones. Maybe you have one or more no-fly zones in your relationships and you think, it's fine. As long as we stay away from these topics or we don't talk about these people, we're okay. Maybe we think it's even healthy. Having no-fly zones is keeping us from fighting, and that's good, right?

• 7:20Jay Shetty?

  But the problem with no-fly zones is that they hold us back from that deeper level of commitment that so many of us want to experience, but often are afraid of. So many people tell me, Jay, I want to have that kind of relationship where I know the other person has my back, where I feel understood, where I feel like we can talk about anything. How many of you are one of those people? But then we create and live with these no-fly zones. And those two things, wanting that deep, honest, committed relationship and having no-fly zones are mutually exclusive. They do not work together. Because this is what happens. Though we think these things are fine

• 8:03Jay Shetty?

  because we're not fighting about them, things are not fine. If you ever watched the show Friends, there was an episode where Monica, who's sort of the obsessively clean and tidy person, where her friends find out that she's got this locked closet that she won't let anyone into. Her friends, of course, spend the whole time trying to find out what's in the closet and even to break in. And when the closet's finally opened, all of this junk comes spilling out. Monica tried to create this illusion of perfection, but all along, she was hiding this dark secret. And in the show, it was funny. But so many of us do that in real life. And if you've ever done that, if you've tried to keep something hidden, if there was something you just wouldn't talk about, whether about yourself or in your relationship,

• 8:47Jay Shetty?

  it doesn't really stay hidden, right? Maybe no one physically sees it, but it can become a source of emotional stress and shame. Most of us have known that couple where everything seemed great. And then all of a sudden, they announce they're splitting up. Maybe that's been you. I know I've been in that situation in the past. We can get really good at hiding and burying what's going wrong. And one way we do this is through these no-fly zones. Now, not everything a couple bickers or argue about is a no-fly zone, right? I mentioned before that one of the things that I do that bugs Radhi is that sometimes when I'm deeply interested in a topic and I'm studying and reading about it, I'll have all of these books and articles out.

• 9:30Jay Shetty?

  And instead of putting them away, I'll forget and leave them out. And I try to remember to clean them up. But sometimes I'm in a rush or I know I'm going to come back to them and we'll have a little, you know, argument about it. But that's not a no-fly zone. That's just a recurring challenge or issue which I really need to sort out. Every couple has those. And it's just a function of being two people who are different, spending a lot of time together, coming from different backgrounds and different walks of life with different expectations. Now, if you have siblings, I'm sure you had some of those with your siblings growing up too. A no-fly zone is when something is so upsetting or polarizing or causes such friction between you that you purposefully avoid it.

• 10:13Jay Shetty?

  Now, some no-fly zones can get downright ridiculous. My friend's parents actually got into a fight over, get this, this is a true story, over the apocalypse. A few years ago, her family was sitting around and someone asked the question, if there was a nuclear attack or some kind of horrible plague and you had the choice of living through it, but living with a deformity or several deformities or of being killed immediately, which would you choose? My friend's father chose one way. He'd said he'd stick around and deal with the deformities. And the mother said she'd rather die right away. And they were each really upset about how the other answered and they fought about it for hours. I'm totally serious. It got so bad, it became this thing they can't talk about.

• 10:57Jay Shetty?

  Like my friend said, she can't bring it up or they'll fight about it again. Okay, that's a pretty ridiculous example. But for that couple, there's something at the core of the argument that gets to something about their relationship. It's not about the apocalypse, but about some belief they each have. And that's why it's so polarizing. Maybe it's the fact that they chose different situations and challenging circumstances.

• 11:22Jay Shetty?

  But more common no-fly zones are things like every time the topic of your partner's or your spouse's mother comes up, you shut down, or they shut down, or you get angry. Or here's another big one, money. If every time the topic of money or finances come up, you fight, and so you avoid the topic altogether. And again, I know some of you out there are nodding going, yeah, I get that. That's my situation. So why do we do this? Why can't we just resolve these issues and get on with it? Well, according to psychologist Leon Seltzer, writing in Psychology Today, there are three primary reasons couples have recurring fights.

• 12:03Jay Shetty?

  The first is that we learned it from our parents. Growing up, most of us saw our parents fight. Maybe it was rare, or maybe it happened a lot. But if when our parents fought, if instead of working through their issues, they would dig in their heels and things would go unresolved, we may have internalized the idea that there are just some issues that can't be fixed. We also might have gotten the idea, that's just what couples do. And again, I know some of you are nodding. I know for me, it was the opposite. Seeing my parents argue showed me the type of argument that I didn't want to have with my wife, and I would consistently say to Radhi, that I don't want to be in that situation. I don't want us to have that

• 12:47Jay Shetty?

  kind of relationship, and we can find a way out. And that's what we've always prioritized and tried to make work for us. And we're a work in progress, too. If growing up, our parents didn't model for us how to resolve conflicts effectively, where would we have learned to do that? If we didn't pick it up, or educate ourselves, or learn about it in another relationship, how would we know how to resolve longstanding or repeat conflicts? So, the solution for that is to first notice the pattern. Think back to how your parents fought, and whether they effectively resolved conflict, or whether they had no-fly zones. And we'll get into how to get rid of no-fly zones in a few minutes. But just noticing the pattern can be really powerful. And that awareness is important, and we'll come back

• 13:32Jay Shetty?

  to that in a minute. But first, according to Dr. Seltzer, the second reason we have recurring fights is that we feel emotionally threatened. We get angry with our partner when our ego is under attack, and anger and defensiveness are how we protect ourselves. Here's a really common example. Exes, right? How many people do you know who fight over exes? It's so common. Some people can't even mention the name of an ex before their partner is up in arms with anger. Maybe that's a no-fly zone in your relationship. Barring any actual trespass, meaning assuming your partner didn't have any kind of infidelity with this person in the past, or the ex isn't actively pursuing an inappropriate relationship with your partner.

• 14:18Jay Shetty?

  The reason we often get so upset about exes is our own jealousy and insecurity. It comes down to our ego. For some of us, it's painful to even acknowledge that our partner even had a romantic life before us. And so we protect ourselves from our own insecurity with anger. We go on the attack. As Seltzer writes, anger immunizes us from vulnerability. And that's what we're really avoiding, right? We don't want to hear that other person's name, that ex's name, because it makes us feel insecure and vulnerable. And it makes us feel even more vulnerable to think about telling our partner how we truly feel. So we cover it with anger. And sometimes we also go on the attack.

• 15:01Jay Shetty?

  We might say something nasty or insulting about the ex, like that they were not attractive or not smart, or accuse our partner or spouse of not loving us. It's not just about exes that we can get angry. There are loads of issues that can make us feel vulnerable. Maybe our spouse or partner questions how much money we make or spend. That's a huge one, right? And we can hear that as criticism and get angry and defensive. Maybe their point or their question is valid, or maybe they are really being hypercritical. Here are some interesting statistics about money in relationships from Compare Camp. Couples who argue about finances at least once a week are 30% more likely to get divorced.

• 15:46Jay Shetty?

  Additionally, in America, of those who've gotten a divorce within the last five years, 59% of them said finances played a role. Incidentally, the highest divorce rates internationally, regardless of reason, are in Russia. Of the top 10, the US comes in at number nine, followed by China. No European countries make the top 10, but Portugal has the highest divorce rate in Europe. But regardless of what we fight about, as Seltzer says, when we're communicating from a space of anger, we're not listening. So one of the ways to resolve that is to stay calm when we talk about hot button issues. Easier said than done, right?

• 16:28Jay Shetty?

  But we need to get grounded so that even if we disagree with what our partner is telling us, we can respond from that space of calm instead of defensiveness. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are, but it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room.

• 17:12Jay Shetty?

  Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980.

• 17:56Jay Shetty?

  That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup, and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 18:41Jay Shetty?

  Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

• 18:52Jay Shetty?

  One of my favorite ways I like to get grounded and that I advise others to do is to tune into your body. Feel your feet on the floor or the ground, or feel yourself and your body resting into the chair or the sofa. Take several rounds of deep breaths, breathing in to a count of four, holding for a count of four, then breathing out for a count of four. That helps to calm your nervous system, so it's easier for your brain to engage in a rational conversation. This is a habit you can build when you're not fighting, and you'll remember when you are fighting. One of my friends says

• 19:37Jay Shetty?

  that when her partner comes to her with something that's difficult for her to hear, she puts her hand on her heart as she listens and imagines breathing into and out of her heart. As she says, that also helps her to remember to listen and to respond from her heart, and I love that. So many of us are responding from our head, our ego, our mind, but when we come down into our hearts, we can really be our true selves. And the third reason Dr. Seltzer says couples have recurring fights is because some of us have such core ideological differences that they truly are not resolvable. Two of the big ones, and you may have even already thought of them, are politics and

• 20:22Jay Shetty?

  religion. Still, these don't have to be deal breakers for our relationships if we set some healthy boundaries. It's hard to think of a couple that would be more ill-suited politically than the James Carville and Mary Matalin. Carville is a Democrat who was the campaign manager for former US President Bill Clinton, and Matalin is a former Republican turned Libertarian, who is the deputy campaign manager for Clinton's presidential opponent, George H. W. Bush. Yet, in spite of their vast political differences, the couple has been married for over 25 years. How do they do it? In a joint talk the couple did at a Louisiana school, Matalin told students that people have to learn to prioritize what's

• 21:03Jay Shetty?

  important to them in the relationship, and put healthy boundaries around hot-button issues. Carville told the students that it's a good thing to spend time with people they disagree with, ideally who are also smarter than they are. Matalin agreed, describing her husband as a genius, which shows one thing the couple prioritize about politics: their attraction to and respect for one another's intellect. Though Matalin then tacked on, he's frequently wrong, but that doesn't make him not a genius. And that kind of banter is actually a great illustration of one of the keys to keep the air between you and your partner clear when it comes to challenging topics. When possible, use humor, but don't hide behind it. It's got to be good-natured humor, not passive-aggressive jabs. Though

• 21:47Jay Shetty?

  Carville and Matalin trade barbs about politics, when it comes down to it, they keep a boundary. They don't try to change one another. And that actually gets to Dr. Seltzer's advice for what to do when you have ideological issues that aren't going to be resolved: agree to disagree. If it's something that's not going to negatively affect your relationship, that might be totally fine. Instead of it being a no-fly zone, it can simply be a neutral zone, a space where you can agree to respect the other's opinions and not try to change them. That's a lot different from just being angry and not talking about them. According to John Gottman, the marriage and family therapist I mentioned earlier, when we have what he calls a gridlocked perpetual problem, there are always underlying beliefs and agendas.

• 22:31Jay Shetty?

  We just touched on some of them, right? Maybe we're trying to protect our egos, we're afraid to be vulnerable and to change, or maybe we just never learned how to resolve issues. And that's what you need to get to the bottom of, to clear the air of no-fly zones and create the closeness and honesty between you and your partner. You've got to figure out what the deep, underlying issues are and focus on those rather than the surface problem. Because the no-fly zone issues often like icebergs. You see this issue that's visible above the waterline? Maybe it's your spouse's ex-wife, or maybe it's something about your money. But the real issue, what's truly driving it, is hidden. So let's get down to how to clear the air of these no-fly zones.

• 23:16Jay Shetty?

  Here are six steps to getting rid of the no-fly zones in your relationship. First, find out if your partner, your spouse, your boyfriend or girlfriend is willing to talk about the issue. Do they agree it's a no-fly zone? And are they willing to discuss it? They might not think it's a problem, or just not be willing to talk about it. Try to bring up the topic at a time when you're both calm. By the way, not while the kids are running around trashing the house, or while your partner is trying to respond to a work email. And again, try and bring it up from a space of centeredness and calm. Your partner might get defensive, they might deny there's an issue. And if they do, maybe they need some time to think about it. They might come back when they're ready and be willing to talk about it. But you can't clear a no-fly zone by yourself.

• 24:00Jay Shetty?

  You both have to be on board. And if your partner refuses to talk about the issue or acknowledges there's a problem, you need to decide if you can live with that. But I'll tell you this, whatever you do, don't create a no-fly zone with yourself. Don't downplay something that's actually important to you because you're afraid you'll lose the relationship. If it's important, it's important. And if your partner's not willing to engage about it, that really might mean it's time to rethink the relationship. But if they do agree, and hopefully they do, and are willing to talk about the issue, that's

• 24:33Speaker 01

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• 25:03Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company for me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and the Ravenette.

• 25:19Speaker 04

  What would happen if I stopped doing it? You're strong, you're freezing there, that's what.

• 25:23Speaker 03

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 25:27Speaker 04

  I'm not the first man.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  Digger, see the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R, under 17, out of middle without parent.

• 25:33Jay Shetty?

  Great.

• 25:35Jay Shetty?

  Step two, create a safe space for communication. We use that expression, let's get it all out on the table. Imagine people just dumping things out onto a dinner table, right? All of their baggage. How well does that go? When we're in the heat of an argument and we blurt something out, or we say it in a way we don't mean it, like it sounds angry or as an accusation. Now that you've agreed to address the issue, instead of just dumping it all out on the table, take the time to set the table. Find a quiet space and time where you can talk. Maybe on a weekend when work pressure is less, maybe after the kids are in bed, maybe even set the table literally with a nice breakfast or dinner. That's step two, set the table for a conversation. Sometimes a good conversation also occurs on a walk.

• 26:19Jay Shetty?

  When you're walking in the same direction, walking towards something together, it feels like you're moving together rather than sitting across the table from each other. Think about that. Step three is to frame the issue in a positive way. Instead of looking at it like you're taking sides against one another, frame the conversation as if it's you two together, right? You're a team. You might have heard me saying something like this before, right? If we come to the table as adversaries, we increase the likelihood that we'll fight. So instead, come to the table as a team that's taking on the problem together. If you see it as a win-lose situation, it means if you win, they lose, and if they win, you lose. But actually, in a relationship, you either choose to win together or you choose to lose together.

• 27:03Jay Shetty?

  There is no win-lose because actually, if the other person loses, you'll feel like you both have lost. And if you feel like you've won, you should both be winning. A related approach is to pretend that the two of you are offering counselling to another couple with the same problem. What would you advise them? Step four is to remember what's important. And you can even start the conversation this way or take a time out if things get heated. But remember what's most important in your relationship. Remember why you're together. Maybe even stop and list out three things you love about each other before you start. That can help diffuse the tension and again, remind each other that you're a team, that you're together for a reason, and that talking through tough issues is worth it. Step five is to listen.

• 27:47Jay Shetty?

  One of the co-founders of Harvard University's program on negotiation says, "The most successful negotiators listen far more than they talk." He also calls listening "the golden key that opens the door to human relationship." Forget about trying to prove your point. Instead, listen first, then go from there. When you listen, your partner is more likely to feel safe to be vulnerable with you. And together, you can get down to those deep ideas and beliefs that are underneath the surface. Yet, some of these topics can especially be complex or challenging. If you have trouble reaching resolution on your own, step six is to enlist the help of an objective third party

• 28:30Jay Shetty?

  to support you in working through the issue with your partner. Sometimes we wait too long for this step, and I would welcome it sooner if you need it. Ideally, it's not a friend or family member. You want someone who is truly objective and qualified, such as a therapist or a counsellor or a mediator or even a trusted spiritual or religious counsellor or advisor. It's healthy to get help, and again, it's worth it. So those are the six steps to resolve the no-fly zones in your relationships. Remember, the more you're willing to listen to your partner and to be honest and vulnerable with them, the more you increase the chances for long-term success and happiness in your relationship. Tag me on Instagram with your best insights from this episode. I can't wait to hear them. And thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.

• 29:15Jay Shetty?

  Share it with your friends, tell everyone about it, and I'm so, so grateful that you're with me on this journey. See you soon.

• 29:41Speaker 05

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd.

• 29:45Speaker 02

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all keep the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 29:51Speaker 03

  Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 29:57Speaker 04

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 30:05Speaker 04

  I'm not the first then.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.