Shay Mitchell: Let Him Go, You Deserve Better (FBF)

Shay Mitchell joins Call Her Daddy to discuss her journey to loving herself and knowing her worth. Reminisce with her on the Single Shay era as she spills the tea on her dating life and the valuable lessons she learned along the way. Shay’s insight will have you wanting to leave all of your toxic relationships in the past. Shay opens up about her relationship with her partner Matte, the dynamic of their relationship and how they establish trust while he’s on the road touring with Drake. She also opens up about her journey as a mother and not losing her entire identity to parenthood. Get ready to gain inspiration from Shay's mentality on self-love, commitment and the importance of independence.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times. Basically, you get to call the shots from day one. Visit SNHU.edu/callherdaddy to learn more. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches,

• 0:45Alex Cooper?

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• 1:30Alex Cooper?

  or the Scrub and Wipe for a scrubbing side and a sud-sing side. All three look good, scrub great, and they come with handy drain and dry stands that are super compact and cute. Hook yourself up, boost it with Bright. Shop now. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app.

• 2:13Alex Cooper?

  What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding

• 2:16Speaker 01

  Father Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy.

• 2:22Alex Cooper?

  Can we talk about this set?

• 2:25Speaker 01

  Alex.

• 2:26Alex Cooper?

  I know. I'm really happy about it. There's so many things I have to change. I know. I know. I see it because I'm a crazy person. Like, there's certain things I need to-

• 2:34Speaker 01

  I would have changed like those one flower that when your last set, I was like, I'm gonna move those when I come over. No, I'm not lying. Like, because I'm-

• 2:41Alex Cooper?

  It was bad.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  It was just the one flower arrangement that was always beside, behind you. And I was like, I just want to move that. When I go on her show, I'm gonna- This is insane. This is beautiful.

• 2:49Alex Cooper?

  You like it?

• 2:49Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 2:50Alex Cooper?

  Good vibes.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I feel very serene.

• 2:53Alex Cooper?

  Isn't this like, you want to tell me like, all your secrets in this film?

• 2:56Speaker 01

  I mean, yes, that and the truth serum right here.

• 2:58Alex Cooper?

  Okay, wait, let's start. Shay Mitchell, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 3:02Alex Cooper?

  Shay made me a drink. What is in this drink?

• 3:04Speaker 01

  This is, okay, this is passion fruit onda, but I made you a passion fruit spritzer. So I actually got passion fruit before coming over here. Just kidding, I lied. I got it delivered. I have two kids, okay? I love you, but like, thank you. Um, so I had passion fruit, like the guts of it. I put in one whole one and then over ice and then just passion fruit onda. But like-

• 3:28Alex Cooper?

  It's honestly really fucking good.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  It's good, right? Little spritz.

• 3:31Alex Cooper?

  So I was told why I wanted you to drink.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Why?

• 3:35Alex Cooper?

  I was told you were a lightweight.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Oh, that's crazy. And if that was Kate?

• 3:40Alex Cooper?

  Let's start. Okay, everybody listening, let me give you a little backstory. If you don't know who Kate Bailey is, actually, this is what I was gonna say. The only reason it's appropriate, the amount of times that we've canceled on each other, is because we have a mutual friend. Shay and I have been like, we're gonna do it this month. We're gonna do it. I canceled on you, you canceled on me. And I was like, it's good that we have a mutual friend. Her name is Kate Bailey.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Kate Bailey.

• 4:00Alex Cooper?

  Kate Bailey is my publicist. Kate Bailey is your very, very good friend of how many years?

• 4:05Speaker 01

  So many.

• 4:06Alex Cooper?

  Obviously, we've met before, but like, we haven't like, hung out.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Never.

• 4:09Alex Cooper?

  And I'm, I kind of feel like I already know you from Kate. Kate, every time she's with you is like Shay is the most fun, outgoing, life of the party. You're like, stop. Oh, my God. Keep going. She truly all every time that she's with you. I feel like she's having the best time unless she's with me. And I'm like, why are you like, what makes you so fun? Like, what is your social life like right now?

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Oh, my gosh. What is my social life? I don't know if it's necessarily like my I don't go out a ton. I say that. And then I was just at a concert last night until one. Um, I think what it is, is like, my perspective on things may be good. So even if Kate stressed out, I kind of am the opposite. I'm not stressed out. Or like, I kind of feed off of people's energy. And I like, want to support you and your like, I'm just, I'm like, a real energy person.

• 5:00Alex Cooper?

  I can get that from you immediately, because we were just joking. We're like, Kate's always working on her phone 24/7. You're like, live in the moment, sweetie.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  No, I'm super present. Like, I will be super present. If we were out to dinner, unless there was something where I'm like, hey, I have my phone because of my kids.

• 5:14Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  But aside from that, I'm very big on living in the moment.

• 5:18Alex Cooper?

  So another vibe I got from you.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 5:21Alex Cooper?

  Is that before you met your partner, which we'll get into. I'm like, I fucking know Shay Mitchell was out there on the streets, getting after it, dating, hooking up.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 5:33Alex Cooper?

  Having a good time. Tell me.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  Can we take a sip?

• 5:34Alex Cooper?

  Yeah, you're like, OK, I'm gonna chug this whole thing. What was your dating life like in your 20s?

• 5:41Speaker 01

  My dating life was, I think I always thought about my life in ways of like chapters to a book. I always kind of said yes to things so that I could have that experience and be able to like, I don't know, talk about it after. Like, I do things for the experiential like, aspect of it.

• 6:00Alex Cooper?

  I get that.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  I want to add that to my chapter. I'm like, oh, that'd be a fun thing. Oh, OK, fly here. Cool. Let's try it. Or like, he does this profession. Let's see what that's like. But as long as I was in control and like, you know, it was my decision to do things and like, I felt comfortable. I was good to go.

• 6:20Alex Cooper?

  You were good to go.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  So I like, yeah.

• 6:21Alex Cooper?

  Do you have a type?

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Not at all. Not at all. I have zero type.

• 6:27Alex Cooper?

  Really?

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Zero type. If you were to look at like the trajectory of my past, there is no type. It's a vibe.

• 6:35Alex Cooper?

  I love it.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  It's a vibe. It really is.

• 6:38Alex Cooper?

  Okay, what kind of vibe? What do you need though?

• 6:40Speaker 01

  I need confidence, but not cockiness. And that is something. I need somebody who is like respectful and like a good human. And that's it. Like, truthfully, I feel like I've been in maybe like, I've experienced like a couple bad ones. And that's it, out of like a bunch.

• 6:59Alex Cooper?

  I'm curious, if all of your exes were like having a text thread, what is, you're like, oh god. Um Shay like loves it. She's like, oh, like, what are they saying? What do you think that they would be like saying about you? Like, was there any theme after relationships?

• 7:17Speaker 01

  She knew what she wanted. I think that would be like the group chat. Like, she knew what she wanted. That's what I think everybody would say. And I actually have really good, there's, you know, again, aside from a few, like, I really have awesome experiences from my past and they were great guys. We just weren't right for each other.

• 7:36Alex Cooper?

  We all know you. Like originally, originally you popped off Pretty Little Liars. And I want to talk to you lightly about Pretty Little Liars because I can imagine, I don't want to say you're like annoyed by talking about it, but that was thirteen years ago.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:53Alex Cooper?

  So like, I'm sure in every interview you do, people want to talk to you about it. How does that make you feel?

• 7:59Speaker 01

  A okay. You know why? Because that's what gave me my start and I will never forget that. And I will never look down on that. Pretty Little Liars was the biggest turning point in my life. I was doing bottle service before that. And when I booked this job, it changed my life forever. And it, it gave me the opportunities and the experiences that I've had. And I owe everything. I'm like, I still talk to Marlene King all the time and I'm like, thank you for saying yes in that callback, you know? And like, it changed my life. I could never talk badly about it. And I love it. And I love, you know, when they do the spinoffs. And I'm always like, that's amazing. That's awesome. I love the fact that I was a part of so many people's lives. And a really important part.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Like for me, like watching the OC, like that was my thing, you know, Gossip Girl, that was my thing. So when people come up and they're like, I loved you, you know, I grew up with you. I'm like, that's awesome. And the fact that I got to play the character that I did is like even more amazing.

• 8:54Alex Cooper?

  Well, yeah, you have now played how many queer characters in your career?

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Almost all of them. Maybe I was just like meant to be, I'm like a vehicle to like tell their stories. But I also feel like I have never also put myself in a category. I, I am not one, I don't love a label. I don't love a title.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Like I don't want to label my sexuality. I don't want to label my relationship. I don't like, I never wanted to be a wife. Like I don't, I don't, I don't want to be put in a category.

• 9:24Alex Cooper?

  Why do you think that is?

• 9:25Speaker 01

  I just want to be free. Like I just want to be me, whatever that is. And like right now, I'm in a relationship with a, a man and I don't, that's cool and it's amazing. But like in five or 10 years, I don't know. Could be. You like, I just, I never know and I never want to put myself in a position where I feel like constricted.

• 9:46Alex Cooper?

  Yeah. Did you, had you ever kissed a girl before you took on the Emily role in Pretty Little, you had?

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had an experience before playing these characters. Yeah. It wasn't like, oh, I'm playing this character. Let me see how this feels. And that was the thing when people were like, how do you know how to play this if you haven't been in a relationship with a girl? Like, what? How do I know what it's like to, like somebody loves, like I hated those questions. And that's what I would always get like, how do you know how it feels? Or like, how can you play this character if you're not a lesbian? Like, what? I don't know. I know what it's like to like somebody. It's the same shit.

• 10:19Alex Cooper?

  Right. And I feel like we felt that in your character where like you are so confident in that role. That I think it probably does help a lot of people watching you on screen being like, I want to be like that. I want to emulate that energy of just like confidence in still such a hetero world that we're in, like, it's still not completely accepted, which is so fucked. And for you to be like, I don't give a fuck.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  There's so much stuff that I do that's not accepted. Like I really obviously aren't, like I'm not one to stand by tradition.

• 10:48Alex Cooper?

  Let's talk about that. Let's talk about that.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  My hands are freezing. I wish, I, you know what?

• 10:56Alex Cooper?

  Let's do a little breakfast.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  That was a loud gulp. Wow. I'm impressed. That's okay.

• 11:08Alex Cooper?

  But you're not gonna eat the pomegranate, are you?

• 11:10Speaker 01

  No, I'm gonna pour more into it.

• 11:11Alex Cooper?

  Yeah, I got it right here. Guys, I just knew Shay Mitchell, the media trained queen.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Media trained queen.

• 11:18Alex Cooper?

  That's what Kate said to me.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  Media, oh.

• 11:21Alex Cooper?

  She was like, she's media trained. She will swerve your questions. I'm like, yeah, for the first 15 minutes. Then I'm gonna sauce her up. That's like the complete opposite of like what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm like, I'll just get her a little drunk and then I'll ask her all the hard questions.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  I love it. I also did say, let's just tell everybody. There was no question. There was no question that was, there was no topic that was off.

• 11:43Alex Cooper?

  You did say that.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Right. Okay. Thank you.

• 11:45Alex Cooper?

  Okay, you're welcome.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Okay, wow.

• 11:46Alex Cooper?

  My hand is cold.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  My hand is cold.

• 11:47Alex Cooper?

  We should've gotten my koozies.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Let's just like put it on my thigh for a minute.

• 11:50Alex Cooper?

  Okay.

• 12:07Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. As you guys know, I have basically been working double time throughout this pregnancy to bank episodes for the month that I will be on maternity leave. And a few weeks ago, it all just kind of hit me. I was like, wait, wait, wait. Where did summer go? And I was talking about this with Matt and he ended up surprising me with a little staycation. He booked this beautiful home on Airbnb in Malibu so that we could pretend like it was summer while it's still warm here in LA. The weather was perfect. The house was right on the beach, which was so relaxing and amazing. It also had just such a gorgeous kitchen.

• 12:46Alex Cooper?

  We stayed in, we cooked dinner together and you know, daddy gaining my cooking skills, they have, they have gotten better. They've gotten a little bit better through pregnancy, but it was really just so nice to unplug and spend that time together before the baby comes and we move into this completely new chapter of our life. So whether you're planning a cozy weekend away, or you're just looking for an excuse to unplug for a few days, October is the perfect time. To get out of town, booking a home on Airbnb makes the trip feel even more special because everyone has room to actually spend time together. Whether you're coming back after a long day out or you're also just cooking dinner. Airbnb makes settling in even easier because you can order groceries for your trip and have

• 13:31Alex Cooper?

  all the snacks and essentials delivered after you arrive. My favorite fall trips always have one thing in common, an amazing place to stay. That's why I always look at Airbnb first. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by My Mochi. Everyone is talking about Dubai chocolate, chocolate with pistachio flavored cream. Well, now Mochi Ice Cream has its own version of Dubai chocolate. Spoiler alert, guys, it's delicious. My Mochi Dubai Chocolate Ice Cream is premium pistachio flavored ice cream with Kaddiah and chocolatey flavored bits wrapped in sweet chewy chocolate flavored dough.

• 14:13Alex Cooper?

  It's only 80 calories per piece, nut free and easy to share because it comes in a box with six individual snacks. I am obsessed with My Mochi. And when you give me that plus a good chocolate, I'm going to have that in my freezer. Every single night, I'm going to pop one in. I am obsessed. I love it so much. Taste the joy with every bite of My Mochi Ice Cream. Look for the green and brown box of My Mochi Dubai Chocolate Ice Cream in the freezer aisle of your local grocery store. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify. Daddy gang, you know, I'm a little skeptical of the internet at times, aren't we all?

• 14:55Alex Cooper?

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• 15:35Alex Cooper?

  they're browsing. And this has been such a game changer for Unwell. I love being able to sell merch directly on all the Call Her Daddy channels. So everything is in one place for the daddy gang. So, ready to add entrepreneur to your list of accomplishments? Head to Shopify.com/daddy. That's Shopify.com/daddy. Let's talk about your relationship.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. What one? No, I mean, like, what kind?

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Just joking.

• 16:05Alex Cooper?

  You're slowly unbuttoning.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  I know, but one.

• 16:08Alex Cooper?

  Your partner.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Did you, when you were thinking about how you were gonna ask me this, were you like, what do I call him?

• 16:15Alex Cooper?

  Yeah. And you know what's interesting is I want to ask you,

• 16:20Alex Cooper?

  is the term baby daddy insulting to you? Because I feel like Nick Cannon really has put a little downer on that one for everyone. No one wants to be called a baby daddy anymore. So it's insulting to you.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  It's not insulting. Listen.

• 16:37Alex Cooper?

  You don't love it.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  It's not insulting. No, because he's more than, he's more than my baby daddy. He's not Nick Cannon. He's more than my baby daddy. And so I think that there is like, I love the word partner. Some people don't. Some people don't love it. Like, you're never gonna please anybody. So let's just get that out of the way.

• 16:55Alex Cooper?

  Totally.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  For me, I like the term partner. He is my partner. He's my partner in a lot of things. He helps me so much with my business. Obviously, we're partners in raising our girls together. He's my partner in life that we're living right now. And I like it.

• 17:13Alex Cooper?

  How does he feel about the term partner?

• 17:15Speaker 01

  I don't know if he loves it. I don't know if he loves it. You know, sometimes he'll be on calls and he's like, and my wife, and I'm like, what? You know, and I'm always like, and not because I'm like, like I want it, like I'm like,

• 17:29Speaker 01

  um.

• 17:30Alex Cooper?

  Why do you think that is?

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Why I don't like the word white?

• 17:33Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 17:34Speaker 01

  I don't know. I just like, I I'm not, and he's not my hot like, I don't know.

• 17:39Alex Cooper?

  Your partner.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  I love like, I think like girlfriend is cute and like I, we met when I was nineteen and I love that like, we weren't girlfriend and boyfriend at that point. But I love the, I love, I love that. Like I'm like his, I'm like his girlfriend. Like we are friends.

• 17:54Alex Cooper?

  So you have two kids together?

• 17:56Speaker 01

  Two girls, yeah.

• 17:57Alex Cooper?

  But you met and you were friends first?

• 18:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, when I was nineteen.

• 18:01Alex Cooper?

  How did you transition from friends to relationship?

• 18:06Speaker 01

  It's been a lot of years. I met him actually when I was doing bottle service at Drake's birthday. Like Drake's like twenty first birthday in Toronto. We're from Toronto, so I was doing bottle service there and we met and um, we didn't start dating right away. Like we were just talking, we found out that we were neighbors. And we started hanging out. I'd go to his basketball games. Like, we just started hanging out as friends. And then, you know, we tried to like make it work in more than a friend way, didn't. We tried it a couple of times, didn't work. And then we took some time apart and then I think it was like four or five years or something. And then randomly a mutual friend just kind of connected us together, together, and it was like third time's a charm. So.

• 18:49Alex Cooper?

  When you started getting serious and like even when you got pregnant, like, did you have to have a conversation with him to be like, I don't ever want to get married?

• 19:01Speaker 01

  I think we had that conversation, like even when we were friends. I think I always spoke about my feelings. And I will never say like, never say never about anything, but I just was never that girl of like, who had a Pinterest board of her wedding. I never did. And my parents have been married for like thirty eight, maybe even forty years. And they've had an amazing relationship, but it just wasn't something that I wanted. I didn't feel the need to like, I didn't feel that a piece of paper and a big celebration and a ring would like justify my love. Like it's like, it's more than that.

• 19:35Alex Cooper?

  But I like that you're saying it because I was sitting here thinking like, I think there's some people when they listen to that of you are like, Wow, like that must, that's so interesting and like really crazy. And I'm like, if a man was saying that, they'd be like, oh, he never thought he was gonna get married. Like, okay, dope. I like that you're saying it though, because it's really healthy to not just keep doing what the fuck came before us and not questioning it.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  There is a trend because there's more people that aren't getting married now. Like, since the nineteen seventies, I think it's like, A, the age is getting later on, which I'm, I love because I think similar to how we have to hit a certain age to drink and drive, we're developing so much in our twenties. And like, we are learning who we are. And when you get together and you're married, you grow as a unit. You know, and sometimes that's great, but sometimes it's detrimental to your own development.

• 20:21Alex Cooper?

  Totally.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  And I think the reason why I've, I've been very lucky to be in, for the most cases, you know, great relationships, is because I've always felt pretty secure and confident with who I was first before getting into a relationship. And I think that, you know, with marriage, sometimes you're more concerned about how you guys are both growing. You're trying to help him lift up. When at that point in your early twenties, you, you need to get your own self out and you need to like figure out yourself. That's not to say that it can't work in your twenties. For all of those people, I love it and amazing. But I feel like, for me, it just wasn't necessary. And that's not to say that I don't believe in something. I like, hey, I'd love to have a commitment ceremony. Maybe in like, I don't know, ten years, whatever the like,

• 21:04Speaker 01

  if it ever happens, I could look at him and be like, hey, we should have a celebration because we just did that. Look at our girls are like in high school and like, we crushed it. We went through storms. And we are here and we are standing and we're like, high five, because we just did that. Like, let's make a commitment to this family and to raising these girls and our kids at that, whatever. But like, I would be all up for that. Because sometimes I think the celebration happens before you've even been through some storms. You know?

• 21:32Alex Cooper?

  I fucking love it because it's basically you're saying like, do whatever feels good for you. And like, we can make up new shit.

• 21:42Alex Cooper?

  Take a sip. Matt works with Drake.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:48Alex Cooper?

  And when I think about that, you know, he goes on tour with him, right?

• 21:52Speaker 01

  He's on his like management team. He like, a lot of the creative is from him. Like, he's like a creative genius, truthfully.

• 21:59Alex Cooper?

  So he's like in the world that is like, he's traveling, he's with all these people. There's parties, there's girls around, there's a lot happening. How does it feel or how do you handle when he's like away and like at these parties and at these events? And you're sitting at home with the kids being like, I wonder what he's doing. And I'm not talking recently. Take me back to like more beginning stages of like building trust around this type of lifestyle.

• 22:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, it is a hundred percent hard. Like, I can't be like, it's fine. I don't feel a thing. No, it's hard. But it's hard because I care.

• 22:40Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  It's hard because I love what we have. You know what I mean? So, yeah, it's like, it's difficult. But then at the same time, I'm, we just talked and they're away in South America. And I'm like, are you having fun? What are you guys doing? Like, there's also that element because I feel like in the same way that I have with my friendships. Like, those are so successful because I trust them and there's communication. And not that it's the same, but like, there's trust and there's communication with us. And it's not always perfect by any means, but there has to be trust. And I can't think about other scenarios or like think about hypothetical situations. If it ever were to come out or anything, there's like deceive any of that, then like I'll deal with it then.

• 23:22Speaker 01

  But I also can't live my life worrying about what he's doing. He is living his own life. We are two individuals that have come together and chosen to like, have kids together and like have a family together. But at the same time, he is like doing his own thing and I love that for him. Like, he's having fun, he's crushing it, he's so good at what he does. And I love that he's with his friends, getting to work and have fun, you know? So I love that. But like, as long as there is communication, once that is broken for me, then it's done. And that's, that's a known thing that we have. So as long as he knows that and I know that, like, I feel like we're good.

• 23:58Alex Cooper?

  I. Dated an athlete. Uh, I love how singular plural. I dated athletes in the past and I found myself like in moments being the same as you of like, what do I give a fuck? Like I'm fucking sitting here with my girlfriends. We're at it. We're having a great time like and he's gonna do what he's gonna do. But then there are like the spiral moments. I remember I used to if he was like in fucking Milwaukee or fucking Texas or yeah, they always would go to like the worst places. But that's when I know like you're desperate, like you're gonna find some type of like. So I would always be like, oh, they're if they're going out tonight.

• 24:40Alex Cooper?

  I would like spiral and like look up like the bar that I knew they were at. And then I would go to like the Instagram and then I would be like, oh, who's like at the the bar? And if they tagged anyone, I would go to that girl's Instagram and like look for him in the background. And then be like, oh, my God, there he is. Like he's standing next to that girl. Like he's really close to that girl. Like what's happening? And then I would text him and be like, hey, like, how's your night? And like, it's a normal, like, I always used to be embarrassed to admit that. And I was like, I was in love with this person. I was in a relationship with this person and I cared about this person. And I think jealousy and anxiety in relationships is can be normal depending on like the level of it.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 25:19Alex Cooper?

  So I'm wondering, like, because this is like a very public touring facing situation. How do you not spiral in moments? And I don't even mean now. I mean, like, beginning of like.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Oh, my gosh, no, no, no, for sure. Absolutely. I can't. I could not pretend I did the exact same thing back in the day. I would say for sure in my twenties, I fully get you. I could do the exact same thing.

• 25:45Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  But it got to a point where I was like, okay, so if he did, then what? Or if anybody at that point that I was doing, if he did, then what? I'll be okay. I'll keep it moving and it wasn't meant to be. But that is how I live my life. And once you think about it like that, I don't want that then. If you can take him from me, then he's yours. I'm good. And I can keep it moving, be there for my kids, or that's another story. But like, in terms of us, then our story ends and that's okay. I still have my life to live. I cannot live my life like I did in my twenties because I did do that. And it's like, for what? I wasted so many sleepless nights. For what? Did that change how we acted? No. You're gonna do, the guys, the girls, whatever.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  We're gonna do what we're gonna do regardless if if you're staying up at night, not sleeping, stalking and Instagram. He's still gonna do what he's gonna do. He's not gonna be like, well, Alex is probably up looking at the clubs Instagram, trying to like, you know, zoom into this. That's not gonna stop him. So like, what is that? You just lose sleep.

• 26:44Alex Cooper?

  You're so right.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  Okay. Like, I'm not gonna worry about it before it happens. If you do it, then we we we deal and I'll figure out like co-parenting, but like. Then it is, and I hope you're happy and I genuinely mean that. I want you to be happy because I feel like when you truly love somebody, you want them to live their happiest life. And I do, and if that's not with me, I don't want to force that.

• 27:05Alex Cooper?

  I love this energy too, because I feel like I've said this on my show. It's like. I know there's so many people, I always just say women because I know women listen to this podcast the most. So I'm like, hi ladies.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  No, I think there's a lot of guys too.

• 27:16Alex Cooper?

  You think? You think?

• 27:18Speaker 01

  You have a video, you have a video component to this.

• 27:20Alex Cooper?

  No, they used to, they used to. It's gotten a little too zappy that they're like, okay, there's no more like full sex, like you talking about like the dick going into the pussy, like I'm fucking out. I'm like, okay, pervs. I think I've had a lot of conversations on this podcast, trying to when women write in being like. I'm so in love with this person. And I love your advice too, because I know Kate has always said like you are like almost like the friend therapist, like all your friends go to you. And I feel similar with my friend group of like. You have to almost like back out of it and look at it like from a third POV of like, what would you tell your friend? And I feel like a lot of women listen to this podcast being like, yeah, but Shay like. I'm so in love with him. But.

• 28:02Alex Cooper?

  I just had that like feeling almost every time he's always doing boys nights. He's always kind of like out and I just feel like I'm not fully a part of those moments and I sit at home but like when we're together, our relationship is great, but he makes me feel really insecure. Like, what do I do?

• 28:19Speaker 01

  You need to be in love with yourself more than. You need to love yourself more because I would tell my daughters, like, you shouldn't be doing that. I don't want them having a million sleepless nights. A couple are fine. Like, it's healthy, whatever, we get it. But like, you shouldn't be feeling that way in a healthy relationship. And if you are, then maybe it isn't the right one. I don't want to constantly be living in a state of anxiety, wondering where they are, what they're doing. Like, I actually love the fact that he's traveling with the biggest person and like, you get to see all of that. And if you still come back, then like, I'm the baddest bitch. You know what I mean?

• 28:51Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  That's what I feel like. And if I don't, then like, cool, go be with her and then I'll keep it moving too. Like, it just wasn't meant to be. And I'm such a believer of that. I feel like that's why my perspective on life and different experiences. If I miss a plane, I was like, oh, there is a reason for that. Like, that is how I live my life. And let me tell you, it's a lot more peaceful than what it was before. I had this sort of like real realization about how it, how it works for me and how it should be.

• 29:17Alex Cooper?

  I love that advice too, because I feel like it's like half the time, more than half the time, we have to look at it like, it's actually not about him. You're sitting there, like, why are you sitting there? Stressing. Why was I on my phone zooming so intensely? Like, because I was bored in college being like, this is better than the guys I could be dating here. So like, there's always, if you break it down, like, I wanted to be with him because of the status and the money and the lifestyle and I loved it and I didn't want to lose it. And I was willing to maybe look the other way, because like, I love that. Now in hindsight, I'm like, that was perfect for where I was in that moment. I absolutely loved that moment in my life. Now, I would never put up with that.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  No, because that's time you could be putting into building yourself. Like, A, reading a book, educating yourself, going to the gym, hanging out with your friends, like, doing other things. I think as you get older, and the reason why I say like, I did that all in my twenties, but like, it changed when I was thirty, is because I realized how valuable every single day is. And I do not want to waste my fucking time stalking other people's movements. You know what I mean? Like then I'm taking away my time and living my life and like spending quality time with friends or people that are here, watching somebody else's move. They're gonna do it if they're gonna do it. And I can't stop it. So like, it's not healthy. We need to cut it out. It's too short. I don't want to look back in my life dedicating so many of my like precious days to doing that.

• 30:36Alex Cooper?

  I, amen.

• 30:55Alex Cooper?

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• 31:37Alex Cooper?

  but recognizing what they are and learning how to let them go can be so important. It's literally the first step towards creating meaningful change. And therapy with BetterHelp, one of the leading online therapy platforms, can be a space to explore where those patterns come from and develop healthier habits and mindsets for a more fulfilling life. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp has served millions of people globally. BetterHelp makes it easier to fit therapy into your routine with flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles. Plus, BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and 1,000 hours on-hand experience and hold all required education, training, and certifications. You can meet with a range of professionals from marriage and family therapy.

• 32:22Alex Cooper?

  to social workers and counselors. So Daddy Gang, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/daddy. That's better H E L P dot com slash daddy. There is nothing that makes me happier than when I get a compliment from someone and they say, Alex, you smell delicious. Okay. I mean, is there anything better than someone telling you, you smell good? No. And you want to know what I'm wearing? You already know what I'm wearing. Yves Saint Laurent beauty. Okay, let's go. If you are looking for a new statement fragrance,

• 33:05Alex Cooper?

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• 33:46Alex Cooper?

  You are going to want to be smelling amazing. And there you go. Shop now at Sephora. So your mother? Yeah. I'm a mother. You're a mother. Did you always picture you were gonna have kids?

• 33:58Alex Cooper?

  Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah, I did. Okay. I mean, I never had a set age. I wasn't like, when I'm 26, I'm gonna have. No, I, I, I knew that I wanted to experience that. When you think about, there's so many beautiful things that come with motherhood. Yes. But I feel like you're a good person to talk to about like, because you don't like to label things. Like, absolutely not. When I think about.

• 34:25Alex Cooper?

  Mothers, there's a lot of pressure if you're not just dedicating your entire life in other people's eyes to your children. Did you ever lose yourself in the beginning stages of trying to navigate like being a mother, being also Shay Mitchell, this like independent, successful woman that wants to have both?

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Oh, my gosh. I remember when I was first pregnant with Atlas and I was like nine months. I was talking to my doula at the time and all of a sudden we're talking and I just started bawling and she's like, oh, my gosh, are you so excited? I was like, no, a piece of me is dying. I'm gonna be a mother, like I'm now gonna be a mom. And she was like, okay, like, that's amazing. I was like, no, I'm a mom now, like I'm a mother. She's like, okay, amazing, like not understanding. And I think what I had to come to an understanding with is that, yes, old Shay did, a part of me did have to be put to rest. I am a mother now. I wasn't beforehand, like, and it does change.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  There's a leaf that turns when you get pregnant. And like from the moment you see that you are pregnant on that stick, it changes. And that life that you lived before is over. And that's okay, because there's a new life, like there's a new chapter, like a new relationship. And that's, it's fun and it's exciting. It's also scary. And you know, at that, at that point, it was also a little bit lonely because like your partner won't understand. They don't go through the same thing. They don't understand the changes and the sacrifices that we make, especially being somebody who also, you know, was very active, like in my work and you know, my social and everything. It was like, I have to take a pause. I can't be like, I was fortunate to be able to act up until the point where I was like eight months.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  But still, I had to take a moment. I had to take a break whereas he didn't. And so that was really difficult for me when I was pregnant.

• 36:22Alex Cooper?

  Do you have advice for someone that's currently having a little bit of a difficult time finding their like regaining their identity after they just like gave birth now they've like their kids alive and well and they're like fuck who am I independent of being a mother?

• 36:41Speaker 01

  I think you need that time outside of your kids. I think it is so crucial. I love my girls. I will do anything of course. It is like having kids truthfully is like having a heart live outside of you like my heart beats in them. But I also need to continue to do things for myself and for me to feel rested for me to feel like you know I've done what I needed to do because then I'm a better better mother when I can come back and like I feel good, you know? And I think that that's the thing. It is really hard, especially after like I always say I love a baby shower. I think that's great, even though I did mine at like Magic Mike.

• 37:20Alex Cooper?

  What?

• 37:21Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Um, I also think there needs to be like a another like a postpartum sort of like a mama shower after because it's all fine and dandy when you have that celebration when the baby's in your stomach and like things are cool and there's a million beautiful flowers and friends and all of that around you. There needs to be something after when you're in the postpartum, when you're in the bed by yourself or maybe with your partner. Like in and feeling like a mess feeling like if you're breastfeeding or you're feeding them with a bot like you just don't feel your best.

• 37:50Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 37:51Speaker 01

  There needs to be a celebration for you at that moment. I'm like, I want to start, you know, the mama shower. Something where you have all your friends come. I needed a flower crown then when the babies were crying, when Atlas was screaming, when the house was a mess. I need that like, you know?

• 38:05Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  That kind of like group and party then.

• 38:08Alex Cooper?

  I actually love that too because I you're so right. There's such a celebration of like right before like this is gonna be great and then like life happens.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  And then life happens.

• 38:17Alex Cooper?

  And there's judgment.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:19Alex Cooper?

  You're a very independent person and I wonder what does independence look like for you?

• 38:28Speaker 01

  Um, independence to me means that like.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  This is like ASMR cuz I'm crunching these passion fruit nuts, is it? Are you hearing that? Independence is... Um, independence means that like I can make my own moves and do what I wanna do. And like when I wanna do something, I do it. I don't know. Listen, let me tell you something. This is, when I was, how old, driving age, when I got my first car, my parents got me a car. Okay. And I was so excited, drove it around everywhere. Me and my girlfriends, I'd pick them up, you know, as you do. You're like, just got my license, let's drive to McDonald's.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  And then one day I came downstairs and I was like, where are my keys at? And I couldn't find them. And I was like, wait, hi, mom, dad, like where are my keys? And he's like, mm, you don't have your car today. I was like, wait, why? Is it in the shop? You getting it washed? You filling it up? Like, what's going on? He was like, you just don't have it today. I took it. And I'm like, okay, so you like, you wanna drive it? Can I drive yours? Like, what's going on? He's like, no, I bought it. I own it, it's mine, you don't have it. And I was like, wait, what? You bought it? It's my car. He's like, it's not your car. I bought it for you and I can take it away. And I was like, I didn't even do anything. Then I'm like, trying to think, I'm like, did I do something last night? Like, did he go through my, like, what is happening? Nothing had happened. He just took my car away. Because he wanted to prove a point that like, he bought it and I didn't own it.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  And just because, you know, he had got me the car at that point, like, he could also take it away. And I was so annoyed by it, but then I also was like, you're right, he did buy it from, but like, this is so fucking annoying. And from that moment, I was like, I don't ever want that to happen. Cuz I actually had to go somewhere. That wasn't a drive-through. And I needed my car at that time. Of course you did, Shay. Of course I did, you know, I was like, needed to go to the mall. So I was like, I will never have that happen again. I'm gonna own my shit. And like, that is what kinda clicked in. There was a bigger message with that. That was just really like, I need to own my shit because nobody can take that away from me. And everything just...

• 40:33Speaker 01

  feels better when I like I did that you know and like I don't need somebody else to do that for me and so I've always been super independent when it's come to that like if I want to go to dinner I'm going to dinner I don't need to wait for somebody to invite me or like no no if I want that on the menu I'll order it because I bust my ass to do that and I think there's such a power and with that everything just tastes sweeter it feels better you rock it better when you're wearing that bag that you got and again gifts are nice and I'll always take them and I love that so if you get that like good on you and amazing however I feel like independence gives you a freedom to live your life as authentic as you want it to be like I can do things that feel right to me

• 41:15Speaker 01

  without any sort of hesitancy that like oh so and so might not oh this may get taken away from me or if I act this way I'll get kicked out no I don't want that I never wanted that and I don't want my girls to ever do that you will be independent you will own your own shit and you will always have it nobody can take that away from you

• 41:32Alex Cooper?

  what you're saying is so empowering in terms of just like you can't then be that affected by anyone other than yourself when you have that independence and I think it's so important for young women to hear because when I was dating professional athletes or rich guys in the moment it felt so like invigorating to me and I felt like alive and I felt so powerful because I was attached to someone powerful and then if they ended it I was on the street with nothing

• 42:05Speaker 01

  then you feel like back at square one again and you're like but wait like what happened

• 42:08Alex Cooper?

  and you look around and you have nothing and so it's like it I'm also not even talking about financial shit like if you have your own shit in terms of I know who I am I know I'm stable with my fucking confidence and my personality and you if you fucking end it tomorrow I'm still good and I can carry on focusing on your independence recognizing your worth because then when you fucking meet someone and you're like that you're like

• 42:34Speaker 01

  but having your own life outside of them having your own friend group having your own places that you go to like you are so much stronger when you're like two pillars Something up than when you're trying to like conform to one, you know what I mean? Just like have your own life, I think is so important.

• 42:50Alex Cooper?

  Totally.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  And then you're stronger and then it like offers up more questions than I can genuinely be like, what did you do today? You know?

• 42:56Alex Cooper?

  Totally.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Different strokes for different folks. Like again, this is just how it is for me. I've also seen it on the flip side where like it works, they work and they have the same friends and all that. And that also works.

• 43:07Alex Cooper?

  I agree.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  This is just how it works for me.

• 43:09Alex Cooper?

  No, and I think that's like also, I love this job because I get to just talk to so many different people that it's like, there is no right answer for anyone. It's like you're gonna find your own shit, but it's helpful to hear if some people are lost or just like kinda looking for guidance. Like you have a very specific way that you view life and the way that you view your worth and yourself and the way that you like to move. My question though for you is if I think-

• 43:35Speaker 01

  You always know there's gonna be something juicy when you like-

• 43:37Alex Cooper?

  Well, this is like-

• 43:38Speaker 01

  And like you're getting real comfy now.

• 43:40Alex Cooper?

  No, I just like to ask this because sometimes it's helpful to humanize people in terms of you're so confident. But what is your biggest insecurity?

• 43:55Speaker 01

  What is my biggest insecurity?

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Like my biggest insecurity is, I mean, I can be in rooms. Like just recently I was in Paris and I was around a group of people that were speaking so many different languages. And I was like, oh my gosh, that is amazing. I feel like I, I could be spending more time educating myself instead of doing some other things. Maybe if I cut down some social media, I feel like I could be, I could have learned another language, you know? Like I get on myself sometimes for that, for education. So I'm like, okay, I need to work on this. But then I download word of the day and I feel like, okay, I've done something. I'm trying. Um, I, I feel like that's what, yeah, I mean, I think every day there's like different things.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  Of course, I'm not like the most confident, most secure person. The reason why I sound like that is because I'm a big believer of-

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Saying things and and like manifesting and words being very powerful. You will never hear me say, "Oh, gosh, I'm such an idiot," or like, "Oh, dummy." I don't speak like that. I don't ever say like I'm starving. I don't ever say like, like, I'm very careful with my words because they are very powerful and I am a big believer of manifesting. When I was doing bottle service, I had a cork board in my kitchen, had Teen Choice Awards, it had Blake Lively and Gossip Girl, it had a white Range Rover, it had palm trees. A lot of that has come true and I believe like working hard in addition to just manifesting, but I am a very big believer of manifesting. And there's a difference with just saying like,

• 45:36Speaker 01

  "Okay, I will come into success. I will meet the love of my..." No, no, no. You need to believe it and you need to own it. And if that at the beginning is called delusion, then let it be because I was delusional when I was doing bottle service. But when I was rocking to your table, asking you if you wanted kettle on or Gregos, I thought I was the biggest actress, like playing a bottle service girl. And I walked with that and I walked in the snow and my eyes like to my office, to the bottle service place being like, bottle service place to the lounge, being like, "I own this?" Like, "No, not today." Like, I was an actress and I was living in the States and I was, you know, I felt it. So like delusional, manifesting all of that. I'm a big believer of saying and putting out there

• 46:18Speaker 01

  positive energy. And so I don't know what the first thing was that you were asking me. Oh, yeah. So it may come off as being super confident and secure, but even like Rihanna, like that TikTok that was going around where she's like, "Sometimes you don't feel confident. You just get up and you do it." You do. And you own it. And you and you have that because if you do and other people feel it, then like you become that.

• 46:40Alex Cooper?

  How the fuck did you become a bottle girl?

• 46:43Speaker 01

  Bottle service?

• 46:43Alex Cooper?

  Bottle service.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Um, it was like, I wasn't a good bartender. My memory wasn't good. So like bottles were easier. I could like have my little thing, but like bartenders, it was like too many people asking me for too many drinks and I never got it right. Also, I wasn't a good waitress. Like I'd forget things. Um, hostess crushed. I could always offer up a smile and take you to your table. Um, but bottle service was just, it was like fun. It wasn't fun.

• 47:08Alex Cooper?

  It wasn't fun.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  Going to it. No, I actually hated it.

• 47:10Alex Cooper?

  I did it for one day and then I went to bartending. Dude, what was like some, do you have any memories of back in those days?

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 47:16Alex Cooper?

  How creepy.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  A guy slapped my ass and I almost broke his arm. No, like I was not that person. And then I charged you like crazy and I made so much money that night because that was not okay. I am not good in those situations. I'm not good being disres- like, not that anybody is, but that like I will not handle disrespect.

• 47:53Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times. Basically, you get to call the shots from day one. Visit SNHU.edu/callherdaddy to learn more. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals,

• 48:37Alex Cooper?

  or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. I've heard through the grapevine, like Kate, hi, um, you really are such an incredible friend. And I think especially when you get to a certain age, like I'm not gonna say it's easy to be a friend in middle school and elementary school and high school. But like, there is something of that. You're all kinda going through similar shit at that time. You're all

• 49:20Alex Cooper?

  in the same environment. And then when you get into your twenties and your thirties and your forties and all, I'm like, it is a motherfucker of like, being selfish of your own shit, being there for your friends. Like, what kind of friend are you?

• 49:36Speaker 01

  I would have to say I'm a really good listener. I'm always there. Like, if I hear, like in high school, if a girl, like a friend of mine had a bad relationship or some guy did a wrong, like, don't ever talk to me again, that guy. Like, do not come across me. I am a girl's girl. I love women. I really do because I just, there's such a like, beautiful sensitivity and vulnerability to women. And I love that. And I, and I see it like through all ages. And now having two little girls, like I see it in them. But then I also see the fucked up part where I'm like, we're watching these Disney movies and like, everything is about like finding your happily ever, happily ever after with like this prince. And I'm like,

• 50:16Speaker 01

  doesn't have to be like that. Like, if you don't wanna end up with a guy, you don't have to. Like, if you don't wanna end up in a relationship at all, you don't have to. Like, I'm like, constantly doing this cuz I'm like, hey, like she, she loves this princess life, which I want her to live, but I'm also like, this is kinda fucked up when I'm watching this. Like, happily ever after doesn't mean you always have to end up with somebody. It doesn't always mean you have to have kids. You know, and so, I always forget what I'm talking about. What was the genuine, oh.

• 50:39Alex Cooper?

  What kind of friend are you? No, this is great.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Okay, so on the friend level, like, I love, my friends are my family. They are, and I have a very small group of friends. I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a lot, I love people too. But I have a very small tight knit of friends who I feel like have, are my, they are my family and they've like just held me down. And why I feel like I can be the way that I am, it's because I have such a solid support group of people. You know, and they are there for me no matter what. And I feel that they are like that because it's a two way street. Like, I am there for them as. Well, and if anybody needed me, like any my girl, I will be on that plane. I don't care. I will be there for you because life is crazy and it's wild.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  And sometimes you need me more than I need you. And sometimes I need you more than you need me. And so it's a beautiful relationship. It's like a teeter totter of like, I don't know, it's a teeter totter. Like, I just feel like that is how my friendship is with people.

• 51:39Alex Cooper?

  Women go through it in their twenties of kind of losing that friend group that maybe they had in school.

• 51:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:45Alex Cooper?

  And feeling like almost ashamed if they don't have like the big friend group and they don't have like all of like the big. Like, can you talk about that a little bit of like the cattiness of women being like, oh, she doesn't have that many friends or like she doesn't have. Cause I have people writing all the time that are like, I have two really good friends, but I feel bad that I don't have like.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  No, babe, if you're blessed, you have two solid friends. Like, no, we do not compare ourselves to movies. We do not compare ourselves to other people. You have no idea what's actually happening. A girl could have fifteen solid friends. You don't know if they're all talking shit about each other. Like, if you have two solid friends, that's amazing. And like, own that, you know, and be thankful you have that. I have my childhood best friends and the amazing part is that I talk to them the least out of everybody else. My best friend, I talked to like once every three months and it doesn't even matter. I pick up, I talk to her and she's like, cool, cool, cool. We got it. Like, she gives me what I need. I gave her what she, and I'm like, boom. Like, I didn't even talk to her for the past three months.

• 52:43Alex Cooper?

  And you do like your quick rundown, like what's going on in your life?

• 52:45Speaker 01

  And that's it. We catch up. I have no photos with her. Like, it comes time to be in her birthday and I'm like, I have no photos with her. Like, we never take photos. But that's it. When you have the best night of your life, you're not taking photos. You forget. And that's the same thing with your friends. It's like, yeah, but I mean, I have a lot of photos with Kate. So like Kate, you're also.

• 53:04Alex Cooper?

  Kate's like the lowest of your friends.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  She's like, wait a minute, we have thousands of photos.

• 53:08Alex Cooper?

  Yeah, you're on the, you're on like the periphery bitch. You're not in the inner core.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  But even with like my solid group of friends, I go to them for different things. Same with like, fuck, title of this. But like, I have different friends that I go to for different things, you know, and I think that's like a beautiful thing.

• 53:26Alex Cooper?

  No, I love that you said that because I, just at my engagement party, like my three like best, best friends from childhood were there. And then I was talking to my friend Kristen, who has literally been there since I don't even remember what age. And I was like, I don't think we have more than like three photos together. And we do the same thing where it's like every four months, we're like, hello. And I'm like, okay, go. And she gives me the rundown. And that is like, I think should be more normalized. Like you don't need to talk to someone every fucking day. You don't also need to feel like you need fifteen people around you because that also usually means like, well, who's your, who's your one?

• 54:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:05Alex Cooper?

  Everyone knows who their like best fucking friend is. Or their three or their four best friends. I just think it's like important to normalize because like all these like, I feel like women online are shaming of like, she doesn't seem like she is friend.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  Everything.

• 54:18Alex Cooper?

  It's every, literally everything.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  Trying to appease everybody, that would be so exhausting.

• 54:22Alex Cooper?

  No, you're right.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  You are happy and you are good with your life and your circumstances, regardless of if they go against the norm, then like you're crushing it.

• 54:32Alex Cooper?

  Tell me about a time that you had to end a friendship.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. Um, I ended a friendship because I stopped respecting her.

• 54:41Speaker 01

  Truthfully, I didn't respect certain decisions she made. And I think once you lose a respect in any relationship, it's over. And I don't know if that's the Aries in me, probably. I follow this account that's like Aries facts or something. And like every time they post, I'm like, fuck, that's so true.

• 54:56Alex Cooper?

  That's me.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  I am an Aries.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  But yeah, it sucked. We were friends for a long time and it got to a point where I just kind of like, you know, when you're like with a guy, you're dating a guy and you like see something that's so unattractive, it could be anything. It'd be like, I don't know, his hands are like hair in a certain place and you're just like, mm, and it's done.

• 55:17Alex Cooper?

  You can't see it.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  Can't unsee it. That was the same thing with this. I couldn't unsee this one part and I just, it was over. And I never looked back. It was it it happened and you know, we had a good amount of years together as friends. But I had to cut it. Again, life is too short. I have a very limited amount of time that I get to spend with people and I want that to be quality over quantity. And you're either in or you're out and like same thing with me. You know, who's to say like her life isn't better without me, but whatever. It's just it wasn't meant to continue and that's okay.

• 55:53Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  People come in and out of a life. It's like, look at seasons. That's the same thing with people, like have them come in, you learn different things about each other and then you continue and that's okay.

• 56:03Alex Cooper?

  I love that too. I feel like there's such like again stigma for women of like the bitchiness and like the friend loss and it's like, I get so many questions about this all the time and I'm like, if you had a great thing for a certain amount of time that gave you something in your life and vice versa and it ended. That's okay. Cause I know then like then you go to a new part of your life where you have kids and you meet friends through your kids. Parent and it's like, you're always going through new iterations of your life.

• 56:28Speaker 01

  And welcome it.

• 56:29Alex Cooper?

  Exactly.

• 56:30Speaker 01

  Like be open to it. Like the unknown is so exciting.

• 56:34Alex Cooper?

  No, I agree. Okay. We needed advice. I figured I'd be like, okay, let's talk about some situations hypotheticals. Okay, number one. What would you tell someone who opens up Instagram and sees the person that they're dating out partying at a club at two AM and they haven't heard from that person all night? I think we kind of talked about this.

• 56:57Speaker 01

  What's your boundary? Like I have it, you know, for for us, it's like, hey, I always just want to know when you're like safe in bed. I don't need a photo. I don't need a FaceTime, but like just just text. You know, like, hey, just and also we have two kids. I want to know like around the area of what you're doing. So I can be like, if anything were to happen, I don't want to be like, I don't know where he is. Like tell me the country you're in, you know, maybe the hotel would help. I don't need to know anything else, but like, like I need to know certain things. So it depends what your boundary is. Like, did you set it? So you're like, hey, I want to hear from you and this amount of times or like, is it okay if they're text you when they go to bed? Like, what's your boundary? So it depends on that.

• 57:34Alex Cooper?

  I agree with you because I think I remember in the beginning of dating Matt and he was like, You just have to send me a text when you get in bed. Like, I just wanna know you're alive and at home. And at first I was like, that's being clingy. And then afterwards, I was like, oh, wait, I get what he's doing. He's actually respecting. Have the best night. I just wanna know you're safe.

• 57:55Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 57:55Alex Cooper?

  And like, what a great boundary.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 57:57Alex Cooper?

  But if you're so triggered by seeing him on the internet of like stalking him again, like I go back to that version of myself. That's your first re- real red flag to be like, why are you so stressed?

• 58:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:10Alex Cooper?

  Cause that's probably, you know, he's actually doing something shady.

• 58:13Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 58:14Alex Cooper?

  I don't have a doubt in my mind, like right now with the partner that I'm with that I'm like, nothing.

• 58:19Speaker 01

  Right.

• 58:20Alex Cooper?

  But with other relationships, I'm like, I knew, we always fucking know. You always in your gut kinda fucking know. I truly believe it. If there's certain shit that they're doing, I think most of the times you do.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  But they're having the odd cases.

• 58:35Alex Cooper?

  True that you're like.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  Where some people may not have, and that's okay too. You know, then, then, I mean, yeah, that's okay too, if you don't expect it.

• 58:43Alex Cooper?

  True, but I also think it's like having the confidence and the self-respect to, if this is bothering you so much, tell him.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:51Alex Cooper?

  Say it. It's like you're not being needy or clingy. It's like if you're in a relationship and you're like, hey, babe, it really upsets me. I realize like I get so triggered and anxious when you're out and I don't hear from you.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  Think about what it is about that, because just being out as a human, I mean, I go out, I come back sometimes at two, four, six, you know, so it's like.

• 59:10Alex Cooper?

  Four, six, nine.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  What about that is bothering you? Is it that you think there's other girls or is it that he hasn't told you where he's at? Like, like ask yourself and then have that conversation.

• 59:19Alex Cooper?

  And then if there's shit that it's like, well, cause he does this all the time and he cheated once, well, then, that's right.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  And then reassess the situation, but like just being out, I mean, we're humans.

• 59:28Alex Cooper?

  We gotta go out.

• 59:29Speaker 01

  Gotta go out. And also like, I love it when I'm like, you go out there, was it like hot girl, like, I want you to see that. I don't wanna keep you in a little room with blindfolds on, like, again, like, please go out there and see.

• 59:40Alex Cooper?

  It's so healthy to have your partner go out. Like every time Matt goes out and he comes home, I'm like, okay, tell me everything. And I'm like laying in bed like, hi, I'm like, oh, what happened? And he's like. This person was there.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Even when we've been out, there have been girls that have come up and been like, oh, my gosh, he's so handsome. I'm like, thank you. Like, yes, absolutely.

• 59:59Alex Cooper?

  Because he doesn't wear a ring.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:00:01Alex Cooper?

  And you don't.

• 1:00:02Speaker 01

  But also, like, if you wore a fucking ring, does that deter anybody? Them, does that deter? Like, no, it doesn't do anything. Sometimes it's more attractive. I'm like, look, go out, live your life, be free. If you come back, awesome. If you don't, we'll figure it out.

• 1:00:17Alex Cooper?

  Peace.

• 1:00:18Speaker 01

  Peace. I don't have time for that anymore. Like.

• 1:00:21Alex Cooper?

  Okay, let's say someone wants to approach their partner about an issue in their relationship that they're insecure about. What advice would you give them in approaching this topic? So you're going to someone, you're like, I'm fucking insecure about this. I want to talk about my partner about it. They're nervous.

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  Rightfully so, but also. I feel like I've had this so many times where I've been so vulnerable and like I can't be anymore vulnerable. Like he knows. And I think that's okay because the right person will accept it and take it and hear you. The wrong person might run from it and then let him run. It may seem like I'm like, let him go, let him free, let, but also like, yeah. Cause if it's the wrong person, why do you want to waste your time with them anyways?

• 1:01:05Alex Cooper?

  Dude, my mom always said it. And I remember in the early days of my show, I would always say this. My mom would always be like, and at first it was friends. Cause when I was younger, my mom would always say like, why would you want to be friends with someone that doesn't want to be friends with you?

• 1:01:22Alex Cooper?

  Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you or doesn't respect you? It's like.

• 1:01:30Alex Cooper?

  Answer the.

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  You don't.

• 1:01:31Alex Cooper?

  You don't.

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  But that's also why I like my whole thing. And like, again, love it for everybody else. But like the whole concept of like, we need to have a bachelorette party or bachelor party, because this is the last night of freedom. Like, what? No, you can have all of those nights. You want to go with Timmy, Tony, John and Frank all day long? You can go. Like, I'm not holding you back. That'll never be the life that I live where you feel the need that like your last, like, I hate that.

• 1:01:57Alex Cooper?

  Dude, you're so right. Okay, we need like a little teeth. Okay, tell us about some like. Drama you've ever had in a relationship. All of this is like Shay's got it all together.

• 1:02:08Speaker 01

  No, it's not.

• 1:02:09Alex Cooper?

  No, no, not in a bad way, not in a bad way. But it's like you are, you have this, you have it all together right now in terms of like

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  In my thirties.

• 1:02:16Alex Cooper?

  How you think about shit. Give us your twenties. Give us a fucking story about Shay not having it together and a relationship.

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  In my twenties. Like I think in your, like again, it did really change for me in my thirties. So I will say I feel like good now. But no, in my twenties, all my friends would be like, wait a minute. Sammy will like, has been there through, with me through like thick and thin. And she knows those times where she's had to like sleep over and I'm like convulsing into a paper bag. I'm like, huh, he did this. Like I've had those moments a thousand percent, but sometimes I think I brought them on me because I'm dramatic and wanted to experience that. Like, I don't know if I was listening to a song and I was like, I can't relate to this. Let's relate to this. And then I'd go out and cause shit because I was like, I, like I'm telling you, that tattoo is white, not because I wanted to get it for you to see. I wanted to feel it. Like I am that person.

• 1:03:09Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 1:03:09Speaker 01

  Where I want to feel it. So like, I wanted to cause shit sometimes and I would. And that was just me experimenting at that age. So like I had so much drama in my life and I would do things that would put me in like situations. Or I'm like, oh, that wasn't fair. But like, let's see how it rides out, you know? And then that's going to be a story to tell. And yeah, I did it because I wanted to be able to have that story.

• 1:03:31Alex Cooper?

  No, I get that. I relate to that in a lot of ways of just being like, do it for the experience.

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  Or you're listening to a song and like you want to put your hand on the window when it's raining too and like sing out to it. Like sometimes I wouldn't feel that way, but I wanted to. So I would go and set that situation up for myself. You know, like it's like, I did that.

• 1:03:49Alex Cooper?

  No, that's like, I relate to that. And then on top of it, I then started a show where I had to talk about my life. So I was like, I need a fucked up story. Like, let's go out. I get it. I think that's in a weird way. I think it's healthy because then you do experience shit where you're like, I don't want that. I want this. Looking back on your single days, what's one piece of dating advice you can give my listeners straight from the Shay Mitchell playbook?

• 1:04:14Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:04:15Alex Cooper?

  Something you haven't said yet.

• 1:04:18Alex Cooper?

  To all the single ladies.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  I don't know, I feel like, listen, if Madden, like, I feel so happy with the way that everything turned out because like, if we had been together from the moment that I met him, I don't know if I would be completely content and happy right now. I would have wondered, my mind would have drifted. And that's not to say it doesn't drift, we're humans. But I got to live out a lot of it of different experiences and I had a lot of fun. I loved that. I thought that these were the years where I will be able to do this. And you can still do it later on when you're married, blah, blah, blah, but like, it was fun. It was fun to go out one day with this guy and then another with this guy, as long as I was in control.

• 1:04:59Speaker 01

  You know, like conscious control, all of that. It was like on my terms. I loved it. And I thought there was nothing wrong because I learned so much about myself through each of these relationships. And that's what I loved. I was like, okay, if I date this person, I wonder how this would be. Well, let's find out. Let's see how I can deal with his lifestyle. Let's see how I can deal being taken on, you know, in this way or like that. Like I loved learning about myself through other people.

• 1:05:23Alex Cooper?

  I think that's such good fucking advice. And we almost can end on that one of like, when you are in your single part of your life, it's such an opportunity to get to know yourself better. And it's like, there's such a pressure, I think, for women to like settle down and have kids and start your life. And it's like, just make sure that you know yourself before you pick that person. And that's where like you're saying, and I feel the same way of like, I've gone through so many things that like, I wouldn't have been able to be with my partner now, had I not been through all that shit. So like, sometimes you have to put yourself into weird fucking situations. Like if you're sitting at home being like, I haven't been going on dates, like I've been kind of like,

• 1:06:05Alex Cooper?

  put your, like, listen to Shay, like, put yourself out there, create a scenario, even if you get the fucking story, it's ending up creating a better version of yourself because you're going to learn what you like, you're going to learn what you don't like. And you're going to be like invigorated to find the next story, find the next thing for yourself. So you can look back and be like, holy fuck, I lived it, I did it. And then when you find the right person. There's no doubt in your mind, it's the right person because you've been with so many different people in different settings. I don't mean sleeping.

• 1:06:37Alex Cooper?

  But it's like, you know your shit of like, I don't like that. I like this. And you're like, you're a kid in a candy store of like, you know what you prefer.

• 1:06:43Speaker 01

  Don't want. However, don't just date anybody. Always have that self-respect. And that's why looking at my past, I can say, like I said, besides a couple out of them, I always had that respect and that's important. Don't just date a loser to date a loser. We don't need to experience that.

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  But if you can go into like a respectful relationship, hook up whatever with somebody, then do it, experience it, explore it and learn about yourself. Now's the time.

• 1:07:10Alex Cooper?

  Is that it?

• 1:07:11Speaker 01

  I don't know. I feel like once we turn this off. She like keeps it like.

• 1:07:17Alex Cooper?

  I'm like, keep rolling. I do think this is in an, in an odd way.

• 1:07:22Speaker 01

  The thing, it's like even like having two daughters, I always look at it like, what would I say to them? I like, yes, talking about even thinking about that right now and they're so fuck yeah, but like if you are going into a relationship and experience with like self-respect, you know that that person has respect for you, you are aware, you are conscious, you are all of that. Then I think there is like no harm in that. You are learning about yourself through that. And I love that. I love, I wouldn't take away the experiences that I've had. And the other thing is I would never take away the experiences that my partner has had. I don't talk shit about any of the people he's been with because all of those people that he was with made him the person that he is today. You know, and sometimes I'm like, well, wish you could have had a couple, like, you know, like there's like those times, but like I never talk shit about that because thank you.

• 1:08:07Alex Cooper?

  The last thing that I would like to say is I feel like this episode also. It sounds easy, but no, it sounds easy and it seems kind of hard, but like it really is easy where you were kind of talking about. If you're not being treated right, if you're not feeling right in a relationship, like if you're listening to this and you have a pit in your stomach right now because your partner's doing something. If you're questioning certain things, if they're not acting the right way, if they're not treating you right, like. That's it. That's your answer.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  That's your answer. Life is too short and you only recognize that when you're in a moment where you realize that, which doesn't happen for all of us. But it's like, I don't want to wait for that moment. If, you know, when it happens to be like, oh shit, I should have done this differently. Or why did I waste those, those days? Or those sleepless nights worrying about this? It didn't do anything. It doesn't do anything. So live your life how you want to live it. Don't worry about somebody else because your worrying isn't going to change the outcome. It's not going to change the outcome. I can promise you that. They don't care if you're worrying or not.

• 1:09:14Speaker 01

  Live your life. Do what you, what makes you happy and do what you love. Like do what makes you happy. I don't want to waste any more days. I did that enough in my twenties, like I said, but like for those listening who are in their twenties, save yourselves, learn from us and like, don't waste your days worrying about somebody else. Let them be.

• 1:09:31Alex Cooper?

  God bless you.

• 1:09:34Speaker 01

  If you, what's that quote? If you love something, let it go.

• 1:09:37Alex Cooper?

  Let it come.

• 1:09:37Speaker 01

  Comes back, it's yours. It's the same thing. Every day he comes home, I'm like, hey, there you are. You know what I mean? But like, you didn't have to like, hey, you're back. Like, hey, can you put her to bed? You know what I mean? But like, that's how it is. And I, I think there's something so romantic about that. And like I always say, I think it was like Charlize Theron that said this in a quote where like, if you come home because you want to, not because you feel like you have to, or like then you'd have to call the lawyers and do all. I, I think there's something so romantic about that. Like we don't need anything else to like define our love or a relationship at this moment. We have two beautiful girls. We are very fortunate to have the life that we live and we recognize that. And if that ever were to change, then we'll deal with it. But like nothing that I can do, or especially like signing the paper or getting the, like, confirms that. We confirm it.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  You confirm it in your relationship and don't let societal, public pressures, parental, religious deter you from doing what you feel is right.

• 1:10:32Alex Cooper?

  Shay, thank you for coming and calling daddy.

• 1:10:35Speaker 01

  I mean, thank you for having me.

• 1:10:51Alex Cooper?

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