Caller: “Tell My Church About My Secret Girlfriend?”

❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. On today’s episode, we hear about: A man worried about the consequences of his double life A man struggling to feel confident after losing 200 pounds A man wondering if it’s time to cut off his friends Next Steps: 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I'm an assistant pastor, but the problem is, is I haven't been living the life of spiritual integrity. I've been secretly hiding a relationship with my girlfriend for several years. Do I confess everything and kind of accept the consequences that come with it?

• 0:31Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think you want this job.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  Not really.

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John, The Dr. John Delone Show. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for sitting with us, talking about your relationships, your marriages, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you've got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. It's real people with real challenges. If you want to be on, click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on the show. Hey, if you have an Apple device, go to the Apple Store and/or the App Store, whatever. I don't know what the kids call it these days, but get the Together app. It's the best app on the planet for helping you transform your marriage into something that's good, into something that's incredible.

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  Or if it's kind of fallen off, slow, daily challenges that will bring you and your spouse back together. Go check it out. And Android folks, we're coming for you. We're coming for you. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Austin. Hey, Austin, what's up, brother?

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Hey, Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. I appreciate it.

• 1:41Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, man. What's up?

• 1:43Speaker 01

  So I'm an assistant pastor and my senior pastor's looking to step down soon. And they've unanimously decided, him and all the church, that I'm the best fit for the job. And the problem is, is I haven't been living the life of spiritual integrity. And I've been secretly hiding a relationship with my girlfriend, or we've been living together unmarried for several years. And so I'm getting to that point where he's wanting to finally hand it over to me, but I don't, I don't feel like I'm worthy of that spiritual leadership role.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  So my question to you is, is do I confess everything and kind of accept the consequences that come with it, even if it costs my ministry and deeply hurts the people that I love? And after living so many years without that integrity in my life, how do I become a man of integrity and character again?

• 2:44Dr. John Delony?

  How long's this been weighing on your brother?

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Probably like four or five years.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So you have a value set. You probably teach a value set, which compounds the angst, right? And this value set is, you don't sleep with somebody till you're married to them. You don't, you don't move in with somebody unless you're married to them. Whatever, whatever your value set is, and for years now, you've been living, teaching, espousing to be one thing in front of folks and being different off to the side, right?

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I have an even deeper question to ask you. And push back on me, okay?

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:36Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think you want this job.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  No, I, I, not really. I feel like that's, it's my calling in life. I feel like, you know, since I was a teenager, that's what I wanted to do. But, you know, I had a picture and how everything would go. And this is not kind of what I pictured, you know what I mean?

• 4:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but I had several things that I wanted to do. I, I, I mean, I just, I, is a whole other call. And it might be fun to grab a few drinks and get you and some of, some other pastors across the country to take apart this, this, it's madness to me, but this idea of calling. Instead of being able to say, and I, I do believe in calling and all that, but man, I think it is so, so, so rare. And I think what we do is we have an idea, something we like, something we want to do. And we're either nervous to say that that's what we want, or we're uncomfortable, like

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  we feel like we need extra justification for being excited about something. And if you label it as something that like the God of the cosmos is forcing you to do, right? You either surrender to that, or you fight it every step of the way. And like you mentioned, you're at a point now where you're not just going to hurt yourself, you're going to take everybody else down with you. All these folks that have been looking up to you and following your messages and making hard choices in their lives for all these years, they're going to go with you. Right? But I think some of that, I think all of it starts with you having the courage to say, I don't even want this job. When I was a teenager, I did.

• 5:28Dr. John Delony?

  I wanted, I liked the idea of this job. Which by the way, do you know what I thought my calling was when I was 18? To be a heavy metal singer. Right? Like, and now I'm a lame podcaster, right? So it's like, it, it for sure didn't work out. And so like, being able to let go of this thing I thought I wanted to do. So let me ask you this, do you think inherently, what you're doing, the way you live, when the lights are off, do you think you're wrong? Do you think you're a bad guy?

• 6:01Speaker 01

  I, I think, I feel like it, you know? I don't know if I think that I'm a total bad guy, but I feel like it.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  Then what is it about the allure of this relationship for years now, that has been more important than you being able to look yourself in the mirror and, and be a person of integrity? Forget the church part of it for now.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  I don't know. I, I love her and I think we, we mesh so well and.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  So why haven't you married her?

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Well, that's the issue is this kind of this, you know, this expectations I put on myself where I felt like she, well, I guess I should give a little backstory. She doesn't actually attend the church. And I've been kind of waiting to see, you know, at first she had interest in coming to the church and I thought this was going to be, oh yeah, she's going to start coming and then we're going to get married. And then she just never really started coming to church. And, and so that's kind of more or less why I haven't married her yet is, that's the only reason I want to.

• 7:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that, that's a huge reason, dude.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:24Dr. John Delony?

  Like you're talking, like if you listen to my show, you hear me say all the time, dude, couples believe different things all the time. And couples find joy in different things and fun and adventure in different things and different thing, like long-term married couples get upset about different things and not upset about different things. That's part of it. But it's very hard to make a relationship work that's not anchored, rooted in the same value set.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge with you is, you have lived up to the reason she doesn't go to church.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 8:05Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:06Dr. John Delony?

  And my, my fear for you is, yeah, so yes, to cut to the chase, you gotta come clean and be honest. It's going to cost you everything. And it's probably going to cost you a relationship too. But the alternative is, is to literally die from the inside out.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:31Dr. John Delony?

  Conflict deferred is conflict amplified. However big the explosion will be today, it's going to be bigger next year. It's going to be even bigger the year after that.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  I just don't know how to go about doing that, you know, I

• 9:02Dr. John Delony?

  I think it's a matter of reestablishing identity.

• 9:06Dr. John Delony?

  Cause right now, your identity is in the job title.

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  Your identity is in a woman that you say you love, and I believe you that you love her. But I think you especially love her comfort and you especially love her laughter and her like sexual and emotional intimacy. I think you love things about her.

• 9:31Dr. John Delony?

  Or you're not honest with yourself and saying, dude, I don't buy this whole church thing either.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:41Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 9:43Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you the last thing.

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  Even, and I would tell you this if, if you were one of my atheist friends. The last thing on earth a community of believers needs is yet another dishonest pastor.

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  And the last thing the world outside of a church community needs is to go, see, told you so.

• 10:12Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 10:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's been my primary, you know, um. What's killing me the most is I never thought I would be in this position, you know, I, I seen it all the time and you know, I thought that'd never be me, but you know, here I am.

• 10:30Dr. John Delony?

  There you are. And so I think reimagining your identity, not as I'm a pastor, I'm an associate pastor, and that comes with perks. You know it and I know it, right? And now I'm going to be the senior pastor, I'm going to be the boss. I'm going to be the spiritual director of all these people. And the administrative guy, and that's going to come with a salary increase, all that stuff.

• 10:53Dr. John Delony?

  Your new identity has to be, I'm a man who tells the truth.

• 11:00Dr. John Delony?

  And everything that you do in your life will stem from that. I'm a man who actually believes what I preach, and that means I got a hard road ahead of me. Making things right.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Absolutely, yeah. I think I knew that, it just, I needed to hear it, you know, I haven't really told this to anybody and.

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  I also think, and again.

• 11:35Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want to pile on deception, okay?

• 11:40Dr. John Delony?

  But I don't think that everybody needs to know every sort of detail of every situation in everyone's life.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:51Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you are having, like, yes, you are living a life outside of your church that is hypocritical of the way you teach other people to live, right?

• 12:04Dr. John Delony?

  That's like me having this show, and when I go home, I yell and scream and punch holes in my sheetrock and I, you know, I'm abusive, right? That would, that would be insane, right? And I think beneath that, you have to be honest about, do I even believe in this thing at all?

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that's an even bigger conversation.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  I mean, I definitely do. I mean,

• 12:36Speaker 01

  I just haven't been able to live up to it, you know?

• 12:40Dr. John Delony?

  Let's change that and say, I've, I've chosen to not live up to it, because I think you can.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:48Dr. John Delony?

  I think you can.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  But I, if, if I were you, and again, every church is different, every denomination is different, every, all that stuff is different, different, different, right? I don't know that you need to explain to everybody in some great confessional, as much as you can say, hey, I'm not interested in this job, and in fact, I'm not interested in being a pastor anymore, I'm going to resign.

• 13:20Dr. John Delony?

  And if there's some, some people that you trust that are, are mentors to you, that are, that are wisdom speakers to you, and you want to sit down and disclose the whole thing, that's fine, good.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Should I disclose that to my pastors? I mean, they're kind of my mentors.

• 13:42Dr. John Delony?

  That's up to you, brother.

• 13:47Dr. John Delony?

  But I, but I think the problem is you're going to conflate three or four different things at once. Number one, I don't want this job. I wanted so badly to want this job, I worked so hard for this job.

• 14:03Dr. John Delony?

  And also, I'm, I am living out of step in an egregious way with what I teach every week.

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm struggling with my own belief systems. And, man, this relationship I've got, there's parts of it that are awesome, but we are not anchored to the same center stone.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  Cause, cause reverse it, if she was to call me, if your girlfriend was to call me, I would tell her to run from you, simply because you're not a man that tells the truth.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:52Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 14:58Speaker 01

  I want to be.

• 14:59Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly, there you go.

• 15:07Dr. John Delony?

  Now, let's get like real brass tacks. What does this mean for you financially? What does this mean for you relationally?

• 15:16Speaker 01

  Well, financially, I have, I have a full-time job, it's not, I'm not reliant on the money I get there and you know, I would have a place to stay if, if, you know, my relationship were to, you know? But I don't know how it would be with me and my girlfriend, I, I know that my pastors would be very heartbroken and, and even if I weren't to explain to them, you know, every detail, but they would still, even if I just resigned and then, you know, they'd be very heartbroken about it and.

• 15:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I was, I'm wrong, I'm wrong. They have a right to know.

• 15:58Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, y'all can decide whether you want to make some big public announcement to your congregation, but no, you're, the, the folks who've been walking alongside you and mentoring you and teaching you, they have a right to know. I think that's fair.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:17Dr. John Delony?

  But I think the right thing is, I mean, not to be in that position, you and I were talking at the beginning of this week, not to be in this position by the end of the, by the time church rolls around on Sunday.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:34Dr. John Delony?

  And then whether you have to put something on your mirror in your bathroom, whether you've got to get it tattooed on your wrist, or you've got to put on your screensaver on your phone, like everywhere you can, you're going to practice, but man, you're not just going to practice lightly, you're going to practice hard.

• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  Identity statement, number one, I'm a man who tells the truth.

• 17:03Dr. John Delony?

  To yourself, to your employers, to this girl you've been with for a long time.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  I can do that, yeah.

• 17:17Dr. John Delony?

  And if she will only be with you, if she talks you out of a key value in your life, I'm going to tell you right now, man, there'll, there'll be a day of reckoning for that relationship.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:35Dr. John Delony?

  I hate that you found yourself here, man, but I'm also, I'm grateful that you called. It's a brave call to make, man.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was, it's tough.

• 17:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  It's tough, but I'm gonna be a man who tells the truth. Thank you.

• 17:50Dr. John Delony?

  There you go, brother.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  That's what I'm gonna do.

• 17:53Dr. John Delony?

  Today's day one. I'm a man who tells the truth, no matter what it costs.

• 17:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I have to know that doing the right thing is always the right thing.

• 18:05Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, my man. Best of luck to you, brother. We come back, a man asks how to rebuild his self-worth after a major weight loss instead of relying on others. Validation. We'll be right back.

• 18:19Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying.

• 18:58Dr. John Delony?

  They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness, it's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash Deloney.

• 19:35Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days, right? About three months? What could you start doing right now that would transform your life? You could start getting in shape, exercising, you could start losing that weight that's been bothering you forever. You could transform your marriage by just being kinder to each other on a daily basis, right? You could play games with your kids and change your relationship with them. You can do so much in 90 days that will transform your life. And this is why I want you to try Hallow for free for 90 days. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. Hallow helps me anchor myself in a faith practice that helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters in my life

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

  before the world comes at me a billion miles an hour. Hallow is gonna give you this app for 90 days for free for you to do the same, helping you to build a habit of reflection and prayer. Hallow is simple and it's guided and it meets you wherever you are to help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series. I want you to ask yourself, who do you want to be 90 days from now? If you want more peace, if you want to be more grounded in your faith, I want you to give Hallow a try. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney. That's three months for free at hallow.com/deloney.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Missoula, Montana and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up, man?

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Hey, how's it going today?

• 21:05Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you?

• 21:07Speaker 02

  I'm doing all right.

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, the essence of my question is, uh, how do I stop seeing myself through the eyes of the 400-pound man that I used to be without losing the drive that got me here?

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, so, uh, tell me about what's happened.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, so, uh, brief notes, I went through a divorce with children back in 2022 or 2023, and 10 days later went in for, uh, bariatric surgery. And it was a year of a lot of work to get up to the point of getting approved to have that. At that point, I think I was close to 385 pounds. And, uh, since then, I've completely changed my life, uh, did it for my kids, and I'm currently at 180.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Wow.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:59Dr. John Delony?

  180 pounds, man.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  And it's hard not, uh, you get very used to being that big, walking into every room, and the room notices you.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  So what have you, tell me what you're experiencing now that you wish was different.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  Uh, I can't, I can't let myself have a victory. Um, I'm always moving the goalpost before I ever get there. So, I mean, there was a day where I was like, man, if I ever get under 300 pounds, I'll be happier than 250 and under 200, and now I'm 180, and I think 160 is the next spot. And I look in the mirror and I see loose skin and I see all the negatives, despite the hard work I do in the gym. I'm lifting probably four to six times a week.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  Um, so I've completely changed my physique, but I just can't see it the way other people can.

• 22:58Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's the old, I mean, it's the old, uh, I mean, it's a trope, but it's super true.

• 23:06Dr. John Delony?

  That you lost 200 pounds, which is extraordinary, and you went with you.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right? All those insecurities and all that frustration and all of that, I'm not enough and all of that, like, because at some point, eating, right? Eating, it served a role in your life. It was a numbing agent, and now the gym is a numbing agent. It's a healthier one for sure, but it's still a numbing agent, right?

• 23:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:32Dr. John Delony?

  Um, if you, and you've probably heard me say this a lot on the show, it's from the great Sal DiStefano of the Mind Pump Gang. Um, but like, if you go to the gym six days a week, the world will celebrate you. But if you go thinking, I'm a piece of crap and I have to do this, is it what I get? Man, that's a ghost that you will chase forever. So what is it that you don't like about yourself?

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Uh, um, I guess I'm still, there's a part of me that's angry at who I was for putting me through that.

• 24:09Dr. John Delony?

  When did you start, when did the, the weight gain start excessively? Like, when did it start accelerating on you?

• 24:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm, I've always been heavier.

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Um, but I would say probably from like 2019 to 2022 was where I really went off the deep end.

• 24:28Dr. John Delony?

  What was going on in your life there? It sounds like your marriage was in a tough place.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, a tougher place than I had realized at the time.

• 24:35Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  It was, it was kind of an emotionally void marriage. Um, I was the only one that was very invested in anything.

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Um, and I, I mean, I, I look back to my, who I was back at that point, and I wouldn't want to be married to me either. Like, who wants, you know?

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all, y'all, together, y'all built a pretty crappy house.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Very much the roommate syndrome.

• 25:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, totally. Um,

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, we, we could go spelunky and go through all the way back to when you were a kid, but the, the reality is other people's stories about us over time become our stories about us.

• 25:20Dr. John Delony?

  And however these stories landed in the middle of your heart and mind, they're here. And the challenge as an adult is either, the two paths we're normally given in society is to blame, spend the rest of our life blaming.

• 25:39Dr. John Delony?

  And after the initial blame, I'm, I'm beginning to believe that continued blame on the past is just an act of cowardice. Like, it's, it's unhelpful moving forward.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 25:50Dr. John Delony?

  It'll, it gives you permission to just sit and make increasingly unhealthy or unhelpful or hurtful decisions. And to say, but yeah, they did this, whoever they is, and whatever they did at some previous iteration, right? Or we're taught to ignore all stories, all voices, all the time. You know, screw your feelings, forget it all, just power through. Both of those will kill you.

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  And so the, the emotional maturity is, I'm responsible for the stories that begin now.

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  And for you, at some point, you have to be honest and say, I needed to not just lose the weight for my kids, I needed to lose the weight for me. Because I'm worth being a guy that feels good in his own skin.

• 26:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm worth being a guy who laughs a lot, who has a good time.

• 26:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna write 2019 me a letter, I'm gonna write 2022 me a letter, and I'm gonna tell that guy I'm pretty pissed off. But I'm also gonna tell him how hard I worked and who I've become since then. I'm gonna let that guy off the hook, and I'm gonna move on with my life.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  You hear what I'm saying?

• 27:07Speaker 02

  I do, yeah. That makes sense.

• 27:08Dr. John Delony?

  And something I hear from a lot of folks who've always been the heavy person in a room since they were little is there is an innate anger. There's a, there's a, it becomes rage.

• 27:20Dr. John Delony?

  Because they've been looked at.

• 27:21Speaker 02

  Like, fuel.

• 27:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it, but it, but anger's a good thing, but man, if it takes over, dude, it will take everything from you.

• 27:32Dr. John Delony?

  Or as they say in AA, it's like waking up every day and drinking poison, hoping that other people die.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  But the only, but you've got, you've got to say, you know what? Actually, I lost weight for me.

• 27:49Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 27:49Dr. John Delony?

  And yes, my kids deserve a dad who likes himself. My kids deserve a dad who can play with them, can roll around on the floor, that they have a model of what hard work looks like. Like, a, a cool thing you've done is your kids, you've, you've taken away some pretty extraordinary excuses for your kids. Because one day, they're gonna be faced with interpersonal challenges, and they're gonna be able to say, well, actually, my dad lost 200 pounds. Like, I've, I have a, I have a vivid image in my mind of what hard work costs and what hard work, the fruit hard work yields.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right? You've given them.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is. And it's, it's crazy. Like, my kids are very young. I've got a six and a three-year-old. And they see pictures of me holding them before and don't believe me when I tell them that's me.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. That's awesome.

• 28:40Dr. John Delony?

  But the thing I want to give them now, other than a skinny dad, is I want them, to give them a dad who's got peace inside his rib cage.

• 28:57Speaker 02

  So, part of the fear for me is, uh, I worry that if I let off the gas, I've, I've seen, I follow a lot of support groups, as you do for this kind of stuff, uh, and you see it every day that people will just, they let off the gas and go right back to where they started.

• 29:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a pretty, that's a, that's, well, there's, I mean, there's, there's multiple tracks there. Number one, yeah, that's true. But there's a difference between intensity and intentionality. And there's also a, a dramatic difference in why I'm doing something.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:33Dr. John Delony?

  Because if you're intense, trying to run away from those voices that tell you, you're still a piece of crap, you're a loser, like, of course, your wife left you, of course, she didn't want to be around you because you, like, if you, if that's your narrative all day, every day, 24/7, 365.

• 29:51Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:52Dr. John Delony?

  That's not a healthy intensity. That's not a healthy, put your foot on the gas. That is putting your foot on the gas, like, to try to get away from something. And that's gonna lead you to a car wreck.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  But slamming the gas down to get somewhere that you can't wait to get to, man, that's awesome. Then you don't have to go quite so fast. You can go pretty fast. You get what I'm saying?

• 30:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely. It's a completely different perspective than I've ever, uh, viewed it through.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  But if you wake up every day and smile, and you're like, dude, I get an hour, cuz I'm a badass. I get an hour to devote to me so that, for the other 23 hours in this day, everyone who loves me, and that I've committed to, whether it's my workplace, my kids, my ex-wife, of being a good co-parent, of my new girlfriend, whatever, I get an hour to fill my pitcher completely to the top, so that everybody else in my life can anchor to me. Game on, baby. You, dude, you'll do that the rest of your life, cuz it's got a purpose. You're in service to yourself so that you can be in service to everybody

• 31:14Dr. John Delony?

  else. But if you wake up every day and you're like, ugh, and you just feel your loose skin, and you're like, I'm disgusting, I, I went from one type of disgusting to another disgusting, so I better get my disgusting ass out of bed and go to the gym, and, like, dude, I'm telling you, man, that will run out.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not sustainable.

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  No. Self-hatred is a terrible jet fuel. It burns real hot, real fast, but it goes quick.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:47Dr. John Delony?

  The only way I've seen this thing transition over time is, at some point, moving from being around people who are scarcity-minded, if you stop, it's all cut, right? Like, if you hang out with folks, um, who are in recovery, the first 60 days, 90 days, even up to a year, it's real scarcity-minded, the whole conversation. If you drink, you die, over and over and over. If you're around people who drink, you die, like, right? It, it's pretty nihilistic. But once you get past that, and you begin to get your feet underneath you, and you begin to deal with why I was drinking in the first place, all those things,

• 32:29Dr. John Delony?

  then you begin to transition into, look at this crazy, wild, fun life I can live. What do you do for fun, dude?

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Um, uh, not a ton right now. I mean, when hunting season comes around, I spend a lot of time in the mountains.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you, that's awesome. And this'll be the first year you can keep, like, get up and down the mountains, right?

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I can go anywhere that I wanna go now.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  That's amazing. Do you have, do you have guys that you do that with?

• 33:01Speaker 02

  I do, yeah. I've got a pretty good, uh, group of friends.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome. So, what I want you to begin to do is to say, okay, what kind of wild, fun adventures do I wanna have in my life, on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, on a yearly basis? I wanna begin to inject fun into my life. Because, dude, let's be honest, life is miserable. It's hard. I mean, just read the news. It's the worst. Go to the gas station right now. It's madness. Go try to buy cheese. I mean, it's just, life sucks, right?

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:34Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it's my responsibility to create margin and to inject life and laughter and warmth and joy and relationships into that margin wherever I can.

• 33:45Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  Not what you do is, you create margin and then you inject self-loathing, more judgment, more judgment, more self-reflection that's negative. You, you get what I'm saying?

• 34:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's gonna be a rewiring of the way I think, which, not the first time I've had to do it.

• 34:07Dr. John Delony?

  But, but, but can we not approach it as a rewire? Because when I think of a rewire, I think of somebody throwing open the hood of, of, like, of, uh, of a car, and you got a cigarette dangling, dangling out of your mouth, and you're in a bad mood, and it's hot, and you're like, I gotta rewire. Or, you're in Montana, so it's freezing cold, and you're hoping there's a heater in the, in the, right, in the garage. Instead of thinking as, thinking of it as a rewire, like, another project to fix me, I don't

• 34:39Dr. John Delony?

  think you're broken, brother. I think the project is, like, a, um, man, for lack of better terms, it's a healing.

• 34:54Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:55Dr. John Delony?

  There's a gentleness to it. There's a compassion to it. There's a gratitude to it. Waking up every day and writing in a little notebook by your bed, here's five awesome things I get to do today. And it might be walking, it might be breathing, it might be, I get breakfast, I got a job, I got, I got food in my fridge. It might be a date you're going on, it might be the day before you go out on a big elk hunt in Montana, like, but begin to rewire your default, rewire, I just said it, begin to, um, heal your default setting. And right now, your default setting is, you're a piece of crap. And if

• 35:38Dr. John Delony?

  every day I practice gratitude, if every day I surround myself with other people in my life that bring me joy, if every day I am taking care of myself, not cuz I'm a fat piece of crap, but because, dude, I'm pretty great, and I've done some hard things in my life, and I've screwed up in things, like we all have, there's some things I'd go do differently, of course. But the only thing I can change is what happens right now and what happens tomorrow. So, I'm, I'm gonna be about that. There's, you, you understand? There's a lightness to it.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, it has a different feel to it.

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And the actions, the going to the gym, that may all be the exact same. It's the, it's the intentionality with which I'm doing those things. And then here's where you'll get yourself, okay? And, and, like, I've never lost 200 pounds, dude, I'm in awe of you. However pathologically you got there, I'm in awe of you. What you have done is a staggering achievement, okay?

• 36:33Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 36:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's extraordinary. And I spent, I've, I've worked out since I was 11, right? Since sixth grade football, right? And so, I've got a lifelong history with disordered eating. I've got a lifelong history with this constant voice, you piece of crap, get in the gym, get in the gym, get in the gym. And I'll tell you where I am now. Now I work out as much, if not more, than I ever have. And also, this morning, I cut my workout a little bit short so I could have breakfast with my daughter.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:09Dr. John Delony?

  And we laughed. Because now I'm not just building, I'm not running from demons, but now I'm trying to build an awesome life. You get what I'm saying?

• 37:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, it's like, living it through, it's why we, why I do it.

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. What's, what's?

• 37:27Speaker 02

  To have those moments.

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, what's the point? And, let's take some action. If you want to be, like, you know what? I'm gonna start a fund. I'm gonna start a sinking fund, and it might just be, I got 10 extra bucks, or I might have 100 extra bucks. But over the next two or three years, I'm gonna save up the money and get skin surgery. I'm gonna do that. I have a close friend who, I have a close friend who went through that, and man, it transformed her life.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a, I actually was fortunate enough that insurance helped me. I did get the stomach skin removal surgery done.

• 38:00Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  Two years ago.

• 38:01Dr. John Delony?

  Had that, did you like what happened? Like the results?

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

• 38:06Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  I mean, completely life-changing.

• 38:08Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome. So, so here's the deal. The, the path is I'm gonna practice curiosity, compassion, I'm gonna practice changing the narrative in my head. And that means five things I, when I wake up, five things before I go to bed, that I'm grateful for, that I'm happy for, that I'm joyful about. And I'm gonna have a thing on the calendar once a week where I go to dinner, or go grab coffee with one buddy, two buddies, five buddies. I'm gonna have a big elk hunting trip on the calendar every year. I'm gonna have whitetail hunting on the calendar. I'm gonna do the things that I love to do, and then I'm gonna start bringing my kids along with me, because they're gonna get to experience, not just the thing, they're gonna get to experience their dad who's got a lot of joy. And I'm

• 38:53Dr. John Delony?

  just speaking statistically, so I'm not trying to put anything into the universe, but statistically speaking, often folks who get morbidly obese, which if you're up to 400 pounds, like, that's, that's, that's, that's there. Statistically speaking, there's often a high likelihood that there was some sort of abuse, there was some sort of adverse childhood experiences. And if that's the case in your situation, only you do finally go sit down with a trauma therapist and begin to dig into it. Let's, let's set that stuff down, too. That's additional weight that we're going to set down and stop carrying every moment of our life. And often, those historical issues, man, they become the baggage that make it really hard to change

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  our internal narratives. You're worth that work, man. So, congratulations, brother. I'm proud of you. Proud of you. Now, you've done the physical challenge, the physical change, physical transformation, and now we're gonna go with the emotional and spiritual transformation. You're a guy worth feeling good. You're a guy worth laughing. You're a guy worth making the next right, great decision for you, for your kids, and for the family of yours that's to come. Blessings, good man. Congratulations. When we come back, a man asks how to end long-term friendships that no longer align with his values. We'll be right back.

• 40:17Dr. John Delony?

  When it comes to supplements, there's one main company that I trust, Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago, and Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family. You probably don't know this, but supplements are an unregulated industry, largely unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage, and nonsense, and false promises. Most companies cut corners. They even lie on their labels about what's inside the actual capsule, or pill, or gummy that you're taking. Thorne doesn't do that. Thorne makes every product at their world-class facility in South Carolina. Thirty-five percent of Thorne's employees work in quality control,

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  and Thorne rejects up to 15% of raw materials, because good enough is not how Thorne rolls. Thorne rolls with perfection. It's why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorne, and that's why I trust them, too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Stop filling your body with nonsense that it doesn't need or want. Go to thorne.com/theletteru/deloney and get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's T-H-O-R-N-E, thorne.com/theletteru/deloney. All right, hey, listen, when was the last time you and your spouse got away? Just the

• 41:42Dr. John Delony?

  two of you, no kids, no phones, no work, no distractions. Y'all got away and remembered that y'all are still friends. Y'all begin imagining what it would be like to rebuild an extraordinary marriage, whether yours is like on the edge of coming apart, or whether it's pretty great, and you guys wanna control alt delete it and build something extraordinary. Listen, me and my friend Rachel Cruz have created the greatest marriage getaway on the planet. It's called Money and Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville, filled with practical teachings, tons of live Q and A. We interact with everybody. We're in and out all the time, honest conversations. As you can imagine from the show, like, I don't

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  mince words. We talk about everything. Money, sex, kids, communication, how to fight and come back together. We talk about all of it. And this year specifically, we're giving people a brand-new toolkit to walk out of there and begin working, like, right away, on building the marriage that you guys want, the, the best marriage possible. So, join me and Rachel Cruz, October 22nd through 24th. Every year, this sells out, every time. So, get your tickets as soon as you can. Prices will go up September 10th, so get them ASAP. Get your tickets today at rainbysolutions.com/events, or click the link in the show notes and see if there's any tickets left. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia, and talk to Mark.

• 43:06Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, Mark, what's up, man?

• 43:08Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John, how you doing today?

• 43:09Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, my man. What's up?

• 43:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, I'm a longtime listener, and so much advice that I've gained from your show, especially with my marriage. But I've never really felt like I've heard a question like this asked. So, my question is, how do I navigate losing friendships as I get older, kind of with people who, I guess, don't match my values? And I'm talking about male friends, because I feel like I don't hear a lot of questions about kind of men and their male friendships. You know, it's a lot of marriage stuff.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, how old are you?

• 43:46Speaker 02

  So, I am 31.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, tell me about some friendships that you're buttoning up against value systems, and things are just different than they used to be.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's kind of, you know, weird feeling like, you know, I use the term value, and a lot of it is some kind of like, simple stuff, like, you know, just not really valuing the respect that, you know, two friends I have, kind of, that they value, like, their respect. I'm kind of stuttering all over the place, but, um, talking behind each other's backs, or, you know, kind of things like that, or silent treatment. And, you know, I got married last year, and, you know, I chose to take one of those friends and not put them in my wedding. And I've known them for 10-plus years, but, you know, like, their wife doesn't really like me, and they don't invite me over. They don't kind of reciprocate

• 44:41Speaker 02

  the generosity that my wife and I give them. And it's like, I make those decisions, but now I'm regretting it.

• 44:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're regretting generosity, or you're regretting not putting them in your wedding?

• 44:55Speaker 02

  I'm regretting not really having them so much in my life anymore. And I feel like maybe, like, maybe I'm billing, being like, I guess, silly about it? Does that make sense? Kind of, like, these aren't major, you know, choices. It's not like they do drugs, or, you know, they've done major things to harm me. It's just like, I feel like I wonder if I'm being petty, because it's like, I think about, you know, not being invited to places, or, you know, talking behind my back. And it's like, I'm a guy, like, I should probably get over that, right?

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  No. No. Male friendships are sacred, brother. They're sacred. They are wired into us. We're tribal creatures, and knowing there's a guy on my right and a guy on my left that's ready to take on the world, that's, that's wired into us. And so, losing those things is painful. It hurts. And this, this false macho culture we've created is so stupid

• 46:14Dr. John Delony?

  that we're not allowed to say out loud, "I'm lonely. I miss my old gang." Right?

• 46:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I have so many great male friends around me that, you know, I love, and, you know, these two friendships in particular, it's just, and they're separate friendships, but, you know, it just kind of hurts, because, you know, like, I got one friend who, it's been multiple times, I've, he's, you know, made up things about me, and it's kind of just like petty, and it's like, but he doesn't think it's a problem. And like, he'll ask me to hang out, and like, I'll still casually talk to him, but it's like, I'll get the texts, and I'm like, man, I really don't want to associate with this person anymore. But then they'll text me, and I'm like, gosh, I gotta get over it. Like, how like, how silly am I? And it's like, I've kind of started grappling with that over the last six months, and...

• 47:08Dr. John Delony?

  The only thing silly, the only thing silly I'm hearing is that you feel peer pressured to not own what you think is important. I'm not hanging out with people who regularly talk crap about me behind my back. No way. Life's too short, man. I know too many great men. They'll make fun of me behind my back, which I think's hilarious, and they should, because I do stupid stuff, and I have weird proclivities. But like, if you're gonna like, if you're gonna be dishonoring, if you're gonna lie about me, if you're gonna make integrity statements about me, dude, yeah, I'm moving on with my life. The only thing

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  I think silly here is that you believe that, and you feel that, yet you feel some sort of weird pressure to keep something going that you have no interest in keeping going.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, and that's what I think I'm, I battle with, because I'm like, I'm kind of like, content with setting these boundaries. And I really like, kind of hearing you over the last, I've been a listener over the last six months is when I found you. And you say protecting your peace, and I love that, especially my marriage. And my wife and I will listen to the show and kind of protect each other's peace, I think, in a really good way. But when it comes to like, these two male friendships, I like, for some reason, I'm like, oh, protect your peace. And then like, I'm like, like you said, I'm kind of like, I feel peer pressured against myself, and I don't really know why.

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but your, your main, your main pain point here is that you're not keeping your promises to yourself. That's who you're really upset with here.

• 48:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:53Dr. John Delony?

  You hear what I'm saying? Like, and by the way, protecting your peace, like solving for peace, that often takes a lot of discomfort to get there, right? So like, let me give you an example. I've got buddies that, man, they're not people I want around my kids. Let me put it that way. Okay? And part of being at peace, solving for peace is preserving 20, 30, 40 year friendships. And doing it in a way that honors who I am now, the responsibilities that I have in my life,

• 49:35Dr. John Delony?

  which are to my wife and to my kids and to my career, right? I can't hang out with some of them because I don't want to go to jail, right? And also, there's an honoring to it. They've been in my life for getting on half a century. That's crazy, right? And so like finding peace is not always, every, every step of the way isn't always peaceful. And sometimes solving for peace is like, yeah, like I get a text once a year. That's cool, man. It's funny. Remember the old times? We don't really hang out.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  We have different lives, different worlds, and there's a bum, there's a bummer effect to that. You know what I mean? And I think the thing I, I'll tell you, like I, my youngest, like I had a magical childhood when it came to friendships. I had a magical college experience when it came to friendships. And I'm going to be honest with you, I've had a magical adulthood when it comes to friendships. I just have. I've gotten super fortunate in some things, like just got dropped on a street, got dropped in a dorm. And also, guys like Trevor and Todd and Mitch and Craig, those guys taught me how to, in Christian, they taught me how to be friends. It was a skill set, right? And so like I've become better at being a friend and cultivating friendships over time.

• 50:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so all that to say, I think the thing I lament the most is things, like time keeps marching on. It's almost less about the person that's not in my life anymore and more about the carefree life that we had at one point. You get what I'm saying?

• 51:14Speaker 02

  I do. And that's what I think, as you described that, like one text a year, you kind of laugh and you respond. And then, and I know like, I guess that's why I felt like compelled to write in was because I feel like that's the joke about guys, right? And their friends, like we could not see each other for eight months. We see each other at the bar. We can talk, we can shoot the crap like we've known each other for years and talk every day. And that's kind of like a guy thing. And so I think that, you know, kind of rattles around my brain. And like I look at these two particular friendships and it's like, I get hurt when I'm not involved in things in their lives anymore, but I set those boundaries. But I'm not, like you said earlier, I'm not, it's like, I feel like I'm not accepting what I've set and I'm struggling with that. And maybe it's just.

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  It's not a matter of accepting what you've set because there's two parts to it. I have to accept what I set and I've got to go be about finding new friends to hang out with.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  And that's the, that's the bummer part, right? Because you wouldn't be in that situation if your friends were people of integrity.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  You're right.

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  Not by your hand, but in your lap. Like, so it's not just, I, I'm making a hard call and I'm just going to have to accept it. I got to sit here with my, on my thumbs and just make myself be happy. That's not how that works. There's a second part to it, which is, man, I gotta begin to create a new life where me and my wife have new friends. And it's, by the way, you're in a season right now that's super common. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, but it's super common when just people start to grow up and grow apart. They marry somebody and their wife doesn't like you. That's a bummer, right? You know what I mean? Because like I, I remember, I remember in high school and in college and beyond, like my buddies'

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  girlfriends, the long-term girlfriends, they were every bit as much in our gang as anybody else.

• 53:07Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 53:08Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? And so like, I remember like, dude, why can't you just, why can't you marry somebody like you used to date, right? I've had that conversation a bunch, right? But like, and I would never say that. I had that conversation with myself. But like, that's part of it. And it was a shock to me that my wife wouldn't just love all the guys I was hanging out with.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's true.

• 53:30Dr. John Delony?

  And she would be like, no, they're not safe, right? And that she was right. And also some of them she loved like brothers and still does, right? And so part of that is just a bummer. Then somebody's going to have a kid, then somebody's going to get divorced, someone's going to get transferred across the country or take a new job. Somebody is going to find out, y'all are all going to have kids and then one of them's going to be a Cub Scout dad. And then one of them's going to be a Little League dad. And then the other one's going to be like, uh, let's play video games together dad. And you're going to realize, oh, we do this differently than, we thought we had everything lined up and we, we have way different values. You know what I mean?

• 54:11Speaker 02

  No, it's just, it's, it's, it's a super, I think, like you said, it's getting to that age and it's just like, you know, one of my friends isn't, still feels like he acts like he does in high school. And it's like, I think we're all more mature. It's like he's talking about this and talking smack about this. And then another friend too, like I said, is, I think his wife really cares for me and, you know, has not been included in their lives. And it's just like, it's just like I said earlier, I hate to repeat it, it's just like this internal struggle. It's like, I'm a guy, get over it.

• 54:40Dr. John Delony?

  It's grief. It's grief. Just be sad. Be sad.

• 54:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. Thank you, Dr. Don.

• 54:45Dr. John Delony?

  Like grieve what it was and then be about, here's what I'm going to go do next. I gotta get another gang of right or die friends. And what's wild is you're going to meet people at 30. And then you're going to get into your late 40s like I am, and you're going to realize, oh dude, I got 20 year friends. No way. You know what I mean? And it, it will happen. And it would be cool if you have your 40 year old friends from elementary school. That'd be awesome. Super, super rare. I can't, I consider myself one of the luckiest men alive. Cause I met an amazing wife and I've got two healthy kids and I've got friendships that span

• 55:27Dr. John Delony?

  my entire, like I consider myself a lucky, lucky, lucky guy. And that's not everybody's experience. But yes, you're not, guys are not supposed to, are not immune to missing friends. That's a nonsense and silly. You're supposed to be sad if you don't have men in your life that you used to rely on, that you can no longer rely on. That's supposed to hurt, it's supposed to be painful. And you gotta be about the business of, all right, I gotta go find some new men in my life. And that, my brother, is an awkward experience. That's for another call. Thank you, my brother. We'll be right back. Nobody wants to talk about dying. I get it. It's not a good topic to talk about.

• 56:11Dr. John Delony?

  And it's why so many of us avoid talking about life insurance. None of us want to imagine a world where we're not here anymore. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance is not really for you. It's protection for the people you love and who love and count on you. And I recommend term life insurance from Zander Insurance. I've been using Zander Insurance for most of my adult life, long before I had a podcast. Why? Because I trust them. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is financial stress on top of deep grief. Worrying about how you're going to keep the lights on, how they're going to pay the mortgage, how they're going to keep the kids in school. All of this should be handled ahead of time.

• 56:53Dr. John Delony?

  Term life insurance can take care of all of this for your family so they can focus on grief and rebuilding their life instead of focusing on worry and fear. Xander makes the insurance process buying simple. Their team shops top rated companies for you and they'll help you understand your options in plain language and help you find coverage that fits your budget and your family without pressure, gimmicks or confusion. You don't need another sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Xander's got you. Click the link in the description or go to xander.com to get a quote today. That's xander with a Z.com. All right, we're back. Kelly's got her, I was going to say, it's good to see you, Kelly.

• 57:38Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, clearly that's what you were going to say. No, so I want to talk about Friday night. We had our annual Battle of the Bands. And John's band.

• 57:52Dr. John Delony?

  We played a total dedication to Kelly's set.

• 57:55Speaker 03

  Oh, it was seriously, it was by far the most, there was only a couple of songs you could have included and you tried.

• 58:02Dr. John Delony?

  I tried.

• 58:03Speaker 03

  You did.

• 58:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. They got vetoed by.

• 58:05Speaker 03

  They got vetoed, but they made it to the finals. And I think it's safe to say came in second.

• 58:12Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, wouldn't even say that. We didn't, we didn't win.

• 58:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 58:15Dr. John Delony?

  The boy band crushed.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  They really did. And I don't want to admit that because I'm not a boy band person.

• 58:20Dr. John Delony?

  No, they were incredible.

• 58:20Speaker 03

  But they really were.

• 58:21Dr. John Delony?

  And the disco band, incredible.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh. Yeah. That girl that, so for those that don't know, Battle of the Bands is Ramsey, all Ramsey team members.

• 58:31Dr. John Delony?

  There's a thousand team members here. And everybody comes to Nashville to try to make it in the music industry. And then they need health insurance and a paycheck. And so then they get a job in media, so they come work here.

• 58:43Speaker 03

  And you have no idea that like the person sitting next to you was a touring guitar player, you know, for years or something like that. It's, it's pretty insane.

• 58:51Dr. John Delony?

  They're everywhere here. It's wild.

• 58:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. You, and you just, I mean, there was a band that played Slipknot and our company attorney was the drummer.

• 59:01Dr. John Delony?

  That was so great, man.

• 59:02Speaker 03

  I looked up and I was like, what is happening right now? So it's a huge event.

• 59:06Dr. John Delony?

  I'll say this, the woman Reagan, the disco singer. I think I've heard her say seven words in my life.

• 59:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, she was the one that, there's always somebody that like is new.

• 59:17Dr. John Delony?

  She's quiet.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  And that nobody knows what they do and then they come out and everyone just freaks out and she was amazing.

• 59:23Dr. John Delony?

  With it, she was, she sang for less than one minute and my wife texted me, "They won." Just because of her sheer, she's a dynamic powerhouse.

• 59:34Speaker 03

  Oh, and her sheer stage performance and, I mean, plus it's disco, it's fun.

• 59:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  You know, you're out there dancing to Dancing Queen.

• 59:42Dr. John Delony?

  But on my bingo card of losing to a disco band and a boy band, that wasn't how I drew that up. But we, I'll say this, I feel as good about that rock and roll performance as I ever have.

• 59:56Speaker 03

  Um, it was by far, and I've, this is my 14th Battle of the Bands and so my, my, I've been through every one of them with you and with this iteration of band that you're in, I've been through every single one of them. By far the best.

• 1:00:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that was fun.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  And I, Ricosi and I danced our rear ends off. And had the most fun and I'm gonna put a couple of pictures, because I posted some pictures. So I'm gonna include them on this, if you're watching on YouTube, you'll see those. It was so much fun. I think it was the most fun I've had with y'all.

• 1:00:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that was a blast. Playing old Guns N' Roses and Metallica and old 80's metal hits.

• 1:00:37Speaker 03

  Oh, when you started on Enter Sandman?

• 1:00:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, and I'll say this, this is the first year, I was like, hey, what if? What if I got two guitarists that actually knew how to play, not, that weren't me. The other guitarists I played with, everybody knows how to play, everybody's incredible. But the two guys that joined our band this year are extraordinary and it just made, like, oh, no way. That's, okay.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  Yes, and we, we need to point out Ben, poor Ben, who, you know, is our typically works where, where Joe is right now. Ben had to have surgery on his back.

• 1:01:15Dr. John Delony?

  Like, almost a, basically emergency surgery.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, about a year ago, Ben started having back problems and it was a bulging disc and then it's turned it into like two herniated discs. It was a big deal and bless his heart.

• 1:01:25Dr. John Delony?

  Him walking through the lobby was like someone shot him.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was pretty bad. He was in a huge amount of pain and they, they scheduled surgery for the day prior to Battle of the Bands.

• 1:01:35Dr. John Delony?

  Which I thought he would have shown up appropriately for that era of music, for 80's metal music.

• 1:01:43Speaker 03

  High as a kite.

• 1:01:43Dr. John Delony?

  High as a kite and would have been perfect, but he said, the doctor recommended against it, so whatever.

• 1:01:50Speaker 03

  Good news is, he's already feeling better.

• 1:01:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, he said he walked out.

• 1:01:53Speaker 03

  He walked out and he said the pain was gone. So we're, yeah, he'll be back in a couple of weeks and we're very thrilled for that. But it was very sad that he had to miss, so I was texting with him during Battle of the Bands, because they got him linked.

• 1:02:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:03Speaker 03

  So he was able to watch it live. So he and I were texting during the whole thing.

• 1:02:06Dr. John Delony?

  He was texting us live too.

• 1:02:07Speaker 03

  He said, "Should I feel concerned that this is the best they've ever been?" Because he wasn't there.

• 1:02:11Dr. John Delony?

  He wasn't there, yeah.

• 1:02:12Speaker 03

  So, but we all know that Ben just would have added to it.

• 1:02:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, it would have been awesome.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  But it was so much fun.

• 1:02:17Dr. John Delony?

  No, I appreciate it. It was fun. It was fun seeing you on the front row.

• 1:02:20Speaker 03

  Although, one thing, one complaint.

• 1:02:24Dr. John Delony?

  As always, you have a complaint. What is it?

• 1:02:25Speaker 03

  Well, because John from Stage called me the oldest person in the room.

• 1:02:29Dr. John Delony?

  I said, "I'd like to dedicate this song to Kelly."

• 1:02:33Speaker 03

  The oldest person in the room.

• 1:02:35Speaker 04

  The oldest one in the audience.

• 1:02:38Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't think people heard it. I don't know, I watched it back on YouTube, I was like, oh, that was pretty clear.

• 1:02:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, everybody heard that.

• 1:02:42Dr. John Delony?

  That was pretty clear. Yeah. Love you guys, bye.