Dear Life Kit: Should I put my life on hold for my partner?

In this edition of Dear Life Kit, more wisdom from our vast archives to help you figure out: -Whether you can refuse a gift -If you should move in with your partner if they're not ready -How to feel like an actual "graduated" grown-up Send us your own Dear Life Kit questions at npr.org/dearlifekit http://npr.org/dearlifekit Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include sponsor-free listening and convenient playlists of popular help topics like personal finance, getting healthy, and more. Learn more at plus.npr.org http://plus.npr.org/. See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:24Speaker 01

  She's going to be too tired to commute back that 30 minutes. She's going to be going to restaurants, living her life. You think she's going to be thinking about her boyfriend back there, back in the suburbs? I don't think so. That relationship is over. Malika.

• 0:36Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, my god, Malika. We're extrapolating so much now.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  You know what? Do whatever you want. This is an advice show.

• 0:43Marielle Segarra?

  Do whatever you want. That is always the caveat. We want an asterisk here. Hey, it's Marielle Segarra. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, where we answer your questions with help from the collective wisdom in our Life Kit archives. As always, reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hey, Andy.

• 1:00Speaker 03

  Hey.

• 1:01Marielle Segarra?

  And we also have our digital editor, Malika Grieve, here.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 1:05Marielle Segarra?

  All right, Andy, you're going to read some questions for us. Let's hear the first one.

• 1:08Speaker 03

  All right, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, how do I kindly refuse a gift? Our next door neighbor is older and has some mobility issues, so my partner and I help where we can. We shovel her sidewalk, dig out her car when it snows, bring out her trash, and look out for her packages when we know she's away. These are things I would do for literally anyone and that I hope someone will do for me when I get older. Yesterday, she gave us a thank you card with a $50 gift card. I'm touched by the gesture and love the card, but I don't feel comfortable taking the money. For one, we don't need it. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, we didn't do it for payment. We just want to be good neighbors, and accepting cash for basic kindness doesn't fit into that ethos.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  But is it rude to give it back? How do I demonstrate that I'm honored by her generosity while making it clear that we want nothing in return? Thanks in advance, aspiring Fred Rogers.

• 2:04Marielle Segarra?

  You cannot give it back.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  You can absolutely not give it back. That's the correct response.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  OK, strong feelings.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Thanks for this question, Andy. I'm happy to take this one because I actually have a neighbor, Mr. Norman. He's like in his 80s. We bring them leftovers and we watch out for them, check in on them. Mrs. Shirley over there, I also check in on her. They do small things for us in return, right? Mr. Norman comes by and he gives me plants. His son came by and gave us peach ice cream. So we look out for each other, and I try to give him small activities to do so that he feels like he's, there's an equal relationship there, based on what I know he can do, right? So I guess the first thing that I want to say is that one of our previous guests, Maya Lau, actually talked about this in a Dear Life Kit from 2023.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  She's the host of Other People's Pockets, a finance podcast, and she was answering a question from a listener who said her partner's parents were way too generous with their money, and it made her feel uncomfortable. And Lau's response was this: Don't always assume that other people's attitudes toward money are the same as your own. So essentially, like, your neighbor is giving you 50 bucks. This might mean a lot to her. It might mean something different to her than it does to you, right? To you, you don't need this money, but to her, it might be like, this is like all I have.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  Really big gesture.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  Right?

• 3:19Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. And it's like, if you return it, then it's almost like you're saying that it's insignificant. I don't need this, you know? And I know that's not the intention, but that's how it could be received, especially if it's like, if she feels like this is the only way I can pay you back.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  I just love that this is a question that was submitted. Like, I think this is just such a lovely problem to have.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  I think you definitely should not give the money back. And I think it's OK to let your neighbor know how you feel.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. What would you say?

• 3:49Speaker 03

  My two cents is, you know, like, thank you so much for this kind gesture. You know, we don't want to take your money, but if you feel, why don't we start like a neighborhood friendship fund? Like, why don't we use this to build a free little library or something? You know, like, why don't we use this to invest in like more flowers for the neighborhood or something?

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Wait, wait, wait. Would that make your neighbor feel bad, though? It's like, well, then he didn't even need or want my money? Like...

• 4:13Speaker 03

  No, I like, I feel, we feel uncomfortable taking your money, but like, I would love to use this to invest in our friendship, maybe. Can we take you out to dinner, maybe? Or so, I don't know.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  I don't know. I don't know about that, Andy. I feel like that's like a little too like...

• 4:26Speaker 03

  It's not gratitude?

• 4:27Marielle Segarra?

  We don't want your money.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  It's kind of like putting the compliment back on you, kind of like...

• 4:31Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  I wonder whether another way to say it is like, thank you so much for the money. Like, what a thoughtful gesture. And then like, leave it at that. And then maybe just say like, you know, honestly, like, we don't really expect, you know, anything from you. We just like, love your presence and like reassure them that there's no need to reciprocate.

• 4:46Marielle Segarra?

  There's no debt. They're not indebted to you.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  And there's like, a lot of love there, and like, they love their relationship. And then, and then you privately do whatever the heck you want with your, with the 50 bucks, right?

• 4:56Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah, maybe you can set up the expectation for next time, that just so you know, you really don't have to give us money, but don't return the money that they just gave you. Um, you know, I was thinking about this yesterday because I have this wrist injury, and so I was having a problem with the garbage cans outside my building. They're filled with larvae right now. And I was like, I'm going to have to do something about this. Like, how am I going to clean these out? And I was like, am I going to have to hire someone to help? Because I just, I didn't even think immediately of asking anyone. It took me going through, being like, I actually can't do this alone, to realize like, you know what?

• 5:39Marielle Segarra?

  I'm just going to ask my downstairs neighbors, who, by the way, these are their garbage cans, too. And it reminded me, though, that community, being a neighbor, isn't just about doing things for other people, it's letting them do things for you, too, and letting them see you in moments when like, you are having a hard time.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Also, like, think about like, other creative ways that you can ask, like, everyone likes to have a reciprocal, reciprocated relationship. No one likes to be like, in debt to someone, right? So like, in addition to like, telling them like, please, you're not indebted to us, like, we really love you. Think about, clearly now you know, your little spidey senses on, that like, OK, they want to do something for me, so what are some things that I know that they're capable of doing that they might find joy in doing? So Mr. Norman is a woodworker, so like, sometimes I'll like, bring over my old Ikea furniture and have him just like tighten things up, and he loves that, so he's helping me.

• 6:30Speaker 03

  I love that you do that, Malika.

• 6:31Marielle Segarra?

  That's a great idea. We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.

• 6:37Speaker 04

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• 7:59Marielle Segarra?

  Let's move on to the next question, yeah?

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He's 30, I'm 26. I live on my own, and he currently lives very comfortably with his parents after moving back a few years ago. When I bring up moving in together, he says he's not ready because he wants to earn more money and wants us to be together for longer before moving in together. Currently, we live in the same town, but I want to move closer to work and more restaurants, which is about a 30-minute drive away. Should I wait until he's ready to move in with me and then move into a place together? Or, or should I move anyway? Same, same, same. Malika?

• 8:38Speaker 01

  I'm confused by this question.

• 8:40Speaker 03

  Okay, so she, basically, our listener is ready to move to a new place farther away from her boyfriend, but her boyfriend's not ready to do that yet. So she's saying, should I hold off from moving away until my boyfriend is ready to move with me? Or should I just go ahead and move?

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Don't move anywhere. Just stay where you are. Right? Is that the answer?

• 8:59Speaker 03

  What?

• 9:00Marielle Segarra?

  No.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  No.

• 9:01Marielle Segarra?

  That's not what we thought.

• 9:02Speaker 03

  Opposite. No.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 9:03Speaker 03

  No.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Okay, just go through your thought process.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  Okay. All right. My take was no. My short answer is just like, girl, live your life.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  No. What if he's the one?

• 9:11Speaker 03

  What?

• 9:12Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  What?

• 9:13Speaker 01

  He may be ready for many reasons. Okay, sorry. Keep going.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  They're not breaking up. She's just moving from one apartment to another apartment. My take, moving in together shouldn't be rushed. It shouldn't be taken lightly, and you shouldn't just do it because you think it is the next natural step. And I'm not saying that you can't be ready to do that in less than a year, but personally, I think it's a good sign that this boyfriend is pumping the brakes a little bit.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  Good.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  Also, I'm assuming that you want to move in with the idea of staying moved in together for the long haul, right? Which means there's a whole lot of cohabitation in the future.

• 9:48Marielle Segarra?

  No need to rush.

• 9:49Speaker 03

  Right. I want to offer a reframe here, which is, think of this as like a last hurrah, an opportunity to embrace your independence to the fullest, like a living just for me era.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  I guess my, my question is, does he want to move to the city?

• 10:00Marielle Segarra?

  No, we don't know.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  We don't know.

• 10:02Marielle Segarra?

  I mean, because, yeah, I could see it causing an issue, maybe if he hates the city and she's now moving to the city. That's more of like a compatibility issue, talking about where you guys want to be long term. But, but yeah, you can't wait for someone else to live your life.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  Putting your life on hold, essentially. Yeah.

• 10:18Marielle Segarra?

  They're not mutually exclusive. You can live in this other place and still date your boyfriend. Like, you're both making the decisions that make financial sense and emotional sense for you right now. And then when you're ready to, when you're both ready to move in together, then you'll move in together.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  I see. You know what? I've come around. I've come around and I understand the point now.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  What were you thinking before?

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Here's what I was thinking. I was thinking that like, she was gonna like, live her life without him and like, leave him in the dust, in the awful suburb.

• 10:45Marielle Segarra?

  I don't think that's what she implied.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:47Marielle Segarra?

  I don't think she meant that. I would maybe interrogate myself if I was thinking about doing this, that like, am I in any way moving because I want to pressure him to move in with me sooner than he's ready? Like, am I gonna dangle the idea of moving as a, well, I'm gonna move then. I'm gonna move by myself and I'm gonna be 30 minutes away from you, so I guess that's just what's gonna happen. Like, don't just threaten it, you know, because you want him to move in with you sooner. Because, Andy, like you were saying, it's, if someone's not ready to move in with you, you don't want to move in with them.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  I agree with you guys. I do feel like it does sound a little bit like there may be a mismatch in priorities and where things are going now. Like, it seems like work and like going out and like going to restaurants and being on the town might be a little bit of a priority. And 30 minutes is quite a long time.

• 11:40Speaker 03

  I agree on the mismatched priorities. You know, we had an episode about this, about moving in together. We had a great expert for this. Her name is Kiana Lewis. She's a sex educator and pleasure mentor. And she had a full checklist for us about questions you should ask before moving in together. So I think, listener, whoever you are, whichever way you go, whether you're moving to the city, whether you're staying back, you, you need to have these conversations and be intentional about this decision, because there are a lot of things that you need to consider before moving in. You don't want to be hasty. Like, what, what benefit does moving in together bring to your life and to your relationship? And then just a lot of practical things. Like, do you listen to something as you sleep? You know, how dark do you need it to be? That is something

• 12:25Speaker 03

  that I did not figure out about my relationship until after we moved in. And my husband and I are diametrically opposed.

• 12:31Marielle Segarra?

  He sleeps with the light on?

• 12:33Speaker 03

  No, opposite. He needs absolute, like, total, complete sensory deprivation.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Same.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  But then also these bigger things, you know, like, it seems like he has a lot of money values. You need to line up on these things.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:43Marielle Segarra?

  We have lots of Life Kit episodes on that. Not just about if you're about to move in together, but if you're in a relationship and you're talking about money, what questions to ask each other, how to figure out if you're compatible, long term and short term.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Listener, please don't get mad at my reaction. That's it.

• 13:01Marielle Segarra?

  Another asterisk that we'll add to every episode. Don't get mad at Malika. She's just saying how she feels. We'll have one more listener question after the break.

• 13:13Speaker 05

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• 14:03Speaker 03

  All right, last question. Dear Life Kit, I'm aromantic and asexual, so I have no interest in dating or sexuality. But now that I'm in my 30s, I'm seeing more and more of my peers get married and have kids, and I'm feeling more and more isolated. This year, my twin brother got married. I feel like I'll never count as an adult, because I'm not going to, quote, "graduate" to being or having a spouse. I don't know how to cope with the intensity of the alienation, even when I'm surrounded by my family and friends. What can I do to understand my place in the world better?

• 14:35Marielle Segarra?

  Oh. That's painful. It's a painful place to be.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Sending love to you.

• 14:41Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah, there are a lot of people who are in the same situation as you. They may be aromantic or asexual. They may just not have found the partner who's a good fit for them. There are a lot of people who've decided not to have kids. We did an episode on how to be child-free, and part of that was about building your village. One thing that comes up a lot is like, everyone says, you know, I want to go to a dinner party, or I wish I had friends who hosted something like that. But you could be that person. Even if you just have like, you know, one or two people in your life who you really enjoy hanging out with, invite them over. You can also create a routine with people

• 15:26Marielle Segarra?

  who don't even have to know each other. Like, I did this with a group of friends who I like, introduced them all to each other. We have a, a monthly community dinner, and we know to expect it.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  The word that stuck out to me was graduate.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  You know, because I was like, who, who hands out the diplomas for adulthood?

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Who says you don't get to be an adult because you're not gonna be partnered or you don't have kids? I know a ton of married people who are not grownups. There's a lot of parents who are lonely a lot of the time. There are a lot of people who are married or partnered who are lonely a lot of the time. You know what I mean? And not to say that, like, your feelings are totally valid, but you also don't have to choose to live in them. I think, like, Marielle's, Marielle's advice is, is very sound. Like, you don't have to keep going to couples' activities. And you can like, turn down the invitations that don't feel good, right? Turn down the places that don't feel good. I feel like that's what graduating to adulthood is.

• 16:21Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:22Marielle Segarra?

  Because I think what ends up happening is that if you're not married and you don't have kids, you end up feeling like just a, an extra, like a plus one.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  The third wheel, the plus one.

• 16:30Marielle Segarra?

  The third wheel, the fourth wheel, whatever, to somebody else's family. And I think what can be painful is that a lot of people, when they get to a certain age, they get married, they have kids, they create their own little families. And so if you don't do those things, then you feel like you don't have your own little family. You're like, I'm just out here bopping around on my own. But you can create your own family. It's just gonna look different. And these can be people your own age. They can be people older than you. They can be people younger than you. You're someone who people want to have around, regardless of who you bring with you. And you can build your own family. It just takes time.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  Snaps to that.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  Love that.

• 17:17Marielle Segarra?

  And specifically around the aromantic, asexual part, we did an episode about celibacy. And this was about taking a, a period of celibacy. It wasn't necessarily for people who are asexual, but it was for people who just wanted to pause the pursuit of sex and romance for a time. And I thought it was really beautiful hearing people talk about what that did for them. It basically allows you to experience all the other pleasures of life. And they almost get like, turned up when you're eating like, a really fresh,

• 17:56Marielle Segarra?

  ripe peach, or like, a beautiful raspberry, you know? Or you're playing a sport. It's about feeling the sensations of your body. And so that is all available to you, too. You're aromantic and asexual, but that doesn't mean you can't live your life in color and experience pleasure.

• 18:16Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 18:16Marielle Segarra?

  Good luck to you. We know you'll find your people.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  You're gonna find your people.

• 18:20Marielle Segarra?

  All right, that's our show. If you have a question for Life Kit, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about health, about staying organized, exercising, breakups, difficult friends, whatever you got. Go to npr.org/dearlifekit to submit your question. Or even better, record yourself asking it so we can play it on the show. And you can send the file to [email protected]. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Our visuals editor is CJ Riquelain. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie

• 19:01Marielle Segarra?

  Schneider, Margaret Sereno, and Kayla Latimore. Engineering support comes from Travis Hagan. I'm Maryelle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 19:15Speaker 05

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