Why don’t you like yourself? Gabby Bernstein: How to stop numbing difficult emotions

Getting lost in anxiety, shame, or self-loathing? Spiritual leader Gabby Bernstein wants you to acknowledge all the messy parts of your true character. Spoiler: you’re not going suddenly to like yourself overnight, but acknowledging the uncomfortable bits will get you there sooner! In this chat with Fearne, Gabby explains how ‘protector parts’ like perfectionism, people pleasing, and numbing out can spiral into extreme self-soothing behaviours like drug or porn addiction if they’re not dealt with. Fearne and Gabby chat about anxiety as a protection mechanism, exploring why being focused on the heart palpitations and hyper-vigilance is stopping you dealing with your deeper wounds. Plus, Fearne notices that her OCD is back so Gabby takes a moment to help her check in with her current stress levels – you can follow along with this exercise too! Gabby’s latest book, Self-Help, is out now. If you liked this episode of Happy Place, you might also like: Mel Robbins https://pod.fo/e/2e2935 Natalie Lue https://pod.fo/e/2e61b9 Tell Self-Limiting Beliefs To Bugger Off https://pod.fo/e/263ecb Child on the line is a three-part documentary podcast series celebrating the Volunteer Counsellors of Childline, and the brave children & young people who contact the helpline service. Listen here: https://www.childonthelinepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hi, I'm Natalie Dormer and I'm proud to be an ambassador for Childline. This year, Childline turns 40. To mark it, I've made Child on the Line, a three-part documentary podcast. We hear why children needed a helpline in 1986, how it was built against the odds and the challenges children face today, from abuse and mental health to social media and AI. Search Child on the Line and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

• 0:28Fearne Cotton?

  Hello, a massive welcome to Happy Place with me Fern Cotton. This is the show that gives you tools to understand yourself better. Today, I'm chatting to Gabby Bernstein.

• 0:38Speaker 02

  You manifest what you believe. So you could do all the manifesting tools in the entire world and you will keep manifesting the same core beliefs that you have inside of you. And you may attract some thing in your life, but you still feel like shit. And so the reason that self-help is the biggest manifesting flex is because it actually changes your core beliefs. And when you change your core beliefs, you change your point of attraction. And when you change your point of attraction, that's when you become a magnet for what you do want.

• 1:05Fearne Cotton?

  Well, gang, I hope you're doing okay. I hope that your summer is going well so far. I'm in that funny middle bit in between Happy Place festivals. We've done Gunnersbury Park, it was beautiful, and we're gearing up for Tatten Park, which I'm bloody excited about actually. And if you're a parent like me, I hope that you're managing the juggle. It is full on. I've actually done some really nice things. I've tried to book a few fun things. I'm taking the kids to a Concord Museum soon, never done that before. I've seen a bit of stand-up comedy lately. I'm trying to watch more because I just love belly laughing. My new favourite comic is Cat Cohen. If you've not heard of Cat Cohen and you want to laugh, oh my god, she is truly brilliant.

• 1:47Fearne Cotton?

  She has like a sort of comedy cabaret show, which she incorporates sort of cabaret-esque songs into her stand-up. And she's just so naturally talented and funny. I've loved watching her do stand-up this summer, so, so brilliant. And I've booked myself another escape room. Do you remember me telling you ages ago that I did my first ever escape room? And actually... When I first got in the room, I was like, what is this? I don't understand. I had no clue how to get out. And then I got so utterly obsessed by the idea of it. So I'm going back, I'm going back for more. Got an escape room planned with my friend Lavashni. Can't bloody wait. I hope whatever you're doing, you're having a good one. Maybe you've come to this podcast today because you just need a little bit of you time.

• 2:30Fearne Cotton?

  I hope that you get that, even if it's just this hour long chat. I really do. You need it and you bloody well deserve it. And Gabby is the person that can encourage all of us to do that more. I really love Gabby. She came on the show a couple of years ago now and we did that one remotely. And we became really good friends afterwards. I've actually seen her a few times here in London. I've been to New York where she lives and hung out with her a couple of times. And she's just such a good egg and her books have been incredibly helpful for me. So knowing that I'd get to do a chat in person, I was just absolutely thrilled. She's known as a real role model for a new generation of spiritual seekers and launched her Gabby Coaching App in the hope of democratising spiritual self-help because she can basically

• 3:15Fearne Cotton?

  be your coach anytime, anywhere. And that's exactly what she's going to do in this episode today. We talked about the topics in her latest book, Self-Help, including what the Internal Family System therapeutic model is. I didn't really have too much of a clue, so this was really interesting. It's weirdly got nothing to do with families, so stick around for that. We also talk about why it might help you really understand all the different parts of your character, particularly if you're the kind of person who gets really lost in worry and anxiety, or in self-loathing or shame. Me, me, me, me, me. And actually, it quickly became clear that I personally needed a bit of a moment to check in with how I was feeling. So Gabby did a really lovely little session with me, which you'll be able to follow along

• 4:00Fearne Cotton?

  with too. So you might want to be somewhere nice and quiet for this episode, if poss.

• 4:08Speaker 03

  I've got big news. I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh, anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them. Everybody, listen up. Shh. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now. No trade-in needed. And the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us. Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for Watch or iPad required. Additional terms apply for all offers.

• 4:38Speaker 04

  This is the story of the one. As a shipping manager, he's running the dock, stocking supplies, and making sure every order goes out on time. And Granger helps him stay prepared. From shipping supplies, to PPE, to hand tools, he counts on Granger to keep products moving and trucks rolling. So his operation runs smoothly, no matter the shift. Call 1-800-GRANGER, click Granger.com, or just stop by. Granger, for the ones who get it done.

• 5:08Speaker 05

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• 5:42Fearne Cotton?

  Right, let's do it. Here's the show.

• 6:05Fearne Cotton?

  And we'll unofficially start, Gabby Bernstein. I'm so excited to see you in real life. I could burst into a million pieces.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  I just, I love you so much. I just said that I have certain friends that I feel like when I see them, I want to get into their womb. And you're, you're on the short list.

• 6:19Fearne Cotton?

  Okay, I'm here for it. You can jump into my barren womb. It's so good to see you because the last time I saw you was exactly a year ago.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  It was.

• 6:27Fearne Cotton?

  At the Happy Place Festival.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:28Fearne Cotton?

  But we didn't get to do this. You just did this gorgeous talk where you had the audience in the palm of your hands and it was such a lovely, calm and serene setting. And everyone was just glued to you. It was beautiful.

• 6:42Speaker 02

  Hmm. Well, it was such a vibe there.

• 6:44Fearne Cotton?

  It was fun, wasn't it?

• 6:45Speaker 02

  It is a vibe. So I wish I could have been there this year.

• 6:49Fearne Cotton?

  I know. Well, you're extremely busy constantly. And for people that don't know our backstory, I've been a fan of yours for a long time. Like, I've read your books for years. In particular, there was this era, it was probably around 2016, 2017. I was having like terrible insomnia, panic attacks. I was just mentally not in a good place. And your books were just such a guiding light for me during that whole period. My mum was the first person to give me one of your books.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:17Fearne Cotton?

  Shout out to Lyn. And it was just so comforting. And then I just gobbled up all of your books. You've written so many great books now. And obviously, we've become friends since me.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  We were instant friends. There's a, again, the womb friends are the ones that are, these people I meet, always women, where women are gay men.

• 7:37Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  And I meet them, but it's mainly women. And it's only probably like a shortlist of five people. And you were one of them. We met and I was, I looked at you on the Zoom and I was like, we're gonna be best friends. We're gonna just be, and we could go a year not talking, but then pick up in no time, like nothing changed.

• 7:53Fearne Cotton?

  I love it.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  It's pretty amazing to have those kinds of connections.

• 7:56Fearne Cotton?

  It's so nice. I've seen you obviously here a couple of times. I've been to New York, see you a couple of times. We've done some nice FaceTiming, but we haven't.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  You took my kid to the Stones.

• 8:04Fearne Cotton?

  Yes, I took your kid to see the Rolling Stones.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  It's his first gig. What a first gig.

• 8:08Fearne Cotton?

  That was such a sweet moment.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  This is the best thing ever. I mean, but then you ruined him for the rest of his life because he's gonna be like, why am I not in the front?

• 8:15Fearne Cotton?

  Every gig is gonna be shit.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Why am I not backstage?

• 8:18Fearne Cotton?

  That's so great.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  It's so good.

• 8:20Fearne Cotton?

  But this is really special because I've wanted to quiz you about so many things. I want to get stuck in first of all to your brand new book, which is called Self Help. It's not brand, brand new, but it's new. And this book is so interesting because you've really honed in to one particular set of principles and one subject like never before. So this book, Self Help, is all about internal family systems. I didn't know so much about this before reading the book. Can you tell us about your initiation into the subject?

• 8:48Speaker 02

  I didn't even realise I was being initiated. I was in therapy with the same therapist for about seven years. And that therapy was based on the principles of this IFS, Internal Family Systems Therapy. I didn't know that. I was just doing the therapeutic work with her. And one afternoon, it was in 2022, probably right around the time I met you, 2021, I was watching a YouTube video and it was an interview with this man, Dr Richard Schwartz, who is the founder of this therapy, Internal Family Systems Therapy. And he started describing the therapy and I just left out of my seat. I was like, that's the thing I've been doing for the past seven years. And to hear him describe it and define what was happening in the therapeutic session made something click inside of me.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  It made me realise that's what I've been doing. This is the purpose of that. I gotta know more. I really quickly, it was right around the time I started my podcast, Dear Gabby, and I invited him to be, it was you and him were probably like one of the first five people on the show.

• 9:46Fearne Cotton?

  Honoured.

• 9:47Speaker 02

  I'm totally serious. And he came on and we became instant friends like you and I. I said to him, Melissa, I really feel like it's my job. I don't know why I'm, I am psychic. And I said, I have an intuition that I am supposed to democratise this work in some way, that I'm supposed to carry this message. And he was like, well, I would really recommend that you get the training. And I went on to apply for the training and the training is now only available to therapists. And I was one of the last people to go through this, this training that was not a therapist. So I've given this great gift from the universe, just go get trained. I did a level one and level two training alongside all these therapists and became a practitioner in internal family systems.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  And as a result, felt so grounded in the process that it was clear to me that I was now equipped to teach it and write about it. And here we are. And IFS healed my life. It helped me really recover from deep trauma. And it has allowed me to feel the greatest essence of myself come forward. And I always say that I wrote, the first nine books I wrote, I feel like I wrote for myself first. I had to heal myself to write those books. This one, I wrote for the reader because I'd already had the healing experience of IFS and I knew that I had to share it. And so I can explain to you what IFS is.

• 11:09Fearne Cotton?

  Well, this is what we need to know because again, I had kind of heard the term being battered about. Thought I had a loose understanding of it, but you have done exactly what you wanted, which is create a tool book that we can all work from. You don't have to go and get the therapy necessarily. I mean, obviously feel free if you think it works for you, but this is something we can read your book and understand how to apply this to our own lives. So tell us, tell us more about it.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  Okay, so internal family systems.

• 11:34Fearne Cotton?

  Here comes your matcha.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Here comes my matcha as we're about to talk about IFS. Juice me up, Jess.

• 11:39Fearne Cotton?

  Sorry, look at that.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  There we go.

• 11:40Fearne Cotton?

  I was matching the almond milk.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Matches your eyes, Jessica.

• 11:43Fearne Cotton?

  What a dream.

• 11:45Speaker 02

  That's amazing.

• 11:47Fearne Cotton?

  Love a matcha.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  That's gonna really.

• 11:50Fearne Cotton?

  She's gonna be on fucking fire now.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Three sips and then, okay. So here we are.

• 11:57Speaker 02

  You hear the name, internal family systems therapy, and you're gonna think, oh, that's about my family. It's not. It's about your inner family. Of parts of you. So we all have lots of different aspects of ourselves. So if you've ever been like, well, the part of me gets really outraged when my partner does this, or a part of me gets really shut down when I feel anxious, or a part of me wants to numb out with alcohol, or a part of me does a part of me does, a part of me does. We have these parts of ourselves. And if you'd asked those parts of yourself, how long have you been around? You're gonna be like, well, they've been around forever, for as long as I can remember. Right? I have a part that's a controller. I've been controlling my whole life, you know, ever since the pigtails when I was a kid. My mom, no bumps in my pigtails, just controlling.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  And we've had these protection mechanisms forever. Why? Because they were put in place at a very young age. As children, we all experienced some form of trauma, whether it was trauma with a big T or trauma with a small T. Maybe we were bullied, or maybe we had an alcoholic parent. It didn't matter how extreme the trauma. We all experienced something that was too impermissible for us to manage as a child. And not only was it too much for us to manage, but we didn't have a caregiver or a parent or someone out there that was going to actually help us process it. And as a result, we were stuck with it, we were left with it. And these are feelings of being unlovable, feelings of being inadequate, feelings of being of terror, not being good enough.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  And we couldn't process it. So right away, as very small children, even infants, we built up protection mechanisms. So protection mechanisms, like if I wasn't seen as a child, you have to be perfect. If I felt out of control as a child, I had to control everything. If my son, when he was three, was bullied by a kid, right away, he learned this protection mechanism of, I've gotta, you know, fight back and be the big boy. And, you know, this is, this is stuff that happens that young.

• 13:51Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  And when we have these protection mechanisms that aren't tended to, like I did with my son, I helped him process it. But most people didn't have Fern as their mother or Gabby Bernstein as their mother. And so what happened was we build up these protection mechanisms that we carry on through life. And then we build up more and more and more of them. And then we live our lives very disconnected from our true essence. Because we're living from protector to protector to protector.

• 14:19Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  And we are missing the miracle, which is, inside all of us is our truth, which is self. And self with a capital S is the spirit within us. It's the God within us. It's the compassion, connection, courage, curiosity, confidence. It's a true essence of who we are. But that essence has been blocked. It's our childlike presence, but it's been blocked because of these protection mechanisms.

• 14:47Fearne Cotton?

  Hmm. So you mentioned there, control, you realize control was one of your protector parts. This barrier that would come up and it stops you from looking at what's beneath. It stops you at looking at maybe the problem or the deeper trauma.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  When we would have the deeper trauma, which in IFS is called the exiled part. Okay. So the little traumatized child, we locked it as a child. We were like, never want to feel that again. Then lock him up, you know, put it down. And so we started protecting against it to not have to feel it, to mask it. So when the little traumatized child gets activated, so for example, when I feel out of control, my controller becomes very hypervigilant.

• 15:26Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  And she's on fire, you know, we have to do it this way, have to do it that way. She drives people crazy, particularly Jessica, who wanted the matcha, my husband, the people that are closest to me, the people that I, you know, love the most often are the ones that have to deal with the controller the most, vice versa, you know, I have to deal with my husband's parts too.

• 15:43Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  So when we get triggered, then the protectors come out. And there's different forms of protectors in IFS. There is the managers, which is like a controlling part, which is the kind of day to day protection mechanisms. So perfectionism, controlling, people pleasing, maybe something along the lines of numbing out with YouTube. But then when those parts aren't working anymore, when things get too extreme, when the flames of the fire are too, too extreme, the motions are too high, we bring in what is called the firefighter protectors. And those are the addicts, the suicidal ideation, you know, the drug addiction, the love addiction, the porn, all of the ways that we can say, I'm going to do whatever it takes to put out this fire.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  And that's, that's an extreme protector. In my book, Self Help. We're only really working with the managers. We're trying to get to know them and befriend them. And to close this, the reason it's called self-help is because that self-energy inside of us never left us. A practitioner of IFS says that self is like the sun behind the clouds. And when the clouds dissipate, the sun can emerge naturally. And so when we are in that self-energy, we're resourced. We're in our adult, undamaged, resourced, unburdened self. And as we start to tend and care for these younger parts, self emerges.

• 17:08Speaker 02

  And that self-energy of compassion and curiosity and connection can actually be the internal healer and your parent to these young parts of ourselves.

• 17:18Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  And we become self-help, self-led leaders.

• 17:22Fearne Cotton?

  Do you think we need to get to the bottom of what the original pain was about? Because I was telling my mom about this the other day. My mom, I'm not saying anything that she wouldn't say. She's been on the podcast before. Has she been on the podcast? Yeah, she's been on the podcast. And she's pretty open talking about stuff. And she catastrophizes wildly, but also worries like

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Big protector.

• 17:44Fearne Cotton?

  To the next degree of like spirals and the anxiety is huge. And I was saying, oh, I've just, you know, I was doing that annoying thing. I've just read this book and that's a protector part. And she was like fascinated, but also said, well, I don't know what's beneath it. I don't know what it is. How do we get to know what we're trying to cover up? Is that part important to work that out?

• 18:07Speaker 02

  No, no and yes. I mean, I don't think that knowing the past necessarily is the path to recovery. I think that we can work with these parts of ourselves safely on our own when they're, when they're the day-to-day parts. And with their therapist, if it's something more extreme. But in my case, I didn't actually remember why I was an addict or why I was so hypervigilant or why. I didn't remember the trauma from my childhood because I had a big protector dissociation. Just checked out.

• 18:40Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  That's a protector. That's a big one.

• 18:42Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  Blocking the memory entirely. When I was 36, that memory came into my, my mind and my, my consciousness. And I had to actually really do the work to heal that. But The memory is still there, even if you don't remember. It lives in your body, it lives in your cells, it lives in your viscera, it lives in your your mind day to day, but you don't necessarily have the words for what it is.

• 19:06Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah. So it's just the awareness, because I think it's so it's so tricky to move from, well, I'm just needing to control things, or I'm really fucking angry, or I just can't stop worrying to, ah, this is a protector part, like having that step back and that awareness. That is hard, because we're so habituated, like this is stuff we've been doing for years. I was reading your book going, oh, I know what all of mine, mine is definitely a controlling thing. Like, I want to micromanage everything and be in control.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  Typical for entrepreneurs, yeah.

• 19:40Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, and also people pleasing, I think I'm coming out of that slightly, but that used to be a big issue for me, that was a big protector for me as well. And also worrying and anxiety, which again, I'm sort of feel like I'm slightly removed from now, I've done a lot of therapy on that. But it's really tricky to go, oh, okay. This isn't, I don't need to, like, I am aware that I am worrying disproportionately, or I am aware that I am trying to micromanage everything. Having that awareness feels so alien, because you're like, well, this is this is how life works, this is how I do things. And when things feel out of control, I get really uptight and I want to control everything. How did you go from being in it, being lost in those emotions, those big feelings, those protector parts,

• 20:24Fearne Cotton?

  to, ah, I can see what this is?

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Well, I did a lot of therapy with it, but I think that for the newcomer and that's just beginning with it, I think that, and this is also me practicing my own four steps that I've created, is being in the daily ritual of checking in with these parts of yourself, without having to actually even know them or define them. So you could know, okay, I have a belief that holds me back, or you could know I have a protection mechanism like control, or you could just say, I actually have anxiety, or I have an undesirable feeling that's kind of always around for me, or I know that I'm addicted to YouTube, or whatever it is. It's an undesirable feeling, it's a belief, it's a pattern or behavior. And typically, we don't want to deal with those feelings and patterns of behaviors.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  We just keep checking out with them. But in this practice, it's about checking inside. And so the first step is to choose to check in instead of check out.

• 21:23Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  So just making that decision. I'm going to just focus my attention inward towards this experience, this feeling, this emotion that is undesirable. And so you choose to check in. You focus your attention inside. The second step is to become curious about this part. So you start asking some questions. So where does this live in my body? What do I know about it? How long has it been around? Are there any feelings or thoughts or sensations attached to it? And you just kind of tease it out a bit and get, offer those questions and listen. The third step is compassionate connection. And this is where you would ask this part of yourself, what do you need? And then you listen because these parts will reveal things that will blow your mind.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  It'll be, it'll be, I need to rest, I need to dance, I need to be, they want to be like kids again.

• 22:13Fearne Cotton?

  And there's this journaling, you would say is a good way of getting those answers?

• 22:15Speaker 02

  There's a whole chapter called Let It Out, which is where you can just journal with the part, starting with choose to check in, then curiosity, journal the curiosity, then journal the compassionate connection, what do you need? And let your pen flow. And then the fourth step is to check for self, check for the C qualities of self. And those qualities, do I feel more calm? That would be self. Do I feel compassion towards this part of myself? That's self. Do I feel some curiosity? Do I want to know more? Self. Do I feel confident, courageous, creative and, and clear? And that's self. And so you would go through these four steps for one minute a day. And that's enough to start to get into relationship with these parts of yourself. Typically, we walk around and we just hate these aspects of ourselves, you know? I hate that I worry so much.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  I hate that I get so controlling. Listen, I was in my controller part yesterday. She acted out, she was being a bit of a bitch. And kind of really activated, she was super activated. Something wasn't in place that needed to be in place. People weren't handling it the way she wanted it done. She kind of freaked out. So then what did I do? I was on another podcast later in the day and I'm just teaching this with the same question, same types of questions. And I said, you know what? Let me just show you right now how I would do it on my own. So I self helped myself on the show. And within one minute, I started feeling better because I was able to forgive myself because that part of me was activated. I gave curiosity and compassion and calmness to the part.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  And by the end, I felt compassionate towards that part. I had clarity about why she was acting that way. I call her a she. I had a calmness around it and I had enough courage to actually apologize.

• 23:56Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so important because I think we're all so full of judgment, aren't we, towards ourselves? Like you say, you know, we don't like these parts of ourselves and we beat ourselves up. And that's actually blocking us from looking at any of it because we then sort of sink into shame slightly and.

• 24:11Speaker 02

  Well, of course, like if Rex came to you or Ali came to me and they said, you know, mommy, I'm so, I hate myself. I'm so mad at myself or I keep doing this bad habit or I did something bad or I'm really feeling anxious, which you've dealt with, right? You would, what would you do?

• 24:26Fearne Cotton?

  Oh, my God, you're just going, come here. It's all fine. Don't you know, it's we'll talk about this, we'll sort this out. You'd be compassionate. You would certainly not be judging. We are so mean to ourselves.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  That's right. And then how are we to our own inner children?

• 24:38Fearne Cotton?

  We're horrible.

• 24:39Speaker 02

  We would never treat our real human children the way we treat our inner children.

• 24:44Fearne Cotton?

  We really wouldn't.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  We never would.

• 24:48Speaker 06

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• 26:02Speaker 08

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• 26:03Speaker 09

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• 26:05Speaker 08

  And this is Boots Off.

• 26:08Speaker 09

  We are friends who have spent a decade together, walking up mountains, across deserts, and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans.

• 26:16Speaker 08

  And something happens when you're out there, feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. The conversations just spill out of you.

• 26:23Speaker 09

  This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure.

• 26:26Speaker 08

  The adventures that lead to adversity.

• 26:28Speaker 09

  And how life can be one big adventure in itself.

• 26:31Speaker 08

  Listen every Thursday, just search for Boots Off.

• 26:38Fearne Cotton?

  But I think it's that awareness piece is so key. Like even this morning, before I came here, I was doing my radio show and I was interviewing a guest who's written a brilliant book about anxiety. And, and she's a comedian, very, very funny, called Susie Ruffel. And, and we were talking about anxiety and it was all quite kind of jokey, but I had this moment of, oh my God, you know, you're, you're saying here, this is a daily check-in. I have been really slack on any daily anything recently. It's been like, oh my God, scrambling, school run, race to work, like everything's been a rush. And I sort of knew things were sliding a bit, but wasn't doing any kind of check-in whatsoever. I was racing from thing to thing. And last night I was playing catch with my son with this like rugby ball in the garden.

• 27:21Fearne Cotton?

  And I, I hadn't associated this with anything mental health-wise, but I was playing. Again with the universe again going right if I don't catch the next ball, something terrible is gonna happen. You know, this awful thing that I'm don't want to happen is gonna happen. And I dropped the fucking ball and then I was panicking and it and I was like this morning when I was chatting to her. Oh, my OCD is a little bit back. Right, okay, what am I gonna do about that? Whereas last night, I didn't even think it was OCD. I was like, oh, that awful thing's gonna happen because I dropped the rugby ball on the floor. And it's because I'm racing around, I'm not checking in and going, are you actually doing all right in there? How are you? No, I'm knackered, I'm racing around, trying to do too many things, and I'm certainly not being compassionate towards myself.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Do you wanna check in right now?

• 28:06Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  We don't have enough time to hang out, so let's just do it freaking here.

• 28:13Fearne Cotton?

  Come on then, let's do it.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  So what part is up with you right now? What's the part? Is it, what's a feeling, a belief, anything that's running the show at the moment?

• 28:21Fearne Cotton?

  I mean, all the, all the stuff that's coming to, I'm overwhelmed, certainly.

• 28:27Fearne Cotton?

  Feeling a little bit kind of anxious, nervy, slightly out of control. And like I'm chasing my tail and like I'm just sort of dropping all the balls all the time.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  Let's check in with the anxious part.

• 28:41Fearne Cotton?

  Okay.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Because there's actually, um, this is really helpful for your listener.

• 28:43Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Because there's a chapter in the book called anxious parts. And it's, I think, the sleeper hit in that book. I think that there's a, there's, I think I should just write a whole book about anxious parts.

• 28:55Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  And what, what that, oh, here we are, I have another book now.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  But there's, there is this um, presence of anxiety as something that we think is just something that happens or something that we are, I am anxious. Actually, anxiety is a form of protection. Anxiety is a protector. Now, there's of course instances where people have biochemical conditions. I have an anxiety disorder, which I believe is definitely originated as a protector. And then I, my brain took over, right? So I, I definitely believe that there's, there's need for medication when medication is needed and prescribed.

• 29:33Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  And I think that's a tool. And I also know that learning to relate to your anxiety through therapeutic processes is another extraordinary and important tool. You can't do one without the other.

• 29:43Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Okay, you can, but I wouldn't. So choosing to check in with the anxiety, let's not talk about it, let's just do it. Okay? But first, can we just take one moment to identify that it could be a protector, right?

• 29:54Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  If I'm anxious, I don't have to deal with these deeper impermissible feelings. If I'm focused on the anxiety, if I'm focused on the heart palpitations, if I'm focused on the the hypervigilance, then I don't have to deal with these deeper wounds.

• 30:09Fearne Cotton?

  Okay, yeah.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  So, let's choose to check in. I have your permission to check in.

• 30:15Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Step one is complete. You can, you can even close your eyes if you feel comfortable.

• 30:19Fearne Cotton?

  Okay, yeah.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  So just gently focus your attention inward and just pretend like you're with me just alone. And I know you can do that right now. And just take a deep breath in and let it go. I'm going to invite all the listeners or viewers to check in with us as well right now to their own anxious parts, because everybody has their own form of anxiety right now. And so focus your attention inward and then offer some curiosity to this part of you. And just let me know, you can speak to me, and just let me know, where does this anxiety live in your body?

• 30:52Fearne Cotton?

  Oh, chest.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  Chest, yeah, okay. Are there any other physical sensations or attached colors or anything like that?

• 30:59Fearne Cotton?

  Sometimes around the temples, the head, around the sides maybe.

• 31:04Speaker 02

  Okay, your head and your chest. Is there any color or any, any other images that come to mind?

• 31:13Fearne Cotton?

  Maybe blue. I don't know why.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  Okay. Are there any thoughts or sensations or images that are attached to it?

• 31:23Fearne Cotton?

  Hmm, I think at the moment, I'm just, it's all sort of parenting, kid-related sort of anxieties I'm going through.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  Okay. How long has this anxiety been around?

• 31:37Fearne Cotton?

  Oh, God, a long time. Um, ten years.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  Can you ask the anxiety how old it is?

• 31:46Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, I think it's actually older.

• 31:49Fearne Cotton?

  I think it's probably like, very old.

• 31:52Speaker 02

  Like, young, meaning like it's been around forever?

• 31:54Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, like, it's been around forever. I was young when it kicked in. Yeah.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  So young, it's a child?

• 32:00Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:01Speaker 02

  Okay. Is there anything else it wants you to know right now?

• 32:06Fearne Cotton?

  Um, well, I just had a nice little thought in my head that was like, you're safe. You're fine. Like it was, yeah, nice. It was like, you're safe.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  Nice. So there's some self coming in.

• 32:17Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Now with that connection and that self activation, let's extend some compassionate connection to the part right now. And ask the anxiety, what does it need?

• 32:30Fearne Cotton?

  It needs, it needs the compassion and the sort of messages, like I need to let myself off the hook.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 32:41Fearne Cotton?

  Cause I'm very hard on myself constantly.

• 32:43Speaker 02

  Can you let it know that you're willing to let it off the hook right now, just in this moment?

• 32:49Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Does it know that, that you're here with it?

• 32:52Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  Okay, let's let that settle in. So take a deep breath. And just send the message to the part, to the anxious, anxious part that you're in this moment with me. You're safe to let it off the hook right now, just, just for right now. We're gonna just give it some space.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Just give it one more deep breath.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Let's let it know that you're gonna let it off the hook right now. And now notice how you feel. What do you feel now?

• 33:22Fearne Cotton?

  I feel, I do feel a hell of a lot of karma, actually.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 33:27Speaker 02

  How do you feel towards this part of you?

• 33:30Fearne Cotton?

  Well, I feel like I'm like probably listening to it for the first time.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  So you have some clarity around it.

• 33:36Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  Do you feel any compassion towards it?

• 33:40Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, massively. Yeah.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. Are you curious to know more at some point?

• 33:46Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:47Fearne Cotton?

  Yes, always, always curious.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Okay, and you feel connected to it?

• 33:51Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah. Yeah, to a degree. I think I feel like I don't know the full picture maybe, but I definitely know that.

• 33:59Speaker 02

  You know it's there.

• 34:00Fearne Cotton?

  You know, it's there. I know that that is driving a lot of it is the being hard on myself, not giving myself a break, you know, like we talked about. Not having that self compassion you would to another person.

• 34:17Speaker 02

  Alright, so let's take one last deep breath in, just let that go. And just let that part know that you have one minute a day and you have four steps. And you're gonna just maybe make a commitment to it. To do one minute a day with the four steps.

• 34:32Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, I can do one minute a day.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  You could do it with me too. You have my app and you could just listen and I can guide you through it.

• 34:39Fearne Cotton?

  Oh my god, honestly, that's, I know that that's what I need to get into is the daily thing.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  One minute a day.

• 34:44Fearne Cotton?

  One minute a day, I spend so much, I spend like hours looking at shit on the internet I shouldn't be looking at.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Just start your day, you'll have the app right there and you can just do the self-help check-in. With that part before your day begins.

• 34:55Fearne Cotton?

  That would have been very handy when I was like dropping the rugby ball in the garden, thinking that my life was about to end.

• 35:00Speaker 02

  Right, well, the first thing you could do that would really help in those moments is just recognize, oh, that's my protector.

• 35:07Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  This is sort of what Eckhart Tolle would call witnessing the ego.

• 35:11Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Just witnessing and being like, there you are again. Oh, I'm not going to self-sabotage my life. My protector is trying to reveal something to me.

• 35:25Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  Oh, okay, you need some connection.

• 35:29Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  And then the nice thing about this prescription that I have for everyone out there is it's, it is deep work to turn inward and to focus our attention inside. But it's not that it has to be a lot of work. It can be one minute, four steps a day. Obviously, the more often you do it, it works if you work it. But that one minute in the morning of choosing to just tune in and focus your attention inward and go through those four steps has the power to completely change the rest of the day. And then, of course, if you have another activated moment, check in again. Check in again, check in again. And then it becomes so ingrained, I mean, it's in my system now. That I'm being interviewed on a podcast yesterday and I'm doing the check-in. Cause I showed up and I was in a bad place.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  I was just, I was mad, I was nervous, I was scared, I was back in a place where I had to do something that I, like work-related, that I was just frustrated about. And I was annoyed by it. And so I just used the tool live in real time.

• 36:24Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, so great. And I guess the more you're aware that these parts of yourself that You know, aren't great, whether, and that's without judgment, but you know, you don't want them showing up a lot, whether it's the control or the anger or whatever it might be. The more you have that awareness, I'm imagining the more you start to work from a very true place of like you say, self with an S. You're working from that truly authentic place where you're not clouded by ego or judgment or whatever, or fear. You're working from that real, that realness.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  Well, remember, self is calm, which was the first word that you came, came out of your mouth. Self is compassion, which you said. Clarity, which you said. Connection, which you had, right? Curiosity, you wanted to know more. Uh, the confidence to, to keep going, the courage, the clarity, it's creativity. You're in self when you're writing, you're in self.

• 37:23Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Right now, you're in self because this is your art. And, and so when, when we just have one minute and we could go from a 10 of all time high extreme anxiety to a zero with back to self. Self can help.

• 37:39Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  The steps are rooted, the steps of curiosity, compassionate connection. Those steps, those four Cs, there's the choose to check in, curiosity, compassionate connection, and then check for self. Those four Cs are self-guided practices to allow the part to feel seen.

• 37:59Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  That little child inside to feel seen, to feel respected, to feel compassion, and then to calm down.

• 38:06Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah. And I feel like I could almost have a nap. I feel so calm.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  That's a good sign.

• 38:12Fearne Cotton?

  After doing that. Makes me, I'm always tired after anything.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  I always yawn when I'm in therapy, yeah.

• 38:18Fearne Cotton?

  Yes.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  I fall asleep sometimes.

• 38:19Fearne Cotton?

  Same, I'm so sleepy. For people that find the compassion bit really tricky, which I'm imagining is most people listening. I certainly have a tough time.

• 38:31Fearne Cotton?

  Finding that self compassion, I think most of us, we've been conditioned, whether it's through media, you know, just stuff that we're imbibing, through just being a human, walking the planet. We're conditioned to not like ourselves very much and, you know, and that comes from all directions in life. We have to work so hard to like ourselves, which seems absolutely wild. If you're having a real tough time with that bit, you know, whether it's you know that this anger that keeps showing up in your life, you know, whether you know that that's ego or not. It can be very hard to go, you know, and that's all right, I still like myself, I like myself deep down. I think most people think, well, I don't, I don't like myself, or I feel a bit indifferent, or, you know,

• 39:13Fearne Cotton?

  very few people, especially British people are gonna be like, yay, I really like myself, I'm really forgiving of myself. How do we cultivate that? It's such a tricky one.

• 39:22Speaker 02

  The four steps, because if you just try to say, oh, I'm compassionate towards myself, that's bullshit.

• 39:27Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 39:28Speaker 02

  Right? Or, oh, I'm just gonna just forgive myself. No, these four steps, there's a whole chapter called self forgiveness and there's self compassion. That happens through the four steps. You have to have the part, you have to choose first to check in. You have to make the conscious choice to look at the part. Then you have to offer the curiosity. And then you have to offer the compassionate connection by just merely asking, what do you need? And then let the compassion emerge naturally, just like I said earlier, that self is the sun behind the clouds. And when the clouds dissipate, the sun emerges naturally. You can't just turn the lights on, you can't just open the shades and the sun's there, you have to let the clouds dissipate first.

• 40:05Fearne Cotton?

  And that's gonna take time. I mean, I'm, I'm in a pretty good headspace apart from these odd little blips of anxiety and OCD and all the things that we sort of encounter as humans. But there was definitely a period back in my early 30s where

• 40:18Fearne Cotton?

  it wasn't as if I was just sort of saying, I don't like myself. I thought I was a bad person.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:24Fearne Cotton?

  And I think many people out there have that, where like, I'm bad, I don't deserve good stuff, I don't deserve forgiveness. How the fuck do you get out of that one? Cause I, I just luckily did it through. Years on therapy.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:37Fearne Cotton?

  But I'm sure there are more effective ways.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Well, listen.

• 40:40Fearne Cotton?

  Or quicker ways.

• 40:41Speaker 02

  I think that the choice is the first step. Because I always say that your happiness is a choice you make. And a lot of people might be like, well, screw you. Because I can't choose to be happy when I'm having this difficult moment. Or da, da, da. And I have to say, well, those are the moments, the most difficult moments are the moments when we need that choice most. Because choosing instant joy isn't the necessary, isn't necessary. But choosing to do whatever it takes to get back to self. And so the choice is really the first step. Is just making that conscious choice to say, I'm going to actually see what's happening inside. We are trained to push down what's happening inside. Anesthetize what's happening inside.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Numb it out, check out, and stay in this sort of comatose state. But that's not going to work anymore, Fern.

• 41:32Fearne Cotton?

  No.

• 41:33Speaker 02

  We are in a really humongous global crisis. Not just the horrific things that we're seeing. But the energetic frequency of this planet at this time is at an all time crisis. It's an all time crisis. And so the way that, and I know this sounds, it's going to sound doomsday and a little bit existential. But I have to go there because I've been channeling this a lot lately. And so I'm using any platform I have to speak about it. That those of us who were in this work of what I would might call light work here that we're doing in our own unique ways of bringing forth messages of healing and messages of spirit and messages of hope and faith and optimism. We're first responders right now. Okay.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  And anyone out there that's in any form doing this kind of work. And so it is our responsibility to not only, to number one, do it for ourselves. Because when our vibration is clear, and that's why I'm going to say, you know, you have to, as your sister, as your friend, you have to check in every day.

• 42:32Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, I'm doing it.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Because you are a beacon of light. Not just for your family, but for many, many people. And I'm sorry, but it's a big responsibility and you signed up for it. Okay, your soul said, I'm coming here to do this. And so you signed up, you signed the contract, you came here and you're doing it. And so the responsibility is on us to do the inner work, to commit to the inner work, to be the presence, then to carry the message. Because the only way to sort of balance the chaos of these, you can see I'm channeling right now. But the only way to balance these. These chaotic times is by individuals transforming their vibrational frequency. It's absolutely imperative. And it has to happen one person at a time and a time and a time and a time. It's just light turns on, light turns on, light turns on, light turns on, light turns on.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  And it's not like our burdened parts of us disappear overnight. It's that we just have more and more access to self. And for anyone that's in a leadership role or has an actual platform, and really that's everybody these days, we all have a platform. We have to be at a better frequency. The only, it's the only way to support humanity right now.

• 43:37Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah. And that, you've got to have self compassion to do that because you, you need to want to help yourself.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

• 43:47Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:48Speaker 02

  You can't, we can't be walking around wounded healers. We can't be angry activists. We have to, we have to alchemize the anger and bring it into power. We have to, to heal the wounds, to actually step into the energetic frequency that we can offer. We can't, we can't, we don't have time to carry around the baggage and expect to be of service. We have to heal ourselves and then we have to show up. That's it.

• 44:14Speaker 04

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• 45:47Fearne Cotton?

  You said something that really stood out to me. I'm just trying, I've underlined so many parts, but you say, using these principles, you will no longer be a victim to your past or the future. And I think, again there, and I put this, I can only speak from my own personal experience, but for a while, when I was in a bad place mentally, I didn't realize I had a choice whether I was a victim to things that had happened or not. I just thought, they've happened and my life's shit. And nothing makes sense and I don't know what to do. And actually now, this bit further down the line, I can see not only the positives that I've taken from a really big road bump, but, well, it was way worse than that, but like a big black hole,

• 46:32Fearne Cotton?

  but also that I've got the choice whether I linger in that and I keep obsessing over it, or whether it's, you know, looking at whatever, or stepping out of it and going, right, that happened. This is what I've learned, but I will not be victim to that anymore. We do have a choice, and it's hard, but we do have a choice.

• 46:53Speaker 02

  Yes, do you choose to be the victim of the world you see? Or do you choose to learn from these experiences and do whatever it takes to get closer to consciousness? Because the difficult, most difficult moments in our life are oftentimes the easiest to choose the other choice because we have hit such a bottom that we have no more coping mechanisms to work with us. We have to just make the choice. Oftentimes, the choice is to survive.

• 47:18Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 47:18Speaker 02

  And and that would be find ourselves in that 12 step room or find ourselves that therapist or get back on that that that that self help healing path, whatever that might be. But I think that I think that the message that's coming through for me so clearly is that is that those coping mechanisms that once worked for us won't work anymore because so many of our comforts are being taken away and so much and we're being assaulted on a daily basis with horrific visions because of not that there wasn't always horrible things happening in the world, though things are quite amplified right now, but we can see it all. It's all in our face. It's just all day, every day in our fingertips. And

• 47:56Speaker 02

  so we're being assaulted. And so we have to have tools to withstand the shaky times. And I believe one of the greatest tools is having unshakable faith.

• 48:09Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah. Faith's a tricky one when things are going very badly because, again, you can you can really spiral and think, well, you can be quite nihilistic. What's the fucking point? I don't I can't see any light in this situation. If you're if you're feeling completely lacking in faith, how might you again turn to it or try and cultivate it?

• 48:31Speaker 02

  Well, I think when the during the good times is when you want to exercise it as much as possible so that it's there for you in the tough times. I I recall a time in 2022 where I had done I had done nine in 2020, I did nine rounds of IVF and I finally got one healthy embryo and I I carried that baby for five and a half months. And at the five and a half month mark, I had to had to have an abortion because the baby wasn't going to survive. And that was a pretty terrific moment that oftentimes too many women have to face. And I remember my girlfriends being like, you know, what what are you how are you going to get through this? And I looked at them and I was like, this is what I've been training for. That's what my faith held me like a blanket.

• 49:16Speaker 02

  I kept leaning into my faith and kept saying, show me what, reveal to me what I need to learn from this. Reveal to me the miracle in this. And you know, I kept saying, when I got that healthy embryo, well, all you need is one, all you need is one. And I remember when we were in the doctor's office and the doctor said to my husband, I do have any other embryos? Cause we could tell things weren't looking good at the five and a half month mark. And my husband said, all you need is one. And then I had to let that one go. And now, few years later, I have one healthy child. And what I recognize the miracle is Fern, is that all I need is one. All I need is one. And the only way I was going to get to that choice was to exhaust all the other options.

• 50:00Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 50:01Speaker 02

  And so that wasn't a fun way to get there, but it was how I had to get there. You know, the universe isn't always going to give you what you want, it's going to give you what you need.

• 50:08Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  And I need one. That's, that's, that's very suitable for, for, for my family.

• 50:14Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 50:15Speaker 02

  And for my energy and for my livelihood and, and for my child.

• 50:18Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah. Do you know what? I, I found it astonishing because I, you know, I was getting to know you through a bit of that process. And I heard you talk really publicly about that whole journey. And it's incredibly generous of you to do so, because it's not easy to talk about stuff like that when it's very personal and it's really hard. And, and, and also that roller coaster that you're going on very publicly. Like it's bloody full on. But you know, but that story, I think for so many women out there is, you know, comforting and soothing and helps people feel less alone.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  And, and, and it's a faith story, right? It's a story of me coming to a, hitting a bottom with such a horrific experience that many of us have in our own unique ways. And being able to sit in that and say, okay, God, show me what you'd have me learn from this. And I felt that, I felt this is what I've been training for.

• 51:12Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 51:13Speaker 02

  And this is what I've been counseling people on for, for over a decade, over two, almost two decades at that point. And, and I was blessed to be able to witness the miracle of my own faith.

• 51:23Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  That's why working your faith in whatever form that comes now, when things are working out decently.

• 51:32Speaker 02

  That it will be there for you when you need it.

• 51:34Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, yeah, again, it's a daily practice.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 51:37Fearne Cotton?

  It's the daily. Another quote that I really loved, and it jumped out, and I underlined it from your book, is we cannot make long lasting changes to our internal experience through outward adjustments. It seems as though the majority of us are living in the complete opposite way.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:56Fearne Cotton?

  We're constantly trying to tweak things in our outer world so we feel better. And then we soon realise it does very little, or it's very short lasting.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:05Fearne Cotton?

  Whether it's, oh my god, I don't, you know, it could be something like, I don't like my job, I'm leaving. Or I don't like where I'm living, I'm gonna move to the other side of the planet, or whatever. We'll always be met by ourselves, sadly.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  We will go with ourselves wherever we go.

• 52:21Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, it's a tough lesson to learn. I've done it loads of times. You've got to do this inside bit, which is longer, more tedious, can be more painful, and is daily forever, I'd say. That's always kind of the bad news with this great work.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  It's forever. It's our bad news forever. Because it gets easier and it becomes more fun, and it becomes more natural. And then you want more of it, because it's like going to the gym, you know, you do it more often, the more you want it, and the better you feel, and it just has such great benefits that you're just hungry for more.

• 52:50Fearne Cotton?

  But I think we're so trained in this day and age that we want the quick fix. Tell me, tell me the thing and I'll do it for a month and then everything will be fine. No, this is like daily work forever. And, you know, I'm using the term, it's bad news. I'm sort of, I guess, being slightly hyperbolic, because it is, it's something that we all know will work if we do it. There is a guarantee that if you do small practices or this inner work consistently, you will get results.

• 53:16Speaker 02

  It will work.

• 53:17Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 53:18Speaker 02

  I, I think that we have to sort of give ourselves the choice. It's to first look at our lives and say, well, how is this working out for me without doing the work, right? How's that working out for me? And, and then have this sort of unraveling of what am I gonna do with this? What is, what am I gonna do with this one sacred life? And what's the choice I'm gonna make? We, uh, well, I've asked my audiences in the last few months, I've been standing in front of these, you know, thousands of people, and I'll say to them, okay, how many of you have read my book, The Universe Has Your Back? And the whole room's like, yeah, The Universe Has Your Back. How many of you have read Super Attraction? Yeah, Super Attraction. And then I'll say, how many of you have read self-help? And like fifteen people in the front row were like, nah, you know.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  And I look at all them and I'm like, first of all, I'm like, I get it. You know, the book, it says in big red letters, self-help. But I wanted it to say what it is on the tin, as you guys would say. Because I wanted it to, to really be in your face. This is what you're going to get out of this. In retrospect, I probably should have lied to them because,

• 54:18Speaker 02

  because there's, because, you know, these people come, they want to learn how to manifest. I'm like, you want to know how to manifest? This is the, this is the only book you should ever read if you want to manifest. Because you manifest what you believe. So you could do all the manifesting tools in the entire world, and you will keep manifesting the same core beliefs that you have inside of you. And you may attract something in your life, but you still feel like shit. And so the reason that self-help is the biggest manifesting flex is because it actually changes your core beliefs. And when you change your core beliefs, you change your point of attraction. And when you change your point of attraction, that's when you become a magnet for what you do want. But most importantly, you feel good.

• 54:57Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  You feel more calm, you feel more confident, you have more clarity and creativity. What is the energy of manifesting? What is your super attractor? Hello, phone, shut up. What is your, what is the energy of manifesting? And what is your super attractor energy? It is self-energy. So, you know, then I say that, and then the bookstore in the back just piles out whatever.

• 55:19Fearne Cotton?

  I'll have 10.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  I was like, I want 10. But it's, but I, but I mean it. It's like, if you really want to manifest, self-help is the book.

• 55:26Fearne Cotton?

  How would you say these principles have changed your life personally?

• 55:30Speaker 02

  Okay. First, you could ask the people that are closest to me. You could say, hey, Jessica, hey, Zach, hey, you know, hey, Ollie, you know, how's your mom doing? And they'll say, she's still pain in the ass, but she's a lot better than she used to be. For me, I could say, I have so much self-compassion. I have a tremendous self-awareness. So I can know in the moment when I'm in a part, and I can now speak for the part rather than as the part. Or I can maybe be flooded and overwhelmed by the part, maybe, maybe sort of taken over by it for a moment, and then I can come back and speak for it and say, hey, this part of me took over, and I just want to apologize and take care of that. And it's a little bit of

• 56:12Speaker 02

  a dance, and it's a flexibility. But if all human, imagine all humans live like that. Oh, I just acted out. That was a part of me. That's not really my highest self. Let's repair, moving on. And then the more and more you do that, the more and more you actually can be in the presence of the part and not actually act out as the part. But actually say, part of me is really activated right now, and I'm going to do the best I can to work with that. I was listening to, I had the privilege of being asked to write the introduction to the re-release of Dr. Wayne Dyer's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life. And it was like one of the biggest privileges of my life, because he was my

• 56:52Speaker 02

  mentor. And I was listening to, re-listening to the book before I wrote the intro, as in Australia, listening. And there's this, this beautiful lesson, it's democratizing and, and channeling the Tao Te Ching and teaching it to us. And it talks about just sort of reputing the ego, almost, just repudiating the ego. So, so, so looking at the ego and, and, and just almost being in stillness with the ego, not do, do nothing, and just be the witness of it. And I thought about that from a standpoint of my parts. And I thought, okay, well, you know, I have a part that wants to be like, really, you know, sometimes wants to gossip or talk, talk about other people, or have a part that sometimes wants to tell everybody about myself, you know, like enough about me, let me tell you about my book, you know?

• 57:38Fearne Cotton?

  Totally.

• 57:40Speaker 02

  Totally. And so I, I've been in this practice of just witnessing the desire to do that. I was doing it today, actually, because there's a part of me that wanted to like, kind of say something kind of judgy. And I was like, don't say, I was saying this to myself, like, Abby, just sit in the discomfort of not saying anything, and just being with the feeling of what it is that you want to say.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  And it's life changing.

• 58:05Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  It's uncomfortable.

• 58:07Fearne Cotton?

  Of course.

• 58:07Speaker 02

  It's mind blowing how uncomfortable it is, particularly with gossip or judgment. Because it's such a high, you temporarily high.

• 58:14Fearne Cotton?

  Such a high.

• 58:15Speaker 02

  They actually wrote a really good book called Judgment Detox, another one that people didn't read.

• 58:20Fearne Cotton?

  I read it.

• 58:21Speaker 02

  A hundred thousand people read it, but not, not, not as many as I would have liked. Go read Judgment Detox.

• 58:24Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, it's so good.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  It's really good. Again, bad title. Should have named it like, should have named it like Manifest Everything, you know? And everyone would have read it, but, because it actually should re-release that with a new title. Sneaky. But that, but that was really just this witnessing the judgment. Witnessing the desire to just, to just do it, to be, to be in that space. And sit with how uncomfortable it is to not speak anything about it.

• 58:49Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, but oh my God, it saves you so much hassle and stress and a lack of energy and you stop judging yourself.

• 58:55Speaker 02

  And then you don't have to go through the judgment cycle, right? So you, you do the judgment and then you judge yourself for the judgment and then you don't like, then you, then you feel that judgment you don't like on yourselves. You judge somebody else again and it's just this loop.

• 59:06Fearne Cotton?

  A vortex of judgment.

• 59:07Speaker 02

  It's a vortex of judgment.

• 59:08Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, it's a fucking great book. How have we run out of time already? I feel like we've only just got started.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  I know, because we just were supposed to hang out longer.

• 59:15Fearne Cotton?

  Because I know, we need to do a part two, most definitely at some point. But before you go off and do another million things before you leave the UK. Gabby Bernstein, where is your happy place?

• 59:29Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm actually going to my happy place tomorrow. One of my happy places, Comporta.

• 59:34Fearne Cotton?

  Oh, I'm going to Portugal.

• 59:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. But my real happy place is my home.

• 59:39Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 59:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, my home.

• 59:41Fearne Cotton?

  Just being with your family.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  My cats, my son.

• 59:44Fearne Cotton?

  And your cats. Oh, your cat is so beautiful.

• 59:47Speaker 02

  There's two.

• 59:48Fearne Cotton?

  There's two now? Was there always two?

• 59:50Speaker 02

  There's two. They have their Bengals. One's white, one's, one's white and fat and one's skinny and brown.

• 59:55Fearne Cotton?

  I've seen the brown skinny one, yeah.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  They've got their spots. They're like leopards.

• 59:58Fearne Cotton?

  They're so gorgeous.

• 1:00:00Speaker 02

  They really are.

• 1:00:01Fearne Cotton?

  Cats are the best. I always bring a chat around to cats somehow.

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  You know, I think that that's actually the last thing I'll leave with is like a real great tool for healing right now is get a pet.

• 1:00:12Fearne Cotton?

  Get a pet.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  I think it's going to be really necessary.

• 1:00:15Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  The cats in particular, if you can, if you're not allergic to a cat, are so self-regulating.

• 1:00:21Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 02

  Their purr actually completely changes your nervous system.

• 1:00:25Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:25Speaker 02

  And they actually are known to clear energy, negative energy, and that's when a cat sits on you and just rests on you. And I do a cat meditation every day for an hour every day.

• 1:00:35Fearne Cotton?

  Oh, this is the dream.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  This is what I do. I lie down myself and I say, Jimmy Blue, it's time to meditate. And she's just, and she comes and she's meow, meow, meow. And then she, you know, starts doing the like kneading.

• 1:00:45Fearne Cotton?

  The kneading, the knitting.

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, right on my chest, lies down, purrs so loud and heals me.

• 1:00:52Fearne Cotton?

  It's the best thing ever.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  It is the best feeling in the whole world.

• 1:00:54Fearne Cotton?

  The first thing I do when I get up is I go into the kitchen. I pick up Frank, who's this big, black fluff ball. He's a baby, basically.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:02Fearne Cotton?

  And I can just pick him up like a baby. And I just stand there swaying, rocking him, sniffing him, talking to him in a really patronizing voice, like a baby voice.

• 1:01:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:11Fearne Cotton?

  Oh, the baby Frank, like this.

• 1:01:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:13Fearne Cotton?

  For like 10 minutes. And that's me sorted for the day.

• 1:01:17Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 1:01:18Fearne Cotton?

  It make, and you're so right. It just, it's calming, it's soothing. I would have a hundred if I could.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  I know, I kind of want more, but my husband would never let me.

• 1:01:27Fearne Cotton?

  I'm gonna get more.

• 1:01:28Speaker 02

  Do it.

• 1:01:29Fearne Cotton?

  They're the best.

• 1:01:29Speaker 02

  Kittens.

• 1:01:30Fearne Cotton?

  Yeah, little kittens.

• 1:01:31Speaker 02

  That's what I need, a little baby.

• 1:01:33Fearne Cotton?

  Um, that's a great end note.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  That might be my kitten face.

• 1:01:38Fearne Cotton?

  Honestly, if people heard me talk to my cat, they'd go, what is wrong with her?

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  Oh, I speak Spanish to my cats. I'm like, hola gatas, como estas? Buenos dias.

• 1:01:45Fearne Cotton?

  They're like, why is she speaking Spanish? We're American.

• 1:01:48Speaker 02

  They speak English. They speak Spanish and English. They're bilingual.

• 1:01:52Fearne Cotton?

  Um, Gabby, you're a dream.

• 1:01:53Speaker 02

  I love you.

• 1:01:54Fearne Cotton?

  Thank you so much. I love you so much.

• 1:01:56Speaker 02

  I love you so much. Thank you.

• 1:01:59Fearne Cotton?

  Oh Gabby, I love that. I really love that little moment for me to check in. I always get a bit embarrassed doing that sort of thing because I think, oh god. I sort of worry about, am I saying the right thing? And that is so the opposite of the point of it. Like, am I answering her questions in the way that she wants? Am I saying the thing that she thought I would say? It's so silly! But actually, once I relaxed into it, I really enjoyed it. Just having a little bit of self-reflection, really, really necessary. And I love the book. The book is brilliant, Self Help, it's out right now. Let's have an at on Instagram about the whole thing, @happyplaceofficial. Right, you lovely lot, until next time. A massive thanks again to Gabby, to the producer and Ashka Tate at Happy Place Studios, and to you, I love you loads.

• 1:03:10Speaker 03

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• 1:04:41Speaker 10

  It's time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween.

• 1:04:49Speaker 11

  And you guys know we don't do Halloween by halves. Full costume, full prosthetics, full commitment. I'm a rat. And I'm the chef. It's our Ratatouille special. Then we're grabbing our broomsticks for the witches. We've got a spooky hotline caller. An update from our woman who was in love with the ghost of Prince Albert. And your tarot card die lovers. Listen to our Halloween specials. Search for The Girl's Bathroom.