Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Secret Fast Food Order! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley About this episode Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 13,239 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 H. Foley? Merch alert, baby. Merch alert, merch alert, merch alert. The quality is going through the roof, as they'd say.
0:06 Speaker 01 Hookin'.
0:06 H. Foley? Gang, do yourself a favor. Get over to arugarbage.com. We got hats, we got shirts, got mugs, we got keychains.
0:12 Speaker 01 We got, we got, we got wall art, we got paintings you can buy. Go check it out. arugarbage.com, limited supply, let's do it.
0:19 H. Foley? Yeah. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
0:26 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
0:26 H. Foley? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it has to be classy.
0:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:31 H. Foley? Looked just a big ol' piece of trash.
0:33 Speaker 01 Trash, trash, trash.
0:34 H. Foley? I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Toody's and a new addition. She just hit a deer with the car.
0:39 Speaker 01 That's pretty good. I didn't see it coming, nor did she.
0:45 H. Foley? It's in the living room. My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
0:49 Speaker 01 The daily double down.
0:50 H. Foley? This is what we call the family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies, just the way we like it. Give it up for Kevin James Ryan.
0:58 Speaker 01 Woo, hey, shout out to you, mother effers. Uh...
1:03 H. Foley? Excuse me?
1:04 Speaker 01 First of all, thanks for tuning in. As always, just make sure you rate, you subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys got the ladder out and they're climbing a riggin' charts.
1:13 H. Foley? We're climbing the charts.
1:14 Speaker 01 Climbin' the charts, baby.
1:15 H. Foley? Top podcasts in the country.
1:18 Speaker 01 Uh-huh. Hottest guys.
1:20 H. Foley? Top comedy, we're in there.
1:21 Speaker 01 Top.
1:22 H. Foley? Top 100.
1:23 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
1:23 H. Foley? Something.
1:24 Speaker 01 Billboard.
1:25 H. Foley? Is that all the podcasts in the world, or just in the United States?
1:28 Speaker 01 United States.
1:29 H. Foley? Eastern regional United States.
1:31 Speaker 01 The lower, the lower half of Pennsylvania.
1:33 H. Foley? The lower 48.
1:35 Speaker 01 Um...
1:36 H. Foley? Which I like that. I like that term, the lower 48.
1:39 Speaker 01 The lower 48?
1:40 H. Foley? That's what it's called, lower 48 states.
1:43 Speaker 01 Why the lower 48?
1:44 H. Foley? That's what their kids call it. I don't know.
1:45 Speaker 01 I'm not accusing you, I'm just asking.
1:47 H. Foley? Yeah, I don't know.
1:48 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:49 H. Foley? Ask Kai Sennett, one of them kids.
1:50 Speaker 01 I show speed. Uh...
1:53 H. Foley? Tate McCray, I don't know. The kids are doing it.
1:55 Speaker 01 Check out, and then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/areyougarbage.
2:00 H. Foley? Oh, yeah.
2:00 Speaker 01 You go over there, you get all that bonus content. And I cannot stress enough, the shows are selling out. If you want to come see the boys on the road, we're doing some club weekends, four, five, six shows in some markets. We're adding some stuff, we're shooting some stuff. Get your tickets, because we can add shows everywhere.
2:15 Speaker 02 The lower 48 actually is a term from Alaskans.
2:19 H. Foley? Ah.
2:20 Speaker 02 To describe the lower 48 states.
2:21 Speaker 01 But shouldn't it be the lower 49?
2:23 H. Foley? No.
2:25 Speaker 01 How many states are there?
2:26 H. Foley? Hawaii is by itself.
2:27 Speaker 01 Okay, but it's still lower than Alaska.
2:30 H. Foley? Nah, it's on a part of the forty, it's not, it's not in a clump.
2:32 Speaker 01 The lower forty-
2:33 H. Foley? It's out there in a goddamn ocean!
2:34 Speaker 01 The lower forty-eight doesn't imply that they're connected at all.
2:37 H. Foley? I think it does, they're grouped together.
2:38 Speaker 01 I get that, but I'm just saying Hawaii is also lower.
2:41 H. Foley? Well, talk to them.
2:42 Speaker 01 Okay.
2:43 H. Foley? I know what to tell you.
2:44 Speaker 01 Sure.
2:47 H. Foley? Go over there and straighten it out.
2:48 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
2:49 H. Foley? They're not gonna take too kindly to you.
2:51 Speaker 01 Where, Hawaii?
2:51 H. Foley? Yeah.
2:52 Speaker 01 Been there, done that, not gonna back.
2:55 H. Foley? Those Samoan guys, fuck, they fucking tune you up.
2:58 Speaker 01 What are you?
2:59 H. Foley? I'm a holly, yeah.
3:00 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:00 H. Foley? I respect local customs, though. I like a zippies, tell you that. I like that max salad they do over there. I'm sorry. Speaking of which, I got something I wanted to run by you.
3:13 Speaker 01 You have lady frames? What glasses are those? That's fucking insane, dude.
3:17 H. Foley? They make me look smarter. Or more, uh, uh-
3:20 Speaker 01 Ladylike?
3:21 H. Foley? They make me look, uh-
3:22 Speaker 01 Fucking Ruth Bader-
3:22 H. Foley? More artistic.
3:23 Speaker 01 Ruth Bader Ginsburg over here.
3:25 H. Foley? To go with my, my brute physique and face.
3:28 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:28 H. Foley? It's softened me up a little bit. They're very Andrew Zimmerman.
3:31 Speaker 01 They're very Aunt Claude.
3:32 H. Foley? Weird eats.
3:33 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
3:34 H. Foley? What's, what's it called? Strange eats?
3:35 Speaker 01 You tell me.
3:36 H. Foley? He ate bugs. What was it?
3:37 Speaker 01 I told you. What are you talking about? I don't know.
3:40 H. Foley? Listen.
3:42 Speaker 01 You're in charge of food and food shows. That's your, that's your department. Why are you asking me?
3:46 H. Foley? Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman.
3:47 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
3:48 H. Foley? I'd love to have him on.
3:49 Speaker 01 Bizarre Moods with H. Foley. Who are you gonna get today?
3:53 H. Foley? I wouldn't mind having Zimmerman on. He'd be fun.
3:55 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
3:56 H. Foley? I like that guy. He's got a couple of things that I would eat. Not that fucking fermented shark they have in Norway, though.
4:04 H. Foley? A lot of ketchup for that.
4:07 H. Foley? Speaking of food,
4:09 H. Foley? I wanted to ask you, get your opinion on this. We were together-
4:12 Speaker 01 They're not gonna respect that, but sure.
4:14 H. Foley? We were together at a-
4:16 Speaker 01 Yo, who do you know?
4:17 H. Foley? We were together at a show, recently, and we didn't talk about this, but I either have a secret admirer, or somebody's trying to set me the fuck up.
4:28 Speaker 01 I don't know what you're talking about.
4:30 H. Foley? Got to a show last night, we're coming down the steps, the manager goes, "Foley, your food's here."
4:36 Speaker 01 This is crazy.
4:39 Speaker 01 Sure, yeah.
4:40 H. Foley? He goes Foley, your food's here. And I'm like, he says it in front of me, my food? I didn't order anything.
4:44 Speaker 01 Dude, he, yeah.
4:46 H. Foley? We were running around the city all day.
4:47 Speaker 01 It looked like he got caught with his wiener out. The vibes on him.
4:52 H. Foley? You've known me 15 years. I don't order food at a fucking comedy club. I don't eat in front of people.
4:59 Speaker 01 I, it was a lightly attended show. It sold out. It wasn't our show, but it sold out.
5:04 H. Foley? Yes.
5:04 Speaker 01 Um.
5:07 Speaker 01 Can I, yes. I mean, what do you want, what do you want from me? You're gonna push back on anything I say. And I get, I would do the same thing. I would defend myself to the death.
5:15 H. Foley? First of all.
5:16 Speaker 01 Rightfully so, as a dirtbag should do.
5:18 H. Foley? It was about a hundred and fifty dollars worth of Cane's Chicken.
5:21 Speaker 01 It was Cane's Chicken. If it was a Cobb salad, I got, you got the wrong guy. This is a setup.
5:27 H. Foley? And he's like, I saw the delivery guy, it said H. Foley on it. And I'm looking through my Uber Eats. I'm like, I didn't fucking order any chicken.
5:34 Speaker 01 You didn't, I said, let me, I just, you know.
5:36 H. Foley? I showed you. There was nothing in my recent activity.
5:39 Speaker 01 Could have been DoorDash, though, or one of the other scandalous apps you have on your phone. You got the Raising Cane's app?
5:45 H. Foley? I'm using a VPN to fucking order chicken.
5:48 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah, I don't know. I mean.
5:49 H. Foley? There's a lot of chicken.
5:50 Speaker 01 There's a lot of chicken. Every day, they hand, dude, they handed him a bag of chicken. And you would have thought that it was, he knew they were undercover cops handing them blow. He was like, no, I, I, I, I never seen you. I don't touch the stuff. I don't like chicken. I'm a vegetarian. Get that shit out of here.
6:05 H. Foley? If you guys are cops, you gotta tell me.
6:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, it was very, if you're an Uber Eats guy, you gotta tell me.
6:09 H. Foley? I, I, I didn't order it.
6:10 Speaker 01 I, I believe you.
6:12 H. Foley? I know you do.
6:13 Speaker 01 Part of me.
6:14 H. Foley? What do you think, what do you think that was?
6:16 Speaker 01 I think it could have been a couple of things. Dude, my immediate thought process is that you were guilty. I think, I think that's fair. I think that's, based on me knowing you for 15 years, your ability, your, your inclination to lie, your inclination to eat some chicken.
6:34 Speaker 01 Are all in.
6:35 H. Foley? Now I know how the Nuremberg guys felt. Jesus Christ. I thought I was being given a fair trial.
6:41 Speaker 01 Fucking kangaroo court you got going on here. Uh, I'm just saying, right? Like, if someone goes, "Hey, I got a bag of chicken for Foley," you go, "That's not me."
6:48 H. Foley? I gotta. I saw your name on it.
6:50 Speaker 01 I gotta lean towards.
6:51 H. Foley? First of all, I don't fuck with canes. Not that I don't fuck with it. I never had it. Okay?
6:56 Speaker 01 Until last night.
6:56 H. Foley? And I don't make a habit of showing up at, at shows and eating. I would never do that. You know me.
7:03 Speaker 01 I get that. But we were here, so this is my immediate.
7:07 H. Foley? I was with you all day, motherfucker.
7:10 Speaker 01 Probably your chicken. Fuck, it set me up. Um, I've been planning this all week, Jake.
7:15 H. Foley? Yeah, maybe it was you.
7:16 Speaker 01 I didn't know you got wet.
7:18 H. Foley? You ran out to see the Three Wisemen?
7:21 Speaker 01 Diesel, new guy Luke and Mark the Shark. Um, I, uh, I immediately thought you got a, okay.
7:29 H. Foley? Hadn't we just eaten?
7:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:31 H. Foley? We did.
7:32 Speaker 01 But you been eating?
7:32 H. Foley? We ate here.
7:33 Speaker 01 Uh, hold on. Listen, you're, you're lit, just, this, do you want my, can I give you what I thought?
7:38 H. Foley? Yeah.
7:39 Speaker 01 You ate pretty good all day.
7:43 H. Foley? Yeah.
7:44 Speaker 01 So typically when we eat good all day, I think you might go home and have what I would like to call a feeding session sometimes.
7:51 H. Foley? I do sometimes. I'll admit that. I'll admit that.
7:54 Speaker 01 That's not, this is very hard feelings. That's not, you know, accusation. Yeah, that's all I'm saying.
7:59 H. Foley? Yes. You know I like the daily doubles from McDonald's. I, I admitted to getting a, a double Whopper with no cheese. Junior.
8:05 Speaker 01 Oh, no cheese?
8:06 H. Foley? Junior. Junior. Whopper Junior.
8:07 Speaker 01 Mr. Universe over here. Must have the size of the universe.
8:11 H. Foley? I just like the taste of it sometimes. Sometimes.
8:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's why, what is he talking about?
8:14 H. Foley? No, no, no. I mean, I, sometimes I just like a hamburger, believe it or not.
8:17 Speaker 01 Sure. Okay.
8:18 H. Foley? Yeah.
8:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, no, we could, hey, Trav hit me? We can believe it. Well, I guess Luke hit me? Luke does these?
8:23 H. Foley? Sometimes.
8:24 Speaker 01 Or Mark the Shark hit me?
8:26 H. Foley? I'll hit you.
8:28 Speaker 01 With a bag of chicken.
8:29 H. Foley? With that Cane's finger licking sauce.
8:31 Speaker 01 Uh, raising canes can't sell chicken around here. Um, so here's my immediate thought was, cause you did leave for a little while. We were separated for a couple of hours.
8:42 H. Foley? I went up to do a spot.
8:45 Speaker 01 Were we not separated for some time?
8:47 H. Foley? Yeah.
8:48 Speaker 01 Did you then come in and not talk to me, really?
8:52 H. Foley? I came in and worked on something, on the computer.
8:55 Speaker 01 Okay, but answer my question.
8:57 H. Foley? Yeah.
8:57 Speaker 01 Did you come in and not speak to me for a while?
8:59 H. Foley? Man, this is really stacking up against me.
9:01 Speaker 01 I'm just saying, were you furiously on your computer? And I said, "What are you working on?", and you said, quote-unquote, "Shut your mouth."
9:10 H. Foley? Well, I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to read you this, I wanted to read you the little story I wrote.
9:14 Speaker 01 I know, I'm just sharing, this is-
9:16 H. Foley? About me sneaking away to get Cane's chicken.
9:18 Speaker 01 I'm just saying, this is the information I'm processing in real time.
9:21 H. Foley? Yeah.
9:22 Speaker 01 Right? I'm a detective, call me Columbo.
9:24 H. Foley? First of all, you're nothing, because I, because we had the door locked, I opened the door, he's fucking peeking around the corner like he's fucking-
9:30 Speaker 01 That was a bad-
9:31 H. Foley? Like he's Shelley Duvall.
9:33 Speaker 01 I was watching porn!
9:36 H. Foley? Tough guy over here.
9:37 Speaker 01 I knew it was you.
9:38 H. Foley? Yeah, right. I could've went through you like butter.
9:41 Speaker 01 First of all, you had a problem opening the door, so let's, let's all step back, like you, you weren't serving a no-knock warrant, okay?
9:48 H. Foley? Alright.
9:50 Speaker 01 So I see that you do, and I get, right, bigger guy, someone hands you a bag of chicken in public, you go, "No, no, no", you're, you're a little flustered a little bit.
9:59 H. Foley? I'll admit this, if I did order it-
10:00 Speaker 01 It was my chicken.
10:01 H. Foley? If I did order it, let's say we didn't know, like, I knew that show was sold out, there's no way that I would've done that, but, if I would've, let's say I would've ordered that chicken, now, it's way too much chicken for me to order. It was like a hundred and fifty dollars' worth of chicken fingers. So either, somebody was trying to fuck with me, or somebody was being, you know, being, "Oh", you know, whatever, like, you know.
10:24 Speaker 01 No, I don't know.
10:25 H. Foley? A secret admirer or something. You know?
10:28 Speaker 01 Sure. What are the chances you have a secret admirer send you a hundred and fifty dollars' worth of chicken, or you got caught ordering a hundred and fifty dollars' worth of chicken?
10:35 H. Foley? That's what sucks, I'm with you.
10:36 Speaker 01 I know, I get it, so here's my-
10:37 H. Foley? But I'm, listen to what I'm telling you, I'm saying, I would've-
10:41 Speaker 01 This is all the, this is all the behavior of a very guilty conscience, that's all I'm saying. You're not letting me get my theory.
10:46 H. Foley? I would've denied it, I would've denied it, if I would've ordered it and would've walked in there and saw, "Oh, fuck, there's a bunch of people, a bunch of chicks and shit like that", "I can't be eating chicken", and this guy calls me out saying, "Follow your chickens here!"
10:56 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
10:56 H. Foley? I'm like, "What the fuck are you talking about?".
10:58 Speaker 01 So here, here, so my immediate thought went to, "He ate pretty good all day", He did disappear for a while. He was frantically on his computer trying to figure something out. I thought maybe it was a misfire. You put in the wrong loca- maybe you were gonna send it home, get it delivered to the house for when you go. I didn't know what you were doing. I thought you misfired the location and it got sent, which would be a you thing, through the wrong drop-off point.
11:26 H. Foley? I did do that the other night.
11:27 Speaker 01 See?
11:28 H. Foley? On the way home.
11:29 Speaker 01 I'm good. I know my big man.
11:30 H. Foley? I did not order it. On the way home that night.
11:31 Speaker 01 I don't believe you ordered it, but that's immediately... I genuinely believed at the moment you didn't order it, but 50% of me was like, "This for sure could have happened and I wasn't gonna throw you under the bus in front of strangers."
11:47 H. Foley? You wait till now when in front of hundreds of thousands of people.
11:49 Speaker 01 You brought it up. 250,000.
11:51 H. Foley? Well, you could've. You could've been like, "Yeah, it's crazy. Who do you think it was?" This wasn't more of a, "I'm looking for an investigation on me. I was looking to help, I was looking for you to help me."
12:00 Speaker 01 I want the guy who ordered this chicken to get his chicken.
12:03 H. Foley? I was looking for, I was looking for you to help me to solve the, the, the, uh, mystery of who do you think ordered it?
12:09 Speaker 01 Well, listen, there was a lot of, uh, it wasn't our show, but there was a lot of, uh, you know, we were billed on the show, so there's a lot of homies and bozos there. Maybe someone was like, "The big dog likes chicken." I'll, I'm not, but you're not even known to like chicken.
12:24 H. Foley? You know who's known to like chicken?
12:27 H. Foley? Kevin Ryan.
12:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, send me some chickies.
12:29 H. Foley? And sometimes people come up and see us and they go, they'll say to me, "Oh, hey Kevin." So maybe they thought...
12:35 Speaker 01 But if you know, Kippy like-
12:36 H. Foley? Did you order chicken?
12:37 Speaker 01 Did I order chicken? No.
12:39 Speaker 02 I think we were talking on an episode about us not having Raising Canes before, which might be a reason why I secretly admire-
12:45 Speaker 01 But then I think a DM would've came in, "Hey, I sent you chicken." "Who sending chicken?" "Give me a couple of bucks or something." Um... Yeah, I don't know. But that was, that's a tough look and...
12:59 H. Foley? Tough look. And it wouldn't go away.
13:01 Speaker 01 It was just sitting there.
13:02 H. Foley? I kept hearing the manager all night, "Yeah, it was, I thought it was, came in for Foley."
13:06 Speaker 01 Hey, Foley says it's not hit, dude. You heard-
13:09 H. Foley? At the end, all the servers are picking at it like they were pigeons.
13:12 Speaker 01 You were getting real on me.
13:14 H. Foley? "That's my chicken."
13:16 Speaker 01 Tough. It's the life and times of a fat man. I get it.
13:19 H. Foley? I felt like a dead whale floating and all the seagulls were picking at me.
13:23 Speaker 01 You explode when they take you through town. You ever see that? There's a thing about whales.
13:26 H. Foley? You blow them up on the beach. That's what you do. That's the move. That's how I do it. I don't fucking bring it through town if the gases expand. You blow them up on the beach. Little TNT. Little candy as they used to call it back in the day. Little candy. It's from The Irishman.
13:44 Speaker 01 I didn't think you'd live the life where you were playing with candy.
13:48 H. Foley? You ever hold dynamite before?
13:50 Speaker 01 Nah, a couple of quarter sticks that people used to... Somebody was making... My stepdad. My stepdad...
13:57 H. Foley? Did you hang out with Doc Brown?
13:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, my stepdad was into, not weird shit, but they were like hillbilly folk. Where like... They had that kinda, that kinda stuff was around. They were the kinda guys of like, "I don't use dynamite a lot, but I might need it and I ain't paying market price for it." I know a guy, three finger ready, get you a couple of sticks.
14:18 H. Foley? What about nitro? You ever mess with that?
14:20 Speaker 01 What's nitro?
14:20 H. Foley? Nitroglycerin.
14:22 Speaker 01 Do I ever mess with nitroglycerin?
14:23 H. Foley? It's liquid. It's very unstable. I saw it in an episode, I think Little House on the...
14:28 Speaker 01 Call it Bug Man Juice.
14:29 H. Foley? Little House on the Prairie or something like that.
14:31 Speaker 01 They weren't banging with nitroglycerin?
14:33 H. Foley? It was some, it was an old show like that. Maybe it was the A-Team?
14:36 Speaker 01 That makes sense.
14:37 H. Foley? I don't know.
14:37 Speaker 01 That was also one of the things back in the day where you go, "It's nitroglycerin." Ooh, you don't know nothing about it.
14:42 H. Foley? Scare the shit out of you. What do you got, Luke?
14:44 Speaker 02 Extremely unstable, unstable, highly sensitive, liquid explosive.
14:49 H. Foley? Sounds like me.
14:51 Speaker 01 Alright, we gotta get it. Guys, we got a Gosh darn Family episode on our hand, as you know.
14:54 H. Foley? If you sent a chicken, hit us up.
14:56 Speaker 01 Send more. Um, no, don't be sending, everywhere we go, there's gonna be fucking chickens showing up.
15:01 H. Foley? Sure.
15:01 Speaker 01 Which might not be the worst thing.
15:03 H. Foley? No.
15:03 Speaker 02 Did that like 24 ounce soda cup of the cane sauce come up?
15:07 H. Foley? Yeah, man. It was a fucking huge bag. There was like four styrofoam things in there.
15:11 Speaker 01 The bag looks so, the plastic bag looked so greasy. It was crazy. It had the perfect knot on top.
15:18 H. Foley? Follow your chickens here. In fact, people were still seating. There's a bunch of chicks out there. Brutal. What if I was like, "Oh yeah, thanks." So I would've housed it.
15:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, listen, but that...
15:31 H. Foley? They give you fries and a piece of bread too.
15:33 Speaker 01 That wouldn't be crazy.
15:35 H. Foley? You think that I would be able to sit in a room full of people?
15:38 Speaker 01 No, I'm just saying, no.
15:39 H. Foley? In the corner.
15:40 Speaker 01 What, you go in the showroom? That'd be a little, that'd be a little rude.
15:44 H. Foley? You know I can't eat in front of people like that?
15:46 Speaker 01 I know, but I'm saying like if somebody saw you eating chicken strips at the end of the day, nobody would be like, "What? Holy shit."
15:52 H. Foley? A fat guy sitting in the corner eating chicken strips? Come on.
15:57 Speaker 01 No one thinks you don't eat, I don't, I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, no one's going, "What in the heck? This is, this is madness." And, "Ah, here's a fat guy eating a chicken strip." Who eats chicken strips? Fat guys.
16:12 Speaker 01 Athletes aren't eating chicken strips like that. Natural, people who are natural athletes, obviously.
16:17 H. Foley? I've had the Japanese stuff from next door once in there, but that was when the show was going on and I was sitting there. And I split it with Tommy. It was like a scallion pancake or something like that.
16:26 Speaker 01 They stopped making them, the Japanese pizza. I love that guy. The guy, the owner of that, oh whatever, we're getting deep in the woods.
16:32 H. Foley? Yeah. Little Japanese spot.
16:34 Speaker 01 Um, like I tried to say, all that's either here and there, we got a gosh darn family episode on our hands.
16:39 H. Foley? Tell me what's going on with you.
16:40 Speaker 01 I will, can you?
16:43 H. Foley? Talk to me.
16:44 Speaker 01 As you know, when you join the old Patreon, we will, uh, read your question on the air. Um, and let's friggin' get into it. This one's a homerun, this is from Olympic gold medalist, $10 homie, ever catch a heater with your college professor before you both walk into class?
17:00 H. Foley? Ooh.
17:02 Speaker 01 Dirtbag for sure. I would prob, but you know, you're getting the benefit of the doubt with a guy you share a heater with. If you're on the fence of a D to a C, a couple of points here and there, he's gotta read your essay. You're, you're getting a cushion. You're getting the heater, the heater boy cushion.
17:25 H. Foley? That's the first thing they give, uh, spies.
17:27 Speaker 01 What?
17:29 H. Foley? Pack of heaters and gum. Pack of heaters and gum get you halfway through fucking Eastern Europe.
17:33 Speaker 01 It's a good point.
17:34 H. Foley? You know what I mean?
17:35 Speaker 01 It's a real good point.
17:36 H. Foley? Smoke, smoke. Cops do say, "Smoke, smoke, smoke."
17:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:39 H. Foley? That's how you get somebody. That's how I got you, sucker.
17:42 Speaker 01 That's how I got you, unfortunately. You didn't have cigs.
17:45 H. Foley? First cigarette, I gave you one though.
17:46 Speaker 01 No way.
17:47 H. Foley? Yeah.
17:48 Speaker 01 Dude, never in the history of us.
17:50 H. Foley? I gave you that and some chocolate bars.
17:52 Speaker 01 No.
17:52 H. Foley? After that, he was mine.
17:53 Speaker 01 Told the story, I gave you a re-ass for a ride home. It was like eight blocks. My car was 10 blocks the other way and you complained the whole... "What a hump this is." "Jesus, you could've told me you parked over here." "This is... I would've walked home." Uh, news flash, no you wouldn't have. Bumming my heaters, stealing my lighters.
18:13 H. Foley? I should've made you go pick the car up and come back and get me. Show a little respect.
18:17 Speaker 01 Going through my cup holders, stealing my change. I haven't seen Easy Pass since any...
18:23 H. Foley? Can't wait to talk about Lucy.
18:24 Speaker 01 Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!
18:25 H. Foley? Talking about Lucy Breakers, baby. We're talking about always 100% tobacco-free, pure nicotine. Lucy Breakers nicotine pouches have a little extra surprise, as you know. Each pouch has a capsule which can be broken to release a little extra flavor and a little hydration, which is important. Get it delivered right to your door, gang. We love them.
18:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, uh, shout out to Lucy. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. The good folks at Lucy send us nice little care.
18:50 H. Foley? They always go missing, don't they?
18:52 Speaker 01 And when I gotta be honest, when they show up, the rats come out of the woodwork. Anybody that's ever seen us on the show, "Hey, can I grab these? I want these." I feel like I'm getting raided every time.
19:04 H. Foley? Luke brings an extra bag.
19:05 Speaker 01 Yes, Lucy's the only pouch that gives you long-lasting flavor whenever you need it. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online with the code GARBAGE. And if you don't want to wait, just head to lucy.co/stores to find out where Lucy is near you and you can grab it today. And here comes the fine print, gang. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, obviously, and every order is age verified. Warning: This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.
19:32 H. Foley? Kim, let's talk about Helix.
19:33 Speaker 01 Helix, Helix, Helix.
19:34 H. Foley? You don't like Helix, do ya?
19:35 Speaker 01 Oh, I friggin' love Helix. I got a Helix. I masturbated on a Helix today.
19:40 H. Foley? Woo, that's so funny. So did I.
19:42 Speaker 01 Different Helixes.
19:43 H. Foley? Helix been with us since the Jump Street gang. So do us a favor, go over there and support Helix. Talk about the best mattress you're ever gonna have. You don't gotta go to the store, you take a two-minute quiz. They tell you how you sleep, and they pair you with the best mattress you're ever gonna have.
19:55 Speaker 01 Listen, best sleep-
19:55 H. Foley? End the story.
19:56 Speaker 01 Best sleep of my life, I was sleeping like a bozo, a schmendrick, a schmuck, until I got a Helix, and now I sleep like a gosh darn gentleman.
20:05 H. Foley? Like a king.
20:06 Speaker 01 And you can too, if you get a Helix. Listen, times are tou- times are crazy. Things- times are tough. Sleeping is- getting a good- good night's sleep is hard.
20:18 H. Foley? Gotta get a good night's sleep.
20:20 Speaker 01 The Helix Sleep makes it easy for me to get some nice shite eye, wake up rested, start, and take the day.
20:26 H. Foley? Start yelling at people.
20:27 Speaker 01 That's what Helix does for me, baby. Uh, go to helixsleep.com/garbage for 27% off site-wide, baby. I'm talking 20% off the entire website. That's helixsleep.com/garbage, 20% off site-wide. Make sure you entered our show name after checkout, and let them know that he- that he- let Helix know that the boy sent you. One more time, helixsleep.com/garbage. Do it.
20:48 H. Foley? Yeah. Uh, man, I know that professor.
20:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, I never really had one, um, there was one, he was like an English teacher, and he would not- I always- My thing was I would got right by- not right by the door, but to the building, park bench, whatever, crank a heater.
21:07 H. Foley? This is college.
21:08 Speaker 01 It'd be weird if I was doing it after college. What's up, dude? I'm Kippy.
21:14 H. Foley? What's the talent like this year, huh? No, high school, man.
21:17 Speaker 01 Go Rams! Uh, what?
21:18 H. Foley? High school.
21:19 Speaker 01 You can't smoke at high school? What the fuck you talking about?
21:23 H. Foley? I know, teachers used to- they wouldn't even admit that they did smoke.
21:27 Speaker 01 Who?
21:27 H. Foley? We had this one guy, uh, uh, that always smelled like mint gum and- and deep heaters. He must've been fucking- Hotboxing them, quick, in between classes.
21:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:39 H. Foley? But they wouldn't even admit it. Never saw a teacher smoke.
21:42 Speaker 01 Nah.
21:42 H. Foley? A teacher that rips heaters is an alright teacher.
21:44 Speaker 01 Also, we, ten years difference from when I was in high school to you were. It was very, I mean, at that point, the, the country had shifted on heaters. But, uh, we had one guy, I forget his name.
21:56 H. Foley? Smoking during football practice.
21:58 Speaker 01 This guy loved a heater, my social studies, Mr. Evans or something. I mean, dude, that fucking, that Ketcher Smith face, the deep wrinkled face, you know what I mean? Like, real deep heater-lined face, always a mint in to cover up the heater smell.
22:15 H. Foley? Didn't.
22:16 Speaker 01 Clacking it through his teeth, yellow baked bean teeth. Ah, now we shall commence. And this guy likes a marb red. You can, I can look at someone's weathered face and tell if it's menthol or non-menthol.
22:31 H. Foley? Oh, for sure.
22:32 Speaker 01 This guy, he was a, he was a menthol guy, for sure. I just look, I go.
22:34 H. Foley? Menthol profiler.
22:35 Speaker 01 You're, yeah, you're smoke, you're smoking menthols. That ain't...
22:40 Speaker 01 That ain't clean tobacco.
22:42 H. Foley? Salem's, maybe.
22:43 Speaker 01 Dude, somebody who smokes Salem's, I can clock it from three bars.
22:46 H. Foley? Salem's are Kools back in the day. My aunt smoked Kools for a little while.
22:51 Speaker 01 Sure, friends of, friend, uh, friend, uh, listens to the show, friend of mine's father, father listens to the show, uh, smoked Kools and we would have, we'd be in a pinch or, you know, stealing them.
23:01 H. Foley? Those things are minty.
23:03 Speaker 01 You're have, you're late, you know, you're at the bar late or whatever, at the house, you run out of heaters. Cause me and my boy would smoke heaters, the same kind. So if I ran out...
23:13 H. Foley? Yeah.
23:14 Speaker 01 He's got you. If he ran out, I got.
23:16 H. Foley? You and Marlboro Light girls.
23:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, and we got each other, you know what I mean? So it's like, if I got six, he's got, we'll get you through tonight. We'll get the last, but if you didn't, you had to go to his dad.
23:24 H. Foley? Poo.
23:25 Speaker 01 Fucking dude, doing a fuck.
23:26 H. Foley? You'd go ask him for one?
23:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, doing a menthol cig, or he used to hide them in the garage, we knew where he hid them. I mean, you know what, he wasn't hiding them from us.
23:34 H. Foley? But you'd have to go up to him and say, "Hey, uh, Mr. So-and-so, can I grab a..."
23:37 Speaker 01 Let me get a heater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he would do it, uh, hey, he'd come over and, he'd sneak one, let me get one.
23:44 H. Foley? Here old dirtbag.
23:45 Speaker 01 Or he'd be like, "Let me get a pull on that."
23:47 H. Foley? Oh, from a dad?
23:49 Speaker 01 Get the fuck out of here. He's the man of the show.
23:52 H. Foley? You fucking Grape-Nuts breath?
23:53 Speaker 01 Also, I don't know if I told you, he was wearing, I don't know if I told you this, he was, I used to work at the Newtown Acme. I was a cart guy, and then worked my way up to a cashier and then photo.
24:02 H. Foley? That's funny, you never told us that.
24:04 Speaker 01 But he was there and he was wearing a Ant-Hoodies hoodie or something. My friend's dad was, and the cart guy walked up and was like, "I fucking love that show."
24:13 H. Foley? Huh.
24:13 Speaker 01 I was that guy at some point.
24:15 H. Foley? Wow.
24:16 Speaker 01 How crazy is that?
24:17 H. Foley? Look at you. I wonder if you, too bad that he didn't know that you worked as a cart guy, be like, "Yeah, you started out the same way." Now he's bald. Does well, though.
24:29 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
24:31 Speaker 01 You have active herpes or on your face, and you try to, you throw, like, I can't not throw that back in your face. I thought we were gonna have a gentleman show here, not take shots.
24:42 H. Foley? It's a cold sore dickhead.
24:43 Speaker 01 What do you think, yeah?
24:49 Speaker 01 I remember the one time you tried to tell me you got punched. I said, "What, by a herpes? What are you talking about?" You go 12, go 12 rounds?
24:56 H. Foley? When was this?
24:56 Speaker 01 Back in the day, I've been punched. Meanwhile, I spent like, fucking every waking hour with you, telling me you got punched.
25:03 H. Foley? I was running-
25:04 Speaker 01 In the three hours I didn't see you.
25:06 H. Foley? I was running my mouth at Mardi Gras. That sucked.
25:10 Speaker 01 Uh, you say something else. I tell you shit. Um, but yeah, good point, if you can smoke a heater, I'll tell this to...
25:20 Speaker 01 Don't start smoking.
25:21 H. Foley? No.
25:22 Speaker 01 But-
25:22 H. Foley? Smoking's over.
25:25 H. Foley? Kids aren't smoking now, they got the vapes and the, and all that stuff. Get off of that shit too, you kids.
25:29 Speaker 01 I'm just saying-
25:30 H. Foley? And stay in school.
25:31 Speaker 01 If you're a current smoker and you're a comedian, that is where a lot of
25:37 Speaker 01 career
25:39 Speaker 01 alliances, or, you know, relationships are made over heaters.
25:42 H. Foley? Sure.
25:42 Speaker 01 Cause especially if you're like, at every level, cause we've been to like festivals and like-
25:46 H. Foley? Get your heater?
25:46 Speaker 01 Bigger comics, or like, managers and agents who don't always smoke, and we, I mean, cause we were known as the heater guys. So we'd be somewhere, and you know, some big, we'd be like, drink, you're having some, "Oh, let me get one of them." Cause we were always just fucking-
25:59 H. Foley? Like broads.
26:00 Speaker 01 Posted up, cranking.
26:03 Speaker 01 Heater goes a long way.
26:04 H. Foley? Heater goes a long way. Heaters and gum, Luke.
26:06 Speaker 01 Heaters and gum.
26:07 H. Foley? That's what won the war. Cold war. Know what I'm saying?
26:11 Speaker 01 Brought down that wall, baby.
26:12 H. Foley? Brought down the wall.
26:13 Speaker 02 The cool war.
26:15 Speaker 01 The war of Philip Morris. Um, alright, this one's from Patty's Massage Therapist. $10 homie never had one read. You's got any ants with a walking boot on? Aw, dude. What a... There's something about the boot.
26:32 H. Foley? I got plenty in with knee braces.
26:33 Speaker 01 Ah, I think everybody's... I got a couple uncle, blue collar uncle who worked a very, you know, hard construction years who were a little, you know,
26:47 Speaker 01 rougher body, legs, knees, hips, that kinda stuff, but... Nobody in a boot, no one on the scooter, like the knee scooter. No one in a walker. None of that really. Everybody's kinda, eh, you know, duct taped together.
27:02 H. Foley? I'm like a walker. I could do a walker. With the tennis balls on the bottom.
27:07 Speaker 01 Sure. Cruisin'. We don't have a better technology than the tennis balls? That's crazy to me.
27:12 H. Foley? I think this is one of those things.
27:14 Speaker 01 I know, but... There's gotta be, like, you don't think the guy who makes the walker looks and goes,
27:20 Speaker 01 "Hey, everybody that buys my products cuts open a tennis ball and puts it on here? We gotta solve this somehow?"
27:25 H. Foley? I mean, they should just make their own. But I think it's the, I think it's the fabric on the tennis ball just works so well.
27:32 Speaker 01 I, yeah, I would argue that's probably not... You can re, you can, you can make that fabric, or buy that fabric.
27:40 H. Foley? Or maybe it has something to do with, like, they know, it might be a sensory thing where the, where the person walking can, it, it, it's, they're like reflectors, so they can see where it touches the ground.
27:52 Speaker 01 I understand. I'm not, obviously, there's a use for it. I'm saying, I think the walker company can go...
27:59 H. Foley? Make our own tennis balls.
28:00 Speaker 01 Something, or, what do you got?
28:02 Speaker 02 This seems like this company has moved to now, uh, walker skis.
28:06 H. Foley? Ooh.
28:07 Speaker 02 So that's the modern technology. It's a little ski that goes instead, instead of the tennis ball.
28:12 H. Foley? They're using skis?
28:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's just like, kind of like, a doorstop, it looks like.
28:17 H. Foley? Rad, dude.
28:18 Speaker 01 Ah, that makes sense.
28:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:19 Speaker 01 It's just a little more stable or something.
28:21 H. Foley? Ah, I got it.
28:22 Speaker 01 Um...
28:22 H. Foley? I would do a walker, though. I'm gonna walk. Better than, better than crutches.
28:27 Speaker 01 Crutch, I mean, you know, you're on crutches temporarily. If you're doing, if they're like, hey, crutches till you go. That's a, that's a tough diagnosis.
28:35 H. Foley? Yeah.
28:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, wheelchair at that.
28:36 H. Foley? Regular crutches or the ones that have the clips on here?
28:40 Speaker 01 I think those are, that's for more genetic disorders. That's more.
28:45 H. Foley? Fuck somebody up with them. Whip that around. Regular crutches suck.
28:52 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Uh, yeah. I've, although there was a, at my age, there was a big jump between, we probably talked, the wooden crutch and the metal crutch. If you had wooden crutches, you might as well been on the fucking civil war. The metal crutches, you'd come out looking like T2.
29:07 H. Foley? Wooden crutches, like a pony.
29:09 Speaker 01 Um.
29:10 Speaker 02 We always had a pair in the basement of wooden crutches.
29:12 Speaker 01 So did we. So did we.
29:13 H. Foley? Everybody did.
29:14 Speaker 01 That's how, that's how you first learn about a wing nut, a set of crutches.
29:19 H. Foley? Love a wing nut.
29:20 Speaker 01 You learn how to work a wing nut on a, on a wooden crutch.
29:23 H. Foley? You don't need a tool for the wing nut.
29:24 Speaker 01 I know.
29:25 H. Foley? Everything should be wing nuts. Well, you know how many tools we cut down on? Phillip said, out. Flatheads out.
29:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, big tool would never allow that.
29:32 H. Foley? Wing nut it. Wing nut. All wing nuts.
29:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, but they're not like sleek. They don't fit and shit.
29:40 H. Foley? Not very sturdy either.
29:41 Speaker 01 I know. Fucking too little fucking tweak, you know, a little bit of tension.
29:45 H. Foley? You know what's funny? In New York, they have those on the scaffolding. You can just like fucking undo those things. Some of them.
29:51 Speaker 01 Sure. You could also fucking knock down a building if you wanted to.
29:53 H. Foley? No.
29:54 Speaker 01 I gotta get the permits for that.
29:57 H. Foley? Need some candy.
29:58 Speaker 01 How about my app I said the other day?
30:00 H. Foley? Your app about, uh, Kevin had an app, um, for, to tell you where all the scaffoldings are in New York City so you can plan your walk in case it's raining.
30:13 Speaker 01 I'm, I'm picking up a vibe of it. You're not a fan.
30:16 H. Foley? Uh, I'm out.
30:17 Speaker 01 Okay.
30:17 H. Foley? I'll give you 15 grand for 75%.
30:23 Speaker 01 Okay.
30:24 H. Foley? I got it.
30:28 H. Foley? Hey, so what, you gotta...
30:29 Speaker 01 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? What?
30:31 H. Foley? It's a little flawed.
30:34 Speaker 01 I'm sorry. Been wearing that shirt for three days, and there's guacamole on it.
30:38 H. Foley? Yeah, but you can't tell where.
30:39 Speaker 01 Talk about flawed.
30:40 H. Foley? I forgot that in the beginning of the show, I was gonna say, if you can spot the guacamole stain, you'll win two free tickets to a show in your area.
30:50 Speaker 01 Patent pending.
30:52 H. Foley? You can't tell what a guacamole stain is on here. I'll give you a hint, it's in this quadrant.
30:58 H. Foley? It's in this quadrant here. You can't tell, Kevin, only Kevin knows.
31:02 Speaker 01 I do know, cuz I watched it and I spotted it.
31:04 H. Foley? Yes.
31:04 Speaker 01 You couldn't find it cuz it was in a fold. Also, I don't know...
31:08 H. Foley? No, no, it's because the...
31:09 Speaker 01 Luke hit him, Luke hit him, he's got a little bit of a semen stain right here.
31:13 H. Foley? No, I don't.
31:15 Speaker 01 Hit it and post.
31:17 H. Foley? Oh, it's cuz of mine.
31:19 Speaker 01 No, it was just a...
31:20 H. Foley? I don't, did I spit on my face?
31:22 Speaker 01 I said semen.
31:23 H. Foley? So I have semen on my face?
31:24 Speaker 01 You tell me, what were you doing at the gym? Uh, alright, let's see here, this one is from, "I Wasn't Fat Back Then," great name.
31:32 H. Foley? Love it.
31:33 Speaker 01 "Long time, never had one red." Um, is this garbage or slick? Putting two of those air fresheners that clip onto the AC vent in your car? Put them on the ceiling fan instead?
31:46 H. Foley? Hmm.
31:47 Speaker 01 You can't see it, and now you have that new apartment smell.
31:51 H. Foley? Hmm.
31:52 Speaker 01 Oh.
31:53 H. Foley? Not bad.
31:55 Speaker 01 There's, I think there's a staunch, I've never thought about this, I'm just putting, there's a staunch difference between a car smell and an apartment smell.
32:04 H. Foley? Okay.
32:05 Speaker 01 Right?
32:05 H. Foley? But I'll push back a little bit.
32:06 Speaker 01 I don't think, you know, Febreeze doesn't have a black ice.
32:10 H. Foley? No, no, he's not saying, he's not talking about hanging trees on there.
32:13 Speaker 01 I know, but that's a car smell.
32:15 H. Foley? Yeah.
32:18 H. Foley? I like it.
32:18 Speaker 01 I don't wanna walk in your house, it smells like a fucking Mitsubishi where a guy smokes, you know what I mean?
32:23 H. Foley? Detailing cars. But I like that.
32:26 Speaker 01 It smells like someone just hotboxed it with a fucking blunt.
32:29 H. Foley? Have you ever seen, have you ever seen one of those trees in somebody's house? I've seen them in the bathroom.
32:34 Speaker 01 I've seen them in closets.
32:35 H. Foley? Yeah.
32:36 Speaker 01 That was like, I mean, back in the day, you know, whatever, that was just like you threw it up. We used to have...
32:41 H. Foley? My mom was all mothballs.
32:43 Speaker 01 We were never a big mothballs.
32:44 H. Foley? Oh dude, she put them in our fucking coat closet. We'd walk out smelling like fucking mothballs. I don't know why she did them. I never seen a moth in my house in my life.
32:55 Speaker 01 Cause you don't have mothballs.
32:56 H. Foley? What are we, in the fucking dust ball?
32:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's weird.
32:58 H. Foley? Are moths still eating clothes like that?
33:00 Speaker 01 They were, they ate my stepdad's blazer.
33:06 Speaker 01 And he was down at a men's warehouse.
33:08 H. Foley? What?
33:09 Speaker 01 And he was like getting it tailored and there was holes in it. And the guy Taylor, you know, was more from the inner city and my stepdad was more of a hillbilly. And the guy was saying-
33:20 H. Foley? Man, you got moths!
33:21 Speaker 01 He goes, "Those are mothballs." And my stepdad's going, "What the hell is a mothball?" And my mom's trying to give him like, "It's a mothball." And he's going, "Yeah, that's a mothball." And my stepdad's going, "I don't know what a mothball, mothball." He thought it was one word. Um, yeah, so he had like a tweed blazer that he, you know-
33:41 H. Foley? Is that like Puerto Rican?
33:43 Speaker 01 That he would wear. Yeah, he's, but so we had them then. I don't know how.
33:48 H. Foley? Jesus.
33:49 Speaker 01 But that was when he was like dating my mom, like a single guy, so like, it was just like he probably had clothes left over from the 70s.
33:56 H. Foley? You know how bad a coat that smells like mothballs smells in a car with a bunch of teenagers? It's brutal. I might as well be wearing formaldehyde.
34:05 Speaker 01 You were wearing that shit in high school? No wonder you weren't getting any pussy.
34:11 H. Foley? My mom-
34:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, I was.
34:12 H. Foley? My mom put mothballs in the vacuum cleaner? Like in the-
34:16 Speaker 01 This broad's bonkers.
34:17 H. Foley? In the bag in the-
34:18 Speaker 01 Patty, what are you doing?
34:20 H. Foley? And she put them in the front closet.
34:21 Speaker 01 Two of my asshole twice a year. Yeah.
34:24 H. Foley? Yeah.
34:24 Speaker 01 We had, I think it was like, the 90s got real wonky for like plastic technology and like innovating shit that didn't need to get innovated.
34:32 H. Foley? Played plugins, dog.
34:34 Speaker 01 Not the plugins.
34:35 H. Foley? Game changer.
34:35 Speaker 01 This might have even been 80s then. I remember being in the hall closet where we kept the towels. It was a-
34:43 H. Foley? Upstairs hall closet.
34:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:45 H. Foley? Love that closet. My favorite closet in the house is the upstairs closet with the linens and the extra toothpaste and all that stuff. Favorite closet.
34:54 Speaker 01 Ooh, ours is extra toothpaste.
34:55 H. Foley? With the Q-tips and shit like that. Patty's is nice, because she gets a bunch of shit from the dentist's office when she goes. Because her friend's a hygienist.
35:02 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
35:03 H. Foley? Michelle, hygienist. She was my hygienist as a kid. Dime piece back in the day. Still a beautiful woman. But.
35:11 Speaker 01 Had a torrid love affair.
35:12 H. Foley? Love that closet. It smells like soap. That closet always smelled like soap.
35:15 Speaker 01 We didn't have that. All of ours was under the sink.
35:17 H. Foley? Broken home, sure.
35:20 Speaker 01 You hear that? You hear that?
35:25 H. Foley? Probably had your go-bags in there.
35:27 Speaker 01 You were trashing my wife on an episode.
35:29 H. Foley? What?
35:30 Speaker 01 Like autoplay on my computer.
35:32 H. Foley? No.
35:32 Speaker 01 You were saying some sexual stuff about her.
35:34 H. Foley? That's not true. I've never said anything about your wife like that.
35:37 Speaker 01 It was 100% true.
35:38 H. Foley? The foreign investor? We're best pals. I seen her the other day. She was trying on the clothes that I got. The kid... The clothes that I got for the baby.
35:47 Speaker 01 Whatever. I'm just saying, watch your tone. She hears from time to time.
35:50 H. Foley? What was I saying?
35:51 Speaker 01 Not nice things.
35:52 H. Foley? She seem interested?
35:53 Speaker 01 No, she did not. She is not a fan of you.
35:57 H. Foley? That's not true. She loves me. I'm Uncle Hank, goddammit. Kid likes me, too. Now, back to this hall closet of yours.
36:05 Speaker 01 She... Oh, yeah, whatever. Uh, stop talking about your dental hygien... I am trying to... This should have been 4 seconds, 20 minutes ago. Um, there was like a thing on the wall that... It was like a circle. A circle air freshener.
36:18 H. Foley? Stickums.
36:19 Speaker 01 Stickums. Was that the name of them? We had them, and it was like, whoa, but then we never replaced them.
36:25 H. Foley? No.
36:25 Speaker 01 That was the... We were the king of that shit.
36:27 H. Foley? They lasted forever.
36:28 Speaker 01 I know, but then we just had stickums on the wall without the recharge... Without the refill. That's like... To me, that's like the Brita filter. You get the Brita and then never refill it.
36:36 H. Foley? Yeah.
36:37 Speaker 01 Man, that was like... That was also too like Tidy Bowl, you know what I mean?
36:41 H. Foley? I like the stickums.
36:41 Speaker 01 That was too chemical.
36:42 H. Foley? Stickums were alright. Stick one of those next to the toilet. On the vanity next to the toilet.
36:48 Speaker 01 You know what was trashy that I don't think we ever talked about that we had once?
36:53 H. Foley? Roach motels?
36:55 Speaker 01 No, um...
36:56 H. Foley? Ant traps? Ant traps, like, were always gross.
36:59 Speaker 01 My mom always has ants now. Always. It was a sack of potatoes I didn't see. You know, she'll go down the shore for a week and, you know, forget it.
37:06 H. Foley? Can I be honest with you about something? I don't mind ants. Ants, as long as they ain't fire ants.
37:12 Speaker 01 They get you when you're sleeping. They move as a team.
37:15 H. Foley? They bite you. I remember the first time I was in Texas to see my cousins in Dallas, and they had fire ants.
37:21 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
37:22 H. Foley? And I was walking around outside in my bare feet, and a couple got me. My Uncle Jack was like, "Hey, ants!"
37:27 Speaker 01 Is that why you're all swollen?
37:29 H. Foley? Huh.
37:30 Speaker 01 Huh.
37:31 H. Foley? Huh.
37:31 Speaker 01 You're gonna be like that? Is that what we're gonna do? Let's put the guns down. Um...
37:35 H. Foley? My guns are down!
37:37 Speaker 01 We had the toilet paper holder that had an air freshener in the middle.
37:42 H. Foley? With the crystals inside.
37:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:44 H. Foley? Whoa! Talk about a flash from the past. I used to try to eat them all the time.
37:49 Speaker 01 You're a... What are you, an ant?
37:50 H. Foley? I don't know. There was just something that was...
37:53 Speaker 01 You're just crawling behind a line of ants, eating whatever they're eating, carrying stuff back to the nest?
37:57 H. Foley? I'm trying to get them out. They just looked real good. Yeah, they were lined.
38:01 Speaker 01 I don't remember. I just remember it being blue, and I remember being like, "This feels like I'm at a sitcom."
38:06 H. Foley? Oh, it was bad. You probably shouldn't have touched it.
38:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, no. It felt so chemicals.
38:10 H. Foley? Wow.
38:11 Speaker 01 We had it once.
38:13 H. Foley? That's great. I haven't thought about one of those.
38:15 Speaker 01 But then we used it for the next seven years.
38:17 H. Foley? Yeah.
38:18 Speaker 01 Like, emptied.
38:20 H. Foley? What do you mean emptied? They didn't evaporate, I don't think.
38:22 Speaker 01 No, whatever. I don't know what you're talking about. The one we had evaporated. It was like one of those, like, you know, like the gels that just kind of... The cones?
38:30 H. Foley? I'm talking about the cris... We had crystals.
38:31 Speaker 01 I don't know. Yeah, I don't know about that. But then we just used an empty air freshener as the toilet paper roll.
38:36 H. Foley? Crystals got very big in the 90s. Crystal this, crystal that.
38:40 Speaker 01 Scrubbing bubbles.
38:41 H. Foley? Scrubbing bubbles, sure.
38:43 Speaker 01 It was stuff on like a molecular level. That's when it... Whoa. It's, you know...
38:48 H. Foley? Deep clean.
38:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:49 H. Foley? Getting a shag.
38:51 Speaker 01 Um...
38:52 H. Foley? Good stuff. Gang, we got a brand-new merch alert, and we've kicked it up a notch, baby!
38:57 Speaker 01 Achi machi!
38:58 H. Foley? Kippy, show 'em!
38:59 Speaker 01 We got hats. Boom, hit 'em with the AYG hat!
39:01 H. Foley? Look at that AYG hat, quality!
39:03 Speaker 01 We got a classic Bernie's dad hat.
39:05 H. Foley? We got Comfort Colors tees.
39:07 Speaker 01 Upgraded to tees, heavyweight tees for heavy white boys. We got Uncle Henry's menswear. We got Kippy's racing t-shirts.
39:15 H. Foley? Kippy's racing tees.
39:16 Speaker 01 We got the Bass Pro Shop knockoff, "No Big Deal, How You Dancin'?"
39:21 H. Foley? We got the Palm Breakfast Spot.
39:23 Speaker 01 Woo!
39:24 H. Foley? Huh, look at that. Front send backs, gang!
39:26 Speaker 01 And then get it for St. Patty's Day, limited run, "Kiss Me, I'm Trash" shirt. Give it to a classy broad near you.
39:32 H. Foley? That's real as you!
39:33 Speaker 01 RUGarbers.com.
39:35 H. Foley? Kim, let's talk about Chime.
39:36 Speaker 01 Chime!
39:37 H. Foley? As you know, baby, life comes at you pretty quick.
39:40 Speaker 01 You ain't lying, big man.
39:41 H. Foley? Things start adding up.
39:42 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
39:43 H. Foley? You know what I'm saying? I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, if you're gonna do a little banking, make sure you save your money, make sure you do it right, watch out for bank fees, all that kinda stuff. I'll tell you what I really wish, I could go back and say, "Hey, I wish I had Chime."
39:56 Speaker 01 I know. Listen, if you're out there, this is where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. It's hard, listen, it's hard enough to keep a buck as it is, then you got these big corporate banks coming after ya.
40:09 H. Foley? Overdraft fees.
40:10 Speaker 01 Overdraft fee, uh, monthly statement, not it. Oh, five dollars for this, ten dollars for that, they got their hand in your pocket. Not with Chime. Chime offers the most rewarding fee-free banking, all with no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, no minimum balances. You get 5% cash back on the Chime card in a category of your choice, like gas or groceries, all while building credit through regular, everyday spending. And if you're ever in a pinch, SpotMe lets you overdraft up to $200 fee-free. Look at that, I know I need that, dog. Uh, right now, you can join the millions that are already banking fee-free with America's number one choice for banking. Head to chime.com/garbage, that's chime.com/garbage. Sign up now, it only takes a few minutes.
40:51 H. Foley? Do it.
40:52 Speaker 03 Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com/disclosures for details.
41:05 Speaker 04 When you shop Kroger delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. From delicious produce to everyday essentials, enjoy the convenience of delivery and the trusted selection you've come to know from Kroger. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Right now, enjoy free delivery on orders of $50 or more with your digital coupon. Restrictions apply, see site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone.
41:33 Speaker 01 But I would say, putting the car air fresheners in the house ain't classy. I respect the move, and maybe you figured that, you dialed it in, but as a whole, probably not classy. Um, alright, let's see, this one's from Clings, $10 homie never had one read, "Is it garbage to order dessert at a restaurant and order a glass of milk with it? It's never on the menu, but they got it back there."
41:55 H. Foley? Yeah, they do.
41:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, you do.
41:57 H. Foley? Um, problem with that.
41:58 Speaker 01 Hit me.
42:01 H. Foley? I've done it. I like the move. Nine times out of ten, you're getting whole milk. You're getting good. You're getting Cisco delivered, like, restaurant quality milk.
42:13 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
42:14 H. Foley? Only problem is, it depends what refrigerator it's in.
42:19 Speaker 01 It's not always super cold.
42:20 H. Foley? Yeah.
42:20 Speaker 01 Sometimes, like, lu- like, just, a just under room temp.
42:25 H. Foley? Giving you the fucking, the, the milk they're using to make cappuccinos.
42:28 Speaker 01 Cause they're not drinking it. Yeah, they're not drinking it. It's not like, they're not making a cold bowl of, whatever they're doing is getting heated.
42:34 H. Foley? Yes.
42:34 Speaker 01 So they don't care. Yeah, I, I, I thought you were gonna say it's always cold. And anytime I've experienced it, it's always been like, room temp. Stinks.
42:44 H. Foley? Place I worked at on the Upper East Side, shout out to Martell's. Uh, we had one of those silver-
42:49 Speaker 01 You worked at Martell's?
42:50 H. Foley? Yeah, we had one of those, ah, pretty good. We had one of those silver, uh,
42:55 H. Foley? milk, milk dispensers. It was like thirty-one degrees, freezing. You know, in the bag you load it in, like at a cafeteria.
43:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, I didn't push back on it at all.
43:04 H. Foley? Fantastic. I don't know why we had that, but it was fucking unbelievable. But, yeah, you catch that lukewarm shit at the restaurant.
43:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what I would say. And also too, like, I never want, if I'm at a restaurant where I'm ordering dinner, I'm having a, a cocktail or two, I don't want milk then.
43:23 H. Foley? No, I got you.
43:24 Speaker 01 I get it, you know, if I'm at the house, I'm doing cookies, I'm, yeah, I'm like, I'm never in a world where milk out is mixing with whatever I just did. That's what I'm gonna say. But I respect the move.
43:33 H. Foley? A nice espresso at the end of the meal, that's not sure. If you're on a date, you're getting milk, you got a bigger dick than me, I'll tell you that.
43:41 Speaker 01 Okay, everybody, eh, first of all, everyone does.
43:42 H. Foley? Confidence.
43:44 Speaker 01 Uh, alright, let's see, um, this one I've never thought about. I- it's a cardigan, thanks for noticing. Are you garbage if you didn't change the shower head when you bought your house?
43:57 H. Foley? You supposed to?
43:59 Speaker 01 I never, I've never thought of that. I just did because we had a leak and I had to redo the fucking bathroom, so we did new shower heads, but-
44:07 H. Foley? How's the pressure?
44:08 Speaker 01 It's great. I, we did the big joint. Now that stuff's more affordable than it was back in the day of like-
44:14 H. Foley? It's all plastic now. You use metal?
44:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:17 H. Foley? Hmm, good for you. You got soft water?
44:20 Speaker 01 I don't like, I got a problem with my water. I gotta figure it out. I gotta, I gotta call somebody on that.
44:25 H. Foley? You got a mortgage?
44:26 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
44:26 H. Foley? Pay cash? Renting? What you got?
44:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, I got dirty showerheads. Yeah, I never thought that, I mean-
44:32 H. Foley? I like that, though.
44:34 Speaker 01 I get it, it makes sense, but I've never, I moved into, all these apartments I've lived in have just had like a showerhead from the 1930s.
44:42 H. Foley? There's a lot of times that I've moved into a place where, "Oh yeah, we're gonna clean," and it just, you're kinda just using somebody else's stuff. And it just becomes yours.
44:51 Speaker 01 We used the shower curtain for, I used the shower curtain for too long, I will say.
44:57 H. Foley? From people before?
44:59 Speaker 01 From the house I bought.
45:00 H. Foley? What?
45:00 Speaker 01 Uh-huh. I will say, I, I will, hold on. Everybody relax. Everybody chill.
45:06 H. Foley? Using the guy's toothbrush.
45:09 H. Foley? Holy shit, man!
45:10 Speaker 01 Is your underwear? Um...
45:14 H. Foley? The shower curtain?
45:15 Speaker 01 Hold on, I'm not finished explaining myself.
45:18 H. Foley? That's how Covid started.
45:20 Speaker 01 That started at a wet market, everyone. Everyone knows that.
45:23 H. Foley? It's a Hampton Inn in Wuhan.
45:25 Speaker 01 Um, let's see, um-
45:27 H. Foley? What the fuck? I got stunned by that.
45:31 Speaker 01 Hold on, hold on, can I explain myself?
45:33 H. Foley? Yeah. Can you?
45:35 Speaker 01 There's a, there's a little bit of movement. I have a little bit of, I have a little bit of, I got a card I can play. Sure.
45:40 H. Foley? Because I have something that I wanna remind you of. That still sometimes like wakes me up in the middle of the night and I still can't believe that you did it.
45:46 Speaker 01 Shared your soup.
45:47 H. Foley? Yeah, you shared my soup. You took a bite of my soup.
45:50 Speaker 01 Can't take a bite of soup, you slurp a soup.
45:52 H. Foley? Even worse.
45:55 Speaker 01 I was fucked up!
45:56 H. Foley? That's like, that's like in The Glorious Bachelors, the guy going, "Draiglaza." Something, something, you gave yourself away there. Slurping my soup.
46:05 Speaker 01 I believe it's taza.
46:06 H. Foley? I was sick, too. I might add a cold-
46:09 Speaker 01 Nadine will still do that.
46:10 H. Foley? I might add a cold sore end, too.
46:12 Speaker 01 Cold sore end, too.
46:13 H. Foley? Juicy one.
46:13 Speaker 01 I was so fucked up, whatever was in me was-
46:15 H. Foley? You were fucked up.
46:16 Speaker 01 That was one of my favorite drunks.
46:19 H. Foley? Having my soup?
46:20 Speaker 01 No, just being at that bar. We were all huddled around that high top. We were ordering just good food. We were so drunk. We're so, we were like on the back end of 14 hours.
46:30 H. Foley? Hey man, you been to Ireland? You'll love that brown bread.
46:32 Speaker 01 Man, we were ju, and everything was good. Everybody's going, "Try that," we were just fucked up. Good old fashioned, no one's sick, no one claws in a scene, just warm, cozy, cigs going.
46:47 Speaker 01 Fuck!
46:47 H. Foley? Do you think about having my soup?
46:49 Speaker 01 Never.
46:50 H. Foley? Huh.
46:51 Speaker 01 I've done worse shit fucked up.
46:52 H. Foley? Ew. Bet you have.
46:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, everyone has.
46:57 H. Foley? His files are sealed.
46:58 Speaker 01 What was I saying? Oh, the shower, the shower, I, at some, early on, I replaced the liner.
47:06 H. Foley? Oh, that's a what?
47:07 Speaker 01 And just had the...
47:08 H. Foley? Oh, well, you say something.
47:10 Speaker 01 But that wasn't right away. That was like, I gotta change.
47:12 H. Foley? That's fine.
47:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:13 H. Foley? You could've kept that.
47:14 Speaker 01 I kept it way too long.
47:15 H. Foley? That's fine.
47:17 Speaker 01 Uh...
47:17 H. Foley? It's the liner.
47:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, I changed the liner.
47:19 H. Foley? Oh, come on. I apologize, sir.
47:21 Speaker 01 Thank you, thank you.
47:22 H. Foley? Are you kidding me?
47:22 Speaker 01 It did just feel not, like, the stain, their hand stains were...
47:25 H. Foley? Ah!
47:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, it was bad.
47:26 H. Foley? He's probably jerking off in there and shit.
47:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course, so was I.
47:30 H. Foley? Ew.
47:31 Speaker 01 Ew. Stop trying to kiss me.
47:36 H. Foley? What?
47:37 Speaker 01 (laughing) That's what I've been saying to him.
47:39 H. Foley? You guys fucking tasting my soup.
47:42 Speaker 01 You wish I tasted more.
47:43 H. Foley? You wanted me to, you wanted me to baby bird it to you? Fucking sick bastard.
47:48 Speaker 01 Snowball me?
47:51 H. Foley? Goddamn family restaurant.
47:54 Speaker 01 Also, there was a band, like, an Irish singer-songwriter going, Foley was jealous, there's a whole thing.
47:59 H. Foley? I wasn't jealous.
48:00 Speaker 01 You know, I'm, "Get up there and rock!"
48:02 H. Foley? Nah, I don't do that Gaelic shit. I love it, but I don't do it. Wolf tones and all that, these guys rock. Pogues.
48:10 Speaker 01 Let's go get fucked up.
48:12 H. Foley? Nah, I don't do that shit no more.
48:13 Speaker 01 Tomorrow night.
48:14 H. Foley? Let's do it.
48:14 Speaker 01 Tomorrow night, we'll go to, yeah, tomorrow night, we'll go to Shad.
48:17 H. Foley? Hmm.
48:18 Speaker 01 We're done kinda early.
48:19 H. Foley? Yeah. Not me.
48:22 Speaker 01 I got the baby sleeping through tonight.
48:24 H. Foley? I'll probably go to...
48:25 Speaker 01 Me, you, and the right guy.
48:26 H. Foley? I'll go up to the gym.
48:28 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
48:28 H. Foley? After the show.
48:29 Speaker 01 Is that a new bar on the Upper East Side? Jim's Place. We don't ask no questions.
48:36 Speaker 01 Knock three times, um...
48:38 H. Foley? Grab a private booth at Jim's.
48:40 Speaker 01 Uh, this is a good one. This is from the Lazy Gardener. Uh, "Short-time listener, hardcore binge watcher. Is it garbage to say, 'How much is this gonna set me back or how much is this gonna run me?'" That's a guy who barely has it. That's not, that's great. I've never identified that as an indicator of the amount of money you have.
48:59 H. Foley? Dude, three things. One, the Lazy Gardener is a fucking home run. Home run. Give them their own show on fucking the Food Network or something. That's great.
49:11 H. Foley? Two. Man.
49:13 Speaker 01 What's this gonna cost me?
49:14 H. Foley? What's this gonna run me?
49:15 Speaker 01 Set me back.
49:16 H. Foley? Set me back.
49:16 Speaker 01 Set me back means you're just about to get your head above water and someone comes along and steps on, steps on your head. What's this gonna set me back?
49:25 H. Foley? Fuck, one of these dickheads needs braces. What's this gonna set me back?
49:29 Speaker 01 And then also, whenever you say that's, then when you're for sure complaining about whatever situation is, to your friends, loved ones, whoever, coworkers, you're going, "This set me back," whatever the number is, you're fluffing it. If it's 28 hunch, "This set me back three grand."
49:46 H. Foley? Yeah.
49:47 Speaker 01 By the end of the week, "This set me back 3,500."
49:49 H. Foley? I hit-
49:50 Speaker 01 "I'm out four grand."
49:51 H. Foley? I hit look with that every once in a while. What's this gonna cost me?
49:53 Speaker 01 Not once in a while, anytime we have to mention a dollar. What's this gonna-
50:00 H. Foley? He's like, "Fucking Alicia Silverstone."
50:02 Speaker 01 Who?
50:03 H. Foley? Alicia Silverstone. Alicia Silverstone.
50:06 Speaker 01 I had a thing for her, but not really. I missed her. I was a little too young.
50:10 H. Foley? Poof. Poof.
50:13 Speaker 01 I get it.
50:14 H. Foley? Poof. Talk about setting me back, ain't done.
50:17 Speaker 01 Talk about turning me on.
50:19 Speaker 02 I'd love to know what you think I buy.
50:21 H. Foley? You buy all kinds of shit.
50:23 Speaker 02 For the business.
50:24 H. Foley? Yeah, well, you're not buying baseball cards. You could. You can get whatever you want. I don't give a shit. I don't even know.
50:30 Speaker 02 I know.
50:30 Speaker 01 I know, then, on top of caring.
50:32 Speaker 02 I know.
50:32 Speaker 01 That's what I say.
50:33 H. Foley? "What? Hey, my wood, uh, uh."
50:36 Speaker 01 It's like, yeah, we gotta run a business.
50:37 H. Foley? You gotta keep an eye on-
50:37 Speaker 01 We're running a business in New York City. We're not, we're not selling fucking, you know, cattle feed in, in Oklahoma. We got fucking bills to pay.
50:46 H. Foley? We could, but you blew that deal.
50:47 Speaker 01 Paying Manhattan fucking rent. We got fucking nine guys on sale. It's, this is a full-blown production. You're like, "We need a tripod? What is this gonna cost us?" Sure, did we need the van? Probably not.
51:01 H. Foley? But that set us back.
51:04 H. Foley? What's that gonna cost me?
51:05 Speaker 01 Shout out to Beans.
51:06 H. Foley? Home run of a question, man.
51:08 Speaker 01 Great question. Great indicator.
51:11 Speaker 01 Also too, I was thinking, one of the trashiest ways to talk about money is bones. About 50 bones or 20 bones.
51:19 H. Foley? Clams.
51:20 Speaker 01 That's like funner though, but yeah.
51:24 Speaker 01 Alright, let's see here. Uh, this one's from Kirk. $10 man here. Is it garbagey mainly off tin foil? So you don't have to clean a plate. It's also more versatile because you can form a bowl or a saucer if you have some food that has more liquidity.
51:39 H. Foley? I don't hate it. It's bad for you, but I don't hate it. I'm usually, uh...
51:44 Speaker 01 What's the tin foil bad for you?
51:45 H. Foley? Yeah, they say it's bad for you. It soaks up something. I don't know. What the fuck? All that, all that kitchen shit. They, since the 50s, it's been bad for us.
51:54 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, whatever. I don't...
51:55 H. Foley? Yeah, it gives a fuck. The fuck? Hey, stop telling us that shit. Just shut up. We all got Teflon in us.
52:03 Speaker 01 The Teflon done.
52:05 H. Foley? Tin foil. You're supposed to use wax paper. What fucking wax paper? What am I, a fucking cheesemaker in fucking France use wax paper? Get the fuck out of here. Wax paper sucks. There's no cling to it. I ain't cling. You know what I'm saying?
52:19 Speaker 01 Or a parchment guy.
52:21 H. Foley? Parchment paper? What's that? Is that like construction paper?
52:24 Speaker 01 Look at me like I fucking killed you to kick your dog in the head.
52:27 H. Foley? What's parchment paper? I think parchment paper is wax paper.
52:30 Speaker 01 Nah, parchment paper is less, it's like the, it dries out when you keep it in the oven and you'll burn it sometimes.
52:36 H. Foley? Remember tracing paper in school? Oh, that shit was cool.
52:39 Speaker 01 You know what I did the other day?
52:40 H. Foley? What'd you do?
52:42 Speaker 01 Uh, tracing paper. That didn't hide any mistakes though. That was real. You couldn't erase on that stuff. You had to start over. Bad. Um, I used my broiler. I made a shepherd's pie a couple of weeks back.
52:59 H. Foley? Good.
52:59 Speaker 01 And I finished it in the broiler. That don't, I had to lay on the ground to get in there and get eyes on that thing. That does not, I've never used it. That did not seem, I got my head under the stove on the ground. Look, it goes right to the floor too. There's open flames and then three inches and then there's linoleum.
53:15 H. Foley? It's crazy.
53:16 Speaker 01 It's wild.
53:16 H. Foley? Yeah. That's all mouse shit down there too.
53:19 Speaker 01 Oh, buddy.
53:20 H. Foley? Those ain't sprinkles, homie.
53:21 Speaker 01 Talk about fire ants. Yikes.
53:24 H. Foley? You know what I just found out they eat in Sweden or Norway? They do sprinkle sandwiches.
53:27 Speaker 01 What are you doing, researching on Norway?
53:29 H. Foley? I saw it on Instagram. What do you think? I gotta fucking research?
53:32 Speaker 01 I don't know, you mentioned Norway.
53:33 H. Foley? Think I gotta think tank? Huh?
53:35 Speaker 01 Think you gotta spank bank.
53:39 H. Foley? They do sprinkle, one of those countries, Switzerland, Sweden, whatever.
53:43 Speaker 01 That's gonna be a great story. Someplace, someplace I ain't never been, on an Instagram where I saw six weeks ago. Eight something goofy. And I might wanna try some.
53:52 H. Foley? No, not goofy. They make sprinkle sandwiches. They take chocolate sprinkles and butter.
53:57 Speaker 01 That's the fattest thing I've ever, they made sprinkle sandwiches.
53:59 H. Foley? Chocolate sprinkles and butter on white bread.
54:01 Speaker 02 Netherlands.
54:02 H. Foley? Ah, the Netherlands, yes, of course.
54:05 Speaker 01 Also known as?
54:07 H. Foley? Denmark.
54:08 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
54:09 H. Foley? No.
54:09 Speaker 01 Something's rotten in the state of.
54:10 H. Foley? Belgium.
54:11 Speaker 01 No.
54:12 H. Foley? Uh.
54:13 Speaker 01 Schmamster.
54:13 H. Foley? No, god damn it. No, Amsterdam's a city.
54:17 Speaker 01 No.
54:18 H. Foley? Yes, it is.
54:19 Speaker 01 Amsterdam, yes, Amsterdam's a city in the Netherlands. Also, the Dutch is the other name. The Dutch are the Netherlands.
54:24 H. Foley? Dutchland.
54:26 Speaker 01 No, Deutschland would be Germany. Eins, zwei, drei. And they do this to clap.
54:34 Speaker 01 Real wild vibes at the dinner party.
54:38 Speaker 02 Gotta be in a beer hole.
54:40 H. Foley? Knocking on doors? Yikes. You boys left that behind.
54:46 H. Foley? Continue.
54:47 Speaker 01 You act like I have my own agenda here. I hate when you do that. Oh yeah, get back to whatever you were doing.
54:52 H. Foley? Thanks for having me, Kevin.
54:53 Speaker 01 Driving the show. Uh, alright, let's see, this was from Foley's bastard son. Oh no, ten, ten bone homie.
55:01 H. Foley? I wish I had a son out there.
55:04 Speaker 01 Hey, you abandoned him. What do you mean? I wish I had a guy, I wish I had a son that I fucking.
55:07 H. Foley? I wouldn't have known about him, obviously. But if I did and he showed up, my boy.
55:15 H. Foley? He's four years old, isn't he? Like Tracy Jordan. So good. That really was his son. Or he turned out to be a good guy.
55:23 Speaker 01 What?
55:23 H. Foley? Thirty Rock. He wasn't his son.
55:25 Speaker 01 They both knew.
55:26 H. Foley? Yeah, they both knew.
55:27 Speaker 01 Tracy knew, he's like, yeah.
55:28 H. Foley? And he was actually a good guy. He wasn't ripping him off. He was, but he wasn't.
55:34 H. Foley? I like that guy.
55:34 Speaker 01 More than eleven. He was, he wasn't. Somewhere in Europe, they eat fat guy sandwiches.
55:39 H. Foley? I'm right about the sprinkle sandwiches, though, right?
55:42 Speaker 02 On point. And not with the location.
55:44 Speaker 01 No one doubted you. Listen, if you're telling me they eat sprinkle sandwiches, I believe you've seen this either in a, in an ayahuasca trip or on Instagram.
55:55 H. Foley? Can I tell you something?
55:56 Speaker 01 What?
55:56 H. Foley? I ordered that chicken.
55:57 Speaker 01 No, you didn't.
55:58 H. Foley? Yeah, I did.
55:59 Speaker 01 You did?
55:59 H. Foley? Yeah.
56:00 Speaker 02 No way.
56:00 H. Foley? No. Netherlands.
56:04 Speaker 01 What?
56:04 H. Foley? Huh?
56:05 Speaker 02 I thought you were dipping your toes in the water, seeing what you could get away with.
56:12 H. Foley? It's the second time chicken strips have come back to fucking bite me in the ass, though. Remember on Patreon, it was a, it was a conspiracy that I had two orders of chicken fingers at a, uh, uh, Eagles, uh, NFC Championship game.
56:27 H. Foley? Maybe someone's out there fucking with me.
56:30 Speaker 02 Maybe you just like chicken.
56:31 H. Foley? No.
56:32 Speaker 02 No.
56:33 H. Foley? No, I mean, I, well, I do declare.
56:36 Speaker 02 I like a strip much as much as an ex-feller.
56:38 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Um, alright, this one's from Foley Bastard, $10 bone, homie. Uh, never had one read. Is it garbage when you step off your front step? It's directly into grass. No path or walkway, straight yard. That's wild. That's wild.
56:52 H. Foley? That's hometown living, bitch.
56:55 Speaker 01 That's.
56:55 H. Foley? Woo wee!
56:56 Speaker 01 That's, you need a little bit of curb appeal if that's the case. You gotta fucking, you gotta get your shit together and get on Zillow.
57:02 H. Foley? You got a lot of onions in that yard.
57:04 Speaker 01 Oh, a lot of dog shit probably too.
57:08 H. Foley? Hey, I can see the fucking dandelions in that lawn.
57:10 Speaker 01 Um, wow, that's a great, great question. For a long time, uh, like in my hometown, I, they developed a lot of land, like I guess through the 90s, Toll Brothers did.
57:21 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
57:22 Speaker 01 And they always put the basic two-by-four wooden steps out the, the side entrance or the garage. So like, that was a lot. That, you would see that a lot.
57:33 H. Foley? Yeah.
57:34 Speaker 01 Hey, and I think it was like a lot of times just to get in for the construction workers, they get in and out.
57:40 H. Foley? Back around the side, I'm cool.
57:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, for sure. But, and also sometimes you would see, a lot of those houses were like built on hills that had like walkout backyards.
57:48 H. Foley? I never got that.
57:50 Speaker 01 I think it was the basements or something. I don't know.
57:53 H. Foley? They're like, they would like put dirt up, there's a lot of houses like that in Blue Bell. They put dirt up against the backyard.
57:59 Speaker 01 What do you mean?
58:00 H. Foley? I don't know, like hold the foundation or something like that.
58:02 Speaker 01 I don't, I don't, I don't know nothing about nothing. But a lot of, a lot of these houses, you could walk out the basement. You would see in these like new Toll Brother, which like dude, now they make, fuck, they, they, they're doing everything Toll Brothers. Crazy how many units they're moving. But...
58:19 Speaker 01 People would get, so now like their first floor, their kitchen floor, their living room floor, was like, higher. You know what I mean?
58:27 H. Foley? Yeah.
58:28 Speaker 01 Like you could walk out the basement, so the first, like you walked in the back-
58:32 H. Foley? It was higher in the front.
58:33 Speaker 01 Higher in the, yes.
58:34 H. Foley? Yes.
58:35 Speaker 01 So they would have-
58:36 H. Foley? Lower in the front.
58:37 Speaker 01 Lower, whatever, yes.
58:38 H. Foley? This is the front and this is the back.
58:40 Speaker 01 Uh huh, where the sprinkles at? People would spring for, yeah, I want the sliding doors out to my patio, that would be elevated, you know what I mean? But they wouldn't put the deck in. So people for like,
58:55 Speaker 01 time, like, they would move in and not spring for the deck or have other people do the deck, but for a long period of time, they would just have the sliding door to a fucking 15 foot drop off.
59:06 H. Foley? No, that's not what I'm talking about.
59:07 Speaker 01 That's what I'm talking about, baby. Yeah.
59:10 H. Foley? What the, what is fucking Dr. Evil? That's nuts!
59:13 Speaker 01 We would drive by these houses and people would be, you see the lights on there and they're eating, I go, "That's a fucking, you know, fucks someone up." You have a, you know, you have someone comes over for a dinner party, has a couple glasses of wine, you got a fucking lawsuit on your hands.
59:25 H. Foley? Stepping outside to rip a cool.
59:27 Speaker 01 Uh huh, yeah. Fucking, get kills on my heater. They're fucking breaking their pelvis.
59:32 H. Foley? Oh man, dude.
59:34 Speaker 01 Face plant. No shit. I was like, there was a lot, cause I remember me and my dad, we'd be in the car, be like, there was enough where we would point them out. And I guess it was like, Toll Brothers would be like, "Hey, we could do it for, I don't know, 18 grand." And people are like, "Get the fuck out of here, my cousin can build a deck and then-"
59:51 H. Foley? Seven years later.
59:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:53 H. Foley? That's pretty sweet, though.
59:55 Speaker 01 A little fun, if you were like a teenager or something, that'd be fun.
59:58 H. Foley? You got a rope or something?
59:59 Speaker 01 Yeah. Hang yourself.
1:00:01 H. Foley? Get a slide. But it'd be cool just to have that door open while you're eating dinner. The fresh air coming in, rice a roni cooking. Maybe some of those nor's, some noodles, some vermicelli noodles.
1:00:14 Speaker 01 Vermicelli?
1:00:15 H. Foley? Vermicelli. Maybe a little hamburger helper.
1:00:17 Speaker 01 I went to school with Stevie Vermicelli.
1:00:20 H. Foley? Some Crystal Light iced tea on the table.
1:00:23 Speaker 01 Back when everything was good, huh?
1:00:25 H. Foley? Yeah, nothing but screen doors and time, the suburban fantasy.
1:00:29 Speaker 01 Did you ever wonder if it maybe wasn't good, you just view it as good?
1:00:32 H. Foley? Oh, yeah.
1:00:32 Speaker 01 Okay, just, we don't have to go down that road, I was just curious.
1:00:35 H. Foley? Yeah, for sure.
1:00:35 Speaker 01 I mean, I know, I have like broad strokes of it all, and it sounds like you got a couple of rose colored Elton John glasses on, looking through that lens, you know what I mean, dog?
1:00:45 H. Foley? F- f- fatty in the jets.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 Uh...
1:00:49 H. Foley? Maybe, Kevin, maybe.
1:00:50 Speaker 01 That's all I'm saying, dog.
1:00:51 H. Foley? Little corner of time.
1:00:53 Speaker 01 You do you. Um, alright, let's see here. Uh, this was from Ben, thirteen dollar, eighty, Canadian bozo, never had one read. Uh, "The old man used to be an independent contractor, he worked in legal services, on every invoice he would charge mileage, but he only worked from his home office." Now we're talking.
1:01:14 H. Foley? Hey, man.
1:01:15 Speaker 01 Get while the getting's good.
1:01:17 H. Foley? It's not even that, that's a part of the gig.
1:01:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:20 H. Foley? You know?
1:01:21 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Also, when I, my... I worked at a couple of law firms as like a paralegal bozo.
1:01:28 H. Foley? Trying to do everything.
1:01:30 Speaker 01 I, that's when I learned how they run up hours, and for a guy like me who never dealt... Like, nobody in my family ever dealt with a lawyer, unless you got a DUI, and you call up, you know, fucking... Shout out to Joe Kelly, the pit bull, you know what I mean? I think that was his name. See, if you use Joe Kelly, the pit bull, he's got everybody out of DUIs.
1:01:51 H. Foley? Was it your fault?
1:01:53 Speaker 01 I think that was his name, they would advertise like at urinals, you know, fucking big heads, bar and grill and shit.
1:02:00 H. Foley? Trying to get you with an over served.
1:02:01 Speaker 02 Joseph K. Kelly, a Philadelphia-based attorney, who is described as a pit bull in the courtroom.
1:02:06 Speaker 01 There you go.
1:02:06 H. Foley? Like that, the pit bull.
1:02:07 Speaker 01 I first, my brother's been like, "That guy's a pit bull," like, for sure, you know?
1:02:12 Speaker 02 For his aggressive defense in DUI and vehicular defense cases.
1:02:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:16 H. Foley? I like a good Philly lawyer.
1:02:18 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:02:18 H. Foley? They're great.
1:02:19 Speaker 01 Uh, but that's all, those are the only lawyers I knew, so then I started working for this high-end... And they, that's when I saw the racket. I, I, I got fucked, I, I, you know, it was like I blinked and then blinked again. I saw how everybody's getting ripped off. Phone call, three minute phone call?
1:02:35 H. Foley? That's an hour.
1:02:36 Speaker 01 Fifteen minutes.
1:02:37 H. Foley? Of course, fifteen minute interval, intervals.
1:02:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:40 H. Foley? What the fuck, man? How you gonna charge somebody three minutes?
1:02:42 Speaker 01 One guy, dude, one guy for like the, you know, the month turned in like thirteen thousand hours. I go, buddy, there ain't even thirteen thousand hours in a year. Fuck you doing?
1:02:51 H. Foley? Who you been talking to?
1:02:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, what the fuck? Talking about burning the candle at both ends, but that's when I saw, and then like they were billing people for my time and stuff.
1:02:58 H. Foley? Of course.
1:03:00 Speaker 01 Like, I ain't seen, I ain't wet my beak on that.
1:03:02 H. Foley? Of course you're not.
1:03:03 Speaker 01 What the fuck?
1:03:04 H. Foley? You're fucking spoke on the wheel. You're a mutt.
1:03:06 Speaker 01 I know.
1:03:07 H. Foley? Smoking heaters outside, drinking orange juice out of the snack, snack room.
1:03:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:12 H. Foley? God knows what you were having for lunch.
1:03:13 Speaker 01 I was drinking so much coffee and orange juice, like throughout the day, my teeth felt really weird. Did you ever get, you ever do so much of something, you start feeling unhealthy in an odd way? And you go, this ain't great. I felt like, I felt like I had horse teeth. Like, I felt like there was big gaps in between them, if that makes sense.
1:03:30 H. Foley? Yeah, I remember.
1:03:31 Speaker 01 Lost with a shoelace.
1:03:32 H. Foley? I ate a whole box of them Outshine bars one time. My teeth hurt for like four days, dude. Felt like glass.
1:03:39 Speaker 01 It's a lot of like fucking, you know, vitamin B or something you don't know. You're one of those level spikes. And you feel in a weird way.
1:03:45 H. Foley? All that Guar gum in you.
1:03:49 Speaker 01 Alright, let's see here. Uh, this one's from Noah Jackson. This one kinda blew my hair back. Is it garbage to go to Subway for a bacon, egg, and cheese? I gotta be, I'm not a Subway guy. You guys have items that you like at Subway more than I do. I get that. It's never been my cup of tea. They did do a chicken parm for a while. I would go and get that. Or a meatball, too dense. My thing is, I didn't even know they were doing a bacon, egg, and cheese. Is it like a Starbucks bacon, egg, and cheese with like the...
1:04:21 Speaker 02 It's more of a wrap, it looks like, or you can do it on their traditional hoagie rolls.
1:04:26 Speaker 01 Paulie's had one in the last thirty days, if I had to guess. It's gotta be, I'm assuming it's more pre-made.
1:04:33 Speaker 01 Please, the floor is yours.
1:04:36 H. Foley? Uh, gentlemen, um, until you mention the meatball hero at Subway, I was gonna say, I've never had a cooked lunch, a hot lunch at Subway. I never believed in the toasting the sandwich. We've gotten into this argument with the Quiznos, your big Quiznos guy.
1:05:00 Speaker 01 For a couple of months.
1:05:02 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:05:02 Speaker 01 They call me a big Quiznos guy. I dabbled with the carbonara.
1:05:05 H. Foley? You had merch, but.
1:05:06 Speaker 01 Mushrooms.
1:05:07 H. Foley? Um. Keep you don't like mushrooms?
1:05:09 Speaker 01 Uh-uh. Tell them I'm allergic. I don't even know if you can be allergic to mushrooms, but that's what they get. I got a severe mushy allergy. I also don't like uncooked tomatoes. They're icky. Now, you were saying?
1:05:21 H. Foley? Keep you don't like the ickies. Man, mushrooms, cooked mushrooms to a kid. Might as well have been trout eyeballs. Those things fucking.
1:05:31 Speaker 01 Sly? How did it get slynier?
1:05:33 H. Foley? My dad used to hit us with a bowl of button mushrooms for, for dinner on a Sunday. Like, you know, as a side dish. Get the, what are you eating? Fuck, you eating slugs, dude?
1:05:42 Speaker 01 It's wild. They like sweat.
1:05:45 H. Foley? I love them now, but man, a fucking bowl of mushrooms?
1:05:48 Speaker 01 Look like they're in Vaseline or something. I don't, I don't F with it.
1:05:53 H. Foley? You fucking take these out of the dog's ass?
1:05:55 Speaker 01 One time I threw them on a burr. I go, ooh, it's like night crawlers on there.
1:06:03 Speaker 01 Hey buddy, I wouldn't mind without bait, okay?
1:06:06 H. Foley? Hey, the first time I had a, had a, poured a sliced portobello mushroom, it was like I was eating a caterpillar, man.
1:06:13 Speaker 01 Fighting back, trying to get out of your mouth?
1:06:15 H. Foley? Get out of you.
1:06:16 Speaker 01 Oh, I think I've seen this. It's like the, the long, the square flatbread folded over on itself.
1:06:23 H. Foley? Yes, I don't think I've, I've, I, but I, I, sometimes I get the meatball hero confused with the one at Wawa. But I feel like I've talked about the Subway meatball hero. So that would be the only hot thing I ever had. I've never had anything else hot at a, at a, at a Subway.
1:06:38 Speaker 01 But this is.
1:06:39 H. Foley? I don't do it.
1:06:39 Speaker 01 This is the best version of it. This is what they're putting forward.
1:06:43 H. Foley? Let's take a look. I don't hate that.
1:06:47 Speaker 01 I gotta be-
1:06:48 H. Foley? That's a nice looking flatbread.
1:06:49 Speaker 01 That's not what you're getting though.
1:06:50 H. Foley? No.
1:06:50 Speaker 01 I would argue it's probably in the realm of the Dunkin' Donuts breakfast. It has like the already kinda cooked chicken, the cooked egg that they throw in the heater and get it out of there.
1:07:01 H. Foley? Well, well, well, now hold on a second there.
1:07:03 Speaker 01 That stinks.
1:07:04 H. Foley? No, no, if you get the maple bacon croissant at Dunky's, it's delicious.
1:07:09 Speaker 01 Okay, one good thing, they are a breakfast restaurant, fast food restaurant. They have one good thing.
1:07:14 H. Foley? I don't mind their little, their little bangers, uh, the little, they do little bacon, egg and cheese wraps that are pretty good. I don't know what they're called.
1:07:20 Speaker 01 They're fine.
1:07:21 H. Foley? They're called like, uh-
1:07:22 Speaker 01 They're not, I, get outta here.
1:07:23 H. Foley? Half Skillet's or something? They have some Junior wraps or-
1:07:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:27 H. Foley? Quick ones?
1:07:28 Speaker 01 You gotta eat forty-eight of them.
1:07:29 H. Foley? I don't know.
1:07:30 Speaker 02 Oh, the wake up wrap?
1:07:32 Speaker 01 Wake up, yeah, the fucking wake up.
1:07:34 H. Foley? The wake up? I'm gonna fucking asleep ten minutes after I eat one of those.
1:07:36 Speaker 01 Not enough to get me outta bed wrap, that's what they should be called. Alright, we gotta wrap it up. We gotta wrap, we gotta, we gotta, right, wake up and wrap it up.
1:07:43 H. Foley? Gang, you hang in there, we love you to death and we'll see you next week. Hoo!
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