Pod Insights My Brother, My Brother And Me MBMBaM 773: Face 2 Face: Callioucifer About this episode What’s up, console cowboys, we’ve got a new brain dance from the McElFreaks! Live from Sacramento, we’re jacking in to the system to talk about turtle-on-turtle action, the Entourage multiverse, and ghost cats.
Suggested talking points: Pockets of a Small Boy, Ask the Plane to Make a Special Stop, Travitas, The Ariroboros Theory, Little Scary Doll Song, Ghost Gap Year
Immigrant Defenders Law Center: https://www.immdef.org/
Transcript 13,081 words · 11 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 The McElroy Brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?
0:21 Speaker 01 It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has gossip, it's rapid, into a precious friendship.
0:33 Speaker 01 I could've never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like.
0:48 Speaker 01 It's better, it's better with you. My life, it's better, it's better with you. This is true.
1:00 Speaker 01 It's better, it's better with you.
1:09 Travis McElroy? Hello Sacramento!
1:15 Travis McElroy? Welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
1:26 Travis McElroy? What's up Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother Travis, big dog wolf wolf McElroy.
1:35 Travis McElroy? What's up Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, Griffin30Under30, media luminary, built for tough McElroy!
1:46 Travis McElroy? And Griffin and I had to actively have a conversation with each other backstage where we told each other we needed to calm down. Because both of us were too riled up. I mean, we heard y'all, and we got the zoomies. So, literally, right before we walked out onstage, this is not a joke, Travis and I were sitting there talking about the advantages of a fly rail system versus a half-fly system, and Griffin was running in circles around us. Genuinely.
2:18 Travis McElroy? Just like, just like putting, making tracks.
2:22 Griffin McElroy? Just, we don't normally talk about shows in front of other shows, but last night when we did Dadlands, we...
2:29 Travis McElroy? Thank you.
2:30 Griffin McElroy? I'd sunk a nasty 30-foot cornhole shot while fireworks from the nearby Angels Stadium boomed in the sky. I've been awake for 40 hours, coursing with pure sports adrenaline.
2:46 Travis McElroy? I'm feeling okay. I'm pretty even keeled. I'm going to be the level ahead of the show.
2:53 Travis McElroy? I'm so happy to be here, Sacramento. Thank you so much for having us.
2:57 Griffin McElroy? Thank you.
3:02 Travis McElroy? We've all traveled here to gather this beautiful building. I say we make the most of it. I say, I want to say yesterday, while we did travel most of today, yesterday was, we had a kind of a day off.
3:13 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
3:14 Travis McElroy? From travel. We performed last night, but we didn't have to do anything. We were in Anaheim. And I'm, you know, I'm kind of a Disney guy. So, but I didn't want to go to Disneyland without my family because, I don't know, I don't like, it just felt weird. So, but instead, we went to Downtown Disney, which is like if, if, if Disney made a mall, I don't know if you know about that, but if Disney made a mall, it'd be called Downtown Disney. They got one over in Florida, too, and it's Disney.
3:40 Travis McElroy? That a way.
3:41 Travis McElroy? That a way, you know? Yonder, about as far from here as physically possible in the continental US. Uh, but it's, it's called Disney Springs, similar idea. But we, Travis was indulging me and he let me walk from Downtown Disney into the, uh, just the courtyard of the Grand Californian Hotel.
4:03 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
4:03 Travis McElroy? And it took some, Justin was like, "I want to go in there, but I don't think we're allowed to."
4:08 Griffin McElroy? No, of course not.
4:09 Travis McElroy? And I was like, "It's not a ride. It's a hotel. We can walk in." And you can just walk in, but then to return to Disney Springs, you have to go through security.
4:20 Travis McElroy? And I said, "I don't want to fuck it. It's a whole thing. It's a whole fucking production." And guys, I don't know what it is about my brain, I- Hate taking my stuff out of my pockets.
4:30 Travis McElroy? It feels so vulnerable.
4:32 Travis McElroy? I hate it. That's my stuff and I have the pockets of a boy. You know what? I have the pockets of a small boy.
4:38 Travis McElroy? Wait, what's that? Like a snail and an old chewing gum wrapper?
4:42 Travis McElroy? Like an 1800's boy, fucking Tom Sawyer. I got like a bullfrog and some jacks and a pocket knife, you know? And so I go in and I'm like, we did walk around and it was beautiful and I'm glad my brother encouraged me. But then as I'm going back through, I have to empty my pockets. And this guard for this at Disney World is looking at the dish and he looks at my vape. And he says, and this is what he says.
5:07 Travis McElroy? It's important to note, it is a weed vape.
5:10 Travis McElroy? It's a weed. It is important to know that. Okay.
5:15 Travis McElroy? There's different kinds of vape.
5:17 Travis McElroy? There's different kinds of vape. It's my weed vape.
5:19 Griffin McElroy? Stink vape, uh...
5:20 Travis McElroy? Okay.
5:21 Travis McElroy? Extra oxygen vape.
5:22 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
5:23 Travis McElroy? Uh, nutrient vape.
5:24 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
5:25 Travis McElroy? If you needed vapor nutrients.
5:26 Griffin McElroy? Olive oil.
5:27 Travis McElroy? So, this, this Disney cop looks at me and says, "What's in that?" Now, sir, I am not a lawyer and I am 100% certain you are not within your legal rights to ask me what is in that vape. Guaranteed, no question at all.
5:49 Griffin McElroy? He didn't get a briefing that morning like, "Okay, pal, listen up. If someone comes through with the green stuff..."
5:55 Travis McElroy? We've had a problem with people trying to smuggle kush through.
5:58 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, yeah.
5:59 Travis McElroy? No, you haven't. But this guy asked me-
6:01 Travis McElroy? And Goofy's got the drug test coming up and he's got a weak will.
6:05 Travis McElroy? This man, Travis was with me so he could, he could testify this. This man asked, "What's in this?" And he might as well have looked at me and said, "Say nicotine as loud as you can right now."
6:17 Travis McElroy? "Hey, hey husky boy, say the word nicotine as loud as you can." Because that's what I did, of course. Sir, sir, do you, there are three actual police officers five feet from this man. This Disney cop is trying to make me go down for possession. No, thank you. It's nicotine, sir. And as we're leaving, I said, Travis, good news. I bought you some mallet bites at the World of Disney, because he loves Darkwing Duck.
6:45 Travis McElroy? I do.
6:46 Travis McElroy? And then he said, I got some goofy sour balls for Griffin. And then I said, I also bought Griffin goofy sour balls. And it was like an Henry story. I know. We both bought you goofy sour balls.
6:58 Travis McElroy? I got candy. Griffin got two candy. Justin got no candy. The irony.
7:03 Griffin McElroy? Justin did, okay, backstage Travis was like, hey, bro, I hooked you up. I got you goofy sour balls. Which went away for a while, which is fucking crazy. Um, but then Justin was like, I got you some too. But I had to leave them behind in Anaheim. Hey.
7:20 Griffin McElroy? How fucking military grade is the packing you're doing? Where a little package of goofy sour balls like broke the spatial bank a little bit.
7:30 Travis McElroy? Okay, I was trying to spare your feelings. If you want the truth, we had to leave at 6:45 a.m. And then at 6:30 a.m. while I was packing, I thought, fuck Griffin.
7:42 Travis McElroy? Wait, so it was punitive?
7:44 Travis McElroy? No, it's like.
7:45 Griffin McElroy? What did I do, man?
7:46 Travis McElroy? I'm packing. It's like early, like, can you dim the lights like really, really low? Like make them real, like kind of low, like lower, just dim it like.
7:52 Travis McElroy? People here in the audience don't know what morning looks like.
7:55 Travis McElroy? It's like the morning, right?
7:56 Griffin McElroy? Justin can't be mean to me if people are watching, so.
7:59 Travis McElroy? So, no, it's like dark, right? It's the morning. It's like, oh, I'm just waking up and then I like see this. I'm packing, like I'm packing my things and I'm fitting it all together.
8:06 Travis McElroy? A lot of holy work.
8:07 Travis McElroy? And then you see my small ball pouch. Small ball sack. And I think, I think, ah, fuck Griffin. That's what I thought.
8:16 Griffin McElroy? And you put them, you threw them in the garbage can instead of throwing them to me?
8:19 Travis McElroy? I left them as a nice tip. I thought, unopened.
8:24 Travis McElroy? Five bucks and some gooey sour balls? You could do worse than that. Sure. Do worse than that.
8:28 Travis McElroy? Do you want me to call the hotel and see if they'll mail them to you?
8:30 Travis McElroy? Yeah, please.
8:31 Travis McElroy? Yeah, you got it, bud.
8:32 Travis McElroy? My brother has legal property there. It is his legal property.
8:34 Travis McElroy? My brother left his sour balls. Not the brother that was in the room. A different brother. Those were intended for the younger brother, though. If you could ship them to the older brother, so then he could ship them to the younger brother, so that everything will be fixed.
8:46 Travis McElroy? I'm never seeing, I'm never seeing those sour balls. This is an advice show.
8:53 Travis McElroy? Believe it or not, and this is our first question from you, the people of Sacramento.
8:58 Travis McElroy? No, I need to jump back, Griff.
8:59 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
9:00 Travis McElroy? So I gave Griffin the bag of goofy sour balls.
9:03 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
9:03 Travis McElroy? Griffin, at that point, completely unaware Justin had also bought goofy sour balls, and I wasn't gonna narc. And then Justin voluntarily said, "I also got you a bag of goofy sour balls, but I had to leave them behind because they didn't fit in my suitcase."
9:17 Travis McElroy? Amanda, will you please call the hotel? Don't. It's not fucking worth it. Amanda, I need an, and Paul, will you keep me updated? There were, Amanda, if it may, if it helps, Amanda, if it helps to raise the stakes, there were several bags of unopened candy in the pile, Amanda.
9:34 Travis McElroy? It was a general, yeah, so if you could just see if they could track down the unopened candy. I don't know how far it is from here to Anaheim, but I'll try to swing back by there tomorrow morning.
9:43 Travis McElroy? Pass the plane to make a special stop.
9:45 Travis McElroy? Swoop around. Let's do a question, or I'll die. What? What should, what should I do about my giant tortoise's explicit lovemaking to my kid's turtle-shaped sandbox?
10:01 Travis McElroy? Important to note, they are very much in love. And that's from Sex Ed in Sacramento. I would ask if you're here, but I think you're literally like right in front of us. A large stone's throw away from my human body right now. That was the set, that wasn't the sound of laughter, that was the sound of someone realizing they're about to have a very surreal evening.
10:21 Travis McElroy? I like the phrasing of this, where the question isn't, "How do I stop my giant tortoise's explicit lovemaking to my child's turtle-shaped sandbox?" But rather, "What do I do about it?"
10:33 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
10:34 Travis McElroy? And thank you for leaving open, like, maybe the answer isn't find a way to stop it.
10:38 Travis McElroy? I don't know how to make a turtle less horny, like...
10:42 Travis McElroy? Or make a turtle sandbox less sexy.
10:44 Travis McElroy? Less sexy, yeah. We used to have this exact sandbox, I think most people did at some point.
10:50 Travis McElroy? And Griffin would fuck it. It happens.
10:58 Travis McElroy? He was 14 and exploring his body, he had things to learn about love!
11:03 Travis McElroy? Frankly, the apple pie franchise was out of ideas. American Pie, fuck!
11:10 Travis McElroy? It worked. The bit played.
11:12 Travis McElroy? It was like a 6 out of 5. It could've done a lot better. Hey, um, I, maybe you could convince the kids that that's how turtles keep their nails trimmed? I know a lot of nature's animals have to rely on those sorts of activities, like scratching or what have you.
11:26 Griffin McElroy? I think you could do, I think you could get away with that just from the motion that the turtle makes while the lovemaking happens.
11:32 Travis McElroy? What, how would you describe that?
11:34 Griffin McElroy? Um, uh, I mean, if you know what's happening, like, it's very obvious what's happening. If you don't, you could just be like, "Oh, he's doing some turtle pull-ups or whatever."
11:45 Travis McElroy? Right, turtle pull-ups.
11:46 Griffin McElroy? But the sound that they make is, you can't, you can't call that anything other than an orgasm. An orgasm from a turtle!
11:55 Travis McElroy? Yeah, maybe you could find smaller versions of the turtle sandbox, and after a while, set them out around that and be like, "They made babies."
12:05 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, that's how...
12:07 Travis McElroy? See, it's not just sex for pleasure. They needed babies for some reason.
12:13 Travis McElroy? Could you find an extremely tiny toy turtle to hump your turtle while your turtle's humping the giant toy turtle?
12:22 Travis McElroy? And explain that's how the universe exists. It's turtles fucking all the way down.
12:30 Travis McElroy? That's a very, that's a really good joke Travis. I do want to just make space for what Justin said. You obviously saw an opportunity to say something funny there and you sprung on it. And I get that because we're in a live environment and we want to dazzle Sacramento tonight. But what Justin said was so patently fucking bonkers.
12:51 Travis McElroy? Especially when the question is, what do I do about it? I assume because your children might observe the turtle, the tortoise having sex with the turtle. Hold on Justin.
13:00 Travis McElroy? No, you've spoken Juice.
13:02 Travis McElroy? And so Justin's suggestion is maybe pull it to an even more abstract explanation you might have to make to your children by making it a threesome.
13:12 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
13:14 Travis McElroy? Making it a turtle-based Eiffel Tower scenario.
13:17 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
13:20 Travis McElroy? It's one of those Tower of Hanoi puzzles where you have to move the turtles without putting a bigger turtle on a smaller turtle. I didn't see the, when they said, what do I do about it? I didn't see the problem, so I didn't know what I was trying to fix.
13:34 Travis McElroy? Honestly. You're trying to spice it up in case the turtle and turtle sandbox lovemaking gets boring.
13:40 Travis McElroy? It sounded like they just wanted to be present and involved and supportive. So that, I don't know.
13:45 Travis McElroy? Well, then you just need to make sure you have some power bars and Gatorade nearby. Cause these are turtles, so I'm assuming it takes a long time to get a good fuck going.
13:54 Travis McElroy? They can't have power bars, they're turtles, they gotta eat pizza.
14:00 Travis McElroy? You should know better. I have a sleep test coming up and I've been told to bring things with me that make me comfortable. However, I like quite a bit of weight on me for my anxiety. For me, that means seven blankets.
14:14 Travis McElroy? Would it be weird if I brought in seven blankets to sleep for my sleep test? That's from Sleepless in Sacramento. Are you here?
14:23 Griffin McElroy? All right. That was, we've heard a lot of different sounds people have used to represent their presence, but not that one before. That was cool.
14:33 Travis McElroy? You know, sometimes you're sitting there thinking, I know what sound I'm gonna make. I've got it all cocked and ready to go. And then the moment comes and you open your mouth and a different sound comes out. And we've all been there and I understand it. It's valid and relatable.
14:44 Travis McElroy? When it happens to us, there's usually a microphone in front of us, so.
14:46 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
14:47 Griffin McElroy? I guess my question is, how do you transport seven blankets without it being absolutely clown shoes? Cause I can't figure it out, even if they're all rolled up cigar tight. That's seven blankets.
15:00 Travis McElroy? You are definitely gonna have, there's gonna be a moment where it's gonna have to be like, I've got more in the car, or can you help me with these? Or yeah, all seven, that's right. Or you wear them like seven big superhero capes at the same time.
15:13 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, that's the only thing I could think is you wear them and walk into the sleep clinic like the Baba Yaga. Like, I'm ready for my test.
15:23 Travis McElroy? I bet though, that if you're a sleep doctor and someone comes in with seven blankets and you're like, oh, that's easy. Okay, great. Thanks for making the diagnosis of the problem so straightforward.
15:34 Griffin McElroy? Yeah. That's too many. That's too many. Easy. That's why we do these tests, guys.
15:40 Travis McElroy? Okay, cool, man.
15:41 Griffin McElroy? We saved another life, everybody. High five. Seven's too many. That's why we do the tests.
15:46 Travis McElroy? Start walking it back. Try six for a while, see if five works. Till eventually you're down to one.
15:52 Griffin McElroy? There's a, you could roll up to the sleep laboratory with your seven blankets and say, I gotta sleep and the only way I can sleep is with these seven blankets and this giant cardboard standee of Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And then they'll be like, that's fucking wild. And you're like, that's right. That's a good point. Sorry, Kiedis. You're out. Just the seven blankets. Normal stuff.
16:15 Travis McElroy? You made a sacrifice and then they show you, you demonstrated that you're flexible.
16:19 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
16:20 Travis McElroy? I have, I need to do a sleep study soon and I think it's the wildest shit in the world to be like, I'm having trouble sleeping. Okay, great. Come in to a place that isn't your bedroom.
16:32 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
16:33 Travis McElroy? And let some strangers watch you fall asleep.
16:36 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
16:37 Travis McElroy? Which must be the optimum conditions, surely. And then we'll try to figure out if there's a problem. Yeah, there might be a problem in that I'm in hell.
16:47 Griffin McElroy? You get cloaked.
16:49 Travis McElroy? You could cloak some in your apparel. Maybe you have a particularly voluminous scarf. And you're like, oh, it's gotten chilly in here. I'm gonna, oh, no, it's a blanket. Just kidding. There was, now it's one of the blankets. Or you've got a belt. You're like, wow, I love your sash. Oh, thank you. It's a blanket. It's another blanket I bought.
17:07 Griffin McElroy? Seven, though, Juice.
17:08 Travis McElroy? Seven, though, seven. Yeah, that only got me to two, and then I ran out.
17:13 Griffin McElroy? Can you, can you bring in three blankets? That's, in my mind, the maximum normal amount of blankets. And then you go, and then you get in the bed, and you're like, oh, shit, I forgot something in my car. And you take one of the blankets out, but then you come back in with three more blankets. Just sort of very-
17:31 Travis McElroy? That's only five. Keep going.
17:33 Griffin McElroy? Well, then you're gonna do another trip, another round trip, be like, shit-
17:36 Travis McElroy? And then you gotta take the fox across and leave the grain, no, take the chicken, bring the grain back in.
17:42 Travis McElroy? My friend who said in the question, I'm gonna ask a question, and then just one-word answer, just yell it out. Are you going to need other things besides the seven blankets?
17:51 Travis McElroy? Yeah. Okay, great.
17:52 Travis McElroy? Okay, no, wait, no, no, no. Just, I just need one more answer. Just give me a number of how many other things you're gonna need.
17:59 Travis McElroy? Eight.
18:02 Travis McElroy? Sorry, if you could say the number again?
18:05 Griffin McElroy? Three.
18:05 Travis McElroy? Okay, someone got really excited about eight.
18:08 Travis McElroy? I just yelled the number eight. Uh, yeah, three, in addition to the seven sleep blankets. Okay. All right, so I notably do have seven sleep horcruxes that I need to fall asleep.
18:18 Griffin McElroy? Please, please, Justin, tell us, man.
18:20 Travis McElroy? Right, so, as we know-
18:21 Travis McElroy? Unless, have you put portions of your soul into your sleep talismans?
18:25 Griffin McElroy? I don't think so. I don't think your white noise machine contains a little juice in it.
18:28 Travis McElroy? And, I've, yeah, they, I have my, uh, sleep, uh, headphones. Go around there. I got my, uh, two sleep bracers that keep my carpal tunnel in check. And then I got my special square pillow, and then my sleepy squeezing pillow.
18:42 Griffin McElroy? Yeah. That's five, I think.
18:45 Travis McElroy? Right, and then I have the weighted blanket, and then I have my cold blanket. The cold, the weighted blanket, I don't use all the time, because that's only when it's not, uh, too hot.
18:54 Travis McElroy? Cool. Awesome. So how does that relate to our current question? You asked, no, you said, how many other items?
19:01 Travis McElroy? Well-
19:02 Travis McElroy? Three. Great.
19:02 Travis McElroy? Well, there are-
19:03 Travis McElroy? Let me tell you about the shit I need.
19:04 Travis McElroy? I'll explain it if you give me a fucking second. Sheesh. I was not, I did, I was in a judge, not unless you be judged situation, cuz seven items of any sort.
19:15 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
19:15 Travis McElroy? Whatever.
19:16 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
19:16 Travis McElroy? But when you're pushing the max up to 10 items, then it's harder for me to sort of grant clemency.
19:21 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
19:21 Travis McElroy? Okay, now, hold on.
19:23 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
19:23 Travis McElroy? Within that, though, I think is the solution, cuz at least three of those items, you're gonna bundle up in a blanket each and tie to a stick.
19:32 Travis McElroy? Oh, bendo, bendo.
19:34 Travis McElroy? And you're gonna come in with those, and the blankets, at that point, oh, who knows if they're blankets? Well, as long as I got them, I might as well use them. So then you're only bringing in four blankets. But we can go either further, by taking one blanket into another blanket and bundling that one up. Ah, now you're only bringing in five things, and admittedly, five bendo sticks. Which...
19:55 Travis McElroy? Which is a lot.
19:56 Griffin McElroy? Anyone will tell you that's too many bendo sticks.
19:58 Travis McElroy? You should also call ahead and say, "How many blankets do you all have there?" And they'll say, "We have blankets," and you say, "You did not hear me." That's not the question I asked.
20:10 Travis McElroy? So recently, I was doing some online research, by which I mean, reading the entire Wikipedia entry for Entourage.
20:20 Travis McElroy? Oh, dear.
20:21 Travis McElroy? And I had some fascinating revelations that I would like to share with you boys in a segment called Trav Talks.
20:35 Travis McElroy? Sorry, I had to, I had to get my microphone.
20:36 Travis McElroy? Oh, yeah, man. Oh, shit, Trav, you look so cool right now.
20:39 Travis McElroy? I have to get my microphone.
20:40 Travis McElroy? Hey, Trav, wait, I'm... Fuck, yeah, man. Wait. Trav, Trav, Trav, wait. I'm super confused, Trav, because you put in your kick-ass microphone, and then you picked up the microphone off the table.
20:50 Travis McElroy? Well, the microphone I've just put on my ear isn't connected to anything. But it gives me a sense of gravitas that I need to present this important finding.
20:58 Travis McElroy? Yeah, man, you look gravitas as hell right now, dude.
21:01 Travis McElroy? Might as well call it travitas.
21:03 Travis McElroy? Yeah, dude, for sure.
21:05 Travis McElroy? Hello, Sacramento.
21:06 Travis McElroy? We've never stood. Can I put my feet on your chair, or is that not...
21:09 Travis McElroy? Can we have your chair?
21:10 Travis McElroy? Fuck, yeah, dude.
21:11 Travis McElroy? My name is Travis McRoy, and I am an Entourage scholar.
21:15 Travis McElroy? Let's get it really yucky, Juice.
21:17 Travis McElroy? Yeah, man. I've put a lot of work into the findings I'm excited to present to you today, and at Trav Talk that I have titled, "A Perfectly Normal and Reasonable Fan Theory About Entourage Regarding the Creation of All Things Within the Multiverse."
21:31 Travis McElroy? Jesus Christ, Trav.
21:34 Travis McElroy? Now, I'm sure all of you are familiar with Entourage. A show that went off the air 50 years ago. But in case you are not, this is the cast of Entourage, the main characters. If we can go to the next slide, please. We have, uh...
21:49 Travis McElroy? It's called... This show is called "Canceled Guys," the TV show. A bunch of problematic dudes.
21:55 Travis McElroy? Here, Turtle. Wait, is that the Turtle that was... Yeah. Freaking your sandbox? We have Turtle. In the middle there is Vince, he's a movie star. Um, and he's brought his boys with him, as well as his agent, Ari. So you have Turtle, Ari, Vince, E, and Johnny Drama.
22:16 Travis McElroy? Yeah, yes.
22:17 Travis McElroy? We all know this.
22:18 Travis McElroy? We know them.
22:19 Travis McElroy? We know these. Now, what you might not know is that it's based on, if we can go to the next slide, the life of Mark Wahlberg and his real-life friends.
22:28 Travis McElroy? Right.
22:28 Travis McElroy? And at some point, there's differing stories, but the claim is, one of them said, "Our lives are so interesting, we should make a TV show about it." So they created the fictionalized version of Mark Wahlberg's life in Entourage. You're telling everyone stuff they already know, man. But then, here's where the fan theory begins.
22:51 Travis McElroy? I would also say, by the way, the person in this group that thought that their lives were interesting enough to make a TV show about it, history has proven them to be right.
22:58 Travis McElroy? That's true.
22:59 Travis McElroy? Thank you.
22:59 Travis McElroy? Then, after the eight seasons of the show completed...
23:04 Travis McElroy? Sounds pretty interesting to me, Jeff.
23:06 Travis McElroy? They made a movie about it.
23:08 Travis McElroy? Right.
23:09 Travis McElroy? At the end of that movie, the character Billy Walsh turns to our main characters and says, "We should make like a TV show or a movie about your lives." Can we go to the next slide, please? So...
23:25 Travis McElroy? Okay.
23:25 Travis McElroy? We can infer from this that the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe.
23:33 Travis McElroy? Right.
23:33 Travis McElroy? Which then would lead to the creation of a third sub-universe.
23:37 Travis McElroy? Okay, so tell me about this here, Trav. Who are these guys? I'd love to meet them.
23:41 Travis McElroy? Well, these... This is the result of Googling "group of four white men."
23:49 Griffin McElroy? I noticed you've depivvined the third generation.
23:53 Travis McElroy? A little streamlining, Griffin.
23:55 Griffin McElroy? You've pruned out some of the weeds.
23:57 Travis McElroy? The Gen Z doesn't need a bunch of boobers hanging around.
24:01 Travis McElroy? Yeah. Now, from this.
24:05 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
24:06 Travis McElroy? Me and the other Entourage scholars have developed two theories.
24:12 Travis McElroy? I'm going to start with the first one. This isn't the one I ascribe to, but if you could show the next slide, Paul. We have the turtle all the way down theory.
24:18 Travis McElroy? Our second turtle all the way down, Jeff.
24:20 Griffin McElroy? Unbelievable.
24:22 Travis McElroy? Now, it would be foolish of us to believe that the Mark Wahlberg universe is the prime universe. We have no indication of that.
24:30 Travis McElroy? Oh shit, Travis.
24:31 Travis McElroy? We are right now, living within the multiverse of Entourage.
24:37 Travis McElroy? Okay.
24:37 Travis McElroy? That there was a universe above us, that said, "Your lives are so interesting, we should make a TV show about it", which was then Mark Wahlberg's life. And up and up and up, it's turtle all the way down.
24:49 Griffin McElroy? Hey, I'm having an existential moment right now, that I was not ready to wrangle onstage tonight.
24:59 Travis McElroy? Yes, I know, Griffin. It blew my mind as well. I've been asleep for a week and a half. Awake? Oh my god. Anyways. But now we're gonna talk about the second theory, the one that I believe in. If we can go to the next slide.
25:10 Travis McElroy? Wait, why did you come up with another one after that?
25:13 Travis McElroy? This is the Ari Boros theory.
25:15 Travis McElroy? Okay.
25:16 Travis McElroy? Or, there's always an Entourage, there's always a show, there's always an Aquaman movie.
25:21 Travis McElroy? Man, they actually made a fucking Aquaman movie.
25:23 Travis McElroy? They did, and a telling of the Great Gatsby, directed by Martin Scorsese instead of Boz Lerman, which it was in our universe.
25:29 Griffin McElroy? Holy shit, dude.
25:30 Travis McElroy? Yes.
25:31 Travis McElroy? Yeah, dude.
25:32 Travis McElroy? So, in this theory, it is that it all feeds back constantly, and it is the power of the universes that retroactively created.
25:44 Travis McElroy? Everything.
25:45 Griffin McElroy? Then wait, is the Entourage we all watched and fucking loved on TV like the nexus of this?
25:51 Travis McElroy? No, no, no.
25:52 Travis McElroy? It's part of a continuum.
25:53 Travis McElroy? It's part of a continuum. It's all the nexus. It's all not the nexus.
25:57 Travis McElroy? So, but here is, this is the issue that I have with this theory Travis, compared to the last one.
26:02 Travis McElroy? Okay.
26:03 Travis McElroy? The last one makes sense to me because even if we cannot see an origin or an end point, we can assume logically that there is one, right?
26:11 Travis McElroy? Uh huh, yes.
26:11 Travis McElroy? With this theory, uh, it is predicated on some sort of inciting action that started the momentum of the universe.
26:18 Travis McElroy? Justin, at some point, God and his friends said, "Our lives are so interesting,
26:27 Travis McElroy? we should make a show about it."
26:29 Griffin McElroy? Okay.
26:29 Travis McElroy? And it kicked off this whole cycle.
26:32 Travis McElroy? So, your theo- the Ari Boros theory has to exist within a monotheistic religious world?
26:39 Griffin McElroy? Holy shit, wait a minute.
26:40 Travis McElroy? Now, it doesn't have to be monotheistic.
26:43 Travis McElroy? No, let him cook. You're cooking.
26:44 Griffin McElroy? You said God singular. He said God singular, though.
26:46 Travis McElroy? It could have been Zeus. It could have been any god.
26:50 Travis McElroy? We know.
26:53 Travis McElroy? But, this theory also would lead us to believe that even though the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe,
27:00 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
27:00 Travis McElroy? that because this is a cycle, eventually the existence of the TV show Entourage also leads to the existence of our universe.
27:07 Griffin McElroy? That's great stuff Travis. I also love how you've accidentally created a very powerful, uh, depressive mantra in a lifestyle is a terrible.
27:17 Travis McElroy? Yeah. Yeah.
27:19 Griffin McElroy? What's the point? What's the point in a lifestyle?
27:23 Travis McElroy? It's an endless loop of Entourage that we are all trapped in Griffin. I think it speaks for itself.
27:28 Travis McElroy? Lifestyle is a terrible.
27:31 Travis McElroy? Thank you for joining me for tonight's Trav Talk.
27:34 Griffin McElroy? Thank you so much.
27:39 Travis McElroy? Travis, I learned so freaking much off of that one, dude. Normally I don't feel like I learned anything.
27:43 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
27:44 Travis McElroy? I don't know why you had to say the second part. Sorry, you're right. Could've just stopped after I learned so much, but not your usual shit.
27:52 Travis McElroy? I've been backpacking more often and here in California, IA, we have black bears. If one gets too close, I was taught to yell, "Hey, bear!" to scare it away. But you could yell anything at a bear. Hey, bear-
28:05 Travis McElroy? They don't speak English.
28:06 Travis McElroy? "Hey, bear" has long been used because it's easy to remember. What are some other things I could yell at to scare a bear away? That's from burying it in the bay.
28:15 Griffin McElroy? Are you still here, I hope?
28:18 Travis McElroy? Yeah, alright.
28:19 Travis McElroy? Nice.
28:20 Travis McElroy? Hey, can I just say, if I was a bear, that would've scared the shit out of me. Good job.
28:25 Travis McElroy? Is it, is it possible that the reason "hey, bear" is so effective? That in that moment, the thing that's scaring the bear is that they're like, "Oh, no. I've met this person before and I can't remember them, but they know who I am."
28:38 Travis McElroy? Oh, god.
28:39 Travis McElroy? "God, this is so awkward. I need to leave."
28:42 Griffin McElroy? Or you've introduced it to a level of self-awareness that maybe it has never possessed in the wild of like, "Oh, shit. You're right."
28:51 Travis McElroy? Dang.
28:52 Griffin McElroy? "I'm a bear."
28:53 Travis McElroy? Fuck, man.
28:53 Griffin McElroy? "That's so cool. I've never thought about it before."
28:55 Travis McElroy? "Are you something else other than a bear? I've never thought about that. You are smaller than I am."
29:00 Travis McElroy? "I gotta go away and think about this and watch some Entourage."
29:04 Travis McElroy? So, I do have to call into question the logic of, we use "hey, bear" because it's easy to remember? Is the argument there that you'll be confronted with a bear and be like, "Oh, fuck." What, what, oh, shit.
29:18 Travis McElroy? I need to yell something.
29:20 Travis McElroy? I gotta yell something. What is it?
29:21 Travis McElroy? "I made a punny! Fuck!"
29:23 Travis McElroy? No.
29:24 Travis McElroy? Fuck, that's not what I should've yelled.
29:25 Griffin McElroy? It is not a wizard with a riddle for you.
29:30 Travis McElroy? How often have you been confronted by a bear that you can say that with such confidence?
29:34 Griffin McElroy? I mean, there's one of the three of us who has been confronted by a bear on this stage tonight, and he is sitting on, uh, stage right, house left.
29:41 Travis McElroy? Yes, and when that happened, I did not yell. I did? No, I didn't. I just walked briskly back to my car and drove away, actually. I didn't yell anything.
29:52 Travis McElroy? What if you yelled, "I'm a bigger bear!"
29:55 Travis McElroy? They're not stupid.
29:56 Travis McElroy? Very scary, no?
29:58 Travis McElroy? They're not stupid, man. They'll get angry at you for that. They're not dumb as his soul.
30:02 Griffin McElroy? Did you make a conscious choice not to yell? Cause you were like, I don't want to piss this thing off?
30:05 Travis McElroy? What? Yeah, I mean yelling like in what? To what end? You know what I mean? Like, I guess I was scared, but I was more thinking like, I'm gonna leave before he notices me. You just do bear stuff.
30:17 Travis McElroy? I like that in Griffin's mind, when Justin was confronted with a bear in real life, Justin was like, hmm, better calmly think through my approach to this situation.
30:25 Travis McElroy? Guys, clearly. I am the same human being that had just gotten out of his car to see if that was indeed a bear. Okay? Logic was off the menu. I was just thinking and acting, no just doing.
30:39 Griffin McElroy? I'm saying bears can't yell.
30:40 Travis McElroy? Thank you.
30:41 Griffin McElroy? So, you're doing something that they've never seen before. That's the power of yelling. If a big, huge alien showed up and you were like, what's that thing? And then it did some sort of telepathic scream? You'd be like, what the fuck was that?
30:55 Travis McElroy? Yeah, I would get branches in each hand and spin around as I scream. You'd be like, wow, that would be really something else.
31:01 Travis McElroy? You could scream and start juggling.
31:03 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
31:04 Travis McElroy? That bear might have a heart attack.
31:05 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
31:06 Griffin McElroy? Pull out your phone, turn on any YouTube video. Check this shit out, bear?
31:11 Travis McElroy? Pull out your phone and use it to predict the weather.
31:16 Travis McElroy? Oh shit.
31:16 Travis McElroy? Oh shit, that bear's not gonna mess with you anymore. You can control the weather.
31:21 Griffin McElroy? And showed a picture of other sexy bears. That's right, bear. Spare me. I will provide you.
31:28 Travis McElroy? I have so much to offer.
31:29 Griffin McElroy? I will provide you with more earth sign pornography than your mic can handle.
31:34 Travis McElroy? This bear's name is Yogi and he's free and he's got a necktie and a hat. And you can be like Yogi too.
31:42 Travis McElroy? But then the bear has to deal with the idea of like assimilating to human culture.
31:46 Travis McElroy? Yeah, sure.
31:46 Travis McElroy? And the bear's like, no, I'm wild and free. I have no necktie, but I have my freedom.
31:52 Travis McElroy? My family has.
31:52 Travis McElroy? That's what bears sound like, right?
31:54 Travis McElroy? Yes. Something like that. Okay, I love my food spicy. At home, I can scove it up to my heart's content.
32:02 Griffin McElroy? That's, okay, yeah, I like that actually.
32:04 Travis McElroy? Scove it up. But when I dine in at restaurants, though, I struggle to communicate the extent to which I want them to sell me their spiciest potions. Some places have, if you said, sell me your spiciest potions, I bet they'd wanna hurt you pretty bad. Some places have a special safe word like Thai hot, but even then I usually have to do a round of confirming I know what I'm asking for. Is there a way I can deliver my order such that I don't have to justify my palate so often? That's from Bound by Buffalo Wild Desire. Are you here? Yeah.
32:38 Griffin McElroy? Alright, hell yeah. The voice of a true spicy food enthusiast.
32:44 Travis McElroy? If there was anything, this is very contrary to my way of walking through the world because if there was anything about me that was extreme to an extent where people had to be like, "Are you sure?" I would want to do that every time. Like, I would definitely want to go through the whole rigmarole of saying, "No, I'm a super tough guy, like you've seen on TV."
33:05 Griffin McElroy? I thought you were saying you're on a different walk because if any of us eats food that's too spicy, our tummies just sort of crumble and disintegrate and we double over in pain instantaneously.
33:15 Travis McElroy? That is a huge issue for us genetically. That's true, Griffin.
33:18 Travis McElroy? I think that there is a level of description that you could make in your order, making it clear that you know it's a ridiculous choice to do this. If you're like, "I want these, like, I want this thing to be the stupidest hot you've got, like, the amount that you wouldn't safely give a person." And they're like, "Oh, okay."
33:40 Travis McElroy? I can see the word that might, okay, I said at first that would be fun, but like, I think it might eventually get annoying because you feel like you're trying to justify to people like, "It's not a stunt. It's just how you like your food."
33:51 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
33:52 Travis McElroy? Super hot.
33:53 Griffin McElroy? Hold on, wait. Is it kind of a stunt?
33:54 Travis McElroy? A little bit? Yeah. Yeah. God, I love our listeners.
34:00 Travis McElroy? One time, while at a Buffalo Wild Wings, they had a blazing hot wings challenge.
34:05 Travis McElroy? Yes.
34:06 Travis McElroy? And I was like, I think 20, 21 years old, and I was with my older brother who's
34:09 Travis McElroy? Prime dipshit eating age.
34:12 Travis McElroy? I was with my older brother whose respect I'm always chasing. And so I did the blazing hot wings challenge.
34:18 Travis McElroy? He's gonna get it someday, folks, I'm sure.
34:20 Travis McElroy? Working there. And I finished, I did it, I achieved it. And while eating those hot wings, my toes went numb.
34:27 Travis McElroy? Yeah, yeah.
34:28 Travis McElroy? And everything hurt real bad.
34:31 Travis McElroy? You were so sick.
34:32 Travis McElroy? And I think I did long-lasting damage.
34:34 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
34:35 Travis McElroy? And I guess what I'm saying is, if you're doing this to earn Justin's respect, it's not worth it.
34:40 Travis McElroy? It's not worth it.
34:42 Griffin McElroy? I sank a 30-foot cornhole shot while Angels Stadium fireworks went off next door. Justin gave me fucking nothing.
34:48 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
34:50 Travis McElroy? I want to keep him working for it. I'm worried if I give them my approval, they'll die.
34:54 Griffin McElroy? Let me hit you, let me hit you with this. If you're a restaurant and you sell food that is traditionally pretty spicy, I think you should be allowed to have a special badge that you can give out to only your spiciest customers.
35:08 Travis McElroy? Oh, that's good.
35:10 Griffin McElroy? And that way you show up to a place, you're like, "Gimme, gimme a sloppin', sloppin' tie hot", you say, and they say, "What?", and then you say, "Please, your hottest food", and they say, "You can't handle that. You just show them your gym badges."
35:21 Travis McElroy? Check it out. This says, read the badge, it says, "Sloppin' hot."
35:26 Griffin McElroy? "Sloppin' hot at Doug's Chicken Boneyard. Goddamn, he doesn't just hand those things out. My apologies, sir."
35:34 Travis McElroy? I do think-
35:34 Travis McElroy? This is like medals for, like, service, things that you've achieved, like merit badges.
35:41 Travis McElroy? Yeah, you get, they fill out as bars, you know what I mean?
35:44 Griffin McElroy? And if your rate gets high enough, Admiral Guy Fieri will come to your house personally to decorate you.
35:50 Travis McElroy? And I think every bar should taste like the thing that you ate, so you can prove to people, like, "Oh, you don't think it's spicy? Lick the bar."
35:57 Travis McElroy? Lick my bar.
35:58 Travis McElroy? Lick this bar, tell me it's not-
35:59 Griffin McElroy? Lick my spicy bar.
36:00 Travis McElroy? Lick, tell me it's not spicy.
36:01 Travis McElroy? I do think, though, it would be, knowing that you have this, is almost like a, you could have a secret identity, in that you know you're someone who can handle the heat of the food. But when you order the food, you're like, "You know what? I'm gonna try something different today."
36:14 Travis McElroy? No.
36:14 Travis McElroy? "Let me get it the spiciest you have it." And they're like, "What? No way?", and you're like, "No, I, yeah, I think I want to try it."
36:20 Travis McElroy? This is the opposite effect.
36:21 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
36:22 Travis McElroy? But I think that-
36:23 Griffin McElroy? They said they don't want to do what you just said you should do.
36:26 Travis McElroy? But I think that what you're missing out on is that the server saying, "Are you sure", is a compliment.
36:33 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
36:33 Travis McElroy? That the heat that you can, you can take it is unbelievable to them.
36:38 Travis McElroy? Hey, has anybody ever taken it past your limit to where you said, "Oh, no, thank you"? Okay. The way, the tone was it-
36:46 Travis McElroy? No, that was not the same person.
36:47 Griffin McElroy? No, someone, they were completely silent.
36:49 Travis McElroy? That wasn't a general audience question.
36:51 Griffin McElroy? We don't need to put anyone on blast.
36:52 Travis McElroy? By a round of applause if you've ever eaten some food that's too spicy.
36:57 Griffin McElroy? Hey.
36:58 Travis McElroy? Okay, has anybody ever eaten something that couldn't have used more salt?
37:02 Griffin McElroy? All right, this is a weird segment.
37:05 Travis McElroy? Do y'all like ice cream? Okay, we got posters out in the lobby. Make sure you grab one.
37:09 Griffin McElroy? Thank you, Ben and Ari.
37:10 Travis McElroy? They're fantastic. Use the restroom. Buy one of these beautiful coins. All proceeds go to the Sacramento Food Bank of Family Services.
37:18 Griffin McElroy? Send in your questions for the second half of the show. We'll put instructions on the screen on how to do that. We'll be back in a little bit after intermission. Be right back.
37:25 Travis McElroy? Bye.
37:36 Travis McElroy? Cats. Despite being in human beings' lives for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, we still know almost nothing about them. Where do they come from? Why are they like that? How do they do the things that they do? Literally, no one knows. But the one thing that we do know about cats is that they love Smalls Cat Food. That's why we're so excited to have sponsoring us this week, Smalls Cat Food. Smalls Cat Food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients you'd find in your fridge, and it's delivered right to your door. That's why cats.com, which is like the website that cats go to, named Smalls their best overall cat food.
38:18 Travis McElroy? After switching to Smalls, 88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements, and that's a big deal. If you love your pets the way that I love my pets, you know you want to do everything you can to keep them healthy, keep them happy, and keep them going. And the team at Smalls is so confident your cat will love their product that you can try it risk-free. That means they will refund you if your cat won't eat their food, but I don't think that will be a problem because it's delicious and nutritious. So for a limited time, only because you are my brother, my brother Emmy listener, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to Smalls.com/MyBrother. That's 60% off when you head over to Smalls.com, S-M-A-L-L-S, dot com slash MyBrother, plus free shipping. Again, that's Smalls.
39:06 Travis McElroy? Also want to take a quick second to tell you about our upcoming shows and stuff. Next up, we're going to be in Atlanta and we're doing Taz versus Popeye, which is going to be absolutely silly and wild, energy off the charts, probably some of the dumbest stuff we've ever done and you're not going to want to miss it. We're also going to be doing My Brother, My Brother and Me and we'll be at Dragon Con. Coming up, we're going to also be in Texas, Utah and California. All Taz shows for the rest of the year will be Taz versus. Tickets for all those shows are on sale now. More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly/macroytours. We also have a bunch of new merch to go check that out.
39:46 Travis McElroy? macroymerch.com and go to bit.ly/macroytours for all the ticket links and information with our upcoming live shows. And now, back to the show.
39:59 Speaker 05 Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where Black People Love Paramore comes in. We're a pop culture podcast taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint, she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited, no matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.
40:42 Speaker 06 Hello?
40:43 Speaker 07 Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast.
40:46 Speaker 06 No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye.
40:48 Speaker 07 It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.
40:53 Speaker 06 I don't know what a Josie Long is and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old, she's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones, I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I?
41:11 Speaker 07 Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast.
41:13 Speaker 06 Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.
41:19 Speaker 07 Simply go to MaximumFun.org.
41:21 Speaker 06 I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother, mother, not that hat.
41:27 Travis McElroy? No! Oh, fuck!
41:30 Griffin McElroy? Gotta get up a little earlier to be this fast ass.
41:34 Travis McElroy? I love it when you say that, Griffin.
41:36 Griffin McElroy? I say that shit all the time. I'm so fast in my life, for real. (mimicking a dog barking) Whoa, whoa.
41:47 Travis McElroy? This is so embarrassing when this happens during the podcast.
41:50 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, that was a shriek of terror, by the way, not a scream of excitement.
41:55 Travis McElroy? Haunted Doll Watch is here, it's happening now, these things are still out there on the electronic bay, and they got ghosts inside of them and there's nothing you can do about it, and people are still out there selling them, and eBay won't stop them, even though they're my, people are getting hurt.
42:09 Griffin McElroy? Cause they can just make a new account pretty easy on eBay, no problem.
42:14 Travis McElroy? Alright, let's get started, Paul.
42:17 Griffin McElroy? Yeah?
42:17 Travis McElroy? First up.
42:18 Griffin McElroy? What? Awesome.
42:20 Travis McElroy? What?
42:20 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, man, a double.
42:22 Travis McElroy? It's got a bonus.
42:23 Griffin McElroy? It's like how sometimes you buy a He-Man action figure and he would have a Battle Cat like with him?
42:28 Travis McElroy? But the, the second part of that, I know what all those words mean individually.
42:33 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
42:34 Travis McElroy? But together, they've created a strange word salad that I can't parse.
42:38 Griffin McElroy? I want us to meet Liddellia so bad.
42:40 Travis McElroy? I don't, I want you to meet Liddellia, this, uh, this is at the beginning of the listing.
42:49 Griffin McElroy? Fuck.
42:49 Travis McElroy? Whispers in the night, no one in sight, secrets of the dead, no lies are said. The shadows on the wall, seek to tell us all, the future be foretold to the living soul.
43:02 Travis McElroy? What?
43:02 Travis McElroy? I don't know, it's just that part rhymes, I assume there's a-
43:04 Travis McElroy? Was that from the website? For a second, I thought you had made it up after seeing Liddellia.
43:09 Griffin McElroy? You're reading it off a Google document, but now I'm realizing you probably just copied the eBay copy to a Google document.
43:15 Travis McElroy? You weren't moved by-
43:16 Griffin McElroy? I thought, Justin, Travis and I both looked over at your computer and thought you wrote a little scary doll song.
43:22 Travis McElroy? Paul, did you capture the part of the website that has that text? Okay, so, no, it's just on the website. We believe him, Paul. You don't have to prove it.
43:30 Travis McElroy? Paul, actually, can you go back to the first image of the listing? Because I want to read the title.
43:36 Travis McElroy? Paul, they're right. I shouldn't have distracted you, Paul. I'm sorry.
43:38 Travis McElroy? "Honadal Ladelia appears with her ghost cat twigs. See video!"
43:43 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
43:43 Travis McElroy? "Eyes move. OMG!"
43:45 Travis McElroy? We're gonna get there, don't worry. Uh, "Meet Ladelia. She's the most active spiritual porter we've ever had the pleasure of offering."
43:53 Travis McElroy? This also, this shot, though, makes it look like a still from a scene in a movie where a guy is remembering his dead wife.
44:00 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
44:00 Travis McElroy? And she's like, "Oh, give the camera out of my face."
44:02 Travis McElroy? There's a thousand-yard stare happening there.
44:05 Travis McElroy? Oh, Bill, don't.
44:06 Travis McElroy? "Ladelia was a young woman who lived in the 1700s. Her father was a filthy rich railroad tycoon."
44:12 Travis McElroy? "Promise me we'll be together forever, Bill."
44:16 Travis McElroy? "One of the most notable 1700s railroad tycoons. Her father was a filthy rich one, and after his death..."
44:21 Travis McElroy? Which one?
44:22 Travis McElroy? "Ladelia inherited his entire fortune since she was his only child. She lived in a lavish gigantic mansion and wore clothing made from the finest materials available at the time."
44:32 Travis McElroy? Wait, hold on. In the 1700s?
44:36 Travis McElroy? Yeah, it's hemp and, uh...
44:38 Travis McElroy? Were there railroad tycoons in the 1700s?
44:41 Travis McElroy? Nah, but what can you do? Ladelia was extremely...
44:44 Travis McElroy? That doesn't... I'm not a history expert.
44:47 Travis McElroy? I mentioned that earlier.
44:49 Travis McElroy? That doesn't quite sit right.
44:50 Travis McElroy? Okay, she was born in 1799. Yeah.
44:53 Travis McElroy? Oh, okay.
44:54 Travis McElroy? Ladelia was...
44:55 Travis McElroy? I'm gonna get into railroad!
44:57 Travis McElroy? Ladelia was extremely beautiful, but somewhat aloof. She fell above most of the men who begged for her hand in marriage.
45:03 Travis McElroy? That's an aloof stare right there. I see it.
45:05 Travis McElroy? That is until she met Zane.
45:09 Travis McElroy? Billy Zane!
45:10 Travis McElroy? Zane was not rich, but he made up for it in his looks. He was drop-dead gorgeous, with wavy black hair and blue eyes. The woman in the small town swooned over him and dreamed of having him for a husband, but he only loved one girl: Ladelia. I, I could...
45:27 Travis McElroy? That's me!
45:30 Griffin McElroy? You could strain angel hair pasta with those eyelashes, man.
45:36 Travis McElroy? They courted for a very short time until he asked her to marry him. She pretended to, quote, "have to think about it," but she was dying to say yes.
45:44 Travis McElroy? How do you know this story? Did LaDelia tell you this?
45:47 Travis McElroy? Yes.
45:47 Travis McElroy? Is it word for word from her mouth?
45:49 Travis McElroy? This is straight from her.
45:49 Travis McElroy? So, I pretended to have to think about it. I know, coquettish.
45:52 Travis McElroy? Zane left the next day after the proposal to travel to another town for work. On the way back, his carriage left the road. He struck a tree and went into a deep gorge and was killed instantly. Upon hearing the news of her beloved Zane, LaDelia took her own life by hanging herself from a lavish balcony adorned in gold. And her fortune went to, you guessed it, her cat, Twigs.
46:15 Travis McElroy? Oh.
46:20 Travis McElroy? Hold on.
46:21 Travis McElroy? LaDelia dwells in the-
46:23 Travis McElroy? Did they really include a picture of a cat?
46:25 Griffin McElroy? It's so cool that this 1700s tease had a cat that is also now featured in stock images all across the internet.
46:36 Travis McElroy? Can I tell you? I have lived my life making a number of choices that lead me to believe that if there was a story of a young woman dying and leaving a huge fortune to a cat, I would know about it already.
46:49 Griffin McElroy? There would have been a Disney Channel original movie on this subject.
46:53 Travis McElroy? Right. LaDelia's eyes sparkle with a spiritual wisdom and her facial expressions change. Orbs can be seen around her often.
47:01 Griffin McElroy? She's always fucking orbs, man.
47:03 Travis McElroy? Yeah, man. They never do cubes or something.
47:06 Griffin McElroy? Check out my cones.
47:08 Travis McElroy? She often moves things frequently, but is primarily a helping spirit. Her cat, Twigs, often manifests with her. He is a large orange cat. You may hear him meowing at times. It's so fucked that it'll be like, every once in a while, there's a slight glimmer of light and maybe a ghost cat.
47:24 Travis McElroy? Not pictured.
47:25 Travis McElroy? It's like such a huge disparity between the two.
47:28 Travis McElroy? Also, does the cat manifest at regular cat size while she's doll size? Cause that's gotta freak her being out real hard.
47:36 Travis McElroy? Paul, can we see-
47:36 Travis McElroy? Like, he's the size of a jungle cat now.
47:39 Travis McElroy? Paul, I'd love to, if we could watch the video, and this is, we've never done this on Haunted Doll Watch, and have video confirmed evidence of Haunted Dolls. Here we go.
47:46 Griffin McElroy? Okay.
47:49 Griffin McElroy? Oh.
47:52 Travis McElroy? Aw, dude, no. I think that...
47:57 Travis McElroy? Okay, I mean, it's just like, this one's haunted, so I don't know what you guys... You were...
48:01 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, sorry.
48:01 Travis McElroy? Can I just say?
48:02 Travis McElroy? You were like, "Can I just say, guys? You were pretty brave when you were laughing about it a second ago, um... I don't know why, now that you see that it is indeed haunted, as you were promised."
48:12 Travis McElroy? The trailer for Megan 2.0 makes it look way less interesting than the first one.
48:18 Griffin McElroy? Well, yeah, Paul, why did we... Why? Why did you think we needed to see Garf... Fucking, real-life Garfield again?
48:24 Travis McElroy? You guys talking shit about Liddellia?
48:26 Travis McElroy? Let's... Let's meet our next, uh, incredible haunted doll.
48:35 Travis McElroy? Heather is that rare doll that wanted to have it all. Let's meet her!
48:38 Travis McElroy? I'm so excited for this Ally McBeal reboot.
48:40 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
48:43 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, dude! What she got there? Oh, she has her own spectrometer. That's rad, man.
48:49 Travis McElroy? Okay, listen. I rarely include the ones with death stories unless they're pretty funny. Heather is the positive spirit of a 16-year-old girl. Her lifespan was from 1999 to 2015.
49:02 Griffin McElroy? Holy shit, man!
49:04 Travis McElroy? When I asked how she died, she said, quote, "I ate peanuts by mistake, they were in ramen noodles." Hey, I hope she doesn't blame herself, because that's not her fault. She said she was at a restaurant when she ate them.
49:18 Griffin McElroy? It's so insane for them to conjure a new ghost. It's so fucked up and weird.
49:25 Travis McElroy? And show them in that outfit. Imagine being a 16-year-old girl who died in 2015, and then you wake up an adult and you're wearing that shit.
49:33 Travis McElroy? No way, man.
49:35 Travis McElroy? You can change my clothes, right, Barbara? Right? Put me in some jeans!
49:42 Travis McElroy? Heather inhabited this vessel in 2015. That's the year she died, so it's good to know she didn't spin a year just like, spinning around the globe, streaking.
49:51 Travis McElroy? I was just ghost backpacking around Europe. I took a gap year.
49:55 Travis McElroy? Yeah. Heather lived in Arkansas with her mom and dad. She had an older sister named Haley, who was 17 years old. They had a dog named Victor. Heather said they were a really close family and a happy household. Heather was a sophomore in high school. She liked school, and her favorite subject was, quote, "science." I asked Heather what she... Like, her future family know about her. She replied, quote, "I am really good at reading people's mannerisms." I am really good at taking bar exam questions. I asked if she wanted to be a lawyer and she said, yes, I studied pre-law on my own. She also said, I am good at poker.
50:31 Travis McElroy? Okay, can I just say? How fucking incredible would it be, you show up to your friend's weekly poker game, you pull Heather out, you sit her on the table.
50:41 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
50:41 Travis McElroy? She's facing everybody. You've worked out a system with her. Where she's gonna clue you in. And also, you're taking the bar exam at the same time.
50:49 Travis McElroy? Right. If she makes two orbs, it means you can raise. Three orbs means fold.
50:55 Travis McElroy? Can I also, I would like to point out that if this spirit died in 2015.
51:01 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
51:01 Travis McElroy? The idea of asking her, what would you like your future family to know?
51:05 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
51:05 Travis McElroy? And not, what would you like me to tell your current existing family?
51:10 Travis McElroy? Yeah, it's a good point. We could pass along, as long as we're passing along messages to Heather. You wanna tell them what? Cool, cool, cool. Anyway, I'm going to sell you on eBay now. Heather's favorites, here's some of her favorites. Favorite hobby? I like reading pre-law books. Favorite food? Apples. Favorite sit? What if it was peanuts?
51:30 Travis McElroy? I know, bitter irony, huh?
51:32 Travis McElroy? Can't fucking help myself. Favorite food? Apples. Favorite sit? Apples.
51:36 Travis McElroy? What are pre-law books?
51:38 Travis McElroy? She gets so hungry. She's like, ooh, apples. I smell them and now I'm gonna eat them. Uh, her favorite color is red, favorite animal is tiger.
51:46 Travis McElroy? That's her hair.
51:47 Travis McElroy? Yeah, she would prefer to sleep in her owner's bedroom at night, but not in the bed. I asked what she'd like to do in her new home and her reply was, I wanna read pre-law books. She says she's happy reading off the computer if there are no books available.
52:01 Travis McElroy? Can I just say, Heather, I have bad news for you. You're dead. So worrying about pre-anything is kind of unimportant.
52:11 Travis McElroy? Yeah. Yeah.
52:12 Travis McElroy? You're not gonna get to law.
52:15 Travis McElroy? Unless. Unless.
52:17 Travis McElroy? Oh shit.
52:17 Travis McElroy? No, there isn't.
52:18 Travis McElroy? No, a poker, a poker-playing ghost lawyer?
52:22 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
52:23 Travis McElroy? Yes, please, I'd watch that.
52:26 Travis McElroy? I'm Tracy, by the way, a seasoned paranormal investigator, a clairvoyant and an empath. I recently started collecting haunted dolls. It makes you wonder what she was doing before she started doing that, doesn't it? It's such a weird thing that she loves doll ghosts, but didn't dip into collecting them until just recently. This led me to begin collecting haunted dolls and objects, taking them home to investigate and then adopting them out. Um, okay, let's move on. Can we talk about our last doll, Paul? Paul, the last doll, Paul, Paul doll, Paul the doll.
52:59 Griffin McElroy? Oh, shit.
53:01 Travis McElroy? Huh, yeah.
53:03 Griffin McElroy? I don't know if we want to fuck with possessed demonic aggressive video of scratches paranormal, man.
53:08 Travis McElroy? Yeah, well, if you think- I like that they put paranormal at the end of that list. As if it's like, hey, in case it wasn't clear, this isn't normal.
53:17 Griffin McElroy? This is a normal demonic possessed aggressive video.
53:20 Travis McElroy? You think you don't want him now, but wait, you feast your eyes on this bad boy.
53:32 Griffin McElroy? It's Kai Yousef.
53:37 Travis McElroy? Excellent.
53:38 Griffin McElroy? Thanks.
53:39 Travis McElroy? Excellent.
53:42 Travis McElroy? I'm very tickled by the price because it is $56.66. So they wanted to get 666 in there, but also $50.
53:54 Griffin McElroy? Travis, if you can see, it's 15% off. It used to be 66.66. The number of the Turbo Bees. I'm Satan's dad.
54:04 Travis McElroy? Or four payments on Klarna.
54:11 Travis McElroy? Oh, no, you drove a little too far. Hell is 666. This is Doug's house, it's 6666.
54:18 Travis McElroy? Buyer chickened out.
54:21 Travis McElroy? I'm eager to sell him, so please make a reasonable offer and it will be accepted and shipped ASAP.
54:27 Griffin McElroy? There's no sense of scale to this image. He could be seven and a half feet tall.
54:32 Speaker 08 Hello?
54:34 Travis McElroy? Listen, listing-
54:35 Travis McElroy? It's giving me such strong, you just knocked on his door and he's like, "I told you I'm busy!"
54:41 Travis McElroy? I just, is the fiction of it that they saw this happen? Like, is that the fiction? Okay, uh, the listing has been updated with a video-
54:49 Griffin McElroy? Look at those big fucking feet.
54:52 Griffin McElroy? I like him.
54:53 Travis McElroy? He's got pinchable cheeks and a powerful crucifix.
54:56 Travis McElroy? Both, but at the moment, a photo was uploaded that containing both those feet and a cross, it should have been taken down by-
55:03 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
55:04 Travis McElroy? -bots or something. Um, listing updated with video after my husband was scratched.
55:10 Griffin McElroy? Fuck yeah.
55:11 Travis McElroy? It's a spot he cannot reach. He-
55:14 Travis McElroy? What?
55:15 Travis McElroy? He files down his nails to nothing. And no, we do not have any cats or dogs at the moment.
55:22 Griffin McElroy? It could only have been Kenny.
55:24 Travis McElroy? Now, I don't have the video, cause like, you don't need that, but like, is there, do you have the still image?
55:29 Travis McElroy? Is this a video of him, his scratch?
55:31 Travis McElroy? Well, it's like, the, no, it's her, like, she filmed the video and she's like, "See? See the ghost?"
55:36 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, I don't wanna look at it. I don't wanna look at it back.
55:38 Travis McElroy? Thanks, Paul. That's plenty, thanks.
55:38 Travis McElroy? Can I just say-
55:39 Griffin McElroy? But there's no way he could have reached that himself. That had to be the baby doll.
55:42 Travis McElroy? They don't have any cats or dogs at the moment. I mean, that's the truth.
55:44 Travis McElroy? Maybe the most powerful-
55:45 Griffin McElroy? Make that go away, please, Paul. Thank you so much.
55:48 Travis McElroy? That should go in a Hall of Fame of excuses husbands give to cover up infidelity.
55:54 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, yeah.
55:55 Travis McElroy? How'd you get these scratches on your back?
55:57 Griffin McElroy? Damn.
55:57 Travis McElroy? The haunted doll did it. Now- That's right. I know that I was out of town over the weekend when, but it was the doll, honey.
56:06 Travis McElroy? I would like to remind you guys that to this point, I've not established the name of the doll.
56:10 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, yeah, no, I took a guess at it.
56:11 Travis McElroy? Paul is not to be trusted.
56:17 Travis McElroy? He is portraying himself as a man, but he is a demon. He inflicts scratches on the skin.
56:23 Travis McElroy? And puts lipstick stains on my husband's collars.
56:26 Travis McElroy? He infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears. And then he drops the temperature of the room.
56:32 Griffin McElroy? What are we looking at?
56:34 Travis McElroy? It's a scientific document, Griffin.
56:36 Travis McElroy? What's the diagram of the lines Caesar's ghost?
56:39 Travis McElroy? Oh, listen to him again. Every time you are presented with actual evidence, concrete facts like this, you get all freaked out. Like, this is science, guys.
56:49 Griffin McElroy? Oh shit, I didn't, okay, wait, I'm reading the person who wrote this and put this listing of resale was the predator. So this makes, this makes a time.
56:56 Travis McElroy? Are you telling me that this doll produces body heat?
57:00 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, that sucks, man.
57:00 Travis McElroy? He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates your sleep.
57:05 Travis McElroy? What'd you fucking say?
57:07 Travis McElroy? To infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears. And drops the temperature in the room dramatically when he was present. A passing scent of sulfur is not uncommon as well.
57:19 Travis McElroy? He farts all over the place. This dude ripping rotten egg toots left and right. The cross is there to keep him contained?
57:29 Griffin McElroy? I wanna be here for this photo shoot. You know the photographer at some point had to be like, damn, Paul, we got enough pictures of you with the cross. No, man, trust me. Keep going.
57:40 Travis McElroy? Are my feet in it? That's what the people wanna see? Yeah, no, your feet are in it, Paul.
57:46 Griffin McElroy? Promise me you're.
57:50 Travis McElroy? Okay.
57:54 Travis McElroy? Please use caution. Please use caution around him and do not provoke him unless you are an experienced paranormal enthusiast. Who knows how to protect themselves.
58:02 Griffin McElroy? At this point, I think that does describe us.
58:04 Travis McElroy? That's true. So thank you. That's your haunted doll watch for this evening. Thank you very much.
58:10 Griffin McElroy? All right. Folks, we are gonna call some people down to the microphone. You've been kind enough to send us your questions. We will call you down by your name and seat number.
58:19 Travis McElroy? The microphone is right here.
58:20 Griffin McElroy? Hi.
58:21 Speaker 08 Hi, my name is John Kay. Pronounce him.
58:25 Griffin McElroy? Hi, John.
58:26 Speaker 08 John. I'm a health inspector for a living. People hate seeing me coming. They get nervous, they get sad. How could I lighten the mood?
58:33 Travis McElroy? Okay, I just wanna be clear. If I am eating at the restaurant, I get very excited to see you coming. I say, "Woohoo, do it." "Get 'em, John, get 'em." That's my hero, John, a hard ass. He's gonna get back there and get 'em. Get 'em, protect me, John.
58:49 Travis McElroy? Wouldn't you rather see him before you start eating at the restaurant? You've just sat down, and then the server's like, "What do you wanna eat?" And you're like, "I'm gonna wait till John's done."
58:57 Travis McElroy? Yeah. I want him to catch him in the act. I want him to come out and be like, "Justin, stop." Don't.
59:04 Travis McElroy? Oh, you want that Gordon Ramsay moment of like, "Shut it down. Shut it down, we can't eat this. Shut it down, throw that away. This is garbage."
59:12 Griffin McElroy? Can I ask, John, this must be an immensely uncomfortable position that you have put yourself into. What kinda heat are you usually bringing when someone sees you coming and is clearly in a panic because they live a messy life?
59:27 Speaker 08 I'm a very talkative person, so I try to talk them through it as if it's like a surgery or a test. And so I...
59:34 Griffin McElroy? Pretend. Are you comfortable with role-playing?
59:37 Speaker 08 Sure.
59:38 Griffin McElroy? We're three chefs and we own a restaurant. You've just walked in and obviously it's a big spaghetti...
59:42 Travis McElroy? Can I actually be head of hospitality and I'm checking people in? I don't wanna be a chef. I don't think I could handle that kinda pressure. I think it would bring out the worst in me.
59:51 Griffin McElroy? All right.
59:52 Travis McElroy? I'd rather handle more...
59:53 Griffin McElroy? I'll be DeBair. And Juice, you can be...
59:55 Travis McElroy? I wanna be the district manager, so I'm more at the home office overseeing stuff.
1:00:00 Travis McElroy? Are you present during the inspection? Okay, he's not there.
1:00:02 Griffin McElroy? All right, we're ready. He's the lead concierge, I'm DeBair, and Juice is a businessman.
1:00:08 Speaker 08 Okay.
1:00:08 Griffin McElroy? Go ahead.
1:00:09 Speaker 08 So, hi, my name is John. I'm gonna be inspecting your facility today. As a reminder, this is just a sampling exercise. I'm only gonna see a portion of your...
1:00:16 Travis McElroy? Oh, fuck you, cousin, eh!
1:00:17 Travis McElroy? Hey, hey, don't talk to John like that, cousin!
1:00:20 Travis McElroy? Bang!
1:00:21 Travis McElroy? Nah, he's here to help us! Sorry, John, go on.
1:00:25 Speaker 08 It's fine, it's fine. I understand this can be very stressful.
1:00:28 Travis McElroy? Hey, you seem nervous. What's the matter, John?
1:00:31 Griffin McElroy? He's nervous because you're yelling at him!
1:00:32 Travis McElroy? It's me, DePaul. I'm popping out of this child's Halloween costume.
1:00:37 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:00:38 Travis McElroy? We're gonna have to call our district manager, John.
1:00:41 Travis McElroy? Yeah, sick tell him 60 shares, stop breaking my balls.
1:00:44 Travis McElroy? Hold on.
1:00:46 Travis McElroy? Yeah, this is the business office?
1:00:47 Travis McElroy? Hey, um, John's here and we're trying to distract him.
1:00:50 Travis McElroy? Oh, we're fucked!
1:00:50 Travis McElroy? Yeah, man.
1:00:51 Travis McElroy? We're fucked! Not John, fuck!
1:00:54 Travis McElroy? Yeah, so we're trying to distract him by doing something with the bear.
1:00:55 Travis McElroy? Wait, can you, listen, ask, shh, ask him if any, is he looking at you right now?
1:00:59 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:01:00 Travis McElroy? Ask if anybody knows where he is. Does anybody else know he's here?
1:01:04 Travis McElroy? Do you have anyone that'll miss you?
1:01:06 Travis McElroy? Not like that, fuck!
1:01:07 Travis McElroy? John, you're gonna be sleeping with the fishes, DePaul!
1:01:12 Travis McElroy? No, stop it, goddamn it, guys!
1:01:15 Travis McElroy? I have a special on the menu, it's a John steak.
1:01:19 Travis McElroy? Hey Travis, I'm legally giving you ownership of the restaurant. I am no longer legally affiliated with it from this point forward.
1:01:25 Speaker 08 You guys don't even-
1:01:26 Travis McElroy? John, we got him. Here's your finder's feed, John. Thanks for helping us.
1:01:31 Griffin McElroy? John, is there a way where you can do your job without them knowing you've been there doing it?
1:01:36 Speaker 08 No, there's no-
1:01:37 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, no, it would have to be some Pink Panther level hijinks, I think.
1:01:42 Travis McElroy? Is that illegal? Is there like health inspector entrapment kinda deal?
1:01:46 Speaker 08 Yeah, I have to, I have to tell them that everything is confidential. So if I show up and just start taking notes without them knowing, it's gonna violate, like, violate some confidentiality rules.
1:01:54 Griffin McElroy? Well, no, you would have like a-
1:01:55 Travis McElroy? Can you tell us some of the stuff you've seen at these confidential inspections?
1:01:58 Griffin McElroy? You would come in with like a hat box with a camera in it or some, some shit.
1:02:02 Travis McElroy? And a big mustache. That's not part of the surveillance. It would just be fun.
1:02:06 Travis McElroy? When you mention stuff to people, John, do they, when you mention stuff to people, do they have to like fight the urge to try to fix it right then?
1:02:15 Speaker 08 Oh, they do, all the time. They fix, try to fix it right then. They show them.
1:02:17 Travis McElroy? You say, "No, I already saw it. It's in my little notebook."
1:02:19 Speaker 08 They're like, "No, can I, can you take it off? I already fixed it." And I was like, "It was here when I got here."
1:02:23 Travis McElroy? Yeah, so, yeah.
1:02:25 Griffin McElroy? Have you, and John, you haven't said your full last name, so you still have plausible deniability. I do just wanna remind you of that, but have you ever granted clemency to a Ratatouille?
1:02:36 Griffin McElroy? Have you ever-
1:02:37 Travis McElroy? You crack down on Ratatouilles?
1:02:39 Griffin McElroy? John said no immediately, which means every Ratatouille that you detect, you catch and kill by sundown.
1:02:46 Travis McElroy? How many Ratatouilles have you murdered, John?
1:02:48 Travis McElroy? John kills Ratatouilles on sight.
1:02:50 Griffin McElroy? Wait, hold on. Okay, now I can see John's wearing a cape made of Ratatouille pelts.
1:02:55 Travis McElroy? He's got a t-shirt that says Rat-a-tat-tat-touille, and it's got pictures of guns on it.
1:03:00 Griffin McElroy? Jesus.
1:03:01 Travis McElroy? There's seven guns on this shirt.
1:03:04 Griffin McElroy? John, does that help? Thank you for keeping us safe, John.
1:03:07 Travis McElroy? Thank you, John. Thank you for your heroic service.
1:03:12 Travis McElroy? Hello, my friend.
1:03:14 Speaker 09 Hello.
1:03:15 Griffin McElroy? Hi.
1:03:16 Speaker 09 My name's Gretchen.
1:03:17 Griffin McElroy? Hi, Gretchen.
1:03:18 Speaker 09 Hi. Right now, I'm house-sitting for a family, and one of the daughters has let me borrow her car while I'm house-sitting.
1:03:27 Griffin McElroy? Cool.
1:03:28 Speaker 09 Which is great, because my car is at the mechanic right now.
1:03:31 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
1:03:31 Speaker 09 But the problem is that she has a student driver sticker on the back of her car, the left side of her car, and the right side of her car.
1:03:40 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
1:03:40 Travis McElroy? So she's really bad at it, huh?
1:03:44 Speaker 09 Yeah.
1:03:45 Griffin McElroy? A lot of vectors of badness in the driving.
1:03:48 Speaker 09 And like, I don't want people to think I'm a student driver.
1:03:50 Travis McElroy? Is she a student driver?
1:03:52 Speaker 09 I think she's just really bad at it. I think it's been a few years.
1:03:56 Griffin McElroy? Aren't we all students of driving, dope driving?
1:03:59 Travis McElroy? I actually, when I read this question, I started thinking like, I think I could sign up for the luxury of having everyone on the road just assuming I'm gonna fuck up. I can't, no matter what you do, you have 100% cleanliness. I would love everyone to lower their expectations of me while- I see so many people nodding right now.
1:04:20 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, dude. If you could get a student driver bumper sticker and a baby onboard bumper sticker.
1:04:27 Travis McElroy? If I could be a, if I could get a student liver t-shirt, like, I'm a student, this whole thing, the whole business.
1:04:34 Travis McElroy? Think we should start selling car decals that say grad student driver?
1:04:38 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:04:39 Travis McElroy? Because I think that whatever action you take on the road, if someone sees that on the side of your car, it's gonna distract them long enough while they're like, "What does that mean?" And then you're gone. You're a ghost in the night.
1:04:51 Griffin McElroy? What if you got a badge when you first got your license? It's like, "Great driver." And if you fuck up one time, you lose it. And so if you're driving around and someone sees it, they're like, "I guess it was my fault."
1:05:04 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:05:04 Griffin McElroy? That person's never fucked up.
1:05:06 Travis McElroy? They're always right.
1:05:07 Griffin McElroy? They're like, "Show me your badge." And you show them, and they're like, "This says you ate the spiciest buffalo wings at Craig's Chicken Palace."
1:05:14 Travis McElroy? But you know what? I respect that.
1:05:17 Griffin McElroy? Why, uh, may I ask Gretchen, why do you not want to be mistaken as a student, uh, driver?
1:05:23 Speaker 09 I think I'm a really good driver.
1:05:25 Travis McElroy? Okay, thank you. I'm glad that this came up because do you think there are maneuvers that you could execute? Where they'd be like, "That's no student driver."
1:05:34 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:05:34 Travis McElroy? A student driver couldn't do that.
1:05:36 Griffin McElroy? Car says they're a student driver, but they're driving backwards tenant style.
1:05:40 Travis McElroy? They somehow pulled off a one-point turn. How'd they do that? That car just bounced over traffic like it was Inspector Gadsden's car.
1:05:49 Griffin McElroy? Holy shit.
1:05:51 Speaker 09 I just like, don't want people to be worried when they see me doing like, doing my driving.
1:05:58 Travis McElroy? Right, doing your thing.
1:06:00 Travis McElroy? You don't want them to get all judgmental if you go in for a funky three-point turn that they don't agree with. It's like, "Yeah, we've all been out here a while, alright? I've earned the right."
1:06:10 Travis McElroy? Oh, get like a mortarboard hat, and then every time someone makes eye contact with you, take it off and throw it up in the air. And they're like, "Oh no, they graduated just now."
1:06:19 Griffin McElroy? Those are old bumper stickers. Uh, does that help Gretchen?
1:06:24 Speaker 09 Yeah.
1:06:24 Griffin McElroy? Cool, thank you so much.
1:06:31 Speaker 10 Brothers, brothers, brothers, I have a question for you.
1:06:33 Griffin McElroy? Yeah, hey, what's your name?
1:06:35 Speaker 10 My name is Jesse, I go by He Day.
1:06:37 Griffin McElroy? Okay, so is Rob, was that an indicator of your seat number?
1:06:40 Speaker 10 I dropped my phone.
1:06:41 Griffin McElroy? Oh, okay.
1:06:42 Travis McElroy? You dropped your phone on Rob?
1:06:44 Speaker 10 Didn't correct it, on Rob.
1:06:45 Griffin McElroy? Awesome, man.
1:06:47 Travis McElroy? Can you angle the microphone up just a little bit?
1:06:49 Speaker 10 A little bit more.
1:06:50 Griffin McElroy? What's your question?
1:06:51 Speaker 10 So, I work with ethical hackers, and the marketing minds that all of you are can help us, because right now, we only have one slogan: "I'm in."
1:07:02 Griffin McElroy? "I'm in"?
1:07:02 Travis McElroy? That's pretty good.
1:07:03 Griffin McElroy? Is the slogan for ethical hacking is "I'm in"?
1:07:06 Speaker 10 Is "I'm in."
1:07:07 Griffin McElroy? Okay, cool.
1:07:07 Speaker 10 We're hacking in general, I feel like. But we're looking for a new one. Can you please help us come up with the new "I have compromised the system, aha."
1:07:17 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
1:07:18 Travis McElroy? I'm sensually in, because it's ethical.
1:07:21 Griffin McElroy? Jesse, I appreciate the narrative layer you've applied to this question, as if you're going to walk from this theater and get on the boards, and be like, "Don't worry, guys. Don't worry, cyber surfers, we got a new catchphrase."
1:07:38 Travis McElroy? Hot off the presses.
1:07:40 Griffin McElroy? What's up, console cowboys? We got some new shit from the mackerel boys.
1:07:44 Travis McElroy? Everybody fucking plug in. We've got the new cyber juice, or whatever you guys use.
1:07:49 Griffin McElroy? Riz up your neck, guys, we got a new dispatch. We got a new brain dance from the mackerel freaks. The supreme neuro jockeys have got a new one. Jesse, have you ever, and please answer honestly, have you ever unironically done a cool hack and then said reflexively, "I'm in", and then thought like, "Wow, I really did it, I really said it"?
1:08:16 Speaker 10 Yeah.
1:08:17 Griffin McElroy? Yeah. I appreciate the honesty and the thought.
1:08:22 Travis McElroy? I think maybe we're in, because that shows a little bit more of a collective spirit.
1:08:26 Travis McElroy? Oh, that's good.
1:08:27 Travis McElroy? I'm in, but you guys can come over and look at my screen, or push whatever buttons you want. Like, we're all in together.
1:08:33 Griffin McElroy? Yeah. Yeah. Google "The Matrix screenplay", and just any line that you want from it.
1:08:43 Travis McElroy? So, instead of like, "Not like this", you say, "Oh, yeah, like that."
1:08:47 Griffin McElroy? Like this.
1:08:47 Travis McElroy? They never follow that up.
1:08:49 Griffin McElroy? Yeah.
1:08:49 Travis McElroy? "Not like this, like that." What if you just yelled "Yatsi"?
1:08:52 Travis McElroy? Yatsi's good.
1:08:54 Travis McElroy? Can I try it? Is that like a cool hacker thing to do? Yatsi! Can I try it out right now? Yeah. Yatsi.
1:09:00 Griffin McElroy? Nope.
1:09:00 Travis McElroy? Okay, what about, what about "The quarterback is toast"?
1:09:05 Griffin McElroy? Oh my god, "The quarterback is toast", is very powerful, very strong. I mean, can you try, can you like say "Bazinga", but be like cute and embarrassed about it? Like, "Bazinga", like, under your breath?
1:09:19 Travis McElroy? Fuck.
1:09:20 Griffin McElroy? No, I don't want to make that.
1:09:22 Travis McElroy? What about, what about "I respect myself"? Just something that shows not only are you in, but it's unlocked something within yourself that you've learned about yourself in that day, where you just say, "I am capable and good enough." Am I saying all these now? Yeah.
1:09:36 Travis McElroy? Yeah, you got to, it's a mouthful. Maybe like, "And the keyboard wasn't even plugged in."
1:09:42 Travis McElroy? Oh.
1:09:44 Travis McElroy? And it turns out it wasn't.
1:09:45 Griffin McElroy? What if you say, "Yummy"? And also, every time you sit down to hack, you tuck a little bib in, and you set out some silverware, and then you hack, and then people are like...
1:09:56 Travis McElroy? And you eat your keyboard?
1:09:58 Griffin McElroy? And you eat your keyboard, and they're like, "That's Jesse", they eat the data.
1:10:02 Travis McElroy? Yeah, maybe you could get into tagging, Jesse, so after you do the hack, you can tag your computer with spray paint, and just show them who's boss.
1:10:09 Travis McElroy? I think you're missing a step here, Jesse, where you need to come up with a cool hacker persona, then you have a catchphrase related to your cool hacker persona.
1:10:20 Griffin McElroy? Can I suggest "Jesse Rob", because it has a sort of futuristic aesthetic to it.
1:10:26 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:10:27 Griffin McElroy? It's two names.
1:10:28 Travis McElroy? But I mean, the robbing aspect of it might not... Okay, here you go. Jesse Rob, what you're gonna do is you're gonna start styling yourself like an old-timey cowboy bank robber, or you're robbing a train.
1:10:39 Griffin McElroy? That's cool.
1:10:40 Travis McElroy? And you're gonna have like bandana over your face, big hat and everything, and then as you get in, you say...
1:10:44 Travis McElroy? In your bedroom!
1:10:45 Travis McElroy? Yeah, in your bedroom. And as you get in, you're gonna say, "This is a stick-up."
1:10:49 Travis McElroy? Oh, this is a sticker, but it's ethical hacking, Travis.
1:10:51 Travis McElroy? Yeah.
1:10:52 Griffin McElroy? Yeah. And also, do you say that before you start hacking? Because you're writing a pretty big check at that point.
1:10:57 Travis McElroy? Yeah. This is a sticker. You've been stuck up.
1:11:00 Griffin McElroy? With my thing, you tuck the bib in and you put the silverware out. And then if you don't do the hack, you can discreetly pick up the silverware and untuck your bib and like not make a big deal out of it. Yours is writing an awfully big check. You don't have to say yummy if you don't get in.
1:11:15 Travis McElroy? Oh, no. If you don't get in, you go, ew, yucky.
1:11:18 Griffin McElroy? Do you do this around other people?
1:11:20 Travis McElroy? No.
1:11:20 Griffin McElroy? Then why the fuck do you need a catchphrase?
1:11:23 Travis McElroy? Sit down, Jesse.
1:11:24 Travis McElroy? Wait, yeah, Jesse.
1:11:25 Travis McElroy? Sit down, Jesse.
1:11:26 Travis McElroy? Do you finish hacking and then say, somebody help on a Discord call with me real quick?
1:11:30 Travis McElroy? I gotta buzz one out.
1:11:32 Griffin McElroy? Oh, shit, hold on, Jesse's calling. We're in the middle of a date. Is it important? I mean, no, but Jesse really... Hold on. Beep. Yummy. Good job, Jesse.
1:11:40 Griffin McElroy? Does that help, Jesse Rob?
1:11:42 Travis McElroy? That helps, yeah.
1:11:42 Griffin McElroy? Thank you so much.
1:11:43 Travis McElroy? Thank you. You can lower the lights if you don't want to.
1:11:46 Travis McElroy? Yeah, take the lights back down. Make them disappear.
1:11:48 Travis McElroy? Thank you so much for joining us for this evening, Sacramento. We hope you've enjoyed yourself very, very much and it was worth your time.
1:11:54 Griffin McElroy? We have had an amazing time. Thank you so much for, uh, for coming.
1:11:59 Travis McElroy? Uh, let's hear it for the, uh, the beautiful posters designed by Fede Arts. Look at those babies. They're beautiful.
1:12:06 Griffin McElroy? We signed a bunch of them. They may still be out there. Thank you to the Safe Credit Union Performing Arts Center.
1:12:12 Travis McElroy? Everybody's been so nice and it's a beautiful place.
1:12:14 Griffin McElroy? Everybody's been amazing. Uh, and thank you to Paul Sabour and of course, uh, God rest his soul. His Memorial Canned Food Drive Challenge Coin is still for sale out there. You can, uh, buy one and all the proceeds go to Sacramento Food Bank and Family Services. Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song, "My Life is Better With You."
1:12:31 Travis McElroy? Woo!
1:12:32 Griffin McElroy? A banger. Uh, check out, uh, uh, "It's Hard to Be a Fish," Montane's new album. It's fucking great. I can't stop listening to it.
1:12:38 Travis McElroy? And let's hear it for Amanda and Rachel. We couldn't do tours or shows without them. Thank you so much, Amanda and Rachel.
1:12:43 Griffin McElroy? Thank you so much, and Rachel.
1:12:45 Travis McElroy? Now, Travis, this is 20 Thunder Drive, so you, do you have a...
1:12:49 Travis McElroy? This year, I will be faster than my fear that a microscopic magic school bus could be inside my body at any given moment.
1:12:56 Travis McElroy? My name's Justin McElroy.
1:12:57 Travis McElroy? I'm Travis McElroy.
1:12:59 Travis McElroy? I'm Griffin McElroy. My brother, my brother, be Kiss Your Dad Square the Lips!
1:13:36 Speaker 10 Maximum Fun.
1:13:37 Speaker 05 A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.
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