8 Steps to Save Any Relationship & Stop Ruining It

Have you ever found yourself comparing your current partner to someone from your past? Are you wondering why your current relationship isn’t as happy as it used to be? If you’re currently struggling with keeping your relationship afloat, then this episode is for you. We all know that effective communication is the key to maintaining healthy connections, and I am here to guide us on how to better express our thoughts and concerns to our loved ones. Here's the first golden rule in improving your relationships – someone's past behavior doesn't define them today. And it's not just about their actions; it's about what you bring to the table as well. Let's take a look at crucial insights on how we tend to fill in the gaps with our own assumptions, the importance of asking the right questions, and why criticism rarely leads to positive change. And always consider the significance of seeing vulnerability as strength and not putting your loved ones down in public. In this episode, you'll learn: The reasons why relationships fail How to avoid actions that ruin relationships How to become a better listener How to communicate yourself effectively We're in for a heartfelt discussion that will surely help you strengthen your relationships and take a step closer to the happier, healthier connections you deserve. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:38 How to Better Communicate Issues in Your Relationship 03:31 #1: Someone's Behavior Doesn’t Make Them The Same As Someone You Were With Before 09:01 #2: Don't Fill In Uncertainties Mentally 13:26 #3: We All Have A Long List Of Needs 18:12 #4: Ask Yourself These Three Questions 20:38 #5: Criticism Doesn’t Help Change, Coaching Does 23:27 #6: Seeing Opening Up As A Weakness 26:33 #7: Criticism Is Often Linked With Comparison 27:20 #8: Don’t Put Them Down In Public See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. Remember this, criticism doesn't help change, coaching does. This is probably my number one thing, and it's what I experienced with my wife, Radhi, that transformed how I felt about this. I found when I was in relationships that they'd be critical of how I spent my time, they'd be critical of whatever it may be. Radhi was one of the first people that I ever met that didn't criticize me. There was coaching, there was opportunities, there was questions, there was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism.

• 3:44Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world where you're investing in becoming happier, healthier, and more healed. I genuinely love hearing from you when I'm walking around. I just finished an event in Dallas where I was doing a corporate speaking engagement, and so many of you from the audience were saying that On Purpose is a part of your daily ritual, whether you're listening while you're in the gym, or walking your dog, or your commute. It means the world to me that I get to be your workout partner, even though I don't get the benefits of the workout. But I love being your commute partner. I love being your workout partner. I love being the podcast that you're dissecting with your friends. I want to give a big shout out to

• 4:27Jay Shetty?

  everyone who's allowing me to be me and allowing me to be seen as well when I'm sitting down with someone that people may not expect me to sit with, when I'm having conversations that people don't expect me to have, or when I'm recording an episode like one of these where I'm tackling a difficult topic. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for hearing me out. I am so grateful to you. And today's episode is something that I've been thinking about for a long time. And what's really interesting about it is that I'm meeting so many people who keep asking me, Jay, I want to save my relationship. Jay, I want to, you know, I want to stop ruining my relationship. I feel like I'm sabotaging

• 5:10Jay Shetty?

  my relationship based on my behavior, based on the way I talk to my partner, the way I talk about my partner. And we may not say I want to save my relationship, or I want to stop ruining it. But I think we all recognize that we want our relationships to be better. We want our relationships to improve. And we want to be in a position where we're not feeling like we're the one taking our relationship a few steps backwards. Right? Maybe you felt before that you said something and you're like, that just set me back two years. Or maybe you did something and you're like, oh, that just set us back a few months. I thought we were out of that place. I thought I was out of that place. And so today, I want to give you some steps and strategies as to how we cause issues

• 5:54Jay Shetty?

  in our relationships, and how we can actually better communicate them. I don't think having challenges and issues is abnormal. I would actually say that it's more normal. But I think the way we communicate them and the way we make our partners aware, the way we carry that awareness makes a big difference as to how that becomes an argument.

• 6:17Jay Shetty?

  And a disagreement versus a healthy discussion, a debate, or a curiosity. And I think that's what I find so fascinating about relationships is that you can have the same conversation, but one can be with affection and still be assertive, and one can be full of argumentative, poorly articulated points of view. So, one of the first ways that we begin to ruin relationships, and if we want to save ours, what we need to be really mindful of, is don't assume someone's behavior makes them the same as someone you were with before. Often when we see similar behavior patterns,

• 6:59Jay Shetty?

  we assume that the current person is doing it for the same reasons as the person we were with before. So let's say, for example, this person goes really quiet when you have an argument. Now, your last partner went quiet, but eventually you figured out that's because they didn't care. Now, with this partner, when they go quiet, you think, "They must be going quiet because they don't care." Right? It's very normal as humans to draw that parallel, to connect the dots, to feel that's the pattern. Let me take another example. Maybe this partner of yours, let's say they always forget to take the trash out, or they forget to stock up the refrigerator when they finish something, right? A daily thing that could happen.

• 7:43Jay Shetty?

  Now, your last partner did that, and what you figured out eventually is that they were not very thoughtful, that they were not conscientious. And with this partner, maybe they're busy. Maybe they've just had a lot going on. Maybe they have done it before, and right now, they're just going through a really tough time. What I find is that when we assume, when we believe we know why our partner is acting the way they're acting, because we're basing it on previous experience, not only is this a very normal and coherent thing to do, it's expected for us to do, but it sets us up for failure. Because A, you never get to know the intentions of the person you're currently with.

• 8:24Jay Shetty?

  B, the last person is somewhat irrelevant and insignificant to this relationship. And three, you stop being curious and you come to a conclusion.

• 8:36Jay Shetty?

  Whenever we stop becoming curious with our partners and we draw conclusions without information, without insight, without data, without questions, we are setting our relationship up to fail. We're going to struggle to save that kind of a relationship because we've already made our mind up as to why someone behaves the way they do. Now, let's say it is their reason, maybe it is their reason, right? Maybe that is why they are behaving that way. But it's really important to check. So in that situation, it's so important to go up to someone and say, "Hey, I noticed that you've done this or done this. So I've noticed that you go quiet during an argument. Can you tell me why that is?" Now, notice how different that is to the question we usually ask.

• 9:21Jay Shetty?

  The question we usually ask is, "Why do you go so quiet? You probably don't care," right? That projection of the previous person not only is existing in our mind and our belief system, it's actually articulated to them, "You probably don't care. That's why you go quiet." Now, what does that do? That sets off alarm bells for them and they go, "Well, no, no, no, I do care. I'm not going quiet. Why would you think that?" Right? And now you've started going down a route that doesn't solve the problem. The problem was they go silent. The problem wasn't that they go silent because they don't care. So saying to someone, "You're always so quiet. You don't care about me," versus saying to them, "I noticed and observed that you often go quiet when we're having a tough discussion or having an argument. What's your reasoning? Where does that come from?"

• 10:06Jay Shetty?

  Now, that person may not have an answer straight away. They may not even be aware of why they go quiet. They may not even be aware that they do go quiet. And this is what I find is so common in relationships, that we don't have that awareness. We don't have that consciousness. And we don't recognize that sometimes people are so unaware of their own behavior and we don't give them time. We don't give them space. We don't give them an opportunity to articulate that or become conscious. So they may say, I don't go quiet. And we go, yes, you do. Here are three examples of when you went quiet. Now, what have we done? We've put them on the defensive. What have we've done? We've made them feel inadequate. And what have we done? We've made them feel like they don't know themselves, rather than saying, "Well, think about it for a certain amount of time.

• 10:50Jay Shetty?

  I'd love to hear how you feel you deal with arguments." Notice how different that is. Now, when we want that immediate, instant response to feel better, this is the question we have to ask ourselves. Are we trying to feel better about ourselves in the moment? Is that why we're arguing? Or are we trying to solve the root of the issue? And I find that those two questions will very quickly let you decipher whether you're going to win or whether you're going to lose. If you're trying to figure out how to solve the real problem, you are always going to win. If you're trying to feel better in the moment, you are likely to create more long-term issues. Please use that checking question. My wife Radhi's cookbook is launching on February 27th.

• 11:34Jay Shetty?

  It's called Joyful and will help you cook plant-based dishes effortlessly. I'm so excited for her recipes to be in your hands so you can make them in your home for the people you love the most. And it would mean the world to me if you go to J O Y F U L L book dot com to preorder now for an exclusive video and a daily wellness guide for free made by Radhi. Again, that's joyful book dot com. J O Y F U L L book dot com. And you get your free daily wellness guide made by Radhi. Now, point number two. Don't fill in uncertainties mentally. This is often similar to the first idea,

• 12:18Jay Shetty?

  but now it's not based on someone you dated in the past. It's based on your own imagination. So don't fill in uncertainties mentally. We project our insecurities onto someone else. I'll give an example. Let's say you just got your hair done. Or let's say you just tried a new hairstyle. Or let's say you bought a new top or skirt, or you bought a new pair of jeans, or you bought whatever it is, right? And this applies to everyone of all genders. And you're hoping that when you walk through the door or when you're ready for date night, your partner's gonna say, "You look amazing. You look great. Oh, I love that new fit on you. I love that new jacket on you." And you're waiting for it. Whatever it may be, you're waiting for that compliment. Now, they don't say it.

• 13:01Jay Shetty?

  And in your head, you start thinking, "Oh, they don't think I'm cute anymore. They're not attracted to me anymore." Or maybe the hair doesn't look good. Maybe I was wrong. "Oh, I should have told the hairdresser. I didn't wanna try this out." Maybe they're attracted to someone else. Maybe they're not into me anymore. Right? So what we've done is we had an expectation that we never communicated, based on something that we thought about. We now, when that expectation is not met, we are filling that space between our expectation and what we received with mental chatter based on our insecurities. There is no fact there. There is no checking there again. And what does that do?

• 13:43Jay Shetty?

  It starts to paint a narrative about your relationship that is only based on your imagination, your opinion. So you're now painting a whole narrative about how someone feels about you without even knowing anything, based on a inaction. The idea is they didn't say anything, and that has made you think something. Notice how we wouldn't allow that to happen to our friend. If our friend did that, we'd say, "Well, you don't know if that's true." Like, "Hey, your hair does look good. And, you know, hey, I didn't even notice that you had your hair done, right? It's, I've got so much going on. Maybe they missed out." But when it comes to our own lives, we just assume. And by the way, we do this in multiple relationships, not just romantic ones, at work. Your boss doesn't say you did well at work.

• 14:27Jay Shetty?

  Straight away, we're like, "Oh, I'm not getting promoted. I'm getting fired." Right? They didn't talk about me at lunch. I saw them talk about someone else. And all of a sudden, we're assuming and we're filling the gaps in with our own mental insecurity and mental chatter. So, all of that being said, what do we do? Imagine you sat down with your partner and said to them... In the car, usually what happens in the car is you're then silent with them because they didn't say anything. You're upset with them. They're wondering what's going on with you and they're like, hey, I thought we were excited about tonight. What's going on? And you're like, oh, nothing. It doesn't matter. And they're like, no, no, no, tell me what, what happened? And you're like, oh, it doesn't matter. And then you're like, God, you just never noticed me anymore. I feel like you don't love me anymore. Right? You make a statement that is so overarching that then they go, no, of course I love you.

• 15:12Jay Shetty?

  I, I think you're beautiful. And they're like, when then you're like, well, why didn't you tell me then? Right? Now the conversation sounds irrational. You know, you sound irrational, but you've got to stick to it. Right? You've got to stick to irrationality because you've gone down that road. Now let's talk about how that conversation could have been handled differently. Maybe you say to them, hey, I want to share with you, and this is a tool that I love in coaching. And it also comes up in therapy is talking to someone about the expectation you had and how you feel. So saying to your partner, hey, so I came down with the expectation that I felt like I looked great and I wanted to do that for you. And when you didn't tell me that I looked beautiful, I felt like maybe you didn't like what I was wearing. And I just wanted to hear how you felt about it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts.

• 15:55Jay Shetty?

  And then your partner gets to say, you know what? Actually, I'm so sorry. I've just had so much on at work right now. I had a really crazy day. I'm really excited for date night, but I wasn't in the zone. Or they get to say, hey, you know what? Actually, I'm not sure I love that jacket, but I love it for you. And now you've got to realize that that's what a good, healthy conversation looks like. Right? You don't want your partner to lie to you and say that they love your new hair or love whatever it is, just to make you feel better. But sometimes we pressurize our partners and we pressurize the people in our lives to tell us they love everything we do. Because we're not open to that feedback. We're not open and curious to what they actually think. So I want you to again, check, check before you fill the gaps with your insecurities. Now, point number three, how do you save any relationship and stop ruining it based on your past?

• 16:40Jay Shetty?

  One of the biggest mistakes we make or the way we ruin relationships is we all have a long list of needs. They may be compliments. It may be reassurance. It may be advice on our new startup. It may be investment advice. It may be money advice. It may be advice on dealing with our parents. Often the way I see it is, especially when I'm coaching clients and working with people. A lot of people want their partner to be their therapist, their coach, their business partner and their friend. Sometimes even their mom and their dad. Right? A lot of us want our partners to be our therapist, our coaches, our business partners, our friends, and potentially even act like our parents, sometimes. Now, what does that do?

• 17:25Jay Shetty?

  First of all, no one has the ability to be all of those. And second of all, even those people don't have the ability to be those things perfectly. Right? Our parents aren't perfect, our friends aren't perfect, our business partner's not perfect, even a therapist and a coach are not perfect. So not only is it impossible for even those professions to play those roles perfectly, we're now expecting one person to perfectly play five roles that are individually extremely difficult. A therapist takes years of training. Coaches take years of great training, right? Businesses take years of great practice. A friend takes years to build. And parents, of course, I mean, that can take decades to get right.

• 18:09Jay Shetty?

  But it's really fascinating that we have a long list of needs and we want our partner to not only be able to play one of them, we want them to be able to adapt. And by the way, I didn't even say partner yet. We want them to be our husband or our wife, right? We want them to play that role too. And we want them to be a perfect dad, or mom, or parent, or whatever it may be. So just think about how many roles we're expected to play. And maybe your partner's the person who expects it of you. And think about how many roles you're expecting your partner to play. So here's how I want you to think about it. I love this tool and I recommend doing it right now. I want you to write down everything you love doing and everything you love feeling. So you may say, "I love going to watch basketball."

• 18:51Jay Shetty?

  You may say, "I love feeling reassured." Right? What are the things that you want from other people? Now, first of all, I'm going to remind you, I want you to do those things with yourself. I am going to double down on the solitude point. Take yourself to a basketball game, give yourself compliments, reassure yourself for sure. But there are other episodes on that, and Eight Rules of Love dives deeply into that in Chapter 1. But in this episode, I want to talk to you about this idea of have a list of things that you really want to feel and do in life. And I want you to write the name of a different person next to each of those. So for basketball, you're like, "All right, yeah, my friend loves basketball." Great. "Okay, I want to go watch dance performances." "All right, which one of my friends loves dance?" "Okay, perfect." Okay, I want to feel confident and reassured. Okay, which one of my friends makes me feel that way?

• 19:36Jay Shetty?

  Or maybe my sister makes me feel that way. Okay, great. Now, I wanna feel complimented. Oh, I don't get compliments from anyone, actually. All right, I'm gonna compliment myself first, but I would love to receive them from my partner. So what you do is you start finding different people in your life that play different roles. Some for business advice, some for life advice, some to just hear your pains, whatever it may be. And the beauty of that is you start recognizing that you have so many other people in your circle. And if you start recognizing you don't have people in your circle, you are now very accountable to go and build those relationships. When we don't want to be accountable for building these relationships, we make our partners accountable to fill that gap.

• 20:21Jay Shetty?

  That ruins relationships. Rather than going, I love my sister for this, I love my mom for this, I love my partner for this, I love this for this, whatever it may be, right? Finding people, like, for example, my wife loves high-intensity workouts. I really don't like high-intensity workouts. And if my wife wanted to do that with me, I wouldn't be able to keep up with her. I wouldn't be able to fulfill that need, right? There are some things she wants to talk to her sister about, wants to talk to her best friend about, wants to talk to her mom about. That isn't interesting. Like, her mom and her will talk about what they eat every day and what they're making for food and all the rest of it. And that's awesome, but I'm not the person to have that conversation. Similarly, I may want to have a certain conversation about a topic, which is about how we present, how we feel and what we think about. And that may not be the conversation that I'm having with her.

• 21:06Jay Shetty?

  I'm having it with one of my friends. So make a list of everything you wanna do and everything you wanna feel and find people. It may be your friend who loves adventure vacations, your friend who loves music concerts, right? Like, expanding that social network to feel that social strength. Point number four is something I repeat in my book, but I still feel it needs to be re-said because it needs to be refined. In order to have a healthy relationship, in order to savor a relationship, in order to know whether a relationship's going to last, you have to ask yourself three questions. Do I like their personality? What I mean by that is, if you ask someone what they like to do, they may say they like traveling. Now, you may like traveling too. But the question is, do you like their personality and how they talk about traveling? So if they were like, well, where have you been? And you were like, oh, well, last year

• 21:51Jay Shetty?

  I just went to one place. And they're like, only one place? I went to like seven last year. Like, come on. Their personality is ego and arrogance in that moment. Of course, I'm using a very simple example. Their personality isn't that they like to travel. You may think, oh, they like to travel. We're the same. No, they just demonstrated to you that they have a pride and ego around how they travel. Do you like that? That's what you're thinking about when you're thinking about personality. The second question is, do you respect their values? This is a really critical one. Because when I say, do you respect someone's values? That means you don't want to change them. If you respect someone's values, it means you don't have to value what they value. And you're not expecting your partner to value what you value. You want them to respect what you value.

• 22:36Jay Shetty?

  I love that one of my wife's values is she loves healthy eating. I respect that. I value it for myself too, but I respect it first in her. I respect that to her, her workout is a non-negotiable. For me, even though I respect that, sometimes my workout is negotiable because of how much I have going on and some other priorities that I have. So I can't expect her to devalue it because I may devalue it sometimes. And she can't expect me to value it to the same level as hers. We have to respect each other's values. And what I find so often is we actually want our partners to value what we value. We want them to like what we like, which isn't really the case for a good relationship.

• 23:20Jay Shetty?

  And finally, do we want to help people towards their goals? Or do we want to change their goals? You will ruin a relationship if you want to change someone's values or if you want them to value what you value. They should respect what you value, but you can't force them to value it. And you can't force them to change their goals. If you think your partner isn't ambitious enough, if you think your partner isn't something else enough, whatever it is that they're not enough of, it's going to be very unlikely that they make a drastic, drastic change. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for,

• 24:05Jay Shetty?

  like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market,

• 24:47Jay Shetty?

  who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading,

• 25:29Jay Shetty?

  but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 26:14Jay Shetty?

  Wayfair, every style, every home. So, point number five. This is probably my number one thing, and it's what I experienced with my wife Radhi that transformed how I felt about this. Remember this, criticism doesn't help change. Coaching does. I found when I was in relationships that a lot of people were very critical. They'd be critical of how I spent my time. They'd be critical of what I like doing. They'd be critical of what I was wearing, whatever it may be. Now, Radhi may sometimes do that. But Radhi was one of the first people that I ever met that didn't criticize me about

• 26:56Jay Shetty?

  my habits, about my way of living, about my approach. There was coaching, there was opportunities, there was questions, there was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism. I find a lot of us who ruin relationships, and if you want to save a relationship, remove criticism. So many of us will go up to our partners and go, "Why do you always do this? Why do you never do this?" Right? The words "always" and "never" are not factual, they're subjective. We always say things like, "Oh, you need to stop doing this. Can you just stop? Like, why do you do this?" Right? It's criticism. "Oh, I really don't like it when you do that. Oh, I really don't appreciate that." Right? There's so much criticism. And criticism puts someone on the defensive, it makes someone feel less than, it makes

• 27:40Jay Shetty?

  someone feel inadequate, it completely makes someone feel like you don't believe they can change. Now, you may say, "Oh, no, no, my partner's tough, they know they can change." No, I promise you, I promise you, you can discourage, dishearten, and put someone in a disconnect from change just through criticism. Think about children. All of us have a little child in us that was criticized too much, that heard too much negativity growing up, that was told that we wouldn't be anything, and when we hear that from our partner, gosh, does that trigger. Right? That's what triggers, is that little self inside of you. So you may say, "No, my partner's grown, they can handle it." I promise you, no matter how

• 28:24Jay Shetty?

  How emotionally intelligent or how emotionally aware someone is, if they are criticized about something, it takes them right back there. And what does criticism do? It makes someone act out like a child. It makes them go right back to that and now they're going to behave in a childlike way, or actually rather a childish way. And now it's harder for them to change, rather than in an adult way, if you said to them, "Hey, what's blocking you? What are you struggling with right now? I've noticed that there's something on your mind. What's going on? Talk to me. I'm up for it. Let's discuss it." That kind of approach is more of a coach approach than a criticism approach. Saying, "Hey, look, I've noticed that it's been hard for you to get around to this or get around to that. Like, what's going on? Talk to me."

• 29:07Jay Shetty?

  And often you'll find that that person, and this is point six, they don't know how to open up because they see opening up as a weakness. And then we see that as like, "Oh, my partner doesn't want to open up. My partner doesn't want to talk about their feelings." Well, guess what? Chances are, because they're scared that if they share how they feel, it makes them appear weak. There's something known as the John Wayne syndrome or the hero complex. And it's something that stops people from responding effectively and their ability to engage in challenging conversations or even challenging tasks. And it comes from the idea that people believe they need to be bulletproof,

• 29:48Jay Shetty?

  or they need to be perfect, or they need to be fully stoic or strong. There's a line that was said by John Wayne that kind of coined this. "Never apologize, mister. It's a sign of weakness." John Wayne, under direction John Ford, said this phrase as Captain Nathan Brittle's in the 1949 Western She Wore a Yellow Ribbon. I'll say it again. "Never apologize, mister. It's a sign of weakness." Notice how that sets in itself an idea that, "Oh, if I apologize, it makes me look weak and I know my partner doesn't like weakness because they expect me to be perfect and strong and so I won't go there." This has kind of penetrated itself through society

• 30:32Jay Shetty?

  where we find that men are often given this, again, they're also given the criticism that not only do they not open up, that men don't like to open up. This rhetoric, this narrative creates a reality where men then struggle to open up. And you know, people will say things like, I don't know what he's thinking because he never tells me what's going on. And I Village did a study where they found forty-two percent of women have a hard time getting their partner to share their feelings. And when that happens, they often feel shut out and misunderstood. What I've really found is that people are scared of rejection or not being received. They don't want to be seen as weak. They're scared that they may be criticized in the future. So here's how it's going down in someone's mind.

• 31:16Jay Shetty?

  They say sorry, or they express that, hey, I'm really struggling with this. And now they feel that you're gonna use it in another argument where it's like, look, you couldn't even deal with that. Now you can't deal with this. They're scared of that weakness being exposed and re-exposed again and again and again. Our partners want to know that we're happy with them. Our partners want to know that we're pleased with them. Our partners want to know what they get right. You may say, we're adults. They should know it. Come on, they don't need to hear it. I promise you, we're all children inside. We all have a little child inside of still wanting us to know that, hey, I'm really proud of you. Hey, I really appreciate you. And you may think that sounds patronizing, but I promise you, you need it as well. I'm proud of you. I see you. I really appreciate you.

• 32:01Jay Shetty?

  I really notice and love when you do that. Thank you for doing that. And I know you struggle with this, and I'm happy to figure it out with you and understand why. That's how you talk to someone you love, not criticism. And point number seven, criticism often is linked with comparison. Sometimes we don't criticize directly, we criticize indirectly, which comes in the form of comparison. Oh, did you see what they did? Oh, my gosh, their vacation looked amazing. Oh, my God, did you see the ring that he got? Wow, that's incredible. Oh, my God, did you see what she did for them on Valentine's Day? Oh, that was beautiful. Oh, my God, did you see what they did for his birthday? Oh, my gosh, right?

• 32:41Jay Shetty?

  We've all said things like that. There's a passive aggression of comparison. We are trying to make our partner get the message. And then our partner goes, oh, is that what you wanted? We're like, no, no, no, nothing like that, right? Comparison pushes people away.

• 32:55Jay Shetty?

  It pushes people away because again you've made your partner feel more and more inadequate. And number eight, this is a definite no-no. If you want to save your relationship, stop doing this. Don't put them down in public. I've heard people say things as a joke, "Oh, he doesn't know what he's doing in his life right now." You know, everyone struggles in that area. You say these statements that you think people can handle. Again, we keep saying, "Oh yeah, they're an adult. They can deal with it." With that little child inside that remembers when we were ridiculed in public, it's going to make that person quieter. It's going to make them open up less. "Oh, he never opens up. He doesn't, he's not in touch with his feelings." Those statements push someone away. I'm sending you lots of love. I hope that this helps you save your relationship. I hope it stops you from ruining a good one.

• 33:40Jay Shetty?

  And I hope it helps you build conscious communication. Thank you so much for listening. Please do leave a review. It means the world. It makes a huge difference. I know so many of you have been talking about so many of the episodes recently. There's been amazing buzz around the conversations, the solos. Share this with a friend. Share this with a friend who you know may be struggling. Sending you lots of love. Thank you so much.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami.

• 34:19Jay Shetty?

  They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Ravenette.

• 34:28Jay Shetty?

  What would happen if I stopped doing it? You're stalled, you freeze in there, that's what.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 34:36Jay Shetty?

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 34:37Speaker 01

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.