Why 70% of Relationships End in The First Year w/ Sadia Khan

The Summit of Greatness is back! Buy your tickets today – summitofgreatness.com – After graduating in psychology and completing masters in developmental psychology Sadia began teaching in inner London schools amongst children of deprived backgrounds. She then went on to teach privileged students in Dubai and noticed not only the economic but psychological advantage wealth provides children when their parents can access therapy. Sadia decided to complete her studies in psychotherapy and decided to post a few videos online mainly to make therapy accessible to those who may struggle to afford it and to make therapy more digestible to those who may not understand the concept. The videos blew up and changed her career path to online therapist, podcaster and content creator racking over 100 million views online. In this episode you will learn,The #1 reason why men and women struggle to keep relationships and why narcissistic behaviors are so prevalent in dating today. Why women cheat more than men and the root cause of infidelity. The importance of self control when searching for a long term relationship. Practical advice to enhance your dating confidence, providing you with strategies to feel more self-assured on a first date. Strategies to handle commitment issues, enabling you to navigate this critical phase of relationships and lay the groundwork for a strong and enduring partnership. Buy Sadia's book - https://amzn.to/3OVV2meFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1491For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960Want more relationship episodes like this one? Sheleana Aiyana - https://link.chtbl.com/1436-podLewis Howes solo episode on relationships - https://link.chtbl.com/1450-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection. I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Josprey Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero, and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com/summit2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there.

• 1:01Sadia Khan?

  Now, when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have, we are then going to punish them for everything they do.

• 1:09Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh, that's the worst feeling.

• 1:10Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately, you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create, but you don't even tell them your diagnosis. And as a result, it's destined for failure.

• 1:22Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:46Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Sadia Khan in the house, who is an incredible online coach, therapist, psychologist, and some of this has really been taking off lately online with your relationship expert, expertise with your content. And I'm so excited that you're here. So thank you for being here all the way from Dubai.

• 2:07Sadia Khan?

  Yes, so specifically for this. So thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

• 2:12Lewis Howes?

  We're excited. I saw a stat online recently that said 75% of relationships fail within the first, right after the first year.

• 2:21Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 2:22Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if that's an accurate stat, but it just seems like people are struggling in relationships in a in a new relationship. They're struggling finding a great partner when they start dating.

• 2:32Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 2:33Lewis Howes?

  They're struggling trying to figure out, is this the right partner for me? They're struggling to figure out their own wounds and how their uh, you know, their traumas interact with someone else's traumas and is there a good match? All these different things cause people to struggle in relationships and break up within the first year, it seems like. Why do you think people are struggling more than ever today to have a healthy, happy relationship?

• 2:56Sadia Khan?

  I would say it's the illusion of options that we've got today that we've never had before in the form of online dating, social media and pornography. What that means is when we enter relationships, we're almost assessing if that partner is worthy of us. And there's almost an element of narcissism when we walk in, we're like, can I get better? Can I get the most I can get? Is this the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had? And if that person doesn't tick every single box off, instead of reflecting on what you need to heal and what you need to bring to the table and how you can help this relationship survive, we simply replace them with the illusion of options. Even if we don't have alternatives, we think we do. So we let go far quicker than we previously would have.

• 3:39Lewis Howes?

  Really? What do you think we should be asking ourselves about the person we want to date? You know, because it sounds like we want to have every box ticked, like they have to be perfect and they have to be funny and they have to be rich and they have to be good looking and they need a good education.

• 3:53Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 3:54Lewis Howes?

  But what should we really be asking ourselves before we start dating someone?

• 3:58Sadia Khan?

  How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship?

• 4:02Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 4:02Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, I think that's the first and foremost conversation to have with yourself.

• 4:07Lewis Howes?

  How are my insecurities going to ruin this relationship?

• 4:10Sadia Khan?

  How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship?

• 4:12Lewis Howes?

  Why is that the question we should ask ourselves?

• 4:14Sadia Khan?

  Because we go into a relationship almost blind to our own wounds and they resurface in the relationship and we blame them for not providing the medication of a wound that existed before we met them.

• 4:26Lewis Howes?

  That's so true.

• 4:27Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, so what I mean by that is say, for example, you grew up financially insecure and you meet a partner who's actually really nice to you, but you might not be able to soothe all your financial insecurities. You immediately think he's not good enough. Or you go into a relationship being addicted to pornography and then you meet a woman who's actually just at your right level, but you're so used to a hyper-sexualized promiscuous woman that you find her boring. Or you go into a relationship not being able to communicate and then you meet somebody else who's not also communicating and you don't voice your concerns. So I would say, ask yourself, how are your insecurities going to ruin this relationship? And how do I create a buffer so that doesn't occur?

• 5:06Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, so when we're aware, because a lot of us, we go into relationships not thinking where we have insecurities or that we're broken. We're usually like, well, the previous relationship didn't work because of them.

• 5:16Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:17Lewis Howes?

  It was their fault, they did this, but really it always comes back to us. We chose something, we didn't see something early on, we let something slide, we didn't create a boundary, we abandoned ourselves, we didn't communicate consciously, whatever it is.

• 5:29Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:30Lewis Howes?

  Um, we let things slide too often, but we don't take a look unless for me, there's enough pain

• 5:38Sadia Khan?

  Oh.

• 5:39Lewis Howes?

  to say, okay, here's all this stuff I don't like about me.

• 5:42Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:42Lewis Howes?

  Here's all my insecurities, all my baggage, all my trauma, all my challenges. The reason why I keep causing pain in relationship. Why it doesn't keep working is because of me.

• 5:54Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:54Lewis Howes?

  Whoever the person is, right?

• 5:56Sadia Khan?

  You're the common denominator.

• 5:57Lewis Howes?

  You're the common denominator. So, once we take inventory of our personal insecurities, how can we then create a buffer going into a relationship so we don't self-sabotage?

• 6:09Sadia Khan?

  Uh, we make sure that we are trying to heal those wounds without expecting that person to break their back to help us heal. So what I mean by that is if I know I have an issue with jealousy. I'm trying to work on it, but at the same time, the person doesn't have to break their back to make sure I feel soothed, okay. I pick consciously, I pick really well because I know that's a wounded mind. But I also learn to embrace and trust the process. Now, when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have. We are then going to punish them for everything they do.

• 6:42Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh, that's the worst feeling.

• 6:44Sadia Khan?

  I honestly, and I've done it many times.

• 6:45Lewis Howes?

  You've done it in relationships.

• 6:47Sadia Khan?

  Of course.

• 6:48Lewis Howes?

  I've had that experience to myself, relationships is not fun.

• 6:51Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately, you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create. But you don't even tell them your diagnosis. And as a result, it's destined for failure.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  And they're not the expert at healing that wound.

• 7:05Sadia Khan?

  And they didn't cause it.

• 7:06Lewis Howes?

  And they didn't cause it.

• 7:07Sadia Khan?

  They didn't cause it.

• 7:08Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many, I'm not going to generalize, but it seems like a lot of women that you hear about with content online.

• 7:14Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 7:15Lewis Howes?

  Why do we see so many women

• 7:20Lewis Howes?

  causing frustration in their relationship when they start dating a man based on a wound that someone else did?

• 7:26Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 7:27Lewis Howes?

  Not the man in front of them.

• 7:28Sadia Khan?

  And because we've created a generation of narcissistic women. And what's happened is the rise of social media and the rise of online dating and the rise of feminism has taught women that they are not to blame for any poor choices. Every poor choice is glamorized. So if you want to be a sex worker, it's great. If you want to post in bikini pictures online, it's fine. If you want to be in it. Every poor choice is glamorized and every internal reflection is seen as gaslighting yourself. So they've even got terms for internal reflection to prevent it happening. And so what will happen is they are trained to not reflect on themselves because we've been told we've been oppressed for so many years. Now it's time to make sure we project.

• 8:10Sadia Khan?

  And so we don't take any accountability. And as a result, when we get into relationships, if we don't feel completely soothed all the time. He must be a narcissist. He must be a manipulator. He must be gaslighting. He, he, he, rather than I, I, I. And unfortunately, we've got an online market that caters to that wounded woman, that caters to that entitled woman and caters to that narcissistic woman. And it's so wild to me that so many women talk about narcissism, but the society today is just catering to narcissistic women. If I post a picture online, a bikini picture online, there's nothing my husband can do that could compete with that level of accolade.

• 8:49Lewis Howes?

  Tension.

• 8:50Sadia Khan?

  Impossible.

• 8:51Lewis Howes?

  The compliments, the attention, the messaging, the you're so sexy and beautiful, and all these different things from thousands or potentially millions of men.

• 8:59Sadia Khan?

  Around the world.

• 9:00Lewis Howes?

  Who have money and all these things.

• 9:02Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and there's nothing he can do. He can't post online and get the same reaction. And more so, he can't give me the same level of validation. So what's happened is we've created a setup in society that means men have to compete with a level of validation they can't compete with. And if they go online, if they join Tinder, that night, they can have so many more options than a man can because we've got filters and we've got all of these. Again, I really am privy to this myself. I'm not, I'm a filter queen. So the things I can do to manipulate male validation.

• 9:34Lewis Howes?

  To get more attention from men.

• 9:36Sadia Khan?

  Just soothe myself and remind myself I'm above this. I don't need him. I can replace him. It's something men actually can't do, so they have to rely on pornography for that. They replace us with pornography and we replace them with likes and comments on social media.

• 9:50Lewis Howes?

  Wow. How did this happen? Like, why do you, why do you think, is this a values thing, a lack of values thing? Is this a, okay, if I feel wounded or I feel some type of trauma, I need an emotional release and so this makes me feel good and then it's just a slippery slope into more and more? What's the, where does this, how does this start and when does it end?

• 10:10Sadia Khan?

  I think it comes from the fact that we've created a culture that whenever there's a problem, there's a temporary solution that doesn't get rid of the root. So what I mean by that is if there's a problem with intimacy for men and they're not getting women, there's pornography. If there's a problem of low self-esteem in women because they don't have meaning and purpose, they can post a few pictures online. We've created a way of solving problems that doesn't get rid of the root. So we're always seeking highs and the problem with highs is they come with lows. So you end up having more problems, more low self-esteem, and then seeking bigger highs to get that kind of back to neutral state. So I think the problem comes with problems being solved by seeking highs and a real focus on kind

• 10:53Sadia Khan?

  of values that are very empty, empty materialistic values. So you are a beautiful, high-value woman if you're really, really beautiful, and you're a high-value man now if you are really, really rich. But there's nothing to do with connection and intimacy that now gives us status. And so, and I think that's come from social media mainly.

• 11:12Lewis Howes?

  Where does this lead over the next three to five years with this narcissistic, you know, society, I guess, that's been built in this way?

• 11:22Lewis Howes?

  What happens for people in relationships? Are people able to find intimacy and connection and stay committed?

• 11:27Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 11:28Lewis Howes?

  And be actually happy and in a healthy relationship? Or is it only going to get worse?

• 11:32Sadia Khan?

  It leads to intense and pervasive loneliness, unfortunately.

• 11:36Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 11:36Sadia Khan?

  And it probably will only get worse. Unfortunately, until we wake up to the impact of technology, both on men and women, it's going to lead to a complete identity crisis, external kind of extrinsic values that don't benefit anybody, which then manifest in depression, loneliness, self-inflicted depression, loneliness. Yeah, when I say low depression loneliness, it's not like, um, I, I have a disease or anything. It's self-inflicted through poor choices. So unfortunately, it's going to lead to, uh, men not being able to commit to women because they can get all of the joys of sexual relationships without having to invest. And women not being able to commit to men because they can get all the validation of male attention without having to adapt and change themselves

• 12:19Sadia Khan?

  according to the needs of the relationship.

• 12:22Lewis Howes?

  What happens when men and women never commit?

• 12:26Sadia Khan?

  Um, they find themselves in a unable to put somebody else's well-being above their own. So we're creating people who are entirely individualistic, deprived of responsibility and unable to care and nurture for others because they're not putting somebody else's well-being above theirs. When you are unable to commit, essentially you wake up every single day saying, what do I want to do? What do I want to do today? And as nice and freeing as that is, it deprives you of human responsibility. And in order to truly become something, uh, we're designed to be responsible. We're designed to be valuable. We're designed to serve others. This is how we've evolved. So becoming completely individualistic leads to a sense of lonely narcissism.

• 13:08Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 13:09Sadia Khan?

  I believe.

• 13:10Lewis Howes?

  What is the generate? What is the age generation of, in your opinion, of the highest? Amount of narcissistic men and women. Is it people from fifteen to twenty-two? Is it twenties to thirties? Like, what is the age group that you see as the most extreme narcissist?

• 13:26Sadia Khan?

  I would imagine it would be from fifteen to twenty-five. This is without actual any research on to. I'd imagine so because they're raised to serve their desires, not serve others. We have raised children to serve themselves in every way, shape and form. So whether that is through, you know, pornographic interviews, sending each other Snapchats of each other nude. This is something that was alien, like in our generation, it was unheard of. But the average twelve-year-old is now put under pressure to send nudes to the other average. And one thing I have raised-

• 13:58Lewis Howes?

  Really, twelve-year-olds?

• 13:59Sadia Khan?

  Twelve-year-olds. I used to be a teacher, so I used to experience this a lot where children-

• 14:03Lewis Howes?

  Twelve-year-olds just sending nudes on Snapchat to each other?

• 14:05Sadia Khan?

  Sending nude to each other. Yeah, coerced to all volunteer it, volunteer.

• 14:09Lewis Howes?

  Just to get more attention, right?

• 14:11Sadia Khan?

  Yeah. And what's so weird is when you work with children, you, we're always told, told about predators and we're always told about sexual assault from old predators. But you'd be so surprised at the level and age of sexual predators now. They're aged between twelve and fifteen now. Twelve to fifteen-year-olds are now becoming predatory because they're so saturated by sex that they've dehumanized connection and they see it as part of growing up.

• 14:37Lewis Howes?

  Well, I mean, why would a twelve or thirteen or fifteen-year-old girl send a nude to another twelve, thirteen or fifteen-year-old boy?

• 14:44Sadia Khan?

  Because they're growing up with role models who post on OnlyFans. They're growing up being told that you don't actually need an education. You can make fifty thousand dollars a month if you just post the right pictures online. So when you are told that and you are bored to death in a maths class and you're being told to learn, like, you know, about parameters of a rectangle that you don't care about, or you can see a really sexy girl talk about how much money she's making. Where is a child going to go? Particularly when they're not raised in a home or environment which boosts their self-esteem and emphasizes internal morals. So why are our children going to go? It's not their fault at all.

• 15:27Sadia Khan?

  It's the society we've created and what we've glamorized and highlighted for children.

• 15:31Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting because Martha, my girlfriend, she'll say that my, that her dad did a really great job when she was, you know, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, when boys started to show attention, right?

• 15:41Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 15:42Lewis Howes?

  He did a really great job, I'm paraphrasing what she told me, that he used to say, listen, guys are gonna tell you you're beautiful, you already know that.

• 15:51Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 15:51Lewis Howes?

  So don't be wowed when they say you're beautiful, you're pretty, you look attractive.

• 15:56Sadia Khan?

  I know.

• 15:57Lewis Howes?

  Know that you have other values to contribute. And if they don't see those other things, then, okay, just they're friends, you know? But don't buy into that type of game.

• 16:06Sadia Khan?

  Don't let that be the most interesting thing about you. And what I find a little bit strange about being online is I'll get a lot of comments about my makeup and my appearance, or whatever it is, which is very, very nice. But I didn't understand why that would even be part of the conversation. And I would imagine it's because they assume that if you have a certain appearance, why would you even bother working on your education? Because they almost see it as binary. If you've got one, you don't need the other. But you absolutely need the other. You absolutely, because it's the only thing that will exist forever. Your looks is the only depreciating asset you have.

• 16:41Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 16:41Sadia Khan?

  So why would you wanna derive your value from it and your self-esteem from it? It's, we know it's depreciating.

• 16:47Lewis Howes?

  Because what happens when the looks start to fade in women who've only put their value in their physical appearance, what happens?

• 16:54Sadia Khan?

  Well, what happens is they end up with men who are equally shallow. Here's the thing, if I'm just a pretty face, I'm gonna end up with a man who only likes pretty faces. Now, the reality is that man is so easily distracted with the next pretty face and the next twenty-five-year-old and the next... So what will happen is you're in a constant competition with people you can't compete with for the rest of your life. And similarly, if I was somebody who just sold sex and just, I'm going to find a man who's addicted to sex. And men that are addicted to sex will always want novelty, you'll never be enough. So reality is when you create your identity on something so fragile, you attract somebody who's also very fragile, and then you end up in a lonely cycle, unfortunately.

• 17:38Sadia Khan?

  Whereas when you develop something deep, you attract someone deeper and your connection tends to be more long-lasting, God willing, it tends to be more long-lasting.

• 17:45Lewis Howes?

  Right. I think I heard you share recently, online, something about...

• 17:51Lewis Howes?

  Like financial connection and emotional connection.

• 17:54Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 17:55Lewis Howes?

  Can you explain more about that?

• 17:57Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, I think what's happening, unfortunately, men are being indoctrinated into thinking that as long as you provide financially, you can get the hottest girl in the world. And as a result, you you're a high value man and you you've made it. But essentially, when you leave with finances, you attract a woman who's emotionally detached. Because emotionally present women, finances does not compensate for lack of quality time. No matter how rich a man is, she wants quality time. Whereas emotionally detached women, they don't care if you're gone for six months on a business trip. As long as they've got a bag and a house and a Rolls Royce and whatever it is. So when you're that man, you're gonna attract that woman. So you think I'm providing her with everything, she's not gonna go anywhere. She's thinking you provided me with everything, now I can go somewhere.

• 18:41Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 18:42Sadia Khan?

  So you're actually, you you blur yourself into a false sense of security. A lot of really successful men will look at a woman, think I've given her everything, she's not gonna go anywhere. She, because she's got external kind of extrinsic value, she's thinking, I've now got everything from this guy. Where do I go next?

• 18:57Lewis Howes?

  What more can I get?

• 18:58Sadia Khan?

  What more can I get?

• 18:59Lewis Howes?

  From somewhere else.

• 19:00Sadia Khan?

  From somewhere else. And so unfortunately.

• 19:02Lewis Howes?

  Why is there not loyalty when a financially, you know, a stable man is able to provide finances to their partner? Why is that loyalty not there?

• 19:14Sadia Khan?

  Because they, the glue of the relationship is broken.

• 19:17Lewis Howes?

  Superficial.

• 19:18Sadia Khan?

  It's superficial. The glue they used was superficial. The glue he that he's relying on is physical attraction and the glue she's relying is financial stability. The glue is weak. Whereas if the glue was emotional intimacy, absolutely you can get loyalty. You can't beat emotional intimacy when it comes to loyalty. Once you have emotional intimacy, you you really, it's very difficult for somebody to be your competition. Because they know you in a way that nobody else can, and you can be vulnerable in a way nobody else can. But when you deprive your relationship of emotional intimacy, every single person is your competition. And this is something these people with junk values don't realize.

• 19:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:55Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately. But did you find that hard? Like, I mean, being so financially successful, did you find it would attract the wrong kind of women?

• 20:04Lewis Howes?

  Uh, yeah, I've always been in relationships.

• 20:07Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 20:07Lewis Howes?

  And so. You know, I wasn't like single for three years and was like just attracting everyone. I was kind of like, I I loved intimacy. So I was more like diving into a commitment as quickly as I if I found someone like I felt like, okay, maybe there's something here. But it just seems like with the content I see online and what I'm hearing from stories from people in the dating world

• 20:28Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Lewis Howes?

  who've gone through divorce and breakups like it is a struggle out there.

• 20:33Sadia Khan?

  It is a struggle.

• 20:34Lewis Howes?

  It's what I'm hearing. And I don't know if that's just certain cities in America or if that's globally or if it's different in other countries.

• 20:40Sadia Khan?

  Is it like that in L A? It's very much like that.

• 20:42Lewis Howes?

  I think it's I think it's extreme in L A, obviously.

• 20:44Sadia Khan?

  Extreme, yeah. And unfortunately, because I come from Dubai and I live in London and stuff like that, I I focus on the extremities. I know in simple villages, this doesn't happen.

• 20:52Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 20:53Sadia Khan?

  But unfortunately, um, I'm not privy to that. They they tend to be healthy and they don't even watch my content.

• 20:58Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 20:59Sadia Khan?

  They're they're happy and they got their kids and they walk their dogs. The people that watch are the ones that's struggling and they usually similar kind of issues. There's only three or four issues that all my clients will have.

• 21:07Lewis Howes?

  What is that?

• 21:08Sadia Khan?

  Um, infidelity, um, uh, men using, uh, men in very much, uh, infidelity on part of the woman.

• 21:16Lewis Howes?

  Women cheat more than men?

• 21:18Sadia Khan?

  Far more.

• 21:18Lewis Howes?

  Come on.

• 21:19Sadia Khan?

  Far, far more.

• 21:20Lewis Howes?

  Come on.

• 21:21Sadia Khan?

  Far, far, and then.

• 21:22Lewis Howes?

  Why do you say women cheat more than men?

• 21:24Sadia Khan?

  Um, because they're in denial about the infidelity. When they cheat, they don't even label it as that. When if a woman starts cheating.

• 21:31Lewis Howes?

  What are they labeled as?

• 21:32Sadia Khan?

  They label it as my husband's no longer satisfying me. They won't even say I'm cheating. They'll say my husband isn't satisfied. They find a way to redirect and shift the terminology so that they are void of guilt.

• 21:45Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 21:45Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely.

• 21:46Lewis Howes?

  So how do how do we know women are cheating more than men? What is it like? Is this public knowledge? Is there surveys? Or are you just hearing this from the people you're coaching?

• 21:54Sadia Khan?

  The people I'm coaching, because firstly, you'll know, it's simple signs that you'll know. Firstly, when the guy, I I always say infidelity is a result of men not being masculine and women not being feminine. And what I mean by this is if a woman is cheating, it's because she has a man that accepts unacceptable because he is unwilling to walk away when his boundaries are broken. So what will happen is when women meet that man with a good woman with good morals and this, she doesn't want that man. She's like, I don't want a week.

• 22:25Lewis Howes?

  She'll, she'll leave.

• 22:26Sadia Khan?

  She'll leave. She'll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that suit her morals. But a woman who-

• 22:30Lewis Howes?

  But she won't cheat because she'll have the values of like, this isn't working, it's sad.

• 22:34Sadia Khan?

  No, I don't want somebody this week.

• 22:35Lewis Howes?

  While I'm with you.

• 22:36Sadia Khan?

  No desire to cheat. She's not a sexual being, yeah? And that's, she's looking for somebody who can lead a household. But the woman who is planning to come home late all the time and planning to go on a bunch of holidays and planning to keep in touch with her ex and planning to post a bunch of provocative pictures online, he's perfect. He's perfect, perfect, perfect, because he'll maybe pay for everything, he'll maybe sort the house out, maybe give her the kids. He's perfect. So that agreeable-

• 22:59Lewis Howes?

  And she can keep getting the validation from all these other men in certain ways.

• 23:02Sadia Khan?

  Whoever she wants. And he'll say, oh babe, I don't really like that bikini picture. And she'll say, stop oppressing me. And that will be the end of the conversation. And that, she'll carry on doing what she wants. And he'll say, oh, you're gonna come home today? I'll come home when I want. And that's what, he'll, he'll say, okay. And because she recognizes he doesn't have the willingness to walk away. When the man isn't masculine, his, his days are numbered. His days and good women filter themselves off away from men that are too agreeable. Now, when women get cheated on, again, it's a lack of femininity. And what I mean by that is honestly, what I noticed with married men that cheat, it's not that they love somebody else so much, or they, they found someone more beautiful. They simply have a wife that is no longer catering to their needs in any way, shape or form. So-

• 23:46Lewis Howes?

  What type of needs? Their sexual needs, their intimacy needs, their supportive needs?

• 23:51Sadia Khan?

  All kinds of needs. So what I mean by that, it could be as simple as, there's a coffee ready because you're going to work. Or it could be as deep as, I haven't slept with you in six months. It's, his needs no longer matter. And it's really difficult. I understand when you have kids and stuff like that, it becomes difficult.

• 24:05Lewis Howes?

  Is it when he feels his needs don't matter, or he's communicating what he wants and she's not willing to provide that?

• 24:11Sadia Khan?

  He is saying it.

• 24:11Lewis Howes?

  He's saying it and she's just like, I don't have time for this, or she's busy or whatever.

• 24:15Sadia Khan?

  He's often saying it, but she's also not predicting his needs. And that's part of femininity. Part of femininity is, I know he's coming home, let me just warm up a bit of food. Or I know that he's got work at an early start, let me just iron that shirt quickly because he's gonna make a mess if he does it. And it's part of femininity.

• 24:30Lewis Howes?

  What would the feminist movement say to that? I'm just curious.

• 24:33Sadia Khan?

  They would argue that it's not your, he's not a baby. That's what they would say. Men are not babies. But here's the reality, they are. In a lot of ways, they are. They're not always- They really are.

• 24:44Lewis Howes?

  I can be a baby sometimes, but yeah.

• 24:45Sadia Khan?

  You know what it is, it's something about, I don't understand this myself, but there's something about that they could be hungry or whatever it is, but when their wife makes them a meal, it tastes totally different to whatever you could order, or whatever they could order themselves. Or when their wife.

• 24:59Lewis Howes?

  There's a love to it, there's a, there's a support behind it.

• 25:02Sadia Khan?

  Being seen, it's being seen in a way that nobody else sees them. There's something about like, of course you can make your own coffee in the morning, but there's something about your wife just putting it there without you asking for it, that just makes you feel seen. Now, what I notice is when women forget to do that, they create, they set the tone for a man to now go towards escorts. And I'll tell you why, because they're almost creating a transactional relationship. They're making him feel like an ATM anyway. If, yeah.

• 25:30Lewis Howes?

  Right, he's like, I'm not getting my needs met.

• 25:32Sadia Khan?

  I'm paying for everything.

• 25:33Lewis Howes?

  I'm paying for everything, and I'm being disrespected maybe, or whatever.

• 25:37Sadia Khan?

  I'm an ATM.

• 25:38Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 25:39Sadia Khan?

  I'm already an ATM.

• 25:40Lewis Howes?

  Whether that's okay or not to think that way, that's just the interpretation.

• 25:43Sadia Khan?

  That's the way he sees it. So if I'm coming home and she doesn't even notice I'm there, she's never cooked a meal, she's never asked me how my day is, but I'm paying for everything and I'm giving her a great life, I'm already on ATM. I might as well be an ATM to somebody who's gonna touch me and kiss me and look at me.

• 25:57Lewis Howes?

  Serve my sexual needs or something, yeah.

• 25:58Sadia Khan?

  Exactly, who's gonna look at me.

• 25:59Lewis Howes?

  At least pretend.

• 26:00Sadia Khan?

  At least, even if I.

• 26:01Lewis Howes?

  At least act for an hour, right?

• 26:03Sadia Khan?

  Exactly, and the worst thing is escorts and sugar babies and stuff, they know this man's been deprived of attention, so they know exactly what to say to these men to have them party in their hands. If I wanted to, I would know exactly what to say to him. If I was an escort, I would know exactly what to say to him.

• 26:19Lewis Howes?

  Just how to touch him, how to connect with him, how to be there for him.

• 26:22Sadia Khan?

  Do you need a coffee, do you take two sugars or one? That some men haven't heard that in years from their wives.

• 26:27Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:27Sadia Khan?

  They haven't heard that in years. Do you want me to rub your shoulders? They haven't heard that in years from their wives. And these are men that work hard and do that, this, I'm not saying they're justified, but this is, they build a resentment. So when women get cheated on, it's their lack of femininity, and when men get cheated on, it's their lack of masculinity, and people hate me for this because what they wanna say is, I was cheated on because my ex was a narcissist. But the infidelity is a dynamic. I'm nothing. There are compulsive cheaters. But even in that process, you select that compulsive cheater. They show you the signs anyway. Yeah, like if I'm a woman without boundaries. Oh, no, because he comes home late, he's sloppy, I'll know something. But the reality is, and people always come for me now, you're victim blaming. But no, this is not what we're doing here.

• 27:12Sadia Khan?

  The reality is, people shouldn't cheat, but also thieves shouldn't steal. But I have to lock my doors. I have to. I have to protect myself. Similarly, people shouldn't cheat, but I have to lock my doors. I have to at least ensure I'm creating a dynamic that creates enough intimacy where they don't need to. If they then go on to, at least I know I did everything. But if I don't cover the basics, of course, it's gonna lead to.

• 27:35Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 27:35Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, of course.

• 27:36Lewis Howes?

  So I hear a lot about this high value man and high value women and all these things online. You know, and the high value man is someone who's making over six figures and over six feet tall and whatever it is.

• 27:45Sadia Khan?

  Like Mr. How's over here. Yeah.

• 27:49Lewis Howes?

  But what is it that men can do to become more high value than just their financial abundance and their height? How can they be a high value man? Whether they have money or they have height or any of that stuff?

• 28:05Sadia Khan?

  Have complete and utter self-control. And what I mean by that is you try and control your mind, body and soul in a way that would lead to positive long-term outcomes for you as a man. If you get to the gym and you eat right, your long-term body will appreciate that. If you save your money, you don't waste it on alcohol and carbs and this and the other. Your long-term self who will be able to invest in Netflix, not Netflix, NFTs and all that. Whatever it is that businesses, your long-term self will appreciate that. If you're able to dedicate some time to some spirituality or something to disconnect from this world, your long-term anxiety will appreciate that. So a man who has complete and utter self-control

• 28:49Sadia Khan?

  and makes responsible decisions that serve him in the long run is truly high value. Somebody who can resist short-term desires and short-term temptations for long-term goals. Who can shake a man like that?

• 29:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:01Sadia Khan?

  A man who can resist having sex with every single woman because he doesn't want to get the wrong woman pregnant. Who can, who could shake a man like that? Whereas a man with no self-control, the, you know, any woman can distract him. Any money can distract him. Any opportunity can distract him. He is malleable. That does, you can't be high valuable, high value and malleable at the same time. So it's having an identity that's constructed on self-control that will make you high value. It doesn't matter how tall you are, how short you are, how rich you are, how broke you are. If you've got no self-control, you're a weak man, unfortunately. It's very difficult to have self-control, but if they can master it, they're incredible.

• 29:39Lewis Howes?

  So what I'm hearing you say is women should really be looking for that quality and the partner they're choosing.

• 29:44Sadia Khan?

  Self-control.

• 29:45Lewis Howes?

  Okay, he's tall, dark and handsome, or whatever it is these days. And I guess women are more into like the skinny, like artistic guy, whatever. It's always like changing, right? But he's a certain look and he's got a certain amount of money. He's a high value man.

• 29:58Sadia Khan?

  If he hasn't got self-control, he's a liability to you and your children. Yeah, and you have to remember that.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  What happens when you get in a relationship with a man who on paper looks like they have everything? Great career, they've got money, they've got the car, they've got the house, they're put together, dressed well, groomed, perfect height, you know, all these different things, great friends, great network, but they lack self-control. What will happen down the line, relationship, marriage, kids?

• 30:30Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately, what that might look like is if you lack self-control, it might look like indulging with other women. It might look like gambling your money away. It might look like eating and consuming the wrong kind of drugs or whatever it is. A lack of self-control will lead to a man down a path where he will no longer be able to recognize himself.

• 30:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 30:51Sadia Khan?

  Whereas self-control, he has a consistent identity from the day he's born until the day he dies. Because he dictates his future, even if he wants to have a day of no control, it was his choice. It was genuinely his choice. If it's one or two days where he wants to get drunk and he wants, it's, but he's not, he's not subject to the environment or to be people and to everybody else.

• 31:09Lewis Howes?

  He's not influenced by his surroundings.

• 31:11Sadia Khan?

  He's influenced by his, what his long-term goals are. And if he's got like, tomorrow I don't have to start early, I'm going to get drunk today. Or you know what, I'm single, I'm just gonna, you know, today I'm just gonna do what I want to do. No, I'm not judging that because it's an element of self-control. But when it's like, oh my God, I'm so stressed, I need to watch pornography. Oh my God, I'm so this. Unfortunately, that man is self-destructive. And you can't have children with self-destructive men, unfortunately. Similarly with having women.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 31:37Sadia Khan?

  I don't mean it's just for men. You cannot have children with people who are self-destructive because it's contagious. And it will then go on to the children and so on and so forth. And so many people forget this when they're selecting partners.

• 31:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I mean, and I want to get to the women's side here, like what the, what a high-value woman is and should be defined by. But you really can't change your partner that much.

• 32:01Sadia Khan?

  No, absolutely not.

• 32:02Lewis Howes?

  Once someone has chosen, this is my identity, this is who I am. They have to be the ones to say, I want to improve, grow, transform, heal, change. But not, you're not going to be able to influence them over and over to be exactly what you want. So if you try, if you think I'm going to get married to this person, then I'm going to control them. It's going to be, they're going to be miserable when you're controlling them and trying to change them.

• 32:24Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely. And also, you've shown them that you accept their unacceptable behavior. So they can't change and respect you. So let's say, for example, I choose a man who's a compulsive gambler. I've already chosen him. He already knows I have low boundaries. So I've, I've already shown him I accept the unacceptable. So say if tomorrow he became a really great guy, he's not going to want me. He's going to outgrow this woman with no boundaries who accepts the unacceptable. Women think he's going to be like, oh, I'm so grateful to my ride or die. He's really going to be like, I've outgrown this person, as he should. Because he shouldn't be with a woman that accepts the unacceptable because she's not incompatible with the new him. Same thing with men and women.

• 33:03Lewis Howes?

  She might feel like inferior as he's transforming and growing if she's not willing to do it together with him.

• 33:08Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, absolutely. There was no boundaries. And, yeah, and we, it's like, it's like when you have a manager at work that lets you come in late, lets you, you know, drink on the job, lets you take days off. If one day they stamp their authority, you're going to be like, I'm not listening to you. But when you decide to be better at your job, you're going to want a new workplace because you want better manager, you want better structure. So same thing happens in all human connections, unfortunately.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. You got to create that standard and stick to it.

• 33:36Sadia Khan?

  You've got to stick to it, unfortunately.

• 33:37Lewis Howes?

  So it seems to me that.

• 33:41Lewis Howes?

  And correct me if I'm wrong, that in today's society, a high value woman is someone who is beautiful, attractive, has a, you know, young body.

• 33:51Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 33:52Lewis Howes?

  And gets lots of attention from men online. It seems to me like a desirable high value woman is perceived that in today. Correct me if I'm wrong.

• 34:00Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely, I would agree.

• 34:01Lewis Howes?

  What do you think men should be looking at as what a high value woman is?

• 34:06Sadia Khan?

  I think what they classify as a high value woman is actually truly a narcissistic woman. And what they should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic rather than extrinsic values. And what I mean by that is when you select a woman who enjoys explosive kind of attention from men, you're selecting a woman who will never be satisfied with you.

• 34:30Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 34:31Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately. And you're selecting a woman who relies on external validation for self-esteem. And that will never go in that woman. What you really should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic values. And now these are things like how connected I am to my friends and family, how much do I serve my community? How much can I look after you and your well-being? How much self-esteem do I derive from having a purpose and loving those around me? Unfortunately, they look at what is packaged the best way. And that woman is, unfortunately, she's unattainable because she's emotionally broken. To require that much validation can't be healthy. And I say this as a woman who's online myself. And people could very much argue the same for me.

• 35:14Sadia Khan?

  But one thing I noticed is if I look at my DMs, they're endless. And I don't show skin, I don't show body. It's not that kind of content. So I think, and it annoys me. I'll see it and I'll just quickly, you know, this is nonsense. So imagine being a woman who only posts things that create external validation. At least I'll get a few messages saying, I love your content, blah, blah. But you're just posting your body. You're just getting, I love your tits, I love your boobs. This is a woman who wants that. Why would you, why on earth would you think that woman is now going to be able to serve you and your family and your children in a wholesome manner? She's not equipped for it.

• 35:52Lewis Howes?

  But again, I'm assuming that people might be commenting or saying, well, this is, you know, don't.

• 36:00Lewis Howes?

  Don't diminish my self-expression.

• 36:02Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 36:03Lewis Howes?

  This makes me feel great. I can do what I want. I wanna express myself. I wanna post bikini photos all day long.

• 36:09Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely.

• 36:10Lewis Howes?

  So I'm allowed to do whatever I want and I like it. I like expressing myself. I'm a, you know, so I am.

• 36:17Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 36:18Lewis Howes?

  Don't tell me what to do, all these different things. So, you know, what do you say to someone that might be feeling that way?

• 36:22Sadia Khan?

  Express a way, but don't expect that woman to be wholesome. She can express however she wants. I could sit there and express myself through nudes and bikini pictures, et cetera. But then don't put wholesome, traditional values. I don't assign them to me because I'm not assigning them to myself. So if she's expressing her that herself that way, you as a man, how dare you expect her to have these complete opposite values? Yeah? So just accept her for who she is. She's not wrong. I'm not actually saying she's wrong, by the way. I actually don't think there's anything wrong in that. But have a realistic expectation of what that woman's gonna bring to your life.

• 36:57Lewis Howes?

  In terms of a relationship?

• 36:59Sadia Khan?

  In terms of a relationship, yeah. She's somebody who craves knowing that she's still sexually attractive to other men. Because that's what the audience will be. Women don't follow women who just post stuff like that. So that's what, um, how, it's just that woman. So why would you try and create, like, why would you force her? Why would you try and get her to contort into your values and your, what you want out of it? She's gonna be more promiscuous, she's gonna be more unfaithful, but that's okay. But so, but the problem is you either accept her for who she is or you go somewhere else, but don't expect that woman to have the values that you want them to have.

• 37:31Lewis Howes?

  You've been coaching, uh, people for a while now.

• 37:35Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 37:36Lewis Howes?

  And you said there are what? What are the main themes you see that people struggle with the most in your, your one-on-one or online coaching?

• 37:42Sadia Khan?

  I would find that the main thing for men is the addiction to pornography. Yeah.

• 37:47Lewis Howes?

  How many men are addicted to pornography today?

• 37:49Sadia Khan?

  I, I would say that unfortunately in the younger generation, here's the problem with the addiction to pornography. When I have a man on the phone to me and he's got, and this is irrelevant whether he's handsome, not handsome, whatever, in shape, not shape. But he's having struggles with women. He's having some problem with women. They're either transactional, using him, cheating on him, whatever it is. I don't ask any question other than, are you addicted to pornography? That's the first question. They'll come to me on the phone and say, this, my, uh, my girlfriend's doing this. I don't know how to get about. First question I ask is, are you addicted to pornography? Because there's a masochism in there, in there that they don't realize. And they'll say, no, no, no, I'm not addicted to pornography. I watch it maybe twice a week, three times a week. But I don't, I don't know if that's healthy. I don't think there's any level that's healthy.

• 38:32Sadia Khan?

  And what pornography does, unfortunately, what pornography does to men is it allows them intense gratification without the fear of rejection. And what men need is rejection in order to fuel their bravery and redirect them. If I'm really overweight, or if I'm not making a lot of money, I'm living in my mom's basement and I go out into the dating world. I realize women don't find that attractive, so I redirect myself. I am.

• 38:57Lewis Howes?

  You have to improve, you have to overcome, you have to let go, you have to.

• 39:00Sadia Khan?

  And learn from the feedback.

• 39:01Lewis Howes?

  And have courage to take consistent action and build self-control.

• 39:05Sadia Khan?

  Exactly. But what pornography allows me to do is maintain that state whilst getting the gratification I want. And the other thing it does to men is it blurs their true value. So they will see these beautiful women online, go into the real world, and say if he's a four out of 10, he should be aiming for a four out of 10 woman, but he'll think, I don't want that girl. I'm not attracted to this girl. And they'll be aiming for the 12 out of 10s, and they can only access them through escorts. Or through, I mean, in America, they call it passport bros. Have you heard of that concept?

• 39:36Lewis Howes?

  Passport what?

• 39:37Sadia Khan?

  Where they go to like maybe the Philippines, or they go to other countries and marry women. And you know, yeah, it's kind of like a 90 day, then they try and do it that way instead. To access those type of women because they've been so addicted to pornography. They've got a skewed perception of what their true value is and what their true match is.

• 39:54Lewis Howes?

  What do you think pornography is doing to the male brain chemically?

• 39:57Sadia Khan?

  It's making them incapable of connection, both physically and emotionally. Physically, they have erectile dysfunction, and I'm talking to 28 year old boys that will have erectile dysfunction and they can't perform. And emotionally, porn doesn't model intimacy. It actually models how to make hate with a woman, not how to make love. So they learn how to spit on women, they learn how to degrade women, they know how to make fun of minorities. They know, learn all of these things and they think they're learning all these skills. But when you speak to women, they'll say the least satisfying sexual encounters with a man that's addicted to porn. Because he's reenacting and not reading her body. He's not learning.

• 40:36Lewis Howes?

  He's not intuitive.

• 40:37Sadia Khan?

  He's not.

• 40:37Lewis Howes?

  He's not connected.

• 40:38Sadia Khan?

  Not at all.

• 40:39Lewis Howes?

  He's not there in the moment.

• 40:41Sadia Khan?

  So not only is he doing all these moves that she's not connecting with. But he then can't even lift his cock up because there's, there's an erectile dysfunction. So imagine the experience from a woman's end. She's just like, this is the worst experience I've ever had. He is also realizing, okay, she's not enjoying this. Let me just stick to porn because I'm terrible at sex. So that rejection and encounter is so negative that they go deeper into the rabbit hole, unfortunately. And can I just say pornography is not good for women either. I think the rise in bisexuality in women is predominantly from exposure to porn. Yeah, I think so. I don't think it's.

• 41:16Lewis Howes?

  How many women are watching porn from people you talk to or coaching or just?

• 41:22Sadia Khan?

  Not as much, but when I, what I, what I find really difficult about pornography. And really disempowering is the majority of the time that women are watching it. They're doing it for their partner's pleasure, very limited for their own. So they're watching girl on girl and they're watching other things on that and they're engaging on that behavior. Primarily for a male gaze, for a male attention, for men to be finding satisfying rather than their own thing. Because women tend to be more emotionally connected to sex. So if they're engaging a lot of pornography, it's for male desires. So they're almost catering to the male gaze in a way that's helping them lose their own identity. They're signing up for degradation, they're signing up for confused sexual identity.

• 42:04Sadia Khan?

  They're signing up for a society that only caters to male sexual gratification. So I find it more bizarre that women watch porn.

• 42:11Lewis Howes?

  Do you think? Why do men watch more porn than women?

• 42:15Sadia Khan?

  Um, because I think for men, it's the ability to access any type of woman without the fear of rejection. And men are more likely to be rejected when they go and seek sex in the real world. Yeah, and so I think it's just the bypassing rejection is what they're doing far more than women.

• 42:32Lewis Howes?

  Why are women not into porn as much, though? Why do they wanna watch it?

• 42:36Sadia Khan?

  Because without an intimate connection, porn is, uh, sex is limited in how gratifying it can be. Yeah, it's almost like having a cake without sugar, like without the ingredient of intimacy, it's just a bunch of empty calories and it's not worth the taste. So that's what porn is like for women, without actually caring about somebody. And sometimes they'll watch it, but they're still trying to learn how to please their partner through it. So there's an element of my partner, my partner, my partner. Uh, whereas for men, it's just to bypass the rejection that they don't want to face.

• 43:06Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 43:06Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, unfortunately. And it is a coping mechanism for a lot of people, yeah.

• 43:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's like drugs, alcohol, food, pornography.

• 43:14Sadia Khan?

  And but the thing is, it's so easy for me to be judgmental, but I didn't grow up where the smartphone had access to pornography. I don't know what kind of person I would have been and I also have a religious kind of reason to avoid porn. So I, I, I'm not saying this to be holier than thou, I'm very aware that if I was in a different circumstance, I'd be just as addicted. But it's so bad for us. It's so, so bad for couples and intimacy and everything. It's so bad, terrible. And it's something that's almost just accepted. What I find so shocking is if I was to watch a child be abused and get joy out of that, I would be arrested, rightly so. But cut to twenty years when that child is now engaging in voluntary sex work, which is usually most sex offended children go on to do sex work.

• 43:59Sadia Khan?

  It's accepted.

• 44:00Lewis Howes?

  Voluntary.

• 44:01Sadia Khan?

  Voluntary, because what happens when a child's been abused, they often try and regain control by engaging in sex work.

• 44:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 44:08Sadia Khan?

  It's their way of re-establishing control and boundaries that were ripped off them. So they're thinking, now I'll monetize it and take some control. So usually, most people who work in the sex industry have a history of child abuse, sexual abuse. So I just think watching vulnerable people kind of re-traumatize themselves and getting joy out of that should be somewhat more spoken about rather than just seeing it as an industry. It's not an industry that is created on like, you know, movies where people who went through school and tried. It's usually people who went through trauma have now found themselves in working in porn. And we're okay to just watch it all day, every day. It's scary, right?

• 44:49Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the the big, three big flags that a man or a woman should look out for when they're entering a new dating relationship?

• 44:57Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately, I really hate to say this because we can't really control this, but your childhood. Unfortunately, your childhood creates an embedded kind of conflict between you and love. When we have a chaotic childhood, what we do is we create a core belief about ourselves that we're not worthy of love. We don't deserve love or love is painful. And because that's a core belief, we go through life looking for somebody to validate that core belief. Now, if I meet somebody loving even, I will still try and create that core belief and make love chaotic. So I'll sabotage or do something. So unfortunately, you have to look at their childhood. Now, it doesn't mean if they've got a bad childhood, they're written half. But if they haven't acknowledged the impact.

• 45:39Lewis Howes?

  And started the healing process.

• 45:40Sadia Khan?

  You're gonna be the punching bag.

• 45:42Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 45:42Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately.

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  I've been punched a lot.

• 45:44Sadia Khan?

  Have you noticed that as well?

• 45:46Lewis Howes?

  In my past.

• 45:47Sadia Khan?

  What kind of things do women bring, like in their past childhood?

• 45:50Lewis Howes?

  Well, I think, you know, I think it's the responsibility of each partner to to ask those questions, to to, you know. And I lacked the inability to, I saw that and that was what attracted me because I was wounded in my childhood, right? So it's like, okay, we're both wounded. We're in this together.

• 46:05Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 46:06Lewis Howes?

  So I was the punching bag and kept kept sticking around because I lacked the courage, confidence, the, you know, skills, the security in self to walk away from the feeling of love and intimacy, the feeling of connection, the the false feeling.

• 46:24Sadia Khan?

  Well, that broken childhood gives women some intensity that makes a man feel really loved in the moment.

• 46:29Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 46:30Sadia Khan?

  And it's honestly, they give you really passionate kind of sexual relations as well because they they almost treat you like you're temporary. Because they know you're.

• 46:36Lewis Howes?

  Chemistry is explosive, right? But it doesn't mean it's healthy.

• 46:39Sadia Khan?

  It's not healthy.

• 46:40Lewis Howes?

  And I've heard you talk about this. I've talked about this as well. It's like if a if a person you're meeting feels boring.

• 46:46Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 46:48Lewis Howes?

  Then that's a good thing.

• 46:49Sadia Khan?

  It's a good thing.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  It's a good thing. If it feels like exciting, explosive and all magical, every moment, it's like the constant, like that's probably when you wanna run or really ask yourself, why?

• 47:00Sadia Khan?

  Why, why are you attracted to chaos?

• 47:02Lewis Howes?

  Why am I attracted to this feeling? And is that healthy? I'm not saying it's automatic bad, but it's a definite thing to pay attention to.

• 47:09Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and is it sustainable to do that to your body? It's nothing is sustained. It's like being in the ring for like ten, fifteen rounds.

• 47:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's also like, like you said, you can only have that feeling for so long. And then when it fades, are you saying something's wrong? I need to recreate that feeling.

• 47:22Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and they usually recreate it by outsourcing chaos outside of the relationship. So they'll have really stable, healthy relationships. But they'll find, you know, a guy on the side or a girl on the side that will recreate the trauma that they've had as a child, unfortunately.

• 47:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 47:36Sadia Khan?

  And the reason why it's such a problem is children suffer. Children are the only ones that will suffer when parents.

• 47:41Lewis Howes?

  When you have kids and you've attracted each other and you've been committed and you gotta stay together. The kids suffer from your behavior.

• 47:48Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, always. So where it's being so like.

• 47:53Lewis Howes?

  So that's the first flag is you're aware of the person's childhood, right? It's like ask the questions.

• 47:57Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 47:58Lewis Howes?

  And it doesn't mean they're not a good person or they're nice. You can't be friends or if you get into it, you just have to be aware. This is what you might be dealing with.

• 48:06Sadia Khan?

  Yeah. Second thing I would say is do they set boundaries or do they self sabotage? And they're two very different things. People think boundaries means, oh, you upset me. I'm never speaking to you again. I don't tolerate nonsense. I've got boundaries. That's not how boundaries work. Boundaries are actually instructions to help teach the person how to love you. So my boundary might be as simple as, okay, take the shoes off when you go into the living room. Yeah, that's a boundary. Self sabotage is not saying anything and be like, oh, my God, he wore his shoes on my, in my living room. I'm never speaking to him again. So I would say the ability to communicate boundaries in a way that will bring you closer rather than simply kind of drawing lines and running away. And so I think effective boundaries is a really important red or green flag.

• 48:50Lewis Howes?

  That's a, that's been a game changer for me with Martha because we, we really created agreements early on.

• 48:55Sadia Khan?

  Amazing. What kind of agreements?

• 48:58Lewis Howes?

  Man, we did so many early on. They were just like, every time there might have been a little like, oh, that didn't feel that good or disturbance as opposed to us just letting it slide. Each one of us were like, I don't know if I like that. I'm not saying you're wrong here, but I would just like for us to create this agreement so that I don't feel weird and I don't feel like you're taking advantage or whatever it might be. So.

• 49:18Sadia Khan?

  And what was it like?

• 49:19Lewis Howes?

  One of them was, one of them was like, you know, early in a relationship, you're talking all the time.

• 49:22Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 49:23Lewis Howes?

  Morning, day and night. And there was a couple of times where it was like 1 a.m. We had some like minor disturbances. There was like just confusion. We're both tired. It's not getting, it's getting in a loop. We're not finding a resolution to this like challenge. And so we both came to the agreement like, let's not have these conversations in bed.

• 49:42Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 49:43Lewis Howes?

  Like, it doesn't really seem to go well these last couple of times. It's not like it was horrible or explosive. It's just like, we woke up tired and like, we didn't find a resolution. It didn't feel good. Let's just have the conversation during the day when we're both awake.

• 49:55Sadia Khan?

  Okay.

• 49:56Lewis Howes?

  Not when we hit the bed and then we start talking about something that was upsetting. And that has created so much peace because we both have an agreement.

• 50:02Sadia Khan?

  Amazing.

• 50:03Lewis Howes?

  We created a healthy boundary by calling it an agreement.

• 50:06Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 50:06Lewis Howes?

  And we stick to that standard.

• 50:08Sadia Khan?

  Right. And previous relationships, what would you do instead?

• 50:11Lewis Howes?

  Well, I would just try to solve the problem, stay up all night. I would just, you know, and then it would just escalate, escalate to like frustration and exhaustion and then resentment the next day. Like, why is this happening? And then it repeats again every few weeks.

• 50:24Sadia Khan?

  Okay. So this is, now it's now healthier. I explain to you what I need and we do it accordingly.

• 50:29Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 50:29Sadia Khan?

  Amazing.

• 50:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And making sure both of you are able to communicate what you need. So there is an agreement. And making sure you both agree on that.

• 50:38Sadia Khan?

  Amazing.

• 50:39Lewis Howes?

  So.

• 50:39Sadia Khan?

  Very lucky to find a partner. Yeah. Very lucky. Praise be to God. Yeah.

• 50:44Lewis Howes?

  Blessed. Okay. So do they set boundaries or do they self sabotage? That's the second green or red flag. What's the third?

• 50:51Sadia Khan?

  Uh, competition or cooperation. And what I mean by that is when you have a partner that values your well being and wants to see you feel less anxious, wants to see you feel happy, wants you to feel connected. Um, they are cooperative. So when they say, when you say things like, oh babe, I haven't heard from you all day. They're like, oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. Uh, I'll call you in five minutes. Give me ten minutes, I'll call you. But other times you'll have a partner where you say, oh, you know, I haven't heard from you. Stop trying to control me. You're, you're always taking over. You're, you're so needy. It's stuff like that. Is, is it competition or is it cooperation? When you voice a concern, do they actually want to see that you, the relationship get better and your wellbeing matters?

• 51:32Sadia Khan?

  Or are they so stuck on their autonomy and independence and not being controlled by you? That they reject and neglect their responsibilities towards you? So I think that kind of understanding your partner's wellbeing. If, if it's not a case of like, why are you trying to control me? Why? It's more of a case of, oh, I didn't mean to. Uh, okay, I understand your point. It's those um, partners that are in competition with each other, who can hurt who the most or who can stay the most dis- uh, disconnected? Who can stay the most independent? Why are you together? I don't understand those relationships. It's torture. It's real torture. So it's like, oh, I'm liking extra pictures. She told me not to like pictures. Now I'm gonna do ten times more. Oh, you know, he told me not to post bikini pictures. Now I'm gonna post ten times more. Why are you together? Are you, if you're gonna hurt each other?

• 52:18Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, cuz hurting them should be hurting you. If you're in a healthy relationship. And ca- like, um, prioritizing their wellbeing is a form of prioritizing your own wellbeing if you're in a healthy relationship. So that cooperation should be there. If it's not there, then try and avoid that person, unfortunately.

• 52:35Lewis Howes?

  I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels, at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life,

• 53:16Lewis Howes?

  then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.