Caller: “I Don’t Know My Husband Anymore”

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering if it’s time to leave her husband A man struggling to find a social life within marriage A man aiming to correct his compulsive lying problem Next Steps: 📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  My husband and I, we both met in the service and they said that he had like an addictive personality disorder. He's addicted to just like collecting things. Sex is another thing that if I can't give it to him, he has to have it. And it's just like, I felt like it's ruined our marriage.

• 0:40Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 0:47Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly, listen, it happened today. I've been waiting for this to happen. It happened.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  I am real nervous about whatever's coming.

• 0:54Dr. John Delony?

  Today's first day of school for my fifth grader and I got toodle-ooed.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 0:59Dr. John Delony?

  Toodle-oo barbecue. That's a funny thing she always says to me. But we got up to the door and she was with her friends.

• 1:06Speaker 02

  Oh, but she let you take her to the door. So that's still something.

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  It took a lot. It was a lot to go to the door and we got there and she's like, okay. And I played it cool, man.

• 1:18Dr. John Delony?

  Dagger to the soul.

• 1:21Speaker 02

  Hey, like I said, you still got to the door.

• 1:24Dr. John Delony?

  I got a half hug though, which is.

• 1:25Speaker 02

  So you got like a side hug kind of thing?

• 1:27Dr. John Delony?

  Pretty much like a, like a Macy's Day Parade, but.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Because next year it's gonna be, uh, can you drop me off a block away?

• 1:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, can I take the bus?

• 1:37Speaker 02

  And yeah, my friends, I'll take the bus.

• 1:39Dr. John Delony?

  Will you just move?

• 1:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, cuz you never, act like you don't know me.

• 1:42Dr. John Delony?

  How about you go to another country?

• 1:44Speaker 02

  Just send money. Right.

• 1:46Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, toodle-oo barbecued. God, I can't believe it, man. Hey.

• 1:53Dr. John Delony?

  I don't even know how, how do we start this show? Hey, well, I'm glad that you're here. I'm just having a moment on this show. This is where we talk about parenting, mental, emotional health, relationships, marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and if anyone wants to call in and try to make me feel better.

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  But it happened.

• 2:13Dr. John Delony?

  It happened. No matter how hard I try, I'm still just a dad.

• 2:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, they come back. They do.

• 2:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but they, you know what? They are gonna come back, but I'm just gonna tell them the money will be there when you come back, but not in between.

• 2:30Speaker 02

  Whatever.

• 2:31Dr. John Delony?

  I know, whatever. All right, let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up?

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Hey, how's it going?

• 2:39Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right. How are you?

• 2:40Speaker 01

  I'm good, good. I just wanted to start off by saying that I really appreciate what everybody does. I like everyone on the cast there because dealing with mental health, you know, is not easy and you as people, human beings, you deal with your own things every day and you're out here helping other people with their problems and I really admire that.

• 3:04Dr. John Delony?

  Well, thank you so much, Sarah. I'm grateful that you're with us. What's going on?

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, so, um, I guess my question is really is that if, um, I am making the right decision by leaving my husband, um, even though he struggles with addiction and, um, basically just trying to be faithful. So, uh, my husband and I, we both met in the service and, um, some time ago, and we're talking about like 2014, they said that he had like an addictive personality or addictive personality disorder and some, um, um, compulsive disorder or something like that.

• 3:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  So that has made like a, a big, um, effect on our marriage. So there's been like lots of fighting and stuff like that because things are not perfect and the way that he needs it. And, um, mind you, I work full time and we have three children together and, um, it's always, and I've constantly caught him in infidelity. He's like, um, he's addicted to just like always collecting things like cars. He has four trucks, uh, that he'll get over that. And now he's like into motorcycles and collects all the motorcycles, but it is like excessive, you know?

• 4:31Speaker 01

  And it's been a big, big problem and sex is another thing that he just like, if I can't give it to him, he has to have it. And it's just like, it, it's, I felt like it's ruined our marriage.

• 4:46Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I'm gonna give you some context and then I'm gonna kind of lay out some ground rules I have for myself, okay?

• 4:53Dr. John Delony?

  When somebody gets a diagnosis

• 4:57Dr. John Delony?

  of any sort, I'm not gonna say that, not of any sort, but of most sorts, okay?

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  What that is, is a roadmap. It's a destination point for where somebody's gonna have to put in a ton of work and effort. It is not

• 5:18Dr. John Delony?

  a free pass.

• 5:22Dr. John Delony?

  I also, years ago, had multiple clinical diagnosis. It was not an excuse to cheat on my wife.

• 5:31Dr. John Delony?

  It was not an excuse to put my family into financial ruin with my projects.

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  It wasn't an excuse to be abusive with my language just because my wife didn't do exactly what I wanted her to. What it was, was a clear path of what I needed to work on so that I could show up and be the, uh, the husband that she deserves.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:53Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So if you're, if you are, um, diagnosed with addictive personality disorder, I have to go back and check the DSM out. I've heard of substance abuse disorder, but it's been a long time since I've dug into that stuff. So, but let's say that is, let's say that's a thing.

• 6:11Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't mean that you get a lifetime pass on, on addiction.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:16Dr. John Delony?

  That means you have a lifetime of really working hard on sobriety.

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  If you have compulsion disorders, of which I've had, that doesn't mean you just get to buy whatever you want, do whatever you want, and everyone in the whole world has to follow you. That means I gotta go do some work. Right? And so it's a context, not an excuse.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  Got it.

• 6:46Dr. John Delony?

  It's a reason, your body responds to genetics and environmental stressors, things going on in your life, to all sorts of things.

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  But it's not a, it's not an excuse to just run roughshod over everybody closest to you.

• 7:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so my ground rules are, except in very rare situations,

• 7:12Dr. John Delony?

  I don't tell people to leave their marriage. You've gotta own that.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  I will tell you, I believe with all my heart

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  that you're worth being in a marriage where you're not being cheated on and your physical health isn't being put on the line, God knows how many times.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:32Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth being in a marriage with somebody you can count on.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:37Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth being in a marriage with somebody who you can anchor into as much as they can anchor into you.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:46Dr. John Delony?

  But you have to own the decision to leave.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I left already, um, because I, I kinda had my, my, um, breaking point. Um, I just had a mastectomy for cancer and my mom just passed away, um, from cancer. So it's kinda like everything has been hitting the fan at once and, you know, I had a conversation with him about, you know, cuz I listen to your show a lot. I said, okay, I need transparency, a roadmap, you know, actions are everything and, you know, you, your actions mean everything and it's not just words anymore. We have to do this. And it was just like, I caught him, uh, I looked, he was just like, fine, you know, that he was gonna do it.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  But when I saw, I, I felt like I just gave up off of that one day, but even though it's actually been years, I don't know. But, but this time I actually gave like a roadmap, like I had an actual roadmap. I had a plan and, um, but the very next day I saw that he had deleted message from a female and it wasn't nothing bad. It was just like, you know, he was reaching out to her, but he deleted it. And for me, I felt as if like that was already a betrayal so quickly. And I, I, I left. I couldn't anymore cuz I just had so many things in my life that's been going on.

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  So let me say this, Sarah, you're not crazy.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  I hate that you're going through this. You're in a season of hell.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  And the beauty of doing life with somebody

• 9:33Dr. John Delony?

  who's ride or die with you

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  is that you don't have to go through hell alone.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:42Dr. John Delony?

  And you've been going through it alone. I'm sorry.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  It's not supposed to be like that.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure is lonely, you know, he moved me here and um, well, I chose to move here with him and I have no family. And I finally moved my mom here and she died.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:04Dr. John Delony?

  So the heartbreaking question I'll ask you, so what are you gonna do next?

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Well, um, I have a place. I mean, we're cramped here, but you know, it

• 10:17Dr. John Delony?

  How old are your kids?

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Seventeen, a male, fourteen, female, and um, nine-year-old male. And then plus, I have my brother. Um, he, he's a, uh, my mom adopted him when he was a baby, but he's my brother. He's an adult. He's twenty-one. And he helped take care of my mom a lot while, um, while I was down because I, I couldn't do it anymore. Cause I would, you know, I was having treatments and my mastectomy and stuff like that.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  Where was your husband in all of this?

• 10:51Speaker 01

  So, uh, well.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, hold on, Sarah. I, I, I wanna, I wanna press you on something, okay?

• 10:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:58Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to stop defending him for a second.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  Stop.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  You've been defending him for years.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:06Dr. John Delony?

  Stop.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:08Dr. John Delony?

  When you were diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go have a mastectomy, where was he?

• 11:15Dr. John Delony?

  And if, if you tell me any place other than right next to you, holding your hand,

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  I'll tell you straight, as direct as I can, he failed you as your husband. Period.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Um, well, he was, he did take the time off and he was with me. He was home with me, I think, for like two weeks.

• 11:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  And then

• 11:39Dr. John Delony?

  That's great.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, so, and then he went back to work. So he was there for me.

• 11:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:52Dr. John Delony?

  So what are you gonna do next?

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, um, I, I, I think I'm, uh, I'm, I already have the divorce papers and I'm just moving forward. I just really, you know, wanna make sure that I, that I didn't give up too quickly because of that text message that I found. Cause he told me it was nothing, but in my heart, I felt like it was a door opening to something. If not, he would have never deleted it.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  But my plan is, since you're saying I'm not crazy, my plan is just to move forward and, you know, sell everything and we'll have the kids fifty-fifty.

• 12:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to metabolize that. That's gonna mean you're gonna have to make a budget for your new household based on your income.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:54Dr. John Delony?

  And that means you're gonna, like, I want, I want you to, I want you just to make a, make a, a path from, in the same way you gave him a roadmap, here is what loving me looks like. Here's what I want.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  And he immediately walked out and did something different.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And

• 13:14Dr. John Delony?

  um, I want you to give yourself that same roadmap.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:21Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you, it's gonna sound nutty, you can't, you can't, if you're, if you run a restaurant, or if you're working in a restaurant, you can't fill up all of your customers' water glasses unless your pitcher's full.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  So I want you to ask yourself, what must be true for me to be well so that

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:42Dr. John Delony?

  as a newly found single mom, I can take care of these three kids, I got a twenty-one-year-old crammed in here too.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  What must be true? You're gonna have to get some help and support and some friends.

• 13:58Dr. John Delony?

  You just can't do it by yourself. It's too much.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  Which means you're gonna have to do something you probably don't like to do, which is ask for help.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 14:11Dr. John Delony?

  What does taking care of your physical health look like post-mastectomy? What does taking care of your mental health post-being with somebody who's just disregarded you for so many years?

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:24Dr. John Delony?

  What's taking care of your mental and emotional health, just processing that your mom passed away?

• 14:32Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to be in service to you first so that you can be in service to all these other responsibilities that you have.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:41Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 14:48Speaker 01

  I'm trying to, trying to work on myself so I can be there for the kids.

• 14:54Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, and if you'll do me a favor, the favor's really for you, but do it for me, if, if nothing else, right now.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  Don't work on yourself like you're an old car engine that needs to be repaired. Right? Honor yourself.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:11Dr. John Delony?

  What are some ways I can love myself so that I've got a full pitcher to serve these three kids?

• 15:20Dr. John Delony?

  And my brother?

• 15:23Dr. John Delony?

  And my full-time job?

• 15:25Speaker 01

  But I feel like I don't know what that looks like. Cause if you're saying don't work on myself like, like a car, I, I, I really don't, really wouldn't understand. I guess that's something I gotta reach deep inside and figure out. Cause I don't know.

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  It, it's just, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a tiny shift in language that you'll end up on a different trajectory. If you wake up every day opening your eyes thinking you're broken, that's an exhausting way to live.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:55Dr. John Delony?

  If you wake up every day and you open your eyes and your first thought is, I'm worth an hour this morning.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  I get to go exercise. I get to go call a counselor. I get to go make breakfast for my kids. Or even better, your seventeen-year-old, I get to eat the breakfast my seventeen-year-old makes.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:20Dr. John Delony?

  Cause he makes breakfast on Monday and my daughter makes it on Tuesday and my youngest son makes it on Wednesday. And Wednesday, cause he's nine, it's not a great breakfast, but it's a breakfast. Right?

• 16:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I get to watch my kids slowly develop into adults.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:40Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I'm worth that. And by the way, they are too.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'm worth sitting down and writing my mom a long, long letter, telling her how much I miss her.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm worth writing my body a letter, which is what I recommend for folks who are on the other side of cancer.

• 17:06Dr. John Delony?

  Telling your body how grateful you are for it and also telling your body how pissed off for they tried to kill you.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Right.

• 17:14Dr. John Delony?

  And telling your body how you're gonna honor it and take care of it moving forward. And you're gonna ask it to do the same. Try to take care of you, right?

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  All of this is from a position of strength.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 17:30Dr. John Delony?

  From a position of, for the first time in your life, Sarah, I want you to look in the mirror and say, I'm worth feeling well in my own skin.

• 17:40Dr. John Delony?

  I'm worth not wondering if my husband's out sleeping with somebody else. I'm worth getting home and not feeling good.

• 17:49Dr. John Delony?

  And not having on top of not feeling good, shame piled that my husband's demanding sex and it hurts. I don't feel good.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 17:57Dr. John Delony?

  And somehow I feel like I'm the wrong one here.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 18:06Dr. John Delony?

  So it's less about having to dig deep and it's more about not waking up every day saying I'm somehow malfunctioning. But it's saying, no, my body's working pretty good for the situation it's in. And now my spirit is gonna start emerging.

• 18:22Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna do things that I've wanted to do. I'm worth doing things I've wanted to do. I've got a lot of responsibilities with three kids now and the twenty-one-year-old. And by the way, that twenty-one-year-old's gonna start, keep pulling their weight.

• 18:34Dr. John Delony?

  Pretty awesome kid that took care of mom and now pretty awesome young man who's gonna go get a job and work real hard. And if he's gonna live here, he's gonna be a contributing member of this house, cause we need him.

• 18:45Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, him feeling needed, him having a purpose is gonna help him too. The greatest gift you can give a twenty-one-year-old is responsibility. Helps their muscles grow.

• 18:57Dr. John Delony?

  We're not gonna wake up every day thinking there's something wrong with us. We're gonna wake up every day saying, I get to go do whatever happens next.

• 19:06Dr. John Delony?

  So sorry you're going through this, Sarah. Thank you for the call, sister. Call anytime. Call anytime. You gotta make that call on whether you're gonna leave or not.

• 19:17Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:01Dr. John Delony?

  to using it for 90 days, it will help you build a habit of reflection, and prayer, and peace. I want you to give Hallow a try. Try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney. That's three months for free at hallow.com/deloney.

• 20:18Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists, someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 21:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we have a couple calling in from Seattle, Washington. Let's go out to Andrew first. Hey, Andrew, you there?

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 21:41Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Most excellent. All right, let's bring in your wife, Maria. Hey, Maria, what's up?

• 21:47Speaker 04

  Hi, good morning.

• 21:48Dr. John Delony?

  Good morning. All right, so are y'all both in the same house?

• 21:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 21:53Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, okay. Is this a spicy call?

• 21:57Speaker 03

  No.

• 21:58Speaker 04

  Unfortunately, no.

• 21:59Dr. John Delony?

  Unfortunately, no. Fortunately, yes. I need one. I need a regular call. What's up?

• 22:07Speaker 03

  I'll start off. I'm the one with the question.

• 22:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  So, the main question is, is how do we maneuver or handle socializing outside of our relationship when we both have two socializing different dynamics?

• 22:32Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it. Those are some big words. Tell me, tell me what's going on.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  So, long story short, I'm starting to come out and be a bit of a social butterfly, trying at least.

• 22:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:49Speaker 03

  And my wife, she tends to be a little bit more particular with how she socializes with people.

• 22:59Dr. John Delony?

  You're saying it all so gently, like she's standing behind you and she's gonna hit you. So you're starting to, and it sounds like this is new for you, you're starting to wanna go out, do some things, and Maria likes to stay at home and read a book?

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

• 23:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Maria, what's going on with you?

• 23:21Speaker 04

  Um, let's see. I'm just an introvert. I've never been very social. I don't really have a need to be around other people. My, my job is physically and emotionally taxing, and whatever downtime I have, it's for me. It's for me and the house, or the household, I guess.

• 23:48Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all have kids, too?

• 23:50Speaker 04

  We don't. We don't have kids. We just have dogs.

• 23:55Dr. John Delony?

  So when you say you and the household, does that mean everybody except for Andrew?

• 24:01Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:02Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say it this way.

• 24:03Speaker 04

  Only Andrew.

• 24:04Dr. John Delony?

  Only Andrew, okay. So you get home from work, you have a taxing job, you wanna curl up on the couch, and I'm making stuff up, who knows what, like, I don't know what you actually wanna do, but you wanna, you wanna just kinda drop your shoulders and hang. And Andrew's like, cool, now that you're home, let's go out?

• 24:20Speaker 04

  Pretty much.

• 24:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, there's no tension here. Just kidding. Y'all's house sounds exactly like my house. Tell me, um, tell me the purpose of this call. Did something happen, or has it just been building over time?

• 24:36Speaker 04

  Andrew, can I throw it back to you?

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. So, we both had the same job. We both, for the longest time during our entire relationship, we, we had the same taxing job. It was emotional, it was physical.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  All the energy was drained out of us five days a week, on the weekends. All we wanted to do was just nothing. We didn't wanna do anything, and we were both fine with that kinda dynamic of just laying down, watching movies, maybe going to hike here and there.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  But now I left that job, I kind of drew back, and now I have a retail job where it's just a little physical, but nothing too crazy. And now I have this mental energy and emotional energy to kind of spend it and just wanna do stuff, or try to get out there and socialize, because I've, I've personally felt like I've had that missing for the longest time. And,

• 25:50Speaker 03

  and for me, I feel like there's that missing something. Our relationship is great, finances are good, household is fine. Honestly, everything about us and the four or five months that we've been married has been almost perfect. And now this is the one thing that I'm starting to, I guess, feel lonely in a way.

• 26:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's, that's the word, yeah. I'm glad that you got there. Let's get it.

• 26:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. And when I bring it up to her, I, I don't wanna feel like she doesn't complete me, because she does. She's, she's awesome. She's perfect in all the right ways. And having that conversation with her, trying to figure that out, she's fully on board, but yet she, she has that particular thing when it comes down to meeting people, and that social energy that, that takes a toll on her.

• 27:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So let me challenge you, okay? And y'all can get off the phone with me and look at each other and be like, that guy's an idiot. Okay? Y'all are free to do that.

• 27:14Dr. John Delony?

  But Maria doesn't complete you. That's Hollywood fiction.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:20Dr. John Delony?

  And she can be an amazing wife, and an amazing friend, and you're ride or die partner forever. And she can wanna go to bed at 8:00, and you wanna go out at 8:00. And there's always gonna be that tension there. Okay? So, the, the challenge, you're, you're gonna end up burying yourself, and then she's gonna be like the ultimate, she's gonna pay the ultimate price for it, which is, you say she's great, wonderful, perfect, you complete me, you're the best thing ever, but I'm lonely inside my own house. Or worse, I'm lonely inside my own marriage. And what I wanna tell you is, that's okay. That, that is a

• 28:04Dr. John Delony?

  problem that you and her sit on the same side of the table, and that problem is on the other side of the table. And y'all work together to find a solution against this different energy system y'all have. Because you're, you're a few months away from the thoughts entering your head, she's choosing this job over me.

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  And she's choosing sleep over me. She's choosing to read a book instead of having sex. She's choose like, right? And so when you start to divvy it up like that, it makes it me versus her. And so stay on the same side of the table. There is no such thing as somebody completing you. And I think that's one of the hardest things, especially for young couples, because just the messaging we've got for the last 50 years is somebody will fill in every one of your gaps and it's just not true. And so I don't want to put anything on you, but let me tell you how this plays out in my house. There are some days, and I don't have another way to say it. There's some days I'm sad.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  Like I'm just sad because my wife is zonked. And all I want to do in the world is go hang out with her. Or you know what? I'm going to reframe that. All I want in the world is her to hang out with me. And she does sometimes. And I also have that lingering, when she does, I have that lingering voice like, this is coming at a cost to her. And I don't ever want to be a burden to her, right?

• 29:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:39Dr. John Delony?

  So the, I guess what I want to tell you is that tension's never going to go away. And that doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It just means y'all are different. And the paths forward for both of you is there's A, going to be times that both of you choose not the most comfortable route for a greater good. And that's both of you. There's going to be times, Andrew, when you want to go out. You're just feeling itchy, like, let's go do a thing. And dude, I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. And there will be times, Maria, when you have a taxing day, but not a wild day. And you're like, dude, it's three o'clock. I'm having a cup of coffee because we're going out tonight. And I'm going to feel uncomfortable, but I love this guy.

• 30:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I think over time I can, dot, dot, dot. And then Andrew, there's going to be times when you're going to have to choose. I wish she would be with me, but she's not. And so I'm going to go hang out and have a good time. And like I always say this on the show, go make good choices, but go have some fun. And Maria is going to go to bed and get her restorative sleep and, and decompress. And y'all are going to have to both decide, we're not going to hold each other. We're not going to resent each other. Does that make sense? And that's just hard. It's just, it's just, it just isn't is.

• 31:01Dr. John Delony?

  In a perfect world, in a Hollywood world, somebody would complete us. So I threw a lot at you, Andrew and Maria. Push back on me or ask questions or say, I don't like that or whatever. What's going on in your heart and mind?

• 31:19Speaker 03

  Um, may I, may I first say, oh, yeah.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  You go ahead. You go ahead.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  So we do, I think we are aligned with us kind of trying this new stage in our life, or this new, this new phase of me possibly going out and trying to do, go out, have fun, do the, make the right choices. Even I'm trying to pick up a hobby here and there to kind of stay busy, have fun and, and

• 31:56Dr. John Delony?

  Just live your life.

• 31:57Speaker 03

  And try to find, yeah, exactly. Try to figure that out. But yet, yes, there is that, that feeling of, I feel like I'm, I'm leaving her behind or she's not a part of it. Or we're not spending enough time together. Even when we are together, she, she's exhausted or we're cuddled up in bed, watching a movie, doing the thing that we enjoy to do. But she's unwinding and I'm just there having, I'm hanging out where, while she's unwinding. And those days when I do have the energy to leave and she's unwinding, it feels like I'm still not spending.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  And there's that feeling of not us being together, even though we are together. And, and am I making sense so far?

• 32:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it, it's, I almost, I'm almost certain I know the answer, but Maria, let me ask you. Do you feel like if Andrew was to go out and join a bowling league and start bowling? Or he was going to go out and, I don't know, started, go to the local chess club or whatever? Would you feel like he's abandoning you?

• 33:15Speaker 04

  No. No, I wouldn't feel like he's abandoning me. I guess, I guess, I would, I would want to be part of those hobbies. I just want to figure out how to also spend quality time. Like all of my hobbies are at home.

• 33:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 33:34Speaker 04

  His hobbies are out of the home.

• 33:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so

• 33:38Speaker 04

  And I'm, yeah.

• 33:40Dr. John Delony?

  Do you, do you? Like sometimes social anxiety and like, and I'm talking about clinical social anxiety plus exhaustion, plus being a homebody, if you will, plus like all that stuff in, in the word introvert gets thrown around a lot. All of that kind of gets it, gets dumped into the same blender. And so I want to pull it apart real quick. Do, do you want to, want to go out? Or do you just, you really don't want to?

• 34:17Speaker 04

  I don't, I, I do have social anxiety. You hit it right on the head. And I'm being treated for it. And I, I'm under treatment and I, and I have depression and I'm being treated for that as well.

• 34:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 34:29Speaker 04

  But I, I was raised, I guess, to not socialize. And maybe that's what stuck with me, but I just, I don't care to socialize.

• 34:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well, and there's a difference between, and I'm using, I'm being careful with my words here. There is, I don't want to, but I want to want to. Because the path through social anxiety is exposure, right? I'm going to slowly introduce myself to social situations. Not, I'm not going to go to giant parties and where everyone, I'm on display, but I'm going to go to a dinner with three friends and then I'm going to, I'm going to feel how that feels and I'm going to feel how drained it I am. But also I'm going to be honest about, dude, that kind of felt good. I had good conversations. And so there is a practicing. But then there's the, I don't have any interest. Like I just have no desire.

• 35:22Dr. John Delony?

  It's, I don't even want to want to. You get what I'm saying?

• 35:26Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

  And so it sounds like you grew up in a certain way. You're being treated for multiple pathologies. The path forward, the treatment path, either now or eventually with your mental health professional is exposure. I'm going to go do a thing, even though my body's saying, I quote unquote, feel like not doing it. I know the right thing is to go do it. Kind of like this morning, I woke up and I didn't feel like running, but I'd made a commitment to myself, so I'm going to go do it. And I'll tell you what, on the back end, I felt like a million bucks, right? But man, I sure didn't feel like it. And so I didn't want to run, but I wanted to want to run, so I'm going to go run. You get what I'm saying?

• 36:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:09Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge for you, Andrew, and I'm telling you, man, if I can save you 15 years of your marriage, like for me, I took it all personally. You get what I'm saying?

• 36:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I still, that still sneaks up on, and what I mean by that is if Maria doesn't want to go out one night, or she's just wiped, or she's had a really rough day at work and just her anxiety alarms are ringing off the hook that particular day, you can choose, and this is not a feeling choice, because feelings are going to do what feelings do. It's an intellectual choice. It's a next right action choice. You can choose to not take it as Maria is rejecting Andrew. You can choose to say, Maria's choosing to take care of herself. So tomorrow she can be the best version of herself.

• 37:05Dr. John Delony?

  And that really bums me out because I wanted to be with her tonight. And then you go choose the next right action for you. And that could be you scrolling YouTube clips until 2:00 AM and that's going to be a disaster. Or it could, you could just say, okay, cool. I'm going to call it a night, even though I want to go out, I'm going to call it a night. And I'm going to get some good sleep, so I'll be my best self. Or you say, man, I'm going to go to my chess club or my Dungeons and Dragons club or whatever tonight. And I'm going to miss my wife, but I'm glad that she's taking care of herself. You, you get to choose that story. Does that make sense? And I want to tell you, I spent 15 years with my shoulders slumped and my head bending, like just looking at the floor,

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  walking out of my house to go hang out with some of my knuckle headed buddies, heartbroken. And it took a long time for me to realize, and by the way, it still pops up sometimes. I'm just being honest, that it wasn't about me. It was about my wife trying to take care of herself. You get what I'm saying?

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I think what I'm kind of nervous about is if I was to go take those actions and, and work through that, I guess a fear would be that.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  I'm working on myself, but then also we find ourselves kind of doing our own separate thing and not finding time for each other.

• 38:37Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think those are mutually exclusive.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  Like, if you listen to my show a lot, you know I love going to hang out at the comedy club. I just hang out there, whether I'm performing or not.

• 38:50Dr. John Delony?

  That's like nails on a chalkboard for my wife. And she likes to be by herself, writing her next novel, or writing poetry, or reading about ancient whatever stuff, and alone out in her garden. And I like doing that stuff too, but for like 15 minutes.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, what you have to be able to parse apart is, I'm gonna go do my thing, so that, or let me put it this way, I'm gonna be in service to myself, both of you. So that my cup is so full, that I can be completely in service to the other person.

• 39:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so, Maria, if you're unplugging from the world, is, that's the, that is, that's the end. I'm not unplugging so that I can refill my battery, and love Andrew to the moon and back, but I'm just unplugging to unplug.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  And unplugging means I unplug from him too.

• 39:58Dr. John Delony?

  Then that's gonna cause problems down the road. If I'm gonna unplug, and I'm gonna keep going to treatment, so that I feel my best self, so that I can give my entire self away to this man that I promised my life to, man, now you're talking about a ride or die marriage. And Andrew, if you go a couple nights a week, and go hang out with your buddies, and go learn new hobbies and stuff, so that you can plug fully back into your house, plug into Maria, man, that's awesome. But you'll have to be intentional about together time, in addition to intentional about your, the things that restore each other.

• 40:35Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all both sound like you're pretty awesome.

• 40:38Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 40:39Speaker 03

  I think, I think we both think we're both awesome.

• 40:43Dr. John Delony?

  I like the fact that you both are working on yourselves.

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  What I want to add to that is, we're both working on ourselves, so that we can be the best version of ourself for each other.

• 40:57Speaker 04

  We're doing our best, and your show has helped a lot.

• 41:00Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I appreciate that. I mean, I'm just a goofball on, with a microphone, y'all are actually doing the work in real life, y'all are actually putting the time and the energy in. And by the way, y'all are four or five months into this marriage. Don't put so much pressure on it. Y'all have never done this before, y'all are practicing, you're just finding your way through it.

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  And Maria, you may have never had a guy like, always there, right? And Andrew, you may have had this dream about when we get married, every night, it's it's just not, it's not reality, it's not how it's gonna play. So, just stay patient with each other, and keep coming back to the table. I've, I've got, I will send it to you directly, and for everybody listening, once a week, I want every couple to get together, and just say, how are we doing? What do we got coming up this week? Can we put time together on the calendar? If we're busy, can we put sex on the calendar? Can we go ahead and run through what this week is gonna cost us with groceries, or we got this dinner with family, or whatever? How are we feeling?

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I've got a PDF that is the guy, it's the same, it's the same, basically the same meeting that me and my wife have every week, we've had for years. But, it's in the show, we'll click the link in the show notes, if you want to get that PDF, and Andrew and Maria, I'll send it directly to you. And Andrew and Maria, I'll also send you the Together app, as my gift for your new marriage. And it will help you guys come together, one action step at a time. Keep putting the work in on yourselves, so that y'all can give your entire selves away to each other. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, a man asks how to stop compulsively lying to others, and become a genuinely honest person. We'll be right back.

• 42:45Dr. John Delony?

  I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life, and life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time, and we learn to manage and just accept pains, and challenges, and weight gain, and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this, we only get one life, so why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest? This is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis, so I can feel better in my own skin. And this is why I'm a huge fan of Joy and Blokes. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms, and Joy and Blokes is most excellent. I strongly encourage you to check them out.

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  They start you with a very comprehensive blood test, that will give you real data about what's going on in your body, why you're feeling, how you're feeling, but it doesn't stop there. Joy and Blokes pairs you with a clinician who reviews your results, helps you create a personalized plan, and this is key, they walk alongside you while you take action. Whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes, or a supplement tweak, or a much more comprehensive treatment plan, everything can be prescribed and managed through Joy and Blokes. Joy and Blokes is for men and women who want to take ownership of their health, and live the best life possible. Go to joyandblokes.com/doloney, and get 50% off all labs, and 20% off all products. That's J-O-I and B-L-O-K-E-S. Joyandblokes.com/doloney.

• 44:18Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Cincinnati, Ohio, and talk to Aaron. Hey, Aaron, what's up, man?

• 44:24Speaker 05

  Hey, Dr. John, how's it going?

• 44:25Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right, brother, how are you?

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm doing great.

• 44:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 44:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, so my, my question, just looking for help, creating a roadmap for myself, to

• 44:40Speaker 05

  quit compulsively lying to others, just work on, work on a sense of integrity for myself.

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I love that question, man. So, where's, where's that question come from? Tell me about yourself.

• 44:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, so, I definitely value, you know, being honest to others, and upholding my values, it just seems like I have a hard time putting that into practice.

• 45:06Speaker 05

  For instance, it's like, it's not the, not the big things in life that I'm lying about, but it's just, it's just all these small details, and kind of exaggerating achievements, things like that.

• 45:18Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about you, that you don't like?

• 45:25Speaker 05

  I think, I don't know, I think I'm just disgusted with the behavior, to be honest.

• 45:31Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, deeper than that. The, let's, let's reframe it for a second. Lying works. Lying has served a role in your life.

• 45:43Dr. John Delony?

  And so if we look at lying as a thing that's been working for you, what has it been wallpapering over?

• 45:52Dr. John Delony?

  How has it been helping you not deal with reality?

• 45:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, so I think, I think if I, if I look, look a little bit deeper, I guess lying has, you know, helped me be revered more in the eyes of others, and get a sense of, like a pat on the back, just people thinking, I don't know, more, more of somebody that has higher achievement levels than, than somebody that doesn't, right? So I think when it comes down to it, it's, it's about, about the acceptance.

• 46:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's, I don't think it's about acceptance.

• 46:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's about you, when you're in the presence of somebody else, or an organization, or a group, you instantly feel yourself, not as peers with them, but you feel less than.

• 46:52Dr. John Delony?

  And lying helps you, it's, it works. It helps you reestablish your standing within your own chest, among a group of other people.

• 47:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so my question is, what is it about you

• 47:09Dr. John Delony?

  that you feel less than, when you're in the presence of others?

• 47:15Speaker 05

  I think, uh, yeah, I just, I don't, not proud of myself.

• 47:21Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 47:21Speaker 05

  I don't feel a...

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  You don't make enough, you don't make enough money, you don't have enough abs, you've had acne when you were a kid, like, wh- what is it? Wha- what do you, you get what I'm saying? I wanna get down to the root of the, of the question.

• 47:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's, I think it's kind of all the above, um...

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I was just making stuff up, it's, it's right there.

• 47:44Speaker 05

  Um, yeah, so, um, it's like, you know, I, I, for instance, I ran a, ran a marathon early this year and I finished in three hours, fifty-five minutes, you know, people ask me how it's going, I'm like, oh yeah, I was, I finished in, in three, three minute, or three hours and thirty-five minutes. Um, I guess just to have people be more impressed and, yeah, like, like you said, I think it comes from a, a place of me not loving myself or, or feeling less than, than other people for...

• 48:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, it's, it's not even love, it's this...

• 48:22Dr. John Delony?

  It's a vicious loop. I'm gonna go run a marathon, which is awesome and laudable and cool, right? But underneath that, then there's the, I'm gonna break four minutes.

• 48:34Dr. John Delony?

  And then underneath that is this myth, this fantasy, that then I'll be okay with me.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  And to ninety-nine point nine nine nine percent of the world, completing a marathon, much less breaking four, is pretty dang impressive.

• 48:57Speaker 05

  Right.

• 48:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so there's, there's, I mean, if, if you, like, DNA, if you didn't, if you didn't finish, or you ran it in thirty-two hours, right? And you'd been hyping yourself up, talking trash all week, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm, right? And it didn't.

• 49:16Dr. John Delony?

  Lying's still not okay, but I get it.

• 49:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Cause there's, like, I'm trying to save myself from embarrassment, it's not that I don't like myself, it was like, I put in a poor performance and I don't want people to know. That's not what happened here.

• 49:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's, somewhere at the bottom of the line, you didn't run this marathon for yourself, you ran it because you wanna make sure other people might like you a little bit more.

• 49:44Speaker 05

  I think, I think you're right, um, yeah, I guess, I've, I've struggled with, uh, with the self-image and, and, you know, putting, putting myself on a, a lower status than, than other people, um, basically for, for as long as I can remember, um...

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  And the, so, so let me tell you the war you're gonna have to fight, man.

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  It is being next to others,

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  feeling less than,

• 50:17Dr. John Delony?

  like, recognizing, oh, there's a feeling here, distancing yourself from that feeling,

• 50:24Dr. John Delony?

  and continuing to stand right there. Another word for it is ownership.

• 50:30Speaker 05

  Right.

• 50:32Dr. John Delony?

  And it, I wish there was another way around it, there's, it's a practice.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's recognizing, oh, my body's doing a thing, it's trying to protect me. I don't need protecting right now, I'm good.

• 50:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:50Dr. John Delony?

  And, that's probably gonna spend some time with a therapist, cause lying, lying works, man, it just does. And then it ends up, you end up, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, cause nobody wants to hang out with you.

• 51:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I...

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  You don't want, you don't wanna hang out with you, right?

• 51:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, I've, I've seen, seen that kind of, uh, come to fruition throughout my life, it's, it seems like it's, it's hard for me to, to have close friendships, um...

• 51:14Dr. John Delony?

  But do you see how the, the very thing you do to try to facilitate friendships, it ends up burning them even more?

• 51:22Speaker 05

  Right.

• 51:23Dr. John Delony?

  Very few of my friends could run a marathon, they're just not healthy guys, right?

• 51:30Dr. John Delony?

  I would much rather have friends that never even considered running a marathon, or if you said, hey, you should run a marathon, and their first thought was, that's stupid, I'd much rather have that friend.

• 51:42Dr. John Delony?

  I'd much rather have a friend with acne scars, I'd much rather have a friend who doesn't make very much money, than a friend who isn't honest about it.

• 51:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so if you are worried about your standing in the world, and you're worried about feeling less than others, and it's not worry, like, I'm just worrying about AI, it's not that, it, this is in your body. I feel less than. So I'm gonna inflate it, what you're gonna confirm is people are gonna back away from you, not return your calls, not wanna hire you, and it's gonna be, I told you so.

• 52:22Dr. John Delony?

  See how this just becomes a sick circle, man?

• 52:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's a, it's a vicious loop, for sure.

• 52:30Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'll, I'll give you a path out, but it's, it's uncomfortable, okay?

• 52:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm fine with that, I'm, I'm ready to, ready to, ready to change, for sure.

• 52:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, ready?

• 52:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna sound so simple and you're gonna get annoyed with me.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  But that's all right. Number one, never, ever lie again.

• 52:56Dr. John Delony?

  Period. Number two, when you do, in that same sentence slash conversation, catch yourself and fix it right there. Yeah, dude, I ran a three thirty-five. Wow, that's amazing, no, no, no, no, no, not three thirty-five, three fifty-five, I'm sorry.

• 53:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna correct it right there.

• 53:20Speaker 05

  Right.

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to never, I'm gonna feel it, I'm gonna feel uncomfortable, I'm gonna feel less than, dude, I heard you ran a marathon. Yeah, dude, I crushed it, dude, I didn't crush it, I didn't finish it. I didn't finish. Oh, seriously? Nope, didn't finish, dude, that sucks. Let's go get a hot dog. That's what will happen.

• 53:44Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying? But you have to sit in that pocket.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Just through that, through that daily kinda practice and...

• 53:55Dr. John Delony?

  I will never lie again.

• 53:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, making that commitment and...

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  And it comes from, and, the first thing you have to re-establish is your identity. I am a man who never lies.

• 54:12Dr. John Delony?

  And that means, when someone's like, dude, did you like my band? Nope. Right?

• 54:21Dr. John Delony?

  I saw y'all work really hard, or that was fun. Yeah, but were we good? It's not my thing, man. Right, you'll get, you'll, you'll get, you'll get better at telling the truth. But I am a man who never lies, period.

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  And that means I'm gonna weather all of the discomfort living into that new identity.

• 54:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then if this is a lifelong war, you're gonna have to sit down with a mental health professional, with a therapist, a counselor, or get in a group and be honest with yourself about the stories other people told you at a younger age that became your stories over time.

• 55:06Dr. John Delony?

  As to why you think you don't deserve to walk and breathe the same air that everybody else does.

• 55:12Speaker 05

  Right. Yeah, I think, uh, I think, uh, when I was younger, um, I just, I just saw a lot of praise, um, in the things that I was able to accomplish, um, you know, from parents and, and coaches and things like that, and, like you said, lying, lying's easy and, and it works, um, so yeah, it just became ingrained in me to seek the praise rather than uphold my integrity, unfortunately.

• 55:45Dr. John Delony?

  So, cool. Instead of carrying that around with you for the rest of your life, put a period at the end of that sentence. How old are you?

• 55:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:54Speaker 05

  I'm twenty-nine.

• 55:55Dr. John Delony?

  Great, cool.

• 55:57Dr. John Delony?

  Today's day one.

• 55:59Speaker 05

  Yes, sir.

• 56:01Dr. John Delony?

  Right, like, I'll never lie again. This has been my way of being since I was this many years old. And by the way, if people praised you for the things you did, that means they also withdrew connection from you as a young kid when you didn't do things.

• 56:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:21Dr. John Delony?

  And it's, uh, o- often we look at the, what we're seeking got reinforced, but it's often what was taken away. That's the real pain.

• 56:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's not that I got an extra attaboy when I ran really fast around the track. It's that I got that disgusted look from dad when I didn't.

• 56:45Speaker 05

  Right.

• 56:46Dr. John Delony?

  That's the true hurt here.

• 56:52Speaker 05

  And I guess, because my wife and I just welcomed our first son six weeks ago.

• 57:00Dr. John Delony?

  Hell, yeah, dude. Congratulations and perfect time.

• 57:04Speaker 05

  Right.

• 57:05Dr. John Delony?

  To start new.

• 57:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think it's, it's like you always say, you know, we're starting a new marriage and I want to, I want to start off on a better foot that I can be more proud of in the long run.

• 57:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so does your wife know about this?

• 57:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, are there things that you need to sit down and tell her?

• 57:24Speaker 05

  Um, nothing big, nothing big. I mean, it's, it's, it's small things that, especially to her, like, did you do the dishes? Oh, yeah, I did those. You know, make sure I just get them done before, before she gets back from work or something like that.

• 57:42Dr. John Delony?

  It's not, nope, it's not even that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that, Aaron. That's not the problem here.

• 57:48Dr. John Delony?

  The problem here is when she said, hey, did you do the dishes and you didn't? That you feel that sense of dang it, I should have.

• 57:57Speaker 05

  Right.

• 57:58Dr. John Delony?

  And you say, no, I didn't. I'll get them done. And then she, in her postpartum exhaustion, is, gets mad at you.

• 58:08Dr. John Delony?

  And you weather that because that's a right response. If you said you were going to do it.

• 58:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:14Dr. John Delony?

  Right? That's the healing.

• 58:17Dr. John Delony?

  But otherwise, you're just trying to avoid the uncomfortable situation yet again.

• 58:23Speaker 05

  Right.

• 58:25Dr. John Delony?

  Now, if you said, I'm gonna do this today, then yes, being a person of integrity is I'm gonna figure out how to get that done. And if I don't, I'm gonna look her in the eye and say, I messed this up.

• 58:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:38Dr. John Delony?

  And if she's on board with this, I want you, if y'all both treat it like sobriety,

• 58:45Dr. John Delony?

  then give her permission when she feels that wasn't exactly true to call it out.

• 58:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, I need the, need the accountability.

• 58:58Dr. John Delony?

  Not her versus you, but her with you.

• 59:01Speaker 05

  Right.

• 59:02Dr. John Delony?

  Because we have a house where nobody is dishonest.

• 59:10Dr. John Delony?

  You want to be really silly? Not silly. You want to be really like, put it all the way on the sidewalk here? Once a week, y'all have, like, in your weekly, how's our week going? How are we doing? How's this new marriage we're building? How's it working?

• 59:25Dr. John Delony?

  Have a time when she can say, is there anything that you exaggerated this week? And you're like, yep.

• 59:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna get a 3% raise. I'm gonna get a 2.2% raise.

• 59:36Dr. John Delony?

  Actually, I didn't go to the store.

• 59:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right, like, have, you know that's coming. And all of that will be hurdles to keep you from lying in the first place because as of today, your Independence Day, day one, you are a man who never lies.

• 59:59Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want you to hold your wife's hand and commit, I'm gonna go see somebody. I'm gonna go talk to somebody. Because at the root of all of this is a man who doesn't like himself. Not like, I need self-love. No, dude, I'm a guy who doesn't like himself.

• 1:00:14Dr. John Delony?

  And my kid, our kid, will never have that feeling. And that means I got work to do as a dad.

• 1:00:23Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna celebrate you, brother. Day one, congratulations on your new adventure, walking through the world as a man who puts his head up high, throws his shoulder back and says, I'm worth breathing the same air as everybody, no matter what money, how much money I make. I'm worth breathing the same air as everybody. I'm a dad, I'm a husband, and I'm a man who you can count on, to be honest with you.

• 1:00:47Dr. John Delony?

  And if I mess up, man, you better demo, know I'm gonna, I'm gonna call it out. I'm gonna say I messed up. I'm gonna correct it right there. And we're all gonna be awkward then.

• 1:00:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you. Go get it, man. I would love it, Aaron. It would be an honor to me. If you call back in 30 days, let me know how you're going. We'll do a 30-day celebration for you, brother. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

• 1:01:12Dr. John Delony?

  This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states, visiting several states more than once. I made a 40-hour round trip drive across the country, and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee. The two constants in all of this madness is, number one, I love traveling across the country and meeting new people. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is when I get home and I snuggle into my own bed. And that great, amazing sleep starts with my amazing, beloved mattress, my Helix Midnight Luxe mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me.

• 1:01:57Dr. John Delony?

  My family, my friends, everyone around me is starting to sleep on Helix mattresses, mainly because I won't shut up about how great they are, even when the cameras and the lights are off. Helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. I did it. It takes like two minutes, and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. And they've got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers, too. A Helix mattress will change your life for the better. Their best savings of the season are happening right now. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney for their best of the web offer

• 1:02:39Dr. John Delony?

  and get 27% off sitewide. That's 27% off sitewide at helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  Yes, so a while back, we had, I'm gonna my the problem guy that emailed in about letting his two sons play Grand Theft Auto.

• 1:03:06Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, and because it was the only time they could get along. And so he was like, is this really a bad thing? All right.

• 1:03:12Dr. John Delony?

  And I for sure said, yes.

• 1:03:14Speaker 02

  Yes, we agreed. I think we all agreed overwhelmingly.

• 1:03:18Dr. John Delony?

  My kids are quiet when they watch porn. Can I just let it? Jeez.

• 1:03:22Speaker 02

  Yes, okay. So this is from Joe in South Bend, Indiana, and he writes, I'm the one who asked if it was wrong for letting my two boys play GTA because when they did, they got along. You liked my question so much, you answered it twice.

• 1:03:39Dr. John Delony?

  How so?

• 1:03:40Speaker 02

  Well, he says we answered it on two different shows.

• 1:03:44Speaker 02

  Anyway.

• 1:03:45Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, there's, there's Kelly producing, producing the show to her, the best of her ability.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Uh huh, and you hosting it, clearly no idea that you.

• 1:03:52Dr. John Delony?

  Same answer. You know how many different shows I'm doing a day? I hope I gave the same answer both times.

• 1:03:57Speaker 02

  Didn't say.

• 1:03:59Dr. John Delony?

  That'd be hilarious.

• 1:03:59Speaker 02

  You were more understanding of it. See, he has us doing it a year apart. I don't keep them that long. Anyway, but he said you were more understanding of it the first time.

• 1:04:11Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, well, maybe he's been playing too much Grand Theft Auto. His brain is mush.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  Anyway, in his first response, John said, my kids had shown that they could get along, so I needed to be intentional about situations that I put them in. I took that to heart and I became the leader in their Boy Scout troop. I now have them work on their merit badges together. We go fishing and other activities, and things have improved big time. They can still fight, they can still fight, but the good interactions between them are starting to balance the bat. P.S. I too am an old punk rock guy. Since I know John likes the Descendants, I guess I can answer, I can tell him that I've answered Milo's question. What will it be like when I get old?

• 1:04:52Dr. John Delony?

  Nice.

• 1:04:53Speaker 02

  And the answer is, things are pretty damn great.

• 1:04:55Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome.

• 1:04:56Speaker 02

  I'm assuming you know what that means.

• 1:04:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, that's one of, that's one of the famous Descendants lines. Who, by the way, are opening up for social distortion here in Nashville.

• 1:05:08Dr. John Delony?

  If you don't think I'm not gonna be on the front row of that show without a shirt on, you are mistaken.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  I will not be anywhere in the vicinity.

• 1:05:16Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you kept, I was gonna say, you kept my shirt on last time, but it won't take itself off. I'm taking it off this time. The, the strike, it just, they just have a thing about them. But I'm going in full. No, that's awesome, dude. And hey, here's the magic here. This, this, what's his name, Joe? Joe chose to be more tired because I know that guy works hard. He's got two young kids. He's married. He's got a house. And he chose, it's so much easier just to hand the kids a controller and say, they like this. They're fine. And this guy said, I'm gonna be extra exhausted. I'm gonna go get more involved. We're gonna do things together, even though everything is pushing against that.

• 1:05:58Dr. John Delony?

  And the kids are the beneficiary. And by the way, so is he. It's awesome. All right, so we'll answer this question again in three or four weeks. We'll just keep running this one back.

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  Uh, no, apparently it's a once a year thing.

• 1:06:08Dr. John Delony?

  Once a year thing?

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  So sometime in '27.

• 1:06:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Joe, I'm the one. Another Descendants line. Bye.