The DFK Story I Haven’t Told — Until Now

In this powerful and intimate episode, Dr. Becky shares the never-before-told story behind the original Deeply Feeling Kid (DFK) - her daughter. For the first time, she opens up about what it was really like parenting a child with big emotions: the moments of connection, the moments of struggle, and the internal battles no one else could see.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So you've heard me talk about deeply feeling kids and our deeply feeling kids approach, but I promise you, you haven't heard this. A lot of you have asked me to speak more about my own personal experience parenting my deeply feeling kid before I had a sense that she was a deeply feeling kid, what my journey was like in the stages where I had no idea what was going on, when I felt completely in the dark, when I felt like something was wrong with my kid, something was wrong with me, everything that yes, ended up leading to this deeper understanding, this new approach, this whole deeply feeling kid program, and so

• 1:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  much more before, the kind of real, personal stuff. I asked you the specific questions you wanted answered, and boy, did you deliver. So I'm joined by Brooke on my team. She's been with me for a long time. She's a producer on this podcast, and she's going to ask me some of kind of the hardest, most personal questions. And I am really looking forward to sharing this part of my story with you. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

• 2:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list

• 2:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host. Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodot, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodot's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodot has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content.

• 3:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories with the "Make Your Own" cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind-down routine with Yodot's toothbrush timer, white noise, and nightlight. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure thanks to Yodot, mornings feel more manageable, homework time feels calmer, and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves, making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at Yodoplay.com. New customers only, ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Hi Becky.

• 4:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Hi Bec.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  I am so excited to be here today and do things a little bit different. Kind of pull back the curtain on your own experience parenting a deeply feeling kid. All that's come from it since. And before we dive in, for anyone who's newer or less familiar with the term deeply feeling kid, can you just give a quick recap? What is a deeply feeling kid?

• 4:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, I mean, this really, this term came up because like I had my first kid and I don't want to make it seem like it was all easy, like tantrums, the whole thing that happens with, you know, one year olds, two year olds, they want things, they melt down, all that was happening. But I felt pretty good about how I was showing up and how I'd hold boundaries and how I'd connect and validate while holding the boundary. And it's not like I did that and he ever said, "That was really helpful, thank you." Never. But all I can say is like the arc, the arc arced. Like it was like, okay, and then he did start to calm down and I sensed it was working. Not because he didn't have a tantrum and not because he calmed down right away. But I felt like I am giving you something you need right now and it will just take some time to fully show up. I knew that was happening. In my private practice, I was doing a lot of this work.

• 5:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I was coming up with new ideas at the time and parents like, "This is amazing. I'm trying this, you're right, it's so much better than timeouts and I'm not punishing, but behavior is changing faster." All the things. And then there were like the subset of parents, and it wasn't insignificant, who'd say something very different. It's making everything worse. Like it helps with one of my kids, not the other. And, and I have to be honest, like the back of my head, the first thought was like, "I think you're doing it wrong. Like you're just not doing as well as I would do it, but like let's roll with the punches." And you know me, like I love creating new ideas. So I loved the struggle of like, "Oh, that's not working. Let's try this, let's try this." Okay. Then I had my second kid. You know that moment when you like look back and you're like, "Wow, I really regret like a lot of my life."

• 6:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like I was like, "I want to go back." That was that moment. I was like, "I am doing all the things I did with my first. I am doing it the same way, the right way." And this child from the start, I mean, it was so clear so early, like, did not want to take in what I had to offer.

• 6:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then I started to think with this child like about all these sessions I was having. And then the craziest part where I was really connecting it is I had started to see a lot of like, I don't want to say the same type, everyone's different, but like these adults in my private practice who everything was different and unique and there were so many similar themes like, okay, these adults who like felt very empty inside and that's not what they said, but really were, you know, looking for relationships to be close with people, but then things got too close and they would push them away. And there was like, you know, almost this social paranoia, people are out to get me. And I was like, oh my goodness, those adults were these kids of the parents who were telling me this stuff isn't working. And now I have one of these kids.

• 7:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Oh my goodness. And like, it was a painful time, but I want to be honest, it was like a little bit of this like intellectually exciting time because I was like, I am seeing these puzzle pieces. And, and the thing I kept saying about my child is everyone had names. She's so dramatic, so difficult. She's so obstinate. She's so defiant, right? And I just kept, the word just came up. I was like, she is so deeply feeling. Because people would say, she freaks out about things other people don't freak out about. And, and that's maybe the LGI, least generous interpretation. I would say like, it's not to say I don't have moments of saying that to

• 7:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  other people. She freaks out about ridiculous things, of course. And then in my calm moments, I'd say like, okay, well, nobody comes into the world being like, I can't wait to screw over my parents, just going to give them a hard time. Like, if she freaks out about things other kids don't freak out about, and the freakouts are more intense and last longer, her bucket of like things that just feel like too much to manage in my body must fill up more quickly. Which means she does take more, like. These are kids who like, parents are not making it up. I'm gonna look at camera. You are not making it up. You are not crazy. I want to say that because I felt crazy for a time. Like, you are not making it up. You're not crazy. Your kid does take in more from the world. They feel things more intensely.

• 8:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Therefore, their kind of bucket fills up more quickly. Therefore, there's more pressure at terms of the explosiveness with which it comes out in a moment. When you're like, I think I just gave my kid a gift and that set off an explosion. I think I gave them the thing they wanted and the color they wanted, like WTF. And so they explode more easily, more often, more intensely. Hmm. They also, which is like just inconvenient duality. They also push away help when you, and they need help. You see them. These are not calm kids who are saying, I'd like a moment to myself. No, no, no. These are kids who are in an animal threat state. And you're like, I just know in my soul, even if they're saying, get away from me. My soul says like, yeah, you're not making good decisions.

• 9:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But everything you try to do from the goodness of your heart and even from the intellect of your brain, they like slam the door in your face. And so there's this conflict and this struggle. And so I'll pause now. I know you have other questions, but I would say that as an intro, that is a deeply feeling kid. Great. Okay. That's all we need to know. Move on. Yeah.

• 9:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty,

• 10:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host. Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content.

• 11:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories with the "make your own" cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind-down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and nightlight. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer, and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves, making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at yodoplay.com. New customers only. Ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  We hear so many terms: deeply feeling kids, highly sensitive kids, even oppositional or defiant kids. Are these just different labels for the same thing, or are there differences between them?

• 12:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, for me, when I struggle to ask a question, it's often, I'm like, I feel like there's a different, like, better, upgraded question.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Upgrade me?

• 12:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay. I don't know if this is right, actually, and so you can then interrupt me, but I'm just gonna say what's on my mind. I feel deeply conflicted about labels in general. Okay, that's not to say I don't believe in labels. That doesn't mean I don't believe in diagnosis. We like to hear people say one thing, and that's not what I'm saying. I say I feel deeply conflicted. Here's why. A label, a term, even a diagnosis, which deeply feeling kids is not a diagnosis, but anything that like says, oh, that's the term. Okay. On one hand, it can be deeply validating and helpful. Oh, this is a thing. Not making it up. Like, there are other people like my kid or like me, if there's a name for this. That is so beautiful and so helpful.

• 12:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And in some cases, in some cases, some of the time, it helps you get the type of support you need. Because when you have a term to describe these constellation of things, then you can communicate to other people. And if there are known ways that are helpful to that thing, there's a good match. Okay. So that's on one side. I believe everything I said. Here's another thing I believe. Terms, diagnoses, labels can be extremely unhelpful. Because they can box you in. Because they can make us all say things like, this thing won't work because my kid is Y. My kid is Y, so they can't do X.

• 13:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like, and now, all of a sudden, instead of a term being empowering and helpful, my kid is the term. It's like, it's like, there's no differentiation. That is all of them. It's no longer, this is what it is. It can no longer, instead of it being a really helpful lens to try to understand your kid, it becomes the truth of everything, which can make us limit the types of resources or the types of support that might be helpful. Okay. So all this to say, deeply feeling good, highly sensitive, all these terms. To me, what I would say to a parent is a term, a diagnosis, whatever is, it is as helpful as it allows you to enter into

• 14:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  a world of better understanding your kid. I tend to think that any term or understanding of something that makes us do this, and for people listening who can't see me, I'm like narrowing my range. I'm putting blinders on, okay?

• 14:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That is not as helpful as an understanding that makes us do this. And again, for anyone listening, widening my aperture. Okay. Widening my aperture is the equivalent of being curious. Oh, what might be going on? Oh, how might something need a tweak? Knowing what I know about my kid, not kind of adding rigidity and kind of pushing curiosity to the side. So what I would say to parents in terms of these kids, I do believe these kids need different things. Mostly, they need to be really, really understood.

• 15:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's amazing how often the best intervention we have is more deeply understanding our deeply feeling kids. People think, what do I do? What do I say? How do I do this situation? I promise you, as soon as you actually understand the situation with your kid, you won't even be saying what I'm doing because you have a type of relief and groundedness because the thing you were missing, it wasn't a strategy, it was understanding. So what I would say to parents, whatever term, whatever label allows you to enter into a world of more deeply understanding your kid is the thing you should take on. And there can also be multiplicity.

• 15:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like somehow, you know, my kid is X, they're what? Maybe they're both, maybe it's different parts, maybe you get something from both. People say to me all the time, you know, the deeply feeling kid, your stuff, your program, the ongoing stuff, it's changed my life, but I have to admit to you, there's a part of it that doesn't work. Admit, first of all, let's upgrade that word to share. I love it. There's something that can work amazing. Your kid is unique. You have a new set of glasses that brings you relief and understanding and groundedness. And through that new set of glasses, you are further empowering yourself to know your kid even better than someone else could. That is good insight at its best. So what I would say to a parent is like, the first question isn't, is it highly sensitive? Or deeply feeling kid or ADHD?

• 16:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And again, those things can be part of the process and can get you services or courses or evaluations or therapy, there's so many things. But I think the first question isn't which one? It's actually, how do I start to better understand my kid? And can a label be a part of that? And then, yes, let's go from there.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Okay. Take us back. Your DFK was your second kid. When did you first realize that your second kid was different from your first? What were the early signs or behaviors that caught your attention?

• 17:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I want to give you the first sign that at the time I recognized that the first sign. And now that I have such a better understanding of her, I'll actually tell you something that was so much earlier than that, that if I had the glasses on, I'd been like, here we go.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Buckle up.

• 17:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Buckle up. It's gonna be a different journey and it's gonna be a journey that teaches me so much more about myself, in a way, than my first kid did, in a way, okay. So, I would say the early signs at the time was kind of this zero, seemingly zero to 60, massive reactions to seemingly, at least in my mind, very small things. I'll give you a bunch of examples. Just literally the meltdowns and tantrums around age 18 months to three. I was just like, I remember being in the bathroom and I being like, what is wrong with my child? Like, actually, I'm gonna say that differently. Something is wrong with my child.

• 18:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I felt conviction in it, which was so terrifying to me. Like, when I, I know for me, I've learned this a lot about myself. When I have uncertainty, I go doomsday, but I also go conviction. Like, I'm like, but it's true. Like, I'm so convicted in my worst-case scenario. Something is wrong with my, like, something is wrong. And I think the flip side of something is wrong with me, it's just not maybe the voice we allow ourselves to hear as often. This was there for me too. Something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with my child and I'm like an unfit parent. Um, and so in a way, my earliest sign maybe was these like massive tantrums about tiny things like a bag of pretzels. I remember bringing as a snack and I'm like patting myself

• 18:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  in the back. I remember this like pickup at like one of the earliest school moments and I was like, I remember to snack today. Like, um,

• 19:08Speaker 01

  Come on, round of applause.

• 19:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Round of applause. Remember the snack, right? They're all hungry after school. Be like sticks, pretzel sticks, not the like pretzel, little pretzely shape that they usually do. Okay, brought the stick, opens the bag and I think there were like two that were broken.

• 19:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Uh, I can't even remember the rest of the day because let me just tell you, it was like I picked her up and stabbed her in the heart. The vitriol, the anger, the, the, the animalistic, that's like, for me, it was animalistic. It was like, like trying to like scratch me. It was like, I, I had like just attacked her like baby cub and she was like fighting back from that. It felt, felt existential. Meanwhile, going into that moment, I, I was like very proud of myself. So the gap between me feeling like I was doing a good job and then watching the impact of the outcome was

• 20:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  just so wide. And honestly, for me, Brooke, you know, like I have a decent tolerance for that gap. Like with my first kid, I knew like I'm doing the right thing. I'm setting a boundary. He's still gonna be upset. He's not gonna say thank you. I, I really felt like I actually had a decent tolerance for that gap. This gap was so wide, right? Just, the other very early sign was

• 20:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  surprises, happy surprises, not like, hey, I have a surprise for you. I'm gonna dump a bucket of ice water on your face.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  We're going to the doctor for a shot.

• 20:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, surprise. No, I remember taking a day off work in the morning to be the mystery reader in her class. They start the class, we have a mystery reader today. This person has blue as their favorite color and the kids might be like, oh, it's my parents, that my parent. Okay. And mystery reader was a thing. We talked about mystery reader. Okay.

• 21:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I never read, there was no reading of the book. There was no reading of the book. Okay. And again, the gap, like I took off my morning from work. I, you know, I had to reschedule all my patients. I picked out her favorite book. I showed up. I mean, again, it was like I did something to her.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? So different. I mean, forget the like, yay, mommy's here. No, no, I had to carry her out. I mean, it was like embarrassing. I was, I was angry at her. Like, why are you doing this to me? This is my good mom moment. I carved out time. I'm showing up for you. This is supposed to be a core memory and I'm carrying you out while you're scratching me. And while I feel like at the time, everyone's looking at me like, what the F is wrong?

• 21:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay. Now, the thing I just want to go back to early. This is a whole nother conversation, but breastfeeding, I had a whole struggle with and yada, yada, yada. We could save that for another moment. Anyway, that was so painful for me with her. It was like an even harder thing than with my son. We did a, you know, formula feeding, all the things. Fine. I swear to you. Okay. I don't know if I've ever told you this. The bottle feeding with this child, if I look back on it, it was the earliest moment. It's like, oh my goodness. Okay. Cause it's all about for these kids, control and being able to take in the good things a parent has to offer. They're so conflicted about this.

• 22:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  She would not take the bottle if she could see my face. Stop. I know. Do you understand how I, okay, this is how I would feed her. This is her. I'm not pretending to say it like this, leaning back, looking, stop. That's how I fed her. Okay. For anyone listening, like picture your baby's back on your chest, looking out with your arm wrapped around, just hoping they do not turn their face. No. And then get, get ready for this because this is, my husband and I would talk, this is everything. We were idiots not be like, okay. Okay. I remember a night, she was so conflicted. She lost weight. You know how they're like, babies will eat.

• 23:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But they, she lost weight. She refused to eat because it was hard to get in food and never.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  You're contorting your body.

• 23:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Literally. Okay. Remember this.

• 23:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Exhausted one of those days, I was just like last feeding, put her to bed, sit on the couch, watch a show with my husband. I go get in the bottle. And this is a moment as a parent, I got it in. It's like, she turns and sees me at the very end. She literally vomits the entire bottle.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Eye contact?

• 23:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  On to my face. Like, I, and if my husband is here, he would say, I think that was one of like Becky's lowest moments of motherhood. I, and, and it's like so beautifully disturbingly poetic. Like, you want to give me the thing. It feels too close. I have to feel like it's under my control and on my timeline to take in, to titrate all the conflictual feelings I have about being close to people. And as soon as I realize you might have done it to

• 24:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  me, and I did not have agency, I will take all of the things inside me and in the most violent, aggressive feeling ways, vomit it on to you. And when I think about the meltdowns and the way they feel and the animalistic and the scratching, like, it honestly, it is literally the same exact thing, but with emotions and not with formula. So I guess, right away, right away.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  My first sign.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  How did you manage to keep a loving bond and stay connected with her during this, during these early years when it was so hard?

• 25:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, I, I'm pausing just because there were periods when I, I didn't feel like I had that. Like, if I'm honest, like, again, maybe they have to shift the question to like, did you always feel this long, you know, this strong loving bond? And how did you manage the periods when you didn't? Maybe that's the more fair question.

• 25:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That night, I like descended into like this like pit. It, it, it literally felt like I am going to reject the good things you have to give me.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  And your love.

• 25:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My love, like, I think especially when you're early in your parenting journey, like your love and your support, all of it feels wrapped up in sleep and feeding, right? Like, and especially with feeding. It feels like your baby is saying to you, either you're doing a good job, we are connected, and I love you by taking in what you have to give, or you're not doing a good job, and I will not take in what you have to give. And it almost feels like they're saying, I'm not taking in what you have to give, because what, what you have is earmuffs, like shit, not taking that shit in. You are shit. Like, it feels like your baby's saying that to you, even though it feels crazy, because you're like, well, they're not saying they're a baby, but it, it feels like that. So how do you, how do you maintain a loving bond?

• 26:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think step one, when I remember those early years before I understood it, because again, I didn't even realize that was like part of this thing, is, this is not quite an answer to your question, but just going through my arc, was just like letting myself

• 26:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  feel confused and like feel down and feel rejected without layering on so many additional levels of like awfulness and blame and shame. Like, I articulated to you, I had some, but I, but I do remember, and, you know, I did, I think I was lucky, I had some people in my life who also didn't quite understand it, but would just say to me, like, there's nothing more powerful than saying, like, that makes sense, that makes sense, that sounds like an awful night. I think people are so afraid to say that to us, because they think it's going to spiral us deeper. When they say that to us, it's like they're handing us a container for the feeling, though it doesn't have to just continue into an abyss. They're like, here's a container, pour it into this glass, and then it like can hold.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Something I love that you say is, we can't change the hard, we can change the alone. That really reminds me of that.

• 27:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I, I think that that was probably step one, was just like the crying. But like, what the heck? I don't understand this. And like, different people in my life being like, yes, that is true right now. They're probably saying, but that is true right now. It's like the, the version of yet we all love. You don't understand it yet. That is true right now. How it feels today feels so true. And that's, I find the hardest part of parenting, but definitely early parenting, is that whatever's happening in the moment when it's hard, it feels like the truth forever. You feel like you're never going to get another chance. Like, that's how it's always going to be. If it didn't feel like that, it would inherently be culpable. Cause you're like, all right, it's a day. It just felt like the whole truth. Um, but I think between people, again, not leaving me alone and having like a little more hope.

• 28:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then I think I realized early on, like my, maybe this, this is going to be a journey. This is going to be a journey. Like, I don't understand this right now. Something is real. It reminds me of like, honestly, for these kids, sometimes just like, believing before you understand is the order of operations we need. We all think we need to understand something before we like, believe it or trust it. But I think like reversing that with these kids, like I trust there's something tricky here. I don't understand it yet. I will, for now, I just know this is like real. And it probably doesn't mean my kid is crazy. It doesn't mean I'm crazy. It doesn't mean my kid is broken. It doesn't mean I'm broken.

• 28:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The truth of it is like a little smaller, though like also painful, which is like, this is different. This is hard. My connection to this child is going to like, be a lot more roller coastery than maybe my other kid. And like, if that doesn't have to mean that I'm broken or my kid is broken, then maybe I can tolerate it, even if I grieve it a little bit. Right? Um, that makes it sound like very, um, wrapped up with a bow. It isn't. Um, but maybe in a way what I'm saying is like, allowing yourself to feel like this, this feels different. This isn't what I expected. This journey might look different.

• 29:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think I'm going to understand it more and more over time, is ironically the thing that helped me have like a stronger bond over time.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  I have to imagine that parenting a deeply feeling kid before you even had the words for deeply feeling kid had to take a toll on your partnership.

• 30:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  No, not at all. Next question.

• 30:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  No, no, not me. Um, yes. Is that, is that the question?

• 30:08Speaker 01

  That's a lot of question mark to the end of that.

• 30:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Partnership? Partnership.

• 30:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, you know, it's really interesting. I mean, my deeply feeling kid is now 10. A decade, right? It's actually so crazy that that feeding thing happened like a decade ago in my body. Like, I can, I literally know every single detail about that night. The feeling, where I was, like, everything that happened. Um, but it's been a decade and, and just, I don't want to say the end of the story because again, parenting is a journey, right? Um, but like, it's just amazing what, what a different place we're in, right? Um, and how it's led to this like whole movement, you know? And, and me feeling, I think, healed through talking about it and developing an approach that hasn't existed before and through doing that and putting that out there, having so many more people help me better understand and help me.

• 31:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's just been like a healing journey for me. So my partnership, you know, my husband and I were actually just talking about this the other night because there's something about age 10 that like, I think has made us reflect on like, oh, 10, you know?

• 31:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  He said something to me really interesting that I hadn't ever considered before because if he was in this room, what he would say to you, you know, my husband is, he would just say, like, oh, was I on board with the way Becky approached it? Like, no, every bone in my body, every time was like, this is insane. We have to punish her. She can't, she can't get away with this. Oh no, we're back here again. How are we letting her get away with this? Right?

• 31:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And we were talking about it. But you know what's interesting? I, I, it didn't take that much of a toll on our partnership. Okay? And it's, it's not because, it's because we have a perfect marriage. No. Okay? But I...

• 32:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I was so, after the hardest stages of like the first two years and I was kind of just like in this black hole, like when I started to be like, okay Becky, wait, like one of the things I do is understand things. One of the things I do is let myself not know. Like, I actually think one of the things that makes me, like, if I'm gonna say like a good therapist, is I am actually very comfortable hearing something from someone and being like, I have no idea what this is about. And then just like, because I'm allowing myself not to know, I can just like pull threads and be like, I think that's important. I mean, we're, okay. And then like, and I still don't know, but I, I just feel like the, right? A detective, almost. Yeah. Like, so I was like, I'm gonna, I can use that, like, right? And so, I really did it. And, and I knew, the thing for her that was so big was shame. Like, shame makes

• 32:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  our vulnerable feelings explosive. These kids almost have shame. She couldn't take in my help from the start. It's like she was born with shame or something. I don't know, right? So, what happened in my partnership, is she'd have these moments, and my, my husband would, he would, in the moment, this is, he would lose it, right? Like, you can't talk to me that way. And, and I would do the thing, you know, that like we always do in those hard moments, the containment, I would, and I would do it with conviction. Cause I was just like, I'm doing it. And I was talking about this with him last night, cause he'd, in those same moments, just start like yelling out punishments, I don't know, something. And I would just take the lead and do it. What he said to me the other,

• 33:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  the other night, is he's like, you know, you never came to me and like tried to convince me so much, that like I had to do the thing you were doing. Interesting. Like, it never was even like, like, it wasn't like, you talked to me about how you thought about it, you talked to me how you understood it, you took the lead in those hard moments. But I'd just been thinking about this a lot, because I hear from all the time, from people all the time, how do you get your partner on board? So I, I asked him, like, how did I get you on board? You know what he said to me? I'm not on board now. That's what he said. It was, get me, I'm not on board. What do you mean? I was like, oh, you're not, you know? And he's like, no. You know, fully, I'm not on board. He's like, you know, and we talked about how his childhood, I have punishment

• 34:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  in my bones. Like, are you serious? I would never have been allowed to do this. Like, all the things that everyone says. He's like, you just kind of, in the moment, like, you just ignored me. But like, not in a mean way. And then when you do the thing with her, it also gave me time to like...

• 34:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And he's like, I don't know. And this is what I'm really curious from parents. I hope they reach out to us after or comment. He's like, whenever I got calm after the moment had passed, where she'd had this huge thing, in my calm, wise moment, I never said to you, we have to punish the crap out of her. We have to take away her iPad. He's like, also, there were all these glimmers of moments where like, I'd see her in this animalistic state, and then you do this thing. And the way it always ended was her like, so vulnerable, crying, almost like this little puppy in your, in your lap. And I'd be like, oh, that's interesting.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Something you say that I love is my kids get Becky, not Dr. Becky. Can you please tell us about a mistake you've made along the way?

• 35:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Um, you know, I think my answer to this question is, I think my, my best ideas that I have, either come from learnings of working with families, so many learnings of working with adults and figuring out their arc and what happened. And, and reflecting on, like, the things I like, oh my goodness, wish I could go back and do differently. Right? So anytime anyone hears me talking about something and they think like, oh, that Dr. Becky sounds so smart. I, I hope they say after, she must have really messed that up. The smarter the idea, the bigger the mess up. She must have had it. Okay. So I have a million moments where like, I yell instead of this, but, but I feel like I'm, like, willing to

• 35:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  share something that's bigger than that. I, I actually think it's, my husband and I were talking about this, you know, the other day too. Like, I think it's honestly, like, the, the thing I feel the most awful about in my, in my parenting journey, not just, you know, for my, my DFK. So, so when I had my third, I feel like when I had my third kid, we say like, I feel like I like, lost my first kid for the first three months. Like, there was a version of him that came out from the destabilization, that like, I remember, me and my husband being like, have, have we lost? Like, have we lost him? It really felt like that. And then he came back, not like, perfect, but then we're like, okay, three months. Soon as we felt better, it was nuts. Literally, my DFK was like.

• 36:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'll take it from here. That's what happens with siblings. Yeah. There's only a certain amount of like chaos and struggle that a system can handle. And so for parents, it does seem like my kids switch off. Or now it's because like the system is more powerful than the individuals. And it is true. We feed off what is available in our system and what is there space for now? Which doesn't mean kids take advantage of it. It's actually like a more hopeful way of like, now there's enough space for me to express something. So I can have my parent help me work through it. And for her, it came out in sleep. She would not go to sleep, going to sleep in the middle of the night. Like, and I know there's a lot of us who've been through. And I went through sleep stages with my oldest too, and my youngest, now that he's older.

• 37:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This was, this was just like, it was horrible. I mean, the screaming, the refusal, how long it took to go to bed? How long she screamed in the middle of the night? Okay. I didn't let her come into our room. You know, we went to her room, you know, we did this and you know, your bed is more comfortable and this. And you know, sit in her room. But I know she just, she really needed, I think, for a period of time to like have a mattress in our bed and just have the, in our room and just like have the option of coming in. And my fear, my, I don't know, it just got in the way.

• 38:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I also, what's also true is that period did not define my relationship with my daughter.

• 38:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 39:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 39:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 40:30Speaker 01

  Were you nervous that your third child would be a deeply feeling kid?

• 40:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, I actually wasn't. I mean, if I'm honest, I didn't think about it, right? And I know I wasn't worried, because if I was worried, I would have thought about it, I would have ruminated about it, you know? But I wasn't worried. And I think part of it is, I don't feel like being a deeply feeling kid is a problem. I don't really feel like it's a problem to fix, or like a defect to avoid. And I do feel like, once you understand these kids, which, then you have moments when you don't understand, you forget it. You come back, it's like any language. You learn it, you feel competent. You go back to your language of origin when you're stressed. You learn more and you keep going. Like, I had a really developing sense of competence as a parent.

• 41:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think because I had a deeply feeling kid, because I started to have moments of like, I know exactly how to handle this. It doesn't mean it's pretty. It definitely doesn't mean it's convenient, but I knew what to do. And it was like a pilot, kind of, I was getting my wings.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Can you share an early win that you had with her? A time that helped you see kind of the light that things were gonna be okay?

• 41:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. So, I mean, there's so many different ones. And a lot of them, I think I'm gonna say, and someone's like, I think she misheard the question. It doesn't really sound like a win. But I think it's important. These were my wins, because this is what the early wins look like. So I remember, I think my daughter was, I didn't have a third, yes, she must have been two. I would say two, something like that. And she was in her brother's room. It was like five, and her brother had a friend over, and they were all playing. This already, like, I can't explain it, when that stuff happening, like, I'm a little, like, on edge. I was like, somebody's gonna, this is, like, gonna end well. Because I know for her, she so wanted to be included. And she's so sensitive to rejection. Like, in that dynamic, I want to be here, and please don't kick me out. And I want to be included.

• 42:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And, you know, I'm gonna double down on control when things feel bad, which makes someone hard to, the whole thing. It's going well. And I hear a little something, and my son comes out to me. And just goes, Mom, I asked her if we could have some alone time. I really want some alone time with my friend. Like, could you help me? Like, she won't leave the room. And I can stay in my house. I'm like, I think that's really okay. Number one, I think when you have a playdate, it's generous to allow your siblings to play. If you don't force it, they generally will. And I totally respect also at times, you're like, I want to have my friend. Totally get that. I also think it is not his job to keep her calm. So even if part of me is like, oh, please, just like, let her stay. I don't want to deal with this. I'm not trying to say I'm above that here and there. Definitely had those moments. But as a general pattern, that is definitely not his job. That is a

• 43:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  very unhealthy thing for a kid to feel like, right, they have to take that on. It's kind of asking him to do my job for me. So I was like, all right, here we go. Now, I just think about my third kid in the room. I'd be like, hey, sweetie, you know, this going on, wants to play. And I think he'd like put up a little like, no, it's not fair. And I'd be like, come on, you know what? Like, let's do this thing together. I'll and he'd be like, okay, or, you know, he'd like, maybe have a little meltdown. I'd pick him up and it'd be fine. I knew. I feel like if I was texting with someone, I would have been like, hold on, I'll be back in 75 minutes. That's what I probably would have said. Like, this is a new situation. Okay, so I go in, I start, and I say, hey, I kind of start calm. And I know I don't want to leave. It's been so fun. That's it. Because then it's like the spotlight's on her.

• 43:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, so here's, do you want to know my win? So the win was the arc, not just a moment. We cheapen ourselves. And we're like, the win is my kid doing the thing they want. It's like a speck of time. So I did the DFK thing. I did this whole swoop in, you know, I was sturdy. I was confident. She felt my conviction, even if a part of me was like, I don't know. I brought her to her room. I sat with her in her room. Or any of the whole containment situation, which was not pretty at first. I mean, the scratching, the hissing, I hate you, that you're the worst, the being in there, like, I can't even describe what that room was like in the beginning. And I was just saying to myself, like, she needs my help. I know it. I need to prove to her. I am

• 44:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  less afraid of her feelings than she is. That will not pay dividends immediately. But I am in this for the long game. I want her to be a functioning 15 year old, 28 year old, 40 year old. It's gonna take time to get there. But like, this is, you know, I'm long term greedy here. I knew it. Because I started to really understand these and like, these kids in deep psychological way. And I'll never forget, this was one of the first times I really did this containment thing when it was like so big. And it was so, just the stuff there, I had to like, you know, move the books that shit that was being thrown. It was just a whole situation. A lot of work. So much work. So exhausting. So much work inside myself to like, stay calm and trust

• 45:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  that it would happen ending. Because it feels like this is gonna go on forever. But I also know if they feel that from you, then they feel your fear is gonna go on forever. Ironically, it does go on for longer. It's just like so complex. They feel everything. Anyway. And then how it ended, where she like literally crawled over to me and did she curled up in my lap, like not the way my other kids do after, which is more of a like embodied hug. Like there was still enough shame. She couldn't see me, but like it was, it was so young and it sounds funny because you're like, she was young, she was two, but it was like, it was like

• 46:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  almost like a fetal position and like allowing herself and I just like, I like remember like from her hair to her back. I was just kind of like rubbing it. I don't, I don't even think I was saying anything. Words, as we know, can be so incendiary and, and I softened and she softened. And I, I just like knew, I was like, that mattered. That mattered. And I trust that feeling that it mattered. And I think parents who do this, they tell me like, they get this feeling too. It's not just like me. It's not like I'm so confident. Like it's like this deep bodily internal awareness

• 46:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  of something important. And it's enough to sustain the very, very bumpy road. That's it.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  It's great. It's a win that might not look like a win to others, but like you're saying, you feel it. Give us an update. How is your deeply feeling kid doing now?

• 47:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I, I mean, she's the best. Like she, and that doesn't mean she's like better than my other kids. Like she is, she, there are just so many examples. I can just list a few where like my husband and I look at each other and we're like, oh my goodness. Like we know that would not have just happened. Like it's not like that just unfolded. That is like so much of what she's been working on, we've been working on, we've been learning, we've been understanding like, and it comes out. So like she is also like, she is so ebullient now. Like her ability to like be excited for things, be happy about things. She is hysterical. I'm convinced that any like situational comic, like a Jerry Seinfeld, I don't know, but at all. Like these people who like, they were deeply feeling kids because they notice everything. They notice everything and the ones who make us say like, oh my God, that's so true.

• 47:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  They're the people who are hyper noticers. Like I say to her, she's a super censor. And she is harnessing her ability to do accents, her ability to make this quick witted joke in the exact right moment that referenced something else that happened. She, it is amazing. It is like so amazing socially. So this other thing happened where like again, and just generally, she can now be embarrassed in front of friends and she doesn't blame people. She doesn't freak out. She can laugh it off. She was reading something aloud in front of our family and she messed up a word. I mean, that literally, I would have lost the entire week with my family after that almost. Okay. No, she's like, oh, is that what I said? No, it's this and moved on. Like I feel like my husband and I, like, I remember that moment. She was like seven. We're like, that was seven years of working toward that. Like, oh my goodness, right? And then this just happened the other day.

• 48:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So my three kids were playing with this like unhealiumed balloon in my house, like kind of the bluey like keepy up a giga game. They made up this, it's like such an amazing, I was like, this is not always in my house. It was like this beautiful non-screen connected sibling thing. Okay. And it was like they're keeping it up and like something about whoever gets, misses it, they're out. And they said she was out and she was the first one out. Again, I just can't even tell you. And if I saw it, the shame sensitivity, the rage toward me, it could have been anything. You made that happen. Everyone in this family hates me. You wish I wasn't even in this family. And we're like, what? Right? And then containment and this whole thing. She saw me and I brace myself still. She ran over to me and she almost like moved my body,

• 49:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  not like pushed her, she moved my body into the corner. So like the brothers couldn't see.

• 49:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And she literally gave me a hug and this is what she said. They called me a crash out. Do you know that term?

• 49:30Speaker 01

  No.

• 49:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay. So this is, you don't have a teenager. So like someone who. I don't know. They're an athlete. And like, at the end of the game, like, their team ends up losing. And you just see them, they're fouling everywhere. And or they're complaining at the ref, like, oh, that dude crashed out. You know, oh, she's crashing out right now. You know, like, you're kind of being a poor spore. And like, you know, she's a crash out. He's a crash out. Stop being a crash out. Okay. And to be fair, she was like, putting up a fight. I don't need a crash out. This is like, all the situations. I lose first, I'm out. My sensitivity to rejection, to feeling like not enough. It's them against me, which I already feel because I'm the only girl. And they're brothers and they have a different connection. It's public. Other people are there. I'm putting a label on it. I'm not even just saying, it's like, I'm calling you something.

• 50:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The fact that, number one, she came to me. She sought me out for comfort. She knew I don't want this to be public. But instead of that being the shame, she literally initiated it being private. And she used words and said, they called me a crash out. When she was crying, like, to me, like, and just, I didn't even say much. I just hugged her. We got through it. She said, can we go do art instead? I was like, you better bet. I was about to, like, give you anything you wanted. Like, I'll do art with you. Sure. Paint the walls. Literally, I was just like,

• 50:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think anybody, you, you know, these kids, anybody who's listening, who's not there, I think knows, like, the multitude of things that that moment symbolizes.

• 51:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And like, to some degree, if that resonates, like, I hope there's like a side by side hope of like, oh, like, this can be, like, that can happen.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Fast forward, and you have now created an entire approach to raising deeply feeling kids. You've created multiple workshops, dedicated a chapter of your book to deeply feeling kids, and trained other parent coaches in this method so they can help people inside the Good Inside community. Does your daughter know she's kind of a big deal?

• 51:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So this in some ways is like this other win. She knows the term, of course. And like what she says to me all the time. She goes, you know, I started good inside. Like she literally said to me today in such a way. You would be nothing without me. It's like so quiet. You'd be nothing without me. I started this company. And she says, like, I'm the OG. I'm the OG DFK. And I'm just like, you are. And I tell her, like, I have learned, not just so much, I think, about development and kids. Like, I really, I've learned so much about myself. Maybe I wasn't a deeply feeling kid. But of course, I have moments where I have shame.

• 52:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I have moments where I look to blame instead of own my own feelings. I have moments when I'm trying to titrate, like, how close do I want to be to someone? How much do I risk to feel close to them? What if I'm rejected? How do I? We all have those themes. Like, I, I really believe I've grown so much because of my, because of my deeply feeling kid. Does she know she's a big deal?

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Yes, as she should.

• 52:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  As she should. Well, she's so lucky to have you, really.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Thanks, Becky.

• 52:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I want to end this episode with a deep, deep thank you.

• 52:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This community is amazing. You show up for me every time. You are honest. You give me these raw, real truths from your home, from your heart, from your head. And I really mean this. That is what makes me feel safe enough to share the same with you. This is something very, very special. And I just want you to know that I am so grateful to just be in this really messy parenting journey with you.

• 53:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The other thing I just want to add is if this resonated with you, if you're looking for some support with your deeply feeling kid, or feel like you might have a deeply feeling kid, we're here for you.

• 53:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Until next time.

• 53:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing.

• 54:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky.

• 54:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/Becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky. You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes it so much easier to go back to work or travel, or yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted,

• 55:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help or just part-time help with morning drop-off or after-school care, Care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours and could even get a discount on daycare tuition as a Care.com member. If you need more support, Care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com membership.

• 56:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  When it's not you, it's care.com.