Pod Insights The Mel Robbins Podcast The Best Years of Your Life Are Ahead of You: A No BS Approach to Feeling Stuck About this episode You know what you want and how to start.
But you never make progress.
Here’s my wake up call for you today:
What’s holding you back is never what you think.
Today I am coaching a woman who says:
I can’t make myself do what I need to do. I feel like I’m in quicksand. Every time I try to move…I sink.
She has:
-put on an extra 30 pounds
-left her relationship with herself in the gutter
-no longer does the things that make her happy
-broken promises to herself time and again
I bet you can relate.
This is a must-listen if you want to:
be healthier…
go back to school..
find your dream home…
make new friends…
go for that promotion…
write a book…
land your dream job…
But you just can’t make yourself take the actions you need to take.
Stop frustrating yourself by trying to solve the wrong problem.
Your dreams matter.
Today you’re learning where to find the right solution.
Pull up a seat for a conversation with a listener like you as we uncover what’s really holding her back.
Xo Mel
In this episode, you’ll learn:
2:15: This metaphor will help you understand why you’re stuck.
6:00: I bet you can relate to Ricki’s story.
8:15: The bad news that made Ricki’s face drop.
11:30: Here’s why you don’t believe your life will get better.
13:30: What happened to you earlier in your life that broke you?
18:15: Maybe you resist a part of your life because it links to something painful.
21:30: When acute grief turns into chronic, underlying grief.
31:00: You can’t invite love, joy, and connection, if you’re closed to it.
33:15: I get where Ricki is, because I used to close myself off in the same way.
39:30: Here’s my assignment for Ricki that I know she needs to do.
41:00: Give yourself permission to be happy again by connecting to this.
45:00: Here’s why I truly believe the best years of your life are ahead.
46:30: Ricki recorded an incredible update for you and me.
Disclaimer
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Mel Robbins? This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mel to get started. SoFi, get your money right. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered
0:45 Mel Robbins? through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net. This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country or maybe you just want to explore
1:29 Mel Robbins? a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. And when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save, savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
1:57 Mel Robbins? I'm so glad that you joined me today because I'm going to prove to you today that anywhere in your life that you have a problem, or you're stuck, or you're struggling, or you just can't get the results that you want, I guarantee you, you're working on the wrong problem. You're attacking it all wrong. That there is something deeper that you're not seeing. It's below the surface. And today I got my shovel. We are going to dig deep and we are going to get to the root of the problem. I have been doing this now for a decade. You guys write to me from around the world and I read everything that you submit to melrobbins.com. And I've noticed something in the last decade since I've been
2:40 Mel Robbins? coaching people. Everybody is working on the wrong problem. You can't even see it. And one of the things that I am able to do is I can listen to you for just a little bit and boom, laser right in to the root of it. And so we're going to get to the root of your problem today. And here's how we're going to do it. I'm going to bring in a metaphor. And the metaphor is gardening. I love gardening, by the way. It is one of my favorite hobbies. My parents were big gardeners. I grew up working in the yard every single weekend. My grandparents and my aunts and uncles on my mom's side are all farmers. So dirt and
3:18 Mel Robbins? digging in the dirt and growing stuff, it's in my DNA. And I think about the issues in your life that you can't seem to overcome, or that keep coming back over and over and over again. It's like weeds in a garden. And so I'm going to tell you a story because you're attacking the weeds all wrong, too. You can't just pull weeds out. You got to dig them out at the root. Otherwise, they keep coming back. And this is why I say you're working on the wrong problem. You keep pulling at your problems, tugging at them, clipping at them, snipping at them, whatever, hitting them with the roundup. That's not going to kill them. You gotta destroy it at the root. And I remember there was this one moment when we still lived in Boston,
3:58 Mel Robbins? and I started to notice that there was this particular weed that kept coming up in my garden. It was about a foot tall, and it looked like the kind of grass you would see, you know, like in the sides of a golf course, you know, that fescue that's like a foot tall, and it blows around. Well, this stuff started showing up in the middle of my frickin' Montauk daisies, and my peonies, and my irises. And I'm like, "What the hell?" And so I'd yank it out of the Siberian irises. And then I'd turn around, I'm like, "How the hell is it over there in the peonies? Like, is this bird seed that's scattered about? What is going on? Why is this weird stuff sprouting out?" And it was just like this clump over here, and then this clump over here, and then this clump over here. And I'm like, "What the hell?" And so, one day, I'll never forget it. It had been raining for like a week.
4:41 Mel Robbins? And so, the first sunny day, I get out there, and I'm like, "Oh, my God. There's these clumps everywhere." They just boom, because what happens? Things grow when you water it. Things in your life change when you tend to it. So, I start with the irises. And instead of just yanking it like I normally did, which is basically just ripping it off at the surface, I just sort of gently started tugging. And as I started tugging, the roots started coming out. And then I started shaking at it, and the dirt started shaking off. And then I'd take my shovel, and I'd start easing around, because I don't want to slice the root. I need to get to the source of it, right? Otherwise, what happens when you just trim something? When you cut it off at the surface?
5:23 Mel Robbins? Well, that just empowers the roots to start sprouting up other things. Well, I'll be damned, you guys. I get the shovel, and I dig underneath, and I start popping it up. And because the soil is wet, it's a lot looser. This fucking root went from my irises all the way under our lawn to the other flowerbed, 10 feet away, to pop up another clump into the peonies. And that same damn root was also the source of the clump of fescue that was now growing in my daisies and in the phlox. And I couldn't believe it. It was all coming from the same root. And if there's one thing I've learned in a decade of coaching people,
6:07 Mel Robbins? and all of the research that I've done, is that when it comes to the things that aren't working in our life, we have such a low tolerance for going deep, that we just try to remove it at the surface. And then all of a sudden, you're dating another loser. All of a sudden, the same shit with your mother showing up. All of a sudden, the same wound from your childhood is getting triggered. Why? Why does this keep happening? I'll tell you why. You're working on the wrong problem. Because you're just trying to clear it away at the surface. You're missing the bigger picture. These problems all connect. There is a root cause that you need to dig out. And today, I'm going to teach you how to do it. A fellow listener of the Mel Robbins podcast wrote to me, Ricky. She's 44.
6:51 Mel Robbins? She is stuck on the outside. Her life looks amazing. The garden's beautiful, right? But she can't get where she wants to go. She feels like she's lost a part of herself. She doesn't know what the hell's going on. All her friends think her life looks great, but it's not. And let me tell you something. She's working on the wrong problem. But Mel Robbins has her shovel. And I'm going to dig deep and wait till you discover what I find. Because it comes out of nowhere. You ready? I sure am. Let's start digging. Hi.
7:29 Speaker 01 Hi.
7:30 Mel Robbins? It's so good to see you.
7:32 Speaker 01 No, it is so good to see you.
7:36 Mel Robbins? Oh, thank you so much for taking the time to be with me. Let's get started. How can I help you, Ricky?
7:42 Speaker 01 Okay, I am stuck. Like, I feel like I am in quicksand. And every time I try to move, I sink. I've been on the personal growth, the development for years. I've read like all these self-help books. I've done programs. I'm 44 now. And I feel like life has passed me by. I'm in a job that's, I mean, pays bills. It's not fulfilling. I thought that I'd be in a, you know, relationship of have a husband, have kids by now, but don't. The relationship with myself is not who I'd like it to be. And I...
8:30 Speaker 01 I I'm in the worst shape that I've ever been in my life. And I look at myself in the mirror and I'm just like, okay, those thirty pounds, where did they come from? Oh, yeah, that's right. You made all these choices of eating bad food, right? I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I don't know. Well, I do know where to start, but at the same time, I feel like I don't know where to start. I don't know where to go from here because I've read all the books, because I've done all of that stuff. I'm just like, but I'm still here.
9:03 Mel Robbins? Thank you for sharing all of that. And what I got is that you're in a job that's not fulfilling, but it pays the bills. That you're in the worst shape of your life. You have put on an extra thirty pounds, that you are not where you thought you would be in your personal life, because at the age of forty-four, you thought you'd be married and have kids. And your relationship with yourself is also in the gutter. And on top of all of this, you have read all these self-help books, and yet you still feel very stuck. Is there anything else?
9:39 Speaker 01 You've got it in a nutshell, pretty much, yeah.
9:42 Mel Robbins? Okay.
9:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:43 Mel Robbins? So, do you want to hear the good news, or the bad news?
9:48 Speaker 01 Let's go for the bad news.
9:51 Mel Robbins? Okay. The bad news is your own attitude and story and emotions are going to be the biggest obstacle in your way.
10:05 Mel Robbins? Do you want to know the good news?
10:07 Speaker 01 Yes. Let's get some good news on there.
10:10 Mel Robbins? What happened? I saw your your face kind of go like, oh, when I said the bad news. So what what was your reaction to the bad news?
10:25 Speaker 01 It's like, I gotta do this. It just it felt it feels overwhelming. It feels like this is some work, some real work that I have to do. And it feels like daunting.
10:42 Mel Robbins? Why does it feel daunting?
10:46 Speaker 01 So I feel like I have so much work to do. There's just this insurmountable mountain that is just unattainable. But then there's another part of me that's like, no, it's not like you can do this. You've got this. But there's that part of me that's just like, hmm, Ricky, it's not gonna happen for you.
11:14 Mel Robbins? Are you experiencing the life that you want to be living right now?
11:20 Speaker 01 No, there's moments. There's moments, yeah, but the overall, no.
11:28 Mel Robbins? Okay, the reason why the mountain feels insurmountable is because you've convinced yourself that it's too late. That's the only reason why it feels insurmountable. The work is the work. And the work that will change your life and get you in shape and help you find a fulfilling career and get your life force back. The work you need to do is the same work everybody needs to do to have those things. It's the story that you're telling yourself that you're already fucked up and that it's too late and that it's gonna require too much.
12:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:11 Mel Robbins? And it's not gonna happen. That's the only reason why you haven't gotten started.
12:16 Speaker 01 Hmm.
12:17 Mel Robbins? If I could tell you that the best years of your life were ahead of you, would you do the work?
12:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:28 Mel Robbins? Okay.
12:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:30 Mel Robbins? Great. The best years of your life, Ricky, are ahead of you.
12:35 Speaker 01 There's a voice in my head right now. And that voice says, this is BS. And the best years of your life were before. Like when you were 22, when you were, when you were in your twenties. There's this recording back there that's saying that. And it's so frustrating. It's extremely frustrating because I want to believe you when you tell me that my best years are ahead of me. And I have friends who tell me that the best years are ahead of me.
13:08 Speaker 01 Why can't I believe that? Why can't I take what you're saying and actually, truly, hang on and believe it 100%? Because that's really what I want.
13:19 Mel Robbins? There's a number of reasons why. Number one, you've been telling yourself the other story for so long that it's not going to happen. That that's become your belief. Number two, because that's been your story, that it's not going to happen and you're sad about that, your actions in your day-to-day life, your routines, your rituals, your habits, they now match that story.
13:50 Mel Robbins? You have started to align with a person who believes that the best days of her life are behind you, which is why you're not taking care of your health. It's why having a job that is slowly sucking your soul dry but paying the bills is enough. It's why you've given up or lowered your standards when it comes to the kind of person that you want to attract. Your actions keep you stuck because your actions are the kind of actions that somebody who doesn't believe that the best days of their life are ahead of them are taking.
14:31 Mel Robbins? And so the solution is to figure out what the day-to-day life looks like of a woman who believes that the best days of her life are ahead of her. And by God, she's going to act that way.
14:45 Mel Robbins? And I have a suspicion that something happened to you, either in your late twenties or in your thirties, that knocked you on your ass and knocked you off track. And you haven't recovered from it. Because it strikes me that you say, "My twenties were the best time of my life." And so tell me about what was going on in your twenties that made you feel like it was the best time of your life? And then I want to know what the hell happened that changed it?
15:19 Speaker 01 In my twenties, I was more confident.
15:24 Speaker 01 I was doing the things that I liked. I was...
15:34 Speaker 01 What really happened? My dad died.
15:37 Mel Robbins? Okay.
15:40 Mel Robbins? How old were you?
15:42 Speaker 01 He died when I was 28.
15:46 Speaker 01 Um.
15:50 Speaker 01 Yeah. And there was, after that, there was some depression that happened and, you know, um, some significant breakups that happened. And I feel like those were just like, probably things that crushed me.
16:11 Speaker 01 And I just didn't really recover.
16:14 Mel Robbins? There you go.
16:16 Mel Robbins? That's what happened. You experienced profound loss.
16:22 Mel Robbins? The loss of your father, followed by the breakup of a significant relationship, spun you around.
16:33 Mel Robbins? That foundation got ripped out from underneath you.
16:40 Mel Robbins? If I had to describe it, I would say that
16:46 Mel Robbins? you went through a great loss and you have spent a decade grieving.
16:56 Mel Robbins? And that you've spent these past couple of years kind of waking up from that and being disappointed with where you are.
17:08 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
17:10 Mel Robbins? That's okay.
17:13 Mel Robbins? It's okay.
17:16 Mel Robbins? It's so easy, Ricky, to find yourself in a situation where you've read all the books, you listen to the podcasts, but you do nothing. You're stuck in a freeze trauma response in your body, where things kind of stopped moving forward when your dad died. And I kind of have this vision of you, almost like hunkered down, waiting for the next thing to happen. So like you go into this mode of not dreaming, not going for it like you used to in your twenties, to just getting through the day.
17:57 Mel Robbins? And when you read all the books, you gain knowledge, right? That stays right up here in your brain. But what you're dealing with is you're dealing with something that happened to you in your heart and your soul. So that's where we gotta go to work. Is any of this landing for you?
18:21 Mel Robbins? Yeah. I can see the wheels turning in your head, Ricky. And I can also tell that you're the kind of person who really needs a moment to process. My husband, Chris, is like that, too. So I want to give you a chance to really let what we've been talking about sink in, about how your dad's death is directly connected to how stuck you feel right now. And we're gonna take a quick break and hear a word from our sponsors. And when we return, you and I are gonna explore how they connect. And more importantly, what you're gonna do next.
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20:29 Mel Robbins? Here are just some of the things you can do in Scottsdale. Visit legendary Old Town Scottsdale with over 100 restaurants, dozens of art galleries, and boutique shopping. Stay at award-winning luxury resorts designed for relaxation. Spend a day at one of Scottsdale's world-class spas. Eat at an award-winning restaurant with unmatched sunsets. Play championship golf courses surrounded by stunning Sonoran desert landscapes. And top it all off with beautiful desert scenery that instantly helps you disconnect. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else. Scottsdale is where you can finally take care of yourself. Visit unwindinsscottsdale.com to plan your trip this fall. Have you noticed that these days, there's a holiday for everything?
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21:57 Mel Robbins? and use code MEL to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. It's super easy and risk-free with their obsession guarantee. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash MEL. And enter code MEL to get 70% off your first box. I'll feed the obsession. One of the things I'm most proud of here at the Mel Robbins Podcast is that we're constantly growing and hiring new amazing people to join the team. So let me introduce you to our new producer, Matt. Matt, you just moved to Boston, joined our team, furnished your new apartment with our sponsor, Wayfair. Be honest, how empty was this place when you got the keys?
22:36 Speaker 02 It was pretty sad, like air mattress on the floor, eating takeout in a lawn chair. Sad.
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23:26 Mel Robbins? It's so easy, Ricky, to find yourself in a situation where you've read all the books, you listen to the podcasts, but you do nothing. You're stuck in a freeze trauma response in your body? Where things kind of stopped moving forward when your dad died? That's me coaching a listener named Ricky. I'm Mel Robbins, and Ricky wrote in because she's 44 years old. Her life is not where she thought it would be, and she feels really stuck. And we just connected the dots between her feeling stuck in her life right now and 16
24:09 Mel Robbins? years ago, when her father died. So Ricky, you've had a chance to kind of think about what we've been talking about. Do you see how your father's death is connected to how you feel right now?
24:25 Speaker 01 You know what I just thought of?
24:27 Mel Robbins? What?
24:28 Speaker 01 It's just like popped into my head. Um, I used to really, really love working out and it never felt like a chore. It was just something I loved to do and I would be running and I, but when I found, where I found out that my dad had passed away was when I was, I'd just finished a workout and I opened my locker and I checked my phone and I, so I found out he passed away while I was at the gym and after that, going to the gym, like, yes, I still went, but it never had the same momentum to it anymore. And I'm just connecting that right now.
25:07 Mel Robbins? That is a beautiful insight, a life-changing one. Because, do you remember what happened is, let's go back to that moment. You open up the locker, you reach in and you grab your phone.
25:22 Mel Robbins? And how did you learn?
25:24 Speaker 01 There was several messages
25:26 Mel Robbins? Okay.
25:27 Speaker 01 from my sister that were there. And so I called back and then she had said to me, I, let's, where, I told her I was at the gym and she's like, okay, well, just call me when you get home. And I was like, what's going on? Something in me knew that, because he was, he had been in the hospital at the time and something in me, I was just like, just tell me, just tell me, just tell me. And then she had, and then she told me.
25:55 Mel Robbins? See,
25:56 Speaker 01 And I remember.
25:57 Mel Robbins? Yes, you remember because that's a traumatic event in your life. And it got married with something that you loved to do. So it makes perfect sense that it pulled the ease and the joy out of the thing that you used to love to do.
26:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, and it's, the strangest thing is that I've never really put that together. Like, I never really connected that. I didn't really feel like I've been grieving over for 10 years. I, I felt like, like when I think about my dad passing away, I feel like I've grieved and I feel like I've moved forward and I feel like I'm okay with it. I've, I didn't really connect my being stuck in my life to that.
26:54 Mel Robbins? So I think you gave up on your own dreams.
27:00 Mel Robbins? But you did grieve, Ricky. You went through what psychologists call the acute phase of grieving, which according to the experts, it can last between six months to a year. And it's really personal how we experience grief. But what tends to happen is the acute grief, that just overwhelming avalanche of sadness and anger and questioning and numbness. It doesn't really disappear. You just adapt and you adjust to the loss. And that's what you did. But sometimes that grief, it just sticks around under the surface and it nags at you. And there's this heaviness and this stuckness. And it just makes it feel so hard to move forward. And it's so common.
27:46 Mel Robbins? You know, one of my favorite experts on the topic of grief is a guy that I met named Dave Kessler. And he created something that he calls the six stages of grieving. Now, I had heard about the five stages of grieving, but he created the sixth one. And I want to tell you about it because I think it's really helpful to move through the loss and create a different context for it. The sixth stage of grieving is finding meaning, allowing yourself to find purpose again in your life and to find the meaning for you in the loss that you experienced. And when you start to look at your healing and the things that you do next as finding purpose again, I think it's really going to help you.
28:31 Mel Robbins? And I also don't want you to forget something. After losing your father and going through the acute stage of grief, you then experienced depression and then the breakup happened.
28:42 Mel Robbins? And was that breakup with somebody that you thought you were going to marry?
28:47 Speaker 01 I did.
28:52 Speaker 01 It's weird because it's not just one relationship. It was like everything, every relationship that I kind of got into afterwards, it was just like...
29:07 Speaker 01 I can't even really explain it. Um, but in my mind, I believed
29:16 Speaker 01 that more would come of it.
29:18 Mel Robbins? Hmm.
29:19 Speaker 01 And
29:22 Speaker 01 I'm embarrassed even like
29:26 Speaker 01 talking about this right now.
29:28 Mel Robbins? Why?
29:28 Speaker 01 Um.
29:31 Speaker 01 Why? Um.
29:37 Speaker 01 Because you don't want to be that person that
29:42 Speaker 01 thought there was more and then there really wasn't.
29:46 Speaker 01 And I feel like that's what I have been. Yeah, that's why.
29:54 Speaker 01 And it hurts.
29:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:01 Mel Robbins? I can see why that would hurt. Consider looking at those relationships through a different lens. Because we're going to start working on the story that you're telling yourself.
30:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:12 Mel Robbins? Because the relationship story is, I'm a failure. I fall for people and I think that it's going somewhere and they don't want me the way that I want them. I'm a failure. We just met, but I have a hunch that if you were to look back on those string of relationships that didn't work after your father died, you were showing up in those relationships with a hole that grief had created. So when you get attached to somebody because they are filling a need that you have, that you can't do in your own life, that's when things get out of balance. And because you were grieving, and I get the sense from you, because you strike me a little bit like me,
30:57 Mel Robbins? that you thought you were fine, so we're going to move on and we're going to keep working and we're going to go forward with life and now I'm going to meet this person and everything's okay because I don't want to scratch on that deeper thing that's really painful because I'm okay and I'm going to be tough.
31:14 Mel Robbins? And yet you carry all that stuff with you.
31:20 Mel Robbins? And I think that's what happened in your relationships.
31:25 Mel Robbins? That you were so wanting to disappear in a relationship and to feel safe again, that you fall very quickly and then you misread the room and that's it. That's all that happened, again because of the grief.
31:39 Mel Robbins? And this is all very normal.
31:42 Mel Robbins? And when you start to see that things aren't lining up the way that you expected, you start to feel bad about yourself and you start to wonder what's wrong with me. And there's nothing wrong with you. Nothing.
31:55 Mel Robbins? Today is day one of you reclaiming your happiness and taking your life back and healing what needs to be healed. And defining for you what does a really fun and exciting life look like? I want to walk you through a super simple exercise, okay?
32:22 Speaker 01 Okay.
32:23 Mel Robbins? I can see you processing. What emotions are coming up for you?
32:33 Speaker 01 I don't want to cry.
32:36 Mel Robbins? Why?
32:41 Speaker 01 If I cry right now, it'll be really ugly.
32:46 Mel Robbins? Great.
32:47 Speaker 01 And it'll just be really sobbing and...
32:49 Mel Robbins? Great. What are the tears about?
32:54 Speaker 01 Letting go.
32:56 Speaker 01 I I am so used to
33:02 Speaker 01 feeling a certain way, that feeling, that imagining feeling differently feels uncomfortable.
33:12 Mel Robbins? What is the way that you're used to feeling?
33:19 Mel Robbins? Let it come up.
33:21 Speaker 01 Doesn't matter that how much good comes into my life. Events like it will never be how I want it to be. I will never get to where all the things that I desire, that they'll actually never, it'll come so close, but not for me. It happens to everyone else around me, but it won't happen for me.
33:47 Mel Robbins? Uh huh. Well, it definitely won't. If that's your belief.
33:59 Mel Robbins? Because you won't let it in.
34:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:12 Mel Robbins? Is this the way you want to experience life?
34:14 Speaker 01 No. No.
34:20 Mel Robbins? So Ricky, I'm gonna now teach you how to flip this. Because if this is not the way that you want to experience life anymore, we have to change it, like right now. Let's make today and this conversation day one of your new life. And that's exactly what we're gonna start doing when we come back. Because there's a question Ricky, that I'm gonna dig deep into with you. And for you listening, I'm gonna ask you that question too. So if you're ready to flip the way that you're thinking about things and make today day one, let's go Mel. I'm, I'm down, I'm ready. This is not the life I want to be experiencing.
35:03 Mel Robbins? Well, we are gonna do that after a short word from our sponsors. So stay with me.
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38:06 Mel Robbins? Hey, I'm Mel Robbins and I'm back with Ricky. And before we went to the break, we were talking about how if you believe that it doesn't matter how much good comes into your life, it's never going to get to where you want it to be, you have to change your belief. And so I want to start that conversation right now with both you listening and with Ricky, who's sitting here with me. And we're going to start by answering this question. What would you have to change about the way you live your life, or the story that you tell yourself, in order to experience your life differently? Ricky?
38:44 Speaker 01 I would have to change that story. I would have to change that belief. I would have to do things differently.
38:49 Mel Robbins? Yes. And for starters, you'd have to allow yourself to cry. There have been so many moments in our conversation where the silence is just palpable, Ricky. I don't think you're just processing. I think you are pushing down the emotions that you're feeling.
39:22 Mel Robbins? And tears are super important because all the tears that you cry over somebody that's died is just the love that you didn't get to express while your dad was here. So the crying and the letting the emotion up, it's a way to let love into your life. And all the tears that you need to cry over the fact that you're not where you want to be, over the baggage that you're dragging around, the beating yourself up, the way that you've been just so hard on yourself for so many years, it's like this backpack that you drag around. When you get upset about that, it's a way to release all of that heaviness. You can hear the heaviness in your voice when you talk, Ricky.
40:04 Mel Robbins? I think you focused so much on just holding it together and being strong and don't cry and don't cry and don't cry. And then you're pounding on all this evidence about how things are not working. No wonder you can't let the love and the joy and the connection in. You're protecting yourself from it. So many people do this. I did this for so many years too. That's why I can tell that it's what you're doing, Ricky. I can tell you what to do, Ricky. And I will. I'll give you the domino that you need to tip first that will trigger a ton of change. And if you just start chipping away at it, we can change absolutely everything.
40:46 Mel Robbins? You can lose weight, start feeling like you're in your twenties again, you can change your job, you can get support and heal and really do the work to complete and feel present with your dad. You can forgive yourself for how you spent the last 14 years. You can do all that. The doing is the easy part. We gotta figure out what you want to believe. And then we gotta start aligning your day-to-day actions with the belief that you want to be driving your life. And so that part's easy.
41:25 Mel Robbins? It really is because it's just, here's the shit you need to do. Fucking do it.
41:31 Mel Robbins? That's it. Like, that's changed. But, there's a deeper breakthrough for you. Letting love in. And I have this visual that I use in my mind, because I didn't realize how much I blocked love.
41:48 Mel Robbins? I like to think about, like, your heart and your life as having a door, right? That separates you from the rest of the world. And for many, many years, the door between me and my heart and soul and the rest of the world was this mid-century steel thing that you would see on a castle that is impenetrable.
42:13 Mel Robbins? Because I didn't trust people, I didn't love myself, I didn't feel like I was worthy. I saw all kinds of reasons why I'd fuck things up, why I was a bad person.
42:27 Mel Robbins? And as I've done more and more work to change the story about what I want to experience in life, I got rid of that door and I put the kind of doors that you see in a restaurant, you know, that's got the tooth, and they swing back and forth.
42:42 Mel Robbins? Because it allows me to be more present to when I'm letting love flow to other people. And more importantly, when I allow the love to flow back to me.
42:58 Mel Robbins? Does that resonate at all with you?
43:01 Speaker 01 I'll tell you why it doesn't, and maybe you can help me with it. Because maybe it does, and I'm just not, I'm not seeing it. So, I'm that friend that's always there, I'm that sister, or that person that's always there, holding space for everybody else, being the rock for everyone else. I give so much love.
43:22 Speaker 01 And I do receive love. I think that I do, but maybe I don't.
43:32 Speaker 01 I don't know, I just, you're shaking your head like, no.
43:38 Mel Robbins? Rocks typically don't allow a lot of love in.
43:46 Mel Robbins? And if you're spending a lot of your own energy beating yourself up and feeling disappointed, that's going to block love that everybody has to give to you.
44:02 Mel Robbins? "No, no, no, no, no. I don't need any help. No, I'm okay. No, you don't have to go with me there. No, I can handle this on my own."
44:14 Mel Robbins? "No, I don't look good in this dress." That's not true.
44:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
44:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, I do that.
44:32 Mel Robbins? Me too, or used to.
44:39 Mel Robbins? So, what do you think changed when your dad died?
44:50 Speaker 01 I've always wanted to make him proud of me. And when he died, I felt like I didn't get the chance to do that, and that I never will get the chance to do that. Even though he never said that, he never told me he wasn't proud of me. He actually told me before he passed that he was, but I guess I just didn't really believe it because I wasn't proud of me.
45:24 Speaker 01 And I just never got the chance to really...
45:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, I never got the chance to really show him who I could have been, who I believed I could be.
45:37 Mel Robbins? Thank you for going there. And that's another example of not letting love in. When somebody in your life tells you that they are proud of you and you can't hear it, you don't believe it, that's an example of blocking love. Your dad was always proud of you, and that's always going to be true. And you choose whether or not you let that in because it's the truth, Ricky, and it will always be the truth.
46:10 Mel Robbins? When your dad died, you're the one who decided that there was an expiration date on you becoming the person you want to be. And you know, there's that term I've seen a lot of people talking about called quiet quitting. It's almost like you quietly quit on your own ambition. And your own dreams. And so, I want to reclaim that for you. Okay? What's your dad's name? Joe. Joe. Joe's still here. Joe's watching. Joe is proud of you. This isn't Joe's shit, this is your shit. And here's the great news.
46:51 Mel Robbins? You do have your entire lifetime to make yourself proud. And Joe's watching. Hmm. And so, your first assignment for me is I want you to write a letter to Joe, your dad. Mm-hmm. And I want you to thank him for being so proud of you. And I want you to tell him that you miss him. And you still feel that he's here. And you thank him for being with you and guiding you. And that you are writing this because you wanted to make a promise to yourself, and
47:30 Mel Robbins? a promise to him, that you are going to go and do some amazing things in your lifetime. And is he buried somewhere? Yes. Is it close by? Yeah. I want you to go to his grave with the letter, and I want you to read it to him.
48:06 Mel Robbins? Okay?
48:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:11 Mel Robbins? And one of the things I also want you to do is I want you to think back to your twenties.
48:17 Mel Robbins? And I want you to think about the things that you were doing in your twenties before your dad died. That you don't do now.
48:25 Mel Robbins? What are those things?
48:32 Speaker 01 Taking more risks.
48:33 Mel Robbins? Great.
48:34 Speaker 01 I was...
48:36 Speaker 01 I was pursuing some creative things.
48:40 Mel Robbins? Great.
48:41 Speaker 01 And I don't do that anymore.
48:43 Mel Robbins? What you're gonna put in your letter is, "And Dad, one of the things that I promised to you and to me that I'm gonna do is I'm gonna bring back, what is the creative stuff you used to do, Ricky?"
48:55 Speaker 01 Acting, singing, writing.
49:03 Mel Robbins? And the reason why this is so incredible is because a job change doesn't go deep enough to change
49:15 Mel Robbins? what's actually blocking your life force and your happiness.
49:22 Mel Robbins? And if I were to have started this conversation by going, "Hey, you know what you should do? You should just go act." You'd be like, "What the fuck?"
49:33 Mel Robbins? You change the direction of your life by simply adding in the things that got lost when your life got turned upside down. And I think the act of writing that letter and going to your dad's grave and making a promise to him and to yourself that this is what you're going to put back into your life will be a way bigger deal and a way bigger motivator than any formula that I could ever give you.
50:10 Mel Robbins? You gotta connect the why back to your dad and back to you giving yourself permission to be happy
50:22 Mel Robbins? and to be proud of yourself.
50:27 Mel Robbins? That's your why.
50:30 Mel Robbins? We're done here.
50:37 Mel Robbins? Because if you give yourself permission to do that,
50:41 Mel Robbins? it will open up so much momentum and energy that you'll change your job like that. You'll start exercising and taking care of yourself.
50:55 Mel Robbins? But that's the missing piece.
51:03 Mel Robbins? What are you getting from this conversation?
51:10 Speaker 01 Like, things are clicking that I never actually thought had anything to do with each other.
51:22 Speaker 01 You know, this conversation we're having, I had no idea it was gonna go where it went. And I didn't think that my dad had anything to do with me feeling stuck.
51:39 Speaker 01 I'm very surprised.
51:41 Mel Robbins? Does it make sense?
51:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:46 Mel Robbins? When you look backwards over time and you see the events that happened and how those then accumulate and start to weigh you down, and then it slowly starts to shift your day-to-day life and the things that you feel like doing. And you can wake up from a period like that years later, and suddenly you're a person that doesn't exercise anymore. And you're not acting anymore. And you don't quite know why.
52:16 Mel Robbins? And your own life, Ricky, holds the map for tapping back into your life force, energy, and your joy, and your momentum.
52:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:34 Mel Robbins? How are you feeling?
52:43 Speaker 01 Good.
52:45 Speaker 01 I mean, like, it's just...
52:50 Speaker 01 hopeful, that's what I should say. I should say hopeful.
52:56 Mel Robbins? Terrific.
52:59 Mel Robbins? Can you write this letter and go read it to your dad?
53:03 Speaker 01 I can write the letter.
53:05 Mel Robbins? Great. I would love to talk to you after you've done it.
53:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
53:09 Mel Robbins? There's one other thing I wanted to tell you. Because, um, how old are you again? Forty-four?
53:15 Speaker 01 Forty-four, yes.
53:16 Mel Robbins? Okay. So, let me tell you something.
53:21 Mel Robbins? When I was forty-four, which would have been 2013, my life was not where I thought it was gonna be. I was $800,000 in debt.
53:32 Mel Robbins? There were liens on the house. I was struggling with a drinking problem. I was working two jobs to pay our bills because my husband was so depressed and bottomed out that he couldn't do anything. And I could barely keep the groceries on the table and the lights on at our house.
53:56 Mel Robbins? So when I tell you at the age of forty-four that the best years of your life are ahead of you, I fucking mean it.
54:08 Mel Robbins? You will be startled
54:12 Mel Robbins? by what you are able to achieve.
54:17 Mel Robbins? You will be shocked at what unfolds.
54:31 Mel Robbins? I see a smile.
54:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:36 Speaker 01 Yeah. Because that sounds exciting to me.
54:41 Speaker 01 Thank you.
54:42 Mel Robbins? You're welcome. Thank you. I love you.
54:46 Speaker 01 I love you Mel.
54:55 Mel Robbins? Wow. That was incredible. And you want to know what else is incredible? Ricky did write that letter. And she did go to her father's grave. And she recorded an update for you and me. Check it out.
55:11 Speaker 03 Hi Mel. It's Ricky. So. I went to the cemetery to visit my father. And. It's crazy just the way that it ended up turning out because a friend of mine was driving down that it to that area and the day that she was going happened to be the 16th anniversary of the exact same day that we buried my dad 16 years ago. So that was pretty, pretty crazy. Anyway, um, I read him the letter that I wrote and I told him how much I missed him and how I've kind of been giving up on life.
55:52 Speaker 03 And I told him about the revelations and the aha moments that I had with you Mel. And that I continued to have after our session. It was really nice. Um. Also told him about how I haven't been showing up in my life and I can still make him proud of the life that is ahead of me and that there's so much to my life that he's going to be able to watch and see and guide me. Just because he's not here physically, that doesn't mean that he can't help me and that he can't still be proud of me. I made him that promise and that I'm going to start really living my life and um. Yeah, so I just wanted to say thank you Mel.
56:33 Speaker 03 Thank you so much. I just feel like everything is going to be accelerating. I really believe that my life is going to be unrecognizable this time next year. But yeah, I think that's all I have to say, but thank you.
56:51 Mel Robbins? All right, I'm not crying, you're crying. Oh my gosh. I, I just love this. I love these conversations. I love sharing them with you. I believe her. I believe that everything's accelerating. I believe that her life is going to be unrecognizable this time next year. And the belief is so important. You just experienced what it's like to go from convincing yourself that you can't change and it's never going to work out for you, to seeing what lies beneath the surface and what happens when you are willing to dig out those roots,
57:37 Mel Robbins? when you're willing to go deep, when you're willing to do the work to truly change what you believe and mean it. Wow.
57:48 Mel Robbins? And one other thing that I always mean is that I love you. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. And I always say it because so many people don't have anybody in their life that tells them, "I love you. I'm proud of you." And I want you to let that in. Let it in. I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to stop attacking this stuff on the surface and go a little deeper. Connect the dots between where you are and what might have happened to you. And do the work to make today day one of you believing that your life will be unrecognizable this time next year.
58:32 Mel Robbins? Because if you do the work, it will be. All righty, talk to you in a few days. Bye.
59:02 Mel Robbins? Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
59:24 Speaker 01 Stitcher.
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1:00:13 Mel Robbins? SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. Nearly 50 years after Stephen King's Carrie became a cultural phenomenon, Mike Flanagan is reimagining the iconic story for a new generation. Now, the new series honors the legacy of the original Carrie, but it's asking the question, are we watching the origin of a hero, a villain, or something far more complicated? And in this modern social media age, Carrie's new story resonates more than ever. You don't want to miss it. Carrie is streaming October 7 only on Prime Video.
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