Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See James Live @ https://www.jdfmccann.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Nate Live in ATL @ https://atlanta.heliumcomedy.com/shows/328915 Go See Optimum Noctis on TUESDAY @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimumnoctis yo0oo0o0. Hope everyone is having a good week. We got just the D. A. W. G. Z. fot the first half and Jimbo for the second half. Check out his NEW spesh Sept1 'Black Israelite' on his YouTube and go see him live. Also wish Lemaire a Happy belated Bday!!!!! Please enjoy. God Bless. Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  Let's, let's keep an eye on my, uh, my balls this time.

• 0:06Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the blur is so much fun.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  The blur made it worse.

• 0:08Matt McCusker?

  The blur is so.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  You did that on purpose.

• 0:10Matt McCusker?

  No, I didn't.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  You could've used a black blur.

• 0:13Matt McCusker?

  Black box would've been nice.

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Black box would've been great.

• 0:15Matt McCusker?

  Blur was crazy.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  You used a fleshy blur. It looked like my, I had so many people, my friends text me like, was your dick and nuts really out?

• 0:21Speaker 03

  I'm really sorry about that.

• 0:23Matt McCusker?

  Sean, you reveled in it. You reveled in it.

• 0:25Speaker 03

  No, I didn't.

• 0:26Matt McCusker?

  The blur for real.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  He was texting me like, he was like, really sorry. I was like, dude, I swear to God, I don't care.

• 0:31Matt McCusker?

  What did you, what did you catch? Like, you caught, you caught like slut cleavage?

• 0:35Speaker 01

  No, I was wearing compression.

• 0:35Matt McCusker?

  You got like slut cleavage, I think. I think you got a little bit of butchy.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  It was like upper thigh fat. That's like, uh, that's a devastating fat. Yeah.

• 0:42Matt McCusker?

  It's white. And it was white.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  Very white. It has not seen the sun.

• 0:46Matt McCusker?

  I, I was getting in the shower recently and my wife was last, laughing at my white ass and she goes, I'm gonna take a picture and send it to Shane. I was like, his ass is the same as mine. I was just like, he's just gonna, yeah, it looks just like my ass. So it's so funny.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  How'd you get a picture of my ass?

• 1:04Matt McCusker?

  I'm like, he's not gonna be like, what the fuck?

• 1:05Speaker 01

  No, I found, I found my ass last night.

• 1:08Matt McCusker?

  Where?

• 1:08Speaker 01

  It was on TV. I was watching, uh, Alien last night. Sigourney Weaver just has my ass for no reason.

• 1:13Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Take a look at Sigourney Weaver's ass in Alien. She's got a full-on pale peasant's ass, dude. Some medieval dynasty ass.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Sigourney Weaver's ass in the movie is.

• 1:26Matt McCusker?

  What year was that?

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Uh, I don't know.

• 1:29Matt McCusker?

  That's when Tiny Heineys ruled.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  She had a, she had the tiniest Heiney.

• 1:32Matt McCusker?

  Can I see your Heiney?

• 1:33Speaker 01

  She's got a man's ass. She's got a nice pale Irish ass.

• 1:37Matt McCusker?

  Yo, what the fuck, dude?

• 1:40Matt McCusker?

  She would die right now if someone saw her ass. I don't think women can survive with an ass like that anymore.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  She looks good in it.

• 1:48Matt McCusker?

  Tiny Heineys?

• 1:48Speaker 01

  They're, out of nowhere at the end of the movie, Sigourney Weaver just gets in.

• 1:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they were.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Underwear and tits out, basically.

• 1:53Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:54Speaker 01

  It's pretty sick.

• 1:54Matt McCusker?

  Oh, in Alien, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like one of the scenes. There was a tits and leprechaun. There was the alien scene, sex scene in Titanic.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Tits and leprechaun was the first time I got in trouble from my parents.

• 2:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that was.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Came into the basement at my friend's house and we had it paused on tits and leprechaun.

• 2:10Matt McCusker?

  That was.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  What the fuck? Is this, I swear to God, it wasn't me.

• 2:13Matt McCusker?

  That was, those movies were the goon boon back in the day.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 2:17Matt McCusker?

  There was no other opportunity, dude, you'd have to like parade.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  Perfectly craft what you, you were like, yo, I heard there's boobs in leprechaun in space. I'm gonna tell my mom I'm gonna rent leprechaun in space. She's not gonna hopefully check.

• 2:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you were like a cargo cult, just waiting on just like the forces of the world to move around you like, oh, they're back. Tits are back now. Music videos were my mainstay.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, you had BT late night.

• 2:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that was, that was big for me.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:45Matt McCusker?

  It was huge.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  But anyway, that's the, the main order of business, which I already told you is, yesterday I had a very important, uh, I had a business meeting. Big Hollywood stuff.

• 2:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  And, uh, I woke up late and I, the, the meeting was delayed about an hour because of how late I was. Not because I was out partying, Matt, but because I was up till.

• 3:06Matt McCusker?

  Working.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Four AM playing medieval dynasty.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  And if you ever played that game, you realize that's a real fucking psychotic move. I was literally chopping trees for six hours.

• 3:18Matt McCusker?

  Gathering sticks. Don't forget about the sticks you gathered.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  I got a lot of sticks. I got a lot of sticks and stones.

• 3:24Matt McCusker?

  That village you showed me, I was fucking.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  The village is astounding.

• 3:27Matt McCusker?

  I was like really preparing myself. You told me about it and I was like, dude, be supportive because I thought you were gonna show me some rinky dink bullshit.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  No.

• 3:33Matt McCusker?

  Bro, that was like, what, a six hut village with a.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 3:36Matt McCusker?

  With a ye olde blacksmithy?

• 3:37Speaker 01

  That would have taken a normal man weeks. Took me one day of just a really pathetic day.

• 3:44Matt McCusker?

  At what cost?

• 3:45Speaker 01

  The cost was I was late for a pretty important meeting that I thought was gonna be like three writers. It ended up being the director and the star of the movie. Waiting for it. It's big. I'm, I don't wanna spill the beans, but it was, I was shocked, dude.

• 3:58Matt McCusker?

  Your eyes were red and puffy.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Bro, I got, I was like, oh, fuck. It was like, you know, when you're like late for school or work or something. I woke up like, oh shit, I slept through my alarm. I just joined the meeting, seeing if they were still there. From my bed in the dark, I joined the meeting.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  And you can black out who it is. It was wow, wow.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  I was like, what's up dude, sorry, I just woke up, sorry to make you wait.

• 4:23Matt McCusker?

  From the darkness?

• 4:23Speaker 01

  From the darkness, they watched me walk into the light.

• 4:26Matt McCusker?

  And your face was definitely like.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  What's up, what's up, dark red, just like, I tried to put on sunglasses, I gotta put on sunglasses, you can't see me this, and I put on sunglasses, I was like, what the fuck am I doing, this is what I look like.

• 4:38Matt McCusker?

  From the medieval dynasty?

• 4:40Speaker 01

  I told him, I explained exactly what I was, I was like, I wasn't out partying. This is from me checking my clock way too late, gaming, I was going, it's probably two, four, I was like, Jesus.

• 4:52Matt McCusker?

  Dude, gathering sticks and, literally sticks and stones.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Literally just chopping, chopping logs, all night, so that my village can start fucking weaving baskets that I run to the town to sell for fucking two dollars, over and over again.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  It's fucked up, it's really fucked up to do that, there's no like reward in the game.

• 5:12Matt McCusker?

  Just, yeah, it's dude, that game rules though.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Game's awesome, I can't wait, I'm gonna hit, I'm gonna hit a nice midnight on it.

• 5:17Matt McCusker?

  Also, Courtney told me you had to court the fucking, your wife.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  I courted my babe every morning.

• 5:20Matt McCusker?

  Pregnant, congrats by the way.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Thank you, she is pregnant, thank you fellas, she said, let's meet back in our room at 7pm and I, oh.

• 5:27Matt McCusker?

  You serious?

• 5:28Speaker 01

  I almost jacked off here, I almost jacked off in reality. Oh, she's such a sweet angel and then I.

• 5:36Matt McCusker?

  What will you name your medieval son?

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Adolf, no, this is my son Adolf, uh, I don't know, Matthew, I'll name him after you.

• 5:47Matt McCusker?

  That'd be, I'd be honored, I'd be honored.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  What happens in medieval dynasty is when you die, you live as your son.

• 5:53Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's, I was saying that, I know that's true.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  You follow your seed.

• 5:56Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta build a dynasty.

• 5:58Matt McCusker?

  Holy shit.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:59Matt McCusker?

  Wait, so when you, you died, I don't wanna put you on blast, when you got attacked by a wolf and died, did you, you didn't come back as your son, how many respawns did you get?

• 6:06Speaker 01

  I came back as myself, you can come back as yourself.

• 6:08Matt McCusker?

  How many times?

• 6:09Speaker 01

  I don't know, if I would've quit there, that might've ended my dynasty, I can't do that.

• 6:13Matt McCusker?

  So if you don't respawn, that's over?

• 6:15Speaker 01

  If, next time, if my son is born, if young Matthew is born.

• 6:18Matt McCusker?

  Oh, then.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Then I'll go, you know what, that wolf got me during the hunt.

• 6:22Matt McCusker?

  Whoa, then you come back when he's of age?

• 6:24Speaker 01

  I come back as my son, yeah.

• 6:25Matt McCusker?

  As a boy or a man?

• 6:26Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm not sure, I haven't gotten that far. I've been chopping logs. I haven't.

• 6:29Matt McCusker?

  True, true. I mean, your son's gonna take it to such.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Got cabbage farm going, carrots.

• 6:35Matt McCusker?

  I saw the apple orchard.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Apple orchard was just built. I mean, this is.

• 6:39Matt McCusker?

  And you had your barley, you had your barley reserves from?

• 6:41Speaker 01

  The barley reserves from the last great, that harvest, which I immediately took to town and sold. Got some clay pots, not a big deal.

• 6:48Matt McCusker?

  Don't talk about the cherry juice.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  Oh, don't you dare bring up the cherry juice. My sweet.

• 6:53Matt McCusker?

  Sorry to bring that up.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  This was a low point. This is like, this was a low point for the village, dude. My sweet wife got me a fucking cherry juice for, for a gift. She must have saved up. Sixty-five dollars.

• 7:06Matt McCusker?

  Where'd she get that money from?

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

• 7:12Matt McCusker?

  She was tricking.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Man, what the fuck, dude? She was not tricking. She saved up because she cares about me. And she got me cherry juice. And then I checked, our coffers were low. I had to pawn the cherry juice to get some fertilizer for the beets. You gotta do what you gotta do, dude. I had to get fertilizer in beets.

• 7:37Matt McCusker?

  That wasn't real low point.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  You saw me deliberate.

• 7:42Matt McCusker?

  Yes, in his one cabinet, there's just a chest where his office stuff is in. It's just a simple chest. There's like sticks, rocks, logs.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  My sticks, rocks, and logs. You laugh, but they're fueling it. You don't see my dynasty.

• 7:53Matt McCusker?

  Mushrooms and cherry juice. He goes, I gotta sell the cherry juice. What's wrong with that? He's like, my wife gave it to me.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  My wife gave it to me as a gift, dude. I didn't want to do it, but.

• 8:07Matt McCusker?

  No, I get that.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  I'm gonna tell her I drank it.

• 8:09Matt McCusker?

  How you gonna sleep? You need to drink tart cherry juice to go to sleep.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  I drank it.

• 8:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, guzzled it on a hunting expedition.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I got attacked by a fucking wolf.

• 8:17Matt McCusker?

  That was fucked up.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  There's more out there that'll get you.

• 8:19Matt McCusker?

  Is it really?

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's all types of creatures that'll eat you.

• 8:22Matt McCusker?

  The forest was scary, dude. I thought you, I thought it was a free for all. For real, dude.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Forest was nuts.

• 8:26Matt McCusker?

  Sean, don't stop me laughing.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, Sean, it's not fucking funny. This episode is brought to you by BlueChew. Oh, yeah. Fellas, let me introduce you to BlueChew Gold.

• 8:36Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 8:37Speaker 01

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• 8:58Matt McCusker?

  Because sex is not just be about being able to perform. I totally agree with that. It's about actually wanting to.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Now, wanting to is extremely important for sexual intercourse.

• 9:08Matt McCusker?

  A million percent, dude. And we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third free with promo code DRENCHED. You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  Oh yeah. You guys, it's all a game to you guys, but to me, it's a true dynasty. It's a medieval dynasty. My son Matthew will rise and he's gonna take over the big town. When I'm, I'm gonna raise a force.

• 9:40Matt McCusker?

  That'll be nice.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:41Matt McCusker?

  That place will be crazy.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  I go in there, if you don't shower, if you don't get in the water for a while, you stink and nobody will talk to you. They treat me like a real outcast in there.

• 9:49Matt McCusker?

  I like, I like how you courted your wife.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Every morning I woke up, sprinted across the river and was like, hello, I love you. And then you have to wait the next day to be able to talk to her again.

• 9:59Matt McCusker?

  The days are long, too.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Long as fuck.

• 10:01Matt McCusker?

  Days, like when you planted those apple trees, I'm like, bro, this is gonna be, I'm gonna check back in in the spring, literally.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  It's insane how I'm, and also I get excited for my harvest.

• 10:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  So I'm like, alright, I'll stay up until the fall.

• 10:11Matt McCusker?

  It just takes.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Fucking six more hours.

• 10:13Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  It was, it was a real, it was a sad moment. Seeing the clock hit, it was 3:55 and I was like, this is, something's wrong.

• 10:21Matt McCusker?

  So funny waking up for a high-power meeting and saying, I was gathering logs.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Threw on a fucking Bryce Harper jersey, unbuttoned. I was like, what's up, guys? Yeah.

• 10:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's all.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  I think it worked. I think that my demeanor in the meeting.

• 10:36Matt McCusker?

  I think so.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Was appreciated as power.

• 10:38Matt McCusker?

  I would venture to guess that you might have been the first person to ever.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:42Matt McCusker?

  Zoom into the meeting hungover from medieval medieval conquest.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  For sure. Nobody that's been hungover from medieval dynasty has ever had a powerful.

• 10:51Matt McCusker?

  And to come clean. Say, fellas, I'm gonna come clean to you guys. I was.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 10:54Matt McCusker?

  I'm building something special.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:56Matt McCusker?

  You guys have your thing going on. We can talk about that, but let me just tell you about.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  In hindsight, I should have just been like, yo, I got fucked up with Jelly Roll last night.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  I thought it was less embarrassing to be like, I was playing a video game. It turns out it's way more embarrassing.

• 11:08Matt McCusker?

  It's so funny.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:10Matt McCusker?

  It's so, especially when you're sitting there, you're like, fuck's going on? Like, dude, I'm full, full honesty. I was up all night playing fucking medieval RPG. It's like, oh, man, I can't be mad.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was nice. I think they respected that, though.

• 11:23Matt McCusker?

  You have to.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  And also, I was probably dripping medieval fucking swag.

• 11:26Matt McCusker?

  That's.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  They were probably like, this guy is gonna be something special.

• 11:29Matt McCusker?

  You might have hit him with a good day. You don't even know it.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  I have been, yeah.

• 11:32Matt McCusker?

  My lord. So, excuse me, my lord. Excuse my indolence, my lord.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Forgive me. I threw a snowball at the king.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  Dude, don't talk about that.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  I know. He might get me.

• 11:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, chill.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  He wasn't looking, threw a snowball at him, ran, ran out of the fort, back to my fucking side of the river.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  I'm a medieval, I'm a menace.

• 11:52Matt McCusker?

  You're crazy for bringing that up.

• 11:55Matt McCusker?

  I can't believe you threw a snowball at the fucking king.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  All right. I thought something bad was gonna happen. Nothing.

• 12:00Matt McCusker?

  I mean, dude.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Maybe next time I see him, it's on sight.

• 12:02Matt McCusker?

  Nah, you talked to his son. You think you would tell the wicked prince?

• 12:06Matt McCusker?

  Prince is a dick too, by the way.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  He is.

• 12:09Matt McCusker?

  I didn't, I didn't, I didn't like his fucking vibe at all. But you talk to the prince. The prince is just walking around.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  The apple which are by the road is a mistake.

• 12:15Matt McCusker?

  Why?

• 12:16Speaker 01

  They're gonna steal that from me.

• 12:17Matt McCusker?

  They're not gonna take. Who's gonna take your apples?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Just any traveler. They're gonna go, oh, here's some apples.

• 12:22Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude, you can not, they might, yeah, after you make an example out of the first guy.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  True.

• 12:27Matt McCusker?

  Told you, have some guards.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Your, your plan was, he said my wife was gonna get sexually assaulted by highwaymen. He thinks it's a funny, fun thing to joke about her.

• 12:39Matt McCusker?

  Does it have your wife guard the apple or she?

• 12:41Speaker 01

  No, she's gonna get, they're gonna take my apples and sexually assault my wife. And then I'm gonna have to pretend to be more mad about the essay than the fact that I lost all those apples. We're gonna need those apples.

• 12:54Matt McCusker?

  I was saying to me, you gotta have, you gotta have someone guarding those fields, dude.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  I will. I'll literally, that'll be the rest of the game. I'll stand there for fucking three straight days in real life.

• 13:08Matt McCusker?

  Honey, get inside. That game is fucking sick.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  So I got that going on.

• 13:13Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Matt, take it from there.

• 13:20Matt McCusker?

  Well, let me tell you something about these Dude Wipes right now, man. I'll, I'll have to take it right here. Here we go. I'm your butthole. Yeah, me. The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Name two or three poor choices that your butthole never appreciates. For example, Buffalo wings, iced coffees, gas station sushi.

• 13:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, there's, I mean, all of those.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  What's going on? This is, this is disgusting stuff.

• 13:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, jalapeno poppers, root beer floats. That's a weird one to tie to your butt. I don't know what that would do to my butt.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Root beer floats?

• 13:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and also they put in here, um, two-foot, double-ended.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's bad for your butt.

• 14:00Matt McCusker?

  Corner store chili cheese dogs.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  I'm the one dealing with your poor choices. That's from the butthole.

• 14:05Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 14:06Speaker 01

  And then you drag a dry ass tissue across me like you're sanding a piece of shit coffee table until I'm a throbbing red balloon knot.

• 14:15Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Who the fuck wrote this ad? Dude wipes, available at retailers nationwide and Amazon. Look, they do fucking rule. You don't have to, you don't have to write that ad read.

• 14:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  They're good for your butt. It feels good.

• 14:26Matt McCusker?

  It's, I mean, having, traveling with them is for real, like my.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Traveling with them is great.

• 14:30Matt McCusker?

  First day of traveling, my ass falls apart. Terms, it's just completely blistered.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  You gotta, you gotta oil slick.

• 14:37Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  And these are designed specifically.

• 14:38Matt McCusker?

  Well, the oil slick then irritates the skin. If it was just an oil slick, fine, but then your skin gets all irritated, but having these to come back from and just.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:46Matt McCusker?

  Like after like a warrior in battle, just kind of dabbing it and going.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  But yeah.

• 14:51Matt McCusker?

  They're flushable, extra large, wet wipes with scents like mint chill and shea butter. Stop being an A-hole to your B-hole. We take it all back. That's fucking gold.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was great.

• 15:01Matt McCusker?

  Dude wipes available at retailers nationwide and Amazon.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, we support this product.

• 15:06Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  What else is going on?

• 15:09Matt McCusker?

  Just distracting yourself from the comedy wars.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  The comedy wars are in full effect, dude.

• 15:14Matt McCusker?

  The comedy wars.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  The comedy wars.

• 15:16Matt McCusker?

  The war for the butt wipes.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  Yes, we have all the butt wipes.

• 15:19Matt McCusker?

  We have butt wipes.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Coming for our butt wipes. They want to take our butt wipe sponsors.

• 15:23Matt McCusker?

  Our seed is still young and our butt wipes may dwindle.

• 15:29Matt McCusker?

  The butt wipes will slip through our fingertips and into the hands of more experienced podcasters. Yes. You're just mad I have all the butt wipes.

• 15:40Matt McCusker?

  So sad to see, man.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  It's tough to see.

• 15:43Matt McCusker?

  Know what I gotta say, know what I gotta say to everybody and sorry if you don't like this? I hope they all find peace and joy and happiness, dude, for real.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:50Matt McCusker?

  I hope everybody does.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  I hope I do, that'd be fucking sick.

• 15:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you'll get, dude, you keep working like I saw you fucking working.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  I know, I was working, I had a good day. I had a good day yesterday, dude, got in the pool, laid around, said, you know, it's time to, it's time to build a hut.

• 16:03Matt McCusker?

  How'd you hear about that game?

• 16:04Speaker 01

  I had it a while ago. It was, it was, uh, so boring, I stopped.

• 16:10Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, it takes like a level of like, I don't know.

• 16:14Matt McCusker?

  I know what you mean. Dude, that's, yeah, I, I could, I could lock into that, though. I had the same thing where if it's like, just give me that task, I get to the end, like you see. Cause that's also, that's slow going progress, bro. It's not some like bullshit where you're just hitting X and like walls are appearing.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  You're exactly right, Matt.

• 16:29Matt McCusker?

  That's, you know.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  I mean, I am glad you appreciate what I've done over there.

• 16:31Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I saw the village real.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  I gotta get some chickens, though. I've just built a chicken coop.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Gotta get into town and buy some chickens, but I gotta sell all those fucking baskets first so I can buy a chicken.

• 16:40Matt McCusker?

  True, I saw you, that's kinda where you left off.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  They've fucked my village, pretty bad. Yeah, they're using all my sticks that I've gathered.

• 16:48Matt McCusker?

  Ah, those stone tools are nice, though. I saw them.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Stone tools were nice.

• 16:50Matt McCusker?

  Five, seven dollars.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  I didn't realize that, yeah.

• 16:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the bad, that makes sense. The baskets. You guys are a small commune, of course you made wicker baskets.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Checking for balls? Alright, keep an eye on the balls.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Can't have that again.

• 17:03Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you're checking, looking at his penis the whole time?

• 17:05Speaker 01

  I saw you check the lens. He wanted to see if there's a good shot.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  So far, we're good.

• 17:10Matt McCusker?

  Sean, if his penis slips out, we lose all the butt wipes.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Shoots out of these shorts.

• 17:14Matt McCusker?

  And we lose all of our butt wipes?

• 17:16Speaker 03

  I'll try, I would take it.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  If my penis was able to fly out of these shorts, I would sacrifice all the butt wipes. I'd be such a happy guy. Dude, I knew my dick, I knew my dick was too big to be a podcaster. I can't even sit down anymore.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  Instead I have the perfect designed penis for a podcast.

• 17:34Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  That thing's not going anywhere.

• 17:36Matt McCusker?

  YouTube loves the size of my penis, dude. No problem. Is this podcast safe for kids? Yes.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  It is.

• 17:45Matt McCusker?

  Forever, eternally.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Uh, so I got medieval going.

• 17:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  Uh, Oasis on tomorrow.

• 17:52Matt McCusker?

  That's gonna be tight.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  It's today, Wednesday?

• 17:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, tomorrow's Thursday. Tomorrow's Thursday.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  We're gonna be there tomorrow night.

• 17:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it'll be fucking sick.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 17:59Matt McCusker?

  In, yeah, in Shakedown.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  And then, uh, so tomorrow, I believe this Under Armour commercial or internet video comes out tomorrow. So I can talk about it now. I'm very excited about it. I put Phil in it.

• 18:12Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Phil Gillis makes his acting debut.

• 18:14Matt McCusker?

  Phil kills it, honestly.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  He was great.

• 18:16Matt McCusker?

  He was.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  Phil and, uh, head coach Marcus Freeman of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish finally on screen together. That's the, people have been begging for this.

• 18:24Matt McCusker?

  It's, it plays well.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  It does. Phil does alright.

• 18:28Matt McCusker?

  I swear to God. You usually can tell if somebody's never, especially like, it's like a real fucking thing, so it's like.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. He did great, but it was funny to watch him and Marcus find out about how shitty making a commercial is.

• 18:41Matt McCusker?

  How long it takes.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Takes so every, we did the same scene fucking.

• 18:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  So many times and both of them were like, alright, we got it, right?

• 18:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, like we're good.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  We got it from one, one camera. We're gonna switch and do the same thing over and over again. Yeah, Phil got a little tired. He was ready to get to the linebacker.

• 18:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Bar there.

• 18:58Matt McCusker?

  Is there a bar called the linebacker?

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, at Notre Dame and Phil, Phil frequents it.

• 19:04Matt McCusker?

  It is funny because he definitely probably thought this is like, I was like probably half an hour.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Twenty minutes, thirty minutes.

• 19:08Matt McCusker?

  Film is out in a half an hour, it's fucking, how long does it take?

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Two minutes long, three minutes long. It's gotta be a fucking thirty minute film.

• 19:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, not the case.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Took all day.

• 19:15Matt McCusker?

  Have you grinded the tape at all on the commercial?

• 19:17Speaker 01

  I've been grinding the tape.

• 19:18Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 19:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've watched it so many times.

• 19:21Matt McCusker?

  What do you think? Actually, yeah, you have.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  So happy about it.

• 19:24Matt McCusker?

  You have, you have ground the tape.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, it like, is like the best thing. Seeing Phil at Notre Dame.

• 19:30Matt McCusker?

  It's very nice.

• 19:31Speaker 01

  I don't care if the commercial sucks. It doesn't.

• 19:34Matt McCusker?

  It's good.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:35Matt McCusker?

  But it is, yeah, just get him in there. It was nice anyway.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  And I called him like the day before we filmed.

• 19:39Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Be like, Phil, you're in this. He was like, okay. Yeah, he pretended he, he was like, alright Shane, you gotta pay me this time. You gotta pay me a lot to get me out there. I was like, so get on the fucking plane, dude. Shut up.

• 19:51Matt McCusker?

  He definitely hung up. I was like, fuck.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, John, John.

• 19:55Matt McCusker?

  Read me my lines.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  You got the beautiful flight from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania to South Bend, Indiana.

• 20:00Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  You wanna see some ugly people? Get on that fucking flight. Everyone's hurt. Everyone's got a disease and it's fucked up. Harrisburg to Indiana.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  That's an ugly bunch. Phil was probably, they probably were like, you must be a movie star.

• 20:16Matt McCusker?

  They just catapult a bus all the way?

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Just fucking get a Greyhound.

• 20:19Matt McCusker?

  Just launch it.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, Phil must have been, yeah, that's why he was so confident. He probably felt good on that flight.

• 20:28Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's also what was embarrassing, cuz we brought, the crew who filmed it was everyone who did tires. So, but it just, me and my dad both act like we went to Notre Dame. Like, we were driving around like, you see this campus here? This part of the campus, look at the bricks they use. It's the same bricks in every building. A lot of campuses don't have that.

• 20:47Matt McCusker?

  I actually.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  Take a look at that.

• 20:48Matt McCusker?

  I for real forgot you guys both didn't go there.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  No, none of us.

• 20:50Matt McCusker?

  I was like, yeah, you guys went there. Okay, that's right.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  None of us went, dude. We walked around like, yeah, now look at that. That's the grotto. I took these fucking animals from Philadelphia to the grotto.

• 21:00Matt McCusker?

  Did you?

• 21:01Speaker 01

  They were just screaming, they were hammered, they were just making noises, and I was in there like, shut the fuck.

• 21:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, knock it off, yeah.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Pray.

• 21:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, fucking enough of that.

• 21:08Speaker 01

  I said a prayer. I said a prayer for my young baby Matthew.

• 21:11Matt McCusker?

  Say.

• 21:13Matt McCusker?

  From the rise to be strong. What do you, what do you want for your child?

• 21:17Speaker 01

  I just, I can't wait to play as him, you know? I can't wait to inhabit his body.

• 21:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  No, I mean, I hope he's as strong of a lumberjack as, uh, his father.

• 21:27Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  That's all we need, is more, more logs.

• 21:29Matt McCusker?

  Uh, your father, his father's a skilled craftsman as well.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  True.

• 21:32Matt McCusker?

  I saw, I saw a couple of fucking.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  So he put together a stone knife to skin that deer?

• 21:35Matt McCusker?

  Stone knife on the fly. That was impressive.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's where it gets a little pathetic, where I know exactly how many sticks and stones I need to craft shit. That was, uh, anyway. But Phil's acting debut is tomorrow.

• 21:47Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Currently, when this is out, hopefully. I think it's tomorrow.

• 21:51Matt McCusker?

  It'll be, uh, I know this'll be out tomorrow, I can assure you that. Gardini's on the case. All he's gotta do is blur your monster hog.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Gotta blur this hog out again. Somebody's gotta feed these hogs.

• 22:05Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I, oh man, I think I, I think I messaged you. Oh yeah, I told Gardini about this. I came across a thing. I think it was like the day we recorded the podcast last week. Unfortunately, my YouTube has, I've been like curating my YouTube because it's just started getting like annoying political stuff. And obviously no jumper comes back up because I, I think Blizz has been sending me some stuff or I don't know. But I, I come across this, actually this came across my feed organically, but there was a guy who was in the crypts and none, none of this is funny by the way, because it is a tragic situation. But, I mean, dude, I, I stayed up all night fucking watching this video. So I didn't know about this guy. He was in the crypts. He was like, you know, like a real gang banger.

• 22:47Matt McCusker?

  And he was doing drugs. He was on, he was on a fentac, ice pack. He's doing fentanyl and meth. At least his, his own words. Yeah, he was doing that. Pretty serious pack. And, uh, he, he claims, his story, his story is that he was at a party one night. Someone slipped, spiked his perp with meth, which is like, dude, special place in hell.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. If you do, if you do fent and meth, your foraging skills go up to 10. You were a 10 level forager.

• 23:15Matt McCusker?

  Tis went up too high.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 23:17Matt McCusker?

  Yes, because he doesn't remember any of this. So he just like was, you know, out partying. He was like a gang banger, doing drugs, just living the life. And he just woke up one morning and everyone called him like, yo, like, what the fuck are you doing? And he checked the interweb. Apparently he had been on FaceTime and got dominated by a Swedish lady into sucking, I believe, a Fanta bottle. And putting it in his butthole. Or around, I don't know if it went in, I don't wanna, you know, it went around or in his butthole. And he just got like completely gay dominated by a Swedish lady. He goes, I don't remember any of it. Then his whole gang beat his ass.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 23:52Matt McCusker?

  Well, they had to.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 23:53Matt McCusker?

  They had to beat him up. They had to beat him up.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  What, what happened to just razzing a guy?

• 23:58Matt McCusker?

  No, there was no razzing, because it-

• 24:00Speaker 01

  You just call him Zesty after he's-

• 24:02Matt McCusker?

  It was beyond, it was beyond-

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you do more Zesty shit, me and Matt are gonna fucking jump you.

• 24:06Matt McCusker?

  We'd have to DP him. Pause, but that's what it's called. It's called DPing.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Big balls.

• 24:16Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, dude, it was, I was shaking in my bed, just laughing like, although it isn't funny, but I was laughing, just like.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  It's very funny.

• 24:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, sucking a Fanta bottle and getting kicked out of a gang is maybe the funny, truly maybe the funniest thing in the world.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  What'd you get kicked out of the gang for?

• 24:31Matt McCusker?

  He got beat up, huh? Well, he got, he got, he got beat up and then he went to jail. So I think he's still in the gang, according to him. According to me, too, I say he's still in the gang.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  My favorite thing about it was you told me that he blamed it on the, on the Bloods or the Crips or whatever.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Oh, the Bloods set me up?

• 24:47Matt McCusker?

  I think the Bloods set him up. They spiked him so they could gay dominate him on FaceTime because of the meth.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  That's diabolical stuff.

• 24:52Matt McCusker?

  He literally had meth and turned gay. Just for a night.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Meth, why does meth keep turning everyone kinda gay?

• 24:58Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I don't know. It does it to people, man. You, I think you just have so much energy from it that you just start going like, yeah, I usually don't have time to do gay stuff.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  You take a little meth, you go, I, I wanna hit the dance floor.

• 25:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like I've gotten all of my straight business done. I still have a whole other half of my day that I usually sleep.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  The side quest.

• 25:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you have a whole, like, if you, if you don't sleep for three days, your schedule opens up.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:20Matt McCusker?

  You know? Because usually it's like, dude, we're so tired, we work so hard, we don't have time to be gay.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:24Matt McCusker?

  Wish I did.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Oh, James.

• 25:26Matt McCusker?

  Oh, nice.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  James, why don't you just come right in?

• 25:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, join.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Grab a seat. Grab a seat, brother.

• 25:32Matt McCusker?

  Grab a seat, grab a.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Brother James.

• 25:34Matt McCusker?

  Grab a broadcasting apparatus.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  I think I'm good.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 25:38Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  I think good, yeah.

• 25:39Matt McCusker?

  Good.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Went to the tinkery?

• 25:41Matt McCusker?

  Tinkery.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Something got all splashy?

• 25:44Matt McCusker?

  Place is a little, little too busy for my liking. I lost track of the children for whole stretches of time. And there's a lot of big kids running around. Yeah. The, the place, if you have an older kid, fantastic. For little kids.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Are they lad boys?

• 25:57Matt McCusker?

  It's, it's full, full spectrum, bro.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  It's nose arc in there.

• 26:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  It's two of every kind.

• 26:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. It really is.

• 26:07Matt McCusker?

  It is, it's, it's a lot of, it's just like 25 field trips bouncing off of each other like particles and you just have to like grab your three year old and be like, ah. It's like, it's like young Simba getting lost in the stampede.

• 26:20Matt McCusker?

  But, um. Those are so many beautiful.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Young mothers. I mean, this I notice every time I'm there. I'm the only dad and it's all the the mothers and the young sexy nannies and they're all there.

• 26:30Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  And me and my kids just staring at the, you know, the science. That's what I'm spending my time looking at.

• 26:35Matt McCusker?

  Just them. Do you go to the upstairs of the shopping area?

• 26:38Speaker 00

  We, we shopped. We, I, there's a height chart that children could come and see how high they are. And I have a complex that my son is small, but I measured him. He's of normal height and I felt good and I felt proud.

• 26:50Matt McCusker?

  What percentile?

• 26:51Speaker 00

  Bang in the middle. Couldn't be more in the middle.

• 26:56Matt McCusker?

  There we go.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  You're totally fine.

• 26:58Matt McCusker?

  You're good, man. We were just.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Not long.

• 27:01Matt McCusker?

  I don't recall thirty two minutes if I had to guess.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Twenty, no, fifteen.

• 27:07Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Twenty five. We're at twenty five right now. Twenty.

• 27:11Matt McCusker?

  So, yeah, you're close when you came in.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Fuck it. What's up, Jang?

• 27:16Speaker 00

  Just hanging out.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Jang, we gotta make a video for the Crows.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  This has been a devastating couple of weeks for the Crowe Boys.

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  Why?

• 27:23Speaker 00

  All right.

• 27:24Matt McCusker?

  Not doing well?

• 27:24Speaker 00

  We finished top of the ladder. So you, you finished the season, home and away season, we're number one. It was fantastic. You might have to bleep a word that I'm about to say, but our star player, Isaac Rankin, you're not gonna bleep it? That's fine. I don't mind.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  No.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  He called someone in the opposition and he got, he got dropped for four weeks.

• 27:40Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Which is the entire final season if you win the first game.

• 27:44Matt McCusker?

  Why he did that?

• 27:45Speaker 00

  He was upset. A player on the opposite team had concussed him the year before and been rubbed out for less than four weeks, I think, or exactly that. And so he, he was dropping that. Now, the man he did say that to paints his nails and wears a lot of perfume. So that whole Collingwood back line is a fate. But this is, I mean, it's just, if, if he had punched him in the throat, he would have got less time.

• 28:07Matt McCusker?

  Totally fine.

• 28:08Speaker 00

  But the league is, they've got all the women players now and they're all Rainbow Coalition and it's just.

• 28:14Matt McCusker?

  The women is a different sport though, right? Or do they have frail women?

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, they get pushed together. It's the same, same sport played at a less captivating. I'll get in trouble, but it's not as good a watch.

• 28:23Matt McCusker?

  You what?

• 28:23Speaker 01

  That's fine. It's like WNBA.

• 28:25Speaker 00

  Is that?

• 28:26Matt McCusker?

  What are you talking about?

• 28:28Speaker 01

  You're not gonna get in trouble, dude. They're not, you're not gonna get canceled.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  I, I can't watch. It's also, it's a violent sport. You don't wanna see ladies getting punched in the back of the head. I don't.

• 28:37Matt McCusker?

  No, me either.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  At least at the.

• 28:38Matt McCusker?

  Unless I'm at the thinkery.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Then I start hitting some real thoughts.

• 28:45Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I can't have my coffee in here, huh? Okay, that's fair.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  Hmm. Yeah, how do you like that? Straight into the fucking lazy river bitch.

• 28:52Matt McCusker?

  It is funny because you like, you're not allowed to have coffee in there and they'll like come up to you and be like, um, you're not allowed to have that.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  And all you have to do is get coffee?

• 28:58Matt McCusker?

  Dude, all you have to do literally is go, okay, and just keep walking.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:02Matt McCusker?

  And they'll come back up 10 minutes later, make, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to have that. You go, oh, I'm sorry about that. And you just keep walking.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Sorry, I didn't hear you.

• 29:09Matt McCusker?

  It's also so annoying. It's like, dude, yeah, I can have this. Relax. I'm not gonna like dump it on a kid. I need this right now.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  So you're telling me there's hot moms and nannies there?

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yes.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Sounds like a nice time. Now, is it a, what's going on there? You said people were splashing?

• 29:25Speaker 00

  There was a splash pad upstairs.

• 29:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  Oh, I thought it was a water park.

• 29:29Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no. Thinkery is like a kids' science museum, a children's museum.

• 29:34Speaker 00

  But all these children's museums are basically the same. I've been to 20 across America.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Touch a bunch of shit that a bunch of kids already touched. Everyone gets sick.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Very sick.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  Kid spits right in your fucking mouth.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  It's positive in a way that the grown up museums are not positive. You go to the grown up museum, like, this land is stolen, slavery was terrible. Look at all these birds that don't exist anymore. You go to the Thinkery, you go to the kids museum. You wanna look at a microscope? How is the sun?

• 29:58Matt McCusker?

  It's cool.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  You know?

• 29:59Matt McCusker?

  I like, I also like, each one has a kind of rocket launching room.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 30:03Matt McCusker?

  Where they have like a thing you put on, you can mess with the angles.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  Send a handkerchief up into the air.

• 30:08Matt McCusker?

  The handkerchiefs, the scarf thing's different, but do they have that at the Thinkery where you can like, put a foam rocket and step on a pedal?

• 30:13Speaker 00

  No, they didn't, they only had handkerchiefs. They don't trust.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  Must be nice to have kids so you can impress them with.

• 30:18Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Just everything.

• 30:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they, they get stoked.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Shit, you launched that fucking rocket.

• 30:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, me and Maya did a, uh, an inflatable pool in our front yard yesterday. And it was like, it was leaning on a hill and I just laid in this thing, just spraying a hose in the pool, just on both of us while it filled up. Just killed like two hours. It was awesome.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  Later in the evening, you go out there alone and you have five or six beers and pass out on the front lawn. That's the dream.

• 30:43Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the inflatable pool was nice, bro.

• 30:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:46Matt McCusker?

  My wife was hating on me. She's like, you look like fucking white trash out here. And I was like, get in the fucking car. Get in here. Dude, it was, it was a crooked pool.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Fucking inflatable pool, yeah.

• 30:56Matt McCusker?

  And I didn't fill it up all the way, so I was just like leaning in it like.

• 31:01Speaker 00

  The above ground pool is never a classy.

• 31:03Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  Above ground hot tub is acceptable, I think.

• 31:07Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Huge above ground pool.

• 31:10Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  That's very.

• 31:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh, well, it's like, yeah, you get in them, you're like, man, this fucking rules.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're pretty awesome.

• 31:16Matt McCusker?

  They're like a fraction of the price and you can build a nice little wood deck around them to really spruce them up.

• 31:21Speaker 00

  Well, that's faking getting it into the ground.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  It is.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  Building the ground up.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the deck's not, also, you know, you're gonna have a good time.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I mean, I would love.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Sitting on a deck in an above ground pool, you're like, we're gonna, somebody's gonna fight.

• 31:32Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  This is gonna be crazy.

• 31:34Matt McCusker?

  You make it, you can make a nasty whirlpool in those things, too.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:37Matt McCusker?

  Cause everything's standing height, so you and all your cousins just run as fast as you can.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  Muslim dance.

• 31:44Matt McCusker?

  I used to hate on above ground pools and now I'm kinda like, ah, they're kinda nice. Especially for the money of an in-ground pool.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Nice front yard one. You ever see a, you ever see a front yard?

• 31:53Matt McCusker?

  I think you're like a legal, I think you're allowed to do that.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  There's some front yards in McCann's, right? There were when I was growing up.

• 32:00Matt McCusker?

  They're nice.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  I think the people at the end of my block, they had a horse in their front yard and had a above ground.

• 32:05Speaker 00

  They had a horse in their front?

• 32:07Speaker 01

  They had a horse tied to the tree in their front yard. Just every time you do it. For fuck, it was a horse, it was there for fucking 20 years, it was not dying. It was amazing. By the end, it looked like the, the, the horse's death was on.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  Cause usually in the Midwest, you can't even have, I mean, just every yard is exactly the same, it's just flat lawn. The backyard, you can do something a bit wild, but they had a full horse.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Growing up, there was no HOA, you could.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  Right, that's coming later.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  Stop all these horses that people have.

• 32:35Matt McCusker?

  You could literally.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  The horses, I'm surprised, made it as long as it did, cause every house in my neighborhood growing up was nice. And then at the end of the block, there was just this, looked like it was made out of like plywood house with a fucking dying horse tied to its front, and it wasn't a big yard, the yard was like the size of my front yard. It'd be like if I had a horse tied to that tree.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  Think about it.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  Could be cool. I once saw a.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  My, my neighborhood has fucking animals.

• 32:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you got chickens.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  I saw the peacock.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  Turkeys, I've seen turkeys walking around, yeah. Roosters.

• 33:03Matt McCusker?

  I like that.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 33:04Speaker 00

  The best thing I ever saw in Austin was a, it was a black guy on a horse, just in a suburb. It was like in a neighborhood on a main road, no helmet. He was texting, he was texting and clopping, just like it was the most normal thing in the world. He was wearing a, uh, we call them wife beaters.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  He was wearing like one of those and he was just chilling out, texting on his horse, going down the street.

• 33:22Matt McCusker?

  Self-driving.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Well, they never got rid of horses, right? Like legally, you can still take a horse.

• 33:27Matt McCusker?

  Philly, Philly has them. Philly has their own like horse riders.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  Philly has horses.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  No.

• 33:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 33:32Speaker 00

  What people that, yeah, around the cobblestones of Kansas.

• 33:36Matt McCusker?

  It's in West Philly and it's in also, uh, North Philly.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  There's a tradition of black guys with horses?

• 33:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:41Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the first, first time I saw one was, uh, year like twenty, it must've been like twenty fourteen or, you know, whatever, sometime around then. And I was like very, very high at nighttime, walking up to my house in West Philly and a black dude on a horse came by me and I was like, fuck, fuck. I thought I was hallucinating. I swear to God. I was like, what is going on? And then like I looked into it and there is like a, there's stables. Where the fuck are they? Yeah, there's like a, a stable.

• 34:07Speaker 00

  They're not that expensive.

• 34:08Matt McCusker?

  It was in Rocky, it was in a Creed too. They, like a huge plot is the horse guys.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Concrete Cowboys.

• 34:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:17Matt McCusker?

  It's a way of life.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  I, I felt so free looking at this man. No equipment. I think he had a saddle. That was it. He wasn't riding bareback on a horse.

• 34:25Matt McCusker?

  Nobody wears helmets to ride horses anyway. Only like fox catchers or something. There's no way.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 34:31Speaker 00

  We're from a very helmeted country. My kids are learning to ride bikes now with no helmets and I'm so happy. My mom will be upset if she ever finds out, but it's, there's such a freedom to not wear helmets.

• 34:38Speaker 01

  Gotta toss helmet on those kids.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're doing, they're learning fast.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, they better. Yeah, it's a good move. The way I was taught to ride a bike is my dad took me to the top of a hill by my elementary school. The first time without training wheels and just launched me. And I couldn't, I didn't know how to, I just went straight into, I was flying just straight into these bushes.

• 34:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I hit bushes as well.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:00Matt McCusker?

  Thorns.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  Right in there.

• 35:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Tough there.

• 35:03Matt McCusker?

  Dude, my kid like champs riding a bike. They don't do training wheels anymore. You do a thing where you have no training wheels, but your feet touch the ground, you have no pedals. And you just like push yourself along and you learn how to balance. And one day we just threw on pedals and she just took off. No problem. It's actually, it's pretty insane. So when training wheels are like the worst idea.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  How happy were you?

• 35:21Matt McCusker?

  I was pretty happy, honestly.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, that'd be nice.

• 35:22Matt McCusker?

  I was pretty pumped. I just ran, actually, I think I just skateboarded after and it was, it was kinda nice. It's kinda scary though, cause they don't know how to turn at all, so they're like.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 35:30Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty and then like the street they'll they'll they will just ride right through the street. You gotta be like, stop.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  I do that.

• 35:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  A lot.

• 35:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Matt Chain, what was your favorite part of last football season? The Super Bowl. What was your favorite part of the football season?

• 35:47Matt McCusker?

  Favorite part of the?

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Was it watching Saquon Barkley?

• 35:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, it was honestly watching against the Chiefs.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:54Matt McCusker?

  I saw that and I had a Chiefs fan in the house. So that was.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  That's nice.

• 35:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I mean, it almost felt bad because they were winning so badly that I was. Yeah, he just went outside the whole time.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  What are you most excited about in this upcoming season, Matt?

• 36:06Matt McCusker?

  This upcoming season, I is there any young teams? I like it. I'd like to see a young team really kind of snap together.

• 36:11Speaker 01

  Trying to think of a cool, young team. Unfortunately, it's the Washington commanders are kind of the cool.

• 36:15Matt McCusker?

  Are they really?

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Younger team.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I've been beefing with Washington forever. Yeah, I don't want to. Also, I'm kind of pissed they changed. I don't, you know, I don't.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  PrizePix.

• 36:28Matt McCusker?

  They should have picked something else.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Matt, talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season.

• 36:32Matt McCusker?

  This is gonna be a big year, man. They got a lot of new things. A lot of new things coming in. I know they got Friday Night Football is big. They got a lot more. Are they adding the 15th game? Because that is kind of a 16th.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  They've already done it. Maybe more.

• 36:44Matt McCusker?

  Okay, that's what I want to see. I want to see football get more commercialized.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:49Matt McCusker?

  In a way, you know, I want to see them grind some more money out of these players.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:53Matt McCusker?

  And.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Extra weeks on a grueling sport.

• 36:56Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  That has constant injuries.

• 36:57Matt McCusker?

  If they blow their knees.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  You want more weeks.

• 36:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, if they get hurt, they get fucking hurt, man. I don't care.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's good.

• 37:02Matt McCusker?

  I want to see. I just want to see more merch. I want to see.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  We do need more merch. All this football talk is getting me pumped.

• 37:10Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  It's getting me plump, dude. Thankfully, the football season is already underway on PrizePix. PrizePix is offering season-long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts, dude. Think about that.

• 37:20Matt McCusker?

  Here we go.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  PrizePix is simple to play. Just pick more or less on athlete stat projections. If you get your picks right, you can cash in and win up to 2,000 times your money. PrizePix is the best way to get action on sports in more than 30 states, including California, Texas, and Georgia. And it's Texas, guys. We love that. Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code DRENCH to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, run your game.

• 37:52Speaker 00

  I'll do it.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, go ahead.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Black Israelite, my new comedy special, September 1, it's coming out on my.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  It's gonna be really great.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Huge.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  I've seen you run a lot of that material and.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  You've seen it all, yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and every time you've done a show with me, every single DM I get after was like, who the fuck was that Australian man?

• 38:08Speaker 00

  Well, it's only 23 minutes. I've panicked and cut it out again.

• 38:12Speaker 04

  That's all you need. It's gonna be awesome.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  And I have tour dates. I'm going to Houston, St. Louis, Omaha, Springfield, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Irvine, Los Angeles, Baltimore, and more.

• 38:21Speaker 04

  Where can they get tickets?

• 38:23Speaker 00

  JDFMcCann.com. I gotta work on a better website.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  Alright.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  JDFMcCann.com.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  JDFMcCann.com, yeah. Disquieting Levels of Egg, new book of poems, number one.

• 38:36Speaker 00

  They won't give me a book deal. No one will give me a book. I'm doing my best.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  I just put out a couple of tour dates, ShaneMGilchrist.com.

• 38:43Speaker 04

  Go to my Youtubes, please.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, Matt's got that cartoon. It's great.

• 38:47Speaker 04

  I had a little, a whole new song too, man.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  It's really good.

• 38:50Speaker 04

  Thank you. Did you hear my song? Did you even listen to my song?

• 38:51Speaker 01

  I haven't heard the song.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's half-credit sequence, isn't it?

• 38:55Speaker 04

  It's a very short cartoon with a minute and a half of a song.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  We got more plugs? Yeah, get in there.

• 39:02Speaker 04

  And, uh, please, if you're in, uh, gas Atlanta, please come see me, uh, October 23rd at Atlanta Helium. That'd be huge for me. Thank you so much. Was I not on screen? God damn it. God damn it.

• 39:17Speaker 04

  And, and October 19th, uh, September 2nd, September 2nd next week, please, thank you.

• 39:23Speaker 00

  And well done on the Madison Square Garden. You've got the third is on sale?

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Third's on sale now.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  You're gonna break a record.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  No. The record is five.

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Sebastian Maniscalco on five. I looked it up. You can get it. You sold the first two out in like a day.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:38Speaker 04

  It's not until next year.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  It's not until January. My stock could go down by then.

• 39:43Speaker 04

  No.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Could be an empty garden.

• 39:45Speaker 04

  No.

• 39:46Speaker 01

  And if it is an empty garden, I'm still performing.

• 39:48Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  It's gonna be the funniest way to end.

• 39:50Matt McCusker?

  Best thing ever.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  Literally the best way to end a career. If my career falls off between now and January, I'm doing three empty gardens.

• 39:56Matt McCusker?

  That'd be so nice. That'd be awesome.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  That'd be a nice special too.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  Triple crown.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  Just got the triple crown, three straight silent bombs.

• 40:04Matt McCusker?

  Scalpers just get fucked.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Scalpers get absolutely fucked. Uh, yeah, that's a kind of a dream. Be a nice way to go home.

• 40:14Matt McCusker?

  Be awesome.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  I could put all my effort into medieval dynasty. Focus heavily on building the ultimate city in town for my beautiful wife.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  Looking after the kids every day at the moment. My wife is, uh, she's done well and she was in bed and I've just got the kids every day and I just try and tire them out with, they're just going around the night. They had other children on the street. They want my weird children to go away from them. They go up to them and ask to play with their basketball and

• 40:41Speaker 00

  I taught him how to swim. That was a bit, that's a big breakthrough this week.

• 40:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Go into the pool and I just try and exhaust my ADHD daughter by forcing her to swim. She's, I'm tired dad. I go swim through it. Push on, go. She's, her shoulders are getting, it's only been like two weeks, but huge.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  You're gonna be watching Lady AFL.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  You're gonna be watching the Lady Crom.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  I hope I just have a trans son who can dominate the league. No, not even for that.

• 41:06Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice.

• 41:06Speaker 00

  The Crom is, this is heartbreaking this week. It's ruined my, the fact that they could do that. All he did was call a man, and they're gonna take his career away from him.

• 41:15Matt McCusker?

  His whole career, is he, is he benched for a little bit?

• 41:17Speaker 00

  For the finals. That's our first time playing finals in eight years.

• 41:20Matt McCusker?

  Is he on record saying it? Can he be like, I didn't say that?

• 41:22Speaker 00

  He cupped to it immediately. He said, they must've had footage and I wanted him to come out as gay. I thought that would have been, that would have been the move, but he's, he loves the ladies.

• 41:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  Sweet Isaac. And then he went to Italy, cooled down.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Oh, that's not good.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  I know, that's.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Should still be training. If you guys lose the first, still make it to the granny.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  I don't think he was doing well. We've all got a rally behind Isaac.

• 41:43Matt McCusker?

  He's not getting like banned from the league. He's just getting suspended, right?

• 41:46Speaker 01

  But it's four games. So if you lose the first game, he can still.

• 41:49Speaker 00

  You've really picked it up.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  I know. I'm trying to get to the granny.

• 41:51Matt McCusker?

  You're grinding the tape.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  I've been grinding the tape. A lot of people are afraid to grind the tape.

• 41:55Speaker 00

  This is the dream is that we lose the first game of the finals and then he would get to play in the grand final. But what is nice about the AFL is you can't be taken off for a foul. You can be suspended afterwards, but they can't take you off at any point in the game. So when you announce your retirement before the grand final. Ah, the violence is astronomical.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  That's awesome.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  You get a blank check. They can't do anything to you.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  Do you think Tex is gonna hit the?

• 42:15Speaker 00

  If Tex retires.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  You think he's gonna go wild?

• 42:17Speaker 00

  I reckon the arms might come out.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:20Matt McCusker?

  Think so.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  I reckon.

• 42:22Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  I reckon the arms might come out on Big Tex. Need a granny fat light up the chrome.

• 42:29Speaker 00

  Up the chrome.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  Up the fucking chrome.

• 42:31Matt McCusker?

  I would, I would like to see my trans daughter dominate in sports. If I'm being honest, if it's like, you know, cause it's, it's a lot to process.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Imagine having a trans daughter lose in all those sports? Go.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  There was an Indian.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  We're putting it back on.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  There was an Indian trans at the Olympics who intersexed, who could, still couldn't keep up with the ladies. Yeah.

• 42:49Matt McCusker?

  Well, that's, although that's kinda hardening. It's like, damn, you really are a fucking girl.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:54Matt McCusker?

  Thought you were a fucking, you earned it, bud.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I thought you were fibbing. I thought you were fibbing for attention in elementary school. You were fucking dead on. Get in the car, you fucking unathletic bitch.

• 43:06Matt McCusker?

  I'd have to stop though and be like, be honest with me. You weren't losing out of kink, were you? Was that kink?

• 43:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was a little kink.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:16Matt McCusker?

  That would be cool though, just watching like pure domination and being like, fuck yeah.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  That's my girl.

• 43:21Matt McCusker?

  It's gotta be, everyone's like crying about it, but what about the parents?

• 43:24Speaker 01

  Also, that would fire me the fuck up, dude. If I was like, uh, the Penn swimmers fucking parents.

• 43:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:29Speaker 01

  People like, get him out of the pool. That's a god. Be like, yo, shut the fuck up. Science is real bitch. I would, I'd be the biggest lib on earth, dude. If that was my kid, I'd be in there, I'd be.

• 43:39Matt McCusker?

  You'd have no choice.

• 43:40Speaker 01

  I'd hold a Ukraine flag every fucking match.

• 43:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you'd have to.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  I'd be going crazy.

• 43:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, unless somehow you can do a Jenner.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Be Republican trans?

• 43:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  Republican trans is the most powerful, dangerous force on the earth.

• 43:53Matt McCusker?

  We gotta get up in the log cabin.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  True.

• 43:55Matt McCusker?

  You know what the log cabin is?

• 43:56Speaker 01

  I thought you were talking about.

• 43:57Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no. The log cabin is where all the gay Republicans, it's like the gay Republican gathering place. They call it a log cabin. I don't know why. The log cabin is where like gay Republicans can, like can join.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  Finally.

• 44:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you get to get, you get to the log cabin.

• 44:10Speaker 00

  Out of the toilets and into the beautiful, it's the poor gays who have to go to a public toilet. The rich Republican gays.

• 44:17Matt McCusker?

  Log cabin.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  Go to a fancy log cabin.

• 44:19Matt McCusker?

  I might go there and shake something.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Shake something for the boys?

• 44:22Matt McCusker?

  I might shake something.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Shake something for, uh?

• 44:24Matt McCusker?

  Shake some crime statistics for them.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  Oh, they probably jizz everywhere.

• 44:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, my dick's only 13% of what it should be, but it's about to commit 50% of your fucking ass.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  Is that fucker from South Carolina? Is that gay fuck? I don't know if I should say it like that, but you know who I'm talking about, Lindsey Graham.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  No, you cannot say that.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  Lindsey Graham's in there, working for the boys, dude.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  Honey, I gotta go to the log cabin again.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was, uh, look, we're bashing pubs, I'm all about it. I was fucking looking at Audible last night, I was down, I was trying to get a book going.

• 45:02Matt McCusker?

  What you got?

• 45:03Speaker 01

  Uh, and then it was like, the books under like history, I just looked at the top, one of them's, what's that fucking, uh, who's the FBI?

• 45:14Matt McCusker?

  Cash Patel?

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Cash Patel's book, it's like American gangsters are like, uh, political gangsters, and it's like, how we're gonna expose the deep state. That's his book.

• 45:24Speaker 00

  Well, then he actually got in there and got threatened, and he went, you know, actually, there's nothing to it.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  He said Epstein fucking did it. He killed himself.

• 45:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you know what? Turns out the gangsters have done their.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  Political gangsters, yeah, turns out there actually are political gangsters, and they're gonna cut my head off.

• 45:39Matt McCusker?

  There's a hubbaloo about Melania being on the cover of Vanity Fair, one of those magazines, I don't know which one, and there's people saying like this staff, either it's Vanity Fair or people, I don't know. But there's a, they're saying like the staff is threatening to leave, and it, for the first time, I've never seen this, but I saw one of the, and it could have just been a bot on Twitter, but someone was like, How do you fucking like it? There's a hundred million of us Trumpers, and we'll get him, we will support this magazine stand against the fascists, and I was like, whoa, the libs are fascist now?

• 46:08Speaker 01

  The libs?

• 46:09Matt McCusker?

  I didn't know the libs are fascist.

• 46:10Speaker 00

  I gotta get me some of that Vanity Fair magazine.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  Dude, they're like, we are one hundred million strong, we will support you, Melania, on your cover of Vanity Fair. They're both fascist. That's the, both sides are calling each other fascist.

• 46:20Matt McCusker?

  I think now, just if someone who disagrees with you is a fascist.

• 46:23Speaker 00

  Did you see Marion this week?

• 46:24Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  He's coming for Chappelle. He's saying that Netflix standing with Chappelle showed that they were a fascist organization, and he will not work with them.

• 46:31Matt McCusker?

  He's right, they are.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 46:36Matt McCusker?

  I'm feeling the wind, I'm feeling, I'm kidding.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  Nah, I don't give a fuck.

• 46:40Matt McCusker?

  I'm feeling the wind, I'm feeling the wind shift, I'm going full woke, dude. I'm going full fucking woke.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  I am too.

• 46:47Matt McCusker?

  Fucking fascist, dude. What did that guy say in the soccer game? Piece of shit.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:56Matt McCusker?

  Piece of shit.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  Dude, Cracker Barrel, I was furious. I was fucking livid, dude.

• 47:01Speaker 00

  They reversed it today.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  They took it back. They pussies.

• 47:04Matt McCusker?

  What happened to Cracker Barrel?

• 47:05Speaker 00

  You're against that? That's what you don't like?

• 47:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can't fold, dude.

• 47:08Speaker 00

  Go to the minimalist Scandinavian design.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Cracker Barrel took the old white guy off the cover.

• 47:13Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 47:14Speaker 01

  And everyone was like, you fucking pussies, woke pussies. That's fascism.

• 47:19Matt McCusker?

  Also, what is even woke about taking an old white guy off the thing? A Cracker Barrel? Why did they take the cracker off there?

• 47:24Speaker 00

  They took the cracker and the barrel off.

• 47:26Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 47:26Speaker 01

  Oh, the barrel too?

• 47:27Speaker 00

  The barrel.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it just said Cracker Barrel and like shitty. It was a terrible redesign. But nobody was mad about, I mean, I guess people were upset. They were like, this is a bad redesign. That would have been a fair critique, but instead people were like, fucking woke bullshit.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  It was an extra guy.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  I want my Cracker Barrel. I want that old guy.

• 47:44Matt McCusker?

  So wait, they put him on, I don't understand. So they did, what was the redesign of?

• 47:49Speaker 01

  It just said Cracker Barrel.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  It's just a yellow barrel shape.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  It used to be a guy sitting there next to the word Cracker Barrel. They got rid of the guy.

• 47:55Matt McCusker?

  Was he a Jew?

• 47:58Speaker 00

  He was a Semite.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  If you really want to look into the history, yeah, probably.

• 48:03Matt McCusker?

  Purveyor of fine cheeses.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  I thought there was gonna be a logo spaz on the Notre Dame guy.

• 48:09Matt McCusker?

  What'd they do with that?

• 48:10Speaker 01

  They changed it to a guy running the football.

• 48:12Matt McCusker?

  But he's that?

• 48:13Speaker 01

  When we were filming that commercial, they showed me, the Under Armour people were like, here's the new logo, here's the new leprechaun. And I was like, you guys, you don't know what you're doing.

• 48:20Matt McCusker?

  Why did they do that? No.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  If you change this guy, you guys are fucked.

• 48:22Matt McCusker?

  Wait, is it the same guy?

• 48:23Speaker 00

  I thought this guy was still around sometimes.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  He's still around some.

• 48:26Speaker 00

  That's how the Reddit board managed to defend it, say, no, every team has a leprechaun carrying something. Alternate logo.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  You can't get rid of this.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  But everybody loves the leprechaun running the football.

• 48:35Speaker 00

  That's next week.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's Sunday.

• 48:38Speaker 00

  This Sunday?

• 48:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:39Matt McCusker?

  Week zero's been good, though.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna go. I gotta go, uh, I'm gonna be in Chicago till Sunday. I'm gonna fly to PA. I'm gonna watch it.

• 48:48Speaker 00

  You're gonna be so close to it.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  Notre Dame, Miami, and Pennsylvania. Where? Chicago?

• 48:52Speaker 00

  Chicago's so close.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  It's at Miami.

• 48:53Matt McCusker?

  It's at Miami, bro. And honestly, they don't have a good track record down in Miami.

• 48:57Speaker 01

  Matt, you're exactly right.

• 48:59Matt McCusker?

  I've been watching the tape.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  They've had a tough time. You've been grinding the tape. They, they don't do well on at Miami, because it's fucking Miami Super Bowl.

• 49:07Matt McCusker?

  Is their quarterback a true freshman?

• 49:08Speaker 01

  Redshirt, Matt.

• 49:09Matt McCusker?

  He's a redshirt?

• 49:10Speaker 01

  He's a redshirt. He's going up against Carson Beck, who's a transfer from Georgia who had a hell of a career.

• 49:15Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  And he's at Miami now. So the quarterback, we'll see. We're gonna have to protect him. We're gonna have to protect young CJ.

• 49:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:23Matt McCusker?

  Eh, it's gonna come down to the nose tackle from what I gather for Miami.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  From Miami?

• 49:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  You've been grinding the fucking hill.

• 49:28Matt McCusker?

  I've been grinding the tape, dude.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 49:29Matt McCusker?

  That's my take. Personally, that's my take. That's gonna come down to that nose tackle, man.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Cause we all know they got that, that defensive end.

• 49:34Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  We know about that defensive end. That D tackle can eat up two blockers and now you're leaving one on one, a tackle at that D end, or I mean, God forbid a fucking running back picking up the pass block.

• 49:44Matt McCusker?

  How, how long, so when they, when they played Ohio, that, that one drive was what, about 18 minute drive? Cause I wanna see him do some-

• 49:49Speaker 01

  First drive, it was 18 plays.

• 49:51Matt McCusker?

  18 plays, that's what I'm at.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  It was the whole first quarter, it was...

• 49:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I wanna see, I wanna see a couple more, little, something a little more explosive, a little more dynamic in terms of going down the field, taking chances.

• 50:00Speaker 01

  That's what we're hoping with this quarterback.

• 50:01Matt McCusker?

  There we go.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  He's got more of an arm.

• 50:02Matt McCusker?

  Does he?

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:03Matt McCusker?

  There we go.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Last guy was a runner.

• 50:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  But I'll tell you what, third and one, you're getting that first down with that quarterback.

• 50:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, his short air acceleration elite.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  Bro, he's willing to dive for that yard. And when you see your quarter, let's say, let's say you're a left tackle, you got a bum ankle. Alright? You see your quarterback dive across that fucking first down marker, suddenly that ankle doesn't hurt that bad anymore. You go, this whole team's ready to die right now.

• 50:25Speaker 00

  When it has Jeremiah Love's bodies holding up. Has he come back?

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Jeremiah Love's body is looking nice.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  Alright, good.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  His body is looking good. We're gonna have to keep him healthy. You're exactly right, James. But we got good, Jadaian Price is back there, Nias Williams, we got some good running backs. I'm not worried about that.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  I followed the whole, on the offseason as svelte boys would walk around the Notre Dame campus and the press coverage. It's incredible.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Take a picture of the boys, you go, this kid's looking strong. It's one way to do it.

• 50:54Speaker 00

  A 17 year old with beautiful, so that's a news story for Notre Dame. There's a 17 year old with big shoulders is walking around the campus. We saw him smiling with Coach Freeman.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  That's good, that's good stuff. You know who else is what? Me. I'm the one who's reading that. Get him, get him.

• 51:08Speaker 00

  Do you make a Reddit exception for reading about Notre Dame?

• 51:11Speaker 01

  No, I stay off Reddit.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  Oh, you get to miss out on all of the real nuffie-

• 51:15Speaker 01

  Bro, if I open Reddit, the first thing I see is Shane goes, fucking blows, dude. I can't get on there.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  He's very positive.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  That is not.

• 51:22Matt McCusker?

  Do you think the coach ever like, during locker time, just looks at the muscles of all of his, uh, his team? In like a good way, like, damn, these guys have so many fucking muscles. This is like the, this is the physical machinery of my team. I would.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  No, like, that's a guy's job.

• 51:36Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's why strength and conditioning coaches are like, out of their minds.

• 51:40Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  They're like, serious about that.

• 51:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Just getting that extra.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  You want your team to pass the eye test.

• 51:47Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  You want to win the game getting off the bus.

• 51:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  My high.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  You see those boys get off the bus, you go, oh, it's gonna be a long day.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  I liked it when we played Georgia and many of them were fat. And the commentary gets stuck in on fat teenagers. Playing before they go, hmm, strength and conditioning program might have a couple of questions to answer.

• 52:05Matt McCusker?

  I think I said all my grind the tape stuff I memorized, dude, I'm out.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  You gotta get more.

• 52:09Matt McCusker?

  I lasted as long as I could.

• 52:10Speaker 01

  Well, we were watching nasty YouTube videos about the comedy wars. And I was like, what are we doing? Let's get something, let's get something positive.

• 52:16Speaker 00

  I had to stop.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Put on fucking grind the tape.

• 52:18Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  I like this.

• 52:24Matt McCusker?

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• 53:08Matt McCusker?

  including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/secretpod. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

• 53:21Speaker 01

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• 53:22Matt McCusker?

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• 53:29Speaker 01

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• 53:38Matt McCusker?

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• 53:58Speaker 01

  Incredible.

• 53:59Matt McCusker?

  So much dude, the fate of the universe hangs in the balance, bro.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  Well, the comedy wars?

• 54:03Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 54:04Speaker 01

  Dude.

• 54:07Speaker 01

  The Austin comedy scene's too powerful. LA and New York need to unite to destroy the Austin comedy scene. How are they gonna stop it?

• 54:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's just, so we have all the butt wipes.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  We have all the butt wipes.

• 54:17Matt McCusker?

  They're doing a nice, successful Block 8 on the butt wipes. They're going into like, deep political theory. I mean, like, it's actually fascist. Fuck, I didn't think about that.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  It's gonna backfire. You can't do that.

• 54:25Matt McCusker?

  Blue chew, are you okay with this?

• 54:27Speaker 01

  You can't call the, you can't call the group fascist.

• 54:30Matt McCusker?

  But then you can't say you're not fa-

• 54:31Speaker 01

  It's gonna be like Cracker Barrel. It's gonna be like Vanity Fair.

• 54:34Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  You can't do that.

• 54:35Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  They're gonna go, well, the-

• 54:37Matt McCusker?

  Just a thousand disabled guys going, "We will stand with you for my better and greater."

• 54:44Speaker 01

  The disabled guys are a little nasty fucks, dude. You don't realize, they're little climber fuckers.

• 54:51Matt McCusker?

  Dude, yeah. Think about it.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  You think because of the disability, you're like, "This guy must be a sweetheart." Then you talk to him, you go, "Fucking, this guy's a little climber, dude. This guy's a little nasty fuck."

• 55:00Matt McCusker?

  Think about the, think about the drudgery-

• 55:01Speaker 01

  That could be any of them. I'm not single.

• 55:02Speaker 00

  Well, some of them don't have a lot of time. They've got to establish their career very quickly.

• 55:05Speaker 01

  I think those guys, they seem good.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Which specific disableds?

• 55:10Speaker 01

  They're all fake.

• 55:12Matt McCusker?

  Dude, think about the, think about the fucking dread and like, drudgery of just being like a healthy young man in an office. You're like, "I gotta escape this form that is my life." If you fucking strap me down and like, scramble my fucking wires, I'd be like, "I gotta, I gotta fucking do something about this."

• 55:30Speaker 01

  I, yeah, you gotta, nothing but respect for the disabled bros that-

• 55:34Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  Killing it.

• 55:36Matt McCusker?

  I, they get me every time.

• 55:37Speaker 01

  Does New York have any disabled men?

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Lot of stairs in that-

• 55:40Speaker 01

  There's a couple of disabled men?

• 55:41Matt McCusker?

  Lot of fake ass motherfuckers.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, the salary-

• 55:43Speaker 00

  You're gonna get carried down into the cell.

• 55:46Matt McCusker?

  True. Yeah, is that place even fucking, is that place ADA compliant, by the way?

• 55:52Speaker 00

  The stand?

• 55:52Matt McCusker?

  Let me find out if the sellers are ADA compliant.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  If you go in the front, yeah, they'll, they'll get some of those guys.

• 55:56Matt McCusker?

  I was about to make a YouTube video, thank God. I was about to fucking trash them.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  Dude, the New York comedy scene, we're coming for you.

• 56:02Matt McCusker?

  We need ramps?

• 56:03Speaker 01

  We need ramps, dude. That's one thing Austin's got a fuck ton of. Every comedian takes 30 minutes to get to the stage. They gotta sit on one of those fucking-

• 56:15Speaker 01

  You see our pool parties, everyone's getting dipped in by those pool center chairs.

• 56:20Matt McCusker?

  We should get a zip line for the balcony.

• 56:25Matt McCusker?

  I still get moved every time and I see a dude with like genuine disabilities doing a thing on stage. Cause it to me it's like, I would give in. I would be, it would just be too much for me. I don't know that my spirit would be resilient enough to fucking practice the sacred art form that is stand up comedy.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  Dude, it's such a sacred art. And that's what I've, that's what the thing that's driving me during the comedy wars is how sacred the art is.

• 56:49Speaker 01

  That's all.

• 56:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  The comedy wars will pass.

• 56:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it will. It'll pass. It's, yeah, it'll pass.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  I was, I got to go to New York last week.

• 56:57Speaker 01

  I'm going back to Philly for about six months, so.

• 56:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  I'm out. Fuck the Austin scene, dude.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  I'm back east coast till I die, bro. East coast all day.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  I talked to the people in the New York and everyone talks a big game and then when they see you, they're very interested in knowing how that that's working and can they, can they get a little piece of that? There's a hopelessness out there. You got LA, you say, what are the podcasts that you can go on here? They got nothing. They got the Bad Friends Universe.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  No, there's a lot. There's a fucking, there's so many.

• 57:23Matt McCusker?

  LA and New York are doing great.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  No, New York's doing great on the podcast. LA is, if you're Bill Burr's friend.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Glassman's out there.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  Yes, that's number three.

• 57:31Matt McCusker?

  There's a lot.

• 57:31Speaker 00

  And name a fourth. Name a fourth good podcast.

• 57:33Matt McCusker?

  How many are fucking here?

• 57:35Speaker 00

  We got the Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. We got the Joe Rogan Experience. No, you gotta, you gotta take the stuff island being here.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Philly all day.

• 57:44Matt McCusker?

  That's Philly podcast.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  What, am I Australian podcasting?

• 57:47Matt McCusker?

  Philly. Nah, it depends on you.

• 57:50Speaker 00

  You got that lovely woman with the tits on your mom's house. I did that. I managed to almost not look at her boobs the whole time.

• 57:56Matt McCusker?

  We're like, we're like the Jews of the comedy scene.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  We got kicked out of New York.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Every full year.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  We come in, we take all the butt wipes. We go, yeah, we're going back to Philly.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, true. Damn, dude.

• 58:14Matt McCusker?

  Congress to send like nine million butt wipes to Philadelphia.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  We're gonna get everything, yeah. Damn, I never thought of us as, yeah.

• 58:22Matt McCusker?

  We are.

• 58:22Speaker 01

  We are. Tried to get to New York. I almost got spewed out.

• 58:30Matt McCusker?

  So don't be like, I can't perform on Saturdays. Sorry, guys.

• 58:34Speaker 01

  Are you Jewish? No, I'm from, I'm from the Philadelphia comedy scene.

• 58:38Matt McCusker?

  I'm orthodox.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  You might have heard of us.

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  I'm orthodox. We have to wear gym shorts at all times.

• 58:43Speaker 01

  We have to return, dude. We have to return to our homeland. Beezer's the only one holding it down.

• 58:49Matt McCusker?

  He's in a tunnel.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  Beezer's definitely acidic, dude. He's ultra fucking Philly comedy scene. Yeah, that's what he's doing right now, for real.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  I can't wait to take my birthright back to Philly.

• 59:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 59:06Speaker 01

  I'm so excited.

• 59:07Matt McCusker?

  I also like LA. I was just out there.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  LA's incredible.

• 59:10Matt McCusker?

  Going on a special. It's really nice. I like everywhere.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  Comedy store is fucking great.

• 59:12Matt McCusker?

  I know. I like everywhere.

• 59:13Speaker 01

  Everything's, yeah.

• 59:14Matt McCusker?

  I hope it doesn't devolve into a Biggie Tupac situation. I don't want to see, uh, I don't see Joe DeRosa get shot in a 92.

• 59:22Speaker 01

  He, he's also a Philly. He's one of us. He migrates anyway. You see him. You see him fucking pictures with Tony, like.

• 59:29Matt McCusker?

  He has a fucking deli, dude. He has a fucking Jewish deli.

• 59:35Speaker 01

  Fuck.

• 59:36Matt McCusker?

  Kerry Metzger.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  Metzger, Metzger, Philly. He's also, yeah.

• 59:41Matt McCusker?

  He's extreme side, so.

• 59:44Speaker 01

  Ultra extreme.

• 59:48Matt McCusker?

  What a good time. Everyone relax and have a good time.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  I really don't.

• 59:51Matt McCusker?

  It's just, I'm telling you, the butt wipe money's driving everyone crazy.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  How much are these butt people paying for podcasts? My booty too clean for them to have been in touch with me, but I.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  You wouldn't believe.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  I would love to.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  No offense, dude. Your booty must be a fucking, you shower like every three days.

• 1:00:07Speaker 00

  I gotta fly.

• 1:00:07Speaker 01

  Your booty must be a goddamn disaster.

• 1:00:09Matt McCusker?

  What's the ass like, for real?

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  Well, the ass doesn't exist, so it's straight butthole to a scene.

• 1:00:14Speaker 01

  We were just talking about that.

• 1:00:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Oh, it's easy to get in, for sure.

• 1:00:18Speaker 00

  Absolutely no worries getting in and around.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  If you don't shower for like three days.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  I've become a daily habitual shower.

• 1:00:22Speaker 01

  That's what I, you're gonna have to.

• 1:00:23Speaker 00

  Not today, obviously, but most.

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  Oh, goddamn.

• 1:00:26Matt McCusker?

  Before bedtime. That's what I do. I do before bedtime.

• 1:00:28Speaker 01

  You gotta shower before bed.

• 1:00:29Matt McCusker?

  Before bedtime, like I, if I feel, if my legs feel even like a dry sweat on them at all, I gotta get out of bed.

• 1:00:35Speaker 04

  Shower up.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  Seriously, how much is the bum money?

• 1:00:37Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 1:00:38Matt McCusker?

  James, it's literally starting, it's like oil money. Just look up how much a barrel of oil is. Same fucking price.

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  Same thing.

• 1:00:43Speaker 00

  None of them will. That's one I could actually, they try and get me for the, I couldn't do condoms and I don't think I could do sports bet gambling.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Butt wipes.

• 1:00:51Speaker 00

  Butt wipes have never been in touch. I would love to, I could do erection ones.

• 1:00:55Matt McCusker?

  Boner pills?

• 1:00:56Speaker 00

  I'd say, I'd do like the pale light ones. I've never had a problem with getting an erection, but if I did.

• 1:01:00Matt McCusker?

  There's butt wipes. Yeah, butt wipes is obviously the biggest.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  I'm hearing the butt wipes everywhere. Sometimes a video game, that seems like a good.

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  You can get a video game.

• 1:01:14Matt McCusker?

  Careful, that's like putting on the ring, once you read one butt wipes app.

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  Why is Coca-Cola not getting involved or something? Where's the, where's Cracker Barrel? Cracker Barrel should double pivot back.

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  I was hoping they didn't pivot so I could get another commercial.

• 1:01:27Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  You wanted to be the face of.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  I would easily do that. I love Cracker Barrel. I would support Cracker Barrel.

• 1:01:35Matt McCusker?

  What, they're, they have like a good, I knew people who like loved Cracker Barrel and I think it was like the cheddar, they got the, they got some good cheddar going on there, I believe.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  There was a Cracker Barrel right next to my house growing up.

• 1:01:45Matt McCusker?

  You used to hit it?

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Didn't hit it as much as I should have.

• 1:01:47Matt McCusker?

  They got biscuits, they got biscuits out on there?

• 1:01:48Speaker 01

  I probably went like once and it was like a 10 minute drive. There's nothing.

• 1:01:53Matt McCusker?

  I think I went to Cracker Barrel once as well.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  Right next to a Best Western and a pitching putt.

• 1:01:57Matt McCusker?

  Did you know anyone who's like, who like loves Cracker? I knew one person in my life who like loved Cracker Barrel.

• 1:02:02Speaker 01

  I've, I've hit a Cracker Barrel on the road and been like genuinely pumped.

• 1:02:05Matt McCusker?

  This place is decent.

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:06Speaker 04

  Wasn't, wasn't Cracker Barrel like a big candy? Like, isn't that their front you go?

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, some hard candy up front.

• 1:02:11Speaker 04

  That's all I remember. I went there, the gift shop.

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  Gift shop's popping.

• 1:02:14Matt McCusker?

  What'd they sell?

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Fucking rocking chairs, old toys.

• 1:02:17Speaker 00

  Beautiful dresses for chaste women.

• 1:02:19Speaker 04

  That rock candy, that's all I remember is that rock candy on the street.

• 1:02:22Speaker 01

  People like to put racism on Cracker Barrel and I don't like it.

• 1:02:24Matt McCusker?

  What was, what were they racist about?

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  I think.

• 1:02:27Speaker 04

  When I used to go as a virgin, it was full of black people.

• 1:02:30Speaker 00

  I have seen many black people waiting tables at the Cracker Barrel. That is not a racist establishment at all.

• 1:02:35Speaker 01

  Well, that's not how you say it.

• 1:02:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's.

• 1:02:37Speaker 00

  Is that not it? Is that not cool?

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  That would be the most racist.

• 1:02:40Speaker 00

  They're hiring black people.

• 1:02:41Matt McCusker?

  Ah, waiters.

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  They're giving jobs.

• 1:02:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and waiters kind of star of the show, to be honest.

• 1:02:47Speaker 00

  Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say something.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Well, it's okay. It's not that serious. Don't worry, dude. We're under the spotlight, though. The podcast wars.

• 1:03:04Speaker 00

  They go in the Austin comedy scene, except Shane Gillis, and then they move on. They always, they carve you out at the moment.

• 1:03:08Matt McCusker?

  Philly till I die, dude. They don't want the fucking ADL coming after them, dude.

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  They know I'm here. Yeah, true. Exactly. I might be Netanyahu from Philly. Yeah. God damn. I was in Ardmore. That was my last job. Fuck, I'm Netanyahu.

• 1:03:24Matt McCusker?

  Dearancestry.com. Connect you right to David.

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  I did. Went straight to David. I did my medieval dynasty. The first player was David.

• 1:03:36Matt McCusker?

  It'll blow over. It's a bunch of bullshit, man. A bunch of motherfucking bullshit.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.

• 1:03:42Matt McCusker?

  It is. It's deeply, deeply a bunch of bickering. I don't like it.

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  We've been together.

• 1:03:47Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

• 1:03:50Speaker 00

  Stop Austin hate. That's what I say.

• 1:03:53Speaker 01

  Stop Austin hate.

• 1:03:55Matt McCusker?

  Don't make, don't make it become Austin strong.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  Beating us up in the street, throwing us in front of fucking trains and shit. Stop Austin hate.

• 1:04:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. Who do you think's fucking, you think it's a New York comic who's been murdering everyone by Lady Bird Lake?

• 1:04:08Speaker 01

  Certain, without a doubt.

• 1:04:09Matt McCusker?

  She is fucking immature.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  Marc Maron is stalking the streets at night.

• 1:04:14Speaker 01

  Killing hacks.

• 1:04:17Speaker 01

  Slaying all the hacks.

• 1:04:20Matt McCusker?

  Say, he might be on Assassin's Creed. Just sits in the back of an open mic and goes.

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  I do respect, yeah, yeah. I do respect being old and just being like, fucking hacks. Everyone sucks. They're all fucking hacks. That could be the life cycle I'm in. Open mic'er I was sitting around going, everyone's a fucking hack piece of shit. They suck.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  What have you become? This is, yeah, this is what you've done since day one.

• 1:04:41Speaker 01

  Who have I called a hack?

• 1:04:42Speaker 00

  I've seen you up the back of comedy rooms.

• 1:04:44Speaker 01

  Okay, in private.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, no.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  In private, in private. You're very good in public, but. No, yeah.

• 1:04:49Speaker 00

  I'll be, I remember the, one of the first times we hung out, we were at the cellar and I was watching, and I said, this guy's good. You're like, it's cheap. Everything he does is cheap.

• 1:04:56Speaker 01

  No, I wouldn't say it like that.

• 1:04:59Speaker 00

  I remember being like, ah, he's gonna watch me at some point.

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  Who was it? Mic this up.

• 1:05:03Speaker 00

  I don't actually, I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you. I would never throw someone under the bus like that.

• 1:05:08Matt McCusker?

  True, not a brother.

• 1:05:09Speaker 01

  I suppose we're gonna edit the name out.

• 1:05:10Matt McCusker?

  I don't want to decide if I was right. Now, the Brotherhood will be back. The Brotherhood will be back. I, trust me, bro.

• 1:05:15Speaker 00

  But you will also call it, when a person is good and people dislike them in the scene, you will champion them in the reverse. You'll go,

• 1:05:21Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:05:21Speaker 00

  That guy's actually great and you don't know what you're talking about.

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, look at you.

• 1:05:26Speaker 00

  I walked into that. I walked right into that and I, I understand.

• 1:05:31Matt McCusker?

  You set a trap and fell right into it.

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, uh, no, if I'm sitting there saying somebody sucks on stage, it's usually because I'm about to go next and I'm nervous.

• 1:05:41Matt McCusker?

  That's a hype up for sure.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  Let me sit there going, this guy fucking sucks, dude. That's a bullshit hack, fucking trash. Fuck that. And then I get done with my side. I'm like, you did great, man. That was fucking really good.

• 1:05:51Matt McCusker?

  I'm really relieved right now. I'm ready to socialize.

• 1:05:53Speaker 00

  I actually, I wanna, I wanna bounce that with a positive anecdote because it was the same night that that happened. It was a comedian that you really liked that other people were shitting on. I won't say it. You got into it and I, I actually wanted to go home. I wanted to order the Uber and take us back, but you stood arguing for 90 minutes, uh, defending someone's comedic chops.

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 1:06:11Speaker 00

  Yes. Do you not remember that? I mean, you were, you'd had a few.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd had a few.

• 1:06:16Matt McCusker?

  Thank you for that, by the way.

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  No, hold on. Now we'll blank it out. Who was it?

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  Wow, wow.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, that's what you, yeah, if you, come on, man. That's just hanging around the cellar. That's just table stuff, you know?

• 1:06:27Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:06:28Speaker 01

  That's just being at the table.

• 1:06:29Matt McCusker?

  It's nice. That's the nice Templar. That's where that kind of talk belongs, dude. You can't, you can't take-

• 1:06:34Speaker 01

  You can't give it out to the civilians for free, dude.

• 1:06:36Matt McCusker?

  No, bro. You can't defuse the legendary hang, dude.

• 1:06:40Speaker 01

  So many fucking assassins down here.

• 1:06:45Matt McCusker?

  No, it'll, it'll cool down.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, let's talk about some-

• 1:06:47Matt McCusker?

  Once they replace all of our jobs with AI, we'll chill out. Hey, man, I'm sorry about what I said back in 2025.

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:53Speaker 00

  I've been getting the way, they've been giving me the Waymos for the first time.

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  I still haven't been in one.

• 1:06:57Speaker 00

  I'm waiting now. Once they crack, I think they, they eventually go, do you want one Waymo? And if you like it, then they just, nothing but Waymos.

• 1:07:03Matt McCusker?

  They're the new-

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  They suck.

• 1:07:05Matt McCusker?

  What's good with them?

• 1:07:06Speaker 03

  I hate the Waymos. Maybe because I just live far from the city. No, I didn't get banned.

• 1:07:10Matt McCusker?

  You got banned in a Waymo?

• 1:07:11Speaker 01

  Smoking, smoking cigs in a Waymo.

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  I got, I got away with that scot-free.

• 1:07:16Matt McCusker?

  You're all cam, are you?

• 1:07:17Speaker 03

  That's off record.

• 1:07:18Speaker 00

  But what were you doing in the Waymo?

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  I was smoking a cigarette in the Waymo, but I didn't get in trouble, but it takes too long. Maybe I live too far away from the city.

• 1:07:26Speaker 00

  They don't want to go on the freeway.

• 1:07:27Speaker 03

  But they can't go on the highway, so it'll take you like thirty minutes to do like a ten minute drive.

• 1:07:32Matt McCusker?

  How'd you smoke the cig?

• 1:07:34Speaker 03

  Opened up the window, lit it up.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  With the mouth?

• 1:07:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, with my butt.

• 1:07:40Matt McCusker?

  So you can't, because you're on cams, they couldn't see.

• 1:07:43Speaker 03

  They probably saw me, but.

• 1:07:44Matt McCusker?

  You gotta be on camera, right?

• 1:07:45Speaker 00

  They tell you you're on, we're watching you.

• 1:07:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And if you sat, I'd imagine if you sat right behind the seat up against it, you could in theory beat off in the Waymo.

• 1:07:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guarantee a lot of people have jacked off on us.

• 1:07:59Matt McCusker?

  I was thinking, it might be just like Jack Shacks.

• 1:08:01Speaker 03

  People drink beers in there, there'll be beers left in there. It seems like it's kind of just open season on those things.

• 1:08:06Matt McCusker?

  It sounds awesome for what you're describing.

• 1:08:08Speaker 03

  It's awesome, it just takes way too long and it drives me nuts when I'm.

• 1:08:11Speaker 00

  It's also weird to thank, I go, every time I go to get, I go, thank you, and I go, ah.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  Oh damn.

• 1:08:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I, Mike, they're like the new punch buggies for my kids. My kids see those and they're like, robot car.

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  I gotta be, I'm, I'm gonna be honest, I'm with your kids on that.

• 1:08:26Matt McCusker?

  It's, yeah.

• 1:08:27Speaker 01

  The first couple of times I saw the robot cars, I was like.

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  Driving by myself.

• 1:08:32Matt McCusker?

  Oh, oh, oh shit, fucking robot, look at that. Looking to verify, nobody's driving that.

• 1:08:37Speaker 01

  No one's driving that, that's, that's crazy. I'm gonna fucking flick it, I'm gonna swerve at it.

• 1:08:42Speaker 00

  I do that all the time, try and threaten the Waymo.

• 1:08:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I threaten the Waymo's. I threaten those fucking Waymo's.

• 1:08:47Speaker 03

  Sometimes they threaten you, they're not very good at driving still.

• 1:08:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:51Speaker 01

  You gotta take that, lying back to Australia though.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:08:54Speaker 01

  Waymo sounds like a nice fucking derogatory Australian term.

• 1:08:57Matt McCusker?

  It does.

• 1:08:57Speaker 01

  Get out of here, you fucking Waymo, fucking cunt Waymo. Look at you, fucking Waymo.

• 1:09:04Speaker 00

  It'd be nice to take some new slurs back, sadly we.

• 1:09:08Speaker 01

  You guys have good slurs.

• 1:09:09Speaker 00

  When I go back to, you know, whenever I go back, I'm gonna lose all my Australian things that I can say over here that no one understands.

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  But you can do American ones.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  I don't say, actually, forget that I. There's, we know all the American ones sadly.

• 1:09:21Matt McCusker?

  Ah, yeah, you do.

• 1:09:23Speaker 00

  Waymo and.

• 1:09:24Speaker 01

  Waymo is nice, take that.

• 1:09:26Speaker 00

  Back, not that I like saying that, is that a wetback? We don't call anybody that, we don't have.

• 1:09:30Speaker 01

  What did you think it was?

• 1:09:31Matt McCusker?

  Who the fuck you got?

• 1:09:32Speaker 00

  Good back, there's the South Park episode where the goo, they have goo on.

• 1:09:34Speaker 01

  What was the other one?

• 1:09:35Speaker 00

  A wetback?

• 1:09:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:09:37Speaker 00

  Terrible thing I'm told to call somebody.

• 1:09:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, you shouldn't say that.

• 1:09:40Speaker 00

  But our Latin Americans are all rich people, they flew over, we don't have any walk-in Latin Americans, we only have the Venezuelan soup.

• 1:09:46Speaker 01

  No walk-in.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  We've got boats and planes.

• 1:09:51Matt McCusker?

  Do you have an appointment, sir?

• 1:09:53Speaker 00

  Every Latin American person is an aristocrat in my country.

• 1:09:56Matt McCusker?

  In Australia?

• 1:09:57Speaker 00

  People who fled Venezuela because they were being cruel to the middle classes, they come out.

• 1:10:00Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:10:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:01Matt McCusker?

  Huh.

• 1:10:02Speaker 00

  It's a very fancy, rich, pale people.

• 1:10:04Matt McCusker?

  Venezuela is an, what's the other one? There's Venezuela and, um, fucking blanking on the name of the South American country where all the Nazis went.

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  Argentina.

• 1:10:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Argentina. Buenos Aires.

• 1:10:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I, that's, that's my waymo. Whenever I meet someone who's like, oh, they're Argentinian and they're like white, I go, I tap my wife, I'm like, this grandfather might have been a Nazi, don't freak out.

• 1:10:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:25Matt McCusker?

  I learned about that on a YouTube video. Shh, be cool.

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  That's.

• 1:10:29Matt McCusker?

  What did your grandparents do? Oh, fuck.

• 1:10:31Speaker 01

  They might have, I wonder if Argentina had natural honks, cause it's so far from the equator. But I don't know who walked there, or how the civilization started down there.

• 1:10:41Matt McCusker?

  Hmm. I never thought about their natural honks.

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  They might have have naturalized honks, just cause it's so far from the equator. It's like being from North America.

• 1:10:49Matt McCusker?

  Interesting.

• 1:10:49Speaker 01

  But then we didn't have any natural honks, yeah.

• 1:10:51Speaker 00

  Full honks.

• 1:10:52Speaker 01

  There were no natural honks on this hemisphere.

• 1:10:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, maybe Aryan wanderers from way back when.

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  True.

• 1:10:58Matt McCusker?

  Stuff of Nazi lore.

• 1:10:59Speaker 01

  From nineteen forty. Just some Aryan wanderers.

• 1:11:04Matt McCusker?

  It was superior, yeah, it was their technology.

• 1:11:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, Lionel Messi's awfully white.

• 1:11:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. Yeah, they, uh, dude, I, I didn't read the book, but I, I got it on my, um, what you call it? On my Audible and it's all about the Indo-European language and how it's like, it is kind of weird that English is kind of close in a way to Sanskrit and all those like Middle Eastern languages bear resemblance to English, which kind of.

• 1:11:29Speaker 00

  Well, then there's the weird, there's the Finns who seem to come from no- nowhere and the Hungarians, they have their weird thing. My favorite is the Pacific Islander peoples, which I.

• 1:11:38Matt McCusker?

  What about them?

• 1:11:38Speaker 00

  No one knows where they come from.

• 1:11:40Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 1:11:40Speaker 00

  They just appear.

• 1:11:41Speaker 01

  Or how they keep getting on other islands, dude, they're just fucking.

• 1:11:43Matt McCusker?

  Wayfinders, bro, the rafts. Put your hand in the water.

• 1:11:46Speaker 01

  No, I know, but.

• 1:11:47Speaker 00

  Bro, it's got off Wana.

• 1:11:49Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, but I mean, they were just getting on fucking tree made fucking canoes and going.

• 1:11:53Speaker 00

  They made it to Madagascar.

• 1:11:54Speaker 01

  They made it so far.

• 1:11:55Matt McCusker?

  It's fucking crazy, man.

• 1:11:57Speaker 01

  Impossibly far.

• 1:11:58Matt McCusker?

  It's fucked up. When you see the raft technology, it's pretty insane.

• 1:12:02Speaker 01

  And then to just get there and go, all right.

• 1:12:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, fired up.

• 1:12:04Speaker 01

  Let's get some, hopefully they brought a woman.

• 1:12:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they probably had a couple. Couple babes.

• 1:12:11Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 1:12:11Speaker 00

  Way down the butt. The, uh.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  All right, let's switch over to the Patreon. That's a disgusting way to end it.

• 1:12:18Speaker 00

  I love Pacific Island peoples.

• 1:12:20Speaker 01

  Goodbye.

• 1:12:21Speaker 00

  My wife is Samoan.

• 1:12:24Speaker 05

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