Caller: I’m Tired of Begging for Sex

❤️ The Marriage Kit is here. Limited kits available to help you reconnect! On today’s episode, we hear about: A new husband struggling to be on the same page sexually with his wife A man wanting to help his wife with her body image issues A young man who just told his parents his girlfriend is pregnant Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 01:18 My New Wife Is Done With Sex 21:57 My Wife Hates the Way She Looks 38:21 Parents Want Nothing to Do With My Child Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get started today with Churchill Mortgage. Equal Housing Lender. NMLS ID 1591. nmlsconsumeraccess.org. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  All right, the marriage kit is here. This is me sitting with you and your spouse, walking with you for a year in your marriage. There are only a limited number of these available. They will sell out. Get yours now at JohnDelone.com.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Why doesn't my wife want to have sex with me? And why do I feel guilty when I try to initiate? Been married about four months and sex in the beginning, I mean, it was, it was going good, you know? And then out of nowhere, it just felt like she didn't want to have sex no more.

• 0:45Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful you're here talking about all of it. Your life, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, your sex life, your dating life, whatever you got going on. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out the next right move. For more than two decades, I've been sitting with people behind closed doors figuring out what to do after the wheels have fallen off in their life, when they've got big decisions to make and coming up with frameworks and paths for folks to take the next right step in their life. Whether it's a really hard conversation, whether it's an easy conversation, whether it's a big thing that needs to happen, or just a bunch of little things done over and over again.

• 1:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm glad you're here, pulling up a chair, figuring out what's the next right move. All right, let's go out to Tuscaloosa, Alabama and talk to Ronnie. Hey Ronnie, what's up, brother?

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Hey, how you doing, Dr. John?

• 1:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right, man. How are you?

• 1:40Speaker 01

  I'm doing all right.

• 1:42Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. You staying out of trouble?

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Trying my best.

• 1:45Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. Well, what's going on, brother? How can I help?

• 1:49Speaker 01

  Yes, sir. So my question today is, um, why doesn't my wife want to have sex with me? And why do I feel guilty when I try to initiate?

• 2:01Dr. John Delony?

  Great question. Tell me more.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I guess I can give you a little bit of history. Me and my wife been married about four months and, uh,

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  Four months?

• 2:13Speaker 01

  And four months. Yes, it's very, very new, very new. And sex in the beginning, I mean, it was, it was going good, you know? And then out of nowhere, it just felt like she didn't want to have sex no more, you know? And it felt like she just kind of backed away from me, you know what I mean? And every time I tried to initiate or, you know, try to, I guess, make a move, it'd be like, well, it would always be an excuse, you know what I mean? It'd always be like, I'm tired or, you know, I'm this, I'm that. And I'm totally understanding of that, you know? And I try to talk to her about it.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  And when I talk to her about it, she turns around, turns the problem around on me, like, why are you upset? You know, why are you, why are you mad at me? And I feel like, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm not really upset. I'm just like, you know, the mood, the mood's over with, you know what I mean? It's like, I'm not really in the mood no more. So I just, I back away as well, you know what I mean? So I just, I feel like, you know, how can I, I don't know, how can I open up more with my wife about that? How can I not feel so guilty when I initiate?

• 3:29Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to first say this, okay?

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to sleep with your wife.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 3:37Dr. John Delony?

  There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to sleep with your wife all the time. Okay? So I don't want you to enter into this conversation as though something's wrong with, with you having a giant desire to be with your wife all the time. You're four months in, right?

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.

• 3:53Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't make, that doesn't make you broke. In fact, I, I think that's great. I think that's awesome. Okay? Um, I'll walk you through several questions and especially given how compressed the time, I mean, were y'all sexually active before you got married? Is there a long history here?

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, actually there, there is. Um, so me and my wife were both virgins, you know, um, when we first met and there was, uh, we did have sex before, before marriage because, uh,

• 4:23Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all are each other's first?

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 4:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 4:26Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  And, and on my end, I have a, a pretty big, uh, medical history, you know what I mean? Uh, from when I was born.

• 4:36Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know what you, I don't know what you mean. Tell me about it.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Absolutely. So, yeah, I was, I was born with something called, uh, bladder exophy and chronic kidney disease, stage four. And, um, that has, I knew it would affect my sex life in the future, but I didn't really, you know, it wasn't really a big deal to me, you know what I mean? I was like, well, you know, I thought, I thought I was gonna, you know, not ever have sex.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  Did you have corrective surgery like on your, your urethra in the pathway?

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Yes, I did.

• 5:08Dr. John Delony?

  And how old were you when that happened?

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Oh, man, I was, I was, uh, maybe a year old. Yeah.

• 5:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  I've had all this.

• 5:15Dr. John Delony?

  So that's before all that, but you grew up with an understanding, good God, what a terrible, what a terrible outcome. Like, hey, you are probably never going to be able to have sex. And is that because you, they, they thought because of the corrective surgeries, it would impact your ability to have erections?

• 5:32Speaker 01

  To have erections, to have kids and, yeah. Yes, sir.

• 5:36Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. What a nightmare. And so then you meet somebody and you figure out, oh, not the case.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  You're right.

• 5:43Dr. John Delony?

  My first question would be, is she enjoying the sex she's having?

• 5:47Speaker 01

  That, that's the thing, like she, she tells me she does.

• 5:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  But then a part of me feels like she doesn't, you know what I mean? Like, like when we're, when we're having sex, I can just feel her not emotionally.

• 5:59Dr. John Delony?

  Not being present with you. Yeah. So, yeah. The next question I would ask is, does she, is she in a position, whether from her own background, her own stories that she's telling herself, or from you, or from a combination of both? And by the way, all of this is super common, so I don't want you to feel like you're weird or an outcast or something, okay? She feels like she has to have some sort of performance. She has to make sure you're okay for this sexual encounter to be okay. Or you get done having sex and you immediately launch into, did you like that? What did you not like? And it becomes a, basically a scorecard.

• 6:37Dr. John Delony?

  And that emotional exhaustion of, I can't just be with my partner because I have, feel like, whether internally or he's expressed this, I have to look a certain way, act a certain way, moan a certain way, move a certain way, I have to orgasm, or he gets upset, or he feels like he failed. Like, you get what I'm saying? Is there emotional pressure around the actual act itself?

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Yes, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, you're, you're spot on with that, because, I mean, with, I'm trying to see how I can best explain this. I mean, after we're done having sex, I feel, I feel like I could have done a better job, you know what I mean? And I ask her, I was like, you know, was it good? You know what I mean? And she was like, yeah, you know, it wouldn't change anything. But then the way she says it is like, yeah, but, you know, but then I bring, I bring up the problem, you know? I bring that up and she's always like, well, you know, you always want me to change something about myself. You always want to, you know, I can't be perfect. And I'm like, I'm not asking you, I'm just wanting to have a conversation, you know? I want to talk about it, you know? Because of, of my history.

• 7:45Dr. John Delony?

  What, what, what is, I want to be sensitive here, but what about your history is impacting?

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  Like you, you figured out in whatever, whatever ways you figured it out, you can be sexually active, you can sleep with your wife. It's awesome.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. Like what, what way?

• 8:05Dr. John Delony?

  What about that history is then you turning sex into a, basically, into like a work assignment?

• 8:19Speaker 01

  I mean, when I, maybe it's, I think for me, I mean, when I, when I have sex, I feel, I don't know, maybe I feel wanted, you know? Like I feel,

• 8:28Dr. John Delony?

  No, that, that, that of course, like totally.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  You know?

• 8:32Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, there's, there's literally nowhere to hide, right? Like you're, you're both fully seeing and knowing each other right then.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Right, yes.

• 8:39Dr. John Delony?

  But, but if part of knowing is, I've got to prop up his ego. I've got to do something that doesn't feel good, or I've got to contort myself, or I've got to keep my stomach sucked in all the time, because he's always mentioning that I'm starting to gain some weight. Like if, if, if that's part of the equation, there's no possible way somebody can relax into and enjoy this awesome thing called sex.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  I,

• 9:06Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 9:08Speaker 01

  I do.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  It becomes so full of pressure and the, the act itself becomes so, so laden with pressure and performance that it's just easier just to not do it.

• 9:20Dr. John Delony?

  Or it starts competing with things like fatigue and it's like, dude, if I got to choose sleep or sex, I'm going to choose sleep every time.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Right, yes.

• 9:26Dr. John Delony?

  So, so the path forward I would recommend for you is that you start with a series of,

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  I want to apologize for a few things. Even, and I'm not even going to say you did something wrong, and that you intentionally did something wrong, but I think the dynamic you may have played a part in is not 100% you, it never is, but I, or it's rarely is. I want you to just go first and own, I recognize I'm always like pestering you with, did you like, like I'm, I'm turning this into a work performance. Like every quarter, we do a review of my show. We get all the team in a room, look at all the analytics, all the data, what's working, what's not. If that becomes every time y'all have sex, like I don't like those, those quarterly reviews. Nobody does. They're, they're just pretty sterile, right?

• 10:18Dr. John Delony?

  And well, you should have done this better and y'all can do this and we'll try this. Man, so it's getting to that, like, hey, I realize I've done this. I realize I may not have been as emotionally invested in this house. How do we want this house to feel together?

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:32Dr. John Delony?

  And then asking some deeper questions about, what do you like? What do you not like? Where do you feel pressure, um, to make me feel good? Like what is it about certain things? And give her permission to be honest. Because my guess is she's got some thoughts and she's got some feelings and you can feel that she's not being honest with you?

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:56Dr. John Delony?

  Either she's a dishonest person, which I hope not, or she's, she's at least told herself the story, whether true or not, I can't tell him fully, I don't like this at all.

• 11:09Dr. John Delony?

  Or I can't tell him fully that I really am uncomfortable when, or I can't tell him that,

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  I think it's ninety, ninety-five percent of men orgasm through intercourse and like twenty percent, fifteen to twenty percent of women orgasm through intercourse.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's just, it's, I like it, I like being with him, but it's not doing it for me. And sex is just about him getting off. And so being able to ask some of those deeper questions about what do you like, what do you not like? And you learning to trust her over time and her learning to trust you over time so that y'all can both be honest at that deeper level. You hear what I'm saying?

• 11:51Speaker 01

  I do, yeah. And she, she's told me before, you know, about, you know, she, one thing that she told me that really, really stoked me was she said that, you know, she could go the rest of her life without having sex with me, you know, and that, that kinda, man, that hurt.

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and, and, and here's the deal. It's, you get to choose whether to take that personally, if that's an indictment of you versus an indictment of the sex she's having, or an indictment of things that happened to her when she was a little girl, or indictment of, I've got so many other things I have to be responsible for in this house already four months in, that I don't have the space for it, I'd rather just go to sleep. Right? And so beginning to ask bigger questions than just, it, it, it sounds like a shot at you.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:42Dr. John Delony?

  If you could just do this better, then she'd want it more, right?

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, right.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  And, you hear what I'm saying?

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do, you know, and I, and I, and I think about that too, like, you know, man, if I, you know, if I could do this better, if I, if I was just, if I was just born a little, a little more normal, maybe she would, you know, like it more, maybe she would want it as, as much as I did, you know, and that.

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, and how much of that is your baggage? Are you bringing to this?

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Man, a lot.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  I mean, you know, it's, it's way, it's pretty heavy.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  And is, is there any truth to it?

• 13:21Speaker 01

  There is, yeah, I mean, from, you know, from my perspective? Yeah.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  What, what is it about your, your childhood and your surgeries and your medical conditions as a young man, that is making you question your performance now? Not performance, I don't even like that word, like your ability to be sexually intimate with your wife?

• 13:44Speaker 01

  I mean, maybe, this, this actually goes pretty, pretty deep, I mean, um, as a kid, you know, I didn't, you know, being born with all this, you know, I also grew up, you know, not in a very emotional household, you know, with my parents, and especially my father, I mean, my dad, he, uh, he always used that against me, you know, he would always bring up, you know, hey, you know, you're never gonna be, you know, be a little more vulgar, maybe like, you'll never be good enough in bed, you'll never be with a woman, you'll never, you know, have sex, you know, and, and kinda, and use that against me, you know, in arguments.

• 14:25Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say this, let me just say this directly, your dad sucks.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, he does.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's a horrific thing for a father to say to his son.

• 14:36Dr. John Delony?

  And as the dad of a son, it pisses me off.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? So I'm telling you as the father of a son, also as a husband to husband, that's a, that's a bag of cinder blocks and dog crap that he handed you, and I'm asking you to set it down.

• 14:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And you can't just do that over, you can't just be like, alright, set it down, like, it's gonna be a process, when you feel those stories coming up, you're going to have to,

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  you're gonna have to choose other thoughts to replace them.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  It's hard.

• 15:13Dr. John Delony?

  It's so hard. And you're dealing with normal, four month in mismatch in libido, and what do you like, what do you not like? Like, y'all both are each other's first, so there's always the questions of, well, what would it have been like with somebody, like, all that's normal, but you've got hellacious stories that your crappy old man gave you, that it, it feels like a puzzle piece, right? It feels like it's, it's finishing a puzzle of, oh, I do suck, I am gonna always be deficient.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Instead of normal trying to figure out, what do you like, what do you not like, what, how do I become emotionally vulnerable to somebody I've never been able to do that before?

• 15:56Dr. John Delony?

  How do I not put every single bit of pressure relationally on our, in our marriage, on the act of sex and getting off and making her carry that entire weight alone? Right? You get what I'm saying? Like, all of that is two people figuring out how to do life together. But this other stuff is nonsense. I hate that he did that to you.

• 16:17Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the thing, she can't solve that for you. No amount of screaming, of her having orgasms, of her, um, moaning like some bad porn, like, none of that will heal the things that your dad gave you. That's your work that you've gotta do.

• 16:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? That was some evil crap that he laid at, at your feet.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  And it was all, it was all, I mean, all my teenage year, all, all my life he did that.

• 16:49Dr. John Delony?

  It's just, it's just, it pisses me off at a level that it's, it's hard for me to convey here without getting canceled.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 16:59Dr. John Delony?

  That was wrong, and I'm sorry that he did that.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:03Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm sorry that your mom didn't step in and shield you from that nonsense, because that's what your other, other parent is supposed to do when you have an out of control parent.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Exactly, yeah.

• 17:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so here's the deal, you're faced with a choice. Do you wanna continue that? Do you wanna take, in the same way that he put his concerns and his frustrations and his whatever, and laid it at your feet and said, you carry this? Do you wanna do that to your wife? Or are you gonna say, I'm gonna go do the work, cause I'm responsible, I've gotta be in service to myself so that I can spend the rest of my life in service to my wife? And this is about you going to see a counselor, this is about you getting with a group of men, this is about you having those thoughts of inadequacy, and then if you trust your wife, saying, alright, this, I feel this way, but this is not true, and I'm gonna continue to lean in towards my wife, this one woman that I pledged my life to, and we're gonna co-build something together.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:01Dr. John Delony?

  So it's messy, you're four months in, I want you to come up with a few things that you know, based on what I've talked to you about, where you know, man, I've, I've changed the temperature of the house, and she feels like she's, man, she has to perform to a certain standard, and so she's just saying, you know what, I'm not gonna get on the balance beam, I don't wanna do gymnastics anymore. And reframing the entire conversation, one where y'all are together, and one of y'all has to go first, and so you called me brother, and so I'm calling on you to go first, and hang on the line, I'm gonna hook you up with three months with better help, I, I want you to start talking to somebody soon, because the crap, if, if your dad was saying that, he was also saying some other evil stuff, some bad stuff, and no parent should lay that

• 18:44Dr. John Delony?

  at their kids, like, in the middle of their kid's chest, that's just, that's just wrong. It's wrong at every level, and I'm sorry that happened, brother. Thanks for the call, man. When we come back, a man asks how he can best support his wife and help her feel loved when she struggles with body image issues. We'll be right back.

• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Hey, before we go to the next call, please do me a huge favor and preorder my brand new book, Building the Marriage You Want. This is everything I know about marriage. Is it still worth it? My answer to that question, I dig into how do we, how do we get here? How did marriage become this thing that everybody did for centuries and all of a sudden, everybody stopped doing it? And in fact, if you did do it, people looked at you kinda weird. And also, the big question, why is it so hard and how do you do marriage in the 21st century? I put all of it into this book. It is a big book. It's got all of my explanations, all the Johnisms, the Deloney-isms, and unpacking what those mean. I give you a new communication

• 21:01Dr. John Delony?

  playbook, a new conflict playbook, conversations, and ways to talk about married sex, how to be married and have kids, how to be married and deal with money issues, all of the three big topics I hear over and over and over again. It's all of it. And here's the deal. The book is released January 26th. If you preorder it now, I'll send you a hundred bucks worth of free stuff, the audiobook, a talk I gave at Money and Marriage on communication. But here's the deal. At the end of the day, you're really helping me out by preordering it. It helps with the lists. It helps with distribution. It helps get the book out there to more people ahead of time. And so if you're gonna get it anyway, it's $24.99. Preorder it now. It will ship. It will be in your mailbox January 26th. And it really helps

• 21:45Dr. John Delony?

  out the show. It helps me out personally, and it helps out all of the future readers. Building the Marriage You Want, brand new book about marriage. If you know somebody who's getting married, it's a great gift that way. And if you've been married for 60 years, and you want to do the last decade with, with rambunctious adventure, it's for you too. It's for everybody in between. Go to johndeloney.com for more information. All right, let's go out to Alan in Colorado Springs. Hey, Alan, what's up, brother?

• 22:16Speaker 02

  Hey, um, so my question is, how could I best support my wife when she struggles with body image issues sometimes?

• 22:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Um, and, uh, just let her know that she's truly beautiful.

• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  If, if that makes sense.

• 22:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, in total sense, man. So tell me what's going on?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, so it happens just, you know, a couple of times a week. Um, and it's usually comments like, "Oh, I'm ugly. I'm not beautiful. I got a case of the uglies", and stuff like that. And I feel like it really, um, it really puts her down, if that makes sense. Like, she has very high expectations for herself, and anything she does in life, if that makes sense.

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, so this is just one, one light on the dashboard that is always beeping at you, which is, this is a woman who thinks pretty low of herself, in general?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, um, I think, I think she realizes that she's like, successful, you know? She has a pretty good job, and stuff like that. But, um, yeah, I just wanna know what's, I guess my question is, what's the best way I could help support her?

• 23:38Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  And be a good husband to her in that way?

• 23:41Dr. John Delony?

  It's a great question. Um, so I'm gonna talk through a couple of things, and here's where you can find yourself in a weird quandary, okay? Um, if there's no other places where you celebrate her, meaning, are there small actions that you take every day where she feels like this guy wants me, this guy likes me, this guy's on my team? Um, and again, I'm gonna make up stuff about your home, okay? She can't stand little clumps of dog hair. And so, twice a week, you're up 10 minutes early, you set your alarm 10 minutes early, and you just go sweep up the kitchen. Or she can't sleep at night unless

• 24:26Dr. John Delony?

  there's, the dishes are all out of the sink, and you're just grabbing them out. That, that sounds on its face like it has nothing to do with body image issues. But it has to do with you establishing trust that she knows this guy sees me, and he knows me, and he's celebrating me, not with his words, but in these little things. Okay, so that's one thing.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:47Dr. John Delony?

  So that's for you to back up and say, do I just, with lip service, say, "I love you, and you're beautiful"? Is, do you only say that when you wanna hook up? Do you only say that when she has to, when she makes a negative comment and you refute it? Or does she live in a world where she knows that dude freaking celebrates me 'cause he likes me?

• 25:06Speaker 02

  Um, I feel like she lives in a world where I celebrate her. Um, I usually cook dinner for us.

• 25:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  Um, and we usually do chores together, you know what I'm saying?

• 25:18Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  We usually clean the house together on the weekend. Um, and so I, I try to do my best to make sure the things that bother her are done.

• 25:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  You know what I'm saying?

• 25:29Dr. John Delony?

  Are, are those things that she's told you? Are those things that, like, that's the way you would like to be celebrated, and so you do those things?

• 25:35Speaker 02

  It's, it's a mix of both.

• 25:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  You know, like, I know, uh, you know, I know she likes the carpet vacuum, do you know what I'm saying? So if I see the carpets dirty, I'll vacuum, if that makes sense.

• 25:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. I know in my own marriage, the things I, the standards with which I think, "Man, that needs to be cleaned up", and my wife's very, very different, right? But all I have to say is, regularly asking the question, "How can I love you?"

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:01Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And not letting it be, "I would love it if she did this for me, so I'm gonna go do those things." Because what you end up doing is loving yourself really well. And you can end up doing a whole bunch that you think is for your partner, but y'all end up further apart. Okay, that's, so that's, that's thing number one. That's environment, that's context, okay? Um, the second part, and this is where it gets really tricky. If you're constantly telling her that she's beautiful, and that you love her, like, you love the way she looks, and she has some sort of pathology, meaning she's got some sort of body dysmorphia in some shape, form, or fashion, where she doesn't see it at all, and not only does she

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  not see it, she thinks you're not being honest in a weird way, like, it's a strange recursive way, but you constantly telling her how pretty she is, makes her trust you less.

• 26:53Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Because she doesn't see it. Now, if she thinks she's beautiful, and she's just trying to, like, go fishing for compliments, or she, she wants you to say it more regularly or whatever, that's a different story. But if she's somebody who has, like, always wanted to get a dollar amount, um, as an annual salary, and she got it, and she still doesn't like who she sees in the mirror. If she's always been chasing a certain pant size, and she gets, she's gotten it a couple of times, and she realizes, "Oh, that wasn't the thing either."

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  Then, the best gift you can give her is to sit down with her and say, "Hey, listen, you are seeing a different reality than I'm seeing. 'Cause I see an amazing wife, I see an accomplished professional, I see a great partner, I see a stunning, beautiful woman. And you have a different reality than me? I'm gonna ask that you and I, or us both, go talk with somebody."

• 27:53Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 27:54Dr. John Delony?

  Because you are, and I are experiencing the world differently. Because when I look at you, I see somebody that I love, I'm in love with, that I think is beautiful, who I think is the best person in the world. And quite frankly, I, I, I've been pretty open on this show. I've started with body, struggled with body dysmorphia my whole life. And some of the most important things for me, over the years, the, the almost quarter century I've been with my wife, is when she said, "I'm gonna ask you to stop talking about my husband like that."

• 28:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Which is different than, "Oh, I think you look good." If I don't think I look good, then I think she's just trying to placate me, right?

• 28:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:34Dr. John Delony?

  And so when she says, "What you're saying is not true. I think you need to go talk to somebody," because I trust her in all these other areas, I think, "Okay, maybe she's on to something."

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 28:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's getting to the thing beneath the thing. The proxy here is, like, the little skirmish is, "I look, I, I've got a case of the uglies today." "No, you don't." "Yes, I do." "No, you don't." "I think you're beautiful." You always say that, right? That back and forth thing? The thing beneath that thing is, "I'm married to a woman that I think is extraordinary, across the board. And I'm concerned that she doesn't see that same reality. She doesn't experience or feel that same reality. And I'd love you to go talk to somebody, because that means there's things beneath the things."

• 29:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I know, um, she's, uh, talked to somebody before.

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:26Speaker 02

  And a while back, um, you had a caller that was on, that said, like, like, um, she had, like, some comments from when she was a child, that she was chubby, and that really, like, stuck with her in her adult life, 'cause adults were telling her that she was overweight, when, you know, she really wasn't, you know, overweight. And, um, I think my wife experienced the same thing when she was a child and a teenager, 'cause she's kinda expressed that to me before.

• 29:55Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Okay.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  That makes sense. And I, I had her listen to that call, call, uh, that you had, um, and she said it made her cry, and it really hit a note.

• 30:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  With her.

• 30:06Dr. John Delony?

  Well, A, thank you for sharing that with her, and B, I think it's a great conversation to circle back to, and say, "A way you could love me," 'cause sometimes people, and this has been my personal case, um, it's hard to see that you're worth the work it's gonna take.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:28Dr. John Delony?

  But when somebody I care about says, hey, a gift for me? I jokingly said like two years ago, it wasn't a joke, but I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. And she said she wanted me to go see my therapist here in town. Right. That's what she wanted. Right. And so I didn't see it, but I have someone that loves me and cares about me and said, you know what? It'd be a gift for me. And often, I don't like this, but often I'll do something for somebody else before I'll do it for myself. And so maybe you circle back and say, hey, I want to circle back to that call you said made you cry. A gift to me as your husband, as the man who loves you more than anybody else in the world, would be you going to talk to a counselor so you can begin to process and set down those stories you were told as a kid.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  Cause who I see in front of me is stunned, is a stunning, beautiful woman who I love more than life itself. And I don't like to see you beat yourself up.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah, exactly.

• 31:22Dr. John Delony?

  That would be, that might be a blessing and she'll, she can't get well long-term by doing something for you, but it might be the path that gets her in the door.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah. Cause I hate seeing her tear herself apart, you know?

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  It's like, man, why, why, why do you do that to yourself? You know?

• 31:40Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I don't think the why, never ask the question, why? Okay. Cause why is a judgment question instead of,

• 31:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:49Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, tell me about this, cause the woman I'm seeing is, is, is different than the woman you're describing.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:56Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And that way you're not getting into a tit for tat, like, well, you're, I'm pretty, you're, you're not. I've gained a lot of weight. I don't see it at all. That becomes a distraction from, we're experiencing reality in two different ways. And I'm asking you, if you don't see it for yourself, will you love me enough to go talk to somebody?

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:17Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I'm worried about the woman I love. Now let me say one third thing, and this is just an area of caution. Okay? Never, ever, ever lie.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So if she has put on 20 pounds, saying, uh-uh, that's not true. And then she, it will validate in her mind, in her spirit, that you're not a person of integrity.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:42Dr. John Delony?

  That you can't be trusted when you say she's pretty in other, other times.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right. There's been seasons when I, I can vacillate weight in a wild way, kind of, kind of comically. And it frustrates people around me because I can put it on and I could take it off real fast.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  Um, there's been times when I've put it on and I've just let it hover, right? Cause I haven't, I haven't done the things I know I can do to, to, to drop it. And I'll start complaining about my pants don't fit or my shirts are too tight or whatever.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm grateful that my wife doesn't say, uh-uh.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:16Dr. John Delony?

  Cause it's true. I literally have, but she will say, I still think you're a good looking guy.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  Right. Um, so I know she's, cause you know, I've been to the doctor through a couple of times. I know she's one of those folks who doesn't like to see her weight when she goes to the doctor.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  If that makes sense, because it makes her upset.

• 33:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  If she gained five pounds or whatever, you know? And I know since we've been together, she's gained a little bit of weight, but she's not overweight, if that makes sense.

• 33:44Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. And five pounds can be a weekend bender of some pizza and a couple of drinks and some nachos, right? Like you can hold water with, with that many cart, right? So that doesn't bother me. What, what it sounds like is we need to get to the bottom of, where did your identity get linked up with this number on this little square box that you stand on?

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:06Dr. John Delony?

  Um, where, what kind of exposure therapy can you sit down with a therapist and work through? Like this number doesn't define you. We're not going to be scared of this number. We're going to go right through that tension. That's not something you as a husband can do, but man, you can be really encouraging that, hey, now's the time that I want you to go work on getting well, because I want you to see the amazing person that I see.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  And as, as often as you can get to the thing beneath the thing, as often as you can like disengage from the, I have a case of the uglies. Hey, I'm going to ask you to not say that about my wife.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:51Dr. John Delony?

  Or that's not the reality I'm experiencing right now.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:56Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And that deeper conversation, a way you could love me is I think it's time for you to go talk to somebody. Cause I hate the way people talk to you and implanted some of those stories in your mind that have become the stories you tell yourself. Um, the, the, the, kind of the algorithm for me, it's, it's a framework. It doesn't always work out this way. But the stories we were told by primary caregivers growing up, by coaches, by friends, by bullies, whoever, like, those stories we were told growing up become the stories we tell ourselves. And once it makes that shift to my mom and dad said this about me to I say this about me. It's very hard to untangle because why would you lie to yourself?

• 35:37Dr. John Delony?

  It's how you are experiencing the world and it can be disorienting to acknowledge, I'm not experiencing the world as it is. I live in that disorientation all the time. Um, I can feel that I look a certain way. And I've had to, in many cases, learn to outsource that. Like I trust you, I trust you, I trust you to tell me, um, up or down, but it can be very disorienting. But having a loving partner that just says, we are experiencing the world differently. I'm going to ask you to go talk to somebody. I will never lie to you. And I love you enough to say, what you're saying isn't true and I'll hold your hand and walk with you. But I want you to be free from these old, just ugly stories that aren't true.

• 36:20Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for loving your wife well, brother. That's really, I mean, it's noble and it's good. And also recognizing you just peppering her, um, emotions, her deep fears, her deep concerns, you just peppering her with facts, trying to quote unquote, fix her, isn't the solution here. And I, I just applaud you for recognizing that early and wanting to walk alongside her, not throw a repair manual at her. That's, that's noble, brother. Um, but go to the deeper level. I think referencing back to that call is a really great place to start. Thanks for the call, my man. When we come back, a man asks how to be a good father when his family thinks he's ruined his life

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  by having a baby at 19. We'll be right back. I know some of you out there are hurting, and I mean really hurting. Your marriage is falling apart in real time and you and your spouse both know it. You're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction and you feel completely powerless. Some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy, it's affecting every area of your life. And you've tried everything you can do and you can't seem to shake it. When things feel this desperate, a weekly therapy session might not be enough. That's why I want to tell you about the Vine and Root program from Capstone Wellness. These are three to five day onsite therapy intensives for couples, families and individuals who need more than a standard 50 minute therapy session once a week.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  You'll work with your Capstone's team before you even arrive. So the moment you get there, the real work can begin. Once you're there, you won't just talk about problems, you'll start to get to the root and heal them. Every single day you'll sit with a therapist who's completely focused on you. You'll do the deep work that leads to real change so that you leave with hope, a plan and the tools to keep moving forward. I know the people at Capstone personally. If someone I love needed this level of care, Capstone would be my first call because I trust them and the work they do. If this is you, don't wait. Go get help now. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more.

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  That's capstonewellness.com/deloney or click the link in the description. All right. Let's go out to San Diego, California and talk to Kai. Hey Kai, what's up, brother? Hey, what's up? What's up with you, man? Nothing much. Well, actually a lot. Well, thanks for calling. I'm glad you're here, man. What's going on? Well, uh, my girlfriend and I, we're both 19 and we're expecting a kid right now. Okay.

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  How can I help?

• 39:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm, I'm super excited to become, become a dad, but I'm scared that I don't feel like financially or emotionally prepared for what's coming.

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  You're not in any shape or fashion. I can tell you that right now. Let, let that fear go. That's a real, that's a reality, brother.

• 39:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:31Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I'll, I'll let you talk. Uh, a- ask the questions that you want to ask, man, and I'll be as honest as I can. I've sat with a number of young people in your situation over the years.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm just gonna give some background if that's okay with me.

• 39:46Dr. John Delony?

  Totally, man.

• 39:47Speaker 02

  The whole situation. So, um, earlier this year, my girlfriend and I, we were arguing and fighting because like I caught her kind of leaning on one of her like guy best friends.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  And, you know, even though it hurt, we decided to try and work through it and I still don't think I've like fully recovered from what happened.

• 40:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  And I still feel, I still feel hurt. And now that like we're expecting a child, I feel, I feel more pressure to try and make a relationship work.

• 40:34Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  And I love her, but sometimes I question whether like, whether we're staying together because we love each other or if I feel like, if we feel obligated to raise our kid together.

• 40:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I think that's a really hard tangled up like wad of hair to straighten out, right?

• 41:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:06Dr. John Delony?

  Like, um, are you still living at home? Is she still living at home? Are y'all out on your own?

• 41:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're both still living at home. I'm living with my mom and then she's living with her, with her parents.

• 41:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, fact number one is this woman is now in your life forever.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:27Dr. John Delony?

  Whether you're romantically involved with her, whether y'all both date and marry other people and have five kids each with, with another partner, you will always be linked to her. Okay?

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so whether you're romantically involved with her or whether you are a great co-parent with her,

• 41:49Dr. John Delony?

  um, let's not try to pull apart. Are we staying together for this baby because we think it's right? Because we're getting pressured by other people? Let's start from a place of I will commit right now to always treating this woman with dignity and respecting kindness. Even if she does something that is, that violates like decency, morality, if she tries to file for full custody of the kid, not let me see it. I am never going to succumb my character and get in the mud. I'm gonna always treat the mother of my child with dignity and respect. Even if I have to go to court and, and, and fight her in the court of law, I'm, I'm not going to, you get what

• 42:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'm saying? This, it, we're talking about an ethos here. This is the kind of man I'm going to become over time. Okay? The second thing is, is are, are your parents, have they all gotten a room and everybody talked about what we're gonna do and how we're gonna navigate this?

• 42:48Speaker 02

  No, they, both our families kind of hate each other right now.

• 42:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um,

• 42:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  This might be a strange place where you find yourself having to be the adult in the room.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:01Dr. John Delony?

  And say, I need all of the, I want to call a meeting with all the parents. And it might be very strange. It's a, it's a, it's a burden that you as a 19-year-old, like you're having a baby now, man. Like all of a sudden the squat rack of life, you're under the squat bar. It just got two or three plates thrown on it. Right?

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:19Dr. John Delony?

  Life got real, real heavy all of a sudden. And so that means you're gonna have to work really hard. You can either shirk the responsibility, which I think is cowardice, or you can decide, I gotta get in the weight room every freaking day and get real, real, real strong because I got this big responsibility. And I thought my 19, being 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, I thought it was gonna be about exploration and fun and trying stuff out. I gotta get in the weight room now because I got a different, I got a different life.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to tell you something that's gonna sound nutty to you at 19, okay? And this is, I'm, I'm an old man telling you this now, okay?

• 43:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  It can be a different kind of awesome.

• 44:01Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I mean by that. The number of musicians, the number of comedians, the number of folks who I sit with who gave up their twenties and into their thirties to like close down bars, to, um, spend time chasing, um, fame and fortune and career and all this stuff, almost universally, they come back to me and say, oh, the thing I was chasing, I got when I held my kid.

• 44:36Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 44:36Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, yes, you will, as a 19-year-old new dad, you're gonna miss out on some stuff that you would have done otherwise. And I'm not gonna lie to you, that stuff would have been awesome. Right? Getting to just travel the country, hop in a truck with some buddies and go do something wild, go to a college across, like, all that stuff would have been awesome. And

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  being a dad at 19, working three jobs to create a life for this little boy where he is loved rambunctiously, where he never doubts for a second that he's anchored into his old man and hopefully to his mom too.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 45:13Dr. John Delony?

  That's gonna be awesome too. It's a different kind of awesome. But you looking at him as deficiency, it could have been, should have been, he's gonna wear the weight of that. And that's not his job.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So you constantly saying, sorry, guys, I'm not going out. I'm gonna go, I gotta work this third job. Um, and that's you, like, think about it, that's you going to the gym, that's you getting stronger for this little boy. I gotta go work a third job. It's a different kind of awesome. It sucks in the moment, but man, the payoff will be something fierce when you are economically independent and he's got a safe place to come home to.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:52Dr. John Delony?

  And it might be that you get all the parents in the room and you say, all of us are gonna be in each other's life forever now. I need us all to act like adults here and come up with a plan.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  And if her parents or your parents are like, screw that, we hate them, they, they should, then you know, okay, cool, I'm on my own here.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:14Dr. John Delony?

  Or me and her are on our own. And that means I'm gonna have to get an apartment. That means we're gonna have to make some decisions. That means I might have to move in with her family if we're gonna try to make a run at a relationship. That mean, like, all of that stuff, it just changes everything. Right?

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's what they offered too.

• 46:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  Or, um, like us to move in together with her family and then just pay a little bit of rent each, each month.

• 46:42Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're gonna do that at 19, I think y'all should go see a premarital counselor and start unpacking, are we gonna make a run at this thing long-term or not?

• 46:51Dr. John Delony?

  And a good premarital counselor will talk to you about things like finances. We'll talk to you things about like faith. We'll talk to you about things like roles and responsibilities. Questions y'all are gonna have to answer regardless, but it just puts it all on the table and you can begin to see, hey, do we want to choose to enter into the same value set as each other? Do we want to choose to make a run at this thing? Or are we gonna call it now and not play house for a few years and, and, and, and on and on? You get what I'm saying?

• 47:21Speaker 02

  I get it. Yeah.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and by the way, brother,

• 47:23Speaker 02

  It's just that like,

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead, go ahead.

• 47:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, sorry.

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  No, you go ahead.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah, it's just that like, her family is super supportive of everything. And it feels like, you know, I'm going against my family because, and everybody, or most people I know because they're not supportive of it. And they feel like, yeah, disappointed in me. Yeah.

• 47:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  I hate to tell you this and you're learning this lesson at a young age, okay? But you find out who's in your corner when the chips are down.

• 48:05Dr. John Delony?

  You can be out with your boys and they can be talking a bunch of crap like, "Yeah, no one messes with us." But until the first punch is thrown at one of their friends, that's when you find out if they're on your team or not.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 48:19Dr. John Delony?

  And it can be really disheartening to think you had a gang. And then the first, the first big thing happens, you got, you got a girl pregnant, you're having a baby, man, at 19. And they had their dreams that they had put on you about what your life was gonna be like, about how you were gonna change the family, you were gonna do this, you were gonna make all the money, you were gonna, you were gonna...

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  And since you changed their picture, they're not on your team anymore. That can be a nightmare to figure that out in real time, especially when you're in the middle of a, of a trial like this.

• 48:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:52Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 48:57Dr. John Delony?

  And also,

• 49:00Dr. John Delony?

  how, how long have you known that she's pregnant?

• 49:04Speaker 02

  Um,

• 49:07Speaker 02

  since like the end of July.

• 49:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 49:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm also gonna say this, and it's gonna get me trouble on the internets, but that's fine.

• 49:20Dr. John Delony?

  Be compassionate about people's first responses too.

• 49:26Dr. John Delony?

  Moms and dads say stuff in the moment sometimes that they don't really mean, that they haven't thought through, just because their world just blew up.

• 49:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, your siblings, your, your knuckleheaded buddies, they may turn out to be some of your closest right or dies, and they said really stupid stuff when they first found something out. Both can be true. Okay?

• 49:50Dr. John Delony?

  Where a lot of people are gonna anchor into is, how do you plow forward into doing the next right thing? And for you, the next right thing is making sure baby's healthy, which means making sure mom is taken care of. Next right thing for you is coming up with a ironclad plan for economic stability.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? That might mean, "I'm going to marry this girl and we're gonna get our own apartment, or we're gonna live with mom and dad for six months or for one calendar year, but we have a on the calendar move out date. And it's gonna require this many dollars. And that means I gotta work this many jobs to get that many dollars." You get what I'm saying? Like, it's being very clear about an economic plan, not, "Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna, I think my uncle Tim's got a, we're not, we're not doing that anymore, we can't do that, we have a kid on the line now."

• 50:45Speaker 02

  Got it.

• 50:46Dr. John Delony?

  Or you don't wanna look up and be 24, still living in her parents' house. Y'all are still kinda sort of dating-ish, and you got a little four or five year old running around, like, that's not a life for any of y'all.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  And then we're gonna figure out the stability of this relationship. And you're right to have your heart broken if the girlfriend that you were falling for was having an emotional affair with somebody.

• 51:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:18Dr. John Delony?

  You're right to be upset.

• 51:21Dr. John Delony?

  And you're right to say, "Okay, here's what it's gonna look like to rebuild trust with me."

• 51:26Dr. John Delony?

  And hopefully she's all in, hopefully she's like, "Cool, here's the passcodes to my whatevers. Here's my text, here's my, like, I learned my lesson, I was 19, I was an idiot. I've learned it, you're my guy, you're about to be the father of my child, I'm all in."

• 51:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  "Or I'm gonna stay living at my mom's house, you stay with the baby in your house, I'll be there every afternoon, every evening.

• 51:53Dr. John Delony?

  But I don't wanna move in with you until we go ahead and lock this thing up. And that's gonna be a year from now."

• 52:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:03Dr. John Delony?

  And also, I wanna make sure that little baby knows Kai is his father, that, and that will only happen through presence, through you being around.

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  So you got a lot of choices and decisions to make, let's just get them in the right order. Number one, mom and baby are safe and good. Number two, economic stability. Number three, we're gonna really work on our relationship. Number four, I'm gonna make sure I'm surrounded by people who are on my team and in my corner.

• 52:35Dr. John Delony?

  And that will require you to have conversations that are not 19-year-old conversations. They are adult conversations, but you're gonna have to have them. You're gonna have to look at your mom and say, "Mom, I'm having a baby. Do you wanna be a grandma or not?

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I'm not gonna bring a new baby into this sort of negativity."

• 52:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I made a mistake, I refuse to call this baby a mistake. I will not have the baby coming into the world under a cloud of mistake.

• 53:04Dr. John Delony?

  You wanna be a grandma or not? Dad, you wanna be a granddad or not?

• 53:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 53:11Speaker 02

  It sounds like she doesn't wanna be one right now.

• 53:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 53:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:17Dr. John Delony?

  And if that's the choice she's making, if she's saying, "No, you disappointed me so bad, I don't wanna know my grandkid, I don't, I don't care about the stability and safety of my son, then man, you're gonna have to metabolize that and grieve that like crazy, cause I hate that for you."

• 53:34Dr. John Delony?

  And also, you still gotta take care of that baby. Still gotta make sure mom's okay, that means you might say, "Cool, I'm moving out then."

• 53:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  But also,

• 53:48Speaker 02

  I think that...

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead, go ahead.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 53:52Speaker 02

  She wants, like,

• 53:57Speaker 02

  she wants what's best for me,

• 54:01Speaker 02

  but she doesn't have like my personal interest in mind.

• 54:07Dr. John Delony?

  She wants her version of what she thinks is best for you to be true.

• 54:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:13Dr. John Delony?

  She's not helping you become the best version of yourself in the situation you find yourself in.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  Which generally speaking, I don't wanna put things on your mom, but generally speaking, that is, she doesn't wanna have to tell her friends that her, that her golden child is having a baby at 19. She doesn't wanna tell her friends that she's a young grandma, she doesn't wanna tell, like, that's usually where that comes from. And that's gross.

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  Because that's, that's giving that community more of a vote. She doesn't wanna go to church and say, "This is my son and he had a baby out of wedlock," right?

• 54:50Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of, "This is my grandbaby and whom I'm well pleased. Happened in a situation that I wouldn't have wished on anybody, cause it's, and make no mistake, brother, it's gonna be hell. You're gonna have a hard couple of years."

• 55:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? It's grow up real fast time, and I think you can do it, I fully believe in you. I've seen it done over and over and over again. And I've also seen 19-year-old dads wither away and disappear.

• 55:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna call you to a higher standard, cool?

• 55:18Speaker 02

  Cool.

• 55:19Dr. John Delony?

  This little boy deserves a dad who's all in on him.

• 55:23Speaker 02

  You're right about that.

• 55:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Especially if you had a dad that walked out.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Uh, he actually passed.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, he passed away.

• 55:34Speaker 02

  Three years ago. Yeah. I think that's why my mom feels more hurt too, in a way.

• 55:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  Cause, yeah, I think my dad would be, or from what she says, like, he would be

• 55:52Speaker 02

  disappointed.

• 55:55Speaker 02

  Really disappointed.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  And with all due respect, how dare she put your deceased father's judgments on you?

• 56:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:03Dr. John Delony?

  How dare she do that?

• 56:06Dr. John Delony?

  Cause he might've been disappointed in you. He might've had a night where he's like, "Damn it Kai, I can't believe you did this," followed by, "Bring me that, bring me my grandbaby, bring me my granddaughter, let me hold her. I'm a granddad now," right? So

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  that's her not being willing to own her own stuff and passing it off to her to see, like, man, I'm, I'm not having that conversation with somebody.

• 56:31Dr. John Delony?

  So it's game on, man, game on. And if people don't wanna be in your corner right now, you don't have time to sit around and wait on them, you got a baby on the way. And it's time for you to get involved in supporting mom, being a man of integrity and character, and getting your butt to work, cause you gotta get some money, because there's an economic reality, a harsh economic reality, to have bringing a child into the world. Game on. It's been an honor talking to you, brother, call me anytime and I'll be here for you. We'll be right back.

• 57:01Dr. John Delony?

  Here's something most people don't think about. You wake up a little stiff, a little tired, and you figure that's just how sleep is nowadays. But the truth is, you've gotten so used to the mattress you've been sleeping on for the last 10 or 15 or 20 years, that you don't even realize how bad your mattress actually is. And it may be while you're not sleeping well. And I gotta say this too, old mattresses get gross. Now is the time to finally get a new mattress and switch to Helix. Sleeping on a Helix mattress will help you sleep better. And better sleep affects everything else, including your attitude, your emotional regulation, and your health.

• 57:43Dr. John Delony?

  With more than 20 different mattress models, Helix has a mattress designed just for you. Whether you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, whether you sleep hot, or you and your partner have different needs, you need Helix. Get online and take their sleep quiz, it takes like two minutes, and Helix will match you with a mattress built around how you actually sleep. I sleep on a Helix mattress every night, it's the mattress I have in every room of my house, and it's the mattress I recommend to all of my friends and all of my family. You don't know what you've been putting up with when it comes to your mattress until you finally make the switch and wake up feeling rested and restored. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney to save 20% off site wide this month.

• 58:26Dr. John Delony?

  That's helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com/deloney, or click the link in the description. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 58:37Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. I forgot the words that were coming out of my mouth.

• 58:42Speaker 03

  Words, words are hard sometimes.

• 58:43Dr. John Delony?

  They're hard.

• 58:44Speaker 03

  They are.

• 58:44Dr. John Delony?

  All right, something awesome happened, what is it?

• 58:45Speaker 03

  All right, so this is from Anna in St. Clair, Michigan. And she writes, "My husband and I moved to our first house together in January this year. We started a garden where we feed the local deer population and we are overrun by zucchini. Apparently, I guess deer don't like zucchini, maybe?

• 59:02Dr. John Delony?

  Nope.

• 59:03Speaker 03

  "After listening to your show, I realized I was lacking community in my life. Inspired by your words of go, go first and be weird, we decided to introduce ourselves to our neighbors with zucchini in hand."

• 59:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yes!

• 59:14Speaker 03

  "We met each of them and got to learn about them. My husband was cutting the grass the other day and the tire came off the mower. We've been having problems with it, so we started our typical routine to go get the tire back on. This time, in the front yard, our neighbor saw us struggling. He ran over and helped us push the mower back while holding the tire in place to help fix it in the garage. It felt like a small but significant moment of human connection as we worked together. We're finding community each day and it all started with me being brave and giving some zucchini away."

• 59:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yes! Yes, this is it, tiny little things. And then the neighbor came over, and here's the crazy thing about the neighbor coming over, the neighbor felt good about that too. And now the neighbor's gonna keep their eyes open for more opportunities they can show up and help another neighbor, or, yes, that's how it happens, it's like the spread of CWD, like with deer, it's a, it's a deer disease. It starts small and it just spreads and spreads and spreads.

• 1:00:07Speaker 03

  Do we have to like compare this to a disease?

• 1:00:09Dr. John Delony?

  I was just listening to the Steve Rinella podcast about it right before here, it's a terrible example for spreading community and joy.

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  It is. But it's, let's say it's like ripples in the water or something like that, not a deer disease.

• 1:00:22Dr. John Delony?

  Why don't you just read me the Footprints

• 1:00:25Dr. John Delony?

  poem that's in every 45 and up Christian bathroom in America?

• 1:00:31Speaker 03

  I am 45 and up and it is, and a Christian, that is not in the bathroom.

• 1:00:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but it's tattooed on your lower back, so there's that. Hey, what was her name again?

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Anna in St. Clair, Michigan.

• 1:00:42Dr. John Delony?

  Anna in St. Clair, that's how you change communities, I'm proud of you for going first and being weird. It's the antidote to the loneliness epidemic in our country. Everybody, go first, be weird, and be generous with your zucchinis. Love you guys, bye.