#143 - Nick Viagas and Ivy Wolk

Nick Viagas and Ivy Wolk join the pod to discuss their totally healthy totally normal friendship, their dads being A1 gooners, conquering speech impediments, being unable to resist toxic flings, and much more. Nick, Ivy, and Stav help callers including a gay poly man who says he can’t find gay guys to date who still use condoms, and a woman in a local watercolor class who is irritated that all the other students keep talking about politics. Check out Nick Viagas and Ivy Wolk’s monthly live show Struggle Bus (next show in NYC on 9/14): https://www.instagram.com/strugglebuslive Follow Nick Viagas and see him live: https://www.instagram.com/nickviagas https://www.tiktok.com/@nickviagas https://x.com/male_comedian Follow Ivy Wolk and see her live: https://www.instagram.com/wolkmindvirus2/ https://linktr.ee/ivywolk Visit https://mintmobile.com/stavvy to get a 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15/month. Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code STAVVY at https://mudwtr.com/STAVVY #mudwtrpod Get 60% off your first box at https://tempomeals.com/stavvy Get a refreshing Twisted Tea today. Keep It Twisted!! Visit https://www.twistedtea.com/locations to find Twisted Tea near you. 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets 🎥 Rent or buy LET'S START A CULT at https://stavvy.biz/movie ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld ☎️ Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:26Speaker 01

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• 0:55Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, welcome everybody to Stavie's World. 904-800-Stav. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. On the couch with us today, we got Nick Viagas.

• 1:07Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 1:08Stavros Halkias?

  Very nice. And Ivy Wolk, hit that L hard. Hit that L hard. She's not Ivy Wolk, folks. She's very transgressive. She has very, very, very unwoke ideas. You should have seen the stuff she was saying before we started recording. Lot of slurs, lot of different ones I hadn't even, I had forgotten about. Thanks for coming, guys.

• 1:29Speaker 04

  Thanks for having us, Stav.

• 1:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, what do we got? We got, you're chewing on some Alpha Brain? You gotta get primed, ready to go?

• 1:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, I need to be sharp and have really good recall.

• 1:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. I do love that shit. I should, I should work with more, I should get some more chemicals to get my brain firing up.

• 1:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, I have like a whole stack.

• 1:51Stavros Halkias?

  Really? What's your stack?

• 1:52Speaker 03

  I do Wellbutrin, obviously.

• 1:54Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, nice.

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Then Finasteride.

• 1:57Stavros Halkias?

  That's hair shit?

• 1:58Speaker 03

  That's hair shit. Then I take Testosterone Support.

• 2:01Stavros Halkias?

  Ooh.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Cause the Finasteride lowers your whole testosterone, not just in your scalp.

• 2:05Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  Then obviously, you know, the erection stuff.

• 2:08Stavros Halkias?

  Your dick, it fucks your dick up?

• 2:09Speaker 03

  Fucks your dick up, yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 04

  Can you believe out of the two of us, I was the one that had the pill addiction?

• 2:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's true. You just you, he does have one, but it wasn't as fun.

• 2:19Speaker 03

  I have a stack.

• 2:21Speaker 04

  He has a stash. He has a stack. Yeah.

• 2:24Stavros Halkias?

  That's a good point, though. What if we're talking about addiction? You're addicted to having hair and a hard dick. Ivy was addicted to just feeling. What kind of pills are we talking?

• 2:33Speaker 04

  Benzos, baby.

• 2:34Stavros Halkias?

  Nice classics.

• 2:35Speaker 04

  Falling asleep in my damn suit. Love that fucking feeling. There were so many times where Nick would like have to come over to my apartment because I would have been in like a forty-eight hour blackout and we had a show to do and he had to like stir me awake.

• 2:48Stavros Halkias?

  And you thought that was whatever was gonna happen after that would be worth taking to the show?

• 2:53Speaker 04

  You gotta buy low. You buy low.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  Buy low.

• 2:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 2:57Speaker 04

  Yeah. And the returns may be high.

• 3:00Speaker 03

  There was one time right before a show, I was on the phone with Ivy's mom and she was like, make her flush the pills.

• 3:09Stavros Halkias?

  Lady, we do a fucking monthly. I'm not, this is not what I signed up for.

• 3:16Speaker 04

  He's my home health aid.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  Little field is waiting.

• 3:18Speaker 04

  Yeah. He's my home health aid as fuck.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, Ivy's like my dog and like, she's my dog and like my manager and also, and also like Shirley Temple.

• 3:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, that makes sense.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  I'm kind of like the JonBenet of our, of our dynamic a little bit.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  And I'm a guy who helps JonBenet.

• 3:35Speaker 04

  You're the lead detective on the case and then JonBenet's ghost sort of being like, please figure it out. Please figure it out.

• 3:42Stavros Halkias?

  The handy man who fucked and ki- and killed me. He's still on the loose.

• 3:48Stavros Halkias?

  How do you guys know each other? You just been doing comedy?

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, just through stand-up.

• 3:52Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 3:52Speaker 04

  Did we meet at Saint Farts?

• 3:54Speaker 03

  No, I, I think we, we, uh, we became friends at Saint Mark's Comedy Club.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  Which is called Saint Farts.

• 4:00Stavros Halkias?

  Now that's pretty. See what I'm talking about? Transgressive? Take that. Take that to church. Saint Mark, more like Saint motherfucking Farts.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  You're looking for Ivy woke.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  We're saying farts now.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  No, I think, yeah, we, uh, we met at All Night Skate, I think, that bar.

• 4:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was a bar, a gay bar in my old neighborhood that, um, I remember we went there one night with like a whole group of dudes. And I got mad drunk and every guy there started playing female comedian would or would not with their phones. So they were just showing like kind of my female contemporaries on their phones and being like, I would fuck her but backwards and it's like, you haven't had sex in years.

• 4:42Stavros Halkias?

  And these are other comics doing it?

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was like me and Assad.

• 4:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was like Assad and like Ethan and Gino.

• 4:48Stavros Halkias?

  Gino and it, see, but first I was like, ah, that's disgusting, but then thinking of those guys doing it, I'm like, that's pretty cute.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  It was me like, I would suck the shit out of her ass.

• 5:01Stavros Halkias?

  They still shouldn't do it, but I'm like, boys, you know what I mean?

• 5:05Speaker 04

  I kind of was like on like a, I think I had like two blood orange marks and I was like, kind of in like a bit of a fugue state and I woke up to just like a girl I know, I'm not gonna say her name. And she was on a phone screen and, uh, all the guys were kind of doing dialectics about whether or not they would fuck her. And, uh, that's when I realized I female comediand a little too close to the fucking side.

• 5:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 5:29Speaker 04

  I really, I moved to New York.

• 5:30Stavros Halkias?

  You gotta let the, you gotta let, cause look, that's gonna happen.

• 5:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:33Stavros Halkias?

  Right? There's no way that's not gonna happen.

• 5:35Speaker 04

  I moved to New York under the guise that I was like this like hot, young, gash, like fresh pussy, fresh meat on the scene. Like showing up to the open mic, everybody would wanna like a lick of the clit. And then all of a sudden I'm being let in on like the fucking locker room talk, like boys talk shit. And I'm like, damn, like when the other girls walk by, they go, how do you do, milady? And then meanwhile me, they're like, Ivy, like if you had a cock, would you fuck her ass or her cunt first?

• 6:01Speaker 03

  And I'm like, I'm like, yeah, Ivy's a dog.

• 6:04Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Yeah, yeah, I, I see. They've, you're, they objectified you in that they see you as just like a chair.

• 6:14Speaker 04

  I got bushed real fucking fast. They were like, hey, can you lift an air conditioner unit? And I was like, I'm actually the youngest woman that's ever lived.

• 6:22Stavros Halkias?

  You've got the shorts for it. You've got the shorts for mover.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  I've got, I really, these shorts, my situationship really did not like these shorts. And we got in like a spat about it because I think these shorts are really fucking chic. And he was like, he was like, I was riding my bike the other day and I was thinking, you could have like a nineties movie hot girl transformation.

• 6:39Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 6:41Speaker 04

  And I was like, and I was like, I was like, but don't you think I'm hot now? I was like, don't you think I'm hot now? And he went, yeah. A meager just kind of squeak out of the throat. Yeah.

• 6:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 6:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, for sure. But I would like to announce, do you have a soundboard, Eldis? Do you have a soundboard?

• 6:57Stavros Halkias?

  He's got limited sounds. He'll do his best. You have like applause? We do.

• 7:01Speaker 04

  I would like to announce that last night I got cummed in for the first time ever in my whole life.

• 7:05Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, give her the applause.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  Not by Nick, not by Nick.

• 7:09Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, how, and how, walk us through that. What was that about?

• 7:11Speaker 04

  I thought that it would feel like a bidet. I thought that it would feel like a bidet where it's kind of like an eruptive splash. But really, it actually didn't feel like much of anything. It was over before it even began.

• 7:24Stavros Halkias?

  Do you think that's because it was a small nut or?

• 7:27Speaker 04

  No, his loads are actually like quite robust, like technically.

• 7:31Stavros Halkias?

  Isn't the inside of vagina like the brain? For his loads, Eldis? Eldis, okay, good, good. Just checking. There's no feeling on the inside, right? Interesting, yeah.

• 7:40Speaker 04

  Well, at least not for a girl like me.

• 7:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  It's beyond these bars. You don't really feel much. Yeah.

• 7:48Stavros Halkias?

  Um, okay, so that's, congrats. That's a big, that's a big moment.

• 7:51Speaker 04

  Thank you, yeah. I just got an IUD.

• 7:54Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, I see.

• 7:55Speaker 04

  So I'm feeling, I'm acting brand new.

• 7:57Stavros Halkias?

  Sure. So you did more, your destructive, uh, act outs were pills. Now you're starting with getting nutted in. That's kind of new to you.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, but it's, I'm doing it in a healthy way. It's under the supervision of many doctors.

• 8:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you got a whole team. He's the same age as you, right, this guy?

• 8:13Speaker 04

  No.

• 8:13Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, and how old, you're, you are 18. Let's start there before we have to edit all this out.

• 8:21Speaker 04

  I'm twenty.

• 8:22Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, great, great, great. And, oh, so we're talking about some guy who's what, forty-eight or what?

• 8:27Speaker 04

  Mm, it's about ten years less than that.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  I believe he's thirty-nine.

• 8:34Stavros Halkias?

  Nice, dude.

• 8:34Speaker 04

  Listen, listen, age gap autumn every day for a girl like me whose precocity is wearing off by the minute.

• 8:40Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you think you have to cash in?

• 8:42Speaker 04

  I have to cash in because pretty soon I'm gonna be like a crone.

• 8:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's tough, because the thirty-eight-year-old's probably, he's either the guy who told you you can have the transformation?

• 8:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:51Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's tough.

• 8:52Speaker 04

  So he's referencing the movies of his childhood, you know?

• 8:55Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, right, right.

• 8:56Speaker 04

  He didn't stream that on Netflix, he saw that in theaters, right?

• 8:59Stavros Halkias?

  You could be like Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz, with a little blush. Yeah, yeah, you shave those legs and everything's in color.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  You're in a magical land with a wizard.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  And no bush, and the hair on your asshole please goes away.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  And wear this wig, too.

• 9:19Stavros Halkias?

  So he's looking at this as like a look, I can't get, look, this is not a, he sees as a car that he's gonna do a little work on, and then it becomes a hot rod.

• 9:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:29Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean? You're like the bones of a Camaro today.

• 9:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it's more like, it's more like he found an engine.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  He's kinda like looking to make it into a car.

• 9:40Speaker 04

  He's kinda, he found a catalytic converter on the streets of Atlanta and he's trying to sell it. That's kinda what I mean.

• 9:44Speaker 03

  He's selling it at a chop shop.

• 9:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, he's like, alright, let's get her into trafficking shape.

• 9:51Stavros Halkias?

  Let's get her into lure her into the back of a van. We're not there yet, but we'll get there.

• 9:55Speaker 04

  I'm not chained to a radiator worthy yet, unfortunately. I've been waiting every single day since I was a little girl. All I've wanted is to be just chained to a radiator whip senselessly, but I wear shorts like this and so I'm by my lonesome.

• 10:08Stavros Halkias?

  I am getting that from you just in the fifteen minutes we've known each other. Speaking from the like, the fantasy of being the like meat on the, on the circuit is a very, it's a very funny thing to be like, wanting and looking for, and if you want it, it doesn't happen. I think that's how that works. You have to actually be, because we've all seen it, you know?

• 10:28Speaker 04

  Rate, hashtag rate bait?

• 10:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, like, you have to be like actually trying to be, I actually wanna have a career, and then like the worst men of all time will be like, hey, wanna write? You know, the worst fucking guys of all time.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  I know, Stuart.

• 10:40Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, no, no, I'm not talking about her.

• 10:48Stavros Halkias?

  When you like the, the open, when a hot girl comes to open mics and she just like gets, it's, it is like the vultures descending.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  I've witnessed it happen to other women, it's absolutely terrifying and yet I lick my chops for it every night when I hit the pillow. I dream of it, I dream of just being spit roasted and thrown around like a beach ball by my contemporaries, it's all I want and I'll never have it.

• 11:10Stavros Halkias?

  Sorry, man, yeah, it doesn't look like it's in the cards for you. Where does this, so it sounds like you had a chill childhood or? It's like everything, everything went well.

• 11:20Speaker 03

  She wasn't raped or anything.

• 11:21Speaker 04

  No, I wasn't molested, that's why I've craved it so, so badly, cause it's like one.

• 11:25Stavros Halkias?

  Wanted it too bad?

• 11:26Speaker 04

  I wanted it too bad, it's the female experience that I was let out of because I just, I look like a soccer ball.

• 11:31Stavros Halkias?

  From the, okay, I see. So, but something, a couple horrible things happened, right?

• 11:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

• 11:37Stavros Halkias?

  Some, when are we, when are we talking pills? How did the pills start?

• 11:39Speaker 04

  Pills started, I was, well, I was kind of like honoring my foremothers by doctor shopping and like lying to doctors. I had a non-binary nurse that was giving me the pills, I had somebody back in Los Angeles. I had like, you know, people from the internet that I was getting them from, I had a dealer. I really like to, little Pete, shout out little Pete.

• 11:58Speaker 03

  Giving her pills.

• 12:00Speaker 04

  Giving me pills. I like to sort of, you know, I like to stash, so I would have my, my K pins, my Zannies and my Ativan, which Ativan doesn't have a colloquialism, cause I feel like it's kind of a deep cut, but.

• 12:12Stavros Halkias?

  Well, cause Addy already, Adderall's, Adderall's got that market cornered, so.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  Vanny?

• 12:17Stavros Halkias?

  Advan, Vanny's?

• 12:18Speaker 04

  Vanny's?

• 12:18Stavros Halkias?

  Maybe, that's, that's kinda cute.

• 12:20Speaker 04

  It's charming.

• 12:20Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  Van Jones.

• 12:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, cause a couple, pop a couple Van Jones, get real, really lib out.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  But, um, you know, I like to sort of have my little cocktail, like me and my orange bottles posted up in the crib, just sort of like watching Million Dollar Extreme videos off the, off the Zans, like I was young in 2016, but actually I was really young in 2016 and so I missed all that.

• 12:43Stavros Halkias?

  I see.

• 12:43Speaker 04

  So I recreated it all for myself.

• 12:45Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, this is crazy. You're like a girl that grew up in the 90s that dressed in the, for the 50s.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  Right.

• 12:51Stavros Halkias?

  But you're a girl that grew up in 2020, pretending you grew up in 2016. Five years. That is fucking nuts. So wait, where, so, okay, where did you grow up? Let's, let's get some basic biographical details of both of you. Obviously, Nick, you know, you know, you clearly understand how this goes. This is your life. You've chosen this dynamic. Uh, it's, you know, I will get to you, don't get me wrong. My guess is I was gonna jump in, even when it's your turn.

• 13:15Speaker 04

  No, I'll, I'll sit my, I'll sit my way down and listen, I'll sit my way down and listen.

• 13:19Stavros Halkias?

  But let's start with where, yeah, where'd you grow up?

• 13:21Speaker 04

  I grew up in Los Angeles, California.

• 13:24Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, okay.

• 13:24Speaker 04

  Heart of the city.

• 13:25Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, it was, it was your family in the entertainment industry at all?

• 13:28Speaker 04

  My father's the censor on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

• 13:31Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, I didn't realize there was that, they were that level of nepo, baby.

• 13:37Stavros Halkias?

  Any word gets bleeped out ABC after eleven thirty AM, her dad's doing it.

• 13:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, so.

• 13:45Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking hilarious.

• 13:46Speaker 04

  Grew up in Los Angeles.

• 13:48Stavros Halkias?

  Raise a family on that job?

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Well, did he?

• 13:51Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, okay. Okay. It's coming together, it's coming together.

• 13:56Speaker 04

  D A D was replaced by E B T and M O M.

• 13:58Stavros Halkias?

  I see, I see, I see, okay.

• 14:00Speaker 04

  Let's jot that down.

• 14:01Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah, okay, a fellow, uh, hey, we got, we, we, me and Eldis, we would crack your grandmother's, uh, food stamps for sure.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, we had the food stamps rocking.

• 14:10Stavros Halkias?

  I respect your family for not, my parents pret, would like to pretend we weren't poor, so they wouldn't let us get free lunch or E B T. But then Eldis, I was like, Eldis uses the E B T for fucking ice cream sandwiches and chicken strips.

• 14:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:22Stavros Halkias?

  I was fucking so upset.

• 14:24Speaker 04

  My mother was similar, where she wasn't, like, never got on, like, any of the assistants until I was, like, out of the house. And instead, like, we kept up the illusion that we, like, looked nice and had nice things by her racking up just tens of thousands of dollars for credit card debt. Like, department store credit cards, like, and so I always had new clothing, but to what end?

• 14:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 04

  The question is, to what end?

• 14:45Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting, interesting.

• 14:46Speaker 04

  Love her, though, love you, please.

• 14:50Stavros Halkias?

  Single mom in LA and you're like, are you, are you, are you like, you're in the city? So are you, and your dad is the censor for Jimmy Kimmel? Are you around other high-powered entertainment children like that?

• 15:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, I grew up around a lot of children.

• 15:04Stavros Halkias?

  Your dad mopped the, your friend's dad was like the guy who mopped the floors at Letterman or that kind of thing?

• 15:09Speaker 04

  I was friends with people whose parents had actual like power and money. And so I was like at house parties in high school, like smoking weed with like, you know, in-ground trampolines and like staff and stuff. Just thinking, damn, like if only my dad had, I don't know, got up on his good foot or participated in the dot com boom a little more. Like, we could maybe have something for ourselves, but no, he sleeps in on a mattress on the floor in a studio apartment.

• 15:34Speaker 03

  Every time I hear a story about Ivy's childhood, it's always like, yeah, was that like Harvey Weinstein's son's bar mitzvah?

• 15:42Speaker 03

  Mac Dre was there.

• 15:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, children should not have that upbringing whatsoever. It's crazy.

• 15:50Speaker 04

  Really haunting me. I feel like I have ghosts in my blood.

• 15:53Stavros Halkias?

  Like this is what happens when you don't get molested. That's crazy. Growing up there and not getting molested is, this is the best case scenario. That's nuts.

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:01Stavros Halkias?

  What about you? Where'd you grow up?

• 16:04Speaker 03

  Westchester.

• 16:05Stavros Halkias?

  Westchester, okay. Westchester, New York, originally? Okay, nice. So just like a nice suburban New York boy?

• 16:11Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, it was like a rich town and yeah, my dad was a writer and my mom was an ice skating teacher.

• 16:16Stavros Halkias?

  Ice skating teacher, okay.

• 16:18Speaker 04

  And she was an alcoholic.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  And she was an alcoholic.

• 16:19Stavros Halkias?

  Nice. I dated an alcoholic ice skating teacher.

• 16:23Speaker 04

  Catherine?

• 16:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. She moved to Baltimore for a while to get her life together.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  She works at Trader Joe's now?

• 16:29Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, no, that sounds cool though. No, no, this, this girl, she's doing good. She's got a family, you know, she, but she was drunk as hell.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  Did she fall a lot on the ice?

• 16:38Stavros Halkias?

  No, I think she kept, I think.

• 16:40Speaker 05

  That's awesome.

• 16:44Speaker 05

  Okay, girl.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  Watch and learn.

• 16:47Speaker 05

  You don't think I could do a fucking triple action?

• 16:51Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  She was like, yeah, it was always like really. Beginner students and she's like, I teach them how to fall.

• 16:58Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's smart.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  I bet.

• 17:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good, alcoholics should do that more. It's just be like, I'll be like, oh, I teach them how to eat four burgers at 2am and not get hard. Just get the other lessons that you get, your natural alcoholic lessons. Interesting. So was this like, was your mom like a hot skater for like a successful writer? Was she like sort of a trophy wife that just kept drinking or?

• 17:25Speaker 03

  Neither one was that successful.

• 17:27Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, no. Okay, nice.

• 17:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, they.

• 17:29Stavros Halkias?

  You an only child? You got more?

• 17:30Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, I have a brother, an older brother.

• 17:33Stavros Halkias?

  Older brother.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  He like owns a home and he's like normal.

• 17:35Stavros Halkias?

  Gotcha.

• 17:35Speaker 04

  He has a child in a way.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  He has a child.

• 17:37Stavros Halkias?

  That's cute. How's it feel going uncle mode?

• 17:40Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, it feels cool. I actually just saw him before this. He named his son Cosmo.

• 17:45Stavros Halkias?

  Cosmo?

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Yes, that's so you know he's like doing well.

• 17:48Stavros Halkias?

  I love that. Yeah, yeah.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  His child is like a really stupid name.

• 17:51Stavros Halkias?

  Cosmo is awesome.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Lives in Brooklyn.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  He was born with a New Yorker subscription.

• 17:56Stavros Halkias?

  Cosmo is great. And listen, it means, you know, the world in Greek.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  I think that's why they they named him that.

• 18:02Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah.

• 18:02Speaker 04

  You have, you don't have Greek ancestry, do you? Just Italian.

• 18:05Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  Italian and Spanish.

• 18:07Stavros Halkias?

  Ah, I could have seen it. It's all, it's all kind of a, it's all kind of a tan morass.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:13Stavros Halkias?

  Around there. Yeah. Depending on how.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  Global Latino, they call it.

• 18:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, okay. Yeah, I guess depending on like what level of like North African and like.

• 18:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:22Stavros Halkias?

  You know, uh, they, they, cause like some Spanish people just look black, like some Greek people straight up look like Dominicans. Where they're like, I'm Greek and they have like, they straight up look like, you know, they have like curly, they have like afros.

• 18:34Speaker 04

  Should we measure each other's skulls next?

• 18:36Stavros Halkias?

  We do have the calipers, the calipers are out, eldest broke. We tried using eldest, eldest skull was too thick. Albanian skull, we tried to get into his brain, but the skull cracked the caliper, so.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  Brains are too big, yeah.

• 18:47Stavros Halkias?

  No, they're not too big. It's too thick a skull. It's the, the head looks big and you'd think there'd be brain 85% skull. Yeah, my, uh, my.

• 18:58Speaker 03

  Grandpa was from Spain and there's nothing he would hate more than the idea of people from Spain being black.

• 19:04Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly.

• 19:06Speaker 03

  He moved here and got racist real quick.

• 19:08Stavros Halkias?

  They love, yeah, they love getting here and getting racist as hell.

• 19:11Speaker 03

  He hated Latino people, the whole thing.

• 19:12Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, even, so they, there was no, oh, we both speak Spanish.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  No, not at all.

• 19:17Stavros Halkias?

  He was like, I was, if I was around, I'd be conquistador in their asses. Which I do respect, conquistadors, look, as far as oppressors go, they had the best armor.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  For sure.

• 19:27Stavros Halkias?

  They had those cool gold fucking helmets.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  For sure.

• 19:29Stavros Halkias?

  Pretty sick stuff. And I think they were playing some serious mind games. Cause they like convinced people they were gods and shit like that.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, uh, the, yeah, they convinced them that they were like the white Birdman or whatever it's called.

• 19:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, dude, so what, what were we talking, a nice little suburban upbringing?

• 19:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, we had a, a pool, it was a shitty pool.

• 19:51Stavros Halkias?

  Still.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Mom was an alcoholic.

• 19:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 19:53Speaker 03

  Didn't work that much, but was okay.

• 19:55Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 19:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:56Stavros Halkias?

  Which pops writing, what kind of stuff?

• 19:57Speaker 03

  Uh, he wrote theater history.

• 19:59Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 20:00Speaker 04

  He's one of the founders of Playbill.com.

• 20:02Stavros Halkias?

  Play, oh, okay, that's pretty cool.

• 20:04Speaker 03

  But he, uh, yeah, he's like, yeah.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  To Nick and I, that means a lot.

• 20:11Speaker 03

  But yeah, he's like a, if you didn't know him, you'd think he was a gay guy, but he's like a liberal Long Island kind of scumbaggy guy that loved, loved theater.

• 20:21Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting. Well, we say when, when you didn't know him, like, does he have gay mannerisms?

• 20:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:25Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, cool.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  That's a good way to put it.

• 20:28Stavros Halkias?

  I like that, though.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  But he's also really horny. You know, like the architect of a European guy who's like sort of gay.

• 20:33Stavros Halkias?

  Sort of gay, did the arts.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:36Stavros Halkias?

  His wife's too drunk to realize he's getting head on the scene. That kind of thing.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  Precisely.

• 20:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, I like this.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 20:44Stavros Halkias?

  We have a lot, we have a lot in common. My dad wasn't gay. He definitely seemed straight, but yes, all the, definitely the cheating and the, uh...

• 20:51Speaker 04

  My dad's just a gooner.

• 20:53Stavros Halkias?

  He likes to beat off.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  My dad is a gooner.

• 20:55Stavros Halkias?

  Really?

• 20:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:56Stavros Halkias?

  Have you ever caught your dad's beating off?

• 20:58Speaker 03

  No, but we found, when, when we were moving out of my childhood home, we found these boxes and boxes of like pop shot, like VHS porn.

• 21:07Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, respect, awesome.

• 21:10Speaker 03

  Cum shot compilations.

• 21:11Stavros Halkias?

  Cum shot compilations, wow.

• 21:13Speaker 03

  Shout out my dad, by the way.

• 21:14Speaker 04

  Shout out Robert.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  He's a public figure.

• 21:18Speaker 04

  When my mom and I were moving out of like my childhood apartment, um, my dad had a closet in their bedroom that in the 12 years that they had like been separated, they had, he hadn't come back to clean out. And my mom finally opens it when we're moving out, floor to ceiling, physical media pornography and a handgun.

• 21:35Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, hell yeah. That's awesome.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, for my dad, it was like the, the My Fair Lady soundtrack.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  Boxes of VHS.

• 21:45Stavros Halkias?

  And then like the numbers of widowed women in the neighborhood.

• 21:51Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, in, so, okay. So you, uh, but you've never, you didn't catch, you just found his gooning stash.

• 21:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I never caught my dad. He wasn't in the home that much, you know?

• 22:00Stavros Halkias?

  He wasn't around enough.

• 22:01Speaker 04

  I wasn't really, I wasn't really catching him slipping because there was no catch to be had.

• 22:04Stavros Halkias?

  I see. What, how old were you when he went to, moved to a studio apartment to focus on bleeping out?

• 22:10Speaker 03

  Wasn't he friends with like Kato Kaelin?

• 22:13Speaker 04

  No, my, I, I've described my dad as a Kato Kaelin type.

• 22:16Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  So my dad's friends when I was a child were like Andy Dick and like guys like that. So those, that was sort of his circle that I had to sort of grow up under the tutelage of, which.

• 22:25Stavros Halkias?

  It's really funny to, to not be a comedian, but socially be around them. That's a pathetic guy.

• 22:30Speaker 04

  He's never, he's never been more interested in me.

• 22:35Speaker 03

  So fuck.

• 22:36Speaker 04

  It's okay, Al. This is.

• 22:37Stavros Halkias?

  That's a word, you're a word.

• 22:39Speaker 04

  You're a word right now.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  What are you talking about? You guys are right, thanks. You, you have a lot of friends besides Stav.

• 22:46Stavros Halkias?

  It's really pathetic to be support staff for a successful comedian show and all your friends accidentally become fucking comedians. This episode is brought to you by Visible. The smartest upgrade this season isn't a new phone, it's a better wireless plan. Switch to Visible, the ultimate wireless hack. You get unlimited 5G data and unlimited hotspot powered by Verizon. We have Visible here at Stavvy Baby Enterprises. We love it. We just got a new assistant. She loves it. She's taking all our sushi orders. They're going through the Visible network brought to you by Verizon. It's fast, it's reliable, it's so sick. They sponsor the Stavvy's World hotline, as you know, and make it possible for us to help all our callers out. Oh my God, they're the best. Switch today at visible.com.

• 23:29Stavros Halkias?

  The Visible plan starts at $25 a month, or get the premium Visible Plus Pro plan and save $10 on your first month with promo code STAV. Terms apply.

• 23:40Speaker 06

  If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. Hi, I'm Sean Evans from Hot Ones and I want to tell you about YouTube Premium. It has offline downloads, so you can watch without Wi-Fi. Background play, so you can lock your phone and it still plays, baby. Oh, and it is completely ad-free. Yes, I said it, ad-free. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime.

• 24:10Speaker 04

  My dad has never been more interested in like my personhood than now that I'm like finding success in stand-up.

• 24:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, this is the most straightforward psychological shit of all time.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  It's so classic.

• 24:21Stavros Halkias?

  Which is like, let's get dad to pay attention to me, the only thing he ever paid attention to was comedy.

• 24:26Speaker 04

  Talk about my pussy on stage.

• 24:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was pussy to jack off to in comedy, so why not combine the two and do pussy jokes?

• 24:32Speaker 04

  Yep, exactly.

• 24:33Stavros Halkias?

  Some nice Freudian stuff we got here.

• 24:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's real delicious.

• 24:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Do you, uh, how about, okay, let's get Freudian with you, any alcoholic women you've tried to fix in your life?

• 24:43Speaker 04

  He's the alcoholic one.

• 24:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you're the alcoholic one?

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I became, I became an alcoholic.

• 24:47Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, nice.

• 24:48Speaker 03

  I've been sober for a few years.

• 24:49Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I was in, I was really into Adderall. I know that that doesn't sound that bad, but...

• 24:55Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, I get it.

• 24:56Speaker 04

  But he has tattoos all over his foot.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:58Speaker 04

  In a way that gives like...

• 24:59Speaker 03

  What do we got? I used to take Adderall.

• 25:01Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no!

• 25:01Speaker 04

  Flash that to the camera, point the toe.

• 25:03Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, that's crazy.

• 25:04Speaker 04

  Point the toe, honey, flash that to the camera.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:06Speaker 04

  There you go. The bottoms of your feet are like stark yellow.

• 25:09Stavros Halkias?

  Those are freakishly long, too.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  I used to walk around with no shoes a lot.

• 25:13Stavros Halkias?

  Ah, okay.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  But yeah, I would take like, uh, 160mg of Adderall.

• 25:17Stavros Halkias?

  That's too much, for sure.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Pretty normally. I used to have, I'd, I stutter, I have a speech impediment.

• 25:22Stavros Halkias?

  What?

• 25:24Speaker 03

  Holy shit!

• 25:27Speaker 03

  I used to have, I used to have like a normal one. I used to have like, a Porky Pig one.

• 25:32Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  But now I have like this thing that's really specifically annoying to have on a podcast, I'll have to...

• 25:36Stavros Halkias?

  No, you're fine, I'm fucking with you, you're totally fine. Porky the Pig would be funny, though.

• 25:42Speaker 03

  That's what I was like when I was a kid.

• 25:44Stavros Halkias?

  I used, oh, that's fun.

• 25:45Speaker 03

  I mean, hey, mama, mama, mom? Wake, wake up, mom.

• 25:48Stavros Halkias?

  Honestly, until like nine, it was probably, oh, yeah. Mama, mama, mama, I'm a little late for school again.

• 25:56Stavros Halkias?

  Sorry.

• 25:57Speaker 04

  He's back in the hole.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  I start crying.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Stutter reversed.

• 26:04Stavros Halkias?

  You just don't say anything the whole rest of the fucking episode. Uh, okay, yeah, I mean, Adderall definitely, I get, it is straight up meth and I did, I like it as well. I just am, I'm so, uh, I am so like, like it affects me so much that I just can't sleep, even if I've had like

• 26:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:22Stavros Halkias?

  10 milligrams, but the feeling, the first

• 26:26Speaker 03

  The chills.

• 26:27Stavros Halkias?

  The first hour that Adderall hits.

• 26:29Speaker 04

  I'm such a downer's girl, I really can't relate to this at all.

• 26:31Stavros Halkias?

  See, my problem is I like both and there's a real classic.

• 26:35Speaker 04

  But that makes you middle of the road, which is normal and you're totally normal and fine.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Doing alcohol and Adderall felt so good.

• 26:44Speaker 04

  Oh my God, he's hard.

• 26:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, no, I know exactly what you mean. For me, it was Adderall and weed.

• 26:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:49Stavros Halkias?

  Cause it's like, it would take, it would take away the, all the bad of each one, they kind of mellow it out. So when you hit it just right, you felt awesome.

• 26:56Speaker 04

  Have you ever tried three Ativan, two Benadryl, a hydroxazine and a glass of white wine?

• 27:03Stavros Halkias?

  I've never tried that.

• 27:04Speaker 03

  And then an alternative comedy show.

• 27:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a show with, uh, ram, uh, some rambling, not a lot of punchlines, you know?

• 27:13Speaker 04

  You know, I've done that. You know, I've done that on the world stages, uh.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  And then like I'm in the background and like.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  Please, the light went up, went on 10 minutes ago.

• 27:23Stavros Halkias?

  You've used your phone, you've used a flashlight you found.

• 27:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, at the front, there's a cane ushering me into the curtains.

• 27:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you text ready, fake a medical emergency, pretend to be having a seizure.

• 27:36Speaker 04

  And I'd be like, is this bitch having a seizure during my set?

• 27:40Speaker 03

  The night that, um, the, the night where we flushed the Xanax down the toilet, Ivy read an entire Vulture article.

• 27:48Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, nice.

• 27:49Speaker 04

  On stage. Vulture published a hit piece on me called, why do people hate this minor character actress from Monora?

• 27:55Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 27:55Speaker 04

  And, uh, I read the entire thing on stage, like 10 hours in withdrawal from Benzos. And then Jordan Jensen said, I seemed like I was playing up my autism.

• 28:04Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, okay. I remember this, Jordan told me about this. That was you, okay.

• 28:12Speaker 04

  She'll never forgive me. I met her that one night. It was a horrible impression. I was like eighty pounds. My skin was peeling off my body in sheets. I was balding. Like, I was so fucking... The withdrawals were so fucking nasty. I was like literally ten hours in withdrawal. And I tried to be so regular around Jordan because I'm such a big fan of hers.

• 28:30Stavros Halkias?

  She really failed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you definitely blew it in a major way, but that's all right. You'll be fine. The problem is like, you're like, no one... Like, what a twenty-year-old thinks, no one should get, no one should find out about that. You know what I mean?

• 28:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 28:45Stavros Halkias?

  Like, you're, you should be, like, you got successful in a way that I actually am like, I don't envy. I think it's a problem when people get, people paying attention early. For real. I'm, I'm serious.

• 28:57Stavros Halkias?

  No, like, I liked it. It's like, like, I, like, I was just in basements where no one gave a fuck until I was like twenty-seven. I get twenty, I was dumb as hell. So it's like, you're gonna, you're going through a lot of bullshit right now. And the fact that you're like, stop doing pills through this, and yeah. Are you gonna do some dumb shit like read an article and embarrass yourself in front of somebody you look up to? Sure. But you will, going, like, in a couple of years...

• 29:22Speaker 04

  Eight months ago. I'm really different now. A lot can change in eight months, Dolph Rose.

• 29:27Stavros Halkias?

  It actually can. That's a huge percentage of your life. Eight months is like...

• 29:31Speaker 04

  It's a lot. I haven't had that many eight months.

• 29:34Stavros Halkias?

  You really, you actually truly haven't. It's fucked up. Um, but you'll be, you'll be, it's just like, you're just gonna make a lot of dumbass mistakes for the next couple of years, but you're, you're gonna be better off for it. At twenty-five, you'll be kinda, you'll level out, whatever, you know, you'll get a regular haircut and everything will be good. Everything's gonna be all right.

• 29:53Speaker 04

  If only I could, like, take my bangs and put it on the top of your head.

• 29:56Stavros Halkias?

  We would make one good piece of hair. We would make one good hairstyle between us.

• 30:02Speaker 04

  We would make one beautiful, big woman.

• 30:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Oh, my god. Just the best secretary at an elementary school you've ever seen in your life.

• 30:12Speaker 03

  Get bangs.

• 30:14Stavros Halkias?

  I need the top. I need this part of your fucking hair for sure.

• 30:19Speaker 04

  But then what do I get?

• 30:20Stavros Halkias?

  Uh.

• 30:20Speaker 04

  A chance at a normal life?

• 30:22Stavros Halkias?

  You get the beautiful curls of the back.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  I don't know if I want some.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  She's on her way there.

• 30:27Speaker 04

  To what?

• 30:29Speaker 03

  Losing your hair.

• 30:30Speaker 04

  No. I was. Back when I was anorexic, yes, because I balding at the temples. Absolutely. Has it largely grown back? I would say so.

• 30:39Stavros Halkias?

  Nice. Good for you.

• 30:40Speaker 04

  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

• 30:42Stavros Halkias?

  We're, yeah, we're, we're big fans of not balding due to malnutrition around here.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  I'm a big fan of it as well. I've grown into, into loving it.

• 30:50Stavros Halkias?

  Love it. Hell, yeah.

• 30:51Speaker 04

  I was ready to be bald and sixty pounds and just like aimlessly padding down the street. I was, I was about to love that life.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  You're, you're doing the opposite.

• 30:59Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  You're trying to eat, you're trying to eat more to re-grow your hair.

• 31:02Stavros Halkias?

  I'm getting every fucking vitamin you're telling me. I'm getting a thousand percent of all of it.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  When did you start losing your hair?

• 31:09Stavros Halkias?

  Young, honestly. Honestly, when I was like twenty.

• 31:12Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 31:12Stavros Halkias?

  And I went buzz cut. I went buzz cut, which I think at the time was a good move because no one had like the, no one would go buzz. And you couldn't tell I was balding and a buzz at that time. And now I switch because now at thirty-five.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  Writing this down.

• 31:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. Once, once you're ready to stop, you know, to have, stop having a soft dick for finasteride reasons, just for aging reasons.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  But doesn't his hair look good?

• 31:34Stavros Halkias?

  It does look good. It does look really good.

• 31:35Speaker 04

  His hair looks really good.

• 31:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, for real. The hairline's not, I'm not kidding.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  So much today.

• 31:39Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, like, don't get me wrong. It's like, it's, you're, it's like barely good hair, but it is good.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 31:46Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean?

• 31:47Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 31:47Stavros Halkias?

  No, but you know what I mean? It's like, it counts as good. I'm not like that.

• 31:50Speaker 03

  I am, uh, about to shave my head.

• 31:52Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, really? Why?

• 31:54Speaker 04

  Please.

• 31:54Stavros Halkias?

  Why? No, for real. The hair is good.

• 31:56Speaker 03

  I like it. I don't know.

• 31:57Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you want to do it as a look? If you want to do it as a look.

• 31:59Speaker 04

  Your head is triangular.

• 32:02Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, dude, you're not, you don't have to, you don't have to fucking shave your shit.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  I look like an ice cream con when I shave my head.

• 32:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you do seem like you have a very.

• 32:09Speaker 04

  It's just like it's sort of slopes down.

• 32:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. No, no, no, you don't, I don't think you should do that for real.

• 32:14Speaker 04

  I really don't. Thank you, Doc.

• 32:15Stavros Halkias?

  You have good hair. It's also hot as shit in here. You fucking get a comb, you get comb that shit nice, you'll be fine.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  I am so sweaty at this point.

• 32:22Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, no, we're fucked. We're fucked so bad.

• 32:24Speaker 04

  Is it just for sound purposes that there can be no AC in here?

• 32:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, the A- Aldous is too bad at his job to learn how to get AC out of production. We've already discovered.

• 32:32Speaker 03

  I'm not installing HVAC in here. I'll be in black mold if I open these, this building's walls up.

• 32:39Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, I started fucking going bald early. And then it was like, but it felt it felt good to get ahead of it. And then it's like. Nah, I just feel like in your mid thirties, when you get a buzz cut, everybody knows what the deal is.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I don't want to do hats.

• 32:51Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 32:52Speaker 04

  No, please don't be a hat guy. I know so many fucking hat guys.

• 32:54Stavros Halkias?

  I hate that. I've actually, I stayed away from hats because I was like, I will not. I will face this head on. I will not be a coward. But now that I think I've proven I have no problem being very publicly bald.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  Right.

• 33:05Stavros Halkias?

  Like the years I was on TV the most in my life, the years I was the most photographed, I was the fattest and the baldest. It's like the exact opposite.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  What was that, like six months ago?

• 33:13Stavros Halkias?

  That was literally, that was literally a year and a half ago. Yes, I was like three fifty and just like. So I felt like I was, I was like, Jesus Christ, like. The fact that I can look at a picture now and be like, Jesus. Bad sign. You know what I mean? Like. Um, and but now I feel like I've been publicly bald enough. I don't feel like it's a cop out to wear a hat. I've, I've gone back to me like, everyone, I'm not hiding anything. No, I'm not gonna take my hat off and someone's gonna be like, what the hell? I mean, when you have, when you already have dumb, long hair like this, it's like, it's not, it wouldn't even be good if I took the hat off.

• 33:45Speaker 04

  I am confused as to how it grows in the back, but not up top or front.

• 33:49Stavros Halkias?

  You and me both, sister. You and me both. I would love a nice, luscious, luscious curls.

• 33:53Speaker 04

  Have you tried like maybe scooping from the back and pushing over?

• 33:56Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, I've thought about a co- going comb over for a while. That would be pretty funny.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  So crazy.

• 34:00Stavros Halkias?

  I think there will be an era of my life where I go seventies comb over. I have a lot of ideas.

• 34:05Speaker 04

  That's the era of your life when you start fucking girls that are thirteen?

• 34:07Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I don't know about thirteen, but what if I'm in kind of like a your boyfriend situation, you know? Give me three more years, you know, and I'll be kind of doing that.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  It'd be so funny for you to pretend you got a hair transplant.

• 34:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 34:18Speaker 03

  And just have a really ugly combo.

• 34:21Speaker 04

  You should start wearing wigs. Why don't you wear wigs?

• 34:23Stavros Halkias?

  Wigs, I'm definitely gonna go wigs at some point.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  You should get a weave.

• 34:26Stavros Halkias?

  So right now.

• 34:27Speaker 04

  No, there's nothing to sew it to, actually.

• 34:29Stavros Halkias?

  You could probably figure it out. We've got a really great, we've got really great technicians on.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  It would have to be a lace front glue down.

• 34:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I could do that one where the, they shave this and they give you like.

• 34:39Speaker 04

  A toupee on top.

• 34:40Stavros Halkias?

  A toupee on top, a really expensive toupee. Basically, I'll walk you guys through it, because I've thought about this a lot. I gotta get the pony a little longer, and I gotta have a really nice bald pony for about one season. You know, like, it's pretty close. I, I thought I had it last summer and I had to cut my hair.

• 34:57Speaker 04

  Why'd you have to cut it?

• 34:57Stavros Halkias?

  I was, I would play, like, I played a role where it made no sense to have dumb, long hair like this. I, uh, and I, I fought too. I was like, come on.

• 35:05Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:06Stavros Halkias?

  Come on.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  It's okay. They've made me shave my armpits on a bunch of things, so I get it.

• 35:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you get, you absolutely get it. We both had to betray who we really were for, uh, for art. But, uh, I'm gonna go bald pony, classic bald pony, kinda right in the middle of my back. And then I might dye it blonde.

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, and then I'll, and then I will cut it short as hell, have like a little Tony Soprano situation. And then I will go wigs for a while.

• 35:33Speaker 03

  That is so smart.

• 35:34Stavros Halkias?

  Thank you, man. You've gotta do that. Thank you, Nick.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  I think that, I think you should be able to dye your hair in your thirties, and it's not a cry for help or anything like that.

• 35:44Stavros Halkias?

  It's been planned for a while.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 35:46Stavros Halkias?

  I just have to get the big, long pony for a while, you know?

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:49Stavros Halkias?

  I also have a big dream to play, uh, an, an eighties action guy with a bald pony. So that's why I kinda wanna like, have a proof of concept.

• 35:57Speaker 04

  Like a Steven Seagal type thing?

• 35:59Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly, exactly. Seagal's a big inspiration of mine in many ways, and so I wanna have that going.

• 36:04Speaker 04

  I've always said that you were a little Asian.

• 36:06Stavros Halkias?

  Thank you, yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Every time I see him, I'm like, I wish he were more bald.

• 36:10Stavros Halkias?

  I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish he just let it go a little more. I wish he was fatter and had even less martial arts knowledge.

• 36:17Speaker 04

  Elvis has a good, solid hairline.

• 36:18Stavros Halkias?

  He does, he does.

• 36:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, thank you, thank you.

• 36:21Stavros Halkias?

  Elvis has been blessed with a lot genetically, and, you know, it's because he could never stand what I, the, the burdens I live with, Elvis would crumble under.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  Big skull don't sound so bad now, does it, Chris?

• 36:32Stavros Halkias?

  You're, you would be so fucked if you were five, seven and bald. Your life would be horrible.

• 36:37Speaker 03

  Nah, I'd be all right. My life is horrible still, though. So it's all yourselfing that much.

• 36:44Stavros Halkias?

  I know, it'd be worse.

• 36:47Stavros Halkias?

  I'd be like, look, I can't have a guy that looks exactly like me hanging around, man. It's bad for the vibes of the company.

• 36:52Speaker 04

  Oh, it would be cute. It would be like Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

• 36:54Stavros Halkias?

  No, we actually, yeah, that actually would be funny. I mean, you're not far off.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Well, I'm, I'm, I'm felt, you know.

• 37:03Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right. You're not fat at all. That's so true.

• 37:06Speaker 04

  I have a question. Have you guys like ever explored each other's bodies?

• 37:10Stavros Halkias?

  No, we have not.

• 37:12Speaker 04

  You've never done no gay shit on each other?

• 37:14Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 37:14Speaker 03

  We've, we've shown our dicks a lot, but.

• 37:17Stavros Halkias?

  What's that?

• 37:17Speaker 03

  We've shown our dicks to each other.

• 37:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 37:20Speaker 04

  Jacked off in the same room?

• 37:22Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:22Stavros Halkias?

  Not same room, no.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  Not that interested in that type of shit.

• 37:25Stavros Halkias?

  That doesn't sound cool to me. Yeah. Sorry.

• 37:28Speaker 04

  It's never too late to start.

• 37:29Stavros Halkias?

  I think it's over for us.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  We've like heard each other fuck.

• 37:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we were roommates in this, we were roommates in this house a lot. Have you ever heard each other jack off?

• 37:37Speaker 03

  Ah, no.

• 37:38Speaker 04

  Is it always that loud?

• 37:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I don't really, I don't think it's loud. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, we've definitely, we def, there were, there were years where I knew Elders' exact fuck BPM. Like, we lived in this apartment with a bunch of other people, so whenever anybody fucked, you could really tell.

• 37:53Speaker 04

  Is he a slow stroker? How he do it?

• 37:55Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no. Elders is fucking, he has no endurance. Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  Anxious.

• 38:00Stavros Halkias?

  Off rhythm and fast.

• 38:03Speaker 04

  I just felt my IUD shit.

• 38:07Speaker 04

  It just punctured my liver.

• 38:10Stavros Halkias?

  Well, it punctured the very opening of your vagina. I don't know about your liver. I think that's as far as Elders could possibly get there. Um, yeah, that's. Who's, uh, bigger? Do you know? We have the same sized dick, which is a real problem for him. Yeah, that sucks. Because he's six, five.

• 38:29Speaker 03

  That's where the.

• 38:29Stavros Halkias?

  I like you, Elders. Tall and little nation.

• 38:32Speaker 04

  I feel like you're like a brother to me or like a father to me.

• 38:35Speaker 03

  Thanks, guys.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  Thanks for backing me up here.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  I did, I did hear Stav get sucked off once when we were on tour.

• 38:47Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, right.

• 38:48Speaker 03

  Airbnb.

• 38:49Stavros Halkias?

  And the rooms didn't have, my, my room didn't have like a, it was like a fake room, so the ceiling.

• 38:56Speaker 04

  Oh, like a loft type thing?

• 38:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 38:57Speaker 03

  I had to retreat to like my room for the evening with like two bottles of water.

• 39:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Not be around.

• 39:04Stavros Halkias?

  There was, you know.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  Just lay back and smile.

• 39:06Stavros Halkias?

  There was, there's some Airbnb's where it's like, alright, Eldis, get, get your snacks, get, you know, use the bathroom. Cause I'm going to need.

• 39:15Speaker 03

  Let me just grab a yogurt, a protein bar and a banana for the night.

• 39:18Speaker 04

  A bucket to shit in.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  A Gatorade.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  A towel.

• 39:24Stavros Halkias?

  That is true, that is true. So you gotta pre, yeah, that, I guess that's the most intimate, that's, we, you, I guess technically breathed the air that I was getting sucked off in.

• 39:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. I have a question, Stav.

• 39:35Stavros Halkias?

  Please.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  How do you meet women after shows?

• 39:38Stavros Halkias?

  Um, I'd usually just through the internet, through like a DM situation or something like that.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  So like they DM you, you DM them?

• 39:45Stavros Halkias?

  They'll DM me, yeah.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  And then you're like, meet me at the hotel room, you meet at a bar?

• 39:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I used to, I used to like go out for, or like when I was like partying more after shows, I would just like go hang out and whatever, you know, just try and have a good time, but like, it's just fucking annoying now to like try and, I'm also trying to be so, I was trying to be sober on the road, um, and so just going out to bar, and then you would just inevitably be out too late. So it's kind of become a, a, uh, or like somebody will DM you ahead of time and you'll strike up an actual conversation, but I also, I will fuck, like at first it's like so cool that anybody wants to fuck you, you're like, yes, just fuck, but now I'm just like, unless somebody's really.

• 40:25Speaker 03

  I don't give a fuck.

• 40:26Stavros Halkias?

  I really unfortunately have gotten, you know, I am getting older where I'm like, ah.

• 40:30Speaker 04

  I wish I had the privilege of not being totally mystified by, um, the prospect of sex. It to me actually is like if somebody wants to fuck me, I'm like, okay, so basically you're gonna rape me and gut me and leave me in the alley, like to me it's truly frightening.

• 40:43Stavros Halkias?

  And what is, yeah, what the fuck is going on here?

• 40:46Speaker 03

  Me and Ivy, me and Ivy, we both like leave our. Bodies during sex, but she doesn't have any and I have way too much.

• 40:53Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay.

• 40:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, basically. That's like we're kind of each other's yin and yang.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  But now I have a girlfriend, so I don't do that.

• 40:58Speaker 04

  And I'm in a situationship with an older man and he did come inside of me. So we're all growing and learning.

• 41:04Speaker 03

  So Ivy's married.

• 41:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, that's true.

• 41:07Speaker 04

  The one time I had sex with somebody after a show, who like approached me after a show, it was like this really hot guy who was like an ex-male model, who used to be gay but swears he isn't anymore after his boyfriend died of a fentanyl overdose.

• 41:19Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:20Stavros Halkias?

  That was God telling him, "Don't be gay." Thunderbolt on his boyfriend.

• 41:25Speaker 04

  And then he turned out to be like a rapist and a stalker and multiple women have restraining orders out against him because he followed them across multiple states. So that's kind of who wants a bite of the cookie after I get offstage. It's not really like a comedy club waitress who's like trying to make a name for herself in a small town.

• 41:42Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure, sure. I never fucked a waitress, by the way.

• 41:45Speaker 04

  I'm not really at like the boner hut chuckle fuck factory like in Toledo, kind of getting a girl pregnant.

• 41:51Speaker 03

  I would love to see you do some time at a Toledo comedy club.

• 41:56Stavros Halkias?

  I would love to watch that. That is tough. Those places are brutal.

• 41:59Speaker 04

  I don't think it would go, I mean even Atlanta didn't take kindly to me.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  Where'd you go? Where were you in Atlanta?

• 42:04Speaker 04

  I went up at the Laugh and School Lounge and I came out on stage, it was the day the Playboy Carti album came out and I went, "Y'all, this new Playboy Carti got me feeling like a rapist." And um, and then it was silent in there and I said, "Do you guys know who Playboy Carti is?"

• 42:17Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that was the problem.

• 42:20Speaker 04

  But it's his hometown. I thought it would be a hometown hero thing.

• 42:24Stavros Halkias?

  Hey, it got me in Eldis. That was a good opening line.

• 42:27Speaker 03

  Ivy did the uh, the comedy attic and after the weekend she was like, "People in Indiana, they don't really laugh."

• 42:36Speaker 03

  She was like, "They're not, people in Indiana, they're not laughers."

• 42:39Stavros Halkias?

  A lot of America is kind of not big laughers, it turns out.

• 42:43Speaker 04

  A lot of Manhattan and Brooklyn really don't really laugh.

• 42:46Speaker 03

  For some reason, the only people that laugh, it's like Union Hall.

• 42:52Stavros Halkias?

  When I've posted a story about the show.

• 42:56Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking hilarious. So what, interesting. And then what's your, you were just, when you were just out sucking and fucking a bunch?

• 43:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:02Stavros Halkias?

  You were just, what? Cause you were drunk? You were just at bars? Or what are we talking?

• 43:06Speaker 03

  No, this was like kind of after I was sober.

• 43:09Speaker 04

  Right.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Kind of still trying to fill the hole.

• 43:12Stavros Halkias?

  Of course. And that's really what it is.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. With people with septum piercings.

• 43:17Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 43:18Speaker 04

  Fans of mine.

• 43:19Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's actually, oh, I see what's going on here. That actually is.

• 43:22Speaker 04

  I'm the Galen of the day, man.

• 43:25Stavros Halkias?

  Hey, maybe we do a one-off, Ivy. What do you say?

• 43:29Speaker 03

  Throw a photo of me on your story.

• 43:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, make sure you post about this.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  Just at me.

• 43:35Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting. That actually makes a lot of sense.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  Show at the Pratt Institute?

• 43:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 43:40Speaker 03

  Maybe I hope it.

• 43:41Speaker 04

  You doing your hour at Parsons? The school of design?

• 43:45Speaker 03

  One time, one time a fan of Ivy's came over to my apartment and she had a self-harm wound.

• 43:50Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no, dude. Not the scar. Not the scar.

• 43:55Speaker 03

  Wound.

• 43:56Speaker 04

  That's my girl.

• 43:57Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, God.

• 43:58Speaker 04

  That's my fucking girl. And you know she don't play about me.

• 44:02Stavros Halkias?

  And you were like?

• 44:03Speaker 04

  And until the day she kills herself or succumbs to anorexia, she's gonna be screaming my name in the streets, okay? My fans don't fucking give up on a bitch like me.

• 44:11Stavros Halkias?

  That's right. And it goes like, alright, well, listen, I have a couple bandages. We got, we're gonna get the peroxide.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  I was like, let's never see each other after like maybe an hour from now.

• 44:24Stavros Halkias?

  Thirty minutes from now, I am gonna be like, what the hell was that about?

• 44:27Speaker 03

  I'm gonna unfollow. I'll check the story sometime.

• 44:31Speaker 04

  Once your blood drips from your thigh onto the bridge of my nose.

• 44:36Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, beautiful. What a beauti- what youth is so beautiful.

• 44:41Speaker 04

  He's gonna be thirty soon.

• 44:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. The tail end of youth is so beautiful. That was, you know, that was my, that was exact- I mean, that's, it's ve- it's arrested development for sure. Cause I was, that's the same shit for me. Like, I mean, I still sort of, now it's, I'm like, what am I doing?

• 44:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, are you still hoeing?

• 44:59Stavros Halkias?

  Lightly, I guess, just because I just haven't lived anywhere in a while. So it's like it's kind of hard to not when to have anything serious, you know? And also it's just your old habits die hard, you know, just like this is nice.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  Right, yeah, there's never been a comedian who's in a relationship.

• 45:16Stavros Halkias?

  It's never, it's never happened.

• 45:18Speaker 04

  That's never met one, ever.

• 45:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:21Speaker 03

  No, but it's awesome.

• 45:22Stavros Halkias?

  It is also, the other part is that it's awesome.

• 45:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:26Stavros Halkias?

  It is cool to see new titties. That's kind of one of my favorite parts of life.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:30Stavros Halkias?

  But also love is important, too.

• 45:33Speaker 03

  One of the reasons I had to stop is I kept thinking it meant I was successful at comedy.

• 45:37Stavros Halkias?

  Oh.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? That I was sleeping with women.

• 45:40Stavros Halkias?

  That's different. I mean, that's insane. That's just a different problem.

• 45:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:46Stavros Halkias?

  No, for me, it was like, the whole for me is so clearly like, oh, five fuck enough girls. I wasn't a loser when I was a child, you know what I mean?

• 45:54Speaker 03

  My penis was hard every time.

• 45:55Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  If I sleep with enough women.

• 45:58Stavros Halkias?

  That's, we're not. I have no, that is not something that factors into my calculus.

• 46:04Speaker 04

  Do you not have boner issues?

• 46:05Stavros Halkias?

  I do. I'm saying I do so much that that doesn't matter to me.

• 46:09Speaker 04

  Oh, I understand.

• 46:09Stavros Halkias?

  My dick's hard maybe half the time.

• 46:11Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 46:12Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean?

• 46:13Speaker 03

  I just want to say, hearing, this is, hearing you talk about not getting an erection.

• 46:17Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  Early in my life.

• 46:19Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:19Speaker 03

  It was like, it changed my life. It was like, I felt like.

• 46:24Stavros Halkias?

  This means a lot, because I've heard it from a lot of fat boys. But about like you talking about being fat and getting pussy has been important for me. But I've never heard about a healthy man talking about it.

• 46:35Speaker 03

  It was like, it felt like gender euphoria.

• 46:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude, you don't need to get hard.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  A dress for the first time.

• 46:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude, I'm your Eddie, I'm your not getting hard Eddie Izzard.

• 46:50Speaker 04

  You put the wig on.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  I'm not alone. My whole life makes sense.

• 46:54Stavros Halkias?

  Well, look, I don't think we've ever had two more qualified people to give advice on the podcast. So, you know, I think it's time.

• 47:00Speaker 04

  We are actually really wise, both of us.

• 47:02Stavros Halkias?

  I, I, I believe it. Let's find out about it right now.

• 47:05Speaker 03

  Okay, I have one more thing I want to say.

• 47:07Stavros Halkias?

  Please.

• 47:07Speaker 03

  It's kind of gay.

• 47:08Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  I've called into the show before.

• 47:11Stavros Halkias?

  Whoa.

• 47:12Speaker 03

  And you've answered my question.

• 47:13Stavros Halkias?

  Get the fuck out of here.

• 47:15Speaker 04

  Longest phone call ever.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, it's the one with a lot of long breaks.

• 47:20Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  No, it was, uh, it was about my, I said, my friend's a comedian and he keeps talking about wanting to fuck my girlfriend.

• 47:27Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  It was on the, uh, the Carmen Lynch episode.

• 47:30Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, shit. Holy fuck.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  I didn't say that I was a comedian because I thought you would never answer the question.

• 47:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you're probably right. You're absolutely right.

• 47:38Speaker 04

  Look how far we've come.

• 47:40Stavros Halkias?

  That's beautiful.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  You answer the question, you're like, you're a bitch, you're a huge pussy.

• 47:43Stavros Halkias?

  Really?

• 47:45Stavros Halkias?

  And we were right.

• 47:46Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 47:48Stavros Halkias?

  Did it help at all?

• 47:49Speaker 03

  Um, well, I was just like, hey, can you stop doing that? And then I felt gay, but he did stop, but now it's sort of weird between us.

• 47:54Stavros Halkias?

  Well, no, he is a piece of shit though, too. It's also like bizarre to like, yeah, I mean, I think, uh, you are a bitch for not being like, shut the fuck up, dude. What the fuck are you doing?

• 48:03Speaker 03

  But it's just so gay to like, say to your friend, like, hey, man, like, that's not funny.

• 48:07Stavros Halkias?

  No, it's not. He just think it's not though. That's the other thing comedians have a problem with is like, we don't have some weird invisibility cloak. Or like some kind of like Mario star for not for, um, like being a human being. If some, if you weren't a comedian and some guy at your office was talking about wanting to fuck your girlfriend.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  I'm on a call right now. I called in and you're answering my call.

• 48:29Stavros Halkias?

  But that, but like, I do, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, it's the truth where I'm like, comedian, like, it's, it's a big problem where it's like, no, man, we're just, in fact, we're less important than regular people. We're bigger pieces of shit who like, I give less the benefit of the doubt. Like if some guy just made a little offhand comment, I bet you that guy does want to fuck your girlfriend.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:50Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean? And it's like.

• 48:51Speaker 03

  Would not be able to.

• 48:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And that's important. And it's just like, shut the fuck up. And if he's not able to, then you remind him of that. If he wants to play that game, then it's like, all right, time to fuck you up.

• 49:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:04Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean?

• 49:05Speaker 03

  If he was like, hey, man, I want to fuck your girlfriend. I was like, you're a worm.

• 49:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, for real. You're a piece of shit. You couldn't fuck her. Are you out of your mind?

• 49:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:13Stavros Halkias?

  Which is good. That's good to feel that way. Cause it's worse to be like, he could fuck my girlfriend and live in fear. You know what I mean?

• 49:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:20Stavros Halkias?

  That it, that could possibly happen. Anyway.

• 49:23Speaker 03

  This is, this is the first and Lord willing, the last time a caller sits in on an episode. That was very vulnerable for me to admit.

• 49:30Stavros Halkias?

  No, that's awesome. I respect that, man. This will probably not happen to you, but keep calling in, folks.

• 49:37Stavros Halkias?

  But thanks for calling in, actually. That was awesome. That was a good call.

• 49:40Speaker 03

  I won a contest. That's why I'm here.

• 49:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  That's a make a wish. Dying stutter.

• 49:47Speaker 07

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• 50:16Speaker 09

  Hey Richmond, Mark Smith, Midas Richmond, 2026. We have been doing what we do for 29 years. Total car care, total community care. In 2026, we are donating $365,000. A thousand dollars a day for the nonprofits we've historically supported. Gooch and Care, Shalom Farms, St. Joseph's Villa, Ask, the Colonial Heights Food Pantry, everybody we've helped over the years. These are important things making a big impact in our society right now. Total car care, total community care. That is Midas of Richmond.

• 50:48Speaker 10

  Hey, Stav, I love the podcast. I found you through Caleb Heron. Hell, yeah. Anyways, I listen every Monday now. Anyways, I'm calling because I'm gay. Yay! And I am in an open relationship with my boyfriend. Nice. He totally allows me to see whoever I want sexually. Nice. However, I live in DC and you probably know that a lot of gay men have the stereotype of being pretty promiscuous. Yeah, they're stereotyped. We have new medicine called PrEP. It's like, that's not that new anymore, but it prevents HIV and, you know, we also have Toxipet, which is... Just antibiotics gays take after having unprotected sex to get to prevent the rest of the SBDs.

• 51:32Speaker 03

  It's just a PSA.

• 51:33Stavros Halkias?

  Plan B for not getting.

• 51:34Speaker 10

  I'm not on either of those, nor do I intend to get on those. However, I would like to have more fun. Uh, outside my relationship. But I'm having a really hard time finding partners on the apps that are willing to have sex with a condom.

• 51:47Stavros Halkias?

  What?

• 51:48Speaker 10

  It's gotten to the point where I've had plans to meet up with multiple.

• 51:54Stavros Halkias?

  What the fuck? I was gonna be like, nah, we're not. What am I, a fucking pussy?

• 51:59Speaker 03

  And why won't he just? Take the pill?

• 52:02Speaker 04

  Cause that's gay.

• 52:03Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, I don't know. That's a good, that's also a good question. But also you can get shit other than AIDS.

• 52:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, totally.

• 52:10Stavros Halkias?

  Like, I don't, fuck, cause get, you know, like.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  It's like how when everybody gets the flu nowadays, they think it's COVID and it's like, other stuff still exists, bruh.

• 52:18Stavros Halkias?

  It's still out there. You could still, you could, I don't think it's a crazy idea to put a condom on when you fuck a complete stranger. But anyway. Sorry.

• 52:26Speaker 10

  It's gotten to the point where I've had plans to meet up with multiple guys, uh, and I'm versed. You know, uh, and, uh, I've had plans to meet up with multiple guys. And they've canceled because they found out that I prefer to use condoms.

• 52:41Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, how did they find out?

• 52:43Speaker 03

  It's crazy to have to say you want to use a condom before you meet up with somebody.

• 52:48Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking awesome.

• 52:50Speaker 03

  Like, he doesn't want to bring it up on the date and make it awkward.

• 52:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, like he has herpes. He's like, look, uh, this is weird, but I like to wear condoms. Like, uh.

• 53:00Speaker 10

  What advice do you have on this? It's really wild and I just, I'm at the, I'm at the point where I'm just like extremely frustrated. I feel like this was never a problem. When I was growing up, I'm thirty-five, uh, but now I have press and pepper.

• 53:14Speaker 04

  West End, you guys are.

• 53:16Speaker 10

  I feel like nobody's willing to wear a condom when they're in sex and.

• 53:19Stavros Halkias?

  This is crazy.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's like, when I was sixteen, no one wore a condom.

• 53:24Speaker 10

  I'm not willing to take a medicine. Good medicine. I just. Wouldn't be willing to have sex without a condom anyway.

• 53:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, respect.

• 53:33Speaker 10

  I'd appreciate any advice you can give me and. You know, maybe I should just have some patience, but. Been a few months since I've had any kind of action, uh, besides my boyfriend, which is great.

• 53:44Stavros Halkias?

  Again, I love gay guys, man. Truly.

• 53:47Speaker 10

  Anyways.

• 53:47Stavros Halkias?

  Respect. Salute, man.

• 53:49Speaker 10

  Appreciate your advice. Thanks.

• 53:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 53:52Speaker 03

  This is like, it's like, um, speaking to like an immigrant from another culture. So I just have no idea.

• 53:59Speaker 04

  Well, I understand, I understand gay guys really well. They kind of flock to me sort of naturally. Because they think I'm like always on the brink of death and they want to idolize me before I pass. So I understand, um, to this man, okay, so his, his, his problem is uh, other gays don't want to do condom sex because, but he won't get on the medication, the preventative medication.

• 54:20Stavros Halkias?

  I think the medic, I don't think the, he's saying, medication or not, he would wear condoms, right? He's just explaining to us straights, why everyone's raw dogging. He's basically saying since the advent of prep.

• 54:33Speaker 04

  Of the pills, gay guys are like, I'm using a condom.

• 54:36Stavros Halkias?

  So he's now living in a post-prep, anti-condom, gay sex world, but he is still a condom guy. And basically, he's, it really boils down to, how do I get people to wear condoms while fucking me?

• 54:49Speaker 04

  I have a suggestion.

• 54:50Speaker 03

  I also have a suggestion.

• 54:51Stavros Halkias?

  Please.

• 54:51Speaker 04

  Allow me. So gay guys are dirty dogs. We know this, right? And they're fetishists and they love to make anything kind of dirty and nasty in order to fuck it. Why don't you spin the condom thing into like, this is so bad of us, this is so disgusting of us. We're so disgusting. I'm a nasty, fat, little condom pig coming in my condom.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's like, I have AIDS.

• 55:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, because there are, there are gay guys called bug chasers who are guys that seek out HIV. So there's something in the gay community for everybody. Why don't you spin it so that the condom is like the dirty, nasty kind of prophylactic tool? And so that it's just another kind of sexual instrument or additive that can make the entire sexual experience dirtier, nastier, harder, rawer, gayer, sweatier, et cetera.

• 55:40Stavros Halkias?

  I think you're on to something. I think the pro, I think he has to make it ve, he has to really focus on the condom. I think he has to invent a new fetish that's drinking jizz out of the condom.

• 55:49Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 55:50Stavros Halkias?

  Because I think as a, as an abstract thought, the condom being a fetish doesn't quite work because at the end of the day, it still feels better to fuck someone's ass without a condom on? And you need to make.

• 56:01Speaker 04

  How do you know?

• 56:02Speaker 03

  Wait a minute, but he said he's verse, right?

• 56:04Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I'm, you know, I know, I've done a little experimentation in my day.

• 56:08Speaker 04

  With guys?

• 56:08Stavros Halkias?

  No, with, with, I fucked women in the ass.

• 56:10Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 56:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, women have, women have asses too.

• 56:13Speaker 04

  I totally forgot. I've been shitting out of my cunt for years.

• 56:18Stavros Halkias?

  You got, it's really bad for it. You gotta stop doing that.

• 56:21Speaker 04

  Damn, that's why I'm itchy.

• 56:23Stavros Halkias?

  You gotta stop shitting out of your pussy. So I would, I think, yeah, maybe be like I'm a, I love a big jizz smoothie coming out of that Trojan or something like that. Uh, that's, but I like where your head's at. That's fun, spinning it. Nick, what do you got?

• 56:38Speaker 03

  He said that he's versed, right? So that means that he can't even find someone who wants to get fucked with a condom.

• 56:45Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  Right?

• 56:46Stavros Halkias?

  That's crazy.

• 56:46Speaker 03

  That's weird.

• 56:47Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 56:48Speaker 03

  What if he got on like a, like an app for people with herpes?

• 56:52Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 56:53Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 56:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 56:54Speaker 03

  There's probably, and then you're like, I don't have it, but I like, I'm really into the idea of maybe getting herpes.

• 56:59Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting. You gotta, yeah, you have to seek out people with gonorrhea, with herpes. The only people that, the only gay guys that'll.

• 57:05Speaker 04

  There's Reddit groups for all of these things.

• 57:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 57:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. Absolutely. Can you not find one guy besides your boyfriend?

• 57:10Speaker 04

  I mean, I feel like he's not trying hard enough.

• 57:11Stavros Halkias?

  I agree. I think ultimately.

• 57:13Speaker 04

  This is bitch made.

• 57:14Stavros Halkias?

  Ultimately, I agree. It's a, it's, it's also a thing where, look, you have to lead with this now. It's weird that you have to, but like gay guys, like especially on like fuck apps, it's not, they're just like, I like this very specific thing. Leave nothing to the, like, this is a bad screening process. Because you, these guys, look, I agree with you. They should fuck you and get fucked by you with a condom, but that's not what they're into. So you have to be like, I'm a condom guy. Like you have to, before you meet up, all this can take place in, within Grindr.

• 57:48Speaker 04

  Put it in the bio.

• 57:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, put it in the bio, literally like.

• 57:50Speaker 04

  Screening process, just work it out, work harder.

• 57:52Stavros Halkias?

  I think that's all it is. It's screening and that means you're gonna get less hits, but the hits you do get, you get to fuck them actually. So, that's all, brother. I think that's pretty much it. Uh, I think you'll be fucking some guy's ass that's not your boyfriend in no time.

• 58:05Speaker 04

  Gay guys are so easy. It'll be easy for you. Just put some elbow grease into it and you'll be just fine.

• 58:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Yeah. We believe in you.

• 58:12Speaker 04

  Gay guys would fuck monkeys and ants and rats.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  Fuck a girl, maybe.

• 58:17Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Ooh, that looks like a crazy. Keep them over there. I don't want ripped guys. I don't want fucking sexually, you know.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Those DC gay guys, you know they're fucking ripped.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  Sexy gay guys isn't bad.

• 58:30Speaker 04

  It's actually like pretty good.

• 58:33Speaker 04

  I've had some good sex with homosexuals.

• 58:35Speaker 03

  Didn't you just say he almost got like raped?

• 58:38Speaker 04

  No, he raped other people, not me. He used my name to later sexually assault other women.

• 58:43Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 58:44Speaker 04

  By proximity to me, he kind of clout chase raped other women, but I made it out alive. Cause I'm the chosen one, but also extremely unlucky.

• 58:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. So now how many other, how many gay guys have you had sex with, would you say?

• 58:58Speaker 04

  Okay, well, okay. So in college, I fucked a, a white guy from Atlanta who was like a fake bisexual, but he was like working on it. I don't have any updates on that yet.

• 59:08Stavros Halkias?

  When you say fake bisexual, you mean he was gay?

• 59:10Speaker 04

  He was only fucking pussy and then I think he was like looking at men on Tinder and then like trying to get himself there, but ultimately, um, you know.

• 59:19Stavros Halkias?

  He's from Atlanta, he could be that religious repressed.

• 59:22Speaker 04

  DL, hashtag DL.

• 59:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's a lot of gay guys in Atlanta, right?

• 59:25Speaker 04

  Yes. Oh, honey, yes. The guy that I lost my virginity to was trans in college and then went back around the time I met him. So that's kind of gay.

• 59:33Stavros Halkias?

  Back to being a girl?

• 59:34Speaker 04

  Back to being a boy. So that's like detrans. So that's kind of gay adjacent.

• 59:39Speaker 03

  So zero so far.

• 59:40Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, yeah, so far no.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  No, but then the guy, the, the gay rapist that I fucked was gay, but then swore he wasn't after the fentanyl death.

• 59:46Stavros Halkias?

  But then he, it was women that he was assaulting?

• 59:48Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 59:49Stavros Halkias?

  A lot of straight, mostly straight gay guys is what I'm hearing right now.

• 59:53Speaker 04

  But he was getting fucked in the ass by a guy who's now dead for like five years.

• 59:56Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, so but, sounds like two bisexuals and a detransitioners so far is what I've heard.

• 1:00:00Speaker 04

  That, three plus three equals gay. That all adds up to one homosexual man.

• 1:00:06Stavros Halkias?

  All right, I'll give you one. All right.

• 1:00:07Speaker 04

  So I've had okay sex with one gay guy.

• 1:00:10Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, all right, great. Uh, next question here, LD.

• 1:00:14Speaker 03

  Not to be too on the nose, but I guess I'll stay on theme here.

• 1:00:17Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:00:18Speaker 11

  Hi Sabra, um, and guest. I am wondering how I should confirm if I am in fact a lesbian and not bisexual. I have hooked up with both men and women. I've only slept with men though all the way. Um, the reasoning is because every time I date a man and I got out of a relationship, I'm lowkey like, wow, I kinda hated that. Like, like that just wasn't that good. But then like sexually, like I trained him enough to where it could be satisfying. The problem with women and the reason I haven't slept with a lot of them is like, I'm a tall girl. I'm femme, but like, I'm more assertive. Even with the men I was with, like, they're gonna call me mommy, brother, like. Interesting. I don't know what kind of energy I get, but, um.

• 1:01:00Speaker 11

  My thing is like, women tend to treat me more like a top or like masculine, because of that. That's kind of why I have an issue. Sure. Um, so yeah, I'm just wondering, like, I've, I've tried different things. Um, should I be just hooking up with more women? Should I be going on the apps more? Um, how exactly do you know, like, if you hate men, if you like dick? You know what I mean? Maybe you're not the most equipped for this, but I'd love to know a man's perspective on it. Um, just because the women I talk to are always like, well, you know, you'll know, you'll find out. Um, so yeah, please let me know. Thank you. Bye. Yeah. She's asking for male voices, so I'm gonna sit this one out.

• 1:01:47Speaker 11

  Yeah, after we're done, feel free to chime in. Um, I mean, I honestly do think, yeah, you just, you just have to fuck more women. Like, you've never actually fucked a woman. If you've dated a bunch of guys and you come out of it being like, that sucked, and you've hooked up, clearly there's an attraction with women. Um, and like, but you haven't explored all the way, you just gotta fuck a couple of girls, and you haven't exactly found the.

• 1:02:33Stavros Halkias?

  I guess she doesn't want to be treated like a top or a ma- the masculine one or whatever. You can find that if you just look a little more. I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but.

• 1:02:42Speaker 04

  Screening process.

• 1:02:43Stavros Halkias?

  Again, it's like another screening process.

• 1:02:45Speaker 03

  Tall guy. A really tall.

• 1:02:47Speaker 04

  Tattoos all over his foot.

• 1:02:49Speaker 03

  Tattoos all over his foot.

• 1:02:50Speaker 04

  Nose ring.

• 1:02:52Speaker 03

  Fatty liver when he was.

• 1:02:53Stavros Halkias?

  The nose ring does make sense.

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  Twenty-five years old.

• 1:02:54Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, hell yeah, dude. Wow.

• 1:02:57Speaker 03

  My thing with her, my thing with her is like, well, who cares if you just listen to your body, right?

• 1:03:04Speaker 04

  And the body says suck next dick and fuck next penis and.

• 1:03:09Speaker 03

  I'm, I'm very happy in my relationship. She's, she's five-eleven and blonde, exactly like my mom.

• 1:03:16Speaker 04

  We love you, Olivia.

• 1:03:17Speaker 03

  Love you, Olivia.

• 1:03:19Speaker 04

  Olivia, you're the fucking coolest girl I know.

• 1:03:22Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking awesome.

• 1:03:23Speaker 03

  Check her out on the Tonight Show on Thursday.

• 1:03:26Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah, dude.

• 1:03:26Speaker 04

  And on Instagram at OG Carter.

• 1:03:29Speaker 04

  And at JFL New Faces.

• 1:03:31Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah. Alright, get, let's get these plugs out for your girlfriend. So.

• 1:03:35Speaker 03

  She has an OnlyFans.

• 1:03:36Stavros Halkias?

  No, okay, now I'm listening. Um, so, yeah, I mean, also, you might just be the whole worried about the role that you're playing in the lesbian thing. It sounds like she's a little repressed and doesn't really want to dive into eating pussy fully. You know what I mean? Like.

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Eat that moth.

• 1:03:54Stavros Halkias?

  It sounds a little bit like you're Atlanta fake bisexual.

• 1:03:57Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:03:58Stavros Halkias?

  She sounds like a, like, he, to me, that guy sounded like a repressed, maybe religious from the South guy. She's maybe hung up on gender roles, who's masculine, who's not. She hasn't gone all the way. She's clearly giving it a try over and over again with men.

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  Why don't you get on some non-binary shit?

• 1:04:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, word.

• 1:04:13Speaker 04

  Why don't you go munch in some Enby Box?

• 1:04:15Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 1:04:16Speaker 04

  Gender don't exist there.

• 1:04:17Stavros Halkias?

  I think that could definitely work.

• 1:04:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I think if you're like a tall woman, like lesbians just kind of walk up to you.

• 1:04:22Speaker 04

  Absolutely. Absa-fucking-lutely. Everyone wants to get slotted out by a tall biot.

• 1:04:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, it sounds cool. I think all of us agree with there. No one's against that. Um, uh, so, yeah, you just gotta, why aren't, why haven't you fucked more girls? Go do that. I think that's really the answer. I think it's really pretty straightforward here.

• 1:04:41Speaker 03

  There are so many women like this.

• 1:04:42Stavros Halkias?

  Where they're like, I'm bisexual and I hate men and I've never slept with a woman and I don't want to, but then I also want to. Yeah. Yeah, I think some of them are faking it to be cool, but I think some of them are being.

• 1:04:54Speaker 04

  Nick has fucked all of them.

• 1:04:55Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. I fucked every single one of them. But I think there are plenty of, like, I think there's, it does run two sides where it's like, yeah, I think some women are just sort of like a little more flexible and they'll kind of hook up with girls, but they're ultimately straight, whatever. Right. Um, and I think there's plenty of people who, like, everyone's like, well, it's so easy to be gay now, but it's like, it's still hard for a lot of people. It's still not, there's so much like internalized homophobia, there's so much worrying about what people are gonna think, all this other shit where it's like, I just think you sound repressed and that you haven't really given it a whirl. I mean, the fact that you straight up have not fucked one woman for real is crazy. Just give it a whirl. I would say, don't da- stop dating men that you hate and try to train to fuck you adequately.

• 1:05:39Stavros Halkias?

  Like, stop doing that.

• 1:05:41Speaker 04

  That's hard though, Stav. A good dick is a dime a motherfucking dozen.

• 1:05:44Stavros Halkias?

  Stav doesn't know what he's talking about.

• 1:05:48Stavros Halkias?

  But it's not good dick, that's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Like, she's just-

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  It's hard to find good dick. A good dick is hard to find.

• 1:05:54Stavros Halkias?

  That's it. A dime a dozen does not mean that. It means that they're easy to find.

• 1:05:57Speaker 04

  A dime a dozen, it means there's one dime out of a dozen.

• 1:06:00Stavros Halkias?

  No, it means for a dime, you can buy a dozen of them.

• 1:06:03Speaker 04

  No, it means in a stack of a dozen things, there's one dime.

• 1:06:06Stavros Halkias?

  That's not at all what it means.

• 1:06:09Stavros Halkias?

  A dozen of strange objects.

• 1:06:11Speaker 04

  Needle in a haystack.

• 1:06:12Stavros Halkias?

  One of which is a dime. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:14Speaker 04

  Good dick is a needle in a haystack of dimes?

• 1:06:16Stavros Halkias?

  But, no. It's a dime. Good dick is like a needle. Finding good dick is like finding a needle in a haystack.

• 1:06:23Speaker 04

  I said that right at first. That's the first thing I said.

• 1:06:25Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, edit that. Um, so, but she's not even finding good dick. She's finding mediocre dick that she's wor- she's spending three months so that these guys fuck her.

• 1:06:34Speaker 04

  Making the meat her pussy for her pussy for three hours.

• 1:06:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. And I guess like if you've never loved before, you know, like that could be scary. Yeah. Yeah. That is true. Just like listen to your body. Yeah, I think go fuck more girls. It's pretty, pretty straightforward. And tell us about it.

• 1:06:53Stavros Halkias?

  Maybe you and a girl need to fuck a little fat guy. Maybe that'll help. Maybe you'll end up on the couch.

• 1:07:01Stavros Halkias?

  You know what, of all, of everyone who's called in, let's just put it this way, the odds that a man who called in that's on the couch, pretty low. I hid it, even in the fall.

• 1:07:16Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, hit us with another one, little LD.

• 1:07:18Speaker 05

  Hey, Stav, long time fan, so um, got this situation going on where I uh, I used to work with my girlfriend, and I got a new job a couple of months ago, and there's this guy that we both worked with that's a bit of an idiot, and um, he is like an Ambien addict, and will take Ambien at night, and then just message all of our coworkers crazy shit after like 11pm. And there was one time that he messaged my girlfriend, just saying how she looked nice in the pants she was wearing.

• 1:08:03Stavros Halkias?

  Good Christ, dude.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  It's like.

• 1:08:05Speaker 04

  He's sweet.

• 1:08:07Speaker 05

  Obviously.

• 1:08:07Stavros Halkias?

  He's a lover.

• 1:08:08Speaker 05

  Talking about her ass.

• 1:08:11Stavros Halkias?

  What, really?

• 1:08:12Speaker 05

  And now she like has to have like a weird talk with the boss and him, cause he thinks that everyone is leaving him out of activities and being mean to him on the job.

• 1:08:24Stavros Halkias?

  That's crazy that he's still employed there.

• 1:08:26Speaker 05

  Cause everyone knows that he randomly messages people high on drugs late at night. And um, I don't know, I just, if you have any sort of, you know, advice about what I should do, I, I don't work there anymore. I don't know if I should like message the guy, or, you know, I should do anything, but. I'd appreciate any advice, man. Thank you so much. Love you, Stav.

• 1:08:56Speaker 04

  That's how I met the guy that I'm fucking.

• 1:08:58Stavros Halkias?

  How's that?

• 1:08:59Speaker 04

  He would like my Instagram stories on Ambien and I slid into the DMs and he would message me when he was on Ambien and now it's been four months.

• 1:09:05Stavros Halkias?

  So have you ever seen him when he's not in a fugue state or?

• 1:09:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, okay, that's good.

• 1:09:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see him during the day.

• 1:09:11Stavros Halkias?

  You go out to dinner, he's wearing like a cap.

• 1:09:14Speaker 04

  We don't go out to dinner, really. He doesn't really take me out of the house. But, um, but I do see him when he's not on the Ambien, but it, it, it can cause love connection. So maybe you're kind of hindering your girlfriend, kind of hobbling her because this could be her can.

• 1:09:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I see no problem. Yeah, yeah. This guy could be nutting in your girlfriend in no time. Um, I think-

• 1:09:33Speaker 04

  Let me guess, your girlfriend's eighteen years old, isn't it?

• 1:09:40Stavros Halkias?

  I, I mean, look, you're basically just like, hey, Stav, um, my girlfriend works with a loser. What do I do about that? It's like, dude.

• 1:09:49Speaker 04

  Our hands are tied.

• 1:09:49Stavros Halkias?

  This is clearly just a shitty, like, low-level job. This is what half the people that work there are like.

• 1:09:56Speaker 04

  What if they work at BlackRock?

• 1:09:58Stavros Halkias?

  It's, that's actually also kind of po- then this guy would have just like, then the guy's not on Ambien, he's just assaulting whoever the fuck. He's just raping any like low, low-level female intern he wants to.

• 1:10:08Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 1:10:09Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's like, talk to HR. Yeah, I mean, this guy should be fired. You're not, you're not allowed to take drugs and message your coworkers. Suggestive things and like, it's now, and then complain that you don't get to go to fucking happy hour at Chili's with them. Imagine messaging a girl, I like how your pants look. Yeah, that's so funny. That's like, you should like, go to jail.

• 1:10:29Speaker 04

  Somebody needs to say that about these shorts I'm wearing.

• 1:10:32Stavros Halkias?

  Those are really brutal.

• 1:10:35Stavros Halkias?

  Talk to your man.

• 1:10:37Speaker 04

  I really, really like these shorts.

• 1:10:40Stavros Halkias?

  Understand what's going on, honestly.

• 1:10:41Speaker 04

  They have like a maternity.

• 1:10:42Stavros Halkias?

  The maternity band is where it's kind of getting, I'm like, what the fuck's going on?

• 1:10:46Speaker 04

  So pockets are kind of fake out pockets, like they're cargo shorts, but they don't really like work.

• 1:10:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, like, those look like wh- those are like white trash. It's a white trash.

• 1:10:55Stavros Halkias?

  Those are like a white trash kids plaid shorts. Those are very much like the Cookie Monster cap. I went to college with a kid who wore those shorts and a Cookie Monster cap. Actually, and a beater. That's actually his exact outfit.

• 1:11:07Speaker 04

  Wouldn't these look fire with like a newsboy hat or like a fedora? Like, tell me that, uh, tell me you see the vision, stop.

• 1:11:14Stavros Halkias?

  I weird, weirdly, I kind of do. I know what you're going for. It becomes performative. Entourage character.

• 1:11:21Speaker 03

  You wanna get trafficked, so.

• 1:11:23Speaker 04

  Entourage character on the body underneath rape bait. That's what I'm trying to serve to this damn world.

• 1:11:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes. The hat would act, um, fedora would actually go a hilariously long way. Yeah, that's really funny.

• 1:11:35Speaker 03

  And, yeah, you in a photo.

• 1:11:37Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give you that. I'll give you, that's actually really good. But with no hat, it has no powers. With no hat, so just get the hat.

• 1:11:46Speaker 04

  I'll get the hat, I promise.

• 1:11:48Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, dude, I mean, what, you don't, you don't have to message this. I, she needs to talk to HR and then, you know, he'll get fired from stocking a Walgreens at midnight, which is what I assume this fucking company, company you work for is.

• 1:12:01Speaker 03

  But it's like, what does this guy expect? He takes Ambien and blacks out and then people like treat him differently after he does it?

• 1:12:08Stavros Halkias?

  He's a fucking idiot.

• 1:12:09Speaker 03

  What does he think is happening?

• 1:12:10Stavros Halkias?

  He's a drug-addled idiot.

• 1:12:13Speaker 04

  I rewarded this behavior with pussy, so I don't know what you guys are saying. You guys are seeming really judgmental and mean. I would fuck this guy in a lickety-split.

• 1:12:22Stavros Halkias?

  You must, I don't actually necessarily doubt that that's true. But, you know, we gotta get this guy, y- you know, there's just not much to do here for our caller, I guess is my point. I don't know what else he could really, really do. Uh, you don't have to message him, hey, stop taking Ambien and saying my girl's ass looks good. Just get, get people to complain and then just like, you know, whatever, she has an annoying coworker. I mean, unless he get, if it, if it escalates, sure, that's something different. But he doesn't sound like violent or scary, he just sounds like a fucking loser. And who hasn't worked with a bunch of fucking losers? I worked at a fucking law firm where it was like. People would do this kinda shit.

• 1:12:56Speaker 04

  What did you do at the law firm?

• 1:12:57Stavros Halkias?

  I was a paralegal.

• 1:12:58Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 1:12:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yep, yep.

• 1:13:00Speaker 04

  That's a good job if you're a woman.

• 1:13:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of? I was looking for a husband, uh. Was it like evil law or like? It was. Good law? It was not good, no. It was, I found out when I got there that it wa- it was like a real estate place and then it was, it was foreclosures. So then I stopped working. And around what time was this? No, that, uh, dude, I was, I was a part of every part of the mortgage crisis where when I was in high school, I was a telemarketer for a company called American Government Mortgage. Whose, whose business plan was call old people. Let them think the government is calling them and so that they'll refinance with you. Never, by the way, I was so bad at that job, I never once closed a single mortgage application. I was just getting paid my, you know.

• 1:13:45Stavros Halkias?

  It was actually at the time, pretty good money. Um, it was above minimum wage and then I worked for this law firm that was dealing on the other end. With foreclosures, but. I was sort of like. After like a month there, I s- I got hired in July. I was also going through a breakup with my like, uh, college girlfriend at the time. And so like, I spent the first month like. Crying, you know, at my desk, just like not doing any work. And then when I realized what was happening, I was like, wait. I'm not helping these fucking people. So I didn't do anything and I was like, I guess they'll fire me in like a month or two and I. I got to keep my job for like eight months after that, just hanging out, being like the fucking, you know, company clown.

• 1:14:25Speaker 04

  Kind of like my whole stand-up career, basically.

• 1:14:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, exactly. Just fucking be around, be, be a good vibes guy, kinda. Take two hour lunches. It's pretty nice.

• 1:14:35Speaker 04

  Did it pay well?

• 1:14:36Stavros Halkias?

  It paid okay. I mean, at the time it was like. It was like above minimum wage, just like, you know, we're talking at this point, eleven, twelve years ago and it was like seventeen, eighteen dollars an hour, which. Wasn't, wasn't bad compared to the other fucking. And then I quit that, well, I got fired eventually and then I worked at a paint store. That was pretty fun. That paid eleven do- that paid ten dollars an hour, but they let me fill out paperwork. Where it said, how much is the hourly wa- like my manager should have put. The wage and I just put eleven, hoping no one would see and no one did. And Sherwin-Williams paid me eleven dollars an hour. I don't, you know, shout out to them for that one. Um, all right, what else we got, Eldis? I think we have time for one, one more, maybe two if they're short.

• 1:15:19Speaker 07

  From the original Free Second Opinion Studio, here's Hugh Joitz.

• 1:15:24Speaker 08

  Hello, are you facing a big HVAC or plumbing repair bill? Have a nagging problem? Don't settle for the first advice you get. Call James River Air and ask for the original free second opinion. The James River Air professional technicians will get you a solution that saves you money and gets you comfortable, fast. So don't wait. Call James River Air and ask for the original free second opinion.

• 1:15:49Speaker 09

  Hey Richmond, Mark Smith, Midas Richmond, 2026. We have been doing what we do for 29 years. Total car care, total community care. In 2026, we are donating $365,000. A thousand dollars a day to the nonprofits we've historically supported. Gooch and Care, Shalom Farms, St. Joseph's Villa, Ask, the Colonial Heights Food Pantry, everybody we've helped over the years. These are important things making a big impact in our society right now. Total car care, total community care, that is Midas Richmond.

• 1:16:20Speaker 12

  Hey Stav, I have a little bit of an annoying situation. I recently joined an art class, like a local art class that is at my community center. And all I'm trying to do is learn some fucking watercolors. And I understood when I signed up for this class that I would probably be with just like a bunch of old white women, which is like, whatever. But I swear to fucking God, every class, we, they talk about local gun violence or, you know, the, the bad areas of town. And it's just like, these women are obviously so fucking racist.

• 1:17:03Speaker 12

  And it's just, like I said, I'm just trying to pay and I don't know whether I am supposed to sit there and just like be silent and let my silence be the uncomfortable thing in this room. Or you're like today, in, in the class I took today, I was like, oh, you guys are talking about like all of these crimes that are happening. Let me tell you about a situation where like somebody was falsely convicted. I know that sounds like lame, but like I just am like, if you get to talk about... dumbass you know dumbass things like why can't I just like kind of throw the opposite in your face am I wrong I'm sorry I appreciate it thanks

• 1:17:46Speaker 04

  I think kill them all with a gun

• 1:17:50Stavros Halkias?

  yeah yeah that is true show them show them what real gun violence is

• 1:17:54Speaker 03

  and why can't she just not like

• 1:17:58Speaker 03

  talk to them

• 1:18:00Stavros Halkias?

  I mean dude come on even though you've been around people like this

• 1:18:02Speaker 03

  yeah I mean it sounds like she's outnumbered for one like it sounds like

• 1:18:06Stavros Halkias?

  they just say I mean yeah you can and you know you're obviously in a situation when you've been around like people just bring up crazy shit and like I've had these conversations I mean this happens to me a lot because people like

• 1:18:19Speaker 04

  fans of yours are like isn't it crazy how many there are

• 1:18:22Stavros Halkias?

  yeah yeah like this especially like in Baltimore it'll have like I do a character that is a I mock racist Baltimore trash

• 1:18:31Speaker 03

  yeah

• 1:18:31Stavros Halkias?

  and sometimes people are so fucking stupid they think I am racist like they are

• 1:18:38Speaker 04

  they're like it was more like six hundred thousand

• 1:18:42Stavros Halkias?

  and so I have I've had to have conversations where I'm like oh yeah I don't really like this happened where somebody's like I'll be visiting and so I'll tell somebody's like mom that I live in New York and they'll be like isn't it dangerous I'll be like actually statistically New York is much safer than where you know what I mean like and I have I do have these like honestly my the the way that I deal with this shit is like staying friendly but being like I'm not so sure about that like I don't or I'll say I don't feel unsafe I've been in a lot of places it's always been great you can all you can do is your actual personal and then ask them have you been there when's the last like kind of make them and as long as you're not doing it in an accusatory way I'm not saying it ever

• 1:19:26Stavros Halkias?

  sinks in but honestly sometimes I have seen because a lot of people like like my dad is kind of like this we'll just parrot whatever bullshit some whatever he just heard from his idiot friends and when I'll be like hmm let's think through that like I remember back in the day he was saying some homophobic shit about like he was like one time he was like ah I mean look fine they can get married but you're gonna let him raise kids right and then I was like okay dad would you rather a child be in an orphanage or within a loving gay home and he was like

• 1:20:01Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, I guess it would be good if they like, literally, they just sometimes these people don't think about these things.

• 1:20:07Speaker 04

  You have to meet them where they're at.

• 1:20:09Stavros Halkias?

  A hundred percent, you have to sort of like not, you can't be a cute, like I hear the frustration in your voice, but you also have to understand that some of these people are just kind of brainwashed. It is their, their culture is sort of like, there's some of them are just parroting talking points in a way that like, they don't even necessarily know that they're being hateful, to be honest with you. Some of them are like, some of them might be legitimately thinking it's unsafe and not even understand the dog whistle. Don't get me wrong, half of them are racist.

• 1:20:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:37Stavros Halkias?

  More probably, but there might be some that aren't, and I think nothing is solved by being shitty and combative. I think a big problem is like, people on the left have been like tattletales, have had very tattletale, you're a piece of shit energy, when in reality, it's like, huh, just be a fucking regular person. I like everybody, like you grow, I, you know, when you work blue collar jobs, you're gonna be friends with racist people. You know what I mean? Like, or people who say wild shit, who might actually be kind of nice, who, the people that they, they might think theoretically racist shit, but the people they come into contact with, they're actually very nice to.

• 1:21:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:14Stavros Halkias?

  And they actually have more like, you know, people in their lives that are like, how many like, rich liberal, liberal arts people actually don't have any minority friends, truly, like, a lot, and a lot of like racist people actually do. And so, I don't know, if you're like a small town and you're also, you're dealing with the watercolor racists.

• 1:21:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:37Stavros Halkias?

  They've gotta be a little open minded compared to the fucking like, and that you're not at the gun, you know what I mean? You're not at like the mechanic shop, you're, you're taking fucking art, like.

• 1:21:46Speaker 03

  And like, where is she? Did she say like where in the country? Cause like, how bad is the place?

• 1:21:53Stavros Halkias?

  True.

• 1:21:53Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 1:21:53Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, what, listen.

• 1:21:54Speaker 03

  I'm just saying, if she lives in like Iowa, it's like, of course, that's completely fine.

• 1:21:59Stavros Halkias?

  Dude.

• 1:21:59Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 1:22:00Stavros Halkias?

  Whatever it is, it's the same thing where it's like, let's see what this area code.

• 1:22:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, whatever.

• 1:22:04Stavros Halkias?

  South.

• 1:22:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:05Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, it's like the Midwest somewhere. It's like, wherever you are, though, it's always, well, the big city nearby is dangerous, but the suburbs are okay. You know, it's always the same shit. It's people that are scared of New York, so whatever, dude. I get the frustration, try and be nice, and then ultimately, you're there for fucking class. If all you want to do is actually learn, just fucking.

• 1:22:26Speaker 04

  Put your nose to the grindstone and paint, bitch.

• 1:22:28Stavros Halkias?

  Paint.

• 1:22:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, or like,

• 1:22:31Speaker 03

  paint them.

• 1:22:32Stavros Halkias?

  Paint them.

• 1:22:33Speaker 03

  And then.

• 1:22:34Stavros Halkias?

  Paint them getting railed by black guys. Be like, check this out.

• 1:22:37Speaker 03

  Do you like this?

• 1:22:38Stavros Halkias?

  Hahaha.

• 1:22:39Speaker 03

  I just like this.

• 1:22:39Stavros Halkias?

  Hahaha. Paint their fucking, their sons having a black boyfriend.

• 1:22:44Speaker 03

  Hahaha.

• 1:22:45Stavros Halkias?

  That'll shut them up. That'll shut those whores up. Put a lickety-split.

• 1:22:48Speaker 04

  Paint them getting their brains splattered in the projects.

• 1:22:51Stavros Halkias?

  Hahaha. Yeah, that's good, too. Well, this came to me in a vision.

• 1:22:55Speaker 03

  I thought, I thought you guys would like this.

• 1:22:57Stavros Halkias?

  Hahaha.

• 1:22:58Speaker 04

  Isn't this what you think is happening?

• 1:23:00Speaker 03

  My dad, my dad is really stupid about Zoron.

• 1:23:04Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, really?

• 1:23:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's like, he's like, it's, it's just like the Bernie bros. They're like brown shirts.

• 1:23:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it's, it's, it's fucking insane, dude.

• 1:23:13Speaker 03

  It's like, who told you that?

• 1:23:14Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly, but that's exactly what I mean.

• 1:23:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's unplayable.com.

• 1:23:17Stavros Halkias?

  That's what, exactly what I'm talking about. It's like, this is shit that I do think with some reasonable people, you can get them to change. It's just that they, they hear something, and they, like, I had a friend who legit thought Epstein killed himself.

• 1:23:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:30Stavros Halkias?

  He's like, he just had never heard that the, he just didn't know that there's missing footage. He didn't know anything, and he was like, wait, really? It was news to him that that shit had happened, but anyway, um, I think we gotta go. We have a hard out. Ivy, uh, has to go. Big, we're doing big. She's gotta, uh, meet up with her forty-two-year-old boyfriend.

• 1:23:51Speaker 04

  No, uh, no, uh.

• 1:23:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:54Speaker 04

  No, not even, not even.

• 1:23:55Stavros Halkias?

  No, you're right. It's the daytime. He doesn't want to see you.

• 1:23:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:01Stavros Halkias?

  But we do, we do have a hard out here.

• 1:24:03Speaker 03

  They're meeting up at nine PM in a Walmart parking lot in rural Maine.

• 1:24:11Speaker 04

  I have to Amtrak to him. He lives in Manhattan, but he'll only see me at the train station.

• 1:24:17Speaker 03

  She pays for it too.

• 1:24:19Speaker 04

  He'll only bring me in the ramble in Central Park. He fucks me in the butt, he leaves. It's a really sweet deal we've got.

• 1:24:27Speaker 03

  He said to meet up with her face down. I don't know what that means.

• 1:24:32Stavros Halkias?

  Guys, thanks for coming on the show. It was really fun.

• 1:24:34Speaker 04

  Thanks for having us, Stavi.

• 1:24:35Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 1:24:36Speaker 04

  Can we do plugs?

• 1:24:36Stavros Halkias?

  Please do, and we'll put it, we can also do, put some plugs up earlier. Where, where do you want people to see you, all this kind of stuff?

• 1:24:41Speaker 03

  All right. We run a show called Struggle Bus. Okay? It's at Life World. September fourteenth. It's a contest to see which comic had the worst life.

• 1:24:50Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:24:51Speaker 03

  It's fun. It's a good show. Come to it. Is there a ticket link yet? No, right?

• 1:24:56Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:24:56Stavros Halkias?

  That's okay. By the time this comes out, this will come out in probably a couple of weeks. No, no, it'll just come out a couple of weeks before that probably, right?

• 1:25:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:25:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:02Speaker 04

  Perfect.

• 1:25:02Speaker 03

  All right. And then I'm gonna be in Boston the first week of September. I'm going to North Carolina, I think, the weekend after that. I'm gonna be in Madrid, Spain.

• 1:25:10Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, fucking Spain, nice.

• 1:25:13Speaker 03

  At the Madrid Comedy Lab. Great room.

• 1:25:17Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:25:17Speaker 03

  And I think I'm doing something in Western Massachusetts. Fall man in.

• 1:25:20Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Worcester and Madrid. The two comedy powerhouses.

• 1:25:25Speaker 04

  I also have, I have dates as well.

• 1:25:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, please hit us with them.

• 1:25:29Speaker 04

  August eighth, I'm at Color Club in Chicago.

• 1:25:32Stavros Halkias?

  Probably will have hap, will not be out by then.

• 1:25:35Speaker 04

  Ignore that then. August fourteenth, I'm at Bottle Rocket in Pittsburgh.

• 1:25:39Stavros Halkias?

  It's a, it's a toss up whether.

• 1:25:42Speaker 04

  August fifteenth, I'm at Deep Cuts in Medford, Massachusetts.

• 1:25:46Speaker 03

  Okay. If you want to assassinate Ivy.

• 1:25:49Speaker 04

  August twenty first, I'm at L Sid in Los Angeles.

• 1:25:52Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, hometown show.

• 1:25:54Speaker 04

  Hometown show. So if this comes out by then, come see it. Somebody threatened to shoot me with a gun in Pittsburgh. A non-binary person threatened to kill me with guns in Pittsburgh.

• 1:26:04Speaker 03

  They like to use the cane. Do you know what I mean?

• 1:26:07Speaker 04

  It's somebody with pink hair who is homeless. They threatened, they threatened to shoot me dead in Pittsburgh on their Instagram story. And then the next slide is, please help me stay housed by being evicted in two days. And I'm really scared actually because I know that person is outside.

• 1:26:23Stavros Halkias?

  That is true, that is true.

• 1:26:25Speaker 04

  So anywhere I go, they're not posted up in the crib. They're not safe in a domicile. They are lurking the streets.

• 1:26:31Stavros Halkias?

  They got time to kill.

• 1:26:32Speaker 04

  This might be the last filmed document of me ever, this podcast, so I hope I did well.

• 1:26:37Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I hope you didn't, you know, I hope you don't die, but if you did, this would go crazy viral.

• 1:26:44Speaker 04

  Would you donate any of the proceeds to like my funeral fund?

• 1:26:47Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, depends if we, well, let's, let's talk about after we hit a certain amount of views, we can do that. It's gonna be like a door deal. You'll get ad revenue after like 300,000 views again, we'll figure it out.

• 1:26:59Speaker 03

  If I die, I'll be edited out of the episode.

• 1:27:03Stavros Halkias?

  We're just gonna put JP in here. You take up about the same amount of space. He'll just read, we'll just redub all your lines.

• 1:27:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's just him and a, a greens who pretending to stutter.

• 1:27:17Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, thanks guys and thanks for listening. We'll talk to you guys next time. Bye bye.

• 1:27:21Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 1:27:33Speaker 07

  From the original Free Second Opinion Studio, here's Hugh Joints.

• 1:27:39Speaker 08

  Hello, are you facing a big HVAC or plumbing repair bill? Have a nagging problem? Don't settle for the first advice you get. Call James River Air and ask for the original free second opinion. The James River Air professional technicians will get you a solution that saves you money and gets you comfortable fast. So don't wait. Call James River Air and ask for the original free second opinion.

• 1:28:03Speaker 09

  Hey Richmond, Mark Smith, Midas Richmond, 2026. We have been doing what we do for 29 years. Total car care, total community care. In 2026, we are donating $365,000. A thousand dollars a day for the nonprofits we've historically supported. Gooch and Care, Shalom Farms, St. Joseph's Villa, Ask, the Colonial Heights Food Pantry. Everybody we've helped over the years. These are important things making a big impact in our society right now. Total car care, total community care, that is Midas of Richmond.