Dear Life Kit: I’m sick of all this unwanted attention

Clinical psychologist Adia Gooden and NPR's It's Been A Minute host, Brittany Luse, answer questions from Dear Life Kit listeners and they share their best advice on unsolicited advice. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekitSign up for our newsletter here. Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekitLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

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• 0:17Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

• 0:24Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle. Today, we're talking about how to deal with unwanted and unwarranted advice. Now, what's that old expression? Opinions are like adrenal glands. Most of us have them, and we tend to think ours are the best. Which is to say, a lot of people have strong opinions about offering advice and opinions.

• 0:44Speaker 02

  Oh, I love giving advice. Unfortunately unsolicited.

• 0:50Marielle Segarra?

  See what I mean? That was NPR's Brittany Luse, by the way. If you don't know her already, she's the host of It's Been a Minute. And every week, she does a deep dive into what's going on in our culture and helps listeners make sense of it. So it makes sense that she would have hot takes on things, and I would trust them.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  But I do seek advice. I'm comfortable with not being an expert on something and not knowing something and going to somebody to be like, can you help me with this? Or what do you think I should do?

• 1:16Marielle Segarra?

  The thing is, there is a difference between someone attempting to be helpful and just straight up judging or criticizing you.

• 1:22Speaker 03

  I'm someone who's like, if you have wisdom, like, I'll learn from it. I'm happy to learn from it. But I do think it's different if you're like, no, I'm going on just fine, and I don't need your opinion that might be judgmental. Or like, you're doing it wrong. Like, that advice is generally, like, nobody likes, nobody likes it.

• 1:40Marielle Segarra?

  That's clinical psychologist Adia Gooden. You might recognize her from our episodes on How to Be a Good Loser or How to Stop Hurting Your Own Feelings. She's all about embracing unconditional self-worth, a very useful skill to have in your back pocket when it comes to today's topic. On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the advice series from Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle, Brittany and Adia are going to give you advice about advice. They'll talk you through how to handle hurtful in-laws, overly curious onlookers, and those family members that mean well but can't seem to quit with their lofty expectations.

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• 3:27Speaker 07

  OK, everybody. Here's question one.

• 3:32Speaker 07

  Dear Life Kit, I'm struggling with my relationship with my future sister-in-law. She often says things that are hurtful or judgmental. One time, she told me, "I love you, but you're too much of a self-absorbed person to own a dog." And this was over a meal that I had brought over for her. I've had pets in the past, raised my younger sister, taken care of my sick mom. I volunteer regularly. I don't live my life in a way that I think most would consider self-absorbed. She frequently comments on the decisions my fiance, her brother, and I make. Her comments make us second-guess our decisions and bring us down. In the past, when my fiance has brought up an opposing opinion, she shuts him down and is adamant that she is right and he is wrong. So lately, I've begun avoiding her.

• 4:18Speaker 07

  How can I cope with the situation in a healthy way and have a healthy relationship with her? Signed, Feeling Frozen.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Well, I, you know, I think this is a situation of needing to recognize when someone's comments are not about you. I mean, many of the times when we interact with people, it's not, it's about them, it's not about us. And if you know for yourself that you are not selfish, that you are not self-absorbed, then you shouldn't let somebody's comment that you are derail you or override what you know to be true from your own experience, from how you've shown up. So I think the first thing is, how do you remember who you are and know who you are and be grounded in that? And then how do you determine and discern whose opinion you're gonna take and whose opinion you're gonna leave? Right?

• 5:09Speaker 03

  Like, if it's your wise grandma and she says, hey, it seems like you've been focusing on yourself a little too much, and I want you to think about this, that might be very different than a sister-in-law who you don't really feel knows you, tends to make judgmental comments and is often making you feel bad, right? So she may be somebody who you're like, I'm gonna leave your opinions over there because that's about you, it's really not about me. And then you may also need to set some boundaries, like, hey, you know, it feels, I feel judged when you, you give me advice, so I prefer that not to be part of our relationship. Or something, right? You may have a conversation at some point.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  I echo that. I think that, um, you can't control her, you can only control how you,

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Right.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  how and when you interact with her to a certain degree. And also like how you wanna take on what she's saying to and about you. Another question that I have though, where is your fiance in all this? Like, at the end of the day,

• 6:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, that was my question.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  that's his sister. And I think he could play maybe a bigger role in managing, um, the, like, your relationship as a couple to, uh, her. It also sounds like maybe there's something going on where he's also taking on a lot as far as like her judgments of him and you guys' relationship. Um, and that is also something to kind of like be aware of. Like, I remember my therapist at one point saying to me, uh, when I was talking about somebody that I was having a difficult issue with, and she said, you know, Have you ever considered that this person may never change? Like, I want you to consider that.

• 6:44Speaker 07

  Oof.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  And then think about how you want to conduct yourself going forward. And, um, yeah, I think that's not just something for you to do, but it sounds like it may be something for your fiance to do as well.

• 6:55Speaker 07

  Hmm, yeah. The one question that I had here is as they're starting a new life, as they're starting to pull away from the sister, like, the optics of that can feel hard.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  Hmm. It seems like there might be space for them to distance without, like, totally cutting off. And I think if people question, you could also just, you can give people an opportunity to do something different. You can also say, "Hey, you know, every time you make these comments, it makes me feel judged and criticized, and I don't like it, and I'm hoping you could stop." And you can give them an opportunity to stop, and they can try, and if they do, great. And if they don't, they'll know exactly why there has been a shift.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, that makes me think of something that I say, it's like a personal philosophy, which is like, "I'm gonna give as much as I can lovingly, and no more." Because if you, if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either gonna, either leads to conflict, or it leads to you feeling short-changed. Even if the other person is fine, right? You're feeling terrible because you feel like you overextended yourself and you got trampled on. Um, and it just, it doesn't make anybody happy.

• 8:04Speaker 07

  Wow, I love that.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  That's a great philosophy.

• 8:07Speaker 07

  Moving on to question two. Dear Life Kit, as a six-foot-tall woman, I am often told by complete strangers variations of, "Wow, you're tall." It makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit like a spectacle. Some people say I should take it as a compliment, but I think it's rude for others to announce my most prominent feature to me with a tone of shock. I don't want to normalize the comments, but I don't want to embarrass the commenters either. How can I respond? Signed, More Than My Height.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  More than my height, I appreciate the fact that you don't want to embarrass the people who are making these comments. But I just want to offer, maybe not 100% embarrassment, or even like 60% embarrassment, but maybe a nice little gritty 15% embarrassment, where you can respond with like, oh my gosh, you are the, you are, you know, you're the first person to tell me that. And just give them a little giggle. And then you kind of give them the opportunity to laugh with you, but they know like, you're not playing. And then, if they don't take the hint the first time, then you can just be direct and be like, does this the, is this the thing that's catching your attention so much that you have to say something right now? I just feel like if you can give someone sort of like one pass with a little joke to sort of let them know that you don't like it, and then after that, I think if you're

• 9:18Speaker 02

  really direct, then people will get it.

• 9:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, I agree with Brittany. If people are continuing to sort of like cross this boundary, being more serious about it and being like, it's not cool, I'm not comfortable with it, please stop. And I think, you know, if somebody, I agree, if somebody feels a little embarrassed or a little like, ew, I shouldn't have done it, it's like, that's true, and that's okay. You're not saying you're an awful person that you would ever do, right? You're not doing that, but you're communicating like, actually what you did is problematic. Somebody else should feel a little taste of it, so that they stop doing it.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Mmm, that's good.

• 9:56Speaker 07

  More questions from Dear Life Kit after this.

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• 10:54Speaker 07

  Moving on to question number three.

• 10:58Speaker 07

  Dear Life Kit, I've been with my boyfriend for seven years, and I'm starting to feel pressure from family members and friends to settle down and have a wedding. We're planning on getting married, but neither of us are financially stable right now. We want to wait until we are in a more secure place to make wedding plans. How can I let people know that we're not in a hurry to get married without being rude?

• 11:19Speaker 02

  I live this. Go ahead.

• 11:20Speaker 07

  Yes, I'm not in a hurry, but also could be signed by everybody on earth, for sure. We all have a version of this, I think. Single, partnered, married, not married. Everyone loves to tell you that you are behind in your life. You are doing it wrong. Brittany, thoughts?

• 11:36Speaker 02

  I live this. When you literally say like, my husband and I, we got, he proposed after three years, which for some people is way too long. And then by the time we got married in 2022, we had been together about seven years. And everybody was asking like, why are you getting married? And then as soon as we did that, I think you got everyone off your back. And then everyone's like, okay, well, where are your kids? And, you know, at the end of the day, I think there's like two things happening. One thing is that people in your life probably see that you're very happy and are happy for your relationship and want to celebrate it and you and would love to see you feel the happiness that perhaps they get or have gotten from those celebrations that they've had of their own.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  So it can be coming from like a very loving place. And then there's also like another aspect of it, which is that people, I think, also sometimes feel a lot of anxiety if they feel like you are not hitting certain milestones in a timeline that's comfortable for them. And then they can take that anxiety and project it onto you. And I mean, as you are bringing your lives together to get married, thinking back to that first question we discussed, now is a great time for you all to discuss and strategize how you're going to deal with feedback and input from other people. And what I said to people, maybe it's probably not as great as what a DM might say, you should say to people. But I said to people, if you've got $30,000 for me that you want to break off,

• 13:06Speaker 02

  like if you want to deposit that, if you've got tens of thousands of dollars that you want to give me. Go right ahead. The other thing that I would say that was mildly gentler is like, I don't have any updates to share right now, but when I do, you will be the first to know, which is what I say now when people ask me about having children. I say, oh, I don't have any updates right now, but when I do, you'll be the first to know.

• 13:31Speaker 07

  That's so funny. That's exactly what I, I tell my parents when they ask about the second, when they ask about. So now my new benchmark is for us, is it is for a sibling. And I'm like, are you paying for daycare or when are you moving in? Yeah, there's never an end to benchmarks. This is all very good idea. What do you, what do you have for us?

• 13:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, I agree with what Brittany said. I think if people are coming from a loving place, just saying like, you know, we're being really intentional and thoughtful about how we want to start our next chapter of our lives together. Weddings are expensive. We don't want to start our lives together in debt or going into debt. I think sort of touching on what Brittany mentioned about anxiety, right? Sometimes, you know, it could be anxiety of like, you know, if you don't marry him right away, he gonna leave. And so I think again, sort of like, it might be a time when you're like, either like, you know, like, thanks for your opinion, but we're gonna do what's right for us or like letting it roll off and just being like, okay, like, I'm glad you, you know, that's not our situation. Like, we're not, I'm not worried he's gonna leave me. I'm not worried this or that the other is gonna happen.

• 14:31Speaker 03

  I think making a joke about it can be good too, because people are like, oh, oh, oh, okay, right? They'll usually back off.

• 14:39Speaker 07

  I like that. My last question for you is, we all have those people in our lives that push harder, you know? There, there's a spectrum. So when that light touch doesn't work, what's level two?

• 14:49Speaker 03

  What Brittany was saying, it's like, you know, please stop asking us. It's, it's kind of frustrating and annoying. When you keep asking us about our plans, we will be sure to let you know when we are going in that direction. But until then, I just ask that you respect our decision making.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  I agree. And you just gotta, you gotta really push back. Or, I mean, I have never really had to do this, but like, you could also like, if it gets, if it gets to a certain point, you could just give them a complete like, I already told you, I'm not discussing this. And then you just wait.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Oh my gosh, it unsettles people.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, cuz I think part of this, people want you to get into a negotiation with them. Like you feeling like, oh, I have to give all my reasons. And you like what Brittany said is like, I already told you, it's like, I'm not engaging in this discussion. Like, our decision is made.

• 15:45Speaker 07

  Right.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  And cuz people wanna be able to, I wanna convince you, or why do you think? Well, no, our decision is made.

• 15:52Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  And then not engaging.

• 15:55Speaker 07

  Not negotiating your life plan.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  So funny, I feel like so much of the advice we've given today is like, don't take other people's advice.

• 16:05Speaker 07

  Take our advice.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  But not others.

• 16:08Speaker 07

  Okay, our final question, question number four. Dear Life Kit, I've grown close with a group of coworkers lately. One friend in our group will be getting married later this year. Most of us have mixed feelings about our friend's upcoming marriage. She seems happy, but we disapprove of how her fiance treats her. We think she deserves better. We've observed him in group settings. He's disengaged, hard to talk to, and acts as if he's too good for the gathering. We consider that he might just be shy or awkward, but another coworker has noticed that our friend's fiance withholds affection and bosses her around. A few of us talked it over and agreed that if we were in her situation, we would want someone to tell us. Should we tell her?

• 16:53Speaker 07

  Signed, caring coworkers.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  I do not think it's true that they would wanna know from a coworker if their coworker did not like their fiance.

• 17:04Speaker 07

  Like, right, yeah, in what worlds?

• 17:06Speaker 03

  No, you would not, you would not, right?

• 17:09Speaker 02

  No.

• 17:10Speaker 07

  Like, from one, from all, you're gonna pull them into a conference room and be like...

• 17:14Speaker 02

  She will cut you all off.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  We've all had enough relationships with people we probably shouldn't have been with, and seen friends in relationships with people that weren't great, to know that it basically never works to be like, girl, he ain't for you. Where like, when have we listened to that? When have we ever been like, oh, my friends were like, he ain't for me. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna break up with him. Really, it just, that's not how it works. First of all, one on one, do not stage an intervention. Do not go as a group and tell this girl that you don't like her fiance. That is not gonna work. She's not gonna talk to you about the relationship anymore, and you will not see him anymore.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 17:57Speaker 07

  You're not gonna be close coworkers anymore.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  No. Um, yeah, I agree. Um, as much as you could be one hundred percent right. And that's the thing that'll hurt is like, you could call it from jump.

• 18:12Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  And you could be a hundred percent right in the end, hundred percent right. Um, but it is not something that is really always for you to point out as an outside party to the relationship, especially as a coworker. Now, as a super close sibling, or a real homegirl, like the bestie, right? I generally think that you have maybe one time to say, hey, I just wanna check in with you. Like, this is a big change. Like, how are you feeling? Do you really feel a hundred percent sure this is the right person for you? And then if they say yes, you just go, alright. And then you gotta keep that mouth shut. Be a sounding board, be a friend, be supportive.

• 18:58Speaker 02

  And if you really care about this person as a friend, you don't want them to be in a situation where they're socially isolated with a partner who's really not nice to them. And, you know, maybe one point in the future, um, they will kind of see all these people around them that are like, okay, well, this person makes me feel really good about myself. And I have so much fun with this person. And this one, like, is always picking up the phone and wants to talk to me. And this person always wants to go to like, you know, the farmer's market with me and try whatever new hobby I wanna try. And they'll start to kind of see like, okay, well, if I feel great in all these other relationships where I'm really supported, maybe this person really isn't for me. Uh, it's a long game, uh, and it's not necessarily for the weak. But, you know, if you really care about someone, then you really just wanna have their back and be there as a friend.

• 19:43Speaker 07

  Man, is that hard to do.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  It's, oh, it's hard. It's hard.

• 19:47Speaker 07

  Before you go, we ask every guest of Dear Life Kit for their best piece of advice. We would love to hear yours.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Block and delete, block and delete, block and delete, block and delete, block and delete.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Situationship, ex, old hookup. If you want to move forward with your life, block and delete. If you want to play in the past and fantasize and get your heartbroken or keep it broken and waste time and be upset, do what you want to do. But if you want to move forward, block and delete.

• 20:19Speaker 03

  Someone needed to hear that today.

• 20:22Speaker 07

  Well, mine's a little different.

• 20:23Speaker 03

  But it would be to learn to be a good friend to yourself, right? Like, we deal with so much, and the last thing we need is to be judging and criticizing ourselves constantly. So the more you can learn to be kind and compassionate and a good friend to yourself, I think the easier life is.

• 20:45Speaker 07

  Adia Britney, thank you so much for your time. What a pleasure.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Thanks. This was fun. Thank you. This was so fun.

• 20:54Marielle Segarra?

  That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagel talking to Adia Gooden and Brittany Luse. And that's our show. Before we go, I do have a favor to ask you. If you have a second, would you leave Life Kit a five-star review? If Life Kit has ever helped you save a little money, make a healthier choice for yourself, or it's just made you feel a little more seen, a five-star review is a great way to show your support. Thank you so much. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharid. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from Robert Rodriguez.

• 21:38Marielle Segarra?

  I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 21:47Speaker 00

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