BITESIZE | A Monk’s Guide To Finding Happiness & Cultivating Inner Peace | Haemin Sunim #595

What if the key to happiness and fulfilment was not changing our external circumstances but learning to appreciate and understand our inner world? Feel Better Live More Bitesize is my weekly podcast for your mind, body, and heart. Each week I’ll be featuring inspirational stories and practical tips from some of my former guests. Today's clip is from episode 476 of the podcast with Buddhist monk and author Haemin Sunim. Haemin is a Zen Buddhist teacher and the author of two Sunday Times bestselling books, including his very latest, the beautiful: ‘When Things Don’t Go Your Way: Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times.’ In this clip, he shares some of his tips and practical insights for a better life. This was a beautiful conversation, full of deep and practical insights that I’m sure will help you find greater peace, purpose and contentment. Thanks to our sponsor ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://drinkag1.com/livemore⁠ Show notes and the full podcast are available at drchatterjee.com/476 Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts ⁠⁠https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore⁠⁠ For other podcast platforms go to ⁠⁠https://fblm.supercast.com. DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Rangan Chatterjee?

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• 0:41Rangan Chatterjee?

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• 1:20Rangan Chatterjee?

  See all details at drinkag1.com/livemore. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 476 of the podcast with Buddhist monk, Hye Min Soonim. Hye Min is a Zen Buddhist teacher and the author of two Sunday Times bestselling books, including the beautiful "When Things Don't Go Your Way: Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times". In this clip, he shares some of his top tips and practical insights to live a better life.

• 2:07Rangan Chatterjee?

  You also write in the book about three tips for a better life. The first one of those tips is don't ask what others have said about you.

• 2:19Rangan Chatterjee?

  Great tip. Can you explain why you recommend that?

• 2:26Speaker 01

  When we are young, you know, we tend to think about, we are so concerned about how other peoples are saying things about me. But as we get older and older and we become wiser, that is, they don't really think about me that much, you know, because I don't think about them, you know, that often. Even if I do, it's not for a long period of time. We just tend to just assume that everybody is looking at me and judging me and think about how, you know, my clothing is not good or the way I talk is not good or whatever. But that's not true, you know.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Essentially, you know, we really do not know about other people other than our own experience. So what happened is that when we try to understand other people, we bring our own experience onto that. So when peoples are talking about, you know, me, they are essentially talking about themselves. Because that particular part, you know, what they have witnessed, it resonate with them, you know, their own experience. And thereby, they want to talk about that particular aspect of you. So although it sounds as though they are talking about them,

• 3:54Speaker 01

  you know, it often, if you actually listen, they are talking about themselves. So I, rather than, you know, caring so much about what other peoples are saying about you, just get in touch with your own intention. You know, first, in Buddhism, we call...

• 4:13Speaker 01

  The beginner's mind. Remember why you got into this profession. You know, why you are doing things, um, you know, in the first place. Because as you are, uh, working, I'm sure there will be a lot of criticism. A lot of people will say, uh, this is not right and that is not right. But in so far as, you know, helping others, you know, serving other people. I'm sure that's where the meaning of our lives arise. So if you can just get in touch with that. I am doing things to help other people. And certainly there will be other people's, uh, may, um, you know, misconstrue.

• 4:57Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. Uh, however, um, you know, insofar as your intention is still pure. Then I think you can just continue to do your work.

• 5:08Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, what I really like about that tip, because it really, really resonated. And I think the reason is, in the past, I very much would have wanted to know what other people were saying about me. If I heard something at work or something, I'd want, well, who said what? You know, who said that? Did they understand this? And until I read that yesterday in your book, I hadn't realized how much that had changed for me. When it's this idea, isn't it? That what other people think of you is none of your business. They're entitled to think whatever they want to. And I think the key for that is not don't care about what others have said about you. You say, don't even ask, right? I love that. Don't even ask.

• 5:52Rangan Chatterjee?

  You don't even need to know. Why do you need to know? I reckon there's so many people will be listening to that will go, I always want to know what people are saying. Who said what? But how does that even help you? It just gets you dragged down into this negative mindset. You've just got to act as much as you can in accordance with your values. And if you do that, how will the people interpret it? It's kind of up to them, isn't it?

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Right, and we have no control over how other people, you know, think of us. You know, what they are saying about us. We have no control.

• 6:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  Well, that speaks to the third one there, three tips for a better life. I've just mentioned the first one. The third one in those three is let go of things outside your control. Why is that so important for people?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  I think we assume that somehow we can control other people's, you know, how they think.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Especially, you know, how they think about ourselves, but we cannot. Simply recognizing the impossibility of controlling other people's.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  That frees us from all the psychological, you know, stress and struggle that we are feeling.

• 7:05Rangan Chatterjee?

  In English, we have a term called people pleasing. And I think that very much speaks to this idea, you know, we. I think the underlying energy behind people pleasing is often.

• 7:22Rangan Chatterjee?

  I'm trying to control what other people think of me. I'm trying to behave in certain ways so that people like me, they. They accept me and, you know, we have a desire as humans for that connection. We want other people to like us, but I guess people pleasers or excessive people pleasers. Actually, it is a form of control. You're trying to control what other people think of you. And it comes at a huge cost because you're no longer being yourself in order to be liked by others.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Right, and you are neglecting your own needs, your own, you know, desire at the same time. So I would say that rather than trying to earn other people's.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  You know, positive opinions of you. You know, see if you can first become a valid validator, you know.

• 8:15Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  We look for outside, you know, validations. And however, if you can just be your own validator, that is to, you know, write it down, all the wonderful things that you have done, you know, for the last, I don't know, like, you know, several years, then actually celebrate your own achievement.

• 8:37Rangan Chatterjee?

  So that sounds like another practical tip for people, right? Because we are living in a time when many people are struggling with happiness. They're struggling with their moods. They're struggling with the state of the world. As you say, things outside their control a lot of the time. And we mentioned quite a few practical things that people can do, but this one sounds like a new one. It's, it's kind of like gratitude, but it's gratitude for yourself. Is that a fair way to describe it?

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Yes, and celebrate your own achievement. We tend to just downgrade, you know, what we have done. And, you know, imagining that, oh, this was nothing, you know, like of being just humble or just we took it for granted. However, if we can say, hey, you know, let's imagine myself, you know, five years ago or 10 years ago. You know, if I, you know, had known that I would have achieved this amount of, you know, things for the next 10 years, then I'm sure my younger self wouldn't have believed, you know, what I said.

• 9:40Rangan Chatterjee?

  So that could be something we text ourselves each day as well, couldn't it? We could send ourselves a message. So when we're feeling down or we feel that we're worthless and we've got nothing to contribute, actually, you can look at that list and go, oh, I made sure my friend was okay when he was struggling. I went around and brought my neighbor some shopping when they broke their leg and they couldn't get out. You know, and whatever it might be, you just, you're putting those deposits in the bank of saying, no, I am someone who's worthy. I am someone who actually is contributing to this world. I've seen so many patients over the years who really, really struggle with their mood, with things like depression and anxiety. And a lot of the time.

• 10:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  They've become really me-focused. They're stuck in their own heads.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:29Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah. Could maybe speak to that?

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Yes. You know, when we think less about ourselves, that's when we become happier. Yeah. That's another important, you know, lessons, I think. You know, if we are trying very hard to make ourselves happy, then there is no guarantee that we will be happy. However, if you are making other people happy, then there is, you know, you'll be sure to be happier. This is like, you know, beautiful Buddhist teaching by Shanti Deva. And I think we should, you know, remember that just by trying to make myself happy,

• 11:15Speaker 01

  we think this is going to bring me happiness. Yes, it is important to do self-care, but at the same time, we also have to remember we live in this interconnected web of reality. So when my, you know, child or my mother, you know, my wife is happy, then of course it's going to influence my own happiness.

• 11:41Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  And if, you know, I do volunteer work, you know, for the homeless people in Korea, you know, when I do that, there's a feeling of, you know, meaning in my life, you know, when I do that. It generally becomes a lot happier after two, three hours of, you know, volunteer work. So connection is another key ingredient for happiness. When we feel connected to nature, when we feel connected to another human being, that's when we feel happy.

• 12:14Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah. I know for me, sometimes if I'm not having the best day and I go to the local supermarket.

• 12:24Rangan Chatterjee?

  I could feel amazing afterwards. I'm a very chatty person. So if I'm at the supermarket, I'll be chatting to the people who work there and the cashier and things. And it's amazing, just five minutes of interaction with people who you don't know well. Right? They're not like your close friends or your family, but you might see them from time to time. On the way walking home or on the way up to my car in the car park.

• 12:51Rangan Chatterjee?

  I feel like I've had this real boost to feel good. And, and that's how simple

• 12:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  improving our mental wellbeing can be from time to time, can't it? You can't do it if you're stuck at home in your own head, just scrolling the lives of other people on social media. You have to get in the real world and interact with someone else, no matter how small. It is incredible what kind of impact that has on our, you know, on the way that we feel, isn't it?

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yes, it will get you out of your own, you know, self obsessive, you know, thinking mind. As we move away from me, me, me, me, and then actually pay attention to people around us. And making those micro connections here and there. This will just remind us how connected we are to the world. And when we feel the connection, we become happier.

• 13:45Rangan Chatterjee?

  You mentioned, I think, a really key point, which is we're looking for that sweet spot. We're not looking to neglect our own needs and do everything for everyone else at the expense of ourself. Nor are we trying to go to the other extreme where everything is me focused. I don't care about anyone else as long as I'm meditating and I'm walking and I am doing what I need to do for me. And I think that is a, a sweet spot that many people struggle to find. Do you have any tips on how they can get the right balance between self-care and doing things for others?

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Um, again, you know, I will check with my body.

• 14:25Rangan Chatterjee?

  Okay.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. When I feel extremely tired, you know, helping other people, then it is time for me to take care of my, you know, body, myself. So it's important to.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Just turning in and, you know, feel how your body is feeling at that moment.

• 14:45Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah, that speaks to me about the importance of solitude. And solitude is something I talk a lot about and I write a lot about. Because I feel very strongly that in this modern 21st century world, where many, most people feel chronically stressed and overloaded, and they don't feel they have time to do all the things that they want to do for themselves. I feel that a daily practice of solitude is probably the most valuable thing they can invest in. Because it's, it's that time by yourself, whether it's to do a body scan or to write down three things you're grateful for, whatever it might be.

• 15:27Rangan Chatterjee?

  It's time where you can actually nourish yourself and actually reflect on your life and know if you have to make changes or not. Now, you write about solitude in this new book. And you specifically say this, "One who knows how to enjoy time by themselves without depending on others is a free person. Having a lot of time does not, in and of itself, make a person free." So can you speak to that? Can you speak to the importance of solitude and why so many people struggle to be okay just with themselves? And why it's so important that we cultivate that skill?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  I often go out to my local park and without bringing my cellphone.

• 16:16Rangan Chatterjee?

  Yeah.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  You know, just giving myself maybe 30 minutes or, you know, one hour just alone, you know, without being constantly connected to, you know, other people. This gives us a sense of, you know, peace and also, you know, connection to nature. And as we are feeling, you know, nature and also, you know, how my body is feeling and then witnessing beauty of nature, the sound of birds, you know, the trees and flowers and all of that. It kind of restore our sense of balance, you know, it restore.

• 16:55Speaker 01

  What it means to be me.

• 16:58Rangan Chatterjee?

  Is that the nature doing it? Or is it the time alone? Or is it both?

• 17:03Speaker 01

  I think it's both. You know, they have such a powerful restorative, you know, power. Just being alone, but at the same time, out in nature. Oftentimes, we think about something and this stressed us out. However, if we are outside, it feels like, you know, like your thought is still there, but it's like, you know, little, you feel like in this great context of amazing nature. It's just a little thing. As opposed to if you're sitting in front of your desk, in front of your computer, and just ruminating about this, you know, stressful event that you have to think about,

• 17:45Speaker 01

  then it feels like that is a huge, you know, something that you cannot overcome. So I think it's very important that we can just spend some time alone in nature.

• 17:59Rangan Chatterjee?

  You've been a practicing Buddhist monk for over two decades, I think 25 years.

• 18:07Rangan Chatterjee?

  Are there some common practices that you recommend time and time again to people? Like practices that have stood the test of time and always make a difference, no matter whether someone lives in Korea, the UK, or America? And if so, what are they?

• 18:22Speaker 01

  In my new book, I talk about the importance of having your own sacred space. You know, you might be living in a huge city, like in London, or Manchester, or New York. But if you can find little corner, like little nook, you know, of your, I don't know, favorite bookshop, or coffee shop, or on the tree, your favorite tree in a, you know, public park, or church, or mosque, or, you know, temple. Somewhere you feel like relaxed and can enjoy the moment.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Or in front of your favorite painting in your local museum. If you can just find those spots and go there again and again.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  And that place becomes your sacred space. So although the city that you live, you may feel this is kind of impersonal and overwhelming. But by having those sacred space, personalize your daily experience and you actually enjoy being alone in that space.

• 19:39Rangan Chatterjee?

  Is it important that that space is outside the place where you live? Or could it be a particular room in your house or your apartment? Because just trying to broaden it out, if someone feels that they can't get out, can you also get that relaxation and restoration in your place of residence?

• 20:00Speaker 01

  I think it's possible. You just create in a special corner. If you are a meditator, for example, you can just make it one corner in your room and this is where I'm going to sit and meditate. But at the same time, I think it's nice to have somewhere, not exactly your workspace, but also not exactly your home. Somewhere in between and where you can go and just be yourself and just relax. This can be another thing we can all do.

• 20:39Rangan Chatterjee?

  Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family. And if you want more, why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest? If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my Bite-Sized Friday email. It's called The Friday Five. And each week I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity, articles of books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across and so much more. I really think you're gonna love it. The goal is for it to be a small, yet powerful dose of feel-good to get you ready for the weekend.

• 21:21Rangan Chatterjee?

  You can sign up for it free of charge at drchattie.com/fridayfive.

• 21:28Rangan Chatterjee?

  I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make sure you have pressed subscribe and I'll be back next week with my long form conversation on Wednesday and the latest episode of Bites Science next Friday.