Pod Insights Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell About this episode On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Jordan recalls a Limerick contest he entered as a young man before Conan buys a special product off of Jordan during Show and Tell.
Transcript 10,270 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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1:22 Speaker 01 A Monday warrior mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.
1:31 Conan O'Brien? Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan Show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with... well, there's no other better way to say it. My nemesis, my foe, someone who, over the years, has irritated me to an incredible degree, Mr. Jordan Schlansky.
1:54 Speaker 02 Hi.
1:56 Conan O'Brien? Did you... is your microphone on?
1:58 Speaker 02 I'm not qualified to answer that question.
2:00 Speaker 03 It's not on.
2:00 Conan O'Brien? It's not on. It's so funny. I just thought, wow, he really has no personality. I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again. Say hi.
2:08 Speaker 02 Hi.
2:08 Conan O'Brien? You gotta leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you, and I prefer it the other way.
2:13 Speaker 02 Okay.
2:15 Conan O'Brien? Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics.
2:19 Speaker 03 I'm not sorry.
2:23 Conan O'Brien? We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out, navigate these waters, and maybe intervene if a fistfight should break out.
2:30 Speaker 02 That's right.
2:32 Conan O'Brien? You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together?
2:35 Speaker 02 Approximately thirty.
2:36 Conan O'Brien? Approximately thirty years. You came to work for me as a very young man and frittered your life away.
2:42 Speaker 02 Sure.
2:43 Conan O'Brien? You have bilked me an incredible amount of money. I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old Late Night Show, or now.
2:53 Speaker 02 Did you say I've built you money, or I've milked you?
2:56 Conan O'Brien? Bilked. Bilked. B I Lked. Bilked. B I L K E D. As in Sergeant Bilko, as in bilked him. I took him for a ride. I squeezed him for cash.
3:08 Speaker 02 So bilked is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money. I didn't build, I didn't help you build an empire.
3:14 Conan O'Brien? No one said you'd built anything.
3:16 Speaker 02 You know how like the second employee of Apple in 1976 is a multi-billionaire? Because they got in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future. They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows, but they took the one that was on thirteen week renewals. Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the tech, the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires. Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days. There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough, and I expect at this point, thirty years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash.
3:50 Conan O'Brien? Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there maybe I can turn him down a bit?
3:57 Speaker 03 The other one, on your, on your left thigh.
4:00 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, it's just, it's awful.
4:02 Speaker 02 Well, I mean, you had another guest in here at the same volume. What was the problem there?
4:06 Conan O'Brien? That was someone I respected. That was Tracee Ellis Ross. She's fantastic.
4:10 Speaker 03 Your other thigh.
4:10 Conan O'Brien? Why is the button? Why is this goddamn, oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great.
4:15 Speaker 03 Said your left thigh.
4:16 Conan O'Brien? Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the, the switch?
4:20 Speaker 02 You know, speaking of Tracee Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes it's actually- Soap, that is to say a saponified fat. But often it's a detergent which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin naturally. The problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin.
4:43 Conan O'Brien? Mm hmm. Well, listen, um, you are referencing a podcast interview.
4:48 Speaker 02 You referenced it. I supported your train of thought.
4:51 Conan O'Brien? All I mentioned was Tracey Ellis Ross was the previous person here.
4:53 Speaker 02 All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracey Ellis Ross interview.
4:56 Conan O'Brien? Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats. Jordan, let's stick to the basics. Okay, you've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid.
5:19 Conan O'Brien? Your salary.
5:20 Speaker 02 I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin.
5:28 Conan O'Brien? So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. 30 years ago should be a billionaire now.
5:38 Speaker 02 I'm saying Steve Jobs secretary can buy this entire complex.
5:41 Conan O'Brien? Well, I prefer the term, I prefer the term assistant.
5:44 Speaker 02 Yes.
5:44 Conan O'Brien? Do you say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts?
5:48 Speaker 02 At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary. Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my.
5:57 Conan O'Brien? Well, guess what? This is your big reward.
5:59 Speaker 02 Yes.
6:00 Conan O'Brien? Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever 1995, 96. I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up, shut up, kind of like a Trumpy voice, shut up.
6:20 Conan O'Brien? You're fired. You know, that kind of Trump thing. You're fired. Right? Right? Isn't that a funny impression?
6:28 Conan O'Brien? I'm just saying that you're sitting here now.
6:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:30 Conan O'Brien? You are one half of a show that's on SXM and you should be grateful for that.
6:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, I am.
6:38 Conan O'Brien? Do you see other interns that you started with? The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You're here with your own show on the Sirius XM dial.
6:47 Speaker 02 Okay.
6:47 Conan O'Brien? Okay?
6:48 Speaker 02 Yes.
6:48 Conan O'Brien? So just settle down.
6:49 Speaker 02 Sure.
6:50 Conan O'Brien? Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting.
6:53 Speaker 02 Okay.
6:54 Conan O'Brien? You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan Show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening. Cause this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest.
7:09 Speaker 02 That's true.
7:10 Conan O'Brien? Where you write a limerick.
7:12 Speaker 02 I wrote a limerick.
7:13 Conan O'Brien? You're saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense.
7:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:18 Conan O'Brien? Talking about what you did do and.
7:20 Speaker 02 If I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context, I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the nineties.
7:28 Conan O'Brien? I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's not, that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest and at that time you wrote a limerick.
7:40 Speaker 02 I did.
7:40 Conan O'Brien? As part of the contest. You liked your limerick and I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us?
7:45 Speaker 02 Oh, yes. Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific.
7:49 Conan O'Brien? No need, no need. You can just say it.
7:53 Speaker 02 Across Ior, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout.
8:04 Conan O'Brien? That's fantastic. I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good, you entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize?
8:10 Speaker 02 Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland.
8:16 Conan O'Brien? It was, it was actually.
8:17 Speaker 02 A pub.
8:18 Conan O'Brien? A pub.
8:18 Speaker 02 A pub in Ireland.
8:19 Conan O'Brien? You get to own a pub.
8:21 Speaker 02 Even better.
8:22 Conan O'Brien? And I can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. It'd be fantastic. It'd be a dream. That's like having a, you know, an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win. Is that correct?
8:42 Speaker 02 I was never notified about any development, one way or the other.
8:45 Conan O'Brien? Well, I have the information here.
8:46 Speaker 02 Okay.
8:48 Conan O'Brien? And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered?
8:52 Speaker 02 Somewhere around there.
8:53 Conan O'Brien? Guinness Essay Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington.
9:01 Speaker 02 Of course. I think near the San Juan Islands.
9:03 Conan O'Brien? Near the San Juan Islands, of which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride.
9:08 Speaker 02 A great wine in Washington State, by the way.
9:10 Conan O'Brien? Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator. She won. She she entered the contest and she won the Shona Key Pub in County Clare. She won a pub.
9:23 Speaker 02 Oh, well, there's a picture of someone.
9:25 Conan O'Brien? There she is. She won the contest that you failed to win.
9:31 Conan O'Brien? And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest. And she won.
9:37 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:38 Speaker 04 By the way, you didn't need to to write a limerick. The the contest was actually 50 words or less.
9:46 Speaker 02 I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless.
9:50 Speaker 04 This is the same year, 1996.
9:52 Speaker 02 I believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick. There was definitely a limerick involved.
9:56 Speaker 04 Well, you chose to write a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness and they informed me that it was.
10:01 Conan O'Brien? It was your choice to do a limerick and that and a limerick was not required.
10:04 Speaker 02 Listen to me. There's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure they're a bunch of 30-somethings. And they get wind of this and they talk to each other. Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here. He was back here in the 90s. And they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they ask Ron, was there a thing? And he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay. And they look up the essay and maybe the. Essay was ninety six and mine was ninety five.
10:29 Speaker 04 Jordan, you, you don't.
10:30 Speaker 02 I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't want to be confined to very few words.
10:35 Speaker 04 You're not remembering correctly, which is probably a problem that you have in general.
10:39 Speaker 02 There was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick.
10:41 Speaker 04 Frank, Frank.
10:42 Speaker 02 Do I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick?
10:44 Conan O'Brien? Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things and, and it's all encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this.
10:50 Speaker 02 Yes, I spoke to Guinness.
10:52 Conan O'Brien? And they said that the, the, the contest that Jordan entered, uh, it did not have to be a limerick.
10:58 Speaker 04 No, fifty words or less. Guinness is.
11:01 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, Guinness is, and you decided to write a limerick.
11:04 Speaker 02 My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is. I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing. They went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize. Nevertheless, it's the same, it's the same intent. You write, you use your creative literary skills to flood.
11:18 Conan O'Brien? You're yelling, you're yelling, you're yelling. And I want you to take it down a bit.
11:22 Speaker 02 I'm just saying, I was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots.
11:25 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
11:26 Speaker 02 We are counterparts, maybe one year apart.
11:28 Conan O'Brien? Okay. Uh, anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're gonna rescind this once they hear your insane rant. But Guinness did respond to your limerick.
11:39 Speaker 02 Okay.
11:40 Conan O'Brien? They got back to us with their own limerick.
11:42 Speaker 02 Oh.
11:43 Conan O'Brien? And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious. Still upset he didn't win with thirty years in the bin, Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness. And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy and. So Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is nice. And I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do? It's important. Um.
12:13 Speaker 04 I set this up, so.
12:14 Conan O'Brien? You did, yeah. Uh, this is very nice.
12:16 Speaker 04 By the way, your, your thirty year grudge.
12:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:18 Speaker 04 Has, uh, actually.
12:20 Conan O'Brien? You're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class and you're doing that all wrong. It's making me insane. Anyway, anyway, that's okay. That's all right. I don't have a glass because you only look after number one. Well, you have a glass. You just didn't want to share it with me. That's great. Um, when I said that was all sarcastic. I don't really think it's right.
12:36 Speaker 02 You know, uh, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it. There are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way. And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself.
12:54 Conan O'Brien? Well, I'm not gonna touch that line with a 30-foot pole.
12:57 Speaker 02 I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose.
13:03 Conan O'Brien? Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on the, on any Guinness glass. And you imagine on the first pour, uh, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass and you go up to the harp. And then you wait for the head to settle. Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience. But then you finish it up, and I'll do that in just a minute. Um, Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice.
13:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:27 Conan O'Brien? And I think they just, if I'm not wrong, Guinness, we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes. And we were each paid one can of Guinness. Uh, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.
13:44 Speaker 02 So I'm not getting a, I'm not getting a trip to Ireland.
13:46 Speaker 04 How do you know I haven't been paid off?
13:49 Conan O'Brien? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time. Cause there's gonna be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galili on the coast of Golly Bellali. So, uh, I wouldn't put anything past him.
14:02 Speaker 02 Right.
14:03 Conan O'Brien? Mmm.
14:04 Speaker 02 Nice.
14:05 Conan O'Brien? Creamy. Oh my God. Uh, so.
14:08 Speaker 04 How come you're not drinking any Guinness?
14:10 Speaker 02 I told you, I don't drink beer. And, and frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment.
14:13 Conan O'Brien? I see now why you lost the contest. As a beer hater. Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness, known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky.
14:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:25 Conan O'Brien? Um, I once tasted something I hated, and then I knew I was faded. And then there's rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland. I just certainly did not get a pub in Ireland. I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink. And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return. I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this.
15:10 Conan O'Brien? Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a pub in Ireland. That's so cool. Sounds a little bit like a headache, though. Not at all. No, no, no. There's no, never any problems in an Irish pub. All right.
15:31 Conan O'Brien? We're gonna take a little break. Okay. We'll come back with more of the Conan and Jordan Show. And we're gonna have show and tell. We're gonna have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting. Show and tell. Okay.
15:56 Conan O'Brien? This fall, I want to try something different.
15:58 Conan O'Brien? What?
15:58 Conan O'Brien? I like to change it up. I like to learn things. So I'm gonna try and make apple cider.
16:02 Conan O'Brien? Oh.
16:02 Conan O'Brien? Every morning.
16:03 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
16:03 Conan O'Brien? This fall, just to see if I can do it.
16:05 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
16:06 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.
16:10 Conan O'Brien? Oh, that's good.
16:11 Conan O'Brien? See what I did?
16:11 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
16:12 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?
16:15 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
16:16 Conan O'Brien? They're America's best network.
16:17 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
16:18 Conan O'Brien? True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.
16:25 Conan O'Brien? Oh, that's weird.
16:25 Conan O'Brien? When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the
16:34 Conan O'Brien? You travel a lot.
16:35 Conan O'Brien? Travel show that I do.
16:36 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
16:37 Conan O'Brien? Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
16:47 Conan O'Brien? That doesn't seem like a good idea.
16:48 Conan O'Brien? It's a great idea.
16:49 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
16:50 Conan O'Brien? You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?
16:55 Conan O'Brien? My god.
16:56 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. No, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.
16:59 Conan O'Brien? I agree.
17:00 Conan O'Brien? T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best. Based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data. First half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US. Where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.
17:24 Conan O'Brien? Oh.
17:28 Conan O'Brien? So now, what are some of the things in life that really get you down?
17:30 Conan O'Brien? Uh, driving?
17:31 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
17:32 Conan O'Brien? That's the first thing that popped in my head.
17:34 Conan O'Brien? No, but I've seen you drive and it's true. I'm always picking mailboxes out of your grill.
17:39 Conan O'Brien? You're a creative driver. Uh, look, let's face it. Just living on Earth can be a lot, right?
17:44 Conan O'Brien? It can.
17:45 Conan O'Brien? I mean, oy vey, it's a lot.
17:46 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
17:47 Conan O'Brien? There's gravity, there's mosquitoes, there's this... You know that they say the sun is going to, at some point, go supernova? And incinerate the Earth, probably in five billion years.
17:55 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
17:56 Conan O'Brien? But watch your diet, we might be sticking around for that.
17:59 Conan O'Brien? Oh, man.
17:59 Conan O'Brien? So cosmically speaking, you've earned a break.
18:01 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:01 Conan O'Brien? And you know where this is going? I think you do.
18:03 Conan O'Brien? No.
18:04 Conan O'Brien? Pluto TV.
18:04 Conan O'Brien? Oh, right, of course.
18:06 Conan O'Brien? To escape all of these hassles in life, you gotta get Pluto TV. Turn off all your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. You've seen them, but you want to see them again. They're old friends.
18:16 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:17 Conan O'Brien? Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Dirty Dancing, Alias, X-Files. Pluto TV is completely free.
18:23 Conan O'Brien? Ooh.
18:23 Conan O'Brien? These streamers, all these things cost so much money these days. And I won't mention that when I do an ad for them, but...
18:30 Conan O'Brien? No subscription, no fees, zero dollars. And as any mathematician will tell you, zero is one of the most profound numbers ever conceived. I was thinking about that this morning.
18:38 Conan O'Brien? Wow, that's profound.
18:39 Conan O'Brien? I really wasn't. The best thing on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.
18:49 Conan O'Brien? So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.
18:54 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:55 Conan O'Brien? And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.
19:03 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
19:04 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about it?
19:15 Conan O'Brien? Because it's family.
19:16 Conan O'Brien? But what about a niece or a nephew?
19:17 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
19:20 Conan O'Brien? Like a walk with an ex-wife?
19:23 Conan O'Brien? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.
19:26 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
19:27 Conan O'Brien? Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.
19:54 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.
19:57 Conan O'Brien? Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
20:20 Conan O'Brien? Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here, this is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you, you've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you.
20:32 Speaker 02 That's correct.
20:33 Conan O'Brien? And you want to show it to us?
20:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that, that I identify with or that I believe in. Now, I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally, but the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them, and then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer. Now, life used to be simple 25 years ago. Okay, if you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States, you may have bought the Panasonic ER 409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago.
21:07 Conan O'Brien? So this, let me explain to the viewer, you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator.
21:12 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:12 Conan O'Brien? Um, and it's a Panasonic.
21:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:15 Conan O'Brien? And, uh, this is from the 90s, 2000s?
21:18 Speaker 02 Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then, or if I just became aware of it then. But this is a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan. Of course Panasonic's headquarters.
21:33 Conan O'Brien? Mm-hmm.
21:34 Speaker 02 I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to. I simply trimmed my nose hair with that, and you can trim ear hair as well if you choose. Um, and that was the end of it.
21:43 Conan O'Brien? Right.
21:43 Speaker 02 The, uh, it was a successful operation.
21:45 Conan O'Brien? Yes.
21:46 Speaker 02 And then the-
21:46 Conan O'Brien? The operation was a success.
21:48 Speaker 02 The operation was a success. And then this product, uh, was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed, uh, due to its age. Nevertheless-
21:57 Conan O'Brien? If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.
22:04 Conan O'Brien? Took out a tiny little gun and shot its brains out.
22:13 Conan O'Brien? Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point?
22:21 Conan O'Brien? I'm sorry.
22:21 Speaker 02 So, uh, I want you to replace it.
22:27 Conan O'Brien? I can't. I can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns.
22:34 Conan O'Brien? And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a a tiny little shot. You go in and, oh, my hair dryer's dead.
22:45 Conan O'Brien? Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce, pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.
22:57 Conan O'Brien? Oh my god, my stomach hurts, my chest hurts. My whole body falling apart. I'm sorry.
23:04 Speaker 02 I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting. This, uh...
23:22 Conan O'Brien? What? What are you talking about?
23:23 Speaker 02 This is oversized, it's light and plastic, it looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism I actually replaced, this had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part. I replaced it.
23:32 Conan O'Brien? Wait a minute! You bought... How much did that cost?
23:35 Speaker 02 I don't know, fifteen dollars.
23:36 Conan O'Brien? Okay, you buy a fifteen dollar, uh, nose trimmer?
23:40 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:40 Conan O'Brien? And then you went to the trouble?
23:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:42 Conan O'Brien? To replace the blade?
23:44 Speaker 02 Yeah. This was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. Uh, it, it looks like a rocket ship, it draws unnecessary attention to itself, it's a bright silver color. Um, this was what you would get as an American, uh, after the glory days of nose hair trimmers.
24:05 Conan O'Brien? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. This one, it looked like this-
24:09 Speaker 02 That's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects.
24:11 Conan O'Brien? Silver and one is gray.
24:13 Speaker 02 We, we define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure. And it's not only putting on beautiful clothes, it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also, uh, understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well-made product. I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product.
24:38 Conan O'Brien? And when did this one commit suicide?
24:42 Conan O'Brien? You found this guy hanging.
24:49 Speaker 02 So then I visited the country of Japan.
24:52 Conan O'Brien? Uh huh.
24:53 Speaker 02 And I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese clientele.
24:59 Conan O'Brien? Oh, so they sell us the inferior one.
25:02 Speaker 02 The ER GN 10, and look how sleek and stylish this product is. This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced. It's reminiscent of my old ER 409. This is from 25 years ago. This is from today.
25:15 Conan O'Brien? Why do you know the serial numbers?
25:17 Speaker 02 And since I was in Japan, I, I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares and then I found that they, on my second trip, they had come out with the ER. They originally with the ER GN 10, then it came out with the ER GN 11. I bought two of those.
25:37 Conan O'Brien? Hold on a second. Let me see this.
25:38 Speaker 02 Look at the beautiful, just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products.
25:46 Conan O'Brien? Look at your eyes. You look insane.
25:48 Speaker 02 Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty? Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I mean, I, I just, I don't understand the logic of that, but nevertheless.
26:03 Conan O'Brien? How many of these did you buy?
26:04 Speaker 02 I bought four of them, but the, but the point is.
26:07 Conan O'Brien? Now, I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth.
26:10 Speaker 02 You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you, you just buy whatever's available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What, what do you even use to trim your nose hair? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore.
26:23 Conan O'Brien? Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why, why do you, why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.
26:30 Speaker 02 What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ a hair and makeup person.
26:33 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about? I still do, I still do big gigs. I still do live shows, of course.
26:38 Speaker 02 You make contracts one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis.
26:43 Conan O'Brien? I use little scissors.
26:45 Speaker 02 How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device like that?
26:49 Conan O'Brien? My, my nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day.
26:52 Speaker 02 There's gotta be over a hundred hair, individual hairs between those two nostrils.
26:56 Conan O'Brien? Shoot.
26:57 Speaker 02 What are you, are you telling? I use a little scissors.
26:59 Conan O'Brien? How long does that even take?
27:00 Speaker 02 And it's a little bit curved.
27:01 Conan O'Brien? Are you confident in the quality of your work?
27:03 Speaker 02 I, I just don't, I know that if I look in that nose right now and I show in the light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing.
27:11 Conan O'Brien? Well, you know what I do?
27:12 Speaker 02 Whisker removal.
27:13 Conan O'Brien? I make little, I'm like Edward Scissorhands, I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one. And I have a lizard in that.
27:20 Speaker 02 It's not often talked about. You have hair removal challenges. You have shaving problems and you always have. I'll come in and I'll see.
27:27 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about?
27:27 Speaker 02 Huge patches of hair on your face, isolated patches of hair. I don't know how, when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection. I'll come in one day, you've got like a little, you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your, under your nose where your mustache would be. You've got like a random, your neck a lot of times have like, you have shaving problems. And just acknowledge.
27:49 Conan O'Brien? Say, say about my neck.
27:50 Speaker 02 You have shaven.
27:51 Conan O'Brien? Say, say, say about my neck.
27:53 Speaker 02 You'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position.
27:56 Conan O'Brien? Do you want to know what the problem is? Would you like me to tell you?
27:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:58 Conan O'Brien? Okay, I get very bad, I have very sensitive skin.
28:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:01 Conan O'Brien? And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps.
28:04 Speaker 02 You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks better than a red neck?
28:08 Conan O'Brien? No, I don't deliberately, I don't deliberately leave it there.
28:11 Speaker 02 Do you see it?
28:12 Conan O'Brien? I shave it, but sometimes I try to be a, do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much and maybe I leave a stray hair and you know what? This is hurtful.
28:18 Speaker 02 No, this is not a stray hair. This is a clump of hair.
28:21 Conan O'Brien? It's hurtful.
28:21 Speaker 02 I'm not concerned with individual hairs.
28:23 Conan O'Brien? Hurtful.
28:24 Speaker 02 I'm just asking you.
28:25 Conan O'Brien? Hurtful.
28:25 Speaker 02 Do you feel, if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say, why do you have to ridicule?
28:30 Conan O'Brien? I'm not ridiculing.
28:31 Speaker 02 Buy this product. You have the, you have the means.
28:33 Conan O'Brien? Why do I have to buy it? You've got 15 in a bag, you motherfucker. Give me one. Why, why are you saying I have to buy one?
28:40 Speaker 02 I'm not giving you one of these.
28:41 Conan O'Brien? Yes, you are.
28:42 Speaker 02 I don't have the resources you have.
28:44 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid $8?
28:49 Speaker 02 To me.
28:49 Conan O'Brien? I'll give you 16.
28:51 Speaker 02 This is priceless to me. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna.
28:53 Conan O'Brien? Priceless.
28:53 Speaker 02 Tag on this. The ERG.
28:55 Conan O'Brien? Hundred dollars.
28:56 Speaker 02 If someone's doing something better than you, don't ridicule, just be like, I learned something.
29:00 Conan O'Brien? I'll give you a hundred dollars.
29:00 Speaker 02 Oh, it's Socrates. Oh, it's Caesar. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose hair with the ERG N10.
29:06 Conan O'Brien? I'll give you $200.
29:07 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:08 Conan O'Brien? Say yes! Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're gonna get. That, you made a huge profit on that.
29:16 Speaker 02 Give it to me right now.
29:17 Conan O'Brien? Well, I don't, do I have $200 on me? I might, I don't know if I do. Maybe I do.
29:20 Speaker 02 I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of this door, I'm giving it back.
29:25 Conan O'Brien? You don't have to give it back.
29:26 Speaker 02 Do you want the ER GN10 or the GN11?
29:28 Conan O'Brien? What the difference is it?
29:29 Speaker 02 I don't know. I'm not clear on what the difference is. Alright, that's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get.
29:35 Conan O'Brien? Well, what's the latest version?
29:37 Speaker 02 Oh, I don't know. I'm gonna guess if there's the ER GN10 and the ER GN11, I'm gonna guess maybe the GR ER GN11 is more recent. Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme. If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal. I mean, these are just basic questions. I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair. Just give me everything you have.
29:59 Conan O'Brien? No.
30:00 Speaker 02 You think you have more than 200 in cash on you?
30:03 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. I go to strip clubs sometimes.
30:07 Conan O'Brien? I think that's, uh, you were yelling at me and you're, you upset me because you, uh, said that I, my face was all fucked up and, um...
30:15 Speaker 02 I'm just saying you have room for improvement. This is nothing to be ashamed about. This is something to embrace. I can help you improve.
30:20 Conan O'Brien? True. Okay, there's 100. Really 200? What if we go?
30:25 Speaker 02 You offered 200.
30:26 Conan O'Brien? I know, but what if I, what if I, I take it down a little bit now?
30:30 Speaker 02 No.
30:30 Conan O'Brien? I'll give you 100. Hold on, hold on. You want 200 seals the deal?
30:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:35 Conan O'Brien? Okay, there it is. It's $200.
30:36 Speaker 02 Okay, which one do you want?
30:38 Conan O'Brien? Why don't you choose?
30:40 Speaker 02 Take this, you want this one?
30:41 Conan O'Brien? No, I want the one, I want one in a box asshole. I don't want one that's bent up your ass two hours ago.
30:47 Speaker 02 This is not what I use for my ass.
30:49 Conan O'Brien? Oh, what did you use for that?
30:51 Speaker 02 Listen.
30:52 Conan O'Brien? What goes up there? Seriously?
30:53 Speaker 02 We...
30:54 Conan O'Brien? What goes up the old bottom?
30:55 Speaker 02 I don't, I don't remove, uh, hair in that area.
30:59 Conan O'Brien? Why would you leave that there?
31:00 Speaker 02 Why? I don't have any problem with that hair.
31:03 Conan O'Brien? What do you mean?
31:04 Speaker 02 I, I have no problem with that area.
31:06 Conan O'Brien? Why do one orifice and not just?
31:08 Speaker 02 This one is visible.
31:10 Conan O'Brien? Well...
31:11 Speaker 02 This one is, uh, you know, displayed.
31:14 Conan O'Brien? Uh huh.
31:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:15 Conan O'Brien? I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take?
31:20 Speaker 02 That takes a AA battery. I reckon-
31:21 Conan O'Brien? Do we have a, do we have a AA around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.
31:25 Speaker 02 Well, I've got a AA in mind. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope.
31:30 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I'll take-
31:30 Speaker 02 I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.
31:33 Conan O'Brien? It's okay.
31:37 Conan O'Brien? This is brand new.
31:37 Speaker 02 Now, you stick that up your nose and if I hear, if I hear a grinding sound.
31:43 Conan O'Brien? Hear that?
31:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, I hear it.
31:44 Conan O'Brien? Hear that?
31:45 Speaker 02 Yeah. If I hear a grind. You're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors. That's all, that was all left behind.
31:54 Conan O'Brien? So that what you're hear, what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors.
32:00 Speaker 02 Not from what I'm hearing, that. Oh, my God.
32:03 Conan O'Brien? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
32:05 Speaker 02 Blast has like four hairs in it.
32:07 Conan O'Brien? What do you mean blast?
32:08 Speaker 02 And it just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril.
32:11 Conan O'Brien? I'm still in the same nostril. So how often do you do this? You do this every day?
32:15 Speaker 02 Every Tuesday and Friday. I find it the most efficient days to.
32:18 Conan O'Brien? You know what? I hope. I do hope you're murdered soon. This is a new nostril.
32:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, you haven't even gotten to your ears yet.
32:26 Conan O'Brien? Ears?
32:27 Speaker 02 Yeah. Do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient?
32:31 Conan O'Brien? You know what? I have to say this is better.
32:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:33 Conan O'Brien? This is better than the scissors.
32:34 Speaker 02 And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device. And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now.
32:43 Conan O'Brien? Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this. You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger like you said that you were better than me. And that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you're when I encounter you and you're a hobo. Look at you now. But you use it on, you said that my information was incorrect. But I suggested this nose hair trimmer and now you're using it. Look at you now. It's so small.
33:10 Speaker 02 You feel there's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before.
33:13 Conan O'Brien? That's not true.
33:14 Speaker 02 Or that's of any value to you.
33:15 Conan O'Brien? No, I've never heard.
33:16 Speaker 02 A level.
33:17 Conan O'Brien? No, that's not true.
33:17 Speaker 02 Level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information. I remember when you had these personal trainers in the 90s. You had these guys like, oh, no, Will Arnett, this is Will Arnett's guy. Like, uh, you, and I started to give you nutrition advice. He goes, please, I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal.
33:34 Conan O'Brien? No, it was actually Will Arnett.
33:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:35 Conan O'Brien? And. Will Arnett was training me.
33:37 Speaker 02 And I would see these protein powders in your office and they were like low quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles.
33:44 Conan O'Brien? What?
33:44 Speaker 02 And you're like, don't worry, I've got the best.
33:46 Conan O'Brien? Wait.
33:47 Speaker 02 People in the business.
33:47 Conan O'Brien? You let me eat incomplete amino acids?
33:49 Speaker 02 You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you have, you know, you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else.
34:00 Conan O'Brien? Jordan, if I wanted to demand it the best in everything, explain your presence. I mean, seriously.
34:06 Speaker 02 Who else, who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN11?
34:10 Conan O'Brien? No one else.
34:11 Speaker 02 What other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this?
34:14 Conan O'Brien? This cost me $200.
34:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:16 Conan O'Brien? That's a lot.
34:17 Speaker 02 Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved. I brought it in to the country. I imported it. I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were cut out of the deal.
34:26 Conan O'Brien? You're right, you're right, you're right. All fair points, and I am going to use this, and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ERGN11. Only available in Japan. You can't get this.
34:39 Speaker 02 If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it.
34:42 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I just love that you have this sad little bag.
34:47 Conan O'Brien? I don't know, it just, I'm sorry.
34:51 Conan O'Brien? It looked, come on, don't stare at me with hate. It just, you have to admit, you have a little, little bag, and you're carrying it around, and it's sad.
34:59 Speaker 02 I admit I have a bag with no hair trimmer in it.
35:02 Conan O'Brien? These are cool. I mean, this is, and I'm going to say something, these are, uh, nice.
35:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:06 Conan O'Brien? Now, I'm, I'm going to go home tonight, and my wife expects me to put-
35:11 Speaker 02 She's going to notice your clean nose, I presume. And, and she, and not just today, but going forward. This device may last you many years.
35:21 Conan O'Brien? Does this also work on the ears?
35:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:23 Conan O'Brien? Now, be honest, have you used it on the ass? Be honest.
35:25 Speaker 02 No.
35:26 Conan O'Brien? Have you used anything on the ass?
35:27 Speaker 02 No.
35:28 Conan O'Brien? Have you ever looked back there?
35:30 Speaker 02 Uh, not that I'm aware of.
35:32 Conan O'Brien? Not that I'm aware of?
35:33 Speaker 02 Well, I mean-
35:34 Conan O'Brien? Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.
35:38 Speaker 02 I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to.
35:43 Conan O'Brien? Okay. Doesn't concern you?
35:45 Speaker 02 Have you?
35:47 Conan O'Brien? Have I what?
35:48 Speaker 02 Looked at your, uh, anus, I guess, is where you were going with this?
35:53 Conan O'Brien? Uh, that's a very personal question.
35:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, that was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question.
35:59 Conan O'Brien? All right. Well, I think this has been a very successful segment. Uh, once again, Jordan has hoodwinked me, and it's a good product. I, did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERGN11? Yes, I will. So, I'm determined to come out ahead. Um, but I'm going to let it go for now. But yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Um, oh, quick advice. Where does the hair go?
36:30 Speaker 02 Oh, it goes into a chamber at the top. You'll have to clean that out from now.
36:34 Conan O'Brien? Well, guess what?
36:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:35 Conan O'Brien? That's Conan O'Brien nose hair.
36:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:37 Conan O'Brien? I could sell that. They sell Lovis's sweat. I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.
36:43 Speaker 04 You know, there's somebody on the line right now. Do you want to ask?
36:46 Conan O'Brien? Someone's been listening and they're on the line?
36:47 Speaker 04 Yes.
36:48 Conan O'Brien? That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting. What if I could sell my nose hair? Let's patch through. Hello, this is, I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, are you there?
36:58 Speaker 06 Yeah.
36:59 Conan O'Brien? Oh, hey, how are you?
37:01 Speaker 06 I'm good. This is the highlight of my day.
37:04 Conan O'Brien? Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but okay, I'll take, you know what? I'm gonna take day. I'm not gonna get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. Uh, as you know, we've been, I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils. Um, and I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair. Is that something that you would ever consider?
37:26 Speaker 06 I would consider it for a little bit of time and then, I mean, maybe I could sell it and make some money off of it.
37:35 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
37:35 Speaker 06 I don't know.
37:35 Conan O'Brien? I, when you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond and then you'd...
37:41 Speaker 06 Yeah, it'd be pretty...
37:42 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, yeah.
37:43 Speaker 06 Pretty short amount of time.
37:44 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, you know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. Um, and I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie. Uh, what's, uh, what's your occupation?
37:55 Speaker 06 Um, I'm a licensed psychologist and I work in a university counseling center.
38:01 Conan O'Brien? Seriously?
38:03 Speaker 06 Yeah.
38:04 Conan O'Brien? So, so this is good because I'm sitting here, I do this, uh, show occasionally with, I guess, I'm gonna call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is. Uh, Jordan Schlansky, are you familiar with him at all?
38:15 Speaker 06 Yep.
38:16 Conan O'Brien? Okay. People seem to know him. A lot of people stop me and ask me, what's the deal with Jordan? And I want to say that's, I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist?
38:32 Speaker 06 Yes.
38:32 Conan O'Brien? And so you're trained to understand, um, the human psyche, the mind, behavioral patterns? You've probably done...
38:41 Speaker 06 Personality.
38:41 Conan O'Brien? Personality. Uh, tell me, and, and Jordan's here. You can say hello, Jordan.
38:47 Speaker 02 Hello, Stephanie.
38:48 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. What, what is your take on Jordan Schlansky? Hello?
38:53 Speaker 06 I mean, yeah, no, it's just a pause.
38:55 Conan O'Brien? Oh, that was a, that was a pause? Oh, my God, that's not good, that's not a good sign. I thought we had, I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say? That's stunning.
39:12 Speaker 06 That's correct. Yeah.
39:14 Conan O'Brien? Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you want to, do you have any questions for Jordan?
39:18 Speaker 06 Yeah, I've got a lot of questions.
39:21 Conan O'Brien? Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos. Let's imagine you know Jordan, you've seen his videos and he walks into the office. And let's get to it.
39:34 Speaker 06 I guess I'd be most interested to know what his biggest problems are in his life? Like what causes him distress?
39:42 Speaker 02 I'm pretty content, to be honest with you. I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise.
39:52 Speaker 02 You know, the basic human responses. We have fear in frightful situations and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction. I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of the...
40:06 Conan O'Brien? I'm sorry, you're just describing the human species.
40:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:10 Conan O'Brien? You're talking, you're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically and, and, you know...
40:19 Speaker 02 Well, I feel content. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I know my characteristics and I'm, I'm quite content with them. You know, I know my limitations and my...
40:30 Conan O'Brien? I'm quite familiar with your limitations. What I want to say, Jordan, is that you are not, you say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien experience?
40:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years financially and otherwise is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically. I am introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And certainly a psychologist would likely read that right away. INTP, if you're a fan of the Myers-Briggs classification system.
41:04 Speaker 06 I'm not a fan of that.
41:06 Conan O'Brien? Okay, excuse me, I'm gonna let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance.
41:12 Speaker 06 Well...
41:13 Conan O'Brien? Go ahead, Stephanie.
41:14 Speaker 06 My other question, so sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress, but it's that the other people around you are in distress. So that would be my kind of other question is, how do most people kind of respond to you?
41:28 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, it's a good question.
41:29 Speaker 02 That is a good question. I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand? I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them, with, you know, a few outlying responses. But I get very different responses from different people. I find some people despise me and I find...
41:52 Speaker 02 But I find that an equal, if not more, number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response. But I, mine, mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other.
42:12 Conan O'Brien? So you're saying, so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy, 40% of people despise you.
42:18 Speaker 02 I say equal, equal.
42:19 Conan O'Brien? 40% are fine with you and then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?
42:32 Speaker 06 Oh, it doesn't sound normal.
42:35 Speaker 02 Well, I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list.
42:40 Speaker 06 I think that comes across.
42:41 Speaker 02 Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person and, and in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me. Of course, there are a few exceptions, inevitable, that's just attrition as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person. I try to improve the world around me in my limited time here on this earth. But of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time. And, you know, some people are easy to read and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when faced with that kind of blank slate, are, are, find it off-putting and intimidating in a way, and I understand that and respect that.
43:23 Conan O'Brien? Stephanie, let me ask you quickly. And you're the expert here and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan. A lot of words, a lot of sing-songy cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing too?
43:46 Speaker 06 I mean, from listening to the podcast and your other interactions, his interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you.
43:56 Speaker 06 I don't, I mean.
43:57 Conan O'Brien? So you're saying that maybe I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying?
44:02 Speaker 06 The other option too is sometimes people, when they feel like they're being assessed, they kind of show the best of themselves, you know, and kind of want to be seen in a certain way and kind of do that like, um, they kind of manage their, their public image more.
44:19 Conan O'Brien? Right, right. Yes, it's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, "It's so nice to see you. What a lovely jail." Um, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that, is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie?
44:35 Speaker 06 That's exactly what I was saying, yeah.
44:37 Speaker 02 Okay, well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation and I am different depending on who I'm talking to. And I do have many sides of my personality and I truly maintain that they're all genuine, um, many sides. And the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect subdivision of my personality. And it is true that you consistently, I'm gesturing to my co-host Conan, evokes a certain response from me. Whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me.
45:09 Speaker 06 So what does Conan bring out of you?
45:11 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, good question.
45:12 Speaker 02 Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy, some may even say polar opposite to my own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others. And I'm exactly the opposite and, you know, Conan, um, we are the same species, Homo sapiens, but our minds are wired so very differently. It's hard to believe we're the same species. And when I watch him, and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general.
45:41 Conan O'Brien? Sure, as all aliens do when they visit.
45:43 Speaker 02 Uh, when I watch him and how his mind works, I marvel at it. Because, um, in addition to his many talents, his many tangible talents, I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine. He, um, he will go out of his way if we're on an airplane, sitting across aisle to get my attention, to yell across the aisle. And I turn his way and expect he's gonna have some great witty quip, and he just makes a ridiculous face at me. And that was, that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get, and I'm thinking, I would never, I could have the best joke or observation in the world, I would never take that step.
46:17 Conan O'Brien? I did do that recently, uh, Stephanie. He was sitting way across from me, uh, uh, on an airplane flight. And I yelled across, we were on a, shooting a travel show. And I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane, just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face. And it was, uh, just had no expression, it was lifeless. It was a mask, and, um, I, I had to-
46:42 Speaker 02 I mean, I was sitting on an airplane, what kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting, watching the hours go by.
46:47 Conan O'Brien? I think American Airlines deserved more, they do a good job, and you could have given them, uh, something. And, so, I needed to, the pond was too placid, and I needed to drop a stone in, and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie?
47:01 Speaker 02 But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond, that's, that's what you're missing here. You always need movement, but sometimes the, the silence is where the magic is, the stillness.
47:09 Conan O'Brien? Uh, there was no magic, I just saw a weird face across the aisle, uh, wearing the same t-shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead, and it was annoying. Stephanie, uh, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit, so that Jordan can't, go ahead.
47:22 Speaker 06 Okay, well, I had a question for you, Conan, which is, you said you, you try to explain Jordan to people, how, what's your, like, shorthand description of him?
47:32 Conan O'Brien? I usually say, we, we think it's a childhood accident. That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to, they, they just nod and go, yeah. You know, and I say, I don't really know what it was, if it was a, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back. And it took out some-
47:48 Speaker 06 Some kind of traumatic brain injury.
47:50 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, yeah. You know those x-rays you see where there's a skull and there's a, the, the, the giant spike going right through it, but they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer? That's, I am, I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there, but because someone in a Ford F-150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, uh, Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think?
48:16 Speaker 02 Okay, while I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities, who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that your own personality is superior-
48:25 Conan O'Brien? I'm sorry, it's the Conan and Jordan show and it's on the Conan channel.
48:29 Speaker 02 Okay.
48:31 Conan O'Brien? So, I guess that would make me the judge.
48:36 Conan O'Brien? It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice, "Who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice."
48:46 Speaker 02 Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you and who's superior. You're certainly an exceptional human being, no question about it.
48:55 Conan O'Brien? Thank you.
48:55 Speaker 02 And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different and I don't disagree. However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier and I don't know that we need to have that competition.
49:09 Conan O'Brien? Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?
49:13 Speaker 06 Yeah, I think Conan is better than you.
49:20 Conan O'Brien? I love that that's coming from, uh, oh my god, that was the funniest thing.
49:24 Speaker 02 That settles it.
49:25 Conan O'Brien? Thank you very much. Uh, Stephanie, you're a wonderful person and thank you, uh, thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question. Um, and that's science, that's real science right there.
49:38 Speaker 06 Yeah.
49:39 Speaker 02 Clearly.
49:39 Conan O'Brien? That I'm better than you. And Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you. Bye-bye.
49:46 Speaker 06 Bye.
49:46 Conan O'Brien? She was lovely. I liked her. And also, I think she- She nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.
49:53 Speaker 02 The convoluted premise that you use to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro? Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify?
50:03 Conan O'Brien? We didn't know it was a psychologist. Yeah, we didn't know. It was an accident that was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart? And deduced that you are the monstrous freak that you are. Hey, that's all the time we have for now.
50:18 Speaker 02 Okay.
50:19 Conan O'Brien? And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left. But I just can't do this anymore, so I'm gonna wrap this up. That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan Show. I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things. And then a, pretty much a woman of science, said that I win and Jordan loses.
50:36 Speaker 02 Clearly a sound psychological opinion.
50:38 Conan O'Brien? We'll see you next time.
51:00 Speaker 04 The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Patista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine
51:45 Speaker 04 podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on Sirius XM.
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