Snack Attack III: Rise of the Meat Flute

Conan and his team sample a selection of anonymously donated premium meat flutes.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  When it comes to insurance, Farmers doesn't like surprises. That's why there's Farmers coverage on a page. What is it you ask? Did you ask? I don't think you did, but let's pretend you did.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. What is that?

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  It's your coverage on a page, pretty straightforward.

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  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's good, because sometimes it gets confusing, you know? What am I covered for? What am I not? Here, it's all on a page. Does your insurance do that? Get a quote to get started at Farmers.com. Don't be confused, don't wonder. Farmers makes it pretty clear. Underwritten by Farmers Truck or Fire Insurance Exchanges or affiliate. Products not available in every state.

• 0:37Speaker 02

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• 1:11Speaker 03

  Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 1:20Speaker 04

  Today, in lieu of a fan episode, we're going to address something very special. A couple months ago, we did an episode with our talent coordinator, Maddie Ogden, about the snack basket that she leaves for guests when they come in. And you took some real issues.

• 1:35Conan O'Brien?

  I did.

• 1:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:36Conan O'Brien?

  And I pointed out some flaws, which I think was important, because I'm going to say this, guests were not taking the baskets. They weren't even taking much of the food from the baskets. And I noticed that it was a lot of green chips made of kale. Yeah, super healthy stuff, and...

• 1:53Speaker 04

  Mushroom jerky was one of the contentious things in there, yeah.

• 1:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. We had rats here at Larchmont who were starving to death, and they didn't touch... Those snacks. I opened the snacks and put them out for the rats. And they left a note that said, fuck you.

• 2:10Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful calligraphy.

• 2:11Speaker 04

  In the second episode, I believe, where you, Maddie, kind of gave you her new snacks for approval.

• 2:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 04

  Blay, maybe you can weigh in on this. The subject and idea and concept of something called a meat flute came up.

• 2:24Speaker 05

  Well, originally, so Conan, to your point, you had complained that there wasn't enough protein in the snack basket.

• 2:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:31Speaker 05

  You work out a lot and you wanted to get.

• 2:32Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you for noticing, yeah.

• 2:33Speaker 05

  Wanted to get some protein. And then we thought, oh, but also, we were, we work at a whimsical, funny place. And then we said, well, it might be fun if we give the guest something, not only protein, but something they could take home and use, like a meat flute. And so fans took, took this suggestion, they loved it, and they, they ran with this meat flute idea.

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay.

• 2:53Speaker 05

  Big hit with the fans.

• 2:54Conan O'Brien?

  Good.

• 2:54Speaker 06

  One other thing to add is that we decided it would make more sense for us to have our own product than to be using other people's products. And you were adamant that you wanted to retain all of the profits.

• 3:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes. This sounds like me. If the idea, I remember when the idea of the meat flute came up, there was some concept that, oh, we'll team up with some company. And I was thinking, wait a minute, why can't we, I mean, we have a building here. I would guess it's not that hard to curate meats and sell them to FDA.

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Who's gonna do like, just the five of us are gonna like.

• 3:28Conan O'Brien?

  I don't have to worry about it. My idea, I'm an idea guy. And then it's up to Adam to get one of you two to sort of

• 3:34Speaker 06

  What?

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  Slice and dry meats.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  That's you, girls, you would do that.

• 3:38Conan O'Brien?

  Why?

• 3:39Speaker 01

  You would make your own meat.

• 3:41Conan O'Brien?

  You look like a guy that would wear

• 3:42Speaker 01

  You're a guy who, you make your own meat.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  I get to wear like a, like a Leatherface apron?

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Oh, I wasn't thinking that, but yeah, okay. I thought like as a hobby.

• 3:50Conan O'Brien?

  Or maybe the apron itself would be made of meats. And dried.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  All right.

• 3:53Conan O'Brien?

  But my point, my point is that I think this would be a great idea, and it's a revenue stream. And I'm always being encouraged to explore new revenue streams. And I think meat flute. Uh, the Conan brand?

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, baby.

• 4:08Conan O'Brien?

  It's...

• 4:09Speaker 04

  Well, consider this.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Print, print paper.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  This episode today is, is kind of almost like exploring all options. Cause we did have some fans mock up some meat flutes. And you can see these at Teen Coco Podcast on Instagram. Also, of course, if you watch the YouTube of this video. But there's a bag there.

• 4:25Conan O'Brien?

  I love, I mean, that photo of me is fantastic. I look in, I look just like, I'm the most deliriously happy person you've ever seen on any food product. And that's really saying something.

• 4:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:38Conan O'Brien?

  That guy's just electric with joy.

• 4:40Speaker 04

  But look at the little details in this. All proceeds go to him.

• 4:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 04

  And then there's like an FDA badge down there with just a skull.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  It says not really cleared by the, and then the FDA is in big letters.

• 4:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, but is that meat or is it like chips? I can't tell from here.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  I know, I don't know what that is.

• 4:56Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, don't worry about it.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Are you supposed to be able to play the meat flute?

• 5:00Speaker 04

  Well, this is the other thing is it became obviously like a very phallic joke of Conan's meat flute.

• 5:04Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I was, you know what? I was hoping it wouldn't go down that road.

• 5:06Speaker 04

  It already did, it already had.

• 5:08Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just too bad, that just breaks my...

• 5:09Speaker 01

  You wanted to keep it clean.

• 5:10Speaker 04

  Here's, here's what you're talking about.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  That is so disgusting. That looks so bad.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  All proceeds go to him, Conan's meat flute. And it's just a flute made out of meat.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  It's so ugly.

• 5:20Speaker 04

  It is.

• 5:21Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean? It looks like a flute.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, but it just, it looks like something from like the Dark World of the Hobbits or something.

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, I think that looks perfectly fine. You guys are reading into it. Uh, it's nice, it's a flute, it looks like it would actually play some fine music. Um, and we could, we could try it out, but I would buy that. Oh, come on, if you were in a truck stop, you wouldn't buy that?

• 5:43Speaker 04

  Uh.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  No, I wouldn't, I would not buy that at all.

• 5:46Speaker 04

  We also got some shirts that have been made.

• 5:48Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  This shirt is made by Carrie London, who's a huge fan. And she has a T-shirt company called Husties.

• 5:55Conan O'Brien?

  Let's see these, this is nice.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  Conan's meat flute, all proceeds go to benefit Conan and Conan-related shenanigans.

• 6:01Conan O'Brien?

  I love this and, um, look at, this is a great depiction. Of me, or John F. Kennedy, or Ted Kennedy, or Robert Kennedy, or George Kennedy, the actor from Airport. This is it, or Kennedy, the VJ. This is great art. This is my favorite color, Heather Green. It really is. It's nice.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  It's a nice color on you.

• 6:25Conan O'Brien?

  One of the photos was done by Tommy Tune on Reddit. The other one was Fossil Sandwich on Reddit. Okay, maybe Tommy Tune, the choreographer, too, maybe. Yeah, who knows? I'm not sure about the shirts.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  You're playing the meat flute here.

• 6:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  It doesn't look like you're playing it.

• 6:41Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean?

• 6:41Speaker 01

  It looks like you're fellating it.

• 6:44Conan O'Brien?

  Why do you do that?

• 6:45Speaker 01

  Look at your face!

• 6:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah? That's not the, that's the face of someone who's being fellated. Blowing meat. People who are fellating, I don't think. Well, notice you can't see the bottom of the shirt, what's going on.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Oh, God!

• 6:58Conan O'Brien?

  Let me see. What? I don't understand.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  You're, it doesn't, that doesn't look sexual to you.

• 7:03Conan O'Brien?

  No, I see nothing sexual there.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Okay, why are your eyes bulging out of your head like that?

• 7:09Conan O'Brien?

  If I was being fellated, my eyes would be popping out of my head. If I'm fellating someone, and I say this from experience, my eyes aren't popping out of my head.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  You're, you don't-

• 7:19Conan O'Brien?

  I'm like, let's get this done.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  No one makes this face when they're-

• 7:22Conan O'Brien?

  Before that police officer comes back.

• 7:25Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 7:27Speaker 01

  No one makes this face when they're making music.

• 7:29Conan O'Brien?

  God, you can't get any peace at this YMCA?

• 7:33Speaker 01

  No, no one makes this face.

• 7:34Conan O'Brien?

  Can a fella get a break? I'm wiking here! Um, yeah, I don't see, I don't get a sexual thing there. I don't at all.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  That's a sexual thing, for sure.

• 7:41Conan O'Brien?

  I don't.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  There's a sexual under-.

• 7:43Conan O'Brien?

  This is a real litmus test. Yeah, you can look at a filing cabinet, and you go, oh, I see what that is. That's a dick, and that's a veg.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Well, files go into it, so yeah, there is something sexual about filing cabinets.

• 7:54Conan O'Brien?

  Out of control.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:55Conan O'Brien?

  Abacus, abacus, sexual? Little balls you're sliding?

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Little ball, yeah, you're playing with these little balls?

• 8:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  You're adding up all these balls?

• 8:03Conan O'Brien?

  You're adding up, and then you're like, huh huh huh, you know? Calor.

• 8:08Speaker 04

  Well, now that you've seen the external pitches, we actually amazingly had John Rao, the prop master.

• 8:15Conan O'Brien?

  John Rao, shout out to John Rao.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:18Conan O'Brien?

  Been with me for hundreds of years and a legend.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  I love, love, love John Rao.

• 8:23Speaker 04

  Internally, we've begun some, some work on some Conan meat floats and we're gonna bring those in right now.

• 8:29Conan O'Brien?

  Terrific.

• 8:29Speaker 04

  And these are real.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 8:31Conan O'Brien?

  Jason's bringing them in right now, also a legend. Oh, wow, look at these.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  Oh, God, whoa, I don't need this.

• 8:37Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, and smell them.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  I don't need this.

• 8:38Conan O'Brien?

  That smells like good quality beef.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  I don't need this at all, I'd have.

• 8:41Conan O'Brien?

  Doesn't that smell good?

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Does this feel sexual to you, Sona?

• 8:44Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  I don't get anything sexual.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  Seven long meaty poles? The seven, the seven schlongs of Hercules?

• 8:52Conan O'Brien?

  All right, let's try and clean this up. I will say one thing, it's a little triggering for me, okay?

• 8:58Speaker 04

  Why?

• 8:59Conan O'Brien?

  My penis has five holes in it.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  Sounds like a sprinkler?

• 9:03Conan O'Brien?

  I worked at a swing line stapler factory. Let me finish, and it was no pants day. This is, the year was 1988, I was in between jobs.

• 9:14Conan O'Brien?

  And I was, and I remember joking around and saying, "Look, everybody, it's a, it's a stapler piranha attack."

• 9:21Speaker 04

  Wait, so when you pee, it's like one of those portable sprinklers, you lie on the line?

• 9:25Conan O'Brien?

  I'm often asked, when I have had a lot of water, before I use the urinal, would I mind going out to the lawn and rotating my body?

• 9:35Speaker 04

  Look at these, are these edible? These are edible?

• 9:39Conan O'Brien?

  They are edible, yes. Well, define edible, like, it's a prop that was just brought into the room by Jason Chalomi, and I've seen, I've been in every country in the world with Jason Chalomi, and I've seen him haul around some absurd props that he's had in his, you know, in his house.

• 9:52Speaker 04

  He took a bag of legs to Thailand, yes.

• 9:55Conan O'Brien?

  But are these really edible?

• 9:56Speaker 05

  Uh, well, here's what I, well, Chalomi said, do you wanna come in?

• 10:00Conan O'Brien?

  And you have to testify.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Wow, you eagerly came into this studio to make sure you, we knew it was edible.

• 10:06Speaker 05

  What, they were, they were dropped off on Sunday?

• 10:09Speaker 07

  I met John Rao at a bar.

• 10:11Conan O'Brien?

  This is how most Sundays. He was sitting with a, he was sitting with a, no, no, true. John Rao was sitting with a priest or a rabbi and a kangaroo. I remember this.

• 10:20Speaker 04

  You guys met in a bar and did a meat flute handoff?

• 10:22Speaker 07

  Correct.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  I couldn't like them.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  You had a meat flute meet cute.

• 10:26Speaker 07

  It was midday Sunday.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  I would, I would leave my family to go meet you and John Rao in a bar.

• 10:31Conan O'Brien?

  Especially if there's a old meat flute.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd be there for a meat flute exchange.

• 10:36Speaker 07

  He explained that they're all edible.

• 10:38Speaker 04

  But have they been like preserved since then? Or they've just been sitting out since Sunday?

• 10:41Speaker 07

  No, it's been preserved. It was in a Ziploc. It was in a fridge.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  So you just took.

• 10:46Speaker 07

  It's highly doubtful to be music played from them.

• 10:48Speaker 04

  Well, I will say you might look at these.

• 10:49Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not gonna eat one. I'm just gonna go on, I'm gonna say right now that, and I'm just thinking, I have kids. I can't eat this. And if I die because I ingested a meat flute.

• 10:58Speaker 07

  Yeah, you don't want.

• 10:58Conan O'Brien?

  Think of that headline.

• 11:00Speaker 07

  I'll eat one.

• 11:00Conan O'Brien?

  Everyone's gonna misunderstand.

• 11:01Speaker 07

  Right.

• 11:02Speaker 04

  You think just at first blush that someone just poked holes in these? But he did carve out a reed here.

• 11:06Speaker 07

  Yeah, no, there's some, and he also, he said, if you're, if you're inventive with your lips, you might be able to make noise.

• 11:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, here we go. Well, I've said that before.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Oh my God, you two are blowing into sticks of beef. You guys are blowing into sticks of meat right now.

• 11:21Conan O'Brien?

  I'll give you a thousand dollars if you can play some Jethro Tull right now. Aquilon, here we go.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Grown men blowing into sticks of meat.

• 11:37Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for tax?

• 11:41Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 11:41Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them your stuff.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 11:44Conan O'Brien?

  And then your, your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:54Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 12:30Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  What?

• 12:33Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things. So I'm going to try and make apple cider.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 12:36Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall is the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 12:45Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:50Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:52Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 12:59Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 13:09Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 13:09Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:11Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should. But I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 13:22Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:24Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 13:29Speaker 01

  My god.

• 13:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 13:34Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US, where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com, consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:01Conan O'Brien?

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• 14:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:10Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  You're right.

• 14:11Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 14:16Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe

• 14:19Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 14:21Speaker 01

  I know. Yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 14:23Conan O'Brien?

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• 14:46Conan O'Brien?

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• 15:58Conan O'Brien?

  I can't get any sound out of this. There's no read. None of them have any inside parts. Maybe we can make one.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 16:09Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. I think I just cheated a little bit. Here we go.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  What is happening?

• 16:16Conan O'Brien?

  It does sound like he's playing a meat flute.

• 16:21Conan O'Brien?

  Try the big one with the, um... Yeah, try the big one. Yeah, try that one. Try the jumbo.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  I think these will work. You guys think...

• 16:30Conan O'Brien?

  Things are flying out.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  You would think this will work.

• 16:32Conan O'Brien?

  A big piece of beef just flew out the front.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  It's the fact that you think music will come out of these sticks of meat. What do you think's gonna happen? You're still trying. You haven't even changed your meat stick.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  You're still trying on the same stick. Aquilon, my friend. I can't work here anymore. We're done. I gotta go. I gotta.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  I gotta leave. This is awful.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  All our kids are gonna be brutally teased right now. Oh my god.

• 17:17Conan O'Brien?

  All right, I'm quick. This brought up a triggering memory for me. Don't try and eat it.

• 17:22Speaker 04

  You know what? It wasn't the taste. It was I didn't expect it to collapse and be so hollow and it felt like rancid or something. Yeah, the insides are gone. The insides are gone.

• 17:31Conan O'Brien?

  Listen.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Did you carve out the insides or were they already empty?

• 17:34Speaker 04

  There was a special tool. There was a special tool.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  What?

• 17:35Speaker 04

  Some welding device.

• 17:39Conan O'Brien?

  Well, okay, here's what we need to fix. No music comes out of these. Now, this is shocking to me. And we but we do need to address this because these meat flutes can't go out on the market. Well, until they are functioning as musical instruments.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  I'm glad you've said that because we've now been able to level up where some meat professionals heard about this and sent a professional-grade meat flute.

• 18:01Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 18:01Speaker 04

  Right now, so this is.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Meat professionals?

• 18:04Speaker 04

  Meat professionals.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  We made them take a break from being actual professionals to do this for us. This is stupid. I can't be here.

• 18:11Speaker 05

  Look at this thing.

• 18:12Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 18:13Speaker 05

  Oh my god, this is a.

• 18:14Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so this one, it's only edible below the rope.

• 18:20Speaker 04

  Those words have never been uttered in human history.

• 18:24Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we have an issue.

• 18:25Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no.

• 18:25Conan O'Brien?

  The smell.

• 18:26Speaker 05

  No, it's gotta, it's gotta go across, yeah, yeah, across the top, like.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  You're on your own, buddy.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  You gotta, you brought this up. You gotta do it.

• 18:36Speaker 05

  Am I doing it wrong?

• 18:37Speaker 01

  I think the bottom lip is supposed to touch and you're supposed to, like a. There she is.

• 18:42Speaker 04

  Almost.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  I can't believe you hosted the Oscars.

• 18:53Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute.

• 18:55Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? When we were playing Aqualong, when I was trying to play Aqualong, I had a sense memory of, with a guitar, singing Aqualong at the Emmys onstage, while the cameras are rolling and looking out and the first, the only face I could see was Oprah Winfrey in the front row. Staring back at me and knowing this woman will never be my friend. And here it is 25 years later. I don't think we've ever spoken.

• 19:23Speaker 04

  Let's bring her in.

• 19:26Conan O'Brien?

  I don't, I'm not, can't get a sound.

• 19:29Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'll tell you this, it's served, it's beef. It's meat. It just smells like meat. Only edible below the roof.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  I can't believe we thought this was a, something that could work.

• 19:39Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's doable.

• 19:40Speaker 04

  Let me try it?

• 19:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, give it to Matt. Can you do it, Matt? Yeah. Matt, you're, I can't, I, one of the things is that to really get your mouth up there, you gotta inhale pure old beef.

• 19:48Speaker 04

  Is there like a reed in these? I guess there is.

• 19:53Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's a crock. You gotta go, a crock, like a, like a bottle.

• 19:59Conan O'Brien?

  This is just embarrassing.

• 20:00Speaker 04

  I feel.

• 20:01Conan O'Brien?

  And you know what? I've never been this embarrassed on the, oh!

• 20:04Speaker 01

  Hey!

• 20:05Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute!

• 20:05Speaker 04

  Oh!

• 20:06Conan O'Brien?

  Kind of, something?

• 20:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, this will make people buy the meat.

• 20:11Speaker 04

  I just feel like I have no integrity. I feel the lowest I've ever felt.

• 20:16Conan O'Brien?

  When you feel that way, that's what's happening.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  I know.

• 20:18Conan O'Brien?

  You're blowing into a

• 20:19Speaker 04

  That's why I feel them.

• 20:20Conan O'Brien?

  hand flute made of beef.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Hey!

• 20:29Conan O'Brien?

  When you laughed, it worked.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:30Conan O'Brien?

  I think you have to be laughing at your own

• 20:32Speaker 04

  You have to have joy in your heart.

• 20:33Conan O'Brien?

  You have to have joy in your heart and you have to be laughing at your own absurdity. Yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 04

  I'm like Zamphir, but in hell.

• 20:42Conan O'Brien?

  Do you, the fuse?

• 20:43Speaker 01

  I'm good. I just wanna make, put it on the record, I have not blown into a single stick of meat. I just want to make sure everyone knows this about meat.

• 20:53Conan O'Brien?

  Sona.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  I have not.

• 20:54Conan O'Brien?

  Me thinks thou doth protest too much. Meat, uh. Okay, well.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Your face.

• 21:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, here's the thing, this is a work in progress, because this does not work as a musical instrument. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't work as beef.

• 21:11Conan O'Brien?

  It's, um.

• 21:12Speaker 04

  It doesn't work as a way to live, I can tell you that much.

• 21:15Conan O'Brien?

  This needs a lot of work, but I am encouraged. I'm like John F. Kennedy talking about the space program in 1961.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's the same.

• 21:24Conan O'Brien?

  I think we're not doing this because it's easy, but because it's hard.

• 21:27Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:28Conan O'Brien?

  We're gonna do this and the other things. Um, I believe we proceed. I think we're on to something, and I say that knowing that we aren't.

• 21:36Speaker 04

  Who are the meat professionals that made this?

• 21:39Conan O'Brien?

  They're from, uh, they're from a, a, uh, well-known meat company.

• 21:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, but this is the problem.

• 21:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, they're from a well-known meat company.

• 21:45Speaker 04

  They're not from.

• 21:46Conan O'Brien?

  But they don't know shit about a musical instrument.

• 21:48Speaker 04

  That's right, yeah, that's true.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Can we mention who sent it?

• 21:50Conan O'Brien?

  I, I think we're not supposed to.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  They're, they clearly don't want us to mention them. They made this, but don't want to have anything to do with this.

• 21:57Speaker 04

  That's hilarious.

• 21:58Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I respect them for staying well clear of us. Maybe, Neil, I, kind of to your point, maybe we should be pursuing, uh, uh, instrument, companies that make instruments.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 22:07Conan O'Brien?

  I think you've gone about this the wrong way, and I'm criticizing everyone involved.

• 22:10Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  Um, you don't start with the meat. It's gotta be, if you made a, let's put it this way. Let's say I promised everybody a car made of, uh, of, of meat. The first thing I would do is work on the car part and then coat it with meat.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:28Conan O'Brien?

  I wouldn't make the meat first and then think, hmm, how do I forge this meat?

• 22:32Speaker 04

  You really are an ideas man.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  You have to eat it, you have to eat it.

• 22:35Conan O'Brien?

  But, but not the whole thing, this is a pan flute that's encased.

• 22:38Speaker 04

  Do you remember there used to be candy flutes?

• 22:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  So the.

• 22:40Conan O'Brien?

  Toot sweet.

• 22:41Speaker 04

  And, yeah.

• 22:42Conan O'Brien?

  Chitty chitty bang bang.

• 22:43Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, in theory, this can be done.

• 22:45Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, this can and will be done. This is, this isn't, this is something that, I mean, I will stay alive to be 150 years old to make this happen. I'm arbitrarily making this the dream of my life and the only purpose of my life.

• 23:00Speaker 04

  But can you guarantee you'll die when it's made?

• 23:03Conan O'Brien?

  It will probably be the last thing I do. Let's get this going. Meat blowing into a huge tube of meat will probably be the last thing I ever do. Okay. Um, but I'll die with a big smile on my lips. Well, to be continued. Yeah, to be continued. Stay tuned. Uh, we are, we are also taking investors. If people heard this and said, I want a part of this before it takes off without me. Uh, we are gonna make this, right Adam? We're gonna make it available for people to invest.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 23:30Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm looking for any angel investors, anyone who wants to put upward of 800 million dollars or a billion dollars into it.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe we just take the L and move on.

• 23:38Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  What do you think?

• 23:39Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:40Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna take the B, uh, with beef, the M for meat, um, the F for flute. Uh, and I am going to take this and I'm gonna run with it. Once I have my lips wrapped around an idea this good, uh, I go. You know what I mean? Just like this. I go. Yeah.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  He does, he is blowing it, you know, set himself, yeah. I may have to advance, retreat, advance, retreat, but I will do that with the meat flute until I get some kind of reaction. And if that means going forward and then having to go back and going forward and going back and going forward and go back and maybe even increasing the speed with which I go back and forth in a more rapid motion.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:18Conan O'Brien?

  And if I have to get in there and sort of tickle the investors, I'll do what it takes to make sure that this thing comes to fruition in an explosion of wealth for everybody involved. You know what I mean? I'll go to my knees for this. And that's a promise. I'll put my hair back with a scrunchie and I'll get to work until this is done. And if anyone reads into this, you're disgusting. You're fucking disgusting people.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 24:44Conan O'Brien?

  So, uh, peace out, meat flute. We're gonna have this happen. I'm proud to know you, boss. You know what? I'm proud that you know me. Yeah.

• 24:53Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 25:10Speaker 04

  Supervising producer Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 25:39Speaker 08

  Hey, that's me, Teddy Swims. You hear that? That's life. So go grab it. Grab your old friends, grab new friends, grab a White Claw. Grab flavor for everyone in your group. Grab music, laughter, and moments you'll never forget. You'll never regret it.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Hey Teddy! Oh, hey, man!

• 26:00Speaker 08

  Grab new friends, grab old friends, grab life by the claw. White Claw. Please drink responsibly. White Claw Seltzer Works, Chicago, Illinois.

• 26:10Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 26:13Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka Seltzer Cold?

• 26:19Speaker 07

  Ooh.

• 26:20Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that, David?

• 26:21Speaker 07

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 26:22Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 26:23Speaker 07

  I know you expect me to know everything.

• 26:25Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this.

• 26:26Speaker 07

  Did you?

• 26:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka Seltzer Cold into the water.

• 26:32Speaker 07

  You do, yeah.

• 26:33Conan O'Brien?

  Alka Seltzer Cold: Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast! Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka Seltzer Cold: Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products used as directed.