MBMBaM 771: Face 2 Face: Le Oink

Live, ten minutes from Disneyland at the Grove Theater, we're bringing class and superhero merch to answer California's most pressing questions about friends and nemeses, good neighbors, and drawing photorealistic pictures. Why do you need to know what we look like? Suggested talking points: Scoop of Papa, The Enthusiastic Yelp of a Power Washer, OGG Farts, Pirate Radio Snack Wraps, Scareacter, Next Iteration of Mess Immigrant Defenders Law Center: https://www.immdef.org/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy Brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 0:21Speaker 01

  It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has gossip, it's rapping into a precious friendship.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  I could've never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. Life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better with you.

• 1:10Travis McElroy?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

• 1:21Travis McElroy?

  What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother, Travis Vroom Vroom McElroy.

• 1:28Griffin McElroy?

  What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, Griffin, sweet baby brother, 30 Under 30, media luminary, Bill Fortough, McElroy.

• 1:42Griffin McElroy?

  All right.

• 1:43Travis McElroy?

  You're right, he needs this more than we do.

• 1:46Travis McElroy?

  That's the message I'm getting, and I couldn't agree more. Now, Dad, I hope you don't go too far, pal. Anybody go see Superman today?

• 1:56Travis McElroy?

  Anybody see Superman at the Grove 30 AMC?

• 2:01Travis McElroy?

  At 9 a.m.?

• 2:02Travis McElroy?

  At 9 a.m.

• 2:03Griffin McElroy?

  In, in fucking IMAX?

• 2:07Travis McElroy?

  At 9 a.m. in IMAX.

• 2:11Travis McElroy?

  The time to see movies.

• 2:14Travis McElroy?

  When we asked for the tickets, they said, "Are you sure?"

• 2:18Griffin McElroy?

  They yell a lot in this movie. There's so much yelling. Your, your mind can't handle that at 9:00 in the morning.

• 2:26Travis McElroy?

  Hey, but we are 2,000 miles from where we live. So we thought, let's go see a movie. Now, I mention that distance because I'd like Dad to come back out real quick if he could, because I asked him to stay close by.

• 2:42Travis McElroy?

  Show us.

• 2:45Griffin McElroy?

  It's his fucking movie merch.

• 2:47Travis McElroy?

  So this is, again, this is a man that has a suitcase. This is a man that has a suitcase. And I just want to show you, Dad, what have you bought for us? What have you brought today?

• 2:58Speaker 05

  Well, Justin, today I have the special Superman commemorative cup.

• 3:04Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:05Speaker 05

  With cape.

• 3:09Speaker 05

  Which also came with a commemorative keychain.

• 3:16Speaker 05

  I know. And this lovely popcorn box. Shaped like a Daily Planet newspaper box.

• 3:25Travis McElroy?

  I want to touch on, uh, before the movie started, I overheard a conversation that happened in the seats directly behind us between a father and his son. I believe the son was probably about 10 years old. And he was talking about how he wanted one of those popcorn boxes that Dad had set up on the ledge in front of him. And the dad goes, "No way. Do you see how big that thing is?"

• 3:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:48Travis McElroy?

  "It's like the size of a seat. You don't need that."

• 3:51Griffin McElroy?

  And then I made eye contact with this child, like, "You're going a different path than I went."

• 3:59Griffin McElroy?

  Just because of who's raising you.

• 4:02Travis McElroy?

  But.

• 4:03Griffin McElroy?

  Justin also said, "The meanest thing I've ever heard him or anyone say to our father." Would you like to repeat that in front of the...? No, come on, Juice. You were proud enough of this to say it out loud in front of this little kid who was seated right behind us.

• 4:17Travis McElroy?

  Come on, come on, Justin, my son, my firstborn.

• 4:21Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I really, I don't want to do it.

• 4:24Griffin McElroy?

  Juice, no, no, Juice, it was mean, but you...

• 4:26Travis McElroy?

  It was too mean and I was mad because of how early it was and I wasn't...

• 4:29Travis McElroy?

  I didn't... I don't know what this is about me. I didn't think it was that mean.

• 4:33Griffin McElroy?

  I thought it was pretty mean, but you did eat, so can you please?

• 4:38Travis McElroy?

  I just told Dad that absolutely guaranteed 100% no question, I was gonna be putting his ashes in it.

• 4:48Travis McElroy?

  And it was not a damn thing he could say or do.

• 4:53Griffin McElroy?

  He goes right in there where the newspapers go.

• 4:55Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 4:56Griffin McElroy?

  And then that's great, because anytime we need a scoop of Papa.

• 5:00Travis McElroy?

  Like, like if it snows and there's ice on the driveway or something, we need to grit it?

• 5:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:05Travis McElroy?

  Also be a great little gerbil litter box.

• 5:07Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, that popcorn can't still be good, huh? Because we saw that movie at 9:00 in the goddamn morning.

• 5:11Travis McElroy?

  Alright, thanks Dad. Thank you so much, Dad. Appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you. Don't forget your glass.

• 5:18Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you don't want to lose the cup.

• 5:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:23Travis McElroy?

  Do you guys ever see him buy shit like that and think, "Oh, man, that money would have been mine in about 10 years"?

• 5:28Travis McElroy?

  You know what sucks? What sucks is I clowned on him so hard when the box came out and I was clowning on him so hard, that when the cup came out and I thought, "Man, that cup kinda fucks."

• 5:42Griffin McElroy?

  But you can't...

• 5:42Travis McElroy?

  I can't, I can't imagine what would happen to myself because I talk so much shit.

• 5:46Griffin McElroy?

  The cup with a cape kinda fucks?

• 5:51Travis McElroy?

  I like Superman, dude. I don't know, man. I like a big tumbler. I can make... It's perfect for white wine. You need a lot of...

• 5:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure, man.

• 5:59Travis McElroy?

  Space for that. This is My Brother, My Brother, Me. It's an advice show.

• 6:05Travis McElroy?

  We take your questions on this show and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom. We asked you, the people of Anaheim.

• 6:13Travis McElroy?

  We took a poll.

• 6:14Travis McElroy?

  And these are the questions that you sent in to us, the Brothers McElroy.

• 6:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's usually how it works.

• 6:20Travis McElroy?

  Justin, Travis, and Griffin.

• 6:22Travis McElroy?

  You guys know I'm vamping because my wifi won't connect. Now, hang on. How do you ask your neighbors if you can power wash their sidewalks for fun? That's from one of you in here, named Power Wash of Friendship. Are you here? Wait, sorry. Are you here? All right.

• 6:43Travis McElroy?

  Do you ever think in those moments when we ask, are you here, when there's like a significant break and then someone moves, that someone in the audience thought, oh, they're not here. The McElroy brothers are gonna feel terrible. I'll make a noise.

• 6:54Travis McElroy?

  It's definitely happened at least once, guaranteed.

• 6:55Griffin McElroy?

  That was the enthusiastic yelp of a power washer, if I've ever heard one.

• 7:00Travis McElroy?

  And I get it. One, I got my own power washer at home. I love that dang thing. It's fun. And I feel like I'm, I'm just taking care of bugs and ghosts or whatever. It's great. I get it.

• 7:13Travis McElroy?

  You're fucking bragging now onstage.

• 7:15Travis McElroy?

  I'm just talking about power washing, Griffin.

• 7:17Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I guess so. I don't know how you can communicate to the person that you are not just passive aggressively telling them they need to clean up their sidewalk. Because that sounds like an excuse that you would invent, like, well, I gotta clean them somehow. Oh, I know. I tell them I love to do it. That'll get, that'll smooth things along.

• 7:39Travis McElroy?

  How many times would you have to watch your neighbor power wash their own sidewalk? Before you went over to them, hat in hand, very shamefaced, and said, could you do mine too?

• 7:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Yeah, I would need to know they can handle their instrument, because it's a dangerous job. I don't want them going rogue and blasting one of my gnomes. Like, no fucking way, man.

• 7:59Travis McElroy?

  I need to make sure they're constantly moving. If they stay in one place for too long, they'll bore a hole.

• 8:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, right.

• 8:05Travis McElroy?

  Through the sidewalk. I don't need that.

• 8:06Travis McElroy?

  I, I think the most surprising thing about a power washer, and if you have a power washer, you know this, and I learned it the hard way, is that if you put the nozzle on just the right way, you will rip through cement. You will make lines in the cement. Now, I didn't know this.

• 8:25Travis McElroy?

  And when, and when it first happened, my thought was this, well, that can't be right. It's just water. It's just water. It's just fast water. And so I just like kept...

• 8:37Travis McElroy?

  How the fast water go in the rock? I just sat there, I just sat there doing it and thinking, that's the damnedest thing.

• 8:44Travis McElroy?

  Do you think that...

• 8:45Travis McElroy?

  There's no way, there's no way, that's what I keep thinking, there's no way this is happening.

• 8:49Travis McElroy?

  Do you think that's what God felt when he watched the river carve out the Grand Canyon?

• 8:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:54Travis McElroy?

  And he was like, no fucking way, man.

• 8:56Travis McElroy?

  No fucking way.

• 8:57Griffin McElroy?

  It's so big.

• 8:58Travis McElroy?

  Gabriel, Gabriel, that's his shit out.

• 9:00Travis McElroy?

  Gabriel, watch, wait, watch, hold on, wait, wait, wait, just keep watching.

• 9:02Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:03Travis McElroy?

  Just, it's like 2 million years, just watch, wait for once, wait for 2 million years. It's crazy, right?

• 9:09Travis McElroy?

  I gotta make people so they can see this.

• 9:12Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna act like I planned it, you watch, it's gonna be amazing.

• 9:16Travis McElroy?

  I better make donkeys too, I got a plan.

• 9:20Griffin McElroy?

  Would it be easier to make their sidewalks super duper yucky through some sort of sneaky means?

• 9:28Travis McElroy?

  Do you have a neighbor on the other side of their house who's a big messy boy?

• 9:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, and you just happened to be walking through with the nozzle on, and you just did their sidewalks.

• 9:36Travis McElroy?

  Oh, you were doing your own sidewalk, but you went a little too far?

• 9:39Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:39Travis McElroy?

  And then you offered to even it out?

• 9:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's good. I was trying to fly around on it like a Super Mario Sunshine did, and I got a little bit on your sidewalks, and I am sorry about that.

• 9:50Travis McElroy?

  No, no, Steve, just let me do your sidewalks for free, you don't understand the joy it'll bring me.

• 9:55Travis McElroy?

  I will, I do think you have made my sidewalks look demonstrably worse by comparison. You do owe me something, right? Like, you've just gone out there, cleaned your sidewalks, and made me aware of how bad mine look, so you do, you are in debt to me somehow.

• 10:11Travis McElroy?

  I thought we were all in this together.

• 10:13Travis McElroy?

  Right.

• 10:13Travis McElroy?

  I didn't know we were like a power washing street when I bought the house.

• 10:17Travis McElroy?

  Right.

• 10:17Griffin McElroy?

  I do love the impulse to explain to the neighbor that you are doing it for fun and not for nice. Like, you're explicitly telling them, like, you don't have to pay me, but also, this is about me, and not about you.

• 10:32Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I wouldn't do this if I didn't love it.

• 10:34Griffin McElroy?

  I actually hate your fucking guts, but you have a long, unblemished trail of asphalt out there that I would love to get my...

• 10:42Travis McElroy?

  I think it would be actually supremely blemished, right? That's the issue, right? It's tantalizingly blemished.

• 10:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:49Griffin McElroy?

  How about another question?

• 10:50Travis McElroy?

  Can I ask you guys a question?

• 10:51Travis McElroy?

  Uh, yeah.

• 10:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 10:53Travis McElroy?

  I was thinking about this the other day, and then I was reminded of it today during a conversation we had during dinner. You know how there are people who think, like, "Oh, 100 guys versus a gorilla. I think if I was one of those guys, I'd win." Or they think like, "Oh, I've never been in a fight before. I think I would fight."

• 11:11Travis McElroy?

  I don't know.

• 11:12Travis McElroy?

  Do you think it's normal

• 11:14Travis McElroy?

  I don't know about this.

• 11:14Travis McElroy?

  to believe that if faced with just something inhumanly evil, like something from hell,

• 11:20Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 11:21Travis McElroy?

  that in that moment, I could summon a blade of pure light?

• 11:25Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, I'm gonna put a-

• 11:26Travis McElroy?

  Do you think that's normal?

• 11:27Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 11:29Travis McElroy?

  Do other people feel that way?

• 11:32Griffin McElroy?

  This is, um, I feel like I'm having a dream, and it's not a good one. Do I think you would summon a bl-?

• 11:44Travis McElroy?

  No, not do you think I would? Do you think it's normal that I think I would?

• 11:48Griffin McElroy?

  I need you to promise not to yell, because me and Justin are about to say a lot of mean stuff at you

• 11:53Travis McElroy?

  Right.

• 11:54Griffin McElroy?

  pretty fast.

• 11:55Travis McElroy?

  And if we start talking over each other, it's gonna get unpleasant sonically.

• 12:00Griffin McElroy?

  Would you produce a blade of pure light if faced up? You can't- Trav, fuck, man! You just introduced this subject out of nowhere. The fucking bridge that you used to get us to the subject was a meme that is, at this point, 600 years old. You brought up fucking David after dentist and asked us to play in the space, and then also, that's not really what you wanna talk about onstage with your two brothers in front of 5,000 people. It is, can you project a blade of pure light out of your arm?

• 12:32Travis McElroy?

  No!

• 12:33Griffin McElroy?

  Like, what the fuck, man?

• 12:34Travis McElroy?

  Griffin, I can't stress this enough. I'm not asking if you think I could do it. I'm asking, do you think other people think they could do it just like I do? Is it normal to feel that way?

• 12:44Travis McElroy?

  What you're asking is, do other people think that it's normal for you to think it?

• 12:48Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 12:49Travis McElroy?

  And the answer to that is a resounding yes.

• 12:52Travis McElroy?

  If you-

• 12:53Griffin McElroy?

  If you start producing shit made out of pure radiant light out of your chest, or whatever.

• 12:59Travis McElroy?

  It would be in my hand, like I would just kinda throw my hand out and the blade would form.

• 13:04Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, that's weird.

• 13:06Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 13:07Griffin McElroy?

  It's gonna come out blade first then, it's gonna hurt your hand if it comes out of your chest then.

• 13:11Travis McElroy?

  No, it just, the handle would be in my hand and the blade would form.

• 13:14Griffin McElroy?

  If someone sees you produce anything made out of pure light from your hand or chest, do you realize the expectation you have been set in their mind? You're hanging out with them later and they're like, "Where's the clicker?" I don't know, Travis, produce one.

• 13:27Travis McElroy?

  When you see a mother lift like a burning car off their child, you're not like, "Great, Debbie can help me move later."

• 13:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:37Travis McElroy?

  At first, it's funny. At first, I was tolerating this just because I still couldn't get connected to the wifi. And then at a certain point, I did get connected to the wifi and I found myself powerless to stop it. It was like a real, it was a real hand on the stove kinda moment, you know what I mean? I was thinking like, "How long can you take it?" It's not like, I don't know.

• 13:59Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 14:00Travis McElroy?

  I'm an engineer, not an artist, but I mess around with drawing for fun. Hey, you're an artist. Many years ago-

• 14:09Griffin McElroy?

  A machine, a machine artist.

• 14:12Travis McElroy?

  Many years ago, I made a silly drawing based on a sillier inside joke between me and a friend. I thought it came out pretty good, so I decided to gift it to said friend. This friend displays all sorts of things around their house, from capital A art to McDonald's Happy Meal toys, and my drawing would absolutely fit in nicely. It has been well over a decade and I have-

• 14:37Travis McElroy?

  I wanted to see how y'all would react if I didn't put any mustard on it at all. And the answer was still pretty good, yeah.

• 14:44Griffin McElroy?

  He put some mustard, put the appropriate amount of mustard on it.

• 14:47Travis McElroy?

  It's been well over a decade and I have never seen my drawing again. How do I ask for it back?

• 14:58Travis McElroy?

  That's from "No Public Display of Friendship in Orange." "Are you here?" And I'm kinda hoping no, cuz I'm scared of you a little bit.

• 15:09Travis McElroy?

  Hi.

• 15:09Travis McElroy?

  Hello.

• 15:10Travis McElroy?

  Hi, this is a... Hi.

• 15:13Griffin McElroy?

  You're very close.

• 15:14Travis McElroy?

  You're quite close, huh?

• 15:16Travis McElroy?

  I could be farther away. A decade is a way of putting things that is so interesting to me. A decade is how a supervillain thinks in time. A supervillain thinks in terms of decade, score, millennia, eon.

• 15:33Griffin McElroy?

  Eon.

• 15:34Travis McElroy?

  For eons.

• 15:35Travis McElroy?

  Millennia, yeah.

• 15:36Travis McElroy?

  Millennia.

• 15:37Griffin McElroy?

  I can't remember shit from a decade ago. And it's so awesome and great that this is one of your decade-long memories.

• 15:48Travis McElroy?

  So much in my life has changed in the last decade. I've moved numerous times. The idea of someone I know saying, "Hey, do you remember that thing I handed you over a decade ago? Go get it for me now."

• 16:05Travis McElroy?

  I'd change my name and fake my death.

• 16:09Griffin McElroy?

  Do you think that they are going to say, "Oh, of course, I have it hanging..."

• 16:13Travis McElroy?

  I have it. "I filed it right here under friend drawing."

• 16:18Travis McElroy?

  Oh, that drawing you made? I have it.

• 16:21Travis McElroy?

  It was too beautiful. It's in my safety deposit box.

• 16:23Travis McElroy?

  Oh, that drawing? It's here, in my house.

• 16:27Griffin McElroy?

  We have it hanging in the annex. In reserve.

• 16:33Travis McElroy?

  I sealed it in resin. I got news for you. If they liked your art, they got a place to put it. It's called their walls. I'm very afraid to say that I don't think it is still exit in terms of like what you think.

• 16:47Travis McElroy?

  I go through this almost every day. I have two children, and they will hand me things that they have made constantly. And in my head, I have to decide, is... Are they handing it to me to display or to get rid of? And I can't ask that.

• 17:01Griffin McElroy?

  And they don't ever say it. They don't ever say, "Get rid of this for me," or "This is a test."

• 17:08Travis McElroy?

  I, uh, I was using a service to help with this for a, quite a while called Archive. And what you do is, there's a big box, and then you throw your kid's art, the good stuff, not the weak shit, like the good-

• 17:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. They're like, "I just kinda scribbled on a thing, look."

• 17:24Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you traced your hand, thank you. Um, so the good, the good stuff I'll save. But then, I swear to God, this is the most demented, like, I have loved this system, because it has saved me from having to do this calculation all the time. If there's any doubt, I'm just like, "Pfft," put it in the box. I came home, and with, oh, sorry, with the box, what you do is, you ship it out to this company and they digitize everything.

• 17:46Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, wow.

• 17:46Travis McElroy?

  So they'll like, they'll send you back like a digital file, or whatever, a book, however you want it. So, uh, uh, uh, I come in and I see Cooper has drawn a painting on the box.

• 18:01Griffin McElroy?

  Wow.

• 18:02Travis McElroy?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 18:03Griffin McElroy?

  Dude.

• 18:04Travis McElroy?

  It's the Kobayashi Maru!

• 18:07Travis McElroy?

  Guys, she drew a painting on the box over the label, "I need to send it to the company to digitize it."

• 18:15Griffin McElroy?

  Dude, can I just say, though? That's some Banksy-level meta-commentary.

• 18:23Travis McElroy?

  It's like, I couldn't even be mad.

• 18:25Griffin McElroy?

  It's worth millions at this point, Justin.

• 18:28Travis McElroy?

  I couldn't even be mad.

• 18:30Travis McElroy?

  So draw your friend another drawing, and then insist that they put them together. So you're like, "I just, it's a companion piece, I'd love to see the two side by side. I'll wait."

• 18:42Travis McElroy?

  You ca- yeah, hey, you know what's funny? If you didn't hang the front, could've, I thought you would've hung the map on the back.

• 18:49Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, that's good! What's the map, what's the map go to?

• 18:53Travis McElroy?

  And they'll, you'll say like, "I'm sure you noticed it." Well, why don't you go check it out right now?

• 18:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that'll get a, you got me good, I got no response to that, man.

• 19:01Travis McElroy?

  When they go to look for it, they'll never come back out. You just don't have that friend anymore, they will wait for you to leave their house.

• 19:09Travis McElroy?

  They do not need to be party to that.

• 19:11Travis McElroy?

  Listen, um, it's so wonderful to be here in Anaheim-

• 19:14Griffin McElroy?

  I was just thinking that.

• 19:15Travis McElroy?

  I'd like to take this moment to just kinda class up the show a little bit, it's been a little silly and a little-

• 19:20Travis McElroy?

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 19:23Travis McElroy?

  A little pure rile, if you will, with random people bringing up Swords of Pure Light. Um, so I'd like to present a little work of fart.

• 19:42Griffin McElroy?

  I hate that stinger every fucking time I hear it played. Do you realize what a shame it is to me, for me? What a shame it is on me. Whenever people ask me what I do, and I explain, this is the moment I always think of. Playing that wet fart noise at 64 kilobytes.

• 20:01Travis McElroy?

  And that was a new one. Paul changed it up with the fart.

• 20:03Griffin McElroy?

  I was actually gonna say, that sounded fully lossless.

• 20:06Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, super.

• 20:07Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, well now when I tell people what I do and I think of this exact fucking moment, I won't feel embarrassed because the fart noise was a higher resolution, for sure.

• 20:15Travis McElroy?

  What I do is I notice the difference in bitrates of fart noises.

• 20:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 20:19Travis McElroy?

  I notice whether or not fart noises are ogphiles.

• 20:22Travis McElroy?

  I will present to both of you some works of fart.

• 20:26Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 20:27Travis McElroy?

  Uh, specifically this time, Disney related, as we are here in Anaheim, home of Disneyland.

• 20:31Griffin McElroy?

  Amazing.

• 20:32Travis McElroy?

  Um, so you will have to tell me which Disney titles slightly change.

• 20:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure.

• 20:38Travis McElroy?

  Uh, I am talking about.

• 20:39Griffin McElroy?

  I despise this game and I absolutely smash ass at it. Let's fucking go.

• 20:44Travis McElroy?

  This version of the animated undersea classic reveals that those creepy shriveled things-

• 20:49Griffin McElroy?

  The little spermade.

• 20:52Griffin McElroy?

  I'm just saying. You gotta get out of bed a little bit.

• 20:55Travis McElroy?

  No, get down, now, can I say?

• 20:59Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, I'm sorry, do I not smash? Just ask me that. Just say, Griffin, Griffin, please, please, please, no smash my ass.

• 21:05Travis McElroy?

  Say that, like, just say, if you want-

• 21:07Travis McElroy?

  I'm super not gonna say that. Like, super not gonna say that. You know I'm not gonna say anything like that.

• 21:11Griffin McElroy?

  Say, don't smash that much ass, dude, and I will back. I swear, I promise you, dude, I-

• 21:15Travis McElroy?

  Just like, I was saying, he wrote the jet, like-

• 21:17Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I'll pump the brakes if you don't want me to smash complete ass, dude, for sure.

• 21:21Travis McElroy?

  You zoom out. It's a comedy podcast.

• 21:24Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 21:24Travis McElroy?

  They came here for-

• 21:25Griffin McElroy?

  A competitive comedy podcast. Yeah, and I'm smashing ass over here.

• 21:28Travis McElroy?

  Travis went to the trouble of writing the jokes-

• 21:32Travis McElroy?

  Can I tell you, the biggest joke is on Griffin as proving he thinks about this the same way I do.

• 21:37Griffin McElroy?

  I know, it sucks! I smash ass at this and very little else.

• 21:42Travis McElroy?

  I just feel like you should be forced to let him finish the setup.

• 21:45Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, cool.

• 21:46Travis McElroy?

  So the audience can enjoy the whole bit.

• 21:49Griffin McElroy?

  What if I'm wrong?

• 21:50Travis McElroy?

  This version of the animated undersea classic reveals that those creepy shriveled things Ursula has captured are mermaids.

• 21:55Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 21:56Travis McElroy?

  And it was the Little Mermaid. Little Spurmaid, thank you. Okay, this next one is written in the form of a personal ad.

• 22:02Travis McElroy?

  Thank goodness.

• 22:03Griffin McElroy?

  Why?

• 22:04Travis McElroy?

  As I suspected you would say soon.

• 22:07Travis McElroy?

  Cursed furry with anger issues seek to cake up book lover with ass for days.

• 22:14Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, The Booty and the Beast?

• 22:15Travis McElroy?

  Correct!

• 22:16Griffin McElroy?

  That sucks.

• 22:23Griffin McElroy?

  I hate that it took me as long as it took me to get that. I'm embarrassed that I didn't get it faster.

• 22:28Griffin McElroy?

  Fuck.

• 22:29Travis McElroy?

  In a retelling of the Rapunzel story from Flynn Rider's point of view, he spends most of the movie hanging his dick over things.

• 22:38Griffin McElroy?

  Dangle?

• 22:52Griffin McElroy?

  You're fucking alright, Travis McElroy.

• 22:57Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 23:00Travis McElroy?

  He may not be a real boy, but this puppet is all man, and his nose isn't the only thing that grows.

• 23:07Griffin McElroy?

  Tilk-o-ke?

• 23:09Travis McElroy?

  No.

• 23:14Griffin McElroy?

  Pin-o-ke?

• 23:18Travis McElroy?

  I was looking for Pin-o-ke. I also would have accepted Penis-o-ke, it just doesn't work as well.

• 23:24Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 23:25Travis McElroy?

  Okay, I got one more. He may not be considered a looker, but this guy sure knows how to ring those bells and swing his balls.

• 23:34Griffin McElroy?

  The Hunch sack of Notre Dame.

• 23:35Travis McElroy?

  Correct!

• 23:37Griffin McElroy?

  Sucks.

• 23:38Travis McElroy?

  Sucks, that's great. I can't even tell who won. It's hard to say.

• 23:41Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, I got all of them.

• 23:42Travis McElroy?

  Only I win in work of art.

• 23:44Griffin McElroy?

  Except I do, but I did, but I did, but I did win, right? Yeah, you won. Okay, good.

• 23:51Travis McElroy?

  He needs this, Justin. We don't need it. You and I have our own things going.

• 23:56Travis McElroy?

  We coach a high school esports team, and we want to buy matching uniforms to help our players be taken seriously. How do we convince a bunch of skeptical gamer teens that wearing matching uniforms is cool? That's from Jersey Jadids in Orange County. Are you here?

• 24:16Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome.

• 24:16Travis McElroy?

  Hoggers.

• 24:17Griffin McElroy?

  What?

• 24:19Travis McElroy?

  Hoggers.

• 24:21Griffin McElroy?

  I do not know what that is.

• 24:26Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, does it have to be an athletic-looking uniform? Could it just be like, could it just, you have six Wolverines?

• 24:36Travis McElroy?

  At least let them be Deadpools. They said they wanted to be respected.

• 24:39Travis McElroy?

  You have to earn Deadpool. The team captain can be Deadpool.

• 24:43Griffin McElroy?

  Deadpool.

• 24:43Travis McElroy?

  Whoa, what if you have, are you saying you have one Deadpool and several Wolverines on each team? Or are you saying you have a power ranking?

• 24:50Travis McElroy?

  On each team, hold on. So you're saying that competing teams of esports athletes...

• 24:55Griffin McElroy?

  Sometimes a family is one Deadpool and his five Wolverines.

• 25:00Travis McElroy?

  I'm saying, here's what I'm saying. However many numbers of your chess team there are, you should have that many iconic outfits.

• 25:07Griffin McElroy?

  Esports.

• 25:07Travis McElroy?

  If you have four, then you should do Sex and the City characters. So each one of you, there's one Samantha, one Charlotte, one, you know.

• 25:16Griffin McElroy?

  Carrie.

• 25:17Travis McElroy?

  You get it?

• 25:17Griffin McElroy?

  One Miranda.

• 25:18Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, the whole, the whole bit. But if you got seven or eight, um, Avengers? I don't know.

• 25:25Griffin McElroy?

  Cool. The wheels fell off.

• 25:28Travis McElroy?

  Once you get to seven, it's a lot harder to contextualize. Like a seven-member team? I mean, I should have said five, because then you got the Planet Tears you got them dressed up as.

• 25:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure.

• 25:37Travis McElroy?

  I think that you're missing the obvious option here. It's one word: skins.

• 25:44Travis McElroy?

  Like Fortnite skins.

• 25:47Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. It sounded like about-

• 25:49Travis McElroy?

  I heard it. I heard it. I heard it as I said it.

• 25:53Travis McElroy?

  So I assume we're getting a bunch of war boys together, a bunch of... It's just a bunch of shirtless teens. Zerking, zerking out.

• 26:05Travis McElroy?

  Zerking out.

• 26:06Griffin McElroy?

  They do the same thing every time, but look at them. They're so intimidating.

• 26:11Travis McElroy?

  No, I meant don't call them uniforms, call them skins like Fortnite skins. But now I see that maybe don't introduce the concept of skins to your teenage war kids.

• 26:20Griffin McElroy?

  Because it'll be too powerful and then all the teams will want to be skins. And then it'll just be a fight over who gets to be skins and who's on shirts today.

• 26:27Travis McElroy?

  I think if you could earn, what if you did loot crates? Just little cardboard boxes that you let them rip them open. There's different size uniforms. Maybe they fit, maybe they don't, you know?

• 26:36Travis McElroy?

  You gotta trade them in.

• 26:37Travis McElroy?

  Gotta trade them in.

• 26:39Travis McElroy?

  And give them kids a spray paint that they can spray their own tags on stuff.

• 26:42Griffin McElroy?

  They don't make you worry about that in Fortnite where you open one up and it's like, "Oh, cool. I can wear a suit to look like Bruno Mars." "Aw, man. It's way too big for my guy." "I look like I'm wearing Bruno Mars' dad's clothes, dang it."

• 26:56Travis McElroy?

  They also don't show whatever custodial staff there is in Fortnite, who has to go around scrubbing all the spray paint tags off of everything after the game ends. Aw, dang kids.

• 27:07Griffin McElroy?

  By the way, we're about to do 20 minutes of observational Fortnite humor. So brace your asses.

• 27:16Travis McElroy?

  More like fart night.

• 27:17Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 27:20Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, can it give you some sort of advantage in the game? Can it be pumping, have pumps with coolant?

• 27:30Travis McElroy?

  Okay, yeah.

• 27:31Griffin McElroy?

  I'm imagining sort of like Bane, but it's like pumping, like, you know, uh, energy drinks.

• 27:37Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, like Monster, yeah.

• 27:39Griffin McElroy?

  Like Monster.

• 27:40Travis McElroy?

  If they could make suits that would like work your muscles to keep you from getting carpal tunnel syndrome, that would be huge.

• 27:46Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that'd be sick, too.

• 27:47Travis McElroy?

  Send all electrical pulses? What about like darts? Like what if the uniforms had dart guns like built in like weapons?

• 27:56Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:57Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, like smoke bombs and stuff.

• 27:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, do you think that would let, do you think they would let that happen? Do you think they would let that? The rules differ.

• 28:05Travis McElroy?

  Just like six predator costumes.

• 28:07Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. A EMP that they can set off if the match starts going not their way.

• 28:13Travis McElroy?

  A bunch of switchblades.

• 28:15Travis McElroy?

  We're just talking about lowdown at this point. I haven't had these uniforms anymore. Hey, here's another question. I'm an artist and I like to go to places like coffee shops to practice drawing strangers as they go about their business. It's a great way to practice figure drawing. The problem is, from a distance, it looks like I'm just intently staring at people while scribbling in a notebook.

• 28:36Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, alright.

• 28:38Travis McElroy?

  From a distance, it looks like what it is.

• 28:41Travis McElroy?

  Brothers, how do I get my art practice in without coming across as creepy? And that's from my promise, I'm an artist, not a serial killer.

• 28:50Griffin McElroy?

  Are you here? Hello?

• 28:53Travis McElroy?

  Hey, I want to say, first off, most are both.

• 29:00Griffin McElroy?

  That is a good point. The Venn diagram, most artists aren't, most serial killers are.

• 29:05Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 29:07Travis McElroy?

  Have you ever considered building a hunting blind?

• 29:11Travis McElroy?

  Obviously not for hunting.

• 29:12Griffin McElroy?

  No, no, no. You're draw, then maybe call it something fuck out.

• 29:16Travis McElroy?

  An artist's blind? Some kind of camouflage, perhaps a fake bookcase that you can stand behind, not be spotted by your prey.

• 29:26Travis McElroy?

  The subject.

• 29:29Travis McElroy?

  Everybody's so PC these days.

• 29:33Travis McElroy?

  Can't even call human prey anymore.

• 29:36Griffin McElroy?

  If I saw someone taking discreet photos of me while seated in the corner of a cafe, I would be bummed out by that. I would not, but I would want to walk over and say like, hey, don't take a picture of me. If someone's doing a sketch of me and I walk over, I guess it depends on how good the sketch is. That's my bar. If the sketch is so good that it almost looks like a photograph of me, fuck that. You can't have that for free, no way.

• 30:06Travis McElroy?

  Wait, are you saying, sorry. Is the idea here that the better the picture is, the more upsetting you find the picture?

• 30:13Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, the more they caught me.

• 30:14Travis McElroy?

  I agree, because the better the picture is, the less practice they need.

• 30:17Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 30:18Travis McElroy?

  You could have hired a model at this point. I understand if you're so bad at it, that you're like, "I can't even, like, show this to a model or take a class, they wouldn't see this." Yeah, of course you would have to do that in the wild. But if you're really good at it, go pay.

• 30:33Griffin McElroy?

  But if they really fucking capture me, I don't want them to have that. No way! What are you gonna do with it, creepazoid?

• 30:42Travis McElroy?

  Why do you need to know what I look like so bad?

• 30:44Griffin McElroy?

  But if it's a shitty drawing of me where you can't tell it's me, go right ahead.

• 30:50Travis McElroy?

  Now, Griffin, let me ask you a question.

• 30:51Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, go ahead. I feel like I've established my rules pretty solid.

• 30:55Travis McElroy?

  In this same scenario, you look over.

• 30:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 30:57Travis McElroy?

  Someone's clearly drawing you.

• 30:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:00Travis McElroy?

  You can hear it, right? You can hear it? Okay, go ahead.

• 31:03Travis McElroy?

  They have a big easel set up.

• 31:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:06Travis McElroy?

  They're wearing a floppy beret.

• 31:08Travis McElroy?

  Sure.

• 31:08Travis McElroy?

  Maybe like a linen tunic.

• 31:10Griffin McElroy?

  Why?

• 31:11Travis McElroy?

  They've got like a paintbrush behind their ear.

• 31:13Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:13Travis McElroy?

  They're constantly leaning out, pointing a thumb at you. That's clearly an artist.

• 31:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:19Travis McElroy?

  Does that help?

• 31:19Griffin McElroy?

  No, it doesn't! Did you hear my rules? If I walk over and the painting looks exactly like me, I'm gonna slap it to the ground and say, "You can't have my picture like that."

• 31:28Travis McElroy?

  What if it's like a cubist or abstract, but it's clearly you?

• 31:31Griffin McElroy?

  Go right ahead, baby! That could be fucking anybody!

• 31:36Travis McElroy?

  What if it's like you, but very green?

• 31:42Travis McElroy?

  But it's clearly you, but it's green.

• 31:44Travis McElroy?

  It's like a, it's like a Shrek hill?

• 31:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:48Griffin McElroy?

  Have they, how much of my features have they accurately captured?

• 31:53Travis McElroy?

  Dead on, but it's very green.

• 31:54Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no way you can have that! What are you gonna do with that, you fucking weird beard?

• 32:00Travis McElroy?

  What if you're just one of like nine different subjects in the picture? But all share equal focus?

• 32:06Travis McElroy?

  No way.

• 32:06Griffin McElroy?

  Um...

• 32:07Travis McElroy?

  And you're very red.

• 32:08Travis McElroy?

  He doesn't deserve that!

• 32:10Griffin McElroy?

  No, I can answer this! Hold on, let me run it through the rubric. That's probably just nine that they're gonna, you know, jerk off to or whatever.

• 32:21Travis McElroy?

  Okay, what if you go over there, it's a caricature of you on a skateboard.

• 32:24Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 32:25Travis McElroy?

  Totally shredding.

• 32:26Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 32:27Travis McElroy?

  And saying like, "Hang loose dude."

• 32:28Griffin McElroy?

  Do I have a shirt on?

• 32:31Travis McElroy?

  It's unbuttoned.

• 32:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it's on the bubble, but go right ahead. You're in the clear.

• 32:39Travis McElroy?

  I understand why you can't mention it to somebody there, because if someone said this to me, I would have no problem with it, but I would immediately start posing like Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets. You know, arching my back to find the sexiest way of emulating retro games on my Linux laptop.

• 32:57Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, we're gonna take a quick break and come back and do more goofs and jokes. We got signed posters out in the lobby. Have a bathroom break, get in whatever, and we'll be back soon. Bye.

• 33:17Griffin McElroy?

  Folks, they say that a fool and their money are often parted. And, anyway, our dad has been interested in using Rocket Money to sort of square up his finances. Yeah, I've been very foolish. Very, very foolish.

• 33:30Travis McElroy?

  Griffin, give dad the URL where he can get started right now. Start with that, and dad can start signing up.

• 33:36Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, it's rocketmoney.com-mybrother, and then you go there and you can sign up, and it's great.

• 33:41Travis McElroy?

  Let's act like dad's not already convinced, though, and maybe like sell him on it, or like ignore the fact that he's already convinced.

• 33:48Travis McElroy?

  Well, while he's signing up, I could tell him that it is gonna look at your spending, and it's gonna highlight some places where you could save a few bucks. One great way is subscriptions. It looks at some subs you may have forgotten, and ask if you want to keep them. They may even be able to help you cancel them or save a few bucks on them, dad.

• 34:05Travis McElroy?

  Man.

• 34:07Griffin McElroy?

  Now I'm even more convinced, Justin.

• 34:09Travis McElroy?

  Okay, yeah, but hold on Dad, because Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions. Just to be clear Dad, that's all of them together have saved 500 million. Not each one saves 500 million, I don't want you to get confused. With each member saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.

• 34:30Travis McElroy?

  Travis Griffin, I'm a little bit worried about something. If the Rocket Money robots start climbing through Dad's finances looking for, quote, "unnecessary purchases," I'm afraid their little robo-brains might melt.

• 34:44Travis McElroy?

  That's fair.

• 34:45Griffin McElroy?

  I think that the robots at Rocket Money are top of the line models. They will be able to scan his finances and help him save money, no problem.

• 34:53Travis McElroy?

  I would, I would love. Dad, can you report back? Hopefully we'll have another Rocket Money ad at some point. Report back and tell me what crazy garbage the thing found in your, in your history.

• 35:03Griffin McElroy?

  Be like our dad in this one specific way only. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/mybrother today. That's rocketmoney.com/mybrother, one last time, rocketmoney.com/mybrother.

• 35:19Travis McElroy?

  Dad, how's that silent prices going?

• 35:20Griffin McElroy?

  Really good. I need the, whatever the, the, the code is again.

• 35:24Travis McElroy?

  Rocketmoney.com/mybrother.

• 35:27Griffin McElroy?

  We just said it three times, man. Yeah, you had to have already gone to it. I type with my thumbs.

• 35:32Travis McElroy?

  I'm ignoring my dad now.

• 35:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yes.

• 35:34Travis McElroy?

  Because I also want to bring everyone's attention to the fact that it's nice outside. Especially here, we're recording this live in Anaheim, the weather.

• 35:42Travis McElroy?

  California's always like 10 degrees better than where you live.

• 35:47Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, and I'll tell you, when the weather's nice like that, I don't want to spend all my time inside. Cooking, gross. So instead.

• 35:54Griffin McElroy?

  With all the oil and all, and all the gritty spices.

• 35:57Travis McElroy?

  I do live in an oil there, that's true.

• 36:00Griffin McElroy?

  And you spill the gritty spices on the floor, you walk around the floor layer, feels like sand.

• 36:04Travis McElroy?

  The spice must flow, Griffin.

• 36:06Griffin McElroy?

  No way.

• 36:07Travis McElroy?

  That's why I turned to Factor, because Factor's chef crafted meals are ready in just 2 minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well.

• 36:15Griffin McElroy?

  Drop all the spaghetti, goes down the air conditioning vent on the floor, you gotta fish it out.

• 36:19Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 36:20Griffin McElroy?

  No way, man.

• 36:21Travis McElroy?

  That happens to me every day.

• 36:23Griffin McElroy?

  Only factor, I don't have to go spaghetti fishing in the air conditioning.

• 36:27Travis McElroy?

  Sometimes I accidentally throw the spaghetti, it goes in the ceiling fan, gets everywhere.

• 36:31Griffin McElroy?

  A piece of spaghetti hit my son in the eye the other day.

• 36:34Travis McElroy?

  Hey Griffin, a lot of kids at school told me that Factor meals are just a bunch of carrots and cucumbers chopped up with ketchup mixed around.

• 36:41Griffin McElroy?

  That's so weird. They said that because it's so not true. They've got 45 weekly menu options that can fit your, your goals, your tastes, whatever.

• 36:50Travis McElroy?

  That's why I like that.

• 36:53Griffin McElroy?

  It's better that way for sure. Uh, they've got nutritious breakfast. They got on the go lunches, premium dinners, whatever you are in the mood for. Factor's got your whole day covered.

• 37:03Travis McElroy?

  So get started at factormeals.com slash brother 50 off and use code brother 50 off. That's brother 5 O off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code brother 50 off at factormeals.com slash brother 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping. Factormeals.com slash brother 50 off.

• 37:28Griffin McElroy?

  Oh my God, he's, he's looping.

• 37:30Travis McElroy?

  It's fun to say.

• 37:31Griffin McElroy?

  He's trapped in the singularity.

• 37:33Travis McElroy?

  Brother 50 off also sounds like some kind of like weird monk character that I've written about.

• 37:38Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I think dad is done signing up for Rocket Money because his phone is curling into a monkey's paw.

• 37:45Griffin McElroy?

  Enjoy the rest of the show, folks.

• 37:49Speaker 06

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• 37:50Speaker 07

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• 37:53Speaker 06

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• 37:55Speaker 07

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• 38:00Speaker 06

  I don't know what a Josie Long is. And anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I?

• 38:18Speaker 07

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• 38:20Speaker 06

  Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

• 38:26Speaker 07

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• 38:28Speaker 06

  I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy four as we speak. Mother, mother, not that hat.

• 38:34Speaker 08

  Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where Black People Love Paramore comes in. We're a pop culture podcast, taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo, to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint: she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited. No matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.

• 39:18Griffin McElroy?

  There's a table and chairs set up. By the way, there's a table and chairs set up immediately behind this screen. It's where we signed some of those lovely posters earlier. And right now, right before we walked on stage, we saw that dad is sitting at one of those chairs, literally right behind this screen, just...

• 39:38Griffin McElroy?

  If we seem a little on edge,

• 39:43Griffin McElroy?

  that is why.

• 39:44Travis McElroy?

  Dun la la la la.

• 39:50Travis McElroy?

  Rrra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra.

• 39:53Griffin McElroy?

  All right.

• 39:54Travis McElroy?

  Dun la la la la. Yeah. Dun la la la la la la la la la la la la. I wanna munch! Wow!

• 40:02Griffin McElroy?

  Ba ba ba ba ba ba. I want to munch!

• 40:06Travis McElroy?

  Wow!

• 40:06Griffin McElroy?

  Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Welcome to Munch Squad, this podcast within a podcast, profiling.

• 40:13Griffin McElroy?

  The very latest and the very greatest in brand eating.

• 40:18Speaker 08

  I hope some folks over at Angel Stadium heard that and were like, "What the fuck they got going on over there?"

• 40:23Griffin McElroy?

  That sounds like 5,000 people screaming "Squad!"

• 40:28Travis McElroy?

  What's up with the giant helmets? Hey, what's up with those giant helmets?

• 40:33Travis McElroy?

  It protects their giant heads.

• 40:35Travis McElroy?

  Outside the stadium, those are biggest helmets I've ever seen. It's amazing. I thought that big blue horse in Denver was big, but these helmets are something else.

• 40:45Travis McElroy?

  We're gonna start a rivalry between Anaheim and Denver tonight.

• 40:49Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 40:49Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, let's get it going. Hey, folks, I don't know.

• 40:51Griffin McElroy?

  You're ready to hate.

• 40:52Travis McElroy?

  You guys were too ready.

• 40:53Griffin McElroy?

  You're so ready to hate.

• 40:55Travis McElroy?

  Finally, an excuse to hate Denver.

• 40:58Travis McElroy?

  Um, I don't know if you all heard the news, but I hope you heard the news, because snack wraps are back.

• 41:06Travis McElroy?

  I mean, they're just back, brother. We're right here in the middle of snack wrap fever. You didn't know it, but this is a snack wrap emergency. They just came back yesterday, and America is losing its fucking mind.

• 41:20Travis McElroy?

  Wait, go back. Did that Marquis say snack wrap is like? You won.

• 41:23Griffin McElroy?

  I love how defeated.

• 41:25Travis McElroy?

  This is how McDonald's has been messaging the snack wrap return. If you can zoom in there on the text, Paul, because it's a little difficult to... Oh, I'm wearing my glasses still, sorry. I, uh, Dad...

• 41:35Travis McElroy?

  No, up top, up top.

• 41:37Travis McElroy?

  Dad made me feel bad about my eye, and he told me to put my glasses back on at one point. So I've been wearing them very intentionally anytime he's around, like, and apologizing, like, "Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. Let me put my glasses back on, so you don't have to look at your son."

• 41:51Griffin McElroy?

  It's because he saw Superman at 9:00 a.m. on IMAX, and it made his left eyeball explode.

• 41:58Travis McElroy?

  I'm so glad that McDonald's brought back the snack wrap, because since it went away, I've been craving a chicken tender in a tortilla with a couple shreds of lettuce and some cheese and ranch, and I couldn't crack the recipe.

• 42:11Travis McElroy?

  Well, you know what's amazing is Dad was confused. He was like, "Wait a minute, they've had the snack wrap back for a while." I was like, "Okay, Dad, I understand why you think that, because our, the local affiliate..." I don't think that's the term. "The franchisee of McDonald's in Huntington just went absolutely loco and started their own snack wraps a couple of years ago." They looked around and realized that Kroger would legally sell them tortillas and chicken tenders, and they just fucking went for it.

• 42:39Griffin McElroy?

  That rules.

• 42:40Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, so I've been enjoying these bad boys for a while.

• 42:43Travis McElroy?

  The pirate radio snack wrap.

• 42:45Travis McElroy?

  This is the entirety of the press release, by the way, when they announced it. The following statement was released today by Joe Erlinger, President of McDonald's USA, in response to questions about the return of the iconic snack wrap to menus. It's back.

• 42:59Travis McElroy?

  That's- Why are they so embarrassed of this chicken tooth? They're so mad, and honestly, if you are surprised by this news and you do not see the writing on the wall when the crispy strip was introduced to the menu, you are high. They had all the clues they needed. They're all in front of you.

• 43:15Travis McElroy?

  Can I just say, looking at it again, I think maybe one of the reasons they're writing this from such an embarrassed kind of voice is because they realize, like, my theory is that the reason they stopped carrying snack wraps is not because they made a decision. It's like the cheapest, easiest-to-build ingredients ever. They forgot to, like, check a box on a form at a yearly meeting, and then it was like, "Oh, fuck, how long has it been since we didn't do snack wraps? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

• 43:41Travis McElroy?

  You can't make it blast goo like that at home, man. That takes special machinery. So when I say America's losing its fucking mind over this beauty, I mean, America's losing its mind. Paul, I've pulled a sampling of some reactions from across the globe. We've got media reports, we've got local testimonials, we've got it all. Oh, we got a printed review here. My honest review of the snack wrap is, um, not good. There was so much ranch, like a fruit gusher, but ranch. The chicken tastes like a possum leg.

• 44:13Travis McElroy?

  How specific?

• 44:15Travis McElroy?

  The, I, by the way, my Facebook's all West Virginia people talking about it, so I may be getting some local flavor, I don't know. I was gonna say, man. I waited so long for this, so long. I'm sticking to Burger King's chicken wraps, alright. Are these snack wraps good or not? Because I haven't ate McDonald's all motherfucking year! So if that go and they're trash, I'm flipping everything over! That's not a review, I guess.

• 44:40Travis McElroy?

  We're so back. Woke up feeling much better today and emptier after a stomach bug yesterday. Gross. Guys, this is Fox 13's Regina Gonzalez. Hey Regina, you fucking... After I blew my asshole inside out yesterday. Breaking news. While hubs looked on, we had, obviously had to commemorate this special day. Snack wraps have made a return to McDonald's after five years. It's been 10. Fun fact, when Spencer and I started dating, we would go on weekends. We would always make a point to grab these the other way home. Kinda feels like a wedding present from McDonald's. That is the ending of someone that forgot they started with dropping ass. Yeah.

• 45:20Travis McElroy?

  Now, I also love, and sometimes punctuation can be so powerful.

• 45:25Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 45:25Travis McElroy?

  Uh, kinda feels like a wedding present from McDonald's? Question mark, question mark. Uh, I don't know. I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm so dehydrated right now. I shit for 36 hours straight. Come on.

• 45:40Travis McElroy?

  Uh, what else? Uh, we tried the snack wraps and we were highly disappointed. Three out of 10. The chicken tender was giving dinosaur tail or something. Shit was chilly as fuck.

• 45:53Travis McElroy?

  The fuck?

• 45:53Travis McElroy?

  Dinosaur tail.

• 45:55Travis McElroy?

  Okay, y'all sitting out there judging the West Virginia person for talking about days like a boss. I'm like, who out here is eating dinosaur tail that we don't know about? Do you guys have access to that here? Fuck.

• 46:08Travis McElroy?

  Paul, do you have it? Can you play the Today Show? Oh, yeah, okay, okay, listen.

• 46:12Speaker 09

  The snack wrap is back for good and guys, look, after nearly 10 long years, we get to sink our teeth into one.

• 46:16Speaker 10

  Had you had one before?

• 46:18Speaker 09

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:18Speaker 10

  Okay.

• 46:18Speaker 09

  It's like taking a bite of nostalgia. I don't remember the snack wrap, but you've wolfed that round down.

• 46:23Speaker 10

  I used to love a snack wrap.

• 46:24Speaker 09

  Really?

• 46:25Speaker 10

  Oh, my gosh.

• 46:25Speaker 09

  Okay.

• 46:26Speaker 10

  My kids are gonna be very excited.

• 46:27Speaker 09

  And look, it's like, I brought it back.

• 46:29Speaker 10

  It's perfect.

• 46:30Speaker 09

  It's like an I voted sticker, but instead it's about this.

• 46:33Travis McElroy?

  What's happening? Sorry, one more time, if you could just play the last second of that. Savannah Guthrie just said, uh, the craziest thing I've ever heard anybody say out loud. One more time, it's, the sticker is like, what Savannah?

• 46:46Speaker 09

  It's like an I voted sticker, but instead it's about this.

• 46:51Travis McElroy?

  Um, next up-

• 46:52Travis McElroy?

  That felt like a thing from a sketch.

• 46:56Travis McElroy?

  No.

• 46:56Travis McElroy?

  Is that real?

• 46:57Travis McElroy?

  It's all fucking real, Travis. America's losing-

• 47:00Travis McElroy?

  A bite of nostalgia?

• 47:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man.

• 47:02Travis McElroy?

  Um, I-

• 47:04Travis McElroy?

  You haven't had chicken tenders and ranch in a decade?

• 47:08Travis McElroy?

  So, Paul, do you have the text message? Okay, so-

• 47:12Griffin McElroy?

  This is how he actually talks to us in group texts, by the way.

• 47:16Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 47:18Griffin McElroy?

  Just, it starts with "my ass is going to Micro Center, fuck y'all" is a pretty good cross-section of how we-

• 47:24Travis McElroy?

  That, and, so you know, was in response to dad asking if Justin wanted to go to a bookstore with him.

• 47:31Travis McElroy?

  He said some mean things about my eyeball, though, remember?

• 47:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah, sure.

• 47:35Travis McElroy?

  After you told him you were gonna put his ashes in a popcorn bucket!

• 47:40Travis McElroy?

  So, anyway, dad said "right now", and then I was like, "I don't wanna go to Micro Center with dad", so I was like, "just kidding, just JK, JK", and then dad's like, "lol", and then Amanda says "10 minute lift right away", and I was excited, and then I say,

• 47:55Travis McElroy?

  "y'all want any snack wraps? I'm gonna order some at 12:44". At least two of the people in this chat, I signed their paychecks. See the time at the top of this, Paul? It's 2:30. It's an hour and 45 minutes later. I'm here to tell you, friends, I could've screen capped it right now-

• 48:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 48:19Travis McElroy?

  -'cause I still am waiting a response to that particular text.

• 48:22Travis McElroy?

  I am still, to this very second, trying to decide what sauce I want.

• 48:26Travis McElroy?

  12:44 to 8:55, yep, it's, okay, Griffin just texted "yes".

• 48:34Travis McElroy?

  So, I thought everybody would want some, and they'd wanna get in. I'll try, dad wants some too. He just said, "dad wants some too". I thought everybody would wanna get on the action, but they didn't, but that's okay, 'cause I, I've brought the experience to you. Hi, hi, welcome to my exclusive taste test of the, um, the new return McDonald's snack wrap. Uh, I have invited some of the other brothers over and some of our other folks here, but I haven't heard back, uh, but I didn't want them to get cold, so I didn't think that was fair to McDonald's. So, let's just get into it. Um, I'm gonna start with this one. I don't know which is which, but this one didn't fit into my pyramid I made, so... I wish I hadn't gotten so many.

• 49:15Travis McElroy?

  Sorry, I thought I heard it on. Okay, so this is the wrap. This was mine, because there's no sauce on it. Now let's give this a try, and I'll try one of the ones with sauce.

• 49:24Travis McElroy?

  Did you ask for it dry?

• 49:24Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, for sure, man.

• 49:29Travis McElroy?

  Thank you.

• 49:31Travis McElroy?

  No one needs that.

• 49:37Travis McElroy?

  I'm looking for a drink. I wanted to get a drink.

• 49:40Travis McElroy?

  He has a dry loaf.

• 49:41Travis McElroy?

  It's not their dry. I said it on the video, you couldn't listen. Exactly like they used to. Anybody who says differently is incorrect. I ate about a hundred thousand of these bad boys back in the day, and this is what it tasted like. Just some crispy chicken in a friggin' wrap, and some bites were just tortilla, and that's the way I liked it. This was...

• 50:02Travis McElroy?

  Were these all dry?

• 50:03Travis McElroy?

  Okay, see, this was spicy sauce. Sometimes I can get into like a spicy sauce, but if they go too much with the mayo and stuff, I'm gonna bail out of that. You don't have to see that, but we're not gonna complete that bite. Just one second, okay?

• 50:19Travis McElroy?

  Fuck. Fuck, fuck, no.

• 50:26Travis McElroy?

  Why was that the IU close?

• 50:27Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna try knocking over here just to make sure you can hear it.

• 50:30Travis McElroy?

  Of the two, yeah.

• 50:33Travis McElroy?

  It seemed like you'd hear it. Um, uh, yeah, that's spicy. Um, it's really spicy.

• 50:39Travis McElroy?

  This is giving me powerful vibes of like a grandfather made a bunch of hamburgers for all his grandkids, and they didn't show up.

• 50:46Travis McElroy?

  Uh, so I think this is...

• 50:50Travis McElroy?

  I'm ten minutes from Disneyland.

• 50:55Travis McElroy?

  Uh, it's, I really like these snack wraps. Uh, this was a great lunch. I'm gonna put these in the fridge and maybe nuke them for a post-show treat, and what, and I'll see if...

• 51:05Travis McElroy?

  You got some for after show?

• 51:07Travis McElroy?

  See if anyone wants to have some after the show or whatever.

• 51:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, man.

• 51:10Travis McElroy?

  I don't know. It's whatever. I brought some, I brought Mario Kart, so it's...

• 51:16Travis McElroy?

  I'll tell you what. Yeah. Snack wraps are better after they steep. It's true.

• 51:21Travis McElroy?

  Uh, yeah, so those will be sort of very old, uh, by the time we get to that point. But snack wraps are definitely back and they did, it doesn't matter how they tasted, because who cares? Uh, but I will say, um, the scary thing about this is, and this is where it gets a little real. Um, there are, there are chicken snack wrap wars that are firing up right now. Um, yeah, I know, it's tough. Uh, Burger King is already sort of like-

• 51:51Travis McElroy?

  Can you make that go, sorry, Paul?

• 51:54Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 51:55Travis McElroy?

  The face was disconcerting to have big-

• 51:58Travis McElroy?

  It's the only human face I have. Uh, the, the, uh, just as a reminder, when everybody uses my face as a punchline, it is still the only one that I do possess. I don't want to put the sunglasses back on, but I will if I have to. The thing was, I was singing karaoke and I did Fancy so hard that I blew up my eyeball. That's what happened.

• 52:19Travis McElroy?

  That's the real truth! Okay, that's the first time he said it publicly, folks. You know what it's like for Griffin and I to know that that's what happened-

• 52:26Travis McElroy?

  That's what happened.

• 52:27Travis McElroy?

  That he sang Reba McEntire's Fancy so hard, he burst a blood vessel in his eyeball.

• 52:33Travis McElroy?

  I did not-

• 52:34Travis McElroy?

  So when you all claim Griffin and I, or Justin and I, or all three of us don't like each other, remember that Griffin and I knew that Justin sang karaoke so hard, he brought the blood vessel in his eyeball. And we didn't say it, because we love him!

• 52:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was submitted for me. That's not really my song anymore. In my 30s, I could hit those notes, but not in my 40s.

• 52:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 52:59Travis McElroy?

  I do Something in Red now by Lori Morgan.

• 53:01Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:02Travis McElroy?

  But I knew I was gonna hurt myself and somebody submitted Fancy for me and I gave it the old college try and it blew up my goddamn eyeball. Um, there is, sorry, this is, there is the risk of the, the chicken snack wrap wars firing up. Uh, the most troubling, fuck, the most troubling salvo came from, came from Popeyes. Um, I really hope there will be a rest of this show, but I may want to watch this video 18,000 times. I'll watch it one more, whenever you're ready, Paul.

• 53:32Speaker 11

  The snack wrap is back at McDonald's, but Popeyes is countering with its own wrap. Oh, beef.

• 53:41Speaker 12

  Shit, man!

• 53:51Speaker 12

  Oh my, the fast food chain dropped this AI-generated diss track yesterday with the caption, "To all the clowns in the kitchen, it's time to put down the chicken."

• 54:01Speaker 12

  Wow! It also has a creepy AI version of Ronald McDonald that you saw there not too long ago, who appears to be losing his mind. Oh, there he is again!

• 54:09Speaker 11

  That's quite terrifying.

• 54:10Speaker 12

  Yeah! What, a kangaroo? What's the kangaroo doing there? An alien? No, those are real.

• 54:18Speaker 11

  Honestly...

• 54:18Speaker 12

  It's not AI.

• 54:20Speaker 11

  It's kind of like nightmare fuel.

• 54:22Speaker 12

  The fuck?

• 54:23Speaker 11

  For people who don't like clowns.

• 54:24Speaker 12

  Yeah. Candace does not like clowns. They're speechless! Probably why they ran this when she wasn't here. That is clever, dude. You're a fan?

• 54:34Speaker 11

  You really liked it!

• 54:35Speaker 12

  That's crazy. Their chicken Sammy over there is pretty good at Popeyes. Yeah.

• 54:40Speaker 11

  Ranked, what, number 5? I think it was number 5 yesterday.

• 54:42Speaker 12

  Yeah, we talked about that yesterday. What is happening? It was number 1. Chick-fil-A!

• 54:48Speaker 11

  No surprises.

• 54:50Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking cool, man! So the Chicken Sack Rats Wars are fully... Oh, I thank you to everyone...

• 54:56Travis McElroy?

  I would've told you that was a promo for Twisted Metal.

• 54:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 55:01Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, so thank you to McDonald's and thank you to everyone in the Munch Squad. I appreciate you, thank you. Um, we...

• 55:08Griffin McElroy?

  We are going to turn it over to you all. We've asked you to send in your questions. We're gonna call some people down to this microphone here. It's, uh, House Center, right, right in front of us. Apologize to the people sitting next to the microphone. You're just... You're co-stars now. Welcome to the podcast. Um, we are gonna call some people down to the microphone, uh, and, uh, we're gonna answer your questions. Please don't come down to the microphone if we don't call you. Uh, sucks.

• 55:34Travis McElroy?

  Unless you have like a real...

• 55:35Griffin McElroy?

  No, fucking don't! Don't put that out there, dude! Um, before we start, we do... We have started to knock out some quick ones in like rapid succession. Uh, and we did receive one message, uh, from, uh, Jeremy and Rebecca, who brought us a special present if Justin, you wanna walk in what we've got.

• 55:55Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, they brought us a box of Progresso soup drops.

• 55:59Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, formerly featured...

• 56:02Travis McElroy?

  The soup you can suck on.

• 56:05Griffin McElroy?

  Formerly featured in The Munch Squad.

• 56:08Travis McElroy?

  Yes, this is an unopened tin of soup drops.

• 56:11Griffin McElroy?

  Of course it is. If it wasn't unopened, we would not even try eating it. Nice try.

• 56:16Travis McElroy?

  This is the on-the-go chicken noodle flavor.

• 56:19Travis McElroy?

  Open it, no, open it on mic.

• 56:22Griffin McElroy?

  Grip it and rip it.

• 56:24Griffin McElroy?

  Crack that fucking shit. Oh my god!

• 56:28Travis McElroy?

  Wait, wait, wait.

• 56:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, dude. How many are in there? Looks like three.

• 56:34Travis McElroy?

  Plenty.

• 56:34Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, cool. I don't actually wanna do it. I'll do the talking while y'all do the sucking. Alright, cool.

• 56:40Travis McElroy?

  Coward. Okay, so cheers?

• 56:44Griffin McElroy?

  Cheers, yeah.

• 56:44Travis McElroy?

  Cheers, Justin.

• 56:49Travis McElroy?

  For Paul and Amanda. Oh, wait for one, Rachel, too. Boop!

• 56:52Travis McElroy?

  So, one for Dad.

• 56:52Griffin McElroy?

  Give one to Dad.

• 56:53Travis McElroy?

  And for Shannon. Okay, so I'm not gonna throw anymore, cuz they're probably gonna break. Cheers.

• 56:58Griffin McElroy?

  Cheers, everyone. We're not gonna make any sucking noises on the microphone. I'll leave the stage. Here we go.

• 57:04Griffin McElroy?

  That sucks.

• 57:05Travis McElroy?

  Instantly.

• 57:06Griffin McElroy?

  It sucks right away. It sucks.

• 57:07Travis McElroy?

  Instantly, so regret it so hard. It's not sweet at all. There's no sweetness. There's no sweetness.

• 57:21Travis McElroy?

  It fucking sucks. It sucks.

• 57:25Travis McElroy?

  You could, you could get someone so good by giving it to them and saying it's like a butterscotch.

• 57:30Travis McElroy?

  This is the lowest.

• 57:32Travis McElroy?

  I don't, my mouth doesn't want it in it.

• 57:36Travis McElroy?

  I'm out, dude. I'm out. I'm out. I'm cash. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. I'm about.

• 57:40Travis McElroy?

  I might have thrown up.

• 57:40Griffin McElroy?

  That's so fucking gross. That's grosser than you would even think it is. You would think it's like doing a bouillon hard candy.

• 57:47Travis McElroy?

  Every time we do one of these, it's always like, that kinda sucks. It doesn't. It doesn't fuck at all.

• 57:52Travis McElroy?

  The, the back of my throat wanted to throw up.

• 57:55Griffin McElroy?

  Dude, this sucks. It still sucks. It's not even in my mouth anymore, but it is in my mouth forever, like a ghost. Like a ghost, it is haunting my palate. Get it out. If Dad put one of those in his mouth, have him spit it out.

• 58:06Travis McElroy?

  Get it away from Dad. Paul, get it away from Dad.

• 58:08Travis McElroy?

  My Dad! There's still popcorn in the tin. We can't put him in yet.

• 58:13Travis McElroy?

  Might be a little popcorn in the tin.

• 58:17Travis McElroy?

  No!

• 58:19Travis McElroy?

  Hey, if anybody has an extra dad...

• 58:23Griffin McElroy?

  Real quick, Mikey C. asks, "Can we vape?" No.

• 58:26Travis McElroy?

  No.

• 58:27Griffin McElroy?

  No, you shouldn't do that in here.

• 58:29Travis McElroy?

  Not here, or, I don't know, maybe anywhere. The science is out.

• 58:32Griffin McElroy?

  We'll see if this one, you know, pans out. But Becca, you gotta take a cleansing breath or two, because otherwise, we're gonna struggle for the rest of the show. That was the grossest thing I've literally ever put in my mouth.

• 58:43Travis McElroy?

  It is... I live a pretty easy life at this point. It's 2025, you know what I mean? I don't have a lot of mastodons. But it was a real threat warning from my body that there was a serious, a serious situation.

• 58:55Travis McElroy?

  I was trying to be contrarian, of like, "Not so bad."

• 58:57Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 58:58Travis McElroy?

  And like, my immunosystem was like, "Get it out."

• 59:03Griffin McElroy?

  It tasted like a cat food smells.

• 59:07Griffin McElroy?

  Pretty much exactly. Becca R. sent in a message that said, "I have a jacket from the crew of the OC. Does Griffin want it?" Like, fucking yeah. Do you have it with you, or is this a... Yes? Do you have it with you, or is this a...? Yeah.

• 59:22Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:24Travis McElroy?

  Thank you so much!

• 59:28Travis McElroy?

  Oh wait, here comes the spot. Aw, man.

• 59:33Travis McElroy?

  Fuck, I've never been jealous of you before, ever. I've wondered what it would feel like. I'm experiencing it now.

• 59:40Griffin McElroy?

  Not gonna get this.

• 59:41Travis McElroy?

  You have something I want! We should switch.

• 59:43Griffin McElroy?

  This fucking rules it smells like Peter Gallagher was close to it. Thank you so much. What an amazing gift. Hello!

• 59:51Speaker 13

  Hello!

• 59:52Travis McElroy?

  Hi.

• 59:52Griffin McElroy?

  How's it going?

• 59:53Speaker 13

  My name's Emily. Is she hurt? And I don't know which question that you asked me about.

• 59:57Travis McElroy?

  You asked a question about a pig that I... we were so delighted by.

• 1:00:02Speaker 13

  Um, I wanna know how I can sneak a pig into my wedding. My venue won't allow it, and I'm desperate for it to be like the ring bearer.

• 1:00:13Griffin McElroy?

  Emily, so rarely are the questions we get sent so deliciously farcical. And I'm excited to tackle this one.

• 1:00:22Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:22Travis McElroy?

  Do they have a specific, like, Air Bud-inspired rule that says, like, "No pigs as ring bearers"?

• 1:00:30Griffin McElroy?

  Specifically?

• 1:00:32Speaker 13

  I mean, I'm assuming they won't let me have a pig. It's a nice yacht club, and it's inside, it's not outside on the grass. So I'm just thinking, maybe we can bring it in with some of the rentals?

• 1:00:46Griffin McElroy?

  But is it on a boat?

• 1:00:47Speaker 13

  No.

• 1:00:48Griffin McElroy?

  Good. You can't put a pig on a boat? That's fucking crazy.

• 1:00:51Travis McElroy?

  It's also, that's also bad luck.

• 1:00:53Griffin McElroy?

  That's bad luck to get a pig on a boat. They'll get so scared.

• 1:00:57Travis McElroy?

  Are you going to have, like, a crew of people setting up, like, the wedding?

• 1:01:01Speaker 13

  My family.

• 1:01:02Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Could you dress the pig like a member of your family?

• 1:01:07Speaker 13

  I could see the resemblance.

• 1:01:08Travis McElroy?

  That's not...

• 1:01:10Griffin McElroy?

  Emily.

• 1:01:10Travis McElroy?

  That's not what I was saying. Don't you put words in my mouth.

• 1:01:14Travis McElroy?

  This, you could say, "Now, I know that's a pig, but he is the florist, and he will depart before the ceremony begins. You don't have to worry about him. And then, once the ceremony begins, you put him into a different outfit that makes him look like a guest. And I don't think this is helping you, but a badge to get is helping me a great deal."

• 1:01:33Speaker 13

  Yeah.

• 1:01:33Travis McElroy?

  You know, one thing you could...

• 1:01:35Travis McElroy?

  Oh, he's a little chef now in my head. He just became a little chef.

• 1:01:38Speaker 13

  That rules!

• 1:01:39Travis McElroy?

  That's great, actually.

• 1:01:40Travis McElroy?

  We cannot make enough, we can't make enough beignets for the crowd. Does anybody know?

• 1:01:45Travis McElroy?

  Oink, oink!

• 1:01:46Travis McElroy?

  Does anybody know how to cook beignets?

• 1:01:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. That's cool.

• 1:01:53Travis McElroy?

  Um, a power that you can wield, and this is not based on fact, but rather old-school beliefs of a thing. Just say, "Yeah, I know we shouldn't have a pig, but it's a favorite of my mother-in-law."

• 1:02:04Griffin McElroy?

  That's, oh, man.

• 1:02:07Travis McElroy?

  One thing that wedding venues are never, ever, ever, ever gonna do is during your wedding, be like, "I, I, I, I, stop the wedding, everyone, stop the wedding." They won't have the guts. They can get mad afterwards if they want, and you just be like, "Fine, I'll never get married here again."

• 1:02:24Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. If I may, one piece of feedback is that if you are going to attach your incredibly precious wedding rings to an animal, maybe don't do it on the one that famously people compete to try to catch at county fairs and stuff.

• 1:02:41Travis McElroy?

  This is an excellent point. How have you sourced this pig?

• 1:02:44Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:45Speaker 13

  Um, there's livestock rental companies that will like bring petting zoos to you.

• 1:02:50Griffin McElroy?

  So it's not like a pig, it's not like your pig?

• 1:02:53Speaker 13

  It's not my pig.

• 1:02:54Griffin McElroy?

  I can't get married without my pig.

• 1:02:56Travis McElroy?

  It's a childhood dream here from Philly, what's happening?

• 1:02:58Griffin McElroy?

  Are you telling me it's just some pig?

• 1:03:00Speaker 13

  It's just, it's just some pig.

• 1:03:05Griffin McElroy?

  It's, we try to have fun, you know?

• 1:03:08Travis McElroy?

  You only go around once in a big year, bro.

• 1:03:10Travis McElroy?

  So just when you picture your wedding, right? What you see is this venue, whatever dress you're gonna wear or outfit you're gonna wear, your partner up there, and non-negotiables, the pig carrying the rings down the aisle. That's just part of it?

• 1:03:28Speaker 13

  Oh, or walking the pig down with me?

• 1:03:31Griffin McElroy?

  Well, yeah, I assume there would need to be some chaperoning of the pig.

• 1:03:35Travis McElroy?

  I love the idea that it is a petting zoo pig who on the day is gonna be like, "No, no, no, I get it."

• 1:03:40Griffin McElroy?

  Trust me.

• 1:03:41Travis McElroy?

  All right, you put the rings on my back, I walk down there, you take them off, I turn around, maybe I throw some flowers out if you want, that costs extra, but that's okay. And then I head back and open bar, I'm assuming?

• 1:03:52Griffin McElroy?

  All these flower petals just scattered around, are those free game, or were you guys planning on eating those?

• 1:03:58Travis McElroy?

  You guys aren't gonna eat me during the, no, that's just a joke that I tell. I've done this a hundred times.

• 1:04:03Travis McElroy?

  I was about to ask you to sit down in the very nice way that we do it. You'll know it when it happens. But before we do that, I did wanna say earlier when I said that they're not gonna stop your wedding, I don't know that that's true. I've been sitting up here thinking about it, like, I just fucking said that. I don't know. And if they like, did stop it, I would just feel terrible about it. So, I don't know. I don't have like, a better answer, but it's like, don't do that. And count on that being accurate.

• 1:04:29Travis McElroy?

  No, but it would be wild to see like, "And if anyone objects to this wedding, speak now." Or, "Yeah, yes, what is it? I don't mind actually the union, but they shouldn't have pigs in here."

• 1:04:42Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:42Travis McElroy?

  Wait a minute, you're right.

• 1:04:44Travis McElroy?

  Can you make the pig look like it ran in off the street? That's not, he's not supposed to... Oh no, but the rings fell on him.

• 1:04:53Travis McElroy?

  Oh, maybe make him look like, he's wearing like, a striped jumpsuit, like he escaped from prison.

• 1:04:58Travis McElroy?

  That's cool, yeah.

• 1:05:00Travis McElroy?

  And he stole those rings.

• 1:05:02Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. So, does that help?

• 1:05:04Speaker 14

  That's so helpful, thank you.

• 1:05:05Travis McElroy?

  Thank you so much, Emily. What a wonderful little play space to play in. Look at them.

• 1:05:11Travis McElroy?

  Oh my god, yeah, if you have two pigs, they gotta say yes.

• 1:05:17Travis McElroy?

  You get two pigs married.

• 1:05:18Travis McElroy?

  Especially if you have the pigs walking down the aisle and say, "I was adopted."

• 1:05:21Travis McElroy?

  Hello.

• 1:05:22Speaker 14

  Hello, I'm Caitlin.

• 1:05:24Travis McElroy?

  Hi Caitlin.

• 1:05:24Speaker 14

  Um, I'm a scare actor at a theme park in the area.

• 1:05:28Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Do you ever say scare actor?

• 1:05:31Speaker 14

  Scare actor?

• 1:05:32Travis McElroy?

  Scare actor.

• 1:05:34Travis McElroy?

  Scare actor?

• 1:05:34Speaker 14

  Scare actor.

• 1:05:35Travis McElroy?

  Sorry.

• 1:05:36Travis McElroy?

  No, while we're asking...

• 1:05:37Travis McElroy?

  But do you...

• 1:05:38Travis McElroy?

  Sorry.

• 1:05:38Travis McElroy?

  Shut up, everyone but me and her, shut up. Scare actor.

• 1:05:44Speaker 14

  A scare actor.

• 1:05:45Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, okay, good, alright, we got it, alright, scare actor.

• 1:05:48Travis McElroy?

  Can I tell you?

• 1:05:49Travis McElroy?

  I thought that's what you said, I wanna make sure you said scare actor. You also extremely answered his question by doing that.

• 1:05:54Travis McElroy?

  In a rare moment, you said scare actor, my brain went, "Ask if they ever say scare actor." And I thought, "That's too dumb." And then Justin said it, and it was one of the most validating moments

• 1:06:08Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:08Travis McElroy?

  in my adult life.

• 1:06:10Travis McElroy?

  The ideas will hop like fleas between us. That's how big magic works. Sometimes they land on me and they were supposed to go to him, you never know, right? So, how can we help?

• 1:06:20Speaker 14

  Um, I love scare acting, I think I'm pretty good at it. But I am a bit of a scaredy cat, personally.

• 1:06:25Travis McElroy?

  You get it.

• 1:06:26Travis McElroy?

  That's how you know.

• 1:06:28Speaker 14

  When I walk to my lunches, there are guests who will try to scare me. And it's pretty effective. I try to stay in character as much as I can, but I'm wondering if a guest does scare me, how should I retaliate while remaining in character?

• 1:06:44Griffin McElroy?

  Caitlin.

• 1:06:45Travis McElroy?

  Okay, is there a way, I don't want you to tell us what character you play.

• 1:06:50Griffin McElroy?

  It's impossible for us to do this without knowing it.

• 1:06:53Travis McElroy?

  I know, but I need you two in a non-legally binding way, tell me what character you play.

• 1:06:59Speaker 14

  A demon clown?

• 1:07:01Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, yeah, that does, yeah, okay, that narrows it down.

• 1:07:04Travis McElroy?

  So this is a clown, sorry, were you a demon first who became a clown, or a clown first who became a demon?

• 1:07:11Speaker 14

  A clown who became a demon.

• 1:07:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it doesn't go the other way, there's not a demon like, "It's my calling."

• 1:07:18Travis McElroy?

  Okay, what, no, sorry Griffin, what's fucking wilder? A demon who started as a demon and said, "You know what, I'd love to be a clown," or a clown that during life Lucifer went, "You know what, kid, you've gotta..."

• 1:07:32Griffin McElroy?

  I'm changing you.

• 1:07:34Travis McElroy?

  What if you look at the person and say, "Finally, there's someone to scare, Pagliacci."

• 1:07:40Griffin McElroy?

  That's good. Yeah, have a complete fucking mental collapse right there on the boardwalk or whatever.

• 1:07:46Travis McElroy?

  No, see, because Pagliacci was a clown, right? But there was nobody that could, he told the doctor.

• 1:07:51Travis McElroy?

  Oh, now take it back, he goes to the doctor.

• 1:07:53Travis McElroy?

  And the doctor says, "You should go see this clown Pagliacci," and he says, "But doctor, I am Pagliacci."

• 1:07:57Travis McElroy?

  No, no, no, you gotta step back, he was sad, right?

• 1:07:59Travis McElroy?

  No, he was sad, and he was a clown, did I say he was a clown?

• 1:08:03Travis McElroy?

  And he's sitting there in clown makeup, which is so weird that the doctor brought it up.

• 1:08:09Travis McElroy?

  Um, I think if they scare you, you should run as fast as you can, because that is always very funny, but also kind of disconcerting the longer it goes on. Because I would laugh at first, but then the longer you ran, I'd be like, "Wow, they're really committed to it."

• 1:08:22Travis McElroy?

  I will say, I worked as a character, and that's what we call it, for a while, at a couple different places. And, um, the thing that always struck me is the people who wanted to, one, show me how unscared they were of the haunted house, and two, try to scare me back. And all I can think is like, we both know what's going on, you bought a ticket.

• 1:08:42Griffin McElroy?

  It's your 1999, pal.

• 1:08:44Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I'm getting paid to be here, you paid to be here, which one's scarier?

• 1:08:49Travis McElroy?

  The difference between you and me, I think, is that if that happened to me, the need to piss would immediately disappear. And all I would think of is how I was gonna scare this person back so fucking hard, they wouldn't even know. I would start following them around the park and wait till they're most vulnerable, I mean, by themselves, in the dark.

• 1:09:09Travis McElroy?

  Follow them home.

• 1:09:10Travis McElroy?

  Wait till they're in the toilet and then stand outside and be like, ew, nasty.

• 1:09:16Travis McElroy?

  What, you've been doxing them on social media?

• 1:09:19Travis McElroy?

  Gross.

• 1:09:20Travis McElroy?

  I bet your mom Karen is disappointed in you, Doug. Yeah, it's scary, isn't it, Griffin?

• 1:09:25Travis McElroy?

  It's an escalation. The lengths that they're willing to go to, does that help?

• 1:09:29Travis McElroy?

  It helps. Okay, good.

• 1:09:31Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you, Caitlin.

• 1:09:31Travis McElroy?

  Thank you.

• 1:09:35Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, can we, uh, yeah, this is good, yeah, come on down.

• 1:09:39Speaker 15

  Hi, I'm Dominic, he him. Hi Travis.

• 1:09:41Travis McElroy?

  Hi Dominic, how are you?

• 1:09:42Speaker 15

  Good, how you doing?

• 1:09:42Travis McElroy?

  I'm doing great, man, it's good to see you.

• 1:09:44Speaker 15

  Yeah, good to see you. Hi.

• 1:09:45Griffin McElroy?

  Hi.

• 1:09:45Speaker 15

  Okay, so my parents haven't bought any new towels for about 30 years.

• 1:09:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, okay, yes, yes.

• 1:09:51Speaker 15

  It got to the point where I was dreading going home because I had to dry myself with this sandpaper.

• 1:09:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:56Speaker 15

  So for the last four years, I've been smuggling new towels into their house and hiding the old ones in like little, like cachets around the house.

• 1:10:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:04Speaker 15

  But I'm getting concerned that if I don't, like, empty the cachets soon, they're gonna be found and put back in circulation.

• 1:10:10Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 1:10:11Travis McElroy?

  Dominic, can I ask a question? In your own home, how particular are you about towels? Are you, do you feel that your parents' position on towels has created in you a need to have the finer towels in your, in your home?

• 1:10:25Speaker 15

  There are few things more important to me at this point.

• 1:10:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:28Travis McElroy?

  Okay, so, okay, Dominic, this is what I suggest, as suspected this. Our parents were fucking towel degenerates. Our mom bought, I think my mom, our mom bought 30 towels the day I was born and never bought another fucking one. As far as I know.

• 1:10:41Travis McElroy?

  I do think when I went to college in Oklahoma, like 2,000 miles away from West Virginia, I took a pre-existing towel.

• 1:10:47Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:48Travis McElroy?

  I don't think new towels were all for me.

• 1:10:49Travis McElroy?

  The reason Griffin looked at me confused is because he didn't use a new towel until he was 23 years old.

• 1:10:55Travis McElroy?

  He didn't even know that was a possibility.

• 1:10:56Travis McElroy?

  He didn't even know you had the option. In my home? I have two different kinds of towels. They're the ones that I use and the ones that anybody who isn't me or married to me uses. And if the ones that aren't the ones that get used by me or the people married to me uses, you know, the good towels, if they end up in the wrong drawers, which confusingly, the other half of the team who benefits from this arrangement often is the one messing it up. And it's like, hey, Sidney, do you not care about which towels you use? And she's like, go away, you know, whatever.

• 1:11:30Travis McElroy?

  I'm a doctor, I'm busy saving lives.

• 1:11:32Travis McElroy?

  So I think it creates a new scarcity mindset.

• 1:11:34Travis McElroy?

  In my home, the towels that touch mine and my wife's body get rolled up. Other towels get folded. That's the difference. Good towels, like, we know, like, oh, these are the towels that deserve Travis.

• 1:11:50Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:52Travis McElroy?

  When we've, when we've.

• 1:11:54Travis McElroy?

  God, I wish that wasn't true.

• 1:11:55Griffin McElroy?

  I know, but it is. And we're really being very vulnerable. You two are being so weirdly vulnerable.

• 1:12:00Travis McElroy?

  Also, most of the towels that does my body have purple streaks across them.

• 1:12:04Travis McElroy?

  It's true.

• 1:12:05Travis McElroy?

  Like, these are marked.

• 1:12:07Griffin McElroy?

  It looks like it, all of Travis's towels look like they just cleaned up Grimace's sex mess.

• 1:12:13Travis McElroy?

  That's the color of my hair dye.

• 1:12:15Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:16Travis McElroy?

  So, what I would start with, Dominic, is towels are hard to throw away. Because when you throw them away, it will fill up a whole trash can and it will be very obvious that you've thrown away a towel. I think you gotta start with hand towels. You cut it in half, you got two hand towels. Excellent. Do it again. Washcloths. Hmm, might throw away a washcloth. This one's looking.

• 1:12:38Travis McElroy?

  Do it again. Postage steers.

• 1:12:40Travis McElroy?

  Yes. Eventually, you've cut it up enough times, you can make jeans. You just grind it down to denim.

• 1:12:47Travis McElroy?

  How many towels are we talking about, Dominic?

• 1:12:49Speaker 15

  At least twenty to thirty. Twenty to thirty, yeah. They, because they kept buying new ones for like ten years or so.

• 1:12:55Travis McElroy?

  Oh, so they bought new and didn't get rid of old ones?

• 1:12:57Speaker 15

  Yeah. So there was some, like, slight increasing towel quality, but after like ten years.

• 1:13:02Griffin McElroy?

  Can I ask, how wet are your parents getting? Because it's, twenty to thirty is pretty.

• 1:13:08Travis McElroy?

  Is that all of them?

• 1:13:11Speaker 15

  It's beyond science at this point.

• 1:13:14Travis McElroy?

  Okay, so, okay, okay. Dominic, are you ready for this?

• 1:13:18Speaker 15

  Hit me.

• 1:13:18Travis McElroy?

  They're saving those towels for when there's a big mess that needs cleaned up that will ruin towels.

• 1:13:24Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:25Travis McElroy?

  That they're like, well, those are scrap towels that we won't feel bad cleaning up this thing.

• 1:13:29Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 1:13:30Travis McElroy?

  You must create within the house that thing that ruins the towels so bad that they can't be washed.

• 1:13:37Travis McElroy?

  The big, the big one, Dominic, the big one, the big spill, the big spill they've all been waiting for.

• 1:13:44Speaker 15

  I'm glad you said spill and not anything more human.

• 1:13:46Travis McElroy?

  No, the big spill.

• 1:13:48Travis McElroy?

  I'm not gonna box you in.

• 1:13:50Travis McElroy?

  No, no, no.

• 1:13:51Travis McElroy?

  This is your art form to create. Because if I tell you what it is, they've probably already thought about it. You're going to generate the next iteration of mess.

• 1:14:01Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, good luck.

• 1:14:03Travis McElroy?

  A mess no one's ever thought of or braced themselves for.

• 1:14:06Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, show me, show me an AI that can make that kind of mess.

• 1:14:12Travis McElroy?

  No way.

• 1:14:13Griffin McElroy?

  Does that help?

• 1:14:14Speaker 15

  Oh, you nailed it.

• 1:14:15Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you so much, Dominic, and thank you all.

• 1:14:17Travis McElroy?

  Thank you.

• 1:14:21Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, folks, thank you all so much for coming here to our Live My Bam Bam here in Anaheim. We have had a wonderful time.

• 1:14:30Travis McElroy?

  You've been so incredibly kind to us and this has been a weird, they're always weird, but this has been a really weird one and I've really enjoyed it, so thank you so much.

• 1:14:40Travis McElroy?

  Energy has been off the charts. Thank you all so much. Tomorrow night, we're doing a Taz Dadlands with Brendan Lee Mulligan.

• 1:14:50Griffin McElroy?

  Please come to that. Thank you to the Grove of Anaheim for having us. This is a beautiful, beautiful space.

• 1:14:55Travis McElroy?

  Beautiful place.

• 1:14:56Griffin McElroy?

  And thank you to Montane for these for our theme song, "My Life Is Better With You."

• 1:15:02Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you to Fay Day Arts for creating this incredible poster of all of us on a road trip.

• 1:15:08Travis McElroy?

  There's a bunch of Easter eggs in there too, so make sure you scan that. Yeah, you gotta catch all the Easter eggs.

• 1:15:13Travis McElroy?

  I specifically asked no Easter eggs.

• 1:15:15Griffin McElroy?

  We also have the Paul Suborn Memorial Can Food Drive Challenge Coin for sale still, benefiting Second Harvest Food Bank of Orange County. Thank you to Paul, thank you to Amanda, and to Rachel, and to Shannon, and our dad, Clint McElroy.

• 1:15:32Griffin McElroy?

  And...

• 1:15:33Travis McElroy?

  He's gonna, he's gonna tell us that we were wrong about the towels and I'm gonna be like, "Fuck you, man, you don't fucking remember."

• 1:15:39Travis McElroy?

  I've heard how Justin talks to dad, vis a vis the ashes thing.

• 1:15:42Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you to Becca again for this kick-ass jacket. It's a, I feel very strong.

• 1:15:48Travis McElroy?

  May I, may I read the fear?

• 1:15:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, please.

• 1:15:51Travis McElroy?

  Ahem. "This year, I want to be faster than my fear of the Pirates of the Caribbean animatronics. I don't know why, but I'm worried they're gonna cut off my glutes."

• 1:16:04Travis McElroy?

  But he's Justin McElroy.

• 1:16:05Travis McElroy?

  I'm Travis McElroy.

• 1:16:06Travis McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McElroy.

• 1:16:07Travis McElroy?

  My brother, my brother, be kiss your dad, square the lips!