Tim Allen | Club Random with Bill Maher

Actor/comedian and sitcom star Tim Allen drops by for a free-wheeling talk that veers from the unglamorous truths of RV life (yes, waste management) to UFOs, ancient pyramids, and everything we still can’t explain. Along the way, he and Bill swap comedy scars – bombing on The Tonight Show, the mystery of timing, and why some jokes are doomed – while touching on Tim’s run as TV’s ultimate put-upon everyman. Allen also gets personal about 30 years of sobriety, the odd romance between comics and cars, and why private planes are both essential and deeply absurd. Loose, funny, and unexpectedly thoughtful – two veterans dropping the act and just talking. Support our Advertisers: Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/random #rulapod #ad Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it. For advertising opportunities please email: [email protected] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:27Speaker 01

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• 0:56Speaker 02

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• 1:26Bill Maher?

  Hey folks, why are you remodeling your backyard to make it more, you know, zen-y? We were remodeling our merch store to make it more random. We slapped our new logo on t-shirts, tie-dyes, hoodies, and hats, and all with premium printed labels. Look, I wasn't kidding. We have it, because tags are like the junk mail of clothing. All merch is available exclusively at clubrandom.com. Once again, that's clubrandom.com.

• 1:58Speaker 04

  The business out here is not the business I signed up for a long time ago.

• 2:01Bill Maher?

  Yeah, but I bet the money is.

• 2:02Speaker 04

  It's not like it used to be.

• 2:04Bill Maher?

  Toy Story?

• 2:05Speaker 04

  Oh, that.

• 2:08Speaker 04

  I'm having a fun time going... I'm gonna say a lot of stuff tonight that might offend you. Get your phones out now, and let's go through this.

• 2:19Bill Maher?

  That is not keep Mr. Allen waiting.

• 2:21Speaker 04

  No.

• 2:21Bill Maher?

  I know he has.

• 2:22Speaker 04

  I'm already bored.

• 2:23Bill Maher?

  Franchise franchises to attend to.

• 2:26Speaker 04

  Hey, man, how are you? How are you, man?

• 2:28Bill Maher?

  You look surprisingly similar.

• 2:30Speaker 04

  I know.

• 2:30Bill Maher?

  To the last time I saw you, which was, I think, the early 50s. Or maybe it was our early 50s.

• 2:37Speaker 04

  No, oh, God, Doc, why you still, no. I was just thinking about that. It was at a Grammy thing, or it was one of awards, and you were hiding behind a plant somewhere. And I said, oh, he's kind of shy. Because I had done Politically Incorrect several times.

• 2:52Bill Maher?

  Oh, yes, I remember.

• 2:53Speaker 04

  Right.

• 2:54Bill Maher?

  We were very excited because you were like the biggest name. We got Seinfeld on the first show and Roseanne, but then, you know, we went to Washington. Was that where you were on? I don't know.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  No, I did.

• 3:07Bill Maher?

  The 23rd Street in New York. Yeah. No, no, it was a big thing for us. I always.

• 3:12Speaker 04

  But when your studio, your studio was here at one point, wasn't it?

• 3:15Bill Maher?

  Yeah, then we moved to, out here, we moved to ABC. And we've been at CBS, I've been in the same, I have the same, like, parking space, phone number since 1996.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:30Bill Maher?

  Through two different networks.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  We're old now.

• 3:32Bill Maher?

  We're.

• 3:33Speaker 04

  Why do you got to go there?

• 3:34Bill Maher?

  I know. But you still do the road. I see, I quit last year. I'd done it for 42 years, and I got off this year. This 25, I did not do any dates.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  Didn't we pass each other? It was, or I.

• 3:47Bill Maher?

  I took your plane a thousand times.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  Right, and then, but at one of those, I saw you in the casino, and you walked by, and I ignored me. So I said, maybe.

• 3:55Bill Maher?

  I didn't.

• 3:57Speaker 04

  You just walked by.

• 3:58Bill Maher?

  Well, I did, if I did.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  It wasn't where, you weren't doing the MGM, or what was I doing?

• 4:02Bill Maher?

  I was doing the Mirage for years.

• 4:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, the comedy, whatever they called that.

• 4:05Bill Maher?

  No, no, no, not the comedy, no, I played the, no, I wasn't doing like the comedy Cavalcade.

• 4:10Speaker 04

  No, no, the, what was it called? Those, the Legends.

• 4:12Bill Maher?

  Oh, I know.

• 4:13Speaker 04

  Legends of Comedy.

• 4:14Bill Maher?

  Yes, you're right.

• 4:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, we all did that for a lot, and that was a great room, and then it.

• 4:18Bill Maher?

  It was a great room.

• 4:19Speaker 04

  I liked that room.

• 4:20Bill Maher?

  Leno did it.

• 4:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:21Bill Maher?

  I mean, I mean, yeah, there was like, remember the car, they had us like on.

• 4:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see. Mine was like from the 30s. I look like a car salesman. It was my deal was it was I started at the.

• 4:34Bill Maher?

  Tim, you are a car salesman.

• 4:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, good night, everybody. The woman with the guy, the across the street with the canal, Venetian.

• 4:45Bill Maher?

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:46Speaker 04

  And next to the Venetian is the, I don't know, anyway, I played there for a while and then.

• 4:50Bill Maher?

  Owned by Sheldon Adels.

• 4:52Speaker 04

  Yes, yes, yeah. Still alive?

• 4:55Bill Maher?

  No.

• 4:56Speaker 04

  Or maybe resurrected. I mean, they've got some sort of a drug they do that. But that was a nice room.

• 5:02Bill Maher?

  If a man that wealthy dies, you know they don't have a cure for it. Okay?

• 5:07Speaker 04

  Or they killed him because his kids want the money. It could be that.

• 5:11Bill Maher?

  Well, or because they're just very big supporters of Israel.

• 5:15Speaker 04

  The Adelstons, yeah.

• 5:17Bill Maher?

  And that's a controversial thing. I don't think it should be, but they are. But we won't get into that.

• 5:22Speaker 04

  We could get into that because I took my, out of nowhere, my family, took my family on a, one of the trips I've taken, and I tell every, we do something really peculiar. RV trip, which I don't know, my wife was saying, she says, I really always wanted to take an RV. I says, yeah, I don't know about that. You know, we got halfway into it. I go, who dumps this thing? You know, when you all use the facilities.

• 5:44Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  That's when women act really dumb. They go, oh, you're so strong, you do it. No, honey, it's not the, Ted, sick no strength, it just empty the valve that all the poop comes out of.

• 5:53Bill Maher?

  You know, I've never thought about that. No, really. So like, I'd love to know, what do you have to do? Like, I know when you're on a boat, some, I remember being on a boat, somebody's boat at Cannes, and a truck does pull up. And, yeah.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  Early on, the boats dump the poop in the water. If they go out far enough, they can do it. They don't do that anymore. I don't, at least they say they do.

• 6:18Bill Maher?

  I hope so.

• 6:19Speaker 04

  But in an RV, there's a holding tank, and there's gray water, which is after washing dishes, and black water, they call it. And my wife and I said, it's just simple. It's a valve. You got to undo the valve, put it in a big hole in the ground and pump, open a valve.

• 6:31Bill Maher?

  Where is this hole in the ground?

• 6:33Speaker 04

  At the RV parks, they have a big hole in the ground.

• 6:35Bill Maher?

  Oh, they do? So you gotta, to get rid of the shit, you have to park at the park?

• 6:41Speaker 04

  Yes, and there's not, and my rich friends that wanna do it, they go, well, I'll just get somebody to do it. And I go, oddly enough, there is nobody at an RV park that will dump, dump your shit for you. They just, they just won't, it's just.

• 6:53Bill Maher?

  And you don't wanna, and you don't have to bring them on the trip with you, you don't wanna do that, right?

• 6:56Speaker 04

  Bring the guy out, or as I say, just don't take a shit. Tell my wife, just hold it, just, we'll hold it for two weeks.

• 7:03Bill Maher?

  But that's another thing, I've certainly talked to enough rock stars who talk about the tour bus.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 7:08Bill Maher?

  And the rules on the tour bus are all.

• 7:11Speaker 04

  Don't use it.

• 7:13Bill Maher?

  Which I find.

• 7:14Speaker 04

  The holding tank is this size.

• 7:15Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 7:16Speaker 04

  It's just, it's there for looks only, take a crap, it, it, it, there's rest stops.

• 7:22Bill Maher?

  I, I, I know that's what they say, and I'm sure they do, I find that highly impractical.

• 7:27Speaker 04

  It is impractical, they just don't think about it.

• 7:31Speaker 04

  They can only put so much in there, it's kind of, you know, once you're parked, then you can dump the stuff.

• 7:36Bill Maher?

  I mean, one reason I.

• 7:37Speaker 04

  Look what we're talking about.

• 7:39Bill Maher?

  One reason.

• 7:40Speaker 04

  What the fuck are we talking about?

• 7:41Bill Maher?

  And I'm not done talking about it here, one reason I quit.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  I just started.

• 7:45Bill Maher?

  I mean.

• 7:45Speaker 04

  Cause excrement is the end of everything.

• 7:47Bill Maher?

  I put, I put a good deal of excrement in your plane, because one, and one reason I really don't wanna go on the road anymore.

• 7:55Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 7:56Bill Maher?

  Is because like.

• 7:57Speaker 04

  That's what the problem was.

• 7:58Bill Maher?

  Well, I mean, look, you and I are spoiled, when we, for most of this century, at least, I, and I'm sure you, cause it's your plane. I couldn't have even gotten to these gigs.

• 8:10Speaker 04

  No.

• 8:10Bill Maher?

  If it wasn't a private plane, because I had to leave, I do the show, my show, Friday night, okay, I couldn't. I, I have to go to do a Saturday night show, Saturday, you can't get to Boise, which I know you're going to.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  Going to Boise.

• 8:23Bill Maher?

  Boise.

• 8:24Speaker 04

  Boise, yeah.

• 8:25Bill Maher?

  Not Boise.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  Don't say it like that.

• 8:26Bill Maher?

  Don't ever fucking say it like that.

• 8:28Speaker 04

  The other one's Waukegan, Illinois, I do, I do some, it's a best club, best date, great town, there's no place to get there, you have to fly a.

• 8:36Bill Maher?

  A course.

• 8:37Speaker 04

  To Chicago and then take it to.

• 8:38Bill Maher?

  And the airlines are completely unreliable, we'd miss half our gigs.

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, so.

• 8:42Bill Maher?

  All right, so that's our justification.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, I can't even get into it, cause for a long time, I thought it was. I don't even like to say it, because I was, one day, when I worked at Home Improvement, you could do, I could do pretty much anything, but didn't know it, because I, just as a comedian, that got a lucky break, got that show, really, to get on Carson. That's the only reason I wanted to do anything, was to get on Carson. I wanted to be a comic on Carson, which is a short, horribly non-funny joke. Incarcerated for many years, and when I was in there, I said, I wanted to get on The Tonight Show.

• 9:15Bill Maher?

  Not many years.

• 9:16Speaker 04

  Three.

• 9:18Bill Maher?

  It's not really many.

• 9:19Speaker 04

  Okay. It's a bus stop.

• 9:21Bill Maher?

  Okay. I'm not saying I could do it?

• 9:23Speaker 04

  No. I'm telling you, you couldn't.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  They, I wanted to get on The Tonight Show, so I did, I kept coming out here, but I'm a road comic, you know, that's what I did. I, you started making money, an old buddy of mine that I now know, Seeger, once told me, "Once you start putting butts in the seats, you own it."

• 9:40Bill Maher?

  Bob Seeger?

• 9:40Speaker 04

  Yeah. So he, a Detroit native, and he used to see me in Detroit.

• 9:44Bill Maher?

  Oh, right.

• 9:45Speaker 04

  And he said, "You start going back, do morning radio," and for, very tough on me, because I'm a late-night guy, and I said, "Once you start going back to the punchline, the whole series, the punchlines were in south, the south," I started filling it up.

• 9:59Bill Maher?

  Punchline Comedy Club, you're talking about.

• 10:01Speaker 04

  And I'd come out here, to see Jim McCauley, to audition for The Tonight Show, and I'm a guy that does an hour, and he goes, "I need to see five clean minutes."

• 10:10Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 10:11Speaker 04

  I said, "I got it." So I'd do at the Ice House, or improv, and he'd go do clean minutes, and then, I think he's there, and he's not, then I'd do my regular act, and I'd talk about my nuts, or whatever I'm talking about, and then he'd see me later, go, "You can't do, Johnny, you can't do scrotum jokes." I go, "The first five was for you." And it never worked. He finally just told me, "This isn't gonna work. Can't do it. I can't..." I said, "Jeez, McCauley, everybody knew I was hopping."

• 10:40Bill Maher?

  So, wait, you got... Home Improvement before you did the Tonight Show?

• 10:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:44Bill Maher?

  Because that is the opposite of what usually the template is, is they see you on the Tonight Show.

• 10:49Speaker 04

  Exactly. Then you get it.

• 10:50Bill Maher?

  Right, because they saw Roseanne and they said, "Oh, my God, her stand-up is a show." You know, they saw Robert.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  It was all frickin' backwards.

• 10:59Bill Maher?

  Oh, that's weird.

• 11:00Speaker 04

  I got the stupid, at the time, because I was, I used to focus, once I got incarcerated, I said, "I don't want to ever do this again. So I want to focus on what I want, not what I don't want." Aim for what you want and just avoid what you don't want. That's a racing trick.

• 11:13Bill Maher?

  What's worse, prison or a sitcom? No, I'm kidding.

• 11:18Speaker 04

  Prison or living in California under Gavin Newsom? I think prison, because at least you know what you get on Saturdays, you know, a pretty good meal. But anyway, the guy, so I do the, I did this whole thing and I did a Showtime special, Men or Pigs, and it got, that was when no time, it's like Netflix. It was huge for them. Came out here, I did the Five O'Clock Funnies. Remember that, the Gino Michelini?

• 11:42Bill Maher?

  Very much, I remember it.

• 11:43Speaker 04

  And I got, instead of 50 calls, I got like 8,000 calls. Who was that guy gruntin', talking about lawn mowers? Because it wasn't, it was really weird. So I started hooking up here, then Disney wanted to have me do Turn Hooch. I said, "Well, that's, they already do it. Hanks is doing that."

• 12:01Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 12:01Speaker 04

  Well, how about Dead Poet's Society? It's Robin Williams. They wanted me to do a sitcom based on that. So, greatest day in my life, I walked away from Jeffrey Katzenberg, who I adore, great guy. And I said, he walked out of the room, says, "Well, thanks." And he goes, the whole room was just stunned. "We're offering you a deal at Disney." I mean, a holding deal, or whatever that thing was. They had no idea what kind of money I was making on the road. So they were offering me like a week. You know, they didn't know that. So he calls me back in Detroit and he goes, "Did you just fly back there?" And I go, "Yeah, I've got to, I got to go through the South again." He goes, "Do you know we offered you?" And I go, "Yeah, I got it. It was really a good idea, but I don't." And I'm not into it. Says, "Nobody says no to me. I've never had anybody say no."

• 12:42Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 12:43Speaker 04

  He says, "What would you want to do?" I said, "Look, I like this old house. I think that's a funny show. If I could do a show where it's, instead of, I want to break things instead of fix things, blah, blah, blah." They do the show, get the thing, I'm a big star, Carson people call me, McCauley goes, "He'd like to have you on the show." I said, "Well, I want to do the damn show as a TV guy." He goes, "What do you mean? I want to do stand-up." So I'm standing there in the back and he goes, "Well, go out and do some stand-up." "Okay." "You know what to stand and everything?" I had no idea what to do, walked out, curtain hit me in the back of the head because I didn't walk far enough out to the star. And I bombed, I frickin' bombed.

• 13:20Bill Maher?

  But that's also backwards because most people, me, it was one of them, was doing stand-up and I couldn't wait for the day when they said, "You're big enough just to sit down."

• 13:31Speaker 04

  Right.

• 13:31Bill Maher?

  Which is what I used to do with Leno, but I was older and had my own show by then. But I would have died if they would said, "You don't have to do stand-up."

• 13:39Speaker 04

  You don't have to do stand-up.

• 13:39Bill Maher?

  Where you wanted to do stand-up.

• 13:40Speaker 04

  Because I saw all the guys.

• 13:42Bill Maher?

  That's so funny.

• 13:43Speaker 04

  All Buddy Hackett, all that era I loved, I loved. Johnny sits down after I bombed and he gets, he looks at me in between breaks. He goes, "I hope you're funnier than that."

• 13:52Bill Maher?

  Whoa.

• 13:52Speaker 04

  And I told him what the story.

• 13:53Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 13:54Speaker 04

  I told him the story and he goes, "You know what? Come back next week, do your stand-up fresh." I came back the week after that killed on, but I was, you know, already sitting down.

• 14:03Bill Maher?

  He was good to comics like that.

• 14:04Speaker 04

  He really was.

• 14:05Bill Maher?

  I'm not sure ex-wives would say.

• 14:07Speaker 04

  No.

• 14:08Bill Maher?

  Good, what's the word?

• 14:10Speaker 04

  Not real connective after the show.

• 14:13Bill Maher?

  No, no, I mean Johnny, as Ed said, Johnny packs a tight suitcase.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:19Bill Maher?

  And also for many years was a drinker. And a mean one.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  Well, who isn't?

• 14:25Bill Maher?

  Me.

• 14:26Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 14:27Bill Maher?

  I don't, do you get mean when you drink?

• 14:28Speaker 04

  I've been sober now 30 years and I know I ever wasn't a mean drinker. I was just a long-range drinker.

• 14:35Bill Maher?

  What does that mean?

• 14:36Speaker 04

  You don't ever lay it up, you know, three in the morning, everybody's going, "We should hit the sack of, you know, I think I got a couple more hours in."

• 14:43Bill Maher?

  Yeah, but that's when you're young, you can put your body.

• 14:46Speaker 04

  No, that was many, you know, well, 30 years ago.

• 14:48Bill Maher?

  Yeah, 30 years ago.

• 14:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:49Bill Maher?

  I mean, you were.

• 14:51Speaker 04

  It was tough for me to manage, I didn't, as I said, as most guys like me, if a little is good, a lot's gotta be better.

• 15:00Bill Maher?

  Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

• 15:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:03Bill Maher?

  It's the American motto.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  That's the motto, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:05Bill Maher?

  But, I mean, I think kids, if any kids are watching this and they're in their twenties, they have this idea that when you're in your forties, you're already over the hill. Because they see mom and dad and it's like, and no, if you wanna be a party animal in your forties, I promise you, it's, it's easy.

• 15:20Speaker 04

  It's easy.

• 15:21Bill Maher?

  In fact, it's fun, because you're a full grown ass man, or woman, I guess, could do it too, but, for me, and now you know what life is, you're an adult, you have some money, you know, you can be Frank Sinatra in 1960, it's awesome. But when you're, when you're doing it when you're 22 or 25, you don't have any game, you're dumb, you don't have any money, you know, you don't, you just don't know what you're doing, and you can't pull it off.

• 15:46Speaker 04

  It never, I, I drank when I was 11 years old, when I was a kid, I, I watched cowboy movies, I used to love where they, still don't understand that, the cowboys get on the horse, they, "Ha, ha!", and they're sweating, they go into the saloon, they pour that brown liquor and they, "Ah!", and they get back on the horse, and as a kid, I'm going, "That shit must be very refreshing."

• 16:07Speaker 04

  So I took a big jigger of, of Jim Beam, and it's like I drank gasoline, I was choking, I thought I was gonna die. Any normal people would've said, "I'm never gonna drink again, cuz that's horrible." I just said, "I can get used to it with a little sugar in it," you know, I kept getting, and then I would drink, and not, it never affected me. All my buddies were vomiting, or passing out, and getting in trouble with their parents, it never affected me, I, I would get used to it. It never was enough, never was not enough, it just didn't, I, I never said no to a drink, and I used to say, when, when I, and I, early on, when I did, wanted to say, "Do I have a problem with alcohol?", so I took a test, which was very funny, you take a test from John Hopkins, I think it was, to see if you were a problem drinker, and do

• 16:51Speaker 04

  you, do you ever lie about the number of drinks you had? Hmm, eh, it depends on what you say by lying, so you are lying. Have you ever not gone to a party because they didn't have any, and I went, I went, "Oh, yeah, there's been a lot of weddings I've gone to," and they said, "It's beer and wine." And I went, "I don't like either one, so I'm not going to the wedding."

• 17:10Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 17:11Speaker 04

  So I decided on that, and at the very end, you had these, you know, 50 questions to say, and, you know, and I, I kinda cheated on some, I gave them some, you know, I thought I, I- You know, ten out of fifty, I admitted. And the bottom says, if you're, if you're taking a test to wonder if you have a problem with drinking, you've already answered your question. And I went, fuck, fuck, I got tricked by that.

• 17:33Bill Maher?

  That's funny.

• 17:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:35Bill Maher?

  I remember fairly vividly the last time I overdrank, and I was in my fifties. So it wasn't like a long, long time ago. I mean, it wa- and that's, I was just too old. I was at a party, like, it was, I think it was summer, I think it was awards week when the, there's, you know, the, people think we're always partying out here, we're not. As my friend Jimmy says, every star I know is blown in bed by nine thirty.

• 18:02Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 18:04Bill Maher?

  But this, there's a couple of weeks around award shows when there were a good party.

• 18:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, you bet.

• 18:09Bill Maher?

  And I was there, and Jenny McBride, I love him, but his wife kept bringing over these shots, and, you know, you, the more you have, the more you forget how much you've had. And, I mean, I was not, I was probably fifty-five or something, and, I mean, I came home that night, my poor girlfriend at the time was supposed to meet me at the party. I seem to remember insulting the people she was with, just being drunk and thinking it was funny, and it wasn't, and got home, and they had to carry me from the driveway. I could, I was, I spilled out of the car, and she and my security brother in arms picked me up.

• 18:51Bill Maher?

  I mean, that's, that's way too late in life to do that, and it was the last time I ever did something like that. But it just, and kids, again, the message here, keep partying. Don't think you're done when you're thirty-five.

• 19:05Speaker 04

  Get an Uber.

• 19:06Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 19:07Speaker 04

  I said, that was.

• 19:08Bill Maher?

  Well, I wasn't driving for.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  All, all the. The attention I had when I was really struggling with is how do people manage it? Why are there people like me and then I have a? I've known a bunch of comedians and a bunch of friends that struggle with weight. You know, they don't, they do not know how to stop eating. I don't have that affliction.

• 19:28Bill Maher?

  I don't either.

• 19:29Speaker 04

  If I take a, like I have a buddy says, how do you eat ice cream like that sometimes? Cause I can, I, after I dinner, if no one's around, just I don't do this in front of people. I take a little thing of Haagen Dazs and I'll take a couple spoonfuls out of the, the thing. I don't, but in the bowl, I like.

• 19:44Bill Maher?

  You look like you're wearing the same clothes you did when you were on Politically Incorrect.

• 19:47Speaker 04

  Right. Well, as I said, that food isn't my thing.

• 19:50Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 19:50Speaker 04

  He said, if I started eating ice cream, I'd finish the tub and I go, hey, I don't, I take a couple taste buds. I'm fine with it, you know, and then I put it away. I never knew any, and it was never that way with drinking and drugs. It's not my, I never knew, there was never enough.

• 20:03Bill Maher?

  Me neither. But, um, see, I save my sugar for alcohol. And I don't even have more than a couple of drinks a week, like only when I'm here, really, do I have a couple.

• 20:13Speaker 04

  I wondered what that would be like. All my life I said, I, two directors I did movies with that we just, we did one in Venezuela and he'd go, oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy. And I go, that's the point.

• 20:26Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 20:27Speaker 04

  You know, he'd, he'd have a drink and a half and he'd leave it there and I go, what, I'm, we're just going, we're just starting. He goes, oh, no, I'm, I'm real dizzy. And I go, yeah.

• 20:36Bill Maher?

  Oh, I remember when I used to have a couple of shots before I left the house.

• 20:40Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 20:41Bill Maher?

  You know, just to warm up for when you got out and I remember an era where, and again, I wasn't that young. I wasn't in my 50s, but you would, first of all, you would know every night. Of course, I was never married, so they're different, you know. You'd know every night where the club was, cause it was different every night, you know? Tuesdays it was at Chitty's and Wednesdays it was Dingleberries and whatever the animal was, had a, had a great, you know, three floors going on Thursdays. So you would just go to these, you know, whatever the night was. And it was one of many stops and each stop, each bar you'd go to. Probably because you felt there wasn't, you know, enough hot girls in this place.

• 21:23Bill Maher?

  So you'd go to some other place, uh, and you'd have two drinks at each of them. So it wasn't hard to rack up eight, 10 drinks in a night. Um, and, you know, that is so unthinkable now.

• 21:38Speaker 04

  Alex, you made me laugh because I said there's, most people don't know that. There's no town I've ever lived in, I've lived here a long time, I've lived in New York and in Detroit. And on the road, that, this place is dead at 9:30.

• 21:50Bill Maher?

  Totally.

• 21:51Speaker 04

  I, no, well, it's the strangest place in California, everybody goes to sleep like at 9:30.

• 21:55Bill Maher?

  Because it's a working town and movies and TV shows start at 6 a.m.

• 22:00Speaker 04

  Right.

• 22:00Bill Maher?

  They've got to use the light if you're making a western or whatever the fuck. Movies, you know, anything that's shot on film, sitcoms are gentlemen's hours. I did those in the 80s. That's a pleasure.

• 22:12Speaker 04

  It is a pleasure.

• 22:13Bill Maher?

  Because, and you're one of the few people who's made it stick, boy.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  Well, as I said, my, one of my staff members, you're like in, my wife, she says, why do you keep saying that? And I said, somebody told me I was like the Tom Brady of sitcoms. When they asked me to do a third one, I said, I thought you, I thought they were kidding. I said, I, I don't, I don't know whether my generation, because all the people that I know that I would make it with are either dead or not the right gender. You know, they're all, you know, light-skinned European, older men, and that doesn't fit the DEI thing that everybody wanted. They wanted, you know, a potpourri of.

• 22:48Bill Maher?

  Well, you can have DEI in the cast.

• 22:51Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, but then they said, get into, I didn't want to get into that. I didn't want to patronize people. If you're gonna do a sitcom, it's just gotta be funny, gotta have some drama.

• 23:00Bill Maher?

  I couldn't agree more. Not everything, diversity is a great virtue. It's not the only virtue. And not everything in America has to look like Angelina Jolie's Christmas card, you know? Sometimes, and it's always okay in reverse, you know, it's like if there's something where it's just a, an all-black cast, and good, I'm all for it, I'm not complaining about it. I'm just saying, you know, CBS put in a, there's a law from the union, I guess it came down a few years ago, that like every writing staff had to be 50% people of color. And I thought, what if, what if this show they're writing is about a polka band in a ski town?

• 23:39Speaker 04

  No.

• 23:39Bill Maher?

  Still.

• 23:40Speaker 04

  No, no, there's probably an example where there are people of color.

• 23:44Bill Maher?

  No, no, it's just, and I love people of color and I'm so glad that things are better than they used to be for people of color. But, you know, it shouldn't.

• 23:55Bill Maher?

  Intrude on the creative process to the degree it has in this.

• 23:59Speaker 04

  No, I.

• 23:59Bill Maher?

  It has intruded on the creative process. And by the way, lots of people of color agree with that. Cause they're, they want the creative process to be pure too.

• 24:08Speaker 04

  I've getting into this, I've been doing this on my stand up for years. Cause I have a very mixed family between marriage, son in law, friends. I've been around people of color and in my family. So we have these family outings sometimes and then you get into a couple of cocktails and you have old light skinned grandma who doesn't, she calls darker skinned brother in law and family members, different names. And I said, and then one night we got into it, which I've never, it's always, Lenny Bruce started me on this whole thing. Back in that was it, the purple onion changed my life.

• 24:46Bill Maher?

  Explain to the kids, you don't mean personally he did.

• 24:48Speaker 04

  No, no, no, not that.

• 24:49Bill Maher?

  We're old, not that old.

• 24:51Speaker 04

  I knew him as a child. That he, he started this whole thing where words don't mean anything. It's really the content of a guy's heart. It's a Martin Luther King thing. And then I started going with my brother in law. He says, it's always you, you white motherfuckers do this. And I go, eventually I got sick, what do you mean white? What, what do you mean, define that for me? Cause I got in the middle of that, it's such a, I don't like the term you know. He goes, you know, and I go, no, I do not know. Are Japanese white people? You know, motherfucker, they're not. They're Japanese. I go, but that makes no sense. Where are the, the ruling class in Mexico City? If you've seen them, and I have, cause I know a lot of them. They look, if you put them in a white shirt and they didn't speak, they look just like

• 25:35Speaker 04

  people from France, Portugal. So I says, where, where is whiteville or white land? Where is, and where is that? Is our, and I said, are Russians white? No, motherfucker, they're Russians. I go, okay, where's the broad line?

• 25:48Bill Maher?

  They're as white as it gets.

• 25:50Speaker 04

  Well, I don't know what that means.

• 25:51Bill Maher?

  I do. The Russians are, it's like, the reason why Republicans these days, and for like the last 10 years have a thing for Russia, partly, partly.

• 26:01Speaker 04

  It's not the food.

• 26:03Bill Maher?

  It's not the food. It's, it's like the last country in the world that's like, we're white, we're not changing that, we kinda love it. I mean, Putin is like, you know.

• 26:12Speaker 04

  Kinda love it, but I don't think they view themselves as that. I said, I, I have a Polish, my wife's family are Polish and in a, in a room. I got into this, her father, great man, just recently passed, God bless him, and he goes, they were going, they're at this Polish club in Pennsylvania, we go for family vacations that way, and I said, he go, "Lusovia," and I go, "Ah, Russians," and then the whole place stopped, "We're not goddamn Russians."

• 26:41Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 26:41Speaker 04

  I go, "Well, you look like Russians, you sound like Russians."

• 26:44Bill Maher?

  Okay, but Russia invaded Poland.

• 26:46Speaker 04

  Right, and that whole border time, like-

• 26:48Bill Maher?

  Killed a lot of them.

• 26:49Speaker 04

  Killed a lot of them.

• 26:50Bill Maher?

  So I could see why they-

• 26:51Speaker 04

  They're like, "Don't like them."

• 26:52Bill Maher?

  Pissed off at you.

• 26:52Speaker 04

  But close to the border, like, and then I wondered, Finland is always curious to me, Finland doesn't like Russians at all.

• 27:00Bill Maher?

  No, Finland, the people of Finland also exist in a country called Estonia.

• 27:06Speaker 04

  Right.

• 27:06Bill Maher?

  Estonia was one of the republics of the USSR, the old USSR, the Baltics, Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia. Lithuania and Latvia are like Slavic, like the Russians, Estonia are like the Finns. So they were always treated worse.

• 27:23Speaker 04

  And the Finns beat them in a war way back when, the Finns and the Russians had some big war, I don't know the-

• 27:29Bill Maher?

  They're right across a bay from each other.

• 27:31Speaker 04

  Right, but they don't like each other, there's a part of that, and so, my point was, kind of circled around, because I did a, my dermatologist one day, he goes, he hurt, he couldn't believe this, I brought it up to him, he had a chart on the wall, it's called the Fitzpatrick scale, and dermatologists don't look at race, they look at the amount of, I think I got melatonin in the skin, it goes from one to seven, and I said, "That's it?"

• 27:56Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 27:57Speaker 04

  It's the melatonin, there's the one, which is Japanese, and then Nigerian or Pakistani, that, sometimes there's really dark Pakistani or Indian, northern part of India, it's, you know, very, very dark, he said, "That's it." And then he looks at me, he says, "I wish I'd never shown you this chart."

• 28:12Bill Maher?

  (laughing)

• 28:14Speaker 04

  Because now I've been doing it, I said, "You mean FP3 people?"

• 28:19Bill Maher?

  And it was all just to sell you some retinol.

• 28:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, well done for this.

• 28:24Speaker 00

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• 28:50Speaker 01

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• 29:19Speaker 04

  It was all about, but now I go, you mean an FPT3 person? And you know, now I gotta go through this whole explanation.

• 29:25Bill Maher?

  Looking at it from 30,000 feet, big picture. Isn't it amazing? That the amount of melatonin in whoever's skin has been such a giant factor in how humans have treated each other, that the wars.

• 29:41Speaker 04

  I don't, you don't even start it with me.

• 29:42Bill Maher?

  I mean, it's such a trivial thing for it to be such a major factor in human history, right?

• 29:49Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 29:49Bill Maher?

  When you look at it from 30,000.

• 29:50Speaker 04

  30,000 feet up.

• 29:51Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 29:52Speaker 04

  Now go 30,000 feet up a little west of that and look at a different way of looking at it. I look at it simply put, because I said,

• 30:01Speaker 04

  I am an empathetic person. I do it in comedy, I do it in my business. I've always been this way, I have a philosophy major. I look at people and I listen. I learn to listen to people. And you learn more by what people say and what the questions they ask than the actual answers.

• 30:16Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  What they question. It's like CIA did a big CIA benefit and that's what they, that's their whole deal. They don't act, they don't, they don't talk much.

• 30:23Bill Maher?

  CIA does benefit?

• 30:25Speaker 04

  We did a, they gave me an award, which I didn't know how to say no to it. I even asked my people, I said, can you say no to a CIA benefit? It was here at the Beverly, but they gave one to Ellison. He was there for the oracle. He was, I didn't know, he was in.

• 30:38Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 30:39Speaker 04

  Oracle is the, that's how the CIA started. And Larry Ellison.

• 30:43Bill Maher?

  Is that right?

• 30:44Speaker 04

  He had a lot to do with the original computer system for that.

• 30:48Bill Maher?

  Computer system.

• 30:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:49Bill Maher?

  He didn't start the CIA.

• 30:51Speaker 04

  No, no, no. He had a lot to do with that. But again, you look at him, I don't know what to say, but this, I was there because I've done a lot for the veterans. And this was about the, the people that have died in the CIA.

• 31:01Bill Maher?

  I've always been supportive of the spy agencies. It's not like something that the woke appreciate. It's cooler to like say, oh, you know, you do your spying and this and that. And yes, have they made mistakes? Yes.

• 31:13Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:14Bill Maher?

  You know, as George Orwell said famously once. Most people sleep comfortably in their bed at night, knowing that rough men are willing to do violence. The world is full of bad people, really bad people. I don't mean just like, you know, woke bad here, just like, and we do need people like in the CIA. And they are dedicated people who do it without any, you don't get a plaque, you get the fucking star on the wall without your name.

• 31:41Speaker 04

  And this was a sad night. I was there because of the, what I've done for the military and I, I just, it was a humble to be asked. And I got to ask CIA top brass, they go, what is it you want? Cause I, and I said, give me, can I, can I, can I ask you some weird stuff? He goes, what is it, Mr. Allen? What would you like to know? Like they go from being, we love home improvement or buzz light or whatever you're doing. And I said, can I ask you a question? They go, what do you want? And they get real serious, the most, the leader of it.

• 32:13Bill Maher?

  Well, they can't tell you much, or they shouldn't.

• 32:16Speaker 04

  He said, what do you want to know? I said, well, off the coast of California, two F Hornets saw some bulbs that went left, right, up, down. He goes.

• 32:26Bill Maher?

  They're aliens.

• 32:27Speaker 04

  And what do you want to know?

• 32:28Bill Maher?

  Totally.

• 32:29Speaker 04

  Well, you, if, if they were going left, right at a certain speed and then stopped and went the other direction, it can't be an aircraft. He goes, and your question? Well, if it's not an aircraft, it would be a drone of some sort or a helicopter. And he said, and the question is, did the Hornet pilots know what they were? He goes, what did they say? He goes, well, they said they did. This went on and on for 20 minutes and I realized at the end of it, they go, so what do you think? I said, I think they possibly were something that we didn't know or that they're covering. But why would they show a picture of it if they're covering? He goes, it's a good question. And I go, what are you saying? He goes, you've learned more by your questions than any answer I have. And I went, you sons of bitches. So you don't, and that night got very tragically sad because we were celebrating at one point,

• 33:12Speaker 04

  five children that had lost their parents. And you met these kids and it was about to, money that CIA will take care of them. And these people, those kids are, it got, it was, it was so emotional for my family that these kids will never know what happened to their parents, never know, they won't, all they're told is they will never come home, that you don't know where they were, and that's all you're gonna hear.

• 33:35Bill Maher?

  I mean, it makes me think of that.

• 33:38Bill Maher?

  Bad day in coast Afghanistan.

• 33:40Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 33:41Bill Maher?

  When they were after Bin Laden.

• 33:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:42Bill Maher?

  It's in the great movie they made about getting Bin Laden. And they thought they had a lead to him, which was his doctor. And so they brought him on to the base. And this is the CIA running this operation. And of course, the guy gets out of the car. He's got a wooden leg. And what's in the wooden leg is a bomb.

• 33:59Speaker 04

  Bomb, right.

• 33:59Bill Maher?

  And he blew up like six people.

• 34:01Speaker 04

  Right.

• 34:01Bill Maher?

  Like all CIA people.

• 34:03Speaker 04

  Right.

• 34:03Bill Maher?

  And, you know, they don't get the name. They get the star.

• 34:07Speaker 04

  As far as I got it, you'd look at all these people. None of these people are armed. They go into areas that are dangerous prior to soldiers.

• 34:17Bill Maher?

  Oh, yes.

• 34:17Speaker 04

  And act like insurance agents or a medical. They come up.

• 34:22Bill Maher?

  And they save a lot of lives ultimately because they handle something. Now, look, have they made mistakes?

• 34:27Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 34:28Bill Maher?

  Yes. But they handle things in a clandestine way that is way better than a hot war.

• 34:34Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 34:34Bill Maher?

  You know?

• 34:35Speaker 04

  They also do stuff that you don't want to know about.

• 34:38Bill Maher?

  You do not want to know about. You don't.

• 34:41Speaker 04

  We're.

• 34:41Bill Maher?

  And those are aliens, Tim. No, no, no, I'm not.

• 34:44Speaker 04

  I, listen.

• 34:45Bill Maher?

  I had the guy on the show recently. There's a movie out now. I wish I could remember his name.

• 34:51Speaker 04

  Oh, wait a minute, no, it's a.

• 34:53Bill Maher?

  It's a movie.

• 34:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:54Bill Maher?

  It has dozens and dozens of credible people from the highest levels of our security apparatus in the military.

• 35:01Speaker 04

  And they even have the, what's his name from Trump's administration?

• 35:06Bill Maher?

  Marco Rubio. Isn't it a lot? I mean, very credible people. And they're basically telling us, look, they don't want to. They're in a precarious position. They don't want to scare people. On the other hand, things have changed so much. And my reading of this is, yeah, like 40, 50 years ago, we used to hear about the aliens. They landed in the middle of nowhere. They stuck something up your ass. It was always up your ass, but.

• 35:33Speaker 04

  Several times.

• 35:34Bill Maher?

  But, but that is.

• 35:36Speaker 04

  And they found nothing. They went up my ass. They found absolutely nothing but two polyps.

• 35:40Bill Maher?

  Well, they should come with you on their RV trip.

• 35:43Speaker 04

  And just see it. Don't have to go up there. It's in a, it's in this little tank.

• 35:47Bill Maher?

  Bring them in the army, they'll do it for you. They work cheap, aliens. But like, I feel like that was really happening. They were really finding out about humans. It seems to have started right after we exploded nuclear weapons in 1945, which could have alarmed them. I don't know how much they were monitoring us before. It seems like now, they kinda want to let us know, we're here. As I said to this guy when he was on Real Time about this, I said, "It reminds me of the movie where the detective or whoever, the bad guy says, "If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead already."

• 36:23Speaker 04

  Right.

• 36:23Bill Maher?

  If they wanted us dead.

• 36:25Speaker 04

  We'd be dead.

• 36:26Bill Maher?

  So they're, they're, they're watching. That's what I feel is the most logical. This is not crazy stuff. This is not Jewish space lasers. This is, this is, why wouldn't it be? There's nothing unscientific about it.

• 36:41Speaker 04

  Here I am, CIA. So, we're basically primitive compared to these people that can do this, monitor us without seeing.

• 36:49Bill Maher?

  Plainly.

• 36:50Speaker 04

  We already have sent.

• 36:51Bill Maher?

  You especially.

• 36:52Speaker 04

  Of course. We've already sent a probe to Mars, we've had probes here, we got a probe that we sent to an asteroid, so.

• 37:02Bill Maher?

  I had one up my ass.

• 37:03Speaker 04

  And a justification for me is that if there were them, anything that we're seeing is a probe. It's a just a, it's a robot. It's not aliens. They've sent out, if there is something, there's no reason to come here when we can send a drone.

• 37:15Bill Maher?

  They say they have corpses.

• 37:16Speaker 04

  Well, send a drone.

• 37:17Bill Maher?

  They say they have corpses.

• 37:18Speaker 04

  The corpse could be a drone. It's just their version of a drone. It's not, they're not anything like this.

• 37:24Bill Maher?

  No, this is from like the late 40s and 50s.

• 37:26Speaker 04

  What if that's their version of a drone? They manufactured a drone. There's a great movie called The Day the Earth Sits Still.

• 37:32Bill Maher?

  Oh, I've seen it.

• 37:33Speaker 04

  Right. I have the robot in my office. I got Gort.

• 37:38Speaker 04

  And in the original story, it was very twisty. It didn't come up in the movies that Michael Rennie, who played the. He came out and said, talk to us. In the original story, it turned out that Michael Rennie was the drone. The whole civilization was the Gort. And they had to make a human to talk to us. So they manufactured a human to speak to us because the Gort had nothing to say.

• 38:00Bill Maher?

  I don't think they're, they're, these are drones. I think these are little green men. They're, they're, they, they are. They're, they're different from us, but not completely different. Everybody in that book Communion. All these people have the same experience and, and kind of gave the same testimony without knowing what the others were saying. They all talked about somebody who was like.

• 38:21Speaker 04

  What's the name of the book?

• 38:22Bill Maher?

  Communion, Whitley Strieber, he wrote this.

• 38:24Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:25Bill Maher?

  It was like a long time, like thirty years ago.

• 38:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, but there's another, there's a French guy that wrote a book about.

• 38:32Bill Maher?

  Oh, you're not talking about the Raylions?

• 38:34Speaker 04

  No, no, no, this is a guy who called, it was, he called them occurrences. Jacque Pauli, that's his name. And I can't remember the name of the book, but there's a little picture on the front of a kid walking into a light. And I'm on a train in Vancouver doing a gig. Took my family with me, took, went from Vancouver all the way across Canada, which is just a gorgeous plane trip until you get to Calgary. And then it's like you're in the middle of Nebraska. It's just nothing wrong with Nebraska, but it's just nothing, there's no mountains. And this, the porter came by, saw that book, I was reading it. And it's all about a scientist that looked, instead of looking at all these crazy people, these farmers that got taken by aliens. He just invest, he just took, asked questions, he didn't judge. And he found so many similarities with, no matter who had that, there were certain similarities. So it, uh.

• 39:21Speaker 04

  The porter, the book was gone and I, I asked him, there was a book sitting on this desk here. And he says, I don't, I don't know. He comes back, two hours later, he goes, I'm sorry, I took the book. And I go, well, can I have it back? He goes, what, what is this book about? And I said, it's about the, I told him it's about occurrences, they called them. And he goes, why is that picture on the cover? And I go, what is the, the question about? And he goes. When I was a boy, there was a crackling noise outside, which is always smell of ozone, crackling noise, and things in threes. That's the things that always happened in the book. I went out, my little brother walked into a path of light, came out buck naked, standing

• 40:06Speaker 04

  there smoldering. I tried to help him on the ground, and then we made some noise. My dad opened up the window, sees my brother out there nude, me, you know, wrestling with him to get him out, told us, he thought we were screwing, not, you know, sexually, but he thought we were, don't you ever do this, and don't you ever tell anybody what just happened. And my brother, never been the same, this exact thing happened.

• 40:30Bill Maher?

  This is not the first story from a person who I trust, who is not a crazy person, or a drunk, or a weirdo, who has said something similar.

• 40:40Speaker 04

  Something weird happened.

• 40:41Bill Maher?

  It's, I just think it's more unlikely that all these things are just a coincidence or a hallucination. And again, there's nothing unscientific about the idea that we are not alone in the universe.

• 40:54Speaker 04

  It, there is a physics problem with it. The, the thing that I, I've always wondered about is that, I, in my head, I've, I've been a million alien movies in my head that I like, that, the one that I wrote to myself, is that the alien, when he finally talked to me, said, "I didn't come from anywhere. I came from here." There's, he said, "Everything vibrates at a different frequency. I traveled through a vibration, and I showed up here. What saves your civilization is Jupiter and Saturn. They send off a rude signal. So where I come from, we don't think there's any life here, so we didn't hear. If my people knew that I was here, looking at you, you would never, you would never live through the day, because you're, you're a virus. This is, this doesn't work." And this is in my story

• 41:39Speaker 04

  in my head, is that this alien shows up, and it was a screw up in his ship, and he crashes, and he keeps changing his shape, in a weird way, he says, Does this work for you people? All these different, back to this, all these different races? Do you all get along? I don't think you do. Cause in my planet, fifty-five thousand years ago, we killed every other race. There's only one race on my planet. I don't say it's the right thing to do, but.

• 42:04Bill Maher?

  And I remember their motto, from the river to the sea.

• 42:06Speaker 04

  Oh, boy.

• 42:07Bill Maher?

  I have to tell you, David Mamet has been here twice. He lists like four, his four greatest, do you know this about him?

• 42:14Speaker 04

  Uh-uh, but I, I did a movie with him, he's one of the most fun guys I've ever been.

• 42:18Bill Maher?

  I love him.

• 42:18Speaker 04

  Oh, geez.

• 42:19Bill Maher?

  I mean, we don't agree on everything.

• 42:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, who, who cares?

• 42:22Bill Maher?

  Who cares? Exactly, that's always my theme. But, um, he lists, like, in one of his books, he lists like the four greatest movies. And I can't remember what the other three are, but they're like ones you, you know, Citizen Kane. And, you know, Lawrence of Arabia, you know what the fourth one is?

• 42:38Speaker 04

  Two Thousand One.

• 42:39Bill Maher?

  Galaxy Quest.

• 42:40Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, cool.

• 42:41Bill Maher?

  Isn't, and it is a great movie.

• 42:43Speaker 04

  It is.

• 42:44Bill Maher?

  I mean, it is a really fantastic structure, the script, the acting.

• 42:48Speaker 04

  How weird that you bring it up today, I just posted it in my office, I have a picture of me fighting Sarus, which is the, the creature in that thing. And I remember in the movie, the guy, the guy, he, he's passed away, the guy that, inside the suit. It was so clever on so many different levels because so many different mistakes were made to get it where it was.

• 43:08Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 43:08Speaker 04

  Oh, it was a, originally Spaceballs, a Mel Brooks movie. It was just really stupid.

• 43:15Bill Maher?

  I love Mel Brooks, but it's better than Spaceballs.

• 43:17Speaker 04

  Well, it was really, a simple comedy. It turned into this movie, cause Dean Parisaw is a, a documentary director, he took over the movie after a long, they didn't want it, this Spaceballs thing, and then, he didn't want a comic in it. He wanted an action hero that could be funny, not a funny guy that could maybe do action. So, they parted ways, we got into that.

• 43:40Bill Maher?

  Stupid.

• 43:40Speaker 04

  Oh, god.

• 43:41Bill Maher?

  The, the, the way they did it is the right way.

• 43:43Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 43:43Bill Maher?

  It's a lot easier to do it the way they did it with you than the other way around.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  The other way around, believe me, I.

• 43:49Bill Maher?

  Comedy's hard, death is, well, death is easy, comedy's hard.

• 43:53Speaker 04

  I'm so thankful to be part of that movie, but I, I did this one scene with this guy, Sarus, was the big reptilian thing with this head, beautiful. And he's yelling at me, and I'm supposed to, one scene, I'm supposed to fight him. And I'm, you know, I'm a comic, and I go, so what exactly would I do with a seven-foot reptile? What, and I'm a, I'm a loser from Earth. And so I, me and the actor, I said, where are his balls? Could I kick him in the nuts? I mean, would that be funny? And he goes, you think you're... And so our joke was, you're looking for these, like they're under his shoulder. It was a...

• 44:28Bill Maher?

  Well, what would Bob Hope do?

• 44:31Speaker 04

  Isn't that wild?

• 44:33Bill Maher?

  No, but you know, Bob Hope was one of the great comics, you know, stand-up, Lordville. He, they put him in movies. Because like, you know, he did became a parody of himself. But well, like those movies with Bing Crosby are funny.

• 44:47Speaker 04

  They're funny.

• 44:48Bill Maher?

  And, and you know, when he was still that, that wisecracking, playing the coward.

• 44:52Speaker 04

  Right.

• 44:53Bill Maher?

  You know, this is reminds me of what you're talking about. Like, a comic knows how to play that, the coward, and make it funny. And an actor is, I mean, actors, I love them, but they're, but thinking ain't their big thing.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  I did, I have, uh, did, uh, Shaggy Dog, for whatever reason. I, I missed, it missed the mark to me. But Robert Downey Jr. had just, uh, gotten clean and was in it. And that guy is so frickin' brilliant. He looked at comedy as just another form of drama, which it is. So he would do the comedy parts as though he's doing a dramatic piece. He'd get into it and he'd get into the dramatic piece. Then he goes, and they're funny, and they gotta be funny, as though it's that simple.

• 45:35Bill Maher?

  He is great.

• 45:35Speaker 04

  He is so frickin' great.

• 45:37Bill Maher?

  I mean, the Sherlock Holmes movies are great.

• 45:39Speaker 04

  He is great. He, he, he...

• 45:41Bill Maher?

  Do you remember, um, the one he did with Ben Stiller? Tropic Thunder?

• 45:45Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:46Bill Maher?

  Which is just, you probably couldn't get it greenlit today, cause it's so politically incorrect. You know, he plays, he does it in blackface.

• 45:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know. I believe me.

• 45:53Bill Maher?

  And they showed, they did a documentary on it. And they showed outtakes. And they showed like him and Ben Stiller. Ben's just doing the directing and it's a close-up on him. And he's just doing take after take of variations of this speech he's doing. And Ben's like, oh, that was so great. Let's do another.

• 46:11Speaker 04

  Do another one.

• 46:12Bill Maher?

  You know, that is what, that's a director's dream.

• 46:14Speaker 04

  Right.

• 46:14Bill Maher?

  To get an actor like that.

• 46:16Speaker 04

  Well, that, in his case, I've never seen anybody where like, he was so good. I told the director, I was kidding, I says, I want all this cut. I don't want any of this in the movie. This, he's making me feel like I'm so insignificant, cause I can't do anything that... I can do the funny stuff like this, but he could switch to drama and you're buying it. You know, Iron Man, with the first Iron Man, where I consider one of the best. Superhero movies ever made. He was able to be very serious.

• 46:44Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 46:44Speaker 04

  And then he's in what kind of metal suit? He's in trashcans in that one of the scenes. You bought every single piece of business that he did in that thing. So he can do that funny. He did a movie with Mammoth though and Red Belt. And it.

• 46:59Bill Maher?

  Oh, yeah, I saw it. I've seen all those movies.

• 47:01Speaker 04

  I was never, there's no funny parts in it. And it reminds me of when comics are in movies. I've done some with Marty Short. And Marty, if he's not being funny in the movie.

• 47:10Bill Maher?

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:10Speaker 04

  He feels like, well, he did another one, Richard Pora, wasn't it? Jungle Jungle. And he'd do stuff and you go, Marty, you're just answering the phone. Oh, and he always has to do something with his legs. It's, it's, oh. I go, no, Marty, you're just sitting down. Okay, but I'm gonna get up and, oh.

• 47:31Bill Maher?

  No, he can't walk out.

• 47:33Speaker 04

  He can't.

• 47:33Bill Maher?

  Without getting a bit, I mean, whenever he was on Real Time, he'd walk out. And he does whatever.

• 47:39Speaker 04

  Whatever he does.

• 47:39Bill Maher?

  He is just a laugh machine, like there's.

• 47:41Speaker 04

  It makes me sick to my.

• 47:42Bill Maher?

  The only other one like that is Dana Carvey.

• 47:44Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 47:45Bill Maher?

  The two of them, like they just can't stop. And they, and they, and their batting average is like nine eighty. You know, they, everything they go for actually is funny.

• 47:54Speaker 04

  I literally have to leave him at a Christmas party. I had to leave, I was getting sick. Cause I can't, I'm funny with him for a while. Like if you're around Robin Williams, the late Robin Williams, it was.

• 48:04Bill Maher?

  Similar, yeah.

• 48:05Speaker 04

  It's very similar. He won't, he won't shut up.

• 48:08Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 48:09Speaker 04

  He just keeps going. And my wife and I, he came out of a gym someday and we started talking about what was going on. And we knew something. And he's just doing bits and my wife goes, what just happened there? What, he, he just stopped talking, they go, and I, I had to translate. Oh, he's, he's, he's working on his relationship right now. He's got a movie coming out and he didn't really like this. He didn't say any of that shit. I go, well, he's doing a bit about this. He's doing a bit about this.

• 48:34Bill Maher?

  But I gotta say, both Robin Williams and Martin Short are really smart guys because they both did the panel of Real Time, which is a hard thing to do. It's mostly for the pundits. It's not for show people.

• 48:46Speaker 04

  I agree with that.

• 48:47Bill Maher?

  That was the old show, where we mixed the show people in. This is almost never that. And they found a way to still be Robin Williams and Martin Short without like taking over the show and making it into a, you know, a carnival or and also being, having serious moments and being thoughtful and to pull those both off. You could do it and you should do it, but you never respond when we try to get you to do it.

• 49:14Speaker 04

  Well, my email is packed. I have a lot of issues.

• 49:18Bill Maher?

  You're cleaning out your shitter in the RV. So wait, you go on RV trips? You go on train trips? Is that what you said?

• 49:25Speaker 04

  Train trips and then this.

• 49:26Bill Maher?

  But now, why does a man of your vast wealth, who has a private plane, what is it about like an RV or a train that you find, is it relaxing?

• 49:36Speaker 04

  Well, I did it for my wife. She always wanted to do an RV trip, so we did all these. My youngest daughter went, she always wanted to do it, so we did it. And the train trip we did was in order to get to the Orient Express. I wanted to be on that train. I love trains. So I did that train from Paris to, not Paris, Rome or someplace in Italy. And you're on a frickin' train that's like, it's like an opera house. Everything's $2 million. Everything you touch, but you're on a frickin' train, so all night long.

• 50:08Bill Maher?

  What do you mean, you're saying it's ornate?

• 50:10Speaker 04

  Every, you can't get more gold and wood and everybody's gonna.

• 50:14Bill Maher?

  Oh, ask Trump.

• 50:15Speaker 04

  No, this is even past that, because everybody, you gotta wear a tuxedo into dinner. You gotta wear a necktie. There's a piano player and it's, it's, it's an amazing experience.

• 50:25Bill Maher?

  Look, I don't wanna get into politics, but you know, this is, and I don't, the gold, I don't, I don't care.

• 50:32Speaker 04

  I don't, I did.

• 50:33Bill Maher?

  But it does look like Saddam's palace.

• 50:35Speaker 04

  It's, it's.

• 50:36Bill Maher?

  And I don't care. That's his taste.

• 50:39Speaker 04

  That's his taste.

• 50:39Bill Maher?

  But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

• 50:42Speaker 04

  I met the dude at a dinner with his wife, who was genuinely a wonderful person, and he was more, this is, I think the second to last year, the last year of The Apprentice. And he was thinking of moving to Los Angeles and being a movie producer. And he was talking about movies.

• 50:57Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 50:58Speaker 04

  He said, I really like the film business. More than that, the guy's addicted to comedy. He was so, I was, you know, killing at the table, you know, and he's going, he just, what a gift. What a gift to do that he's laughing about this and that. And he was a genuine one of the guys who, I don't know if he was like, he sits and talks like that. When he listens, he, he.

• 51:17Bill Maher?

  He's a good listener.

• 51:18Speaker 04

  He's a good listener.

• 51:18Bill Maher?

  I go, this is what the left hated me, that I went to the White House and talked to him. And then did not lie and say, he was a monster in the White, I just said, it's the truth.

• 51:27Speaker 04

  He's a, he's not a.

• 51:28Bill Maher?

  You gotta meet him per, you gotta deal with him on a personal level.

• 51:32Speaker 04

  And then you go, who is it? It reminds me, and I don't, and I love Howard Stern. It's like Howard in person is a genuinely kind, wonderful guy, but he gets on the air and I don't know what happens. I always said, if I was the adult in the room, I would take Donald's phone away from him. And get him involved in infrastructure. Here, here, he would, I don't even know when people hear this. He was talking about how to do the roads. I'm a road freak about potholes around my neighborhood in LA. We don't take care of our roads. It's just one of these things. And he was, you know, how to fix the roads in DC. You gotta get the underlayment first, get the sidewalks done and that. He went off and he was one of those news things where he's, he's talking about how quickly he could get the, the road done quickly in Washington DC.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  We don't need the underlayment, but then asphalt on top of this, I'm going, that's brilliant. It, it's not 800 million. I could do this stuff for $6 million tomorrow and we will get it done.

• 52:23Bill Maher?

  There's almost nothing he surveys that he doesn't want to fix. Whether it's the Kennedy Center and look, believe me, I am not on the page with a lot of his fixes.

• 52:33Speaker 04

  I get it.

• 52:33Bill Maher?

  But like, he looks at Venezuela, we gotta fix that.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  Fix it.

• 52:37Bill Maher?

  No ballroom, we gotta fix that. Asphalt, we gotta, like, he, there's just nothing that he doesn't want to personally. He has, he does have enormous energy. You gotta give him that.

• 52:46Speaker 04

  And I said, if like, just keep him directed on our infrastructure. Keep him directed on the power system, the power grid. But I said, the one of the times there's, um, I, I wanna out. A couple of comics, we were sitting there watching one of his speeches and there was a couple of them, vintage comics and two young guys and they said.

• 53:05Bill Maher?

  Vintage.

• 53:05Speaker 04

  Well, I was saying that did, you know, Dreesen, I love Tom Dreesen.

• 53:08Bill Maher?

  I just love the term.

• 53:10Speaker 04

  Well, he's vintage, you know, Dreesen, you know, was opening act for Sinatra.

• 53:14Bill Maher?

  Trust me, I'm getting ready for the day they call me a vintage comic, so.

• 53:17Speaker 04

  Come on, we're, we're like a couple hours away from that. This is, Jesus, do you even know the young comedians that like people call me all the time?

• 53:26Bill Maher?

  No, but I love to go to the Comedy Store every once in a while and just sit in the back. First of all, it brings me back to those days. It makes me like very happy about my life, which is so much cushier now than it was when I had to endure that. Cause not every night is a singing, smiling success, as we know.

• 53:44Speaker 04

  Right.

• 53:45Bill Maher?

  From those days. And it's just fucking entertaining. If they're bad, it's like watching the Indy 500 when there's a car wreck. It's not boring. If they're good, it's awesome, cause you're laughing.

• 53:56Speaker 04

  Laughing.

• 53:57Bill Maher?

  And, and it's just, it's just, I just love doing it.

• 54:00Speaker 04

  I'm, everything I hated now. I used to hate it when I did have to, you get there eight minutes at the improv. Or whatever that, you get that short time and then all of a sudden.

• 54:08Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 54:09Speaker 04

  Shanley would show up and everybody has to back off and he does for forty fucking minutes and you go, eh, bitch, you're big shot, like he needs it. And now when I, before I go on the road, I go to Laugh Factory and I'll do an hour. And so with this, all these guys lined up and I.

• 54:24Bill Maher?

  Just so you can elbow your way past them.

• 54:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I just, I come in, the whole room changes and I do it.

• 54:29Bill Maher?

  Good for you.

• 54:29Speaker 04

  But now we do it, so, yeah, I've worked it out, so the, the guys get.

• 54:32Bill Maher?

  It's good to be the guy who needs no introduction. Let's just say it that way. It just is.

• 54:38Speaker 04

  I just love what I do. I love being able to do stand up still. I'm not, you know, I still have the guy.

• 54:43Bill Maher?

  My hat's off to you. I got off, I, I, I knew there was a, the moment came and it was like, boy, this hurts. This is like cutting off my leg. Stand up? Are you kidding? I did thirteen HBO specials. You know, I mean, I have been there and always kept it up, you know, like never phoned it in. I kept that act up, cause you know, it takes, people said to me, well, just do a, just do a few dates here and there. You can't.

• 55:09Speaker 04

  Can't.

• 55:10Bill Maher?

  You have to be in shape.

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• 56:38Bill Maher?

  You know, I was on your plane a lot. Don't get me started on this.

• 56:41Speaker 04

  No, I was. Well, I know that. I've been doing this show and a movie, so this next tour, I haven't been on the... I haven't been out for almost nine months. And my people are going, "Well, that'll be... Just get back into it." It ain't quite that simple.

• 56:55Bill Maher?

  Not that simple.

• 56:56Speaker 04

  It's not that simple. When I was off for...

• 56:59Bill Maher?

  No, no, no.

• 57:01Speaker 04

  The last five... The first two years of Last Man Standing, there was too much going on. So I was off for two years. And I just... It was really difficult to get back. And then I realized, I feel like I'm Rod Stewart all of a sudden. I do Maggie May. I'm doing my... I'm doing... I'm an egg, a comedy egg. I'm really about timing and... Pace. And so I do some old material, I just reshuffle it. And then I'll do the opening is like twenty minutes of what's going on now. But generally, I don't, I don't do current events. I just, I've never, I stay away from current events.

• 57:38Bill Maher?

  Why should you?

• 57:39Speaker 04

  Well, I said, it's just, because these days.

• 57:41Bill Maher?

  Where it fits, it fits.

• 57:43Speaker 04

  It fits.

• 57:43Bill Maher?

  Sometimes it fits.

• 57:44Speaker 04

  I have a good fun, I'm having a fun time going, there's, I'm gonna say a lot of stuff tonight that might offend you. Get your phones out now, and let's go through this. When I say these words, this is what I mean.

• 57:55Bill Maher?

  You know what? You're iconic. It doesn't matter. You can offend them, and the people who are offended are the type who will get offended at everything, and are just looking for something, and it will not affect your life or your career.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  I get it.

• 58:08Bill Maher?

  Which has been.

• 58:09Speaker 04

  What I'm having, I'm having fun with the words. I said, this word, this is what the word means to me, and I just.

• 58:14Bill Maher?

  Who did you say you were like Tom Brady of sitcoms? That's not really a good analogy. It's more like, there are a few people, when I was a kid, Michael Landon.

• 58:24Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 58:24Bill Maher?

  Ted Danson.

• 58:26Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 58:27Bill Maher?

  There are a few, William Shatner. There's a few people who the audience continually wants to see in a show. And so they keep doing show after show, and they're always hits.

• 58:37Speaker 04

  Right.

• 58:37Bill Maher?

  And you're in that very small pantheon of people like that. You keep doing these shows.

• 58:44Speaker 04

  Don't know why.

• 58:44Bill Maher?

  What?

• 58:45Speaker 04

  Wait, I said, I keep looking at them when they, the, the, uh, girls at Fox, the, the bosses at Fox that got me doing it, and then ABC bought Fox, so now it's back on ABC. And I said, you guys are kidding, right? You think I should do another sitcom? And they're, yeah, we, we, we think, even in today's climate, and I, at the, at the same time I was doing Santa Claus, the streaming series, and I said, no, I'm doing a streaming series for you right now, I can't possibly do a sitcom at the same time. And I said, well, if you did it, what would it be? And I said, well, number one, and I listed the stuff I want to talk about, which is grief in this, so I wanted to have a guy that just lost his wife, I want to own a car shop, which I do in North Hollywood, next to a dance studio, which I do.

• 59:29Speaker 04

  And the art forms, the people that know, I, I have a, a passion for people that know how to do stuff. Like, I love tools, which.

• 59:39Bill Maher?

  Real stuff.

• 59:40Speaker 04

  Real stuff. People that know how to plumb.

• 59:41Bill Maher?

  Yes.

• 59:42Speaker 04

  And I just.

• 59:43Bill Maher?

  So many people who study, go to college and study bullshit.

• 59:47Speaker 04

  They don't know how to do anything.

• 59:48Bill Maher?

  It's just like, okay, you have a major in, you know, the queer poetry of the Asian diaspora.

• 59:56Speaker 04

  But there is a lot of demand for that.

• 59:59Bill Maher?

  What word does that fit in?

• 1:00:00Speaker 04

  Don't throw that out.

• 1:00:01Bill Maher?

  Here's shifting gears, comes back on January 7th.

• 1:00:05Speaker 04

  You just heard that?

• 1:00:09Bill Maher?

  No, I've been reading about it constantly.

• 1:00:11Speaker 04

  Oh god, it's in every friggin publication.

• 1:00:13Bill Maher?

  It's funny because.

• 1:00:14Speaker 04

  Trump was talking about it just the other day.

• 1:00:16Bill Maher?

  Yeah, you know, I was, again, I obviously, it's pretty plain, don't plan anything during this show. But if I was planning, I would have said, of the three, like, put upon white guys that you have played, because I do feel like that is the through line. You're the pimp. People like to see you as the put upon guy. And it does work. And why not work with what works? You know, have three characters that have something in common. But also show a different side of you as you phase into these different eras of your life. Is that a correct assessment?

• 1:00:53Speaker 04

  Very correct assessment. That's why I did it. I said, the first guy was loves construction equipment and the contracting business, and he had a sage, Wilson, behind the fence. Second guy was outdoor equipment, where he used to sell outdoor equipment, guns and all that stuff. And that guy had Hector Alizondo, who I just saw today, was kind of the father figure. This one, I am the father figure. Lost my wife, my daughter Kat Dennings, who's terrific, wonderful, wonderful. And she comes in, we have a bad relationship.

• 1:01:24Bill Maher?

  She's a great sitcom actress. She's great on your show, and she was great on the Two Broke Girls.

• 1:01:31Speaker 04

  She's a tremendous.

• 1:01:32Bill Maher?

  Has that. I did sitcoms. I know a great one when I see one.

• 1:01:35Speaker 04

  She's great at that, and Daryl Chilwell, who was on Galaxy Quest.

• 1:01:39Bill Maher?

  I remember he used to be on Politically Incorrect in his wheelchair.

• 1:01:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, and he's a, he's terrific. The cast is friggin terrific on this. And I said, what's. You know, I keep forgetting our rehearsal yesterday, or we come back on the show in January. We're on a break now. And it is so much fucking fun. And then the cast has not done live five or four camera with live audience. We still have a live audience and they're addicted to what I'm saying. It's a combination of stand up and movies. You know, we still have cameras doing that cut, cut move, and then you have an audience in there. And I don't know if it's a dying art. I don't know, because as I've told many people, that's what this started with. vaudeville.

• 1:02:23Bill Maher?

  How much do you put into it?

• 1:02:25Speaker 04

  Quite a bit.

• 1:02:26Bill Maher?

  Like I told my the writing.

• 1:02:27Speaker 04

  Quite a bit. I mean, in my way.

• 1:02:29Bill Maher?

  Because I.

• 1:02:30Speaker 04

  I don't get up in the writer's room. I'm down there in the set, said, this doesn't make any sense.

• 1:02:34Bill Maher?

  I may have told this story before on this show, but I don't give a fuck. I did one in my fallow period after I, you know, a lot of careers, they like have a start and then before you, you think you're on your way and the joke is just says, you're not on your way. Like yours was going to prison.

• 1:02:51Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:02:51Bill Maher?

  You're not quite on your way.

• 1:02:53Speaker 04

  Look at the time.

• 1:02:54Bill Maher?

  You're actually in prison.

• 1:02:55Speaker 04

  No, let's go back there.

• 1:02:56Bill Maher?

  I was just in show business jam.

• 1:02:58Speaker 04

  Right, okay.

• 1:02:59Bill Maher?

  Okay, so like I had done a sitcom, it looked like I was on my way, I got canceled. So then I was like the chimp who like does guest stars on other people's sitcoms. And I did the Bob Newhart.

• 1:03:09Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 1:03:10Bill Maher?

  The second one. Remember the one, Daryl, Daryl and.

• 1:03:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:14Bill Maher?

  So I remember that week, they were very nice to me. I was the guest star. Don't remember what I was playing, but I remember Bob Newhart, it was his show in the title. And he only made one suggestion the whole week, like during a read through. I don't remember what it was, like, you know, why don't you, you know, put a hat on the moose or something? And when we shot the show, it was the biggest laugh.

• 1:03:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:42Bill Maher?

  That's what I remember about Bob Newhart.

• 1:03:44Speaker 04

  I, I.

• 1:03:44Bill Maher?

  That, that blew my mind, that he made one suggestion. He did not, he didn't want, you know, he was at that phase of his career, like, I don't, it's not my job. I don't wanna be like,

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Bill Maher?

  the guy. You be the guy. I'm sixty-five, you're forty, you do it. But when I do say something.

• 1:04:02Speaker 04

  It's, it's gotten like that with me and I don't, I say, I don't wanna be this crotchety old fucker. And I did, you know, I said,

• 1:04:08Bill Maher?

  Too late now.

• 1:04:08Speaker 04

  but I don't, but I don't need, I don't need a, a person under thirty telling me how to be funny.

• 1:04:14Bill Maher?

  No.

• 1:04:14Speaker 04

  And sometimes.

• 1:04:15Bill Maher?

  You definitely don't need that.

• 1:04:16Speaker 04

  I just don't, I don't know how to say it. And what I, what always comes down to is I said, listen, I can't tell you I appreciate crew, riders, everybody. You do all the work. I, I literally do very little. But what happens is somebody's gonna have to get on the horse and ride it. Somebody makes the shoes, somebody feeds this horse, everything. But eventually, I have to ride the horse and none of you are gonna be on that horse. So at one point, I will ride that horse the way I ride a horse.

• 1:04:41Bill Maher?

  But you say you wanted it about grief and losing your wife. Now, this wasn't just like wish fulfillment.

• 1:04:47Speaker 04

  No, no. Oh, God. Honey, he's kidding.

• 1:04:53Bill Maher?

  Oh, like she's watching this.

• 1:04:54Speaker 04

  Yes, well, and she will be forced to, um, get the whole family. You will watch what we do. This is what pays the do re mi.

• 1:05:06Bill Maher?

  My guess is that this is the dad they see, because this is you as you. That's why I love doing this show, because it's not like my TV show. You know, there's no preparation. It's just me as I am and you as you are. But I'm guessing your family on the train or on the, uh, RV after you get the shit out, this is how they see you, right? They, dads are like a, a cool guy. You, you're very, you're a very cool guy.

• 1:05:32Speaker 04

  Or my, my youngest, because I did it to her one time, because she's, she's very funny. And she played my daughter in Santa Claus and by actually.

• 1:05:41Bill Maher?

  Oh, really? That's your daughter?

• 1:05:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's Sandra Claus.

• 1:05:44Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 1:05:44Speaker 04

  And so one night at dinner, she's giving me bits, you know, because she, she reads scripts with me, you know, I do a lot of my bits. I tried, you know, I'd looked at her one time. I just said, I'm eating. She goes, And I go, didn't land. And I just did it under my breath. She goes, and my wife goes, oh, that was hurtful. And I go, no, I just, that's why I'm not laughing. You can't.

• 1:06:06Bill Maher?

  Hurtful to you.

• 1:06:07Speaker 04

  You can't, you can't make me laugh. So now, anytime I do a bit that just kind of, I'm working it, you know, you work a bit, a little bit, you just, it doesn't work until you get the time right. My kid just now, didn't land, Dad. Didn't land. And now it's become kind of annoying.

• 1:06:23Bill Maher?

  Oh, that's funny.

• 1:06:23Speaker 04

  Oh, she's not, it's not funny.

• 1:06:25Bill Maher?

  That is funny though.

• 1:06:26Speaker 04

  I, cause now I don't know if she, if it's working or not, because she's really.

• 1:06:30Bill Maher?

  Yeah, but it's good to have a little inside joke in the family.

• 1:06:32Speaker 04

  Yeah. No, I was gonna say this, you, out of nowhere, cause I keep these subjects are so bright, is, uh, this is why I said I took my family to Jerusalem. I've never been there. We went to Cairo, which is.

• 1:06:46Bill Maher?

  Different.

• 1:06:47Speaker 04

  Um, yes. Different is, come in at night, there's a, uh, Four Seasons Hotel, I think that's where we stayed for, at night you go, wow, this is gorgeous. So Nile and the, the city. You wake up in the morning and going, when are we leaving? When can we get out of this? This is horrific. The traffic, they has no, when Mubarak was taken out, they zoning one away. So people would just build buildings in the middle of the street. It did the nicest staff at the hotel. I had security detail that took us around, wanted to see the pyramids, which we viewed from a Pizza Hut, which is right across the street from the pyramids. And there's a Sheraton Hotel. You don't see that in any pictures.

• 1:07:22Bill Maher?

  No.

• 1:07:23Speaker 04

  And then.

• 1:07:24Bill Maher?

  There's a Pizza Hut across.

• 1:07:25Speaker 04

  And one of the best Pizza Huts I've ever been to in Cairo, which was startling.

• 1:07:30Bill Maher?

  This is at Giza?

• 1:07:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, the, the pyramids are right there. You're talking about aliens?

• 1:07:35Bill Maher?

  How close can you get to the pyramid?

• 1:07:36Speaker 04

  We went, took a tour, took the camel ride.

• 1:07:38Bill Maher?

  You go right into pyramid?

• 1:07:39Speaker 04

  You can go, if you go in, if you want them, the big, the Giza.

• 1:07:42Bill Maher?

  Do you go in?

• 1:07:42Speaker 04

  You can.

• 1:07:43Bill Maher?

  There's an entrance?

• 1:07:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm a claustrophobic guy, so there's a little tunnel that's like this. Then I went, huh, you know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna take, I don't, I don't wanna.

• 1:07:51Bill Maher?

  I'd do the same.

• 1:07:52Speaker 04

  I don't wanna do that.

• 1:07:53Bill Maher?

  Right. But people do. They shimmy into the tunnel.

• 1:07:57Speaker 04

  Shimmy into the thing.

• 1:07:57Bill Maher?

  Did anybody give it stuck?

• 1:07:59Speaker 04

  No. The, the, the, the alien thing that you say came with me. I said, please, anybody. These don't belong here. There's nothing anywhere near, I say this to everybody that's been near them, there's nothing like this on the earth. Why'd they stop making pyramids like this? They make, oh, they make pyramids in the Aztecs. Now, those are step pyramids. These were covered in white onyx with a gold top, and they're in an L shape. From 30,000 feet, it looks particularly like some sort of a marker of something, but there's nothing like the pyramids. Cut to, we went to a fest-

• 1:08:35Bill Maher?

  And those are big blocks-

• 1:08:37Speaker 04

  It's, nothing makes sense.

• 1:08:39Bill Maher?

  How did they get the blocks there?

• 1:08:41Speaker 04

  Well, there's some guys that say the Nile used to be much closer to them, and you could just slide them up on the mud. There is a way-

• 1:08:47Bill Maher?

  I had this argument with somebody, and they did make a very compelling argument once with one word. I said, "How did they get all those giant, very heavy blocks in that age?" And they said, "Schleppers."

• 1:08:58Speaker 04

  (laughing)

• 1:09:01Bill Maher?

  It's kind of true.

• 1:09:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:02Bill Maher?

  They had slaves.

• 1:09:03Speaker 04

  Well, and then-

• 1:09:04Bill Maher?

  Get this fucking giant block over there-

• 1:09:06Speaker 04

  Their story was, they were paid very well for the time.

• 1:09:09Bill Maher?

  Zero.

• 1:09:10Speaker 04

  Zero.

• 1:09:11Bill Maher?

  Was not well-

• 1:09:12Speaker 04

  Well, but here's, and I get to Jerusalem, and number one, it's not anywhere near what you can visualize.

• 1:09:19Bill Maher?

  I was there.

• 1:09:20Speaker 04

  It's, Palestine is right there.

• 1:09:22Bill Maher?

  Right there.

• 1:09:23Speaker 04

  And it's just a fence. There's no guards everywhere. And he says, "You don't see this on CNN or anything else." I said, "It's right there." He says, "There's really no problem..." And you go to the border, and we wanted to see Bethlehem. There's just a gate, and there's a Jewish guard on one side, a Palestinian, he goes, and they, they both waved to each other, opened the thing, then you have to get into a Palestinian driver's car, and he drives you to Bethlehem. You go, there's a little shopping mall by there. And it was not what you think. And it's not what I thought. It was not, I don't know, the problem was-

• 1:10:01Speaker 04

  And as I studied it, if I don't know, it depends, it called historical priority. It was Donna Hearn, who this wonderful woman was one of Reagan's historians who passed away, she's just brilliant woman that said, she goes, historical preference, and it's a terrible term to me now, it depends on when you want to start.

• 1:10:21Bill Maher?

  Historical preference.

• 1:10:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, because people say, well, if you start here, then the Palestinians have a point, yeah, but if you go back two days prior to that, they don't have a point, and then where you want to go in history.

• 1:10:33Bill Maher?

  See, apropos of my point about the kids don't know about the history and don't care, I had this argument with someone recently, and they were, well, one I had right here with someone on the show, and I think we're still friends, but I mean, it got very heated about, I said, you know, if you had to live in the Middle East, where would you live? Don't you think it would be Tel Aviv? And, you know, it's Cairo versus Tel Aviv, I mean, I'm sure they're lovely people in Cairo, but as a woman, and she was wearing a sleeveless dress, I don't think you'd be comfortable there. And I had this other discussion with this other person, and they were like going on about colonialism, and I said, just, when was Mohammed born? No clue.

• 1:11:18Bill Maher?

  No clue. And they're like, what does that matter? Well, it matters a lot, because there was no Islam before Mohammed.

• 1:11:25Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:11:26Bill Maher?

  So, does it matter? He was born in 570 AD.

• 1:11:30Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:11:31Bill Maher?

  Okay, you have no clue, I couldn't get it, say, BC, AD, the fact that King David had a kingdom 1500 years before Mohammed was even born, it is relevant.

• 1:11:44Speaker 04

  It is relevant.

• 1:11:45Bill Maher?

  It's very relevant. It's not to say that the Palestinians don't have a right to that land also, which, again, the state of Israel has acknowledged from the beginning, can we just share it?

• 1:11:58Speaker 04

  Do they, now, it gets.

• 1:12:00Bill Maher?

  They're a little tired of asking the question.

• 1:12:01Speaker 04

  Well, and not, and not only that, it, it, the mistakes have been made.

• 1:12:06Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:06Speaker 04

  And I said, so I, my, now, my studies went back to Greek origin of both parties. Hebrew, which is a Aramaic term that means migrant.

• 1:12:17Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 1:12:18Speaker 04

  So that they might have both might.

• 1:12:20Bill Maher?

  Say that again. Hebrew is an Aramaic term?

• 1:12:23Speaker 04

  Aramaic term means migrant. So they all migrated and they could possibly, and someone's gonna say, where'd you read this? And it, I can't even remember, there's Palestinians or Philistines.

• 1:12:36Bill Maher?

  Yes, Philistine.

• 1:12:37Speaker 04

  Philistines and Hebrews were actually related and they both came.

• 1:12:42Bill Maher?

  Philistines were the Hebrews. They were, they were just a class of priesthood.

• 1:12:46Speaker 04

  A different class. And so I'm in this story and it's, a lot of the stuff, you, you, all of a sudden you wake up and it said, it was two tribes come from Greece, li- on that era, Gaza, and they wanted to land deal, whatever, the, whatever the problem was. They said, well, we'll settle this like a wrestling match. We're not gonna fight it out. It'd be you, your strongest soldier versus our strongest soldier.

• 1:13:10Bill Maher?

  Okay.

• 1:13:10Speaker 04

  And the Hebrews had nothing.

• 1:13:13Bill Maher?

  Yeah, they did that in those days.

• 1:13:14Speaker 04

  The Philistines had one called Goliath.

• 1:13:16Bill Maher?

  Goliath.

• 1:13:16Speaker 04

  And it wasn't a giant, it was just a big guy like The Rock. And the best they, the, the other guys could have was, you know, Tom Selleck. He just, it, it didn't work out.

• 1:13:26Bill Maher?

  But the Jews had David Shainbaum.

• 1:13:27Speaker 04

  But he didn't, but so I, I make it not a gag.

• 1:13:29Bill Maher?

  That was his last name. People don't know that.

• 1:13:31Speaker 04

  They don't know that. So David, he goes, I can take him. And he's, he's got the little loincloth on. Whoever it happens, I think he definitely whacked, knocked Goliath out. And the Jews said, well, and they go, we did say it. We're not happy about it. You can do what you wanna do. And I said, so that's just a story. Cut to, I'm in Jerusalem. David was the king. It did happen. Some version of that.

• 1:13:56Bill Maher?

  Well, there definitely was a kingdom. A thousand years before the birth of Christ.

• 1:14:00Speaker 04

  Was the king of Ju- of.

• 1:14:00Bill Maher?

  Absolutely. There was two kingdoms, some Judea, Judea and Samaria.

• 1:14:05Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:14:05Bill Maher?

  There were two kingdoms. There was definitely a kingdom. The Wailing Wall is still there.

• 1:14:09Speaker 04

  Still there.

• 1:14:10Bill Maher?

  I mean, it is a.

• 1:14:11Speaker 04

  Jerusalem is still there.

• 1:14:12Bill Maher?

  Wall of the temple that the Romans destroyed in 70 AD.

• 1:14:16Speaker 04

  All these creatures in our, whatever you call us, Homo sapiens, whatever the fuck you call us. They, you're in Jerusalem and then the guy, he was a Zionist guide and his sister was a Hasidic Jew and or the, or the, the very religious Jews are not Hasidic. And he, we got to go to the, into the old city and be, be with her for a minute, but he was Zionist. He was really not, he's Jewish in heritage only, but he was not a practicing Jew. And then he, out of nowhere he goes, and that's where Jesus walked through here. And then you go, it never occurred to me that the dude actually existed.

• 1:14:54Bill Maher?

  Right. Well, he may not have.

• 1:14:55Speaker 04

  Not according to this guy, because he said, that's where he did, that's Bethlehem, this is where he walked. This is, this is the Zionist guide said at one point.

• 1:15:04Bill Maher?

  Okay.

• 1:15:05Speaker 04

  He goes, the, probably the strongest, most powerful Jew ever. And, and then my kid, who's been in Catholic school, she goes, um, sir, I go to a Catholic school in North Hollywood and he was a Christian.

• 1:15:17Bill Maher?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:15:18Speaker 04

  And then I'm looking at the guide and I'm going, hey, sir, let's, let's not have an argument. Let's not have a 50 year old.

• 1:15:23Bill Maher?

  This is the kind of thing I say to them, it's okay that you said that to me, but just don't say that to anybody else, because they'll think you're really stupid.

• 1:15:32Speaker 04

  (laughing).

• 1:15:33Bill Maher?

  Really. And that's like a major one, that they don't get the whole Jesus was a Jew thing.

• 1:15:39Speaker 04

  Jew thing.

• 1:15:40Bill Maher?

  That Christianity came out of Judaism, that, you know, for the first hundred years after Christ died, it was sort of a debate. They, they were still known.

• 1:15:50Speaker 04

  Not, and not even a debate now. This is, this last trip, I want to take my family to see the Aegean Islands at, um, in a long story short, we went to walk these islands because I wanted to see, stay out of Athens. I love Greece. I love Greek food and I love the, um, being there. I had no idea who Saint, I gotta get him, Saint Paul, his name, Saul actually, his Jewish name.

• 1:16:15Bill Maher?

  Saul of Tarsus.

• 1:16:16Speaker 04

  Saul of Tarsus.

• 1:16:17Bill Maher?

  Became Saint Paul.

• 1:16:18Speaker 04

  All over Greece, you're going. I've read about him. I went to, I was an acolyte.

• 1:16:23Bill Maher?

  He was Greek.

• 1:16:24Speaker 04

  He was Greek.

• 1:16:25Bill Maher?

  No, no, no, Luke was Greek.

• 1:16:26Speaker 04

  Roman, no.

• 1:16:27Bill Maher?

  Luke was Greek.

• 1:16:28Speaker 04

  Saul was this, and I'm paraphrasing because I'm reading this, now I can read this guy.

• 1:16:33Bill Maher?

  Saul was from Tarsus. That's not Greece. That's present day Turkey.

• 1:16:37Speaker 04

  But he was a Jew and he was a prosecutor.

• 1:16:41Bill Maher?

  Everybody was a Jew.

• 1:16:42Speaker 04

  He prosecuted, but he's a zealot Jew, prosecuted Christians, prosecuted and then.

• 1:16:47Bill Maher?

  Undoubtedly gay.

• 1:16:48Speaker 04

  In.

• 1:16:49Bill Maher?

  No, really. He seems he's very, he's very hostile to women.

• 1:16:53Speaker 04

  Right. In, in the his prosecutorial thing, he changed his name to Paul. And he said, this is a story, I'm telling you the story and four other people with me on the road to Damascus. A light so bright blinded me. Jesus shows up, you know, my comic says, what's your frickin' problem with me? And he goes, oh God, we, we screwed up. He goes, you're damn right you screwed up. And he told his acolytes, he said, he went back to Jerusalem and said, guys, we've, we screwed up. I think we did kill the, uh, the actual living entity, whatever you call it.

• 1:17:26Bill Maher?

  Well, they had to to fulfill the destiny of mankind.

• 1:17:30Speaker 04

  And whatever it was, he said, so I think we've got to include these pagans into Judaeans. And they went, oh no. Then, no, that, you don't have to be, you don't have to eat no pork. You don't have to be circumcised, which goes like every comic's done that joke. The first guy that was circumcised is, he's going, hold on, you want me to cut the tip off?

• 1:17:49Bill Maher?

  That was my joke. That was my bit. What do you mean comics? That was what, that was my first.

• 1:17:55Speaker 04

  Oh, you're, you own that joke?

• 1:17:56Bill Maher?

  I did.

• 1:17:58Speaker 04

  You want me to cut, you want me to cut the tip of my what off?

• 1:18:01Bill Maher?

  Correct.

• 1:18:03Speaker 04

  That's your joke?

• 1:18:04Bill Maher?

  Totally. Nineteen, yes, I promise you, I could show you the films.

• 1:18:07Speaker 04

  I want to see it biblically.

• 1:18:09Bill Maher?

  This is nineteen eighty-two, but this is what happens to good humor sometimes. It gets like through the mists of time, like it just becomes like, you know, uh, generic or, no, somebody actually always came up with the first joke. Somebody once said, you know, I spent a week in Cleveland one day. And now everybody, but somebody actually wrote it and I wrote that one.

• 1:18:29Speaker 04

  This is the weirdest thing about comics.

• 1:18:32Bill Maher?

  I promise.

• 1:18:32Speaker 04

  I, listen, I toured with Kipidata when I first started out. And this guy onstage, his timing was so frickin' unbelievable.

• 1:18:40Bill Maher?

  He, I.

• 1:18:41Speaker 04

  How he paused between, I, I was amazed. So I stole his timing. I never stole his jokes. And then I go, Robin, God bless him, if he, if you were doing bits in front of him, there's a chance you'd see your bit onstage in a version of that.

• 1:18:58Bill Maher?

  Tim Thomerson punched him out.

• 1:18:59Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:19:00Bill Maher?

  Just for doing that.

• 1:19:01Speaker 04

  Doing that.

• 1:19:02Bill Maher?

  Punched him in the face.

• 1:19:03Speaker 04

  George Carlin, who I saw him in, early on in my career, same with P- Pryor. I said, I wanted John, Carlin to come see me. Cause I, I, I, I'm really getting hot. And I said, I don't see other comedians.

• 1:19:17Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:18Speaker 04

  Cause there's a good chances I will absorb some of your material.

• 1:19:21Bill Maher?

  He said the same thing to me.

• 1:19:22Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 1:19:23Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:23Speaker 04

  And then, uh, who was it? Oh, God, the guy's so funny, he's white, um.

• 1:19:27Bill Maher?

  White, that narrows it down.

• 1:19:30Speaker 04

  And that skin tone, the name, uh.

• 1:19:31Bill Maher?

  Oh.

• 1:19:33Speaker 04

  The name, uh.

• 1:19:34Bill Maher?

  Oh, his name is White?

• 1:19:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:19:38Bill Maher?

  Bob White?

• 1:19:38Speaker 04

  No, no, but anyway, my wife ta- yeah, I loved, he'd scream a little bit. He, he was really active, ah, gosh.

• 1:19:44Bill Maher?

  Sam Kinison?

• 1:19:45Speaker 04

  No, that type, type. And my wife saw me doing a big show in Detroit and she goes, you know, you're starting to do that guy. And I go, I am, aren't I? I'm doing my routine like that.

• 1:19:54Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 1:19:54Speaker 04

  And I did this once with Rich Jenny, who passed away.

• 1:19:57Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:58Speaker 04

  And he said, we, we toured together for quite a while. And at one point in, in Atlanta, we flipped acts. He did my act and I did his act.

• 1:20:06Bill Maher?

  Come on.

• 1:20:06Speaker 04

  It was fucking brilliant. And I said, why couldn't a comic do that? Like they cover music. Well, I go up there, hey, everybody, I'm gonna do a little bit of Bill Maher. Go into a little Jerry Seinfeld. And I end up with some Richard Pryor. Hope you enjoy it. And just do your bits. Why, if you mentioned that you were doing.

• 1:20:22Bill Maher?

  Your bits as them?

• 1:20:24Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:20:24Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 1:20:25Speaker 04

  And, and Jenny did my bits so stupid that they were funny.

• 1:20:30Bill Maher?

  And now you got your own plane. That I had to rent. I always enjoyed it. Oh, God.

• 1:20:38Speaker 04

  I, I, this story only is because I'm embarrassed because I thought they were environmentally. I thought because they blow clean air. And I'm a car guy. I had no idea that planes, I can't talk about environment or anything because of that.

• 1:20:50Bill Maher?

  Yeah, but.

• 1:20:51Speaker 04

  I can't. It's a horrifying thing.

• 1:20:53Bill Maher?

  It's a pleasure to find out that you're like so interested in so many different things and at such a deep level. Not that I thought you were just a tool and car guy, but I think, you know, I mean, look, you like to play that part. I mean, it works great for you. But, you know, you're, you're kind of like Leno, like a lot deeper than you let the public see.

• 1:21:16Speaker 04

  Well, thanks for that because I said, I said, Leno is like that.

• 1:21:19Bill Maher?

  He is totally like that. If the, I always think if Jay would, the things that twice he's done this one, like if the public could only see how incredibly funny you really are, and they already think you're very funny, and you are very funny, but you're not even close to like how great you are when you just like let the guard down.

• 1:21:38Speaker 04

  Oh, well, I said, what a, what a good experience this is. I just, I told him to get, oh, this was what it, I'm, the St. Paul thing, going to go back to that because what he said, I loved about, he said, listen, I'm gonna change in what's happened in my life. I was a philosophy major and Paul, he's now, he's a stoic. So he's a Greek philosopher. Now he's a, he, he wants to include the pagans into the Jewish religion because they think we shouldn't have murdered this guy, Jesus. He, I think he was telling the truth. So as, I'm not gonna be a prosecutor anymore. I'm a Jew, all the way. I'm a Jew. And they go, we're gonna kill you. He goes.

• 1:22:14Bill Maher?

  Let me finish.

• 1:22:17Speaker 04

  Let me finish. But he did this. He goes, and several times he goes, the problem you're gonna have with that is I'm also a Roman citizen. So they couldn't, every time he says, take me to court, but you gotta take me to Rome, and they're gonna put me in front of a magistrate, and he's going, he's committed no crime against Rome. And he said something very intuitive that I'm still studying because I, he says, law was based, basically invented to develop sin.

• 1:22:43Speaker 04

  Without law, you don't know what sinful is. So law was basically just to give you guardrails of what the world is. And what you're gonna get, what you're gonna find is the cycle of ignorance with philosophy. And that's where I've been in the last 20 years. Philosophy gets run in these circles. It can't explain anything, really. And this guy that changed my life, Wiganstein, this philosopher, said, I really don't know that the words I'm saying to you are... If I was in your brain, I'd go, "What the fuck are you thinking?"

• 1:23:17Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:23:18Speaker 04

  And I was getting very depressed about this. Because I don't really know if anybody knows what anybody's... We're lucky that we're even get through stoplights. Then I'm on stage one night. And a brilliant light hit me. I go, "Bullshit. Bullshit. I make a living making people laugh because I know exactly... They know exactly what I fucking mean."

• 1:23:38Bill Maher?

  Yeah, I feel the same way.

• 1:23:39Speaker 04

  I'm doing stand-up in this big auditorium. Where was it? Denver. When I get into these 5,300-seaters, I feel like a megastar with the balconies. And I go, "You think that's funny? Where'd you get the bit on this?"

• 1:23:52Bill Maher?

  You are a megastar. You have two franchise movies. That's a...

• 1:23:58Speaker 04

  But I said, that wasn't the purpose. The purpose of...

• 1:24:00Bill Maher?

  No, but...

• 1:24:01Speaker 04

  The stand-up is what I love.

• 1:24:02Bill Maher?

  That accounts for that. People coming out.

• 1:24:04Speaker 04

  But they listen. The reason they laugh at my stand-up is because they know exactly what I mean.

• 1:24:09Bill Maher?

  Well, that's the one great thing about stand-up. Or if you could look at it the other way, a terrible thing is that you can't buy even one minute of their love if you're not really doing it.

• 1:24:20Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:24:21Bill Maher?

  Like, no matter how big a star you are, you can't fake laughter.

• 1:24:24Speaker 04

  You can't fake it.

• 1:24:25Bill Maher?

  You can do it for a minute. A crowd will be like so excited to see a star walk out that they'll give you a minute of just nervous laughter. After that, you are on your own.

• 1:24:36Speaker 04

  You're on your own.

• 1:24:36Bill Maher?

  You are just the day you started doing comedy.

• 1:24:39Speaker 04

  No different.

• 1:24:40Bill Maher?

  It's no different. And there is something about that honesty that appeals to us in a way that nothing else in the business can.

• 1:24:48Speaker 04

  Nothing else like it when I get, there's a couple bits that I... Vintage bits. It's more about timing.

• 1:24:54Bill Maher?

  It's earned.

• 1:24:55Speaker 04

  And they love, they're starting to laugh. And I says, "Wait till you see what's coming." And it did, Pryor did it to me. Saw him, I thought I was gonna throw up. I laughed so frickin' hard at that guy. And everything, everything changed in my life.

• 1:25:08Bill Maher?

  Happens to you a lot.

• 1:25:09Speaker 04

  Oh, man, well, I was about right.

• 1:25:10Bill Maher?

  You're gonna throw up?

• 1:25:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, we're gonna throw up in here.

• 1:25:12Bill Maher?

  People are funny, you up to leave? If I don't make you vomit, or shit in your pants tonight, I'm gonna feel like a total failure.

• 1:25:20Speaker 04

  Put it in the holding tank. There's the, it's the black water and the gray water, and there's a little vent.

• 1:25:25Bill Maher?

  Graywater, I feel like, is a good name for a tribute band.

• 1:25:29Speaker 04

  That graywater, that's good.

• 1:25:30Bill Maher?

  You know, like, like, for, I don't know.

• 1:25:33Speaker 04

  Doobie Brothers did have Blackwater.

• 1:25:34Bill Maher?

  There you go. Doobie Brothers.

• 1:25:36Speaker 04

  I never thought of it.

• 1:25:36Bill Maher?

  Blackwater.

• 1:25:37Speaker 04

  Blackwater, this is, oh, Blackwater.

• 1:25:39Bill Maher?

  Tribute band that gets rid of your shit.

• 1:25:41Speaker 04

  Oh, God, I shouldn't have brought that up, because I love the Doobie Brothers.

• 1:25:44Bill Maher?

  I do, too.

• 1:25:46Speaker 04

  In concert, back then, what, great band, great band, same with Springsteen.

• 1:25:51Bill Maher?

  I mean, that's where we get the term doobie, is it not?

• 1:25:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, isn't it?

• 1:25:55Bill Maher?

  I think so. Yes, I think they were known as, uh, tokers of medical marijuana.

• 1:26:01Speaker 04

  What did they do? I didn't know, Jay Giles Band, I saw it, I was the.

• 1:26:03Bill Maher?

  Jay Giles?

• 1:26:04Speaker 04

  I was the booking guy for my university.

• 1:26:06Bill Maher?

  Now, you've lost a lot of the audience. Not me, but you've lost a lot of them. Jay Giles?

• 1:26:10Speaker 04

  Jay Giles Band, it's called, uh, Full House. It's, uh, gold or yellow album cover, the cards are all across. I was the booking agent for my college. I went to see bands to book for our thing. Some guy said, you gotta go with me down to the Cinderella Ballroom in Detroit. Captain Hook and the Medicine Show opened up, halfway through their act, the crowd's going, boo, get off the stage. They wanna see Jay Giles Band. I go, this is rude. That band came in, my life was, I couldn't, I didn't throw up. But the over hour and a half, I've never seen a concert that hot, where you're, it's over and you're sweating because you were dancing the whole time. That band was so rockabilly, in the booking, I'm gonna.

• 1:26:51Bill Maher?

  Tim, come back in ten years, when I'm eighty, and say Jay Giles, and I guarantee you I'm gonna say, is that my law firm? Because I'm just not good.

• 1:27:01Speaker 04

  Is that those two Hispanic guys that stand on the buses?

• 1:27:03Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:04Speaker 04

  The two brothers?

• 1:27:05Bill Maher?

  So, are you a fan of, like, a lot of obscure? I feel like Jay Giles Band is fairly obscure.

• 1:27:11Speaker 04

  Well, it was a platinum album, so I don't know.

• 1:27:13Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 1:27:13Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, it was huge.

• 1:27:15Bill Maher?

  Yeah, maybe there was one. There's like, remember Boss Gags?

• 1:27:18Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:19Bill Maher?

  That one album he had?

• 1:27:20Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:21Bill Maher?

  That like every song was a hit. Every song was.

• 1:27:23Speaker 04

  Every, but this is the.

• 1:27:24Bill Maher?

  We're all alone.

• 1:27:25Speaker 04

  Very.

• 1:27:26Bill Maher?

  Remember that song?

• 1:27:27Speaker 04

  I love it.

• 1:27:28Bill Maher?

  Is that not the greatest ballad ever?

• 1:27:30Speaker 04

  A little embarrassing. I'm working in Vancouver, a big venue, outdoors, sold out. Boss Gags came by, his manager goes, Boss Gags is a big fan of yours, Tim Allen. I go, well, great. And it's this huge venue. And, and I see, he's here, he's here. Yeah, he's playing tonight. I go, well,

• 1:27:52Speaker 04

  is there another venue? He goes, he goes, no. He goes, where are you playing? Are you in the amphitheater? I go, yeah, where's he? He's in the bar. And I went, oh.

• 1:28:06Bill Maher?

  Come on.

• 1:28:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:28:07Bill Maher?

  The bar.

• 1:28:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:28:10Speaker 04

  Our bar, you know, was fifty people drinking. He's in the lounge in the bar. Boss Gags. I went, oh.

• 1:28:17Bill Maher?

  As a paying gig?

• 1:28:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, as a gig. I've done, I've, I've, I've been on the road where I go to gigs that I see major fricking guys.

• 1:28:26Bill Maher?

  I once was in Vegas and Gary Puckett and the Union Cap.

• 1:28:30Speaker 04

  Well.

• 1:28:31Bill Maher?

  Were, what do you mean, well?

• 1:28:33Speaker 04

  Well, it's.

• 1:28:35Bill Maher?

  They had four giant hits in nineteen sixty-eight. Do you remember nineteen sixty-eight? I know you do.

• 1:28:40Speaker 04

  What was, what was the, it's cars. Chevy, it made a great Camaro, yeah.

• 1:28:44Bill Maher?

  What?

• 1:28:45Speaker 04

  Chevy made a great Camaro in sixty-eight.

• 1:28:47Bill Maher?

  Oh, my God. You and, what is it with comics and cars? You and Leno and Seinfeld and, like, what, what, what is this? I have no connection to cars. What, what is this comic car thing?

• 1:28:57Speaker 04

  I have no idea. I have no idea. But you got, did you see Newhart and Rickles do their bit on this?

• 1:29:03Bill Maher?

  No, maybe. I forgot.

• 1:29:05Speaker 04

  Christ, it's funny.

• 1:29:06Bill Maher?

  About what?

• 1:29:06Speaker 04

  Rickles was a dog and Newhart the whole time because they're best of friends. What a.

• 1:29:11Bill Maher?

  That I knew.

• 1:29:12Speaker 04

  What a loser he is, what a loser is.

• 1:29:13Bill Maher?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:14Speaker 04

  And Newhart goes, yeah, it's tough, you know? But the lounge worked good for you. Well, I was in the major. It was good.

• 1:29:21Bill Maher?

  Rickles worked the lounges.

• 1:29:22Speaker 04

  He worked the lounge and Newhart was in the showroom.

• 1:29:25Bill Maher?

  Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

• 1:29:26Speaker 04

  It would, but he constantly mentioned it and he goes, yeah, that's, that's right, Don. But, you know, my wife and I would always see you out there in the lounge. We'd catch you after the big show and we'd all have dinner. And then Rickles, I love those two together. I love those. That was a.

• 1:29:40Bill Maher?

  I loved together or separately.

• 1:29:42Speaker 04

  Separately.

• 1:29:42Bill Maher?

  You know, like when I was a kid, when Rickles was on The Tonight Show.

• 1:29:45Speaker 04

  Loved it.

• 1:29:46Bill Maher?

  That was like occasion, especially if it was the summer when we could stay up. I feel like it was often that.

• 1:29:52Speaker 04

  Jonathan Winters.

• 1:29:52Bill Maher?

  Oh, because Johnny would come out to the West Coast in the summer, remember?

• 1:29:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:56Bill Maher?

  Like, that was a big thing, The Tonight Show on the West Coast. And Rickles would come on and it was like an occasion for the family to gather around the hearth that was the television, the Magnavox or whatever we were watching.

• 1:30:10Speaker 04

  The hearth. And Jonathan Winters, brilliant pieces on The Tonight Show. Charles Grodin was.

• 1:30:17Bill Maher?

  Oh, Charles Grodin was a great talk show guest because he was the only one who would, like, make Johnny uncomfortable.

• 1:30:24Speaker 04

  I know, it looks like he didn't want to be there. Boy, how much longer I have to.

• 1:30:27Bill Maher?

  And would get into, see, the paradox of Johnny Carson was he was the biggest star to, no matter who he was talking to, he was the biggest star, which is an odd sort of thing because the bigger star is asking the lesser star questions, like, but that's why Johnny was gracious on the show.

• 1:30:46Speaker 04

  On the show.

• 1:30:47Bill Maher?

  You know, he was like, oh, let's hear about you, I'm interested.

• 1:30:50Speaker 04

  He was wonderful at that.

• 1:30:51Bill Maher?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:30:52Speaker 04

  Made you feel it was all about you.

• 1:30:53Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:30:54Speaker 04

  He was really good at that.

• 1:30:55Bill Maher?

  Uh, he was also a giant thief. He stole, um, The Answer Man.

• 1:31:01Speaker 04

  And Lifestavers from local.

• 1:31:03Bill Maher?

  Lock, Stock and Tomahawk from Steve Allen.

• 1:31:05Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:31:06Bill Maher?

  He stole Aunt Blabby, Lock, Stock and Tomahawk, and made it into, um, oh, no, his Aunt Blabby was Jonathan Winters, somebody, some other character that Jonathan Winters do. When Johnny used to get into the dress and the wig and do Aunt Blabby. He was just doing, he was just completely ripping off, he did it shamelessly. Johnny was a hard man.

• 1:31:30Speaker 04

  What would it take to get back on the, doing concerts? Just too much prep for you?

• 1:31:36Bill Maher?

  A combination of things. One, I'm seventy. I don't sleep well on the road.

• 1:31:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:31:45Bill Maher?

  And if you don't sleep well, you don't shit.

• 1:31:47Speaker 04

  I get it. There we go. There we go.

• 1:31:52Bill Maher?

  I wasn't even gonna go there.

• 1:31:54Speaker 04

  Here we fucking go.

• 1:31:55Bill Maher?

  I wasn't even gonna go there.

• 1:31:56Speaker 04

  And I just bought a new walker, so got that.

• 1:31:59Bill Maher?

  No, but like.

• 1:32:00Speaker 04

  But it's chrome.

• 1:32:03Speaker 04

  It's beautiful. It's Hermes.

• 1:32:05Bill Maher?

  Also, like, the people who run hotels, I don't know what happened with that generation, but they're either stoned, or they're disaffected, or whatever. But they can't do simple things. And the hotels themselves, I'm talking about five-star hotels. I, this was annoying, using a private plane and five-star hotels. There was still so much aggravation with going on the road. I mean, I stayed at the Plaza Hotel, which, they were so nice. They would blackout the windows. They volunteered to do it. We heard Bill sleeps late, we'll do like the Elvis thing with the, with the silver foil. I mean, they could not have been nicer. And then one time I stayed there, and the TV didn't work, and couldn't work.

• 1:32:49Bill Maher?

  And they sent up an engineer and they couldn't get it to work. I was like, okay. I guessed TV, that could happen once. I'm not gonna throw them under the bus. I stayed at the second time, TV didn't work again. I was like, you fucking people can't make a TV work in a five-star hotel.

• 1:33:06Speaker 04

  Well, it's difficult to explain.

• 1:33:09Speaker 04

  Make it seem like it's your fault. That's how to get to, you know, television isn't as popular as it used to be.

• 1:33:16Bill Maher?

  And yet you have managed to have all these sitcoms, like, in an era when they don't do it anymore.

• 1:33:22Speaker 04

  Or, but these days, people go, literally go, what's ABC? Do you literally have kids?

• 1:33:30Bill Maher?

  Oh, absolutely.

• 1:33:31Speaker 04

  At my younger daughter's.

• 1:33:32Bill Maher?

  What's television?

• 1:33:32Speaker 04

  What's television?

• 1:33:33Bill Maher?

  Kind of.

• 1:33:34Speaker 04

  And they're like this. Is TV on here?

• 1:33:36Bill Maher?

  Right, exactly.

• 1:33:37Speaker 04

  I take her to a movie, because we love our movie night, and she's watching the movie like this. The movie's on. And I go, hey. She goes, I got it.

• 1:33:48Speaker 04

  Like, she's, she's so used to this, this seven-second intervals on Instagram, or Snapchat, or whatever the hell she was, and she goes.

• 1:33:57Bill Maher?

  Click dick, Tim.

• 1:33:58Speaker 04

  Click.

• 1:33:59Bill Maher?

  It's called click dick.

• 1:34:00Speaker 04

  I get it. I just don't, I don't know where it goes.

• 1:34:06Speaker 04

  And then the little one, my older one is is back to TV again a little bit. But I said this, the the situation now is curious because I work at ABC and it's all about what ABC can do for Hulu.

• 1:34:21Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:22Speaker 04

  And I said, so what, so why are we doing eight episodes? It used to be 22.

• 1:34:28Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:34:30Speaker 04

  And I get what sounds like this, but I'm sure they meant, they go, it's all, it's a comic, I don't know what I said.

• 1:34:38Speaker 04

  And as serious people will sit down and go, just could you slow that down one more time? I think I heard the, I heard the first part, Tim.

• 1:34:44Bill Maher?

  That's hysterical.

• 1:34:46Speaker 04

  We have, there's a, there's a matrix that we have.

• 1:34:55Speaker 04

  Then I feel so stupid, I thought, I got, I've got this. And then I got a major player at one of my studio people. It's ship has sailed. It's a simpler system. People like this. And I snapped, it was when I was having SAG and the AFL, the unions, all of us were talking about this strike. And I was involved in this. I said, just outline, we're not trying to get more money, we're just trying to get what's coming to us, but you, you've taken away residuals and all this. It's simple, the ship has sailed.

• 1:35:26Bill Maher?

  Nothing better than getting a good comic mad about something.

• 1:35:30Speaker 04

  It is.

• 1:35:31Bill Maher?

  It really is like the best thing you can do.

• 1:35:33Speaker 04

  Is get him angry.

• 1:35:34Bill Maher?

  Get him mad, get a good comic mad about something.

• 1:35:37Speaker 04

  Well, I still say this.

• 1:35:38Bill Maher?

  And it just, they just, it just something takes over.

• 1:35:41Speaker 04

  You've been to Vegas many times. You say gambling is only good for the casinos. There's one guy, because I don't gamble, and the guy.

• 1:35:49Bill Maher?

  Just like self-help books are only good for the self-help authors.

• 1:35:52Speaker 04

  Guy, author, right.

• 1:35:53Bill Maher?

  They do fantastic.

• 1:35:54Speaker 04

  The guy in Vegas, I was up like three in the morning with John Fox, and we were running around downstairs, and I go. People screaming at craps. And I told one of the guys, teach me craps. And he goes, that's like showing somebody how to do heroin. He goes, if you haven't, if you don't have any interest in it, you're better off just giving the doorman a hundred dollars. Help him out, but you're never gonna win. This hotel is huge because of losers.

• 1:36:23Bill Maher?

  Exactly.

• 1:36:24Speaker 04

  It's losers, this whole thing is losing.

• 1:36:26Bill Maher?

  It's the greatest industry in the world. People give you money for nothing.

• 1:36:29Speaker 04

  For nothing.

• 1:36:30Bill Maher?

  And Trump couldn't make it work.

• 1:36:32Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:36:33Bill Maher?

  He couldn't make work an industry where people give you money for nothing.

• 1:36:36Speaker 04

  Was he gaming? Was he?

• 1:36:38Bill Maher?

  He was at Atlantic City.

• 1:36:39Speaker 04

  Oh, that's right.

• 1:36:40Bill Maher?

  When you said he wanted to be a producer, I had never heard that. You know what that's the plot of? The, you know, the Elmore Leonard movie with John Travolta.

• 1:36:50Speaker 04

  Good one.

• 1:36:51Bill Maher?

  What? You know, what I'm talking about, Chili Palmer?

• 1:36:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:36:54Bill Maher?

  What is that movie? What is that?

• 1:36:56Speaker 04

  You live near me in Michigan.

• 1:36:57Bill Maher?

  There's like two of them. They're great.

• 1:36:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:37:00Bill Maher?

  Travolta's great in them. But he's the guy, he's the gangster who wants to be a movie producer.

• 1:37:05Speaker 04

  Well, that's right. What is that?

• 1:37:07Bill Maher?

  What is that? It's a famous movie. I'm stoned, you're not. You should be able to come up with it. And there's a sequel. They're both fantastic.

• 1:37:15Speaker 04

  Trump looked at me and he goes, well, what, and we're talking about, it was, the Academy Award winner was not Game of Thrones, the other one, The Hobbit, not The Hobbit. It was the four movies trilogy.

• 1:37:26Bill Maher?

  Rings, Lord of the Rings.

• 1:37:28Speaker 04

  And he goes, that was a funny bit that he stole, he used it. He says, what do you think's gonna win? I go, Lord of the Rings, it's up there, but three movies. He goes, is it good? I go, actually, for that sort of movie, I've read the book and it's, yeah, it's very well done. He goes, I should, I should watch that. And I go, Don, it's three, two hour movies, it's six hours. I mean, I don't know, your plane flight. And he goes, well, I could watch it in, you know, Don, you're rich enough, you could get somebody to watch it for you. He cackled, he laughed so fucking hard at that. And then he does it, I hear it.

• 1:38:03Bill Maher?

  No, they hated me when I reported that he listens to you and that he laughs. And that he never once like objected when I contradicted him or went up against him. He's a completely different guy.

• 1:38:16Speaker 04

  Different guy in person.

• 1:38:17Bill Maher?

  Right. My friend says he has undiagnosed Tourette syndrome when he gets out in front of the cameras.

• 1:38:23Speaker 04

  In front of the camera, at the phone.

• 1:38:24Bill Maher?

  And that he does, I think that's what it.

• 1:38:26Speaker 04

  It's Tourette's, exactly.

• 1:38:27Bill Maher?

  When you're behind the scene, when you're just privately with him, you know, these people, you're gonna humanize him. Well, I hate to tell you, he's a human.

• 1:38:36Speaker 04

  He's a granddad.

• 1:38:37Bill Maher?

  He's a human who like is the president, so you're gonna have to talk to him matter what you think.

• 1:38:41Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:38:42Bill Maher?

  It's just so stupid.

• 1:38:43Speaker 04

  But he's, what got him, he goes, so the, what was the movie he was talking about? And he says, so if we got a studio together, let's say the movie cost, you know, a million six or a million, better than a million twenty, and then I said, you gotta double that at least for the promotion. So you, you got two ten into a movie, two hundred million. He goes, what if the ticket sales are slow? You lose. He goes, yeah, but you gotta make up the loss somehow. How do you make up the loss? I said, well, there'll be some tax benefit, but you lose the money. That's how come the studios struggle, they're looking for winners. You amortize your loss with losers over winners. He goes, oh. And I go, he went, he like completely decided at that moment, I'm not gonna get in this business. He says, if I buy a bad building.

• 1:39:26Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:39:26Speaker 04

  And it, it won't sell, I still have the fucking building.

• 1:39:29Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:39:29Speaker 04

  If you have a shitty movie.

• 1:39:31Bill Maher?

  No.

• 1:39:32Speaker 04

  And he says, no, this is not an easy business.

• 1:39:34Bill Maher?

  Every movie is like a startup company.

• 1:39:36Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:39:36Bill Maher?

  I mean, a startup, if you spend, if a, if a angel in Silicon Valley gives you two hundred million dollars for a startup business, which they do, that's a big business.

• 1:39:47Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:39:47Bill Maher?

  But that's what a high-end movie costs.

• 1:39:49Speaker 04

  Right, right.

• 1:39:50Bill Maher?

  That's a startup, and maybe it's gonna be a success, and maybe it's gonna be a big loser.

• 1:39:55Speaker 04

  And he said, the fact that these guys did it, and I got it, it's, things have changed, and I don't know where we are right now, where the people go, the people that have visions that, um... Alan at Disney, Alan Bergman, he has this passion that it used to be like the latest animated movie from Disney and it slips from my mind, I saw the look in his face and it's gonna beat the Tom Cruise movie that was the new one for.

• 1:40:22Bill Maher?

  Maverick?

• 1:40:23Speaker 04

  No, the new one where he was in the.

• 1:40:25Bill Maher?

  Oh, Mission Impossible?

• 1:40:26Speaker 04

  Mission Impossible, and it did, it beat at the box office, one of these things, and they had that passion again, where it used to be on the Radford lot, there was cottages all along the side where writers would come out, how about this, how about this, and we've lost that, there isn't, there aren't, there isn't.

• 1:40:43Bill Maher?

  You were really smart to get into cartoons. No, really.

• 1:40:47Speaker 04

  Well.

• 1:40:47Bill Maher?

  I mean, that's where the, the business went.

• 1:40:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I, I, what I'm saying is that I, there's been a couple of big stars, this is, the business out here is not the business I signed up for a long time ago, the passion was to entertain people.

• 1:40:58Bill Maher?

  Yeah, but I bet the money is.

• 1:41:00Speaker 04

  It's not like it used to be.

• 1:41:02Bill Maher?

  Come on.

• 1:41:02Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:41:03Bill Maher?

  Toy Story?

• 1:41:04Speaker 04

  Oh, that.

• 1:41:05Bill Maher?

  What do you think we're talking about?

• 1:41:07Speaker 04

  Well, I'm talking about my, this, the way the sitcom.

• 1:41:09Bill Maher?

  Or Santa Claus, I mean, they're both.

• 1:41:11Speaker 04

  The movies, but when you do streaming.

• 1:41:13Bill Maher?

  They can't do either one of them without you.

• 1:41:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, but the.

• 1:41:15Bill Maher?

  When you have that kind of leverage, come on.

• 1:41:17Speaker 04

  However.

• 1:41:18Bill Maher?

  Yeah, it's like, it's almost like you could buy your own plane.

• 1:41:22Speaker 04

  Gotta go there again.

• 1:41:23Bill Maher?

  That I flew it.

• 1:41:24Speaker 04

  But it's a mission.

• 1:41:25Bill Maher?

  It was red on the inside, as I remember.

• 1:41:27Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:41:28Bill Maher?

  What's with the red?

• 1:41:29Speaker 04

  No, no, that's not mine.

• 1:41:30Bill Maher?

  No?

• 1:41:31Speaker 04

  That was the old one, I have another one.

• 1:41:32Bill Maher?

  Oh, you have another one?

• 1:41:33Speaker 04

  I have a fleet.

• 1:41:34Bill Maher?

  I guess I got the old one, yeah, and now I find out about you too, Mel, when I get the shitty old plane.

• 1:41:39Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 1:41:39Bill Maher?

  No, no, I was always happy to have it.

• 1:41:41Speaker 04

  But it said, in my defense.

• 1:41:43Bill Maher?

  I never wanted to own.

• 1:41:44Speaker 04

  I love, I, I love airplanes, and, cause if you don't love them.

• 1:41:49Bill Maher?

  Oh, well, certainly we love private planes.

• 1:41:51Speaker 04

  Well, no, but I loved it, that's what I'm saying, I flew on one, one time for Disney, and I, they took me to two cities for home improvement, and they said, we're gonna get you to Florida, and I said, we're flying to Atlanta, and for instance, they said, that average, the person at Disney said, just, why don't you just use the plane, I go, I'm not gonna ask the studio to use the plane, she goes, we fly people to Cabo for a fishing trip. And you're gonna go to five cities to sell a billion dollars worth of product. I think you deserve to take the plane. But don't pause when you ask for it. Just say, "Send me the plane." Don't say, "Please, uh, you know, if it's okay, uh, if you have enough gas."

• 1:42:28Bill Maher?

  I did a thing one, about two years ago, I should send it to you if you haven't seen it, about like, people who take private planes. And I was just like saying, I mean, it was a whole thing about the environmental, which I would like to think, I'm still an environmentalist. I certainly think there is an environmental crisis. But I was saying, we have tried for 50 years to try the method of shaming people into doing what's right. Plainly, that doesn't work on Americans.

• 1:42:53Speaker 04

  Well, you know who did it best? You know who said it best was, uh, the Terminator Schwarzenegger. And he said it by one of those things that you wanna get annoyed by him, but, "Nobody gives a shit about climate change." He said that, remember he said it? He goes, "Nobody cares about climate change." Pause. Pollution, we understand. The word "climate change" is so broad, you go, "Oh, we can't..."

• 1:43:15Bill Maher?

  Right, pollution.

• 1:43:17Speaker 04

  You can handle pollution.

• 1:43:18Bill Maher?

  Things of that nature.

• 1:43:19Speaker 04

  And I so agree with them. Climate change is real, I get it. What can I do about it? Use less plastic. I put solar on my house. Anything I can do to lower my carbon footprint.

• 1:43:29Bill Maher?

  Well, all that bullshit that you did, Tim, didn't add up to one millionth of the trips you've taken on that. And, and I took just on your...

• 1:43:38Speaker 04

  No, but it's true. But, you know...

• 1:43:39Bill Maher?

  You can't private plane shame me. But, no, I don't, that was the point of the bit I did.

• 1:43:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:43:44Bill Maher?

  I was saying, like, we have tried this. I'm an environmentalist, I believe it's a problem. But, you know, using a cloth bag is not gonna fix it. And the plastic, by the way, that everyone separates, like, 95% of it winds up where it was going to anyway, which is the ocean. So just don't fuck with me. And then I showed a picture of every celebrity who claims to be a giant environmentalist.

• 1:44:08Speaker 04

  Don't get me started on that. So I don't say it.

• 1:44:10Bill Maher?

  So like, as long as there's 6,000 flights a day... Me doing one more, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be on Greta's sailboat, okay? Because I hear getting the shit off that thing is a mess.

• 1:44:23Speaker 04

  But I said that Arnold comment, I said, I really like his frame of mind on many things. But that one, he's so right. Give me a problem I can deal with, with the wording, climate change, it makes everybody feel helpless.

• 1:44:35Bill Maher?

  You're right.

• 1:44:36Speaker 04

  There's nothing like.

• 1:44:37Bill Maher?

  It's too big.

• 1:44:38Speaker 04

  It's, it's nothing like feeling helpless to get people to do nothing.

• 1:44:41Bill Maher?

  They had a, a, a strike in Paris a few years ago, the Yellow Jacket strike. And it was about, you know, Macron, who I think is a very smart guy and wants to get in on the climate issue. And it's all valid, but the guy said, you know, he's thinking about the end of the world. I'm thinking about the end of the month.

• 1:45:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:45:01Bill Maher?

  And that says a lot, you know, it really epitomizes what a lot of people think. And you have to find a way to square that circle if you're gonna make it work. Because if you're not gonna do something that practically works, then we're just fucking jerking each other off. Putting the plastic in a separate bag. Fuck you if you, if you made me do that all these years and it just went to the same place. You're just jerking me off.

• 1:45:24Speaker 04

  Went to D W P for the History Channel and watched what they do. Number one, I used to, I, I was always mad at the D W P for a variety of reasons. Till I went down there and saw the people that do the fricking work for us in Los Angeles.

• 1:45:37Bill Maher?

  Department of Water and Power.

• 1:45:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, they do, they build the power wires and the grids and they do so much. And there were so many fricking hardworking people down there. I was ashamed at what I felt, because they don't do it in my neighborhood. Streets are corrupt, they, they do these big cisterns and clean out that black and brown water. I'm talking about when you're dumping that.

• 1:45:54Bill Maher?

  Gotta be done.

• 1:45:55Speaker 04

  They ought to be done. And they did recycle. And you look at how difficult it is.

• 1:46:02Speaker 04

  And in a, in a way, there's just nothing to do with it. You know, they recycle metal with this big machine that the magnet takes reusable metal. That's okay. And think of the energy that it takes to take the metal away from the other metal and then store it and put it back and heat it up to turn into metal.

• 1:46:22Bill Maher?

  I mean, and also there's the problem of nobody wants it in their backyard.

• 1:46:26Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:46:27Bill Maher?

  I mean, nuclear waste, they tried to put it in Yucca Mountain.

• 1:46:30Speaker 04

  Right, right.

• 1:46:31Bill Maher?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, it's still. Everyone was like, who gives a shit about Yucca Mountain? Oh, wait, they're gonna put nuclear waste there?

• 1:46:37Speaker 04

  Right, right, right.

• 1:46:37Bill Maher?

  That's a hundred miles away. You can't do that to me.

• 1:46:40Speaker 04

  Well, as I said.

• 1:46:40Bill Maher?

  Then where?

• 1:46:41Speaker 04

  You look at the whole overview, there was a Texas company that I had read that had, they're getting much cleaner coal, sixty percent cleaner. So, look, where you can use coal, where you can, smaller nuclear reactors, not these big ones, that are very difficult to screw up. You don't want the ones that can screw up. Definitely don't want that. And then one guy said, all the nuclear waste, this is probably six years ago, would be a six-foot-high square that would fill up a football field. That's all the nuclear waste on the planet. He said, when you look at it that way, that's not very much.

• 1:47:22Bill Maher?

  It's workable.

• 1:47:23Speaker 04

  It's workable. You don't want to put it now, where they're thinking is put it in one of your homes here because you've got so many homes on this property that you're not using.

• 1:47:31Bill Maher?

  That's not the truth.

• 1:47:32Speaker 04

  Well, no, I've been told by your staff that if you have.

• 1:47:35Bill Maher?

  That's not true.

• 1:47:36Speaker 04

  Well.

• 1:47:37Bill Maher?

  Don't make it like.

• 1:47:38Speaker 04

  I've talked to the.

• 1:47:39Bill Maher?

  I live very modestly.

• 1:47:40Speaker 04

  I talked to the staff of the staff because you have a lot. There's people that work for the people that work.

• 1:47:46Bill Maher?

  Well, I have people who talk to the staff for me. You don't expect me to talk directly to the staff.

• 1:47:51Speaker 04

  You don't know eye contact. That's how I get along. You do not want looking at these people. I don't know what they eat. I don't care what they eat. Just don't eat it here.

• 1:48:00Bill Maher?

  They eat what they get on the land, okay? Whatever they can pour on the land is what the peasants get.

• 1:48:05Speaker 04

  I totally go by that.

• 1:48:07Bill Maher?

  Christ.

• 1:48:08Speaker 04

  I just eat a lot and I scoot some of it off the table.

• 1:48:12Bill Maher?

  But it sounds like you could be setting yourself up for a political run. You would actually be very successful. You're iconic, you're middle of the road, you're middle of the country. If you ran as an old school, blue dog Democrat.

• 1:48:28Speaker 04

  Why the word old?

• 1:48:29Bill Maher?

  I, oh, well, you're old.

• 1:48:30Speaker 04

  With a new chrome walker.

• 1:48:32Bill Maher?

  We can't, we can't, we can't ally that. We are who we are at the age we are. We're not Biden era old. We're not there. We are totally, you look, I'm telling you, you, you as, you have aged as well as you can. That's the only, only realistic compliment I can give you.

• 1:48:49Speaker 04

  I'm slapping it, crying inside.

• 1:48:50Bill Maher?

  You know, you are not.

• 1:48:51Speaker 04

  You've aged as well as you can.

• 1:48:53Bill Maher?

  You absolutely have. You have hair, you're not fat.

• 1:48:57Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:48:58Bill Maher?

  Your skin looks good.

• 1:48:59Speaker 04

  But still the way I heard it, you've aged as well as you can.

• 1:49:02Bill Maher?

  Your skin looks good. You mentioned your dermatologist, which was a little weird for a man. You know, you're wearing jeans.

• 1:49:10Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:49:10Bill Maher?

  You, you know, you're a dermatologist.

• 1:49:12Speaker 04

  You know, you're. Who missed skin cancer.

• 1:49:16Speaker 04

  Five times, the lady at the Today Show noticed it. She's going, I'm not a dermatologist, but you have, there's something on your nose.

• 1:49:23Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 1:49:23Speaker 04

  That I kept, this is two years. I did Jimmy Fallon and then I did it next to the Today Show. And she goes, I see you haven't done anything. And I'm going, I have a very prominent dermatologist in Beverly Hills. And so the bit was, he goes like this, I said, funny, I said, hey doc, would you take a look at this thing on my nose? First time I've ever seen him go, hold on a minute.

• 1:49:47Speaker 04

  He put glasses on for the first time in 30 years. I go, how long have you worn glasses? He goes, I don't like how I look in them. And then he's, he sees my nose, he looks at my nose and he goes, oh shit, shit. Janice, get Paul in here and my lawyer. And they all come in and he goes, yeah, I screwed up. That's a melanoma, but Flavio Carson, because and he works for Netflix now. And he had, he had, he, well, they cut half my fucking nose off, which is a whole nother story. Send me to a breast cancer guy that could take it off, but he's.

• 1:50:17Bill Maher?

  I don't see anything.

• 1:50:18Speaker 04

  Well, now he did a good job. He goes, he said, I'm gonna have to cut most of your nose off. And he said it like that. And I go, let me explain what I do for a living. Unless I'm gonna do Blazing Saddles with the guy with the silver nose, you have to leave some of my fucking nose on, so I can do comedy without doing 20 minutes on having no nose. No, but it all worked out. The guy was good, the surgeon was good.

• 1:50:41Bill Maher?

  Wow, amazingly good.

• 1:50:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, dermatologically, that's...

• 1:50:46Bill Maher?

  All right, well, thank you.

• 1:50:48Speaker 04

  Thank you, man.

• 1:50:49Bill Maher?

  This is such a pleasure.

• 1:50:50Speaker 04

  Oh, God, I'm telling you.

• 1:50:51Bill Maher?

  Really? You had a good time?

• 1:50:53Speaker 04

  Is there any place to... Are we ever gonna get out of here?

• 1:50:56Bill Maher?

  Yes. Yeah, I'm...

• 1:50:58Speaker 04

  You're locked in?

• 1:50:59Bill Maher?

  I'm getting you off right now.

• 1:51:00Speaker 04

  Locked in here?

• 1:51:01Bill Maher?

  No, no, no, there's a bathroom right there.

• 1:51:04Speaker 04

  Or are you too late?

• 1:51:10Bill Maher?

  Whatever you wanna do. All you have to do is take a picture.

• 1:51:13Speaker 04

  This is fun, fun.

• 1:51:13Bill Maher?

  This was so much fun.

• 1:51:14Speaker 04

  Damn.

• 1:51:21Speaker 01

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