Pod Insights The Mel Robbins Podcast Feeling Stuck Right Now? Stop Looking In The Wrong Place | The Mel Robbins Podcast About this episode Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them.
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You know what you want and how to start.
But you never make progress.
Here’s my wake up call for you today:
What’s holding you back is never what you think.
This is a must-listen if you want to:
be #healthier…
go back to school..
find your #dream home…
make new friends…
go for that promotion…
write a book…
land your dream job…
But you just can’t make yourself take the actions you need to take.
Stop frustrating yourself by trying to solve the wrong problem.
Your dreams matter.
Today you’re learning where to find the right solution.
Xo Mel
In this episode, you'll learn:
00:00 Intro
02:47 This metaphor will help you understand why you’re stuck.
06:09 I bet you can relate to Ricki’s story.
10:55 The bad news that made Ricki’s face drop.
14:48 Here’s why you don’t believe your life will get better.
16:27 What happened to you earlier in your life that broke you?
18:15 Maybe you resist a part of your life because it links to something painful.
20:31 When acute grief turns into chronic, underlying grief.
28:09 You can’t invite love, joy, and connection, if you’re closed to it.
32:33 I get where Ricki is, because I used to close myself off in the same way.
38:29 Here’s my assignment for Ricki that I know she needs to do.
41:16 Give yourself permission to be happy again by connecting to this.
48:59 Here’s why I truly believe the best years of your life are ahead.
55:06 Ricki recorded an incredible update for you and me.
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Transcript 0:03 Speaker 0 I'm gonna prove to you today that anywhere in your life that you have a problem or you're stuck or you're struggling or you just can't get the results that you want. I guarantee you you're working on the wrong problem. We have such a low tolerance for going deep that we just try to remove it at the surface. And then all of a sudden you're dating another loser. All of a sudden, the same shit with your mother showing up. All of a sudden, the same wound from your childhood is getting triggered. Why? Why does this keep happening? I'll tell you why. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm so glad that you joined me today because I'm gonna prove to you today that anywhere in your life that you have a problem or you're stuck or you're struggling, or you just can't get the results that you want.
0:53 Speaker 0 I guarantee you you're working on the wrong problem. You're attacking it all wrong. And there is something deeper that you're not seeing. It's below the surface. And today I got my shovel. We are gonna dig deep and we are gonna get to the root of the problem. I have been doing this now for a decade. You guys write to me from around the world, and I read everything that you submit to Mel Robins.com, and I've noticed something in the last decade since I've been coaching people. Everybody is working on the wrong problem. You can't even see it. And one of the things that I am able to do is I can listen to you for just a little bit and boom, laser right in to the root of it. And so we're gonna get to the root of your problem today. And here's how we're gonna do it.
1:40 Speaker 0 I'm gonna bring in a metaphor. And the metaphor is gardening. I love gardening, by the way. It is one of my favorite hobbies. My parents were big gardeners. I grew up working in the yard every single weekend. My grandparents and my aunts and uncles on my mom's side are all farmers. So dirt and digging in the dirt and growing stuff. It's in my DNA. And I think about the issues in your life that you can't seem to overcome, or that keep coming back over and over and over again. It's like weeds in a garden. And so I'm gonna tell you a story because you're attacking the weeds all wrong too. You can't just pull weeds out. You got to dig them out at the root. Otherwise, they keep coming back. And this is why I say you're working on the wrong problem.
2:25 Speaker 0 You keep pulling at your problems, tugging at them, clipping at them, snipping at them, whatever, hitting them with the roundup. That's not gonna kill them. You gotta destroy it at the root. And I remember there was this one moment when we still lived in Boston, and I started to notice that there was this particular weed that kept coming up in my garden. It was about a foot tall, and it looked like the kind of grass you would see uh, you know, like in the sides of a golf course, you know, that fescue that's like a foot tall and it blows around. Well, this stuff started showing up in the middle of my freaking montack daisies and my peonies and my irises. And I'm like, what the hell? And so I yank it out of the Siberian irises. And then I'd turn around, I'm like, what how the hell is it over there in the peonies?
3:16 Speaker 0 Like it is this bird seed that's scattered about? What is going on? Why is this weird stuff sprouting out? And it was just like this clump over here, and then this clump over here, and then this clump over here. And I'm like, what the hell? And so one day, I'll never forget it. It had been raining for like a week. And so the first sunny day I get out there and I'm like, oh my God, there's these clumps everywhere. They just boom, because what happens? Uh, things grow when you water it. Things in your life change when you tend to it. So I start with the irises, and instead of just yanking it like I normally did, which is basically just ripping it off at the surface. I just sort of gently started tugging. And as I started tugging, the root started coming out.
4:02 Speaker 0 And then I started shaking at it, and the dirt started shaking off. And then I take my shovel and I start easing around because I don't want to slice the root. I need to get to the source of it, right? Otherwise, what happens when you just trim something when you cut it off at the surface? Well, that just empowers the roots to start sprouting up other things. Well, I'll be damned, you guys. I get the shovel and I dig underneath and I start popping it up. And because the soil is wet, it's a lot looser. This fucking root went from my irises all the way under our lawn to the other flower bed, 10 feet away to pop up another clump into the peonies. And that same damn root was also the source of the clump of fescue that was now growing in my daisies and in the flocks, and I couldn't believe it.
4:51 Speaker 0 It was all coming from the same root. And if there's one thing I've learned in a decade of coaching people, and all of the research that I've done is that when it comes to the things that aren't working in our life, we have such a low tolerance for going deep that we just try to remove it at the surface. And then all of a sudden, you're dating another loser. All of a sudden, the same shit with your mother showing up. All of a sudden, the same wound from your childhood is getting triggered. Why? Why does this keep happening? I'll tell you why. You're working on the wrong problem. Because you're just trying to clear it away at the surface. You're missing the bigger picture. These problems all connect. There is a root cause that you need to dig out.
5:37 Speaker 0 And today I'm going to teach you how to do it. A fellow listener of the Mel Robbins podcast wrote to me, Ricky. She's 44. She is stuck on the outside. Her life looks amazing. The garden's beautiful, right? But she can't get where she wants to go. She feels like she's lost a part of herself. She doesn't know what the hell's going on. All her friends think her life looks great, but it's not. And let me tell you something. She's working on the wrong problem. But Mel Robbins has her shovel. And I'm going to dig deep and wait till you discover what I find because it comes out of nowhere. You ready? I sure am. Let's start digging.
6:16 Speaker 1 Hi. Hi. It's so good to see you. No, it is so good to see you.
6:24 Speaker 0 Oh,
6:25 Speaker 1 thank you. I am over the moon right now. I feel so giddy, so blessed, so grateful, so thankful. I'm just, yeah. I this is just unreal.
6:36 Speaker 0 Awesome. Well, hopefully you'll still feel the same way after you hear what I have to say. I'm just kidding. Um, so Ricky, thank you so much for taking the time to be with me. I'm so excited to um hear what's going on and see if we can't get you fired up and moving in the right direction. So let's get started. Why don't you just go ahead and tell me what is the challenge that you're facing and uh how can I help you?
7:07 Speaker 1 Oh I am stuck. Okay. Like I feel like I am in quick sand. And every time I try to move, I think. Um and I've been on the personal growth or development for years. I've read like all these self-help books. I've done programs, I've done, but I still feel like my like I'm 44 now. And I feel like life has passed me by. I feel like I'm in a job that's I mean, pays the bills. It's not billing. Um, I thought that I'd be in a you know relationship of have a husband, have kids by now, but don't.
7:55 Speaker 1 I the relationship with myself is not where I'd like it to be.
8:02 Speaker 2 And I also like
8:08 Speaker 1 I'm in the worst shape that I've ever been in my life. And I look at myself in the mirror and I'm just like, okay, those 30 pounds. Where did they come from? Oh, yeah, that's right. You made all these choices of eating bad food, right? And so I just feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I don't know. Well, I do know where to start, but at the same time, I don't I feel like I don't know where to start. So I just feel like Yeah, I I don't know where to go from here because I read all the books because I've done all of that stuff. I'm just like, but I'm still here.
8:48 Speaker 0 Hmm. Okay.
8:55 Speaker 0 Thank you for sharing all of that. And what I got is that you're in a job that's not fulfilling, but it pays the bills, that you're in the worst shape of your life, and you have put on an extra 30 pounds, that you are not where you thought you would be in your personal life because at the age of 44, you thought you'd be married and have four kids, and your relationship with yourself is also in the gutter. And on top of all of this, you have been somebody that has read all these self help books. You are interested in personal development and yet you still feel very stuck. Did I get it? Is there anything else?
9:37 Speaker 1 You got it in a nutshell, pretty much, yeah.
9:40 Speaker 0 Okay. Yeah. So do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Let's go with the bad news. Okay. So the bad news is that you Are you going to have to push through the emotion and the resignation that has built up? That's the bad news. That your own story that you are not where you should be. That you made all these bad choices. That none of the stuff that you do is actually gonna result in the big changes that you want.
10:27 Speaker 0 The bad news is your own attitude and story and emotions are going to be the biggest obstacle in your way.
10:44 Speaker 0 Do you want to know the good news?
10:48 Speaker 1 Yes.
10:49 Speaker 0 Let's get some good news
10:50 Speaker 1 on there.
10:51 Speaker 0 Well, what it what happened? I saw your your face kind of go like
10:59 Speaker 1 when I said
11:00 Speaker 0 the bad news. So what was your reaction to the bad news?
11:09 Speaker 1 Cute. Like it's like I gotta do this. It's just it felt it feels overwhelming. It feels like this is some work, some real work that I have to do. And it feels like daunting.
11:28 Speaker 0 Why does it feel daunting? So
11:32 Speaker 1 I feel like
11:33 Speaker 0 I have so much
11:34 Speaker 1 work to do. I feel like there's just this insurmountable mountain that is just unattainable. But then there's another part of me that's like, no, it's not like you can do this. You you got this, but there's that part of me that's just like,
11:59 Speaker 2 hmm,
12:00 Speaker 1 Ricky, it's not gonna happen for you.
12:04 Speaker 0 And are you experiencing the life that you want to be living right now?
12:12 Speaker 1 No. There's moments. Yeah, but the overall, no.
12:20 Speaker 0 Okay. See, the thing is that the reason why the mountain feels insurmountable is because you've convinced yourself that it's too late. That's the only reason why it feels insurmountable. The work is the work, and the work that will change your life and get you in shape, and help you find a fulfilling career and get your life force back, and have you have a wonderful relationship with yourself, and when that happens, the right person walks in. The work you need to do is the same work everybody needs to do to have those things.
13:05 Speaker 0 It's the story that you're telling yourself that you're already fucked up and that it's too late, and that it's gonna require too much, and it's not gonna happen. That's the only reason why you haven't gotten started. If I could tell you that the best years of your life were ahead of you, would you do the work?
13:33 Speaker 1 Yeah.
13:34 Speaker 0 Okay. Yeah. Great. The best years of your life, Ricky, are ahead of you.
13:42 Speaker 1 You know what? There's a voice in my head right now, and that voice says, This is this is BS. And the best years of your life were before. Like when you were 22, when you were when you're when you were in your 20s, that's what there's like this. There's this recording back there that's
14:05 Speaker 2 saying that.
14:07 Speaker 1 And it's so frustrating. It's extremely frustrating because I want to believe it. I want to believe you when you tell me that my best years are ahead of me. I have friends who tell me that the best years are ahead of me. It's like, why can't I believe that? Why can't I take what you're saying and and actually truly hang on and believe it 100%? Because that's really what I want. There's a
14:32 Speaker 0 number
14:32 Speaker 1 of reasons.
14:33 Speaker 0 Because I gotta believe
14:33 Speaker 1 it to achieve it, right?
14:35 Speaker 0 Yeah. There's a number of reasons why. Number one, you've been telling yourself the other story for so long that it's not gonna happen, that that's being your belief. Number two, because that's been your story, that it's not gonna happen, and you're sad about that, your actions in your day-to-day life, your routines, your rituals, your habits, they now match that story. And so you have started to align with a person who believes that the best days of her life are behind you, which is why you're not taking care of your health. It's why having a job that is slowly sucking your soul dry, but paying the bills is enough.
15:25 Speaker 0 It's why you've kind of given up or lowered your standards when it comes to uh the kind of person that you want to attract, your actions keep you stuck because your actions are the kind of actions that somebody who doesn't believe that the best days of their life are ahead of them, ahead of them are taking. And so the solution is to figure out what the day-to-day life looks like of a woman who believes that the best days of her life are ahead of her, and by God, she's gonna act that way. And I also have a suspicion. I have a suspicion that something happened to you, either in your late 20s or in your 30s, that knocked you on your ass and knocked you off track, and you haven't recovered from it, because it strikes me that you say my 20s were the best time of my life, and so tell me about what was going on in your 20s that made you feel like it was the best time of your life, and then I want to know what the hell happened that changed it.
16:45 Speaker 1 I feel like in my 20s, I was more confident. Um I was doing the things that I liked. I was I was um
17:00 Speaker 1 what really happened? My dad died.
17:04 Speaker 0 Okay. How old were you?
17:12 Speaker 1 Um
17:18 Speaker 1 there was after that, there was some depression that happened, and you know, um significant breakups that happened. Um I feel like those were just like probably things that kind of crushed me. Exactly. And I just didn't really recover.
17:42 Speaker 0 There you go. That's what happened. You experienced profound loss, and the loss of your father followed by the breakup of a significant relationship, spun you around. And you have an opportunity to figure out what does it look like for you and your life now to create that foundation that got ripped out from underneath you when you were in your late 20s. If I had to describe it, I would say that you went through a great loss, and you have spent a decade grieving, and whether you realized it or not, and that in the past couple years, you've spent these past couple years kind of waking up from that and being disappointed with where you are.
19:00 Speaker 0 And that's okay.
19:16 Speaker 0 It's so easy, Ricky, to find yourself in a situation where you've read all the books, you listen to the podcast, but you do nothing is because I think you're stuck also in a kind of freeze trauma response in your body where things kind of stopped moving forward when your dad died. And you went into kind of this mode. I kind of have this vision of you almost like hunkered down, waiting for the next thing to happen. So, like you go into this mode of not dreaming, not going for it, like you used. To in your 20s, but narrowing your focus to just getting through the day.
20:05 Speaker 0 And when you read all the books, you gain knowledge, right? That stays right up here. But what you're dealing with is you're dealing with something that happened to you in your heart and your soul.
20:27 Speaker 0 Is any of this landing for you?
20:33 Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah. And it's the strangest thing is that I've never really put that together. Like I never really connected that. Um I didn't really feel like I've been grieving over for 10 years. I felt like when people ask me like when I think about my dad passing away, I feel like I've grieved, and I feel like I've moved forward, and I feel like I'm okay with it. I've had I didn't really connect my being stuck in my life to that.
21:18 Speaker 0 So I think in some ways you gave up on your own dreams. And then the breakup happened. And maybe was it some was were you with somebody that you thought you were going to marry?
21:36 Speaker 1 I did. Um, and it's weird because it's not just one relationship. It was like everything, every relationship that I kind of got into afterwards, it was just like
21:57 Speaker 2 I don't know.
21:58 Speaker 1 I
21:58 Speaker 2 I I can't even really
22:00 Speaker 1 explain it. Um, but in my mind, I believed that more would come of it. And
22:17 Speaker 1 embarrassed, even like talking about this right now. Why? Um why um
22:39 Speaker 1 because you don't want to be that person that thought there was more, and then there really wasn't and I I feel like that's what I have been, and
22:57 Speaker 1 yeah, that's why and it's it hurts. Um
23:14 Speaker 0 I can see why that would hurt. And I want you to consider looking at those relationships through a different lens, because we're going to start working on the story that you're telling yourself. Because part of the relationship story is I'm a failure, I fall for people, and I think that it's going somewhere, and they don't want me the way that I want them. I'm a failure. And I have a hunch, and again, we just met, but I have a hunch that if you were to look back on those string of relationships that didn't work after your father died, you were coping with your grief.
24:00 Speaker 0 You were not showing up healed, whole, confident you were showing up in those relationships with a whole that grief had created. And so when you get into a relationship and you get attached to somebody because they are filling a need that you have that you can't do in your own life, that's when things get out of balance. And because you were grieving, and I get the sense from you because you strike me a little bit like me that you thought you're fine, so we're gonna move on, and we're gonna keep working, and we're gonna go forward with life, and now I'm gonna meet this person, and everything's okay because I don't want to scratch on that deeper thing that's really painful because I'm okay, and I'm not, and I'm gonna be tough, and yet you carry all that stuff with you.
25:03 Speaker 0 And I think that's what happened in your relationships, that you were so wanting to be um basically to disappear in a relationship and to feel safe again, that you fall very quickly, and then you misread the room, and that's it. That's all that happened again because of the grief, and this is all very normal. And when you start to see that things aren't lining up the way that you expected, you start to feel bad about yourself, and you start to wonder what's wrong with me, and there's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. And what you get to do now, Ricky, is we get to say today is day one of you reclaiming your happiness and taking your life back and healing what needs to be healed, and defining for you what does a really fun and exciting life look like?
26:04 Speaker 0 And so I want to walk you through a super simple exercise, okay? Okay, I can see you processing what emotions are coming up for you.
26:21 Speaker 1 I I don't want to cry. Why?
26:32 Speaker 1 Because I feel like
26:38 Speaker 1 if I cry right now, it'll be really ugly. Great, and it'll just be really sobby and great. Um what
26:48 Speaker 0 are the tears about
26:54 Speaker 1 letting go? I am so used to this might sound really crazy, but so used to feeling a certain way that feeling that imagining feeling differently feels almost uncomfortable.
27:16 Speaker 0 What is the way that you're used to feeling
27:31 Speaker 0 let it come up?
27:33 Speaker 1 That
27:33 Speaker 0 is not
27:35 Speaker 1 doesn't matter how much I how much good comes into my life event, like it will never be how I want it to be, like I will never get to where I all the things that I desire that they'll actually never it'll come so close, but not for me. It happens to everyone else around me, but it won't happen for me.
28:08 Speaker 0 Well, it definitely won't if that's your belief
28:19 Speaker 0 because you won't let it in.
28:27 Speaker 0 Yeah. And is this the way you want to experience life?
28:34 Speaker 1 No,
28:36 Speaker 0 no. No. And what would you have to change about the way that you live your life or the story that you tell yourself in order to have a different experience?
28:59 Speaker 1 I would have to change that story. I would have to change that belief. I would have to do things differently. Yes, you'd have to
29:06 Speaker 0 cry. And the tears are super important because in the topic of your dad, all the tears that you cry over somebody that has died, it's just the love that you didn't get to express while they were here. So it's a way to let love into your life. All the tears that you need to cry over disappointment that you're letting go, that's the baggage and the shame and the kind of beating yourself up that you've been doing for years. That's like a backpack that you drag around. It's a way to release that. You focus so much on holding it together and being strong and moving forward, and then at the same time, like masculine.
29:57 Speaker 0 All this evidence for how things are not working that you're not letting love and joy and connection in. You're protecting yourself from it and you're building a case against it. So many people do this. I did this for so many years, too. Um, you know, I want you to think about something. Maybe this will help. Because I can tell you what to do, Ricky. I can literally, I and I will. I'll tell, I'll give you the domino that you need to tip first that will trigger a ton of other change. And if you just start chipping away at it, we can change absolutely everything.
30:43 Speaker 0 You can lose weight, you can start feeling like you're in your 20s again, you can change your job, you can uh get support and heal and really do the work to complete and feel present with your dad. You can forgive yourself for whatever you're doing, or you can forgive yourself for how you spent the last 14 years. You can do all that. The doing is the easy part. But I want you to have a deeper experience in what you're saying to yourself. And you won't believe it in the beginning. But we gotta figure out what you want to believe, and then we're gonna list a series of rituals that you're gonna do every day that are the actions that a person that believes that their life is amazing, that the best days of their life are ahead, that they deserve to be healthy and happy and vibrant and alive and in love.
31:49 Speaker 0 We gotta start aligning your day-to-day actions with the belief that you want to be driving your life, and so that part's easy. It really is because just here's the shit you need to do, fucking do it. That's it. Like that's change. But there's a deeper breakthrough for you, and I would classify it as letting love in. And I have this visual that I use in my mind because I didn't realize how much I blocked love. I like to think about like your heart and your life as having a door, right? That separates you from the rest of the world. And for many, many years, the door between me and my heart and soul and the rest of the world was this like frickin' mid-century steel thing that you would see on a castle that is impenetrable, right?
32:49 Speaker 0 Because I didn't trust people, I didn't love myself, I didn't feel like I was worthy. I saw all kinds of reasons why I'd fucked things up, why I was a bad person. And as I've done more and more work to be kinder to myself, to change the story about what I want to experience in life, I've started to convert that door. I did a renovation project. I got rid of that door, and I put the kind of doors that you see into a uh kitchen and a restaurant, you know, that's got the tooth, and they swing back and forth because it allows me to be more present to when I'm letting love flow to other people, and more importantly, when I allow the love to flow back to me.
33:48 Speaker 0 Does that resonate at all with you?
33:51 Speaker 1 Yes, and no. Okay. Um, I'll tell you why it doesn't, and maybe you can help me with it, because maybe it doesn't. I'm just not I'm not seeing it. So I am my heart is completely just open for everybody and anyone. Okay. Like when I say that, I'm just like, I'm that friend that's always there. I'm that sister or that person that's always there, holding the space for everybody else, um, being the rock for everyone else, loving, and not because I don't want to, because I really do. I really do. Um so I give so much love. Um I do receive love.
34:37 Speaker 1 I think that I do, but maybe I don't. I don't know. I just you're shaking your head like no.
34:48 Speaker 0 Rocks typically don't allow a lot of love in.
35:00 Speaker 0 And if you're spending a lot of your own energy beating yourself up and feeling disappointed and settling, that's gonna block love that everybody has to give to you. No, no, no, no. The best days of my life are not ahead. No, no, no, no, no. No, I don't need to help. No, I'm okay. No, you don't have to go with me there. No, I can handle this on my own. Uh no, I don't look good in this dress. That's not true.
35:44 Speaker 1 Okay.
35:50 Speaker 1 Yeah. I
35:52 Speaker 0 do that. Me too. Or used to.
36:05 Speaker 0 What do you think changed when your dad died?
36:15 Speaker 1 Um
36:20 Speaker 1 I really don't know. I feel maybe. I've always wanted to make him proud of
36:27 Speaker 2 me.
36:28 Speaker 1 Um when I died, I felt like I
36:38 Speaker 2 didn't get the chance to do that, and that I never will get the chance to do that.
36:44 Speaker 1 Even though he never said that. He never told me he wasn't proud of me. He actually he actually told me before he passed that he was, but I guess I just didn't really believe it because I wasn't proud of me. And I just never got the chance to
37:03 Speaker 2 really,
37:05 Speaker 1 but I never got the chance to really show him who I could have been, who I believed I could be.
37:13 Speaker 0 Thank you for going there. That's what happened. You're the one who decided that was the expiration date on you doing and living and being who you want to be. And, you know, there's that term I've seen a lot of people talking about called quiet quitting. It's almost like you quietly quit on your own ambition and your own dreams. And so I want to reclaim that for you. Okay. Because you're what's your dad's name?
37:53 Speaker 1 Joe.
37:54 Speaker 0 Joe. Joe's still here. Joe's watching. Joe is proud of you. This isn't Joe's shit. This is your shit. And here's the great news. You do have your entire lifetime to make yourself proud. And Joe's watching. And so your first assignment for me is I want you to write a letter to Joe, your dad. And I want you to thank him for being so proud of you. And I want you to tell him that you miss him. And you still feel that he's here. And you thank him for being with you and guiding you.
38:40 Speaker 0 And that you are writing this because you wanted to make a promise to yourself and a promise to him that you are going to go and do some amazing things
39:00 Speaker 0 in your lifetime. And is he buried somewhere? Yes. Is it close by? I want you to go to his grave with the letter. And I want you to read it to him.
39:27 Speaker 0 Okay. Yeah. And one of the things I also want you to do is I want you to think back to your 20s. And I want you to think about the things that you were doing in your 20s before your dad died that you don't do now. What are those things?
39:53 Speaker 1 Taking more risks. Great. I was pursuing some creative things. Great. And I don't do that anymore.
40:04 Speaker 0 Okay, great. So creativity. Because what you're going to put in your letter is, and dad, one of the things that I promised to you and to me that I'm going to do is I'm going to bring back. What is the creative stuff you used to do, Ricky?
40:20 Speaker 1 Acting.
40:21 Speaker 0 I used to act. And I'm going to sign up for an acting class. I'm going to start going to auditions again. I'm going to join the uh community theater. I'm going to try out for the uh summer stock program. Is there anything else that you used to do?
40:42 Speaker 1 Singing. I'm going to start singing. Writing. Great.
40:48 Speaker 0 Writing. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. That's incredible. And the reason why this is so incredible is because a job change doesn't go deep enough to change what's actually blocking your life force and your happiness. And if I were to have started this conversation by going, hey, you know what you should do? You should just go act. You'd be like, what the fuck? No. But when you can connect it to the fact that there is this vibrancy, this self-expression.
41:33 Speaker 0 This flow and exchange. Because what's interesting about acting and singing, right? And writing is it's not just you going out, it's the love that comes back in from castmates and audience and musicians and all the people that are collaborating or witnessing that beautiful self-expression. And so that is a perfect pathway for you to change the direction of your life by simply adding in the things that got lost when your life got turned upside down.
42:19 Speaker 0 And I think the act of writing that letter and going to your dad's grave and making a promise to him and to yourself that this is what you're going to put back into your life will be a way bigger deal and a way bigger motivator than any formula that I could ever give you.
42:54 Speaker 0 See, the research shows that in order for somebody to achieve a goal, a dream, or make a change stick, there are two things that have to be present. You have to have the reason why you're doing it. And you've got to have the way or the how you're going to do it. And you're a smart cookie. You know how to audition. You know how to start singing again, whether it's in a church choir or with a group or whatever. You know how to act. You got the way all day long. You got to connect the why back to your dad and back to you giving yourself permission to be happy.
43:42 Speaker 0 And to be proud of yourself. That's your why. And when you marry those two things with the step by step of just, oh, once a week, I gotta go to my singing group. Oh, once a week, I gotta audition for some. Oh, once a week, I got we're done here.
44:08 Speaker 0 Because if you give yourself permission to do that, it will open up so much momentum and energy that you'll change your job like that. You'll start exercising and taking care of yourself. But that's the missing piece.
44:33 Speaker 1 You know what I just thought of? So it's just like popped into my head. Um I used to really, really love working out, and it never felt like a chore. It was just something I loved to do, and I would be running. And I but when I found where I found out that my dad had passed away was when I was I just finished a workout,
44:56 Speaker 2 and
44:56 Speaker 1 I opened my locker and I checked my phone, and I saw I found out he passed away while I was at the gym. And after that, going to the gym, like yes, I still went, but it never had the same momentum to it anymore. And I'm just connecting that
45:14 Speaker 0 right now. That is a beautiful insight, a life-changing one. Because do you remember what happened is let's go back to that moment. You open up the locker, you reach in and you grab your phone. And how did you learn? There was several messages
45:34 Speaker 1 from my sister that were there. And so I called back, and then she had said to me, I let's worry. I told her I was at the gym. And she's like, okay, just call me when you get home. I was like, what's going on? Something in me knew that he was he had been in the hospital at the time, and something in me, I was just like, just tell me, just tell me. Just tell me. And then she and then she told me.
46:03 Speaker 0 See, yes, you remember because that's a traumatic event in your life. And it got married with something that you love to do. So it makes perfect sense that it pulled the ease and the joy out of the thing that you used to love to do. But now that you have that incredible self-awareness, I would include that in the letter. Yeah. That, and I know you wouldn't have wanted it. And I mean didn't stop doing that. And I didn't either, and I didn't, I I just realized this, and I'm freeing myself of this, and I'm telling you I love you, and thank you for being proud of me.
46:49 Speaker 0 And I'm gonna start running again every day. I'm gonna start doing this. I'm gonna start living again.
47:01 Speaker 0 What are you getting from this conversation?
47:09 Speaker 1 Um like things are clicking that I never actually thought had anything to do with each other. You know, this this conversation we're having, I I had no idea it was gonna go where it went. And I I didn't think that my dad had anything to do with me feeling stuck. You know, it's just it's it's
47:41 Speaker 0 I'm very surprised. Does it make sense?
47:45 Speaker 1 Yeah. It does.
47:48 Speaker 0 You're far away from the death. So it wouldn't make sense in the moment. But when you look backwards over time and you see kind of the events that happened as soon as you found out, and how those then accumulate and start to weigh you down, and then it slowly starts to shift your day-to-day life and the things that you feel like doing, and you mentioned that you had a bat of depression after he died, and the heaviness emotionally that comes with that makes it feel impossible to get to acting or impossible to express yourself or impossible to get to the gym, and you can wake up from a period like that years later, and suddenly you're a person that doesn't exercise anymore, and you're not acting anymore, and you don't quite know why.
48:43 Speaker 0 Because it wasn't like, huh, there was this big thing that happened a year ago. No, it happened over time as you were surviving something traumatic. And your opportunity now, and I'm gonna I'm gonna recap it is I want you to take out a piece of paper, and I want you to draw a line down the center, and on the left hand side, I want you to write down what did an average week look like for you in your 20s. When did you wake up? How often did you see your friends? What were you doing for exercise, your hobbies and your self-expression and your artistry? How often were you engaged in that? And then on the right hand side, you're gonna write down what your day-to-day life or your weekly life looks like now.
49:35 Speaker 0 And then you just compare the two lists and your own life, Ricky, holds the map for tapping back into your life force energy and your joy and your momentum. And I do think that exercise is a critical piece of this, and a simple way to get started is if you were to just walk once, 10 minutes a day outside. That's it. Walk like you're late for 10 minutes. Every day. It is shocking how fast it starts to build the momentum of you moving again.
50:13 Speaker 0 How are you feeling?
50:22 Speaker 1 Good. I mean, like, it's just hopeful. That's what I that's what I should say. I should say hopeful. Terrific.
50:36 Speaker 0 Um. Can you write this letter and go read it to your dad in the next 24 hours?
50:44 Speaker 1 No.
50:45 Speaker 0 Okay.
50:45 Speaker 1 I can write the letter. Okay. Um, right now I'm actually away. I'm on vacation. Oh, great. Okay.
50:53 Speaker 0 When by when can you do this assignment? Um next week. Great. I would love to talk to you after you've done it. Okay. And I'll give you the next step.
51:08 Speaker 1 Okay.
51:09 Speaker 0 Terrific. And in the meantime, compare those two lists. I want you to make sure, add in walking for 10 minutes like you're late every single day. And we will build from there. Okay. Awesome. Oh, and there's one other thing I wanted to tell you. Because how old are you again? 44?
51:31 Speaker 1 44,
51:32 Speaker 0 yes. Okay. So let me
51:35 Speaker 1 tell you something.
51:37 Speaker 0 When I was 44, which would have been 2013, my life was not where I thought it was going to be. I was $800,000 in debt. There were liens on the house. My husband was leaving a restaurant business that was failing and hadn't been paid in six months. I was struggling with a drinking problem. And I had only just given that TEDX talk that had somebody had just put online. I was working two jobs to pay our bills because my husband was so depressed and bottomed out that he couldn't do anything.
52:24 Speaker 0 And I could barely keep the groceries on the table and the lights on at our house. That was 2013. So when I tell you at the age of 44 that the best years of your life are ahead of you, I fucking mean it. You have no idea what you're capable of. But what I do know is that when you figure out why you want your life to be better. And when you put your head down and you chip away at it, you will be startled by what you are able to achieve.
53:14 Speaker 0 I hadn't written a book. I didn't have a podcast.
53:44 Speaker 0 When you figure out how to heal and why you want to create a better life, you will be shocked at what unfolds.
54:09 Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah. Because that sounds exciting to me.
54:15 Speaker 0 Yeah, it is exciting. We need you. We need you. We need you to start acting and writing and singing again. We need you to be happy again. Because when you are, it's going to be incredible to see what you go create.
54:39 Speaker 1 Yeah.
54:42 Speaker 0 Awesome.
54:43 Speaker 1 Thank you.
54:44 Speaker 0 You're welcome. Thank you. I love you.
54:49 Speaker 1 I
54:49 Speaker 0 love you, Mel. All right. Well, we will talk to you after you talk to your dad. Okay. Wow. That was incredible. And you want to know what else is incredible? Ricky did write that letter. And she did go to her father's grave. And she recorded an update for you and me. Check it out. Hi,
55:15 Speaker 2 Mel. It's Ricky. So I went to the cemetery to visit my father. And I went um happened to be the 16th anniversary of when we buried him. It's crazy just the way that it ended up turning out because a friend of mine was driving down that it to that area. And then I asked her if she could uh take me, and she said, sure. And then she said the day that she was going. And I just thought it's just crazy that it just ended up being the exact same day that we buried my dad uh 16 years ago. So that was pretty pretty crazy. Anyway um, so yeah, I went and I brought him some tulips, which were um one of his favorite flowers, his other flower that he loved was the Calililly.
56:06 Speaker 2 But um, yeah, so we he used to plant tulips in our front yard and uh all different colors, and uh Umbright used to love the springtime because of the tulips, but um as
56:19 Speaker 1 I
56:19 Speaker 2 digress. Um so anyway, I read him the letter that I wrote, and I told him, you know, how much I missed him and what he means to me and still um what he meant to me, what he still means to me, and that um I mean I told him about you know how I've kind of been giving up on life because I I wanted his, you know, I wanted to prove I I didn't have the chance to, you know, have him be proud of me. And I told him about the revelations and the aha moments that I had with you, Mel, and that I continued to have after our our session in my journaling. Um it was really nice to just sit there and kind of tell him, you know, everything.
57:10 Speaker 2 Um also told him about how I haven't been showing up in my life and so I'll talk to him about you know the me not, you know, being very um into working out anymore because of, you know, unconsciously, I didn't even realize, but yeah, but um I did I told him all of that and then I went into saying that you know I'm making him a promise that I know that he's proud of me and that I can still make him proud of the life that is ahead of me, and that there's so much to my life that he's gonna be able to watch and see and guide me through my decision still, even just because he's not here physically, that doesn't mean that you know um that he can't help me and that I can't that he can't still be proud of me.
58:07 Speaker 2 So um, yeah, I made him that promise and that I'm gonna start really living my life. And um, yeah, so I just wanted to give you that update, sorted, long and um, yeah. So I just wanted to say thank you, Mel. Thank you so much. And I just feel like everything is just it gonna be like just accelerating. Um, I just I really believe that my life is going to be unrecognizable this time next year. It's just gonna be like so much manifestations of all the things, all the things, relationship, you know, um, career, and anyways, yeah. So that's the my long sorted um update for you.
58:53 Speaker 2 I probably should condense it to something smaller. Um, but yeah, I think that's all I have to say, but thank you.
59:05 Speaker 0 All right. I'm not crying, you're crying.
59:07 Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.
59:10 Speaker 0 I just love this. I love these conversations. I love sharing them with you. I believe her. I believe that everything's accelerating. I believe that her life is going to be unrecognizable this time next year. And the belief is so important. You just experienced what it's like to go from convincing yourself that you can't change and it's never gonna work out for you, to seeing what lies beneath the surface and what happens when you are willing to dig out those roots when you're really to go deep, when you're willing to do the work to truly change what you believe and mean it.
59:57 Speaker 0 Wow. And one other thing that I always mean is that I love you. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. And I always say it because so many people don't have anybody in their life that tells them, I love you. I'm proud of you. And I want you to let that in. Let it in. I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to stop attacking this stuff on the surface and go a little deeper. Connect the dots between where you are and what might have happened to you. And do the work to make today day one of you believing that your life will be unrecognizable this time next year.
1:00:45 Speaker 0 Because if you do the work, it will be. All righty. Talk to you in a few days. Bye. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified profession.
1:01:30 Speaker 0 Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you. So make sure you subscribe.
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