Caller: “How Do I Navigate Porn Recovery?”

❤️ The Marriage Kit is here. Limited kits available to help you reconnect! On today’s episode, we hear about: A man struggling to give up porn for good A woman wondering how to rebuild her marriage after her husband’s rehab A mom who doesn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 01:18 I’ve Struggled With Porn for Years 21:12 How Do We Rebuild Our Marriage After Rehab? 37:30 I Don’t Like My Future Son-In-Law Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get started today with Churchill Mortgage. Equal Housing Lender. NMLS ID 1591. nmlsconsumeraccess.org. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  So I've been dealing with porn addiction since I was 11 years old or so. Had a pretty long stretch, it was over a year that I was sober. I started going to therapy back in February. I think that's sort of what brought this on, you know, the sort of stretch of relapses.

• 0:32Dr. John Delony?

  How bad do you want to be free from this then?

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. And hey, don't hit the fast forward button. It's a big day, big, big day. Listen, for those of y'all who have never listened to the show and you're just joining us, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. If you've been in this gang for six months, for six years, listen, this is a big day. Three years ago, I was talking to a caller on my show about what me and my wife do every year. At the beginning of every year with our annual retreat. And it sounds all cheesy and whatever, but it's just us getting together. Some years it's been a few hours, some years it's been a couple of days. But we just get together and we reflect on last year and we are honest about how we were as parents,

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  as we were as spouses and as like, were we the people we said we wanted to be last year? And what do we need to do this year? Because we get to choose what our marriage looks like in the upcoming year. And I put out on social media, hey, listen, would anybody be interested in like a leather bound calendar that just walks through, here's how me and my wife navigate the year? Never before or since have, I got thousands of DMs of people saying, yes, please, please, please, please, please, give us some sort of path, some sort of path. We love a journal, love a journal, all that. And so I sat down with my team and said, hey, we got to come up with this journal. Like this is something that I think could help a lot of people. Walking through the daily, the weekly, the monthly, all the way to the yearly.

• 2:07Dr. John Delony?

  We put our heads together and we just came up for air three years later. We didn't do the leather bound journal. We took it one step further and I'm super excited to announce this year's marriage kit. It's available right now. There's, I only made a couple of thousand of these things. They will 100% sell out and I priced them because I know the economy is tough on everybody. So I priced them really cheap, not cheap, but I priced them not a million dollars so that everybody could get them. Listen dude, this, this marriage kit, it's incredible. It's, it's so good. It starts with the annual retreat and I walk you and your spouse through the annual retreat. You each get your own path through that.

• 2:47Dr. John Delony?

  And every single month, I've got every single month, I've got a date night for you, whether you can do it on your back porch or y'all can go away for the weekend, like wherever you find yourself, I'll walk you through, here's a thing I want y'all to think about, a challenge and a fun thing for y'all to do. And as always, man, this, this whole marriage kit is, it runs the gamut of a marriage, right? Sex, sex and intimacy, doing fun stuff together, dealing with hard stuff together. And in fact, in this kit, I also have a special envelope called break in case of emergencies. Cause I know this year, someone's going to lose their job. Somebody's going to have an aging parent get really sick. Somebody's going to have a big, you're going to find out something on your spouse's computer, whatever.

• 3:31Dr. John Delony?

  I know life doesn't just happen the way we plan it. And so this marriage kit is for sale right now. Go to johndeloney.com. It's 80, I think it's 85 bucks. I priced it to where it'd be about the cup of one fancy coffee per month. And this is me walking with you for the entire year. And by the way, in every one of these date nights, I have a video that me and the video team, and I've got some filmmakers on this team. And so some of these are hilarious, but it's me walking with you. So you scan the QR code and a video of me will come up, teach you about what this month is about, planning for the holidays, planning for the summer, planning for spring break, planning for a new baby, planning for all of that stuff that makes marriage feel so impossible.

• 4:12Dr. John Delony?

  Me at your kitchen table with you and hopefully with you and your spouse, walking with you, building the best marriage you want. This is the marriage kit, go to johndeloney.com, check it out. The best Christmas gift ever. And if you're wondering like, I don't know what to get my spouse, I got you. Cause this gift will keep giving for an entire year and it's 85 bucks. Go check it out, johndeloney.com.

• 4:36Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Lancaster, not Lancaster, Lancaster, Pennsylvania and talk to Kevin. Hey Kevin, what's up man?

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Dude, Dr. John, how are you?

• 4:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, my brother, how are you?

• 4:47Speaker 01

  I'm so nervous.

• 4:50Dr. John Delony?

  Well dude, I'm glad, I'm glad you're here, man.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I'm very glad I'm here too. It's, it's a privilege to talk to you.

• 4:57Dr. John Delony?

  I'm grateful, man. What's up?

• 5:00Speaker 01

  So I'm 26 years old. I'm married for one year, next week, week and a half.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  And so I've been dealing with porn addiction since I was, I mean, 11 years old or so. And so I've been navigating that with, with my wife, you know, obviously before we were even married, it came up and you know, we talked about it and you know, I had a pretty good stretch, you know, leading up to, right after we got married and had a pretty long stretch, it was over a year that I was sober and that was, you know, that was good.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  But recently it's been, it's been coming back up. It's been an issue again, you know, so that's, and it's been hard to, you know, string together, you know, longer, longer days, longer, you know, stretch of days. So I've noticed.

• 5:54Dr. John Delony?

  What's been coming up?

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Well, I started going to therapy back in February and it, I think that's sort of what, what sort of brought this on, you know, this, you know, this sort of stretch of relapses. You know, I'll get a month or so going and then, and then things kind of, kind of turn again. Cause I think it was bringing up a lot of things, unresolved things from, from when I was younger. So.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. I want to pause you right there, I want to pause you right there. Cause I know, I know in your head, you've told the story a thousand, a million times and it's a track. It's, it's been a ghost haunting you since you were 11. And so I'm interrupting you on purpose, okay?

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, solid.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  I think you nailed it, like hit the nail right on the head.

• 6:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't even know if you just realized that you hit it.

• 6:52Dr. John Delony?

  Actually, I'm going to put a pin in that. I'm going to let you keep talking. I just want, I just want you to hear me say, I think you've just answered your own question. And that will be the, that will be the starting line for a brand new life. Okay? But keep going. So it's, it's showing up in your life now in your marriage and it sounds like it's causing problems inside your own chest, inside your marriage with your wife, right?

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, you know, one of the big things my wife has said is, you know, she said, I just want you to be honest about it. I want you to be upfront about it and not try to hide it from me. And I, I want to do the same, you know, I really value honesty, especially in our relationship. But I, it gets hard because a lot of times I will, you know, I'll bring it up to her like, hey, I'm struggling today. I'm having a hard time. She's encouraging, you got this, whatever. And then if I relapse, it's almost like, you know, talking about it beforehand didn't help, it still gets her very upset and, and it's, it can be a big effect on her. And so.

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me pause you right there. I'm going to interrupt you again right here. What about when you tell her, I'm struggling today?

• 7:59Dr. John Delony?

  And she says, thank you for sharing that with me. I believe in you, you got this.

• 8:05Dr. John Delony?

  What have you put in place?

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  To navigate?

• 8:13Dr. John Delony?

  This beacon that's calling to you?

• 8:21Speaker 01

  I'm not sure I know what you mean.

• 8:23Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to reframe pornography for a second, okay? What if pornography was not the problem in your life?

• 8:31Dr. John Delony?

  What if pornography, since you were 11 years old, has been the solution to a problem?

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:39Dr. John Delony?

  And that problem, and again, I'm making this up here, we just met, is big emotional feelings from, that have haunted you since you were a kid.

• 8:50Dr. John Delony?

  And you feel them churning on a particular day.

• 8:55Dr. John Delony?

  And like you, you know, here it is. Here comes these feelings that I want to numb out from, that I want to escape from, whether it's loneliness, whether it is isolation, whether it is I need a release, whether it is I feel less than, whether it is I feel anxious, I'm feeling low, like whatever it is.

• 9:14Dr. John Delony?

  And you're conscious enough of that sensation, that feeling, here it comes, it's building, that you're conscious enough to bring your, your partner in to this conversation.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then the way you talk about relapse is if, is if a relapse thing is out there and it comes upon you like a shadow. And what I want to give you is agency here. You're making choices and it might not be making choices to not use it. Once, once that buildup gets so high, I've got to release. And I'll open my toolkit and the only tool I've gotten here, the only tool I've had since I was 11 is pornography.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm willing to tolerate the, my wife being upset with me, the deep shame I've had in my life for what 15 years now. Um, all the failures that I feel like I had, all that stuff. I'm willing to deal with that because pornography makes this pain go away right this second.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  That, yeah, that's, that's exactly, that's exactly it.

• 10:15Dr. John Delony?

  And so the, the solution, like the path forward is A, begin to, on a long-term trajectory, begin to deal with that buildup.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  What are those feelings? Where do they come from? Why are they there? Why do they keep showing up? And in the immediate, what are things I'm going to do right now and I begin to feel them coming?

• 10:42Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? This is where somebody who struggles with alcohol, um, has a breathalyzer in there. I can't drive. Or has a sponsor that they call, has a place they go. That's not the bar. Right?

• 10:59Dr. John Delony?

  This is the guy who goes to the gym, the guy who goes for a run, the guy who, fill in the blank, there's any number of action steps to take, not just you clenching your fist and saying, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Because it builds and builds and builds and then open my tool bag and I got one thing in it.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:21Dr. John Delony?

  So, take me back to 11. Besides the, the curiosity and getting your heart rate up and this is wild, this is, this is you, different and cool and, and naked people are awesome. Like besides that stuff, like what, what did pornography become for you over time?

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Um, I actually, okay, so I think I have exactly the answer there. I mean, I remember like with the, when I first sort of discovered it, like you said, like the first thought was like, oh, this is super cool. And then my next thought was, oh, I can't wait to go hide away with this thing. Like it was always a place where I could go to hide. Like whenever I was like, if the day was too much, if I, I couldn't, like if I just couldn't keep my, my anxiety down, my nerves down, like if I couldn't deal with this situation, whatever the situation was, like I could always go hide. It's, it's like, it's like putting a blanket over a kitten. Cause like, it's, it's always gonna work, just kind of mutes everything.

• 12:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right. What, what was happening in your life?

• 12:23Speaker 01

  You're living under a blanket.

• 12:23Dr. John Delony?

  What was hype happening in your life at 11 that you needed to mute?

• 12:33Speaker 01

  I, I think it was all in my head. Now, that's not to say that it wasn't, you know, real. I just mean that like, um, you know, s- school was always very hard for me for a lot of reasons, like, like socially and, you know, homework wise. Um, and, you know, my, my, it seemed like my whole existence for those ages was like, I go to school and I feel awkward at school and then I come home and I get yelled at for not doing my homework fast enough.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, right, that's it right there.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  You know?

• 13:08Dr. John Delony?

  That's it right there.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  Home wasn't a place where you could go exhale.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  No, not at all.

• 13:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Home wasn't a place where you were welcomed, unless maybe you sang and danced the right way or you got out of the way.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  And pornography for an 11 year old is a jolt to the system. It makes you feel alive.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:34Dr. John Delony?

  And then in 26, after a 15 year war with it, it keeps you from feeling dead.

• 13:41Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  I hate you've been fighting with this for so long, man.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  I hate how accessible it is. I hate, it's burned out a generation of young men and I'm sorry.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I, I think you know who, uh, who Steve Walt is.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  Uh, with Valor.

• 14:03Dr. John Delony?

  I'm actually having him on my show here in a couple of weeks. Yeah.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  I, I can't wait. I love that guy. I worked with him and Valor for a little bit and, and he says, you know, like imagine, uh, imagine someone who's addicted to cocaine, walking around with a pocket full of coke and trying not to do it.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. Yeah. But that, my pushback on, I mean, that, he's exactly 1,000% right.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:24Dr. John Delony?

  My pushback to you individually is, how bad do you want to be free from this thing?

• 14:32Speaker 01

  I just, I just want to be done. I, I don't want to, you know, I, my original question was something like, how do I, you know, navigate a porn addiction with transparency in my marriage? And I had a thought yesterday and I was like, like, why, like, I just want to be done with it. Like, I don't want to make room for it in my marriage.

• 14:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  I just want it out.

• 14:51Dr. John Delony?

  It's like saying, hey, I'm an alcoholic. How do I be a good husband while being an alcoholic?

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, right. It's like.

• 14:57Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I, I want you, my friend Kevin, to be free, have peace.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  And in a weird way, that, that means not going to war with pornography. It's going to war with, and not even going to war with. It is walking towards and dealing with the loneliness you felt your whole life, the awkwardness you felt, the out of place, I don't feel right in my own skin.

• 15:33Dr. John Delony?

  I don't even believe my wife of one year that she loves me. Like I, I get it, but I don't, I don't internalize it.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:41Dr. John Delony?

  It's dealing with that stuff.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:45Dr. John Delony?

  And then coming up with some new tools that don't include pornography as a way to deal, because you're always going to have big stuff going on. Are y'all, are you having kids?

• 15:54Speaker 01

  Um, she's, uh, 18 weeks.

• 15:56Dr. John Delony?

  Shut up dude, congratulations, man.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, it's awesome.

• 16:00Dr. John Delony?

  And so, so, bro, big feelings are just gonna get bigger, right? They're coming.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so...

• 16:15Dr. John Delony?

  Holding space for, what if pornography worked?

• 16:21Dr. John Delony?

  It, it took me down with him, with it, but what has it been serving me? What has it let me avoid? What does it let me not deal with? What does it let me, like you said, just get under a blanket and escape from? Cause now I'm 26, I'm about to be a dad, I'm a married man, and I'm going to begin standing up on my own two feet and throw my shoulders back and get a gang. You cannot do this by yourself.

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to walk through it.

• 16:49Dr. John Delony?

  And I've seen some folks where pornography just kind of goes away. Like they, it, like by dealing with stuff over here, that the urge is just gone. It just becomes like, ugh, you know what I mean? And others will fight the craving of novelty, they'll, they'll fight the craving of like, dude, I just want to do something, like just, I follow the rules all the time in my life. I just want to, not follow the rules for a minute. And I, all that I get, totally get that.

• 17:14Dr. John Delony?

  But that's not why you use it.

• 17:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 17:18Speaker 01

  No. No.

• 17:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's heading directly into that. So when I say you, you have, you hit the nail on the head.

• 17:27Dr. John Delony?

  It's the smoke and the ghosts and the dragons that have been chasing you since you were little kids and that 11 year old wondering, why do I have to hide in my own house?

• 17:40Dr. John Delony?

  Why do I have to find any sort of blanket in my own home? It's my mom and my dad.

• 17:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:50Dr. John Delony?

  And that sucks, man.

• 17:56Dr. John Delony?

  And part of healing will be a commitment to my new baby will never understand that feeling.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no way. No way.

• 18:07Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that kid knows I'm going to love him, I'm going to tell him or her every day of their life, I love you. I'm going to tell them every day of their life, I'm so grateful I get to be your dad.

• 18:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to show up.

• 18:20Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna hold them accountable, of course, all that stuff, but it's gonna be based and rooted in, there is no bigger for you person in the world than me.

• 18:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 18:32Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't, I can't wait. I genuinely can't wait for that.

• 18:36Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but also it doesn't happen all at once and you'll be doing it while the baby's diaper leaks all over you. And you'll be doing it when you're, when you see reflections of yourself in the kid. And you'll see it when you start to raise your voice, the way your dad raises voice at you. And so you'll see it start to happen and you're gonna have to have that, it's emotional maturity, but you're gonna have to have the, the character and strength of will and the release of all of these other dragons that you've been carrying around for so long. You're gonna have to have that under control so that when those moments happen, and dude, they will happen forever, that you got the margin emotionally and a plan

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  and action steps to take. I can't think of a better thing in the world for you to do than to find a group where you are.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:28Dr. John Delony?

  Whether that's Valor, whether that's an SA group or anywhere, because there's something freeing, there's like, uh, I think Brene Brown says, shame eats secrets for breakfast. That's what it eats. And so that means the antidote to shame is openness, vulnerability. I'm just gonna say it. Here's what I've been struggling with. And you see a room full of guys, men and women look at you and be like, yep, us too. And you don't feel crazy.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  No, it's definitely been tough because that's another thing like, you know, um, and trying, just in the interest of like, well, I want to be open and sharing. I'll share some things with, with my wife. I have, I have once or twice and it has not, uh, has not gone over super well. And I was like, wow, see, this is why I can't be honest, but that's, that's not real, you know?

• 20:14Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  But it is true. I need some place for that, you know?

• 20:18Dr. John Delony?

  And there's some, like, I have, I have a therapist that I go see, even though I have the training that I have and I do what I do for a living.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:31Dr. John Delony?

  My wife has her own therapist, the person she sees, and it's not me.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Right.

• 20:36Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so in fact, it would be highly unethical for me to try to, it, it, it would be completely wrong at every, every stage. And so you asking your wife to be a garbage bin where you can dump all of the stuff that you're wrestling and struggling with.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  That's too much for her to handle. That's not her job. Her job is to be with you and hold your hand while you are, be an anchor point while you go do what you've got to do. So you can show up and give your entire self away and serve her recklessly for the rest of your life.

• 21:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 21:10Dr. John Delony?

  And that means there's, there's not a hack. I will tell you, the greatest money you could spend right now is getting yourself well and whole.

• 21:19Dr. John Delony?

  Whether it's with a group like Valor that I've got high respect for, or it's a free SA group in the basement of a church there in Pennsylvania with the cheap coffee and bad donuts. But I'll celebrate you, man. Congratulations.

• 21:35Dr. John Delony?

  And if you, uh, I, I recommend anybody listening, um, I recommend this a few months ago, I think, but go check out, uh, neighbor here in Nashville, Theo Von's podcast with Steve Walt, W O L T. Um, put it in your podcast player and, or on YouTube and go watch the whole thing. And it's real raw, so it's not for young kids. Um, but it's the most honest discussion I've heard two men have about pornography. And Theo asked some incredible questions and both men are really open. It's, it's a powerful, powerful conversation. So much so that I reached out to see if I can have Steve on the show. Um, because I

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  think what they're doing is, is good work there. But the antidote to that shame is finding a gang where you can be open and honest with and setting up a practice where you can have some action steps. So when the clouds start coming, you don't just sit there and get rained on. You have some action steps on where you can go seek shelter.

• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  Let's seek for sobriety. Let's seek for healing. Brother Kevin.

• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations, my man. Day one. We come back. A woman asks how to rebuild her marriage after her husband's recovery from alcoholism. We'll be right back.

• 22:52Dr. John Delony?

  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Every year you tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently. You're gonna stay calmer. You're gonna feel more peace. But then the same old patterns show up. The same family tensions, the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries, and you find yourself cranky and tired and even snapping at people that you love. Listen, this year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions. And you can develop a plan for moving through the holidays with peace. Therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it. When you're ready to have that conversation, check out BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform

• 23:36Dr. John Delony?

  with more than 30,000 licensed therapists across its network. This means you can find someone who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season, help you develop a plan, or help you with whatever your needs and goals are. If the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. If you've thought about trying therapy with BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide through participating providers. And eligible members have an average copay of just 23 bucks a session. Listen, you know what's coming. This year, you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni to check out your payment options.

• 24:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's BetterHelp, H E L P dot com slash dalloni, or click the link in the description.

• 24:28Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's stay right here in Nashville and talk to Laura. Hey Laura, what's up?

• 24:33Speaker 02

  Uh, hey, how are you?

• 24:34Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right. How are you?

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Good, good. Um, I guess so. My question is, um, I'm basically just trying to figure out how to rebuild a marriage after my husband struggled with alcoholism and some other things. Um, but he's in rehab right now. He'll be there for another eight months. So we've got time, but, um, just trying to figure out kind of what that's gonna look like.

• 25:04Dr. John Delony?

  He's in an eight, eight month inpatient?

• 25:08Speaker 02

  Um, almost a year, actually. He's 81 days in.

• 25:11Dr. John Delony?

  What else, what else was going on besides alcohol?

• 25:14Speaker 02

  Um, alcohol is the root. Well, I guess not the root, but that was the main thing. And then he, you know, there's financial infidelity, pornography, things that went along with it that probably would have never happened if alcohol wasn't involved.

• 25:29Dr. John Delony?

  A year long inpatient is a really serious commitment.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:36Dr. John Delony?

  I've never heard, I've never heard of an a year long inpatient.

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  Based on what?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  It's a faith-based, um, recovery program where they, they retrain your brain, but you know, they, they really get you to learn how to live life without that crutch of alcohol or drugs or whatever it is you're dealing with.

• 25:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well, I'll leave that for another call. So, I mean, the reality is when, if, if your husband stays anywhere for a year, y'all are apart for a year? Do y'all have any visits or connections in between?

• 26:12Speaker 02

  It's very minimal, 10 minutes on Saturdays, which is monitored. So the calls are, you know, not very personal. And then visits here and there, sometimes once a month, sometimes the month gets skipped.

• 26:25Dr. John Delony?

  Is this with licensed clinicians?

• 26:28Speaker 02

  Um.

• 26:29Dr. John Delony?

  This sounds culty.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  It, it's, it's faith-based. So I know they can't get like state assistance or anything like that. Um, I don't, I don't.

• 26:39Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know a few just unbelievable world-class, wouldn't think two seconds about sending my kids, faith-based organizations. And I also know a bunch that use the phrase faith-based to, to mean we do whatever we want.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  Potentially. Um, but no, well, people that, uh, that are, have charges and have prison time, they can choose to go there.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So now, now we're getting to it. So tell me why he got arrested.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Well, he, he didn't. I'm just saying that is a choice that people have. So it is like a, a real place that, you know, people that are going to prison get sent to sometimes, but, um, which makes the environment a little bit rough.

• 27:24Speaker 02

  Yes, but that you can also go by choice, which he did choose to go.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So how are you, how are you gonna survive for a year without his income?

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Well, that, I mean, that's, yeah, whole story. I've, I've moved probably seven times in the last five, six, six years of marriage because of this. This is not round one.

• 27:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I, I, the, the best thing I could tell you is if, if your husband goes here for a year and y'all are able to talk 10 minutes every week. So that would be a total of, was it 520 minutes? You have 52 weeks, you'll have 10 minutes a week. Um, over the course of one calendar year and not see each other, you're gonna have a completely different human walking out the door.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, for sure. We're both changing a lot.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  So your marriage rebuild will look like, starting from scratch, like, hi, my name is Laura. What's yours?

• 28:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:25Dr. John Delony?

  And we'll start with dating again. It will be very, very slow. I'm, I'm more concerned right now with you and your safety.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Um, I'm with family now.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  Um, but I know he went to detox two other times and, you know, we've moved out of our houses due to just, yeah, this, like basically I've left twice.

• 28:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  Um.

• 28:51Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to stay in this marriage?

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So the greatest gift you can give yourself and then ultimately your marriage, ultimately your, your spouse, is for you to be in service to yourself for this next year?

• 29:11Dr. John Delony?

  Service to self comes before service to others. Otherwise, you you're not, you don't have an anchor point to hold when you're serving others. It's it's it's going to the kitchen to fill up your pitcher so you can spend the rest of your shift filling up all of your patrons' water glasses.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I am speaking. I've completely transformed since we've been married. I will be honest, I, we started in a bad place when we first got together. And I, you know, through God, I've changed a lot. We had two kids. Um, and so I, I am pouring, I go to small groups and I also have a healing group right now, I'm, I'm attending to do.

• 29:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, listen, those things are great, but I want to talk about specifics, like work, like your physical health, like going to see a licensed therapist. Like, when I, when I say being in service to yourself, like, having a faith component is, is great, wonderful, I love it, and there's got to be some action steps that you're taking to actively strengthen and embolden yourself emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do, I do work a lot, and I also work out, and I eat very healthy. I've been a whole.

• 30:31Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have, do you have a gang? Do you have some, some women in your life that are just your friends?

• 30:34Speaker 02

  That is where I'm trying to get better. Since I've moved so many times, I'm rebuilding again, and I'm finding it very, very hard to retell my story and rebuild a community and then feel like I'm gonna lose it again. I've, I've built community in the past, very strong community, and it's just, yeah, it's been kind of taken away.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I'm proud of you for getting back in the ring again after getting hit a bunch, and that's the worst, I know. What about your kids? How are they?

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Man, they are amazing.

• 31:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Resilient. Five and seven.

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  Five and seven. Awesome. Will you commit to once a week, taking each one of them to breakfast if you can, and if finances are real tight, to take them to the back porch? And letting your folks or whatever family members you're staying with, take the other one and just have some devoted one-on-one time with each kid once, at least once a week?

• 31:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think that would be really good. They're together all the time, so I think that would be really good.

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  I, I'm thinking of individual time for each one of those kids, that their mom is looking them directly in the eye, there's no phones, there's, it's just straight connection, there's just straight, how's it going? Being silly, I'll send you some questions for humans, for kids, and you can ask them questions and get to know them, not know about them, but get to know them. Um, and that will bring your, your spirit peace, too. Yeah, when it comes to rebuilding your marriage, like, you don't know who's coming out.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Can, I know this isn't my question, um, but do you think a year's crazy?

• 32:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  Cause I'm kind of getting that feeling, even though I prayed for kind of this thing of recovery, I just didn't know it would look like this, and it's, it's so hard.

• 32:20Dr. John Delony?

  I, I'm, I'm telling you, I'm, I'm ignorant on all the different types of, there's, there's a hundred million programs, you can, there's a program everywhere you shake a stick at, okay? So I'm, I'm telling you, I'm ignorant of it. I'm also telling you, I've spent my career with folks who need to go to rehab of some shape, form, or fashion, some sort of impatience, something or other, for sex addiction, addiction for drugs, for alcohol, for, you name it. And I have zero recollection of somebody going away for a year, especially to an unlicensed program that just says, hey, we're faith-based. That's also a jail alternative.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  That's, that's, it's new to me. It doesn't mean it doesn't exist, doesn't mean it won't be super helpful, doesn't mean whatever. I'm just saying, that's not something I would sign up a loved one to, to go be a part of.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  I mean, is, you know, he's sober now, he's been sober, and he's a whole different person. I mean, he's amazing.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Um, keeping it that way, of course, is my, is the fear. Um, but I mean, that's, that's a choice, I guess, I have to let go of, it's his choice.

• 33:25Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. But, but the type of marriage y'all have, how y'all communicate with each other, how you're on the same team, and you're never reverse each other, how y'all deal with conflict, how y'all navigate kids and the shame that kids bring when you mess up, and how you come back together, and how y'all are, are, have similar values that y'all are both anchored into, even though you got different beliefs on stuff. All of that stuff is stuff you can work on, but that requires you to get anchored first.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. Right? I guess I'm, I'm kind of type A, and I just have a list that I feel like in my head, like, these are all the topics we need to talk about, that, you know, we need to agree on and compromise on before we move it back, you know, we're back together. I don't know.

• 34:12Dr. John Delony?

  And I would love for you to spend this next year, you're taking care of your physical health, you're, you're making sure your kids are safe, which makes you a good mom, you're beginning to, like, wade back out into the nightmare that is making friends as an adult, you're doing all the right things. I would love for you to spend some time, I'll hook you up with three months for free with BetterHelp. Like, I, I would love for you to spend some time with, the list can be very important, it can be very important, because I gotta get some stuff done, right? But lists can also be, um, an anti-anxiety, an anxiolytic medication. It can be a way to avoid feelings and emotions, because I'm just too busy getting crap done.

• 34:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, that's me.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and so what I would love for you to do is to have this list of things we need to talk about, and I would love for you to sit down with a licensed therapist and talk through, what do each one of these things mean to me? Why is this an important thing?

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  Why does this matter to me? What do I think this is gonna, how this is gonna be healed inside of a marriage? Like, getting to the why underneath the list.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  Otherwise, your husband may get out, and he fall, you hand him this list, and he checks every box, and it's not gonna ever, quote-unquote, feel like you thought it was gonna feel, because it was never the issue. The issue was the connectivity underneath it.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. That makes sense, and I'd love to talk to somebody, we, I was, before our insurance, everything changed and.

• 35:47Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. All right, I got you hooked up for at least three months. Uh, hang on the line here, we'll get you taken care of. I want you to be very focused on, A, loving those kids and take, making sure those kids are well, whole, and that they know they are crazy loved by their mom. And, um, I want you to spend a year in service to Laura so that you can be a sturdy anchored mom, you can be a sturdy anchored wife, you can be a sturdy anchored partner to rebuild a marriage, literally from, like, the foundation's been jackhammered, you're building it from the dirt up, right? You're starting with a survey, and go from there. Is that cool?

• 36:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, and with kids, that feels hard, just because when you're dating, you know, well, I guess not everybody, but you, you don't have kids together usually.

• 36:36Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  And that complicates, you know, you can't just relearn slowly, and.

• 36:40Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the deal, Laura.

• 36:41Speaker 02

  Everything's changed. They grow so much, he's not even gonna.

• 36:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  Know them, you know?

• 36:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, but they're gonna get a whole new dad. He's gone a year, he's like he's being deployed.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  And so he's, they're gonna get a whole new human being, like, literally, the thing he signed up for is a non-clinical rewiring of his brain, as you said. That means we're gonna send out a different human. Not a, not just a sober one, but a completely different, which, whatever, that's what he signed up for, good, good on him. The, yes, there will be, let me say it this way, every path you have ahead of you is hard. Being a single mom, hard. Rebuilding a marriage with someone who's caused a lot of damage to you, to relationships, to finances, to himself, very hard. Being a single mom for a year, hard.

• 37:34Dr. John Delony?

  All the paths are hard, so choose the hard path. Going to therapy, hard. Being honest with a therapist after having to, like, cover your tracks for so many years because you were with an unsafe partner, hard. All of this will be hard. Choose the hard paths, they're gonna get you where you want to be on the other side of it.

• 37:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:52Dr. John Delony?

  And deep honesty, finally being honest, finally being vulnerable, finally getting to the thing beneath the things, the whys under the lists.

• 38:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's it. Our marriage has been numbed, you know, covered up.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  There's past hurts and things from him, and, you know, it's not, not been fully real, I feel like.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. And so let's spend this, this year trafficking in one thing, in reality. Okay? I'm gonna send you, Building an Unanxious Life is a book I wrote two years ago, um, I'm gonna send you a copy of that as a gift. Also, I want you to read it all the way through. It will not be a substitute for therapy, you need to go sit with somebody, you've been through hell. You've lived through hell, and you've got a, you're in another layer of hell right now. And so this won't be a substitute, but it will give you a path. And maybe the choices that I outline in that book that people can make, it may be a path that you can take into a therapist and say, I want to get here, I'm not there yet, but I want to get here. So hang on the line here, we'll hook you up with, uh, my friends at BetterHelp, and get you to start seeing somebody within 24, 48 hours, and I'll send you that book.

• 39:00Dr. John Delony?

  Um, let's spend this next year working on serving you, Laura, finally. Thank you for the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to help her daughter see her boyfriend's red flags without damaging their relationship. We'll be right back.

• 39:18Dr. John Delony?

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• 39:58Dr. John Delony?

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• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  That's cozylearth.com/deloney.

• 40:47Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Laura. Hey Laura, what's up?

• 40:53Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh, it's a little surreal. Um, I'll just jump right in with my question.

• 40:57Dr. John Delony?

  Go for it.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  So how do my husband and I protect our relationship with our 22-year-old daughter? And at the same time, help her see red flags in the young man she wants to marry?

• 41:06Dr. John Delony?

  Oh no.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  And that we feel like he's not ready to be married and he may never be.

• 41:13Dr. John Delony?

  That's a tough one. Well, you know what? It's only, it depends on the red flags. There's some big, bright red flags that are pretty easy. There's some more challenging ones that you may have discovered. So tell me the story.

• 41:27Speaker 03

  Well, when they got serious, we kinda wanted to kick him to the curb. Um, but instead, because we love her and on the chance that-

• 41:34Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about, tell me about why you don't like this kid.

• 41:38Speaker 03

  He's irresponsible. He's not a good leader.

• 41:43Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean? What does that mean?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Um, when they're, when she's out with him, he lives about 25 minutes away. He sends her home at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning on the highways with the drunk drivers. And, um, he doesn't seem to think that it's his job to protect her in that.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  And to say, to be an adult and say, hey, we've got work tomorrow, head on home.

• 42:10Dr. John Delony?

  There is that.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  While it's still safe to do so.

• 42:12Dr. John Delony?

  But also, what about the agency of your 22-year-old daughter?

• 42:16Speaker 03

  Yes, and we've talked to her about it too. And we're not making much progress there either.

• 42:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, it sounds like you're asking your husband to be her babysitter.

• 42:29Dr. John Delony?

  I, I get what you're, I get what you're saying, but it sounds to me like your real problem's with your daughter and the choices she's making and you're mad that there's not a, like a surrogate parent out there keeping her in line.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Okay, that's a very fair assessment.

• 42:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I would want the same for my daughter. I don't, I would, well, actually, you know what? I, I'm, I'm thinking about this in real time here, so it's a great question. I don't know that I want my daughter marrying somebody who's gonna tell her where she needs to be at what time, like, who's gonna be that controlling, you know what I mean?

• 43:00Speaker 03

  Okay, yes, it can go too far, for sure.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  But I also want somebody to say, I love you enough to see you're about to put yourself in danger and I'm stepping in. I want that person, right?

• 43:09Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:09Dr. John Delony?

  So I, I guess there's a balance, but, so whilst, so words like, and I'm, I'm exposing my bias here. Words like leader, words like spiritual leader, words, words like protect. I, they be, they're this amorphous thing that people often throw around when, I just don't like you. And so I always wanna challenge folks to specifically, what are you asking for when you say be a leader or be a protector? Uh, what does that, what does that mean? Or is it like, dude, I just don't like this guy. He's schmarmy, he doesn't show up for her, he sends her home, makes her Uber home from his house, stuff like that. He's not a, he's not a Texas gentleman, as he should be, right?

• 43:51Speaker 03

  Correct. I mean, it boils down to that. He's not a Texas gentleman. But he's, you know, he's a well-mannered young man. He comes over, he's polite, he's respectful, he's helpful.

• 44:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 44:02Speaker 03

  So, but I just, uh, he is not a leader in any aspect of his life. He's kind of wrapped up with his family slash roommates, um, who are taking advantage of him. And, um,

• 44:17Speaker 03

  it, it lends itself into financial instability as well. I just don't see leadership in any area of his life.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  So my husband started meeting with him when they got serious. Um, just to get to know him and then try to kind of be an example for him.

• 44:37Dr. John Delony?

  What did that look like?

• 44:38Speaker 03

  And he's, um, so they meet once or twice a week, I'm sorry, once or twice a month, and they, um, just meet over lunch and talk about life and his goals and-

• 44:48Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, good on your husband, dude, that's right. And good on this young man for showing up to that. That's fantastic.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  Yes, and he's very appreciative of it. He's, you know, he didn't grow up with stability. He said, you know, thank you for just being a masculine role model for me. And, you know, he doesn't, he doesn't feel like he can ask his dad about relationships or money because his dad is not capable of having those discussions. So it's been, uh, well, we thought it was being productive, but he hasn't made any progress toward growth in any of those areas, like-

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  So what is, what is prog, give me some specifics. When you say progress and growth, what are you looking for?

• 45:22Speaker 03

  Um, he doesn't own a car. And so he's dependent on one of his roommates to drive him to work. And he can't leave a bad roommate situation because he doesn't have a car. And it's been nine months and he still doesn't have a car.

• 45:34Dr. John Delony?

  Has he signed a lease? And he's actually being a man of character and not bailing on his financial responsibilities? And he's, he signed himself into a bad lease as a 22-year-old, which we, I did? And he's gonna pay the piper here and then at 23, he's gonna be able to get out and start running real fast?

• 45:49Speaker 03

  Yes and no. Um, so he's not actually on the lease. He's just a, you know, like a resident there. He's an approved guest.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  Um, but also, yes, that is part of why he doesn't wanna move out, except that he just re-upped the lease three months ago.

• 46:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 46:04Speaker 03

  Um, because he tells us he feels like if he leaves, he's pushing his family down in order to improve himself.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  Which is the nightmare that I've met with young people my entire career who've, who feel that, who are graduating college and they're like, I feel like I've lost my family. Cause they won't talk to me anymore. Or they call me, ooh, smarty pants, or now everybody's asking me for money. I don't even have a first job yet and everybody's asking me for money because you're the college grad. Like, yeah, I've, I've seen that my whole career.

• 46:34Speaker 03

  Right. So we've kind of warned our daughter about that, you know? Hey, if this is the relationship he has with his family now, and he's not able to change the relationship where he's covering their rent and doing things like that, that continues on your whole life. Someone from his family will always call him and say, hey, man, I need 300 bucks.

• 46:55Dr. John Delony?

  And what does your daughter say?

• 46:58Speaker 03

  Um, she buys his excuses, like that there's, well, it just can't change because he's my brother or, um, you know, I don't, I don't know what else to do. If I, if I don't give him the money, we'll all get evicted, which is valid. But she doesn't see it for the red flag that we see it as, that, you know, hey, this is, this is, could be troublesome for a long marriage.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  So it, it could be. Um, and, and I guess I, I'm playing devil's advocate on purpose, okay? Um, and so I'm, I'm, I'm more aligned with you than I sound like I am. But I'm playing devil's advocate on purpose because there's another side of the story where that's like, that guy believes in one thing and that's family.

• 47:48Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that can actually cost him everything, cause that's where you get yourself in trouble. If you have family members asking you to do illegal things or unsafe things, or you don't develop over time a backbone or the muscle to say no, that's hard, right? And if you grew up with unstable parents and all you have is your brother and sister and three cousins, and they're not at the top of their game, the, the thought of losing them too feels catastrophic, way less of a big deal than 500 bucks. And so there's something to be said for the, the soil that is, that that guy's seeds have been planted in, is pretty amazing.

• 48:31Dr. John Delony?

  It's just, it's just gonna be a tough road, like a tough road to hoe there, right? I, I'm concerned that-

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, your original question, how do I help my daughter see red flags without damaging my relationship to her? Tell me about that question.

• 48:54Speaker 03

  Well, so my husband's been meeting with him at least nine months now, and we're not seeing, he's still overdrawing his account every month and doing, you know, things like that. And so we made him an offer, hey, you can move into our house, rent-free. We will help you with a budget. We will help you get the stability he says he wants. It's an advantage that our children had that he has not had. And we made that offer and said, okay, so what's your plan? How do you tell your roommates? How do you tell, you know, and how do you solve the problem? They had another roommate move in recently, so theoretically

• 49:33Speaker 03

  his rent can be covered, but that roommate's not paying rent. And so, you know, when do you move in with us and start to solve this problem? And it's emotional baggage holding him back from what he says he knows is a good opportunity. And so, if he's going to spend a lifetime choosing his birth family over my daughter, I don't want that for her.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  I get that. And also, he's 22.

• 50:09Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  He's a, I don't know who you were at 22. I was not-

• 50:13Speaker 03

  I was a mess.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I was not a good decision-maker at 22.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  I can't fathom wrapping my head around my father-in-law letting me marry his daughter when I was 24. I can't even, I can't even imagine that now. Now that I have my own daughter. And so, projecting out, I don't like him, or he's not, I'm being provocative here, but I'm hearing a lot of, he won't do what I say. And taking that frustration, that I can't get him to do whatever I want him to do, and the way I want to do it, and he needs to lead like I want him to lead, and grow like I want him to grow, and projecting that out over 70 years of his life, that's a, that's a far stretch.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 51:00Dr. John Delony?

  You, you are right. He might be a guy who's over-dedicated to his family forever, and him and your daughter need to have that conversation. What does value, what does our values look like? Are we gonna be homeless? Are we always gonna have one of your family members living with us? Is that gonna be our, our future? And quite honestly, if that's the future your daughter wants, that's the future your daughter's gonna take.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:22Dr. John Delony?

  And, I mean, unless she's in her twenties, it's gonna, you're gonna say, you're not allowed to marry him, and she's gonna say, okay, Mom. Like, I, I think-

• 51:33Speaker 03

  I don't see that happening.

• 51:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right. It just feels like there's a lot of projection here. How much of this is, he's not the person I had pictured for my daughter? Like, when I thought about her getting married, this wasn't, he didn't look like this guy?

• 51:47Speaker 03

  Sure, yes. Yeah, that could, that could play a large part in it, yes. We've known him a really long time. Like I said, he's a nice kid, but I wouldn't put the two of them together.

• 52:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  In part, I think because she's a very emotional person, and he's also a very emotional person, and somebody has to be the stable one that writes the check for the rent. You know what I mean? Like-

• 52:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but sometimes you have, sometimes you have to learn. And it doesn't sound like you've given your daughter specifically, but it sounds like him too. Like, you keep going into the weight room and taking all the weights off the bar and saying, I'll lift it. Instead of them having, like, there's, there's a significant amount of strength that is gained when you spend all of your money going to concerts and hanging out with buddies, and you don't have rent money. I've been there.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 52:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  Like, that panic of, I don't know how I'm gonna eat. And then you realize, I'm never doing that again. Oh, man, that means I have to do this thing called say no, which I've never had to do.

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  I've never had to be stranded before. I've never had to sleep in a stranger's house, because there was no such thing as Uber when I was a kid. Right? And I didn't have a ride, and I didn't have a cellphone. Like-

• 53:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:13Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm, like, you get what I'm saying?

• 53:16Speaker 03

  Can he learn that lesson before he marries my daughter?

• 53:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, that's what I would hope for, right? Yeah, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want your daughter to be the guinea pig here. I don't want her to, but it sounds like she's gotta learn this stuff, too. When are they talking about getting married?

• 53:30Speaker 03

  Um, I think they'd like, within the next 15 months or so.

• 53:35Dr. John Delony?

  And would she move into this house, or would they get their own apartment?

• 53:40Speaker 03

  Um, theoretically, they would get their own apartment, but from what, that is one concern of hers, is like, do we just, like, move in with them? Like, how do, you know, because he's not interested in leaving. Or he didn't think he could leave.

• 53:55Dr. John Delony?

  Even after he was married?

• 53:56Speaker 03

  Then we made him an offer that he could leave, right? I, I don't know. A lot of the things don't make sense to us.

• 54:04Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but they're 22. Nothing makes sense, as a 45-year-old, when you're talking to a 22-year-old. Nothing makes sense.

• 54:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 54:11Dr. John Delony?

  That's the beauty of being 22. You know what I mean?

• 54:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes.

• 54:16Dr. John Delony?

  And it's the frustration of being 45. I guess I'm trying to get to the bottom of what, what do you want? Because, I'll say it this way, I, I've just worked with young people and their families my whole career. Your daughter's gotta always know you're in her corner, even if you disagree with her.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 54:35Dr. John Delony?

  Otherwise, you're gonna lose her.

• 54:37Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to be able to have the connectivity in a relationship where you can say, I think this is a terrible mistake, and I'm gonna be right here next to you. Or, and, right here next to you doesn't mean I'm going to fund everything, I'm gonna support you, fund, I'm gonna make my own, have my own rules and my own values. Or, you and your husband are gonna say, you walk out that door, we close the door and we lock it, and y'all are willing to sever that relationship. Y'all get to decide that, but y'all gotta live with the consequences all the way around.

• 55:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  And some of it may just be scratching and clawing at 23, 24, 25 years old, as three knuckle-headed, I mean, as young, as a young married couple trying to figure their life out. And y'all are like, yeah, we told you. Or if y'all wanna come over to the house and do a budget, we'll help you with your rent, right? Like, y'all get to make those kind of stipulations. But hopefully, you have a relationship, and it sounds like you actually have a good relationship with your daughter. Is that fair?

• 55:31Speaker 03

  Yes, we do.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  The fact that your husband asked this guy to go hang out, and he did, that blows my mind. That's amazing. I wish every dad would do that. But-

• 55:39Speaker 03

  So how do we, how do we like this kid, and how do we tell him we like him?

• 55:46Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know this kid. I don't know. I don't know y'all, too. You sound pretty judgy to me, so I think it's gonna be hard. I think it's gonna be hard.

• 55:53Speaker 03

  Okay, fair enough.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  But I, if, here, I'm painting you a picture, you don't have to do any of this. But there's something to be said for inviting him and your daughter over, and just saying, this is gonna be a different conversation than we've ever had. And go get an old set of blueprints from the library, which, if you're young, listening to this, they used to have books in a, in a building, you could check them out for free, or just show them a picture of a, of a blueprint on a iPad, and say, I've come to realize I had a blueprint of how my daughter's life was gonna go, and I was trying to make her life my life, and I was wrong. I'm sorry to both of you. And you can look at your daughter and say, I

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  have dreams for you, but my dreams for you are not about, you need to look a certain way, and act a certain way, and drive a certain car. My dreams for you is, I want you to walk home and be so safe, and so in love, and so warm, and protected, and whatever, in a marriage, and I want you to have equal voice, and equal whatever. And I want you to look at this young man and say the same thing, and say, so, we disagree with some of the choices you make. And you can look at him, because y'all have had this conversation, and say, I think what you're doing right now is ridiculous. And also, I wouldn't move in with me either, right now.

• 57:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 57:11Dr. John Delony?

  And that's just you, that's you walking in and taking all the bullets out of the gun, taking all the ammunition away, and just saying, we haven't done this the right way. I'm not gonna be in full agreement with things I don't agree on. I'm not gonna go along with things that violate my values. But, daughter, you need to know, ride or die, we'll always be on your team, even if that means saying, we think this is not a good idea, but we're still gonna be right here. Or, young man, like, we think what's happening is unwise, we're worried about our daughter's future, but also-

• 57:46Dr. John Delony?

  We don't lie to him. If you don't like him, don't like him. And we don't think you're right for our daughter, but we understand that she likes you. And so we're gonna, if she marries you, we're gonna be on your team also. The best of our abilities. Cause what's the other option? The other option is cut him off. And I've talked to too many parents who cut kids off for any number of reasons over the years. And the hole in their, middle of their chest is insurmountable. It's wild. How many sobbing parents I've talked to saying, I wish I could have that one conversation back, or that first conversation back, or that cutoff conversation back. I wish, I wish, I wish. So, hey, there's no easy path here, Laura. This is hard. It's all tricky. It's all messy.

• 58:27Dr. John Delony?

  But there's something to be said for looking at your young adult daughter and saying, I've tried to run your life for too long, and you're 22. Here's some, here's some things I wish for you. And here's some things I will support you on. And here's some things where I'm gonna let you, you're gonna have to be on your own on this one. If this is the decision you're gonna make, you're gonna be on your own on this one. But my front door is always open. And now it's time for us to let you fly. I'm not gonna let you fly into the middle of a jet engine, but we're gonna let you fly. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. When it comes to supplements, there's one main company that I trust. Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago.

• 59:09Dr. John Delony?

  And Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family. You probably don't know this, but supplements are an unregulated industry. Largely unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage and nonsense and false promises. Most companies cut corners. They even lie on their labels about what's inside the actual capsule or pill or gummy that you're taking. Thorne doesn't do that. Thorne makes every product at their world-class facility in South Carolina. 35% of Thorne's employees work in quality control. And Thorne rejects up to 15% of raw materials because good enough is not how Thorne rolls. Thorne rolls with perfection.

• 59:52Dr. John Delony?

  It's why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorne. And that's why I trust them too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Stop filling your body with nonsense that it doesn't need or want. Go to thorne.com slash the letter U slash Deloney and get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's T-H-O-R-N-E, thorne.com slash the letter U slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, something awesome happened. Besides your full denim romper, what is it?

• 1:00:25Speaker 04

  It's not a romper, it's a dress.

• 1:00:27Dr. John Delony?

  What's a romper? What's the difference?

• 1:00:28Speaker 04

  A romper is like a jumpsuit.

• 1:00:31Dr. John Delony?

  Literally, your pants are connected to your shirt right now. What's that?

• 1:00:34Speaker 04

  That's a dress. It's not pants. It's a dress. It's a skirt. There's a skirt here. It's a dress. A romper would be like a jumpsuit with pants. That's one piece. Get it figured out, or don't say it.

• 1:00:47Dr. John Delony?

  Just, all right.

• 1:00:48Speaker 04

  Anywho.

• 1:00:49Dr. John Delony?

  Shout out to Full Denim, head to toe. Shout out. That's dope. Go Dallas. No, go Dallas. That's good.

• 1:00:56Speaker 04

  Are you done?

• 1:00:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I'm done.

• 1:00:59Speaker 04

  Thank you. All right. I have, this is from MJ in Philadelphia.

• 1:01:04Dr. John Delony?

  Michael Jordan, he's an avid listener of the show.

• 1:01:06Speaker 04

  Um, I think this is a she.

• 1:01:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, never mind.

• 1:01:08Speaker 04

  And she's in Philadelphia, and I'm sorry that you live in Philadelphia, but...

• 1:01:12Dr. John Delony?

  Go Birds. Uh, for those of you listening, Kelly just went full catatonic. The Eagle, the Eagles are the number one rival to the Dallas Cowboys.

• 1:01:26Speaker 04

  I loathe the Eagles.

• 1:01:29Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  Anyway, all right. Not a question, but a thank you. I'm a mom of two boys, two and under. We just passed our third wedding anniversary. I work full-time and my husband works full-time away from home, meaning he doesn't come home at night, and he's often in a different time zone. In our current season, he's working 20-plus days out of the month, out of town. So I'm doing almost everything solo. It can get pretty lonely, and I often feel disconnected from my husband. Your show keeps me company, and when the kiddos are asleep and the dishes are piled high, or when my husband is busy at work and I go all day without talking to any adults. We will often listen to your episodes separately, and then he'll listen, so he'll listen during his marathon trainers, when he's training for marathons. They will debrief together as an easy conversation topic or a door to talk about our own marriage.

• 1:02:14Speaker 04

  We've weathered some pretty long work trips together, better than we could have without your show to keep us connected. So thank you to Kelly and John and the team for keeping me company when the days are long.

• 1:02:23Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you, MJ. I appreciate that. And by the way, uh, I've heard that recently, um, and I actually love it. Where couples will listen to the show separately, and they'll talk about what they disagree, like vehemently with what I said. But they end up coming closer together because they disagree with me. I love that too. That's great. That's awesome.

• 1:02:43Speaker 04

  Look at you, bringing people together by being wrong.

• 1:02:44Dr. John Delony?

  By being wrong. It's one of my, it's one of my specialties. Hey, love you guys. Thank y'all for listening to the show. We'll see y'all soon.